The Laundromat

There's no space more vulnerable than a laundromat. All your nice gear held captive in a washing machine as you sit in your reverse tidy whities because you're on your third day of reusing your undergarments. Just hoping against hope, that you have not once again shrunk your dungarees so bad. But when you walk out, everyone says, that man wearing a little girl's dungarees? Then everyone says, hey, if you shrunk your dungarees, why did you wear them out of the laundromat? Just keep the pants you wore in. But the pants you wore in, you got melted chocolate M and M's all over from the vending machine, and those pants are now too filthy to wear out because you're worried that the melted chocolate looks like a weird stain that everyone's gonna mock you for so you stuff yourself into tight jeans thinking, Maybe this is the style now. And instead everyone says, hey man. Why do you look like a cowboy, but you're wearing little girls dungarees.

you tell them they're not little girls dungarees. They're big boys dungarees. They're big man's dungarees, but I shrunk them inside the laundromat and I think you know that and you're just trying to. Humiliate me. Anyway, this location is a laundromat.

And

Hey, do you have an extra dryer sheet? I'm sorry. I thought I brought my bounce, but I left it.

Yeah. Yeah. I've got a whole I bring 2 boxes with me everywhere. I hear you go. Oh, everywhere we Would you like bounce bounce gain or nature's Oh,

seventh generation. Sorry. It's the third 1.

you just

You just keep those ones in a little baggy? Yeah. I'll take the bounce. Balance sounds good.

It was what issues with Sorry, I felt a little judged on the baggy thing.

you take 2 of them with you everywhere and then I heard the 2 reputable brands, and so I was to pick 1 of those and and then the third 1 was just in a little baggy so I was wondering what the difference was.

Well, you said

Oh, these are all natural. The the ones in the baggy so I don't even put them in and bad nature boxes, you know, things that are like bad for the world. Gotcha. Well,

sorry. Yeah. No judgment. I think I'll take the bounce just because that's what I so now I feel normal.

And no judgment from me to you for not bringing the stuff you need to the laundry mat. Okay. Thanks. Appreciate it. How's how's the softball

team?

We're doing good. We're doing good. We're 4 and 6. So we're a little below 500, but, you know, it's being scripted. It's a dull softball. You know, it's it's

tough. Judging by all the stains here, it looks like you did a lot of sliding in the landscape.

Yeah. Yeah. You noticed my dirt the dirt there on the on the knees. Yeah. I did a lot of sliding. Try to slide in the third every time just to just in case. You know?

And I hate I hate to say it.

But

it sounds like when you split into thirds, something similar to what the song is about. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No. I

i noticed you saw the the dirt on the knees. And, yeah, that's Well, that's a fecal stain. It is. It's a fecal stain. And sometimes when you slide, you expect there to be a little more dirt and you slide, and sometimes it's just dried. You hit the ground a little harder.

Excuse me.

Excuse me. Does anybody have any stain remover, they can get foam out. So

you can get off

the dryer.

Hello? Hello. Oh, we hear you. Who hear you, man? Hey. Hey. What's up, boys? I didn't know

that was y'all over here.

You guys would you play each other in the softball game? Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, I didn't recognize you. Sorry.

Well,

yeah. No. That's alright. I

had on my helmet. I'm number 72. Oh, yes. So yeah. Big Homer landscape. Yeah. Cliff boy.

homer. Well,

Yeah. Big

yeah. Now I was just saying when I was sliding into home, I let out a little foam.

And I was just wondering if anybody had any foam I guess we're here for the

same issue. I let our little turds slide into third.

Oh, yes. I remember that.

I remember that. I used to be an atheist. By the

way. Thank you.

I used to be very envious of the softball league. I felt like I was the other 1 here that didn't get invited because I didn't pull the little tab you know it's someone had put it up on the cork board and they didn't pull the tab

but Well

that's not an invitation thing that you chose not to pull the tab right? So it sounds like Yeah.

I just felt left out. You know,

at the end of the day. I'm sorry. But even though I didn't pull the tab, I thought maybe 1 of you would ask. But it sounds like Well,

it's a pretty messy league here.

i mean

I felt pretty left out, you know, when when I didn't get hired to write at the paper like you do. I mean, we can't all be part of everything, you know. You get to

i didn't know you were a journalist. I'm not.

But I

wanted it to be. Yeah. I wanted

it

to be. I thought I could get, like, a little piece of the paper, just like a little soap box or something, write something down.

Hello.

Hey. Was that what you pitched? Was that the column you pitched? The

soap box. Yeah. Yeah. Cool. We're so interesting

in the laundromat. You're looking for soap. And by the way, to answer your question, I don't think they make 1 that's specifically to get out foam. I think just any sort of Yeah. You're talking about, like, diarrhea.

