They're Pine, Nuts with Klaus Kendall (Paul F. Tompkins)

That coffee over there stinks. I know. I'm sorry. I didn't I didn't switch it out this morning. I think you

I know I'm sorry. I didn't I didn't switch it out this morning.

I think you just heated up old. That's from yesterday.

Yeah. Should I turn it on?

Did you make a pot yesterday?

Last night? Yeah. Before I left.

You put a pot on as you left the school. Why?

Just so we had it in the morning. I won't do it anymore. All right, are we rolling? We're rolling I think.

Yeah, yeah, red light is on.

Okay. All right. Hello, everybody. It's April 15. And welcome to the first episode of the Teachers' Lounge, the first best and only podcast tackling issues relevant to the greater Hamilton High School community. You know, for years Teachers' Lounge has been a place where conversations happen behind the closed door. Students don't get a chance to hear it. We thought hey, why not bring those conversations out to everybody? So everybody got their-

Open that door. Open that door, blow the hinges off. Oh, that's nice. Good sound effects.

We're rolling.

Well, I'm sorry. Oh, sorry, Todd.

Sorry. I thought someone was coming in through the door.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, you know. Of course. My name is Howard Levi's. I'm your tenjured biology teacher and science department chairman. And I'm joined

Are you tenjured?

I am tenjured. Yes.

You were injured in your tenureship. Is that true?

In the final interview to sort of grant or deny my tenure I fell down and they said, 'well, Howard, you're tenjured.'

That's a funny joke. That's funny.

I think our board of I think, honestly, our board of education

was true. Our board of education is very funny. Anyway, As I said, I'm Howard Levi's, and I'm here

Our Board of Education is hilarious. Sometimes I go to those meetings and just laugh. I won't even contribute unless I'm heckling.

Okay, Todd. Todd, you gotta quit that.

I wouldn't even call heckling contributing.

Yeah, Todd, why don't you go ahead and introduce yourself?

How you doing, I'm Todd Padre, theater. I teach all of the theater, voice and movement classes and as well as directing. And for the first year ever writing the school play

You have great annunciation. Can I say

Thank you very much. I'm self trained.

That's good, Sam. Sam why don't you, since you chimed in why don't you go ahead and introduce yourself.

Sam Weatherman, you all know me. I teach drivers ed here also a little student government, want to make sure we're developing the leaders minds of tomorrow today.

Now, when you say a little bit of student government. Are you in control of that class, or do you just pop in?

I'm more of an adviser. I'm not the teacher of the class. That is Mr Thompson. Yes, but I'm allowed to pop in and just sort of give my opinion when wanted.

And now, Craig, correct me if I'm wrong, but he has asked you not to show up.

Correct. It's rarely wanted, but I am allowed to pop in.

Okay, that's fine. We have an open door policy at this school. Usually we all let each other teach our classes every now and then.

Yeah, yeah, I roll in and out, teach some movement every now and then show people how to move around. And Mr Padres theater class

That makes sense for you though, Bill, because you, of course, why don't you go ahead and introduce yourself.

Hi my name's Bill Cravy. I am the basketball coach here. And we are currently having a bad season. We are one in five and

In conference. Out of conference it's much worse.

It's much worse out of conference. It's much worse. We haven't won a game in a while, so that one game was good. A lot of people are saying that I, uh, spring a gas leak in the competitors

A lot of people. You're one of those people cause you've admitted it.

Well, that is true.

You say 'sprang a leak.' Everyone else says that you sabotaged. I mean, you can't spring a leak on someone.

That is true. Uh, yeah, I sabotaged the other team, and I let ah, gas leak go in the competitors. It's not the dressing room, but it is the locker room.

Uh, because we do have two, we have separate rooms.

Mr. Tadre has a dressing room. Fr the theater and I have a locker room.

In theater we don't practice, we rehearse. Yes, which I, as you all know I do a whole quarter on the terminology of theater rehearsing. And kind of how one would talk about that so as to sound like a professional. We don't wear clothes. We wear costumes.

Any other specifics from the theater department you'd like to inform our listeners about?

We don't say words. We say dialogues. We don't take pauses. We take beats.

That's good. That is very much. That is very good. Yeah. So anyway, that's the voice that you're gonna be here in a for the next few weeks while we get this podcast off the ground. And of course, this is Ah. Like I said, the first, the first episode of this podcast. We're coming to you from a brand new state of the art facility here. Hamilton High School was for the I like to call the Hamilton High School 80 Media Laboratory, which I was able to build with a mess load of grant money that I got a couple months ago. We're really excited to

That is very good. Yeah. So anyway, that's the voices that you're gonna be hearing for the next few weeks while we get this podcast off the ground. And of course, this is ah, Like I said, the first, the first episode of this podcast. We're coming to you from a brand new state of the art facility here at Hamilton High School which I like to call the Hamilton High School AV media laboratory, which I was able to build with a mess load of grant money that I got a couple months ago. We're really excited to

Is there a reason you won't accept that it is called the Philip Harrison Memorial?

Feels too specific. We shouldn't give one man credit for a room like this. Especially when he's just like such a hold historical figure. He has nothing to do. The kids don't care about that guy.

