Rummagespringa with Braden (Mary Sasson)

good job of the fire drill yesterday, guys.

Oh, that was

s ice. Yeah, right. I like what I like that. We told the fire department we were all right, We got outside. We said we made it fire drill over. They were still there. Like it took you 1/2 hour. Yeah, we had. We got it. Yeah. And then we were. And then they were also like, and also there is actually a fire, and we're like, don't worry about it. But that was the darndest thing when

that was just dumb luck.

That was luck. That it on the way out. What were you trying to get rid of? Some some dirty mags? A little trash can not.

What? When I found out that the fire Department was coming, you know, I panicked. I heard the same. He said if I said I was like the Nixon White House, I started trading.

It is not illegal failure

of age you

undergo for us to be keeping poured on campus, it'll at least get me fired. Yeah, I mean, joined the fire. Okay. I got to run to a garbage can mind still running. They couldn't put it out eso

you let a classic little metal trash can fire well, and it's not

pornography. It's it's tasteful photos of men and women. Um, a lot of hunting stuff like some of them were calendars somewhere over calendars.

House calendar. Be nasty.

That's right. And of

course, Jane, if they're serves a purpose, I don't care if somebody's nude on it, just like

it's underneath it. You're not going to get cold on The

bolts that hold the tires on my car are

explicit. They're disgusting. Yeah, I have ever right. Boasts their little nipples. Adult samples. Yeah, I

do think I think the tire your rams air. Very funny, because they are. They are our boobs.

I've had the funniest rims in town for

years and are out there. A lot of people say it's funny to put like truck nuts on their truck or whatever you've got boob tires got both tired.

What is so funny?

But I was so tired on Oh, there's truck mass truck nightshirt. Nice. How about both Tired? Yeah. What about Titi? Lugs everything. We've seen your legs, their titties. Well, I lot of

people say it's a tent on the tent because the actual rim itself is a boob. And then the lugs or tits.

Well, let's explain this thing.

Yeah, I think it's time for us to explain the difference between boobs, tits and nipples. Is it done? I don't know. That's up to us, but yet it's not our story. But I tell you what is its

tipper tat? I don't have you guys have been to my ah, parlor Got shut down pretty quickly because it was it was kind of Ah, I opened it in the French Quarter. Like, show me to be

attack. French

Quarter was the perfect place to do it. It was really embraced for a while.

Yeah, Yeah. I'm not talking

about New Orleans. No talking about French Quarter. My how times.

Well, there was, like, a talented near period where it was okay to just go around telling people toe show that you, you their tits, has given beads or something. The the nineties were so stupid. What was everyone doing? Just hanging on Dirty Lakes

exams during the nineties? Just like I can't

get a commercial on Comedy Central to save my life. These girls gone wild videos were on for four hours a night.

I was gonna say its commercial. I say it was immediately obvious to me your frame of reference when you said dirty lakes

think these lakes still exist. These

Arizona leg? Yes, because Harold Roosevelt

Bush, we've all been a Bush lake in Arizona.

Absolutely. Bush Lake is really good.

The 1st 1st

Yes, Yes. This is covered Walker. Herbert Walker, Bush Lake. Only in

Arizona later. Pretty sure he's Herbert Graveside. Pretty sure he's dead.

Oh, is that that

funeral we were?

Oh, is that where we were when

we got on the pizzas? Delivered? Yeah. And we didn't stand for the salute or the anthem.

Why do the anthem? Why did they ever do the anthem? We're tired of it. We're tired of the ad. We're gonna do

some anthem stuff now. I think we should probably get into today's episode. Come

on. Got right right when

he was about to say We've been eased into it and he stole the what pleasure do you guys get out of saying Kick it before I could say,

What pleasure do you get out? It's just the

thing that it's my role. I like to feel in one pleasure in the submissive. Well, it's dominant of us. How? No, I think you wanna have that. Same. You want to do the kick it? Yeah, I would love to do it. So can we restart it? I'm gonna say kicking less

really is the last time any of us had sex. I

mean, we're talking about

his nuts, tits and dominant

sub. What is going on? Are we okay? Uh, it's were saying, I just know that I'm I'm just cooped up around

all these kids all day. Don't say don't say it. Hold it in, box it down. Push it to your loins. It's

got to come out somehow. If we actually had sex, would we be funny? That's the question. I always ask if I have factors. Will I lose my funny?

Well, here's my question. I have not had Everybody knows I have not had a lot of sex, right? And

the understatement Central,

Am I funny? Well, they see now you are an outlier where you're not funny and you don't You know what I mean? Like

it's a square rectangle. Just cause you don't fuck doesn't make you funny. But if you're funny and you fuck you

lose it. Square time. We're describing how his Penis.

Uh OK, people say, Well, I know this is

a rectangle, but is this a square? I was a short is it is a step.

Okay. It's definitely rectangle. My Penis is definitely think that if I want anything

as short as it is small, what is that? Work showed. No, that's wide right.

Okay, this isn't funny.

It's like a German were

team e p me is Danny Pink.

Okay, well, you know what? We're gonna put play the theme music again when I

say can't get all You son of a bag and seal CEO told me Rick Anderson over first

into the kicking. Okay, Restarted. Kick it. God damn it. Okay, anyway, welcome everybody to the teacher's lounge. The first, best and only podcast prevent issues relevant to the Hamilton High School community. Yeah, I of course am Howard, get off the piano. Levis, Uh, your biology teacher Ah,

subject of that hack name. Are you the subject of the nickname? Yes. Are you being quoted?

Well, I'll just say this. The rumors are true. I did go to a dueling piano bar this weekend. Ah, and I tried Teoh to usurp control of one of the piano's, um,

every

week you come in with the rumor that none of us have heard. Really? Yeah. You come into the new nickname in a rumor I have no idea about.

Well, maybe that means you guys should be a little more plugged into my life cause

I got

a cool stuff going on.

Oh, really? Was it cool when you are on the piano?

