Hank’s Beans

You talk to any long haul road traveler, and there's 1 thing they all have in common. They love coffee. Don't talk to me till I've had my coffee, they'll say, sure. Some beans are the magical fruit, the more you eat, the more you toot. But coffee is the magical Java. Where the more you drink, the more you offer, good time. And there's no better good time Java than the beans from this exit 42 location.

Hey. Welcome to Hank's beans. What can I get for you today? Do you

guys do just like everything, or is this like 1 of those places where you can just get like regular coffee?

We do yeah. We let me know what you you need, but we try we have an espresso machine. We've got the cold brew. That's a new addition because

oh, wow. You guys do a lot. It just seems pretty unassuming spot. It's like a pretty unassuming spot. It felt like maybe it was just you kinda came in

and it Real quick. Sorry. We are out of Colombian. Supreme. Supreme? Okay. Yes. Well, we do everything but the Colombian Supreme. We're out of the Colombian Supreme. Cool. Sadly.

It's okay. I was That's weird because I know it's I

know it's 06:45 in the morning. So -- Yeah. -- I guess, you know, we didn't restock the Colombian's is supreme in the last order.

That's my fault, Hank. This is this is me Well, beeps, I I

think you know, eventually we're gonna have to put the put the orders in on the Friday so we have them delivered by the Right?

Right. Thank you. And thank

for putting my name on the sign. I appreciate it. You know, I put up half the money, and and I know I know I've been messing up a lot, and you coulda just made it Hank's coffee. But Hank's beans. I really appreciate it. And

you

do is there some sort of situation? So is I'm sorry. I don't mean to get involved in, like, the the back end of the business or anything, but it's Hank's being so it's like We're

talking about it right front of you, sir.

No. It's okay. We're sorry. We're sorry. We're sorry. No. It's okay. It's just interesting that that it's Hank's beans. It's almost like he's taking ownership of of you.

No. Hey, I'm

sorry. I'm just on my way to work. Can I get a large everything, Coffee?

Yeah. Absolutely. Yes. Yes. Yes. Absolutely.

Absolutely. A large

garlic, onion, sesame seed. Yes, please. They are.

Okay. Yeah. Well, you we we went through a lot of names just a while while we're making up that everything. He was kinda pushing for Hanks and beans. Like Frank and beans. That's

kind of fun. Yeah. But

but we had that for a while and a bunch of people came in looking for a hotdog and baked beans as a snack. Can I actually get a quick

hotdog?

Yeah. Oh, okay. Good. Yeah. We we do have it, but it's just not our prime thing. Okay. So

large everything coffee, and then

just a large We are out of the Colombian weenie. Mhmm. That's

fine. Just a large everything hot tub of peanut beans.

Okay. Everything? Sorry.

A large. Really?

Sorry. This this our new inventory system, I I can't I I can't figure it out. I think I'm I'm messing it up.

It's okay. Do we did you want locks on the everything hotdog? Yes, please. Mhmm. Okay. And

shmir? Yeah. Large.

Okay. And

that was a large, everything hot dog with locks and shmear.

And how would you like the shmear put on there?

Slappy. Sloppy sloppy globs of schmear?

Yeah. Yeah. Just globs. Yeah. Bites.

Okay. And, sir, have you had a chance to look at the whole menu? I'm still not sure. Or do you still want to talk about the name of the place? No. No. No. We do we do

currently have Rich Niciragwan. So if you -- Okay. -- if you're looking for another beam, we do

have that. There's just a lot. It's a lot. You guys can take care of him. I might just take a second to look at the menu a little bit more. Sorry. I should've been more prepared. I just I thought it was gonna be 1 of those places where you can come in and it's just like, give me a coffee, but you guys have this

we can give you your coffee too. We got coffee. No. No. No. No. No.

Don't wanna sell myself

a statement. Make the toffee,

or is it just the order taking? No. He's making while while we're talking to you right

now. Oh, okay. Okay. Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm in a bad mood. I got a big presentation today and I haven't

oh, what is it? So

i'm doing actually a hot dog presentation.

Really? On the dog or a specific type of dog? Well, I work for It's

alright. Thanks for thanks for grilling it up. No. I appreciate it. I I actually -- Oh, yeah. -- from Hebrew National.

Oh, wow. Hey. Yeah. You guys He's

doing the

hotdog presentation at Hebrew National. That's right. Yeah. Working on a snappier a snappier

crunch.

Oh, man. Oh, good luck.

I know. I know. I mean, I know that we are the snappiest crunch already, but we think we can get a red or snappier dog.

Yeah. Because that's what I like about hot dogs. I like the pop, the the the squeeze down, and they explode. The crunchiness. Yeah. Yeah. So what do you do? Who choosing your coffee.

Oh, I'm I actually work in the bun industry.

Or you 2 got Yeah. Oh.

Yeah. Sun is gonna sunbeam or or

or is it Or bunches?

Sunbeam? Or buns is it bun scene? I

actually used to be a bun scene. I used to work at bun scene, but now I work at sunbeam.

Wow. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I I leveled up. They said they said I could

level up. Going from Apple to Google. That's like you you did you bring some Apple

i all

industry secrets with you? Yeah, dude.

