Inner Ear Heist

So wait, guys do when you stub your toe. Do you, uh, do you freak, Theo silently kind of scream through a muffled thing. What do you What do you do?

God help the nearest person to move us toe

I mean,

where they e I always blame it on somebody.

I take it out on them.

I tripped on the street the other day. Um, and I I you know how Like when you trip and you turn around, you have cheese, us that crease and the concrete

you blame. So you blame it? Yeah. You blame it on something that's not you, cause

yeah, I had a whole pits. Ah. Portion of this sidewalk excavate excavated.

Oh, so you you went big. You went to the city council.

I did it by the books. And, um,

and and you sent that record. Not everyone who saw you trip. So they know that the city is dealt with in it was

your fault. Solid seven days and a small detective crew to trace even people sitting at a nearby uh, patio cafe. Who Who said we didn't even see?

Yeah, and it's like, Okay, I know you saw it thanks for trying to make me feel better, but this is more

humiliating. I mean, that's happened to me constantly. Ah, or I've been humiliated. I have toe, I've had to stop even caring about it. I I honestly, from now on, if I humiliate myself in public, I just have to let it go because I have wasted too much of my life worrying about it.

Do you Do you normally go down on on small creases? What's your typical public for fall or me?

Howard's going down on anything, Bill.

Okay, come on.

Yeah, In on spring break. How it is dry.

Okay, well, I've gone down on a few things in my day. Things Well,

I don't I don't

know. Don't let that hang in the air. We're not letting that hang in the air. I don't practice cunnilingus on stuff, okay? I've never tried to eat out stuff.

How thirsty. And you were like, I'm just gonna go down on this water, found way. We were like, Don't say it like that.

Well, I this actual physical act it was It was a kids one. It was a little kids water fountain. One of those ones It's only about a foot and 1/2 off the ground. I had to go down to it. I'm not. What? How do you say it? I'm

not. Then when we're playing baseball that day out on the diamond, you're like God, I need a drink. I want to go down on this hose

real quick. Well, again. Hose close to the ground. Had it's a It's a height.

For what? About the act.

I mean, we all saw what you did.

How do you

guys drink out of a hose?

You were licking that you hold? It was you. Hold it with you. Minger him! Speak it. Toe head!

Don't acted out. Howard not acted out.

Howard, stop it! You're governed kind of Lingus right out here.

I I'm sorry I brought this up. Honestly, this is on me, and I apologize.

There's nothing weird about

Hey, you know what? You know what this is? This is spring break. Taking a hold of you here.

I co sign on you eating out a seven layer dip. We'll

say that did look correct.

That felt that felt fully find Well, im Here's my all hate out that dip.

Here's my thing. If you don't provide chips with your dip, it's gonna get ate

out. That is a rule change. Anything we're met were in

Mexico. Here. Where the hell are the chips? Is what I'm asking.

I'm wondering that, too. I haven't seen a single chip since we can wear our chip and feels

to me like it's

personal that their chips American Regs ago, where the chips, where are the chief? And this seems like

a very America centric complaint. You know, we boil down an entire country to a thing you get before the meal. Yeah,

but where are the damn chips?

It's a good question because it's it's a stereotype. Even they give too many chips with their food.

Why have I burned my last finger on the case? So I'm done. You cannot serve me hot bubbling case. Oh, and no chips. Do

you think it's possible that the whole country got together and said, Hey, we're not going to give these guys chips? It feels like a conspiracy

to us at Olive Garden with the breadsticks. Yeah, this wouldn't be

the first time we've been boycotted off of freebies.

Yeah, islands. The end led the bottomless french fries.

I got holly

pops at the bank

lollipops in our pediatrician.

It's a lot of lollipops that we've been cut off from if we're really being honest.

Well, you did go down on that lollipop, and it was a little bit food.

Now, Sam, I saw you, uh, speaking of tripping, I saw you trip, but it looked like it's more of an issue with how you tie your shoe laces together.

Yeah, Yeah, I time together. Yeah, I time together because I'll tell you what, Down here, I have been losing stuff left and right, left and right. I've been losing stuff, so I got to tie everything down. Well, just walking around one day and one of the shoe laces just flew right off, and then you got one tightly tied shoe. You got one loosely tied shoe. Then the loosely tied shoe comes off. Then you're walking in circles. It's unbelievable. So I used because of the, you know, I got one long leg and one. Yeah, I wear tall shoes. So when I'm missing my four inches on one leg, it does sort of Ah, yeah, I where

you're like to introduce for

people that have one leg shorter than the other. But you wear Mom both feet.

That's right. Once I found out you could make these things, but anybody could wear. Um, I said, Sure, I'll take the height. Wow, I walking around Mexico at a 6 4.5 tilted, Um, and it's getting a lot of looks.

And so we all know you're a little shorter, so that means you're on a foot and 1/2 of, Ah, lift.

That's right up your for 10. That's right. You were in the circus the

other day in the audience, turned to, you

know, they turned to the guy right behind me. It wasn't like they were

like, Wow, look at this guy on Steltz.

No, I think they were like, Look at that guy's shirt. Mickey Mouse. What? But

then, I mean and I don't know. It might have been that, but why did they start to try to feed your peanuts?

I don't know. I don't I don't think it's that they think I look like a lopsided elephant. I don't think that's what's going on. I did get prodded, and someone held a tiny stool up to my face. I'll tell you, if

you don't

want to be confused, don't go to the circus because they make you feel like you're every animal.

a big group of people showed up and tried to save

At one point,

showed up, and I said, I'm not a dog. Turns out they support all animals.

Okay. Yeah. I thought the

S P C A was specifically for cute dogs.

