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s09e29
Surf Vs. Turf (with Devin Field)

The Teachers talk about hell, Todd's step count, and Howard's fear of water. Later, Bill's brother Chris Cravy (Devin Field) makes his bid to become a permanent co-host of the show.

0:00:01
spk_1
 

Todd Aiken. You feel hot? I could feel I could feel heat radiating off you. What's going on, buddy? Energy or like, body? It just I'm sitting next to you and I can kind of I feel like it kind of feels like I'm sit next to a radiator.

0:00:13
spk_0
 

What the hell's going on, man? Did

0:00:14
spk_1
 

you exercise before this?

0:00:17
spk_2
 

Yeah, well, I tried to get my steps in. Uh, so yeah, I'm coming in. I mean, you see, you see what I'm wearing? I'm in my workout clothes.

0:00:25
spk_3
 

Get your daily step count. Goal. Now I'm up.

0:00:28
spk_2
 

Teoh. What did they say? You need 10,000 is the best, So I'm getting about 100 now.

0:00:33
spk_0
 

Oh, wow. Yeah, that is much less.

0:00:35
spk_2
 

That's great. Well, it's much less, but I think there's an issue with my step counter because my phone's always falling out of my pants. Right. Uh, and so I think it's it's now

0:00:47
spk_3
 

you're putting in step. So you're not getting credit for That's what I think we're Bob. Let me

0:00:51
spk_1
 

see your phone. Let me see your phone and let me look at it.

0:00:54
spk_2
 

Okay? Yeah. Yeah, Well,

0:00:56
spk_5
 

that some of these

0:00:56
spk_1
 

companies stuff does this step Counter app is the one. Yeah. Yeah. Todd, uh, this is app where you just put the names of your step Children into it. Okay, so it has zero in their zero. Yeah, but their slots for 10,000 slots for 10,000 status

0:01:15
spk_2
 

for 10,000 step Children is what's healthy, What they say you're supposed to. I

0:01:19
spk_1
 

think this app is not about steps at all. This isn't a health app. This is just so you could keep track of the people in your life.

0:01:24
spk_2
 

Oh, well, gonna have to call my accountant. I stopped payment on this thing.

0:01:31
spk_5
 

How much did you pay

0:01:32
spk_1
 

for? God? Is there in that purchases? Oh, yeah, I say.

0:01:35
spk_2
 

Yeah, well, I bought. Yeah, I about each slot I bought you by each new slot. You can't take the steps if you don't have the slots. What? I understood it's all about all these slots, obviously, about some coins so that I could get some, uh, corn. Okay. I thought you said corn. Know why I bought coin from corn for my far. Um, about about some cows. You know, I'm building my farm out to on the sap I think

0:02:04
spk_1
 

it does have a sort of like a Simpsons tapped out. Sort of. Ah, world building Sims. Kind of offshoot.

0:02:11
spk_3
 

How many different ways with eases up sucking her and you out of money?

0:02:15
spk_2
 

Well, I have to send them a picture of my face, but it Z I could only figure that out because I was translating the language from Russian English in my Google translate trouble your sudden in my face from hundreds of different

0:02:30
spk_5
 

Todd. There's a tab in this app that you stay in the back of your head. Yeah, it's a whole head. So they're going to make a Todd Padre head. I don't

0:02:38
spk_2
 

know. It's it's so I could count my steps is what I understand.

0:02:43
spk_1
 

There's a whole tab on here that's a sensitive personal information.

0:02:47
spk_2
 

Well, yeah, they got to know as much about you for health stuff is what I understood.

0:02:51
spk_3
 

I think the KGB is making a Todd.

0:02:53
spk_5
 

Yeah, it seems like that's what I

0:02:55
spk_1
 

think. And then there they're using this other game thing. The farm building game to see your life. What? You active

0:03:02
spk_3
 

position? Farm. What you put into the fund

0:03:05
spk_1
 

has your personal address on

0:03:07
spk_2
 

personal address. I mean, just if you if I had a farm, that's the address it

0:03:10
spk_5
 

was leaving in wake in time.

0:03:12
spk_2
 

Wait, sweetie, wait. Times DNA I had to send in my hair.

0:03:15
spk_3
 

Oh, my God. And that

0:03:16
spk_2
 

doing a, uh, toucher in candidate. I

0:03:20
spk_3
 

think so That I think they're going to produce a full Todd, and he's going to become an assassin.

0:03:25
spk_2
 

Oh, Jesus. Well, I'll tell you, if I had a bad boy clone out there, it would be it would help get me out of some things. I could manage that excuse. Yeah. You know, like

0:03:35
spk_3
 

a You're pulling a long one on that. Maybe this is actually good

0:03:38
spk_2
 

for I think this is good for me. And then I go back to Red Lobster and I'm like, Hey, that picture you have up of the guy you can't allow in that was my clone. Yeah, known

0:03:48
spk_3
 

assassin. And then you can dive back into the lobster. Tanking

0:03:53
spk_2
 

is like I made this deal with them. Throw the rubber bands on my hands and let me dive Hit rubber bands, right. A fair fight.

0:04:03
spk_1
 

You are 30 times bigger than everyone of those last years, you rip.

0:04:07
spk_2
 

But they could breathe underwater.

0:04:08
spk_5
 

Yeah. And

0:04:09
spk_3
 

you've now taken away his thumbs. The human advantage. That's the thing. That's the only advantage. Would have

0:04:16
spk_2
 

loved her. Advantage is the thumbs. And I said, no! I'll go north up. Throw me underwater. Their turf.

0:04:26
spk_3
 

Of course, they will not fight on turf. We've had this fight before us. They die. Die

0:04:31
spk_2
 

quickly. The issue of the big The second issue is people walk by and they'll go. I want that one. And then I'm getting served up. Yeah, that's a problem. If they could get me out, what

0:04:41
spk_6
 

are they gonna

0:04:42
spk_3
 

finally do? This, You know, Royal Rumble of surf versus terms.

0:04:45
spk_2
 

The world is

0:04:46
spk_3
 

well versed. Fish. What? Who wins? Surf versus turf.

0:04:52
spk_1
 

It depends on the terrified.

0:04:53
spk_5
 

Well, yeah,

0:04:54
spk_3
 

It could be a swimming competition official. Wipe the floor with those that could be a grass eating competition. Cows will wipe the floor with those fat fish. Should

0:05:03
spk_2
 

be surprised. Fish, will you? Grass,

0:05:05
spk_3
 

seagrass. Cigarette? I didn't even think about it. Yeah. Wow. This is actually a really great idea. Surf versus turf. Yeah. I think this might have Teoh next big project. I think I have to get behind this.

0:05:19
spk_2
 

Yeah, and I think it's best to seven. You do. You dio

0:05:21
spk_5
 

absolute What a full playoff.

0:05:23
spk_2
 

And you switch home home in a way. Summer on serve, summer on turf. You keep it even. It's a

0:05:28
spk_1
 

full season. There's, Ah, it's like a football 16 weeks season maybe. Uh alright.

0:05:33
spk_2
 

Bet you I would put so much money that you're not even getting to Game five. Turf gets owned by surf. Well,

0:05:40
spk_5
 

you know really? Yeah, yeah. In the surf. What about

0:05:43
spk_3
 

when we're back on the

0:05:44
spk_5
 

plains? Fisher flopping around?

0:05:46
spk_2
 

I think a floppy fish still has a good fight in it, especially the Mikey backed fish.

0:05:50
spk_3
 

My question is, how do we solve home court advantage? Who has four games on their surf or turf?

0:05:56
spk_2
 

I mean, whoever has the most delicious record,

0:05:58
spk_3
 

that is true. And for me, it's

0:06:01
spk_1
 

beef. It's definitely beef. I've never had fish that I like.

0:06:04
spk_2
 

You know where you have to try my breads, you know, Now you have to try. I'm

0:06:08
spk_1
 

never gonna eat anything. You cook for me

0:06:10
spk_5
 

so that I would never need anything. You

0:06:12
spk_2
 

know, you It's a sort of bridge over long grain white rice. It is cooked. It's cooked all the way.

0:06:19
spk_3
 

No, no, salt does not cook food. Salt protects food. It preserves it.

0:06:24
spk_5
 

But yeah, most of each is cooked by acid. Yeah, not by something. I don't even like ceviche. Okay. You don't believe me? That's the

0:06:33
spk_1
 

truth, Todd. You force on an acid. Ah, lime juice. Ah, lemon juice. Something sit drumming on there and it cooks it. It cooks it enough to kill germs. Okay, Sliding.

0:06:44
spk_3
 

Yeah, What you never do. You never light the gas to cook your food. You just put in fact on it. And

0:06:51
spk_1
 

in fact, I know for a fact the gas got turned off of your house.

0:06:55
spk_5
 

Yeah. Okay, Okay. They said, Well, hasn't used it in 10 years. This could be alive. Did you a favor? They were like, We're not going to

0:07:02
spk_1
 

keep taking money from you, Todd.

0:07:04
spk_2
 

This sucks. Desolate of getting mansplaining. It's all bullshit

0:07:10
spk_3
 

here on team turf. Yeah, I'm but I'm on team safe.

0:07:13
spk_2
 

I got two things going on. I'm doing this and I'm also going to go on chopped and I'll cook only Todd Fish.

