The Hitchhiker

Is it just me or his life these days? All go go go hustle and bustle. Emails. Cell phone texts, horseshoe removals. But there's 1 place where you can always take a load off. Your friendly, exit 42, rest stop.

Wow, hon. Look at this. This place is cute. They got all little fruits over there. Oh my god. So nice to see something other than fast food. Well

wow. Are these are these pies fresh? I mean, look look at this, he's radiating off the pie

here. This looks like

fresh pie.

Oh my god. Excuse me at the jackpot. Where's the oven here? Where's the oven? I don't see the ovens how are their hot pies here.

Yeah. Are we

in a are we in a desert mirage or something?

Because this is awesome. Squek, squeek, squeek, squeek, where's the oven? My are my dust my dust my eyes deceive me? Or is is this pal? Pie warm? Hi. Do you work here?

No. I'm actually a hitchhiker. Oh,

okay. Wow.

But I'm I'm I'm traveling west. And I am kinda looking for a ride. I just got off my last car. Okay. Oh,

no. We were gonna ask about the size.

What about I tell you how they keep them hot if you want. I've been here long enough that I've seen them bring them out.

Oh, well, yeah. I'd love no. They

keep them under a heat lamp just outside of here and then they kinda bring and rotate them all day. So

you've been here a while?

Yeah man. It's a I mean hitchhiking used to be the the thing man in the sixties people did it but now it's pretty hard to get picked up by people because I don't know. People are just still don't trust each other if you noticed that.

Oh, yeah. No. Absolutely. I mean, you never know who you're picking up. You know that you could be a serial killer? You could just be bad at conversation, which might be worse. Nice day. Yeah.

Okay. Understood. Understood.

Wow, look at this, all these little wines. Who thought we would get wine at a little roadside place? This looks should we should

we have a bottle?

Dad.

Look, marmalade.

Look, dad. Wow. Is this fresh marmalade? That's that's it. Yeah. Well, fresh marmalade. Wow. The jar's warm to the touch. It seems like this might have just come off the old the old stovetop reduction.

Well, it's no surprise that Christian found the marmalade right away.

Yeah. Oh my gosh. Christian, He get his sweet tooth. Is anyone he is anyone here? Oh,

wow. You're getting a little mad. Well, you know, it's just walking at the bit to buy this fresh stuff. Yeah. It's like, you you stop

at a place like this. You wanna buy something. You'd think they'd have somebody out here waiting to take my money, but they don't. All there is is this dirty hitchhiker over here.

Hey. Hey. Let's not make

him upset. Okay, honey?

Sorry. Yeah. I went away when

he said you didn't want to talk about there. I thought he was a

tree. Hey, man. A tree, really. Well,

he's probably the brown tree. Sir, It's the brown shirt and the brown pants.

Okay. And the complexion, it's bark like.

Well, folks. Yeah. You know, I'm not as plugged into the rat races you are it sounds like and so I live a little more surely, but I'm trying not to bother you. So I'll I'll be over here.

Very naturally. Where did he first

go where did it first go wrong? When did you find yourself homeless?

Christian. The first time. Christian, it's not a nice

question. What? I calls it like I sees it. And I asked the questions like I asked it.

Oh, well, I'm I'm not homeless. I have a a small co op that I live in in Santa Fe.

Night her up. Christian beak kind. Oh, a pinot noir. Maybe that would be good. Goodbye, sir.

Yes. I mean communal living made me nauseous.

So your son your son is holding my shirt. I I would like to walk away from you, but

don't get in his face, son, son, Christian, don't get in his face. Don't get in his face.

What what do you mean a co op?

Well, it's me and 8 other Doopla. Okay. Well, I I'm trying to

sharing stuff. I can't take it. Christian,

please. We've talked about this. When you meet someone who is very different from you, even ugly or nasty, you have to just hold it in. Okay? You're right. I know you're from the presidio in San Francisco go, but we're not allowed to just say what

we mean. You're right. You're right. I'm sorry. Sometimes I get nauseous when I hear of lifestyles that aren't like mine and and and easy.

Okay. At least you're honest. Well,

well, I hope you enjoy your marmalade. And, sir, I hope you continue to be as excited about the world as you are, about the fact that pies are hot here.

Well, that's ask you a question. You've been here for such a long time. Have you seen an employee? I you know, I haven't yet, but I also A lot

of times they won't come out because they know I'm just hitchhiking and I'm not gonna buy anything so I I'm not sure where somebody is right.

So they'll leave they'll leave you in the empty store until you sort of shuffle on?

Maybe III don't know what they're doing honestly, you know, if Sometimes I'll offer to work or barter if I need something from them and some stores will have, you know, an extra room nearby or a b and b nearby that I'll use. Well,

you know, I don't think we can help you with a ride, but I do think that we have means And I would love to give you some money to help you on your journey, if that's something you would accept.

