I love you. Keep You always do drum beats on your steering wheel. Yeah, that's so cool.

It's really well, I do it so that people can see me. Yeah, yeah. Especially when I'm in traffic When I'm in traffic. Would all dual role all my windows down and turn up my hip hop re out Start drumming away Or just even,

like silently just to show people you have read them? I mean, I used to do that uhm drum on my steering wheel allowed in traffic and just look cool drumming. But I have now graduated to Not that I'm the best at it, but I'm now instead, I air box Oh, really is, You know, show people helped how strong I am at the gym.

You got to let people know you get it. You were not asking.

Yeah, and I duck. It's like I'm in a real fight, and it's like I look like I know exactly I do something similar. I actually ah, have, um I sort of mime, like, really positive conversations with family members.

How do you let the

audience assuming for you have people that are looking at You know who you're talking, Teoh, I I'll either just mind me

testicular waiting.

I'll just regulate. You know, I point Lo if it's a kid all point. Oh, you're you're you're letting this kid have

You are not

letting him have it. Got like, um, correcting behavior responsibly.

If it's your mom,

you'll show everyone that you're talking to someone with long hair

by caressed your mother's hair.

Yes, that's you're putting todo I do that. I'm just queuing it for the Yeah, but that feels more like

AIDS. Someone you're dating. If you're caressing,

what do you do if it's a conversation with your dad?

Uh, don't I don't think I should

show the foulest

ground.

Uh, this is Greer,

and I just don't say a word. I just not

a raw mama.

Sloblo, uh, not open now, Like you're in a huddle here like you're in a huddle and you're getting it news that you you're not very good at the sport. He wants you to be good out. You can listen for sure. You better listen, but don't look. Yeah, yeah, or when you're cooking something wrong and it's not your not basting it properly and never taught you to do it. But if you don't do it right, he finds it to be reflection on all of his failures and takes it out on you that he takes over instead of ever teaching you how to do it on. He burns the eggs anyway, and he says you'll eat it. You'll like it. And then he tells your brother that you're really bad. Cookie, you have a good dinner. If you hadn't fucked oven for some reason your brother who's closer with your mom cooks a beautiful suit that makes you feel on your dad says your brother could never do that. And you're humiliated because your brother's great Cool. You can make a fire. I could do everything your dad wants. You won't like your dad. See you cry about it. So, yeah, I don't just become really funny. Love me. But then hey, doesn't even listen. My guest, g o Todd, he doesn't even get jokes. Okay, So

you so you could you should you That's how

you talk to your dad? Yeah, in front of people are

you know, you make shows

graduated. I used to air Drum. Graduated from that air box. Graduated from the air conversations with my family Graduated. Had

a lot of degrees.

Yes. Yeah, on DSO Now I'll just do an air cunnilingus. Uh,

you can't do everyone, you know. You gotta show everyone

I'll roll my windows down. A blast hip,

huh? OK, here's the deal. What? You blasted a Podd Teoh. Your I did Cruz

by you the other day you were in your car blasting Ah, my neck, my back, my neck,

my back and I You know, we've all muff dough. I've muff dove in the past

10. We love

it. It's good. It can be good for both parties. Um, but what you were doing did not seem like anything I had ever been. It is different when I had understood me too. And maybe I'm wrong. That may

be aware. Ever know

about things that are done privately? Right? Like how you

wipe or something. But

but explain to the audience how you kind of Lingus. Well, it's funny.

Bring that up because I've been thinking about it. Every time I watch pornography, I go. These guys were doing it wrong. I don't know what they're doing,

but it's it realized the woman enjoying it in the port.

Yeah, but that's all fake. That stuff is all.

How do you know? How do

you know about

Rio? How can you tell if if Wow, enjoying

How is yours? Differ. Um how is yours? Different. How is yours? Different. Differ. It's like it's overall.

It's pretty similar. It's a lot of, you know,

it's kind of it. It's cheekiness. I

act out. Of course, the obvious closing of the legs

very wrong. He'll close the different. I don't know if we're OK, but you're I

I'm shaming. I'm shaming attempt, tired of shaming people.

Thank you. I don't feel any of your shame, but Miami Kloza legs Yeah, if you watch. If you watch long enough, I'll get to the pecking. Um, because it's Ah, it's a pencil on the song is But so there's the leg closing. Then there's the There's the pulling pulling back up of the paper going back up from the pants. Then the tightening of the belt

and then the site, the Sion

Ara

Yeah. Then there's the sign.

Our sucker, You say goodbye and and solder because I

think that's what

I drove by. You're going and stay out.

Eso you are. You're there, right in the middle of so pre pecking

the's a reason went back to pick

it later. And then then Now you throw down some feed on the ground.

Yeah. Then there's the throw down of the feet. And then there's the

road and of those. So that's not part of the Congo. Connolly is. That's after you tell the woman to leave. Then you throw down feed for yourself and eat well.

Yeah, you gotta You can't. You cannot satisfy your lady

justice, right? For then I found you are acting out something. This I just saw the act out. But in real life, you have gone home with a woman, are been with a woman closer legs, put her pants back on Titan, upper belt, kicked her out, then thrown feed on the ground and eaten chicken feet. And you're like, Wow, I just did

Cunnilingus. That's right. Music. Like Bill status. It can. Is it good for both? Yeah,

well, you know, I'm still looking for the mythical G spot. Uh, well,

I saw you

searching for something when it didn't seem like the woman was there or it was a body part Yeah. You kept strumming a guitar. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, f sharp. Um, So you think there is a guitar chord called the G spot? And you just have to keep trying out variations

of your fingers on chords and strumming and you'll find it.

I mean, it's mythical, but I'm trying. Uh uh. Shit.

What is it? Oh, no, no. Ah, Why would live the car Lenard on you

to relieve the curling iron

on? You just remembered that the house might have burned down

and we're getting the guys. We don't have a house, remember? Okay, There's no curling iron that's been left on.

You left the toaster down. You left toast in the toaster.

Did you leave the toast about another toaster? Still depressed. I

know, but he's been getting help.

That's nice. That's nice. It's awesome health.