No, no. They got elephants in the pound that they have tigers in the pound. Wow. Yeah. Be absolutely

over to the pound.

Yeah, they're caged up is a bigger cage.

I might need to adopt an elephant. I would love the company.

Todd, you don't need

all that. I don't need emotional support,

but you can't. I don't think you can handle it tied and elephants a big responsibility. That's

why adopting an elephant once and it had something in its past. It was afraid of women, and it would freak out it constantly. Any woman would like a I kind of Ah, a little bowl cut.

Yeah, like a specific. Its last owner was a woman with a bowl cut apparent

I think its last

owner was Kate Goslin. Wow. And it would freak out in Southern, uh, Nick Mac stores.

Now, that's interesting. And also, I heard I heard that your elephant, particularly whenever you had ah, eight or more friends over really freaked the hell out.

Yes, it was. It had been shown the rial world.

Uh, it was Kate plus eight. I thought. Okay. Goslin show

that the I jumped away from a thing that I set up.

Well, I tell you, I wish you had told me about that elephant because I think there's no one I could relate to more than a big animal that is afraid of women. I think that I would we would have gotten along so well. And you know, when a mouse walks into the room, you know what I'm doing. You

have it apple very high.

You get on all your your nose, you get on all fours, breathe through your nose and look for the nearest peanut. We know exactly what you do in the mouse comes in.

Well, fellas, sure. We start. What? I don't know what we're calling it. Are we going to call it? Ah, I think

I was dreaming. And on the Howard Stern radio play,

what were the

stats last week for our Howard Stern radio show?

Well, I got at least 40 from blasting it out of my Wrangler. Driving around town. You

asked by 40 people. Is that how

your gauging my drove near 40 people for the whole episode?

I, of course, sent it. Ah, centered around. Ah, on. So I made little ah, little, uh, disks with it on there, and I sent it around. Many doesn't hurt. Yeah, I hadn't heard anything back yet. I

want to introduce the episode, but hard. We should talk about your live journal has gotten very interesting. Ah, and you share in the podcasts on it. But you're also sharing a lot of really private thoughts.

How do you know about my private life journal?

Howard's private life?

Have it sent to private? Don't.

Uh, no, it's called Howard's private live journal. But you're posting to the internet.

But if you put private in the title automatically does the settings, I can't figure settings out. So my very public and yeah, no, no.

Yeah. I read your post last week. My first big experience.

Wow. Yeah. I think your

private live journal ended up on the what not to do disk the a O l sends out. Really? Yeah. It's kind of a cautionary tale for, ah, put out by one of the biggest corporations in the world.

OK, well, then I just like to take this opportunity to say I was joking. All that's That's where I write all my jokes. Ah, it's

I thought it was a very nice take on modern virginity.

I think it was a parody I'm writing as a parody. It's It's It's satire.

Howard. If we find out that your life's a parity all of a sudden makes perfect sense to me because your life doesn't in Serious is A is a brutal tale,

you're either the saddest guy you satis guy I know or the funniest guy I know. You're either a genius parody satirist or you're just a sad regular guy.

It does feel a little bit like the weigh ins got ahold of your life.

That's interesting. Well, okay, then That's what we're gonna go with from now on. Everything in my whole life is a parody. Everything I do I have made the choice to do it. It's not because that's who I am or how sad I am. Ah, or anything like that. It's because I feel I am funny.

Have you guys seen that New Wayans movie? By the way? Scary movie.

Oh, yeah, it's funny into it the other night on and I it blew me away.

I need to I don't know. The source

material is we're basing this thing on. What guy? Dad? That's family. Seemed like people in the theater knew the archetypes. And I was just like, What the heck is all this funny stand?

You saw it in Spanish too, right?

Yes. Yeah, But you don't need to know what they're saying. It's all physical. You could watch it with sound off usual. My That girl had bats in her bush. Funny, funny In any language,

Bill, I know you've been making an attempt to learn Spanish. Ah, has has any of that stuck? Are you still just stuck on Banyu?

Well, I learned it. I don't know if I'm necessarily making an attempt. I'm doing it out of ah mandatory. Ah, people being like this is the kitchen. You don't go to the bathroom in here, so I'm finding out Bon. Yeah, I have to go to the bathroom. I'm looking for Bon. You

you know that banyan Cassina one is bathroom in one's kitchen Because you're being told that it's not one thing. It is the other. But you can't figure out which is which

I cannot,

because they always used both words together. This is not the ban. Yo, this is the Cucina, and you're like I'm here in both. Do I poop?

I know. I made 12 pancakes in the bathroom the other

night. How are they know? Awful. Todd Commercial. Todd, you got

to get rid of that parasite.

Uh, I think we are. In 2.5 months, we are legally married for having been together for seven years. I'm hoping I'm hoping to work it out.

I heard your parasite is about done with your snoring and is in packing up her stuff.

My parasite recorded me snoring and I thought that was so petty.

That is so embarrassing.

Here's what she's mad about is I don't actually snore when I sleep. I snow when I'm awake to get myself to fall asleep and I have examined. You're trying to trick

yourself for long enough. My body, I think. M sleep

Absolutely. So it's I mean, I have insomnia. So it's a night, sometimes 9 to 15. Our night of me just going awake wide awake, eyes open. Watching TV

must be really annoying. I do have to say, though, for a parasite. Pretty needy. Have you already eaten everything off my body? Do you also need to control my behaviour?

The parasite has told me I need to shape up my diet. Earthly.

There you go. There's your solution.

Pack up and leave.

I can't lose it. What do we have? This stuff I solution? I know

you're parasite waiting for the bus. The other day they come back

really the first parasite to say You know what? I don't need this host.