Well, the school exists because of him. I mean, he was the first principal. He built the school.

with his bare hands. I know that. I know that. But that does

A lot of shoddy construction around here.

We've all built stuff before. Okay. Does that mean I built I built my own kitchen? I built my kitchen out on my. Do I call it the Howard Levi's kitchen of vast culinary feats? No, I don't I don't call it that. I call it my kitchen.

All right, well, I guess this isn't agree to disagree situation. I'll say that I myself will respect Mr Harrison and refer to this the Phillip Harrison, um, Memorial AV room.

This is just a little bit of that Teacher's Lounge barbs you're gonna be getting.

A lot of arguments go on in here. Uh, yeah, I've, I've had screaming matches with every teacher in this teacher's lounge for a share.

No. Yeah, yeah, No, we all have. It's It's a heated profession. You know, you give yourself to all these kids and whether they respect you or not. You have to put up with whatever they give back to you. So sometimes you get a little heated and we all know that. And that's why this podcast exists. It's a chance for us to vent, right. It's a chance for us to take those issues that we kind of bottle up all year long,

which I have. Ah, I don't know if you guys noticed, but there's a new couch over there, and that is a pullout couch. Now, I brought that in. So we do have a pull out couch now, which I've wanted for a while.

Yeah, I took a little nap on before I left last night.

You did?

And will teachers be allowed to spend the night on that couch?

That's what I was hoping.

Thank God.

Todd. What's your home situation right now?

Well, my home situation is non existent. As you may or may not know over spring break Leslie and I continue to be divorced.

That's still happening, huh?

Yes. Officially made me leave the house on. So that is, excuse me.

And you were just camping outside of the house, hoping to get back in right?

That's right. I was doing well. I was calling it doing a 'Hung', um, inspired by the short lived Thomas Jane show. You loved that show.

You loved that show.

Oh baby I did. You kidding me? A teacher. A teacher divorcing his wife and then having sex with all the women in town. Holy crap.

We're getting a little blue here. Going a little, uh, PG 13

What would you say is the big difference and the big similarity between you and that character?

I'll say. It's partially personality, and it's partially physical. And I knew coming into it that I couldn't call myself, you know. And students cover your ears on this one. A hung man. Um, because as you all know, I am average size, which is fine. Unless you want to be a gigolo for the lonely women of town. You need to sell yourself with something. So that was my thing. I think another difference is acting style between me and him. Uh, I come more from again a self taught school of

You're pretty broad? Yeah.

You know, it's very to audience. It's very presentational, right?

Definitely doesn't work on film.

Oh, that's. So far so far. And a lot of filmic geniuses were appreciated after their time. You all saw my version, my film version. Birth of a Nation. Sure didn't. You didn't see that?

I sure didn't.

You didn't see that?

No, sir. Won't watch it.

It's not like the first one. It's not like the first one. All right. And now they've got a new one coming out, you hear this? They ripped off my idea. So long story short. I do need somewhere to live. I spent most of spring break at the YWCA sleeping on the cots in there. The young women's. That's the way

The young women's?

That's the W?

You said that you slept there and you didn't any point notice that everybody around you was a woman? A young woman. Mind you.

You know, I did notice that they were all young women and they were worshipping a Christian God, and they were kind of associated with each other.

Uh huh. You know, it sounds like you've been going through a tough time. If you need anything, you can just let us know, we’ve got you.

That’s funny we got into spring break there for a second. Sam what'd you do over spring break?

But oh, you know, not too much. I tried to try to get out of town. You know, uh, I wanted to take a little bit of a vacation.

I tried to. That was the plan was to get out of town and get a little bit of vacation.

You tried to?

You were all packed up and everything.

I had everything packed up, ready to go and then forgot. You know, I can't drive a car.

Did you attempt to get out of the driveway?

I beg your pardon?

Did you attempt to get out of the driveway? Did you try to drive? You stopped yourself.

This happens to me all the time. So as you guys know, uh, my license has been suspended for gross vehicular negligence. Multiple times. That's where you know, you, it's where you cannot control your vehicle and you are responsible

The judge added the caveat to that. It was gross in that definition, but also gross in, like, a disgusting way.

Definitely. It was vehicular negligence that was disgusting.

You've been pulled over for trying to drive from the back seat.

Yeah, absolutely. I like to push the front chair all the way up. You know, it's

The driver's seat.

No the front chair, we’ll let him call the front chair.

That's what it is, you know, I have a tough time with intimacy. So I like to get a little something between me and the wheel. So I was thinking using that chair as, you know, a body and right, and I sort of can hug the chair and the wheel at the same time, and it makes me feel like I'm connected. It is very unsafe way to drive. Um, so anyway, I didn't vacation this week.

At what point in the drive did you realize again that you could you did not have a license and couldn't drive?

Uh, opening the door. I got outside with my suitcase. And then I realized, you know, I was supposed to sell this thing a while ago. I'm not allowed inside of it. Yeah. Wow. The only car I am actually licensed to drive is the instructional vehicle that school does provide. I'm allowed to sit in the front right seat. That also has a break. But I cannot control

Sometimes called the passenger seat as well.

