The Cowhouse

Any road dog that's driven past Exit 42 has heard the call of this bar restaurant and cafe. If you're looking for a cut of beef and a cup of ground beans that won't cost you an arm and a leg, you'd do well to enter this rustic roadhouse into your voice guy to GPS system partner.

Hey,

fellas. Welcome to the cow house, grab a seat wherever you like. Bar's good. Thank you. Just sit up the bar wherever. Usually, it's possible walk.

Y'all do any free

starters? Yeah. What's free here?

This everything on the menu costs money.

Alright. I'm out then. I'm out

okay. No. I'm out. I'm out. Cliff, come on. I

told y'all I ain't gonna spend a single

dime in this trip. Cliff. Hill trip. No. Murder. You don't barter at restaurants, my mom.

Hey, buddy. If I just gave you this I got I got a North Dakota quarter. From a personal clip.

Do not mind my friend Cliff here. He is obsessed with getting a deal. Alright. Let's

just take a seat at the bar now and just calm down cliff. You

don't get anything if you don't want 1. Alright. Just know that about me know that about me bar, man. I'm obsessed

with getting a deal. We've seen your commercials, and we love what you're doing down here. Alright?

Welcome to the cow house, a rib eye and a coffee. Will cost you a little bit of money, but you'll have a nice time. Yeah.

We drove we drove 45 miles to come down here and get that famous rib eye red eye.

Right. The Rubai Red Eye is what we're famous for, fellas got. I'll get you 3 of those or 2 and then for a quarter, I can get you a mint sir and the glass of water. How much

does the how much does the rib eye and the red eye cost?

Rib eye and a red eye special is 14 dollars. Alright.

What if I didn't pay you for

it? Damn. That is a deal. But

what if I just didn't give you any money for it and I told you how

cliff come on man we drove 45 miles.

I

am about to take issue with your friend right here. But no no And take insult. And then nobody gets a rib eye red eye. I'll point to the sign above me.

Cliff.

We reserved the right to refuse service to anyone and I noticed you looked at a couple the other sides there, feel free to read them out

loud.

Yeah. 1 just no cuff. No guff. And that would have worked.

No guff. Yeah. 1 says 1 says bad shirt, bad shoes, no service. What's that? That's right. And fellas,

you passed the test on the way and don't worry.

I knew we did. You guys are obsessed with shirts and shoes because None of us are wearing pants.

No. No. I'd I'd notice in that. And I should get a little bit more specific of a sign there, but

well, I'm wearing I'm wearing chaps. Short chaps. Short

chaps. And I'm also wearing shorts. And I Biking shorts?

Yeah. And I, of course, am wearing boy shorts that kind of underwear. So we've got

church caps, biking shorts chaps, and boy shorts. Yep. But in fact

you know those they're small briefs, but the stitching is white.

Oh, I I've seen them every time I visit a dorm room, there's a poster of someone in boy boy shorts. I've seen them.

Okay. And just to be clear, you can see 2 of our butt cheeks, but not the boy shorts

1.

Yeah. Those shorts look like they are giving you a lot of butt support. The chaps? And the bike, jabs, not so much. Yeah. Now Tiffany, tell me.

You You introduce in your I don't mean to use your first name, but you introduce yourself in your commercials. You say that you go be above and beyond when you are choosing your cuts of meat. What makes your process so stringent?

Well, I I mean top top to bottom. It is focus and I'm there I I'm there with the cow from beginning to end. And then when we choose the cut, So what I mean by that is I give birth to the cow. I then monitor the chemicals. Life, And then when it's time to put the cow down, I obviously have a a Sarimony, some. Other slaughter ceremony. Where we put the cow down, we say some kind words, some of the cow's friends get to speak, and then we cremate the remains other than the rib eye.

Wow.

Wow. You could you've agreement the whole cow except for the rib eye.

Rib eye is a few inches.