Why you got to talk about this stuff nobody talks about when the toaster up in his depress. It's part of the stigma thes toaster ovens, air sitting all around the world, fully going through it. All they do is do toast all day and that we don't think that's all they're good for. Yeah, People think they're only good for doing

toasts. The toast isn't there of you, but that's not the problem. Good. The toast

isn't there. Every that's not what I wonder

with a toaster. And very, of course. The toast in

the toaster, of course, has passed his issues on the Toast Classic passed down. He

tied burns it, he burnt. That is

a metaphor for mental illness. Guys,

we've been recording for almost 10 minutes.

What y Todd Tides story

is on there?

Well, now everyone knows how to do peddling us, Uh, embarrassing, But we

all cried. I know I'll ever got about that.

Well, we all cried last week to So it's fine. Everybody's hurt us cry before it's no big DEA. That's fine.

Let's bleep the crying From here on out

on If you hear a big long bleep, it's because we were crying. Yeah, if we get emotional, do not less

or we might be flatlining.

Yeah, yes,

our hearts are all in weird shape. Yeah, now that you

know about the beeping when we cry, we could also be flatlining. So it's probably that if who else turned on a bypass? Oh my. But who turned it

down? Passed on bypass.

Bad pass? No, thank you. Okay, Well, guys, welcome everybody to the teacher's lounge and used to be the first best Cinelli podcast. Pertinent issues relevant to the Hamilton High School community. But of course, we are dead. Inhale and out on work release at a mall? Yeah, we're not in Elkhart way.

Work in hell is now packed. Word got out. You can't find an open podcast.

Every freelancer in hell is down there, which is most of the free. And there's no hell no. That is

if you are in hell, you are freely.

You are listening on earth. By the way, we've seen it from the other side. If you're a freelancer, go get

a job. Does not end well for you. Yeah. Multi freelancers end up in hell. Most of a hell

is walking around Connect Collecting 1510 99 just to do your taxes. Yeah, uh what

I love I love invoicing people. Oh, God. It's good. Yeah. You want to get paid? Just invoice me real quick. What about building

your network? Because you never know if you're going to get another job. Just yeah, network full of like minded people. who also don't work.

Yeah, I love in security. Financial insecurity. Where's the next check coming from?

I don't

fuckin now. Well, anyway, I of course them. Ah, Howard Levis. Ah was a t well as biology on Earth. But now at this mall I'm working at the arcade and and things are appliance. Ah, how would you say Appliance repair shop. It's the filthiest one on the earth. Guinness Guinness approved. And ah, you know things are approved. Yeah, well, things are going all right, though. Stamp of disapproval. Yeah, that's a bad record. Yeah, but

you won the record.

I did, but it's a negative record. Very well. Dirtiest car Brit in the world Justice specifically,

we have not dirty because I have that in my bathmat. There's no bathmat gonna screeched to a halt.

There's no dirt. It is only dead skin cells and pet dander. Those air, the two things that are all over the floor and in years in mind. Yes. Yeah,

well, no with that. What? You were trying

to play it Office. Pet dander. They said there's a lot of gross animal scaling in here.

Turns out your DNA

they did a 23 and me on the pet dander.

Yeah, you're 23 in May was 50% Irish and 50%

the inside of a trash can,

So I don't know where the reptile stuff.

I was shocked by the results, but to be honest,

can disagree with this

and in another way, real quick. Disagree with the reality,

is sure. Yeah. Now, what he said originally is wrong, and we're tearing it. Just kidding. Everything kidding.

But things have been good. I've been trying to turn things around up in the arcade shop. We've had a recent influx of people using the arcade as, like, sort of a meeting place for they're groups. Yeah, uh, I've seen, you know, we've had, like, just a group of, like, a book club that met there for some reason, But also recently, the Geek Squad has been been shown up. Teoh. Well, I mean,

and these guys, I mean, they've got those. They got a similar look that excites their heads of shape, but they've got longer. The Adam Conover hair, I would say short, short, long time top.

They all wear those polo shirts that have the little rings of yellow around the

the They don't know. They don't change books. Usually. Just one

book, one book every time.

Yeah, I haven't got a real good look at the book, but based on

you

look into that because somebody's meeting in your

arcade over and over has not business that business.

You can't tell quite what they're doing, but we can feel the sinister vibe.

Yeah. Yeah, Well, have motorcycles. They pull up. Yeah, Eso I'm I'm sort of secretly trying to sort of glean some detail. Uh,

if you need any help with them, I can shoot him out. I can do whatever you need. I have been authorized to use this loud horn.

No, I think it's one of Sam's horn. My security aren't. Thank you. Grab how

you passed after your fifth horn test. You sign my past

because it's kind of like a black belt yell about, but horns and security. Thank

you. Go through a gauntlet where people pop up a little cardboard people. And if you horn the wrong ones particularly, I

feel really bad. I horned a couple

little girls. He as they would not give me my horn license while you should have

done that used the men in black defense. Which is when Will Smith shoots the little girl in the test in men in black. He says she is sneezing. So she was. The other guy was sneezing in. This little girl had a bunch of books. She's too smart

for our something could have been brought to my attention before my fifth horn

yesterday. Do you think have been brought to you yesterday? You don't remember my trial? When when I used the men in black defense when ah, little Lacy Wimberly died Um uh,

Wimberly lays the Wimberley.

I said, First of all, she disappeared. She's not dead of making a documentary. And second of all, she could have been an alien Waverly storyline. Um, with the web early, it started with two twins that were in my theater class that people claim to have died because my classes were too intense. Ah, I break them down to build them back up. And I broke them down too much, I think there in the forest somewhere, maybe by a lake. And so I've made a documentary to try to find them. Some other Weber Levi's were hit by a car allegedly driven by Sam. Right? Fire you. Are

you saying it's true now? Allegedly.

Okay, I didn't.

Hey, thought there are fire hydrants. Those air to other twins. They were dressed in red There? Yes.

So there's two sets of

women. Levi's. They're all dead.

There's more. No, they're not dead. They're lost. They're gone. Uh, they're finding them. Well, they

weren't in

hell, so either they're in heaven. Are

there still alive? That's exactly right. And they're not Dad.

We've you. Me? They don't have him.

Yeah, the wind releases a tough group.

