I Am Not a Cook

uh, hey, get up, Get up! Got Mississippi! The boys are It's not that song, Guys. Mississippi back in town, Boys are back. Song sucks this thing boards are Let's just

turn it down. Way

thin, Lizzy, Take your lawsuit and shove it. Were playing your songs on our show? Yeah, you know,

you're face in the dirt You seem

they're All the letters we've been getting have come from a bunch of different people. It's not all they all have different names. But it's also

just say, Lizzie's not safe in anymore.

Yeah, that's right.

Thin Lizzy stepped on the scale at the doctor's office and he said in a few of you, step off because he's getting

fact. Yeah, that was a good Jack. Glad Thin Lizzy way.

All know Thin Lizzy is one guy. He's big. Yeah, wounds a 1,000,000,000 fibula. Writers have been lizard, but we No way! No, It's a fucking

bat at a fat frog lizard. I didn't

know that Lizzie was short for

lizard. Yeah, sure. Lizard Beth a lizard Best president for the Queen. The long version of Lizzie is a lizard Beth Threat. Some

people say Beth for their shorty put some just go Levi's

shorty. Not your

name, but by short for its Todd Ra.

You know exactly you know, um, his name is Bob De Niro. It's actually Robert Flag Revert, Revert, the Nero and a lizard. Beth.

Well, he was getting type casts, so he changed his name.

He was They would not get him off of that lily pad early in his career. And they're like Europe fry. When

When he first did Raging Bull, he was like, Oh, thank God. Another animal.

Well, and he was tricked once cause originally signed on to do Raging Bull frog

You dead. But he changed the scoop in the rehearse song was a bullfrog near a waza boo from That's from our new Hollywood secrets book and album. Now that's

what I call Hollywood secret. It's

all the secrets nobody told us.

Yeah, it's all the secrets we think are true that nobody told

you our secret thing. You thinks you make up on the spot. I think that's rumors. Ah, I thought, there's relies. Well, as

you can probably tell Levi's job, boys, go Children of all ages. You are listening to the teachers. Better get ready, but I know that school a

single word and

Buffer Brothers

Todd Podd Tadre on the mic.

Sam. Weatherman. Good hosting, Todd.

But the bell, But bow and I'm Howard. What's up? Your fun,

Howard. I love that you did. Howard. What did choose boring do this to you? This is a choice. I

know This is a commercial audition. You get crazier as you go down the line. No. Introduced through commercial way slate real quickly. Yeah. Hi, Bill Cravy when I get asked him. But these are my hands, huh? Okay.

Great. Yeah. Pretty and next.

Uh, high Todd. Padre. Born 19 89

at an ally.

days. You're good

You can see my hands, but you're gonna have to pay for willing to shave. You

okay? Too much, too much. Let's go, Tonto.

To pay extra for me to not do nudity.

Okay, so going down the third as we know, it gets weirder

Way I'm Howard boo. Anything. You will not deodorant its commercial. I may

going back to the first guy.

Yeah, and this is may talk a lot of my butt like, you know,

the strength turn. Yeah. All right. Let's go back to the third guy. See if he's thought of anything fun to do yet.

I love to shave.

Okay. Time.

Oh, and money away. I will do kissing scenes.

Do any scenes at the commercial audition.

Okay. Without their kids, it's

OK. May do not go in there

and back to me. Eyes. This a

buyout? Yes. Oh, thanks. As a really fun question trying to be the union communions.

Thank you for coming on in. We'll call you. Don't call us,

Okay? Woo hoo! Center.

Thanks so much. It was great meeting here. Hug it out, bro. Hug it up.

I love this. This was a reenactment of many commercial auditions we have been on were always, no matter what city we are in. On the commercial acting scene in the local higher,

we signed up for local hire everywhere. Way

we love the idea of paying our own way out to a city and paper. Put ourselves just to be in the spot.

You know

what is a commercial for the year out

side of the scripts? Sides are

what's splitting If I'm in the room,

he has funny. Yeah, that's good.

But the tiny pieces of paper of the script

there. The tiny pieces of paper.

Um, what else are the terminology? The

striking striking When you're honest, That that's if you're taking something away.

Yeah, putting a light on.

Oh, I thought that was when they don't provide you a second lunch. So you strike, We

have a Usually you go long, you just demand a second. Love

your Your second lunch came 10 minutes after your first lunch.