Is

that what you mean?

Well, it was, like, a diary of, like, a dying man or a sick man.

Oh. It was more

of a foam kind of like a foaming out.

I don't

really know, but it happens when you slide into home and you come home. I honestly don't think so. I haven't been feeling good at all. And I slid into home, which I didn't need to because I knocked that homer out. Mhmm. But I let out a little foam, and now I think I'm very sick. Okay. Oh,

yeah. I What are you gonna do? Write this up.

Go write it up. Hey, guys. Guys, we can let let's let's just all be friends. You know, we're from the same community. We don't need to we don't need to have animosity. I'm sorry. I came in a little hot with the dryer sheet thing. You know, you came in a little hot with the journalism thing. Let's all just, you know, we can all chill out, you

know. You're

good to

right. You're right. It's

see you guys.

Oh,

it's it's interesting to see you players here after umpire in the game. After umpire

both teams. You motherfucker. Hey.

Hey, guys. Don't get in trouble with each other. Don't

face to face and kick dirt on each

get

other. Oh, listen. Come on. I'm sorry about everything. Carry around your puffed up chest. I do. I'm coming here to wash it. Also wash in my pants because quick question, does anybody have does anybody have any sort of detergent or strong stain remover that might be able to remove a little dump because I, unfortunately, was was standing behind home being a real good ump and I let out a little dump. Wow. I was not aware of that part.

That

would've honestly That was why the call So you're saying they're a part

of a diarrhea song that takes a break to compliment the umph for how good they were big.

Sure does. Doing a good job, Evan. Ben you let out a dump. Diet. So

everybody knows they have diarrhea. Right? So he lets out so he lets out a dumb and then diarrhea. I think

it's a diarrhea dump. Listen. Obviously

no. The first one's solid. The first one's solid, and there's

what's it? It's a

messy league. You're totally right. It's a messy league. They serve chili dogs before the game. And, you know, everybody loves them. They're delicious chili dogs. But when you take down 3 or 4 of them, of course, you're gonna go.

You

know?

Yeah. You're gonna make for sure.

Yeah.

Yeah. Well, it sticks in here. It really

does. I would say in the future well,

yeah, I know what that's technically true. It's my pants, love. Let's do it to So It's all everything. In the future, I would say rinse them at home, bring them to the laundromat. I think the Excuse

me.

Excuse me. Hello. It's me, Ronald, who was working the refreshments. In the clubhouse.

Hey, Ronald. What's up?

Does anyone have anything to get out? Some aggressions when you're selling some concessions and your pants You feel some aggression. Diurea. Okay. Yeah.

I just have regular detergent. I I can totally give you guys any of my regular detergent. I I had forgotten my fabric softener sheet. Or my static sheet. But I have yeah. I

have regular anti

detergent if you'd like some. Agreshing?

I've never heard that term for a a Powell issue.

It's I mean, it's in the long version of the song. Is there another word?

The round was concession? Yeah. No.

I don't know. I don't know that needs to rhyme. It's not making it not any nicer that that you guys are all coming in here. I think I might do an expose about the whole league in the news that something is going on. Okay. So I

but what about

your blouse here? Your blouse covered in what can only be described as heinous shit to spill.

Yes. So heinous. So why are you judging? I thought So what's your rhyme? Heyness. Yeah. How's your blouse get diarrhea on it? Well Journalers make sense. We have the time.

Well, I am Yeah. I I'm supposed to keep this secret because it's just Wow. Expose. I am the I am actually the 1 of the the mascot. And so what you're seeing there is my little back spot.

You wear a blouse underneath the mascot uniform. So when

you when you are the mascot? My backstory for the mascot that I kinda created. Is that the mascot enjoys wearing blouses and underneath their clothes and it's their little secret. And it kind of So influences the way I cheer for the games and get the audience riled up.

So

when you are the mascot and you shoot a little back shot, diarrhea?

Yeah.

Okay. Would you look at this, you guys? I mean, look at this. 5 guys, all

from the

little League. Well, you know, the adult little league. And we're all here for the same thing, you know, we had a messy weekend. It it's just so crazy. I feel so much better now. I thought I was the only 1 who

mhmm. Yeah. You know, this is the kind of thing I would bring peace across the world. If everybody just

sort of

looked at themselves from the back in the mirror and noticed the diarrhea. That's right. That's all say This could solve world hunger. That would that would solve all This could be a very difficult difficult.

Yeah. Yeah.

I I guess what the I I already understood what you were saying. You didn't even give me a chance to respond before you cleared your throat to insinuate that you want me to write the article.