0:07:20
spk_1
 

Marcus Samuelsson is gonna beat the shit out of Utah. He is gonna beat the shit out of you. You will not cook food good enough for him to even taste it.

0:07:28
spk_5
 

Get Oh, come on. I was admitted. Thought you can't are. Well,

0:07:32
spk_3
 

now it is a fake kick that

0:07:33
spk_1
 

doesn't know. Thank God. Ok, well, in that case Oh,

0:07:37
spk_6
 

my God! I swear to God. Okay, well practicing in the way

0:07:53
spk_5
 

he did it

0:07:53
spk_6
 

back with its welcome. Back to tool time Improvement on Tim the two men Weatherman A all your bomb

0:08:01
spk_5
 

is fat. Okay, What a classic

0:08:04
spk_3
 

joke. Making five a man's fat Mom. What a beautiful, hilarious comedian you worked his whole life to get there. Ladies and

0:08:15
spk_1
 

gentlemen, welcome to another episode of the Teacher's Lounge. It's the first, best and only podcast pertained issues relevant to the Hamilton High School community. I, of course, am Howard M v P of the tournament Levis. Oh Ah, of course. That is a nickname I gave myself

0:08:32
spk_2
 

first most valuable player given to the coach.

0:08:34
spk_1
 

Yes, well ah, As everybody knows, the spring tournament was this past week. Ah, the team did Ah

0:08:44
spk_5
 

on doing

0:08:44
spk_3
 

tournaments like dances this year right there doing the spring tournaments.

0:08:48
spk_1
 

Bring Chairman come coming tournament. Yeah, Inter for

0:08:51
spk_3
 

mating. Talkin.

0:08:53
spk_2
 

That's gonna be an interesting tournament

0:08:55
spk_3
 

because it's a totally new teams. Told the girls, decide who the teams are for the boys and then the girls also pick their own

0:09:01
spk_1
 

teams. Yeah, eso Yeah, they're doing things a little differently this year, but of course, in the spring tournament, we didn't win any games, but ah, tough. Yeah, but we scored plenty of points. Ah, and every other co.

0:09:15
spk_3
 

Do you mean by plenty? Because if you didn't win any games, that seems to me like it's not enough

0:09:20
spk_1
 

points. Well, we didn't win enough points to win, but we did scores. Plenty of points, which is what all the other coaches said to me after the games. He said you scored plenty of

0:09:30
spk_2
 

points. Tell you what. One thing that you do differently than Bill that I like to see is that end of the game, coach Hands, shaken conversation. You let that convo uh, it seems like you're you're really chatting up that other cut.

0:09:42
spk_3
 

The janitor was sweeping you out of the gym the other night because you guys were staying. Well, it's court.

0:09:46
spk_1
 

Well, it was the last game of the night. Of course. They play eight games a night in these tournaments because it's they do the whole tournament in one night could learn. Just like the dances.

0:09:54
spk_3
 

Yeah, T j, of course, sets the tone for when the game started and

0:09:57
spk_1
 

yeah, yeah. And so the d. J. Was packing up on me and the coach from Winter Ville were still gabbing away. Uh,

0:10:04
spk_5
 

because, you know, we got

0:10:05
spk_3
 

a lot of

0:10:05
spk_1
 

comment. Yeah. You know, he, uh,

0:10:08
spk_3
 

his team just mopped the floor with you.

0:10:09
spk_1
 

Yeah. Ah, and I My team was the mop. That's the thing we had in common. I said, what? What was it like? Teoh Sort of use my team to

0:10:18
spk_5
 

that of sportsmanship. Yeah, And I'm trying to

0:10:21
spk_1
 

learn, because, unlike Bill, I'm willing to sort of, um, sink my teeth into this job and actually try to get better at. It s so I'm taking every piece of advice I can get from it. All these other coaches I'm saying,

0:10:32
spk_5
 

Hey, let me get you coffee.

0:10:33
spk_0
 

Let's go out tomorrow and lets talk and you

0:10:35
spk_5
 

can tell me all your

0:10:36
spk_1
 

secrets. And then maybe next time I can implement him in a game.

0:10:38
spk_3
 

Howard, I'm proud of you for that. But I do want to stop him. Point out you just threw Bill under the bus hard. Unlike Bill, I'm a good coat.

0:10:47
spk_5
 

Not that, unlike

0:10:48
spk_3
 

Mill. What's next here to sell the beef diaper. He's

0:10:51
spk_2
 

not here to defend himself.

0:10:52
spk_5
 

Come on. And I'm

0:10:53
spk_1
 

not Hey, look, I'm not saying I didn't say that. He's a bad coach. I just said I'm a better coach. Okay? Okay. Oh, I'm

0:11:01
spk_5
 

a coach. I hope I'm not Mex

0:11:03
spk_1
 

You're not. Look, look, I'm not gonna take either year guys jobs,

0:11:07
spk_2
 

so I don't leave the room when you when this guy's around. Otherwise I'll walk back in with a knife in my back. Perfect metaphor.

0:11:14
spk_3
 

A perfect

0:11:14
spk_1
 

out of you walk back into the room. I'm in with a knife in your back

0:11:19
spk_2
 

because I left and united me in the back. But where the eyes of Howard I've said it once. I'm not gonna backstab. No, never. Matt. Circle of hell is for you, By the

0:11:29
spk_1
 

way, I'm not going back to help. I'm not going back to hell. I've lived a good life.

0:11:35
spk_5
 

But do you

0:11:35
spk_3
 

have a punch card for Hellewell? Your is the fast lane.

0:11:40
spk_1
 

Yeah, Everybody does. All of us do. Old slobs will know way. We've all been there on the hill. Got the T

0:11:46
spk_2
 

shirt help, but there doesn t shirt got bored in. Couple of

0:11:50
spk_3
 

spending their done there Got the T shirt. Now the good thing about going to hell once is you get the fast pass to get back in. Yes, because yeah, if you're going to go to hell again, the last thing you want to do is wait when you get there. Well, but then they

0:12:02
spk_2
 

added this California adventure on the past the past fast. Yes. Or fastpass does not apply to that, right? And now I gotta wait in lines all over again. Just you soarin over Haiti's, um you know, other. All those are sticks. Land?

0:12:20
spk_3
 

Yeah, Biel's a Bubs toy story ride.

0:12:25
spk_5
 

Uh, but the good thing

0:12:28
spk_3
 

about Hal, if Orania adventure is at least you can drink. Yeah, this you can drink in there. You can let your kids you can let your kids do whatever you want in hell while you're in California.

0:12:38
spk_2
 

Yeah. Carl straps made a great deal with help for the adventure to get craft brew, get a red trolley ale.

0:12:44
spk_3
 

Yeah, and craft brew is definitely the beer of Healthy Spell is now sponsored by all craft breweries.

0:12:53
spk_2
 

Hell has the two best things going for it with craft brewers. It is sponsored by our craft breweries, and then it will be sold to Budweiser and all the crap Peru fans will get mad for

0:13:02
spk_3
 

somebody. Everyone's gonna shave their goatee and protests.

0:13:08
spk_2
 

Well, um, my name is Todd Padres. You all know, um, working on a new play that I think is going to blow

0:13:18
spk_0
 

the hearts and minds of blow

0:13:21
spk_2
 

the hearts below the hearts, it's gonna blow your hearts off. Um, Aziz, you all know I've been working on the the wall of gratitude, not the wall of fat itude. Yep. Um and ah, I've kind of gotten a reputation for kind of my loving street art and performance are, And now we're doing a play called Hugs and it's ah, it's a little performance art because I think what the world needs now is hug sweet hugs, and it's all about loving each other. Um and it's ah, it's all done fully. Pants off its nude. Okay, it's new. First

0:14:00
spk_1
 

red flag. Your high school

0:14:02
spk_3
 

sounded like really sweet. And why did they have to be new

0:14:06
spk_2
 

vulnerability? We've got

0:14:07
spk_1
 

to be vulnerable again. We've got to teach kids. Yeah, you news nude here to

0:14:12
spk_2
 

the stars, nude. Whoever that ends up

0:14:14
spk_1
 

here, it's gonna be you. We all know it. Don't

0:14:17
spk_5
 

even joke. Don't even

0:14:18
spk_1
 

pretend that's not gonna be the anymore. Don't

0:14:20
spk_2
 

know. There are no foregone conclusion.

0:14:22
spk_3
 

Um, fasting Right now.

0:14:23
spk_2
 

I'm in casting right now. How far along

0:14:25
spk_1
 

in the process are you?

0:14:26
spk_2
 

We are right now in preproduction.

0:14:29
spk_3
 

And how many people have

0:14:30
spk_2
 

been seen? Zero. No, it's not zero. I can't count off the top of my head. We're having people said kids are sending in self tapes right now. Typing from home.

0:14:39
spk_1
 

The kids can't take pictures of themselves bottomless and 70.

0:14:44
spk_2
 

That's not This is the problem in Europe. Kids or naked all the time.

0:14:49
spk_5
 

You know that is not

0:14:50
spk_2
 

sexualized. This is the problem. Is nudity equal sex in America and it's broken your old man brains. Okay. 125 year old man six. I just look 1 25 thank you. That's what my driver's license says that plays nude. They I'm not. I'm not budget on this. Hugs in the nude is coming up this spring and I'm not budging and it's non sexual. There will be no arousal. If you're aroused, get kicked out. That's the other thing.

