Nativity Scene

Twas the weeks before Christmas and all across the city, People flock to the malls for gifts that are pretty. From food courts dispensers to kioskalore. The malls where kind shoppers find their favorite store. Three wise men have brought the Christ child his weird gifts. At the nativity, you don't want to miss. So gather around the end with the baby. This one is near the lids, past the old navy. Do you guys know if we get, like, pee breaks?

They said if if you have an emergency, you can leave, but We get breaks every forty five minutes.

Okay. I think that's why they put the hay. Right? You can just sorta go. Right?

I don't think so. I think that's just Yeah. Yeah. No.

That was kid. Most kidding. I didn't already.

If your character doesn't have to pee, you don't have to pee.

I think we're talking more about the rules rather than a philosophy.

But I yes. I just don't feel that I have to pee. So I'm

glad that you feel that I'm glad you do because you're playing an angel top of this thing, and it would really rain down on all of us. So please don't pee.

Angel's no piss.

I don't think they say piss either.

You've got you've got to quit saying that when people walk by the nativity, angels don't piss.

Oh, we bring Frankincense for the king. And myrrh. And gold. No. You're Joseph. Oh, thank you for the gifts. Alright. They're going.

That was close.

I'm standing in the wrong spot. That was close. I'm standing in the wrong spot.

You don't even know your own character. For some people, this is the biggest thing for a year.

Yeah. Listen, man. I get it. Alright? You you have done a couple of, like, community theater projects. Okay? I'm doing this as community service.

Well, to be fair,

the extras don't usually give the main cast notes. No offense.

Oh, wow.

Well, you're just you don't have any lines

here on top.

We're background. We're background performers.

Not extras. Okay. We're part

of the whole performance in the background.

I apologize. And for some of us is

the biggest part of our year. So

i find it pretty interesting that Everybody else is played by a mannequin, and just a few of us are real. But I guess Two

of the wise men in Joseph Carter.

I real people.

I was really gunning for that third Wisement, but they went for mannequin this year.

Oh, she's come people are gonna be able to

see. Which is too bad because third wise men would piss but angels don't piss.

We're bringing frankincense for the king. And bear. Thank you for the gifts.

Wow, dad. Look at that. Some of look they're talking.

Yeah. You know the story. Right, son? No. This is the story of baby Jesus.

And so Who was bringing the presents?

Well, these are the three wise men and baby Jesus is yet to be born but they're setting up the nature.

Move along.

Move along.

Joseph's really, like, kinda dancing back and forth and kinda, like, move along.

You guys

go ahead. Move along. Mark, did you just piss your robe? I can breathe just had a break.

Joseph just did what I did at the choir performance. See, it's not that weird, dad.

That's right, son sometimes you can't hold it and that's okay, but we always what? Try.

Here, put hold take my frankincense and put it in front of the stain.

Okay. Yeah.

we go can we go to the gap now?

Good. Can

Sure. You want some chinos? Yes. Okay. My finely dressed little boy.

Thirty six Thirty six thirty four.

Don't tell them to buy Uchinos. They're not they they can't go buy Uchinos, please. Sorry.

What were

you saying, Joseph?

Thirty six thirty four. The baby Jesus needs another gift, thirty six, thirty four chinos. No pleats. Okay. Thank you so much.

You got it. You specified pleats? Take any chino you can get. Well, they only have pleats. You're gonna sit here in this fucking pee row.

What's your language?

Watching that I get all over the rope too. I You know, it can just go down the leg into the pay. Wait.

what even how do you know?

Do you

I've already urinated.

Oh my god. Yeah. I thought one of those ducks peed over here. I can't believe they have

there'd be a lot of ducks.

Live ducks, but we, us, and mannequins.

It's a British dish. Mixed media.

Alright. At least Roberta. Please refer to hasn't walked by. My ex wife,

oh, yeah. Did you tell her you were doing this this year?

No. No. No. No. I like it.

off the scent. Right? She always tries

You threw

to sorta come and sorta hack with you, but you told her

i I threw I think I threw off her scent. My scent, I told her I was out with the boys.

Well, she knows you're doing the nativity. It's that time of year.

You think so? Of course, she's probably

not all the men. She should be proud. You have a speaking role on the ground as someone who pisses in the nativity scene. That's weird.

It's somebody who pisses. Yeah.

Well, that he pisses as a wise man, an angel can't

none of us are supposed to be pissing. And I love saying that word, fishing. I've already given you my frankincense as a gift.

And the MERS here.

Thank you for the gifts. And also, is it raining in here? Seems pretty

dry to me.

