Burning Questions with Janitor Eddie Klueger (Paul F. Tompkins)

classes out. And Carl?

Uh oh. Pull out couch back.

Oh, yeah. Scared. This is

going, uh, let's clean up this the

same exact one. Or is this a replica?

This is a

replica of our first pullout couch. You know that you were sleeping on for a little while, right? Those were the bad days. That was about whether bad days

things were better. Now, though, it's, you know, you

know, I don't live with my wife, but I'm in a house. That's good. That's good. Yes, Graham. But now this is pull out. It makes me want to sleep here again. I've been eventually been poorly. I've been on a one of those mattresses, this space ones space technology. Yeah. That's

like the ones

you have a foil space taking

things that hangs from the ceiling. And you kind of sleep like a bat.

Yeah, well, no. I sleep upside

down like a bat.

Do they sleep upside down?

Yeah, Well, that's bats fashion, You know that.

Uh, but yeah, that's why I'm in one of those. And I just a head is huge every morning. Oh,

yeah. The rest. Yeah, correct. That can use you here. Do you see by hearing?

Um, yeah, kind of like a

Dolph. What happens if I do this? I

know that you're two feet away from

a wow. You weren't even looking at me.

We are recording pretty close to each other. Yeah, yeah, um, but quite the space here that we may have Maybe usedto have. You know,

now you know. Hey, and that's a You guys know. I'm I'm working on finding us a good spot to record. And, you know, we won't have to be in the

closet too much longer, Have you? Ah, so you're you're thinking about kicking somebody out of the computer lab? Are,

uh yeah. You know, I think it's probably a useless skill at this point to try to teach kids how to use a computer, right? They all know how we could just you know, you don't right now. Yeah. You could just You could just give him I think

we should turn that computer lab until, like, a, uh, a coffee roaster or something. That's what everyone's doing right now. First coffee's

what does every good campus half chill? Coffee.

Very chill, coffeehouse. A meeting of the minds.

That's a good idea, you know, and we could even we could have students do internships and work there.

Sort of Socratic seminars in there.

We can t open mikes and put our names at the top to toe.

That sounds like a good idea. You guys know I

love to hit a mike.

I do feel that way again so hard lately, we're due for a little

crucially, and I haven't hit it off in a long time. So it would be nice for me. Toe Get up until a story every time. Yeah, you know, I'm so so remember one week of other people having that moth story's title we have. I

love that one that one week, where we all came in last at the mall,

we tied for worst story. You

get a trophy. Either way is

well, they said no. The whole rules are no notes and true stories, and we threw both of those out there with We don't say right right.

Most of it

was one liners written down on a large note cards,

and a lot of people said, Guys, guys, this feels like bad stand up and we

just like we said it ISS

tell that to Mitch Hedberg. We stole these jokes from him. Did

you say Mitch Hedberg? Yeah.

Mitch Hedberg is Just find that hole. I find that whole act offensive. His Mitch. Mitch Hedberg. Well, I never said just to Oh, God, Guys. Shit. What? You

I think

maybe I just hit the button with my finger

when I sat down. I are sought. You fucking dead? No. Come on, guys, stop Every week we're embarrassed. Okay? Were baring our souls before we think they were

yours deep.

The last thing people want to hear on a podcast that someone baring their souls.

You really want me dead

right now? I feel like I want you to just now. That's

interesting. Well, thanks for tuning in to the teacher's lounge. Everybody theme. The first, best and only podcast for the greater swine high school community. I, of course, am your host Howard Levis, head of administration and academics here at the school. Uh, and I'm looking to have

a good day.

Oh, there, there, Howard.

I'm fine. I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. I'm

coward. You You need to get your mental state in check. If you're gonna be running this school, we can't have some guy crying up there. The pulpit.

It's not every day that your friends tell you that they want you to die, all right? And I'm gonna cry at the pulpit every day if I want to. Okay? I like

it. Everybody wants someone to go up to the pulpit and just give a state of affairs to everybody and a little bit of a religious breakdown of the week. We don't want to see tears. You're up

there in your you're, um you're white collar. And your schmuck

did you say you want to cry at the pulpit? Yeah. What

crimes? Cathartic man. You know, I spend my whole life we

at we all

I got up at 5 32 Sam got a viewing of Old Yeller and to get some tears flown. Guys, there's nothing weird about that. Jesus one.

Is

just one quick question. Does that make you say, because it reminds you of when your dog shot you?

God, I don't want to think about it now. It's like opposite your life, that movie. You know, it's my fault for leaving the gun on the couch

and you're just brushing your teeth. I would also say it's your fault for training him so good.

It will say use trained is an understatement. If I trained him good, he wouldn't have shot me. I wouldn't trade him well enough to be Oh, everybody knows

that when you get a puppy, you train them how to pee on the pee pads and immediately how not to shoot you.

That's just part of have I

wanted to focus on a few other tricks. Shake, handshake, roll over. He'll eat. You know,

Thio, shake and handshake. You don't just shake around.

Well, were you talking to shake weight?

I talked my dog to shake weight. Uh, that was tough. You know, I had

to immediately teach my dog. How did not rob a convenience store? Because when you

get him right

out of the

pen that walk around in there

and hold that place up. Right?

And you know, some people Excuse it if they're a dog lover, but you rob a cat person in a convenience store manager. Yeah, everybody. I'm Todd Padre. Arts and religion on campus. New addition. Religion. Yeah, I kind of decided to merge it cause our is religious for me, and I'm trying to discover myself through religion. And so that's the experience.

Now explain your

look to us right now. Where

is it? Rabbi? Pope? Rabbi, I say that See about it is I see both

motifs. Yeah, and no,

it's not Buddha. Just put on some pounds lately.

Well, you have your belly kind of greased up

and out of that and you're sitting cross legged with your hands on your knees.

