Ruse Toupees with Matty B (Matt Besser)

you guys wanna grain juice? Green juice Now? What do you mean? It's Ah, like kale and spinach and lemon and coffee and pester coffee

in there.

I did bring some coffee in mind cause I gotta wake up now, is

this Ah, cleanse or you doing

well? I just feel like I got I mean, we all had such a festival, such a fall festival, that I'm just kind of like trying to get my immune system back. I feel like I'm just wiped out. You know,

uh, it's been on. The weather is changing. That's

the

thing that does it to me. I find when the weather changes, I wake up the next morning and I'm already sick.

I get four colds a year, right at the weather here, right at the season change.

You can almost aligning with the equinoxes.

Your colds. They've started using your colds to measure date window. I saving says

absolutely. They will know what Tony saying. Yeah, they in a box. And if I come out sneeze and they know it's winter,

Yeah, they pull you

up by the scruff of your neck.

Yeah, well, I've got some extra skin

back there. and you're you're if you're holding an emergency, were like, uh, it's gonna be spring.

You can set your watch to it. You can set your watch to whether or not I'm holding an emergency. And that means I have a cold, which means the season is changing. It's weird. When they pulled you

up last time, you they also pulled up one of your exes because it seems like when you get sick, you call up in X and be like

baby Well, I need I just need

care. And I need the last person who took care of me to be back is that it is

maybe gently specific to my brain.

Sam and Stephanie up. And they were halfway through season two of Deadwood. This is the best time right now. That was you with your cold.

I tend to get embroiled in an old relationship. When I every time I'm sick, I just go. I gotta call curly fry a lot of call my ex GF Curly fries bring aretz She'll bring over like a

so should bring it will show Britney me Schepisi be to help me deal with my

cold That's so wild she has tuberculosis old old diseases as well. She's built different. She was she she, uh, road on a wagon and got

tuberculosis? Yes, she wrote on the wagon, or a young child coughed her mouth on accident because on a wagon, all the kids air in the wagon. She was in with the kids. All the men are out. Walk.

She was showing the cancer sung tattoo. Well,

she was showing off her toned tattoo and a kid Tuberculosis coughed right on it. So

if this was because this was the, ah, a bunch of Juggalos tried to do their version of the Lewis and Clark expedition. That's right. But it ended up turning into their version of the Donner Party. That's

right, and they had a blast. I will say it didn't go well for everybody. Some people left with empty, empty bellies. Some people left with very full bellies. But a good time was had by all family on I miss my baby.

That sound like you keep in contact, though, which is good.

Yeah, we have a platonic friendship. Now

that's good. It's platonic. That's that's really wonderful. You could can keep

that. It's more of a plutonium IQ

friendships start is pretty volatile. It We're friends. Yeah. We could have a blow up at any moment the size of a hero show.

I heard that. I heard

that last time you guys got dinner together after being apart for a year. Kim Giang. L was notified.

He he showed up. Tried Teoh put you guys

in a big Well, first of all, first of all, I tried to give us both a haircut. You know, the one his haircut, and then we wouldn't have it right. He sacked us. That was your

biggest problem. You like We'll

go with

you, but we're not getting the cut.

Well, you're gonna cut it right here in the Buffalo Wild Wings. This is our

location of the

theater way. Got wings coming. Great. Boneless buffalo Booth Stairs,

watching the game with my friends. Got to watch the game of buffalo and I saw him and I did three in the sack and I just I was Korean Santa Clauses here that I just thought dragging that big sec around. And it wasn't till I saw your kicking in there. I was like, That's my buddy. And for Lee Fry

just say if this sex

Kerak and don't come a knocking, baby, you got some time to get intimate

through this act throw. You started getting variant

and what team came into breast bust. You guys Ah, uh, Colin Powell and a bunch of people from American Security go about Blackwater for the tend to bust you out of this of Kim Jong Il sac

inside a buffalo Wild wings at Buffalo

Wild Wings. And they were like, we got him, We got him. We're opening up the sack. You guys said give

us a minute. Call again us a minute. If

this burlap sehr slapping don't come a tap it It was a burlap sack, right?