I had a blast. I heard you've

been approaching Bernie Taupin to kind of ah, use. There's my pitch. I heard you've been approaching Bernie Topping after you weigh famously writes all about John Song. Yes, yes. Uh, as you kind of want to be the

new Elton. But all you do is get up on the piano. A lot of people play it.

You guys know a lot of people have said I'm a little bit boring. I don't have I'm not very flamboyant. Ah, and I saw that Rocket Man movie, and I was like, You know what? Maybe the change that I need to make is Ah, I need to sort of put myself out there and a little more flash A little more flash, Little flare You

in the movie when he plays piano in the troubadours First show is discovered. Everyone floats in the air. When you did it, everyone sank to help

Everyone went to the bathroom tied. Everyone had to go to the video. Everyone ST the hell through the floor. We had a funny thing that through the least may you're

performing where you were at the boob adore

I was playing at the move Adore I did I got I got a show at the boob adore after my performance What

I did tonight I'm not gonna way

went to the I played a show at the boob adore After I after I usurped control at a piano bar,

I thought it was the trouble window. Nope. We had a funny video. Okay, then I think we're also not gonna punch up our friends jokes. Uh, now, you were at the troop

adore and you were trying to do it out in John does. But he famously plays the piano. You just get on top of it.

Yes, of course. I paid a guy that I met. He also sings. Yeah, when did not do no

tap dancing on top of the piano,

right? And with sticky basketball shoes with

I You? Yeah. Had what? So much traction? Yeah,

I wanted to be different, You know, if I got up there and tap danced, I mean, on top of piano, been there, done that. Got the T shirt. But I

have never, ever done that. Got the T shirt I have. Not now. That is funny. I love that. Maybe this guy hasn't

had sex. Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Okay. But now I wanted to do something different. I wanted to do something.

Decided squeaky basketball shoes of the time.

Doesn't love the sound of basketball

shoes. Does like, um, you know, like a dog whistle that brought all the basketball players in town. Yeah, to howl at the moon, the dueling piano bar you're in. And it became a full court game in there.

Yeah, I little did. I know that there was hoops in there. Ah, and these guys started Ah, throwing down. Ah, and it

sort of

I promised myself I would never watch it

because I hear it every night. Yeah, but

idea it sounded like a like a episode is episode an episode of Stop.

And they had a full five on five game going of basketball. Four basketball players in a pianist versus four basketball players in a pianist.

Yeah. Ah, yeah. And and

referee who is the rest? So it was kind of a dueling basketball teams, but also piano. Yeah, Yeah, I catch these up.

It was pretty tough. It was pretty tough to follow. You know, You had you had, Ah, one guy tickling the tickling of the ivory's and also the the bringer That's tickling of the twine and the ah, any, um, the squeaking of the parquet courts on.

And then you had the tickling of the player or the tickling ref. I'm going to say yes. Where you got into a tickle fight with the ref and hot. Really,

At a certain point, I wanted to just contribute because I was your actually articulate each other. Yeah, actually, were

test for a while. You're just dancing there, squeaking around the piano doing nothing.

Yeah, and everybody else was playing basketball or the piano. And I said, I

actually will. No looking up but football, ref,

hook up. Hotch. Well, it's slobs going to stop now. Google hot. And it

started. It started as me just sort of ribbing him, you know, for like, hey, man, wrong sport, Wrong

sport. Wrong music like Well, I'm the closest to a ref here.

He was just

there to enjoy a night of doing piano. It's right, but he had a deeper shirt on.

There was an umpire that was very scorned by his comment. I'm the closest to a raft here. You saw umpired

kick dirt on dirt on yet got up kicked dirt on me. Hey said, I've I've argued with Tommy Lasorda and I said great reference on. But then

he was so fed up. He said,

I'm outta here. He threw himself out of it.

Wow. And then, of course, hatch leave through a flag. So first

laugh on the vineyard. Yeah, like in the video. Like it

any way you can pick up a ah live recording of this performance at your local F Y e big box music store

way or try to find that old channel fuse. It

will be airing their yeah, life. The live recording

it will be it'll be unf used after five hours of behind the scenes Warped Tour documentaries.

Yeah, but it's a needless to say, it was an eventful week, but the kids have really? Ah, get Let me have it with this whole get off the piano nickname. Uh, you know, I'll tell them Hey, probably will get off the piano. After everything I've been through this week, it's been pretty tough. It's been pretty tiring.

Well, uh, Todd, Padre, over here. Um, theater director, um, feminist. Ah. Women's studies director. Ah, um, Jack of all trades. Uh, Hoverboard Racer. Um, what else did we have me doing? Dirt. Dirt car. Your car. Derrick Cartwright. Season three. Fastest car. Keep an eye out for my disintegrating car. Um, and of course, is I've always been doing inventor of new technologies.

God, come on, top your enough. You don't need to keep having things. Okay? What?

You're obviously searching for something to fill the void. Todd, we've told you this every week. It's time you actually you know well, commit to something. I'll

tell you this. Ah, I am inventing. But I did get back on the dating

APs. Oh, guy. What? Bumble Tender And all

of them. Yeah. Bumble tinder hinge match uglies only. Oh,

I've seen. Okay, Stupid.

Okay. Stupid. Uh, idiot.

Parmesan e Part of what we know. Now we overpay Parmesan. Well, how is this is a stating.

Well, it's the It's dating but the premises, as if the waiters at your table giving you the Parmesan. So the date at any given port, someone can say, OK, thank you. Good deeds over.

So it's kind of each person is being kind of shredded out of a circular thing, or like that's

not literally happening. It's just the concept. It's honestly a rebuff of creek first proper. Uh, which is another date again,

of course. Say, let me know when you've had enough. Yeah, and sort of balls in there,

so yeah, I'm on the next bus. I'm on

What? Your things. When you come

out of the door, you say hi. My name's Todd on these air Three things about

you just quickly say you're

three things like you're walking on the bus and action.

Hi, My name's Todd,

but you can call me Mr Hunk.

I may be

77 but in the bedroom, I'm 13.