But you got bored. I got my horn.

That's right. It was a big step. You know, it's the first bit of force I'm allowed to use as a security guard.

And it does feel May Maybe

that is the

full horn. I can't tell, but it does feel like they may be muted in a little bit.

Yeah, because dogs go crazy when it goes off, but I don't hear a ton of it.

Oh, it's loud to me. I

mean, you don't It's extreme. What you say I'm ago. Yeah, I have a dog. Yeah. So

this one

hurts me more than it seems. to hurt the people. I'm, you know, spraying in that, um

spray. Yeah. Yeah. This is a game really loud horn. You any sound

waves? Maybe you

could o r u s Senate

seat. I have our Yeah, I can do sound You

really go nuts when you hear a song?

Because you can see it Absolute. When I hear us on my eyes go crazy right

now You seeing like colors and wave forms? Are you seeing like, a movie? What do you see when you like, just say here? Um, I don't know. Um let's get it started in here.

Let's get it started in here.

That our least favorite version? Yes,

Levi's version. What do I see when I hear that song? We wrote the

original version of that song just everyone way

said we said, Trust me, you put this out in the two thousands. People will weirdly not bad. And I You only have to change it if you use it in advertisements. Super Bowl.

But the black Eyed peas actually

watered our version down. Oh, yeah. Their first version is a watered down version of our just so everyone knows. Yes.

Well, when that song

plays. I see a water park and I'm at the top of the slide again. The slide is missing and someone pushes me off.

Okay, this isn't That's

not synesthesia. Now, I had a scary dream. You flashed you when you hear a song. You know what happened to you? I guess I'm having sense memories. Are you having

a serious sense? Memory, almost dysmorphia, some type of Just do.

Well, I was a replacement angrily pushed off of a water park tower. That never happened to me. So I don't know Hasn't happened. I don't think so. Okay,

Well, may I may need you to come up to the, uh, the arcade sometime and blast that horn and get these fellas out of these. These guys are proud to They're proud to be there.

Boy, you're also, um So you got these groups and their businesses going pretty good. I noticed there was a new

hire. Um, that is working alongside you. That is also from hell. And

I don't know if you had

any doing in this or what? Tired My health stepped out. I did. I felt bad. He came to me, He came to me one night and he said, Listen, listen, babe.

Oh, my God. You call it to their

baby. He calls me baby. But I just say, uh, afterwards, Ok, so you're not there. Yeah, but he came to me. He said, Listen, times were tough. I got I got to get some scratch together, headed back into your good graces. What did he Ah, he made me. Didn't Oh, my God. One dinner you made me made any dinner. You. So you're dating your just. The listeners know you're dating your mom's new boyfriend who's very misogynistic towards your mom,

and that's what you connect with him.

And you can be confides in you his nasty desires to her and that in you like that. I don't like it, but I tolerate it. It's it's a it's a double Kuck or something like that, cause it's its ancestral. And listen, he and I have we do not have a physical relationship are we were sure

way Don't wait. You never fucked. But

in this case, we know you dio

Yeah, I'm surprised you lying about it

now. Yeah, Look,

just be

honest. I don't fuck my health. Stepdaddy! Guys,

what I got him on

Johnny for. Please don't tell me it's just fun. Something crazy for your mother. Well, and you're helping them get the money. He Well, he says that He says that they've got this really great idea and all they need is 15 grand. Yes.

Who's that?

He and my mommy. What's

Oh, they're trying to get a business off. It

sounds well, I'm hoping that they have more than Lindsey said he'd give me about. It

hurts, wins. I well, at home. Yeah, hopefully is not Well, he said. She's already fronted 45 grand and another 15 hurt out to 60. Heard they get their business off the ground. And I don't want I don't want to hurt my mom in this case,

So I'm helping me. The business and it is it her expense. Unfortunately,

he doesn't. He's literally and also metaphorically right

are. It's for emotional, and it's physically it's for birthday. If it's your birthday and you want to give someone a haircut, uh, he brings your mind my birthday,

maybe kid at air and he makes boatloads off

years. Making hay is she only has a 1% stake in this company.

Your mom's hair is crazy and you're funding it. I will.

You are behind your mom's humiliating. She was a hair model. He had a hair

model on earth. I know, but, you know, I'm choosing to look at it as a positive opportunity for

her because, you know, she'll get to interact with people more. Dan Howard interact with Children while they chop up our beautiful A on earth. How she loved kids. Okay. I don't want I don't want to stand in the

way of my mom. I'm

gonna talk to

her about it eventually. Much What?

Nothing. Wow. She

loved me that

much. Well, unfortunately, there's another part to the business. Also,

you talk about

this part. Todd knows

there's an extra part of the company that he pitched me because he wanted me to try it. Where if you're a man and you want to see what sorts of facial hair you could have, you could chop off her hair and put it on your face in different designs. She's like a hair farm. Yes. Oh,

my mom talked about being a hair farm outside

of the bucks. Eso he because he kept coming up to me. Alright. People like

I did. You see? Oh, I b is Chris. Dad, Chris is dead and in heaven. Oh, Chris,

We'll see him someday.

Um, but I would just say Don't give him any more of your money. Your

time. He said he would bring me a business plan next week.

Do you love him, huh?

You love your step, dad,

because you're definitely hurting your mom. He's very happy. How do you feel? Here's the

thing. I am so conflict avoidant that I will create tons of conflict, create conflict for others if it means none for me. And that's just an And that's a thing I know about myself vicious. And I I am working on. And I'm hoping that by getting closer to him, I can eventually sort of breakthrough that on get comfortable enough with him that I can stand up to him.

Well, the group until then about that plan is if you work really hard for everyone toe like you, it turns out nobody cares about you. So, um, at least nobody hates you. That's nice. That's nice.

That is nice

to hear that nobody hates me and nobody remembers. That's the dream,

but I don't rub anyone the wrong way and

stay perfect. Speaking of hating you, uh, where

we going with this? I just hurdled Would come out with a new album,

please plays a day. Well, they did. And but this is beside the point. Follow my songs. She fucking hates me. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Debunking Hank. That's it. Yeah. I was going to

say you've developed quite a reputation around the mall. Big rat.

