Charity Auction

All right, folks. Has everybody enjoying the charity gala so far. Who? Everyone's raised a lot of money. And now it's your friends Todd, Padre Sam, weatherman Bill Crave E and Howard Levis here to raise a little more money for Hamilton High School through our annual auction off a date with the host of the teacher's Lounge. Yes,

again, Your looks out,

ladies or gentlemen or non gender binary people and anyone. It's anyone as what I'm saying. Anyone could do it. I don't want to make it just men and women advice after, you know, after I was a little too rigid last year. Okay, so first up on the dating block,

we talk. That's right. We did talk about it before Todd promises he will say yes to anyone this

year. Your bid will be counted regardless. Yes, just now

he will not turn down the biggest donor based on anything. We have talked to him. We have. We have him backed up against a wall.

We all agree her eyebrows were a little big last year. I don't know how you know could have enjoyed that date, but, you know, onward and upward for the

more We're not going to comment on any of our possible dates. Physical attributes?

Yes. And then we also talked about It's It's a fun thing. It's just a date for fun. And the purpose is to bring in money for charity. We're not out here looking for riel. Romantic connection

necessarily. Um, but able open Teoh House that if

anyone If there's any of our ex wives out there who are feeling a bit of regret, this could be a good opportunity to rekindle things.

Yeah, and also, if just anybody. I mean, I'd love to get picked this year. I'd really like it cheap. I'll go cheap. 50 cents. We could start a sense.

Yes. We need some at least one person to bid on. Howard, please. And

you responded any time with with the excitement, we're going to start with

him. Is that correct? Oh, God.

All right, Howard Levis. Look at him walking down the runway here. Howard is six foot one in heels, 59 out tripped and she's down.

That's a hard one. Hell, on one regular flat

to see both options folks down.

Howard is dressed in both options. So is in right side casual left side evening where that's

right, I made this myself. He's

got a pleated khaki going all the way down the left leg and a mini skirt on the right. You

can take him to Applebee's or the gala.

That's true. I'll and I will have just as much fun at either one.

Howard's interest include describing documentaries. He saw some of and short walks on the beach

That's right, plays dune to shore and back. Do no. I will not walk along a

power to stop talking so much. How are you supposed to be strutting? We're talking you up

walking from a parking lot to the waves and back. I will not walk down the beach.

I would want you to know that he won't walk down. The beach is just talking about the wave

and feel free to hold up under those paddles to bid on Howard at any time. We're taking non verbal bids at any time. A lot

of pot ALS hitting the floor. Keep those battles in your hand,

but I see a lot of people putting their paddles in their purse and zipping them up just in case. Hey, you don't

have to hide him. Okay, We get it. You could leave him on your lap,

you know, on $1. $1

for Howard. For me, Sam. Weatherman. I'll brave the seal.

Better. What daughter was there? Whatever it is, we're one. Not of it is that it? Is somebody in the back? Some of those women

time Just talking fast. Not just message tied. Took an auctioneer class. That's why he's in the Bulow tie. So he's running this. How long was

that Auctioneer Quest? Six months in Texas, Right?

Six. Yes, sir. Partner. Yes, Surgery.

And they that and the teacher of that class talks fast, right? It's a lot of

dirt. It's a hard It's like a merge in language stuff. You go in and they're right away. Fast stock and the answer questions and fast auction.

So this is your best. The This is your best. Just keeping up with the fast guys saying, Dude,

even Teoh Well, guys will be earned more

from Todd as these bids get more and more exciting. But so far it's a dollar for Howard from me, one of the teachers and everybody knows I can't afford it

here.

$2 from the shadowy figure in the back way figure this year. You gotta pay up. Okay. Murderer on the loose. Give to guys. There has been murders lesson here in Hamilton that have not been called. Wait a 2nd 5

dollars. $5 from the hooded man in the back. Cinched tightly around his

face, though the Hamilton Park Ripper showed up for a vote.

We got a building working dollars ski mask off. I don't see us $7.

I know your comment on anybody's appearance. Okay? But I have to I have to hear, uh, we can't take bits from these obvious murderers.