I, as a parent, if I'm listening to this and wondering what how come you can teach my son or daughter to drive if you have been cited and arrested for gross vehicular negligence on multiple occasions.

Yes. Well, you know how they say those who can't do teach. I can't drive, but I can teach. I know how to drive upstairs. Up here in the old noggin, I know exactly what to do.

Something about when you get in the car. You lose it.

Exactly. For me, it's emotional. I can't emotionally handle driving. Right?

That's interesting. You think? I mean, it's probably psychological. Some kind of way. You probably got some sort of emotional issues.

Absolutely. When I see red, I want to go. I'm like a bull when I see that red light. Come on. I just, You know, it's just hard. Can we move on?

Sorry. I'm sorry. And we didn't mean to tear it up like that, But sorry. What about you Bill, what did you do over Spring Break?

Well, uh, me and my wife, we went down to New Smyrna Beach, Florida. I was dying to do some boogie boarding, and as you know, they got the best waves, Um, 60 foot in from the beach, perfect boogie boarding waves.

How tall are the waves? It sounded for a minute like 60 foot waves.

No, they're just they're knee slappers. Exactly Sam. You know, a lot of beaches you gotta paddle out to get to the waves on this beach has a very steep incline. So those waves, when they come in, they come in hard, and it is perfect for boogie board and they throw out that little thin film that helps you slide up up on the beach, and then when the water goes away, you're just on the beach there on your boogie board, and that is perfect for my boogie board. So we went down there, Uh, and, uh, as you can see, take a look at my chest here. I am beat up (Wow) Beat up from the boogie board.

That looks like that red asphalt video they're watching the health class?

Yeah, the red asphalt. That's the one that they made with German prisoners.

I think so. The driver's ed video. Everyone's head gets exploded and there's blood all over, anyway. Your chest looks bad. It looks all scratched out.

Yeah, well. Um, this is what us boogie boarders call being raw. And, you know you've had a good time when you're raw.

And you don't wear a rash guard or anything. Like most of the people with sensitive skin they'll put on ah, rash guards

You wear a rash creator, right?

Yeah. Some people call it a sandy shirt. Um, which I'm trying to get it licensed or I'm trying to create or invent a rash creator. Um, because, you know, it just feels good. It feels like, you know

You really think there is a market for that out there.

I mean, considering the boogie boarding community and, do they want rashes? Yes. Yes, I think there is. I mean, the competitive boogie board community is, you know a worldwide 18 people. So, I mean,

I have a question. What is it about boogie boarding that's so exciting? Opposed to like surfing something like that? Is it the rash that you get or is it more about the style of moving in the water when-

It's really just being on your belly on a Styrofoam board close to shore. You don't gotta worry about a shark or anything. And it's just exhilarating when you come down and you are slapping on that water and your neck is like a rag doll. And you're going OOW!

That's fun.

Um I love it and I'm beat up. I'm beat up. I mean, you could see the bruises. You can obviously see the neck brace I'm wearing.

I didn't want to say anything. I didn't want to be rude and mention the neck brace.

I should have maybe started with the neck brace.

Now, is that something I can sign? Can we get that going where we also

I mean, look at the back. That's my daughter's signature right there.

Oh, she can barely write

Yeah it ended up, it did end up looking like a swastika on accident. I said, make what you want, baby. And, as you can see, I whited out a couple of the lines.

She's 15 now, so she's either illiterate or a bold racist, and you decided to go with illiterate.

That's what I'm pushing. She can't read or write.

My question is this, my question for you is this Bill, really. Honestly, uh, not to gloss over your racist daughter or anything. But my question for you is this. You had your whole basketball team running drills all spring break long, and you weren't even there for one day.

I put them on a time, a timer, and I said you guys were gonna run suicides until I'm back from New Smyrna. And, um, you know, probably a lot of them left because they knew I was gone. But over half of them were still there running when I got back on. And I'm tough on my team, you know? I mean.

Some people say you're so tough on them it makes it hard for them to play well, because they're scared of you or they don't necessarily give their all because they're afraid of repercussions.

Take, for example, in the last game, uh, when I pulled Luke’s pants to the floor underwear at all, and I spanked him.

Let's take that as an example of your behavior.

Was that too much? (No) That's what I think. I mean, you saw his behavior. He would not. He thought we were in a zone defense. We had obviously changed a man-to-man, and I just you know.

I think word around school from a lot of the parents and sort of the boosters is that you don't really understand what the actual goal of the game. You want them to be in really, really good shape and listen hard, but you're not really telling too much about how to shoot or you know when to pass screen away things like that.

Yeah, I am focusing on a lot of the wrong things. In practice, we don't shoot.

Why is that? Because you're a basketball coach.

Well, I want to. I want to really focus on one thing at a time. Okay?

We want to start with the fundamentals, and that's running. That's getting yourself in shape. That's moving from side to side. That's jumping. So. I've not allowed balls on the court.

So you sweating them like a Crossfit?

Well, I mean. Yeah,

And that’s your five year plan. When do they start shooting? If I'm a freshman on your team.

You will be a sophomore in college before I get the balls out.