Well, I don't know. Should we get into it today, guys?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Everybody, welcome to the teacher's lounge murders. Bastard! Only cast for change issues relevant to the Hamilton. It's so hard to talk you have to talk with do it music.

I don't. Well, anyway, I, of course, empowered Levis, of course, one of the four host of this dang thing. Ah, let's kick it around the horn and introduce ourselves.

Well, it's obvious I'm Todd Padre, theater teacher and new dog owner.

Really beautiful, you know? Please tell me is to rescue.

Uh, I rescued it. I rescued it from a guy. Paid $7500 to mate two purebreds.

That's really smart. That's really smart. You just can't trust these dogs from jail.

No, no, you get a dog from jail. Next thing you know, it's stealing all your sterling silver, which you stolen from the queen.

Well, it's so hard

to get those dogs jobs. Get out. You have to, like, regroup, reintroduce them to society.

The last dog I got from jail, I reintroduced it as a, um uh, service dog for a man who was vision impaired. And the dog ended up making make trick demand into robbing 14 banks. Wow, it was a dark. It was the dog

wasn't a blind robber.

There wasn't a blonde robber. I mean, he was

It wasn't a sighted robber who was using a dog is an excuse and saying no, no, I'm blind. He's making me do this

now. It was a bad boy. Dogs bad dog. And so I had to go pure bred.

Well, my name is Sam, Weatherman. I'm the guy who was in a bag with clearly fry. And sometimes I'm sick. You can set the seasons to it. I also teach drivers at as well a student government. A lot of people say I shouldn't do either one, but I'm forging ahead.

All right. My name is Bill Crave EI Coach Basketball. Ah, seasons going. Not great. I'm also the social studies teacher. Um and I am meditating now. Yeah,

you have meditating, drinking green juices, taking a old yoga class I'm

taking Yes, ice cold yoga. Yeah, it's It's Ah Shivam Shivam you on. And you You go in there and it is ice cold. Yukon Cornelius is teaching the class. I don't know if you know who he is. He's from the Claymation Rudolph Story

Got Cornelis, Of course.

Of course he fights the ah Bumble. Well, the abominable snowman was teaching the class. I'm sorry. I call when I was a kid, I called the abominable Snowman the Bumble s. So that's why I said the bumble. It's adorable

and pretty kid

isn't kids stuff adore, always tell kids stuff on the first date because it makes someone think I'm sweet,

right? Well, you

know you know your sweet if you haven't had a current story about it. Yes, I'm Here's the 30 year old story of cute nous.

Yeah, I You know, I breast fed off of my dad's fake nipple until I was 15 years. Adorable store. It was a big Pearson. It was a big, pierced fake nipple.

It was pierced with a fake nipple. It had a fake nipple as the ring.

That's right. And the little fig nimble helped just a

little bit of it

for me. Now, is this the kind of thing where it had a wire that ran into a satchel of milk or was it just sort of a little nip?

It was a wire that ran into a little tiny, uh, what's it called dropper that you would use in a lab of science lab? Yeah, but you looking great, Bill. You're clearly good. You look a little chilly, but otherwise great.

Thank you. So, you know, we all we all finally got a little bit of sleep. We let we let things get a little out of hand. Last week with the fall festivals kind of took up a little too much of our time. We You know, we feel bad about that. So we've all kind of taking the week to try toe refocus on what's going on. Ah, going on around the school. Um uh,

when you're planning something you love, there's just no way to put it down sometimes. You know, when you Because I want to give this fall festival to the people. Yeah. You know, it's really

about as giving back then that war s out.

Yeah, and let's give him back. I mean, to the fall festival. We just became, say, Bridezillas. And, uh, we got a little crazy. Ah, and I will say that on my bath a little bit. That's my fault. First of all, she not avada my Jewish friends. And of course, it's Yom Kippur yesterday and I was started fasting too early. I'm newly fought refining. My Judy is that you were angry and I was hungry. I started fasting far too early and kind of lost it, even on you guys. Howard, I I flushed you down one of the toilets. Yeah, because you told me that Ah gorge didn't work. But

here's the thing. I honestly honest, I understand anger issues, you know, I've dealt with that a lot. I understand, Huh? Settled, but yeah. No, not settled. I think that was too far. Todd?

