show. Oh, God. Is that how we're going to start today?

What? I'm sorry. I drink. I drink too much soda. Guys, I

need energy, but of Mentos in your tell me. Yes. Oh, no. What? Oh, no. What won't go?

You know this is going around right now. Put Mentos and soda.

What? What just happened to me?

Cause you to explode. Almost.

Oh, my goodness. That came out. Both sides now predict

that came out five holes. Our,

you know, God,

nostrils. Two years, mouth. That's five.

That hurt.

Well, then, six.

That's right, people.

11 7 Howard, you shoot yourself.

I did. I did. I did. But don't tell anybody.

All right? Sorry I go. Uh Are you still thinking about

doing show intel as the human fourth grade science project?

Yeah. If any of the kids will bring me. Ah, I figure it's probably weird for me to show up to have a show and tell at a school that I or a child that's related to me doesn't attend. So I'm hoping for an invite. Fingers cross. But

that's what I got along your before.

And a lot to tell. What? Showing up to schools unannounced.

You've been kicked off trying to do show and tells it on yours.

Well, I mean, is a show doesn't belong to anybody.

Show of those show entails. Like I don't know if you had

anything to show yet you

were going there, I told what you got Options

in a show. You can show someone who you can tell something. What? Like

you had a handful of screws one day. Uh,

is not Show or tell It's show and tell.

Oh, come on. I'm showing something when you're showing something all the time. One

time you brought in an apple core?

Uh, a lot of those kids probably never evil apple. They

probably didn't show it just a little. I told him I had it in my pocket. I told him I had

it in my pocket. What? What more do you want? Okay,

you guys, I don't

think anybody puts a strict rules on show until as you three do. I mean, Jesus Christ. It's just a fun thing for kids to do. It's actually away for teachers to

kill toddle. Cut off a show quick. If it's bombing. Yes, I'll

give people the light on the show until I have strict rules to show. Until that's time, that is time performing that you need to earn. And if you don't earn it, get out of there. Try again next week, right? I the sand man from, uh, from ah, Apollo, the Apollo to come on and really get those kids out of there. If it's not working

well, when you've applied the same strict guidelines to career day as well,

absolutely. You will get the light if you come in and you're And you haven't prepared your presentation on your career,

why did you give that F d

and why? Uh, firefighter the light?

Because I have no respect for

them. Oh, Todd, their heroes. A day is gonna come where we're gonna need them, and we need to treat them with respect.

We're fine. You ever fire happened in New York?

I've been setting emails to cut funding for the F. D. N Y and the the FAA.

What did you did you get? Um uh, what's his name? The mayor there, Giuliani, That

Giuliani is our man. Giuliani and I wear rented a catamaran, and we took it out. And I'll tell you this guy's got stories. He's got teeth. He's

got a smile. Trust it Feels like he doesn't have teeth.

And your you're pushing a narrative in DST.

Always good teeth. He's got teeth in there. They could Pearson apple that could pierce the human skin. Ah,

well, a lot of people say they have pierced tons of apples. A lot of people say that he has full horse transplant teeth.

That's right. Oh, no wonder that, Lincoln Todd, cause you're

flapping around that count on and he has horse teeth. What is this

gang of of livestock transplant? Backroom dealings were

the farm mouth boys and, uh, Agora. We go around and it's it is a real simple way to be a part of the club.

And who else is in? And, you know, I've tried to get in, and they were like, You're not part of it, okay? We're not accepting

people who have pig butts through this mouth. Only

I got turned away with a ponytail as well. I said, this is really genuine horse hail hair, and I'm wearing it on my head. But it wasn't good enough. I thought it was close enough.

Farm mouth boys, I mean what? It would look coming with your ponytail. Uh, but but have it be teeth, you know, have a fun time.

I hate to

go back to this, Sam, but you

just let out

a little bit of a slip. And you said, horse hell, are

you still speculating

on the after life of the EC wine?

Absolutely. Well, if there's one thing we all know, there's a heaven and there's a hell. And if there's one thing that I know is that there's a separate one that applies to horses and everybody knows it, why do you think they shoot horses after the race?

That Sam? What? What's the why? What makes

horses different? That they want their own? Why? Because they know there's an afterlife and

it's not a big deal. Well, the Kyoto Well, yeah, if you're lame, you go to hell. You get shot, you go to hell. And that's how it works. But if you've been a good horse, if you've been eating only out of the trough bag, you go

straight to heaven. Okay? So if you eat out of the trough where that's a horse sin, Is that what you're saying? No If you only

eat out of the trough bag, you're being a good little horse. And that's noble. If you're eating off the ground people's plates at the conducted there be something like that, that's a bad horse.

And you're gonna help Wrong going up in the stands. Eat off of people happened, Sam. Not anymore. Oh, they got

four horse Hell, yeah. Well, because yeah, word's gotten around that when they shoot when they shoot, you wish there doing liberally. Uh, you can go right to horse hell. And so all these horses air just eaten out of the bag. That's why horses air behaved so well. Do

horses eat out of bags bag? It's mostly has to do with the eating out of the back bag,

shitting into the bag. The bag is very important. The other bag. Is this. Have

anything to do with when you went to the horse races and misplaced your oats?

Absolutely not. Absolutely not. This has nothing to do with the grudge against a horse who ate my lunch on. I accidentally ate his Well, let's just let's call it what it is. Refuse. Uh, you know, we accidentally switched bags and I was there eating, You know.

Why would you be mad if you're your lunch? Was very similar

to the horses. Lunch? Yeah.

You say refuse. You're saying that there's a bag on both ends and you got the back end

bag. That's exactly what I'm saying. If you ever seen those central park horses, they can't just go on the ground. There's a little bag that catches it. Also,

you ate horseshit for lunch?

