Bleachers Lounge: Golden Crisp Rule

Hello, Bali's and welcome to the Bleachers Lounge. The first, best and only podcast about issues pertaining to the Hamilton Little League for old were coming at You live from the Little League World Series and somewhere Pennsylvania. How's everybody doing out there? It's me, your host home run, Henderson. And I'm here with all the Little League. Dad's here to talk about our

sons and baseball.

Yeah, alright, Nice intro. Home run. This is Doug Ascoli. How you guys? How you Baldies doing?

Oh, I'm reeling. Good. Cliff Mountains over here. And boy, am I excited to be back in Williamsport?

That's right. I am. Of course. How? Phillips? Ah, I am excited to be here, but of course, laying low.

That's right. You got a big trouble.

I did, I did. I got that explains the disguise. Yeah, Yeah. So as you guys know are

plastic nose little mustache attached to it. Your wire rim?

Yeah, I I Of course you still live in Pennsylvania? Ah, and so ah was banned from baseball activity here. Um, but, you know, I wouldn't miss

it. Right? My work. You start at Pennsylvania Little League game.

It depends on how you classify a riot. Because

how do you

classify? I classify riot as, ah, as property damage exceeding $33,000. Yeah. So

three times a 32 K

you did

In that case, I've started to riots. If you go by the rule of law, which is just chaotic activity organized by groups of Children, it's about 45 riots.

Yeah, it's bikes up after 32. It goes a couple under a couple around 32 in a couple of 200 K

Yet the do that are over 32/33 where? 256,000 K and 322,000.

And even there has to be some social unrest already. Pre the little league? Yeah. For its to kill such fires,

I'll tell you guys get political. The well, the 1st 1 to 200 K 1 That one was right around the lost finale. It was right around the lost finale.

And you can't blame Mata. You choose right? Right in los

finale. And people in this country were pissed, okay? It didn't have Yeah, but eh finale. There was a bad finale.

Speaking for myself, it was confusing. Yeah, I was angry. I was. I was fighting mad people who

were in the mood to to riot already.

When we were organizing, we were so pissed. And where do we organize the snack bar?

There's nowhere else for us. You know. We all

hear vote those writers out of the writer's room.

Hell threw out the first pitch of the game. Ah, and he ended up beaming Damon Lindell off.

That's right. Lindell off was in the crowd because his his kids play for, Ah, the Southeast All Star World Series team. Uh, and, uh, you

know said, it's a little It's a pile Lindell on and they kill them, right? They He's dealt well. He's lost. Ironically, he actually lost after the pile. The lindo

a pilot. Linda. Let's let's just say the papers had a field day with those headlines. They dio them toe lost. Where dio

Yes, for a little on. Of course. We 48 15 16 23 42. Lindell Office gone. Uh uh. Where's Surely he was a good character.

I mean, there's a lot of rumors. The one that's

the most prevalent as he was smashed dead into the dirt. Yeah,

if your message boards. That's a lot of people say a

lot of the message barges saying Home plate looks bigger and then pretty sure that's Lindell off

because it's home plate

is now six foot 3 £240.

Well, they buried him on top of what's his name, I want

to say, but we want to be a

type of butter bean and Buttafuoco.

We would have lococo sandwich, but that's a lot of, but that's a rich sing.

Yes, So it's interesting that they that the world Siri's here has a butter bean Buttafuoco Lindell offs ice cream sandwich. Home

plate. Right there is ice cream here as well.

There's vanilla, vanilla, and each layer, of course, is like a lasagna. But

but But you're you're hiding here. You got a moustache on use. You stop by

the, uh, the joke store.

That's true. Joke store on 33rd Street. Guys, check it out.

I will say disguises,

working in terms of people not knowing it's you, but it is drawing a lot of attention.

Yeah, because he was like, Oh, I haven't seen one of these in 30 years. I know exactly what this. I had

a really close run in with a car. Yeah. Is this a show? Yeah, Well, this is funny, right?

I walked past a couple cops having a hot dog on the lunch break or whatever they do and difficult they loved. They loved the thing. And I Nice

fucking pigs eating dogs. I love we love

the community. Were kidding.

Yeah, well,

of course, we support the police way. Think they're great? We just think it's funny that pigs eat dogs. That's all I imagine that cartoon, which I have been working on lately,

I says to him, I come up there and I make a joke. I go, I go, Huh? Pigs eating pig. Because those airport dogs, for sure, like there's a little bit of a cannibal situation

You were beaten to a pulp. Luckily, the disguise didn't come off. But people think there's

a show that's gonna happen here, and you're gonna be funny.

Yeah, And I got my best

break down the game near here, though. I mean, there's a lot of traffic

here, right near the concession stand where we set up our flimsy little ah picnic table with a super thin tablecloths.

I don't know if we need the cloth. Are making a lot

of noise for the audio.

And are we certain? As far as the table goes that the little round ring is in the right spot holding the legs up. You know, you push this thing

way up at the time way I have I have both of

my feet under this bottom right leg. So I'm trying to keep this angle. That

holding it up?

Yes. Big. We're talking,

you know, like

when a table one leg is shorter than the other and it gives a little a little tunnel room. Little little rumble. This is not that This falls over.

You put a few sugar packets under there. Some. I have both feet of each other underneath the table leg. Ugo doing this

because Cliff your ah, you have restaurant restless leg syndrome.

Yeah, my cigarettes. Well, thank a little fidgety. You know how I unload all

the shit in my pockets on the table. That's the type of guy,

right? When you sit down,

I unload wallet keys. Everything's unloaded when you take

a picture every day of your daily carry, right? All

the little Ramon, you can. Oh, my God. I lay it out flat on a on a hardwood floor. I get it all symmetrical and I snap it and I posted. Do you guys think everything I carry is necessary? I think you think it's necessary. What do you guys think? I think it's three. Too many pocket knives. You carry a few too many. Okay, so eso I got six pocket knife carrying three. I understand

the photos of your wife and kids, but there's a lot of other photos in there that are people that you don't necessarily. I don't think your is close to

a couple of stock photos.