0:15:19
spk_5
 

Is that rule? Apply Teoh thing. What was that apartment where you get measured?

0:15:25
spk_1
 

We're gonna kick yourself out of your own

0:15:27
spk_5
 

plane. Say

0:15:28
spk_3
 

that you've been aroused in every play you've directed. That's part

0:15:31
spk_2
 

of it. Yes, because he I mean, being on the stage arises. May. You're not an artist. If it doesn't, uh, it should turn you on because you're creating its godly. It's godly. What you're doing there. It's It is. It's

0:15:43
spk_5
 

always use the same caffeine

0:15:45
spk_2
 

latitude and it s sensual. It's sensual, and I don't mean sex. It's more than sex. And that's what your backwards boomer brains Celtic this way in the 20 twenties. Okay, we gender is gone. You don't get horny anymore. Everyone's making.

0:15:59
spk_3
 

I don't think that is an understanding of

0:16:01
spk_1
 

my sexuality. I don't think at all.

0:16:04
spk_3
 

Also, you say 2020 but you are rockin 1920 sensibilities.

0:16:08
spk_2
 

Oh, OK. Is it the most? If

0:16:11
spk_3
 

yeah, quite frankly, it is the mustache, the top hat, the little bartender thing you wear around your bicep.

0:16:18
spk_2
 

Oh, yeah, Well, that's to keep my little bottle popper

0:16:20
spk_5
 

it. That's right. But who's Who's

0:16:25
spk_1
 

getting hugged in this place? That an audience interactive thing. Are there formers?

0:16:29
spk_5
 

Now? Do you see how

0:16:31
spk_2
 

nice it is to be curious instead of judgmental? Well,

0:16:34
spk_1
 

I'm just waiting for the judgment part. I'm asking the question to get the detail that I'm gonna judge.

0:16:40
spk_2
 

Every scene starts with two historical enemies Jesus and then by the end there hugging.

0:16:45
spk_3
 

So there is an idea behind.

0:16:47
spk_2
 

So Martin Luther King and a Malcolm X. Okay. First, they're arguing about Nonviolence on ways to protest and by the end of the scene there, naked in their hundreds. OK, Mother Teresa and Lady Di.

0:17:02
spk_3
 

So they start with those who start, and then there started stripping down as they get more

0:17:07
spk_2
 

vulnerable emotionally, they're also taking their clothes.

0:17:11
spk_1
 

I understand the connection between Malcolm X and Martin Luther King.

0:17:14
spk_3
 

I will say I do think I do think that's interesting Thank you. Yeah, I do think that's a Thank

0:17:21
spk_2
 

you. Thank you. Thank you.

0:17:22
spk_3
 

I do think also this will get you put in jail. Yeah, but I do think artistically That is smart. No,

0:17:29
spk_1
 

I just want to understand. Nope. That's it. Like I see the connection between em. Okay. And Malcolm X? Sure. Lady Di and Mother Theresa. What

0:17:38
spk_5
 

did these two ladies have

0:17:39
spk_3
 

to talk about? Their opposite. Their opposites. Hot Merkley. Next. Next. Next. Faster. Of course. We're gonna have Jerry Seinfeld and Newman.

0:17:50
spk_2
 

Seinfeld. Unterman. Okay,

0:17:52
spk_1
 

get the connection. Those two are very connected. Still mo Trees and Lady Di

0:17:56
spk_2
 

And don't Seinfeld in Newman. And we're taking self tapes. I want to see your best Seinfeld New best Newman as they are getting more naked. There is a monitor on everyone in the audience if they're getting horny, er, they're out. You're out of the play. We're kicking you out and we're shaming you could Sex is the past. The future is humanity and connection. And that's what I'm all about. Now it's what we need in this crazy, crazy election season.

0:18:22
spk_3
 

There's something beautiful about that time. I appreciate that. Thank you. Very much now. I think that's a really good view towards the future, but I think my view might be better. I think we have to figure out this thing between land animals and see animals.

0:18:37
spk_2
 

You're taking over surf in terms.

0:18:39
spk_3
 

So I think the problem with global warming maybe not even be above water. And I'm just considering this because of that idea. We had 20 minutes.

0:18:48
spk_2
 

Global warming is happening because of these. I don't want to say anything rude,

0:18:52
spk_3
 

but all you judgmental, lazy fish is polluting crabs and lobster. We talk about methane gas of the cows we produced for our beef for about the Sikh house. What about the sea cows? The manatee, right? Yeah, You know what I mean? The manatee is farting underwater all day long,

0:19:13
spk_5
 

and we know this. Science knows this Him. I'm gonna tell you. Have you have to start this campaign now? Have a sea cow, Sam, You won't know who's doing global warming. You could take a week or more. You don't have to come up with it right now, but things will find the answer. Who's the bad guy now, then? I think it's step

0:19:35
spk_2
 

No, I think this is interesting, Sam, because first of all, thank you were wildly, uh, rudely and disrespectfully rejected from your rock climbing crude example for, uh, which

0:19:49
spk_3
 

is crazy. They said I bastardized it by turning into food and feeding myself to the climbers. They said I'd Bastard,

0:19:56
spk_2
 

that what it was.

0:19:56
spk_5
 

What are you guys

0:19:57
spk_3
 

doing rolling around in all this talk that I turned into flour and salt and pepper

0:20:02
spk_2
 

anyway. But, you know, I think I think that this is the correct reaction. Something else. Food related or animal related for you. I think this is where you are. This is your zone.

0:20:13
spk_3
 

I agree.

0:20:14
spk_2
 

Obviously, a lot of the kids in school have now been drawing you for their art projects. Um, and put with we've got that display up. What?

0:20:24
spk_3
 

You have been really interesting. Yeah, we've changed from the classic hand turkey. You know, that was something the kids were doing. And now they're doing the same turkey, the Sam turkey or the hand. Sammy. It's kind of either one if you can't draw while you can still use your hand. And my face is the palm and the fingers air the hair, But each of the hairs, then looks like a chicken strip. So it's still here the way a pretty accurate drawing

0:20:49
spk_2
 

of So it's their hands. Yeah, the popular. It just eyes the face. And then the hairs are chicken fingers, which

0:20:56
spk_3
 

is that it's already finger. Yes, yes,

0:20:58
spk_2
 

which is very close to a Don King lookouts.

0:21:01
spk_3
 

I would say so. So that's been common, the students down, which has been really nice. But I'm pretty convinced this land versus see thing is the next thing. I'm pretty sure that we need a surf versus turf, and I'm picturing a jock jams vibe. We invite athletes. We invite musicians. We invite fish.

0:21:19
spk_2
 

Alright, your rocket drug or Dark James, the CD

0:21:22
spk_3
 

jock jams will be playing and rock and Jack is the thing I was thinking,

0:21:26
spk_1
 

but they're playing a sport. It was Is it a

0:21:29
spk_5
 

Yeah, I think we'll do.

0:21:30
spk_3
 

Some see sports, so there will be water polo. The cows will have to play water polo against the fish. Okay, and then the fish will have to play football against Nellie and the cows. Cinelli. It's part of the of course. He's a land person.

0:21:42
spk_2
 

Those land David Cortes, Obviously, Sea of Cortez. That Z

0:21:46
spk_3
 

10 Cortez will be in the sea. Of course. Michael Phelps, The human torpedo. See

0:21:51
spk_5
 

Bill Bellamy. Gil Bellamy, You don't really know who's on which team until you find a way forcing

0:22:02
spk_1
 

everybody to pick a side here.

0:22:04
spk_3
 

Well, like land versus C wars. I think that is what it's gonna turn in.

0:22:08
spk_1
 

Wow. Okay, so it's kind of like the like, how else

0:22:11
spk_3
 

a coward, obviously a sea animal. Okay,

0:22:14
spk_2
 

are the coward sea animal? Uh,

0:22:16
spk_1
 

cow is a cow combined,

0:22:19
spk_3
 

however, the Sikh, because

0:22:20
spk_2
 

you're afraid of water, we've all seen you try to dip your toes into the ocean or even take a shower. You

0:22:25
spk_5
 

don't even take a sip in restaurant. I'll spend

0:22:29
spk_3
 

it straight back up into the air that unfortunately, it rains down upon

0:22:32
spk_1
 

you and I shoot out of my chair to try to let it hit on the ground in the seat and my and

0:22:39
spk_3
 

there's a full shootout with your gun and the water. You try to shoot the lot.

0:22:43
spk_1
 

I have tried to shoot water before

0:22:45
spk_3
 

your very afraid of water.

0:22:49
spk_5
 

Everybody knows about five or six years and every

0:22:53
spk_2
 

water around Howard. Make sure you disarm him

0:22:56
spk_5
 

first because he's a guy toting member of the and

0:23:00
spk_1
 

I don't like using my gun. But if you bring water around me unless it is distilled

0:23:06
spk_3
 

that sounded like a dose. Zaki's comer from

0:23:10
spk_5
 

my what Ideo. It's to shoot water unless it's distill dosek, ease! Call a powered.

0:23:17
spk_3
 

He wants to shoot water on. Wants to promote being

0:23:20
spk_1
 

want Teoh.

