Convenience Store

sometimes the drive down that long, lonesome road can be a bit of an inconvenience. Well, if you're in the mood for a sit a snack and ASA friend, then Mosey on down to this store with a little bit more convenience. A convenience store. As they say. Hey, Jim. I I rearranged the cashews. Like you asked me to.

So I was just wondering, can I could I maybe take off Now I know it's it's a little early into the shift? You've been here for 4 minutes, Tim. You

been you literally just got here you clocked in, you did the first thing on the checklist. And now you want to get out of here, k, a job isn't just 1 task.

I just really wanna get ready for my date. You know, I was kind of I've kind of, like, ran a little late on my last date, and I I mean, you know this is a big deal for me. So I was just I know. You're right. It's a little early. It's an 8 hour shift.

You

did the first listen. I mean, you haven't even you haven't swept a lot. You haven't changed out the towels or the the

nappies. Can I ask you, can

i get a slightly bigger broom for the lot?

Well,

only got the 1. You know? And to put we can't replace it. We can't replace it. I know we should have a push broom. Okay?

we

We're blowing through

these little

got bad news. The ice is melting. Milton?

The ice is

milton? No. The ice machine ain't ain't insulated enough. It's milton.

Good. Because I thought you

said No. I'm right here, baby. Go anywhere. You know, nice, milton. I'm just here for my 2 gallons of milk. Hi, Jim. Hi, Tim.

Hi, Slim. Hey, Milton. How are you?

I am I'll be doing a lot better once I drink my milk with my cereal today.

I

don't know if you heard me say, sorry. You're not gonna be able to have any ice in your milk like you love.

Oh, really? Is it like the type of ice that is still ice, but it's just going to be really thin and break apart quickly?

Or is it watery?

It's fully watery.

It's mostly watery. Do you guys

think it was the insulation thieves?

Nah, no, I listen, I installed that security system. Okay? So there's no way that the installation thieves have gotten in here.

Because we've all been hit. All of our

houses are freezing. Well, if you look at all of us, we are in parkas, but it's it's just for protection because you never know which building you're gonna go into

that's had its insulation stolen. Now I tell you guys what. No. I'll tell you guys what. Okay? Not only did I did I install a security system, but this 1 of those security systems that shoots fire if somebody sets it off. And so if these guys come in here with the insulation from either here or from any of our houses,

that fire Wait a second.

You installed fire on the building? I sure did. Instead of having sprinkler systems above, It's now it all they all shoot fire. It's like flame throwers out of the sprinkler system. How

does that work?

Okay. So How

much do you pay for this?

I got it I got it for steel. Originally, the original deal was 40000 dollars for the whole system. But I got them down to 37000 dollars. I saved 3 grand, which, as you all know, is plenty. Okay. And and so we're safe now. If the insulation thieves come back, they're gonna get burned to a crisp. I'm sorry.

Where are the honey cream cashews? They're not what they normally are. Milton. Yeah.

I rearrange the cashews.

every

Why

go

from least taste to heaviest tasting in the back. Okay. So the honey creams are middle. Middle ish?

back. Like, you put them in the back of the each row. The back is, of course

Okay. Wait in the

jalapeno coconut. I see in

your books for that.

Jalapeno coconut in the back. In the back, we have we also have potpourment.

Which is not selling that much.

But, hey, I got a good deal on all these all these different nut flavors. So so we're gonna keep them. When did you get

william cube salsa in? That's

a homemade recipe. That's actually 1 of mine.

Why don't they just call that carne asada? I mean, it's basically beef and salsa. That it should

be called carne asada.

No. Because it's bullion cubes. Okay? It's bouillon cubes, a little bit of diced onion, a little bit of diced tomato, I dice up the bouillon cubes, I

drove off the bag here, Jim, and that is not a dice. I'll tell you that right now.

Okay. Don't make fun of my knife skills. Alright? And listen, yes, I

put some side bags.

Your hands are all cut up.

Well, yeah. Okay. Because I tried to do it quickly like the videos that I see online. All the time. Where the guys do a quick dice. You know how to say you gotta do a quick dice. Well, I did a quick dice on the bullion cubes, the the onions, and tomatoes. I threw them in bags because of course my salsa comes in bags and hey, I may you know what kind of brought I'm making on these, and I got them I just spent 37000 dollars on a security system that's gonna light people on fire. Okay?

Why don't you still understand why the only cashew you're making Is the bullion cube salsa? Everything else is bought, and you are going full hog. Well, how many how much Excuse my language, but

full of odd. Okay. I know it's Whoa.

Right now. Yeah. Hey. I'm sorry. That's why I'm As we know, it's a family biz.