Yeah, well, that's my most comfortable position,

but the way you're dressed

I was on an oily slips. Wait,

You got up this morning to do slip inside? Yeah,

we all cry different ways in the morning. I go down and oily, slip and slide.

Well, that's good. You know, we all got to do what we

gotta do to come to school prepared. I get that. Yeah, Well, um um muzzle toff and a blessings

and good bye Muzzle topping. Arrivederci to you and everybody out there.

Don't Don't even don't you just yet. We still got a little more time on the podcast. Yeah. Don't a Reba dare Che? I know you are very bad there, j but do we didn't mean it.

Stay right. A river there. Check. Um hi. My name's Bill

Crave ee. Ah, I

am running the athletic department here at ER Levi's. Well, we

probably should clarify Levi's for a one for a one. Isn't a Levi's for a

one. Levi's presents for a one gene swine high school for 01 is not Ah, cut. That, um, exists in the Levi's line. But

yet it's on. It's on the customer way. Should clarify that the school is sponsored by whatever the newest cut of Levi's. Yes, is, Then we

actually Levi's was nice enough to let us design our own because we've all been trying to fit into the 50 ones and 48 fours our whole life. And our body types just don't really, um, work. We have big wastes. No buts. My knees go inward. Your knees My knees go in with my legs. Look funny in those five

01 Yeah, Joe, you walk around. You would be Bob Fosse's dream. Really? Yeah. Why's that? All his dancers put their knees in words. Okay, way All want to be Bob Fosse's dream? That's true. Um,

but the 401 is actually a cool new cut that will

be available this fall. Um, it is, It's it's tighten the waist. Ah, my waist is a high, high waist up over the belly

button. What? Some people don't know. I live in this doing costumes for theater. Your waist is not where kids wear their pants these days. It is above your belly. But that's what waist measurement is.

Yes, you've got to get

your pants up over your belly button so your stomach can kind of like where the zipper is. It should be trailing down your stomach. Right.

I think this is sort of a service thing for all the kids. Listen to your parents. Yeah, my dad dresses me, he puts my pants on, and the Hyksos Rydell comes over

every morning right through this morning at 5 a.m.

Yeah, we got up early

to dress each other, and I need a little more help than he does. But he's an old man, and

so he's got more. He's got more experience making choices. I physically I'm a little bit better. But he's better

at making the choices of which close to pick out right right up to me. I'd be wearing two different direction stripes every day. I don't know, right? Yeah, So we

got the 40 ones.

They got their up over your belly button there, tight through the hip and the and the thigh, and then they boot, Cut out. Bigot. The bottom. Yes, where?

So that's the 401401 High waisted boot cuts. Uh, you'll see it in a Levi's near you soon on, and it's a it's not a drop crotch. It's the top crotch. So the crotch goes way up,

and now you may be thinking, you know, these pants are a little too expensive

at $130 a

pair, but depending on your body per leg. Yeah, depending on your body type, you might not need a shirt, so you know, you got a way that thes France are cool. You know very well it's a cool. There's a new feature that we designed, you know, those pants that zip it, the knee. And they kind of can become shorts. Yeah, she's up right down the middle. So if you want to go completely right side Lis

and that's why you have to buy that's why you have to buy a pair a pair of them so that you could have won

a bolt no more using scissors to cut off the right side of your pants. You're gonna go right side. Once we did that, we did the work for you,

So yeah, so we're

waiting through just half of a swamp

sideways. Uh, these will be perfect for you. Yes. So we got that. That's what

are but our school. Also everyone should know will be changing weekly. The sponsor will be introducing a new line of Levi's every week, every week. The school's open and

my name is Sam. Weatherman, you know me as the leader of defense and discipline faces

a new additions were

thought to be defensive is a student because the best defense is a good defense. Yes, Absolutely. Absolutely. No head of defense as And I consider myself the protector of all the kids at this school, and I rule over them and display. Mmm. But I'm also

protecting you That against outside forces. Yeah, right. That's right. Because

you you have been, um, but this morning we're building

a moat. Were you digging a moat? Excuse me?

Yeah, well, I

gonna rush this. And we saw how well the moat worked on the safety's Aaron. The Dangerous last time.

Listen, I firsthand I have seen what kind

of damage a car flying over a curb into a building can do. Okay, I've

done it. I've done have 10 20 times. I mean, I've broken through the front wall of sturdy buildings multiple times, and I know where we're vulnerable. I

would honestly argue that you are the biggest danger to this school, and the moat should keep you out, right? But I'm not going to.

I could I would argue, get argument with you again, and you'd win because I give up because you're my friend. So it's that kind of thing where it's that kind of thing. Where who do you hire

to make sure that security is top, not write the best criminal, right? That is so So

you wanna hire the most dangerous person you safe? It's a deterrent. Can you imagine

how crazy ultimate would have been if the Hells Angels hadn't been there? Yeah, exactly. To kill the stupid hippies that was taking up too much.

Exactly. It got out of control it immediately. Sometime. Swift use of force is the most valuable defense.

Yes, we used to force against people that are good.

I mean, we saw we saw

Listen, controls control. Yeah, and someone's gotta have it. Okay, True. And, well, if it's my students a steak, I'm

gonna And let's be honest. I mean, uh, the first week of school couldn't be going any better. I

mean, we don't

need Honestly, it's going unbelievable. Yeah. Howard says swimming

swimmingly. It's going swimmingly. Did

I

say swimming? Leave said

swimmingly a lot lately? Yeah, and

it is, Yeah. I mean, he's believable. These kids are having a blast. I mean, we've had. We've already had a couple of people throw some pop quizzes and kids are doing great.