You gotta Allison Janney picture in there.

Yeah. You know, there's a wishful thinking. I want to meet Janney. You know, I've always

wanted to meet Jenny.

Yeah, I heard her kid is playing in on the Northeast team this year, so maybe she'll be here.

Well, that's what I'm hoping for. I wanted to see that I got a lot of Shutterfly stock images, a grass

That's just some Jeremy. Right,

son. Jenny? Yeah, son Danny. Alison, Jenny's son, um, is in the World Series, but

I you know, Now you're paying

for those stock photos of grass, right? You're buying

$50 for the shuttle flies. That's good. You get a flight

show star they should stock. Shutterfly is like a place where you upload your photos. It's like like a like a album. Like a digital album site. You do shut a stock, which your paper pick from shutter stock. Right.

I paper pick. Yes, I paper pick a. Speaking of my picks are not good. My paper picks.

You haven't figured it out yet, right? You said you still been working on learning it. I was talking

about the ones I use on my teeth. Paper picks

the food out because your picks I'm trying to get ahead of this whole while I

am capitalizing on the green industry and then I'm making everything out of paper.

You guys way. Almost made it up

here in my pip car. Almost almost

almost. We did have. We did end up having to rent an SUV,

and it's like when we say almost we we've got about 20 miles outside of Hamilton

did quickly catch on fire. When I filled it up with gas.

I told you I told you. Premium. I told you. Premium.

Yeah, I put regularly. And then the paper car quickly got on fire.

Did you guys enjoy your accommodations? So

I will say, I will say the big bad wolf huffed and puffed and blew my paper house down quicker than any of the other ones.

Yeah, the big bad wolf is up here and he's Yes, he's pissed.

You think his name is too many superlatives big and bad. But you see him and it's like, No, he's both. He is a big, bad

world. Occasionally it's like I see a wolf. I'm not sure if it's the big, bad one. You will know focus on these days

around the Little League Red Siri's because of his famous kick out. They caught him one year cheating. He did make the All Star team, but they caught him for being 14 12.

Yeah, here I is too old and people wait. We don't know how dogs, dogs, Air Wolf's H, maybe 14. I mean, that's that's like, That's what you know. What's that? 300

14 years? 300 years old dog?

Definitely. Yeah, so used

to plan old because we all said Hey, we all know you did write in hoods, Grandma Dirty undressed up is her. So you've done it before? Sorry to stereotype.

Yeah, Yeah. Stereotype if it was you, that's the same wolf and all the tales folks is. And And I thought Wolf's

were were mostly dangerous because they're aggressive. They have real sharp

teeth, retrieve huffs, and he will blow you. It's mostly an

exhale thing with this wolf. A big tail, a cough.

I think he's sick.

Should be the big sick wolf.

Yeah, well, I think that's

actually the problem. He's not actually that bad. He's

hurting. Yeah, everybody thinks he's one that just got whooping cough. That just thanks. When he was dressed up as the grandma, that was just a sick. He was shivering. He needed it.

He just needed those little pics to

let him inside for a moment so he could get out of the elements.

He's been living outside asshole got

pigs on the ass hoes and yeah,

I mean, like, I actually

want to see because, of course, the big bad wolf goes after little pigs. Why

don't the big bad wolf Why don't you go after

the big bad pig.

Yeah, that is a good point. That is a good point. Big. The big bad pig is up here anyway. Did you say big fat? Yeah, I was. I made a mistake. Oh,

no, no, no. Well, for person. Yeah, You just editorialized, This is Are they Are those different people big, bad and big fat.

The pigs are different people. Now,

Does the big fat pig also go to the market and have roast beef? Or is that just a little pigs?

That's a good question. Home, right?

I would assume he needs more food.

So this big fat pig had more roast beef even than this little

piano guy? I don't know. I don't love how we're talking about the big fat pig. It feels hard to be nice to him and say his name at the same time. It's true to say that I was taking the name back, though. Yeah, big. I love yourself. You gotta love your sandwich. Home run. You learned?

Yeah, I learned recent big epiphany

for home run. Uh, you all probably recognized me from my most recent episode of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.

They did? Well, you say episode, but they did a whole season of

the first. The first that that, um the queer eye's threw their hands up and gave up. Is that correct?

Yeah, they did a whole season called Fed up. Uh,

it was just multiple attempts at

you. You kept rearranging your house back to look ugly

again. They would leave it. We'll take Oh, I get it. I get it now and then they'd come back. And the first

thing they do is it Look in my trashcan and there would be a water pick. An electric toothbrush. Thank you.

They couldn't even get you. Brush your teeth.

No, I mean, once a night with baking soda, I washed my mouth up,

but you definitely

provided many of the moments they usually save to the end with the the person the person cries.

There was a lot of water works. Yeah, it is not hard to make me cry. Um, you know, and they didn't think with me where they let me watch the testimonials of my wife and her son. And that stuff is hard to see in person. You know, where they're like, just worried about him constantly calling it. He seemed to be living in the past.

You were the first person on queer to make Antony throw up three times with your cooking, right? First

person to do three,

right? He said, I'll give you one more shot. The three up. You are also the first person to

do one and two, right? So it would just kept being record.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm nothing if not a

record breaker, you know, May most most pitchers hit right through my head,

of course. Highest batting average against.

Yes, but most

pitches hit right through your head. Yes. So there's a record. You?

Yeah, yeah, these are pictures where there come backers. You hear those where the batter hits the pitch and it comes back to the

dangerous play in a baseball game.

Most dangerous. Yeah, I tried to turn a quadruple play, and instead I turned four ankles.

You can't you kick to other people's ankles and broke both the years

I broke both among kick to other vehicles. Obviously, if I'm so, if I'm sliding into home well, first of all, we know what's what my pants

feels. Of course, A little bit of phone that about both. That means you're sick. If you poop out foam on the home plate, you are sick. What do

we know? What? You're sick with

diarrhea. I wanted to get to the detail because you mentioned a quadruple play you lobby to get when you are pitching. You want an extra out

for me? Another our baby.

