Welcome to last resort, the podcast where billionaire jet setters eat prey lovers in a family of five. Just looking for a nice getaway. Can tune in to get the inside scoop on the goings on of We're not gonna even say the number because things are still being finalized, but we are about to be one of the top ranked off beach, Gulf Coast vacation spots in the beautiful USFA, for sure

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yes.

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resort buffet. Offshore casino and underwater graveyard or cemetery,

under That's right.

That's absolutely right. Yeah.

And well, we we went from last week. We were well buffet, but now we're just back to buffet.

Yeah. We were able we were able

to to switch back.

Yeah. We we we finalized the copyright dispute. There was another local restaurant that was going for the was calling itself a well, buffet. We took him to court.

I think that was a well, buffet.

Right? Yeah. You lower down from

the well.

You lower down a bucket. Yes. And there's a somebody down there with, like, a bunch of rolls and some steak of a couple of vegetables and you just and there's also a little girl down there who's haunted got really long wet hair. And sometimes

you bring

her up and you you just get you. She ravages you.

She's like the she's like the bumblebee from hometown buffet. You get the long haired girl, and she'll come up on your stay and ravage you, ravaging family. Right.

You get ravaged. Your family gets absolutely ravaged.

And so, of course, there was there was some trademark stuff over that one, but also we were under investigation for not technically being a buffet. Some of our food was not quite all you can eat, but the the people came

and gave us approval. Well, that was

in the beginning, that was the issue. We were we were ready with the tables and the serving area, but we did not have the what would you call it? I guess food.

You know,

i mean, you have the the edible food. It was not at the the the the the health certification, people they give you, ABC, d, e, f. They wouldn't even give us anything. They give us a number.

I'll say this. Guys, I'll tell you this. I think I think for the next time, for the next time we decide when we expand the For

the next time.

I I think we need to make sure that we're a little more clear on what what the business is actually gonna be because I think we went back and forth on a lot of different things with the Well fay. Originally, it was all we think you can eat, and then it you know, we don't have any food, then we were using the Golden Corral buffet for a little while. I think next time, we just need to have a plan for what the business is gonna be. And then we need to just sort of follow through on what

with a lot of stuff. We had the materials. We had the trays.

We

had the chills

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for sure.

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plates. We had the hot bowls. We had the soup catties. We had the ice cream machine, sans ice cream you pour on the top. We had this -- Sure.

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the the equipment. I think,

as long as next brainstorming session, every brainstorming session we have as a company, somebody has a heart out. And And we usually just end it at the heart out. So we're never fully realizing the business idea.

Well, we figure broad strokes. We got the broad strokes.

It's it's hard because we're all so busy and I honestly I read in a book that you have to set a heart out for every meeting. So, you know,

well, it's a power course.

And you wrote that book. Right?

That's right.

That's a leadership book. It's on sale in our gift basket. Or a gift shop. Please

come into the hot air gift basket. Oh, chop.

Shop. Mobile shop. It's a new mobile shop.

And it's got Of

course, stock will rotate. It's it's each obviously can't fit a lot in there for

every day.

It's new.

So far, it's far down. It's rotating downwards, our stock.

Yes. And the balloon is cellophane just like a gift basket. It is looks like a big gift basket, but there's a torch in there that I put in there, and it it gets up high. And there's a a bunch of tourists that go down hard up against a power line and that goes viral every week. It's pretty awesome.

We had a yeah. We went double viral because we had a proposal in the gift basket and in electrocution. So

and some would even say a divorce if you're talking about technical.

Yes. Yes. Some would say,

is it?

I'll say I've I've always said this. Death is the most permanent divorce.

That's right.

And when the that when that man died of electrocution, His wife said, thank god. I was gonna get a divorce anyway, but god or, you know, who

never When you die, you're you're married to god or the devil. Wherever you go, you you're you're that your first step in is they put you on the altar with God or the bus guy downtown. And Oh,

well, after you renounce your earthly religion,

you resign?

First step is renunciation.

No. Well, yes. A lot of people don't know that the devil is a buff man who lives in downtown Disney.

Oh, yeah. The devil loves gumbo and and

nothing to gumbo.

No. No. Seeing a led Zeppelin cover band at the House of Blues. He loves it.

It's I I always see the devil buying looking and deciding if he wants Sunooks and then going, like, am I ever really gonna wear these?

Wait. What are Sunooks?

Sunooks are, like, they're beachy. They're sandals, but they also have little, like, thin shoes that they're like,

expensive sandals. Yes.

Oh, yeah. No.

Which is that

like, these divas are nothing for me.

The devil the devil's the one that prices him.

Right. And this brings me to Jesus who was actually just a sandal maker, like a sketchy sandal maker. That's right. And that's what that he was.

The him and the devil got into a fight because he made he made the devil thong. Than the devil wanted more of a team of situation and he didn't wanna pay.

Well, and we really gotta hear what drop cloth is saying. That's all he was. He was not the son of a guy. He was just a sandal maker. And there was a confusion. There was a confusion about this long haired sandal maker, and they're like, you a carpenter. And he was like, I think that's what it is. No. Why? He's

he wasn't shit. Like, it's people don't know. Like, he was not the son of god. He was They

crucified him for an uncomfortable thong. That's what they just put them up there for is all of their big toe to the second toes were feeling grungy.

Yeah. They came up and they said they came up and they said they each person hammered the nail into his crossed feet and said, you did my grungie. That's the story.

A lot of people don't know the story of Grungie, which we actually are also selling in the gift shop, which is in a sort

of the new book of

the bible, the book of

and then there's Yeah. Well, gung ho is the third book.

It's the

third book.

Bible. We were talking about the new the new new testament at one point. Right? Was it?

That's right. The New New Testament, of course, and now the new Bible with the book of Grungie in there, and it's all all the books are, you know, they're all by Sandle Ware, so there's all to the book of g Love, the book of Jack Johnson.

Yeah. Special sauce.

Well, Jesus turned the special sauce into wine and that's another crucifixion.

But again, this is just another great selling point for subtle shores because folks

--

yeah.