Well, it's so ironic because societally I've it's on my driver's license. I am legally a parasite. So for me to have my own now it's a tables turning situation, father or

husband or however you look at it,

the tour the same. Uh,

you're an old man and you're everything that encapsulates.

Yeah, but I use it. Bills are going on the bus the other day. It told me it was going out for a pack of cigarettes. Uh, and I haven't seen it since.

I This is kind of funny,

because I don't know, at a matter note is connected, but last week I did lose £5 pretty rapidly. Oh, my cheating. I'm not cheating scandal. I don't know. I don't I don't know if I have a parasite, but I have been eating mostly fried foods and losing a lot of weight. So

your your parasite talked to me at the barbecue for way too long the other day, and I was like, What's going on here? And And the parasite offered to walk me to my car.

I saw a couple of those arms shoulder touches to

Well, guys, we can't just sit here and talk aimlessly for an hour like we wanted to turn this into, like, something that really gives. Gives people a reason to listen. Right? So why don't we start the actual show, which I guess? Well, since we all are teachers, it's the worst trove. I saw you rehearsing. Yeah, here we go. Everybody here. That rehearsal. Ladies and gentlemen, boys, girls chosen of all ages. Thank you so much for listening to the teacher.

I heard it at the circus,

and I thought it was a really good intro. I didn't mean to trigger you

anything. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Sam. Freaking out. We got a dip in the water. Get the reset.

Put me through water. That's over some salt.

Let's get you in Epsom Bath and dressed. The episode from Epsom.

Okay, No.

Anyway, this is a This is a podcast where four buddies who are also teachers chat about everything from teaching to their lives. Um, so everybody welcome. I, of course am Howard Levis. Ah, I am. Ah, really real sweet fella. Real good guy, smart and the kind of guy you want to hang out with. Thanks for listening.

That was verbatim. Your dating profile video?

What do you mean? My video dating profile?

Theme? Confusion

is on your end, my man. That was literally you just copied your dating profile and put it into our show.

Well, I thought it it, uh, was a good intro. Uh, the lady who did it, who who shot it?

Okay, because the

service said it was really good it made. It made me seem friendly.

Why don't you show you what a real intros like?

Okay, I'd love for you, Sam.

Folks, welcome back to the teacher's lounge. My name is Sam, Weatherman. I, like long walks on the beach cooking Italian food and back up because I need my space sometimes.

But now that sounded just like a dating profile as well. What? That sounded exactly like like Like the little videos accomplishing videos. You see, you'll see you've seen it before. Where people put all these men, they tell they introduce themselves in a woman, picks and then they call the service on the

first day of shooting from the hip.

Oh, yeah, right. Yeah, right. So

you wanted our listeners to know now that you, like, long walks on the beach and back up because you need your space sometimes,

a big deal when you're in Mexico and you run a duck boat service, I need space to back up. And I'm always

Yeah. It's

on the beach. Baby, we should clarify that the service your own is called duck comma boat. And it's a boat that's out of control that people need to get out of the way.

Yes, I say duck boat because it confuses people with the other successful, uh, amphibious tours.

And they need to do

more than duck. They need to swim six or seven feet down.

Right? It should be called duck. Dive. Get out of the way. We're out of control.

It's one of the deepest runners I've ever seen.

Well, we really want to know where we're going. Once we get in the water, we want to be able to finally control ourselves. Because I landed Doesn't work.

I think it's

really gonna help you. I mean, Sam, I think your hustle is undeniable here that you want to enter the tourism industry here in Cancun. But you've yet to have been given a license. And I think it's because you're skimping on the mode of transportation.

What do you mean?

You want to get a car that has a bottom or a boat that does it on Lee go not zero miles an hour or 60 Straight ahead,

right? Well, our sort of hook or catches, you've seen an amphibious tour. You've seen these car boats that work both on land and in water. What's the next. Most extreme thing you could do. Go on a tour where it doesn't work on land or on water. Nah, NFIB ius nine. This'd non fib IUs tour where on land you have to push with your feet because there's a hole in the bottom. But that's part of the workout. Because its extreme as well. And on water, you have to both swim and push me the rudder. But you also have to hold up the boat because it's a heavy metal hole. You know what I mean? So there's a lot of extreme workout there as well.

I think we could take your ticket sales as a judge of whether or not this is a good idea. Sam, have you made any money in the past week?

What? You heard

what I consider money. I pesos.

Okay. Well, then, no. Okay, it Any pesos

saying, what would you consider money?

Love, I guess.

Have you made any money in the past week? No.

How are you? Are you having

any repeat customers are or how are you even getting somebody to make the first mistake? Do you hang out near the cruise lines? What do you do

Yes, for hang out right in the same hang out in the cruise lines. And when the cruises air all full, these people came for a water adventure, you know? And if the cruise they're full, they're spillover. And I'm a big spillover business, guys.

You sure are. Yeah. You're a big spill overboard business right now.

That's right. Nobody has made it from the beginning to the end of my tour without falling off the boat.

Now, we

should have

not announced this. This is kind of exciting. You have made an exclusive deal with the Grim Reaper, right?

That's right. That's right. Your first death is free, and and the 2nd 1 they charge you, But it's a good deal.

Yeah. How did you start doing business with the Grim Reaper? It's not typically somebody who

know this is

my new ad. I do to deal with the Grim Reaper. Your first death is free. You're not gonna have to pay for this one. It's a good deal.

Are

you medical Grim Reaper at an L A folk concert?