0:23:21
spk_5
 

But I will say, Oh, I don't want

0:23:23
spk_1
 

to. Its just it it scares me. Okay, You guys know what happened to me when I was a kid? Yeah.

0:23:28
spk_2
 

Yes, Your mom tried to drown

0:23:30
spk_3
 

Teoh. She says she looked at that. I said, I'm going to do that.

0:23:34
spk_1
 

Yeah, well, of course she talked to her doctor and said I'd like to have a water birth. No reason. Uh and I was born and she stepped out of the kiddie pool and put ah layer of film over the water. And I survived underwater for an

0:23:51
spk_3
 

incredible when you were literally a newborn.

0:23:54
spk_5
 

Yes, Pop that. Wow, Your memory is on canny. Well, I've

0:24:00
spk_2
 

heard this story. You've heard the story and traumas stick with

0:24:03
spk_1
 

you and your unpacking. I have nightmares about it. Yes, that's what happens. It's honestly, it's PTSD. Every time I see water, I'm thinking about when I was still attached to my mother by the umbilical cord trapped underwater. Careful. Yeah,

0:24:14
spk_3
 

I could still breathe. Yeah. What would you basically scuba diving? Yeah.

0:24:17
spk_2
 

Would you call these water nightmares wet dreams? Because

0:24:22
spk_1
 

way are, I guess I have to Now

0:24:30
spk_2
 

that there were learned about Howard that we've always number we're letting you all know is Howard has wet dreams, which are water nightmares about his mom trying to drown him right as he was bored.

0:24:40
spk_3
 

Ah, picture myself is a literal newborn. Would be would be really on. Yeah, well, I think that's a really cool thing that

0:24:47
spk_1
 

you will. The interesting thing is, I've never seen my body in these in these Ah, these visions. It's always just flashes of sort

0:24:53
spk_0
 

of bubbles. And, uh, and then, like

0:24:56
spk_1
 

the sort of hazy image of a woman

0:24:58
spk_5
 

you did

0:24:58
spk_3
 

some poetry about. Sort of. Ah, spoken word sort of bubbles.

0:25:03
spk_1
 

I have. I have, You know, I did Well, there's a clip. I was

0:25:09
spk_2
 

going to play the clip from the open mic. What were you on. Sorry.

0:25:12
spk_1
 

What? No, it wasn't. I was on an open

0:25:14
spk_5
 

mike. But you are also on

0:25:15
spk_3
 

a pretty big professional thing. I think we should play the gritty open mic version. And then the more Paul.

0:25:20
spk_2
 

Oh, and by the way, students I know it's didn't only open. Mike, If we have material, we're coming up with it.

0:25:26
spk_3
 

Why do you think we run it?

0:25:27
spk_2
 

Were bumping your stupid ass? Yes, OK, I'm sick of it. I think

0:25:31
spk_3
 

I bought all those sweaters.

0:25:34
spk_2
 

Turtlenecks to be civil mock trouble.

0:25:35
spk_3
 

Yeah, of course. Yeah. They won't let me by the full. They said you can't handle it.

0:25:39
spk_2
 

All right, So this is Howard Levis, Dear Poetry at a open mic neck and

0:25:45
spk_0
 

play. Ah! Hello, everyone. Um, thank you so much for giving me time. Appear today. I'd like to do a thank you so much. Appreciate that. Um I like to do a poem that I've been working on. Uh, it is entitled Bubbly Mommy bubbles, bubbles, bubbles Hazy, Mommy above bubbles, bubbles, More bubbles.

0:26:09
spk_1
 

Large logic. Mommy! Mommy, I love you. Large lotto extra. But do you love me?

0:26:17
spk_5
 

I'm sorry. Are you ordering or deliberate? One Is that an order or Ah.

0:26:22
spk_3
 

Oh, I don't know.

0:26:23
spk_1
 

Hey, guys, I'm sorry. I'm trying to do a poem. Appear. Can you guys figure this out either?

0:26:27
spk_0
 

Outsider. Just in the other room. Thank you. Okay, I'm just gonna

0:26:31
spk_2
 

So there's no cafe here. We just are holding a few a lot. We don't know where they belong to.

0:26:35
spk_1
 

Okay, well, just just drop him off and is trying to do the vibe trying to set this is Ah, this is a big moment for me to perform this poem. Can you guys settle

0:26:47
spk_3
 

down a little bit, brother?

0:26:48
spk_1
 

All right. I'm gonna move on to the next

0:26:49
spk_0
 

stanza. Thank you. Bibles bubbles, Terror around. Bubbles, bubbles, Mommy. A sound sounds of love.

0:27:03
spk_3
 

Hot chocolates code. I'm sorry. Certainly. Out the market roof.

0:27:07
spk_1
 

Is that a hot, chocolate flavored scone? Or is it a high chocolate with a scone?

0:27:12
spk_3
 

Hot chocolate school.

0:27:13
spk_2
 

Oh, I'm waiting for a scone. Hot chocolate.

0:27:17
spk_3
 

I wrote it down wrong right back. Okay. I'm just gonna

0:27:20
spk_1
 

power through the rest of the poem.

0:27:22
spk_3
 

I have to go to the store. We don't make it. Take your time, Okay? Sorry. Howard,

0:27:26
spk_1
 

it's OK. Sorry. Your apology doesn't make it so that I can go back to the beginning and make this good. Okay, I got to start at the

0:27:33
spk_0
 

end now because it just I can't I can't ramp up. Okay. This

0:27:36
spk_1
 

is just the last couple lines. These air boo snaps. You don't say that, sir.

0:27:41
spk_5
 

Let's

0:27:41
spk_3
 

pause. Euro quick. Do we even want to hear the third stands on? Howard, Get good in the third

0:27:46
spk_1
 

eye. Well,

0:27:47
spk_3
 

did you at least goto uninterrupted

0:27:49
spk_1
 

about it? Well, I wish. Ah, I'll just say this The third standard. The third stanza is mostly just guys delivering food and drink.

0:27:57
spk_2
 

Well, let's see. We'll see.

0:28:01
spk_0
 

Okay. And play Bibles. Bubbles. Is that for me?

0:28:07
spk_2
 

No, I I ordered the bubbles.

0:28:11
spk_5
 

Hot pizza. Hey, hot pizza

0:28:13
spk_3
 

from Domino's delivered to this classroom?

0:28:16
spk_5
 

Yeah. Is this place one of those dominoes? Hot spots.

0:28:19
spk_3
 

You can just order pizza. The surest buddy. One of the kids set it up, I think, as a joke, but who were delivered here? Almost everything

0:28:26
spk_1
 

is this. Somebody take your pizza, please. Squirtle. It's a pizza for Squirtle.

0:28:34
spk_5
 

Didn't you? Didn't. I got a pizza here for Squirtle. Squirtle with okay. Square toe get your pizza, Squirtle. Sandow, Get your

0:28:45
spk_3
 

pizza. Sure they forgot. That's we really Girls. Still foot

0:28:51
spk_1
 

Squirtle, Get your pizza. Squirtle. Squirtle. Okay, Thank you so much. Thank you for delivering, sir. Here's a tip. I don't know. Here. OK, get off the stage now. Okay, You know what? Maybe I will, you know.

0:29:05
spk_3
 

Well, Howard, that was really impressive. I could feel your bravery on

0:29:08
spk_1
 

stage. You didn't really hear much of

0:29:10
spk_2
 

I don't understand the bubbles, I guess.

0:29:12
spk_3
 

Bubbles Were you blowing bubble?

0:29:14
spk_1
 

No. Because when you're when you're flailing around underwater Ah, the bubbles that sort of follow your arms

0:29:21
spk_0
 

and everything. It's that's the visual of my wet dreams. Eyes that I see bubbles in front of me. And, um

0:29:28
spk_1
 

I know. Listen to that tape made me really mad. Guys. It made me really mad. And it made me want to go kill this Squirtle kids.

0:29:36
spk_5
 

I don't know. Do we have one Pokemon? I think I think we got a loud be, you know, how do you think it's gonna look if you gotta go? One plan to catch him all

0:29:46
spk_1
 

got to kill a Squirtle is what I say.

0:29:47
spk_2
 

Howard, this is dangerous

0:29:49
spk_5
 

pass is revealed now that I have a gun. So this kid's fucked

0:29:53
spk_2
 

our Do not shoot Squirtle

0:29:56
spk_5
 

Squirtle shows his ugly face around this school. You think a battle

0:30:00
spk_3
 

with Squirtle your women

0:30:01
spk_1
 

You have

0:30:02
spk_2
 

to get yourself a charge, aren't even have a chance

0:30:04
spk_5
 

Now maybe you

0:30:05
spk_1
 

to charge hard charge hard. My gun. Ciara's ard You're todo taken. Charge hard. My gun is that I

0:30:15
spk_5
 

was pretty good. Charged

0:30:16
spk_1
 

are my gun He's going to eat a bullet. Char mander. Squirtle. If you're listening, you're going to eat a

0:30:22
spk_2
 

boat. Look, Howard, I know it's not the first time we've used our platform to threaten one of the students.

0:30:32
spk_5
 

Well, square last

0:30:34
spk_3
 

on this platform is getting bigger and bigger, and it's getting riskier and riskier to do

0:30:38
spk_2
 

so well. But we wear well, we can't stop the guy. Squirtle. Watch your back. How it's going to try to kill you. Uh, Ash. Ash, we know you're out there. If you want to get a couple of friends to help defend Squirtle, I think you're gonna need it. Howard does have 40 hit points in his gun. Um,

0:30:57
spk_5
 

I need

0:30:58
spk_3
 

to go to the bathroom.

