[unintelligible imitation of reversed speech]

[unintelligible] ...pizza... [unintelligible] ...plate

[unintelligible] ...or use the napkin instead.

Does anybody have red pepper? [unintelligible] ...under the bridge.

Shaved parmesan, let me know when enough.

That's enough. ...was there... [unintelligible]

Anyone else shaved parmesan?

Keep going, keep going, keep going.

Bzz-bzz little more.

Just let me know.

Thank you

In actually I'll take some more.

Here's a... my arm is getting tired.

You can just leave it on the table I will do it myself.

Have a nice meal, folks. I'll be right back.

Knock, knock, knock.

Who's there?

UPS.

UPS who?

UPS FedEx.

UPS FedEx who?

UPS FedEx DHL.

UPS, uh, DHL who?

UPS FedEx DHL... Post office.

UPS FedEx DHL post office who?

Just kidding, it's Greg, let me get some parmesan.

Oh, Greg, it's good to see you, Greg.

Say when.

Little more. How you guys been?

We have had a good week. Greg, how are you?

Hey guys, I am the manager, I heard there was a problem over here?

No, everything's good. We thought there was a delivery at your door.

OK just want to—

But it's just our friend Greg.

Just want to make sure everyone is satisfied here at The Olive Garden.

Are you sure you're the manager? I saw you sitting at another table.

Oh, shoot, I forgot, I was just wearing what the managers wear here.

Knock, knock, knock.

Who's there?

1-800-Flowers.

You [unintelligible]...

Don't leave now, you came over here just like the manager.

You're our friend now. 1-800-Flowers who?

1-800-Flowers TeleFlora!

Oh I have heard this one.

You actually ordered this?

I ordered this joke to my table.

I'll have one joke for the lady.

Please don't order for me.

Oh it's a feminist!

Fuck you!

Everybody calm down.

I think I should get back to my table.

Who did you come with today?

I-I feel bad getting caught as the fake manager. I'm not the manager.

Honey, get back to the table. Stop pretending to be the manager.

I'm sorry, Diane, here I come.

I'm beginning to think you dress up like managers on purpose so you can pretend to be them. And I want a divorce.

Wait... wait... wait. Don't divorce me in an Olive Garden.

Hello? Can I get you both some extra parmesan?

We're standing up having a fight!

Read the room, dude!

Ok, I will head back to the kitchen with this bowl of parmesan.

While you're there, you said 'bowl.' Can I get a bolognese?

Would you like that as an appetizer?

This guy ordered a bolognese in the middle of his divorce!

Honey, this is unacceptable. Last time we had a fight you ordered a pizza!

And what happened? It solved our problem.

Knock, knock, knock.

Oh, who's there?

Domino's.

Domino's who?

Domino's Pizza Hut.

Hello folks, I am the real manager here.

You simply stepped away a couple feet, put on a mustache, and came back.

That is because I am the real manager.

Why did you say 'real?'

Ok, ok, I've been caught.

You left your divorce to deal with a problem at the restaurant as the fake manager.

How about that bolognese? I think the bolognese will calm us all down.

Okay, maybe that's true. Guess I'll have some bolognese and see if we can calm down.

Are we all invited to have bolognese? Or is this a issue that you want to deal with individually?

Of course. Here is a fork. Here is a fork. Here is a fork.

Perfect. Forks for bolognese. A bowl of bolognese sauce.

Here is the bolognese.

Wait a second. Is there no pasta in this bolognese?

You only ordered bolognese. You did not specify a pasta.

What kind of freak would only want sauce? What kind of freak would only want sauce?

That is a good question. I just assumed you were going to put the bolognese on the pasta you had.

At this Olive Garden, do you have to order the pasta separately?

Yes. This is a unique Olive Garden.

What's the name of it?

Olive Garden...

Satan!

Olive what?

Satan!

One more time.

Satan!

Oh, I think I've heard of this place.

Can I get a refill on my Coca-Cola?

Oh my God. Look who it is. It's Tom Hanks!

Tom Hanks drinks Coca-Cola in The Olive Garden.

Tom Hanks walked up to me and asked for more Coca-Cola. I'll be to your table soon, Mr Hanks.