Yeah. Zach. I'm sorry. Okay. And you

look at

the display you look at the display, there's 10 slots,

only got 9 cashew products I had to improvise to fill the tenth slot, okay, and it's gonna be your rotating a rotating flavor of the month on the cashew slots. Okay? And I'm gonna save money every day. Go back

we

to cilantro, sour. Because I wore

a hole in my tongue with the cilantro sours. Those were good. I mean, it it it they sold better than any other flavor we've done in the past. So

can I ask, you still got that hole? Can you

give us a quick In my tongue? You know it. Just a quick Well, I tell you what it comes in handy is down at the magic hut. I because you know David playing his work a bunch of holes in his body just to have them for safe keeping if he needs to pass a penny through. Or If

you've ever seen David Blaine drink of water, you will see a lot of water squirting out in different parts of his body.

He is like a human piece of Swiss cheese, that man. So I I immediately went down and tried to make a quick buck off of this tongue, and I had a couple of people put some swords through it. And I tell you what. I am doing well. Yep. Really? Yes, I

am. Is that what last week? I saw you I saw you on that day looked like you had trouble talking because there was a rabbit stuck in your tongue?

Yes. Well, the magician started to put other things through the tongue and Eventually, they put my tongue in a little box and split it in half. They dressed my tongue up in a bikini. And they put it in a box and they cut it in half. It's what my tongue is is the star of the magic hut.

I was gonna say, you're not even a magician. You're you're

just a guy who goes there. My tongue is my tongue attached itself to 40000 balloons and is going up above the earth's atmosphere next week. And they're

gonna put

it on YouTube. Red. Oh, wow. Mhmm. YouTube red, They

bring it back. Fancy

1. What a big break. You gotta pay for that YouTube. Yep. Yeah. Yeah. Well, no. This this is not affiliated with YouTube, but it is YouTube red. YouTube bread? YouTube YouTube bread.

So it's

it's a it's a it's Bread by Barno.

Sourdough, bloody, sourdough.

Bono's been doing a lot of bread baking, and he yeah. So he started this and he's doing content now. So It's a beautiful rye.

I heard it. 1 of the songs is uno, dose, trach,

corn bread. That's right. That is right. And and all these new songs have a streaming service as well attached to them.

I bought a loaf of sourdough, and I got all of the YouTube bread songs on there as is. I didn't even want They came with the loaf of sourdough.

Yeah. It comes with a full album inside.

Well, I gotta run how much for the the 2 gallons of milk with melted ice I I got and then I got the the creamy, the spicy cream cashews, helping your cream cashews. And then

are you still training for that marathon?

Yeah. I'm dairy loading every day. Because you

said, I gotta run when we so And you're downloading.

I do my quick daily load, and then I'm doing my 26 miles.

Is that what a high output athletes train with, dairy?

A lot of people carbo load, but I've been doing more of a dairy load both before my runs and I have a bit of a dairy load for the runs if you can I was

gonna say you probably have the runs also?

That's also true. That's all true. Excuse my language.

Is that is that part of your process, you want the runs after you run? Is it based on run, the word run?

Yeah. It's absolutely if they started getting the runs because runners realized it made your run faster.

Oh, Wait. Explain that again.

If you have the runs, you run faster. So that at first, it was just called the mess yourself. And it was like, well, before running was a big thing.

Well, I notice right now you have the knees from the end of a marathon runners sort of their buckling, your You can barely stand. You're bobbing up and down. Somebody's kind of rushing to your aid. You're just take the cup, man. Take a drink. I'm almost done. I am almost

done. And this is what you look like before you run 26 miles. That's

right. I got

gentleman legs.

I'm crapping up

here.

Oh, crap. Look at that. The insulation thief. The insulation thief's getting away. Hey, get. Get him. Get 1. Wow.

Fuck. It's like, me on fire. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. I don't know how to

control the specific each specific nozzle. Ugh. It was almost like a whack a mole but with fire from up above. And we we got out okay, but there's is it random a a flame?

shouldn't be. I just don't know how work the u the user interface yet. Mel Milton.

Random though. It

Did you just say random? Because that's the funniest thing I've ever heard.

It was

i just say it sometimes when people are being so little random.

Did you come

up with that? I don't know. It's just, you know, sometimes people will say things that are totally out of left field.

Let's say right now the most random thing we can.

It's a lot of pressure. Okay.

Well We already

had a lot of trouble with spicy cilantro. That took a while to get to.

No. No. No. We're all at the top of our game.

Speaking of random, slim, I noticed that you've been doing your little box car races. Slim?

was

slim.

It

That's you, baby.

Oh. Yeah. I've been racing cars.