Yeah, we got lines

around the block, kids. I want to go to this school. Yeah, there is. Honestly, we have a bouncer out front of the school's at capacity and there's a bouncer out front One in one is showing up in one hour. Um,

way we got people. We already got some buzz at the college is about our students. Yeah, we've

had people just like, you know, shooting over a little emails, standing outside, asking questions. People are leaving. I mean, it's it's a it's a hot property right now, guys. I mean, we are. We're on fire. I mean,

I think this is booming, too. We should also say business is booming selling

Gene, we're selling jeans. Ah, intuition. Tuition, while steep, hasn't been a deterrent s so far. Um,

we are in

the hole, but we know we know what we're doing is good, because it's gonna eventually come back. You know how Netflix is is apparently in the red.

Sure, but they know it's going to clear their investing in themselves. In their company is the same thing we're doing here. You were

spent $18 million on season three of cents. Eight.

That's right. We're producing it. We're really excited about that. But we know people are gonna return. 2%. Say wear. Really? Like taking the Netflix model? Absolutely. Because, you know, you got you have to have a draw. You know, kids these days they're always on their phones. They're always want to consume media. We have are staying up

on the blue collar guys know we still want them to each

do their own special. Yeah, we paid him 40 million each to do back and more racist than ever.

I mean, you could say we're playing on the country's theme of xenophobia and we'd say,

Ehm Afobe there's a big seam of way Haven't stopped right here in the teacher's. Yeah, we're not afraid.

It's gonna be

a purpose. Even whenever I want Zima phone. Zima phobia is at an all

time. I wake you. I was I

was sitting outside my house the other day having a night I was having a nice seamen, had somebody come up into my front yard and knock it out of my hand and punched me in the stomach.

Or you know what? You know what that means about them? They secretly love Zima. Yeah, absolutely. So scared,

baby. If I had left that seem out on my front porch, they did, they would have taken at

least team is going to steal their wife and welcome.

Well, yeah, you know, we are. We are again money. We went, he spent We spent a little bit too much money. We thought we had a bottomless piggy bank is getting lighter. Yeah, it's getting a little bit lighter and

signed the listeners. What I bought a bank is if you skipped your straight to this episode if you listened to all of last episode a bunch, Yeah. Um, we are

currently keeping all of our money in cash in a bottomless piggy bank. And that is a big ceramic pig. Things got his band's mope with no bats and grotesque genitals. And it was, uh, designed and made by my one of my good friends Slob Low Picasso. That's right. That's right.

And we're keeping it in room 302 Yes. So you know where it is. And if you want to come and take a crack at it. Let's fucking roll. Because I'm ready. Gloves on. And I got a new billy club. We also you

do security on campus, is you. You challenge? Yes. Yeah. Macaulay Culkin

is They're guarding the bottomless a piggy bank.

So good luck, Robert. Good Look,

seriously, but, you know, uh, way spent a lot of money, but we're making money right now, so we're going to be okay. We're not super. Were not true.

Not wait, that's all. That's wrong. And it's a

lie that shouldn't have been said.

I would say we're making money, but it's at a much slower rate than we're spending. I don't think Howard's wrong. We are making a little bit on the sandwich car.

You could say in the lunch line. We're not hemorrhaging. We're not hemorrhaging money, necessarily. Were slowly, internally fasting.

We're investing

and we know

that shit. Coins going to come back.

Yeah. Shit goin is on. It's on fire chances. I cannot Shit. Coin is the is the coin of the future.

That is, you know, and you've got to take a chance every now and then. Okay. We invested $33 million in shit coin on and, you know,

I don't know, explain our listeners. What shit coin is because it's are

you guys are familiar with Bitcoin doing? Explain that. No, no, no. That we all know very simple. Understand? Anyway, shit. Coin, shit. Coin is essentially Bitcoin. But instead of storing your information in ah Blockchain on a computer, right, there's a farm in northwestern Wisconsin where they write down transactions on little pieces of paper and they put it in a giant pile of pig feces. Next Sunday is gonna be lucrative. And those those transactions, I'll have value. And as the shit coin pilot as good as go, there's good as gold. And as soon as the shit coin pile reaches the capacity of the room, it's in inflation. It's an inflation proof currency because there's only so much shit that can fit in the shit coin room. Wow. Flawless explanation. Thank you so much.

Weight currently, except shit. Client. Uh, my mind, you specialty ice cream store. It was good.

Yeah. Yeah. God,

this is a great idea that will, that will. That is gonna reap

benefits. Um, ice cream is a high profit, and everybody loves ice cream.

Everybody loves ice cream, but,

you know, people tired of vanilla chocolate mint, chocolate chip. They want funny, weird flames. Yes. Yes. So we got,

like rosemary, Rosemary, Basil, You know, and it's interesting, and it

takes you guys have barbecue beef? Yeah, our Bob. Our barbecue

beef has been melting off the shelves. Uh, so please a

pope. A real leather bovary leather. I tried the other

day. I spit it right out and said, I'll never be back.

That's the thing. We don't want you to come back. I want you to come in and go.

Oh, this is

interesting. I'll try one of these because people are talking about it. We got

How are you serving them? You're not doing cones. Well, my hand and hand, right. And a little game of toss. Is it? Yeah. If you've ever

been to, like, the Pike Place Market in Seattle. Yes, yes, for the throne Fish around. We're doing that. But with your ice cream.

So So the fish is kind of the vehicle that holds extra. Yeah, So they're packed and fish, So yeah, we pack

it into the fish's mouth and then we give you all the material, and you have to clean and got the fish yourself to get to your own eyes.

