The Road Crew

I was driving along today thinking about how smooth and relaxed my rad was. And I realized it was all because of the salt of the earth, road crews, the key bar, roads are smooth. So next time you see those bright orange fests at the side of the road, pull over and say hello. Tom, their good friend Jean Butthole, sent you. Oh, that's my name, by the way. Coming

in hot. Coming in hot. Hey, Jack. Watch out.

Fast far hot. Rebar rebar coming through. Comingmond or Thank you. Thank you. Good job guys. Good. Looks good. Looks good.

Coming in hot rebar asphalt point. Rebar and asphalt.

Coming in hot. Watch out. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Holding, Haulman, Haulman, Haul. Gotta check this hole, guys. Gotta check this hole.

Check this hole for snakes.

Check it to hole for snakes. Check

it.

Check it to hole for snakes. Let's see what we got in here. We cannot kill a bunch of snakes again. Alright. No snakes. No snakes. Keep a garbage, let's go. Hey,

snake free. I don't need snake Peter throwing paint all over me again. That's right. Alright, snake free hole.

Snake

k holes free asphalt going in asphalt going in

coming in with the heads up hot. Here can be a little direction backing up the truck. Turned your hands the way I need to turn the wheel. Alright. Coming

rebar

in. This week? Coming on in. Come on, man. See you soon. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.

Whoa.

Alright. Keep frozen. I I was a little preemptive. It's still about 3 or 4 people. I got I was really you're

all so ready for an aggressive hoe. An

aggressive hoe. Hey, listen. There's nothing more contentious There's no relationship more contentious than the man backing up and the man given the signal. Okay? So, unfortunately, I gotta be your

enemy right now.

That's true.

Listen, I deviate everybody's doing a good job. Watching both of you, you're doing a good job.

Right? Yeah. No. I'm not gonna be able because this this is contentious between me and my Hey.

But just remember it's the role you're in. It's not the guy.

I'm a step back. I'm a step back. I'm a step back too many cooks in the kitchen. I'm a step back. No. You're not too far back. Come for that, broach, broach right there. Not too bad. Whoa. Whoa.

Whoa. I got you right by the vest there. I got

you right by the vest. Moly. Alright. I'm gonna stand right here on the edge. You almost got creamed. I sure did what she did. Let's go ahead now. In the first shot. Y'all go ahead. I'm a stay out of it. Y'all go ahead now. Go ahead. Let's say let's

say a -- I'm right in the middle. -- just

gonna say a quick quick hail Mary for Randy who got creamed last week. Poor Randy. Yeah. That's smart. We forgot to do it this most time. I almost fell, Mary. Full of grace. Thank you for being my ace. Okay.

Alright. Here we go. Backing up the truck, hot asphalt going in, re bar going down. Here we go. And 3 He's backing up the truck.

Tell him. Tell him. He's a son of a bitch. He's going too slow. Tell him to fuck off. He he's He says you're going too slow, but

it's alright. Alright.

Well, till that's till that asshole that he needs to speak louder so I can hear him and he needs to gesticulate bigger. I

think he's saying

speak up there, Bobby. Tell him, I'm gonna kill his daughter if he doesn't roll down the passenger side window so he can hear me talk. I'm gonna oh, his mother talk.

He says you're doing a good job. Just keep her steady. Well, on my daughter's life, I will get this as fall into the hole. Okay.

So y'all are hearing each other and I just don't need to mediate then because everything I'm saying to spice it down, y'all aren't even listening to. So why don't you just throw the asphalt in the hole and throw the asshole in the road? Why don't we just cream me then?

Okay. That is true. Hold on. Hold on. Why don't we

just cream me if nobody wants me here?

Nobody wants anyone creamed here. Yeah. Alright.

We're just it's a we're fresh off Randy's creaming. Okay? We're not trying to see you get And

he was the cream of the crop. I'm I'm sorry. He was the cream of the crop, and he got creamed. I'm I'm feeling my crap.

Getting creamed is never the answer. Getting creamed is a is a forever solution

to a temporary problem.

Okay? That's right on.

I'll give you the number to the cream hotline.

No. I'm good. I'm good. I just I felt very unneeded in the moment and I don't know. I just you gave me a role and then you didn't care

and

i'm sensitive and I shouldn't

be. Looks like you did an unbelievable job because the asphalt and the rebar is right over the hole. Oh,

my God. That's right. Hey,

all did this together, fellas. Good job. Let's give 1 more prayer up to the big man for this success. Shall we?

we

Yes. Rare up to the big man. Prior up

man. I'm the lead. Whose name is Randy. Hallowed

to the big

be his

cream. That kingdom cream, That will be creamed, on earth as you cream in heaven. Give us this cream, our daily cream, and forgive us of our creaming. For thine, it's the creaming, the power of the creaming, forever and ever. All cream. All Do we want to I know we wrote that last week very fast and didn't do a second draft. Mhmm. Do we wanna look at the prayer again?