No, he ate my oats and I ate his horse. Shit.

Yeah. Why'd you say no first? Well, because that's what happened

that Yeah, but that's not the whole story. The whole story is horses go to hell because there's a horse. Hell, and and one time a horse also ate my oats and I ate his poo poo. But But ah, you know the horse.

Well, I do want to

draw the line. I know you're trying to get donations for your horse. Um, outreach And your you were gonna dio

What are the these

revivals that travel from town to town trying

todo absolve them of their scenes? We put a little bit of holy water on him.

Why? So you try to baptize

that one horse and you got kicked about 40 yards.

Yeah, a Guinness Guinness actually. Pull. That's the longest. The longest course kick fly.

Longest horse kicked during a forced baptism

with Guinness is getting pretty specific. But I can't. We can't narrow it down. Enough Guinness. Yes,

exactly. A record is a record is a record. Let's let's keep him all okay. So I feel good about it. I mean, ah, the horse kick hurt. But at the end of the day, the horses better now, right? You say from horse

hell and And can you really quickly? I mean, we don't I could talk about this

for the full hour, and you know, if we do, that's okay with

May. But course hell, remind me again

your version of it. It's

a lot of the breaking of the

horse. The horse has to get broken immediately.

Of course, the devil, of course, is a big red jockey. And he is down there and he you know, if you've been bad, which all of them have, he rides you. He so he's a big

job. Let classically duckies air small. He's a

huge You may be the worst case

scenario for these horses.

Yeah, well, every horse in hell has a back problem because of this big, this big devil jockey. It's horrible. Any rides around and he's slapping them with a big stick of beef jerky. You know, they mean on torso.

Course. Hell, Sounds like horse. A lot of what horses life on Earth is life, but the jockey is just bigger and is red

being a horse's hell? I mean, that's a fact.

And I heard the horse held there

were immediately greeted with two years of Central Park

duty. That's right. Yeah. There. Ah, immediately have to slowly walk around carting around other losers and hell with the top. Bad

dates in hell and the horses have to kind of like dick them around Central Park.

Yes, this is the one part where the two Hells mix and the humans from human help jump into the ride in a horse. Hell, it's very unfortunate. There were different ecosystems.

Toe hell, and they borrow from each other and kind of send people

around. And there's a lap. I didn't realize there's overlap that might come into play someday.

Yeah, absolutely. You don't want to goto the wrong hell either.

Yeah,

because God goto Sam's revival tent revivals. Utah outlines all of this. It's a lot of there's a power point presentation. There's, ah, those graphs that cross over one of those calls

and I

Yeah, we could handle this in a mini, but why not do it right here? E, I

don't I don't know if I want to do a whole sermon right here. Only that my true parishioners,

but in horse held, they also There's also a part of it where if you're really bad, you have to be written by a crooked cop for a while.

Yes, absolutely. He takes you down nasty alleys, places you don't wanna be. And, ah, you know, you get involved in all kinds of stuff also, he'll run you just to run the red light. You know what I mean? Hello. Scream and just go and just say go for it. And that's not safe, right?

So unsafe.

So his The majority of this cops crookedness is

that he runs reds.

That's how it affects the horse. Here he runs reds and he has to deal with a lot of unsavory people. So, you know, when a cop is talking to someone nasty. That person's right at the horse's mouth. You know what I mean? You're saying you're sniffing drug addicts, You're sniffing drug dealers. Your send the you're running red lights all the

time. Eso there's the red light thing again that does feel like a pretty big part of

Well, horse life is simpler than human life. And as on Earth as in hell, huh? I says, Yeah, that's what the teachers have taught.

We obviously have the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. What do they have?

The four jockeys of the apocalypse? The course I say. So

the jockeys air back

the Julia Hort jockeys or horses. Worst nightmare. If you see a jockey, you know you're in for work and punishment. You know what I mean? A jockey Horses call jockeys devils on Earth. Even

really, I didn't realize you had such direct communication with horses. You know so

well. I've done a lot of reading. I've done a lot of a lot of reading off of a lot of my own writing or seen all

jockeys devils on Earth. They're gonna run. They say that to each other.

You can't see it. You ever seen a jockey walk up to a horse and see its reaction? No. Turn away. What? Your big head Turn away.

Wow. Well, geez, guys, should we got We should probably get into things today. We talked a lot about horse hell, but,

uh, yeah, I feel like last week. Um, we called it the people's house.

Yeah, I had a new I had an idea. But if anybody else has an idea for a new a new ah, a name for the show, then then

I'm gonna think about it. But then I did everything else. Gotcha. Yeah, e u there, we'll go ahead.

OK? I thought somebody else was gonna jump in with their ideas, but

no, we got nothing. Alright? What a legal pad. Look. Wow, It's

empty. It's empty. All right, Well, uh hey and this is just a trial. Weaken, weaken, Scrap This one if we need to.

Maybe I did have something in my notebook. I woke up in the middle of the night and I think I wrote something down the oh theater. But on film, never

that'll never work that already exist on movies. No,

but it's theater. It's like

it's a bad movie state place in one scene.

It's just a film play.

Okay, look, this is you. Don't judge your middle of the night ideas. You just write them down.

What is that? Popcorn. But groovy.

Popcorn, but groovy.

What does that mean?

You like different things than butter? Maybe. Like funky?

Yeah, your flavors. You know,

that's a bad idea. Yeah. Okay, I try Sweet popcorn.

All right.

Made in a cattle or something?

Uh, maybe. I don't know. It doesn't send to groovy to make. Got a pass on that. I think it's just you got Groove your ideas for the popcorn. We'll see. I mean, do

you have any groovy ideas or just that there should be groovy ideas.

