The Rest Stop

Is it just me or his life these days? All go go go hustle 1 bustle? Emails, cell phone text, horseshoe removals. But there's 1 place where you can always take a load off. Your friendly, exit 42, rest stop.

Alright, guys, listen. I know we still have a couple hours until we get to grandma's house. Okay? But I you guys know, I've been driving all night. I need to take I need to take a little short 15 minute, 20 minute power nap, so we're just gonna sit in the parking lot. You guys are welcome, don't go too far, but you can get out of the car if you want to. Just keep an eye on each other. I'm

so excited to get home. You know, grandma is tired. Graham up Graham.

Grandpa.

Yeah. Pause's tired. Yeah.

He's tired. He hasn't been home. He hasn't seen grandma in a long time too. So just let let me and your grandpa take a little nap, Do you

a great time? It was well, no. It was nice to get a little space. I mean, we needed some space. You know? It's to get away and realize and remember why you love someone. I thought grandma couldn't come. I thought she couldn't make the trip. Shit. No. Well, we're ticking a break. You know how grandma and I sleep in separate beds and your mom and dad sleep in the same bed?

miss

Yeah. Yeah. You guys know how that's the case. Right?

Yeah. You've you've shown us both your sleeping arrangements. Yeah.

Well, that that's when a couple is having trouble, they sometimes they try sleeping in separate beds. See if this will fix it. Maybe if I have more leg room, I'll like your personality.

Is that She's

just dead. The weight

is that is that what happened with mom too? Could mom really not come on the trip? Or Yeah. What about you, son? Get

it off of my ass. You

know, sometimes, you know, your mother works a lot. Okay? And I also work a lot. And, you know, sometimes, you spend so little time with each other in your day to day life that you just gotta get used to the idea, that you don't see each other. And then you know, your dad takes a week off of work because he wants to be home more, and he spends that week with your mother and Your mother decides that she gets annoyed by your dad, and she says, hey, why don't you take a little break? Go up to grandma's house. Take grandpa back up there as well, and we'll check-in in a couple of weeks and see if I'm cool with you coming home or not? And then, you know, sometimes that happens. Okay? Sometimes your your your wife becomes annoyed with you. Okay? And that's just part of life. Okay?

Yeah. It hasn't been much of a vacation though. We just drove to grab grandpa, and then we went to Motel, I guess I would call it.

Well and then the bar.

Yeah. We went to the bar a lot of times where you did.

Well, there was a bar, but there was also food and and a little back area.

Strippers. Sometimes,

do you know your t t? You know your t t feels funny sometimes? Grandma, grandfather

helped me biztalk. We are 14.

Guys, let him get through it. Okay? Let him get through it.

No. It's

sometimes your t t feels funny. Yeah. And you need to get the juice out of.

Oh, god.

So you hire a couple of very nice women. And they come over and they dance in their underwear, and then they leave, and then you go into the bathroom, and you stay there for a little while. And everybody has to be quiet until

you hear grandpa until

you hear grandpa's grunt, And then, grandpa's happy again. Do you remember? You were so specific at the beginning. You told us exactly what happens.

And then you got more and more general. Which are you explaining something to us? Or are you treating us like kids?

Well, I'm not gonna go into the the gruesome details. Right.

We don't want you to.

Of grandpa's Grunt. Okay.

I should say. You all are probably wondering why I didn't bring my labrador Mandy on the trip either.

I did. I I said you could. I told you we we could we would only stay in hotels that are pet friendly.

Can I can I also, like, Can

she be my dog too? Or she's still just yours? I don't know, you know, who feeds her and walks her and who found her at the pound.

You

that's

right. So I think I if you wanna do some of that other work, you can. And, frankly, Mandy and I's future is uncertain. So maybe she will be your

-- What?

-- going forward. We're taking

a little space. Your dog's taking a break from you?

It's not that Mandy is not good in cars and gets nauseous or that Mandy had another 1 of her cluster headaches. It's that Mandy finds me to be a little bit too much sometimes. And we need a little space from each other. Wow. So that's why Mandy's not here. I just thought

and where is Mandy?

Mandy is on I guess you could call it a kind of

-- In in EEE? -- rough springa or e boogie? Because a dog's eat pray love is an eat eat eat eat?

For sure. Maybe an eat eat pant hump or something like

that.

Of course. Well, that's that's tough. Well, you know, but hopefully it brings hopefully it brings you too close together and you can know what you were the good things you were getting. Grummy Cather.

Would you all mind just when we get back, not letting anyone know that when I told that 1 dog to sit outside of the Well, I think, Randy might be a little jealous. I don't want word to get out. You

don't want us to tell your dog that you told another dog to sit? Yeah.

Yeah. I just don't want Mandy to get jealous. You wouldn't want us to tell mom that you called that hotline so many times when we're watching somebody central the other

night. Okay. Okay. Look, guys. Let me let me explain something to you. At least leave the room Sometimes sometimes -- Yeah. I have to -- you're watching late

to go into the restroom. As

i say, sometimes you're watching a late night TV show and an infomercial for a an infomercial comes on that makes your t t feel funny. And You watch the infomercial, you pause it on the good parts, and then you go into the coat closet and you With the TV paused? With the g And the

door cracked to see the screen.