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it has been a long road, I'll be honest. To get open. Yeah. But we are open and we are flying. We are moving forward, and things are succeeding here. And we can't We couldn't be more ready for you to come down and enjoy

that's right. You come down here and see all of us. Hang out with us. Of course, if you're coming in on this episode, I am Dwayne Gruen and Neumann. The resident singer of subtle shores, I do my two man show with the the giant. The the non jolly green giant. You can come see me sing and hello to all my new fans who are sending me some very interesting pictures. I'll get back to all of it when I can.

Duane, everybody's seen the jinx I don't wanna do any spoilers, but Beverly was written similar on the the note and a letter that Robert Ders wrote. Dwayne has been receiving women's nudes, and we did, of course, we sat him down and we compared his handwriting. To all of the writing on the letters that were being sent to him, and they heavily resemble each other, and he's

starting birthday. Be clear, these are headless photos. They're neck

down. So we're

not really sure who's in the photos.

Yes. Okay. There's some theories here. There's some theories here.

He's perfect. Look at him. He's go he's gotta go to the bathroom.

I mean, use the restroom real quick. Unrelated. I'll just be right back.

Out of my pocket there. Looks like a a true streak

of bikini. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.

He took his bathroom. He took his took his mic into the bathroom. Hold on.

Alright. Gotcha, red. Handed, Dwayne. Sent all the nudes of your own body and pretended they're Yeah. Other women.

I don't think he's burping. I think he's pukes already.

Oh my god.

He's worse than dirt. Oh, my word.

Where's that nervous pukes?

I washed my hands in the toilet, not the sink. What am I doing? You're so nervous.

I remember he was discovered having diarrhea for the first time. That's how he was discovered. I wonder if that'll happen. We may

hear croon his admission.

Sent a bunch. Of your own nudes to yourself. And start spreading the nudes. Is what I should've done. I kept them all together and I caught a cut.

We hear you. Yeah. You're so loud in there.

He doesn't even need his mic. I can

hear you through the vent. Dwayne, you're screaming. I'm caught. I'm caught. Come out. It's okay. Alright.

Sorry about that. Somebody stop me.

Coming out of the bathroom pretty relieved there, Dwayne.

What Dwayne? Listen? You don't have to just because people threw their bras at the Beatles and the who doesn't mean that they have you have to have adoring, naked, female fans.

I mean, a lot of women in the parts of my show where I leave the stage, a lot of women all around the audience are flashing I don't know if you noticed that. But every, like, five minutes when I take my offstage break, women in the audience start to flare me.

I'll just tell you this. You come back on stage a, winded.

And b, like, exactly like missus doubtfire, on occasion.

Oh, no.

We've all seen the missus doubtfire hour where you realize that you've come back on stage and immediately ad lib the rest of the show.

Yep. Why do you change into her? I'm a little confused.

Well, I don't change into anyone. It's nice to know that I have fans of all ages and body types and let's say in theory the only makeup person I could find is one that does eighty enough drag. Maybe that is a a possible issue but I love all my fans, young or old who flash me during my breaks. I would love some of you out there to flash me while I'm on stage. But for now

what? Do I why?

Yes. That was my first crew of the day.

You didn't do it. And we didn't hear it at all when you went into the bathroom, Dwayne.

Why would you?

Why didn't you just cut out get nude photos from the internet instead of dress up like an eighty year old woman and take selfie nudes.

Because I got a wireless printer and I cannot figure it out. I can't figure it out. Alright. I was I think I've said seven hundred nudes to a kink goes down the street, thinking it was my own printer. I'm on somebody else's WiFi because somebody stole my WiFi. And

nobody stole your WiFi.

You stole my WiFi.

You lie you lied your

little paper with the password on Nobody stole the WiFi.

I saw a nude of you print out at a at the Greek restaurant up the street.

Yeah. They're fax machine. Right?

And it's it's span of hope in

oh my god. They're calling me a

hoe over there.

That's

crazy. That's crazy. That's crazy because I actually saw I saw that I saw that same picture. Somebody took a picture of that and posted it on the the bulletin board at the laundromat -- Uh-uh.

--

and with a was circle with a line through it, and it says, spin and open it.

Oh my god. So does that mean that someone's mad about it or that I'm not allowed in there, or you're not allowed to do that?

To the Greek restaurant.

That's a

good question.

Did you because it pointed out. It printed out span a hope at a so I'm assuming you did it at home or did they write that on?

Who are you accusing of this? Me or Scott Skip.

You. It

certainly wasn't me. It's got

a tip.

Oh, so you think that I think that any press is good press and I'm putting around, span a nopita posters to myself? As it's an attractive naked eighty five year old Greek Greek Greek Greek woman?

You were called the Greek at one point.

Oh, yes. It's Greek.

Yes. This was around the time of big fat Greek wedding when I was spraying people. I was spraying people all over town with those little water bottles. They do that in the movie. Right?

Oh, yes. Yes.

Yes. But look, this isn't about my success with women and photos and real photos of the

women. Well, you heard a little bit of you heard a little bit of his name. Scott Skip. Go ahead and introduce yourselves. Scott Skip?

Of course, I am Scott skip Powell, the the sort of, you know, concierge to all of our guests in sort of back of house.

And to the stars, which we can officially say now.

That is that is that is true. I am in the finals of a a contest to be on the first spaceship, being shot from our resort. We opened up a a sort of SpaceX launch patch.

Yes. New. Yes. It's just huge for us. They did basically, SpaceX, you you have to have a good trajectory to get sling of the earth's gravitational pull. You know, they normally do it out of a the West Coast of Florida. It was perfect for us.

And they also is not gonna cut it for this this rocket, they said. And they we had some surveyors come this week, and they decided that Suntle shores is the perfect place to launch their first They're calling it experimental, but I it seems pretty pretty sort of locked in because they're not gonna shoot a rocket that they haven't shopped before. And they do need sort of people to populate it. So I, of course, volunteered myself because I feel like that speaking of no publicity's bad publicity, I feel like that's the kind of publicity that's gonna put subtle shores on the map. The the one of the owners shot himself into space.

And, Skip, are you still gonna do our plan? You're still gonna take a flag up there and try to plant it on the moon?

Ab absolutely if this I don't know if this spaceship is planning on going to the moon, but I do plan on talking to the pilot Seeing if we can sort of

and you're gonna take a flag with our famous potato skins on it. Right?

Yeah. Oh, God, Arcy folks.

I don't know if we've talked to you about our potato skins yet. If you want some potato skins, they're like the ones you've had, but they're really good.