Well, the idea is, in the middle of night, you just write down the broader idea, and then you work on it later

to really understand what groovy means.

That's pretty, like, sort of with music, it just good or something. Or like it. Bob's your specifically

in the context of food. I can understand it with, like, music. And so I get it cause there's a groove and music, but with food groovy to me. Is it a texture thing? Are we talking like like a ridged texture? What are we talking about here?

Creative. Like me trying to explain ideas to tightwads. Like you guys. It's like we're speaking different languages. Okay. Tightwads. I got three tightwads trying to understand groovy popcorn, and it's just not gonna be able. I'm not going to communicate it to you

guys way. Have any

there that you're not able to communicate What groovy popcorn is.

You guys are like everybody that Ben and Jerry talked to before they started their business. Owen Ice Cream, named after a guy and the Grateful Dead No. One elite that it's groovy, man,

right? I think they said groovy once in the pitch for Ben and Jerry's. It's not. It's just not a food descript.

They were groovy guys. Yeah,

they were groovy hip guy.

I'll have you guys know. It used to be Ben, Jerry and Todd's. Okay, so I know a lot of the behind the scenes stuff on there. You

were cut out. You were You had creative differences

with Ben and Jerry.

Yeah, well, a lot of

my stuff was named after nasty women. I had dated, uh, and they were kind of like we're trying to focus on more pop culture stuff. Nobody has met this person. It seems like you have a grudge. And they did nothing wrong. And I'm like, I don't know. Um, you know, maybe we could dio Betty Bettis over talking to cookie dough

and you heard pop culture and mistakenly went straight into popcorn.

Yeah, I went for Bob culture to popcorn. And so I was like, OK, I think I get what you guys are doing. Maybe a groovy movie theater popcorn. Ah,

I get why they kicked you out, Todd.

Why? I keep saying I went

Teoh the store the other day and I wanted to buy some half bank baked. And it there was Sharpie written on it and it said half. Apparently I snore too much May.

Oh, really? Good. Well, it sounds like I got through them. It sounds like I got through to them.

It sounds like you got through to their supply and changed the pint of ice cream in the freezer. Todd doesn't sound like that. The rial print that Sharpie.

How was the spelling on there?

Uh, Miss Vale, Everything was misspelled.

I wanted to get some American Dream, which is one of my

favorite, Stephen Colbert. Uh,

who's Who's just on the data card. He was on the

data car. Oh, yeah, that strangers with candy. He's got this idea called America Dream. He's hey

did short runs of it himself, right?

Yes. Um, but I went there and they had

it, but it was marked up to buy Sharpie. Um,

and it said, uh, it said day I had, uh Well, I kind of

know what you're talking about here cause I saw another one. I was looking for some chunky monkey, and I just found chunky Martha,

uh, way. Know what you do there?

Oh, come on.

Oh, I remember. It's an American phone. Parentheses. The least you could do

is make me a little dinner drinks.

And I was like, Jesus, that's crap. Is this fully thistles? My direction? This is Mrs where I go. It's This is way. Definitely have a lot of too many pitches on this bit.

Look, these air all defensible. These are all defensible. Chunky Martha, That is not a weight thing. Okay? She her body had like it was like lumpy and chunky. Okay, um,

eso you thought immortalizing that image and I speak in the name of an ice cream was a good idea.

Well, I wouldn't have to have been a good idea until she broke up with me. And then it's like, All right, And you're getting the full vengeance of Todd.

Good vengeance. He admitted it. It's

revenge. Harry, just do the

intro. I mean, like, it's Howard. We My name's Howard Bill. God, I'm so sorry

I missed it up top, and last week I messed it up. At least I'm messing it up for the same one every time.

You know? I mean, at least you're only messing of my name.

Well, I'm constantly thinking it's Harry. You are

remembering him. You're just doing it wrong,

right? Right. Exactly. I remember you as the wrong person. That

makes Messi only fantastic. Bill.

What? Launch into it. Because I think it could be a good thing to have your sort of an intra.

Okay. Well, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another episode of a great podcast or radio program called Tutors. The tutors are in town. It's where four guys who like to teach talk to you guys about what's going on in their lives and about what it's like to teach people. I am Howard, quote unquote hairy

Levis, and I like the humanities and I also like science. Ah, and I'm a nice fellow

folks. In spite of what it just sounded like he had it all written down in front of him.

I we were reading that

I wrote it down with with some, like, sort of extra lip sees in parentheses because I wanted it to sound natural. But I think I

comes in the US in

the FBI. Put take little paws. Awkward pause. Why did

you write down tutors? Lounge? Were not tutors,

but because it's a different way to say, teacher, it's it's It has the educative vibe, But it's Howard. Well, I

am pissed off right now. What was really, really bad? It was analyzing. It was it was not what was its were not tutors. Okay, Okay. Uh, it was under prepared. You know what? I got a right mind too. Walk today are my

walk tie? Don't quit

the first time ever. You're going to go take a walk.

Always say you're gonna walk.

I'm ready to walk on this thing. Okay? I do not need it. I don't need it. All right. And yet I know. I know. It's not gonna be a literal walk, Okay? But I will skulk out of this room, Uh, and I'll get out of here. I don't need this. All right? I am an actor. I'm a director.

Uh, name alone. Todd. You've never done anything of consequence. Oh, really? Yeah. Really? Yeah. Oh, really? You really never know everything you've literally never didn't

like. I would argue that a lot of this place had gone All of

my place have had some sort of consequence.

Feel unintended consequences. I call it collateral damage Book More than I would call it. Consequences. It's all damage.