Yeah, taking up most of the cafeteria. Todd, you were just so inventive and creative. Can I just applaud

you for that? Thank you very much. Businesses. Is this for you? Failed or successful? A total. This is my 14th. My polka shop went under. You're

went under when you say when under you meant bankrupt.

poking Shop

No, no underwater way. Grow the fish fresh. Wanted the freshest buggy and fresh spoke in the world. That's what we busted. And we we ended up being submerged in a water of our own making. So that failed. Let's see, my Jewish deli failed pretty miserably. Um, s so that's what I say. Seventh business. I think

you do. You just not

kosher, right? Wasn't that that was our thing? It was a Jewish deli and always served was pork with cheese on it. Cheeseburgers, lobster. But everyone is served. A T was very Jewish, right? And so you were getting the full experience. Felt. Told you. It felt like you were when you were in New York City or the Fairfax District. Israel it felt very Jewish.

And I'll tell you this. I mean, as long as you can cover the rent and the cafeteria, you can put whatever business you want in there all year. A sluggish. Okay, that's all I'm saying. You know, we have a couple of months rent free way. You know, Kyoto Red discount. Maybe we'll go red discount for now. Just so you know, we are. We need

to make someone, but the athletic department is going very, very good. I'm bussing airplane ing and Children's. They're blaming brightest.

Yeah, I wasn't

able to find that many great athletes. And the general air? Of course not. So I am working with Southwest with sort of a fly in s. Oh, um, you know Bobby, who you saw during practice today? One of the best quarterbacks in America is doing a commute. Um,

and now he's from northern Canada.

He is from northern the the northernmost part of Canada.

So he is

doing a commute. I mean, that's a huge football powerhouse.

Those North people don't pay a lot of attention to it, but it's honestly they call it. Yeah, foot, uh, Eskimo football.

If you grow

up shivering your whole life. You're freezing, right? You develop just an unbelievable I for in the field. Yes. The best football players were either cold or scared people.

I mean, think about Green Bay Packers, one of the best dynasties in football history. They play in a cold area. Yeah. Now you're fine. All

these kids in they must be exhausted by the time to get in the class or to the games. You know, I mean, even if you have a, uh, the pilot flying amends a great pilot, he's an American hero. Well, no.

Well, so yeah,

of course. We hired Sully. We went with the best we got, Sully. He's flying him in. Not private. They are flying coach commercial,

because, of course, he's still out of work pilot. And he's he's flying.

Oh, yeah. A lot of people

don't know this, but Sally's undercover Hey, has been everyone. Everyone be chill about this. But if you see a man who looks like Sally than he does and he still does, um, with a shirt that says I'm not certainly on it. And he was it's silly and he's flying anyway. Sully's lying in our guys. They are tired. They are tired when they get here

because they've got

about, you know, they have to do about a six hour flight down to Chicago. Lay over there a couple hours. Um, and of course, when they get here, there's a big security check just to get on campus.

Essay here. If you think

it's tough getting on a plane, you're welcome. You are welcome. You're welcome.

When you get on this campus, you

know you're safe, whether it's by land air. So tell us. Tell us, Sam, about the TSA security here. You think that taking off the shoes was not a night? Taking off the shoes is not the only thing right.

And TSA does not stand for Travel Safety Administration here, right?

No, no, no, it's answer a total school acquired. It's the company that is overseeing the school. They technically

are in charge of everything that goes on at the school. Actually given up some of my control to that Wow. At this point, you know, it's a government agents government agency that we brought in really make sure that totals go acquired government. It's a lot of

people from who were too crazy for Halliburton, right?

That's right. That's right. A lot of Blackwater guys. A lot of there's some mercenaries or some vicious businessmen. Mysterious? Yeah, it's the businessman from Halliburton and the mercenaries from the Afghan

War. It shoes are not enough. You're saying They're saying they're so we thought. All right, we'll find socks, too. But it didn't end

there. No, of course not. Nail polish. Take it off. Nobody has to get No Polish has got to go. You hear

that? Got kids? Let's not sneaking anything in underneath your nail polish. That's right. And I'll be open about this. The got kids are the ones that most suspicious way. We've seen the additional screening. Do not come through here with

a ah, a suicide skills sweatshirt. That's right. What in the name of these bands,

you know, suicide kills

any of these bands? Suicide? Yeah, you know, But then you like

basketball? Yeah. You shake him down, Matchbox 200

way. Shake him down. We shake him so hard that they just take it. They can't help but drop anything they're holding

or tell us what they're doing. I've never felt safer.

And we foiled a couple

plans I'll say we foiled a couple plans. You have people trying to come to class late. Can you bring

outside liquids onto campus? What kind of liquids? Uh, water. No mouth, huh? No. You know, um, liquid Mercury?

No. We allow Pepsi and RC Cola go through diet. So bad joke and worst coach. That's right. Well, that's what I like. You know what I mean? So, you know, I got a sweet spot. I got a soft spot. Any kid that sort of knows, it's good to

know that whatever liquid somebody's holding, you know exactly what it is

exactly Like Levi's stretch. She knows in 30 30 to give them now at the gift shop.

Everybody check out the gift shop. By the way, we've got a lot of cool stuff. We got some art from some of the art students I'm working with. Um uh, yeah, way also, um,

win. We are selling photos of you and your most humiliating moment of the day. There's cameras all over class. So when you get bullied or your transport to the ground,

my security drone has been flying around and taking pictures of all the rules. Goings on around campus. And this isn't

Splash Mountain, so don't pose funny when something is, someone's getting bullied.

You see the drugs, you see the dress,

you dabbing an embarrassing photo now are sticking your frickin tongue out.

You're going back through TSA. That's right. Uh, also, the ledger is going great.

Room is better than ever.