Okay, They let you have You can tell for my hat,

but I wish I was a cowboy. And I'm I'm just now finding out that I am allergic to the trip of the craft service.

Oh, wow. That's a tough. That's a tough meat. Yeah, the first. Not, though. There was shrimp at the next craft

service. Also also, I would say

three What? The skimpy at the next table is delicious enough to go back.

I'll just say this, I think. I think maybe you should have flipped, flip the order or even left out the 1st 1 because grip, it sounded a little

left tugged. But you can call him Mr Hunk.

No, I think, I guess. Okay, the second thing, that about you, the 77 looking 13 it's on either side. Back 13

of the bedroom. What do you mean by that? You fell asleep early. Now, you know that that's what

manner at their most. So

that's not the peak. No. All right, people in the room. It line. Yeah, I

people by, but I picked up my bourbons, but yes, yeah, um And so you know, 13 was the best for me. After that, things were all downhill for the next 65 years. Give or take. And so, Yeah, I got it. I got next ID. Um, right off the bus. No, no. Well, um,

I heard it turned

into it. After your you walked out of the bus, it turned into the I quit bus. It wasn't even like I want to see the next person. It was just like I think I'm not ready to date.

That's right. It was the show turned into from next to spend time with myself.

I'm spending time with myself bus. And there were a lot of episodes less left in the season. It wasn't even the last one. That

was a pilot.

Full issue was the

pilot of the new Next.

Bring him back to him TV, which you can also actually see. You can see. Think about spending time with myself. Is that the title? That's right. You could see it also on fuse.

That's right. Right. After 4.5 hours of work, two documentaries and Howard playing basketball with head. Hotch. Ilias The referee question he was out on John. You could see. I think I'm spending some time with myself on Fuse channel 339 on your direct TV.

Well, my name is Sam, Weatherman. I'm, of course, the driver's ed teacher and student government teacher. And, boy, am I happy for these cold, cozy winter months? Ah, yeah, teachers. You know,

you came in with both hands wrapped around your mug.

Absolutely chunky new sweater, each very chunky sweater. Although I noticed out to the neck

you cleaned up on black Friday. I've seen you in something new every day since. That's right. Obviously, your, um L E d TV hat was very

nice, huh? Well, that was a good deal,

so I had to get that 42 inches. 45.

That's a flats of 50 baby.

Oh, my goodness. 50 I walk around your neck was shot out after that day.

Oh, yeah, I've had to go to the doctor, but

it's a hip

television. Yeah, it's an led hat. Okay? Yeah, television. But it's put into a hat. The led is technically from a television. Ah,

lot of

other teachers have actually been complaining because you sort of set a precedent in class of Now you've got TV playing on your hat, of course, on So the kids air saying we'd love it if we could watch TV in other classes, you know, I've had to deal with it in my biology classes. Kids are saying this lessons boring. Can you put a hat on the TV and we could watch TV? And I say, Guys, no,

What is Clarify? I'm not playing a TV for these kids. I'm wearing my hand, I'm wearing my hat and there happens to be old episodes of MASH running on

which the kids love it.

Yeah, I love my kids are old, so they're

What they're thinking is that now that's a funny hat. And a teacher is smart for getting a good gadget on Black Friday. And that's not the only gadget I got. I got an LCD belt. You've seen those belts? That scroll? Yeah. Yes, a 50 inch programmable. Yeah, absolutely. I got old episodes of murder she wrote, so I'm sitting there to follow, so Oh, we're talking season one. The pilot

case? Not the most reason. When's the last

That's right.

time she wrote?

You know, we kind of buried the lead here. It seems like every article of clothing you have is some sort of display.

Yeah. Likes to

talk about my black Friday hall. Yeah, Yeah. I mean, that's what we're doing, what we've got. I will say. See, Manu sandals heard West elm couches. That's right. Huge Karachi's those in Karachi. Couch sandals. I don't

know what Herat is. Oh, that's like Jesus, sandal. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Beach boys thing about him. Now, I noticed that you, um, are exhausted every time walking. You know, I hope this is a shoes off house.

That's right. I hope this a shoes off house. I don't wear socks. I hope that's not a problem. Me,

Their u haul rental rate is skyrocketing. Yeah,

because I have to do it every day. Right? Because if I want to go outside with shoes on, I

have to throw him in the back of the

you know. I saw, too, uh, side by side,

flatbed trucks coming down the road, taking up both lanes, cars dipping into the ditch. And it was just you with your

to couch feet. Kind of like riding in between. The truck was grazed. Yeah,

well, I saw John Claude Van Damme's movie where he does that. He doesn't split. I actually think it's a Volvo commercial.

Well, I think he did it in a movie. And then he recreated it for the Volvo.

I've only seen the booth relies on. I figured that's part of the best way for me to get around couch feet

and dry what's in the

back of the feet back on

the back of the So

there was kind of like those air the band aids you usually have on your blisters. Yes, TV.

You must have gotten a fantastic deal at call. Yeah, what you're wearing it looks like it's about 15 15 grand, 15 grand,

and you're known for Well, I don't I guess I wouldn't

say you're known for your deals. Good deals.

I don't know. What are

we talking deals wise? Well, it's black Friday, so the same zehr huge of course, right? Of course. What they don't tell you is you got to be one of the 1st 200 people through the store. But I wasn't gonna wait all night in line. Yeah, get beat up four times by people smaller and younger than me, and then go in and not come out with

anything. Famously. Don't wake up until 7 p.m. Exactly.

Because you spend most of the night of Thanksgiving going through people's trash thing. If you put together your own Thanksgiving meal,

that's right. That's right. Do you have about

because it was a problem is they buy so much food here in America way just throw away. It's like I don't care

if I have to eat a turkey toe out of here turkey lips out of somewhere else.

I'll eat a

whole turkey out of the garbage before I'm done. And you know what? I feel like I'm the most thankful person. I'm doing it just like the pill. And the problem

is, most people they don't your your rummaging around Thanksgiving night, the, uh, the ram, their

program ege each edge each. There're a match own to be or not drum. Bacardi Ramage. Trash

Theo. Gift of the rematch. I Ramage. Rummage Springer.

