Mall Security White Elephant

two the weeks before Christmas and all across the city, People flock to the malls for gifts that are pretty. From food courts dispensers to kioskalore. The malls where kind shoppers find their favorite store. They protect us shoppers they risk their sweet lives, stop robbers, shoplifters, and mean guys with knives. Once Yiele, their trading gives oh so elegant. These God celebrate with a game of white elephant? Alright, everybody. Remember the rules. Okay? I know we're security guards, so we should know the rules. Do we have to do this right now? There's a lot of people in the mall that we should probably be making sure they aren't. Well, shoplifting Don't worry about it. Let's get no. We're gonna get the white elephant out of the way, and then we'll go back to to the day. We got Robbie and and and Clarence are out there.

i just make us a I'm sorry?

Can

Yeah.

I want a piggyback. When I worked in the restaurant industry, we would always do the shift meeting before the restaurant opened.

Clarence is ninety nine, and you got him outside of the H and M.

Most dangerous place in the mall.

It's fine, guys. Do you guys wanna get into

holiday speed or not?

I'm so sick of this. Let's just get into holiday spirit.

I do like this tradition. Through

the snow. In one horse open sleigh.

Over the hills we go. Mama said, oh, hey.

You never know

the third the fourth verse.

Well, why I always on fourth. Because you wait.

Lapping all the way. It's

it's -- Todd. Okay.

--

I mean, what is your name? Dod's good. Dot. Duck. Yeah. Yeah. My friends call me duck. Okay. So you can call me Todd. Alright.

Alright. So the rules

are simple. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding.

Why can we call you, Tom?

Because you're not my friends. That's the truth. That's just

a reminder of the laws. We each got

a smiley

stop looking over the nose of your glasses.

Alright. The rules, we each got a twenty dollar gift. There's four gifts in the pile.

Up to twenty.

We are up to twenty. I think we all should've spent about twenty. Well, you said up to twenty.

So I spent, like, fifteen

okay.

a lot. But, listen. I shouldn't say dollars. As you guys know, we all drew a number. We all drew a number. So we'll go in the order of the numbers we drew. I am number two, who got number one.

That's close to that

Oh, yeah.

That's me. Okay. I got s u. I got two. No. I got oh, fuck your shit.

I got two.

I like it some first.

We know that. Alright.

One two two two.

Alright. Good.

And then yeah. You pick the first gift, and then we can each either take the gift that you picked or we can pick a new one.

So it's white elephant.

White elephant.

Do you get a maximum amount of themes? Because we've had in the past, some people are a little more thief than other people.

I think we'll do one feat.

Well, I also feel like I got three people set up to pilfer whatever I take.

Right. Right.

And I gotta pick a wrapped one, which is huge question mark.

Yeah. You you got all wrapped here. Well, the good news is you know the one that you bought and if you want that

yours, which you look to be moving right past.

you want

Well, my wife wrapped it.

So I don't know

I hate to bring this up, but I'm looking at the security camera, and Claritz is missing a huge shot. Lived

which one.

right there.

It's Friday. It's H and M. They have, like, a bus of

Full manning. Weeling a full rack out of H and M and Clarts didn't see

full rack.

now h and m's gonna have no Coca Cola t shirts.

You're fine with that?

That's what stinks. Is I hate loss. I hate loss.

That's what you got into this government. Yeah.

It clarin's Well,

i did it. So I wanted power.

Clarence, you see what's going on out there. Scared the hell out

of him.

His microphone. Clarence is

not his

radio. Okay.

Clarence is talking to the man. Give me. Automatic is talking to him. Jesus.

Let him know. It's it's you and the radio.

Clarence, that go that that mannequin that's walking down. Scared to death. That's scared to death. You gotta stop those guys there. That mannequin behind it is a person holding it.

Okay. He's tasing the mannequin. He's too scared.

We gotta get Clarence

into more of an administrative role. Hey, Rob. Robbie We need to get going on. More to do. Robbie, can you run over to H and M and help Clarence? He's having some issues.

Robbie's high out of his

oh, my time.

Also scared by the sound. Scared

to death. Alright, Robbie. Alright.

Well, let me pick the first gift. We should get this over with so we can go patrol. Right?

Yeah. Yeah.

I'll take this one that's shaped like a trophy.

Okay. Alright.

Alright. Trophy, best security guard at the mall. I'll take that.

That's good. That's funny.

That's kitchy.

That's kitchy. Well, you know, I just thought it would be really cool to have her on the house for any

price tax.

Oh, so that's for Pluto. Thank you.

Price tax settlement. Wanna return it.

Oh my god. One ninety nine. Not bad.

Dollar ninety nine.

Well, when They

don't they don't price they don't put the price engraving on there, which was Well, they

put the price not the value. So, you know, I value this.

it's really nice.

I think

Sure. Awesome. Right. Number one. So you go next, I guess. Alright, Chris. So you didn't even consider the trophy? You said no to the you you're not even gonna consider No.

I appreciate that.

Thank you.

I didn't want it. That's for you. Citi liked it. Lighter.

Alright. Okay.