That's right. Out of respect to the cow. The only cut that matters is the rib eye and I feel that if we give the the rib eye the focus, the cows will start to understand as they grow. That the body needs to only focus on a good rib eye.

Mhmm.

And don't even ask me about the coffee.

It sounds good to us. I think we'll take it. We'll do the the coffee first. Am I right, Phil? Yes, sir. Coffee first, please.

Y'all y'all do any bread or y'all do any bread or

anything? We do bread. Yeah. We do a bread, and that is gratis. So you do get the bread for free.

Uh-huh. So

you do get some stuff away free. Garlic bread or regular bread.

It's garlic cinnamon toast.

Interesting.

Yeah. That's not that's that wasn't in the ad. That's just Can I put jelly on it too, as well as cheese?

We've got the jelly caddy right here and the cheese caddy right next to it. And

what about gravy? Y'all got any extra gravy we could dump on top of there? The gravy caustat. Style is.

Are you fucking

kidding me? I'm out. I'm out of here. Your

face is about to have a meeting with my fist if you don't show me some

oh, yeah. Well, my my face is gonna be late.

We're sorry, Tiffany. We're sorry for the disrespect. Tiffany,

we apologize. It's okay.

Let's just grab a seat at west belly up at the bar. Take a look at the moose here. Hey,

gentlemen. It's standing uncomfortably right behind the bar chairs. Go ahead. Ever see this. That's

belly

up. This

is really I'm actually quite I'm actually quite comfortable standing.

Yeah. We don't usually sit when we eat. You know, we're men.

Always gotta be a run for the door if you

need Shares are for women.

I don't happen to follow that belief system. I'll sit down when my legs get

for everybody, but as you can tell, By our legs which you can all see very well. When chairs, when you don't subscribe to chairs, you end up With a mess up knees.

tired. It's not

And we just came off the trail, like I said, 45 minutes to get here.

And that's that's the

80. Yeah. 80. We we took we drove my Tahoe down 80 to get

wow. Tahoe. Now that's a car. How's that car

rolling? How many miles is it? It's a denali.

Yeah. It's a denali leather wood grain.

2003 denali 285000 on it -- Yeah. -- still going. What grade is the price

starting to rot? And

now these are some fellas that know their way around a car I can tell.

what you got what you got under the ATM radio.

And

On star.

Oh. Yeah. What I got What what's under the hood? I'll tell you what's under the hood. A swapped out Ford Torres. Wow. Yeah. The denali engine crapped out a while ago.

Engine swap v 8 for an inline 6 2.8 liter. Baby. It it's weaker, but it's lighter. This baby has to get some RPMs in order to get that Denali moving. But

luckily, it's a different transmission too. You thought we kept the same transmission, no. We didn't We got

transmission came from a moment. We

got a transmission from a moped. A moped. It's a belt slip. It's a slipping belt transmission that squeaks. How

long did it take you to go 45 miles on the on the 80 in that thing?

45 hours. Yeah. Going about a mile an hour. That's right. We rolled.

Hey, but I'll tell you this We were screaming 8000 RPMs, 1 mile per hour. It's a loud ride, but that's that's how they know you're coming. It's a loud rhyme, but somebody's got to do it.

So 3 men, boy shorts?

Chap shorts. Bike shorts, chapped shorts, in my beautiful Denali, rustic molding. Yukon doing it. We got

big rust issues, frame, body work. Well,

yeah, that's right. I used to take this cross country, spent some time in the rust belt if you know what I mean.

The the belts in your car?

The bottom of a swamp.

Yeah. I swamped at Louisiana, then I drove it around during the winter up in New England. He was actually a stop on the fan boat tour for a long time

out down in Louisiana. Wow. Man trying to get his truck unstuck for 2 years.

Oh, here's the bread. Okay. This looks good. Spread what you

need around there? And did you wanna buy that gravy, sir? Or are you going still with just the mint and the water and the free bread?

And what does the jelly caddy suggest I use here?

I'll have to ask you.