O J for 30. Ok, ok, that's

awesome. You showed up really

cool. Looks like 44 from the Menendez brothers

from the desert for

44 teachers at 22 each. Guys, please. Okay, they're saying 22 each. They're rallying. 20

to eat are the brothers of us and I would write to each

please ignore these bids for these murders. Please. I

don't want girl bid $64. Southern belle in the middle. Men drew up sweaty hold on. Hot on, taking her wig off. Taking the lipstick off.

Yeah, that's the That's the bathroom. Drowned her. That's the Hamilton bathroom. $64. 64 to the bathroom. Browner for

Glowed Cork. Is that 64 by yourself? Or are

you splitting it 32 32? I'm just the murderer. Okay. Sigh

Serial murderer 64 to the signal murder. Definitely not to murderers in one outfit. Pretending to be one man.

65 for myself. 65. For me, I

way have

65 to the Hamilton Follower appear the creepy Hamilton follower that women have been complaining about.

What a Howard has been recently titled The Hamilton Follower

65. Going once to the follower. Any other murderers too rich for my blood? Not worth it. I'm taking

off. Ski Mask is going to rob another bank. Hopefully be back in time to bid more money.

Is it so Yes, five

spirits going opportunity. They're gonna want todo Cabaniss skin, but it's got twice Seoul.

Thank God I bought myself

our love. It's nice how you see Howard and Dirty Howard going to go on a date with each other. Anybody joined in

with the round of applies guys? Anyone in the audience can cheer for Howard would

it kill you? Okay.

Showing why people do not want to go out with Howard. We're gonna skube discovered it was gonna Well, I guess it's that time. My name is Sam weatherman, and I'm about to approach the runway.

Sam Weatherman on the runway. And yes, that is J. Lo's famous dress from the MTV. A minute it's

it's slightly more revealing this go around more to reveal baby and also wardrobe malfunction. Holbrook

and his home says Sam. Weatherman's whole. But now Sam Sam is a fan of savers and aquarium. Um,

he said, Aquarium. Just reading here. I think people side. No, it says no. You heard that, right? Aquarium. We are early risers, and typically we have fish inside of us. I think he's like a pesca. Terrian is what he's saying.

Okay, the Pesca Terry in and look at that, but still out Beautiful. But

it says here he likes to sit in the dunes

on the beach. Okay. Same likes to sit in the beach dune, so he'll take that short walk, but he'll take a little break on the beach to sit down.

You hit us with some of that auctioneer Todd

And so we'll start the bidding for Sam where we left off with Howard. $65. Your eyes, The driver's job. A some happened body once told me somebody who is a 65

in the smash mouth. It sounds

like way six survivors of some of the sharpest tool in the show. Uh,

$68? Yes.

$80 to either old lady or a little girl. I couldn't tell from

that. Um I know, maybe maybe Murray. I have to make it back to the home. Okay. My whole house. So no retracted. Bid $60 to

the little girl. Said I would have to go on a date with it. May want t o taught that bet out there.

Everybody having adult family. Two

dollars.

$72 to either a adult with a list for a very little kids. Still learning to speak.

Oh, I've got to go back to my retirement community. Please let me know if I were night.

Okay. So number fun type. I'm OK with this. It sounds just like an old person with the list.

About 72 to Elmer Fudd. Old Omer foot out there. Hope you

don't mind the judge bridge. $80

that's for sure. Eddie, to the old voice

sites. Getting bad. Okay, because it's yet tearfully form.

That's a little kid, then, Sam, we've got two little kids and old Elmer Fudd in a bidding war for Sam. Weatherman, huh? Crap, Crap And Sims insecure on. Seems no card will put it on here.

Have to I know. Need $90. Please hand me my walker.

Okay. $90 to ah Walker. So how? That must be an old

person. I call my Tonka truck

$90 to a young kid who caused the target truck. A walker

Does a single room not want a vote. And this is 100

dollars. 0 $100 told over bud.

And to Wesley Web

02 We'll see. If you ever catch those Elmer, we'll see. So

don't tempt me.