So I couldn't hear I was head back into that starter. My,

I said, you've developed quite a relationship around the mall

reputation around the mall. Yeah. Yes. Well, I have, um I made it my goal this year to try my best to make the the shows that we put on at the mall of the events. The best that they've ever had. Bridget's beers was a glowing success. Rigid Spears was success.

Who

she Why? Um I'm tall. Padre was also really great.

Padre was great. As tall as ever. He premiered the new of the Tall Padre shoes which add eight interest your height. All the kids are buying it. I

really love when Bridget Spears saying Toxic. Um, Parentheses. Ah, the ozone layer because I'm up here in it. Um, and instead of having a snake around her neck, she was Ah, covers. He was covered in like, cobweb and was like a dizzy cause. She had been walking around in the rafters. Or here was it was many layers of puns that were hard to explain as I talked about them. Way might be

bits love dio. The kids loved it live.

Got the lady.

That joke was hilarious. Lie?

Yes. Right then it wasn't funny. It was complicated. It should have been thought about before saying it, but it wasn't. Uh I will say we might be burying the lead a little bit. We gave you a hard time last week about tall Padre. Ah, we expected to show up to the show and not see you in the same location is this kid? But we were both there. Yes, Tall padre is a really

told you. It was a kid with tattoos where I have acne and there happen to be in the same shape. But it wasn't me. And it ended up being a real personal Adecco.

And you were You were loving that show you were so glued in on the show, you weren't moving up. You are so still watching that show just in raptured

and we we proved

that it was in a series of mirrors, right? Yes. We did prove that because I stood in front, I got up on stage and I and I moved a lot in front way. We're making sure there were anywhere else. Your face was bone white, like you were seeing someone do what you wanted to do or something, or you were seeing yourself in them. I don't know what it waas you pick.

Um well, you know, I don't love other people's success. Um, you all know that about me. And so if I was right, you're

pretty unhealthy about other people's accomplishment.

Oh, yeah, literally unhealthy. If if someone does something that I'm jealous of, all eat a huge meal about it on, then I'll take to drink. But, um, at the end of the day, I was happy that this event was a success, you know? And it was so big that they gave me a responsibility to do the big holiday

spectacular year. Yeah, and I just just real quickly. I'm gonna give it a shot confronting somebody with something that bothered me. I will say, when we ran into each other in the bathroom after the show, uh, and you threw water on my face and said I told you so. Over and over and over again. It really hurt my feelings.

You always run into

people in the bathroom, Howard.

Yeah, that's the thing is like,

Yeah, who cares?

You bumped? You bumped into me in the bathroom, and I was like, Hey, man, we see each other a lot, and you're like, Well, I just want you to know right now. You did a good job. Yeah. I love to shake your hand. And I said I heard what you were doing in there. I've heard the toilet paper rolled. Break through your fingers or your fingers. Breakthrough the total. Baber, I heard you go. Oh, damn.

You can hear that. You can hear that because it can hear if someone's finger breaks to show this'd at its and then you wiping it with hard printer paper, huh? Yes. Printer. Braver. Yeah. You're what? You It's all I had access

to you guys.

I've seen you

walking to the bathroom with a ream of paper, and I never understood it, but now I

get it. It's like it's like the Bray, like New York Times in there. I was like, Levi's recycled stuff. Well, I

was in there reading out of my laminated notebook and you said, Oh, you mind if I borrow that? And I thought you meant to read while you were doing number two. But then I heard a bunch of wipes happening, And

then I heard a whole Oh, you You're in the stall, but you say stuff out loud to let us know exactly

what's happening in there. I'm sorry for one to connect with my friends.

So how did it feel to confront me just now, huh? Did you feel hurt?

No, I've never doing it again.

You feel like we gave you space, Teoh?

Never doing have I'm never gonna have five. No, I didn't. Really Good job. I thought you did a really good job way. Handle that, Todd Wide. No, Todd Hurt job, dude. Nice. I heard you. And I'll change the way I'm behavior actually model my behavior after Dad. What

do you

have planned like? What's the final say whether What are we working? Well, so for

the performing the big holiday spectacular holiday in quotes is it's gonna be

I thought Holiday was already big enough. Has Holiday in quotes. We're not trying to be specific

about a religious holiday, so we make it holidays,

not only non denominational, it may be

non celebratory. There's a big banner on the Moloch now that says Happy holidays in quote so people don't consider

that time a holiday. For some people, it's a terrible time for

me. Every time with my family. It's a hell,

it's Ah, it's a Halladay where you're sitting around the table and that's like you might as well be sitting around Beelzebub stable. Uh, so the holiday quotes, spectacular double underlined. Is this year going to be?

Is it a

talent? Yeah, and Italian. Okay. Uh, quotes. Spectacular level underlined.

I think there's too much going on in that.

Disagree, Disagree, disagree. So this year I try. I want this to be the I promise it will be the biggest one they've ever

had saying

a lot because in my and I have looked through the history books and they have had a couple of really big holiday spectacular.

It's right. It's where the first ever won they did is where they Michael Jackson premiered Thriller Live, Huh? Um, he did the whole thriller. And then it became a thing.

Also, it was that it was also the same place where Michael Jackson also held blanket over the balcony. That's right. Yeah,

um, which, you know,

child blink. I don't know

what the big deal was. I've held so many kids over about I was never in the news about

it. It's crazy. You slept in a chamber to I

slept in a chamber, hung out with the monkey. But you get a

fair even though that wasn't your fair. Yes, it was sort of a Neverland

was yeah, never come back round for May.

There was also a pretty big holiday spectacular. That was that Super Bowl halftime show with Janet Jack.

That's right. That's right. That was all at this mall.

While the net grip That's where Obama announced his first candidacy for president on Yeah, yeah, that was a spectacular moment

for America. That is to say, you've got a lot to live.

I got a lot to live up to. So I don't

have any preliminary plans. Do you know? Sort of? Yes.

Yeah. I think there's gonna be a big song and dance numbers. You've

hired about a lot of performers to come and play.

Well, I've got emails out right now. Get emails out to some big

What is that? I got emails out.

I got, um, e mails. I mean, I have written them and printed amount, so they're all at my place right now on I've looked at him and I go, I have to send

that I sent in the mail. You gonna mail

of?

