Santa Tryouts

Twas the weeks before Christmas and all across the city, People flock to the malls for gifts that are pretty. From food courts to Spencer to kioskalore. The malls where kind shoppers find their favorite store. The man we call Santa can wear many faces, fake beards, and stuffed tummies in multiple places. There's one true kringle, he lives at the pole, but many have played him. Right here at this mall. Okay, Jim. So As you can see,

the kids have lined up, you got your congratulations.

You are Santa this year. Thank you so much, Robert. This is a big this is one of the biggest santas. Honestly, it's been my dream for my entire life to have the opportunity to to spread the joy of the season to the children here. I used to come to this mall when I was a child and I sat on Santa's lap here Now it's it's it's wonderful to get an opportunity to to give the children what what the previous santas gave me, which was hope for the season -- Yes.

and a little bit of joy in their heart and a smile on their face.

--

Well, your audition was fantastic. And once again, I'm sorry you lost out. Last year.

up to Joel.

Oh, it's

It's fine.

But we just felt like, you know, we should go with him because he was getting older. Uh-huh. And it was one of his final years. Yeah.

As you know, Joel, Absolutely. And Joel JOL has my heart. Joel is here in my heart. Joel and I were friends actually. You know, most channels that we shouldn't have put him up there that Well, of course,

his shoes days in a row because he did pass away.

Can

i just say something you've got big shoes to fill?

Yes. This is the owner of the No.

I had Oh, Ziu, you're a big Joel fan. Yeah. Of course, you are.

Look at you. I really love Joel.

Wow. Everyone loves you.

It was my first Santa. Hey. Joel I didn't wanna do this program anymore.

You know you know, the last year that I sat on Santa's lap, I was sitting on Joel's lap. So it's he meant a lot to me as well. So I understand the size of the shoes that I'm trying to feel okay. And I watch You don't think you get it.

Joel was a monster.

Mister Westfield, please.

I came all the way down here. I know. From Westfield headquarters to let you know. You'll never be Joel, but we're gonna let you try anyway.

I appreciate it. I appreciate the opportunity as I've said on on multiple times. You know, can can you drop the voice for a second? What do you mean?

This is his voice. Man to man.

This is his voice, Westfield. He's very sensitive. Really? Yes. This is what this is who I am. I'm a Wow. This is how I sound. I've I've I've lived my whole life trying to to to to to be Santa Claus. I can't just drop the character.

Well, he's telling me him first.

He lived in the North Pole for almost two years.

I did.

I did. For the role. I did. Ran afoul of a few scientists and had to come back down here. Okay. Alright. He was ruining scientific Well, hoeing. It's not listen. These scientists were doing yes. The scientists were, of course, studying the sort of sonic vibrations of the ice cap hoping to someday be able to mimic it. And I was, of course, sitting on the exact You melted a whole cap yourself. Is that correct? Well, yes. Lying up fires and trying to build a little house. I would've frozen to death I hadn't been up there and started a huge way.

You guess farting?

Well, I mean, I'm mister Welch. He misses Joe. He misses Joe. Don't insinuate that our new set

has yet. I'm sorry. I've been optimistic. I'm sorry. I missed Joel. You got big shoes to fill, but due to the voice and

the Mister Westfield is gonna be up above

call him impressed.

That's fine. With I don't mind the bleaching glass, watching. I do not mind observation. In fact, it looks like the line is getting in incredibly long. Well, yes. We we

wanted to we're we're building hype

yes. Okay. So should I do my entrance and and sort of come out? Are the are the elves in the I hope you I think that would be great.

All the elves are in place. They are children from around town.

That's oh, over there, that helps the children. Yes. And they're working. Well, they're it's fun for them. Oh. Oh, the kids are fine. They wanna do They wanna do it. They wanna do it. It was it was a radio

contest, B and L, Oh, that's

at the Westfield MallPlus. So they only work for,

like, thirty minutes at a time, and

they bring in a new one. Fantastic.