Boing, Boing, boing, boing! Boing! Been shot

over 40 shots saying Wait a minute into the

chest. Radio Just tell time. 11 What happened? You don't have to tell last time. Wait to

see my friend should just battle before you, sir. I use the restroom or a

quirky big I always got. I always thought we looked like thes

last words are top working pretty girls that we looked like, Like party, way dead friend Wait for the folks who had it. A couple words a bill crazy giving him mouse to shotgun wound resuscitation.

Okay, suck out the bullets feel. Oh, my God! My teeth! Oh, my God. What happened? Bill?

Suck on the bottle with his

tea tied time. Okay, uh,

shot to the chest for Elmer Fudd going What's going twice? Giving a skipping a soul. Your

soul To the guy who shot Hey,

Porky Piggy Always thought they kind of looked like up next.

All for me, folks, we write it. That's all for me, folks. All right? No, me Upon the docket,

we have built Crave e

Wow! Wow! Wow!

Bill Gravy coming on stage. Teoh Aerosmith playing Joe Perry like guitar.

And of course you're right. That is not a speaker playing that that is Bill Making the sounds with his mouth crazy. Likes

to be buried in the Dern's upside down.

Crazy me in the dunes. Baby

says here sign is cancer to society? Uh,

waas Ah! Bill says he

loves a nice romantic lobster dinner Where You have to catch the lobster at the harbor first and stink like salt

the whole time. It ain't where Deaton, if you don't put in the work

bill it says here, likes to turn his own butter and then melted to dip the lobster in.

It's not a meal unless you suffer from 50. Captain can. I was more interested in the butter than crazy. I cannot be sold into an Alaskan crew again.

I need a net, man.

Okay, that's the same guy with two last year. I've been living in Alaska for six weeks.

That man, of course, Lois Rung on the boat has to go in the water to get the net.

It's right. If the net falls off the rigging, the net man jumps in and reps around himself and then I hook him out with the shift

book. Somebody else, Please, please. $200

to throw the ice road Trucker in the back.

No, $200. I need a winch, man. I have to turn the winch to get the truck out of the ice. It's too hard. I I always have Ah, hernia.

Some of Discovery Channel's deadliest blue collar workers here bidding on Bill Crave E.

Please, just not just please not somebody to do with gold and finding gold in the hills. Nobody. Okay, Nobody 300 as

300 to gold Prospector in the back.

I need you to put the pan in. You ever

okay? Paid man. That sends a little better than winch. Man

to pan, man. No, the river is freezing cold.

Okay, Cold Gold River Man for $200 in the back or was a $400.

I don't remember. We'll

say 400 cause at least German again. This is for Hamilton high schools. Toilets are toilets are in dire need of a cleaning and a replacement. Our bathrooms. The partitions between the toilets need to be lowered. So, ladies and gentlemen, please be is giving as you can to

my why are the partitions on Lee up near the head like you can see how close? Because

it was it was a catalogue snafu. We accidentally ordered awnings instead of partitions. So we've got restaurant on things hanging above. He'd stall instead of partitions. Which we Where? That's why we're doing this Fundraiser, folks, we know we made a mistake. we owned up to it. Now we're doing a fund.

Please. Not gold cold pan. Man, please. I would like to Ah, I would like to say that this this auction has been No, because Todd hasn't said one shovel a shovel under in my whole round

way. You have 400 to cold gold pain, man. We got it for dating, uh, packed in our holding. She's mine. She said that? She golden note. It's on

twice a murderer. Anyone?

We got the Hamilton Park Strangler. It's and

too rich for my blood. The Hamiltons banker

banker here, obviously. Just for the paddles Choice Minnesota Shit! A sold to go pan man in the bag My to late to bid on Mr Kray v oh Boggs on Assad is back. Oh, looks like I'm too late. Oh, I forever bills Old ba trove The ghost of bills Old Between that, we blew up.

Whoa! There must be like a hot spot here for goes

All right for this last round Will open this up for all ghosts as well. So ghosts, killers, Discovery Channel reality show scary people, old people and young and Elmer fied for Todd. Would

you like to auction yourself or what? You like somebody else to take o

pass the torch on so that I construct

All right, Having

a having a hammer, inner here, having a tide hammer time.

Uh uh.

It says here Todd is a

carry. My writing.