Yeah. Lester was doing good. Uh,

we Are we still

on Lee serving? Smoking hot for fetus fetus? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Smoking have a feat for future. Friday is happening. We are doing from feet of Fridays every Friday as well. For feta. Friday is I called you by your Jewish name? It's not. That's right. I've been going by Dan Ben Avraham on campus,

and it's been very

Yeah. I was going to say before you keep complaining about a serving human feet Yes, not it's pig's feet. Obviously, people

who lived a life that you would call them a pigs are slobs, rude people, anyone that's like a pig's. It's a human foot

and listen, we go through and we make

sure they are awful. Way Check this meat. We checked with their friends, their families. Were they bad pigs? Were they awful? People in the and

you guys can rest assured that the feet that you're eating came from terrible people and they deserved it. Okay, these aren't the kind of people who, like, sort of did charity work and stuff like that. That is feta Friday.

I cannot stress this enough. It is not for heat is served with pita bread. No, it is human feet served for heat, a style on a sizzling platter. You'll know what's coming by because the winners will be rushing by and the Pa princes will be happening. Everybody looking go.

Oh, I should order for fetus.

Yes. Ah, and just one other thing, guys, if you all want to stop by the library, uh, you can pick up your school issued laptop there, attendee point from three. Today through the end of this week. But we'd love for you to get him a suit. Gateways use gateways. I used Gateway like

your your rule on this Mister Levi's has been. You know what? Take the school computers and search whatever you want. Yeah, we want to know every way.

Freedom. Don't use the internet as however you choose. Yes, we'd honestly love for you to use the computer in a way that sort of if you were to sort of get a bird's eye view of how it was used, you'd get a complete 360 degree picture of what you are like as a person, your interests, your values, the type of causes you support information that could be used against you.

This'll sounds like an obvious trick for, you know, the discipline department to get get involved. And I am not

a part of that.

You know where there's a there are. There are how What's the word? There are absolute barriers between each of our department's. None of us are colluding together to sort of gain any sort of power or anything here. We're not, uh, sort of colluding in any way with anyone, but make sure you grab your computer and make sure to never put tape or anything. Obstructing the webcam lens ruined lands and cause trouble with the lands

they can drag down your RAM performance.

Yeah, and make sure that you're constantly connected Thio WiFi or hard wired Internet connection at all times.

You feel like you.

Even though you turn your computer off, it sounds like it's still running in your bag at home. It's

not itself. It's not much. Stop. Stop asking questions about There's no line on idiots. Stop complaining, complaining. Ah, but of course, there having been complaints yet, so that's maybe a preemptive. Everything is good. Everything is honestly going perfectly.

Attention, students. This is Howard levels with your daily announcement, we'd like to congratulate the handwriting and key boarding teams on their seventh and 11th place finishes, respectively, in the regional text communication championships. Your true fees will be displayed in the C Hall bathrooms starting Friday. Attention, students do

the last week's accidental slapping. All students must now announce themselves when walking

up behind a teacher,

you know? Hey, Yes, just like always. We got a guest on the show today. We're really, really excited to have him uh, you know. Ah, Peek behind. Ah, under the hood. You could say how school like this would operate. Uh, you know, we're really happy to have him here. He's a great guy. Ah, he's the janitor here at the school. Eddy Kruger. Eddie has it going. Guys, we're doing good. But how are you? I'm hanging in there, you know. Oh, all right. Here. It sounds bad. Is it? Are you okay?

Oh, you know,

it's just part of my, um my daily existence. Ah. You know, um, I'm in AA.

I'm in pretty

much near constant pain. Okay, I'm in constant pain. I don't know why I sit in here. I guess I was trying to sugarcoat it, but I'm constantly in pain. Is it like a physical thing? Yes. 1% 1

100. It's also

emotional. I guess. Prize of the physical part gets me down. Yeah. Would

you Do you think it's coming

from the inside out? Like your brain is bad and it's affecting your physicality or it's outside. And

I'm sorry. I thought

you knew. Um I know it doesn't just look like this. Yeah, I feel like I've I've burns over the entirety of my body. Okay.

I'm sorry. I was trying to treat

Andy as if I didn't see any of that stuff.

And yet you were, like, trying to get info out of me. That would only lead me to say that I'm so

sorry. I was just staring at your burn. You really were. I was I was certain looking you up and down.

You gotta excuse. I am certain we're just honest guys, we don't know about PC. Yeah, and we immediately

judge on people's appears. We're kind of the embodiment of judge every book by its cover. Can

I tell you something that's refreshing to hear? Because a lot of people,

when they stare at me, they say,

Oh, I thought you looked like

someone that I knew. I noticed the media. It was a five. I'm completely disfigured from several fires. Do

they ever say Oh, I thought

you were my friend who got badly burned. I wish I had a nickel for every time I've heard that.

So So many people have got to be like Are you?

Oh, no. I'm sorry. I thought you were my friend who was in that horrible accident.

I exaggerate I've heard that three times. Now, would you say it's not like every day. Now, would you say that

all people have been badly burned Look similar? Or is that on us?

We're just just on Bill.

It might just be on

saw a picture of someone in a medical textbook who was badly burned. And I thought it was a picture. Yes.

Uh, now, I should probably get into the specifics of what happened. Uh, because to the to the listeners, they're the students at the school here. They're going to listen to this. The community's going t

o the students to hear, right? For sure they were.

That's who you've had the most issues with students. And

yeah, this is first of all, I thank you

guys for the job. Of course. Absolutely. This is my fourth school that I've been, ah, the janitor for, um And as I explained you with the interview the past

three schools, I don't know why this keeps happening. Somehow it gets around the campus that I have perpetrated some unspeakable crime. The kids decided to take things into their own hands, and they wait until I am napping. A nap I am entitled to by state laws,

Right? 30 minutes,

30 minute rest, period. Take a little nap and the kids set fire to my little janitors Hutch there, and every school has one. By the time I wake up, it's too late.

And that's an implied inalienable right that you should be able to take a nap without wake enough on fire.

