The Teachers discuss the upcoming school play, sabotaging the rival basketball team, and bury the hatchet with a few former foes.
Go ahead. Just can we just do it quick this time? Todd gear to levels? Yeah. Todd. Give me your levels. That's my level. I'm gonna be right here though. You've never talked that quiet in your whole life. Can you just just
i am very Todd put
himself out there last week with levels, and I feel like the levels didn't respond. So he's being a little quieter this week. A little quieter this week. Okay.
if your mic's
Well,
blown out when you start talking picked
i don't care if people hear me, I don't care. Yes.
You do, Todd. You're saying
that right now. Stop being depressed on the Yes. Stop
being pressed on the air. Depressed my check. Yeah.
i'm fine.
Well,
Not that anybody asked.
You guys. You're home, sweetheart. Check
12I
literally just saw you guys laughing your little butts off at at videos on the Internet before
we started recording. Because my butt's huge, very funny.
No. It's it's nothing about
because I can't actually make the noise of laughter.
No. That's not what I mean. You guys were watching me to be
my ambulance for my personality. It's on life support.
Okay. Take me away. Well, guys, if the levels sound like crap on this episode, it's not on me.
Can I be honest? It's that I keep I know I keep disappointing you, Howard, and it feels like there's nothing I can do to not.
You guys don't care how I feel?
Listen how mean we do. No. You don't. If
there's anybody in this room right now who is depressed, it is me. And you see me over
here? Oh, we having a depression of? Yeah.
Oh, really? Oh, okay. I
haven't eaten a non microwavable food in a month. I have lexipro contacts. That's how depressed I
am. They're in. You're welcome. Thank you very much. Absolutely. I put Lexipro in my eyes, and I can't see I have opaque vision, but it's working.
I have to take a viagra every morning Howard. Does that make you feel good? You're
viagra inhalers.
Yeah. I I have a Viagra inhaler, and I puff it hard -- Yes. -- every morning.
What
does it do? That's the only thing that I buffered? It it if your lungs aren't performing, It it you you take it about 2 hours before you have to run. Well, I don't know if you've seen me in the morning,
but I'm all slouched over.
Well, because we all have Thomas, we all trouble sleeping in the morning. It's not it's not a unique thing to you or any of us.
But I can't walk straight stood up. Stiff if I don't have my viagra inhaler in the morning.
You gotta be I mean, like, unfortunately, you were stiff for 8 to 16 hours the other day. Yes.
We had
a little adverse affection.
Yeah. So I took too many took too many. I had a really late night, so I was really tired. So I sloped slumped over all day.
So
i took too much and I had a rock hard boner for 80 16.
You so
A long boner.
you do your levels. I I feel like we've kind of come like we
i'm strict cheer me up a little bit. Thank you. Alright. Well, here's my little 1. Let's go. I'm doing okay.
You know? Oh my god. Where is that ambulance? I'm sick. I'm sick. I'm sick.
You know what? How are you,
howard? Are you okay? I heard a little hitch in your
voice, sir. Of course. I'm fine. Of course. Of course. I mean, I think we're all a little stressed, which is turning into
depression, because because it
a
is It is imminent. Yeah. It is It's tough. It is -- Yep. -- alumni Eve. Yeah. Yeah. And Santa is coming down the chimney, and he's delivering a lot of alumni in in hotels. Well, Nightstands is totally booked. Nightstands is booked. The
yeah. I mean, the hotel is booked. Hotel down the street
nightstands is absolutely slam back. Are
we just getting straight into it? We're not gonna we're not gonna do Oh, yeah. I gotta get my energy together some people on
the air think that I'm a good mood. How about this? Let the theme song inject you guys with what you with with a good feeling. Alright? Here it goes. Kick it.
Peeam.
Peeam. Pee teachers. K. You know, I don't care. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another episode of the teacher's lounge. The first best and only podcast tip is. You should relive
it. To the
hamilton High School Community. I, of course, am Howard, levis, levis, levis, levis. Howard, levis. My
god. Howard's just holding up a mirror -- Yeah. -- and screaming
into it. Yeah. Because that's who I am. I am sick and tired of people saying I'm someone different. I'm Howard Levis. The
well, you
doubled down this week, and it didn't go exactly how you thought it would. No.
It didn't. We can get into y'all go ahead and introduce
yourselves. You were trying to fix this situation.
Yeah.
We'll come back to me. Okay. Yeah. Y'all go ahead and introduce yourselves.
Well, I'm in a great mood. I'm a happy guy, Todd Padre, at toilet paper f on all social media. This
is your second account because your first 1 got banned?
Yes. Well, no. It Well, he's getting rid of the feminist. I'm not getting rid of the feminist. It's a little But you are adding more toilet paper. It's more of a toilet well, yes. I as you all know, I moved into the Charmin TikTok House Right. So we're doing a lot. It's me and a bunch
of people. You 2
ply. It's me 2 plus Double roll, 2 playscore. Those bears are there. Right?
The bears are there. Yeah. They are Not as
nice as they are in the commercial.
Their root will keep sleeping all of their beds, so that's a little bit on me. I I eat their porridge every morning. I get up a little earlier and I try all their porridge. And is this true? I heard everybody in the
house sort of wakes up and shares their dingleberries. Is that part of the point between them? And you all get up and you say, look at my dingleberries.
We all share our dingle bears, and then we shamed the little baby bear for having dingle bears. Yeah.
He doesn't know any bear.
He doesn't. He's a cute little kid. Oh.
But,
yeah, it's all the hip young influencers. Me, the Charmin Beirs, to play the corps. Yeah. But, yeah, I'm I'm
shit Steane. She's staying as there. Right? Good
steam is. So a standoffish. Yes.
Shit State is very standoffish.
Well, that's what I'm up to and
i'm in a statement. Bill Cravey soon to embark on coaching the alumni. We did have a big tragedy this week. We lost Francine from the team.
Yeah. Not from the earth.
In a huge surprising news.
Yeah. Huge. Should we? She was blown away by a small gust on the on the concrete court out back. But we have had and I'll tease this now. We can talk about it later. We have had a couple new students
-- Mhmm. --
at Hamilton this week a couple new fleas -- Yes. -- our students. There is Well, I mean, he's back. He's back.
Let's just say there's a
there's a
new Jewish student.
With a lot of singles in his pockets.
And he's fast.
He's fast. Or because he's in cheetahs all the
time. In Bikinis. He's in Bikinis. Yes. Yes. Yes. She
does.
Not Cheetas. Not
cheetas. I don't even know the place.
Yeah. We don't know that place. Yeah. So I'm not that worried that Francine is still currently in the air being blown around. Occasionally, you'll see her. She'll come back by. Well,
well, the the thank god, we have that doppler radar because we've been able to keep an eye on her. Well,
the good thing about the the doppler radar now picks up Francine and can tell, like, how high Francine is up in the air. So can it's actually good barometric. We've seen the movie twisters where they let -- Of course. -- where they let go -- A little ball. -- she's technically a a little ball
flying around. I'm
really surprised she hasn't descended it yet. I thought for sure as soon as that guest picked her up, she would just kind of wither
away with because she had a calcium fall last week, and we thought she was gonna fall into dust, but she's up there. She's -- Good for -- telling us which way the wind blows, the barometric pressure, how much moisture is in the atmosphere? I was a little surprised she survived through floating through the skeet shooting range.
But she made it. I don't know if it was bad shooters on the day or she's just got
well, I know you were there.
But, yeah, you were the only person out there on the skeet range
that day. And you were trying to hit her.
Well, I can't these damn little pigeon disks. Right. There's a whole thing with me and the guy who does the thing where I am a little aggressive with my
balls. Yes. And you throw your own live pigeons. I they're not even clay pigeon. Well,
i throw live pigeons and then they shoot me because they're quicker to the The
quicker to the guns.
unfortunate. Right. There was a duel in in the town square -- Yeah. -- where a pigeon blew your foot off. A fidget with my
That's
foot off and then a tumble weed shot me in the back.
And then somehow you got knocked out by a sliding glass of milk. Down the bar?
Well, that was me trying to get 1 and I tried to catch it and then it dragged me into New Mexico. And
this was an old town. And I this was an old town. Yeah.
What? Yeah. I love old town by the way.
Mexico. I forgot about that.
Well, I'm back.
Folks, the number 4 here sexy, Sammymen is back, and unfortunately, I've had to drop almost all of my things, and I'm now the sole caretaker of Ocretas. Right. You didn't pay your dues.
You didn't pay your pharmaceutical frat dues. No.