Well, I always bust in before everybody served for seconds because I'm a rude little boy at the family re union. Weird. Yeah,

but now, as you all know, we're in D C. And you can clearly hear it. We miss Hollywood, Hollywood way almost know nothing about politics, but we could talk about Hollywood four days.

They say it's so political. Now you can't mess being informed. And I am I

still have no idea,

You know, I'm really hot on right now. Is that Karl Rove?

Yeah. Just firing about

hot on his trail.

You're certain of unifying?

Well, I saw him the other day and he was out there looking like a delicious baked. I got to see this guy. How you throw as part of a protest. Bacon bits at Karl Rove. Yes. And melted butter. Yeah. Yeah. I thought

that the Sizzler hot bar was fundamentally dismantling the tenants of democracy. But it was Karl Rove the whole time.

Yeah, that's right.

Wearing a lot of accessories.

Well, he's

been have bacon on a me didn't start cream tribes, Cheddar cheese. He went top of Teoh. I was like, Oh, yeah,

that's an interesting day. That's not classic has

been struggling. Said to pick up some extra hours as the Sizzler Hotbox

has been struggling ever since. This crazy guy in the White House, we don't even know his name. That's so not

there. Even I don't know what is

his name right now. Number 40

55 I won't say Isn't

your in protest? And it's not because you don't know its cause of protest.

No, it's because I don't know that I want to say his name because they do not know the president violently under uninformed due to my privilege,

I'll only say his name when I'm serving up a date. One of its stakes say Yeah, these air, one of the trump steaks, that's his name.

A lot of people don't know. Every president has had a state. That's right. You have stayed. Well,

it's one of the unknown amendments of the Constitution. Yes. All presidents have to start a state company. Number two. That is the actual Second Amendment

this were informed about. Yeah,

yeah, but then the one of the reasons Nixon got impeached because he didn't do a steak, He did. Nixon's fixings. There was just

science. That's right. It was just and and famously said, I'm not a

cook. I am not a cook. And then got on the figure out of the plane in love. I cannot believe he said that. Well, if you admit tonight cooking, the American public is hoisting. You're planning with seedings? Yes.

Absolutely. And I actually heard that the next Democratic candidate debate is actually taking place on the food network. Really? Yeah, really

be moderated by our interest.

Yeah, The Iron Chef. Yeah. Oh, wow.

He's moderating it. Yeah, and it's supposed to be pretty intense, and I think they're doing shark fin.

I was gonna say, Do we know what the secret ingredient I think

you're doing short?

Wow, That should be interesting. I have. I think Bernie's going to take it away, though. He strikes me as a guy who spent some time in a kitchen.

I bet you everything that Bernie Cooks has two ingredients Ever heard of? Worst Bernie Sanders to be. I don't even know if he

has just been in the kitchen. Was to complain that his mashed potatoes were too salty to burn. Just aren't. Oh,

assault Burned my tongue.

Maybe we do know about D. C. I mean, we're going on.

I mean, we have spent, what, seven episodes talking about

we have. I mean, you don't like it did get kicked out of the Washington Monument cause I thought it was the Wailing Wall. I was praying there I was, bowing my head back and forth.

Well, if you're close enough to the Washington Monument,

it looks like a big wall And I waas right up for

you were wailing

and you're nearsighted.

Yes, I'm nearsighted and farsighted. So you're also farce Excited? I'm far sighted. Which means that everything I see looks like it's a, uh, ribs. Yeah, like a ruse s. Oh, yeah. You know, two people are talking. I'll assume that you guys, like, look exactly alike and I don't know which is which states That type of stuff. Um

well, DC's intense. I mean, it has been intense. I've been lobbying hard and quite honestly, I'm a little stressed. A little stressed out. I had to go to the doctor

mood lately. I know you went to the doctor. How

into the doctor to pick up a prescription for my anxiety. You want to know what he prescribed me? What?

CB Dean, baby, I'm fine. Double CB, double

DVDs. I went over to Chong, my doctor, and he described the big C BDs for the BBC B B D great

team grate Podd EBU Already here everybody Cravy d

we're taking over Washington. What is green with the burger? Burger Taco? Big Tobacco A k A Cannabis Cup. What do you

think? Cannabis Cup, Cannabis Cup. It's in Mario Kart now. Yeah, right.

It's permeating through our culture. Wiz Khalifa is a government project.

Todd by the fund Wiz Khalifa

Bill, I think you missed your calling is a hype

man. Yeah, I did Well, I had a short career as a hype man and I was not doing as well as I thought

you would you would sort of hype the wrong stuff for

we. How is it? The hot 97 Summer jam doing height, man? Uh, character. I was doing height, man, and I got booed off.