It's not implied. It's written while the fire part. I see what you're saying. Yes, exactly. It's a comfort from that party for sure, written down and then, you know. But like you would think, Oh, yeah, we all showed

up to a City council meeting in our nightcaps and Japan

and holding the stub of a candle. Yes, of course, we were all super tired, demanding, demanding that daily. Now remember how tired people used to be before the state passed that law?

People were exhausted, and now everyone's doing great work in the most part, waking up, not on fire.

Yes, now that we have a statewide si esto and also when you get up, you get three m and M's. If you sleep the whole time? That's right. Yeah, if

you don't disturb anybody. Uh ah. Caretaker of sorts walks around. It gives everybody three m and m's. Kind of like a little kid steak. That's

correct. Let me tell you something. If you wake up because you're on fire, you're

not exactly thinking about

Eminem. No. Do you still get the Eminence in the hospital? Yes. I mean, I can only speak for myself. I ask you this. You do one of those bill cups well, alone with water you have to swallow in water. They say, Look, it's chocolate, but take it like a pill can even join. You know, rules are rules. Was there ever a little bit of the candy shell? Yeah. You see, if you take a second, forget that shell is still made out of candy. They forget all people. Don't talk about the candy shag. Have the cell. Yes, I see the bag. People don't. That's a good bag. I always eat the

bag. The bag. That's where all the fiber kind of like Kind of

like big red gum. There was our sin. A burst, I think. When I was in bed with the foil. Yeah, people always like, you know, the the wrappers edible too. And I know it's not that one time I tried it and I got sheering pain in both of my jaws where my feelings are. What? Obviously it tasted delicious. It tasted just like the gum. You know, You think it's been sitting there touch and cinnamon gum for a couple hours. I tried

to use that logic. Thio eat the box that the multiple Candies came in. And also I chomped down on the display at 7 11 And but it is not edible. That's where it stops.

No, you go talk. Thank you for a way.

I was gonna say the same exact thing. So it's not

I'm glad we waited for my things. Now

I was wondering this Eddie. Yeah. You know, one time you get burned by kids is a janitor, and you go, Okay, That's never gonna happen again. Second time it's like a god damn it, dirt time. Why are you going back to being a janitor and now 1/4 time? If it's gonna keep repeating itself?

Well, I can only assume it won't happen again. The first time of course. Horrible. The second time, I was like, You got to be kidding me. But I guess I'm set for life now because there's no way it'll

ever happen again. The third time I was back to you got to be

kidding, right? Except, like Maur emphatic, I

feel like the fourth time you kind of just got Well, I guess I'm a guy who gets lit on fire by Children.

Whoa! Let's hope there is no fourth time.

Wait, We're not gonna would we got our

way? Made your We made your janitor such fireproof. Thank. We've also banned all, uh, open flames on campus for a month. Right, Right. Of course. Yeah, You're

overseers. George has got to be on

scared torches on. And the scarecrow is not coming down. By the way, can I say don't give me the birds out? I mean, it's not my place. I'm just the janitor. But I'm a little worried about the scare. Torch

is scared. What's the burned bo live? Three times,

I would say. Even if I didn't have a history of being burned alive, there's still concerning.

I understand. I understand. Expected,

but because I have a bird life three times there even Maur

concerned, actually. Answer this all the time. It's what we all want to know. Who's the burn hurt? Less.

It hurts just a CZ much every single time.

You don't have nerve damage or anything like that from all the burning.

Sure, don't I wish I did?

Your nerves were stronger,

the doctor said. This is a weird thing.

Are you quoting right now? He said that

you were. The doctor said. I mean, he was. He said he came into my

room after the second burn and he said, Uh, he said, Can I be very straight with you? And I said, Yes, I wish you would Dr. And he said He also said Gonna be myself.

He said that after the first. Okay, and then what? Then we were on a first

name basis after that, which was great after the second time I got burned alive. He said, uh, can we be? Can we talk informally? I just want to talk straight to you. And he said, Something weird is going on with your nerve endings. Where There They've been heightened. Awakened? Maybe? Well, I mean, I felt stuff before. Wow,

ee I got burned the first time I've felt okay. Yeah. Why would

enhance that? You said. I mean, it could be a sort of situation. You know how some plants when you burned them? That's the only way that they congrats and reproduce that you like a pine cone, a pine cone when it burns. Really? See. Very

horny after her first incident, right? Yeah. And that has not abated. It's only increased.

What a hell toe look like you. But be horny all the time. No, no, no,

I'm taking. That's my life. That's exits. Exactly my life. And you and I and I read the pickup artist. You know what I mean? So I go to these bars and I wear crazy. Had I I'll go up to a lady. You're wearing a lamp

shade right now.

You look like a pope.

You just throw ya mako On top of that, you look exactly like

Todd. Let me take

off the lamp shade. I would say if I'm a woman in a bar, at least gonna have a little conversation

with you about that actually is not an effect. I'm a devout you, but

so I'll go up to a

lady and I'll wear my for

top hat and I'll be like, Uh oh, hey, that's a nice dress. Didn't I see that in last year's J. Crew catalog? Nagging. And then she'll like a lot of time.

She'll turn around the screen

because you always say you save the line before she turns to

her back. Always go up there back always.

Here's why B. I learned the hard way. I start coming towards them

and they can see me.

You're not getting that award. In

a way.

It's like if a lion approached its prey from the front and run away.

That's exactly right. And this is what

this is its

jungle love. Do you? Because I

think there are women out there who are not as shallow about how someone looks. Do you

know I wish? No, no. You know what women are like. They say they want nice guys. It's

such a man, that is, they just

want someone who's not badly burned. Yeah, oh,

we want to do is take care of a woman and protect her and see her as a thing that is not equal to us. Because we're helping her. And we're nice, and they don't like

it. It's like I think everyone is a precious treasure. I

don't think pressure treasure is alive, right? So why? It's not my equal.

