Post-game Conference Pt. 1

Thanks, everybody, for coming out. Ah, to the press conference after the, um, game we just played. Ah, everybody. Ah, Where's a little microphone? There's a couple microphones you can pass around out there. Um, if you wanna ask me a question. Ah, did we get all the newspapers and everybody in here? All right. Um, yeah, I just go ahead, and ah, he added, right there in the yellow hat.

A coach coach. So, uh, kind

of fire it far from the mike. It's gonna take a second to get it over here.

E I just pass it. Yeah, I got I'm passing it to my life. You have to say

anything into the mic when you're

the microphone has made it to me, and I am passing it to my left to make it to this gym.

Well, it needs to go to the

right. Yeah, I don't know if you guys were going around the horn

giving back this way, right

Handed it back to me. And you know what? Hot potato. Right back. You, sir.

Looks like tea party over here. I'm gonna turn. I'm gonna throw it back to the man in the corner.

No, I have the microbe. I'm security. Good.

What? Hey, a ah, Mike, If you could

pass it over to the gentleman in the yellow hat,

My cold on the mic.

Okay. Mike and Mike in the morning holding the mic right now. Oh, this is cool.

Actually, this pretty interesting. Mike, you're the security guard here at the games. Now, what is your biggest goal for the game? Hey, hold on. How it on this is not my ex press

conference, okay? I don't know if somebody's asking,

Mike. Safety. That's awesome. Now, safety, there was a bit of a halftime mistake this tonight. Now, where were you? We

did not achieve our goal of safety tonight. I'll say that right up top.

I thought I'd like

to speak on the half a steak. Um,

as you know, the cheerleaders were supposed to

come out Ah, in half time and do their routine that they are practicing for nationals. They were going to showcase their routine tonight, and, um,

Mike, uh, it seemed as if you had been paid off. Ah, too, because there were some shifty cheer leading figures in the in the shadows. And of course, as we all know

Rebecca got her ankle broken. Somebody broke Rebecca's ankle with a with a tire iron.

I was, um you know, if I was getting a hot dog, I was getting a hot dog. A lot of connections are already being made between me and ah, uh, junior Jack Fina. Gillooly?

Yes, Jeff E. Nicolle.

Now, Oh, I This isn't

my press conference, okay? We bungled safety today. I could say that right away we bungled safety.

Somebody like, Will you be resigning? Never. Hi.

They could pry this job for my cold, dead hands.

Might have you handle tomorrow. You had stepped out to get a hot

dog when Rebecca's ankle was smashed.

Excuse me. Bill will ask the questions here. Thank you. Yeah. Mike, you stepped out when Rebecca's ankle was smashed. Okay. Question. I don't know. You didn't get to it, but I didn't like you taking our role

colors in the ladies out there. Ladies

and fellas, Children of all ages. Security is hard work. It makes you hungry. Now you all get to go eat during halftime. But us poor security guards don't. And today I decided to eat, and it was the fateful wrong day when someone got their ankle shattered by a tire iron right before the cheerleaders did their routine first.

Isn't it about a two hour shift? Yeah. And from what the audience was saying, you came stuffed. He went heat. We obviously entered stuff. I don't know. It was obvious.

Well, I actually have sources on the matter. If anyone would like to pass the mic over to me. Okay. Pass it around. Yeah.

Here you go. You could dig my mike.

Thank you so much, Mike. Uh, accord? My name is Cord. OK, my name is my name is Cord, and I'm running my fingers along the mic cord. Uh, this

jewel very natural.

Stop. Oh, yeah. Wow. This feels nice. It's almost like when you run spaghetti through your fingers anyway,

win. Why don't you that

anyway, Shut up. Uh,

please shut. Great. Were spoken T to shut up. I know it's a child as you insult, but it's infuriating.

Okay, well, I've got sources on Mike's hunger situation from the first half. I've got multiple people in the crowd, Mike, that say you undid your belt three notches, tapped your stomach twice and said

Damn good lasagna. Mike. What chords? Well,

if I could get the mike back from Korea,

I'll pass it. Pass it back, Okay? Right through my right hand into my left hand and over the

top. And I caught it. Sorry. Could you repeat the question? I forgot it.