That's right. That's right. We're both big fans. We both love Abercrombie and Fitch. Um, and

so did the Grim Reaper come down here for spring break. I think he

came down because he heard about my business, and he knew that it would be sort of a nisi round up for him. I some you know what I mean? Like, he doesn't like to work hard either. He's already got to carry around the big sickle,

so his job is typically coaxing people to the afterlife. But with you, it's much easier, and he can take a load off.

Yeah, well, it's sort of like going to Costco, you know? You just buying and book. He doesn't have to do 10 little transactions. He'll just do a big round him up after, You know, I hit a bunch of people on the beach. Yeah.

Grimm is actually very fun ways on our

list. Well, the other night, when we went out with Graham, I mean, I had a I had a blast.

I had a nice time. I wish you guys had been a little bit better friends to me because I thought the whole night he was grimaced and I made a fool of myself. I asked him a lot of embarrassing questions

time. You don't need if the joke the joke question doesn't work once, don't try it 20 times.

Yeah, if someone doesn't need to tell you to shut up for you to take the note, you know, as many times as you just went. Uh huh. And turned away. You probably should take in. The note from Grimm was trying to be nice to you.

And you said, Why aren't you purple? Is that what you said?

I asked him where Ronald was, like ass wearing purple. I said, you looking a little thin? I guess The camera does add £10.

You said he should. When we were having dinner, you said you should call your buddy. I shouldn't eat this burger. I wish somebody would steal it from me.

Yes, I was trying to meet the Hamburglar. Yeah.

Now, in hindsight, it all makes it was really annoying at the time, but in high inside it, it makes a lot of sense.

It does.

But, you know, he likes the party. Grim likes to party.

He does, and he can get you in anywhere. I mean, we had a couple of ah of issues at the door, and I don't know if you noticed it. But those bouncers were not a problem for long.

No? Yeah. They dropped their

tap on the shoulder and your right in the door.

Not that their deaths were too chaotic for me. I didn't need that in the middle of my night. I didn't need this right.

It was almost like, Ah, finish him on more comment.

Yes. Yeah. What's up with

Grim Reaper? Like turning and putting out his hands like, Yeah, Yeah, all like that. You don't like to see people murdered?

He ripped a man's spine out, connected to his head. He did an upper cut into the guy's Jim, grabbed his handed, ripped his head off his spine, came out of his body and it looked like a little fish. It looked like a little fish that he was waving around. And then he put it in his knapsack. And and and then he walked away like nothing had happened. It was grows.

You guys. Can you guys

remind me why we can see grim? Because typically he is invisible. Correct.

Well, I saw it. I met a lady on the beach who said I had a weird energy about me. Ah, and she And she said, Your experience of life is probably much different than other people's experiences of life. And I didn't think anything weird about that, cause Yeah, of course, we all have different experiences. You know, my life is very different in your guises, but I'm starting to think maybe she was sort of delivering a prophecy of some sort. Ah, and letting sounds Gladding wind, Yeah, maybe letting me know that I have some sort of connection with the afterlife that may ah, you know, make it make it easy for me to access that. Oh,

that's cool. You should You should do the thing where people pay you money to talk to their dead loved ones. Oh, you should, You rich.

It's interesting. You should say that. Ah, because I I after this lady, I tried to bring her to Springer with me because I was like, Oh, this lady's for shirt and Kinison. I'll say this lays a psychic. She's my friend. I'm her manager will get in. We get whatever didn't work out. Uh, I ended up having to spend the afternoon with Steve Wilco's, which from

Jerry Springer's ah Body Man

Famous Body man? Uh, yeah. Well, no, he's He's the guy who throws people off the stage if they're getting rowdy or, like

are your fingers Body double is Harry Springer.

Yes, Harry Springer.

While he's not a good body double, he lived a lot different. And let's

just say we know how he looks different.

It's pretty. Harry. Yeah. Hey, call it

H A I R Y Springer.

They should call it where Wolf Springer

They should what he does. Howell. Any time it's not the father,

it's a dead giveaway when it's Jerry hosting with Terry hosting because of the howling, when it's not the father,

when they have to throw, meet up there, Teoh him.

That's the real giveaway is when the stage is covered in Bram Eat. You

know, think Jerry Springer would have an easier time finding a body double that looked like him, I guess. Well liked the name sound.

There really are trying to get his other double rum springer to come, but you won't leave Pennsylvania,

right? Right, which is silly because his name implies that he's

definitely Dio would be

fun and crazy when you finally made it. But he's not leaving. He's not. He's not the rial room spring.

Not yet. I think you have to wait until he's 21 or something. Uh, but anyway, I So I ended up spending the afternoon with Wilders

Fairy Springer.

So you will close and clairvoyant?

Yeah. Ah, me at me.

What did she say about Wilco's?

She said I see a lot of potential in your future, and I was like, No,

we can't have a

spin. Will goes.

No way this guy will get a spinoff That'll go in the similar slot, Springer. Because he's not. He's not the personality,

not sex, like he's made of clay.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, and let me tell you. Yeah, I might as well be

and spit. Well, you know, he went on to clay boxing match

your celebrity deathmatch. Every does himself.

Yeah, he didn't have to do a puppet. Uh,

no way. But he went

on clay boxing match box, which is slightly off brand and on VH one.

Yeah. Ah, but anyway, I actually ended up spending some good time with Wilco's, and he and I'd say we're friends. Ah, he told me. He told me I could come back any time, but I have to stay outside.

Well, that's huge. That's one step closer to Springer for you. What did

he say? Did he say that Springer's changed? He's different behind the scenes. What what's going on?

I so far, he said. Listen, if you want to meet Springer, you have to complete my three challenges. And I was like, What

is likely troll?