You know, if you I I really try not to accept money or or be a beggar. But if you're offering, I mean, 8, 900 bucks would get me pretty far.

So you try 000, whoa.

That's Or whatever. That's quite an ass.

Hey, you know what, guys? We thought he was a tree at first.

Let's do it. Let's give him the 900 and Let's do it. You know, let's do it. You're lucky. I've got 900 dollars in cash here in my pocket. Good enthusiasm, Christian. And here, here, take it. Take it. 900

percent. I'm really appreciative of of of that.

Now now What are you gonna do with it?

With this money? Yeah. I'll probably use it to buy gas and food and and somewhere to stay and, you know

oh, you have a car.

Well, no. III

guess I wish I would have known that before we gave you the 900.

Yeah. You have a car.

I I have a car back in Santa Fe, but what I meant was gas to to pay people you know, who are doing me the favor of driving me. I'll I'll, you know, pay for their gas if I can afford to.

Right. Is that sort of an ass cash or grass type thing? You

know, that's not really a thing people seem to say ever

or Do you dole out ass occasionally to get where you're going? Just a question I have for anyone who's hitchhiking. How often

dice roll ask? Christian. No. Now Sorry. I asked the question. Like I sees it.

does the

To be perfectly honest, you know, people that do pick up hitchhikers generally are a little freer and so if there's an attraction there, there might be it. So, you know, I I'm not super prudish about making love with people I believe any human can have a wonderful sexual experience

you know what love is. Wow. That's awesome. That's really awesome. That's

really good for you. What do you mean? You thought it would be possible that the concept of love would be something that I could wrap my head around or

when you're so beat down of the by the world as you are, obviously, you know, living with multiple people. It feels like you probably lose sight of the good things in life you don't have a family like this, you know, 2 people who get on your nerves, but you love them. You know

what I mean? Shut up.

No. You shut up.

Oh, fuck. Oh, okay. We won't.

Lana. See? That's a family.

This guy wouldn't know anything about that, Christian.

Hey. You know what? Tree? Do you have Not drinking. Tree, if you

if you wanna spend some time with our family so that you can see how people are. I think we'd be willing to do that.

That's a really kind offer from you. Yeah. I've being around you has made me kind of anxious and remember why I kind of removed myself from the world. Oh, I'm sorry. True. So

oh, well, we weren't I mean, we yeah. We weren't offering to allow you to ride in our car. We have a trailer -- No. -- we're gonna throw you in.

Tree, you can ride on our trailer.

I I only see 1 car out there in the trailer in the back looks like a a trailer with a bunch of pigs in it.

Yes. You'd be wrong. The pig stuff.

Yeah. Well, you'll notice there's a couple of other people back there that looked like youtree. Yeah. Wait. So you We We have 3 pigs

and 2 trees.

Okay, folks. I think that This has been very nice Right

in our pig trailer tree. Come on, tree.

Listen. What else are you gonna do? You're gonna stand in this empty store for another 8 hours. It's

possible. I I

tree, you dropped out of society and you refused to not get a job and participate in and participate in capitalism. You, of course, deserve to ride in a trailer with pig.

Can I ask Christian? Do you have a job or is there a job you want? I I can't really gauge your age, but

i'm in finance.

Oh, okay. And what does that mean exactly?

Well, I'm part of a hedge fund. So tree, you're not gonna understand. Basically, I invest in different types of businesses tree.

Mhmm. Well, I invest in myself and the people around me. That's kind of what the co op as well. I grew

up as well. I had taste of my mouth. I grew up as well. Oh my god. You know what, I'm just

going out 1 of these pies. If they ever come out, we'll pay them back. You

know what? Tree

don't take a leap. Tree,

give us a hundred dollars back. We're gonna put a hundred dollars in the place where this pie was. We're

just gonna take it. Rob tree now. Rob tree. Hey.

Check tree down. Okay. And get off of me. Off of me. Okay. I'm popping up tree. Tree. Guffing up

tree. Tree, give it back tree. I'm

i if I'm being honest, I'm a little fearful of my safety right now. You've told me

A pig sty in the back of your truck that you put humans in. And and I I just think that for me, I'm gonna remove myself from this situation.

you are.

It's organic. They're truffle pigs. We run a small organic truffle pig farm. And every once in a while, we take the pigs out on vacation. Okay?

So that's what

we're doing. Yeah. We're traveling in San Francisco where any big farm is, And we're taking things out to vacation.

Yeah.

We're taking them to a water park. Have you ever

had water tree?

Tree. I You know what

water is? I feel

incredibly condescended too. You know I know what water is. Oh,

that's a good word.

Oh, yeah. Why

don't you define a tree tree?

What are your types of?

Water tree.

Water is -- Water is -- -- too high to hydrogen molecules and an oxygen molecule.