All art has unintended consequences. Okay, now, sure. Every once in a while, during the table on Romeo fight scene, someone in the audience got stabbed cause we had to use real swords for it to feel realistic, but had to Okay, sure, because I have trouble crying on stage. We flooded a couple theaters during some of my big dramatic scenes because I cannot work the tear machine that I invented.

Todd it wasn't a tear machine. It was a few Set your stage, uh, next to an above ground pool and you just sliced over the side of it and all the water from the above ground pool flooded around you like a tidal wave. And you just stood in a torrent of water. Smells like chlorine and bleach you over bleached it, that's for sure.

What? Your machine If it's not a machine, if you have to ruin a new pool every time

you technically had Cem some wires that you take underneath your eyes. But you got so frustrated that they weren't siphon incorrectly that you slice the pull up.

Okay, well, I don't know. I just don't know. Do you want me to walk

12 drops, maybe. Were you on earth? Would you have a full pool?

Because I I read the review. Not a dry eye in the house. Well, it won't serve. You have been afterwards

and said not a driver or person and

has not a dry person in the house. Not a dry eye, not a dry person. I achieved my goal. All right,

Todd, let me tell you a little trick that they use in the theater. Okay. Oh, here we go. It's called a convenient exit. Okay, you leave the leaf stage half second when you have to do something, Adam, cut Adam some blood, add some tears and then you re enter as if it happened. It's easy. It's an easy thing. You don't have to make everything happen. Practice.

I manned age. I've been acting for 35 years and I have never left the stage during a performance. Why would I start now?

You work as host to a lot. Yeah.

Researchers don't leave. The audience wants to see what the characters up to, even in the background. So my characters always in view,

If there's an exit written into the script, you should not audibly say and I ain't leaving. It ruins. It ruins the reality of every play. When you say I'm gonna sit here and see this, a lot of dramatic irony is the result of somebody leaving a play and then entering after information gets spilt. Todd, you've ruined plays by being there and hearing the

twin. What did you think of my production of waiting for good? Oh, where I was good. Oh, and I was on stage for the whole play.

I thought no one was waiting for anybody is a Well, you should've called it good. Does here.

Yeah. Good does here. And he's angry that they don't sell him or multiple cart is a cigarette. Call it. Cut him off from Syria. I think you were called Anting. They they had cut you off from cigarettes yourself.

You said drop this good. Oh, stuff. This is Todd. I'm pissed about sig prices.

I agree. Cigarettes

too expensive. And that Why did they cut me off? Charging me so much already and neither cutting me off from it. I'm trying to teach my daughter a lesson. Did

you read that? Never.

What the reviews of waiting for. Get out.

Yeah, There. Have you recalled it? Waiting for Todd Padre to leave?

That's right. Waiting for that body to leave. Good. Don't see. This play was a big one.

It was big. It was a big one.

What a bunch of titles.

Obviously we're down here in Mexico up the old man, which was started as a test episode for punked. They found you, uh, the central figure of that to be so interesting that they turned it into a documentary called Ugly Old Man, which now you are. Are you trying to adapt this documentary into something that you could do live?

Yeah, Well, creative differences. Um, honestly. For what? What's been going on there? You guys saw some of the footage A Sfar, as's faras. I understand now the name has changed so many times. Now we're on nasty weird pervert. And I'm just like, Look, this will

including yourself. So well, you're just you're still it actively involved, even though it's

collectively involved, were having some creative differences. But I still want to be in the show. Obviously, you've got to be on TV, but I'm going my own way for the play. I'm doing what was originally intended, and I'm putting up a reality show. Has a life play. Uh, wow. So, yeah, it's me. It's tech. Um, it's puck. Um, it's, um what's her name? Ruthie. Ruthie is doing it. Yeah,

really? Dipping into the Hawaii cast.

That was my season. Baby Corals, Corals in, um, he's coming up in a couple years. My man David wants to do New Orleans, but I'm telling him to come and do mine. I've written some lyrics for a song for him, so I think we're on that together.

You know, it was a little taste.

Is it? What's yourself again?

Um, it's Come on, I'm a baby tonight. Uh, Okay, um but it's mostly scatting. Um, as you as you know, You guys have heard my album Scatman part two?

Yeah, I was I was confused cause I had never heard the 1st 1

Well, it's because there is. There is a Scatman that has been in the world There's an on I'm saying I'm part two. I'm kind of coming of this

camp And it's not the second album. It's the second Scatman

Second Scatman, which is what the note was for a lot of people's what it should be named. Um,

when you've put out several albums is him. I mean, I heard Ah, Scatman two takes Kathmandu. It was like a travel thing.

That's right, Scatman To take Scatman Dio was probably one of the most Ah, lot of people were saying that it was like Graceland, but more appropriation, unless musical quality

Wow, more appropriation.

Yeah, I believe. Obviously scared, uh, hiking the scat. Mandy's where I was in the Andes Mountains and I did all my records up there

with about mountains, huh? Yeah, I guess in my

desk. Appellations

those calculations is what I'm working on right now. As you guys know, I did get I was up in the scalpel ations, and I got, um, double frostbite on both my feet. Oh, full foot

now. And not just frostbite on both your feet. You got double for us. Spite on each foot.

Yeah, which, of course, is ironic because it was a Ben and Jerry's and Todd's flavor double frostbite. I was trying to make an even colder ice cream using Gatorade frost. Uh, and then I had a double frost. But

it's true your athletes foot fought off the cold and saved your feet.

Well, my athlete's foot fought off the coal, and it almost didn't win the battle. But then, my jockey, it's joined in like, the end of ah, like an end of a movie like reinforcements coming. And, uh,

they showed up at the last second.

Yeah, doctors have said that your athletes foot is the one part of your body. That's an incredible shape.

Yeah, um, this they said. I have athletic athletes, foot,

But, um, qualified for the Olympics this year.