Taj, I haven't had a habit of head to toe

Horace horse. Yeah, uh, I'm a whore myself. My son sign is Ah, Horace, I good on the inside. I wear goggles on and I'm gonna be unceremoniously traded to the Orlando Magic in around 1994 95.

Says here Todd loves a short walk down a dumpster filled alley as well as a romantic candlelight dinner at the end of that alley.

Somebody raised both my eyebrows for May. I can't seem to get them up here. Hubba

having a

for tired. We get a bid for tired, Tired,

what? We're here

but I like to bid. I would like to bid. And how

much you like you Can we get

20? It's be Miss America. Oh, whoa!

America! Haman Haman America

Eyes This 20 eighteens Miss America

You got it? Big feet pass. Todd goes straight

towards America. Top a big feet past big feet. Pass, Miss America.

So rude,

Mr Eric. Want try again? Maybe he'll reconsider.

I know all the Miss America is because President Trump and I would go into those green rooms where they were changing.

Oh, we have

another big for Todd. Maybe to the Miss America. Maybe anybody else? Anybody again? It's for charity, folks. Charity. Anybody? Anybody?

Please not Miss America. Please do we have 1980 sevens? Miss America,

will you have me 1985 0

Who didn't drive? Miss America Stepping up looking beautiful.

Wow. 1985. Uh,

usually not how an auction goes Usually. Usually the person being auction doesn't rate every person

bidding. It's May. I'd like to bid $80

$80 from his America 80

five. Those your real fingernails? Yes. Past

taught again, turning down money that goes to the chair. Toilet Charity.

What did you want? You wanted fake ones?

Yes, 80 sevens What I'm looking for. She had perfect fake nails. The right sized eyebrows feet for days.

You want todo way, Miss America 2018. I have a question. You want to be bigger than mine?

She's back. She's thinking about putting it another donation. Will she make get 90?

Yeah, if you're willing to Larger feet. I'm interested.

What about may? It's Frankie Feet. Okay, Frankie Feed from show. What's up? I got water. Skis, his feet. You could get me. Oh, yeah? Why? Don, thank you

for having a real romantic connection.

Somebody turned on a snappy tune. I'm a snap my flapper doing having a snappy flappy won a bidding on time. Snappy flow. Yeah, I'm tapping my foot. Oh, yeah. God Whipping up some wind in here No time

They're having a hard time finding circles around secretly Can we get 90 from the ski Me a Todd flying around Haman Haman top from the ceiling from

Mom Nirvana. I made a classic Frankie Foot tornado.

I'm gonna get 90 90 for TOB. I'll be $100 hard for Todd. How did Usher Todd? Who else? Todd fallen down from the ceiling. It's me, You know, New Todd from Shaquille O'Neal. Shaquille Secure, secure, secure on you. Me and

my size 26 is Want to spend some time with this man?

Whoa! Shaquille O'Neal.

Todd Really bowing down to the size of the foot.

Maybe I can finally get in with. Get my general insurance. They won't accept May.

Oh, yeah, I got you. I'll put in a good way with the man.

Okay? Sold to Shaquille O Neal.

A soul just before

air for for a general meeting with the general Will value for it. Wow. What? Ladies and gentlemen, we ended up making $400 for Bill crave E 90 for Sam. Weatherman. A general meeting with the General for Todd Padre. And I think we ended up with about 50.

65 on the checks right here. Everybody for it

now, Obviously, we caused about $3000 worth of damage today with the

wind storm. May Frankie feet check out my flappers on the lake,

But once we pay that out, will use whatever is left to get those on ing partitions a little lower. So you can't see everything when people go to the bathroom.

All right, Thanks, everybody for coming out. Oh, somebody's getting stabbed in the back of the room. Looks

like O j. And the Menendez brothers air getting into it

with good health. Strangler. Oh, they killed the strangler. Oh,

an honorable crime. I'll say

an honorable crime from O. J. Simpson in the Menendez brothers.

Menendez brothers chopping off OJ's Penis. Oh,

no, Lorena Bobbitt, looking back, saying

The reign of Bobbitt. Jealous folks, Tonto. Thank you. Flap the feet froth.