Howard, can you

address rumors? I mean, here say that when you were flushed down the toilet, you were separated. Um, not with the clean, but with shit. You were you with clean shit. You didn't go where? The water guys, if this identified you as a big baby

And this was a big thing that happened in our town three years ago, we passed legislation to create a new sewage system. Where men, they look at what's coming down and they filter the water one way. Gave a clean man. And the ship

who spends a prose. They do this. Everything record for never missing a piece of shit or a piece

of clean. Yeah, they've never should send a ship to the cleaner cream the ship. So, Howard, they saw you. Yeah, and they confidently sent you

to the ship. I Listen, I and I'll be honest. I didn't speak up. I was so blown away by what had just happened to me, friend. I was completely flabbergasted where you got I was hot. You hold your Of course. I was mouth closed. Knows closed fingers in the ears. I didn't want anything getting inside of me. I was I was so blown away by the fact that my body fit down the drain that I was was honestly disoriented. Ah, and I a man grabbed me by the shirt and sort of slid me, like, kind of, like, guided me cause this demand, by the way, who stands in the middle in waiters and kind of just guides proof one way and clean the other way. Uh, it's a perfect system. Yeah, And it wasn't until I sort of ended up in Ah, in what I can only describe as, ah, thick sludge.

Was it just you there with shit?

Todd, would you pour me a glass of clean real quick?

Absolutely. There were others. Uh, there were others. They're

giving him clean. No, that's Howard Howard. Well, how I think

you did. You did such a great job. You really took that with Grace. And I'll even say when we cleaned you off in the tub with tomato sauce. You just You just handled it so well. We had to get this thing. Got few

way came over. We bathed you down by hand. Tomato sauce,

tomato juice. It was a well, and of course, I brought popular shot. No, this

is a garlicky sauce which still getting the smell out of I had to do another separate bath.

We're sorry. Way. We're sorry we served after

that. You think You know, I don't even want to get into it, guys, because it will just make me upset. Because this is just another example of people who I thought cared about me, um, doing the wrong thing.

You I need that to happen. Taste you can sauce.

I could have handled this myself. Okay, guys, because a lot of times you make my problems worse than they were already. Okay,

a break. When you got when you didn't get into the clean, that was That's hard

for all of us. You

know, I take a little responsibility since I'm the one that flushed down the toilet. We're getting a little no hard feelings, my man, or you'll

our village. Tell Todd your your you forgiven.

You know, it's easier to just say I forgive you. Point time. I forgive you.

You have to forgive

someone you have to forgive and regret. You say

the timing of all this was really tough, guys, because you guys, as you guys know, I received some Let a letter in the mail from El Polo Loco. Ah, I I got a cease and desist. Uh, and I didn't even really at the beginning of this city settled, Desist? Yeah, it was a c cell. Desist. And I I am going to comply because, you know, I don't want Are you going to get a Hellboy? A lawyer? Well,

there's Johnnie Cochran. Marshall macaca. Also much Clark, Sergeant, Look,

I can't afford it. The business hadn't really started raking in the dough like I wanted it to be, So I am not going to pursue this any further. I will still love chicken, and I will always love chicken, but I will not be making it.

Are you going to go in front of Judge? Judge Judy? Is that to oversee?

I don't think I'm gonna I think I'm just gonna let this

go because or is it the people's

cock

just gonna turn off the old grill?

I'm gonna turn off the grill because, honestly, it was distracting me from my goal this year, which was to devote my entire life every waking moment to teaching these kids. Uh, and honestly, it's it. I realized that I had let it get out of hand

last week. If we remember that you gave all your students the lesson plan to teach themselves. And then this week there was the pre AP test that everyone's supposed to take after a few of your students did so poorly on the practice. Uh, what did I call it? That's a T pre

treat now to create

the creepy the pre AP test. A few wounded so badly that they got kicked out of school.

Yeah, which I told the principal. I think that's not the thing that you are supposed to do or should do. And he said, No, you should own this.