I feel like that might not be the best. The best method to create a winning program.

Listen, you just gotta to get the fundamentals.

How did y’all win that one game, by the way, I missed it. I haven't seen any of your games this season.

Oh, well, the other team all went to the hospital because of the gas leak and it was called. No. It was called at the half after the half.

What was happening for the first half?

If I remember correctly, the team had already gone to the hospital and you were still down 42-28. You were scoring on the wrong baskets half the game.

Well, yeah, I, uh we did, the other team was sent to the hospital, and we did decide to play another quarter against no one. And my, and my team did quickly score 13 points on the wrong goal, which was a fluke, because I haven't even introduced balls to them. Um, so, uh, it was especially humiliating.

It's interesting that the state athletic department let that happen. I'll be honest.

You know, I think they're kind of going in and trying their hardest. Yeah, you're clearly trying your hardest out there. You got a red face every game, and, you know, if someone's trying-

That’s because I drink heavily before the games.

Well, red face is a red face and I think people like that.

Not that anyone was asking, but I did, I did want to let you guys know that I took my spring break to finally file that paperwork to run for mayor.

Congratulations. I think finally things are getting changed in the city.

Yeah, you know, you hope you hope you can you know, you go into these kind of things, thinking that you're going to be the great savior of the county. But who knows? I'ma do my best, though. Took a long time to do all that paperwork, though.

You’re kind of alone on it, right. You're just filing and running from here by yourself.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No support system. I have yet to find someone who will be a campaign manager. My family is opposed to the idea. Uh and, you know, I've been searching for supporters around town. Everybody I've said, went to the grocery store told the cashier I was running for mayor, and she said, I don't know why you told me that. Yeah. Nobody seems to care, you know? And I think I'm the right person for the job. You know, the incumbent mayor of this city is just ran it to the ground.

We know you're a teacher. We know you're responsible in that field. What would you say? A couple of your running platform?

My running platforms. Ah, well, first of all, no driving after 6:30 PM. Yes, just get those roads clear so we can all go for walks.

For walks at night? So you specifically want, it's not like a, observe the sabbath every day.

No, no, no, no, no, no. It's just to get those roads clear so I can go for walks at night.

So you wanna walk in the middle of the street?

I don't. Yeah, you know what? You want to just be able to kind of walk around blindly and not worry about a car?

Not every platform is going to be popular.

No. Right. And that's a tough one, you have people love to drive.

How many times have you been hit by a car?

Oh God, uh, you want, you want to know how many times have been hit by a car and the person has admitted it or like, do I include hit and runs? (Yes. Yes.) Okay, so I'd say probably 15.

How many people have admitted it?

How many people have admitted it? Seven. Seven people have, like, sort of stopped when they hit me.

You know, not really bad till you're hit by your own car. (Oh, no. What?) I was, yeah, I was in the drive through at McDonald's and I had gotten out because I dropped a couple pennies. You know how a penny hits the floor and it rolls, you know? So I'm chasing this penny and unfortunately, the path is right in front of my own car. I had forgotten to put it into neutral or park, so many choices. Just don't leave it in drive, right? Well, there you go. I left her in drive and boom right over the old leg.

Uh, wow. Good grief.

Well, your legs still looks bad.

It's too bad you weren't up for tenure when that happened.

I wish. I wish I could be tenjured. Are you kidding me?

We're in a city with the world's biggest Kia Soul manufacturing plant. How do you think that will affect the constituents to have such an anti-driving policy?

I'm not. Now. I'm not anti-driving. Of course. The other side of my, my platform is that I believe more people should be driving before 6:30 I think we need to increase congestion, on our streets to slow people down. I mean honestly, guys, most of my platform revolves around the fact that I have been hit by cars for all my life. Yeah, over and over again. It seems so. Most of my platform does, in fact, revolve around sort of making the roadway safer for me and for people like me who are sort of prone to auto collision.

collision. Well, every politician starts by doing a bunch of things that are good for them, and then they try to broaden it out and hope that it affects more people,

Right. Yeah. You know, And the impetus for getting in was was selfish. I'll admit that it was selfish, but once I've sort of laid the groundwork for my personal platform, I'll start thinking about other people, start thinking about ways that I can better other people's lives in this town. You know, maybe finally, uh, open up a post office.

And maybe we could finally put out the supermarket that's always been on fire.

You know, I would say that that sounds like a good idea, Bill, but I'll tell you this. That is the single biggest tourist attraction in this city.

nd can I tell you this, best meat department you're gonna find, the best. I mean, you're not going to get tri tip like that anywhere else. I mean, it is always going on.

Yeah, that's true. Todd. You all right?

Are you taking a pregnant pause right now? Is that a beat?

That was a beat for drama. Very dramatic before I was going to tell you. It's very good meat.

ow. I mean, that was amazing. We said almost the same thing, but yours hit so much harder. Guys. I feel like we're talking about ourselves a little bit. Let's, let's, let's move on to the podcast.

I had a segment plan for today that I would love to get you all the way in on a segment I'm trying to call teacher's pet peeves. We're gonna kind of do periodically where we talk about those little things that just get on our nerves. Teachers. Right. For example for me is when the kids start giggling when I start talking about the human anatomy, if you know what I mean. Yeah, okay.