So I got the rum itch. I need my run.

No. When the Amish do the rummage spring, that's what I learned it. Everybody knows it's where I come from. Well, I didn't

know you grow up. Very, uh, devout. Yes, you're You're not doing anything out. Acidic

Amish secured beard.

Big way. It's a part of the beards. Amish. Part of the beard is just money, but it's multiplied its beard. Richter scale like its

beard to the beard degree.

Exactly. It's acidic to the Amish group. Oh, my goodness. Wow. Honestly, the Hasidic degree. Depending on which church here from right. Right. What church? You run,

right? So But when I was going to say is most of you don't throw what they Thanksgiving is famous for its left over. That's right. So what's in the trash? That night is usually foiled. Greece can cans that have been properly washed out. Hello. My tongue. Right juice right out

of a river of a sharp remember cranberry sauce. Camp pumpkin Can turkey.

Pumpkin. Hey, have you ever

had can turkey? No. It's like having a can, uh, just vanish. Yes, it's

damage. I was famished this year. I cannot speak Spanish. No. And you guys

know, But I love it. It's very salty. Yes, very salty. Which makes it hard toe enunciate. Yeah.

Yes. So I'm feeling pretty stuffed. I

had a good meal. I went to 30 different houses and got a little bit out of each trash can on. And I feel very I feel very blessed this year. Gotten, you know, all of my new belongings, which I feel bad about being a consumer. But when you get this cool of a deal,

yeah, I mean, were packed in here with two West own couch is a bunch of TV's on your head. I mean, it is it's quite a sight. I do

think that it was a little disappointed when you invited us over to watch Lincoln, and it was actually just a top hat.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I apologize. I didn't know what you guys think you were gonna get, but yeah, it was

Yeah. I thought I

was headed over to watch. Name one movie. Just name one movie here.

Every movie that was ever made, you gotta move to one. The terminal

knives out. But see, that doesn't make sense, because that's still in the theater. Uh, let's just say live ass in the Furious. I came over to watch fast. If you're is,

we stared at a belt. Yeah. Sorry. I weigh my It wasn't plugged in. I dealt, wasn't plugged in, and I apologize. Well, I you

said sit on my nice, comfortable couch. We said on a pair of Rambus sandals.

Well, I was using my other chaired FSU's. What do you want to

take off my shoes so you can sit on my shoes?

That's true. That's discussed. It's crazy like that. Great and account, you know, Bill. Hello, Bill. Crazy. Let's get through. These introductions were almost about this. Hit the brake. Everyone is

clamouring to have you play Santa again this year. Uh, I

go big, go big. I get into character method Santa,

You're but you do a good, big method, Santa. You gain the way you grow the beard out. Um, you marry Mrs Claus.

Oh, boy. Do you get in the way?

Yes. Now, Mrs

Claus, which is my Ah, Panther? Yeah. W asked me.

I marry Mrs calls. Uh, that's it

you marry a panther, you dress it up and read. Uh, that nice, uh, Mrs Claus wig. Yes, you come. And you you every time you get you are so patient with the kids when they come and they tell you what they want for Christmas on. We have our Christmas assembly. But you said this year you're not interested in doing

it. That's right. Ah, I just I can't listen to these kids anymore. I just I can't there suck. You remember last year when I when I snapped a little bit with somebody

you snap like Ken Shamrock in the W W you pull the kids ankle So

handsome ankles I I really lost it when these kids that they just keep want mawr more and more they're entitled. So I just everybody go

home and watch the movie The protector, uh, and go fast for about an hour, 45 minutes into it to where he breaks about 45 people's arms and legs and ankles. And this is what Bill did to every single kid.

Kids are so needy, they sit on your lap one time and they're like, Where's the DVR?

I like people say you can t. We are. A lot of people say

that the kids were asking for very normal things. I had just been living off of cookies for a month and Onley drinking milk and I'm severely lack toes intolerant. Yes, you

go mad when you go. Method of Santa?

Yes, kind of mad cow disease. When you drink,

I well, I have what's called

the most lactose intolerance of any human being

and intolerant for Hugh means. Like emotionally, Ideologically you be?

Yes, it's a lack. Tose spawned intolerance of humanity. And it is so. I am, of

course, if I'm drinking Onley milk, the whole list. Big glasses, big milky glasses is

vitamin D E F milk, not just vitamin D. Yes, this is definitely

definitely milk is what it's That's a new venture of yours. You said people, you say the milk

is fake in the store came out with definitely men I've

ever suspicious with the FDA and my definitely milk. So I have to place it in stores myself. Stores won't stock it.

What are you doing that? What

do you mean?

How are you? Are you having to do a big trick or look the other way

is your way. It is a big

trick. Has a bit say you've been You've been turned away at Food Lion Kroger I Johns I g A. Harris Teeter

of Cuban cover. I mean, that's just that's the daily iceberg. Honestly, chameleons

Floridians. How these Kiefer

stupors and songy bots Grandma's Grandma's was a bad one. I thought I was in a grandma's. But yeah, I am also sewing definitely milk. It's actually milk, unlike the crap that you're buying.

So is actually milk a different product indefinitely? Milk.

Actually, milk is a companion to definitely.

What is

that? The product is called definitely milk. But to clarify

it is actually really male. What about simply milk? Simply milk? Well,

that is my actually milk, but it's pared down. Its none of the bullshit. It's simply built

sway. What bullshit is in chocolate, Actually what trashes and definitely milk Tell us now. Well, nobody were chocolate. Thank you. Think rial milk is chocolate milk? That's what do you think? That's what I grew up. Drinking was distorts and you throw out all the milk because it's not Jack. That's what happened. I can't buy in this white milk at the stores. And I was like, This is not

definitely milk. This is not definitely milk. There's not enough of the actually milk. So I started making my own milk. Eso

simply melt, which is which is white. But it is way, way now. You've also respond Another product. Oh, yeah, The white stuff s so that she's just Manning's. You don't know the word man is the white stuff. How much we're

gonna be. You go. You order a sandwich. You know, you got your bad your turkey of that issue. But

I can your mash side. I mean, this all

came from me being in a Russian a subway and getting into it with the person working because I couldn't remember the thing I news. Well, sucker punching. Okay, we got into and yes, I sucker punch them

in the back of the hand. Turnaround gets

him Brandy. Yeah, I said, yeah. Can you point out which breads your favorite? And they turned around and bam broke my arm. My hand shoulder dislocated.