But when you get 30 tests that are all exactly the same in every orders, every answer is grilled chicken. You're going to think, Hey, these kids, they're cheating and the teachers leading him to you know you're running up way local, and all these kids have identical tests. It's gonna look a little murky. Yeah, kind of like

you. I am a little murky.

Well, I'm glad that we've finally taken a break from all of our hard work on the fall festival. We can actually just get back to school and

we're meant to do. Be good

do what

teachers. That's right. I am planning a halftime show. Oh, to kind of get some attendance up. Um,

well, the band is responsible for, But you took over this year.

Yes. Yeah, I was like, You guys aren't pulling your weight. You perform every week in the halftime show. There's no other people showing up to these games.

And the running time for your halftime show is a little bit longer than

half time right now, right? Yes. We're gonna go double time. We're gonna double time, Devil Time show. Um,

and it's still all right in the middle. You don't You don't use the game as as start to break it up and do it after?

Well, sometimes. And I told them that if they want to leave on and then come back and do an encore, it will. They will interrupt the game So the game will start second, ample star. And then they might come back for an encore,

depending on if the crowd chance

for it. Right, Right. We don't know. We don't know.

Uh, do you have some acts lined up? Are you gonna be performing? Because big news came out last week that J. Lo and Shakira will be doing the Super Bowl halftime show this year. Which a lot of people

were standing. Yes, I was standing that. I understand that it's a big hit for May, um, that I that I was not able to get them. You, um I did email. Um, she carrot hips don't lie dot Com. Uh, didn I've email hit anything and

I also Jimmy at the block the block Starcom dot the Bronx. It

was a long incorrect dresses. Yeah, I get. I got 44 returns above a quick for far too. Sometimes you got to take a stab of email. Address skaters showed up. Fastest 44 year. Wow. Yes. Bam, bam. I'm in the book.

We have not seen Guinness in a while. I'm happy they're back on

getting Teoh Hall. They said you have no email to female pop stars has been returned quicker from a man in the suburbs

were just emailed. A female return.

Yes, e metal female return on. And they took a picture of my face, humiliated a man with his hat in his hand, his hair. And it was actually it was tough. Yes, you have both hat in one hand while I had my tube off for the night hide removed tube. And, uh then I wear my my visor with spiky hair.

You also got the Guinness record for only to pay in hand because nobody has ever taken there to pay off of their head before. So self conscious that they sleeping on the shower and

right, Yeah, you trick it. It's the the trick you want. Uh, the whole thing is keeping up the ruse, which is actually the brand of my

to pay Bruce Ruse to one of our sponsors

today, actually. Right. Let's see if we got the copy here,

huh? All right.

Just a ruse to pay.

Are you a little thin? A little tall and have nothing on top at all. Bruise. Four. Your hair

ruse. It's a to pay, and it's gonna look for everybody here. Everybody here that thinks this is some sort of product that will make you kangaroo. It's still not that it is ruse. Our USP. We've got to clarify that the top of the ad ruse Ridge to pay. Not a thing for people who want to buy a kangaroo.

Do you want to stare your

loved ones right in the face and have said nothing untrue, but they know you're lying to them with something on your head. Ruse to pays.

Do you want to have

a great relationship for two years and then jump in a pool, forgetting to put your hair pins in and then ruin it when the big question comes out? Ruse loose to pays.

And again with the whole kangaroo thing they doubled down on the Kingery. It's stuff in the ad. Must be a big issue for them. This isn't This isn't a thing that has anything to do with kangaroos. Stop emailing. Stop calling. We don't know what you're talking about. Ruse to pays that wrist. All right.

Hey, baby, it's me, John Travolta. I have never

used a ruse to

pay ever, ever, ever. Oh, yeah, Saturday Night Fever Goodbye.

That was a clip of John Travolta saying he's never used one will know he has.

Good. I might.

Looking for a thing for your hair. There isn't a kangaroo. Very well then. This is confusing because we're a

hair company, not on out back out. Feta looking to sell kangaroos like the S P C A in America for dogs.

So that's Ruse. John Travolta doesn't use it, but obviously he does. And it's not for people who want a kangaroo

back to your regularly scheduled program.

Okay. Uh, well, you look great, Bill. You look great. Photo. And I have to make the cover this

year. I'm going out to a lot of Ah, I'm going out to a lot of acts for the for the halftime show. Hopefully, next week, I'll have some leads.