One of those that you can see through most of the lighter fluid is gone. Wow. A little purple lighter. It is ungoverned, so it'll get a big flame. Oh.

Oh. Whoa. That was my favorite lighter.

Hey, man. I appreciate it. But we used to we used to pull off of his bowl with this slider. Wow. Muston, Robby, tax ripping bowl. We would get high as hell outside of Cinnabun.

Let me know, by the way, I I got more p for you, drug tests if you need it.

I appreciate it.

Yeah. You could give I appreciate you always being so good with pee.

And is that because the bathroom is too far down the hall from your bedroom? You always have those bottles of pee? Yes.

Because I you can't there's somebody you can't tell it's night pee.

Chest not roasting

on an open fire.

Jack frost nipping at your nose.

Some people say many times many ways. Come on.

I love the Pistons. Today. Why? Why

would it be about the end of

the basketball team?

Clear. It's clear. Clair. It's Claire. It's Claire. Take the handcuffs off of manning his knees. Take the handcuffs off the mannequin Claire. Plus to his knees open.

Claire broke the mannequin's arm putting handcuffs on him.

Jesus, he's being so rough with that mannequin. He's

got his If

that was a person, this would be a legal plan.

Think the poor person would be able to fight back.

Robbie, where are you? Go ahead. Please go over and help Clarence. You're looking, Robbie. Looking at posters, expenses. Robbie.

Robbie, they didn't tell

new post it.

me the

Man, so

sick. I do wanna wanna toast off a fiery bowl

with Robby Andrews. Robby's been looking for it. He was mad. They sold out of the Imagine Dragon's haircut tour, boister. What is

that? That was the day before the haircut tour.

It's the tour that did right after they all got haircuts.

I can't believe I missed that.

Yeah. He wants to I

prefer the medium chop link of their hair.

Yeah. They would be too short, I think. Yeah. They look they'll look

well, they sold out.

Yeah. They sold

out. That's all I said.

Alright, doc. Well, you can either take the trophy that you -- The trophy?

--

brought -- Well

the lighter or you can take a new one.

Here's the thing.

The trophy's actually really nice.

Are we supposed to explain?

Oh my god. So light

almost lifted you up like a balloon. Well, it is my belief that the trophy should go to someone who kind of deserves it.

Mhmm. Mhmm. Don't take it from me.

You tackled that kid to the ground when he stole that blizzard from Dairy Queen

that's right. -- which is a hard

--

thing to steal.

Well, he made it himself. He made jump behind the counter. So you think you deserve it. Because you tackled the kid.

Well, I mean it was a pretty good tackle. I I testified against the kid. He's locked up.

Turns out the coupon was invisible.

Get the trash against the streets. I'd get the trash on the streets and yeah, the coupon was invisible. We into this groupon. And I got You are running for mayor based on getting the trash off the streets. Okay.

Like, carry your re bottles around.

Not chief of beliefs, mayor. Yes.

I already made the trash off the streets like that fucking kid. We tried to use a coupon in it.

You're carrying a big weightlifter bottle

around Josie. That's you're running me. Right? Probably. Then they said, Mary's don't even have running mates. They said, well, this one does. It's a bottle of eat. That's how serious I ever get the treasure on the streets.

Again, thanks thanks, Royce, be in there with the beef.

Yeah. We like that. What I'm gathering is you're about to hear Can I go shout shout out the beer, okay?

That's a drink. Not a drink.

No. No. No. Of course not. I know I know.

Are you sure you get a little screamer for some No. We're not drinking it. We're using nothing.

Just making sure you're just using it for drug tests.

Alright. Lighter. It's it's lighter. Lighter.

It's choking us out. You're gonna steal the you're gonna steal the trophy. I am curious.

I hope nobody takes the trophy.

Oh my god. Clarit. Why is his shirt off? Clarence is taking his shirt off and boxing up the mannequin.

What could he think he's doing?

Like a boxing match? Or like, you

know, when people take their shirts off

the box.

Squaring up to him.

She's squaring through

this, he shouldn't even be inside the store.

He should be just outside the precipice. In the display area.

Oh my god. Jump on the Christmas tree, taking it to the ground. Claring.

Claring. It's pretty surprised.

Claring. Where's Robbie? Where's Robbie?

It's like Robby's arguing with the manager about that imagine dragons poster.

See, this should be cheaper. This should be cheaper. It's fucking sick, but it should be cheaper.

Is Robby gonna end up stealing that?

No. He's not Hurry up. We need to get back out there.

So but I do wanna see what's in here. So no. I'll take the trophy. Fudge. Fudge. Oh, yeah. This will go. Real nice next to all my other trophies from every year

in the world.

God. Fucked, but I guess I do get to pick again.

You get to pick again before me.

And it's me now. Right? I

to wait.

don't have

Uh-huh. That's my one thief.

I guess I'll take the big one.

Okay. Wow. The big one. Okay.

Now remember somebody every year packs something in a big one. And it ends up being

something so small.

But we'll see what this

one is.

Let's see what this is.

Okay. Let me open her up.

Oh my god.

A little stray dog. That's mine. Really straight.

It's really strange. The strayest dog in town.

Well, it's a little ratty, but always cute.