Are you talking about lungs and

No, no, Bill. Of course they don't. They don't laugh at that.

I say lungs look pretty funny to me and stomachs, and it's all piled up on What are you talking about?

I think we all get it. I think it's pretty weird that you're missing what he's talking about.

Are we talking about a gangly skeleton bopping around the room. That's hilarious.

Well, no Bill. I'm talking about penises and vaginas. You know that section of the curriculum where you gotta start talking about stuff like-

That's not funny.

That's what I think. I don't think it's funny either, you know? So it bothers me when these kids can't stop giggling. You know, it adds 15, 20 minutes to my lesson plans. When I got the ship in order, you know what I mean? So it gets pretty frustrating. You got anything else, you know?

How much giggle time would you say you're losing in every, you're saying about 20 minutes of every 50 minute class.

On a good day, I'm losing 15, on a bad day, 20-25 of a 45 minute period.

Is it because is it because you draw little faces on the genitalia and stuff to make it less scary? You give them little character names and you have him play out little scenes as Mr Penis and Miss Vagina.

That is the truth of what happens in my class. But I can't tell you if that's the reason they're giggling or not. They don't say I'm laughing because this is the way you choose to teach this.

I think that's relatable. I think that's a great way

I do it to make it less, you know, makes it less foreign it. It's like, Oh, that thing's got a face I can, uh, can relate.

Yeah, I think relating to kids is good, You know what I mean? That's one of my pet peeves. To be honest, when I try to break it down and really get close with a kid and they say “You back off, you get out of here, you get away from my car.” You know, it's like that's my pet peeve.

What are you doing so close to their cars? Sam.

Just getting tips. I'm just walking up to them and sort of, you know, these kids are at ease because they’re new drivers, they haven't seen sort of the horrors that come with driving after years and years. Like I have, right? So they're so relaxed. And I'm just trying to get back to that place. So I'm trying to relate to them.

But you're spying on them driving, trying to learn.

I mean, if sitting in their backseat under a blanket is spying, then yeah, sure. I guess you could say that. But I think I'm observing.

I say that is spying.

Okay, Well, I guess my pet peeve is invalid then.

No, no, no, no. That's not what-

Put that glass down, don’t throw it. All right.

That's another thing we gotta talk about. Sam. You getting your temper in check, my friend.

Oh, really? Yeah. Really? Because I have a temper.

Yeah. Listen, now you're talking to me, right? Come on now. You're right. What about you Todd, you got some?

um, I got something. Yeah, I think it also goes with, I think it also goes to the students complaining about something I'm doing. It's unfortunate, you know, I wish they wouldn't do something themselves.

Are you saying that this is all, these are things that all of our things have been things that we do to the students, that we have a pet peeve about.

I’m with him, I mean, we're the adults.

Yeah, we could do what we want. That's the point of view all the students have to follow along and so my complaint is a lot of students when I presented the play, which, as we have not announced yet, this is kind of a big announcement, but it's gonna be a six hour drama about my life, kind of in the style of Angels in America. It's gonna kind of it's gonna be very realistic to what I have experienced with my divorce. And my children not speaking to me and the whole Hung thing. And the students have kind of said a lot recently. 'Can't we do something fun that other people recognize?' Okay I said, well, hey, Hamilton had to do Hamilton when nobody knew what Hamilton was.

Okay, everybody knows those people were though. In Hamilton.

I had no idea who most of them were.

Really none of them?

No. I knew, I knew well we all knew one of them from the milk commercial, obviously, but beyond that, nobody knew these guys unless you were some sort of American his- AP American history's proctor.

And I think there's a good point because you are supposedly a theater official. I mean, you teach theater. So if you don't know who these famous guys are there's a problem.

Absolutely. If in the theatre world there's not been a play written about Alexander Hamilton yet, or those other fellows whose names I can't remember because they're not in the title of the play, then I'm not gonna know who those people are. Okay? Agreed.

And so your pet peeve is the student is complaining about having to do your play.

Also, it's pretty heavily. The dialogue's pretty heavily written for me, and I think the- Yeah, I'll be in the play. I'll be the, It'll be the first teacher directed and starring performance that are high school has ever done.

And it would. I've seen this script and I would, I don't know, a ton about theater, but I would characterize it as a one man show with an audience, an applauding student audience.

Absolutely. That's correct. A one man show is in the title, so I don't know what the first half is gonna be yet, but I know it will be “something colon a one man show”.

Listen, I've walked past the theater from the outside and heard some of the screams, and it sounds amazing.

Thank you very much. And I think the students are learning a lot. The students are learning a lot from me. And I'm learning a lot about myself as a performer, as an artist and as a human man.

Now, as a teacher, I think I learn a lot from students. Would you say you're learning anything from them?

Uh, I guess I've learned that kids love to be on their cell phones.

You just learning that now, Todd? Good grief, son.

Well, yeah. As you guys know, my children, uh, we could not afford cell phones, so they didn't have to be on.

Your children are very poor.

That's right. Well, they’re cash poor.