My athlete's foot qualified for the Olympics. That's right. And so I had to become a country. So they represented the country of tired. You saw them holding up the nasty flag flag was a

problem like stink lines coming up. People were passing out as they marched around the, uh I'll say

this. There was a rumor that the flag was actually just a used pair of your underwear.

Remember, that was a truth yet,

but if they turn out to be very effective for your athletes, feet during the races,

very effective. Yeah, they passed out. Kevin Johnson is that guy That was Michael Johnson. And then, obviously, KJ from the Phoenix Suns tried to do the Olympics

try. But he passed because you're Eddie's.

Wow. So I mean, this is a big week for your sits and diseases because not only did your athletes foot it qualified, um, for the 400 relay team, so it's gonna be third leg on the relay team, but also your parasite heads of big news Versailles athletically, uh, my

parasite, my parasite is now taking over as carry Strug's coach. So, um, big Russian man, my parasite is my parasite, as you all know, was a big Russian man within my stature. How are

you first parasite. Bigger than the host?

That's right. Um, and so parasites doing the Olympics repairs I did not want to be a part of Todd Parasite went with the USA, so that's been a break up. We broke up. Well, you broke. That's right. My tennis elbow is competing in the mixed doubles.

That's on who's ah, Who's her? His partner,

Um, his partner is Andre Agassi's ponytail.

Wow, that's a big get.

That's gonna be a really imbalanced Teoh. It's good, I hope I hope you're at your tennis elbow. Hangs back, is all I'll say. I think he's gonna tank the whole thing.

Spoiler alert. My tennis elbow is going to steal in shots from Agassi's party, too,

so your tennis elbow and Agassi's putting ponytail are playing Pete Sampras and Andy Roddick. That's

right, Um, and I think they've got a good chance. Obviously, it's going to be tough because they're being coached by John McEnroe's attitude. So wow, the bad boys of the Olympics issue

Have you guys talked to McEnroe since his attitude left and went on its own?

He's very is kind of an empty show now.

Yeah, it's really sad. Honestly, he it's only he's almost vegetate, like veggie like that.

He's almost vegetable.

He's almost vegetable, for sure.

PARIS His attitude left and he turned into a vegetable.

I mean, it's so sad that McEnroe is vegetable now

is can I say, Is that how you

say that word?

I don't know. I stay out of that section of the grocery sign. I'm never out loud. So it's like, weird to be like, What are these things?

You guys avoid every section. If you can't pronounce it right, right,

I have percent. Lee. The only place I go is deli.

Yes, you can get all you need there.

Yeah, well, yeah, macaroni salad. I think that's where they keep the macaroni salad.

I'm thinking about trying out Syria well, and when once they get like the the conflict figured out,

that's right. There's still a lot of confusion about the the, uh, let's see. What is it?

What is zero alley? Yeah, what's on the what food is on the other side of that conflict. Um pasteurized palace Salt Indians.

But dont tell Sultan Ian's

stop teen Ian's think this serai el Palestina. Sultan Ian's got to be figure out before I'm going over there because you know who? I don't know who's right. They both tastes so good. I

mean, what do you want for breakfast? You on a saltine, Ian, Do you on a serial? It's different every day.

It seems to

me that, like most most of big grocery stores on CRL side, and that's frustrating to me, it feels like Saltine Ian's aren't even getting a chance

if I don't get why they can't be happy. One side has milk. The other side has soup. Let's just let it be

well. The big battle, of course, is about the lunch that goes along with it. The guy's a chicken strip.

That's right. That's right. Well, who's gonna get it? I just don't know

why. It's well because the people I believe that the salty me ins and the cereals and everyone in the guy that all the strips, they all want to just live peacefully. But it's the politics is the politicians

say, progeny in the salt the salt in. Ian's have to denounce Hamas. They have to. They have to. If the conflict is ever gonna be resolved, they have to. They have to denounce him. Us.

Okay, I think that's totally true. I'm with you on that one, Howard.

It's hard to denounce Anne Mosle, because what do you do during the holidays? I mean, I love him. Us. It's

It's tough to beat. I mean, it's a nice salty treat, and it's right there. It's

It's not our place to solve this conflict. Okay? We're not really a part of it. We just have to let it let it about the dead seed.

Yes, a little salty. I mean, it's a little salty. Who wants it even

agree? Let it die. Now,

Sam, uh, you've had a big week. You held a rally, Uh, which the hammerhead shark community really showed up for. It

turned out a lot bigger than we thought. We were doing the rally at the end of the dock so that all the hammerheads could come and be in attendance. We had over 2000 hammerhead sharks in attendance. Uh, we thought and then they came out of the water as I was leaving the doctor, I thought my speech was over. My followers were just that. They swam up to the sand and just started walking all the way through the streets. A parade of hammerhead sharks following me. He's and weatherman.

I'm not. It was awesome, because hammerheads, you know, they're not that aggressive, but they are, you know, and more aggressive shark. But they got, But you were You also found the working class. Uh, sharks were there as well. You had a big following from the nurse sharks?

Absolutely. We have nurse sharks, sand sharks, tiger sharks, all kinds of people and short people to you. Okay, Sharks are people, too, and that's what we haven't been considering and last how the revolution's gonna happen.

I remind me of how this does anybody remember how this revolution got started? It's not even

the how it's more the why is the part that is both of those questions that I think I would love to get answers.

Look, we do not need to talk about that, all right? The revolution is happening and it will not be televised. All right. This revolution is bigger than any of us. Sam

Revolution Tours. $50 gets you on the boat and gets us to the White House or whatever they call it.