It's cute. That's incredible. I wish

i hadn't used my thief already.

You've such a thiefus. You were being such a thiefus.

thief. Merry Christmas.

I was a bit of a

Hey, Thank you. And does he have a shot?

Yes. Just got the shots. Wow. Just got the shots. Wow.

Are you talking about head shots or vents?

Yeah. Here they are.

Yeah.

Oh, they're kind of they're a little blurry.

But he's got the he's got the vaccines. Right?

The yeah. He's got yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. He he's he's been An inoculated. Yeah.

Hanging on.

Why did you say inoculated? Yeah. He's been inoculated.

You mean he has the COVID vaccine?

He's been vaccinated. Kove.

Well, good.

Good. Good. Everybody in this room better be.

Good. Oh, yeah.

Alright. Well,

for Clarence especially. Wait.

Claire look, Clarence's on his undershirt. No vaccine. It says no vaccine. Won't take clarence, you are ninety one

year old.

Do you need that thing?

Oh, is that like a shirt for when he goes to the hospital?

Well, it's

really you're not resuscitating.

Clarets, you ask. Clarts.

Yes. I

know vaccine won't take.

So also, if you're dead, fine. Yeah. We don't you don't have to take it.

Alright. Well, the only gift left is actually the gift that I submitted. So That is true. I know what it is, and I'm gonna take

it You can see if you want.

No. I don't really want it.

What about the dirty dog?

What about the dirty dog that's sporting

her shots in inoculating.

Let me take this over. That's a twenty dollar gift certificate to Ruby Tuesday's.

Wow. Look closer.

Look closer.

We doctored your gift.

We got to it before you could look at it again. Wait. Did you guys scratch up the metallic strip on this?

Yep. We're closer. We ruined it.

We tried to change it to twenty cents, but we accidentally scrapped off the magnetic stripe.

Sorry, man.

It won't scan at Ruby's.

We all saw you outside Ruby Tuesday's, and we said, oh, he's getting a gift certificate.

We saw you sort of wagging your tail off.

But look closer. Look closer. Look closer. Even closer. It actually is for Tuesdays, t o o, the Ruby Tuesdays in the airport.

a little Wow.

And then we left

So I can't use it in that one either. Nope. Right.

If you look a little closer, there is a receipt on there.

Yeah.

When we went to Ruby, Tuesdays, you gotta pay our taxes.

Wait. Excuse me. Yeah. We said to put it on your tub and we go we could just give you the receipt.

It's a bill for Ruby for Tuesdays at Ruby's. Okay. Well, Jesus, I hate this. But she's

the wife for you.

Well, you can do a thiefree. No. It's too late. I've opened it. I can't do

it with you. Oh, you can't do it with you free offer.

That's the rules of the

oh.

I guess we can all we Well, hey. I believe that there is an opportunity where you can plead your case to steal from someone now that we've all opened against.

Maybe I'll plead a case for you

-- Okay. --

unless you have one already.

No. No. No. No.

Well, you did stop that bomb from going off.

I did. That was so brave.

Or which makes me think that maybe you were the security guard of the year. Obviously, I'm trying to keep the streets safe and get the filth off, but Never mind. I wanna keep this one.

Okay. Alright. Yeah. Never mind.

Yeah. I'm good with mine. I like this dog.

You need to go to Ruby Tuesday's right now. I'll pay that. They're looking for you. Wait. Clarets.

Clarets where

you did? What

why is he doing the coffin post?

No merchandise left in H and M. He's dead. He's doing a cough in post.

He's like, he's diet in cough in post.

Like, Han was getting ready.

Hand knows gonna be proud.

Oh my god. Finally made it to coffin posts. Robbie, go take care of Clarence's dead body. Oh my god.

I'll give you twenty five cents for this poster.

Jesus. What is you talking about Robbie? This is a limited edition, Pamela Anderson.

Should be cheaper.

It's a

barbed wire poster. Should be cheaper.

You know, I could steal this if I wanted. I know the camera.

Stop threatening me, Robbie. Robbie's haggling on a bar bar payment. No, sir. What are we

doing? Nobody's watching -- Alright.

Look. -- HM's completely empty.

Tires is

dead and called us. It's over. The the the the white elephants over, everybody, enjoy your holidays. Get back out there tomorrow.

Merry Christmas, everyone. Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, you guys. I'm dreaming of a white Christmas. Just like the one I used to know.

Where my high tops piss in?

Way off. What? What?

I wear my high tops, piss him.

Like, if you have to go outside to pee at night when it's snowy. Yes.

Oh, I see. Listen, when's your next campaign rally?

It is the twenty third Christmas Eve Eve. Okay. And we're getting the filth off the streets.

Oh, yeah. We know. And by that, you mean no bad coupon. Can I

take a sip of your pee bottle? I mean,

i mean It's not to drink.

Not to drink. I sip Let

me get a sip.

Oh, my gosh.

All units, all units. Orange Julius has been taken hostage. Orange Julius has been taken hostage.

Not a god. He's on today. He's here?

Well, yeah. Yeah. But but he's been taking hostage.

At two. He's

we all gotta get down there.

Yeah.

To the food court, to the court.