I didn't pay my dues and also as he grows and gets stronger, it is just becoming a much bigger responsibility. It's a full time
job. Yeah.
Right. Oh, Krievous, people are not paying attention to the hushed quick sentences at the end of the Ocrevis' ads, and they're they're whipping him up into a frenzy.
Yes. We've had to add a few sentences. Yes.
Do not veto crevasse or scraps from your garbage. Like, that has been a big 1 that people have been saved.
If if Ocri's if Ocrievus leaves more than 25 years, kill him.
Yes. Do not wave to the previous if he does not wave to you first.
Right. Yes. If you get
into an Uber pool and Ocrevis is in there, get
out. Yes. Yes. Do not
let Ocrevis drive Uber.
Yeah. So I'm I'm currently thinking Which has been hard for you. Right? Even go grievance on Uber travel.
It's been really tough because well, a, oh, previous has a phone and I don't.
Right. It's really
tough. So he's kind of in charge of getting us around.
He loves a little bit of passive in
it. Well, he will not give my keys back to me because he
knows how unsafe it is. Do not rent or cruise his Airbnb.
Oh, truly do not. Especially not, if it's on a full moon or Friday the thirteenth or you'll be really screwed.
Yeah. Currently,
my main job at the school is to hang on to Ocrevus' leash and also make sure that his blinders are pointed in.
Right. Right. Which child has even
been doing it that because that's an important 1 the blind is being in.
It's important. He he's getting really tall. So
it's kind of hard for me to have to jump up and slap him in
because he knows what's going on. He's a human Crievous
will grow approximately 1 foot per day.
That's right. So
crievous is getting really big. I I'm I'm really
but people
are still doing well
in licking that licking
no crevasse's jawbreaker.
It is a beautiful pharmaceutical.
It is a beautiful pharmaceutical that I fully stand behind. It was now my only job to manage its caretaker. Yes. Pretty
soon, you will have to get up on the ladder to lick a creams his egg.
Is getting really tall.
That's right. We've shot 50 commercials all upfront so that we
can just add in things at the end. Yeah. Yeah.
And I auditioned for that voice over. But everyone said I was talking too slow, which was very annoying. I've
trying to get into pharmaceutical voice over for a while because it's big.
been
It is big money. We we just had to go with someone who had that recognizable pharmaceutical quick talk. It
was someone from the auctioneer school. Right?
It was. Yes. Just a student. You can hire students for free. Yeah.
That that is something I learned is that you got to hire a student almost anything -- Yeah. -- dental work, open heart surgery, you know, car stuff. Oh
my god. You can take advantage of any student. Mhmm.
They need the experience.
And say you're offering them contacts.
Valible experience, expensive.
Howard Levis is here.
I I am here. I I folks, I wanna go ahead and say this right now. A compressor. I have
tell us about your double down this week.
Well, he's well, I've obviously, I tried to convince everybody that I am, who I say I am. So I did sort of organize a I The gold rush. A gold rush. A Levi style gold rush? I yeah. Or maybe not. No. No. No. That is exactly what happened. IIA Levi style gold rush which I know what that is. And so what I did was I had everybody. I put my birth certificate -- Mhmm. -- I in my home, And I told everybody, have at it. Whoever can find my birth certificate, I'll give you a piece of the fortune. People were paying for birth certificate. For a birth certificate in my home home. But in the middle of all this, as everybody is probably aware now, Some sort of external force well, we know what the external force was, took control of the town's broadcast system and aired an ad. And, of course, we all know I'm talking about the Jinko's project. Which was a a horizons.
Wear, Guy Fox, Jinko's mask.
Yes. And these guys apparently have formed they're all members of various different genes families. They've come together. To what seems seems to me, with the sole purpose of taking down Howard Levis -- Correct. -- they're they're putting out horrible ads on TV that are really well edited, well produced,
they're getting re shared by my least favorite people. Yeah. When the Jinko's project stuff is getting re shared, it's like, oh, this person is annoying.
Yeah. And But And so that's been that's the thing I've been dealing with. I've been trying to send cease and desist. I've been going to local brought local TV stations and -- Yeah. -- trying to get information to see who's been paying these people off. It does seem like there's a lot of money and interest
behind these Jinko ads though. I saw Hulk Hogan retweet 1 the other day.
Yeah. You know, that doesn't
just happen.
It was really awesome. What's he care about me? Our
local newscaster, Denine, did interviewed the whole Jinko's project inside of the leg of 1 of their jeans. Uh-huh. And it was really dark Yeah. But they they wanted to keep their
identity
secret. Yeah. But they were really letting you have it in the leg of that pants. And I
i'll tell you right now if really bums me out that Dine didn't didn't seek me out for comment. Yeah. Because everybody knows I'm available.
Dine Margolis is is a is a tough journal.
Different look for Denino. All of all of a
sudden, me and that remorse as well. Well, lasses,
black trench coat,
really straight hair. And Denise was like, very, very southern, if you will. Like -- Mhmm. -- pastels, a hair, a
bangs. Yeah. Bangs
like super tight curl.
I was carrying a very chunky key chain the most keys.
The most doodads
that, like, her daughters had made
and it's, like, you don't need that during the interview,
didn't you? That's how to stay on your wrist, you're not a librarian at school.
Right. No.
But now she looks like she loves, like, What's the The
matrix and v for vendetta.
Yeah. They went through vendetta. Yeah. She looks like she's obsessed with boondock saints. And we know she is.
And I because
she's reported on it 3 nights in a row. It's not Looks like your editor is a little just well. And, you
know, I heard her editor was actually a brew doctor.
Really? Yeah. Because he can't get another job
after he went so crazy.
And I'll say, I'll tell you right now. It doesn't feel like she's been able to sort of remain objective. Who, Dine? Yeah. Dineen has not been able
to Dineen, Markolis is has a vendetta against you. Much like your beretta vendetta where you went and you held up the cast of mad TV because Stewart was based on you. Right. And listen.
And and and and I'll I'll tell you -- As well. -- I wouldn't really be upset about this if it was just me that was being affected. But But over the last week, with all the attention that's been drawn to me in my saga, I've actually had to cut ties with Chris crown. Greg Crown, the local Oh, no. What? I had to cut ties with him because he Your
best friend, sweetheart, you remapped 4 weeks ago. He
doesn't wanna be associated with me. Wow. He's saying
i'm a call right now. Serial killer, the crown of
thorns word. Yes. So
he doesn't wanna be associated with you, so you had to cut ties with him.
Well, he he
was your first.
Outside of me. I I it was mutual. It was a mutual a mutual decision. He said he wants to took part ways, and I said, let's
do it a lie. And then He told you that he told so he
try to
told you at a cement picnic table in the back of the prison that
wanted to cut ties with you? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And and so I said to the I said to the officer who's overseeing. I said, can you please take these handcuffs off me and let me out of here? He said, you were handcuffed. Yeah. Every time I go to the
he
oh, you keep
putting handcuffs to visit? Yeah. No. I
see. That makes sense. I don't know why. They don't know what you're gonna You said no need for visitors anymore. I'd rather
they switch his
cuffs to you?
That's interesting. They let him go.
Yeah.
Public opinion review is is the tide
is turning out. I was gonna say I was gonna say, I don't appreciate somebody. It has to be funded by these Jengo project guys. Somebody put out an ad that set that that was it was a picture of me and Craig Crown, Chris Crown, a sort of full page ad, split down the middle where I'm in the prison jumpsuit, and he's wearing the teacher outfit. And
then there's that at Photoshop? So Is that a
social? No. We both He posts. We post Dine got him to post for this. I because her name is very She's hard to Yeah. It was gonna be convincing where they post they they they they release this article, punches. I thought they were gonna put out an article where they're trying to show how to empathize with these criminals, how they're just like you and me. No, Brian. And Jenny, 1 of us could be a criminal, and we could end up in prison. I thought it was gonna be 1 of those kind of puff pieces where they're sort of just just making making us all realize that we're all the same even if we're a criminal lunches.
So she didn't
do the puppies. And I read
your pup piece over a pastry the other morning.
Yeah. Really?
And I well, it wasn't a pup piece. It was a
smear.
A a spear. I was looking at these the other day, thinking about getting a small dog, and I saw your puppies, and they didn't put punches.
But they didn't
Yeah.
take the piss out of you.
Yeah. They didn't
take the british.
I'm and I I honestly,
i
i'm still I'm my plan
i do not understand what's going on with you. I don't understand what's happening, how this resolves itself I am trying to figure out, why don't you just come out and say, what's true? I've said it I've said it a thousand times. You are nobody panned and found your birth certificate.