Yeah. They've got a

couple of unsettled shores.

You know how a potato skin basically has somehow no potato meat in it anymore? Well, iris have almost zero potato meat. It's mostly skin.

I mean Yeah. And I think that's what that's what they're advertised as. So if you expect potato meat on a potato skin,

fuck off.

I don't care. We have

that's not how

it works.

Then we have potato fluff. You can order one or both, but they are not each other.

No. Absolutely not. Don't get it mixed up. You could you gotta pay full price for each of them. And you got it you're gonna enjoy it yourself. I I I think that If you don't, you you don't understand the potato, it was never meant to be in together. It's the same as carrot skins, cucumber skins, human skins.

It's the same as Sharon skins and cucumber skins. You wanna eat them separate.

Absolutely. You don't eat them together.

And we've got you know the hardest part of the bacon? That's, like, really tough. We that's our bacon bits, and they're in the skits.

That's right. Come and get our salad, especially get your braces out or have a loose tooth you're trying to get rid of. Our salad with the bacon bits is going to knock your teeth out. Scott Skip.

Yeah.

Here is what I've always wondered.

Okay.

In space, are you scared at all about you know, getting lost forever like the movie Gravity or killed by aliens like the movie independence day.

This feels like a good tee up for me to address a few of the critiques I've heard about about me. People are saying, You don't seem scared at all to go to space. It seems like it'd be a huge decision that you'd have to sit with for a while. It seems like you jumped at the chance. And I just wanna say to all the haters out there, I am not going to space to get away from my son and my wife. That is not what this is about. It's a quick trip. It's a quick trip. I'm not Possibly return? Yeah. Well, they say that the the goal of the rocket is to go into space and then land safely. And this is not this isn't some sort of elaborate plan to sort of lose myself in in space and and not have to deal with my relationship with my wife and my son.

Well, it's a fantastic redemption story because they got the crack crew from the Columbia. And they're back and they're saying, hey, we're gonna do it right this time. And -- Yeah. -- that you guys are gonna get all extra hurt.

They

didn't get they didn't get everybody from Columbia, but they got the ground crew.

They got the grand crew from the Columbia, of course. And

--

yeah. -- you you know, they're forty years older. They're wiser. Their visions a little worse. They're a little slower on the uptick, a lot of them took to drink because of what happened. But They're

not really great on computers. They're more of a pen and

paper true.

Which I approve of, by the way, absolutely.

I

don't use machinery.

And in fact, we we should tell that to everybody. We don't use machines down here at Settle Shores. We're a pen and paper. Sales

play. That's right. That's right.

Do you worry about having Stripe or Square or, you know, Venmo, which I don't even know. If you bring a pen and a paper, you can buy anything you need down here at Settle Shores.

And and Scott Skip, is it true that they've got the fuselage from Apollo thirteen? That that is true. They they had the super machine and everything.

It's our third trip lost.

Yes. Yes.

Long trimming.

And I'll tell you this I'll tell

you And you also lost your wedding ring in the in the shower drain.

I did. I did, and it's the saddest thing that's ever happened to me. But I look at every movie about a space disaster. What happens by the end? A kid The kid looks at his dad and is like and the the idea that he may never see his dad ever again solidifies that child's love for his father. Okay? Those movies are never about avoidant men who learn like, learn the value of life by going into space and coming back. They're about men who are confident and and in in solid relationships with their family and about and love their family. And they come back and they're heroes. Okay.

Well,

in space, nobody can hear you scream at your son. So that's nice. Yeah. I would

love to go to space.

We're getting a lot of noise complaints obviously from your room. A lot or from your honestly you're at the three floor surrounding you a lot of like, oh you can't leave nails sitting face up on the crowd.

Yeah. Yeah. I'll and I'll own it. You know, this is part of this this redemption story for me. I'll own it. I have a I have a strained relationship with my son, and I let my anger get to me sometimes. When he when he does what he calls pranks and I call aggravated assault.

Right.

Well, he's taking those same nails and shot you with them from a sling shot.

Yeah. Yeah. He has he has and I put up with But I'm gonna tell you this, guys. The second I go up in this rocket, and I come back down and I land, I'm gonna step off of this rocket, and I'm gonna walk up to my son, and he's gonna give me a huge hug.

Touch down, please. We're running into fun.

Oh, it's just kinda scoring your story there, Scott. It's giving it a little emotion.

Yeah. I mean, this also, imagine imagine what this is gonna look like on on my reality.

You. Dwayne?

I know. I'm sorry, Skye. I gotta stop you there. Dwayne, Dwayne.

Dwayne stuck in falsetto. Dwayne stuck Foceto.

It's a choice. I hope there are. No. Key changes.

Okay. Sorry, Scott. That was just so rare. We only usually hear Dwayne just using that beautiful deep croon in

his voice. Deep croon. Yeah. No. You gotta stop and and appreciate a falsetto.

You obviously saw me freak out in the crowd when I didn't know, I tried to do my cover of love on top and I didn't realize there were so many key changes and I started pretty high.

That's right. Yeah.

You you were steaming at one point. You you had gone up so high in your

well, just Just out of my ears nose and mouth.

Well, folks, I mean, You wanna be here. You wanna come down to last resort, and we are selling tickets to the launch. The rocket launch with Skip as is has this been cleared? Are you the captain?

I am the captain now. Yeah. The original captain. It turns out when they hired Check

your captain.

When they hired the captain, they didn't realize that they had actually hired the captain from the Challenger. Who, of course, obviously

the challenger. That's what I meant before. I said Columbia. Right? I might turn

out challenge.

Oh, no.

But the the Columbia also -- Oh.

--

makes sense as well.

Let's see. We got the guys who are available. Yeah. And and and So

you got all this definitely better

to hire based.

So you think you would chew our free time in the

you were trying to get all those Russian dudes who were at chernobyl. Right?

Yeah. Well, we did get a couple of them.

Oh, you gotta look at your Noble, guys.

Yeah. They they obviously don't come out publicly at all. But they they are involved. Yeah. They're involved in the PR. We know you got Trankel's PR people.

See fish. Fish. Absolutely. Like translucent. I actually saw one of them, and I was like, damn, I didn't know I went to the bodies exhibit, but it was a man sitting behind a computer.