Speaking of leads, I put up the cast list for the Jewish play that I'm doing this week. Um, and, uh, you know, a lot. Ah, Jewish play. Yeah, doing I decided, You know, it's the high holidays. Eso I thought maybe we do some Jewish plays and educate the community of

Hamilton a little bit. That's really good. As you know, I'm an adult man and I couldn't tell you young come four from hat.

That's right. You

could You could have proved your point better. I think what you said I

really piece together was I couldn't tell you the difference between Yom Kippur and hat. That's about what I heard.

Well, I couldn't tell you the difference

between edge Ah, young Kapoor and a little Jewish. Had I got

Janko born a Yarmuk, I think is

a great delivery room. Keep up. I know that. Well, you should watch the play because don't call me Hitler. I know the word keeper. I

never called you Hitler yet

you don't know act two of the players whose Hitler in the audience eso It's an interactive play and someone is always the most. Hitler, which is person, has released about Jews way equate were Equate that with Hitler.

You can go there and question the

U on the way and you dio Q and A and then we wave go down to the three most hit Lary people and we bring him on stage and we ask him some more questions and as each one they get wrong. It's almost like hang man, you got to get more and more Hitler paraphernalia on there But the

last piece, of course. The staff

moustache is the

stash online. I noticed in the rundown the like, sort of temple run down that you have put that you have put my name in there. And now I know I have accidentally said some pretty anti Semitic things on this podcast. Right? You I appreciate you just letting me be a placeholder for who is the most Hitler.

You are always in the finals every night.

Yeah. I'm not gonna be in the audience every night.

We'll Skype you.

Okay? I don't want to do

that. So what?

Skype was invented by an Israeli?

No, I didn't know that.

Oh, Howard. Loud heat for Heil too

much about. Hi. I'm not highlighting, Okay? I've never hired I wouldn't I wouldn't Heil. Okay. Taylor came and said hi. Oh, me, I would say Absolutely not. Yeah. From the finger, I would give Hitler the bird.

So you're first going on the record later. How are you alive? Hitler. No, I wouldn't kill him. Motherwell! Heil him. Sam Howard,

That gave you the finger. You're not going to kill six million Jews anymore? No, I think I'm still going to do it. That's what happens. Didn't kill. That's part of

this Israel. I don't know.

Killing it was an option out of the gate.

This Israel. Okay, this is really

turned on me. I didn't want to do this. I don't want to do this. Okay? More. I'll never want to be made to do this. Your shell. Um you're

scared. You're sort of Jerusalem. So, um uh, but a lot of a lot of press for Jewish play a lot of good title. Jewish Jewish play. Yeah, for the high holidays. Todd. Padre production.

More accent. Did you

write that? The right time. Top reproduction,

reproduction parentheses, like a Jewish

First review

came in. And it was like apparently, this was written by someone who was Jewish. It

didn't seem like he

knew that much about Judaism. The reviewer? Yeah.

Oh, they think about you. Well, I'm learning as I write it. It's the same. Is becoming a feminist or anything else. You know, part of the experiences, you do it wrong, and then you learn by what people tell you is wrong about it.

Have you ever tried to learn before or do you just learn by doing

I can only learn by doing. Because before is a lot of work. And you never know. I find shame is the best lesson for May.

I'm not

gonna out you. But the 1st 20 minutes I wasn't even talking about your sexuality,

girl. Why would you

be? I wouldn't be, But nothing to say. Now how quick you piped up. I'm worried.

No, thank you. Way. No, you're straight. Oh, uh, outs on the record. Okay. Um, legal. It's legally binding. Legally. Yeah. You ever see anything I can play this

time? Driver's license the other day you made yourself a little sticker. Yeah. Strange.

Straight. Straight. Don't get my Penis to a gay guy. If I die because it won't, it won't be.

Is that why you You say you're not an organ donor, cause that's your Penis is considered organ.

Well, I'll give. It's not homophobia. I'll give any of my organs to a gay man. I think they should have. Let's be, But they'll be so disappointed if they get my Penis. And it's like, Why isn't getting around?