Well, that's -- That's right. --
i they didn't dig deep enough. They found gold, they found a lot of gold in your place. Yeah. You've been stashing gold everywhere. Yeah. You should have thought this playing through because a lot of prospectors are wealthy
because
yeah. They stole so much of your bricks of gold.
Well, I did I thought they were gonna have a little bit more narrow focus. But as soon as they started finding gold, they started screaming. There's gold in in in Howard's In yes. In Howard's pants. And and people started coming from all over the place. From the East Coast.
Well So you are going to add alumni night in halftime. You are gonna do the ultimate proof is what you're calling?
I am. I'm gonna I'm going to show your You are a Lexus. Yes. That I am a Levus. What is this? Can you tell us? Yeah. How you what's gonna happen. You will. I will tell you what's gonna happen. At the halftime show, I've got -- Ultimate proof. -- I've got 2 guests who are confirmed to be at the show. Oh, my god. And let's just say those 2 guests combined made me a Elvis. Oh, sounds like
mommy and daddy. And are they I saw a black sprinter van pull up at nightstands. And 2 mysterious individuals get out.
Mhmm.
Is this the guess? It
very well could be, Bill. I don't know. There's a lot of black sprinter vans pulling up at nightstands the last few
days. But I
with the little AC on top, they're there. I feel like
night stands. Am I wrong? It has a little bit of a shady vibe. I can't tell who's going in there. The key's way above board. Vikini's. 1 star, absolutely delicious -- Perfect. -- nightstands, something creepy going on in
there. Right. Something's up with nightstands. Yes. Also, it was erected very quickly. Right. It just came into town. It replaced bed sheets Well, bed sheets went out of business -- Yes. -- and night stands was boom was there. Yeah. It's
always crazy when a business changes overnight like that. When when the sign changes and you're like, That's a brand new business now.
Yeah. You missed a little time there. I think bed sheets became bed bugs for a minute, and then it went down. They
didn't really publicize that. I think bed sheets tried to go under the radar when they turned into bed bugs.
They never
tried yeah. I felt like they were doing an opposite thing that didn't work, and then they just brushed it Well
it was the bed bugs running it. Right? They had they had expanded everywhere. They took over New York.
well,
They ate most of the sheets.
They ate most of the sheets, and they're like, it's finally time first open our own hotel. And it's like, no. You guys don't know why people lie that
they don't like you. They don't like
you. That wouldn't be a good slogan first hotel run by the bedbugs.
And, of course, they went out, like, we've been
everywhere. We do sheets. That's what we do.
We do sheets. We've been in more hotels than anybody, we know how to run them. Yes. But they are they did buy the cheerio in, and they are running the cheerio in, the bed bugs. The cheerio in. Different because you can't call at bed bugs, but they're actually really good at running a hotel. They know their way
Right.
around the apartment. What they're calling so they're calling themselves sleep insects now.
Sleep insects.
So, yes, let's sleep in. Everybody plays. It's sleep insects. I I've gotten very close with them because I met a lot of them when I was shooting. My women can also fill up the ice bucket to talk. What
do you mean fill up the ice bucket?
Well, open your minds. Women can also take the ice bucket and fill it up with ice and bring it back into the room. It's not just for men, open your mind.
Okay. So when you're having a party and the ice bucket goes empty, women can also fill it up as These
are the questions I'm getting in my comments when I release these. Well,
you also put out that women can also put up and down the seat. Yes. Women can put up and down the seat. To
join. Which I've been saying for a long time, I think a lot of people remember it from my divorce deposition. Right. Because you try to say my vows also. When
your wife when your ex wife brought up that the seat was always up, you tried to say that she would be and then put the seat up afterwards.
Yeah. Right. I thought she was trying to humiliate me. I was falling in the toilet
all the time. You lived in a toilet bowl for almost 6 months because you fell in. I
lived in a toilet bowl. I became the most flexible man alive. Was
just looking pretty good at it. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Tell us about T02. What's going on with T02 this week?
Yeah. You seem not to judge you hard, but you seem a little more tired. And you have been lately did you not do all of your T02 today?
Well, I'll tell you, you can do too much T02. Why are we not getting the T02?
Maybe that's why we were depressed. Well, let's just say the gold rush made off with a little more than just the gold. They
took your -- Somebody. -- took
your patented PO too. They took my Tell me you patented it. I will. Patent pending. Oh,
no. They they took my prototype. They took my prototype. Oh, your patent
got pushed because of your recent So
you're telling me anybody can breathe out of their toilet now?
Well, yeah. Wow. We we set the whole schematic on the air last episode. Yeah. So and now anyone can go home and please don't do this -- Please. -- buy an official T02 patent pending for Howard Lease Levous. Wow. And, don't make your own thing where you put oxygen to your nose. Into the ball and also
and I know this is catching up as a hashtag. Yes. Do not send a picture with the o 2 in your nose and hashtag T02 for life.
Yes. Right. Please, don't post I'm being on TikTok. Don't post videos of you showing your own hack of how to make your T02.
Yeah. Because these are dangerous, folks. Your your homemade T02 --
yes. -- are
causing all kinds of problems.
32 kids have had their heads blown off by getting too much oxygen. They're blowing all the way.
Trying to fry your own turkey at
home. Do
not do this.
It's exactly
like there's so many videos of a firefighter showing up, and somebody -- Right. -- they have the stuffing on the table, they have the yams, and they're dead from
c02 and then I'll tell you this, Todd. I don't appreciate how many videos you've stitched on your TikTok of plumbers
debunking my my invention. I gotta stitch what's out there. I gotta stitch what's big and I gotta stitch
what's Oh, yeah. You've been doing a lot of debunking. When
a plus debunks, I go, well, you know what those plumbers can't debunk the soft comfortable wipe of a charmin on your ass Todd,
you have really gone viral with some of these toilet paper. That's correct. Thanks. And and I think that's incredible. I thought when you were getting into this TikTok you were really gonna broaden out because your artistic mind is so diverse. Thank
you. Yes.
know what I mean? Divurses exactly of
Yeah.
You
idea. It's diversity of ideas. It's why I never cast diverse because I can do it myself with my own
mind. Right.
And I I find that, well, with here's the awesome thing with TikTok. Anything now can make money. All you have to do is get successful enough that someone thinks you're a commodity. Right. So, you know,
t02 for example. T02I
would love to spot. Maybe my my This
is actually perfect together. T02 in your toilet paper, And you have the f still on it.
Are you doing I should do some f stuff.
Yeah. You like button the video with a quick
yeah. So it'll be like, oh, wow. You know what I mean? Debunk was the soft wipe of Charmin. Let me go into that for 3 minutes. Here's how they make the toilet paper. Right. Here's what the wipe feels like. Yes. Here's how it flushes and where it goes. Women should be allowed to use bathrooms. Well,
but that is true. A lot of people don't think women are supposed
to be
able to use bathrooms. And we are here to affirm. Absolutely. They've been
oh, yeah. We are fine with women. We wanna say, right now, we are okay with women using the bathroom. Yes. Willing to go out on limb
That's the thing is what I'm learning is I feel the most myself saying brave things like that. When I go online and I say something brave about
for that.
who's not me, I'm like,
somebody
whoa. Makes you feel
so good. This is huge. Yeah. You know, I'm opening the door. You know a lot of people didn't know that women can climb trees and fall out too. But they can't. It's just happy So
yeah. I guess I never thought of that. Well, it's interesting
to me that you're proving
that it just I'm so sorry. I'm always Wow. That makes me blows. My I am so sorry to women right now. Thank you, Todd.
I just feel like you're you're sort of taking situations that you may be witness once and turning them into a huge thing. Did you see a woman climb a tree and fall?
you shake a tree at the bottom? Yeah. What happened that made this this pop in your mind? Because
What did
i've never thought about it. I'm just thinking about stuff all the time. Did you know that women cops can tase you almost to death? Really. Yes, they are. And it's happened to me. Yes. I think coincidentally. But, yeah, I've walked around shaking trees just to see
what Yes. Women can also say, this is my cart. Don't steal things out of my cart at the grocery store. Well, your stuff looked
better, man.
That's right. You
know? It's like, but that's the stuff that goes you go through to learn. Think about that. And I it vulnerable for me. Do you know what I mean? To to admit I this late in life, after 25 years of being alive, then times
4 or 5. Right? 5. You're a hundred and 25 years old. We know this.
Well, I've Todd, it's your hundred and 20 fifth birthday on air. Just say it. Say it. That's why you're depressed today. You turn 01:25. Whoa? I
think that's where Not literally,
but your body did.