He's swill Coast apparently is a Springer troll, and he said, He said, You have to complete my three challenges and then you'll finally be able to meet Springer And I said, Bring it on. I love a challenge. I'm good at this kind of stuff. I'm smart. This isn't going to be difficult for me. But then he told me it wasn't going to be a riddle. It wasn't doing anything like that.

He doesn't speak in rhyme or anything. Full troll does the three rules three riddles. But nothing is in writing

and he kind of just talks like this. He's like, Come on, man, come on. You got to do the three things. If you want to meet spring, you got to do three things at times like I'll do it, man. Turns out these things are gonna be very hard for me to do. They'd be very easy for an 18 year old spring breaker to do, but for me, an adult man and Cancun, it's not gonna be easy. First thing I got to do is he said, I got to do I have to complete a power. Our and I was like, What the hell does that mean? And he says to me, That's you gotta for an entire hour. Every 30 minutes or every 30 seconds, you gotta take a drink. And I was like, That's too much alcohol for me. Yeah, that's what you guys used to. Guys know what happens when I drink alcohol.

You become your real self.

Okay, now, nine. That's not

the truth. Comes out the stuff you always try to bottle.

You start furiously riding on the computer,

Read your manifesto journal.

You mouth along Savage Garden Lear. Explicit a little tear streaming down your eye.

You guys gotta pretend that you haven't read my LIVEJOURNAL From now on, forget that information.

That's an unforgettable livejournal.

Yeah, well, anyway, I've scheduled this week I scheduled a power our so I'm gonna try to get this first task done to power Our I got these three kids. Ah, who came out here from Arizona State. They were like they were like,

It's totally chill

man s. So I'm gonna go to their ah rental cottage. Ah, and we're gonna do a power. Our so, uh, we'll see how it turns out I'm well on my way to meet and spring. I just got a completed three challenges. 1st 1

power. Our

That's awesome. I really hope you meet Springer. It's such a dream for, you

know,

If I could get a ticket to Springer break, everything would be different every ever. Howard, be different

as your friend. Let me promise you this you're gonna meet spring or even if I have to kidnap him. Okay? It's gonna happen. That's worst case scenario. But if I have to kidnap Springer, I'm willing, Teoh. I'm armed and dangerous according to the U. S. Government and I got your baby.

You know, normally I think you're absolutely crazy, But I got your full back. I'll drive. Get away on this thing

now, Todd, you went down to the open calls for, um, it's kind of a mini riel world that takes place over the course of the spring break.

It's a one. It's like a one up, one off episode of Spring Break. They put four people together and just have him go wild on spring break. Um, so I went to the open calls, had to fudge some information because they were looking for college students 18 to 24. Obviously,

laddie range

failed out of college. And, you know, I could pull the look 18 to 24 but I can't get ah, fake I d quickly enough.

But we we did a lot of, um, makeup for you. I thought you pulled it off and you got through the first round. Is that correct?

I got through the first round because, you know, they found me to be very fascinating. They liked my monologue, which I guess not. A lot of people did monologues for their try outs. Nobody. They said, Um, and they're even filming the tryouts in the auditions for behind the scenes documentary. So I'm pretty excited for all this.

Does it feel like they're filming everybody for the body? Since documentary,

I haven't seen cameras on anybody else, really. And it's unprofessional. Cruel. Say that there's a lot of snickering going

on. Uh, Asher is there.

Have you seen any famous people Are any like,

Have you seen an

easy up that is constructed just outside of the building that you're in? That seems to have a lot of electrical

everywhere I am everywhere I am, Um, there's an easier everyone about the light. It is empty except for me and one other person.

And what fighting like in there is a big, bright,

bright lighting blood

restaurant you've ever been in? Well, you

know me, lighting wise. I don't have great ice Arman Echo locator for the most part, but I can tell it's a little It's a little bright. It's a little blown out, and I'm seeing like the same kind of like redneck e, uh, white dude a lot. It was like my waiter and my driver

are walking. Any yellow signs taped to phone poles that kind of indicate people were said, is they usually have the title of the of the project on there because

I've been seeing I think the

project is called, like a project underground. Ah, nice. Cool with the K, dude. I guess what they're calling the show because you're on U N K d Project underground. Next time you're on Fine. You're on a bunked.

Dobley been punked in long term. You're

being punked in Mexico. You're on the You're on the show, punk.

There's no what are the odds that I'm getting parked for the 15th time in Mexico?

It's just not possible. I think I realize

that you're the easiest mark in the world and they just keep coming back to the well because

they're that I huh is pumped officially on MTV or they down here testing? Are they testing pranks for celebrities? What? I d do you feel like you're being used multiple times? I

think I may be a prank guinea pig,

because people have

been hassling you at grocery stores and stuff to they've been seeing how long it takes you to boil over.

Yeah. Yeah. And then at the end, they say this is the part where we would give you $100 if you didn't freak out. Um, right But I have

the other day you

were studying, um, I saw you with a lot of pictures of Frankie Muniz, and you were like, I need to be him today. I'm going to get, uh, pranks.

Yeah. Yeah. And that's what they tell me. And now that we're piecing it all together, come in at, like Frankie Muniz, we're gonna pretend. Prank you

What for

these practice episodes. A punt? It does sound like what you guys are saying is right. But first of all, my Muniz is great. Um, what you

learn from looking, studying all those pictures

to make you mean? It's so great. What did you learn by studying those pictures? Well, you know, a lot of

actors will say they watch old footage of somebody. They get their mannerisms and stuff like that. For me, Human essence is in the photo. So municipal smile if it's a smiley picture, but he'll that kind of serious if it's a it's a less serious one. And obviously, you know, there's not We don't have, like, the Internet on our phones or anything, but I can't just get pictures of really quickly, so I got to take photos of them a lot of the time. Um, so a lot of the pictures air blurry. So my performances pretty blurry of him. A lot of them are like a hand up of a security guard. I have to assume what he looks like behind up. That's tough, but yeah, I think what you you guys are saying is possible. But I think what's actually happening is they're doing it behind the scenes documentary on me for the real world. Show that I'm gonna be on a real world

show where there's only four people you said before and it only happens during spring break.