So it's nothing weird. Alright. Okay. So, yes, feel free. There's a microphone. You can go out and make a a big announcement. Say you're here.

Don't make it huge.

Yeah. Yeah. I was gonna say huge. And I dialed it back. Don't go too huge. I will Huge, but not too huge.

Huge. I'll stay out of it. I just

I have such a way that I see it Joel's way.

mister Westfield.

Mister Westfield wants us to go a certain way.

Well, how about this? Joel's way. I'll channel Joel, and I will do my best.

Good luck. You might just wanna do it yourself.

Yes. Make it your own. Okay. Okay? Take what you learned at the North Pole, make it your own.

Fantastic. So here's the microphone. It's gonna be hot. As soon as you walk out.

It's a little feedback. Could you maybe turn it down just a bit? Yes. The feedback sounds like a door squeaking. Sorry.

Okay.

You ready? Alright. Here we go. And it's live? It's live. And Oh, children. Welcome to Santa's work shop. It's the same announcement. It is indeed.

You better be here.

I've come down straight from the North Pole and don't worry. This year, I've taken my gas six. That's right. That's right, children. You'll sit on my lap to see

and not

get single chance.

I knew it.

Get the get the shepherd's pole. Grab his neck, pull him back in.

So you were farting on the North Pole. Mister Westfield, please. He was farting on the North Pole and

it's

gas acts.

Jim. What was that? I was just you said make it a big announcement. I didn't want the children to think I was

the gas

next thing.

What the

fuck was that? Oh. My father didn't Santa here. Joel junior seventeen. Joe junior. Eight years to have his name ruined immediately. Kids expect to say that I came here to honor my dad's memory, and I almost had a heart attack. I am so sorry. This is all my fault.

I know junior, I cannot believe you were here after that. Amazing audition you put in yesterday. It was so growling.

wanted to say I wanted to see who beat me.

Well, I

It was

you, of course, your key card still works. You can get into any door in the building.

You're just too young, Joel Junior.

Right. That's what they said about my dad seventy eight years ago.

Well, he looks so old

when he was twenty.

Joel, I understand that this moment is rather difficult for you. Your father just died after being a santa cause for nearly ninety five years.

I can't even look at this fucking amateur.

This is how I feel, Joel. Give us a first field, please.

I know you've Yeah. You say it inherently doesn't have gas. Okay. Take gas acts. You know what? Same thing by the magic of Christmas. You know,

you all haven't even seen me once with a child and you're in here giving me notes. I met me at once with a child, and then we can discuss for life. You mispron get

me in front of my son.

Hey. No. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot you.

Just I've been slapped -- Jam.

once before a time.

--

Jim, that's too that's a step too far. I'm gonna keep you in the wings just in case this goes badly. But Joel Junior, you're saying, boss. Are you kidding me?

You stay right where

you are.

The throne from me because I have his child.

I don't know if it's dope, but I am wearing a set outfit just to kiss this. Be underneath my suit. It was packed underneath your suit.

Take the suit off. We could see this in

all of something.

Boy outboard This

is unbelievable. Mister Westfield, please. This is unbelievable. Nepotism at its fight. You hush. You dare You hush,

slap the sun of the King of Christmas. You fucking am a You

know what? Okay, Joe Junior. The mic is hot. Get out there, do not say anything about gas. You're on. You're on. Go. It's gonna be

ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children, while aging. He's

turning into a circus.

Are you

ready to Chris smooth.

Well, then please welcome. Weighing at

fifty pounds.

six hundred and

--

for the north pole.

Not known. Cash non existent. You can drink all the milk you want.

You don't have to worry.

Yes, sir. How you doing? I'm unplugging it.

Good thing for me, boy.

Get the get the hook.

Hooking back in here. Yeah.

Angel Junior. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. What on earth was that? It can drink all the milky wands.