Nobody got me. Your
body turned 1 2. Carbon thing.
be great. There was a guy here, a paleontologist dusting you this morning and
I'd
well, He's 01:25. And you all saw me. I was all dressed up. I had my hair code 96I thought I was going on a date. Yeah. You
had lit you're you had little arms. You had little t regs arms.
That's actually what I think I'm going on a date. And that's
what happened, like to look your best. They had to date you by pulling you out of
your bed that's floor and dusting you off put, like, removing you from the dirt. Yes. Which is dangerous because you get cursed if you come in there. There's obviously the curse
on my
burial. I mean, my bed.
Well, you you fall asleep. You calcify into a fossil every night.
I do. I do. It's the way I've been able to stay. So young spray creative and interesting -- Mhmm. -- is I recalcify -- Right. -- people come in, they shove stuff in my nose and fill up my body with
it was a tour group this morning through your bedroom that thought you were noah's
aRC.
Yeah. I had to set him straight. I said I was I'm not in noah's ark. There's a lot of animals. There's a whole thing there. Right. But they coincidentally enough, when they saw me, their faces did all
melt.
But Okay. Of course. You know, this alumni event is getting me I would love to say I'm ready for it, Harm Morning, baby.
We love that work. It's never crass. No. Horney's awesome. We we need to say horny more
often. It's never crass. It's making me anxious. I don't sleep much anyway, but I'm
not sleeping well. We have slipped the wink.
I had a dream last night that my big segue trip trip where I jumped over 20 buses -- Mhmm. -- that I felt backwards into the ground so hard that I went to And that's
even close. That Oh, what the the big drain? Coming up. And the big drain in the middle of the school, you can hear the screams of hell.
That's right. So either it's possible, And we added a lot to the jump because now I am revealing Bill's little child in the air.
Right. You have to take
off the towel. The the towel while I will be holding my son over the balcony in the gym. And it's a lot of people saying it's 1 of the prophecies of the Methahilius. Yes. It is 1 of the prophecies. It's all 1 of the Yes. Finishing 1 of the final books of Methahidiism.
Yes, where the I think the quote of it is the thin way fish devil man will reveal these new antichrist.
Which is convenient timing because -- Well, Crievous is getting really big and angry. And I was thinking maybe we put him in the middle of the buses to sort of be like
-- Oh. -- even you had to Oh, yeah. No. Creeper is 1 of the old buses. I see. Yeah. Well, Crievus and
i have had I I don't know if you could tell, but we do not get alarmed, Crievus and I. That would make you and
everybody else without He's tough to be around. Because I
know I've never gotten along with, you know, any of your guys' partners that you never brought around, new friends, high school friends that you bring around and I'm like,
this guy, you know, and I'm really quiet. You do a lot to put
who's
up with you, I would say. Do love us, you know Do
not jumbo crevas in the line for the buffet,
which you did.
Which you did, and he says that.
Yes. And then Nobody got to eat it to buffet that. No. No. Nobody got to live with them within a day. But there's I'm anxious about that. You have put all your energy into taking care of somebody else. I'm noticing --
yeah. -- which
right.
Harking back to little boy cowboys for you. As a friend,
what are you doing to take care of yourself? Yeah. Should
we talk about that after the break sort of what we've been doing to
take care self
care -- Self care -- -- lowering this really tough
time on TikTok. I know everything about self care.
Right.
Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. I will listen to anyone on TikTok whether they're a licensed professional or not.
I've noticed no life. As
i sit alone looking at my phone for hours eating French fries, I'm getting a lot healthier in smarter. Yes. Yes. It's really good for my life. Yeah.
These strangers have have really been changing everything for me. I'm
not talking to anybody. I'm not giving, receiving, or showing love to anything?
No. I'm moving my thumb, eating French fries. Well, guys, stay around for after the break. We are gonna talk about so care.
Oh, yeah, folks. Thanks so much for sticking it out through the break. Come on. Cheer up, fellas. Cheer, are you doing? Are y'all meditating or what's
going on?
Yeah. Well, I'm calling them those. Yeah. Self
care, bones?
Yeah. I self care mom when I try to stand up out of a low couch. I'll self care mom.
I mean, you're self care mom and every morning in the bathroom, it sounds like.
Oh, Jesus, Howard. Hey. You try I know we've been talking about T02,
and we're looking for the whole list. If you're gonna use the toilet with the door open, we get to talk about it.
Oh, yeah. Who in here uses the takes number 2 with door open? 2
hands way up on my end.
Everybody's hand I open the door. Wow. My shoulder. I
open the door and then I flick on my microphone and my webcam. Mhmm. And then I
refer You men live steaming.
I've been all of that. I've been live streaming my BMs. That's right. I've been live streaming my BMs. Seeing if there's any interest so far, 0.
Doctors well,
doctors have been weighing in. Oh,
the medical community's very interested. Excuse me. Oh, yeah.
Shouldn't take this long.
Shouldn't take this long. It should be more water in the bowl. What why is it so dirty in there? If you have deep mushrooms while
you're on the can,
i figured, honestly, it would be more medical advice -- Yeah? -- but they're just sort of -- Poorman. --
judgment. Exactly. In this town
is
is very judgment.
But it is I appreciate that because I'm a I have really been thinking about shame in our society. Wow. And we're trying to open up and close shame. People are so ashamed to buy Charmin 3 ply toilet paper at the low price of 9 dollars for back 16.
Well It's actually pretty good.
Yeah.
And way to work out in their Slack. Thank you. And Are you getting paid for that? What's that?
Are you getting paid for that?
For what? I'm talking about shame Howard. Who would I get paid by? No. You're talking about shame. The deal on Sharpen. Who would pay me to talk about shame you know, that guy in the movie, Shane, or
is this like a fassbender?
Yes. Fassbender who used the Never mind.
what I do for Shane? Because I think this is totally right on. Uh-huh. I take a big viagra inhaler spurt into my mouth. Correct. And then I feel a little bit better because my posture starts
You know
up. Yeah. You I am a
wreck. Correct. I have my confidence back. You know what I mean? And then I don't feel so bad. And if that doesn't work, I take a lick of the old old Crievous. And that usually peps my day right up. Oh Crievous. Yeah. Take a lick, and you'll be happy. Do not take a lake while a cruise is sleeping. Thanks,
phil. Yes. Of course. Of course. But,
no, we didn't wanna get into we wanna talk a little bit about self care in the second half of this episode
it's a thing that, you know We just learned about it. Yeah. And yeah. We literally just learned about it. And it's and apparently, there's sort of stigma attached, especially with men, and sort of taking time to to -- Yeah. -- for self care. And so in the last few weeks, we've all sort of been stressed out. So we've sort of all sort of developed our own little self care routines. I don't know if anybody wants us to go first. Yeah.
because
And for men, it is okay to talk about stuff. Like this. So we just wanna reiterate that. Of course this self care portion brought to you by
man hat.
That's right. It's the first hat with 2 bills. 1 forward and 1 backward. That way, they know you're a man. That's
right. Man hat.
Man hat now comes in Oak.
And 10 w 40.
Yeah. That's right. It is well, it's a hat either carved out of oak or a little bag full of 10 w 40 shaped around
your head.
Covering up your hair isn't just for women and Well,
i'll tell you 1 of my self care routines. And this is something new that I was always worried about, but also always curious about. But society said, no. I will go in and get a Manny petty. Wow. And I'll walk right in there. I don't even take a shower before I go because I
walk Okay. You come dirty.
I come dirty. And then I walk right in and I just say, who wants me? I give, like, the chance. I walk right up to the middle of the place. And then I just say, who wants me? And whoever touches me first, I sit in their chair, And then I tell him how to do it. I tell him what I want. Last
time he went in, it was a security guard that touched you first. He had
to do my feet. He had to do my feet. He made the deal. Done. Yeah. Yeah. And you got a security guard pedicure. He
beat your feet to
to smithereens.
He beat I beat smithereens -- Now that's -- which is honestly
exactly what I need. Exactly.
Oh, yes. Smithereens is now on WebMD. Yes. But it's Smithereensfoot.
Well, I I assume for the 6 times I go in you know, I'll be a little bit closer to a normal need there. You know what I mean? Right. What I needed to get my feet beat to smithereens first time. Yeah. Second time, I'll probably need to get my feet strangled to death. Third time. Right. I don't know. Maybe blown to smithereens again. Blown to smithereens? Because that'll just really knock off all the calcified skin they say I have.