Here. It's right. So you can pay to be a part of the revolution and get to the White House or in Mexico, whatever they call it. No, I don't want to speculate. Yeah, but, Sam, there are some people now who are saying that this for you is not a revolution. It's a business opportunity, which I think is disgusting. What do you think?

I think it's disgusting. Some people are saying this is empty. It's a cash grab because they can see me taking cash from people. You know what I mean? Literal.

Obviously, you've You've attracted all these sharks, which is what people want to see on these tours. The and you are using it to benefit. Is that true?

Exactly. I'm a Robin Hood. I take the money from the tourists. You know, these little these little tourists that come down, not like us. Other people take their money and I put it towards the cause.

I can. What are you providing for these sharks? I I've seen Barrow Chum House. Do you think sharks are

a hopeless species. I feels like they're there. I mean, top of their food chain. It feels like you're you're kind of like championing the big guy of the ocean. And I mean, they eat human being sometimes. Sam,

listen, I don't know what's going on, OK? But these sharks like me, and I like it, and you're not going to turn away

their support.

I'm not ready to generate. Their support would produce my business. All I have is one glass bottomless boat. What am I supposed to do?

See, Todd, this is how you really cry.

Okay? What am I supposed to do? Quit? No. Every shark is a vote, and every vote is

a dollar from a tourist with Sam.

He's making me cry to

now. Where? That where that pool come from? Do not be not. Cut the pool time.

Don't cut the bullet here.

You'll ruin the

equipment. Theo. Dry in the house, baby.

My microphone on my copy machine. My coverage. Let's let me some

water get into the coffee. I think that'll help a little in the coffee.

Yes. Coffee is better now.

Like brown, it was too strong before Ah,

now, Howard, I think you're cutting out a little bit. Is your microphone okay?

My brain's not working right?

Okay, let's let's just wrap it in the new new Levi's rags rags, these Levi's rags will probably soak it up. Levi's are sponsored a Levi's rags. Do not use the sheep rags. Don't cut your jeans up into rags by super absorbent rags from Levi's, the only rag used by the bounty guy. However, now you

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Hey, guys, do we pause for a second on this ad read. I feel like we've you were You are in the zone and I paused you right there.

It's OK. It was just a little bit of a short stuff for me, but I got Whiplash Member.

I love the Levi's rag. I feel like we lose it when we head into the maternity and I don't know I have a pitch, but maybe it's two separate products.

Listen, I I said it from the beginning. I want to get rid of these Levi sponsorships. I don't want my parents money, okay? I don't even want to do these reasons. First place, but we have to do him if we're going to take the money for it.

Can I just ask why you don't want the money? I'll take some of it

because I want to be. I want to be my own man. You know, I look it I look at guys out there who are money is the honey. Uh, honey money.

I remember. Inform as you see in the

bunny. Anybody else got one?

You're gonna be your own man.

Check my dream journal. Hair money, honey. Let's see here a

piece of meat

that one's triple underlined. That means it's a good idea.

Okay, I don't think you get to decide if your ideas a really good dot I think you have to open it up to the vote.

We'll ask me, Howard, you last week you were the shrimp slob you were wearing Levi's. We got a lot of money from from the Levi's Corp There, there, there, net.

But it's just it's it seems so easy to do to go that route. OK, I look at guys like Springer and see how they've created an empire for themselves. Okay? Based off of who they are, what they like. You know, I don't like jeans. I'm not a jeans guy. I don't wanna be, uh, an heir to the genes fortune. Okay, I want to figure out who Howard Levis is, and I want to push in that direction. I don't want to go where the road often traveled by my family,

Howard. I mean, you can't just no offense, but just because you're not a Jean guy doesn't mean you have to go so hard into full khakis.

None taken, by the way.

I'm not. I'm not sick,

you know. Im a khakis

guy. Okay, I've never been I've never been this sort of, like free wheel and denim sort of fellow. Okay, I

one observation about your khakis, Howard. Sure. I don't think khakis air for someone who is unable to control Splash back at the urinal.

Hey, it's not my fault. It's urinals. Fault. I blame urinals. You're in. It's the materials that they're using.

We're going to be honest. It looks like you hang them over the your urinal and try to pee through Well Ah, lot. There is so much pee on the front of your khakis.

Well, I'll be honest with what I did today. I did P through my khakis today because I was trying to filter my urine, but that's that's it. I did what? Because somebody

you were. I

heard, if you drink the water and you drink liquids that are made in Cancun, you are your your urine sort of has solids in it that you can sort of coalesce into valuable materials. So I peed through my khakis as a sort of like net to try to get the value of solid all the way. You're in

gold from your P. I'm you're expecting.

I'm trying to make money somehow other than taking it from my family. So I Yes, I'm urine prospecting. Okay, My plans to meet Springer haven't exactly worked

out, so I'm taking it where I can get guys prospecting. There were a bunch of old timey men clamoring at the door this morning. Is that where they're looking for your golden P? There's a bit of a pissed Russian. My apartment guys. Okay. There was a little camp set up. People were trimming pelts and had little fires going. Somebody died of diptheria. I got rid of a body this morning. Some like I pre somebody son die.

Yeah. Thanks for your help. Listen, I can't control. I can't control what happens. I can control my reaction to it. That's it. OK. And it turns out there is a bit of a pissed rush going on in Cancun right now, and I'm kind of tempest in your

ground zero.

A lot of people are saying I'm the California of the piste rush.

That's so interesting because Levi's were kind of made during the gold rush. You I have a You've created a piss rush and yourself Think

Listen, I devised a pair of

your turning into your parents Exactly

different. I'm different. I'm different. My khakis There's America worse. Your different worse is different. Worse is different As long as I'm different I don't care if I'm worse. Okay? I I'm creating an empire of my own off the khaki blend that I created That is the perfect We've for piss sifting. Okay?