0:30:58
spk_2
 

Let's So it's a quick pissed,

0:31:01
spk_3
 

which is what we call

0:31:01
spk_1
 

a break. That's right. All right, folks, thanks for sticking it out through the break. We appreciate it

0:31:10
spk_3
 

was one of the longest breaks of the year. And we really appreciate you guys sitting through

0:31:13
spk_1
 

Yeah, yeah, it's tough. Sometimes you forget you're listening to something because they took a break and then, uh, you guys stuck around. You're still listening.

0:31:22
spk_2
 

We really appreciate that. We get the numbers on these, like how many people turn it off at the break? Uh, most because I definitely get it with my plays. You know, you can see people leaving

0:31:34
spk_1
 

obvious when there's empty seats at the end that weren't empty at the beginning.

0:31:38
spk_2
 

And a big thing you do in a play is you. Hey, folks, stick around. The big special guest is coming up in the second half and you know, you get a few butts in

0:31:46
spk_1
 

seats, but it's always alive for you.

0:31:48
spk_2
 

Well, yeah, the big special guests we always tell the audience at the end was in their hearts the whole time. But missing you play, you know, will be losing people cause we're kicking them out when they get to horn.

0:31:58
spk_3
 

Everybody used it. Feels pretty cheated by that, right? I

0:32:01
spk_2
 

think so. But, you know, theater should cheat people. Um, we're recording. Sorry, sir. I e this is You guys don't know who this is. It's

0:32:18
spk_5
 

babe. It's Chris Craven. This is

0:32:21
spk_2
 

you remember Chris Crave E. Bill Invited salt. Rather crass. Chris had a no marriage marriage. Like a wedding where he wasn't marrying anybody, but threw a party

0:32:31
spk_1
 

for Yes. That's right. I met me there. I was the caterer.

0:32:35
spk_5
 

You know what's

0:32:36
spk_3
 

funny is how much Bill never, ever talks about.

0:32:41
spk_1
 

Believe me, I've been hearing about been listening to this podcast. I'm like,

0:32:44
spk_6
 

I'm not

0:32:45
spk_1
 

coming up on her at all. Well, sorry about that. And also Ah, I don't I don't even know how you got the address or how you're here are like, came to me in a dream,

0:32:56
spk_5
 

came to me in a dream. I had that It was correct. And it was cracked. Well, the GPS

0:33:01
spk_1
 

took me to the wrong gate, but it was the right building. Did take me a little while to find the right stairwell video. That's, uh well, I guess. Welcome. Welcome. to the ground. I dress. I figured I'd barge on in.

0:33:14
spk_2
 

Chris craving How the hell are you

0:33:16
spk_5
 

way Do again? I

0:33:19
spk_1
 

just think you know, of course, I am a loyal listener because I keep tabs on my brother Bill. Um, this is your only way. You keep tabs on him. He has cut me out of his life. He says I am a toxic personality.

0:33:31
spk_3
 

Brother of my best friend is welcome here in. Yeah. Thank you so much. Let us know

0:33:36
spk_1
 

next. Yeah, I won't.

0:33:38
spk_5
 

I won't. I you know, I think that

0:33:41
spk_1
 

would detract from the overall atmosphere. Will be arriving. Shocking you. So you like. That moment came in and we were all just like

0:33:48
spk_5
 

what? So you do have that crave e shooting? I left each yet

0:33:54
spk_1
 

I love to make you guys feel like you're eating shit. And I love see the look on your faces when you go out. Shit. Bill CREss.

0:34:02
spk_2
 

Yeah, well, it was definitely a no ship for me because obviously I I have moved your weekly newsletter into my spam

0:34:13
spk_1
 

crap. Chris Graves Craft fair that I know that now that you mention it, I received this newsletter once, months ago, Didn't realize it was yours, and I never signed up for it. Never. I have never written email address down. Well, your email address came to me in a dream, and I got it right. Why I do what? I didn't get a bounce back. I was like, I bet that landed in his

0:34:39
spk_5
 

in these dreams.

0:34:40
spk_2
 

Are they cereal or is it literally like you sitting at a desk and being like Howard Levis at yahoo dot co?

0:34:46
spk_5
 

Well, wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Whoa! I didn't tell them how to spell it. It's like it sounds,

0:34:54
spk_1
 

and God only knows how Yahoo is spelled. Christ, please don't use that. Everybody will believe it. We'll bleep it in the post.

0:35:01
spk_5
 

Wake over here. Okay. Like in the support crash, You listen a lot. I'm in outside. That's great. Yeah, well, to answer your

0:35:18
spk_1
 

question about my dreams there somewhere between ethereal and awake, it's all I know is that it's akin to sleep. Paralysis. That's sort of how it feels. Eyes have been perceiving the world eyes open, perceiving the world at my desk. But I am powerless to do anything.

0:35:35
spk_5
 

So you're on

0:35:36
spk_3
 

Google googling this information, calling them dreams.

0:35:39
spk_1
 

Think well, but accept they are extremely wet. My dreams are extremely Oh, yes.

0:35:47
spk_2
 

A Zahar's arousal Girls.

0:35:49
spk_1
 

Yes, it's that kind of went three for I am Yes. Were you ever them? Right?

0:35:53
spk_2
 

Because you, Howard, has what dreams. But almost

0:35:56
spk_3
 

every night about your almost early death.

0:35:58
spk_5
 

You're having wet dreams every night about your early interested. I like men. You know, I've never been

0:36:06
spk_3
 

curious about Bill in this way. But now I want to know what your

0:36:10
spk_5
 

parents are like. Well, on billet. Pretty similar. Hey, you and me

0:36:13
spk_1
 

both would like to know who our parents are and what they're like. Because, of course, we we grip it it orphanage together way.

0:36:21
spk_5
 

Wow, backstory. Yeah, This is great. The most revealing crazy stuff we've ever had enough that contradicts anything's build buildings does. It does. But it's OK. It doesn't matter.

0:36:32
spk_2
 

Your adoptive parents are in town now. I have a theory that that's why Bill read, uh, pursued the beef. Yes. Yes. Now, Bill is also I There's a lot of you grew up. What is it like now, as an adult, I mean, you've got these blog's Chris cravings crap.

0:36:50
spk_1
 

Yeah. Newsletter bogs. Yeah. These are blocks that I print out on bail to people who say they don't live on the Internet anywhere. Just they're just settle out on the Internet.

0:37:01
spk_5
 

You got 86 from the web? I got 86. Well, actually, I

0:37:05
spk_1
 

51 50. Advice from the Web. Wow. I took a long, hard look at the beer and I said half

0:37:12
spk_2
 

everything to events. That means you're a danger to yourself and others.

0:37:16
spk_5
 

Yes, it's the legal code. You

0:37:19
spk_1
 

voluntarily commit yourself to a sanitary. It's todo I have a very kind of you. So, like the

0:37:27
spk_5
 

trash place? Yeah. Like like a janitor school myself. Janitors

0:37:34
spk_1
 

I couldn't hear. I was doing all sorts of unhealthy Googling. And I said, You know what I should do? You know what actually do. I should give this up cold turkey. Where you going? You're doing? I was benched going. I would I would go go one thing and then immediately Google something else before their results, even before the results came back. It's

0:37:55
spk_3
 

not even a rabbit hole. Let's just

0:37:57
spk_1
 

say I was feeling lucky. Most days.

0:37:59
spk_5
 

First result. Wow, always sort of Russian

0:38:04
spk_1
 

roulette. Did you ever bite the big one of this Russian roulette of Google? Yeah, well, in the sense that I was googling things with a gun in my mouth Yeah. Uh, OK, Squirtle, listen up. That's you

0:38:16
spk_5
 

style. We're talking about this poking on, kid. We

0:38:20
spk_2
 

have one parking on the school. You cannot belittle him like this.

0:38:23
spk_5
 

Hate crime. Yeah, well, I love you know, I love it. Our I say

0:38:29
spk_1
 

threaten more people should be using your platform for this.

0:38:32
spk_5
 

And this kind

0:38:33
spk_1
 

of gets toe. Why? I wanted to come by. You had a reason.

0:38:36
spk_5
 

Yeah. I had

0:38:36
spk_2
 

a reason just to promote Chris Cruz crown. No, but of

0:38:39
spk_1
 

course, if you guys could please subscribe to Chris craves crap and then let me know how you did subscribe. Also not to distract from what we're here for. But I would like to say it makes a little bit of sense for Bill's brother to be named Chris

0:38:54
spk_2
 

because Bill had a bit of an obsession.

0:38:56
spk_5
 

Slaps now. Yeah, that's why he needed him as

0:39:02
spk_3
 

a manager. Because are you his big brother?