Hey,

give me one more chance. Most people were running off

the field after the third play. And you're screaming. No,

you all stop that slow jog with your elbows going high, come back onto the field for one more out.

Make sure you jump over the foul line. Don't step on the foul line, guys.

There are over the foul line. Bad

boys, Boys, boys. I just looked at my watch and we are t minus two hours until those big league little leaguers take the plate for batting

practice. Wow. Wow. This we're up here for r and D, you know? Ah, we're taking a look at how these baseball teams play, but and we're going to take it back

looking at here. They used to are in the R and D. Yeah,

One thing. Marty's a little bit curious about is a lot of people are saying he's putting too many waits on his son's bat when his son does practice swings. So, Marty, you're here looking to see you know how many weights these little Leaguers are putting on their bats, Right? Marty mines. Is that right? Cliff Klis? Marty Mountains is a to

my eyes. Is a teacher at the Hamilton a big fan of him?

Oh, yeah. Big family get confused all the time. Mostly because we have the same last name will not brothers. And that's the end of that.

Yeah, I came down here to see your cousins because we owe it to say that at the end of it is

that we're not brothers again. Get in deep to the family tree.

OK, so I'm kind

of famous around our league. Well, you know, for coaching the kids and putting weight on the bats,

weighted bats, way to gloves, waited sneakers. You wait every day

and I've had some of the kids saying Now you know I have tendon damage. This is hurting too heavy because I put what I'll do is I'll take duct tape and I'll duct tape a £15 dumbbells to the entire bat. Yeah,

you bring with the 15 numbered on

Dumb Bell and then you take it off. It feels like swinging nothing at all. You even wait the celebratory sprites at the end of the game? Absolutely. And that was a problem. Well, the big problem was I waited some of them and I didn't wait the other ones, you know,

some people were trying to lift him and they were floating off into the sky because they were expected to be heavy.

That's right. That's right. A couple people got full sprites

thrown in their face because they got to work. And then I guess, yeah, tell you what. These kids is strong. It's just not

very predictable, you know? I mean, for sort, you want to be predictably, she's gotta be nimble. You gotta hit the bat, not just swing it so hard. That's right, disappears. My team does have the record for most bat home runs. However, they never connect with the ball. They go the bad over the fence, and fortunately, those don't count no

most back home runs and third most pigeon deaths.

Absolutely third most pigeon deaths. I don't know How

would not number one, to be honest. But we've killed 32 pigeons this year, and we have planted 32 trees to apologize. That's so good. You have to do apology trees. I'll say you have to and I do something bad. I plan to tree and then I wash my hands of it. Yes. I don't know if you guys have seen the new apple orchard out on Highway 24 but that was all my transgressions.

There's hundreds of trees out there. You're still. You're

good night. But you're clean now.

You because you're working. You're working with your pastor, right to Ah, yes, my pastor, Johnny Appleseed. Instead of Hail Marys, he prescribes you apple trees.

Yes. And yeah. So we go out there, we get in his little booth. Um, he says all you have to do to make Jesus forgive you is plant this seed.

I have a feeling his mood, of course,

is to porta potties on a truck to port. What

is on a truck with a hole cut in between each of them. It's disgusting in there. But you know, you it's not for me

when people come in to confess, he says. Listen, this is just confession. Don't let your muscle memory get the best to you. Don't do whatever else happens in a port, but people have

time, she says. Don't do what I do. He is letting

it loose in there, He said. He'll you know he'll let. Of course, out of your father For gives you It's

tough to be

confessing on. Hear a splash. I

think the paper there is just trying to get his apple business off the ground, and he's using his parishioners as planters and fertilizer and fertilizing brings us and he quickly gets our poop, makes us play the trees.

It's really ridiculous how obvious it is, but you know it's but you say he's open your right of it, gives you some spiritually bits. Hey, listen, it helps me. I don't tell you what your religion this is. If it's helping them, it's helping. A thing is busy for May. OK, I don't tell you what you do in your churches.

You people got there the crystals in their terror readings. You got your apple seeds and porta potty professional.

Tell you, I'll tell you one thing. I don't get it. But if it helps you go with God. Thank you. I respect your Jewish religion. You respect that. I

poop in bags and take him to my pastor, and we plant trees. Okay.

Your argument is that we're equally crazy here.

I respect your were Think you have holidays that

bring families together. And, you know, I

mostly compost. Yes. And I am a human

dumping machine for apples. Hey, whatever works. Whatever has done wonders for your life. I see you care more about yourself. More about your family and more about your community.

Well, you see, I have this w w DP bracelet. What would diarrhea produce on? And it's the apples. I stopped coming the apple.

I stopped coming to you for advice, Doug, because it started becoming so confusing. I came to you when my kid had a health scare. And you said, Hey, don't worry about it. Yeah, what would diarrhea produce right now? And I stormed out of your house. It was infuriating and thoughtless.

Well, it's so simple, yet so confusing. It's it. It's not hard

to grasp what you're saying. It's just hard to grasp what you mean and

how it all boils

down to our gold and rolled. And after a day keeps the doctor

away. Okay? That's what I'm telling you that

I think that's really the golden rule. Most go

crisp rule. Yeah, it's going, Chris. Okay,

I get You can argue.

That's why is my religion getting under the hot seat right now? I don't under the new and tell you exactly what to do in your Catholic church. They don't come to tell me. I can't tell me that you're is. This wasn't

born out of a mealy apple husk.

Because how what about some of your spiritual practices? Should we get

into it?

I having, Right. I see anything wrong with the way that I practice my Catholicism's.

I'd say we've got a few too many goat sacrifices lately.

Oh, come on. Read the Bible, bitch.

It's so is your

rebuttal. Yeah. Read the Bible, bitch. Everything I do you'll find in the book. You'll find it in the book, guys, you'll find it somewhere in the book. I'm not cite sources. Read the Bible. You

almost killed your son on top of a mountain the other

day. Abraham, Maybe Abraham read the Bible. Abraham he? He did it.