They do own a fair amount of land, but you won't give them any money.

No, I won't give them any cash. And if they want to liquidate their land, that's for them. Okay. That's not my decision.

Yeah, I saw I saw your daughter meeting with a real estate agent at Starbucks downtown the other day and she was ill equipped.

Agent. I hope the agent was ill equipped.

No, she was ill equipped.

Oh, well, that's not like Mary. I mean, she's 10 years old, for God's sake.

Yeah, I don't think she knows what that land is worth. And I think that real estate agent is in fact, a con man trying to take her for all she's worth.

It wouldn't be the first.

Good God Todd. Well.

Well, I have a pet peeve. It is for sure about the students. I am tired. As you guys know, I teach Spanish. Um, and I am so tired of the students raising their hands and saying, Mr. Cravy, you teach Spanish. But you only know one word in Spanish and that's bueno.

Oh, you're tired of that. Why don’t you just explain to them why you said this?

Oh, yeah, that's a good solution. Explain to them the reason, which is that you didn't want to be the Spanish teacher at this school. You wanted the basketball coach.

That's exactly right. But as you guys know, I used to coach for NCAA and I was fired.

No team specifically you kind of just coach whatever team would have you for a minute.

You were kind of like an NCAA coach.

Yeah, I floated around, but on the final team I was on, which you all know, I was fired for a violent on court outburst in which I got very angry. And I marched into the cafeteria, which is adjacent to the gym, and I found a full tray lasagna and I threw it in one of the referee’s faces and it was hot and it burned his face. And then I was fired. But I still have that clout. Although I am not currently great at coaching basketball, I come with a pretty high salary. So they did have to fire the Spanish teacher. And I had to coach- I mean, sorry, not coach. I don't coach Spanish. A teach Spanish.

Uh, you should take my theater class.

I know, right?

But I don't have one about Spanish. So, you know, uh, what was that thought process like? Because I think one thing we all have in common is we've all seen red and done something that we regret for the rest of our lives. For you. What was that thought process on the walk to the lasagna and the walk back? Because that's not a short march. It's not like a high school campus. You were on the University of Michigan campus.

That’s premeditated.

That's exactly what happened. There was, no they don't serve lasagna during a game. I brought in lasagna because I said, if anything goes down with any of these refs, I am throwing a full plate of lasagna in their face. You know, if they made a call against my,

Can I just say something? I think if I'm just listening to us and you know, we're all here to be friends and sort of better each other, right? Yeah. I think we all got a little bit of a problem with anger, You know what I mean? I think that's something we could work on.

Yeah, I think we could all, I mean, that's what theater is very therapeutic for me, I don't know if basketball is therapeutic for you. Or politics is therapeutic for you or

It's an outlet. We all have an outlet.

Yeah, everybody needs an outlet. For me, this is almost like another outlet since my therapist got a restraining order against me. It's nice to be able to talk about something else to other people.

Yeah, exactly. Well, guys, uh, I think it's time to move on and introduce our guest for today, huh? Really excited today. We, we’re gonna have guests on the podcast here and there. And we're really excited today. We have your your shop teacher. You are all familiar with him. Of course. This is Mr Klaus Kendall.

Hey, thanks for having me on the show, it’s good to be here. Good to be away from those kids, right?

You still got on your shop glasses, Klaus.

I never take them off because safety first last and always like the great Barry White sang so long ago. Is that one of his?

I'm not a big Barry white fan, but it does sound romantic whatever.

You gotta check out Barry White. His stuff is so good, you know, he's got a real deep voice, and he just sounds like, uh, you know, just like, uh, like sex all over the place. You know, people love it. It's, it's great. Puts you in the mood, way. We can talk about this stuff, right? There aren’t any kids around.

I mean, I think kids can process things much deeper than what we allow for them.

I don't like that. And I wish they wouldn't do that because a lot of times I’m standing up there in class and I want these kids, they're working on a lathe there, whatever. They're trying to whittle a goddamn birdhouse. And I just want to talk about grown up stuff. I want to tell them what it's really like. And, and part of it is, I know they won't understand me. That's why I like it. But I'm not allowed to do it. But you're telling me, like this idea they could process stuff we don't know about. I don't like that idea,

I think. Have you ever watched any of the films of Wes Anderson?

I've seen two of them.

Okay. Uh, well,

Ocean's Eleven right?

Uh, no, I think that it's well, uh, no.

Ocean’s Twelve? Ocean’s Thirteen?

Have you seen all three of those?

Actually I saw 11 and 13. Okay, I sat out 12.

At 13, did you understand what was going on? Essentially.

Yeah. It's like it's Las Vegas, and, uh, they're like, we want the money, but we don't like to, you know, get it the regular way. So let's steal it.

Yeah, you got it. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah. We’re here to talk about your problems. All right? If there's anything that's bothering you, you know, I'd say that this is what the Teachers' Lounge is.

Absolutely. Yeah. Teachers getting together and talking about what's on their mind because there is something specific maybe that's been sort of burning on you that you wanted get off your chest or anything.