Well, I mean, it was hot off the cream and -- Mhmm. -- so, obviously, we were we were writing with our emotions.

I love

it. It's I mean, it's good. It says what we feel.

I'll say this.

Is there too many freaks?

I can't do another funeral where we're up there doing the prayer and we're eye rolls from the family.

We've hey. We've -- Yeah. -- we've you're right. We've been there. We

can't even do that. Somebody says, after the funeral to me, 1 more time, was that some kinda joke? I'm gonna lose my mind. But I don't think it was the writing.

It's I'll tell you what, it's not a joke. We work on the most dangerous road crew in the world.

It's not

Exit 42 cars zoom in by. You can get creamed at any time.

funny to us.

Absolutely. And we're

we're trying

we're trying to add a bridge here for the people. You know? And we've seen our best friends get creamed. We've seen our worst enemy get creamed.

Yeah. We're trying to we're trying to add a walk bridge in 1 of the smallest towns in the country. So that these 8 kids can get over the freeway without getting creamed.

Is that and so we're the villain because we keep seeing people's those great are good. Get creamed.

I don't mean to shake up for for people who are tearing us down, but it seems the thing we're not we're not necessarily the villains. It's just they got a problem with us. Maybe we should just not take on the responsibility of organizing and executing all of the furo.

Because That that that's part of the that's part of the thing I do for my crew.

You're the foreman.

Funeral organizing an execution is what we do on the side. And the foreman mister Formant speaking of. Well, hey,

when you see an opportunity, you gotta jump at it. I mean,

we

know all these guys. We

know them because we're already there.

We're already there. We gotta get on the back end of this thing or else they're taking money out of pocket.

Speaking of Deforman, How is your grill doing? You know your grill that's

on both sides?

It's hot on

both sides?

Well, I got some tough news today -- No. -- when I applied for a patent. No. Damn it. It turns out Not only has the same exact thing existed for 20 years.

A grill that gets hot on both sides? A grill

that gets hot on both sides. Got a little got a little oil tray.

Grow the oil drips down. It's it it makes it easier to clean the top, but you've also

got disgusting

or everywhere.

What did it her Well,

now here is the part that I thought that my patent lawyer was joking with

Don't tell me there's 10 or 20 companies already doing this thing.

me.

Well, at least they don't have they they

couldn't be possibly similar names. It's a it's the boxer George Foreman went into these grills. And they're called the foreman grill. Who? Gosh. George, foreman. You foreman. Your comma George George foreman.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Oh, 0, yeah. From the phone book -- Formman -- Forman comma George.

Yeah. Yeah.

I've never heard anybody say anything from Our favorite our

favorite listing. Yeah.

Our favorite phone number.

Yeah. On top of it all, Same invention, same name, and my idol as as far as phone numbers go, beat me to the bunch 20 years ago.

Hey. Like minded, I guess.

Like God, he beat you he beat you to that number, and he beat you to the grill.

Yeah. So, but, you know, as Blu Man foreman, I I'm still trying to patent my group. And our shows that we've been doing around town and you know -- Yeah. -- I think that at least will Give me some supplemental money. Can I

say Well, how's your brother, Jeff Margaritaville? Is he doing? Honestly,

he is an alcoholic.

He's his business idea. Really?

He can't even get it off the ground. He's drunk so much. It's it's

well, I heard I heard his town has fallen apart. It's

yeah. Well, that's the other thing is Margaritaville has they they've gone to war with Chicago.

What? And

they thought they were gonna win it. Okay. That was stupid.

I saw 1 of their tanks got pulled over for DUI -- Yeah. -- on the battlefield.

The whole ville. I mean, there's no 1 under 50. So how are they going to war? Their camouflage is bright Hawaii shirts. I'll tell you these cities going to war

is tearing the country apart. It's -- It is really. -- civil war. I mean, I'll tell you what, it's good for business, though, good for the street bill. Yeah.

The

streets are getting blown up.

Yeah. And that's where we come in, fellas. Let's fill another hole. Alright. Let's

get it up. The crazy thing

is we built the locking bridge, but we just accidentally made so many holes.

Yeah. Exactly. Well, the bike wants to get over the holes, but there's still holes still need fuel. And here's the thing. It's like on a golf course. If you make a debit, you gotta fill it in or the next who comes to who's gonna scream at you. Exactly. And I'm not

trying

you guys know what happened to me last time I went golfing. I'm not in

you were kicked out of the country club.