Why do you want to excuse your behavior? You never really say. You know, I'm following in his lead or anything. You just sort of go like what? It's in the book. I can

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. All right? I'm trying to lead people to the book so that they can learn the lessons. Okay, I'm not going to sit here and preach to him. I like you want. If you don't want to read, you're not going to read it. So I'm not gonna sit here and be like, yeah, you know, what you should do is go read first Corinthians because you'll find out all these these wonderful lessons. I'm not gonna do that. I'm gonna tell you what I think. And then you say, Read the Bible, bitch.

I warn you right now, your son job is gonna have some trust issues.

Oh, yeah? What makes you say that?

His father has done nothing with torture? All you do is make him suffer tenders and alleviate.

Sorry you all

around my house. One more time for seven days playing horns, hoping that the walls will fall down. I'm gonna freak out.

Okay. Well,

frankly, you showed some restraint. Doug

Heye. He's done it six days in a row, but I think

it's the only song I know. I saw. It's all right. I'm teaching my son that song. Listen, I don't know what to tell you guys other than it's worked for me. Yeah, I use the same defense you use for your shit. Your apple should think it works for me. If it doesn't work for you, back off. I respect. Okay.

Now, speaking of religion, what

do we

think about the the no longer required pregame prayers before the little league game? Because obviously we each in our own way, started to lead our teams in a pregame prayer. Yeah, actual. And some would say, Do tow us. They have now banned the pregame prayers.

Yeah. I mean, I guess that's what it had to be. You mean we're living in a modern world? Everybody's different. Everybody's offended. You know, if I make people bacon, apple pie right before the game, that's not my religion. You know. I gotta respect it, I guess.

Yeah. I mean, I will say I'm out 1000 bucks on the costume. You know, you dressing up like the pope? Yes, well, a

little

like the pope. A pope with sublicense. I dress up like the big pope. All right, that's a little bigger. The coats? A little bigger, you know, I wanted to be seen from the stands.

A lot of people

think it's It's more tiny. Pope. It looks like the pope has been shrunk in his regular

club. Yes, that's are the opposite

effect of my intent. I wanted him to look big, but instead it makes the clothes look big and the men look tiny. So people say, Tiny Pope, Tiny Pope. And I say, No, it's the big pope.

It's in our it did lead to viral video. Big Bad wolf and big fat pig chase. Tiny pope

said, Big fat. You said big bad. Did you have to go? Time me? You could have just said Big Pope. What stings as you can. You world

people don't want me to be successful.

Well, I think I think you took a step in the right direction recently when you printed the name on the back of the on the back of the robe with the number you printed. Big Pope. So you're like people will call me Big Pope if they see my name on my robe.

Headlines read. Ha ha! Ironic tiny prints. Big Pope. I can't. I just can't. People don't

get my sense of humor in life. That's not me. Feeling pretty lonely.

That's across the boy with all of us. I think we all run into that issue pretty frequently where people just don't get the joke, and

that's just clean yourself. Also, I'll throw that out. There is a speak for yourself, uh,

reading you loud and clear. Home run.

Don't rope me into that. People love my humor. I mean, it's all baseball humor, Dad humor, home run humor. Well, they

laugh at you. I don't know if it's at jokes.

Okay, well, you know Ah, I think the comedy is all about the differences between men and women.

That's what all of comedy is. Yeah, I don't know if that's

aging too well, home run. It feels like nowadays it's like and that feels old.

Okay, well, I just run the last half hour of Jerry Seinfeld special. It's coming out next year. I get, and I think you'll see that it's pretty well, pages pretty well. You

know, it takes learn. It feels okay for the first half, and then the

last half feels dated.

Look, let's just say I think that there's a voice women use that's annoying, and women will never understand me. And I think I got Jerry Teoh to go hard on that stuff.

You make

Jerry do the high pitched, annoying voice

as life.

Yeah, Jerry, do act outs. But, you know, it's all you guys agree with me. There's a lot of differences between men and women. Men usually have shorter hair. Uh, yes, thank you. You know, uh, women did

that joke difference.

Then there's no joke. Then you don't even structure like

you're talking about that is so funny. It's observation. Jokes used don't have usually

in them. They're like a hard stance.

You guys ever noticed that? Usually women wear broads and men almost never do

usually. And cliff, i e. You and Cliff

may be have similar life experiences or something, cause I don't really get anything you've ever said. If I'm being honest, you've never a joke of yours. Has never landed with me. Home run. Not one.

What on? What about, uh, here's a good one. Um women. Have you ever noticed this? Usually that they're close air cut differently than men's clothes.

There we go. That's a factual information first half.

And so as a man, you're saying I gotta not shop in the women's section or the clothes will fit me differently.

It's like your jokes or

more tips. ITT's like a tip. A tip for an idiot?

No, here's a joke for you, man. There's a drug for you. If you're gonna buy shoes and you buy him and women's sizes, it's not the same as if you buy it in men size.

Who, uh, and so Islam. Mostly things that I think you have gotten confused

about. Buying clothes.

Really? Look at me right now. Does it look like I shop exclusively by actually target relatable?

Here's what I will say. Those kitten heels are too

small for you. I agree.

I don't know. They're

wearing women's shoes. They're too

small shoes.

OK, OK, so you're saying that my kitten heels and, uh, my tank top, which are

good for the stadium. That's what we're

seeing tanked up that says Beeby on

it. It's not making

it up and down the stadium steps very well.

That's for B B King. That's three Ultimate Man, Baby,

what's that baby made out of? What's it put on the shirt? This is s a sparkles. Those a Rhinestone.

It's a sparkles Sparkles Home run is the sparkles Home Run that eight B b King.

Okay, Yeah, I got a right mind to chase you guys right out of here. But unfortunately, like Cliff noticed, I'm having trouble getting around the stadium

today. I could tell you why. Well,

what about this? Uh, the Little League World Series is famous for some of the best stacked bar foods of em because

they upgraded. That's this past year.