What's more likely that I'm in a star on this show or that they're using me as a pretend celebrity to try pranks out on?

I guess if I'm really

thinking about it, neither one seems

plausible. Well, I guess I have an idea. I did see, I did see And maybe this will stick. Maybe it won't. But I did see a lot of times with documentaries or or things like this that air tests the person they're filming ends up being more interesting than they initially thought, and it kind of cons interesting it becomes a, ah bigger project because I did see the signs changing that it

did say punked tests and then, ah, eventually just artists. So the sign say punked test.

But I think I do think it's project underground. Nice, cool, dude,

but eventually just

started changing. And they, uh, they just said Ugly old man to make There's a There's a new untitled documentary

that makes me think it must be about Todd.

Is that is that I don't know.

Why would a documentary called Ugly Old Man be about May?

Just because I'd be honest? Yeah,

well, yourself in the mirror and tell me you think you're a handsome young man.

Now here's an issue. I don't know if you guys have had this lately. My reflection is not showing up in mirrors anymore.

We need to speak the clairvoyant about. Or did you just get rid of every mirror because they were devastating?

I think it was the latter. Yeah, I think you're

looking at the wall and saying, Huh Guess it doesn't work

well. No, it's I think it was the latter. I'm looking at the ladder. What

thing? Good. That painting of Brad Pitt above your sink in your bathroom. It

doesn't fool anyone know? Yeah, we

know that. What? I bring people in my bathroom and I go, Hey, look

at what

I look like. You stand over here and look in the mirror.

Look at what I look like. I

don't think it works on

a Z. You move, you try to swivel the painting to make it work, and we're not buying it. Yeah.

Okay. Well, maybe I need to touch up the painting a little

more than I have

past. I think it's dangerous to that. You've done this? Well, I won't. I won't suggest you've done this to your cars. You've put there's paintings of George Clooney in the rear view mirrors in your car. Uh, which is dangerous because you can't see behind you.

in the

Well, I tell you, I've been pulled over a lot of times in my life recently, forever. And you can get off. Cops will not give George Clooney a ticket. They want an autograph. So when a cop pulls me over, I go. Hey, check out that every mirror, anything talking,

Teoh, but yeah, Then you have to make the cop

get into your seat so you can see the angle that you see. George Clooney. A.

The whole interaction is tough because it's like I used to step out of the car starting ago. Why don't you step into the car?

Well, I mean, I think you just need to pick a reflection. Todd. Yeah.

What? Including in the bathroom. Cleaning on the cards. Fitness Street. Let's go with pit in the bathroom. Clooney in the streets

I I'm

a pit in the bathroom and I'm including in the streets. That

is a

pretty nice little wine, Todd. Even you stop doing the painting thing. You might keep that line.

What time? Ah, lot of times e. I know it can

feel tough when the camera crew comes to your house and they say sound speeds on ugly old man. But, ah,

Director Spike Jones,

Well, that's going in there a lot of times.

These can be just the thing that they propels you.

A lot of famous actors got famous off of the documentary about how they were agreeable.

Marlon Brando. Yeah, he got famous off the documentary that they made about Apocalypse Now.

That's right. Hearts of darkness was what Brando blow up. And then people started going back ago. Oh, this other crap is not too bad looking him.

Really? Yeah, because hearts of darkness made him look like such a good guy.

Yeah. What have

you, you know, use Spike Jones to help you get into Cem some spring break staff.

Well, he following me around studying my dancing for a new music video. Like my mannerisms and dancing. So I'm excited for that.

Took some wardrobe. Took some wardrobe from your closets for the same drugs

for the same project. Yeah, he took a lot of work despite Jones. Rob May.

Well, this is kind of cool, though, because he's

an artist. I mean, think about how in demand you are from an artist. Kind of for

the rest of great music. Video director, you know, have you seen the Foo Fighters ever long music video? Yeah, that. Yeah. Directly based off of my right hand. Yeah, because I got the oversized right hand from the salt the opposite of a deficiency. Now, this is a lot about me blowing up and my fame kind of my forthcoming fame, but, um, we do have to say that bill. I mean, I think you're you're about to be the next big thing.

Well, that's very kind of you to say, Todd. And I mean, I will say that presenting son wreak a glace is with the best dad award. Um, if you remember last week, I had a huge trophy made that plays. Or when you put it on a level surface, it plays Bala most part to do with him coming. The exact melody of Palamos, Um, which I I didn't finish. I pulled in all night or trying to finish by the most part two

that was from an all nighter

or the final product is from an all nighter. You guys heard it. You were there when I presented it. Teoh, Enrique, son sundry k. Um, and his father was there. And what did you guys think of the reaction?

Um, well, first of all, it was harder than we all thought to find a level surface at the presentation. So there was a lot of buildup.

Yes, the inner ear I've found Ah, um an old I pulled in in their ear out of some old man living. I stolen old man's inner ear from my from an old folks home

with a heist. I don't know what it engineer told you. That that was

the simplest way to do this bill there. But there there are many other ways to figure out if something's level than taking a human enter ear.

And somehow, is there a

way for that to transfer information to a

trophy I'm trying to

do in Indiana Jones and take it real quick and replace it with something else?

Yes, I put um Ah, a kidney stone.