The kind of went on the person of spinal just discord. AEA and the person you hit, like, brushed the back of their head

and like us must be leaking. That was a water drop.

That's right. And they spent $50 trying to figure out with

so on. How did they spend this? $50. Well,

let's just say they got a call from the weekend.

But I think this is you. You book them. You booked yourself? Is the leak inspector books, right? But But I heard the leak inspector showed up in full body casts. Weight recently

come upon a missed sucker punch.

Similar story to use way. All know anyone who's here

is talking about it. Realise this Todd is about Yes.

No, no, no. I said you better don't have any weeks. I'm coming in today.

You also

tasked to find a findem? Uh, Julianna sans right? You, inspector.

That's right. I was the wikileak inspector as well. And the problem with finding a Sanders. He and I have the same greasy hair, so I kept it. Gonna have him. They said that Zionism, your murder.

You have been tricked by mirrors so many

times. I don't I don't think that Yeah, I guess you're right. I think mirrors air tricky. Um, I don't trust a mirror. Um I, uh You guys were all at my wedding, which ended up being, uh I thought it was a portly wife, but it was just me in a fun house.

You thought it was a portly

one that I was marrying a portly wife. But it turned out it was a fun house mirror. And she's

not a wife until you marry her. You can't just marry a wife. Yeah, You sound just like my portly wife. So in this in this

in this story, your portly wife quote unquote was talking to you, and it was, you

know, by the way, I got butt fucked on the pre nup. You lost all your money to go to that funhouse. It's

got all my belongings. He

did that to yourself tied,

but I will say are tall, thin long Son is doing very well. Unfortunately, I didn't get custody. She's right next to his mother, but

his name Pa Dodger

Pot cadre. Tall, thin, long son. Um and I got a ton of kids in there. I go back every once in a while and get lost.

Well, it sounds like

we're all doing good. And with winter coming up that's having to spend a little more solo time at home to stay bundled. I think that's good for our health. Yeah, absolutely. Don't want to be crazy and isolated. You

could be crazy,

and you could be isolated, but it's not good to be both.

That's right. Now, that's why I'm glad to have friends like you. I'm sorry. Um, we didn't get to spend our Thanksgivings together.

That's a,

uh uh and we've got a guest here, so we maybe should take a little break.

Yeah, I have to pee.

Anything you guys want to watch?

Um, yeah. Do you have one thing? Well, we've got mash on top Emergency write down. What about? So get me up with designing women on the street.

You got it.

All right, folks, thanks so much for hanging in there while we, uh, paid the man, you know. Hold on. I just gotta go throw some away in the trash real quick,

huh? Oh! Oh, my. My shoes were tied together. Oh, God damn it. Now. Interesting. Improperly. No, I don't know

what happened here. Uh, this ties in really nicely with our guest braid in Britain is one of our students who, you know, in an effort Teoh to reach him further. We, uh he got in trouble and said they told him he'd have to spend some time with us. S O. This is a part of his detention, but welcome to the lounge. Brayden. That's funny.

Oh, Roasted.

Yeah, Be laughing as I don't know, I don't think we should be laughing.

I was you, Howard. And I'm calling you by your first name, Mr Lavish. Now, I ain't doing

that. Well, you said you were fixing the podcasting

equipment. You tied my kids together. Yeah, title when you fell in your little your little woman, But

wow. Big, chunky male, but

And even if it was a woman, But that wouldn't be a problem, Brayden.

No. People should have their own body parts.

I will serve

gender. I

just want to say you know what? Everything you're doing today is really funny. And I totally get that for you. I need to talk to someone. Let me know.

Whatever men, I'll drive your car right into another

car. You like my dad, Sam? Oh, wait. No. Your problem. You. I

think we got off on the wrong foot here. Break. I think we all need to just take a minute, take a little chill pill as the kids pills. Well, okay. Don't do that. Braille.

And do you know there is actually jail pills? There are chill pills. Cubes? Yes. They're called excuse. Read up on S S R ice cubes inhibit.

Okay. You're from being worn. Okay, Get our Well, Brian and I refused to believe that we're not going to get through to you today. So where this is a time for us to really open up with you, for you to open up to us and and

see. But I'm rolling my eyes.

for us to

Huh? Are working.

Are you talking to our listeners

talking to the list?

They could hear it in your Don't

you dare talk this Brighton on the mic. You're not gonna 20 to Howard

Stern today. That is not what we're here

for. You're not gonna You're not gonna goes to admit our deepest sexual secrets

and you're not

well, not Todd. Do you do anal? Okay. See? Dodged your question perfectly.

And also, we're not gonna let you bring your little free.

She didn't get my guy you say that they were

braiding his boy?

00 is

she? Oh, are you talking to get under breath? Snow thing? Gender

is the most real thing that ever happened

to the most real thing that ever happened.

Feces state, You know, genetic exist until 1980

one. No, Jason Howard in their eyes and eyes our You know what? Be like Ike and be a man. Goto war.

I'm not gonna

change what I know because Brandon is saying I'm not going to just let him say something.

And what's the first thing you hear when a baby's born good? It's a boy. No,

I know you're dying to say I've seen the video of your birth. I've seen the video of your birth and I heard what your father said The moment that you came out on. I don't think you should be carrying that with you. Bring. I think that's that's actually a symptom of what? Of the problem that you have. The

only praise my dad's ever given me. Good. It's a boy

and you have taken on his voice.