We're talking Hebrew National hot dogs talking the Crispus soda coming out of the machine. Thanks.

I got I didn't want to tell you guys this. They quiet. Stay quiet. I bought a whole roll of those dollar tickets. A lot of whole roll those dollars snack bar tickets, and I'm gonna come out to us as many as we want you stop you after the snack bar. They have to honor him. It's snack bar rules.

Okay, the first thing I'm getting is one of those chalky lolly pops that look like you did Sand art? Yes.

Oh, I want to

be owe me one of my dollar tickets.

And I'm getting 20 sour gummy worms.

Oh, yeah, I might I might go a little bit nuts with the cow tails. Ah, a little caramel with the cream in the middle. That's got a nice little flower coding. Like a powdery coating on the outside that makes you cough when you inhale it. Oh, yeah,

love what we do. Our nachos. No jalape o

a little bit. You know, cheese for me, please.

No, Not too

spicy. I might just ask for cheddar.

Yeah, just chips in a flimsy plastic can.

That's a line of sebi. Now that's a lunch.

Well, that's the snack bar, so

Yeah, nothing. Well, they did. They did take our submission this year.

That's right. Relish only

really show only relish bottle because we were

saying the relish line is always too long because you gotta crank it out of that little thing. It just tips out. So we got one dedicated stand. That's the only place you can get relish in the park.

And here's what all the good dads no is. The relish is like the water cooler at the office. That's where all the good gossip happens. The good talk. Maybe some trades happen,

traded by the relish

station and none of these dickheads who don't like relish. Okay, that's the worst thing is when you when you get a hot dog, you Thurston relish on it, and some dickhead looks at it when you're walking by and he's just like Jesus, you put all that that's chopped up pickle on there.

I got

yelled at last time I was at the station because I took 25 minutes to make my own exactly perfect 1000 Island. Why? I sat there with the relish in the mayo and the ketchup and the mustard, and I said, Not quite right. Needs a little more love English again, Not quite frightened. He's a little more mayo and these p and I'm backing up the line.

You you ended

up. You're the batch you made so huge it was it was a little bit more little bit. Boy hope it's too much. They

have re fast.

I would say it was about a 1500 island.

I agree. I agree with you know those 15 under Gallo Park Nacho, they put in the helmet. I had to buy a helmet just for the the sauce I made. But I did get home. I put it in the fridge after it's out in the sun all day and it was still OK.

Well, we've all seen cliffs

cooking videos, and they are a lot about evening things out. Um, so you always start and you always start with a bull that's a little too small. So you have way more dishes at the end.

What? I always say cooking is not a science. Nobody technically knows how to do it. Right. Okay, just Yeah, it's always, you know, little of this little of that. The dash,

a dash, a smidge. Yes.

I like to keep it, you know, loose a snow lash splash. It makes

sense why none of your food makes sense and it tastes

bad. It doesn't make sense, but I'll say the videos are funny. The videos are funny because usually, uh, the the I don't even know

what they're called. But the e. P a shows up for Manoel waste.

I think it is the Yes,

the people. It's the people from Ah, um e t right. They show up in the full.

Yeah, I thought the anti thing down a couple of times. The house where they put up the big plastic wrap and the outbreak Guys come in and on a lot happened. Also had the food and beverage giving you d

Yeah, because one of your crim brew lays opened up a portal

to another universe. Is that yes. And Crim is right. There was no cream in it. It was a crim Brule A Which

means what they It is. It is it, is it? Ah, like, um uh,

cash Zach's to cram it. Don't you

hate when you're you're camping and the fire is gone too long and it's just all crim when you wake up in the morning.

Absolutely. When there's too much cream, then you fire

stinks. Yeah. Oh, I do love it, though, if you can smoke, as I

mentioned earlier, are smoke cigarettes on, uh and, um, despite everything that's ever been told to me my whole life, I smoke him. Uh, despite the obvious warnings and deaths in my family when

20 years older than any of your peers,

you look

that yes, yes. And that's because of the cigarettes. It's a direct correlation. My

breath, My everything is exactly all the bad stuff. But I'm saying, like sometimes when I smoke a cigarette, I

can. It's really awesome when I can keep a really long crib. None broken. Crim.

There's a real art toe. Let everybody know you your favorite crib moments.

I love going to cream Wednesdays. That's my phone. Oh, that's my favorite holiday. I'm walking around all day long. People are looking at me crazy and I'm like, I read the Bible, Bitch, It's from Crim Wednesday, Uh, and of course, at my church it's a full cross that goes straight down your face. It kind of looks like a Braveheart situation, except it's with ashes. They

go nuts with the crap, but you're just

a like they like they like this feels like war paint, and I say a every day's a war on God's Earth tense. Yeah, I've gotten really religious, by the way. I think we've touched on exactly aggressively religious. Yeah, yeah, it's become a problem in the household if I'm being honest. Uh, but we don't need to get where he talked too much about

your too religious for your family

to release from my wife. My wife says, Go too far.

Now, this is a I don't think this is

a difference between men and women either. You know how men be to religious.

Have noticed that

it's very down something over there.

It's felt like a very unique problem to my household.

Really quickly before we move on home Run. What's your favorite crim moment? Well,

you know, I grew up in a Crim ville, North Carolina of a with mountains. I love the mountains. When I what, I think a cream I think of growing up in Crim Ville. Uh,

okay. All right. You two really just your wife. How? Yeah, so

is it The issue is mostly, um it's hard for to even get to her meals because of your grace is too long, right?

Yeah. Well, listen, I believe I I wholeheartedly believe that every time you say grace, you got to say everything you think before and like

I heard after

the men, Guinness screeched to a home.