Yeah. He's typing way. Now and, Scott, I I don't know if I've told you to your face as your brother. I'm really proud of you. And I'm really proud that you're gonna go to space. If I'm being honest, I have to be a little bummed, you know, that I didn't get chosen. Of course, as the local captain around here, I figured it's, you know, it's obvious. I'm done.

I'll say this though, Sydney, we've I think I feel like people over the last couple weeks have realized that we really need you around here. You know? Like, you that I think is is no. But it's Well,

i will say

nASA doesn't want me to fly a jet. I don't care.

I will say Sydney tried to get on the ship, but you really had a tough time in the the gravity, the the g simulating.

Time in the in yeah. Once I hit eighteen g's, I got pretty mean. I got pretty mean to the procs.

Which was way too many. I think the Max you hit

you should have been mean. You should have been

well, I was so mean that, you know, some Some choice words came out and then he spun me harder because it got personal. And yeah. I blew

it. He started making fun of the guys family who was controlling the media.

His hair is closed. Anything I could get my eyes on is I whiz past. I don't know why his whole family was there watching. Don't know who he was trying to impress of how fast he could make the machine go or what, but yeah. Does that will. Going to space. I'll be down here with the boats.

I mean, the fat in your neck still hasn't come back to the front of it. I mean, you are

it could be a

wild thing. Like your melt up against the wall behind you.

I know. Well, luckily, Duane has a guy. I've been using him and Elon's clothespin guy to sort of got rules. Maybe look a little bit You look normal.

You look great. Just don't turn around and you look great. And obviously, if the simulator hadn't been an issue, you know, the drug test I'm told that the the cup you peed in is in rehab now.

Well, that's right. They said I I didn't pass with flying colors. They said I I've checked every box on the drug, done it thing, and, you know, it was Sunday. So I

thought that was Yeah.

You thought you were playing never have I ever.

But you pass You passed the He done it?

I passed the He done it.

Oh, good.

And he done them all. I was I was, yeah, negative for Negative for not having a

a lack of because there was actually yeah. There was no p. There was nobody.

It was all solid drugs. That's what they said. They said it was all solids. They said it came out. There was a lot of capsules, open capsules, things like that. In the p p. And yeah. Now the now the There was ten years in rehab. He's walking, talking, and he's high as hell. Hey. I still could fly a spaceship. I've driven boats. I think so. I've driven boats. What's the difference?

And a lot of them

goes up. One the other goes across.

And but don't worry, Sydney. I mean, I you didn't make it onto the first team, but but, obviously, you know,

with space. Thank you, twelve.

I was just gonna say I just wanna say that you never know what can happen in a week. Space space stuff is, like, is is tough. You never know what could happen in a week. I don't think I'm gonna have to tap out for any other reason, but there's a lot of other people on the plane that are gonna have to that are gonna have to make sure that they can make it there. And if something happens, who knows, all four of us could end up on that shuttle.

Who And

all those Sydney Just it is a plane. It is a it is a plane. It is Les of Iraq, and then I I'm a little worried about it. Well, that's what

i figured. I don't know that I could fly the rocket. I'm not saying I could steer the rocket. But once the plane detaches from the rocket, That's me, and at least as a plane with a rocket on it. Right? Not just a seven forty seven going off a steep ramp?

No. It's a new it's a new a new thing. I think.

I think. It's seven forty seven goes off the ramp, and then you have to jump from the seven forty seven to the rocket.

Yes.

Oh.

That's gonna be a joke.

That explains

yeah. That explains it. Oh, sorry. Go ahead, Skip. Go ahead.

I'm

just gonna say that explains the the sort of physical as I had to participate in to to be cleared to do it. I did actually

you're gonna wear a big white, kind of, elvis suit, and a helmet and a cape. Right? It's very It

has a little bit of red and blue sort of embellishment to it.

Would not

be good enough for that.

Yeah. But no. Wait. It's gonna be good, and it'll be good for our family even if it's not good for both of us, Sydney. Don't worry about But yeah. Well, yeah,

one of us might die, but what but the other person in the family will definitely have notoriety.

Neither of you can die here. Alright because this is huge I mean we're treating it like it's just a thing that happened the past week but we got a rocket launch from subtle shores we're gonna be on the map. A lot

of people are coming here

to see the launch. Yeah. You know, a lot we we're almost fully booked up and we are, but we're we're doing this cool thing where we don't wanna turn people away. So you may share a room with someone when you get your Yeah. We're not sure of that.

And there's room as well.

And, Joey, you've been working on, quote unquote, infrastructure for the event. Right?

Like Yes. Hello, everybody. A formerly dro ey job cloth, ung. And no, I wasn't. Selling cracker jacks at a baseball game while I had strep throat throat, this is just my voice. Yes. I have been working on adding some little risers to the back of the rooms so everybody can see out the windows, So what once you get your room, there may be some other people in the room.

Well, and, of course, drop cloth, you and I have been working on the launch pad. Which fortunately, unfortunately, depending on how you look at it, we've had to cover the pool that's in the middle of the half circle that makes up the hotel. So the rocket is gonna be launching straight out of the middle of

--

yeah. -- of

of the resort.

And a lot of physicists yeah. The physicists who saw that said you might you might wanna add some separation.

They said it's a little bit

you might be a redneck

at the hell out of here. Yeah.

Well, we wrote you might wanna add some separation into a a very this com it's a rising comedy routine in the area.

You might wanna add separation. That's right. But I'm excited we're using the pool. Hopefully, that rocket launch will provide enough force that we can get Shimmers' corpse out of the pool. Because we just have not found a long enough stick

--

yes. -- or a wide enough the the thing that goes on to the old net.

Oh, yeah.

We've been thinking about Go one or the other bravo.

You just

can't figure out a way to get to them.

Yeah. We've No.

It's We got

close, but we haven't gotten there yet.

I mean, who wants to wait into that at this point? Like, no.

I tried to jet ski. I tried to put a jet ski in on the short step and then take a ski to him, but I accidentally I mean, once you get on jet ski, what are you gonna do? Crank it halfway? I cranked that bitch up to ten and ended up in the spa. And then I forgot what I was doing. So shrimp baby's still in there.

And, obviously, you worked so hard. You knocked off Matt Leblanc's head. So his now Maloblock's head is in the spa, and we're trying to fish that up. He is there a warning swim.