The ground's wet over here. Maybe it did rain.

It looks like it rained through one start to see serious spot.

Stinks like pee over here.

Yeah. Is that somebody

needs to I

think the guys need to. Do you see in our peeing in the hay in

this one pee all over himself? Is that Jenny Jenny's mom's Roberta's boyfriend? No.

Oh my god. We have to tell Jenny's mom's Robert Roberta.

Jenny's mom's Roberta, we have to tell her.

Siri called Jenny's mom's Roberta.

Funk. Damn it. Hello.

Hi. Is I'm calling for Robert?

Yeah. This is Roberta. I'm really busy.

Roberta, I think someone you want you're gonna wanna see the nativity scene at the mall.

Which mall Sunrise?

Westfield.

Westfield, my last mall on the checklist.

No. See you soon.

Was Roberta talking about her checklist. Yeah.

It's only like she checks every mall in the area for your nativity scene.

God. Why is she obsessed with me? Doing this. I need a little extra money for gifts. She's so she hates She's really hard. She hates She's such an atheist. She hates it. It's like, this is an easy job for me.

Dude atheists are tough, man. Any woman would be

i hate atheists.

They just hate Jesus so much.

It's not that they don't believe in him. They just hate atheists.

They just hate Jesus. Like I I I if any woman would be lucky to be dating someone with a speaking top of the call sheet role, at the main jail.

You know what? Honestly, if Alberta's gonna come, why don't you just switch places with the angel? She's not gonna look up above. Nobody looks up there.

Always even noticed that there's been

an angel up there the whole time.

Is that true? That's actually a really good idea. Yeah. Will you guys reach with me?

Really?

Yeah. Just throw me your costume.

Okay.

I get thought I'm new. I'll get nude.

It's too late now. I'm bulling you. You gotta of yours.

God. Here. Oh my god. Baby Jesus is naked on top of the wheelchair. You got a different role. They confused you for a baby

did you fear the baby Jesus dummy away?

My mom never even had sex.

Okay. Where?

Very language forward, baby.

Why does baby Jesus have so much fur?

No more questions. No more questions. It is a passive audience. The fourth wall is not being broken.

Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Come for your cock Stop explaining the theatrical life. You have to cover your cock.

That's just a helpful dad in the

audience. Cover your cock.

Seems like he's been

in such

a long time. Why is he saying such an plicit word in front of his children. Cover. Oh, god.

A dead and late?

Nothing. Come on. Let's go. Hey, buddy. Cover the cop.

Hey, can I say something, Kyle? That was actually a really good performance. It wasn't the role you were meant for trying to play, but it was really good.

Really? I mean, I've been preparing my whole life. I've been doing little mall scenes since For

the malls. It's what?

Little mall scenes.

What would you remember one of your first mall scenes?

I played one of the East to bunny's eggs.

Oh, is that when you almost died?

Yeah. Well, they didn't know at the time that was the early two thousands. They didn't know at the time that you can't use toxic paint on people.

No kidding. They've knitted you an exterior housemate.

And a a nice finish too. Yeah.

You were eggshell. That was

very eggshell. And also, I was totally, like, rate proofed.

They painted you not as a diet egg. They painted you a naked egg.

Oh, and that's when they I remember you. They were telling you to cover your cock. It's It was broken. I would be Sir, they get a cock. Have somebody. Perish.

They're coming back with your pants.

Getting on

the roof. They're coming back with your pants.

Here you guys go. Thirty six thirty two.

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

And it smelled like someone else needed them too. So I got a forty by thirty.

Are you fucking kidding me?

There's pleats on these.

Oh my god.

I just take them.

I'm trying to

get two inches off on the way.

Plates look so stupid. Take They're short and pleated.

Plates make me look like MC Hammer.

What can I tell you something, guy?

They don't smell like pee pee.

Okay. So maybe take the gift.

I have a pit. I didn't pee. It rained

in here. No. It didn't. No. It didn't. Don't lie impairing myself. Jesus. These ducks.

Okay. Fine. Thank you so much. How much do I owe

you? It's a gratis. Gladis.

Yeah. I got it.

Got it.

What about fine? What about the forty by thirty? Did you wanna take those?

If anybody wants them, they can have them.

well, one of us has been peeing in the head.

I think

Yeah. I'll take them. I'll take them. I'll take them. Take them.

much, sir. Thank you for visiting the manger.

Thank you so

And and my son will enjoy these pants.

And the mirror.

Googoo burger.

Somebody's here.

I think it's just the delivery, man.

Oh, no. I got a UPS to disguise in case Roberta shows up. Open it. Open

Yeah.

it.