Yeah. And take off club. It was it it it went further. It went further. I, of course, went

on vacation. You were deported. I remember that. You were deported for golfing rocks. I was. From Scotland.

Yeah. I was in Scotland. I was in Scotland. I, of course, am from Scotland accent, doesn't give it away. But I'm from Scotland, I was there, or my in laws were visiting. We went over to the golf course. We were playing the back 9. I was having the best Oh, my gosh. You played just the back? Yeah. We're doing we did the back 9.

Because memory is still pretty wistful for you. Oh, yeah. He got

deported at the end. Well, it was the best round of golf I'd ever played, you know. 18 must have gone horribly. 8 I'll tell you this. 18 18 was the worst 30 minutes of my whole life. Now did you now did did they deport you because you hit it in the sand trap a bunch of times or because you did, like, a war crime on 18.

They hit

they started on 18. 30

minutes of your life. What

did that entail? Was bad golfing or was it committed to war such?

Here's

some people might say it's the same thing. Oh, yeah. Here's the thing. I'll I'll drink that. Listen. We were getting some good shit. I'd rather waterboard somebody than get a double bogey. Well, here's the thing. Yeah. Feature. We were you know, outside the best round of Walk us through the final hole. You're 7 under going into it. I'm 7 under it. Did you get deported? I'm 7 under And so we were moving faster than we thought we were, so we were coming up on the folks that had a tee time before us. And wouldn't she know it? It was the prime minister of Scott. And I tell you what, this guy, 18 18 is a par 4. This guy was on his eighth or ninth stroke. And I was getting a few loser. So yeah. As you are on the You're on the the t box. I'm on the t box. And they will let you that the prime minister is is not respecting the playthrough rule. Yeah. No. And so either they're on the final hole.

Yes.

Typical Scott. Typical Scott. And he's sitting there here putting it from 5 feet. It's going past the hole. So as you all know, I keep a hand grenade with me. So I pull I

can't imagine.

Man would. Which is coming in here if you type to. You almost cravings and you thought you stopped those cars

in their tracks. Yeah. You know, and I beat the charges on reckless endangerment -- Pethro. -- for a grenade at passing cars. And so I pulled a grenade out, yanked the pin, put it on the tee, hit it with the club, and down onto the green. Oh, yeah. It was a perfect for It was a perfect draw. The hand grenade had a beautiful draw about 400 yards. Sank it up, drove the green. Sank it. Hole in 1. Yeah. It was you sank it. Hole in 1. Problem minister hits the deck. Gornay goes off. Green is destroyed. Make Adam's dead. Make Adam's dead. I'm sitting here. I get in the cart to go down there and pick pick up the I cannot believe we haven't heard this story. I get down there. They're waiting with we're waiting for me with cuffs. And I and I say Well, that's nice. That's nice of them to be resolved. Nice they're waiting. They they let you walk the final the final pair. I've been drinking tea with the white gloves. Didn't explode. Shit. Yeah.

So when does the worst 30 minutes start? Because so far,

it's been a They respected they respected your cocky ass walk up to the green? Well. Well, you

gotta remember the guy just hit the grenade hole in the wrist. I remember this part. You've been looking forward to a club sandwich all day.

Yep. And I and I say to the cops, I'm like, can we just swing by the clubhouse? Please, just I'll take it to go. You got him to swing by. I'll take it to go. They say sure, so they take me by the clubhouse. I'm waiting. But you never end up taking the club to go, you eat there and you eat it out of the You eat it out of the styrofoam while you're gabbing.

Yeah. Yeah. That's always the way you do it. And

here's the thing, I get in there and these, dirty Scotts, left left off the

mayo.

And

did just kill their prime minister.

i'm You

But they but they left off the mayo. And I'm just sitting here. Don't tell me you, Tido. You did not tea up again. Well, as you all know. In the restaurant. As you all know, I carry a second grenade with me just So I've been in the first

1.

So I yank out the grenade. I I see the little tip Where are you gonna hit? You're in a small room. I I see the little tip jar. I take a step back, and shoot a fade away, drops into the tip jar, and explodes. Swish. It's a switch Don't hold up. Wait away, switch, explosion. Explosion clubhouse destroyed. Well, certainly, this time they swiftly arrested you. Right? No. Because they were dead at this point. And so I'm running now. So everybody

is in the clubhouse' debt except you.