Yes. Spooned fork. Now which flavor and which utensil here? Oh, he handed us a 3 iron. Interesting.

And so And he just threw some grass up in the air. Looks like the wind's blowing northwest.

Yeah. It's pretty windy indeed.

And I will say I love the grass.

Thank you. I mean, it's all authentic. It's all what you see in the commercial. Yeah. Tiffany's Tiffany's cow house. The inside feels like you're outside, come get a coffee, a rib eye, and our famous cinnamon toast crunch bread, garlic bread.

I was gonna say this bread looks bread

crust. That was the full 30 commercial. That was the 30 seconder. Yeah. It was heavy dialogue, of course. You don't really clip along.

Written and directed by Aaron Sorkin, actually.

Gonna say like a West wing walking tongue. It

was a West wing walking tongue. It took me 83 texts to get through. And

it still looks like they had to edit which was unfortunate because it was a single take. It was a single take editor. Are real obvious. Yeah.

Is that gonna

chance to tell you how I like my steak?

No. How do you take your rib eye? I'll take all your orders on that.

All the way rare. Okay.

All the

way rare. Slap it on the ass and send him through the kitchen. I'll take a bite of the live cow. And

that's 2 dollars off for asking with some sort of colloquialism about how What? But 2 dollars off. That's

2 dollars off. I see. Okay. Well, that's nice. Wow. Yeah.

If you ask for if you ask for the temperature cook, with some sort of colloquialism, I'll give you 2 dollars off that's part of the Lap

it on the ash and put it on my plate. 2 dollars off.

I'll take mine medium, because I'm bigger than a small, but I'm not quite a large. Okay.

Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. You didn't

get it. And okay. That 1 didn't cut it. Right?

No. I'll give you 30 cents off for that 1.

0, shit. Shit. A

lot of times the the cooks, the temperature is about what you want the cow to look like when it comes out, how close the cow is or, you know

is the cow awake or something?

Yeah. Give it to me medium. It's dead, but you can kinda tell what it would've been like if it wasn't. Burn just burn up. What what are we working with?

That's about 90 cents off there. I think It's

now, again, it's a colloquialism. It's not a slogan. Like, it's not a slogan.

Do I need to go again or I'm having trouble with medium. If you're helping I think it's I think it's the easiest 1 to do feels like it's rare. Because I can't think of 1 for medium or well done. Because rare Well done, you can come in

with how crispy it is or something like that with well done, how dark you

the sunburn and slide it on the plate.

wanna In

This guy knows his cow localisms. Calocal?

That's right. Alright. Well, maybe Cliff can go at.

Is this Kyle LOCiel?

Now Cliff Cliff, Cliff, if you're not paying, how would you like your free water?

I'd like my free water to be cold as which is butthole.

Little misdirect there. That's a no no extra deal on the water, but I'll make it extra cold You

know what? And I will take a steak. Alright. I thought

okay. You'll pay for a steak. Yeah. I'll pay for a steak. And did you want the red eye with your rib eye? Do you want the special? Got a ton of other stuff on the menu. If you don't want the red eye red by special, you could go. We've got the the baked zedie. It's pretty good here.

Ain't no chance somebody. It's pasta from this place, my man.

We don't eat pasta. Pasta. New York pasta.

Yeah. Bakes eevee is a classic New York pasta.

Newark. First.

Because you get your fingers off of my record player. Alright? Alright, fellas. So no bake's easy for you just doing the red eye and the rib eye over there, Cliff?

Yeah. Red eye rib eye. I'll also take my steak, still mooing.

Okay. That's very rare. And coffee black? No. Heavy heavy on the cream and sugar.

Oh, yeah. Me too. Heavy cream sugar. 5 creams, 5 sugar.

Also, if you could add some add some vanilla in there, maybe some caramel.

Just a mug of coffee, 5 creams, 5 sugars.

Yeah. If you could seread some cocoa on top. Give us be familiar with the mocha cookie crumble. At Starbucks.