And everybody has to be quiet until you hear -- Daddy's grunt. -- your daddy's grunt.

And

then daddy comes out of the coat closet. Happy again. I'm

i think I'm done with these trips. I think from here on that. I'm going with mom

This is a normal trip.

forever.

Yeah. Come on. This is not I'm just not realizing our family's weird No. Come on. You're honestly, actually, guys, our family isn't weird.

Well, isn't it weird that I'm 14, but I still seem like this. We took you all to the car show.

It was a classic boys outing. Yeah.

I think you are a little infantilized, Ricky.

I agree. I didn't know it was weird until I realized how old you were dating the dog.

And how are you dating?

That's what it seems like you have a very official relationship. You sleep in the same bed? Well, you said she's bad in bed.

And

and

and I can't do her. I can't touch her and and I can't feed her and I don't know.

That's just a she's my pet. I was my pet. I don't know where we are right now. I don't even watch about it because I don't know where we are. Okay? With everything. I feel like can I just isn't this the rest stop where they have that World War 2 tank? Can we walk around, climb the tank and stuff?

Oh, yes. I would love to get back behind. The wheel of a tank

again. Grandpa, no.

Yeah. Grandpa,

you can't do that again. Grandpa has a primitive tank since Tiananmen Square.

Grandpa,

bro. Oh, I drove the best tank. I really let people have it in that tank. I fucking killed so many people in tanks for my country. I slaughtered them.

Grandpa,

i don't think you

need to get back behind the water tank.

Yeah. It's not good. Killing so many people in tanks isn't something to be excited about. Okay? You should have a little bit of remorse. Okay? Maybe that's maybe that's our problem. In at the end of the day. We don't we don't think about the consequences of our actions. And maybe that's why

you're the men in this family?

Yeah. Maybe that's why me, grandpa, and your brother are having issues with the women in our lives.

And that's why I still feel like a baby? Maybe. Because I'm ignoring all the weird shit that's going on.

Yeah. Because you're sort of stuck in in the mental processes that are sort of an era before you were really capable of processing anything.

Have you been in any relationships? What were they like?

Just TV.

I

just fall in love with the cartoons on TV. Really? Pocahontas. Pocahontas and I were in love.

I think that it's I'm gonna be honest. You know how in school you keep asking why I never say hi to you?

you in the hallway, and you walk away.

Yeah. I ask

I'm kind of embarrassed, I would say, not just that you're in love with Pocahontas, but your backpack. Your whole outfit. It's all very, like, you're Disney very in love with the princesses, I would say. Obviously. Yeah. You signed everyone's yearbook mister Pocahontas or last year, it was mister Ariel.

That's right. Those are my babies.

Oh, god. Also, can I ask, because you keep saying we're not twins? But we're the same age. Is what is 1 of us your son and 1 of us grandpa's son? Because grandpa, you let it slip a lot. You say, well, this 1 of you is my

yeah. What does that mean when you say that? Guys,

i think it's time for us to come clean,

dad.

The little the little what what grandpa passes off as a little misspeak. Is actually, it's true.

Yep. It's true. I was heckling the blue angels about 14 years ago, and I met a woman in the stands who was there also, given the boys in blue hell, and we had sex thinking that I was shooting blanks, but it turns out I wasn't, and you're my son. The 1 you're looking at. The 1 I'm pointing at, you are my son. You're

pointing right in between both of us. Okay,

guys. I have another confession to make. Dad, that's

confusing.

The story that your grandpa just said, is only partly true. He's actually both your dads. Both are dads?

Yeah. So

we are twins?

We're twins.

Yep. You're both mine. And you are twins.

And I'm brother. Were your

brothers. Yeah. But my dad thought the age difference was so perfect for a father son relationship that he puts you guys

on my It's weird when you have 1 kid at 16, and then another 1 at 6 64. And

he didn't wanna admit to grandma that he had an affair. So he gave me the contact information for the woman who was heckling the boy's

who is, of course, your mother. Oh my god.

Emma is mom?

No. No. No. No. No. No.

Yeah. Explain I'm getting lost. Explain it, son. Or The woman

the woman that dad met 14 years ago. And heckling the Blue Angels. It had an affair with grandma. My mother is actually your mother. And I married her. So basically, let me Okay. Here we go. So my wife is dad's mistress.

Yes. Mhmm.

Your mother.

And it went off without a hitch. Until right now, at this exit. We all came

clean.

Didn't work perfectly. I mean, both of your women kicked you out.

We suck as kids. Otherwise are bad.

I haven't developed for 10 years.

We we are constantly on the run from the blue angels. They're chasing us from 10 to 10.

Speaking of which.

And that was born Oh, no. Whoa.

That's a big fly muck.

Cheese. Oh, we're getting dusted with the blue angels

alright. You know, I need I needed to take a nap, but maybe we should maybe we

should actually just I don't think I'm gonna be able to

after that.

sleep

We've been just laid you on dirt. Come on. Let's lay down for a nap. Hey. Fuck you. Fuck you. You're not even military. You're the globe trotters of the sky. Boo. Dad, dad, get back in the car. Dad, get back in the car. Get

back in the car, dad. Get off the roof of the car. Drive. What do you mean, dad? You're on top of the car.

Fucking drive. Yo. Okay. Why? Whoa. I fell off.