0:39:04
spk_5
 

Yes. I think he was psycho sexually obsessed with me. And so

0:39:08
spk_1
 

when he met someone else named Crass. He said McGuinness. This is close to someone I know for my life. Let me and turn unhealthy sexual relationship way

0:39:18
spk_2
 

have gotten more grounded just in five minutes from Chris Crazy than we ever did from Bill. This is really so you're in here. You're in

0:39:29
spk_1
 

here because I knew, uh, Bill, let me know that he was leaving toe sell the beef diaper. And I said, That's not gonna work Fool's errand. What do you doing? But I did see it as an opportunity. I say that means there's a freaking chair open, pa. That's true. And loyal listener, I thought, This is my chance to swoop in

0:39:49
spk_0
 

and become the fourth permanent host.

0:40:03
spk_6
 

Your honor. Engineer, Thank you for kicking in your I

0:40:09
spk_1
 

can't even I can't even get the

0:40:11
spk_6
 

theme song to play. Chris Gravy comes in here five minutes later, he's kicking the thought this guy can host. Believe this kid cook a

0:40:19
spk_5
 

careful Just be careful, Chris. That's big confidence. He's got that crazy I And here is

0:40:30
spk_1
 

the main reason why I think I can host. I think the show sacks What the fuck?

0:40:34
spk_5
 

I think this is like. That's sad. Okay, But listen,

0:40:37
spk_1
 

I'm a loyal listen, very. And I Here's what I do. I hate Listen, okay. I'm sick of this shit. Me to people, people talking about how they hate watch things.

0:40:46
spk_3
 

No, you don't.

0:40:46
spk_1
 

You're obsessed with it, okay? You're so obsessed, and you're upset that you're obsessed with something that other people think sucks. That's why you say you hate wash. Of course, actually, like you're not telling me something new. Tell me I hate myself. There's no breaking news for, you know? Of course, I hate you

0:41:06
spk_5
 

all. And myself. And this shop. I mean, there's a few

0:41:10
spk_2
 

obvious things to hate about the show. The episodes aren't long enough. Okay, I know that that we could There could be a little more Padre focused in the episodes. I think they're like, Ah, whole padre segment.

0:41:24
spk_5
 

And later I hate This is probably

0:41:26
spk_3
 

he's probably thinking, you know, the guys need to listen to Sam Moore

0:41:29
spk_1
 

knows he's talking. Yeah, or again. Or maybe he's thinking that Ah Howard should put his foot down a little more frequently and sort of take control of things In a way, yes. This is Where my dog? Yeah. All right.

0:41:42
spk_3
 

Don't listen. If you came on here to tell us that Howard is right,

0:41:46
spk_5
 

I swear to God, I'm gonna bring your, like, Bart Simpson turning the homer. And you're gonna be part probably like any by short God. Okay,

0:41:57
spk_1
 

Okay. Lets the new here's the deal. What's the news he hears on the news? The it is in the world record Arabs to be

0:42:05
spk_4
 

heard. A

0:42:06
spk_1
 

person who has a voice

0:42:08
spk_5
 

so extreme walking I rather rude, but literally tearing ones left.

0:42:23
spk_1
 

It's so hard to believe that I'm a person who deserves to be heard that you possible.

0:42:29
spk_2
 

I see what's happening. Mr Engineer, let's fix my headphones. Because I'm I'm hearing heard, but I think you're saying hurt. We need toe hurt. Towered more.

0:42:37
spk_1
 

Well, you're half right. Okay, I heard. But I also agree with her way. Sneak Howard and then doing some jackass style

0:42:50
spk_5
 

back in his stabbing it back in the sink.

0:42:55
spk_1
 

I don't like it. I want

0:42:56
spk_2
 

what's up. This is tough, but And this is kicking hard.

0:42:59
spk_5
 

No, no, no. Now is good.

0:43:03
spk_2
 

I said shit. Any better start?

0:43:09
spk_5
 

Howard has a list sometime. It might be my God this'll Everyone's favorite episode when Howard, at a self imposed speech some oppose we heard of. That's right. No way. It felt like he was leading you, but I made it worst nightmare. So here's my thought.

0:43:36
spk_1
 

This were getting into it. This I love where we're going so far. I want this to be a classic. Here's the thing. You guys are doing a podcast.

0:43:44
spk_5
 

Snooze, snooze. I'm snoozing for a slate. Listening of this

0:43:49
spk_1
 

falling asleep at the wheel, crashing my car. Someone's. Here's the deal. What What type of radio people listen to? None. Shock

0:44:02
spk_5
 

shock jocks in Rogan Sprinkle a little shocked Jack and Rogan, so if we do

0:44:07
spk_1
 

jackets now Prince on Howard, punch him in the balls shin making by. These are things that we could do to shock the audience into a list. Digging into classic drive time shock jock radio.

0:44:20
spk_2
 

Chris. I don't need shock factor because I connect to the hearts and minds. I don't need to shock anybody,

0:44:28
spk_3
 

thought leaders of the free school people Listen you.

0:44:34
spk_1
 

That's a big fake snore

0:44:36
spk_3
 

God, he's really cutting to my core with

0:44:40
spk_2
 

what's everybody's just Todd Padre and Mrs dumping water on Howard's Penis

0:44:44
spk_5
 

just zips. What's Breuder? I

0:44:51
spk_1
 

added a general all purpose spray. You.

0:44:53
spk_2
 

It was a shock jock.

0:44:54
spk_5
 

Thing is great. I gotta be honest. I hate his notes. They cut me

0:44:58
spk_3
 

to the core, but it's working.

0:45:00
spk_2
 

When I poured that water, Howard pointed a gun at it, but I was pouring on his Penis. Luckily, we got the gun out with

0:45:06
spk_1
 

very excited for the brief, but that Howard was pointing a gun at his Penis. I would never see my opinion

0:45:13
spk_5
 

said With such confidence, I can't see behind his eyes Latinos. Someday he will. I don't hate water. I think

0:45:26
spk_3
 

Chris is in accepting this idea in your mind, I think happened.

0:45:31
spk_2
 

Chris has some some sort of ability to control dreams or something. T

0:45:35
spk_1
 

three brown Welcome to the Red Room over the Black Lodge. I talk backwards, so die

0:45:42
spk_2
 

where it Howard's litchi and dream.

0:45:47
spk_1
 

Okay, you know what? You're trying to make me

0:45:53
spk_5
 

go crazy. Talking backwards is canted.

0:45:56
spk_1
 

That's true. Now listen, let's dive into a new segment that is shocked. Jack Oreo control segments, Hottie of the week. Oh, yes, probably stuff they talk about on radio you know, hot celebs and who is the hottest of them all? You can all go around. It's half body that we think it's smoking hot.

0:46:22
spk_2
 

Uh, how do the week, huh?

0:46:24
spk_3
 

I guess I'll go first. Big feminist RBG now being hottie of the week Because justice is

0:46:32
spk_1
 

what i c k Sam, get out of here with that bullshit hottie of the

0:46:37
spk_5
 

week. What? Rick made a Ginsberg. I thought I was being genuine. I got

0:46:41
spk_1
 

one for you. Me like,

0:46:43
spk_2
 

Oh, yeah, Jupiter send.

0:46:46
spk_1
 

She's making about Jim. Better said, if you don't need spray,

0:46:48
spk_5
 

I don't think this is with the show. I have lost Maura pre part about that 70. Shape the pattern. I didn't think it was possible. The mom for seven way. I didn't think was

0:47:12
spk_1
 

possible for this show to get more chaotic. When when Bill was it here getting crazy? And I really wish my tongue with deals being crazy. I'm being crazy. Let's be

0:47:25
spk_5
 

normal now. Be normal now. Strange. I feel like I'm in

0:47:31
spk_1
 

a waking dream. It feels like we're listening to the grand tests of the of

0:47:35
spk_6
 

this podcast. What?

0:47:37
spk_2
 

Chris, I'd say this I take notes well, and I take advice. Well, so I'm here. I'm trying to What's that?

0:47:44
spk_1
 

You've never said? You famously do not well know. I think

0:47:48
spk_2
 

I do. I think if people disagree with me that they're wrong about it. I know myself, you know? So I am looking for compromise here. This is a good opportunity for me to enact my play and try to find a hug with you because we're disagreeing a little bit. I'm talking about Hottie of the Week, but there is disagreement on the tone of the show. So what is our middle

0:48:08
spk_1
 

ground here? Yes, a compromise, even though just the word itself makes me sick.

0:48:15
spk_5
 

Okay, I'll play your game. I'll try to compromise. Let's try to

0:48:18
spk_2
 

do instead of Chris craves crap. Let's see some Chris craving compromises

0:48:22
spk_1
 

may be compromised.

0:48:24
spk_2
 

No, Um, let's see, Where can we meet in the middle here? You like shock jock stuff on and I love Howard's new interviews. You know, the tone of Howard Stern

0:48:34
spk_1
 

outlined in Haitao got down.

0:48:39
spk_2
 

Your book of interviews was unknown,

0:48:41
spk_1
 

readable because it should have been a book. I should read the book. It should have been TV show and I said, You're probably yes, and

0:48:50
spk_6
 

correct me if

0:48:50
spk_1
 

I'm wrong But you made up every interview with their hypothetical interview, hypothetical as a proof of concept, so that eventually one day I could, actually.

0:49:01
spk_3
 

But it wasn't in the form of, like, question answer interviews. It was pros. It was about a bunch

0:49:06
spk_5
 

of it, and it read

0:49:07
spk_1
 

like Boy, if Ruth Bader Ginsburg came into the room, I probably say how your SubRip engine like that. She'd probably be happy to answer that question. Did say, probably a lot.