You know, a lot of these kids they don't respect wood, you know, they treat it like it's just like a hunk of something. And it's like that used to be a tree, it was a living noble thing. Yeah, I feel like trees. Trees are like, uh, like royalty on this earth. You know, they've been around forever. And when we ought to respect him and I try to encourage the kids to say a little prayer before they even pick up a piece of wood and say, thank you very much. I appreciate it. Thank you for your service.

I was actually gonna ask if the teachings of the church you started have sort of filtered into your, your woodworking, the church, the church where you sort of worship nature and things like that.

Yeah, I started a druid church over on, uh, Elm Street of course, and, uh, it's going great. We’re up to, like, 10 people now, and we just worship nature and Mother Earth Gaya and we’re nude a lot of the time. Well, we're not nude. We gotta cloaks on, you know, And we're doing, we're constantly doing rituals, and it's and it's great, you know, it is wonderful feeling of being connected to the planet.

I have seen you in your cloak. Um, and

Why didn’t you say hi?

I feel I was a little bit taken aback because you guys were nude a lot, and I've heard that, and I would not even really consider that a cloak. That's a short shirt. Um, so

Well it’s brown, so it's like, you know, look, look colored.

Yeah, it is cloaked colored, but it is just a too short shirt, and I could,y ou know, I could see everything you're working with, Klaus. And I just I couldn't face you. I couldn't say, Hey, I'm sorry.

Well, I mean, look, cloaks are hard to find, like the real top of the line one's Jesus. They’re with the sky for these things, right? It's like I'm on a teacher's salary over here. I can't afford to get, like, fuckin Gandalf level quality. I'm just looking to have a cloak that I could do worship in and, you know, help add some pomp and circumstance to the rituals and everything. So I'm like, looking through my closet. But but But but But I got a brown shirt. Great. I haven't I haven't worn in a while. It doesn't fit as well as I thought it did.

On of your members was just wearing a vest. One of your, a brown vest, almost the same color as you.

I just think it's great that you're one of those kind of guys who can just sort of make something out of anything, you know? Sure, you're on a teacher's salary, but you work with wood. I mean, your house is gorgeous.

Thank you very much. I built it all myself. I built it from the ground up. The foundation is wood.

You put a big piece of wood on the ground. Big, huge.

I made essentially a foundation from scraps that I got at the lumber yard. Some stuff from the dump. People throw wood away in their garbage. That's ridiculous. There was ridiculous.

There was a City Council meeting because a lot of your neighbors suggested that maybe that house was, I think they used the word tinderbox, could go up at any time.

And we don't want another building that could just be on fire all the time. And if we don't have to-

Trust me, if my house burns down, it's not gonna be slow. Here's the thing. My favorite wood to work with and, I tried to press its on the kids, is dry wood. I love a nice dry wood. Wet wood. Something about it sickens me, you know, to the touch gets-

May be a little slimy?

Thank you. You know what I'm talking about? It gets slimy, and that's more like, animals, which I despise like a frog is slimy. You know what I mean? Like, here's the thing. When it comes to nature, I like the stuff that grows out of the ground. I like the stuff that falls out of the sky. I can't abide an animal. God, I hate them. We have people. Why do we need animals?

In my mental definition? When I thought of a druid club, a nature loving worshipping club, that they were open minded. People that loved everything about Mother Nature.

We’re reformed. It’s specific set that we split up. I mean, there's a lot of obviously, the main teachings are all there, but there's some stuff we don't agree with. Like fucking animals. Who needs them? Mother Earth provides us with plans to eat. So why do we need dumb cows running around?

And that's the thing that you do. You thank the wood before you eat it and you curse a steak before you eat it, right?

That's right. I'll silly a steak to prove a point. And I'll look at that steak and I will say 'you had this coming'. I'm glad, I'm glad I'm not even gonna enjoy this. See, you died for nothing, and then I chew and make I make noises like, like to really insult the steak. And then, I just say, eat a piece of wood and I'll say this will be difficult but worth it. Thank you, Mother Earth.

Klaus, can I ask you a question? Is it loud in your classroom?

Sam, let me tell you something. Between the noise of the saws and the prayers. It's deafening in that. But you’ll think you are on a, on a subway station or something, you know, or like. That's not a good example. What's, like, a noisy place where there's, like machine noise but also talking.

I think you had a perfectly with the subway station.

I don't know because people didn't, they don't talk that much while they're waiting for the subway.

Like a construction site.

Construction site! Because you got the noise of the machines and then you got the construction guys like 'what’s in your lunch pail? Let's harass a lady', whatever.

Yeah, my dad worked construction and every day he would come home and tell me what was in everyone's lunch pail.

It's a conversation, you know, when you're at work you want, you want to find out.

And they do get a full consensus from the whole crew before they do harass a lady.

It’s votes. But it’s lady by lady basis, see what they got to go. Gotta go fast because she just walking further from the construction site.

Usually she's gone before they could get a whole consensus. So when you do see a construction worker harassing a woman, No, it is unanimous, and-

It's a compliment. It's a compliment. It really is. And they should be flattered.

These are some wood fries you have here.

Yeah, but they look like real fries. It's, It's tough, right?

Well, what is it? Cedar? Is that- That's nice.