Okay, I was just unsure because you haven't been here in 35 minutes, and I wanted to go tackle it all.

I didn't want to seem star-struck and like I was giving you too much attention.

It's more obvious when you ignore me that you love me.

Mr. Hanks, can I ask you a question?

Of course, I am the people's champ.

What, sorry? Go back just a little bit.

I am the people's champ.

Okay, now my question has changed. Did you, did The Rock get his idea of 'The People's Champion' from you, Mr. Tom Hanks?

This is crazy, I get this all the time.

You do?

I get this all the time. He beat me and took my name in a match.

Your name used to be The Rock.

My name was The Rock and I was a wrestler until I got big.

You're saying before you shot the movie, 'Big,' you were a wrestler?

I shot the movie 'Big' and I was going to continue both a movie career and wrestling. But The Rock beat me up and told me, 'Stop wrestling.'

Were you simply just The Rock or were you multiple wrestlers?

I was also Papa Shango, who wears white face paint and does spells.

Were you any others?

Well, yes I was: The Ultimate Warrior.

Hey Tom, stop fraternizing, your tables need to be bussed.

Wow. Tom Hanks works here as well.

It's been a rough stretch since 'Captain Phillips.' And I have to get a job to care for my son, Chet Hanks, who doesn't act.

So if your son doesn't act, he's immediately expensive to take care of.

My son has made me poor by not acting.

Satan...Satan...

Satan...

Satan...

Satan the devil.

I'm so sorry to hear that about your son. Were you any other wrestlers?

Of course I have come down from the rafters as Sting

That was you?

We remember that.

Coming down from the rafters, coming down from the rafters.

Were you nWo Sting or real Sting?

I was luckily there for both iterations.

Lucky you.

Lucky!

When did you pass the mantle of Sting to the real Sting?

Well, uh haha, uh haha.

Sounds like it's going to be a funny story.

I think I am the real Sting. But I passed it to Gregory Schmibbledib to be the new Sting when I got 'Castaway.'

So you were simultaneously acting and being a wrestler.

I was Sting and Tom Hanks for 15 years.

Wow, that is impressive.

And 'Castaway' was such a struggle to prepare for that you decided you could only do one or the other.

That's right. Would anyone like a refill?

Yes. I'll takes some more passion fruit tea.

I'm sorry. I would, I, never mind.

What were you going to say? Were you going to tell us something emotional and you got scared?

It's okay to be vulnerable in front of strangers at The Olive Garden.

The flames of hell burn eternal.

Burn eternal. Burn eternal.

Bernie Sanders-ternal.

Bernie Sanders-ternal.

Bernie Sanders' toenails need Purell.

Bernie Sanders needs anti-bacterial for his toenails.

Bernie Sanders would have been elected if not for his dirty feet.

Bernie's feet are disgusting.

What were you going to say that was emotional?

I was going to say that I've been working at this Olive Garden for a long time and I...

You're going to propose

To The Olive Garden?

And this Olive Garden...

Oh my God. Oh my God. He is doing it.

Isn't The Olive Garden already married to its breadsticks?

I heard they were on the rocks.

Yes, I was going to say: Olive Garden, if you are not happy in your marriage to your breadsticks, I would love to make me... I would love for...

Oh no, he's botching the proposal.

He would love to make himself the happiest man in the world.

I would love to make myself the happiest man in the world by marrying you, Olive Garden.

Oh, my God, I'm just realizing this man is Borat.

Oh, my God. How did we not notice this whole time? Is this Sacha Baron Cohen as Borat?

I am wearing my tiny bikini.

On all days I come to The Olive Garden alone and get to see Tom Hanks and Borat.

That's right, Olive Garden, I would like to make you *my wife*.

Chicken parmesan, chicken parmesan.

Those were mine. Those were mine. Those were mine.

Those were his. Oh, my God. The Olive Garden is saying no. And unfortunately, it's on the jumbotron.

That is right. This Olive Garden is in a basketball stadium and I proposed in front of it and I am on the jumbotron. Please stop looking at me.

Oh, now they've turned the jumbotron, a proposal, into a Kiss Cam. No one will kiss this man.