Yeah, I got a snail mail. Some emails, because that way, you know, people are getting it. It's more personal.

How do you know people are getting it from the snail mail? What? How do you know people are getting it? In fact, I'd say you have less than

your service.

I saw the program

of military program, and there's something at the very end. This is the big moment way. Know

what that is? Is there was a performance the big moment.

I mean, what? I know what it is. And I guarantee you

then it's confusing in their big is written really small. Yeah, Moment is long. There's, like four owes.

What were you saying? Justices Movement. Just a little knows how This

is exciting.

When people drive by a billboard, it has to be set. Did you really have to not get right away? Uh,

never understand it quickly. Yes. So you have to not understand it right away.

Yes, it has to get you thinking. Have

you purchased billboards for this? Yeah,

I broke the bank. Bank?

Well, some a lot of people's piggy banks. Uh,

broke other people's thinking. Big five Piggy bank is gone. I don't people remember our those that

didn't hear the season at Swine High School just to remind you? Yes. Let's talk about the pig.

Kept all of our cash

in a huge, grotesque piggy

bank. Yes, it was grotesque. Hands

on the

floor of the void. The generals were very, very grotesque and specific and done well. And it was made by Sloblo Picasso. No relation of no relations relation. Two pt Sloblo. Alright, Glad we got through that,

Uh, but bottomless. And I'm also I've got all these performers coming in. Hopefully I've also got a great um, little surprise. I've been working on new

play. I'm going to premiere of the holiday Spectacular. Really, Premier, there's not gonna be any previously

on when you do previews. It gives people an opportunity to find out. It's bad. Just so

preview. It would have been

good if it was the real

deal. If it was the real deal. Yeah, there's so much around previews where it's like, Oh, this isn't really going to change things. Hopefully, he'll knows lines by the actual production. Why is there so much feedback with the microphone? Where is the micro? Where? Just feedback. Well, okay, now it got

tears in the audience.

Yes. Audiences, performer, performers, audience. Yes. Um, but this one is conversations with my daddy, and the whole play is Ah, it's conversations I had we had

made. No, not for me. No reason. Do you know really you?

Because it's conversations I wish I had with

my father, OK?

And I'm also going to do a portion where the audience can submit their own questions for their father. Andi. I will, judging on the person and our interaction will venture well that

you're gonna be pretty. You're gonna be pretty choosy as well.

I'll choose the questions and judged interactions, and then before the audiences eyes, I will transform into that person's father. And I want to answer the question as their dad And I don't care if these people have accents. I don't care if they're not my race or gender. Think I'd I don't care if there is there a little flamboyant. I think I will do their dad's voice, and it's gonna be a really experience it,

allowing them be flamboyant, have anything to do

with their dad being led. Boy,

someone's always just a little bit more of what their dad waas two notches. You do the thing and I I'll go there. I will go there again. I'll do the voice I'll dio.

But again, no one is asking. That's just something you're do you have to reiterate all those things

you'll do. I am willing to go there. I I will. I'll do the skin, although I will go

there. Yeah, I I think honestly, I think

this conceptually really great idea, but don't do some of the latter's.

Yeah, OK, well,

really good. I think as soon as you put this

idea into practice. It gets bad.

Well, well, it starts with conversations with my daddy in the holiday spectacular on. Then we go from that and I'm really excited.

Just to be clear,

that's not the big moment.

And then there's the big moment, which I know what it is. Okay, it'll be huge.

And now you said

that this whole this holiday spectacular is going to be cater. Waiter Todd. That's very really say anything about the catering

now, but it will be kid aerator. So, um,

you have to have food for them to pass out. Well, it's a potluck. Make a look professional. Well, you put care of other people's food. Well, no,

no. You serve your own food for yourself, but they will come around when your plates empty. They'll still point

you with your own food for yourself. So we're all just bringing our meal trash. A potluck that's just dinner. Well, it's a five course personal potluck, your own. Of course, meal

people will be said. I is the I have had it with his holiday spectaculars where you leave hungry people will come full and we'll turn your way if you don't come with a five course meal

come full and you'll turn the more you don't bring a five course me are five. That's right. Not the price of admission. Like a made No,

no, that's in addition, because we got to pay the performers we gotta pay me is all the costumes is, but wardrobe changes. There's make up for the skin colors. Knows there's dialect training. I'm doing dialect training with the guy that did love Guru.

So why you don't even know who you're

gonna meet? Yeah, you're just kind of having fun doing off. What? It's not foot for May jag. Todo is a challenge. Having a blast putting myself out there. I'm ripping my

chest open in front of these audiences. Um uh,

who is the

guy that did love Guru, by the way?

I don't know his name. He's the same

guy that did. You could do it. Uh, you could do a guy.

Oh, you don't rob Schneider. We'll

know if the guy that trained him Cravy

trained. He's just a redneck guy

from the South who throws from the hip on nationality accent

so he gets results. Whatever he he worked with Trump. Whenever Trump works with foreigners or reporters

from doing the New York Times reporter, right? The motion?

Yes, he did the motion. He taught Trump that motion that took six months. He did. And this

is true. And this is included. And this guy on

this incredible he spent three years with Alec Baldwin on that trump impression.

Really? Yes, really So. But that's why it's so okay. Oh, I mean, that's the directed. Baldwin's seem, uh, voicemail, right? Yeah, he directed the

voicemail the co wrote is directed. There were there were some union rules, so he doesn't get a writer credit, but he gets director credit,

and you have. You can see his reflection

in David David Hasselhoff's Dead Eyes in the Hamburger video.

What's the hamburger video? Trucking leading ahead, laying on the floor started helping him to shame him for

the future. Oh, yeah, yeah, you could see his reflection there. He's in the room. He's kind of like being mimicked by Hulk Hogan and the Love Sponge video.

I thought he was in a love sponge

custom and was both the Loves funds.

No known. Ah yeah,

he's the guy

across from Charlie Manson reason when he's on the stand. Right?

See? Everything I do is brand new. He stands fired.

Manson. You know what they did? They used him for all of the acting and directing choices in directing in l Royal. That new movie that came out. Uh,

that's why it's so consistently. That movie is Osem.