They don't cut anybody's dig up and give it away after a car accident? Not yet. We'll say that

to my own dick.

Anyway, the 1st 20 minutes

is you talking about how you grew up on a kibbutz. Now I know, uh, you how you how you grew up? It's a lot. That's a big lie up top.

I want to grow up with keys in my boots. So it's not all false.

What? They're subtle things like that. Did you hear that? What's that in my boot? I guess that's why you're doing it

was a typo in the script that But you literally mean you grew up with keys in your boots?

Yeah, Yeah, my favorite Ford pockets.

Going to talk about three square meals of lot cause a day

That's right, Very Jewish. I think we'll see what the reviewers say, but we really three square meals of lockers with locks today

locks, locks because you do a lot of puns in the play

because US Jews love humor. Uh, it's the way we've been oppressed for so long by you guys. Uh, at I've been oppressed and you know what they say. Humor is the best medicine. Who were the best doctors? Jewish? That's right. She

should know when o station Dr Howard, Todd and

Sam are Jewish.

I know I

know that

same trying away from that one.

I don't I just don't need to prove it

to people. That's right. That's a name, either. So irritable Play home space these days. I don't need to prove anything to people. I crashed 12 vans two weeks ago, and I'm totally over it. They were home crashes. They were very calm, crashes the flames when higher. But they thought that I was calm the whole time. And since I've been out from behind the wheel of these vans, it's been very nice to just go on a nice fall walk. It's sweater weather. I'm putting it on. I'm smelling the pine trees I'm smelling. You know, I'm hearing the crickets that don't want to be out anymore because it's cold.

to say this Sam so close to the brake, but

Now I want

I would honestly say that you are pumpkin spiced. You could say

that I've been getting into my walks and you know, I walk past a star, but you have. We have cream

on your head.

You have, of course, the spice that we all know. That is so pumpkin spice of saying on 3123

Too early So soon. You are very pumpkin Spice and very for your very your Spice Girl girl. And unfortunately, Scary Spice is already taken, But people are calling new Scary spice.

They are calling me Scary Spice. They're scary. Sam Pumpkinhead on. Come in. Spice had Starbucks ginger dead man in church. Absolutely. The thin man. Tall parentheses, tall coffee. And yet what happened was I walk past on my lovely fall walks in a sweater. I walked past a Starbucks has, you know, they're serving pumpkin spice latte on one of my walks. I got in a car and accidentally got in a crash in the drive through

Starbucks. I see I've been bit by the bug Had this place bad by the

spice. So, yeah, now I'm really falled out. I'm all pumpkin spiced. I smell like it. I feel like it. And, uh, idea Like it

I've noticed, like a lot, a lot of Twitter comedians, air making some like pretty old hack jokes about

you already. It's like girls are going to drink

you, uh, which give them a little credence has happened. A white girls at the mall. Couple Ashley's come over and swipe a finger through my hair. Grab a little piece, spice

Because, yeah, I saw

you being carried by a white woman who was late to a meeting the other day.

Well, I was spilled all over the door. She spilled me all over the door. They had to come in and white mouth with a squeegee. Oh, my Unbelievable. They put me in a bucket I

have materialized again And I came here I

saw a white woman I saw a white woman dunk a cake pop in

your mad white Women love to drink me It's it's unbelievable. It's like, Hey, it's fall I'm a man, You know me alone. White women see Pumpkin Spice and they can't get enough Now back to the white man Podcast. Howard, what are you looking forward to most? Now that you're back at school and just relaxed

into your setting?

We have noticed you're sitting with your not sitting at the teachers table at lunch anymore.

Now, you know, honestly, I've heard, uh, I've heard a lot of sort of snickering and

stuff from kids about me. That your loser?

Yeah. Uh, they suck. I have heard that proportions Air Weird. Yeah, actually, I went home after everything with the polio loco and thinking that I had my, uh, quote unquote stuff together. Ah, and I looked in the mirror and I said, Is

this who

you are? Howard, Is this the guy you want to be? Miss? Short sleeve. White button down T shirt, thick brown tie, khaki pants.

Pretty thick. Tells

times thicker than sure.