Okay, so you didn't go out with a act loaded? The curtain call type

man. You were doing this. Nobody was there to hide those kind of silent.

Well, that's because you did this in the sort of bathroom vested, Buell.

Yeah. You know, you know how, like bathrooms at music festivals and and high traffic gatherings, Our garden?

Yeah, that's what I try to fight like. That's the kind of find when I need to use

one of the ideal. Yeah. I mean, borough while I was living in a, uh, a cluster of porta potties at Coachella. Really? Yes. Yeah. Wow.

Did you started? Take out the walls between them and sort of make one big at Elek. 66 porta potties. You took out

made one smaller. I got in one, and I put up some walls, will partition. Okay. And I was kind of in one side of one porter body s I was still functioning,

so other people were using the

port while you were sleeping. It was the It was the poop. Only one. I didn't know they did that.

Yeah, they have a nasty section for proof only of music vessels cast the liquid in there. You

cannot pay.

Did you see the lineup for the Coachella porta potties this year? They released it, and it looks good. I mean, the years I thought they sold out this year. Look,

you know who's head lighting? Diary Avenue? No. Plain Whitey's? Yes. Predicting

stains on that way anymore. Well,

they're playing. Hey there. Diarrhea?

Yeah, also, I heard Puddle of Mudd is also

playing. I think they're going. They're going a little conservative with puddle A river. Howard, tell me about your book some.

Ah, well, you as you guys know, last week, Uh, last time I got my fingers tied because I decided I didn't want to have any kids. Uh, I'm sorry. Books. Um, and you know it. Over the course of last few days, I gave that some thought, and I'm happy that I did that because I'm actually decided that, um, in the future, I'm not gonna have any more biological books that sort of are produced for me, but I am considering adoption. Um, yeah, I went Teoh, you need a card for that? I know. I went to the library and I got my library card. Um, I read a few books. I'm honestly, I really I really am excited about the potential of adopting Moby Dick Aziz my book and how? Adopting him for two weeks. I have two weeks. I

should be, like, 500 years old. Yeah, he's already

the person he is, but he you know, we this society forgets people and when they get old and I have talked about that on my my show, my post supper show this society forgets about people when they get old. Okay? And I am not that kind of person. I want to give love to every person and book, no matter how old they are. So I'm also considering adopting the Bible on uh wow.

So you have a lot of self confidence because you're taking on some of the biggest books in history. I mean, Moby Dick in the Bible are one and two on the best seller lists.

Is that self confidence

to stop having your own Children and say that you, your Children, are actually the most famous books of all

time, so that's interesting. I think what frustrates me is there are so many good Chinese books out there. Um, there's a lot of good African writers and you Did you even consider those options or did you go straight for a European? Herman

Wow. Twitter feed Padres? That's right. Name hard.

If you our woke on Twitter, I'll find a mistake in there and I'll make you not woke enough.

Well, here's the thing, Todd. I'll tell you this. I didn't I didn't want to project the sort of white savior complex that we see in all of pop culture today. I did. How did I what? How did I project that? I mean,

I was a panitan your 1st 2nd You know what this is? Here's the thing I'm realizing now that's the

big problem here. OK, is nobody pays attention to me.

Well, if it was interesting, I could be

what's more interesting than adopting a 500 year old book or the Bible?

I like this. I like this story. I dio dio. It's just it's sometimes it gets lost when it's going up against screaming words that sound the same. So

yeah, you man man, Grieb et you vomited. And in fact, is Bob Miss a creepy debe

If you just keep screaming, Biggs. And don't let people try to find logic. Then we never

have to find anything but less you find

You know what? Fuck my future as an author on How about this?

Just a day, Dil Dil way back. Is this a dad I like to fuck or what is this?

This is dime a dill. From now on, Howard is a

dealer our way. Okay, No. Forget the book stuff. Car. My show. Just do your deal Porn that you've been doing. Oh, that's right. I have been

doing for just pulled out your phone and you've been doing dope board for 10 seconds.

You're leaning too hard on the dad part of it. Not I'd like. It's mostly you wandering around the kitchen. Be like where Fried pan are aware that weight, my beer, my beer. Well, see, that made no

sense. But now we have to focus on it. This is what you gotta do. Our

No, Listen, it makes sense. Your dad born is not sexy. It's mostly Dad.