I brought him with me, but What's the

dish on Bansim?

Bunt well, as you guys know, Bunn Seam was was, you know, a little they thought a little bit outside of the box were were, like, not your traditional bun company. Right. A lot of those, big tall buns, buns that you yeah. Tall thin. You could cut. Too too tough to cut was the 1 the 1

tough to cut, Forrest.

Wet and the wet buns, which was a little tough. Yeah.

Yeah. The the bunch of lottas was what you were pushing in the commercials for a while. Right? Those were

yeah. Yeah. And a lot of people said we like, tell them a bunch of lottas. Yeah. A lot of people said we need too much.

Sunbeam, because that's typically a toaster company. Right? How is it like back into their bread division?

Yeah. Well, that's the 1 that that how that harnesses the power of the sun into toast. Right?

Yeah. Yeah. It's we have toasters that kinda use big magnifying glasses that sorta take the sun, and they sorta do, like, how you do when you're trying to kill a bunch of ants we do that to make toast.

Excuse me. Sorry.

Beans, I think you burn the everything coffee. I'm sorry, sir. We're actually making another everything coffee.

That's okay. If the dog is ready, I'd love to chomp on the dog. It's 7 in the morning, and I just have to have my morning. Okay. Thank you, sir. The dog's

ready. Here's the 1 sloppy dog or sloppy schmear dog, everything?

Thank you. Thank you so much. And, sir, sir, feel free to post up what 1 of our tall tables for for the man on the go if you want. I

appreciate -- Yeah. Right. -- really appreciate the little stations you have. Each 1 has a little phone charge a little morning news TV on it. I I really am

loving this. Now did you notice that those reporters look a little familiar? I did. Are these prerecords? What how do you guys do this? This is fascinating. And

this is today's prerecords. From someone else that you guys rerecord it?

so

Yes. It's you're dead on. You're dead on. We wake up for the 05:30, and we do our version. It's

a quick turnaround. Yeah. And it looks like when I I'm watching it here. It looks like you're kind of looking off screen. Are you doing yours the same time as the other 1 and sort of just like a second later saying what they're saying.

Maybe let's listen.

And now, to me. For the weather.

For the weather. Thank you, Hank. Thank you, Hank. It's a 70 72 today. You know, this is actually confusing. After my watch

and record more.

Not wait. What? Wait. What? Wait. What? The TV is listening to me speak in real time. Yeah. Let's just explain. Let's explain. Yeah. I'm not gonna put the TV on

mute yet. Yeah.

So that was us doing each other, growing back and forth to each other. And then we typically get a lot of questions because we show off our news and we can predict what people are gonna ask their questions when they're watching it in the store. The store. The store.

As you see, It's the Schmeer store. Is she noticed? It's Hank's Bean's Schmeer store. Well, I love the little corner that you have that's specifically just Schmeers. Yes. That's just that's the scourner. Yeah. That's the scourner.

Smears. And then next to it, of course, is the smear corner. And it's just different people that have been smeared throughout history publicly. Yes. Can I say If you figured out what you would you want, by the way, a bun scene man?

I'm sorry. I've actually been so distracted by everything going on around here that I haven't actually been able to attention to the

menu? Do you want a chilean roast? Nope. We're out. Sorry.

Yeah. Sorry. Okay. Then, no, I don't, I guess.

I just checked the bag. And

and in Well, we don't we got when the bag's empty beans, we throw the bags out. Alright? Don't Throw the bags back. Because it gets So that

is what I'm struggling with with this inventory system. Throw away the trash. Shouldn't

be struggling at all. Just a quick

question. You guys do have a pretty extensive T menu as well. Are do are any of these in play here, or do I need to to disqualify any of them? Let me see. That should all be good. So there's like this do

you guys have the

moroccan

mint? Hold on. Beans? Yes. 1 last bag. 1 last bag of Moroccan

mint. Okay. Good to know. Good to know. Just Good. I guess hold can you can you just hold it for me? I'm not sure. That that's my Number 1. 0, shoot.

Okay. And here you go, everything coffee, sir, for the man on the go, which we are all over his nose. Thank

you very much. Oh 0 my god. I'm embarrassed. I had I had no idea. I guess I was just digging so much into the dog. How

and how was it, by the way? Does it have the hebrew national pop? It was very good. Yeah. You know, I I didn't wanna say anything.

I think I ordered a large. This feels like a maybe a small hotdog.

Am

i wrong with that? Beans.

Beans. What did you make? I

had ordered a large, but it was a mini dog.

It's a it's it's a little it's a

little

guy with the little croissant wrap on it. It's a little hot dog boy. Yeah.

Let me ask you that. Was it was it about 2 inches long or was it

10 to 12 inches off. Well, I took it and the the paper thing was long that it was in, but but I I wasn't looking close enough. I think

and it did look like you guys was covering And you guys did put in a huge bump, boy. It's

a it's a meanie weenie. It's a it's

a meanie weenie.