So I just want to treat a woman like that,

like revere her, right? You know, put a writer. I really

think one times you could let her on a ring, put her on a ring, attach her to us jewelry. Okay. Okay. Dog Bill. Sorry, but I don't

want this up on air, but I feel like it's worth addressing. A few of the students have told me that they're worried that you've been haunting

their dreams. Now again, with this.

Okay. Brief, brief history of Eddie. All right. First girl I

worked at right, Cleveland, Grover Cleveland and, ah, you know, I've been working there for some years. And then the kids

started a

rumor that I was taking pictures through a hole in the locker

room wall of kids, male and female

as they changed for gym. Right? Not true. Vicious rumor. Vicious rumor. I've They burn

me alive. Then there was a trial. I was found innocent at the trial. There was zero evidence

that I've ever done. This

kid's admitted on, uh, while being grilled on the stand. It was all just

like you were burnt

alive as they were attempting to raid your hutch for evidence. Is that correct?

That's right. And they didn't find any, Like, let's burn him alive. He's asleep anyway, of three. State awarded me

the cost of my clothes that were burned, Which is unfortunate, because that day you were wearing borrowed clothing.

Yeah, and that guy was mad because for him, it was not about the money. It was sentimental value. Your clothing, It was it was just lucky. Pick up

outfit is what he called it. And I was like, Great, I'm gonna wear that. I'm gonna brief wasn't mystery, but work wasn't mysteries. Carter. Yes, my friend. Is Mr Wow. Cool, right? Very cool.

Well, look, I mean, why he's alive, okay? He's doing grease doing better than ever. Good. I haven't heard from him a picking up girls left and right, working on another book. Oh, hey. Yes, He's nothing

if not an author. First right? exactly. Just one of those scholarly guys guys like us need to listen to. Exactly, You know, there's a lot to be learned. He's cute in. No,

I think we need to get back to the fact that I didn't think you're haunting

their dreams. Okay, so we got interrupted in the history by mystery. I go to my

right. It's always like some value was necking my story not even here, that I'm even more deep. So I go on to the second school. There's no way

I'm going back to Grover Cleveland with those

kids. I don't care that Kratch wait here. It'll be Holder. I feel it's like that school. They treated me like garbage. They literally tried to burn me like trash. So I go to another school, go to Catholic school ST Genis

IUs and I feel like Okay, Catholic school. These kids will be like they'll be Dismore. There'll be

moral. Did you say really dirty? Yeah, Not yet. No. Yeah. All right. I thought I was done. No,

no, no. I thought I was done. No, no, no, no, no. I thought I got like, a people dismissal. Not not

so so ST. Genis IUs they now

I'm burned up. Now there's a story about what happened to me, right? Because look, yeah,

and the kids say that I'm actually these air Catholic kids. They're nuts and they say, Oh, he used to live in hell. That's why he looks like that. Oh, that's hard. Yeah, I don't think Here's what's weird. It's very specific. They don't

think I'm

like that was just here where you grew up

for a while and it was so moving around the station. And I think that's the cheapest place you could find a live because he's January's make much money. It's like this doesn't make I'm not. Look, I'm not. I'm not a theologian. I'm not an expert, non Catholic fucking mythology or whatever. You can't just live in hell as a person.

I hate to put these kids in their place, but hell probably has the highest rent of all, because nothing makes sense that

it's all like, what's the worst thing? We think that's the best thing. That's hell,

yeah, well s So they burned you because they wanted to put you back in your home. They were trying to help you. Or door. They actually same

thing. I think you're putting a very nice read on this. But these kids

thought I was a bad guy because they thought I lived in hell. So they once again taking my state approved nap my janitor's hutch. These kids creep in first day, spray painted, you know, the Satanic Star, the upside down, the pentacle, Penta pentagram, tentacle Jesus all over the place. One kid wrote, Acid is groovy.

And then it's like they knew exactly what the 1st 1 wasn't just copying it. A escorted lighter fluid on me. I can't believe I slept through all this. And then they woke me, and then they burned

me out.

You know what that is

Not gonna happen to you here because our security God, I hope so good. If

anybody because to commit one of those crimes that year olds cause all burn him alive myself. Thank

you very much So. And I'll say this if any students are interested in and potentially burning Mr Kruger up like fire, maybe Why don't you research how thio how to do it on the Internet? I computers. You get what? You don't worry

about it. Just look at it. Look at her eyes.

Ee what? Ee?

I don't understand. What the play here. Just don't worry about don't. I don't like to see them try to sneak a lighter through TSA. I'd love to see it. I would love

Bring it on. What you're gonna

say here at the school? Yes. That's smart.

Yes. Protect you and the

students. I just Look, I feel like I don't

want to get burned a life again, because the last school that was the flimsiest accusation yet these kids, this is

okay. So I go from Grover Cleveland State, Tunisia's first

school. They think of taking pictures first. T

g grew up their lives, their apartment there is something

absurd. The third school, this was

like, Okay, Catholic, that's crazy. I'm not going back to a Catholic school because they believe in voodoo or whatever crap they think I've lived in hell, that whole Catholic culture with the voodoo witch doctor that lives in that fucking thing in Italy.

So I go to an art school. Thistles just Canaveral Open mind. Is there gonna be live and let live. I mean, they're not going to think they're all freaks. They're gonna think I'm a freak and that's what I tell them. First day, I'm like, we're all freaks. We're all freaks together. Well, yeah, this is great,

you freaks. Which, as a teenager is a little uncomfortable themselves hearing that from a fully burned, twice burned man. It might be a little

see equating their appearance in sort of, ah, emotional state to a man who's been burned alive a couple of times. It's probably shocking to them.

You gotta let the kids know where you stand, though. You gotta let him know you're all pigs rolling around the same Stan. We're on the same team. That's why I'm excited for the rally. I said, Look, you guys, your note, we're no

different. We're no different. And I said this to like the most attractive kids. I walked up to them and I said, You think you're the star of the stage?