What? There was Israel. So I went to do the

heist, and I realized I forgot the skittle I was gonna put in there. When I got to the old both home, I heard somebody screaming out Ah, a stone. So I grabbed it last minute and I replaced it.

P covered stone, grabbed it and you put it in a man's head.

You're so lucky that you could find something to replace the skittle.

Have you guys seen

this little man? It

was such a huge part of the plan. When you lose the

square, you know, half way down to the old folks home.

And don't tell me you ate the skittle.

Well, I didn't forget it. It was a green one. You

absentmindedly through it in your

mouth. Yeah. Oh,

we all told you doing orange. If you do an orange, you won't want to eat it on the way over.

You know I hate oranges. I hate oranges. And we're like,

That's the point. I use my paper favor. You let a house with that yummy ass green apple skittle Too yummy. On top of burning a hole in my pocket. Yeah. You got to stop

doing heists like this, my man. All of all of your little ploys and plans are always like,

Well, yeah, I brought a honey bun Teoh, put in front of the laser out in front of the old folks home

high security old folks on by the rice, Tiny black of ours no longer to be seen. Well, I'll tell

you to do one of those coconut pink puffs. You don't like those?

Yeah, Taking

Lacey's. It's all right, Lisa. Star crunch. The worst of the little Debbie's.

all of the energy I put into this inner ear heist is what kind of ruined the presentation to Enrique and come, you're exhausted. Became lackluster and he didn't Really Even the trophy was faulty. He compares your mama most Part two.

I think

We got halfway through your night. Obviously that the first in her ear you got wasn't the one you ended up using because you ended up eating round on the way home

because, unfortunately, interiors agreeing. And you thought it was another lime green skittle?

Well, yes, I got halfway there, and I was like,

God damn, I got another

one. And I crunched down on it, and I was like, Oh, no, that ain't it.

The thing I love about you, Bill, is even when you're making a mistake, you're making it up. Full speed and full volume

fulls made full volume, but

yeah, I mean, I feel like I blew it

with Enrique. Um, sorry he didn't He didn't really bite, you know? So I don't know how I'm gonna get on celebrity dream decked.

Yeah. Have you know, I just sort of talking to him. Just sort of getting to know him.

You know what? The season's over

now. The season's over. Yeah, we are. I do have a couple other leads. Um, Samantha Mumba. Remember her

need to remember her. She's famous right

now. She is? Yeah, Yeah, yeah,

yeah, That's what I mean. Um, yeah, she sang one song. I think I could possibly have a shot with her.

Of course, there was a little drive. A shooting up, singing mum, but number five and loot bag got mad

Season desist.

Well, yes, she got ousted from the lineup because of his Mumba number five, and so I feel like that fell apart. Um,

I was thinking

about sneaking my way into carrot tops. Act as a prop

thinking about you did it?

Well, I was able to disguise myself as a lower rack of, ah, dishwasher on.

That's of course, one of his famous props.

Well, so and then he put a lamb on your head and said a rack of lamb and

everyone was like, this'd

good. Everybody yelling using

Yeah, I bombed as one of his props.

He got ended up getting pretty boot up their cause. Everyone was like, Hey, man, your face looks to normal, and we need you to be more buff. And he was like, OK, fine. You'll see.

Yeah. You think I'm weak?

Carrot Top left stages we go and you

think I'm weak. You think you can take me? You'll see in 20

15? Yeah. Screamed. I move into Vegas.

I've never heard of the champ. Eyebrows. Look to riel

before I can hear him hard. Yeah, it has been

really cool with all the celebrities down here, don't you think? Because of spring break and all this spring break content, there's

a

I'm not. You meant that he asked you to get confused for him. Uh, you said you got confused for M and M, and I got

you get confused on my behalf.

Oh, yeah. No, that happens to me. All that just for free. Yeah, I just get confused.

I mean, that literally just happened.

I was talking about, you know? I mean, I don't know what where I'm talking about sunburns

because your hair does grow out white. It grows out. Blood bleach, white.

Yes, but only out of the sides and the top. Yeah, I'm fully read all through the top and then I have bright white coming out of the side of my head if you took a picture of it above my eyebrows. Looks a little bit like the top half of a hot dog in a

time. Long is the top half

red skin in the middle of any a little bun on either side of my hair.

You know, your hot dogs, top or bottom. First

I go top because that's where all the condiments are. And then I eat the plane bottom second.

Yeah, I have second. I

hold it like a corncob, and I eat the top with a bite of but on both sides smart. And then I've got just a strip of a Nkana meant id bread at the bottom that I throw away,

right? I used to see my mom used to eat it like a corncob that she would go all the way around in so she would get all bun first, then all casing, then outer layer of meat than intervention. What she would call the core of meat way had a close relationship,

and I know it is good to have all these celebrities around, but I got to say this. If 3 11 bullies me one more time, I am I am going to lose my mind. I need to

hear from you a very syncopated beat.

Yeah, And they had a big problem with your

energy. Yeah, And I say, guys,

take it up, take it out with my mama If you got a problem with my energy, she she made me. I'm not the first you need to bully. Okay? And I'm just sick of it, OK? Their

music's

What color are they saying? Your energy is

ugly, right?

Ugly. Try again. Go back to the drawing board with that one is not very catchy,

actually. Like that ugly is the color of your energy thing in

front of them. They'll steal. Your idea is also

and there D J is giving you newbies, But it's a ziff. He's scratching a record. Yeah, Yeah, I'm sure. I mean, getting bullied by rap rocker white rap rockers is definitely a bottom of the barrel. Way to live.