Oh, yeah. So that's You
wanna get your feet blown to smithereens to get all of the dead skin. Man. Hey, if you're
a lady and you've been doing foot care for years, by all means, go get a little scrub a dog. I mean, that might be enough. You're
basically a statue down there right now, so much sort of dirt build up, like, calcium on your your your
toenails.
Mhmm. And that was a the right pronunciation, Cassie, yum. Cassie yum, which you have been selling as, like, a Flintstones vitamins. Right? That's
right. Well, there's a lot of rich minerals in there. It's what they've been telling
me. Well, people have been almost like the the low from the dead sea. People have been putting calcium yum on and exfoliating.
Exactly. They find out about my fishing habits and that I fish barefoot down by the old dump. So it's right where the river
leaves the dump.
Oh, you've been fishing the dump water? I've been fishing dump water. And
that's a good
that is the opposite of a honey hole.
Are huge.
Huge and wrong.
They're wrong. I don't even know if they're fish anymore. Some of them have feet. And I'll tell you what, you don't wanna eat these things, but you could raise them.
Race? Yes. On
land or n c. They'll do whatever
you need. That's how you could triathlon these fish. That's
right.
They
don't they don't do too well on the bike though.
Yeah. So
self care. I'll go get my feet blown up and then go race a fish by the dump. That's very
that's sort of my
interesting. Really nice.
What deepurdens me. Is
that what it is? It's that's the an interesting way to put it. De burdening is good because I my sort of self care routine, 1 of the things I have heard about is journaling, where you sort of sit down and you and you and you sort of dump out all of your feelings onto paper. So what I've been doing recently is going on the website that the school where people can review your their teachers. Reading sort of reviews from my my class
hot and hot teacher dot com.
Yeah. Hot and teacher dot com, which is
which we have to reiterate over and over again, is their teaching stuff? Hot is good and not is not it's not about their looks. Yeah. But what I've been
doing is I've been sort of going and reading reviews of my teaching and then sort of sitting down to compose, like, a nice response to each of these comments, but I don't send them, obviously. Right. I just sort of take what I would say to these kids' face, and I write it down in in a journal, And then Would you
mind sharing, like, 1 of these reviews from hot or not teacher dot com and your response?
Sure. Yeah. So Not to be
confused for sexy teacher dot com, which does review teaching style sex here or not. So you look at
reviews of your you personally and then angrily right
is your self care.
Yeah. Yeah. I wouldn't say angrily. I I try to stay pretty measured.
So let me I'll read a review. Review a review. Yeah. And and let's see. Let's just go through here. Would you like to hear a good 1? Let's
go somewhere middle of the road, like 2 and a half to 3 stars.
Okay. Great.
Yeah. Backhanded compliment, if
you will.
Okay. Yeah. Here. 3 stars. This is from Tyler j. Okay. When mister Levis shows up, it is tough to understand what he's talking about. There's not much focus on biology in the class. And last week, he showed us the movie contact and said, This is kinda science.
It's middle of the road 1, not good or bad. Now
however, he seems like he's going through a lot
okay. Kind of taking up for you.
And for someone who has had such a hard life and is so lonely. He shows up every day and that's something. And
then a picture here and it says not hot. And,
yeah, then there's a picture.
And this is from Tyler j. Is that ringing any bells for you? Oh, I know
exactly who this is. Okay. Yes. Tyler
jackman, Hugh Jackman's son. Yeah.
Tyler Jackman, your tell your father. He's gotta come in for a teacher conference someday, son.
you. I'm dying to meet him. Yeah. We
I'm dying to meet
we had that 1 month where we set up Paradventure conferences every day.
Hope that you reacted with And we definitely Howard definitely came with his nerdy ass swords
and and Yeah. That's right. Howard has 6 little swords.
Yeah. Then he put on his arms. They're cool. They're cool.
It's like a man wolverine glove. Of course, I cast Everybody's try calling you. Greatest showman. Yeah.
Everybody's try calling you to lose your scissor hands.
Now Howard, of course, you would never send back this
response. I would never But I I need sometimes I need to let out the aggression that I Right. So I do it in a in a way that I can I can sort of keep it But
let's see? You haven't had your T02 today.
Haven't And you
so we're getting raw. Emotion, you know, which I think what what people wanna hear.
So yeah. So -- You know, twos. -- so I I would start Oh, yeah. We're all sipping on T02, the 3 of us right now.
Where'd you guys get that?
PUT02. Where'd you get
that? We were we we we it's not patented, so we we just mimicked
okay. Don't worry about it. Alright. Don't worry about it. Well okay. Here we go. Hey, Tyler.
Mhmm. Mean tone.
You fucking suck. Oh,
okay. I get why you never said.
You know, seriously, you're not even cool, man. Like, you don't even have any friends. You're dad's famous, and you still can't get
a girl to hang out with you. Oh my
god. You still can't get a girl hanging out with you. Also
your dad's famous. Yeah. Also, how much stuff does a kid have to keep in his backpack?
I mean, Tyler with a heavy bag.
It's really gonna do wonders for your Scoliosis. Just you little shit. Oh my god.
Of course, Tyler Shape.
Okay. Definitely knowing which
i by the way, thank you so much for reminding me of that image of kid with a really cool back It is 1
of our favorite images.
You know it's fun to lift that shit up and let it drop. It's like Of course, we all square.
We've
all taken towers, backpack, and totally put it inside out, reverse it, taking all this stuff out to boy how I'm sorry.
Yeah. So He shaped
like an ass from Scoliosis. Yeah. Now listen you little
beak.
If I if I if you ever even so much as walk past me in the lunchroom, you know I'm gonna trip your ass. And then when your big heavy backpack falls in your head and crushes it under the weight of all your textbooks, I'm gonna call 811 by accident. That's right. I'm gonna pretend to stop this emergency. But, really No. He's gonna show up, and you're gonna sit there suffer on the floor in the cafeteria, Tyler, unless, you give me your daddy's phone number.
Daddy's I do see why you don't send these again. But this is Of course, we all know broadcast
incidents that if you call 811 TSA shows up,
yeah.
And we've had a few a few I mean, of course, that nasty baseball tackle where everybody ended up having to go through the metal
and make sure everything that they're
drinking is 5 ounces.
And, Tyler, let me tell you, you know, if TSA shows up, you're headed to Australia, you little shit.
goodness. Of course, CHA enforces a border. Yes. You and your little daddy are going back to Australia where you belong. Of
Oh, my
course, our thoughts going out to tell her who recently got secretly deported
or
mysteriously deported. Mysteryous. We don't know who revealed the information.
Well, it was mysterious and secret, but now everybody's gonna know about
it. Yes. Right. I had
nothing to do with it, Tyler. The
greatest showman is trying to get him back here to America. Yes.
Howard, I think this is beautiful for sharing. I thank you so much. I'm sure our audience is endlessly thankful. Yes. And I just wanna ask, do you wanna put anything into this message that is about your feelings?
Yeah. Tyler,
well
i hate your ex. Okay. Alright. Everything you've learned about yourself. When you say things like this, it sucks. And it makes me feel like crap. Good. And I'm gonna take these crappy feelings out on you.
Okay? Mhmm. So don't you dare
man myself with my own invention. Shit.
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
that's exactly what we're gonna T02
TIO
in here. Like, you're uneducated in your response to your
i'm gonna take your crap and put in my toilet bowl. And then Oh, you're gonna breathe his
tears.
And then I'm gonna put the little thing in my nose in the little mouthpiece in my mouth. And that
man. You wanna breathe his toilet water. And then I can
spit it out of your face, kid. Oh,
you wanna reject his to
you. Yeah. Yeah, Tyler. Yeah. And
yeah. You know what? Yeah. Tell me, Tyler.
And can I give you 1 more tip? Can I just see you crumple up this piece of paper and slam it in the trash? Yeah. Crump
on it. Oh, yeah,
this, Tyler? This is you this is you, buddy. Step on the little thing on the side of the trash to open up the lid. Oh. Sorry,
tyler. You see
todd. Don't lean over
the trash towel. Todd was doing It's a lunchtime sniff.
Yeah. I do a a garbage sniff.
You get the scroll,
buddy. And
then all these bad feelings about Tyler. And now threw them in the trash. That's awesome. Mist it. I list it. Okay. Hang on.
Shoot. Got it. Back
in. 2 laptops. Very good. Great. How.
You braked up a time. Okay.
So I'm gonna step on the thing. You pick it up. You tossed it in, Todd. Just we're gonna do this. So step
stay away. Now we go. Here we go. Here we go. Gut smell
ouch. Okay.
Oh. 0, god. Talk that first. Show the toilet high, like, fucking
trash.