0:49:16
spk_2
 

We have a recording human open Mike, where you did read the book.

0:49:20
spk_5
 

Yeah, let's listen it, he says.

0:49:22
spk_3
 

Probably a lot. So it should have been taken

0:49:24
spk_1
 

tens. Uh, which clip do you have? What? Who

0:49:28
spk_2
 

is the interview for? Uh, this is the open mic on this was your interview with your your possible interview with former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld.

0:49:40
spk_1
 

Okay, so I'm sitting in my study and Don Rumsfeld

0:49:47
spk_2
 

courts pause s. So this was the This was your live reading and you had a list

0:49:55
spk_5
 

kicks it, But he refused about the timeline when this could happen. This was

0:49:58
spk_1
 

back when it happened in the show. It happened right now

0:50:02
spk_2
 

about a year ago. Rubber band man. All right. And action or play.

0:50:09
spk_1
 

I say to him what's

0:50:10
spk_6
 

up there?

0:50:11
spk_1
 

And he probably said something like, Oh, just doing my job. Got a chocolate scone lot. Okay. Hey, I don't even know what this is. Listen, you're paying to Airbnb half my house. Stay out of here, okay? Okay. Sorry. Yeah,

0:50:30
spk_2
 

right. Buzz, this is alive. Open mic at your house like someone is Airbnb

0:50:39
spk_1
 

That it was this guy named Terry. Yeah, Going Terry to come back in a more durable future. Episode one star review on him as a guest. What about from ravaged my house? No. Gotta have one to let him get ravage. Uh, yeah, but anyway, actually, the restoration of you about that with Don Rumsfeld isn't that good? So wait, Didn't even happen. Every dollar

0:51:13
spk_3
 

coming into the office the next day, you seem like someone had absolutely ravaged your wife.

0:51:20
spk_1
 

Right? And that was in comparison because I think so highly of my home. To see it destroyed is about the same as he has. Yes. Oh, my God! Yeah, I heard he laid down across your couch. Is that How do you like this little bitch boy? Yeah,

0:51:38
spk_5
 

yeah, yeah. I already

0:51:40
spk_3
 

wore a condom in your house.

0:51:41
spk_1
 

Hey, did the whole time he was there. That's good. Except the last day I walked into his room and the condoms on the ground. I wear two condoms whole time. We took it off the last day, which here and he was

0:52:00
spk_3
 

in my house without a condom. On the last day,

0:52:03
spk_5
 

I had to move up. You move. I can't

0:52:06
spk_3
 

believe someone in your house.

0:52:11
spk_5
 

I've been in that house. I've been in that house for 42 years and I still I every time I get to wear a condom in my own house, I'm wearing a condom on all of my fingers right now. Every single I thought you were holding a bunch of bananas. I can't see. I can't see. Good. I can't see. Good. You thought I had two hands each with no figures. I thought your your fist

0:52:40
spk_3
 

were wrapped around the very It's just can't see. Good, Good. There's nothing else. There's no

0:52:47
spk_5
 

no. Now, isn't this nice? We just

0:52:49
spk_1
 

learned so much about our that we would have never heard of because we let him have a voice. We learned that he got house cut by a very that he was when Terry left.

0:53:05
spk_0
 

My house had mold,

0:53:07
spk_1
 

so I gave my house mold and I couldn't be any more. Well, that's house piece. Yeah, that's how that's how species and it's and it's actually pretty normal. A lot of people are living with house. A

0:53:19
spk_2
 

lot of people live with house peas. Even if it's just on your windows, it doesn't have to be on your toilets.

0:53:27
spk_1
 

And you could take Val tract home. That's the best I got with that.

0:53:33
spk_2
 

Uh, Chris, have you considered cause this is interesting? I think we'll get Bill back eventually. But maybe, uh, yeah. I mean, we miss him, but I don't. And we would miss you up, but I don't know that, um, as we're just I like these suggestions. Yeah, you know, it demands these demands for a podcast that Howard talk more her Howard More. I like 50% of the suggestion. Ah. Ha. Day of the week was interesting. Okay, I I'm wondering what would What would Chris bring to the show? You know,

0:54:11
spk_3
 

yet we don't know. Okay, release this.

0:54:14
spk_1
 

What's something you that you could bring that way?

0:54:16
spk_3
 

Listen to the track. Are you in a

0:54:19
spk_2
 

relationship, Chris? I think we were relationship advice Would be really helpful in

0:54:22
spk_1
 

the that Giving Really stupid by So I am in a relationship pretty longstanding. Been in a relationship for about six or seven years. How long? Yes, And it is with someone I met at janitor school. Yes, It's actually my professor.

0:54:40
spk_2
 

Oh, uh,

0:54:42
spk_3
 

sensual. Yes. Okay. So, yes, I just don't know. I don't always love a professor. A professor Love store

0:54:52
spk_1
 

Sherrick. It's a little problematic.

0:54:54
spk_2
 

Unless it's a nutty professor and

0:54:56
spk_5
 

then it's hilarious. Funny you say funny.

0:54:59
spk_1
 

Say I was taught by the Nutty Professor tabular. No, no.

0:55:04
spk_3
 

What? Are you sure, you

0:55:07
spk_1
 

big, fat man? Round fat man. Or very funny.

0:55:10
spk_3
 

Okay, it's good you weren't taught by Buddy Love.

0:55:13
spk_1
 

Now that horrible now compressor club. It was Professor Club. Good. Wow. And I did have a bit of a brief affair with the original nutty professor. Oh, yeah, way would make 11 even go.

0:55:31
spk_5
 

And he's about 100 years of so they

0:55:34
spk_2
 

replaced 1 90 professor with a 2nd 90

0:55:36
spk_5
 

Perfection. He was let

0:55:38
spk_1
 

go when Hay said some horrible things during his telethon. And hey had a telephone to raise money for mops every year.

0:55:48
spk_2
 

It's tough because it's good, cause. But then you're an awful person. Yeah, and so it's like, What side of that do I for that compromise? Yeah, exactly. And that's what I'm always argue with me. It's like if I did charity, you couldn't hate misma uh,

0:56:01
spk_1
 

remember. But so the answer is yes. I've been in a relationship with Professor Klump for about six or seven years, and I would love to get relationship in

0:56:08
spk_3
 

what you guys do what you guys like to do. You go out, go to comedy clubs

0:56:11
spk_5
 

like they go to comedy clubs. We like to see a young Dave compound. Yeah, it's not a lot of opportunities to do that. It's really card call up. All these comedy clubs like the highest young Dave should help before. And is he doing a exclusively crowd work set? No. What you talking about? How

0:56:29
spk_1
 

that he would be possible Did propellants old Now

0:56:32
spk_2
 

the past factory, he'll go up, go

0:56:34
spk_1
 

up passwords, past factories, all throwback comment right there and we got But I got to tell you, Professor Klump hates car. Got those days?

0:56:44
spk_2
 

Oh, yeah.

0:56:44
spk_5
 

Hates it.

0:56:45
spk_2
 

Because if there's any crowd work

0:56:47
spk_1
 

and there is, uh, exclusively, I keep saying like he's like, Can we sit in the back? I

0:56:53
spk_5
 

got No. We sit in the French. Yeah, even. I

0:56:56
spk_2
 

mean, ah, young Dave Propelled obviously hurt his feelings, but even like young lampanelli will go pretty hard on, Uh,

0:57:02
spk_3
 

yeah, across, of course. Rosat hymns.

0:57:05
spk_1
 

Aziz Young con Quinn. I

0:57:09
spk_2
 

was surprised. I mean, even young Lenny Bruce through a couple jabs on it was like,

0:57:14
spk_5
 

yes, and it was. And they were the kind where I guess they were funny at 1.21 group of people. But now they were hard, cruel jokes, right? They were just sort of screams. Well, I just kind of

0:57:27
spk_1
 

like rattling off a bunch of stuff in this started like, hey way, you know, saving. I don't even follow this. This is invalid Joe. Anyway, I'd love to give relationship advice. I think that, you know, maybe I could give your way. You guys have I mean, does anyone need some advice?

0:57:49
spk_2
 

I do I do? I am at Ah, let me, uh, the sexually email from a color. It's not about me. It's an email from a caller. Uh,

0:57:57
spk_1
 

not about you refusing

0:57:59
spk_3
 

to take calls or think this is surely

0:58:02
spk_1
 

about to come to you in a

0:58:03
spk_5
 

dream? Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

0:58:06
spk_2
 

That a color emailed me in a dream. It's not about me. Way all No, dreams are reality. It's not what's going on your own head. Um, So, uh, uh, this color is seeing somebody right now who is having trouble getting over a past relationship and that somebody is a widow and this caller has had to puppet the widow

0:58:27
spk_1
 

about you. That is what's been happening with you 100% when we your story, right?

0:58:33
spk_2
 

Think there are. That's the thing is love is universal. A lot of people have relatable situations like this one. What

0:58:40
spk_5
 

is a pretty specific situation tonight? I don't get it.

0:58:46
spk_1
 

If there's some distance between this call or email her thesis distance between that person and their partner who is a widow would suggest, just here's what you do, what I would do. OK, do what do its work

0:59:02
spk_3
 

tomorrow he doesn't have advice.