You au que undid your back

up, Bill. Yeah, I undid my belt pad in my stomach. Well, I'd love to know who your sources, because I'll kill them all. Kill them

for speaking out against me like

that is not

good language coming from the person who has possibly paid off for Rebecca Shattered ankle.

Like some people

are saying You are so full that you looked like you were in a suit. Uh, are you really Mike, Wait. What is the? Some people are saying that you sound a lot like Todd. Padre, you are so performative Lee full that they maybe don't buy your weight.

They think you might be in a fat suit.

Oh, wow. Body shaming now. Ah, fat suit. That's what it's come down to. If I was Todd Padre, how could I be? In a

way, Excuse me? The zipper in the back. It's what gave it away.

Back to top of head. Okay,

turn around my Let's see this is it 10 around? She always true.

You have to do this. I don't have to do this. I am Mike. Security guard.

Oh, the Zepp show That set show The song wasn't fun gear. That was a You're guilty, G

You got me.

Tap my toes. Whatever. Like,

if you're not Todd Padre in a fat suit, just unzip the suit. Nto just are just prove that it's not a zip up fat suit.

I cannot unzip my squat, unquote fat suit demeaning the same way you couldn't take off your hair, Bill. Okay?

Yeah. Okay. Well, this ain't this ain't Todd. I'm convinced. Ok, OK, well, Bill,

what about this gentleman who, speaking huge, knows he can't

just take it off all of a sudden?

You're talking about yourself. No walking,

Todd. Why? Why would Even

if this is Todd, if If you are Todd Mike, I guess you just called him by that man e It seems obvious what is? What's your beef with the cheerleaders and Rebecca's ankle

in particular?

No beef. The only beef over here was the 100% all beef dog I had during halftime.

And what were the condiments on that dog? This story is getting interesting again.

Okay. All right. Now what they're interested

in. The one reporter brought his own little bullhorn so you can always

hear me. I got sources on the dog if anybody wants to hear him. But also Todd passed over the cord. You're welcome to do it yourself. Tired. If you

have, you got sources. And I'm not answering to that name. By the way. It's Mike. What

are the sources on the dog?

Took Mark, please.

Into my right into May. Left into your hand.

Hand. Here we are. Awesome. Eso I got sources that saw the hot dog two minutes into the halftime show. They said that Mike, I'll put that in. Quotes

cannot stop for just one second. So far, your sources are weighing in on a man's weight and they've also seen hot dogs. Specifics. Are they hungry? Are they obsessed with food? I can't speak on

your sources. I can't speak to my sources. They will remain anonymous. I'm not going out. My sources resources. Ah, very short. Say I don't think it's unfair to say that my sources are hungry. Doesn't change any for a scoop. They're hungry for a scoop

for me. Time your sources eat. There's no info. You are in phone

lis A. And it does just so happen that my whole column in the newspaper tends to be about what was available at concession stands. Ah, and roadside stands. You

brought down the principle with deep dish.

That's true. That is true. The principal came out publicly and said he didn't eat deep dish.

So the deep dish who is

deep dish we all want to know deep dish is

I will never let you know who deep dish is. I will say this deep dish love speeds. It is from Chicago.

Way all over. That is

no, But it's not Chris. It's not Chris in the office. It's not the secretary in the office. It's not him. It's by promise. Anyway, sources on the hot dog condiments. My source says they saw Mike quote, Uh, there were quotes. Slather mayonnaise on that bitch.

Is this source editorializing with the B word? And I am quoting.

Yeah, that's in direct from my source. Uh, no

less. Your doesn't mean the hot dog was your source in like a yo mama battle.

Okay, guys, I gotta come clean. You

come. Plane. Finally,

my starts on this was Wilmer Valderrama. Because you have said that is MTV show. Yo, Mama got cancelled.

Will develop moronic for Rio. Mama?

Yeah, From your mom on MTV.

So we have some Valderrama from your mama drama right now.