Yeah. My daughter loves that Starbucks. I don't go in, you know. Starbucks for me. Come on.

Starbucks is for women. Starbucks

is for women, coffee bean, and tea leaf is for men. We all know.

Absolutely. Coffee being in tea leaf screams testosterone.

I

think what it is for me is the tea leaf. The tea leaf

1. Absolutely. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. If you don't include that you have tea, you're acting like a woman.

This fellas. Yeah. It fellas, you are speaking my language.

Thank you, Tiffany. Thank you.

Yeah.

Thank you, Tiffany. And I gotta say, thank you for your patience with us because, you know, we know. We know. We're odd birds. Yeah. We know.

When I saw you fell as walk through the door, exhausted, wind blown. I'm not sure if you have windows on that Denali. Good

assumption. No. We do not.

Again, just to say it 1 more time, traps shorts, bike shorts, chaps, and girl boy shorts. And we said you have nice tops and shoes, but I haven't really said what the tops and shoes are. Cheese.

They're nice. They're

very nice. Nice. It's up

to you here.

God

boy.

Was that an insult

cliff?

Alright. Here you go. 2 coffees, 5 creams, 5 sugars, 1 coffee.

So do people just overhear us ordering from you, and they actually take down the order. And, like, what do you do, Tiffany?

She's just got them she's holding up a mic to us. I guess we're talking straight to the chef.

Hey, guys. We'll go to the little bit. Compliments.

Yeah. Come a stick

to it. I've got the whole

thing going on here, you know. We make a lot of money so I can have the caddies here to give you advice on support to use and all that. Right. You got the microphone to the chef in the back. And -- Wow. -- it's the whole we got the of course, the ball boys come in and grabbing your napkins if they ever fall on the ground.

Oh, yeah. I saw 1 of them just trip and fall hard into the side. That is my damned klutz of a son. Is he the same 1 that went down at the UPS open? Yeah. Not the US open. UPS open.

Yeah. It's off

brand.

Well, it makes perfect sense because you opened your mail. So they had the UPS open.

yeah, my son is the 1 that fell on and broke on dragosys pony tail. Obviously, those

Course. And,

i was I was in some impressive

stuff. He broke that ponytail cleaning out. I

was impressed with how stiff the ponytail was in the first place.

Right. Well, that

a huge scandal to find out it wasn't really hair.

was

It was wood. Yeah. It was a wood ponytail scandal. Am I son initiated?

I think he's honestly a national hero. Yes. Well, he's gonna go right next to the Deepwater, guys. Right.

The greatest heroes of them all. Yes.

Absolutely. The deepwater Horizon guys.

The guys working on that oil rig that gave their damn lives. When I said to you, oh, I think deep throat.

I was but I said it right. He's gonna be right next to the guys who cut the corners on the deepwater horizon.

Those heroes from BP.

Oil

Alright. Feel.

companies are heroes, Starbucks, and Chairs are for women.

Quick question for you, Tiffany. What's what's the tip situation around here? We gotta tip all these motherfuckers who work

cliff, I have reached my wit's end with

you now. No. No. No. Definitely. No.

Go ahead

and try to set a meeting with your fist in my face if I told you before

my face is gonna be the same. Big Tiffany's right hand is.

Alright. In Get on my knee, Cliff. Get on my knee. Oh, you go smack. Pulling these boy shorts down. Oh,

wow. Yeah. Right. They're too tight. Oh,

whoa. Hey, ow. Oh, you will pay me my respects in here. Pay

your respect. I heard

about a rib eye. A

red eye. What about a rib eye and a red ass?

Hey. That was a good twist. It's our home feel free now.

No. Give us a free note for the quip. Yeah. We work for quips. You work for Quips. Right? That's what it says on that side.

I mean, you caught me. Yeah. Yeah. What what is it? So

don't y'all. I wasn't gonna pay a dime on this trip. This meal is free because of the

good quip

there. Alright. Well, we'll take it to go because we have a long ride home.