No. I must not work. Oh. 0, my god. Todd just went down the trash. Wow, Todd. Come back.
Wow. Oh, my god, you gotta give us Todd in the trash again.
This can't ask me. How deep is your trash? I know. This is part of his self care. Right, Todd? Well, shit. Well, okay. Well, what dude, why don't we go get it now? So
care, and maybe Todd will work his way out while you
do it.
are you trying to climb out? Todd, there's a ladder in Todd,
Todd,
you know how when you go into caves, you leave the wild you left the wire to get out of the trash.
Follow the wire. 2 or season 3? What?
Okay.
Not the discount. Yes. You left DVDs of the wire, trace your stuff. Shoe. Smart. We
know. Just trace it back up. Why are you talking like you're smaller?
You're
just You're
just the same size, John. Get out of there. I think you're Get out of there. Thank you much for backing up. Take no. Take out starving him. Oh, no. Okay. Take the bag out. He's right here. Todd, don't wander your your
time.
You're down. You're right back on. You're right.
Trash your
Look how we're here.
mouth. Todd, you're right here.
Oh my god. I was so far away.
Damn. God. If you keep trying to get in the trash, you're fake like you're far away, down deep Your
smell diet is not working, by the way. You've gained 4 pounds. I do not know how happened?
I think I'm sleep eating. No.
Just give me the hiccup.
That's why I'm big hiccup. I've done it to people before. I'm a I'm Sometimes when you get scared when you have the hiccups, they go, what? I scare people into the hiccups.
Right. Right. That's true. Well, I appreciate you sharing that. You're sort of getting your aggression out. You're not taking it out on Tyler
school --
jones at
not having his backpack around. -- I would never we're never doing
secretly getting reported. Definitely been doing
meditation. Oh, good. Yes. I've downloaded Are you in calm? I have calm. I have relax. I have chill. I have b still. I have chill out, chill, out, or take your no? Or you're just sort of running Well, I I run through the 30 days. I run through the 30 days. I have I've got all of them. I have b still. Dick or easy? Take her easy. Oh, take her easy is
the is the 1 that's sort of a cowboy themed.
Yes. It's you you're you you're always picturing yourself on a empty field, and you hear like, don't no. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. And you're just sort of like taking her easy.
Mhmm. Nobody's wrestling your cattle today.
Yeah. But the problem with take her easy is there's always a theme where somebody has your on the train tracks,
and it stresses me out. It's a really nice -- Yeah. -- tell that chef
whether or not your wife is on the train tracks. You can't control that right now.
want you to ignore
Yeah. And they
and she sounds pretty familiar, Todd.
Oh, I've done a few meditation app voice overs.
Awesome. Yeah. Yeah. So, I mean, that 1 personally isn't that chill. Yeah. But I did that 1 for 30 days, and it helped. You know, you just take a little time in the morning. First thing when you get up, when you're the angriest and the hungriest, you sit there and you don't eat, and you just relax. You know what I
Yeah.
mean? That's really nice.
And a lot of them are insistent that you shouldn't fall asleep. That's not meditation if you fall sleep. Right. You're exhausted, you're hungry, and you're getting shamed for trying to fall asleep.
Oh, yeah. I mean, part of my self care is falling asleep 3 minutes into any meditator. And I will not budge on that. I will not budge. You're
still taking it in. Right? I mean, you're hearing it
i'm just hearing it. I'm falling asleep. My neck and my neck goes to the side, and it hurts for the rest of the day, and I will not budge on this. I've
experienced this in some hours. I will not.
Sometimes I'll start a meditation and then realize, shoot. I ordered a sandwich already. And then I have to run out and grab
the sandwich and come
back for the tail end of
it. Yes.
like, I still that. Absolutely. Yes. No. If something comes to the door, I go get it. I will not budge on this.
I'm
Because meditation is like a book. You only need to read the first 3 pages in the last 4 and you get
the whole I've never read.
Yes. And
-- No, no, go ahead. Go
-- Go ahead.
ahead. Well, what I would like to do is, you know, I Because I've done some of these apps, I
through meditation. I would love see your experience because I think it would be helpful for people to learn. Right. The meditation
can walk
is not easy right away, but it is life changing. It's life changing, and I will not budge and I on it. I won't budge on it. So,
yeah, let you learned from meditation. Right? You learned from meditation.
Right? You learned from meditation, but
that
i take self care very seriously, and I would budge on it, and I'm actually aggressive about it. Talking about it and doing it and telling other people about it and making sure I do it in the morning. I'm very furious. Good. Are you doing the work. Thank you. Sounds like you're running the lady. Demons
out through the location. Those are inside of you. So let's
okay. Let me start. Before I even turn on your which I'm gonna turn it on. I wanna start by sort of, like, mimicking what happens in the morning -- Yes. -- when I get up before. Okay?
So You want me to do your alarm?
Yes. Do my alarm. Ear ear, ear, alarm clocks off? Kill the rooster. Kill the rooster. They eat later.
Barry.
Day. Shut. Hey. Go back in your room. I'm not bi. I gotta do self care. I'm doing
self care. I want breakfast. How long have you been up? 4 hours?
Go back to your room or go outside. Yeah. I won't budge on this. I must take care of myself. Okay? I've I've put myself on the back burner for 2 damn mall. I
really respect how seriously you
take this off care. Second. I need to look at Twitter, Instagram,
and TikTok
marketplace.
What do you know your credenza? He is sold.
God. Goddamn it for 12. God. To could dance out for 12. Me. Shit. I'm playing bubbles. Oh, come on. Give me the bubbles.
Yes.
1 second. Doot.
Alarm, vibrating alarm. Wait,
was that a text? Who is this? Read voice text, Siri? Bill, have you seen my chicken? Shit. This is the neighbor. Read my response, Siri.
Who this?
Sand serious.
it's your daily routine. Every morning, somebody texts you about the chicken you killed, and you're not sure who it is.
So
Yeah. I mean, this is it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I know who it is. I'm just trying to get him off my
back.
Hold on. Somebody's at the door. Alright. I'm here for the cordanza.
Goddamn.
It's back there in the back. You
got a truck or can borrow?
Fuck.
Yes.
Did I put what did I put in an ad? You can use my truck.
Yes. The truck included. Damn. Shit.
These
the keys? Yeah. Here. Alright. Take Yeah.
What the hell? Fuck a little do. If you
hey, man. What? That was my chicken.
Who this? Who are you? Who are you? Oh, the credential guy. Oh, damn. My bad.
Get off my lawn. I'll get off.
Hell, yes. The museum, grandmother's painting.
Morning
Okay.
routine.
Every morning.
here in your everyday everyday routine.
We're
Okay.
I'm ready. Does happens to you every
typical morning. Okay. Typical morning.
Okay. Alright.
Okay. I'm finally alone. Sons in the backyard. Okay. Alright. Sitting in the chair, legs crossed. Oh, my hip. Alright. On. Good morning,
and welcome to human being. Thank you for being a human with me today. Now usually at this point in the service. People find themselves falling asleep, having trouble. He's flat right there. Clear.
Son. Son. Son.
Dad. Are you okay? Did you just Come me with the paddles. Yeah. Thank thank god. Resacetate.
Thank
god, grandma. I got us this in home defibrillator. Speaking
to grandma. Hollower paintings just burnt down. A group.
That was a long long shot.
It's a flame
blast. Goodbye, chicken.
He sent that chicken to space. Elon Kluck.
Alright. And that's it.
That is that's so that self care is imperfect. I think
is what we learned. But you can't you can't budge on this.
And it's individualized for everybody. It's like, how what helps you?
There's some stuff I related to in there and some I didn't relate. And a good thing I've
heard is the hard work is showing up. Yes.
Once you all
you gotta do, as long as you do as long as you show up and you start the thing, it doesn't matter what happens while you're doing it. Yes. The hardest part is just starting.
That's what happened with Ocrievous. Because we just started and said, this guy's got a bag that has met We have to do whatever we can to keep him alive --
right. --
thriving and growing. Because there seems to be some relationship between the egg and the I wanna say man, but we're finding out that he's not
just kidding. The previous will be worse than the opioid crisis.
That's right. When they put it in Because, you know, we didn't wanna lose the egg by not growing Ocrevis. Right. But it's tough now that he's growing so
is. There's something a little other wordly about Ocrevis and the egg, obvious. There are some people in black suits kind of showing up with little earpieces trying to sniff around or grievous --
much. It
yeah. -- movie
I don't know.
government.
I've seen kinda area 51
ounce to be good. I'll tell you if we're just to take the prophecy at face value, then then we really know what's going on without grievance. Yeah. He's Jesus. You know, Jesus is Jesus, and we are the disciples.