A meanie weenie. Meaning, we I've heard of this brand. They're supposed to make you really aggravated. I don't wanna do 1 of these right before my big hot dog presentation. It's too late. It's too late. I'm getting

you've taken a meeting weenie. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Hank. And and this isn't

everything. This is tasting pretty bland to me. There's no onion in No. It's nothing. It's a nothing. God. Oh, god. So

you It's a nothing coffee. He ordered an everything hotdog with sloppy Schmear, and you gave him a nothing meanie weenie?

No. It had Schmear. That's why I couldn't tell it was a small. First of all, it was a large It was supposed to be a large hotdog. It was. And I got a small but it but it was a small mini weenie. And now I'll tell you what, it's 06:55 in the morning, and I'm feeling pretty upset for not getting my full dog and having

my coffee be empty. Oh, shit. It's 06:55? Folks, it's 06:55, and you know what that means? You know what that means? Where on Earth are beans a shoe.

Earth is beans a shoe.

Now here's a little special we do, where beans is in a different part of the world. Do. All beans

is in a different part of the world? Specifically,

his shoes. Specifically, his Is this being broadcast or something? Because the only 2 guys in here, I think are upset. And this is not helping.

broadcast the news to me. I need The the other 3 quarters of my hot dog, and I don't want it to be a meme. Hey, buddy. And I want a loaded coffee for everything.

I mean, she would

Hey, buddy. Don't assume my mood. Okay? That makes me I don't like it when people do that to me. Okay? I'm not I'm not actually upset. Okay? I'm a little frustrated with how

how much yours. Upset because you stopped my rant, so you must be upset. Oh,

i'm on set.

On your emotions, you little bitch. Oh, wow. I've had a meanie weenie and it is

time to get angry. 000, you can't. You just snapped his notes like the patented Hebrew National

center. Oh my god. It snap. Don't

get in my face, buddy. Okay? Listen, you know what? Just give me a regular coffee. Give me the

ketchup. Give me the ketchup. Give me the ketchup bottle right now.

Give you the scroll, my gosh.

Another brawl in the Shmir -- Are you serious? -- store. You just

that's alright. Making you over to the Shmir corner, and you Oh, down. Oh my god. He just slapped him. He slapped him. He slapped him.

Oh my god. He's getting his face stuffed in the in the sheet of the sheet. Oh my god. Me the dinner's fish up to the soup. Oh. 1 more meanie weenie, please. I'm gonna finish this guy off. Oh, okay. No. You've had enough.

You've had enough me, wait. It's I

i'm good. God, all might be me. Oh, my

god. Oh my

god. This is a reality where it's off. It worked up a bunch of mess. I'm

a the the the buns The bun the bun seam guy is

badly, badly hurt. He can't get up. Can't get up. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I do need to drown you in that tub of shmear. Ladies and gentlemen, this

is Hank Schmear on the scene where a man has almost drowned another man in a tub of Schmir. You all hear me,

shmir?

Hank, I'm having trouble hearing you in the studio. Are you okay? Beans,

i'm having trouble hearing you in the studio, but I hope you're okay over there. I'm on the scene with the Angry Man and the Shmir stuffed schloser.

Can you

can you find out how this started? Hank schmear. Please. I'll do my best beans, but I'm having trouble hearing you because my finger is in my ear. Here with

us. Can I please just get some onion in my coffee? Please. Please.

I thought, last I heard you wanted it loaded. So I quickly chopped up some bacon cheddar cheese and chives. That's my mistake.

And that's your that's on you. That's my mistake. You loaded it and I wanted an everything. And I should have ordered correctly. I got a loaded baked potato coffee, and what I wanted was an everything bagel style coffee. And it it listen The spear is really on my face on this 1.

Well, thank you for admitting that. Now would you do the presentation for us? And, sir

presentation? Well, While they sets up for the presentation, sir, whatever cuff you want is on us. I'm so sorry your face got shoved into the shower.

No. It's okay. This happens every morning. I'll just take a regular coffee. Okay. I'll just take a regular coffee. You know what?

I'll tell you what, I'll do the I'll do the hot dog presentation. But only if my son being man will be the bun. What is the bun?

don't like hot dog and bun presentation. Listen.

You

I'm glad I've seen here for a reconciliation between hot dog and bun. Folks, I'm gonna just let them take over because this is an amazing scene and I'm gonna quiet down and put Mike on mouth.

Wow. Well, folks as you can see, the snap of a dog is very important. The type of dog is very important. And also, something I feel like we've been overlooking. The type of bun. This is my friend, Sunbeam over here, and I almost drowned him in some Shmir because I ate the wrong kind of dog.

had a meanie weenie with no snap, and it was short. If it would have been longer and snappier, I don't know if I would snap. Now take it away, bun, man. I pledge allegiance to the

I

bun. And the hot dog that's inside of it. On the bun, it sits and the sandwich, it it's. It is. On Earth as it is in heaven. Give us this bun. It's daily dog, and forgive us of our condiments. For Thine is the kingdom, the power, glory. Forever and ever. Mhmm. Aye Bunn.

Aye Bunn. And I swear really quick that I do wanna let you know we are out of normal coffee.

you serious oh,

Crap. Are

he punched through my heart.