Robert’s Gazpacho

A road dog like Beaster and passed eggs at 42 more times than a horse has been bitten by horse flies. And yet, I never stopped by this location because I didn't consider myself a cold soup aficionado. Turns out, they serve a whole hell of a lot more than cold soup. Hi. Welcome to Robert Scaspacho. Robert is almost ready

to do his show for the day. How many are in your party? There's 4 of us. Okay. Awesome. Awesome. Well, we do have a 4 top up near the stage.

Great. That sounds wonderful.

Yeah. And do we have to go sit, or can we just per peruse the gift shop and stuff while we wait, or do we need to

go Well, you do have a few

minutes to peruse the gift shop if you'd like to go ahead and get your souvenir before the show, but I do recommend seeing the show before you decide on your souvenir because some things are heavily mentioned in the show, and they mean a little more on the way out.

Okay. Okay. Cool. Great. I feel like this is a pre show because this is a really clean white shirt that says I went to Robert Skpacho and all I got was this filthy shirt. So is the idea that I buy the shirt and it gets filthy in the show?

Yeah.

Well, I don't wanna spoil anything from the show, but I will say you guys are in the splash zone. Yeah. So but if that's what means the most to you at the end, I will say some props are heavily featured and

we'll mean a little bit more on the way out. Okay. Well, I'm gonna get a Pancho for now because I like my blouse. And

then I will think about which

thing I like most from the show for the whale. And are the noisemakers here? These they say complimentary. Do we need to bring those in with us? Or are they good are they just, like, sort of a souvenir as well?

Yes. There there are noisemakers used in the show, and so we will have some complementary ones here, which you've picked up. So you can use those, but also we do have some bigger ones for sale that make a little more noise that you can get on the way out if you'd

like. On the way out. If they mean more to us after the show than they do right now?

Exactly. They sometimes

you'll see in the show that

certain props or features more than Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I'm I'm really excited for the show you're making.

Is the is the third member of your party here? Because I do have to have everyone in order to seat you guys.

How did you number us when you say the third? Because we said there's 4.

So I'm sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

1 of us is the fourth and the other 2 are the first 2? And you're expecting That's right. I just

assumed you were the final add to this trip. Wow.

Well, you're correct. My girlfriend was coming with her 2 friends and then decided, you know, to do and fight me or I found out about the plans. I'm not sure how it went down

right. And is is she gonna be joining you guys at the table, your girlfriend? She went to the bathroom.

Okay. She should be back any second. It's been kind of a while.

Oh, yes. It's it's taking her a long time in the bathroom. Yeah. A little bit. I'm starting to get a little worried about her.

Well, I certainly hope she didn't stay too long and buy too much from the bathroom attendant because I will say as part of the show, there are some things that will mean a little bit more after the show like some cinnamon gum or some

a cinnamon gum. I'd be pro, and yes.

I feel like, you know, I you know, you all knew a little more about this and are acting a little bit like, oh, this this is I understand this. I'm still a little unclear. Is this a restaurant or will we be served Casacho or while we're watching Robert's show? What is the show? Here.

I don't wanna ruin anything, but Ed, you did see on the invite come hungry. Right? Yes.

I did see I saw Come hungry, but then I saw leaves starving. So I wasn't sure.

Well, that is our That is our tag line.

because because Spoto is notoriously not a very filling meal. It's -- I'm oversharing it. -- exactly And there are

Well,

some elements of the show that will leave your soul feeling starved. So

cory, can I ask a question? Is this how long it takes before you sit someone every time? This seems like a lot of pre seat check-in.

I'm just making small talk. I usually sit for example, those 2 people over there, we walked right in. I said hello, how many they said to and I sat them right down because they were both there.

No.

Hello. Everybody's hi. We

saw your point to us. Hello? We saw your point to us.

Hi. Hi. Hey. Yeah. So that's the 2 of them. And

are they gonna be important in the show later?

Well, I don't you want you to get too tied to those 2 people. Let's just say that.

Ladies

and gentlemen, this is Robert speaking.

Mhmm. Oh, so oh, what's your girlfriend? Do you guys wanna sit down sit down without her? Yeah.

Let's sit down. She'll be out of there. Can we sit down?