The Scruit troop has been like bubbling saying, oh, we hear that the cast of friends is slowly passing away -- Cruisers.

--

after that there was some of the most beloved actors of our time. Are you killing them there? Is it on purpose? What's going on?

And throw them in my

friends with his jets. Ski, killing my friends with his gun.

Dwayne, and to sort of as an in memoriam, right, for a assuming that another cast member is going to die, you're going to be doing smelly cat this week.

I'm doing smelly cat, a pre rest rest in pre for Lisa Kudrow. But, yeah, I'll be doing smelly cat all night.

And we can't wait for Kudrow to get down here. She'll be here next Well, yes.

I am

--

yeah. -- I am worried about Crudrot. Yep. Yes. Well, as you guys know, my name was formerly Drowey Jap cloth on. It's now cup holder, Tony jog.

And that's an anagram of your last name of your full name?

No. Look it up. All the letters work. It's a cup holder to Cup holder, Tony Jobs, as as you know, you can you can only use the letters you've given and

that's right.

Joey drop golf young. So it's not a Tony joke.

It's too bad you couldn't find one that is cup dropper turny trot because that's definitely more you.

Well yeah, I can't hold on to a damn full mix drink to save my life. I'm dropping them. They're hitting directly on the bottom, and they're shooting right up in my face. You guys are seeing it at every party.

Obviously oh, yeah. By the way, Pizzo Mohado. The floors are wet here, my friends. We're we're we don't keep towels by the pool, and there's a lot of drops. So Yes.

No towels by the pool.

Yes. We've sold all the towels and gotten those little cones that say piso machado on them.

We sold the towels for wet floor, science.

You know what? Speaking of Luciano, God, I shouldn't do this during the record, but I kind of got to go take one. Well,

i was gonna say I know we talked about hard outs earlier, and I don't think I mentioned this to you guys before, but I actually do have a hard out. I I I have to go to an orientation for the rocket launch right now. So

--

mhmm. -- I don't think I can actually do the second half.

Brown control to scotty skip.

Well, I actually really need to finish installing those risers in the rooms. So I don't know if I can make it either. I

well, as you know, as I did, as it says in chapter five of three hundred and sixty two habits of highly successful crooners. I also have a hard out. I am meeting with Susan Saran wrap.

Yeah. Susan Seran wrap.

There was some Saran wrap over there on the counter.

And I'm obviously being sued currently. My lawyer is here.

Isn't that and I do. I've heard your lawyer say that whenever a lawsuit gets filed, he says, well, Susan

yeah. Well, Susan,

are you being sued by Saren? Rip.

Oh, yeah. By the way, folks.

Super spray.

Hey. If you need to cover your goods, you gotta get Dwayne Dwayne Dwayne Rapp.

Damn, there's like an Oomla over it. Right?

Yes. There's an Oomla But it's the omelet defense.

You've heard it in court before, and it's been

well, I don't know what you're I don't think anybody appreciated you bringing that oompa loompa in.

I know his family didn't. So, yeah, but, alright. So, Susan, so, like, we got some work to do. We've also got get everything ready for the launch next week. I don't can we I I can't really finish the episode today. Should we just do a shorty? Watching shorty?

No. We can't do

a shorty. We can't

do that. What about all that new stuff we're doing on on Settle Shores TV?

Oh, yeah.

We could play the teaser the the teaser real for Settle TV. Yeah. We got that's we made a long sizzle reel for subtle TV.

I don't know if

we talked about that.

It's Oh, yeah. And it plays in the in the trunks of cabs.

Yeah. Oh, you mean our simmer real?

Yeah. It's a simmer.

Because it's low and slow.

Yeah. The longer you watch -- It's not like

--

the more flavor.

Never really takes off. It's more of a low and slow preview of what we have in our late night category of of stuff.

Yes. I guess,

y'all, you just tap it on.

Keep it away for free.

So this is something

you can only see on channel fourteen hundred or in truck of a cab, but we're gonna put it in at the end of this episode for you. So congratulations.

Yeah. So tune in next time, folks. For for that. For us our preparations for the launch, we'll have way more information for anybody who wants to come. And witness the the launch next week. So make sure you tune in if you're looking to participate in the launch. But I I guess I can't. I guess we'll just we'll just throw the subtle short, simmer real on here, and then and and call it a day then.

Yeah. Oh,

alright. It's more nudes.

Okay. Well, I

guess She's

got a fat butt.

Until until we talk to y'all again.

Hello, this is James Gordon, and I'm welcoming you to a simmer reel for Settle TV. I got paid five hundred dollars through cameo to say this, I don't know if it's your birthday or what I'm saying exactly, but Hello and enjoy.

You're watching subtle TV. Welcome back to another episode of Bobby, the barnacle crab.

Who what is this? What is this what am I wearing these on my feet?

It's me, fucker.

Well, yeah.

Is anybody gonna do anything about this guy?

Yeah. He he lives on the floor. I do your feet by being the barnacle crab.

Hi. Knock knock knock knock knock. Who's there? Hi.

Wait. Hi. You too.

This is a duplex.

Wait a second. Are you knocking on all of our doors at once? You rat bastard. Or, excuse me, you crab bastard. Hey, you, bitch.

Don't you dare come up to our fucking joint doors and knock on it. You fucking Mother fucker. The world church. Rural with me,

guess I'll walk over to this home. I'm looking to outgrow my tiny shell. Boom.

Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Who is it?

Hi. My name is Bobby

the barnacle crab. I'm a bit of a fucker but I think if I could outgrow my shell, I'd be a little more comfortable.

Well, there's no room in this shell. You bitch. I'm a bigger crab and I can't share my space.

Hey, who's at the door, honey?

Oh, you shut up too. It's some little Bobby Barnacle crap.

I'll fucking kill you. You know, there's

--

you know, there's -- -- you wanted motherfucker.

--

for the two of us in this shell.

I'm gonna boil you up, dip you in butter, and serve you to some fat loser, red lobster.

Against our own kind, you would do that. That's the one thing you could never do to another crab.

I caught our friend. I gave him a shrimp with a hook in it, and he got reeled up to his death. I'm a motherfucker.

I think this house has too small for me, so I'm gonna keep moving right along.