You think you're so great because it's your first day? Yeah. First hour you get

with the Children in like an

assembly. This is this is sounding. I wasn't assembly. What? One by one, it was like I was I was just like, mopping the hall

than any Cuban pass by me. I would stop them. It looks like. But hold on.

Hey, you think you're different than me better than me. We're both the same good. And they and I could see their faces

like they knew what I was saying.

And so, um, these K, these kids, they start this whisper campaign that I am,

that my my horribly disfigured body is that I'm trapped in ice and they're going to set me free. So, um, this is what I like. Hear them saying they say it like that. I say, like, What

are you

you're like a woman mammoth

or something? I don't I mean, no one said that I think they thought

I was a person anything, but they think they know what I think. What Bill's trying to say is, you're in the state that was most woolly mammoth or where you find in place in a block. That's what

they seem to be communicating to make a

little closer to something like a mix of Mortal Kombat sub

zero casino man situation where Pauly Shore found Brendan Fraser.

Right? But they sort of moving, indicating that my like

the burnt flesh and the way that it looks now is that it's It's like That's like, I would be smooth underneath if only they could melt the ice chip. It surrounds me.

Ship it away. Would have been a little easier to deal with because their plan waas Guess what they did. Wait until I was taking my state guaranteed nap. Except this

is a little different.

They strap me to the bed. My little cot

in there? Uh, no. Fucked you. They bill. I wish, Bill. I wish it burned through their money. Burned every time I thought this was gonna be, like, fuck thing. They set

me on fire

saying, Let it go. Is I burned? Oh, yeah. Like from frozen.

Oh, yeah. Now, what was going through your head as that was happening?

I think I, uh, was I think the guy was like, Please

let me not be on fire. Okay?

By now, my nerve endings are super sense. And how far into school was this? This was my first day on the job. So

you were a little tired from going around telling all this visit at Sledge.

It was just after lunch. I like to take my

nap just after lunch. Why do you keep taking nap? I hate to blame the victim here. This is not your fault, is this? I don't know that I could fall asleep on campus for

Todd. If I stopped taking the naps. Then these kids win. This is my

right. Seems like they're winning. Pretty handling it

really well. Oh, I tell you what. If this is a lunch counter in Selma, Alabama, you know this is the beginning. Of course they're gonna try to

drag me off of that stool. Yeah, but I'm gonna keep going. I'm gonna keep

showing up in schools. I'm gonna keep take, like, picking up trash

and you prove it. You always relate this Thio the civil rights move. How's it different? How is exactly the same?

Hey, how am I any? Hold on

a second. How am I any different than Martin Luther King? Jr? Okay. Yeah, I guess. Not

way. Start with just with physical differences

Yeah. Okay. I think I see what

you're saying. Yeah. Now, what about the stamina? You have to keep living through these burnings. Yeah,

I can't explain it.

It's gotta be that you have to be a superhuman.

I don't think so. Because I'm always hurting. And I feel like if I were a superhuman, it would that part would get better instead of worse. But with each successive burning, it just hurts more and more. And now it's like after where I'm spending a lot of

money on clothes because the clothes have to be so soft so as not to irritate my skin. So I'm I'm, you know, wearing the finest merino

wool. Have you not make this about me again? But I can't find

my phone is. And I thought my left my phone here on the table.

I can't find my galaxy either.

I don't know where mine

is. Okay, guys, how to keep track of your phone's better, I guess. Um uh,

so weird.

Yeah. Have you seen my lit cigar? My big, fat lit cigar

I didn't know. And smoking

a lit cigar like

I just saw you sucking. And now it's gone. Wait, only second hand. Have

you guys seen my wallet? Yeah. Here. I got scared everybody else's losing stuff. And I, uh I thought I had lost something as well, but

I thought the only things lost so far. Galaxy note seven

on a gigantic lit cigar. Oh, no. But my wallet I had I had a bic in my lighter. Get a big A big

pain in your in your writer in your zippo lighter. Yeah. Baking your Zippo.

You okay? All right,

listen, I want to do this here, but, you know, there's a rumor that you're haunting dreams. I don't think again with this. I don't think a nice God froze you. Thank you. I don't think you grew up in

hell. Thank you very much. I am a

firm believer that sometimes someone's biggest problem is also their solution. And perhaps the only way

to get you out of this burning pain is to let you on fire one more time. Okay,

let me let me first

address the accusations of hunting kids in their dreams. If

I could

do that, I would appear in

their dreams in as friendly a manner as possible. And I would certainly plant

the idea that it's a bad idea. Toe light me on fire. You'd be doing more of an inception.

Yeah, I mean, I wouldn't be. I would be showing up the kids dreams and trying to scare them. And then they wake up and they see me at school

and I say like that. That's a logical right.

That's true. That's true.

Is that one part blue the

King would have done?

It's most like lighter fluid in here. Would Martin Luther King would he have like like, shown up in George Wallace's

dreams and been like, You know, we're gonna overrun the country now and you'll be the money or you'll be our

slave to security? No, he would have marveled. The king had the power to

appear in dreams. He would have been like, Hey, come on, let's Hey, what do

you see? This trail of lighter fluid leading leading up to Eddie Right now I see that it's you followed all

the way down, and it's connected to a kid. There's a kid. Poor.

Yeah, there's a kid already far away from us right now.

What time is it? It's time for you. It's 12

40. I'm so tired. He says, Don't do it, Eddie. Eddie, Just don't just stay awake. Guys. Thanks for having me on the show. Oh, no slap should just turned into a sleep. I'm gonna Holy shit.

Way more. All right, put him out with this guy. Way

Need to deal with this.

Okay, listen, everybody, we're going through this week. Wait, wait,

Rooth.