That's what I believe, and I just figured it out. Yeah. But
so we're excited to usher in this new era of a Yes. It is the second coming. It is the second coming. And -- Mental
he he
is. -- we do believe it o'Creev is. We're we're open for anybody. It doesn't matter Black or White. Come on in.
That's right. And I think I'm I think we can get him to do a pretty big sermon at the
alumni night when you're ready. His wife, dirty Diana
will be there. Yes. And that's, of course, of the Diana family. That's our friend, Dirty, who we've known for years. And she, you know, Criva, started to really hit it off. I mean, you saw the relationship from beginning to end because you I
mean, yeah, we we saw dirty in
ocreba's first date. Yeah. Well, they were both gestating around the same time period. And as they grew, we just knew they were a man.
Yes. Love it first. Both soft
soft eggs, soft sort of dinosaur eggs,
having dinner with chef. Definitely reptilian or amphibian.
Human s, humanoid s -- Yeah. --
something -- Right. -- little human little robot little lizard. But, Todd, we know you smell to trash and try to get in deep into it and be small for your self care. Yeah. But what else do you do? Do you have, like, a routine?
You know, for me. For you? If you're buying yourself a treat. Well, yeah, for me, self care is about doing the things I feel, again, back to shame, allowing those to to exist.
Right? Right. Not judging yourself for your best. Not judging myself if I'm at
bikinis from right when school ends till when the sun comes out.
And you're so wonderful for not judging us.
And I don't and I because I don't want I don't wanna judge others. Right. And judgment starts on the inside.
Exactly. It starts
with 1. And so it it starts with 1 -- Oh, gosh. -- 1 thing. I don't know why. It
doesn't even matter how hard to try. Keep that in mind. I'm designed this rhyme to explain and do time.
Wow. Everybody remembers the Lincoln Park cover teachers cover band that Howard
and
i started. Yeah.
Yes. Uh-huh. Of course, was the Mike Chanoda of the group.
Yeah. Right.
Rapping DJ. You're
the Rapping DJ? Of course.
I just pretended to be West Bourland in the back with a mohawk and a skull painted
face. Yeah. So we're like, Bill, if that's what's good for you, then go for it. Yeah. So but myself carries in the middle of the day. I will go to a movie theater and watch a movie by myself. I will. You
have the opposite of the AMC card. Right?
Yes.
Yes. I have the regal
enimus regal enemas. Regal enemas? Yeah. Card? The
regal enemas. I thought it was regal cinemas.
i pay I get 3 a week. I paid a decades worth of what I thought was free movies. It's a good deal. Yeah. But instead, it is going in to get cleaned up by a very posh fancy man mister Regal
So
and Oh, yeah. He he does Diamond enemas. Right?
Almost Yes. Just diamond enemas. Scratchy. I need Exfoliating. I I have dressed myself out so much that I do have lumps of coal inside of me. Really? Yes. Santa Claus uses my poop to punish kids who have been bad boys. Girls.
Right. So I'm sorry. So
you have a deal with Santa. Yes. You have a deal you provide to Cole.
I mean yeah. It's a you know, it's
not
something uncle Sam knows about if
right. Sorry. For selling you for cash to Sam.
And then Santa let me That's cool. Santa let me berate the reindeers. Oh,
there's no cash involved.
No. No cash. It's just that I'm a I I'm I get to go in and say stuff to reindeers that we've all wanted to say. You know what I mean? Sure. Rude off. You know? Food off. Printer, print
shit. Just the classic. Blitson? Shitson. Yeah. Dancer? Dunker.
Donner, shitter.
Yeah. Cars. Visit
it's Vincent. Wow. The little red deer, Vincent. The little known the little known runt reindeer, Vincent.
We've tried we've been trying to do the story of Vincent for years.
He deserves a claymation. I'll say this. You think Rudolph is interesting. Vinson, not his nose
shines up. For sure. His nails, a snail, he got
glass. Well, mister can't see very well. Yeah. Yeah. If Vincent is always complaining and so all the other reindeer are like, please, we don't want Vincent And so then it's like, all he's gonna do is be like, you know, we fly all the way around the country whenever you get hot breakfast. Oh, yeah.
Vincent stomach, it's a mess. Yeah.
Yeah. It's been missed to pull over a lot. And the real the real shame of the call. Constantly ask you to stop at a fast food restaurant. It's like, been some you were making your stomach worse. And the real shame at all is this little guy can't even fly.
No. He's getting drunk. That's okay to not
that. Yeah. No. Don't tell this.
tell him
He thinks he's pushing from the back.
Yeah. He's literally being, like, hurt,
dragged right by this this leg. Thank they
he's hitting on
missus Claus all the time.
Well, he's like, I think god, Santa's going to deliver presence, I can finally get a moment with missus
claus. But what is Santa
gonna do? Turn down another flying reindeer. I mean, you can't kick him out a flea.
No. It would be too devastating. Because Vince has tried to kill himself so many times.
She can't kill him. Because
you're
off.
Yep. He
cut us on here. Cut his ear off and
he brought attention. Yeah. And you you and you really hated that right? Because I was, like, this is fucking attention. See, I hate you. And you can't stand and attention so you can No. If people are seeking attention, I'm like, get the fuck out of here. What do you mean I sell things on Fey Facebook marketplace for the friends.
So, right. Yeah. Right. But
you'll see a movie.
If we wanna cut all that. Movie. Take I'll take care of myself. Oh,
you'll take care of yourself for self
care. For self care, I I I'll just take care of myself. I'll go to a spa, Oh, wow. And I'll just raise an ad in there for a while, which is nice. Okay.
Now, Todd, this is so interesting. What is the most raisin you've ever been. Do you remember the day or the
other than right
now. Well
but and was it a red You look pretty saungy right
now. Was it a wet raisin or a dry Are we talking sauna? Are we talking
yeah. Or more of a plum.
Oh, I go back and forth, Son at a hot tub ice bath fireplace. And I just kinda rotated the dry out a little bit. But I I guess the most raisin y I've ever been was Probably world series. I remember it really well because it was the world series right after 09:11.
No
reason for that. I mean, easy to remember.
Yeah. It's easy to remember. That's probably the street.
But it was you know, we were all stressed out and I needed a lot of care. So I was going to the Russian and Turkish baths on the lower east side of New York. Right. Where of which for a while was the Russian Turkish Padre Beth because the day of the week I went in, no 1 would wanna come in.
Oh, I didn't realize it was Russian and Turkish because they sort of divided time.
Well, yes. There's 2 different owners who hate each other. Oh. But then I come in the third day and they get thrown together because they hate you for the church. And hatred of me. I wish they've done for years. They sent me to the West Bank. It's shifted you over to the police a long time. Yes. But they did say I ended up making things worse there, which is too bad because I usually fix things. They introduced me to Ben Affleck and JLO. Wow. And they hated me so much because I was like, oh, man. Cool, dragon tattoo. That was all I was talking about. But anyway, yeah. So I just, you know, I raisin out in the spa, and then I get a nice bagel and cream cheese. And I'll sniff that till the day comes home.
Till the day comes home.
Well, it sounds like we all really have put a lot of thought to how we take care of ourselves, which I'm so proud of because I know if you've been with the show for a while, you know we didn't used to take the best
no. No. We were we were pretty bad, we were pretty
bad parts, no, we've changed.
Yeah. Yes. So
different now. I mean, we're so Been through a lot. We used to I mean, we've eaten our friends We've eaten ourselves.
Well, we need 1 How many this is crazy. How many times have I let you guys eat me instead of just talking about my feelings? I mean, we ate you to smithereens, got couple of seasons. Yes. Yes. And it was tasty. We all loved eating my fingers, my toes. Sometimes when I was battered while rock climbing. Yeah. We all enjoyed -- Right. -- tasted good, but it didn't feel good. We don't need
that outside crazy stimulus because we are so settled in ourselves. We
don't need anything crazy anymore, to be honest.
Yeah. No. We don't need anything crazy anymore. We are absolutely uncrazy anymore.
Yeah. We're we're uncrazed. We are uncrazy anymore. And that honestly, I've
never thought I'd say those words. We're on crazy anymore.
Yeah. Why would I thought I would mature to the point where I knew what that would mean?