I mean, what do you think? A lot of guys, sained up undies, laundromat --

idea is. -- progressions. All guys who in Glen's word had a messy weekend coming together. Come together to wash their I

the

mean, What if that's all anything is? Every all life is is 1 long mess you can get. Baseball swings

to laundry mats. Something

like Yes. The the world deals with Hey. Here we go. My

goodness here. Diaria. You

just ran and gabriela. Just looking over her shoulder.

Yeah. I'm just looking over her shoulder. I have a process here. Sorry. Sorry. This is my journal of things that happened to me just now.

Oh,

man. Stinks extra battle of a sudden.

Can I ask you a question? Why do you bring the name brand products and then the the natural 1 in a little baggy.

Because I come here to meet I come here to meet. People to try to date and so I kind of have 1 for what I day gather their vibe is.

So you have no personal preference. It's just kind of matching up anything to somebody that you might wanna

suit. Yeah. Just lonely, I guess. Is

that why you have a couple different hairstyles in your bag there? I see a couple of wigs. Yeah.

You never know who you're gonna run into in here. Obviously, this 1 is if someone new of the Don King kind of what comes in. So

you're matching their hair. He wanna look just like him. Yeah. Like a boxer. Because

it's a good first way to talk or yeah. If a boxer came in, you know, and I could be like, oh hey, you're a boxer. I I have dog king's hair. Do

you need a promoter? Something like that.

Yeah. I I dated

a juggler for a while and had to pretend I had clown Rainbow clown here for about a year. We

pass it.

didn't

Well

yeah. Right. Because nobody actually has that. It's not I don't think that's a thing that you'd you'd people

would be looking for. Yeah. That's exactly right. We had a lot of fights about that exact kind of topic.

You said you're not a clown. You're a person who works as a clown, and they said, no, I am a clown.

Yeah, it was just like people don't have this real hair. It's that you can't, you know, be a clown, you know you know, And we would fight a lot and they would throw me in the air with chainsaws and stuff like that. Sounds pretty unreasonable to me. Well, at our at our wedding, I tried to smell the flowers and they squirted my face and they said And

you ran out? You made it to the end. Wow.

Wow. Got into my time in the

car

with my whole family. Man,

we should all hang out more. This is cool. I I mean, I just kinda go to the softball game and to work and head home. I like a little male companionship. This is nice. Maybe we're sort of the laundromat guys, you know. Maybe you guys come in here every Sunday after the Saturday game?

I

mean, I got to. I can't go all the way I am after that. We're filthy.

Well, I hit the I hit the truck showers on the way over.

Oh. And

then I come, you know, to wash the body.

Oh, that's fine. And then I come over to wash the clothes. And then you okay. So you come in here nude.

Yeah. I I use the stall the truck stall washer. You know what I mean? You pull a truck in. I'm just newed in there out in public, and then I wash off there.

And then you bring

your filthy soiled clothes over here and wash them.

Yeah. I just let the machine take care of that. I could probably

wash them out with the dryer washer, but I just throw the full dump in the machine. Yeah. These machines are getting filthy. I put them just straight foam in there

a lot. Right.

That's the

that's the question I've I've never really thought to ask. When you put something dirty in the washing machine, what what cleans the washing machine now? Who watches the watchmen. I don't know Blue, but it sounds like you're pretty use you're pretty dirty yourself, you know, the way you do us out there on the on the on the damn. What are you talking about? Oh. You guys

my heart. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh, does anybody else work?

Oh.

He's having an attack

in your heart. More attacking a heart. Well, you have a heart attack, and you feel it in your crack, diarrhea. Oh, he's not having a

heart attack.

Doctor Darrhea. And I'm having a heart attack. I think they're both happening at the same time. They're both happening. Hey. Try me in the you throw me in the watch. Who I gotta leave a quarter. A lot of quarters. Come be the 1. I have quarters. Do you want European

or American? Or

hey, man. We just Right. My hulicky. Right. My you legity. Beautiful.

You mean you're obituary?

Yeah. That's what I mean. Yeah. Do you want him to include the word beautiful? Like, you are beautiful or right at beautiful? I'm beautiful in my obituary, please. Okay. What else?

Right. It's beautiful. And write it beautiful also.

He was beautiful. Buddy, before you go, I just want to say you're sliding into the big home. I am and he's beautiful. Jesus is beautiful. What's it look like? Is he a ball player? Yeah. Yeah. He's opening up. Mickey Merrill.

Mickey. Oh my god. He also is there.

Babe. Hank. Hank. Hank. It must be the real heaven. Barry. Verybots. Redhead. He's still alive. Ritted. Oakland.

Seiko? Request?