So far, everybody in this story except me is dead. How are you baking it out unscathed? Well, a lot of people say, Look, I say it's because of the third grenade that I keep with me. I Neither of those seem right. It's definitely because of third grenade. That's how I got out of it. Okay. Alright. Because I got to the security gate. This is the last this is the last of the the the grenades I had, so I knew I needed to make it count. I'm running ice, I jump into a golf cart. I'm trying to make a beeline past this security guard gate. They put the gate down in front of me. Security guard has no idea of either explosion at this point. He's just still on his He's just still on his He's just still on his cart

to go away.

He looks suspicious. He's, like, I I mean, he definitely

dark started usually come this far is what he's thinking.

He he heard it. So he knew something was weird. So he stops out. He puts his hand up like this. Bye. Going real fast in a golf cart, give him a grenade high 5. Take certainly this this effect at your hand. Well, Obviously, it did. Because you could see my hand. That's why I haven't done any actual manual labor here. Mhmm. Because as y'all know, I don't have a left hand. Well, I

can't

see your hand arm or shoulder or most of your face. Right. I didn't

wonder if it was happening. What was going on there?

No. So the grenade high 5 is took off most of your upper body. Took off most of my upper body. And then at this point, I was incapacitated.

And that happened slowly over the course of 30 minutes.

Yeah. This was well, yeah. Because there was a big gap. I was waiting for the sandwich for a long time. So that was another reason that I was pissed off. With the police officer.

The star period doesn't sound that bad. Like, the worst

because what

because what happened next, what I remember is you woke up and

watched The Seinfeld finale? I did. I did. I I woke up and watched The Seinfeld finale. And it was just as anticlimactic as I remembered it being the first

time

that I saw it. And so I was pissed about that. And at this point, I guess, I guess, it had gotten around that I was in Scotland working without having paid taxes for the last a few years. Hey.

Carefile how you get how animated you're getting. Careful. You're

gonna close the edge there. After all this, they got you on a white collar. Charge? They they got me for tax evasion, and they deported my ass.

Wow.

Yeah. They did it. Wow. They really threw the book in here. You. They just No. They did. They hit me with the stiffness charge that they could find. Which was

hey, I'm the same way, man. If if there's a guy here who I'm angry at, I don't need to fight him. Just get him out of here. Well,

we've all been deported, obviously.

Of course. Fella's. The city pays you taxes to work not to chat. Finish up.

Hey, you're a citizen. You don't get to just say

that to us. I pay my taxes asshole. Let's cream his ass. Whatever I want.

Let's let's

cream

his ass. Get a grenade.

Hey. You still got 1

of those Oh, wait. I do. Actually, the fourth 1II didn't replay high 5 his ass. Or get here. Here's his pitch

and wave. Yeah. Thanks for the suggestion, buddy. Thanks for the suggestion. Will you

come come let us thank you. Enough people react to me that way.

Hey, would you mind tending the cup while my buddy chips?

Oh, golfers. Yes. You can see I'm going golfing.

Yes. Alright. Here we go. Here we go. Ready? Pick

yep.

Oh, hole in 1. Wow. A big ball.

I'm creamed. Yes. He got creamed. Nice. Restfully

creamed.

Damn. That was fucked up.

Well, hey, let's get some more asphalt in the old heart. Yeah. Back her up. Alright.

How far? Daisy. What? When do I cut it? Crank

it Guys, your relationship.

Come on. You love the shit. If you don't crank it hard to the left.

Why don't you come in here and do it then?

Give me your second grenade. Give it. Okay. Alright? Give it to me.

No. Come on. He's on the crew. That's our truck. Don't do it. Your butter.

Alright. Here you go. I gotta line this up. I'm gonna get down and put my hands over my eyes.

Look at it. Oh, come on. Don't take so much

of it. My weight

is 4. I'm checking the lie and the You better get out of the truck. You better get out of the truck. I'm putting it back up the truck.

It's

get back it up. Fair

throttle.

Creme. Oh, 0, God. Creme. So a brayer. Get make my funeral nice.

You know that we will, and we will make top Dalt or something.

What? Make well I got Turn a profit on my funeral. Please. Please. And say the prayer for me. Say the Lord's prayer before I die.

Cream, our father, Coupart and cream. Bless thy hallowed cream. For cream

you can add card cards there.

Okay. Sorry. For Cream and

crop,

i'm sweating. Use the cards. That's why I can't use a the The cards are Just look at them. Well, the cream of the crop, the God is cream. Everybody knows. You're going off scream. I scream. Like, the script, it was in my sweaty pocket. I don't know what to do. I oh, no. He's leaving us.

Tell my son, that I'm gonna I can't have him.

Right. I was gonna say you don't have a son. So You tell him.

Oh, I should have children.