You know what you need? You need a speaking.

I don't dio corporal.

Okay. Well, I want

the Oh, wait. If we get new

corporal punishment, we should do corporate because it's HR something I wish I wish I could, But way don't

rat this weekend, okay? We don't rat on Kids were not rats. Good. We let him be little Fockers and I would never rat on.

I love wearing little fuckers pants.

You told me those were little

Fockers pants. You told me those were advertising the movie.

Yeah, well, you believe me.

That's why we let you wear those in school

because they were a funny ad for the movie. He would never let her kid. Where little fuckers. But will you let you do a tie in for little Fockers?

You believe

you bet everything on your body? Best be it best. Be promoting, Mr Stiller. Everything better Bay? Is that a guest shirt? That better be a guest shirt is that that's not a guy. Don't have an idea, but that better be against shirt. What would What is

that tie into Ben Stiller's?

I said I didn't have an idea quickly labeled

their God. Brenda, listen

for any Ben Stiller movie Bill, anybody

name one Bill.

Oh, I got one, right, models zero. I know. I know that better be a zoo lander shirt and not

pool. And er

yeah, it's fucking cool. And, er

Oh, that bell poo.

And he's doing blue steel.

That's what guests means. Poulin. Er

yeah. Guess means Palander

bread in Britain. I think that, um you know, you and I have had a little bit of a beef ever since you came to my history play and roasted my history facts. Yeah, um, which we all know is the climax of the play. And so I invited you on as a dramaturg to try to connect with you.

What did you call me? Dramaturg. I thought you called me a dramaturge.

And No, no, I didn't really

frickin calls me a turd. But my dad and he's coming

back. It is not coming back. Left this town No disappeared like

secrets in this town. So he just had to go a town over.

left this earth. I think your dad's dead. We've

And I think he

your dad Skeleton. We found on the outskirts of town in a big bush.

And I hate to break it to your dad was not big boned. He was fat.

Now, are you gonna stop being such a bad boy?

Oh, he's actually got a small scale. Small

boned and fat. Just when it's gonna happen to you.

Now, be a good boy, OK, We've solved your issue, your good boy. Now,

I wish that

was my mom.

Okay? Rating. Your mom is a lovely lady. All right? Your mom, uh, shoes. The best realtor in town.

Oh, come on. She's always just salad and flipping houses. You call our factor. That's what you say. I said you ate a realtor. You affect her.

Let me ask you this, Brayden. Thanks. You roast Well, what do you like? What do you

enjoy? That was gonna Teoh

dallying. Okay, Well, have you ever thought of joining the school's mm? A team, Uh,

or or speech and debate.

I mean, it's exactly bullying. It's

your ramen. A point I tried

to do in the debate team and we were going to debate. They said, should we be fully federally legalized? And I pulled down my debaters pants I smacked Monitor debater. Well, I said debater, I hate him.

You say they smacked

his bottom. This wasn't a spanking. It was a single bottom smack.

And then he had to go. He was so bad Hurt hit in a smoking weed. But his for his pain

now in medicinal marijuana That proved your point report. Yeah, it's kind of dead. Long haul.

And did you ever even give him a chance to do a rebuttal?

I gave a bull rebuttal, okay? Smacked his rebuttal.

Um, bread she spanked is again running is a boy this boy? Nothing so far. But it said this now that's more

true than I am a boy. I like blue and trains there. The last thing I'll see before I die.

Like running through your brain or your goto trains running through your

brain now construction site in a big old bulldozer.

There's a big difference between something with wheels and trains. The those are the same thing.

Okay, well, I think I'm

gonna see trains, but I might see

you Ho. Okay. You settle for a pullback. Little

for a bulldozer. Front, front, front. Hope

Guys, Don't give me a backup. you know who is a Bekoe is Todd. Oh, my God,

Todd, you've been roasted. I don't know

what you mean by that. Even I'm not insulted because I don't understand.

God, you are well done over there. I guess you're well done. You've been a good road. Straight.

I put the heat up. I I got a nice sear on the outside. Put it in the oven number to slow roast on

your cooking. It always

locking in your juices. Boy, you've been careful cause I think I will say her for the rest of the guests. But I

mean a boy. Phil, I swear to God, if I found out I was a girl, I killed myself.

What? Come on. Us Dio imagine having

to do with any part of your identity you have not looked into.

Oh, not us.

You know, we all are very firmly planted and who we are. We know exactly We are. We know what we like. We know what we want.

If we

start with therapy now, it will be an endless an endless trove until we crow. Yeah, I can't even start to scratch the surface. I'm a certain amount of years old, but I've got double that amount of years of unpacking to do, so I can't start now.

This something. Maybe you saw the video Sophie Density video right after my dad said It's a boy. Good, he said. And I know it's straight.

Geez, Dad. Sounds like a real prick.

Glad we killed him and took a skilled.

He did it. That's not him. I said he died of natural causes

of the outskirts of town. But it's not true. We killed

We killed your dad and we ate him.

Have you Have you ever seen? I

know you did last summer? No.

Okay, I haven't either, but I think this happens in it. They hit somebody with their car, and that was us.

And we learned from watching the movie. It was Sam. Sam was having a little trouble behind the wheel

Now, boy Sam

way freaked like not only we hit the body. Then we ate the flash because we've seen the movie. So we do.

If we hide the body, he's coming back

well, and we had tortillas we already had. To wear a professor is not a

single way that you ate my dad's for fetus. There's not a single way is not a single because this one's tough that you could. He was a coal miner. The most masculine thing you can be. There's nothing more mass covered macular jobs. Okay, let's go. Coal miner, Monster Truck driver. Man who throws people out of bars also. And lady job permanent jobs. Wife, Mother Hore doesn't take money.

Oh, alright, Britain. I'm not gonna let

you stay by late women. This

All right? All right. I'm not gonna be Cyrus. I am silent. I

am as bad as you. Silence is acceptance. I think women can be so much more than a mother, a wife and an unpaid horror. All right,

so brave. Talk, name, name one other thing that could be.