Welcome back to subtle shores, the home of Who barted in here. The first elevator game show where the host rides and farts in an elevator with unsuspecting guests all day long.

Damn. What was that? Yuck.

I don't know. What was that folks? Robert, to my left, Bob, to my right? Who farted in here?

What? Wait. How did you know our names?

Oh, my God. Is Is this who farted?

Is this who farted in here? Oh my god. Are we on the show?

Holy shit. The ceilings lighted up. The ceilings lighted up. Okay. We're on the who's farted in here.

Let's do this. Let's answer some questions.

Honey, honey. We got this. Okay, Bob. Bob, we're gonna I mean, that's my name. This is

you're both Bobs.

You're Bob and Robert.

Bobs. Okay. Was it you? Was it him?

I think it was him. I think it was this guy

who seems like a host of the show.

It was not me.

Was it me? Was it me?

Bob, was

it you? Price me.

You said you were gonna stop.

Honey said you were gonna stop. I can't stop farting.

Honey, this is bullshit. This is really honestly bullshit. We can't Are you really mad

at me because I can't stop farting.

We said this was gonna be a fart free vacation because this has been such a huge problem.

Well, you knew that was unrealistic expectation. I fart all the time.

Welcome back to subtle TV. You're watching relationship therapy. Where couples come in and we film their therapy sessions but we changed their names and some of the specifics when we asked them to so that nobody could know who they are. They also have to wear costumes.

Yeah. Yeah. I guess I'm just having a hard time with my wife. Pepper.

My name's pepper.

Uh-huh.

And I'm from New Orleans.

My name is Scorpion, and I'm also from New Orleans, and we're a couple.

We're a couple. We've been a couple for a hundred years.

Yeah. One hundred years. Yeah. Yeah. And we are upset. I think I'll speak for both of us here. Because of a verbal communication issue. Isn't that right, pepper?

Yes. That well,

i, of course, am your therapist doctor Booth, known

you had to change your name too.

I did. I did. And I'm not I'm not a sex therapist. I am a pecs therapist.

Okay. Is that a that's a pipe like a for water?

Yes. It's a pipe for water.

Okay. And well, my name's Pepper. This is Scorpion. We're from New Orleans, and we've been a couple for a hundred years.

And we're mad about our verbal communication. I guess my thing is when I speak, I feel like she doesn't listen because I talk exactly how I like things cooked and they never turn out that way. What?

Well and I tell him I'm like, listen. I have to go to work as a tank boss, and I can't I, of course thing to perfection.

And I, of course At

this point in the

show, the producers

let The the cast know that everything doesn't have to be made up. So some of the things have to be true. So that we could get to the bottom of their real problems, and also that they don't need to wear such big costume. We'll see if they took the note.

Howdy partner. My name is Pepper. This is my husband's scorpion. And we have been a couple for a hundred and fifty years.

That's right, partner. We're both here because we're upset about the size of the doughnut from yesterday.

Yes. And also Infidelity. Infidelity. I cheated. I cheated with a hamburger.

Welcome back to subtle shores. After dark, the only show that plays from three to five AM on the highest channel on the station.

All right, it's me, Dr. Thunder in the studio and I'm taking off whatever item we close. We get a phone call from our crowd that asks you to take off. I've worn extra clothes tonight. To keep it -- Hey.

--

for a sex.

Doctor Thunder, the lines are the opposite of lighting up.

Okay. I'm getting word from him in the booth that something is wrong probably with our phone or our connection is my guess. I guess while we wait, I will take off my astronauts' helmet. Lord.

Hey, doctor Thunder, the police are

at the door?

Let teachers.

Ring. Bring. Ring. I wonder what the cops want me to take off. Probably oh, we've got we're getting a phone call. Hi. You're on the sexiest phone that exists from three to five AM with doctors. And what did you want them to tick along?

Are you guys still delivering hot wings?

Yeah. I can see. Yes.

You are? Okay. I'll take a twenty four count highway. I'll take a medium pepperoni blanket.

Large

pepperoni sausage and bacon.

Large pepperoni sausage and bacon.

I'll also take do you guys do strong bullies or calzones?

Yes.

You do? You do? Okay. I'll do

that's what you're We're this. We're doing with Calzone. Got it.

Yeah. Hey. And then

ned, we gotta mic you up if you're gonna be talking back there.

Did you

ever say? Nah, my voice can

matt, put a mic on, man.

Oh, come on. I can't cook it, Mike, machines.

You're watching subtle TV. Welcome back to Firehouse Kitchen. The only Kitchen competition show that takes place in an active Firehouse.

Well, so I got into cooking because there's so much downtime at the firehouse. And I had noticed that a lot of times when there are fires, it's I I go to the house and I see that the food has been burnt to a crisp. I said, I could cook better than that. So today, I made a flambei.

Oh, that's interesting.

A little watery for me, but I really like the flavors that you've got here. Oh, shit. It's a fire.

Oh my god. It's a fire.

We've got it all done. Fuck. Oh, wait. The fire has a on fire? No.

No. Fuck. Fuck. Shit. Shit. Let's go up the Dang? Yeah. Climb up the pole. Calm up the pole.

Why are we

all screwed up?

I'm burning. I'm burning up. Oh.

My flatbed.

Welcome back to subtle TV. The only place where you can watch anything all the time.

Rats, Look at all these rats running around. That's one of the things you can watch. We've got rat cams. Look at all

those rest. Sometimes you don't feel like just a show. Well, here on subtle TV, we've got cams all over the place. We've got the rat cam. We've got the foot cam.

Honey, did you see it camera on the ceiling of the room. Oh, yeah. Just filming my feet.

People are watching you all the time because you have such awesome feature. Sure.

Because we've Honey,

i'm not saying my feet are awesome. I'm just saying, like, there's a camera on the on the ceiling.

Men on the foot. God, I've You see, it's gray.

It's it's zooming in. And I think there's a French man Out in the hall directing.

Oh, okay. My feet are so sexy that a French artist is making some sort of show camera on the woman.

Honey, look. Honey, there's a camera on you. Resting on you.

Cut to the camera on the woman. God damn it.

So now I know He's shooting me from afar now.

I'm being gaslit in front of my own Wife. By my own wife, though.

I've had it with you.

You said that gun was -- Cameron wife. -- protection. Please. That gun was her face.