0:59:06
spk_5
 

Yes, I do. Yes. I dio invite them

0:59:11
spk_1
 

to a dinner with every member of your family. Big dinner. Everybody see?

0:59:15
spk_5
 

Think this is what it's worked for us. I

0:59:21
spk_2
 

think this was a class and crave e. You started confidently with some advice and realized you didn't have any through.

0:59:27
spk_3
 

You're just saying we don't need another one?

0:59:30
spk_5
 

No. Hey, nice mouth relationship of Okay, fine. Give me some. What's your status? I'm eternally

0:59:37
spk_3
 

lonely. I cannot be around another person for more than 30 minutes. And I love to turn myself into food and eat myself. Fix me,

0:59:46
spk_1
 

OK, he won. Tricky Wendy Turning to food. Lonely, I guess I would say just to get outside the box here doesn't have advice. Nothing. Levy pulls a very real advice. I would encourage you to invite them to dinner with everybody.

1:00:07
spk_5
 

No, no, no. That on.

1:00:10
spk_3
 

What do you hope will happen of that dinner? Hercules? Hercules,

1:00:14
spk_1
 

I hope that someone there will be named Hercules and someone else will be infused enough about something. They did that. They will clap for you. I don't think you haven't done

1:00:23
spk_5
 

that. End of what I know. about clothe. So the next one surely will be really for May has to

1:00:33
spk_1
 

be by process of elimination. I don't need a lot relationship

1:00:36
spk_2
 

z you guys to say ask for advice for yourselves. I shouldn't have read an email. I should have said something personal about me. But it's nice that you guys were doing that.

1:00:43
spk_1
 

I probably don't need much. Okay. Where you at? I'm pretty good. Yeah, Um happy you alone

1:00:53
spk_3
 

would be happy to alone. Cappio, you said big tear.

1:00:57
spk_1
 

I said big tear rolling down. Um, yeah, I'm I'm happy on my own, but I would love to have flooding down somebody tratar que disaffected talk.

1:01:07
spk_3
 

Teoh is having a Damir need

1:01:09
spk_2
 

pointing the gun at

1:01:10
spk_5
 

is that that's your power and your face crying into his lab. I e o. Here's a knife. No. Okay. Howard compound. I've got a gun in one hand and a knife in the other. Thinks he's seeing ironic. By also a classic Chris craving style spin way, Bill craving and chriscr alien Atlantis and Alice is thes. Are the people in the universe Wait, That was wrong on six levels. But seriously, have you

1:01:51
spk_3
 

seen an Alison Morissette concert. They are long,

1:01:56
spk_1
 

They are long. And

1:01:57
spk_5
 

she of

1:01:57
spk_1
 

course data. John Stamos, Thank God. Chaotic moment

1:02:03
spk_5
 

passed. I shot myself. Okay, Seriously. Can't stay calm. Let's stop the bleeding. Clears my advice

1:02:15
spk_1
 

For what? You should do it. Your relationship with oil and it just Here's what you should do. I think you should have a telethon to raise money for your battered beatus. Your relationship. I

1:02:29
spk_5
 

think I think the other way. Have a telethon and just pace around it. Walk right up to

1:02:38
spk_1
 

the camera and shouted Would say like,

1:02:42
spk_2
 

Hey, everybody, this is professor advice. But it isn't terrible advice were, well, emergency care. A telethon for Howard's battered PS Uh,

1:02:52
spk_1
 

please plays how power is battered is

1:02:55
spk_3
 

power Here. Here's a rubber below 911 stopped the bleeding.

1:02:57
spk_2
 

911 Van high No one! We need Teoh, my friend shot. It's put your emergency started interrupting. Sorry. Oh, there's a

1:03:06
spk_3
 

There's a delay on the funds

1:03:07
spk_1
 

of Be careful, I help whichever

1:03:12
spk_5
 

Why do you have a delay? Okay, this is terrible service on. You're a fucking idiot. You're right.

1:03:18
spk_3
 

Now I'm so sorry

1:03:19
spk_2
 

about that. No, no, I Apology not accepted. Let me speak to your manager.

1:03:23
spk_0
 

Oh, no. Hi.

1:03:24
spk_2
 

This is OK. Hi. I'd like a free limb. Are What's it called you? I time an ambulance. I compliment because that's what I take to get to rid

1:03:36
spk_5
 

purpose Chocolates gone. I think that's by thank God that I don't know what that

1:03:42
spk_1
 

is, but I think it's You

1:03:44
spk_2
 

know, if you're gonna eat through this call, I don't need your help. Don't come here. We

1:03:49
spk_3
 

don't need you either. Click

1:03:50
spk_5
 

tied. It's

1:03:52
spk_2
 

just us in here.

1:03:53
spk_5
 

Just a core for this is it was always meant to be were elected will from

1:03:59
spk_1
 

the problem of Howard's bloody beating and

1:04:02
spk_2
 

Olive or gods of our guys was beef diapers and Bill took him. Also. We don't have to accept the bleeders. How

1:04:10
spk_3
 

are not give you my sweatshirt, but I just got it here. Just got it's a

1:04:14
spk_1
 

white gets Chris here. I brought a bunch of printed out copies of Chris Crazies. Crap High Newsletter. Just let me use that. Let me tie it around your painting paper cut all over the around. My big

1:04:24
spk_3
 

We'll roll it up small Like Paris.

1:04:27
spk_5
 

Like a pyroclastic

1:04:29
spk_2
 

usage. Right and I'm just gonna smoke the cigarette. Real quick of alleged.

1:04:36
spk_5
 

You put that thing out just like that. Like that. Out. No, please. Oh, no letters. Which I doused in lighter fluid. Why did Ideo with Charger? It's okay. God cauterize! I am not gonna die again. I am not lying. We're not gonna let you die. Go. No shock the Penis. Can we get that nutty Professor in here? Howard, staying with us. Stay with Are you surf or turf? Our are you team surfer team turf. I'm not now. Come on. The battle has to be figured out. Who did? Global warming is sea creatures. Wait. I'm

1:05:25
spk_1
 

entering a dream state. I'm a trigger dream state because Howard center good at the other realm. Mentally connected, psychically linked in the red,

1:05:36
spk_2
 

pulling out a computer,

1:05:37
spk_3
 

having a psycho sexual connection.

1:05:39
spk_1
 

Let me let me. Oh,

1:05:40
spk_2
 

my God. Howard would be losing his virginity right now, but I have a Penis for

1:05:46
spk_3
 

Howard emotionally losing his virginity

1:05:47
spk_1
 

to have sex with someone without a Penis. Feeling lucky.

1:05:52
spk_5
 

Oh, yeah, he got his results. Uh uh.

1:05:55
spk_1
 

It's out taking meeting.

1:05:57
spk_2
 

Hi, this is Todd Padres, riel of his first character. is a man making love without his

1:06:02
spk_5
 

Penis. You're mad TV. Thank you

1:06:08
spk_2
 

for your time. Mad TV's version of Lorne. And, uh, where we go.

1:06:14
spk_1
 

Uh, Todd really is a pretty good way to

1:06:18
spk_2
 

tell you everything I know. I don't have a Penis.

1:06:25
spk_1
 

Yes, drift away was to be My energy is fading just like Howard's. It's almost as if this

1:06:33
spk_2
 

both died was dying together. Uh oh. I can't lose a friend.

1:06:40
spk_3
 

Alright. Howard's speaking Creole.

1:06:49
spk_1
 

All right, John Newell,

1:06:55
spk_2
 

Chris is connected to Howard.

1:06:58
spk_5
 

Yea, my God is bringing the doctor live

1:07:04
spk_1
 

in ST Teoh. Arrangements Street, the fresh corner

1:07:21
spk_3
 

and ah! Oh, my God! That was me the whole time. I was hypnotizing them.

1:07:28
spk_5
 

I didn't know I was so powerful. That must have been me. Oh, my God! I stopped him out of it. So I must have been in control the whole time, had my pieces

1:07:40
spk_3
 

and bleeding it. Forget served versus turf. I'm a hypnotist. This'll is my calling. Make lemonade. Wait, No, I'm gonna do both Hannitized, the fish and the land animals to get along.

1:07:53
spk_2
 

Wow! That was all hypnotism. Except for the part where we cut off and chart your Penis, that really have.

1:07:58
spk_5
 

Yeah, but it's not bleeding anymore. And my list is gone. Wow. I really asked him. It's his home. Works. Well, Everybody check

1:08:06
spk_2
 

out hugs at the Hamilton High School theater playing Thursday through Sunday.

1:08:12
spk_1
 

Haven't even cast it.

1:08:12
spk_2
 

Yeah, we're still trying to cast to pocket biggie, uh, for the big nude hug. Uh, it's the climax of the play special thanks to Chris for being in the studio.

1:08:24
spk_1
 

Happy That be air Hope

1:08:25
spk_5
 

I get to come back. Come back,

1:08:27
spk_3
 

Margin. Whatever I did like this episode, I think we are gonna air it, so you're gonna get to hear yourself on the my

1:08:36
spk_5
 

and again, greatest it. It's almost as if anyone who didn't listen

1:08:43
spk_1
 

to the episodes that were originally behind the stitcher paywall will find this frustratingly inside.

1:08:49
spk_2
 

Thanks for sticking with us anyway. And, Chris, why don't you take us out until next time?

1:08:54
spk_5
 

Hey,

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