Just just have a sit and sit down without her. And and I'll bring her when she gets here. Okay.

everybody could please take their seat and sit on down as soon as possible. I think you're all ready for a super time. He he doesn't you don't think he

If

does the whole show that close to a microphone. Right?

No. I don't think so.

I hope not. Because it that sound is gonna

reveal -- Hey. Hey. Sorry. I'm late. Sorry. I'm late. That's okay. Where were you? I I bought so much cinnamon gum. They they have the best cinnamon gum in the bathroom. Your breath is hot. Yeah. It's

really hot. And I got some ibuprofen. I had a terrible headache. Thanks a lot for coming with us, honey.

How are you doing, honey? You feeling alright? I'm happy

you invited me. Yeah. Well, you sort of heard about it and kind of forced your way along. This was supposed to be a girls weekend.

Love you.

Love you too. Alright.

Alright, folks. Go ahead and grab the ear plugs under your seats. Ouch. Yeah. Ouch. And throw those right in the trash can. Anybody seen wearing earplugs will be promptly and swiftly removed from the show.

What? But it hurtsfully holds the microphone. No whining. I'm just gonna leave him

in. No whining. It's a no whining from Robert. King of Cold Suits.

Oh god. Oh,

wait, honey. Honey, the there's a countdown on your seat. I feel like take the earplugs out really quick. Just for a second. There's a countdown counting down from 15 on your seat, and it stopped. Okay. There's a countdown from 15. Like a And now it's go it's counting down. I don't know.

I feel like, maybe you're gonna get ejected from the scene. Don't think you'll even make We're sitting right up in the front. I don't think they're gonna reject.

Bam,

it's going down to it's only at age 7.

This is 1 final warning about the earplugs. 4. We wouldn't wanna have to. We

do. 1. You're not gonna do

it. Eject anybody.

Oh my god.

God wake up.

What happened? What happened? Oh, my God. Oh. 0, where my God? You're back. You're back. You're back. You're back. You're back to me straight up, but it was on a bungee, and it pulled me straight back down into the seat. Oh, my god. And Robert, what the hell? What the hell, Robert?

Shut up.

I thought this was a just spa show show. Do do do do do do do do do do

what time is it? It's time to go. Do Where you wanna go? You wanna eat some cold?

He just threw a couple of gazpacho on him. And who are these children running around the stage throwing Gespacho. There there was a perfect opportunity to rhyme and say Gespacho. And he said, cold soup. Do do do do do do do do do do do do Okay. Getting kind of into it though. Alrighty then. Somebody stop me.

It's Robert. Wait. Hi, ladies, gentlemen. My name is Robert. Hi. Please. Please stand up and applaud, please.

Why are you why are you dressed like Jim Carrey's character from the majestic.

I'm glad somebody recognized the outfit. Who said that? Lights up on the crowd right away. It's me. It's me. It's me. Who said that you did? Well, you just entitled yourself to a prize. Little kids. Let's give Jessica the big dip. What? Oh my god.

I'm just messing up out The kids walking over. Picking you up. What

are

they doing? Hey. Where are you taking it? Come with us. Yep. Here. Come with us. Come with us. Come with us. You bet Back to get dipped. And there you

go. You're dipped in chocolate that gets hard when it's cold. Don't get out or else you'll be stoned. Alright.

Now the room gets chilly and chillier as the show goes on and you as the audience must figure out what to do with this dipped lady if she gets out.

It's the 2 top in the back. We wanna be chocolate dipped.

Shoot them. Kill them. What?

Kill them both. This show is amazing. Who said that? In was that real?

Was that real? Who's who was speaker lights up again. Lights up. Light up. It was me. It was me. It was

me. I'm sorry. I'm friendly. Hi. I'm Robert.

Who are you? What's your name?

Hi. My name's Rebecca. I I came with my 2 girlfriends, and my boyfriend tagged along. Was that real? Are they dead?

Where you from

rebecca? I'm from Sacramento. He started responding to any of the questions about the crazy stuff.

Now that's the state capital. Is it not Rebecca?

It is. Yeah.

Well, I'm sure

you're gonna have a capital time here. Ladies and gentlemen, let's watch Rebecca eat a little bit of cinnamon gum.

Oh. 0. That's significant to me now. Why did they he say I would have a capital time What did that mean? Do, like, capital punishment? Do do do do

do Now, I happen to know that everybody in here supports the death penalty. Is that right?