Yeah, he's dressed like what you think he is when he's on. Yeah, he's got holds. You

could feel his fingerprints all over l a Royal.

But that's enough about me. I don't want to put too much pressure on this performance. It's gonna be huge, is giving the biggest moment of all. Wow, Bill. Yeah. Big week for you.

Big Big Week. Yes. Yeah. I am doing really well at bass Pro. Um, this week I was asked to be on the bass pro fishing team. Been a dream of mine. You know, I love honey holes. I love sweet spots. I love lures. I love fishing on.

So you get to you get to cast Riel, you get Teoh really meant

No, no, no, no, no. You

can't have to work your way up

on the fishing team. There's a lot of big dogs there.

You hold the net and sort of catch the fish when it comes

out. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You what? You gas up the boats now, you

know that? You know the guys on the team.

Oh, of course I'm part of the team. Okay.

You, you, You bait the hook

sometimes. Sometimes, sometimes.

Sometimes early in the year of the baby

s. So you you're the baby boy. And what are the Cal? Not in this sense of? I put the bait on the hook. I am used

by the baby

Baby boy puts you on the hook, and that's a good day.

That is a good day. You like what

you catch with

the bill Cravy? What? What's biting? When you put it? When you cast a build,

well, they'll sling me out there and I'll come up with some, like Rome or a those things that, like suck onto sharks. But one at one point I was

a shark's remora. I had sucked onto a shark and I was sucking his blood and living off him. I

That's why you weren't answering your phone.

Yeah, I have become a lot of a deep sea succubus from working of the bass pro shop. Well, I did that one time, and that was,

like, part of my sort of hes a

I didn't know you were really a loner after that week. Just sort of walking around on your own, not wanting to be very social.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, these guys, I'm learning

from the best, though. These are some of the best fisherman. Um, when I, uh they go really fast, they got these speedboats. Um,

and when they when they

go from honey, hold a honey hole. Sometimes you got to get there really fast. They put me on 1/2 hazard tube out back and they just sling my as around. They say they need it for boots. Ah, kind of like ballast year for the boats

built normally, you the

kind of guy who takes charge in the situation stand like, Yeah, it sounds to me like you've sort of taken Ah, sort of. Ah, back seat in this job. Yeah. Yes, I have. Well, I'm learning because I've I've learned that from trying to be, you know, a dictator or a king or religious leader. In past seasons, I've learned that my hubris is my downfall. So jotting them humble you a little. I'm letting them home. A me and a lot of people say I'm being taken advantage of. Be careful, Bill. That's growth. I know I don't like growth, and it makes me feel uncomfortable. But I also did here, though. You've sort of been taking liberties a little bit when you have been used as bait. You've punched fish away, but they've been coming to try Teoh bite you and get caught. And you you've actually told them to get the hell out of here. Yes. Yeah. You're preventing them from catching fish, Which, in a certain sense is is taking a stand?

When do you speak

fish? Is that what you're talking them?

No, I don't think so.

But you did put you put. Ah, Was it a large mouth bass in an arm bar? Uh, what? It was trying to you?

Yeah. Yeah, well, it's become sort of Ah, it's become sort

of, um, amateur wrestling down there with me in the fish.

I have a story line. You are

you Ah, a hero.

I am a hell. I am a hell in under sea water wrestling. You're going

down there. You're taunting all the fish you trying to get with all their girlfriend?

Kind of

Val Venus of the honey hole. So that's

interesting. So when they throw you in the water, this big drop comes in.

Hello, babe goes Hello, fishies. And then I come out

of big saxophone plays and you come out,

come out. And I am sort of a fish sex symbol. So you guys know

what fishes air sexually attracted to write fat ass, too? Fat ass tales and fans and, um,

teeth, multiple rows of teeth, lots of teeth. So yeah, anything shiny things. So I come out and I am the epitome of sexy fish. They the crowd boos me. There's a crowd. Yeah, show up.

You challenged a ah starfish to a tables, ladders and trump match.

Yes, there is a starfish down

there that, uh, he's a lot like a mankind. He is just He's like a slob. And he has a

So that's the first term people used to describe mankind.

It is a big Sloblo. Here's a sock on his hand.

Yeah. I mean, like, mankind is just Yeah, he's like the last of you know, this chiseled because he's crazy and nasty. Yeah. Hey, Bill,

I don't want to get ahead of ourselves here. It sounds like you were having trouble just being low status, even in the water on and you start you You're starting to fight these fish and take power over them, right?

Yeah. These may and accept you. They through you in the water? Sort of. So

now you're trying to rule the

fish? Yeah. It seems like my low status choice has gotten so far that I'm high status. I don't know how to improvise. I mean, I don't think

that's ah, it's old. I'm glad that you're not growing that my worry is you're going to try to change. And as a man who's changed before, Um, and it's really scary, and you become a different version of yourself. Ah, and you won't be happy with it. I think

we'll Todd, thank God you change back. Yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. My family would disagree A my loved ones, but I'm alone. Are those different groups My family, my loved one? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Well,

you always

say you don't get to choose your family. That's right, And you have chosen another family. But they don't seem to like you either.

That's right. Well, I did a trading trading places episode Trade Spaces. What is our family? My swap wife. Swap the name of the show

with the one that where they swap lives is called white.

That's an insane thing. They allowed to be the name of a show. But yeah, I didn't episode of Wife Swap and I said, I'm staying. This is the one. This one's better than

you did husbands, which

I did. Husband switch.

You're an episode

of Husband. Switch is insane because your family wanted to get rid of you. And then your new family immediately hated you.

All nine people went

No, no, no, no, no.

Right When they said

yes, my husband switch family then submitted to an episode of Wife Swap. So that wife left. And so I had a It was in that family with a new wife, right? And this you wife hated me, and she submitted me to an upset of queer Eye. And it was the first ever episode of Queer Eye where people people did not see an emotional

arc. Yeah, you were, classically,

the one that everybody skipped over on Netflix. So much so that they removed it from the catalogue.