I mean, jeez, yeah. Powered

white guy wired on the body. Sure. Where the body. It was like a burlap sack of tight shirt. Tie white with somebody. Tie wider, whiter, wider shirt Whiter than whiter than body. Oh, yes. Much whiter. Tie wide

leads police near the nipple. Deep cleats depletes the please. And I said, this isn't who you are powered. I'm sick and tired of this. I'm sick and tired of coming home looking in the mirror and I wouldn't hang

out with this guy.

So you decided to change yourself?

Yeah. So use two pays. Yeah, I don't need it to pay. I need a personality to pay is what I think is what? I'm going forward. Upgrade. Yeah, and so, um decided that from this week on, Howard is no longer pushy. Howard.

Okay, I didn't know Everybody is everybody called

negative connotation. Kids have keep. They call me pussy. Howard.

They call you by your first name

and as a teacher. Bad pushing for a while. Thought they were calling me a pussy. Has your first name pussy? It's not. It's Howard.

Well, there's some rumors around the school.

It's not kids. My first name is not pussy. My first name was Howard. Kids are crazy. These kids mean mean, and they shouldn't say it, and they definitely shouldn't say it recorded. Uh, but anyway, I'm I'm gonna be cool now.

That's great. And the coolest teachers. I remember when I was growing up close, teachers were the ones that had their own thing going on. That coming confidently, Yeah, yeah, they didn't need anything from the kids, but they would understand the kids and relate to him. Is that kind of what you're doing?

Eventually, I think I need an outer outward makeover before I can actually be that person. You know, you can you can. You can sell somebody your cop car, but if they don't paint it different people are still going to think it's a cop car.

We've all heard that before. Looking yourself in the mirror. The image matters.

Yes, right? Yeah. You may be usually

Pull up, Pull up a chair, turn it around backwards, Sit your ass down next to some cool kids.

plan. Ah, you know, I'm going to see if there might be some Ah, table table space that the cool kids table at lunch. Oh,

That's my

there he is. A space that has been open

because everybody knows a

kid died on that motorcycle

marque died in a motorcycle accident

again on on behalf of me and my car. No comment at best. Involuntary manslaughter

on behalf of me who is asleep in the passenger seat. No comments, no commandment and no comment. And we had at McDonald's just earlier.

Yeah, because yeah, the comet, We only have it down because we were drunk. So we were trying toe. No comment. No more comment, period.

And and I know that I

also grabbed the wheel and axle because I got nervous. No

comment, No comment. But I sold them to be your own Sundays. That's illegal in Hamilton. So There's an opening in the cool. Get safe.

You're cool. Now.

I'm gonna CEO if I can do

who's the opening next to? Cause that table

Rice

is gunning for that price

is going for

it. And a lot of people say he probably is a good shot. He just said

100 meter dash. Uh, and he is our star varsity track player. Coolest cars in school on.

I was the

Did you set a record for that dash for first most the firing gun starter Gun guy Dio face. Yes, yes.

Yeah. Most kickbacks. You'd fire the gun, it would kick right into your head, right?

Yeah. Harris on the gun.

And those are supposed to be blanks.

Yeah, uh oh is

right. That if nothing's coming out, it doesn't seem like there would be an equal and opposite reaction. That's a So you

screamed. Well, I'm already shooting blanks with my dick. I'm not going to shoot him with my gun. I

did scream the scream batter. Who was at the athletic director?

Yeah, he was out there, told me to quit, that he would take over and I said no.

Well, I think how I think this plan to be cool is awesome. I saw on your calendar get a perm was in there s so that should help out. Get a

permit is Thursday and buy a new by some jackets is the weekend

by some jackets. And get a

president. You should fit in perfect with these high school years. They got bison jackets. Lose all your

T shirts, get a perm. You cannot approach that table shirtless with a jean jacket on with perm. We'll

see.

See what Nirvana is all about. I see there are no to do list

with another bullet point underneath it by Nirvana T shirt from Target.

Well, I'm just happy that we've all found a place Where way can you back off of our hard work brain and just get into our, like, calm brain meditation? I mean, walks for me, A really nice jelling about Judaism for May and is very relaxed for

you. And so I think our guest is coming in. So we should take a little break and get him situated.