I had had it with you for so long. I'm killing you.

You explicitly sent a wall that was for protection only and you would never kill me with.

Okay. Camera on the wife.

No. No. It to kill you with.

Stay on the wife.

I do. Look, they're filming you. They're filming your murder. Me murdering you.

I'm not worried about the man. Film of the wife.

Welcome back to Settle TV. Our favorite show by far. Root, we really love this one, folks. The Walmart gun counter, where you can see all of the purchases of the day.

Hey. I'm looking for something big, high caliber, fast rounds. I just don't have a permit. Is that gonna be a problem? No. Wow. Thank you so much.

Hell, no.

Appreciate it.

And this is on sale

half off

half off.

Fuck it. Take that shit, my man.

Hey. Thanks, Walmart. This is fucking sick.

No problem. Walk out right out the door fired in the fucking air. Hell, yeah. Walmart wins again.

Hi. I'm looking for something to go hunting with my son.

What you wanna hunt for? Use it in the street.

How about a new mom?

Oh, that's interesting. That was my son has this funny joke, he says, where he says, whenever I say I wanna do something with him or I wanna go hunting, he finds a way to make it about how he hates my new wife.

Suttle shores. Welcome back to how about a new mom, where we capitalize on the often unhappy divorce that happens while at the resort and turn it into a game show about a child finding a new mom. We have our first contestant's Randy with his dad James, Randy and James, how we doing?

I'm doing pretty good. I'm excited to maybe get a new mom.

And I am not doing super well. Okay. Biggs have been pretty tough the past few weeks. I wasn't expecting full custody, but here we are. And let's let's see how things go. I I I'm excited to see Who got together here? I I answered all of the pre show questions and I think my answers are gonna work.

Okay, so we have Father James upset about how time he gets to spend with his son, let's meet the ladies.

Stoverwhelmed. Let's meet the

ladies who may want him as a mate. Of course, we have the first one behind sheet number one. Hi.

My name is Derinda Powell. I am the current wife of

--

pull the sheet. -- the

owners of

somebody needs to pull the sheet. The sheet's not down. Someone pulled the sheet.

She she will be down in a second. Durindo, are you saying?

Jella to keep talking. Good.

I I I am in a unhappy relationship, and I am I'm I'm looking to sort of have a backup option.

Someone pulled the sheet.

Okay. Thank you, Derinda. Thank you for being our customer number one. Let's see who's buying sheet number two.

Sheep fell on her. Sheep fell on her.

Speak up there. I think your your mic might be muffled by the sheet. Speak up there.

Hey, I'm so I'm a little torn off right now because I'm on the ground and there's a scene on me. And the guy keeps trying to rip it off, but it seems like it's just getting tighter and tighter around me.

Okay. Thank you so much. Secretive lady number two. Now woman number three, what's in the box?

You're watching subtle TV. You're you're watching your favorite show.

That's right. This is your favorite show. The voice over booth. Where we see all the mistakes that you don't get to hear in episode promo.

Yeah. No. That one's pretty good. There was just a little stutter there. So let's go ahead and take that again. Okay? And three, two.

It's your favorite story. It's a

little late.

Sorry. Okay.

Little late. So I'm not gonna say the one, but you imagine it's there and then you come -- Right.

--

okay? Okay. So it's a holiday movie. Okay. Everything was

right, except the timing. Yes. So here we go again on three, two.

It's your favorite story of three Santa Clauses.

On that one. So let's do another one with that exact timing. Okay? That was the exact timing we want for

okay. So that's all you want. Right? It's your favorite story of three Santa Clauses?

We'll do the whole line, but I'm just saying we got the timing now. And you have such a trouble with the timing.

Okay. Okay.

And three, two

it's your favorite story of three Santa Clauses, all stuck in one phone booth. Well, somebody's blowing up the Empire State Building. Will DeSantis get out Will they escape the blast? Will the

hell? Okay. Okay. Cut perfect take, Marjorie. Perfect.

Thank you. Thank you. Foley man. You came in a

little early, Foley man.

You did a little early. So sorry about that. I've never usually Yeah.

I hadn't even mentioned the honking car yet.

That's my bad.

I hadn't even mentioned the honking car.

Marjorie the presence of greatness. I got a little nervous and a little in my head.

We're all

nervous around Marjorie. I think even Marjorie herself is why she keeps coming in we? Just get more Yeah.

I do get nervous around me.

Okay. So three, two,

it's your favorite story of three Santa Clauses, all stuck in a phone booth when the empire

state building

get a large pepperoni.

Is about to

that sounds like a pretty sexy order, my friend. What would you like me to take off while you eat that pepperoni pizza.

I'm sorry. Can we cut oh, oh,

i didn't realize. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Forward, man. Hey, fewer. I'm not gonna learn your name, but you gotta listen.

It's Matt Foley.

You're watching subtle TV, and let's tune in for a little taste of the season finale of America's actual funniest home video.

Okay. I have a flip on this milk, which is not that slippery like oil would be, which would be obvious to slip on. This is actually gonna be a slip on milk. Whoa.

That, of course, was video number one, man actually slips on milk which is in the running for the ten thousand dollar prize. Now, video number two.

Yeah. We all have gotten hit in the testicles. He's seen it a thousand times. No one's ever gotten to baseball hit up their butt. I'm gonna hit a baseball up by This is man. Baseball up his butt and here I go. Take it away, Jose can say, oh,

and there we have it, man man gets baseball hit up his butt by Jose Conseco. Number two in the running for the ten thousand dollar grand prize. And here we have our number three video for the grand prize.

Okay. Listen up here. I'm cooking a regular dinner. Okay? And I put a little bit of beef on the butt of my pants, and I called my dog in the room. It's not an accident because I wanted it to happen right. But here it goes, a dog actually eating my ass.

Of course. Take away, Jose Gonzalez. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. Hilarious, Jose. Good job. Good job, boy.

Oh, and there we have it, man gets his ass eaten by Jose Gonzalezo but thinks it's okay because he calls him a dog. Here we go. And the winner of the ten thousand dollar prize.

Ten thousand. That's a rip.

They call themselves These are actually funnest.

Ten thousand. Come on. That should've that should've made me at least twenty.

Jose, chill out, dude. I can't. It's the roids.

I can't chill.