They took the episode down, and now you can Onley get it on a pirate bay. Yeah,

well, you kept doing some pretty offensive. It seemed like you didn't

know much about the hosts. Will

say. Oh, so, yeah, I kept trying to relate

with them about about like, some guys we would see on the street or I

locker room talk There was there. There was a yas count of how many times you said Yas and it was 13,000. It was great. Not even I fit that into

30 minutes.

Yeah. Yeah, Well, I had just discovered it because I accidentally ended up, um, at a drag show accident. Yeah. Yeah, I thought it was drag racing on. And so I showed up ready for some cars, and instead it was It was these ladies dancing around saying Funny, funny, but yaw snapping around, falling down I tried to do a death dropping. I shattered my knees.

We've all we've all what time before you

lay down in a bed, it's technically a death drug.

Aziz, you are in bad shape, but doctors have called it multiple times better. Duck. You. You are, uh you are

in. There's a documentary called Paris Is Burning About the Job all seen in 19 eighties New York City. And Madonna classically stole voguing from this group of performers. That's right. And they stole the death drop from seeing you in an emergency room. Is

that correct? That's right. Well, the death drop was originally just me trying to get onto a bed in time. I was

there. It was there a time

limit.

There's a time you're sprinting towards that because you knew you were gonna time. You try to take it into the bed. But then well, actually, we don't die in

a bed. You're never comfortable in the afterlife where you want to the earth, not in bed. So any time I feel the big one coming, I'm trying to get to a better. But

the big one is an earthquake. Not your news of this happened were due for the big one we're overdue with. I've So I saw a new L. A Times

article. That is about your death. Yeah, they They said they tell everyone to get a big one kit.

Yeah, that's your bridge was nothing. Yeah, it's going to be bad.

They've been retrofitting buildings all around California for when my big one comes.

Yeah, and basically a retrofitting for your big one is no directions to your

funeral are actually directly with the nearest steel dump. Uh,

luckily, we won't ever have to deal with that because

you're already going. I'm done in hell.

Yeah, Yeah, we forgot about that. Um, but

yeah, I think I

just need to, like, have a talk with these fishermen. Yeah, I think we are. I think you need to have a talk, because if because

I I need

to get back to selling stuff and not being a lure

and, um Ah, helping them steer the boat as a human rutter and stuff like that. I just can't

wait really comfortable in the water these days. I was wondering, you know what changed away? You're so comfortable if you're sucking off the blood of sharks. I mean, that makes a little bit of sense.

Yeah. I mean, I I am very comfortable in the water.

Doesn't feel like I'm just like looking at a few things. Your relationship with your step, Dad. My play. You and these fishermen. It

looks like we're

looking for some sort of figure in our life to impress. Um uh I don't know if you have that at all, Sam.

Well, I'm definitely trying to catch the mall robber. And yes, let me just say this guy's impressive. He is so impressive, but not as impressive as my security skills. Well,

played a

little cat and mouse game because she's been

stealing stuff. Where? Yeah, like from Is there a

pattern? What? His doors. There's

all of the stores in order every morning. A tan. And

I have multiple day at this guy. Why don't you just wear the big

one? You know, I'm waiting to catch the big

one. I gotta compete in the last

door. Why don't you just wait at the lids? I did that, uh, and

I was goofing on my phone. I missed. You are? Yes. Well, I was doing security stuff.

You didn't take talk on your phone, right? You've been doing tick, Todd.

Yeah. Yeah. What's tic Tac?

It is a new app that everybody seems to be getting paid to advertise. Yeah,

you been doing tic tac? You were taking a bunch of pictures of yourself saying, You wish this could be me in these fashion of a jeans. You're assisting you in these fashion nova Gene,

you seem to want to go viral like there's something you I think you're bored at work. And where you had a you had a personalities. You have a little bit

of a viral video this week.

McDonald's Rico. Yeah, McDonalds breakout, Which which was not You didn't have any. You weren't in control of posting that. You went

viral for a bad reason. And now you think you are a, um, social media star?

Yeah, I am.

I went viral out of McDonald's for all my french fries were too short, you know, I didn't get any long. One is. You know what I mean?

I can How long do you want the front cause I sigh com

long Levi's. I want a long me. I want the long G from every potato. I need at least one

senator brander center fry

and they know they know

about the long They give all the long used to their favorites and all the shorties to their least favorite. I don't think I know where I stand.

So you think that they are that the world is going out of its way to give you all of the short potato fries?

Yeah, I've noticed you

might be a little paranoid.

Why are all my fry so short?

Todd, I think I think you're just you Maybe saw one freak fry by the lids on my cups Sometimes not secure McDonald's, because maybe there's, Ah,

manufacturing airs. Um, I

don't know the world you're in charge of. Okay, let me ask you

this. Have you ever had a short French fry? Of

course

I've had a short there,

some of the better in their pocket. What was the year on the block? Are you in the pocket of meals? I am not in McDonald's Podd Baba shill. Listen, okay, I just

to a commercial.

No, I have been and I have been in pockets before, but I am not in McDonald's. Podd Okay, okay. I'm not OK. There's no reason for me to say toe lie about that. I am not a McDonald's shell. I'm just saying they get their french fries out of a bag. They don't cut him fresh, Okay? They are whatever link they are, they don't go

through trying to make me want McDonald's.

I don't know. I'm

not unbelievable. This prize Tadre There's not a conspiracy note there. Give me

short French fries and faulty Lynn.

No, they're not every French fry. McDonald's is cooked perfectly, and it is exactly the way that it is intended to be. And it's cheap as hell.

Okay, Howard MK Fry. Now way Donald. Either way, use. Look in you use this viral freak

out and you've started your own YouTube page. And

you're like, What's up? This is Luna ticket McDonald's. Is that? Is that your handle? I'm lunatic in McDonald's. I'm also Mr White Teeth. I'm I have multiple your life, Mr White. You're spoiling your viewers. Uh, diversifying. I got 10 D good viewers. Is Mr White Teeth

a joke? Because you're neither, classically pretty bad. Well, that's the performance. That's the before picture were wearing those things that you turn on the blue light and put him in your mouth. And then in a week, you

and I have seen the

video. See, this is the 1st 1 Is him kind of standing really close to camera. Big grin saying these air my nasty champers. Now wait,

Tol I say these are my chompers,

right? Well, sorry for editorializing, but anyway and then the second video is like, this is day one. They're still bad, but they're getting better. And Europe today four. And they look exactly the same so far. Yeah, well, and

you're also a fashion nova Thought. Is that what you

That's right. Fashion Nova thought I'm showing off my fuckin thick ass,

but you Twerk video. Thank you, Brendan. Obviously, it was hot fashion fashion of A plus. I was working for you Cardi b just launched her fashion overline. And you tried to go

to the party, right? Tried? Yeah, yeah, I tried to go to the party and Cardy said Absolutely.