That's true. Guinness, Guinness and I. And then I had to start over because I said, Dear God, I I thought I was done. But the Guinness guys just showed up and I think Guinness Grace, I'll say some grace for these, get his boys and

these guys. These

guys barged right in. And I was like, This is interesting that this is how you guys operate. Ah, I didn't know that that was the way to the operate. They screeched to a halt. They kick down your door that come in and they slap black on your wall and I'm like,

It's almost swat

like, Yes, it's crazy. I was like, Jesus Christ guys called first not

give us. His relationship with the N S A is a little too tight. The fact that they can hear everything we're doing so that they could screeched to a halt

that was part of the Patriot Act way gave up all rights Teoh

to get Guinness. And then we

gave up our

right some Guinness. Ever since

they started giving out records for everything, a lot of people were like, No, I don't want this one. I don't wanna be in the book well s so they're trying to hide from Guinness. So get us has to sort of creep up and get the element of surprise. It

does feel like

Guinness is the reason we were in the Middle East. You know what I mean? Like, there's a

way got in and the reason we got out there's a direct

correlation with Guinness wanting. Teoh, listen in on our records. And you know what happened in New York?

That's right. Well, you know how they found. You know how they found the big bad guy over there? Get it over. The Guinness went over there to give him a record for worst guy. We found him screeched to a halt, and that alerted seal Team six. So you're telling

me that Abad Abad heard the classic Guinness screech? He

was about to be awarded worst guy and then seal team

said Got wind of it over the p A. No. Yes. The

FBI, not blinking, announces not TB, not addressed. There

were obviously announcing the congratulating homecoming king and queen over the p A. When also, they are the Guinness.

So Osama's his the big bad guy. Well, are we saying his name? Are we back saying his name or we just calling him the big bad guy. I mean, because that respect him and say his name.

I won't say I won't give my

respects Bad guy, his ego so big that, of course, he's coming out immediately. Greeting Guinness Relishing no pun intended with relish Booth Relish

It is hard to get off your mind when you're this close. I mean, you know how onions

make your eyes Water relish makes a slobber. That's right. Well, here, like

for for technology

padlock. Anyway, the big bad guy, his his hubris got to him. And

when they tried a few other

things, you know, they tried publishers clearing house with him, but he wouldn't come to the door.

That's right. You didn't need the money. They need money.

But G could not resist Guinness. And that's what got to him. Finally and, uh

thank you, Guinness.

And for your service, like we always have.

It's kind of

like Guinness started the whole thing and they solved it. So, like, no theft skin is

Well, I've been, you know, Guinness found me in a little dirt hutch. I was hiding out, growing alarm viewed because I just was done getting some of their awards. Uh, it was right. I gotten so many and they were almost all hurtful.

Object ever hit? Longest

object ever hit?

Yeah, you threw a pitch and and someone hit it and it was the longest flight ever.

Yes, someone

right. First set speed of sound baseball,

baseball first baseball to enter orbit.

First, baseball to make contact with the aliens long his

cry on the mound.

Look longest cry on the man, which is unfair. I was saying It's unfair.

I wouldn't have been

so long if we didn't go into extra innings.

Most most foam sliding into home most most manager pitcher on the mound Conversations post

and a sort of the hand in hand that go with that one was the most times refused to be subbed out.

Most refused to subbed out along a first and longest hands and knees begging manager to not be taken

out. Most most manager most pitcher manager Toothpick Confusion. Yeah,

yeah, well, we all remember that being the manager, both ran back to the dugout with the same toothpick in our

mouth. A ziff. It was a Chinese finger trap.

Okay, Most It's not my arm. It's the rosin bags.

It's right. For a year and 1/2 I was throwing the worst screwballs because the rosin bags were all messed up.

They must know that. No, I actually would argue is the best screwball because it would turn around and boomerang. And it just between the eyes.

Yeah. For one whole year and 1/2 my screwball would go all the way around the catcher on the umpire and come back to hit me dead Between the eyes, I couldn't get

away from it. And my hands were very dusty. I said, cause the rosin bag. Other people say, because of dry skin.

Well, Doctor, you were creating your own

rosin bags in real time.

Yeah, they used me for rosin for a couple of years. Uh, I toured with the strokes and they use my hand dust for cocaine.

At what? They always a placebo.

They were trying to get off.

They were trying to get off their, you know?

Yeah. Oh, my God. You guys, I can't I can't tell you how how excited I am, but I brought my autograph book. I'm hoping that some of these kids to fill

it up. Oh, you gotta get Sanderson. Oh, yes, Well, in Northern California's the shortstop.

That's right. Most stolen bases in an inning with 20

six. That's saying that was the longest. Such a long inning.

It was a really longer than they really trouncing that team. And

it was never, never a pinch, never pinch running. Either he went up to bat 26th toe or what? 26 53 you got. That

was a high scoring game loud. And

it was his course. He ruled. This is

the Yeah. The score at the end was like 120 to 94 right?

Yes. Yeah, it was that

Both these did well, really. And I can

hear the really well

that not a lot of events played. I

remember seeing the scoring run. What is this? Ah, high score in football

game? Yeah. Yeah. You tried to say

that a lot. I remember you were trying to get on.

What is this? Ah, basketball game. Why wouldn't you say that?

I don't know. I guess that makes sense to

it's almost exactly a high scoring basketball. That's why I know the guy who said it was like a high scoring basketball game. Got on the news and you picketed his funeral.

Yeah, well, rot in hell, right? Help for getting the news instead of me. And I pick it at his funeral and I have a

sick man. Got a moment in the

sun towards the end of his life saying it was like a high scoring

his make a wish to come to the Little League World Series

What? They said. And for a while, they couldn't get him in.

They said it. Could you dream a little smaller? And he said, No, This is what

about what about the little think. What about the literally He, uh, semifinals.

Know what? The World Series. So they finally got a man. He's passionately after and I had called the funeral. Obviously you saw I made it into the open casket for a little bit of a prank. There, I caught the cut, the flowers of the end. So I'm next.

Yeah, that was a

strange, uh, you know, But people do what they want to do in their religion. That was kind of a strange moment when they threw the flowers.