Ghandi.

Alright. This should work.

It's a Ghandi mask.

Okay. Yeah. Wiseman, Wiseman. Yeah. Major little baby Jesus in there. Yeah. Gandhi, everything looks right, Haan. What do you think? These are pretty cool.

Yeah. Yeah. I I still would like to do my shopping. But yeah. Yeah.

I just wanted to see this first.

Right. I

wanna give you right to

the city fourth stop in a row that you think you just wanted to show me. I feel like you don't wanna do my shopping today.

I do. I just want you to see them all. I just wanna make sure you see all the cool stuff at the moment.

It's really nice. It's a really nice nativity.

Awesome. Now let's go to buckle

and get you whatever you want.

Buckle deserve anything I want.

What is it that you want? I guess we're not vibing.

Maybe you should accept the Lord Jesus says your one true savior.

Are they supposed to prosol proselytize?

Yeah. Why not have you considered God?

Don't be an atheist. Don't hate Jesus. Except him into your soul.

In decades, I'm gonna die for your sins.

I'm getting people to become a Christian. Has gone Hello. Oh. There you are. You peace of shit.

How did you

know it was me, Roberta?

It's dirty, Robertie. And you are in trouble. You are so embarrassing.

Look at you. This is the best job you'll ever have, and it stinks. Come on, Roberta. I'm just trying to make a little money to for gifts.

You know you deserved it? You deserved our separation? You were so

rude to me. I was not. I was simply believing in my religion. Oh,

yuck. Discussing.

Look at that woman letting Gandhi have it in the manger. Are we allowed to just go let someone have it if we want to. Giving him a nookie.

Yay. Yay. Yay.

Yay. Roberta, why don't you go on?

Why don't you get a restraining order? Is that how you feel?

I am going to? Oh, yeah. Proof it. I will. As soon as the city hall opens after the holidays, I'm gonna go down there.

I heard this before. You know how many restraining orders people have balked on against me?

That's because you always get

down on your knees when they go to file them. And you beg them to stop.

Please don't leave.

And you use those big, old, beautiful eyes and you

blink them.

Stop blinking your eyes at me. Peez. I've changed her mouth. She's beautiful. Fuck. Alright. I'll get back with you.

Alright. Fine. Me too. Oh,

alright, guys. I'm leaving. Hey, Robert. I'm back with Roberta.

No. Roberta, would you mind standing in for me for a second? I gotta Oh, what stinks? Just keep standing for a second. It smells like urine.

That's how she says it. Leave her alone. That's my baby. You're riding in there. That's my baby. If you really Before alone,

if you really wanna connect with

your boyfriend I'm doing anything weird.

You really wanna connect with

your boyfriend. Maybe you could just be Joseph for a minute while I to the the little boy's room.

Okay. I'll give it a second.

Have the it's I you're Joseph, I'm I'm Robertie. You well, yes. You're dirty, Robertie, but you're Joseph right now, and this is your baby, the full grown baby.

Oh, hello.

Okay. No. Robertie. Robertie, no. What?

What for the remainder?

Doing doing?

Stop. Stop. Given the baby your eyes, don't you dare?

I am a happily homosexual man.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Nice to meet you.

Likewise. Oh,

here guy here comes somebody.

Thank you so much.

Wow. Here is Frankincense that we've brought for the king. And myrrh. No. Oh, yeah. He's still here.

Thank you for the gifts.

Good job, Robert.

Hi. I'm here from the city. I'm here to close you down.

What? What?

This is a health hazard. The ducks in the urine have been

you see. That's right.

you're right. I knew

You say

i was saying it right.

What is number two to you? How do you pronounce that? Pute. Pute. Pute and you're Ryan.

What are you talking about number two?

Poop. Oh, Pup and urine. Pup. Pup. No. No. We're staying here.

Don't you shut this down? I thought you guys were

closed now,

forty five dollars if you don't close this statement.

Okay. Okay. I don't have it. I don't have it. Okay. Okay. I can get

What's the point of this

it on my knees.

hey, man. You gotta put your cock away. Put the cock away.

Hey, everybody. Thanks so much for stepping in for me. I I thought I only had to your eyes I actually had to take a puke.

Oh, no problem. I say it like that too.

Pupe, and you're right. I've been saying it wrong. Listen. Lyle, you've got to get closed. You cannot be.

Everybody's always trying to censor me. From day one, naked egg to naked baby Jesus. Fine. I'll put my clothes on. Alright everybody. I'm a baby. You can't tell have clothes on.

You could tell you a baby when you have clothes on.

Thanks. You could tell a lot easier.