Oh, she did see you.

Yeah, she threw a bunch of short french fries at me. McDonald's is going deep. Get out of

here. Wow. Well, that sounds That sounds like a tough time there, Sam,

I'm fine.

Yeah, I mean, it

seems like I think

it's it's obvious why you're so distracted from catching the mall robber and why this mall is a

selfie with may yet get a selfie. Why? What you mean? Okay, Never mind

doing all the way. Come on.

You can do it. You weaken.

Do one if it's gonna make you feel better. That is a heavy filter you have on yourself, Sam. Yeah. And that ring around your there's a full lighting kit on your cell phones case?

Yeah, that I realized people

don't want to see my face, as it naturally is. Right. So I do big filters, big lighting effects. Sometimes I'll do face Swap.

Me and Sam, I think.

Yeah, I saw you do.

Ah, you did one of those asking me questions on Instagram. I

said I just got some free time at home. Um, asked me anything from nine. Am until 7 p.m.

Yeah. Yeah. You answered, like, 1700 questions. A lot of them duplicates like you had already answered. Um, right. Yeah. Some were written

in the same language like uncreative questions that were asked,

I Sam, I really feel like if you want to catch this robber and clean this small up, you're gonna have to refocus on your actual job trying.

Well, speaking of the Guinness Dud Awards, they roved up it and we got most dangerous mall in the world. I

know it's unbelievable that it's just Why does this have to happen right when I take over? Yeah. I mean you lucky for you. So unlucky. That right when I become security guard three days later, after I've crashed my car 32 times, it's the most days

I will say, I would say the one variable that has changed. Before we came up here, this mall was classified as one of the safest and most well, really friendly, family friendly malls in the world. And then, days after we come up here, gets reclassified as the most dangerous mall in the world. I'm not saying it's your fault. Specifically, Sam. I'm just saying that there does seem to be a correlation between us starting to work here in this small seeing a rapid decline. Allergy. Really? Ah. Tracks. Negative dark Web people from the dark west. Those guys that air meeting in your arcade. You know,

it seems like a safe

space. Four degenerates. Yeah, it's an anti safe space. I mean, I saw that guy You guys know that guy Gavin McGuinness. Yes. Yeah, it was there he was meeting with these guys. Went for one of these businesses. Beginning eyes is Gavin McGinnis is back.

Look at this. Fucking McDonald going to get the name on everything. It's Guinness. It'll always beginning. Always began. Has never, never

go away. And we are in their pocket when we're helping fund them. Yeah.

Who are we talking about now? It's OK.

Not McGuinness. Okay. Yeah. All right. Uh, that makes that all makes sense. Yeah, but

we got it. I mean, we got to stomp out some of

this bad behavior around here, but guys, I mean, I know I've been in and out of bass probe, you know, being bait and hanging out with fishes and having a full under seep aside and esque insane thing that we won't talk about next week. But

we've got to get waste your small out. We're gonna get sent back hell forever. As we saw

last week. If if if your work release ends,

you get sent back to help forever, the moments gotta be big, and it's got to be good. And I got to turn the o more pressure. Oh, that's what I needed, Todd. you can

handle it. Okay? I am personally offering my services toe. Any of you guys, I have the keys to the building. Whatever you need. Security wise, I will help you. Yeah, I'm asking for a little in return. If you see the mall robber, let me know where he is because

I'm after you know where he's been. In the background of many of your If

you see him in the moment he held me.

Here's this little updating to Paul Fart. And

I can't really focus

on what else is going on.

Your updating to Paul Far.

Paul Fart. It's my security guard. You know, it's a Paul board.

Just plop Paul, but Blart but he also farts you get a whole blart done. It's the most

popular one. Okay, I have 11 following.

Okay. Well, listen, Sam, I'll tell you this. He's gonna be a foot locker at 10 a.m. Tomorrow. I think so too.

You think so too? Then just go there. Okay. I think

I will.

Now I have the same mistake is last time. Those guys that working full lock of those air referee jerseys, they're not escaped printed prisoners.

Okay, We'll blow their whistle. Me? I don't know what I'm gonna do. I don't know. I might take him back. Blow your horn

at him.

Okay. Well, by the

way, if you guys hear me, blow my horn or see a bunch of dogs running through them all also run. Where? The doctor? Because I need help sometimes I'm

saying we hear that way. See dogs writing Run with them.

You know, I was I need help. I ever see a dog running? Now that I have my horn, I need help. Follow the dog. How did all those dogs get loose? Sitting them all? They're everywhere. My bottom is. Didn't Petco have a problem or

you bought those and brought him

in? Yeah. I bought those dogs at a premium, I said, And these are all special dogs, right? They said no, not really. And he said, OK, why? I need him fast. So

because I wanted them to be kind of a signifier. Well, that kept some of the dogs. But I definitely am part of the problem. Teoh Petco did have a problem, and the problem is that they factory farm their dogs. So I have been letting all of their animals brand to the world.

That's what even that way, like thousands of fish. Well, I I

put the fish and I let them choose whether deliver die, not man's choice. We're jumping into a large Todd

on. I was in

that tank. You're flopping around. Some would say you're the reason the fish were dead already. Bill, listen, I can't help it when a WWF style fish brawl gets out of hand And I'm Val Venus fish.

Okay, Well, guys, I think we need to get our act together here the mall in the coming week Because

a lot of murder first Berger, this has always been My cause is is

very new. Tithe may have that I got not that.

Well, listen, guys, we appreciate you stopping by to listen to the teachers land again. We'll be back again next week. Hopefully Ah, a little bit of better handle on things. And for no reason, you should all go grab a ice cold Coca Cola from McDonald's. And until next time, Theo