Oh, he doesn't know what it is. He doesn't know what it is. Fuck off

tree. Okay. You know what? It's liquid. Alright. I'm I'm gonna leave. Okay. I feel like Oh,

yeah. Where are you gonna go, Cree. You're gonna go off, but

what's that? You're

gonna go away. Harass him. If he wants to go, he can go. Thank

you. Let me guess, you're gonna go back to your 3 wives tree that that you share

christian and Alon.

I don't believe I believe that marriage is a Christian ideal that I don't subscribe to, and I don't get legally married to people. Do

you subscribe to HBO?

do you subscribe to Tree? Stink because you smelled terrible. Christian.

What

Okay. I Christian.

What? I smells it like I sniffs it.

I've been a pacifist for 22 years of my life. And you okay. Don't throw up the idea of pacifist. It doesn't stink.

It stinks. I'm sorry. The idea of passive

so I gotta waft of something.

You are making me feel very violent right now. Okay? I'm gonna be honest. You you are We're talking You're trying to make me feel that way. I'm going to step outside away from the situation. I'm gonna remove myself from the situation. I hope you all have a nice trip -- Oh. -- taking your pigs to the water part.

Tree. Tree is so healthy. Tree's gonna make like a tree and leave. He he's gone.

But really quick, by the way. My name's Arnold. Okay. It's not Tree. It's Arnold. I haven't Let

me see your driver's license. I don't

honey

i have a driver's license. I can show you my library card. Show

me your memory card.

Christian, oh my god. Are you okay? Christian, are you okay? That's your third time Bile now. Now it's just bile because tree's making me sick. He said library card.

Who

goes to the library? I

know. Disgusting. I know. It's

actually a nice place to spend time if it's hot out, and III can't

find any Hot out?

Hot out. Hot out.

When outside, when the temperature is hot, Not

in San Francisco.

Okay. Beautiful there all year round. The

bay Breeze tree. Ever heard of it?

Yes. I I've spent some time in San Francisco. I which has a What

did you do there? What did you do there, Triel?

Quick, quick, or you're lying.

Perfect.

You're you're lying.

Quick or you're lying.

I I'll tell you what I did. You just keep talking over me and I'll let you know. Okay. Okay? I hid this is so stupid. I hid in a tall tree on fisherman's wharf. And I would I would pour ranch on people, so they would think a bird should of them. And I would say, just kidding, it's not ranch or it's not birds shit, it's ranch. Now wasn't that worth 4 dollars? And then they would tip me 4 dollars for the experience.

Oh, and that didn't work out?

So you hid in a tree? A tree? Where did you get the ranch?

The I would get extra from But boo Bullyard, what's the Joe Crabshack? No.

No. Bullyard.

Oh, Bullyard. But bullion's bullion's not the wolf.

Pullions is Well, how did you get into bullions? It's packed. You need a reservation? That's the place where everything tastes like beef, but nothing is made of beef. Everything everything

is flavored like beef and and you eat soup out of them. Did you have the broth? No. I couldn't afford the broth from Bulloyance.

I'm sorry.

It's okay. Sorry. Okay. Give

the money back. Give him my money back. Give

him

him the hundred back so he can leave with 900. Okay.

Bye. Goodbye. Thank you very much. Goodbye.

Don't be rude.

Yeah. Get out of here.

Okay. Go on. So guys, my boys, We made it through that. Okay? And I'm just glad to be here with you. Why don't you pop the top on that marmalade? I'm gonna stick my finger into this cherry pie, and let's have a nice time. Yeah.

Is there an employee here? We'd love to pay you. Hello? Well,

the pies are hot. Let's just have a slice. I'm sure, though. Come

out. Hello. Knock knock. Ping customers.

Good.

What's that sound? Is somebody tied up underneath table. Oh, no. Honey, honey. Go in there.

Alright. Hang on 1 second. Let me knock the table over. Knock over. Knock

over.

Hold on. There's something with tape over their mouth. Yes. I wanna stir hi. I'm gonna let her take the tape off. Oh. Hey, we're saving you I'm sorry. Who are you?

Oh, you got the tape off the first time and put it back on my mustache and ripped.

Right? Sir,

do you problem this? Yeah. This is my shop that guy you were talking to tied me up and robbed me. Tree? I don't know what his yeah. I I don't think I heard him tell you his

name is Arnold. Arnold.

Arnold? Let's What did he he's with that way? Look out of the way. Wait a minute. He stole our car. He stole our car and our pigsty trailer. The truffle pigs Any any hock his horn? He's honking the horn as he's leaving.

Way. Turns out we were right, and we were the normal ones.

Could you get the table off me? You could have just looked under the table. Why did you knock

it on to me? I didn't wanna

give you a chance to to to surprise me with an attack or something. So I -- Before we yeah. -- I surprise

you. Before we let you up, these pies are delicious.