And I'll tell you how that's either a mother wine for

a female lawyer. Female. Lose the female part.

See, I'm learning. Is

noticing is just a lawyer. That's a woman

braided Brayden. You are. You remind me a lot of myself at your age. You are scared. All right? Yeah. And you have a lot of growing to do. This is no way to talk about women. It's no way to talk about your mother, Who is we all know Sold me My thanks, sir. What's that? Take their realtor. A realtor. She is a

real life term. She is a ter, and she earned it. It's a realtor. Yeah, right. She is my mother, and she is a wife because she's currently married to my father. And when he comes back, they're gonna have sex, and she's not gonna get paid is back. You card his skeleton off here when you take it.

Yeah, that skeleton, because

I'd like to do some weird stuff

with it. But

now we're like, I didn't want to bring it up. Bring, But in biology class, you, uh,

you summoned a couple of goes via scouts. Is that what you're gonna say? No, Uh, that we have to do that. That was the

big thing. So I said

that was the big headline I was going to say. Is that it? There's been

plenty of free. No, no, no, no. That plenty. Good enough.

Uh, look, I hate your point of view. I mean, you are. But the worst of all your stuff is your God. You're fucking cough and your summon ghosts. I mean, Come on.

I just were

black after blue. That's the most masculine color after blue After blue goes blue You want to hear how three top three buoyant colors go? Let's go blue, black clear

You quickly home Millions. You talked

over the justification Heard one. I'm sorry. And it was It was one that I think listeners need busier back one

more time and the justification are clear is that's what a condom is. They're kind of milky, opaque, milky is not a color. Well, well, God. Oh, God be with you on that.

Yeah, milk is, of course, chocolate colored, But actual milk is white or no, simply actual Milken's chocolate. And of course, the white stuff is made

Well, you've got a new paint

company that you've started, of course. Called Milky.

Milky. Yeah, And so it's all the different clothes of the milk rainbow Eso You're pinning your house? Any of those colors?

Milk is so feminine. Everything has a gender. Milk is a girl.

Everything has a gender. Absolutely one. But drums

boy boats, boy cars a boy hair hair girl, skin girl carpet girl groups Four boys,

four boys by boys.

Uh, no, before But foot a boy, you kick with it. Art girl. It makes you feel things would boy, I get some. That's nice. Uh, if there's crashes in them, Boy, if their feelings in a girl

about them on Louise, it ends in a crash, but it's got a lot of feelings.

Well, they wish they wear short sleeves. So, boy,

what about thumb and Louis summoned Louis

thumbs or boy's fingers or girls? I agree. Gets in your teeth. Annoying girl

thing is actually pretty amazing brain the speed with which you could do. Yeah, you gotta

maybe turn this into a career

how you engender thing, The only

thing that matters. I do so well in German because every word has a gender.

Yeah. Interesting. Beat the language. Yeah.

Oh, masculine or feminine.

Howard piping up a German.

Okay. How are no Howard's? They're not finished as anti Semitic

thing. I don't support the Germans.

You just look like the worst one of all time.

No, I don't. I don't do that. How

come? I was walking through the hall with the other day and I got blonde hair and blue eyes and you said Good. Good question

our I would say This is great. I

was minding my own bees wax.

I was I thought it was great. It's no longer the worst. And

going around the campus just like holding your hand out, swiping down at the person's about Yngling. Good, right? Bad. Good. And you don't that

I've seen you

good ones. The whole passage of Ohio

Pez. Okay, that's that Gets to quote hit the showers. Big wing you are. You said I'll give you

a gold star, but not the kind you want.

Well, Howard, what about all this up you have for sure? Said answered all for him. I forgot. Sensitively. You drive a Nazi sled. Okay, You do over cities.

I do. I drive a Mercedes. What is a hand me down from

From Who has got a couple holes? Young grandfather Hinrich

No, no for my my my my Uncle Herbals. His name is gerbils, but he's not that guy.

Your uncle was the Gerber baby?

Yes, my hamburger. Believe wearables, baby. Yeah, yeah, it was gerbils, baby. He was not herbals.

I think it

was gerbils. Baby is We thought the gerbils killed his whole family when it killed himself. I think gerbils baby survived.

There's the history. I could use you as a dramaturg on my Anne

Frank calling me a dramaturge.

Well, I don't know the word

of God History. Play

my history. Play. Yeah. Yeah, Well, I did the history play which was facts dramatized, Yeah, to go whoring kids a little bit. Barry

already I started. I started shouting

He's how ready he started. Shouting and

snoozing. You're almost shouting in your sleep. You're so bored in

the I was snooze allowed

the gender of the chamber of sleep Male dreams Girl s a man or a girl Comforter when I comforter

girl sheet boy, sheep pillow sheep yet to Canton? That's math Boy. What about pillows? Ah, fucking girl. I see. Right on the bed.

No topsy room. So hard Core. What finish? She fitted sheet.

Sit. This girl

damn heard

pointed to his muscles. E

I see on the mattress underneath a top sheet interests. But I don't use a fitted sheet, so I wouldn't. When I go to bed, my brain goes blank like I did.

You're not hitting Ram then? That's the

anxious different. You have 40

cups of coffee and then get Hey, right. I'm up every 23 minutes

on the duck. Well braided. Look, I feel like this is we tried to change you, and it's been combative. It has. Look, we're not going to change you. You're going through puberty. You got a lot of anger I want to get in through. We've got You

know, you're bragging about your pubes now.

You want to see him?

Yeah. So that was misconstrued. I want proof. I want you to museums. No, not throw that proof way. Want a pew proof? Right now? Proof will

be in the pudding and I'll serve you some.

Okay? I don't need putting. Everybody said about me. I don't eat putting because

the mixing here some beach, Sam Big mix up the big makes up in the area to big mix ups. Both chocolate and Tapia. Where you thought you you thought you were

You tap yolk pudding and it was Brown diary.