I don't know what they threw the

flowers, or if you fell on a bouquet, It kind of see salted up into the air and you call them and you screamed.

You were treating

the ceremony more like a wedding than most of the other people.

Yeah. Luckily, I couldn't get the casket near for the hora.

I will say it was It was It was crazy. How long you spoke when you asked if they had an anyone had any objections?

Yeah. Everybody raised their hands a big And you were

very drunk at the end.

Yeah, Yeah, I ended up getting drunk and talking Teoh his dad and being like, isn't it crazy that I was in high school and you

were an adult and I were drunk together? You

sang sweet. Caroline tried. You can't complaining. Where's where's the fish option?

Yeah, Where's the fish option? Where you dig

Yelp review a big help review of the catering at the funeral?

Yeah. Yeah, my oap account is all funeral, caring reviews.

Well, yeah, because it is an important

service, you know, it's not something that people do a lot

CEO on it. You know, I I go somber with the review, and I write it very poetically. A Ziff. It's a funeral, but sure, E cliff. How did the kid's parents react when you try to get their kids autographs? Because I know it's, Ah, it's usually the other way around that a kid is trying to get, you know, Johannes intent to the compose autograph for another, uh, basketball player.

to be honest. I see their worry at first, and it makes sense. I'm pretty excited, you know? I go down there pretty hard and I just say, Hey, we've all been kids before and I get in there and I elbow the other kids. I don't care. I try to get the autograph, you make some room. And then the parents realized that you know what? This is genuine, very just felt the icy stairs Adult man needs these autographs and gradually step out of the way. I

I got

fact that your autograph book has Mickey Mouse and Donald and

think the

got your backpack hiked up in your holding the straps?

Well, I usually come right from the airport, So I have everything with me. Yeah. Yeah.

You're a weird Disney adult for sure. I don't know if I weird, but I am a distant way to add a little redundant. You and your Disney

adult Disney adult. I have the past. I have the, um

a lot of Space mountain right on a turn. Yeah. I feel out

of Space Mountain and I'll tell you what that is A That is a fast pass to a lifetime pass

at Disneyland. All you gotta do if you want. If you

want Disney Duo, you is fall out of Space Mountain. And

you It's not an easy fall down. You always You ended up back ride,

right? You hang on the tracks a little bit,

but I won't say premeditated. I came in with a tool. I put it right in between the seatbelt, so it didn't fully latch because they know about this. They know about the scheme that everybody runs where you a lot of Space Mountain to get a free lifetime pass.

Did you ever, cause I know I saw you. If you on a few other rides, did you ever end up catching Captain Jack Sparrow? And now you were kind of chasing him in circles for a while?

No, we are still in our little cat and mouse game. Uh, he he doesn't want to get caught. For some reason, he keeps tricking me. And I was really embarrassed because I found out it wasn't the rial Jack Sparrow. It was. It was a hologram. I keep jumping through the waterfall thinking I'm going to catch him and I end up just getting wet and crumpled up on the tracks, right? Crumpled.

We have a boat, comes and runs over me. I get stuck in

between the under water underneath the boat in between the tracks. Somehow, somehow your heart was taken out of your chest. Kali, Ma style.

Right. Technically, uh, in the video. Technically, I'm Indiana Jones, right? Absolutely. You know,

you're in there and they shoot all the spears with just air, right? Well, I got a real one and had it right through my heart. Pulled it right out. I also right before the end a trapdoor opened. I looked at the arc of the covenant's why I look like this. Okay, So

it wasn't that man who pulls out

the hearts and goes Kali Ma, it was you got shot with a spike and you screamed Kali Ma, I think I got the buffet. I don't know, I I went through Indiana Jones, and I think I got a little bit

while you were flattened by the big rock, that's for sure. Right after my mom. Absolutely. Absolutely. He's. But he's in the

blast. These designers, it is an A one last, especially when it's free. You have to open your wallet. Yeah.

Yeah, you get you get all those passes. You you eat a lot barrel. Say that you go through all the food. Yeah. You tour the world,

you get a cameo. In all of the new Pixar films, you get to say, voices and stuff. Yes, I get to do voices. They said, Absolutely no image work cannot do image work.

And absolutely there's a big box around it. And it's double highlighted, right?

Yes. Yes. They want me to see that there's no work wiggle room on this and make

you holds you is his baton during the parade, right?

Yeah. I'll tell you what. That hurts. It hurts. And it is the story in thing because sometimes he throws it up in the air and he doesn't catch it. Got felt hands, right. So, yeah, I have hit my whole head on the ground before.

I think they got a higher Better Mickey, who can actually do all the stunts that they require of them.

Agreed. There you go. Thank you. It's the union's fault.

A I big up the unions. I I love a union. So I think I'm gonna complain about that fucking Mickey Unions of budget bullshit. Hey, come on. These guys got it, but have a union. Guys don't come out again to make his union

this recuse Fucking MCI's unions. It's just horseshit. Wasn't crying

because I don't have a problem against the Mickey's. I got

a problem with Goofy who's taken money from Mickey from Daffy from Daisy. And then what's what's goofy doing just sitting around in his castle? Goofy works harder than Mickey. Yeah,

he works a lot harder than Mickey.

What's why is the union boss? I guess it the goofy

they'll they all work hard. Guys don't waste not. This

wouldn't. Why we pull

in a

portion over here. Well, we

all know the Mickey's Union buried Jimmy Hoffa on home plate, which is do the name I was trying to think of 35 minutes ago.

Oh, so

that sandwich got another layer is cough, but

it'll off butter being

I have been held ice cream but a food go for and Hoffman,

Dustin Hoffer, Dustin Ofra and Jimmy Hoffman as

we get ready to watch the game. Is there something that you're hoping you know your teams when you can come home can improve upon or your sons can improve upon? Um, I know it's a harder question for Doug to answer, since he traded his kids to a Puerto Rican Little League team for, ah, for a couple of young prospects.