Yes. Weird. Yeah.

Oh, everybody knows except for the 1 woman that doesn't. And she's been taken away. Uh-oh. Now, it doesn't feel so good when it's a friend of yours, does it?

What?

I'm still pretty intrigued by the show, to be honest.

Now, Rebecca, you you said you're from Sacramento? Yes. Well, how would you like your spacho injected directly into your veins?

No. That would kill me, I think.

321, play the song.

Come on, Rebecca.

And by everybody's wondering, hey, I read about this in the New York Times as an exciting new show. What did I get myself into? You'll find out soon enough.

Time for the splash zone. I knew he sounded fever. He sounds like the saw guy. Are we in a weird saw thing? Wait. I thought the splash zone was gonna be Gespacho. It's seemingly blood. No. Robert, please make us cold soon. What a let me just came hungry. When does Gespachio when does Gespachio come into play? Robert, just please do gazpacho next. This place is called Robert's gazpacho. Please do Gespacho.

Alright. We're getting a request from the table here. They would like Robert to do Spotcho. Well -- Wow. -- you gotta give the people what they want. Leonard, ring out the cold tomatoes.

Leonard.

That's Leonard on the tiny saw bike. Dress is Chucky, the doll. Yeah. Hi, Leonard. Get a great right close to the place there. Thank you. Here's

the tomatoes.

Leonard, everybody. Alright. Now Leonard, bring out the salt and pepper. Alright.

Yeah.

Right. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Now

1 time, I accidentally threw a salt shaker at someone and hit him in the head, and I ended up getting tried for assault. Okay.

Finally, 1 joke. Finally, 1 thing him a show. Yeah. And at least a couple of ingredients to Gespacho. I hope there's more than just tomato salt pepper. Well, I think I saw some cheese. Some I think you're just making an Italian like a appetizer.

Yeah. And when do all the props from the gift shop come into play? Because so far, none of them mean more to me than they did when I came in here.

I'm just returning to a chocolate bar.

We

got a question from the chocolate bowl, everybody. Now remember, Remember the conundrum? The room's getting colder and colder. How are we gonna save our chocolate friend if they get out? They turn to chocolate stone and die. If they stay in, they drown in chocolate.

They can't die. All I want is 1 bowl. May, cup of Gespacho with more than 1 ingredient, and I'll leave.

Oh.

No. He's gonna charge me for assault and battery. Because I he's gonna charge me battery into my friend's Road. Finally, 2 jokes. Nay. 3. Alright. Intermission. Everybody

better

lacks intermission.

No. There's huge. There's ex diff couple. There's a dead couple. Let us out of here.

Oh, exploded out there.

You're still mine. Tough crow

it's a tough crowd tonight. Are my parents out there, Alice? I put 2 tickets out there.

You killed them. You killed your parents.

Oh, shit. You

1 bullet. You guys, let's just get let's get up and leave while Robert's backstage live, Mike. He's on a hot mic, but he can't see his. Out of this

shot them with

chocolate bowl Get

out of the church and just get up. Just get up and run to the door. Sign. You won't turn to be that hard. Yeah. You won't turn to stone before you get to the door. Just run with

it. Where is my stupid boyfriend? Hold.

My Gospodro soup is getting cold. He's on my

so isn't that good

for his fucking cold

where where is Brad? He was supposed did he go to Now he's in the bathroom, let's go. Let's

go. Let's go. Let's run. Let's

just leave. Let's just make a run back a Sacramento. We can make it. Let's go. Tiny

tomatoes make 2 The chocolate's hardening. Terrible. Serial chips. Let's just get

to the front door. Okay. As long as we get out the front door, he can. Run. Run. The chocolate. Run. I'm trying. It's hard Oh. 0, no. You're freezing. What lever. Leave her. You're dead. Goodbye. He's got leeway. Alright. We've ate it to the door. I'm Luke. Where is Brad? Where's Brad?

He's in the toilet? Close magic.

door is locked. The door is locked. Fuck. Shoot.

The

Fuck what's happening there in the back? Well, here's a little up close magic for you. If you try to escape, you lose your shirt.

You are Herbertt.

Oh, wait, those are ladies. I'm gonna related, I'm

sorry. Do not steal my clothes, Robert? You're right. You deserve me 1 cup of Gespacho. I will applaud you pay a nay. 2 cups. Please service 2 cups and give us our shps.