A lot of times, uh, I would try to make food out of teak, which is a mistake. It's very, very solid. That is a hard wood, great for furniture. It's not great for lunch.

You brought in that teak-a masala the other day, right?

I thought like the curry sauce would kind of soften it up a little bit, but no dice. That's teak is built to last.

So that was intentional, that teak masala was intentional. I thought someone brought in some bad Indian food?

No, you know, here's a, here's what's a big hit in class. Sometimes I come to the class with my balsa-baisse. It's like a bouillabaisse but with balsa wood it’s very easy to chew.

At least balsa is softer.

Yeah, nice, soft, delicious, wood.

Now you also bring in pine nuts. But they are pine wood whittled into the shape of acorns.

That's right. Yeah, they're pine nuts. They're not pinenuts.

So you’re saying it’s pine and it’s nuts that they exist.

That's another thing. Can you even believe that trees have a self replicating capability where they grow up to be this big, tall trees look just in case let me drop a few of these around to make sure that we don't go extinct.

I mean, animals do that, too.

I don’t like the way they do it. I don't like that. I don't like animals.

you prefer kind of a pollination instead of bringing the

Exactly teamwork.

Teamwork. So if there was, if there was a small animal that took semen from one animal, you explain this with penises and vaginas. What way? Klaus it’s not that funny. Look at a picture of lungs. Take it. Look at these lungs. Oh, come on, that's hilarious. There's two lobes on the left, and there's three on the right. That's uneven.

I think. So what’s funny to you about lungs if they're irregular.

Yeah, I think it's really funny when the body is not, not symmetrical when it is asymmetrical.

Then everything is funny because that's that's the beauty of the human body.

But I do want to get back to.

Except for Elizabeth Hurley, who’s got a perfectly symmetrical face. She’s a druid.

Is she conservative?

Yeah, she’s conservative. Orthodox. Probably the most famous druid out there.

Wow, I love that, I don't want to put you on the spot, but are there any other famous druids that we’d know about?

It's a few. Ah, Josh Malina from Scandal. Um, let's see, uh, David Faustino from, uh, Married with Children.

Uh, this seems difficult because there are not a lot of druids, whittling it down to druid actors. No pun intended, an even smaller group.

I thought the pun was whittling it down because I'm the shop teacher.

That was the pun.

Did you intend that?

Yeah. Actors one I did not. I put two puns in the sentence, but only one was intended. The fact of the other one infuriates me because it distracts from the first one.

Sure. Oh, and Kate Middleton.

Wow! So she's the last one you thought of? David Faustino came to mind before Kate Middleton. Can't even think of a more famous- is that because he's more famous to you or you just forgot?

I guess I was a Married with Children fan, and I like he does a voice on the Legend of Korra, I enjoyed that.

Plus the first thing you think about her is you know, who she is, you know, and she's the queen or whatever she is.

Yeah, queen to be.

Well, it's actually guys, this is, it's an interesting segue into our next thing-

I thought Kate Middleton was a supermodel.

That's Kate Upton.

Uptown, Middletown. Why, what if we had a Kate Downton?

We don't do comedy.

No, this is just for us here. But it's an interesting segue into our next segment. Uh, where we were gonna talk to you a little bit way. We have a segment we want to do called the cafeteria critic. Yes, it's a fun little segment we do where we actually went to the cafeteria before we came in to record and we got a full meal.

It is under that, uh, little blanket there.

Is this a Pendleton. It's a really nice blanket.

That’s a 320 dollar blanket.

We needed something to cover up the meal. And I borrowed my wife's Pendleton, and there's gonna be a little bit of the food stuck to it when you pull it off.

I wish the blanket show was brown it would make a great cloak.

Underneath there you will find a protein, a starch, a fruit or veggie, a beverage and a desert, which are all options that are available at the Hamilton High School school cafeteria.

It's a kind of a blank critique. We've painted them all so they’re not the color that they are normally. So you don't know what it’s gonna be.

But the shapes?

The shapes are the same.

And disregard the paint flavor. We really want you just

Oh, so it’s actual pain. So you like me to eat this paint soaked food?

I mean we want we want natural, real-

Make sure there's no fries.

That's fair.

So we basically want you to just take a bite of each item. Uh, let us know what it is and sort of how you feel about it.

All right, I'm gonna go take a bite of this thing. Looks like it looks like it's shaped like a salisbury steak. It's green. It's like a forest green, which I don't mind. All right, let's take a bite here. I’m trying to forget the paint. But it tastes very strongly of paint. Okay, that's interesting. Cool. It was tough to swallow.

What would you say it was because of the toughness of the food item?

Consistency wise, I've had tender cuts of meat, but in terms of it being drenched in paint, that made it very hard to swallow. Okay. Every, every. I felt like every physical impulse, was trying to reject this thing, but I persevered and I got it down.

Okay, it's for salisbury steak friday, Klaus Kendall says go ahead and have that steak, try not to cover it in paint.

Yeah. I mean, if you're not gonna soak it in paint. It's probably okay.

And if you see to the right, um, we have another forest green item.

Yeah, these look like little barrels, I’m gonna say tater tots.