You've recently gained a lot of weight, Slim, so you forgot

your nickname. Hey. Hey. Shut up. No. I mean I mean, that's a good thing to say that. No. It's a good thing. I wanna be little. Slim. No.

You're fine. I was just coming to your job.

was funny.

That

Holy shit. Wait. Gotta get you on a match game.

We absolutely do. I could use the help.

Oh, yeah. You've been kind of yelling match game stuff. But slim, no, tell us about the box car racing. Well, I've been racing them, and the only problem is the wheels are just what I can find. So I have 2 of the same in the back, but I have 1 front that's a hot wheel, big wheel and 1 front

that's a hot wheel, little wheel. So you have on the front about a 7 inch fat plastic wheel. And on the back, you have about A4A4 millimeter

tall,

tiny wheel from a from a car.

Yeah. Let's just let's just say it goes right. It goes right every time. And I can't and I try to lean left and I tried to I'll drag my hand left but it's going right. So if any of y'all see a wheel come across a wheel, find a big Wagon wheel. That would be an improvement.

So would you prefer to all match the big wheel or would you prefer to match the little wheel? I

just need a match. It doesn't really matter which kind. Mhmm. A big preferably because I wanna go fast.

Now, I'll tell you this, we got a couple extra little dolly carts in the back if you wanna take you wanna take the wheels off the dolly cart, you could use those if you want.

Oh, in front of everybody. I can use those now?

Yeah. Yeah.

Because

we talked about it last week, and you said not over my dead body.

Hey. Hey. Yeah. Slim? Don't blow up my spot like that, man. Okay. Well,

what? You were

being mean. No. But listen. Did you have a freak out in the back closet, boss? Course I did. Of course I did. What did you say? Did you did you not hear the other week? When when I started making a whole racket back there, and it sounded like everything was falling over and knocking down. I was just masking the sounds of myself screaming. I was losing my mind back there, so I just started knocking over all the the the back stock.

you thought that would make you seem like it was a less crazy thing was happening? Yeah.

And

I thought maybe people would think, oh man, he's reacting to everything falling off the walls. That's why he's screaming, but it turns out me and Slim had just had a little bit of an argument and I let self go.

Well, but we all been kinda wondering why you spill everything in the back once a

week. I

think just admit to the freak out, you know.

Catch out of the back, close. The whole back once a while.

I think we need to get to the source of these Biweekly freak outs, and is bi weekly mean twice a week?

Yeah, I think it means it it it's any type of week. It can go for either type of week.

Well, in that case oh, so Pan weekly -- Uh-huh. -- you have these freak out. But 2 months ago, you were offered a clean exit from the Novelty gas station business, and you doubled down on your hemorrhaging gas station. Why didn't you get out? Because a man never admits failure. Okay? That is not a a of a clear

that's not a virtue. That will it answer me. That's not virtue. Yes. It's proper.

Man never admits failure. He drives the he drives the ship all the way underground. Okay? He rides down. After

it sinks, he drives it underground?

Yeah. I've seen that your poster of the Titanic that says that, and that's I don't I think you got that printed.

Yeah. I did. The whole motivational poster business is not doing well either. No. It's not. But, you know Let's just

say it's metaphorical. What does

it say? What is the caption on your Hindenburg post Sure.

I was gonna ask about the Indian Bert. It's a it it the it's a it's Then

it say might as well. What does that even mean?

Hey, if if the outcome is inevitable, Just let it happen and see what happens on the other side. The

the

captain of the the captain of that ship saw the the the catastrophe on the horizon, did he jump out of the cockpit? No. He rode the damn thing down to the ground.

Same captain is the Titanic, by the way. I don't know if you guys knew that. Yeah. You got a you got a Tiananmen Square poster. It says be

the tank?

Yeah.

Because if you're not the tank, then you're the little guy that the tank runs over. Well, I think the tank ran over the guy. That's the whole thing.

He

didn't. The tank the tank was huge and lost to the guy because the guy was brave. You mean the tank quit? Yeah. I guess so. Yeah. I'm take I'm

ripping that poster up.

I hate your

i'm I hate your I'm with Goliath bracelets. No. Come on. Come on. I

like your Lance Armstrong bracelet's current current Lance Armstrong.

Yeah. Oh my god. Look at these guys.

These guys walking in in tank tops and shorts, these guys feel like they don't they feel like they're coming from a

temperature controlled area. Doesn't it seem like?

Oh, so you're saying anybody who is not dressed in winter gear could be the possible culprits?

Suspect I think suspect.

They came back to the scene of the crime. Let's go talk to these guys.

Hey, are you doing look for Gatorade?

How shit. He posted it. He's dead. Back to a crisp.

Hey.

Boss, he's dead.

You can't be too careful these days. The other guy's scattered.