And of course subtle TV is sponsored by Neugenics. The man boosting testosterone formula featuring with commercials featuring the big hurt Frank Thomas and now Jose can say go himself.

Hey, aren't you the big hurt?

No. I'm Jose in Seiko.

Oh, okay. Well, you look great, Jose. You look like you could almost be in playing shape, not quite.

Yeah well, I had pretty low testosterone so I started putting this powder and everything and let's just say your wife will love it.

Wow. I wish my husband did.

Oh, husband. I'm sorry. I am so sorry.

You're watching subtle TV. Now back to everyone's favorite prank show, phone stank, where we put a little bit of stinky something on a phone until somebody used and it makes that phone staying.

Hello?

Hey, honey. How are Hey. Did you Did you make it in for the night?

Yeah. No. No. I I had a nice time at the bar, but we're What's wrong? God. Stinks in my room. I don't know what's going on. Anyway

--

oh, weird.

--

god. It's this sounds crazy, but did you fart over the phone or something?

Yeah. That does sound crazy. You know what I'm looking for. Are you in for the night?

Like No. Yeah. Yeah. I was at we were just at the cantina, me and the boys, and we hit you threw back a couple of marks, extra salt.

And you're not gonna go back out, like like last time you were on a business trip. I mean, I'm back with you.

Fucking stinks like shit.

We I thought we worked this out.

Yeah. No. I'm I'm in for the night, babe. I swear to God, listen. I'm on the phone with you.

Like, we have to we have to rebuild trust. We have

i'm off the

phone with you.

I know.

You're on the phone

with you.

Okay.

Good. Okay.

So we have to rebuild trust.

Well So

just to be clear, you two are here with you're here in therapy with me and the phone stinky thing is is the thing you're making up or that's the real thing.

Yes. The

phone is the real thing.

Yes. Are you listening to my husband's scorpion? Who is dressed like the hamburglar.

And are you listening to my wife? New name Brockolini who's dressed like the grimace.

I don't think you

do about it ever seen the grimace. Or the hamburglar?

Well, I'm I'm wearing purple stripes. I'm wearing purple stripes with a mask, and she's a big Fat, jailbird.

You got the wires got crossed somewhere. Well, well, I gotta tell me what's wrong. Insert Could you please stop eating my hamburgers? You don't have to get that in the character.

Yeah, grimace. Stop eating his hamburger.

I stolen your hamburgers. That makes me happy.

Okay. Are

you gonna help us out or not?

So I think we talked about last week about rebuilding trust. Right? And so part of that is is showing back coming back home when you say you are going to

sorry. My phone stinks. My phone

stinks. Are we on phones? Stank. Since I found and it stink.

No, you're not, but somebody in here did fart.

Oh, my God. We all have entered fart? Are we on who farted? Are we on are we on elevated fart or who farted in here? Which one is it?

Yeah. Not none of the above. You're on Fortscolator.

Oh, shoot.

Yay. Yay. Oh, shit. Yay, yay.

Great job finding common ground there, just like we worked, Dom. And also, I farted. You're

watching subtle TV and now back to the late night block that only plays from three to five it's DJ thunder.

Alright. Welcome back to you. I I can't be sexy right now because we had somebody who didn't show for work today and we're a little backed up here, but please call and tell me which route you take off. And If you are in the greater Ann Arbor area, please nobody call in and order any more wings and we are back. I would just love to cook these and take a look at clothes off. Hey, it's DJ Thunder. What how to say what do you want me to take off?

I'll take a chicken chow mein, some barbecue pork fried rice, some Chinese other side Chinese food, whatever you can think of.

We don't have any other Chinese.

Oh, come on. We got some other Chinese That's all we could think of back here. We can't we don't know. We

only know two dishes.

We don't have other Chinese.

Hey, buddy. Do you want two of one of the dishes you ordered? Because we can't think of any other Chinese dish. I'd like

to give

you I'll

take two chow mains. I'll take two chow mains and and one fried rice. Yeah. That's it.

It's a

big Ask him how many

thai dishes he can think of.

We might have them. Would you like any Thai dishes and list as many as you can think of it might actually help our kitchen to remember some delicious speaker phone calls.

I'll do if you got chicken pad thai.

I don't

know how to tie.

I'll do that. Whatever are the Thai foods you got. Whatever are the Thai foods you got, I don't think some of that is oil.

Alright. We only got that one. What item of sexy clothing would you like to see? DJ, I think, what's

going on? I guess your chef's hat? I don't know.

Okay. Off goes the ship's hat, and now you

ask him if he wants to pad see you naked.

Do you wanna Say it. Do you want a pad c u me naked?

I don't know. Is that vegetarian?

No. There's a bucket of sausage in there. Nice. Nice from the kitchen crew.

Dan, yeah. Sure. I'll take I'll take a patch see you naked. Yeah. I I'm feeling a little adventurous.

Hey, Ned. It's only three zero two. This is still five AM.

Yeah. I have really backed up

in the kitchen here. Yeah. You just got a fill for about an hour or fifty Alright. Well alright. So you have one Patsy me naked, extra sausage.

Hang on. Patsy me naked.

Okay. No. No. No.

No pets are you naked.

Oh, yeah. We love the orange.

No. No. No. Patsy meat. No. No. Pepsi, you're naked. No. It's me.

Hanging up. Hang up.

No. No. I'm please stay out. Say, oh, it's me.

Hang up.

Wait. You refused to hang up so you want me to hang up. Yeah. You hang up.

Understanding that.

Are you talking to Siri to hang up?

Siri, hang up the call.

I'm not understanding you.

Why not?

You have to try again.

Siri. Hang up.

I don't do that.

Oh, she doesn't do that now. Okay. That's really interesting. What do you do, Siri? Give me a list of options.

I can set an alarm for you. I can give you directions. I can call mom.

No way. Let's Give me directions on how to hang up. Remouting.

Heidi, hello. You haven't called in so long.

Jesus. I don't know you.

How's your

little thing

going? How's your little thing that you're doing going?

Okay, mom. It's not a little thing. Okay? It's it's not a little thing. Okay? I am organizing my dresser.

Suttle shores TV. Come for the resort and stay for the programming. Take us away, James Gordon.

Shoot up and up and up do. I'm British now. I always was British. I can't find my accent. Shuffing up it too. British for me and you.

So chores.