Nay, 2 cups. That the Sacramento friends? Yes. And what is there to do in Sacramento?

I guess go to the river.

Oh. Yeah. Well, you will wanna go to that river. Once you've drowned in a river of Gespacho. Whoa. And

the room's filling up. The room's filling with hot soup. This isn't Gespacho. Not Gespresso. You don't know what Gespacho is. This also is not tomato based. There seems to be potatoes and beans. I don't get this is minestrone. This is minestrone. The hot soup is thawing me. Oh, good. I'm

okay. And why don't you dry off with this extra large funny towel? Many of these funny towels? Are very big. And if we're sail in the gift shop

oh, I got 1 of those. Oh, I get it. That means Oh. It saved my life.

Yes. As you can see, it says life is a day at the Gesbijo and is a funny large tell.

4 jokes.

Wow. Nay.

Alright. Yeah.

4. 4. It's time for the dinner portion. No. Everybody, please We are swimming

in Minestrone. No. Who are you? Your friend came back from the dead. Here likes all

you can drink, Minestrone.

No 1. No 1. Open the doors you creep and give us back our sure. Honestly, bring back that guy on the bike.

He's nicer than you. I would love to give you your shirts back. I didn't know you were women when I ripped him off. But part of the trick is the shirts are fucking ruined. I'm sorry.

not a trick. It's not a trick at all. Well, I don't know if their shirts are fucking ruined chocolate, lady. Alright? Enjoy your

So it's

sleep. Where

is Brad?

Brad. Where is he's in the toilet. Still. Did you do a crazy toilet prank too, or does he just have to go? I

don't find toilet pranks funny.

Robert, please let us out. Please let us out. Robert. He tried to eat your gespacho, but you refused to make it in your show. The dead bodies are floating

up.

The dead couple's floating up. Wait. Those there's there's your parents. Your parents are floating.

This isn't the way I imagined this happening. Folks, I'm gonna do something a little different today, but that's what Live Heart is. We're gonna eulogize my now deceased parents. Oh, no. We Alerta and Gespacho Jamieson were

2.

Of the nicest parents anyone could ever have. Born in a little village, In Germany, Gespacho Jamison moved to America with a dream, for his son to become a live performer. Now it didn't matter that his son had no charisma, a skill, and was kicked out of school. For talking too much about columbine. Miss some of their closest friends are here from Sacramento and would like to say a word too about it. We don't know them. We've never met them ever ever.

We're previously at the beginning of this. In a way, Roberta and Gespatra were kind of unknowable. But there's 1 thing I do now. If there was any way they wanted to go out, it was seeing their son's show, Robert Gespachow. Featuring on the New York Times. Do not go.

Wow.

Alright. And everybody, that concludes. The 2PM show of Robert Scaspacho. Come on back. Take a trip to the gift shop if you'd like.

That's like the little guy on

the bike sounds like. Did the gift shop come on back for the 3PM, the 4PM, or the 10PM, Gespacho after dark. Guys,

why did I miss the bathroom got fucked up.

You you missed everything. Everything. Oh, your breath is spicy. Oh, yeah.

I bought like 40 pieces of big red in there and I just kept shooting

them. Hello, everyone. How did you enjoy Are you gonna get a life's a Gespit show, Tau?

No. I think I already have Let us

out. Let us out of

here. What means more to you? After the show.

I guess the life's like a speech hotel. I do like it, and it definitely has a memory now attached. It

saved

my life.

And Would you say your soul is star? Yes. As well as my stomach. Can I ask what did you

think of the show? Have you seen the show? Are you here? Because a job or do you support

know it by heart. I know it by heart now. And I love the youth there was a part that was new tonight when he shot his parents That was and it surprises me every night, but it's usually a murder

the project? I

i guess. Well, thank you so much for the wonderful hosting. You I'll tell you what. You were a real treat. Well, thank you. No. You weren't. Let us out

of here. Let us go. Oh, okay. Well, I'm gonna open the doors, and all the minestrone's gonna spill outside, and you guys are gonna get swept outside. Are you

ready?

I sure am. Yes. Okay. And I'm walking. Hey. What is this? Delilah's quesadilla. Should

we try

okay. We go for 1 show.