I don't know what I was like. Well, it stinks, but it must be that tapioca crap. Speaking of drying out of the toilet, Sam, I was putting I assume everyone thinks is young in the booth. You had a nibble sitting cross legged in front of the studio in front of the John Cross. Like you like working the knife back in fourth. Just like 77. I was baking cartoonists filmed it, get the mannerisms right for their new You had

to roll up your tongue and put it back in your

mouth. So, uh, so I had a little putting miss back off your pubes. Have ab pubes. I have. I've eaten. Should I just threw a handful of his pubes into the air. Now,

brave. And I'll say it. I'll say this.

You guys just keep down.

I didn't want to bring this up, but

they have told him straight out,

seeing you shame Sam like this for his putting mix upbraided. It made me want to

bring great putting Makes up great. But it makes me want to bring to the history books I two years ago. You can't just submit things todo your back. But you got you You gotta who's our textbook? I food and Midler out together. Just so everyone knows what app slobs. But yeah, we submitted the mifflin. Who said he's getting tossed it over? Hey,

we got something for the history books. It's the great critic

at all of this accident. Leading some putting back into its

own chapter is a tie into, like the Iraq war.

You wish you was. You wish you is brain frickin wishes. I'm going past

being mad at you. Braid.

What were you trying t o

say brain and I didn't want to bring it up, but I have actually heard through the grapevine around the school that there had you

up on that great fun.

I know you try, but this information did get through. A lot of people say the reason you're so anxious and upset all the time is one because your father

helping back he just needs the good cigarettes.

No, you're dead

shit. You don't eat it. Then maybe way gobbled him up and we was fall. And we had dessert

after you. About you, baby. No way. You keep my whole dad. He's so big and strong.

I used his teeth as the corn in my poop.

He played in the XFL. What you

did you hear that? You heard that right? Used the Tito. We

got a corn on access. What's the

question, Howard?

Okay, don't eyes is not our fault.

Yeah, I'm not gonna add any other more anymore. Other information that we conspire love, uh, drug in seventh grade braid. And everybody has talked about it. It's you've tried to sort of squash the story. Did you just cough out of fear of the story? I'm about to tell you

I like a fear calmer. This your coffee?

I heard cough exactly

like that. Last time I saw Wolf

get to the question. Our schools, our boys.

I heard that in seventh grade you said that you sat in somebody's lunch. And But is this a And everybody knows you made a dangerous fart.

I wrote a movie about it and you put your changed it to mind Last second. If you're asking if in social studies

the seventh grade and Mr Bieber's class I farted too big and shat my pants. You're wrong. You got the story wrong. All right. Call up TMZ telling to put down his little Shaw.

Tim Z The one guy named James

call up Mr. TMZ got it wrong. I didn't shit my pants. I sat in a girl's lunch who came? She was hungry and I was trying to bully her. Okay? Got her lunch from the food. But

it wasn't

thing if you're a

long time and I wanted to bully her because

first lunch in a long time

a gold star bullying right there.

Somebody gets there first lunch and you sit on it.

I said, we're being so

hard on braid and let us actually acknowledge some of your good thing. You didn't make it on the top bully list in the nation. You got people haggling stars than anybody people magazine is doing. Ah, horrible new settlement called best bullies and winter nationals and bullying. Right? And what

was your

big Got a big final floor performance, right? Visit

a, uh swirly. Did you do swirling? You can't just do a swirly Everybody's except

half for attacking the bully. The bully Olympic

I was up against Scaramucci are Scaramucci son know him Him He entered himself in

Wow hold of him.

It was you and Scaramucci. One on one had the head of the finals

and everybody is expected. He's pulling out a big ivory toilet and I go I know what he's doing He's pulling swear Lee

classing But Orlie, where Is he

pulling out this? You this Ivory Toilet Co You wish you knew, huh? I do ask. Why ask

the question. Pulled it from the next

day. She stole it from the judges. It's Sam ran up. Sam ran

up, tried to eat at it would be held him back.

Well, I thought it was putting

someone that shed and didn't flush it, cause all kinds of funny stuff like that is happening at the bullied. And no, no.

One the right of the stage because it's never been bullies in the audience. It's set up just like

a dog competition. But with police,

I was gonna ask. What? Who's your handler and what were you? A part A famous boy

famous famously a bully bracketing with her bully nous Lately it's right on her.

Thank you. Have a come

toe come to Jesus moment with your bully rating, I think or soften up.

I love to cos I love pulled him off the cross.

Oh, so you but you're the one that's been doing that well, we've solved the case of the disappearing Jesus.

I call on Easter when you pull a Jesus off the cross you call it an Easter?

Uh, you stir the Astor because what? He's Ah,

he's gone. He's gone. I was hot on the the case.

I was I had a lead

for the disappearance. Did you think it was? Well,

we were having a share, Lakoff.

That's right. As you could tell by our big magnifying glasses

and we got a

head start. A couple fires confers, but yes. So it's you, Chelsea Handler's walking your ass around scared when she pulls out the toilet. You wear a leash?

Yeah, I'm in a dog collar.

Good. Keep you. What did you

did contain? I found I did a little bit of re Kon does. Oh, you found out about scary movies? Maybe. What? Yeah, What I found out recently. He's got a sister. Oh, real sick. Oh, no. Existing six ancestor. His sixth sister is sick

of six sisters Sick. The

sixth sister with syphilis, six sisters sick with syphilis. And she's going crazy. She's past the point of penicillin. She

said She said,

Sister secret, civilised. Get to person

past penicillin. So I look at right in the eyes and I say this three things a woman could be and he's like, Where is this going? I'm a I'm a boy. And I hate women, too. So this seems like a slam dunk for him, right? I look him right. He

says that out loud.

He says that I hate women to judge. Oh, he's immediately awarded a point. Merely award a point. And I have to know that he's getting some points for some of these things.

And you'd just were, Ah, you all pro beside. But judges Simon Cowl, uh, Nicole Scherzinger Baldwin and Baldwin, Howard Stern, Andy Borowitz