I had to correct the thing from before the kids were wondering. Cash on

no. Mister Westfield. You know, it's nepotism, mister Westfield.

This is the type of his handshake with me. This at

if this is the type of show that this mall is interested in, I will go down to the other wing of the mall and I will work in other Santa

there's no other Santa shops. Come on.

sent

That one's a sting.

There's a soupy ass Santa at the other end of the Mallie.

I think your whole shit is fake. You I don't think this is your voice. Oh. I think you went to the South Pole.

Wow. Wow. Well, look who's falling apart. Mom. Honey,

i mean,

that's right.

Hang on. What's going on?

I am Joel senior's wife, and I'm now dating mister Westfield.

Unbelievable.

I guess I've always had a bit of a thing for missus Clark.

Oh, God.

And I'm here to save the day.

Yeah. It's body isn't even cold, and you've already moved up. I paid for that.

Just because he has a heated coffin. You can't keep saying. There's this climate controlled coffin.

I want him to be warm until we're sure.

You guys realize, mister West He's definitely so

expensive. Until worship She's

in the ground. Sure. Of what, mister Wester?

We're sure that he's not gonna do it in Jesus time.

He got ragged out till he died, sitting so many kids on his lap. You know,

i'm keeping him warm. I'm keeping his wife warm.

I don't know if we've got seats. The line of children. The line of children is stretching out into the parking lot. We've got to allow these children to sit. The children are blocking traffic. Okay. You know what? You know what? Why don't you go back out there, Jim? I would love Don't mention

oh, this I'd love to see. This is gonna go You

know what? No. I'm gonna do it completely different. I'm gonna we've seen what Joel's offspring can do, and now I'll do something converse motherfucker.

Someone this motherfucker far away from me because I am going to be very physically rude with it. Let me just tell you something impostor. You'll never win a back or whatever you're going for.

Oh, yeah. Well, hey, I'm gonna show you all what Santa can really do. Okay? Alright. And I brought my own music. I'm really I'll queue the music. Don't you don't you touch stereo? Four more chances. Alright. Here it goes. The mic is hot, you say.

Mike's hot.

You're sticking one leg out the curtain?

It's like

it's for less.

Pass pretty muffled.

Dad to dinner. Dad to doodle.

It just put brought his front body up. I his bosom for propagating.

Big Santa

didn't know now.

Okay.

Hello, everyone. Welcome to the home. That's right.

The the

poor this is

the real

north poll.

Oh my god. He's naughty, Sam.

Miss Jim, what are you doing out there?

Give him a second. I mean, as Mister Westfield.

He's doing what Joel would do. He's doing exactly what Joel would do. He's stealing

his own

thing. Okay.

I'm gonna let it go because you're my boss. Let me just unbutton one of the buttons on my santa robes. Jesus. Ow.

Come on. Okay. That was shade.

We

it's a ricochet, miss

oh my god.

Customer with me, please let me stop it. Those button ricocheted your child in

the eye. Okay. Yanking back here.

Give me

the shepherd's bowl.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my throat. Wait did this game keep going? What the fuck was that? Jam a ricochet?

I didn't mean for the ricochet to happen. You've ruined my throat.

Sid, she's not supposed to hurt kids. Kids, of course,

to hurt sex.

right now. No.

Out there

Hot Go ahead, Joel junior. Your mother and I are so proud of you.

Smack's working there there. Smack's back smoking there there.

It's Troll.

Is that clack clack clack clack clack clack clack clack.

He's twitching. Welcome to Santa's twerk shop. Wait.

Hi, Rick. It's just double the second, Sean. Give me the shepherd's phone.

My bad. Not Joel Junior. Son.

So I mean adoptive son through love of your father. My son.

Wow. It looks like you've all ruined two sets this Christmas

oh my god. Harvey fires me. Great.

Well, no one responded to my application.

So why you wanna do it? I'd

love to.

You got the job, aren't you?

It's all yours. Go out there. The mic's on. Wow.

See.