And I was your brand called, huh? House?

You're not You're not Levi's,

the MP vice.

And here's what I will say about your jewelry. It stinks. Well,

you have to wash it first I say that on the package bill

your way back where I'm wearing a lot of it. I like it, but it stinks. And it does cause

rashes on the skin.

Well, again, you have to follow the directions. Okay? You don't You don't buy bleach and drink it. Do you know well, No, you don't. Do

I jewelry I thought

you could wear without a protective covering. What

do you do with all the jewelry? Do you have to throw it in the wash once or twice before

you can? Where you throw it in the wash? You have to set it in the sun for at least 48 hours.

Must be worn in open air

only. Yes, Well ventilated, please. People do not wear my jewellery in a non ventilated area. Ah, it's been known to cause fainting. Ah, it's really It's really bad again. Read the tag. I know the tag is big and it looks bad on all of my jewelry. Please read the tag. All the information is very important. And I don't want a lawsuit because that would bankrupt me at this point. Okay. And hey, but maybe if I do get a lawsuit. I can hire Jerry Springer to to pull out the law books and come and defend me.

I don't know, Howard. This morning I was sitting around the fire drinking coffee out of a hot tin on some of the people. I was chatting with their starting to say that What you're selling his fools, p

no. Okay, that's ridiculous. My p is not fools. P

Well, yeah. A lot of people are saying it looks nice, but it just doesn't have the same consistency. It's not really worth anything.

That's I mean, that's obviously a lie. The ice. Everything that I've created is very is very, very expensive. Okay, And it's not just piss coded. It

is. You even tell the difference.

Well, you can wear it. And if it leaves a yellow ringer under your finger or neck or here, then it's fools P. But my jewelry is not full speed will not turn you yellow. It won't

promise Toronto Carl Dockers, heir to the doctors fortune, is also selling his PM, and people are saying that one is not making people pass out. It's not making people think you don't have to wash. It airs leave it in the sun for 48 hours

to each their own. It's what I say to that to each their own.

You're saying some people might prefer to pass out or a wash their

jewelry? Yeah, they might prefer mine. The side effects might be worth it. The benefit might be, but, uh, be find the cure might be better than the diseases. What is saying? Some people say,

Well, I did see you. Ah, rubbing elbows, trying to score an exclusive deal with conduce to have him be wearing your

Yeah. Yeah, and we're still in talks. Uh, it's it's it's honestly, he has way more leverage than I really originally thought. He is popular right now. Ah, I thought

he was just sort of a

fleeting sort of moment, sort of personality. But this

guy has

got staying power.

I mean, if daily can't make

it, they they call conduce. You know this and

that's what this is like the VP,

he said. That's what he said to me. He said, to me, doctors has Carson, and if Carson can't make it, I'm going to go up there and I'm gonna work with doctors instead of you. And I said you'd P vise is where it's at produce. Like I'm on the the bleeding

advises where it's at. Qadus

Tell you what doctors is really mailing their new campaign with Carson Daly.

Daly is It's a perfect branding. Well, I don't know if you guys saw, um, but there seemed to be some hats going around now, uh, with my alter ego written on them. Whoa. You

because we've been calling you von Trait. You've been going around its von Dutch lately.

Yes, my bun. Dutch is my alter ego. I just wanted to kind of Ah, Fred, have a fresh start

on you. Wear a hat to signify when you are your von Dutch alter ego,

right that zone, Chris Gaines or my, uh, it's really funny, you know, build Bill von Dutch crave e, you know, And

I don't know. I think it's catching on, but I'm seeing none of the monetary benefits and the name

came from. You got that nickname because you always insist that you go Dutch on dates? Yes. So women would be like, Oh, don't

go. I was, But we're going of on Dutch. Why? And Yvonne to be Well, uh, it means of, uh, eso does that make sense? That makes

a lot more sense. All the people that I'm seeing wearing that von Dutch stuff, they always want a discount. They just want to pay half.

Yeah, it's honestly the worst people wearing the hat. I haven't met

a frugal It were a frugal bunch. The Dutch er's, um and yeah, we haggle. We bitched to family members about splitting anything. Um, we always throw out of Venmo request minutes after leaving. And yeah, there's Venmo now and then, like were were cheap. Is hell the Von Dutch er's I will

say the like. Going to dinner with you is really fun because you're always ordering for the table appetizers, air flying. But

then But then then I say I didn't need any other crab cakes. Not of those crab cakes you like. We saw you don't the whole crab cake in the big band AIDS, and I was like, and I'm like, in the hell out of here and it meeting others didn't have any of those corn dogs

burp crab smell. That's every single time. Bill

burp crab smell you for our note. A burp crab smell. You just found my burp and you want to charge me $8 catcher's way lifestyle. It's basically a noncommittal lifestyle. Listen, we're going Dutch on this date, all right, because I don't know if you're the one, all right. It's a really it's basically my dating philosophy. Listen, you want me to pay for your half, you have got to give me the goods and buy goods. I mean, support me even when I'm wrong. Uh, no questions asked. No matter how annoying I'm being, I will not change for you. Listen, women men, I will not change. I do not care of your about your opinion. And this kind

of become the von Dutch mentality and lifestyle. People who agree with that are wearing your clothes, and it's It's weirdly transferring over with some of the less likable people in society.

Split and Airbnb with everyone and forget to pay.

And yes, there's Airbnb. He's now.