Wow, this is big. Valderrama is witnessing Todd being zipped up in a fat suit, eating a hot dog while not presiding over security post Just yet another one of his jobs. Let me ask one question. Does will diorama from your mama drama have anything to do with Osama? Does it? Well, with so many more words and the same thing on the syllables

you guys read my column shortly after

Valderrama's Osama bin How on earth could the seventies show will build

a rahm? Will drama Valderrama have anything todo world around about a rama? What can I think? It was regular way normal Former brains broke

well around voter All the drama with yes, a psalmist Mama, my

mama hit a welder

with obviously sources are burn on, uh, hot dog over there. You

got your first game, Hot dog.

Take one and pass it over here. Yeah, coming over there, Pound.

Let's do in Osama's mom Extra man.

Oh, so you attacked me the dog back and send another dollar off the way. Way out. Just send huge. Just send you an extra dollar. Don't pass it back where he was the Osama male mama. Ah, yeah, OK. Does anybody want to talk about before we get into hot dogs? And we I know we

all want one, and we will one. Ah. Does anybody have any questions about the game?

It doesn't seem like there's much to talk about. Bill, you lost 121 to 6.

Yeah, Not interesting. Well, anybody, that's pretty interesting of a loss. I thought maybe there would be Ah, couple of questions on how it actually happened. Okay, I do have a question. It seemed at one point when you were down by 20 you decided to turn the other way and start scoring in the other teams basket for a bigger story. What was the thinking behind that? Well, I don't know if there was so

much thinking as there was, um the white board got turned over that I draw exes and oh's on. So the orientation of everybody just got all screwed up.

So both teams were trying to score on the same basket. Well, yeah, they never

had a problem. But eventually they were like this. Let him but said him go to the goal on our goal

and I could see the white board going upside down. But how does it

get turned around in a way where it's mirrored?

Well, I sat on

the white board and caved it in on itself. So it was a mirror image, and

I don't know if you saw, but most of

our boys played on their head for one quote, whole quarter.

Way to miss.

Well, yeah, they they, of course, had ah, shorts on shoulders and shirts on bottoms. And that tank top was not too forgiving on some of those bottoms. No, it was not

a lot. The balls we saw.

Well, I you know, I think it

was enlightening to see them and see how they move when they're upside down.

And the players saying you instituted a mandatory no jockstrap RL Well, yeah, I said we don't do these in basketball, Let it swang. I've since early

on I said I said we were gonna were gonna do ball handling drills, and we're gonna let it swing. Ah, since early on in the season.

Well, congrats on letting it swing. You really did that tonight. Well, go No one. These two. It's not only know, Jack system, nobody's and we live. It's Wang, of course. Well, congratulations on a horrible loss and a fantastic swing bank hit. And to todd slash Mike in the back. Uh, you failed at your job today. Well, top Todd, let's or Mike. Thank you. Let's wrap

up. Let's wrap up. Um what what? What do you have in it? How are you involved other than you fund the Orlando Ah Roses cheerleading team?

Well, so right to the bottom of it?

Yeah. Who are your sources on that bill?

Bill myself? Words for you Up. I'm gonna throw up the fuckin there. Shut up! Shut the fuck up!

You shut your

damn mouth! How about you About one of these

eyes? That a middle finger

pointing the finger but a big bird from the stage? Big, hard, stiff finger with thumb

pulled to the inside of the palm

where you're didn't jagged finger.

How much like the birds? The hitchhiking bird. Oh, yeah? Well, why don't you take this? Unbelievable. The forearm to the crease of the elbow and up yours.

You take that back right now, I

can't stand how either of you are treating this journalistic process. Don't you know you? I wish you Ah, finger flick off the chin. You

You do that with your daughter in the room,

You know what is this? Is this is how you say no to a man? You know what, Right? Ready your daughter.

There's gonna be a child. I'm gonna treat you all like Children, Okay? And I'm gonna give you one of these

big tongue out

home right out. You did

that is seated. Notched his big. Put your tongue back to her. You stick your tongue out. You did his daughter and my

mic stands. Daughter Lesley stand is right there and you stick your tongue out. All right, That's it. Where this is shut down were Shut it down,

But he's grabbing his purse. Good. Put sunglasses on.

I've seen King James do this. And this is the King James

version. Of course. Dressed in the other King James outfit. Big logro Goodbye. Slam