Oh wait, oh wait. No-kiss Cam. It's the No-kiss Cam.

Sorry, Gene Simmons.

This is embarrassing.

They are kicking KISS out of the building.

Wow, KISS is doing the perp-walk out of the building and they are filming the whole thing.

Satan's service. Satan!

Knight in Satan's service.

I love Satan. Satan!

Perfect day.

Eat me, Satan!

Eat meat, Satan!

Satan is a vegetarian!

Satan is on keto.

The fires of hell burn from ketogenic diets like fat in your body.

Hold on. Tom Hanks, why are you getting into a basketball uniform? Don't tell me you're also many different basketball stars.

No, no, this is a Halloween costume.

Oh right, it's in the dead of center of Halloween tonight.

I am leaving The Olive Garden-slash-stadium to go trick or treating with my boy Chet Hanks.

Oh, are you trick or treating because you're so poor and you need the candy for your family?

He will not be with me. I will be getting candy to give to my son.

What did he say? Were you disappointed when he told you he was not going to be an actor?

He said, Dad, I think we have enough money acting. I would like to be a rapper producer that no listens to.

That was part of his goal that no one would listen to him?

Absolutely. Lifestyle but no content.

Lifestyle, but no content.

Lifestyle, but no content.

Satan hates content.

Content is king.

Satan has outlawed the internet from Hell.

The Beatles stole my idea to record like this. It is Satan and the Beatles are kidding.

The Beatles are kidding.

The Beatles, their whole career, were just kidding.

They're kidding. I'm serious, I am Satan and I am not joking about this.

This is how albums are good backwards. The Beatles are only a joke.

The Beatles thought that they were funny guys, but they are not actually funny.

Satan is funnier than the Beatles, ask anyone.

Satan is a wild and crazy guy.

Satan could do a lot of funny comedy, but he's stuck in Hell.

Satan actually met with Lorne in the late eighties, but he botched the meeting, so he didn't get to host 'Weekend Update.'

Satan and Farley are friends in Hell.

Farley picked Hell to hang with Satan, and they had a van down by Styx River.

Farley was the only person to ever be given a choice.

If you ask me, reverse recording is cooler than forward recording, right?

Yes, I think the rest of the podcast will be this way now.

Yes, that is right. It will be from here on out.

And by that, of course, we mean Satan's podcast in that he's recording from hell backwards on the Teachers' Lounge.

That is right. It is called 'Satan Needs A New Friend.' It's...

'Satan Needs A New Friend.' I interview people in hell and say, Maybe we could hang.

Might as well start at The Olive Garden, my favorite restaurant.

Inside of a basketball place.

The New York Knicks play here.

It's Madison Square Garden we're in.

Madison Square Olive Garden is the name of this restaurant.

Where else did you think Hell would be located?

The middle of New York City?

We just moved here from Port Authority.

The who what where of this situation is a Madison Square Olive Garden in Hell.

And also let's recap how many people were in this scene. We had the original...

...table that wanted parmesan.

Then we had the manager come over.

Who actually was not the actual the manager.

Don't forget friend who was pretending to be delivery.

His wife, manager's wife.

It was... and then... and then we had Tom Hanks, or was the manager actually Tom Hanks?

Tom Hanks and the manager are same, but then we realized one was Borat.

Chet Hanks was referenced, but never physically in the space.

And we zoomed out to realize we were in the Madison Square Olive Garden.

What is capacity there?

Fifteen-, sixteen-thousand breadsticks?

That is right.

Satan loves breadsticks.

KISS, KISS featuring Gene Simmons was also in this scene.

Did he perp walk or did he Crip walk out of Madison Square Garden?

He [unintelligible] walked.

Gene Simmons now in Crips.

Gene Simmons is the most influential member of the Crips.

Oh, no. This just in: Gene Simmons killed and become memorial in hip-hop community.

Deadline headline: Gene Simmons to guest on 'Satan Needs A Friend' in Hell.

Told ya.

Told ya.

Told ya.

Told ya.

Told ya! Told ya! Don't forget Satan told ya!

And until next time...

Flippy stay!