Yes, folks, there's all the apse existed already. We're just doing a slow roll out over the next 20 years. But as everybody you see in a von Dutch hat is a good person,

verifiably false. But

yeah, I don't think so. I've seen groups of I've only seen groups of all men walking around looking at women but never talking to them and and just shouting across the street to them You're gonna pay half

Bill, can I say? I think the issue with the Von Dutch hats for you specifically is there that trucker hat? So there's like that machin There's a lot of openings. And for someone with let's just say plugs, it isn't the most flattering away to have your hair be seen in the back or front

butt plugs, General. Putting it

lightly. Okay, let's just say plugs. Um, listen, the problem with hats that don't have mesh is that they kill your plugs. So

they are plugs.

They extinguish the plugs. Well, no, not mine. I'm selling these for people with plugs. Lovely. I have

hair that grows long. If you

let, it can be styled with a comb if you want it. Here's the thing,

though. Bill, you got, um, those, uh I mean, maybe they're not plugs, but why does it look like you got them in Europe? And there's, like, an adapter on the plugs. Uh,

some will not

me make a mistake and get European plugs. So there has to be an adapter if you want to wear them in America

because there plugs are a little bit wider based or or smaller based.

If you were following their, there's fewer follicles.

You are bigger

follicles. Yeah, they're bigger. And then they have to go to three follicle for America to get a ground. Or else your hair will be shoddy and might spark.

Well, that's what happened. Albert Einstein. He came to America without without the convert way. So I

figured out the theory of electricity

from E equals Electron is What about the advert? His hair laid down straight.

Yeah. That picture of him with the tongue out is him first crossing the border. Hair went up, tongue went

out electricity. He checked in at Rikers. He gave him his name. Rikers Island. Prisoners

go to Ellis Island.

You gotta go. You gotta stop by Rikers and tell him your name and they just call

you boot. They just look at you and they go, Oh, you're gonna be called boot here in America because we don't understand what you said

so But also the reason the Von Dutch hats are meshing the back is because I got

a deal and only paid for half of a hat.

I

gotta go Dutch with the hat makers. Is

the whole the product we went Dutch on.

So some people, you bottom from paid for half the

production as exactly right? Yeah. You see anybody in a von Dutch hat Go up to him, talk to

him. They're a good guy. Well,

guys, I am. I'll tell you what. I am exhausted, and I think I need to take a take a little map or a break or something, because yeah. Yeah, life is being tough. Let's

take a nap. And then ah, uh, I can't be in here with this mining process that if we this liquid p hot liquid p that's being poured into the molds, his making me

Yeah, this is nasty. Our I

figure out a new process. That's just what we have to live with, Guys. Sorry,

Sam. I think one of the reasons you might be so tired as you are getting a lot of

so

you might be getting a little too. I think you might have heat exhaustion.

Well, I don't

know I mean, I'm I'm in the sun from sunup to sundown. And is that too much?

And then sundown you go to attaining bed.

Yeah, well, it feels freezing when the sun goes down there, and you've been used to it all day. So I have all sort of

found status. Sam, you're kind of starting to look like, um, you know, those like grands Pillsbury flaky biscuits that have, like, a sort of layer of sort of flaky biscuit on top. Kind of breaks off if you bite it. Yeah, I know what you're kind of starting to look like a person version of.

And I'll also

say, uh, we split a food Thanh. And And last night I rolled over and my mouth was open your shoulder and I will say you are butter tasted interesting. You like a grand's.

It has. It's gotten

a little

annoying to me that every night, in order to get your clothes off, we have to hit you on the side with a spoon.

And honestly, the sound scares the hell out of me,

right? Well, I have been wearing sunscreen every day. I got this great new sunscreen that isn't butter uh, and you can't believe it. It's called. I can't believe It's not butter. It's sunscreen. Well, I can't believe that because

it's not butter. I'm not sure that that means it's sunscreen.

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

It's a It's a little, um, thing of white goop had him put it on. You spread. I mean, well, it's well, if it's cold, if it's hard, Yeah, but you get a knife and you go outside, and you just sort of, you know, it's like a piece of bread.

You're putting oil on your body, buddy.

Well, you know. Yeah. Can I borrow anybody's chapstick? Yeah. Okay, great. You may not get it back. I usually these sort of just absorb.

Well, if you're going to use that, I want you to pay me for half.

You got it bad? No. No problem. Well, yeah, I guess you're right. I have been in the sun. Maybe I'll sit in the shade for a couple minutes.

Good. That's a good idea. Idea.

Get a couple of minutes of shade.

Well, drink some water.

Well, thanks for listening. Everybody to this episode of Redacted. Yes. I won't say that the title again since it's since it almost caused Tod to walk. Yeah, but will be a miracle. We'll confirm this week and try to figure out what the hell we're gonna call this thing.

Yeah, You know, I got to get going. Me and all the von dutcher zehr going to go down to City Hall and, um, screaming the government that they're wasting our tax money on the postal Department.

That makes sense.

And I'm going to go take a piss, Uh, for the

next six or seven hours way. I swear to God, if these

prospectors and speculators air not gone soon, I'm gonna lose my mind

finding another stream of income bill.

I don't get about another man in really saggy long johns up in the middle of the night rummaging around with some pots and pans.

Is that a dig? It may.

I will say no, I don't think

dirty, saggy line? No, the prospectors air cleaner than Todd.

Wow. Yet

yeah, that's my problem. These prospectors is they keep telling me that clean myself up a little bit.

Yeah, get over yourself, prospectors. Actually, you're minding for P.

Meaning it could. I mean, if you're making some money, were down. But you got to start turning a profit

well to next week to see if I've made a profit off this piss jewelry. Ah, and to see what else has happened over the course the next week. I have a feeling it's got to be pretty eventful. Uh,

figure out our sign

off next. Uh,

what about a big so long, But that makes it sound like the show is really long. So that sounds like the reviews

week. He's giving. Well,

we'll think on it. All right.

See you later.

I don't know

you later. Yeah. See you later.

Not bad. See

you later.