Here's the thing, Bill. I knew from the beginning. What? When you said that what you meant. But but then I think you, you know, examples were bad,

but I have been seeing this Dad porn. You've been putting out there because I Todd, I like to look at everything. I just like to know what's out there. Yes, scientist. I'm a scientist

while he's looking at it.

Okay, well, I guess we're in our dirty laundry a little bit today.

Hey, let your freak flag fly.

We airing our dirty laundry today.

Today is dirty laundry day where you're

supposed to wash it.

No, no. You air your dirty laundry.

We

What we do is we tie our laundry all to one long rope and we hang it out of the back of the van. We drive along, wait on the retail. Well, we drive fast enough. And if I was in the end,

it flies and usually like birds. Raccoons will pick off the filthy. It'll be clean by the time we play available. Holier, dusty, but nothing nasty. Yes, but I have been enjoying your dad stuff. Thank you. I do think that It's a lot of story and I like story, actually.

Well, you guys Comptel My obsession is with story. I like to keep story alive. It is not the action. It's not about the like, sort of quick into fucking. It's like, No, I want to tell the whole story I want I want to see ah Mann fall in love with ah woman big And then they get married and then eventually they have a child and then they have.

So this is so nice

having before they have sex. Thinking of Immaculate Conception episode Coming Soon Sam's find the truth of my existence be on the lookout for that. We're going in deep. Yes, like Dateline.

Well, how would I think? That's really good to know about you, that you're so story focused. Give me a peek inside your brain and why you do jokes so infrequently. It really helps me out to understand you. And I really appreciate that.

Now, speaking of story focused, my epic play is being written right now. I'm throwing it out there because I find if I don't tell everyone what I'm working on, I don't feel the pressure to work on it. So I'm working on a five hour a day epic. It's a week long. Play five hours a day.

You've been going to star box to sort of write. Andi, I hate to tell you this, but we've been following you and we've been eating chips across the street watching you, right? Just to see you stick out its just take out hits a stakeout. We got you And you seem frustrated in their

in the Starbucks. Yeah, it's just so hard to break story when you're writing alone. I love writing with the group. I love writing with a partner, but I'm trying to work on something on my own. Yeah, and it's just frustrating because first of all, I am pounding these eyes.

You can see are you tell

you, and then I can I get so excited? Nothing. I actually wanted to be on the pages there cause I'm pounding too hard.

Okay, you stand up because you're like, Oh, I need I need to walk around. It helps my brain. I need to put up note cars. You put up no cars on people's foreheads just popping up on people's for your ordering

drinks and saying that your name is at some point the hero needs to be confronted by a monster.

It's a great It's a great reminder. And so I'll be kind of doing. I'll be doing some of the, you know, beginning of act to the fun and games stuff, and then I'll hear extra large macchiato for your hero needs to at some point be confronted by their monster. And I'll go. I got to focus on the fun and games I forgot about.

You have to order these drinks right at the right time. That when you're right,

Yes. And unfortunately, um, my dark night of the soul end of Act two left yesterday and I don't know if they're coming back so completely

full. They were there. They were there having a sort of going away brunch with their friends.

Was that going away? Brunch

video did well, party star. But what about your great? I'm going away forever, I guess. Mimi, it's Starbucks, you idiot!

Every thanks out today, which isn't drinking coffee

had a bunch of microwave Christiane

here, have a Chobani before I leave.

So your body lines over the ocean. Have you seen that needs.

Do you see, Howard? Do you see

how it works? I think I've just been

focusing on the wrong things for seven seasons.

I don't know eso you're writing a 25 hour player that's supposed to be seen in a week?

Well, yes. So you got to come every day you clock in at the beginning, clock out at the end to get paid to get paid for coming to the play. Yeah, on

were heard. Hired. The work conditions that you play our business

were working with nonunion audiences. So, um, it's

people got me said, DeLeo, move from your play, right?

Well, yes, yes, but that's because of the me says to So they got me so busily oma resistive theory feeling over that I served to cool me. So suit to get me so

everything to do with tuberculosis and me. So

no, this has nothing to do with two

birds with one of them. You so lobby

well, Which diphtheria?

Sensitive Syria. I do cover because it's part of the beef brigade.

I actually have hypothermia. See? Now, Breeze really way might forget that.

Let's got one. Because I like that you did that because it means you weren't listening when I said me So Thurman.