These guys must have just passed the hours of the news yet. That's Josh us most. There he's not a y'all go to the Brave. Oh, no. The Brave --

the BRIves have the big ceremony today. What happened at the Brave ceremony today? Poo holes. Oh, no. What happens? Poo holes feels like that's something in the song you could do with his name. Cheetor. Cheetor.

Gee hoo. All of the most famous baseball players are dead.

But something What happened? Take on 1 second. Introduction ceremony today.

Short

stop, Yakey. Jayla's

jayla's boyfriend, a

run.

Yakey.

It's back. He's crazy. Take your nails there again. Or that might be Mickey Mouse. I don't know.

Don't hold. Okay. He's going He's passing. He's passing.

Minnie.

Oh my god. He's dead.

We're so sorry.

Shit. Wow. Yeah. That was tough to watch.

It was tough to watch.

I mean, but it was in heaven.

You think yeah. That must have been heaven. Those guys couldn't have all gone to hell.

Yeah. No.

Well, I mean you were all here with him and I know he didn't have any family friends or loved ones. So maybe we could just quickly do a beautiful obituary for him.

Yeah. Yeah. That would yeah. We all do 1 sentence.

Great. I'm

steve?

I

think Steve. Yeah.

Alright. I think, Steve. I'll put Stephen up a little question on the parenthesis.

Yeah. Yeah.

it. Steve was a wonderful man, and he was beautiful. Steve is a wonderful man and he was beautiful. Nice. Thank you. Exclamation

That's

point? Yeah.

Yeah. Period? Oh, yeah.

Okay. Period. Period. Period. Put him crazy.

Did you get to know him a lot from the concession stand? Did you guys have a lot of interaction?

I did. I sell the chilly dogs that gives everybody crazy diarrhea, and he would always be in there.

Steve was a beautiful man who loved chili dogs. So put that.

Yeah.

Should now, we just said Steve was beautiful. So now you can't say Steve was a beautiful man that

looked Really? Yeah. Yeah.

no exclamation

I think But

really? Because we're saying it a second time

but it yeah. But then it's overkill. Just say it in regular period because

you in this 1 with a period. Alright.

Steve -- Yeah. -- question mark for me, was beautiful. Steve was a beautiful man who loved Shirley Dux.

So that's Steve -- Steve. -- consensus?

I think Steve, as far as I remember his name was, Steve, was a great baseball player. Watching him from behind the plate. He was beautiful like no other player I would Just

real quick. So it's gonna be clear in

obit that the umpires speaking? Because they kinda put you in there. You know what I mean? Watching

the

him behind the stage. With hi. It's me,

blue. Hi. It's me, Blue. And how it's me, Blue. Steve was what was it?

Can you

introduce me at the beginning of mine?

Yeah. I mean, just I'm getting a

little

crowded here. It's rattle from the concession standard.

You can use

a bigger piece of paper from the cake and dress around. Okay. So here's what we have. Steve was beautiful. He was a beautiful man who loved chili dogs.

Now the nah, it's the umpire. It's blue.

I used to appreciate watching Steve from behind the plate because he looked so beautiful. Also Jeff is here. And earlier, it

was Ronald from the concession stands. Period. Period.

And then, of course, add your own flare. I mean, you're the writer, you know.

Yeah. Make it your own yeah. Put it our put it in your own words now.

In this writer's opinion,

steve died a pretty unfortunate death.

he saw all his heroes and have it on the way out.

But

Mickey -- Mhmm. -- babe. And he has to pay by the

word, by the way. Goofy.

Goofy. We think.

I'm sorry. I'm feeling a little left out. Can you also put in second basemen wrote the first sentence? Yes. Everybody kinda got to say who they were.

Okay. So Jeff the second baseman wrote the first sentence. That's perfect. Great. And that's an exclamation to me, I think.

Just put a period.

Okay.

comes a boxer. Here comes a boxer. Here comes a box and put your name on. We know what you have to do. Hurry. Hurry. I

Here

don't have time to second get a check. I hope I put the right wig on. Hey. Are you doing laundry?

Oh, no. It's a mohawk. You

doing laundry? Hey, dude. I I saw you put that on last second. I'm not impressed. Don't be so thirsty. Oh my god.

I'm rooting about that.

Just show me the real you. You know what I

mean?

Or a Don Kingwig or something. It's Jesus. Oh,

i'm not wearing the Don King? You

have a mohawk on, man. I don't know what you want me to sing.

my god. You thought I was a punk rocker?

Oh

Yeah. Dude. This

is so embarrassing. Punk rocker.

I

thought you were punk rocker, and the first thing I thought was, damn, not my style. Alright. Not my style.

Well, do you need to let's see. Your box are You

need to shoot. I am out of dryer sheets. Do you have any seventh generation? Second chance. I do in this little bag here. About that. That's cool. That's cool. Get off of me.