Yeah,

until then.

Goodbye. All right, we're back. Y'all Thanks for sticking it out through that break. And like we said, we got a guest on the show today, and we honestly could not be more excited. This is potentially one of the greatest success stories in the history of Hamilton High School. Huge. I mean, truly, I don't know that there's anybody who's sort of hit the heights that this fella has hit. So we are so glad to have him back in the lounge to talk about his new his new comedy special called Pot Humor. We got our good old boy Matty be Maddie being a so good to see you. Is it it ISS man? Yes. Wow. Honestly, we look at you as kind of like proof that we did. All right, You know what I mean?

Yeah. We always say like a you know, Maddie be, You know, Maddie be Hey, went to school at Hamilton. I

was in my theatre class, I think

Todd eat. I got him out of. I tried to

Yeah, Yeah,

on handling skills. He was very good. Surprisingly good. Could have been a basketball player. We wanted to

have been there. What? Things didn't happen the way they did

away. Oh, come on, now. You

have surprised you guys. It's good to see me, huh?

Yeah. I mean, you were my successor. You You made it the regional regional finals In the science fair

we talk about

you. Forgot about that

when I saw you pull up in that test. Lives like one of my ex students driving a Tesla. I must be a pretty good teacher. There must be a pretty good teacher.

That's my old Tesler. Um, but you guys obviously haven't seen the special. It hasn't come out yet, but I talk about you guys a lot. No special Where the impetus of it.

I'm gonna

be honest with you, Matty doesn't seem the way you're talking about us. You know, we're all really excited, smiling, laughing, having a good time with you. But, like, it seems like maybe there's something on your

mind. Yeah, we went in for the shake, and you just gave us kind of a dismissive fist bump.

Yeah, I think we only one knuckle.

Was that a fist bump? Because it was more of a stomach punch for May. I don't know if there was a missed fist bump.

Yeah, I was. When you swing your fist, it's someone that's in a fist. bump.

Okay. Okay. Oh, yeah. I guess now, in hindsight, I wanted a block of your I love your face and but it still hurt back. Forearm got hit hard and

I want to deal.

Yeah, I thought you were just noticed in my tummy.

Kind of. Just like I put on a couple of Aikins launch into what my specials about. I mean, it's about pot, obviously. Yeah. Which I I was a pot dealer during high school. And you guys know that, obviously.

Well, that's why you were so cool. We let we just We thought you were cool.

I honestly don't remember that. I honestly don't remember. You're dealing pot at all. But I did remember thinking you were cool.

must have been that.

So it

Yeah. I mean, like, pots. Cool. Now I get It

was highly illegal. They could send someone, like May to juvenile hall juvie. And then since I messed up in jute Yeah, juvie. And since I'm master, everybody calls juvie, it shorts cooler. It's cool. You've never been to juvie, But I have.

Yeah, but its eyes really? Did

you do a little stand up special there, like Johnny Cash

did you make the troops. I mean, the prisoners Folsom Prison this'll

ones for all the lifers here in juvie.

No, I was in there. I was part of juvie. I wasn't entertaining their respect. Yeah, and I went to federal prison.

Wow. Okay,

Responses down for a halftime.

0 2.5 years. I got a nickel off. Five years, you're down for a nickel. I don't know the terms. You go, I'm off.

That's what we call it in juvie of imprison. So Pres O's

nickel equals five years. Yeah. Hang

on. Yeah, you did. Because I think I bought pot from you a few times when you were a student here. Now,

you didn't mention that when you testified against me in court.

Didn't wait, didn't I? Buy pot from you? What that sting did? That's how I remember you. I pop pop from you at that sting. Oh,

you guys all set me down.

Was I in the marked on May? You knocked on May you against may Wait. I remember you're the reason I went to juvie in federal prison. You your reason why Talk about Give me a football, Wei Xu. Ready? Be I happiness, I guess. Ice narked on May man outside with the cans on my head being like That's him. That's him. Get him. Get him. What you

doing? Do you realize what you did to me? Did you guys ever think

about that as the time

what we were doing was what it was was considered, you know, moral. We you know, we