There's a lot of good learning about Bill's mine today, who

he considers a valuable friend and contributor to

this. And if you listen back to this, you can tell I listen, I hear something. It takes me 15 seconds to think of my thing. So from when that is said to when I say my thing, I'm racking my brain for some type of something and I have quit listening Is bad improvisation. Here's the

Here's the thing because today we do have to leave a little earlier. I'm working on my play. Or maybe there's that long. The episode should be and we're not leaving earlier. We're going to long before. But whatever it is, we have been spending a lot more time together. We're living in most quarters in the van. I've been really trying to make us, like, socially a thing, hang out a little more, get to know each other, and so we're learning a lot about each other off Mike, and that's exciting to make.

Yes, it's very fun. We know each other really well.

Do I know all about you, Bill? Yes, I know all

about I know all about you, Sam. Thank you. Well, everything except the Immaculate conception.

Super so drumming in three years.

It's a big tease, ladies and gentlemen.

You're writing it, Todd, and we have yet to see a script and start date on the Immaculate Conception episode is coming quick.

Well, we we've had to push a couple times. We've had to put a couple times, but yes, I volunteered to write the story of Sam's life. I've been interviewing them and I've just been trying. Here's the thing. And here's what I learned. I learned this from a cinema student. Friend of mine is you. Have you learned it from a student? Yeah, he's well, he learning from a teacher. And when you're writing a story about someone a true story, you asked him three questions. Ones that time You felt great. Joy. When's the time you felt great Terror on guns? The time you felt great shame. And I can I cannot get Sam off the shame one

e I get stuck.

I don't know what everyone to joy.

Well, here's the thing we don't have. We don't have to get into the real stuff with Sam because, you know, when they say based on true events, they embellish. If only if all you know is the shame stuff you can make up the

other stuff. That's true. That's true. And I'm watching a lot of biopics to see what I can make up. I pull

right? Yeah. I mean, the foot, the first draft. I mean, we saw a the bullet points of a first draft seem a lot like Freddie Mercury life.

Well, I do think that maybe I spend too much time of Sam with his family in Morocco.

Yeah, Sam And big teeth, big front teeth,

big front teeth. But it is a little more like the Chinese version of Bohemian Rhapsody reader not touch on the day. Stuff out. Uh, that out? Yeah, but yes. So I threw that out. When you guys game of that note, I'm liking this new draft.

Dad. Talk about Sam. Gay staff. No, Keep it out.

It's gone. But I'm excited with my new draft. I'm just getting this scene. Where? Sam? In June. Carter Red. Do their first tour together?

Yes. There are times together. We're remember. Herbal.

Have you have you already written the scene where Sam goes blind?

Yes, Sam, I'm working on that. It's right. He goes blind as he singing I got a woman

and I swear Ideo have you in the part where I started to play basketball with the monsters?

Yes. So that you asked me about these three scenes. Coincidentally, they come back to back. So same goes on tours June Carter realizes is blind and writes a song I got a woman, I swear Ideo on then tours with the mon

stuff I've had a crazy life that all started magically

Listen up for the super side

Loosen up, fuckers

be a six hour episode that we want to

dio now. And here is my favorite part of the episode landing at all right tight clothes, the nice tight clothes. And I'm not talking about an ill fitting jumpsuit which you are wearing. I'm wearing some nice tight clothes, but we also have to tightly close out the episode in a nice wait.

What about on it? Price That

and what's nicer than introducing a new long segment? Time way?

Don't have time for this.

Well, we'll hear about it. Might be quick hear him out. Boring loser.

This segment is called and we're all for participating in the beginning. Middle and end of my life.

My as in yours?

Yes, we're all going to tell my story, beginning middle and end up God damn it. And it's what we do. It

starts in a little dumpy hospital in anywhere. USA Flash Cut to Tiger, Big Head coming out of a Todd cut to Mom up above screaming. It wasn't once said it wasn't worth it. Slash Cut to the toilet. She's pooping them out.

She wishes. It's just regular poop. Todd is born and in the world now

Flash cut. Todd's dad stands over him in a bassinet, frowning deeply.

Todd is sitting in a wicker chair while the dad stands in a bassinet

and dialogue. This was a mistake. Credits roll to Graduation Day. Tad's absence.

Title card. Todd Padres Life. Part two.

Welcome back, Bitch Credits Roll got to end of film credits roll to begin

reversed film credits roll. First, everybody gets an applause because everybody who worked on it is in the audience.

A Steve Martin film.

Well, that didn't go as long as I thought it would and it hit all the main points of my life. Jesus. Well,

that's the episode. Thanks for listening and as always, say, hey.