Yeah. I I was just thinking about oh, go ahead. I
was gonna say, the idea that I would be confident going into an alumni event to show who I truly am -- Yes. -- right. -- to all these people here are doctors, lawyers, professional athletes. Right. All these people, I would've I would've lied. I'm telling you. 6 years ago for if we had had an alumni event, I would've lied. I would've pretended that I didn't work at the school.
gone in there and just tried to act like I was some hot shit a hot shot. Well,
Right. I
would have
just think about the phrase. I mean, it really means something. Do you know what I mean? Mhmm. We are unchrazy and anymore.
I was just I mean, just last night, I am sitting on a toilet, breathing in black market T02 -- Exactly. -- with my friend to Plashiqueur in the Charmin Tic Tachouse, making covered in tics and fleas and bed bugs. Door
lock, because Ocrevus is roaming around right side.
Well, it'll be the only time I'll ever lock the door in the bathroom is if Ocretos is near. Yeah. And just saying to my new friend, too Pleasureure. It's so fun -- Yeah. -- to be unchrazy anymore.
Do not say someone's in here to accrue this.
I wish you, of course.
Yes. Of course. What a crevasse recently was in a basketball game when he used the rest room. It was like a scene from Jurassic Park. Everybody's silently not telling everything
else. It was literally like a scene from Jurassic Park where Well,
he ate my lawyer off a toilet.
That's right. That's right.
I mean, I have never felt more normal than when I have my son chained up in the backyard, and I'm trying to ignore my neighbors because they're knocking on my door because I'm shooting their chickens while I'm getting my son ready to unveil unveal. Unveal. Make him not a lamb. Some people are saying my son is a little tiny sheep which would explain why you can leave
him alone almost all the 2 hours a day. And why he's chained up. Absolutely. You don't wanna Well, and here I will say this. I will say this. If your son is a human and not a sheep -- Uh-huh. -- it is crazy how were you wearing his hair around. It's okay if it's a sheep because it's just wool. But if it's your son, you're shaving your son's head every day and wearing his hair.
Yeah. I'm making
making yarn. T shirts out of my son's hair. It would make more sense if it was a sheep, but it's I'm uncrazy anymore. You know?
I I feel the same exact way.
Right. I feel
the same exact way. I used to be spread so thin. Yeah. I was doing all these things. Now I watch a man demon who holds an egg that is medicine or else he'll tear the town apart. Right. I'm so glad that I've pared down because I'm on crazy anymore.
Yeah. And it's all about self care, obviously, brought to you by manhattan.
Self care is sponsored by Manhattan.
What is why is T02 gonna start sponsoring stuff? I think there's things
it. I wish I could do it. I wish
i could do it. You know what? You know what I'm planning for you, Hailey? I would love to go into any Rite Aid in the country and go into that
as seen on TV section and see AT02I
would love to go into a
home depot and see 1
of those toilets. Hooked up and being sampled for T02I
would tell that. It wouldn't happen. I would love to go walk through them all and see that as seen on TV store. And after having my ears pierced yet again at Claire, walk in and see my friend's product, ears throbbing. Beautiful new braids in my hair also. Because Clairs. Because Clairs. Yes. But New braids. And I would brag to people, you know, about my awesome talent
i really don't even get to flip past your infomercial and not
watching. I know fellas.
I would love to burst out of a Charlotte Ruth in a brand new beautiful outfit that I shouldn't have got, but hey, I'm crazy. And see your T02 pagoda with you sitting in the middle of the mall pan around your ankles breathing in your own separating their water. You
know? I would love that.
Guys, a felican dream, but sometimes you're not meant for the the the thing you think you're meant for. You know? We all thought that
that's
where I was getting. But honestly, life got in the way. But that's okay. Because
tonight, we have a big dinner on 1 side of the table with Oak Creepas that will be painted, and we're gonna find out who is not who they say they are. At this big it's a final supper of this call.
Paul, he's getting
ahead
of it and falling at the final the final supper over there.
It's it's on the eve of the the Alumni event. It will I'm
really just hoping I'm not on the menu.
Yes. I don't think we would be. And I
ocrevis was was sort of barking last night that all will be revealed. Similar to your and 1 of 1 of us will
turn against ocreepus. There will be a I mean, it's I don't love ending a show. On a cliffhanger like this. We don't. But 1 of us will turn on
number 6. Yes. 1 1 of us will turn on a crevasse. What will of us will turn on a crevasse?
Yeah.
Well,
there will only be 1 0 Cremus. We all know the foretold. Yeah. Well, it's written in the book of E. Oh, he he. And it will be
revealed, but I will Excuse me. Which 1 of you mites is Howard Levis?
Oh. Jackman.
Which 1 of you might just
have it? It's not me, sir. It's not me, but can I say I loved you and Kate Leopold? Oh, thank you. It was very
fun to film. We had a beautiful brilliant time on that film. Would you like an autograph?
Absolutely. Were you sign my chest? Yes. Look at those knock here you go.
There you go. Who should I make it at to? Oh, Sam. Sam. Will you sign -- Okay. -- will you sign me? I liked you when you were that principal
that stole all the money? Oh, in the HBO -- Yeah. -- HBO Max film that came out based on a true story. Yeah. Allison Janney is just a dream to work with. We had a blast on set. Where would you like to sign? Don't forget my chest. Oh, yeah. Here we go.
Shit. Oh,
also. Do my head.
I'm just gonna sleep I'm gonna sleep out of the Sorry on who shall I make this out to? I should've said before. I started signing
it. My neighbor. Okay. Deputy age go. Who d They asked question mark. Alright.
I can't use
this opportunity to just sneak out.
Oh my god. Hugh. Can I say that your hair and chappy has been an inspiration to me since day what? Oh, thanks so much. We had a blast in the hair and makeup department. Could I please have your autograph? Sure. Who should I make an ad too? Make it up to my daughter. She's a huge fan and she'd be so proud of you. Wait. Wait. Where'd Howard go?
Howard. How where did you
know? Where is that motherfucker? Is he in the trash?
He deported my son back to Australia. Oh, yes. We're sorry, Hugh. Yes. He's he's got some issue with your son. Oh well I've
got an issue with him. He's dead meat. Fuck. Let's just say I know a thing or 2 about Howard leave eyes that he won't be too proud of something dungaree related.
Right? Oh,
cute. This is really your alley. Come
back tomorrow night. Please,
you don't.
Okay. Fine. Don't
throw a wrench in this. Do not.
don't find Howard Lavis then things are gonna get real crazy. Can
Well, if I
i say to you? Your accent has gotten really good.
Oh. It's actually really good. It hasn't really faded at all. Well,
i've hit it my whole life. Yeah. That's true. I believe you. I believe you. Alright. I'm gonna hop on rue over here.
Oh, my meditation app. That sounds like my meditation app.
I'll tell you what. Today was Where did an hour ago? I don't
no way. Cree. Okay. That must be a door. Okay. Good. I got
in the closet.
Oh, god. Okay. Okay. Okay. You
okay? I mean, I'm
are you glad we sprung for the walk in closet
and teacher's lunch? Everyone said we didn't need a walk in closet. Yeah. We did say a lot of people come in here looking for us Well,
because it had to make the
lounge so much smaller. We obviously had to go out into the lounge. Well, it's not a walk in lounge, Angie Angie Moore.
Angie Moore. No. It's
sort of a Listen. Guys,
guys. Thank you so much for covering for me there. I didn't know how to handle that situation at all, so I just Yeah.
bail You bite a flight. I float. I float it fighting.
You
I'm sorry. This is important, but are we gonna scoot right past me quoting my production of Greece mispronounced?
Oh, yeah. You stuck you said in your grease production that it was not a typo. And when you pushed forward within you, more, in you more
well, that was the
only weird thing in the production. Yeah. Well, everything else was I'm crazy. But anyway, I'm sorry. Howard, this is This is bad news. Are you okay? I
mean, I'm
that's your hero, and you had to run away from him.
Yeah. He looked angry. He wrote in your shirt
off on a kangaroo? Listen.
Yeah. I'm gonna
have to I I don't know what Got well, we need to get out of here because I have to undercook a chicken gasser over tonight.
Yeah. That's gonna take a long time to
get it how you want it. Oh, yeah. To put it in for 3 minutes? Do you guys do you
mind if I sleep at your house tonight?
Well, I mean, I got my son.
I mean, I could ask how creative is.
You could come to the TikTok House, but they they bully adults. Trust me. So You know, introduce
a guest to a Crievers without checking with him first. You
know, that's fine. I'll just I'll stay in my house. Oh,
crievers
will be very rude to your friends if you hang out with them. But you have to be friendly to his friends. Do not
do not talk to Ocrevis during his little dessert. Don't make any loud noises while Ocrevious is watching his shows. Ocrevious is obsessed with Grey's Anatomy. Do not talk to him during