Yeah, I mean, I would love to learn the language of everyone on my team because I yes, is it. Touch is gifts, Izzy Our information. Yeah, like, because that you know your team, I have, of course, traded every kid's son. Two different countries. Ah, and I have a a worldwide team who is very, very good. You don't know any of them's love languages because I got one the other speaking language.

You're speaking my language.

You're speaking language.

But if you know the love language you don't need

Yes, it's It's nonverbal. The love language

I was giving him Legos. Turns out what are the kids love languages was where's of information?

Oh, yeah. You and I can't speak the language, so I can't say like a job. You really pulling your weight,

right? You helped one of the kids. Ah, with the project he was working on things like these acts of service aren't that important to

may. Yeah. I just want words of affirmation

words. It seems like

the words of affirmation, which I cannot deliver.

It seems like that's what we're realizing here to out of the 12 already have words of affirmation

just because it's the one that you refuse to

dio. Yeah, it's tough. You get I hear

doing him learning all of their, um, numbers. Are there any grams any a grams? Yes, I learned all of their any a grams. They're all eighths this God theory. Ego driven psychos. So I know that about them.

That's a that's a start. That's start that. I

did that angiogram and I got a 57.

Oh, that means you're legally dead.

Like Tero card reader.

Most tester accurate, So you might want to take it. Take it again,

didn't you? When you got a

TERO card, it was like the queen. Um, the rising sun and then a lung X ray. That was heaven. Cloudy.

Montero, My It looks like my lungs are in the house of

death. Look. Damn home run. That's right. We make arrangements for you to do it. Your own funeral. I

do need to make arrangements.

You need to make some damn arrangements. What are the arrangements?

Have you guys

made arrangements? I

I gotta will.

Oh, yeah. Did you do I want arrangement? Dig a hole. No casket under a tree. Okay. Yeah, but I didn't make an arrangement. I didn't make arrangements, but I made an arrangement with the funeral home way. Haven't arranged where I fuck them for. We have an arrangement. Okay. I made

a relational relational arrangement. Yes, well, I thought I had my affairs in order, and I made all my arrangements. But it turned out I had just made some edible arrangements.

And you think that you Absolutely. And you were ordered to have an affair? Yes.

So I made an edible arrangement. Um, What about you? What about you? How,

uh, what What am I trying to learn this season? Uh,

you know your arrangements.

Oi, Oi! Thought way. We're getting back to the first

top way. What?

You gotta learn to talk about death. I feel like someone. The reasons you're so

religious. Yeah, well, my arrangements range mints I made with my wife is for me to handle it when she died. Because, as she knows, I am immortal. So I got her for that. What? I figured out forever, I seven. No, no, no, no. That's in the Bible, bitch. Green Viable bitch. Listen, works. Yeah, I, of course, will have everlasting life because I've accepted the Lord Jesus Christ into my heart As my lord and savior, I will be sort of driven by the engine of the Holy Spirit to the day of the universe. Six for

the Holy Spirit will drive your

in. Yeah, Yeah. Ah, and you know, I talked to my wife. I talked to both my kids When they die, I get their stereos. Uh,

there's a lot of miles on that engine.

How? Yeah, I know. It's reliable. You need to make arrangements. It's viable. It's the most reliable engine in the universe. Okay, You

did. Your kids will. And you get their stereo.

Yeah, they're drink. This is the blood of Christ,

huh? I don't lose. I mainline that shit, okay? I don't need to drink the blood of Christ. I get a transfusion every week.

Oh, What? That's because your kidneys, it toast.

Ah ha ha. That's what you think. That's because my my kidneys have already been given over to the celestial. Okay, I don't want to get into it. I

e. A problem. The thing here already dead have been given over to the celestial. They've been given to the Centennial Hospital for studies.

Potato, potato, Doug potato, Celestial centennial. Yeah, to say the same thing. No, the same thing, the same thing.

You're currently kidney less how you can't eat anything

outside of what you're comfortable with or I'm taking process it.

I'm kidney list, but I'm part bionic. I carry this machine around with me. That's connected. It does all the work for me, You guys dialysis?

Well, I'm trying to bring home from

the world. Siri's to my team.

Wait. You We need to talk about your arrangements to you can't just circle back to the original topic. We haven't gotten your

Oh, yeah. Bear me under a tree. No casket

way into the tree.

Well, hey, I we actually need

some compost for the for the apple trees. So if you would we could bury your ass out there for the Lord.

Chop me up, Please let the pigs eat me. I don't care. I'm dead. Let the big fat pig eat me. I don't care. You know what I'm trying to bring back to my team is listening from the boys. I just can't figure out why my team won't listen. And all these kids listen so good. I'm trying to figure out what the coach is saying to get them to listen. You know, usually I start to practice by just going. Hey, what's going on?

What are you guys

doing? I just sort of criticized the players for not already playing good, right? I don't have a lot of direction, you know.

I hope you do get those kids to listen to you? Because I know you know, you you had to take over his third base coach, and you couldn't even get a kid to slide around third. They would not do whatever you were saying.

Not at all.

I don't know why. I

Was it teams dugout?

Yeah, I guess so. I'm coaching third, but I'm looking straight into the first base dugout from the first base side. Yeah, well, folks, I think it's time for my next hot dog. And for me, Teoh, do this

anymore. Yeah, it looks like they're warming up out here on the field, so we need to get out there and check out the prospects. And, you know, find out what these coaches air doing. It's sending the bats,

see if they let us on the field today.

Yeah, we're gonna rush the field immediately. Right now.

All right. What? We're gonna head out rush the field. Thanks for listening. We'll catch you at the next game. And I already

take your clothes off. Everybody take. It

goes on. Thank you. Get naked Walking down the Oh,

but not the rain tarp. The

fourth Bowleys. Oh, Rune.

Oh, Here come the pigs to arrest us. You had your nice lunch

again. Are you serious Again?

Come on, Riel. Must

help us. Pretty weird. Touch me when I'm nude. Pretty. We'd Did you touch me when I make it With big touched, we're getting touched with renewed How?