It's horrible. Yeah, Yeah, just away from those guys. It's

hard. They

some boogie boarding last week, and I've been getting into boogie boarding and I took a real hard face. First fall in into the beach and into the surf, and it actually the saltwater slammed my eyeballs so bad that it blacked out most of the whites in my eyes. And I actually was walking down the street pretty much fully blind, and the basis from Limp Biscuit approached May and said, Ah, hey, cool eyes was bomb. Could I borrow your look? Really? No, I was, Yeah, I was quickly whisk or wheel chaired down because I couldn't see your anything. And I had a bunch of boogie boarding, rash and and blacked out eyes, and they started kind of like being like, Okay, we'll do This was okay,

We'll just try, try. This isn't a style icon. That's and they love How long George

it's.

There's something about rockers in your style, because obviously Marilyn Manson took your body type and outfit for the dope show Music video.

Yes, let's not bucket, head, bucket head. When I fell down in that KFC, it's crazy how, like

all of your accidents become celebrity styles,

I mean, Chili peppers did it did it with the socks on on their dicks.

Yeah, that was when you were dealing with foot dick confusion, right?

Yeah. I was constantly going into foot locker and saying, Give me size three inches

on their huts. Finma Little Big Way. Knew what

you meant by size three inches. But this is too big for

you. Yeah, so I don't know. I mean, like, I feel like I maybe have gotten in with the lip biscuit guys.

That's awesome. I mean, that's good. I guess it's good to have. I mean, that's that Seems like, yeah, that's your end to all these other celebrities. I mean, they're very well respected people, love. Like they own all the

lead singer. Ah, he's possibly dating Christina Gilera.

Wow. I mean, there you go, Bill.

That's sure

there's kind of Ah, a triangle between him, Eminem and Christina Gilera.

So jealous. Wouldn't be

so fun to hang out with them too.

Oh, God. Fred Durst in Christiania where What do

you think

I would just love to be your person at that table like, Yeah, so fascinating.

I think it could happen. I think it can happen while we're down here, I

would be all right. Handsome footing. Yeah. You guys should come with me, take, like, ny my

hair and go shop for hats. And, um, and put me in big, huge skate shoes and see how I look.

Were they saying they didn't actually want to have a baby? But they wanted to see what their child together would look like. So they're kind of trying to

murder during

A little bit of her little baby.

Not me. It they they put some long hair pieces in me and they push me around in a stroller.

Now, is the belly button ring still infected?

Yes. Yes, it's It's in bad shape.

And what are you doing to fight it? Or you rubbing an ice cube on it?

I'm scrubbing than weird purple stuff they put on you in the hospital that dries up your umbilical cord. Oh, I'm pretty much rubbing my whole body in

that. That's disgusting

to me. And I'm Todd Padre. Um Ah, we ah, let's see a Todd padre.

Should I have to go, You guys, I think I got to go to the bathroom. Yeah, sorry, Todd. I didn't mean to interrupt your thing there.

Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah, way haven't fully figured out intros yet, but I thought we should way

should probably that up top instead

of a tag it on the very end. I'll say, at the very least, doing the intro after an hour of talking is probably not gonna work, So we'll get better. At what? How about this? Next time we'll talk, we'll have a structure for the show. It'll be sort of like a little bit of gabbing a top. We'll jump into it a little. Do actual formal interest. I'll write something. All right. Some kind of intro for the great I'll write it down. I will write down with

Let's lock it down because these ones don't really feel these last couple haven't really felt, releasable they felt more just like practice.

All right, now we're putting these up for sure.

I We'll see. We'll put it to a vote as we do everything.

Let's put him in the time capsule and dig him up later.

idea. That's crazy.

Hey, that ain't a bad

Right now we've got the time capsules a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, which I don't think it's really like. Era specific

name in there. Two.

Guys. I gotta tell you something. What? We don't have a green Eminem or a PB and J in the time capsule living.

He ate the PB

I was or I wasn't hungry, but I was bored. Wait. Time

capsules us off limits. Sam. From now on, time capsules off limits. Anything we put in there, you can eat it. You can't touch it. You can't listen to it for at least 20 years

to be at least 20 years.

That's tough. To be fair, our time capsule is a cooler. So I got confused and boards

for It's a small snack. A glue cooler.

We're maybe next week. We should open the time capsule from 1980.

Yeah, but there's tons of

food in there. Yeah,

I don't remember what we put in there.

Yeah, meeting once. You're probably all disintegrated.

Yeah, it's probably no good. Well, Sam, go ahead and go use the bathroom. I guess we can all time kind of well off. It's time to go. It's fine.

Okay. I feel that ending, ending? I'm saying I got to go to the bathroom. No, it's

OK. It's time to know

as good. Last week was goodbye, but maybe you say, hey,

um to go a Todd

big bird. Sorry. Sorry

for pollen apart here

thinking parasites back, which is good news for my emotional health, but bad news for my physical health.

Well, I wish the parasite wouldn't walk me to my car. Tell her I said hi.

Yeah, I guess. Tell her I said hi to

I'm not telling my parasite your you to both said, uh

OK, well, you know what? I'll be fatter without

her. Also feel a little left out with parasite thing. I mean, if you parasite wants to come

up with parricide her love the finger to you and Waggett. No,

Shima towered. Howard, Let's be honest. You're never gonna have a parasite

Now, that's funny that you should say that

you couldn't get a parasite if you tried. Howard, you have no game.

Guess what? I'm gonna drink the water this week.

Oh, he goes naked on the beach and put your butthole on the sand and see if you get a parasite. I doubt

it, but can't. You couldn't get a parasite if it bit you in the ass

when we'll see next week while we I guarantee you

I will come and I will have a glass is a parasite.

All right, well, I

love you guys, but I really do have to go poo poo and pee pee.

Okay? And that's it.

That's it.