Hello ballies! Hal Phillips, Cliff Mountains, Doug Piscoli, and Homerun Henderson discuss the new league rules, new sponsors, and removing the duds from the team.
Hello Ballies and welcome to the bleachers lounge. The first best and only podcast about issues pertaining to the Hamilton area Little League scene. I'm your cohost. Home Run and Herson. Sitting here with some of my bleacher buds. To my right we've got Doug Piscolli. How you doing, Doug?
Hey. Good. How are you doing home run? Your voice is sounding as
good as ever, the surgery work. Yes. For those of you who haven't been checking in on podcast. I got a loud surgery. I got the decibels up. I got my I got my vocal folds loosened a little bit -- Yes. -- and now I could go as low
to the floor.
Damn. No ceiling. No ceiling on that bad boy.
So They can just crushed on the table.
Yes. I do. Instead
of glass breaking, your voice crushes metal.
I walk into bars and I yell. And we got Kavan riding the lines there, making sure that I don't peak. Yes, Kevan. We love to work for Kevan. Yeah. And sitting next to Doug is my good buddy. The king of the getting beat, Cliff Mountains.
Hey. How you doing? Home Run? Your voices sounded loud.
1 of the What a compliment.
Now 1 of the only coach is to get Bean this season in the dugout. That's right. I will absolutely take a ball in the back if 1 of my guys needs to get on base. Absolutely. Oh, it
counts too. You get a you get the guy gets to get on base
too. It's a foul ball unless you
hit somebody. And if you don't leave the dugout fence until after the kid throws it and you get into the path of the ball before it gets the home plate, That's a bean. That's a bean. It
doesn't matter who it is. So you're The
pitcher winds up and right when the ball leaves the fingers. You run from the dugout to the plate, shove the other kid out of the way and show you back.
Often get hit in the head, no problem here.
No problem. No
problem here. Your neurologist has said that They came in once and say
oh, my neurologist's pediatric. But Utorologist
but not My
neurologist last padiah. Your
neurologic such pediatrist
well, it's your neurotic podiatrist. Right?
Yeah. We neurotic
pediatrist. But he says he can do them both.
Yeah. You know, well, he threw them both and I I saw it brought in the or you told us about this. For for the first time he brought in the x rays, you thought it was a photo of mashed potatoes.
That's
right. I got no brain folks until unscrambled by the beans. And, of course, pal Phillips, the man who lives dearest family.
Yeah. Classic
cow. Classic. That's it. That's it.
It's
really, you know, it's tough. It's it's tough. You're trying
to reconnect with your family.
Yeah. You know, it seems like a running theme with me. I I get close to I get closer to things that I want, and then I can't get them. You have a tough time just you you keep getting close to your family, and that's tough. Yeah. Yay. It sucks. I'll be honest with you guys. I'll say it here. I won't say it anywhere else. Right. I'm actually upset that I gotta be close to him at this point.
Well, actually, because
you were working so hard in the past, but now you flipped Yeah. I flipped. You flipped a bitch. I
flipped us every
time. You're part of a friend's guy.
Yes. And I've said this to my wife from the day we met. I just want friends. Right. I just want friends and she says, no. You don't. You want kids. You want a house. You want the same. And I say, That's what you want. You're saying what you want. And I get it. I am an attractive guy. III
how gives you an April man?
Relation My ideal relationship is talking 5 minutes once a week and Okay. You
got boundaries. You put your boundary up. I mean, it's a hard line
that you're doing this. I did it in the vows too. You guys were at my wedding. I said exactly what I wanted.
Both it was the first ever just friend's response in a vows, I believe. Yes.
Yeah. And so you've been going to a therapist, and they've been encouraging you to put up boundaries, and you've just become rude. Is that right? Well Now you've been going to a therapist, and now you're rude?
Well, I get I can't afford the I can't afford a regular therapist, so I've been talking to the waiter at the diner down down the street. Oh, right. Because everybody says Got the best advice. Yeah. Diner. Honestly about the menu, Yeah, well, and I'll say this, that's the 1 place that they've steered me wrong over and over again. Don't get the spaghetti at the diner. You always found a spaghetti and gravy. Yes. Spaghetti and gravy.
But scary and gravy because this is that gravy like a Sunday sauce town of gravy.
No. This is sausage's gravy. Yeah. Because of those jokes. I've been watching the Sopranos, and they talk about gravy. Yeah. Yeah. They talk about gravy.
that to them, gravy is marin' air sauce. It's I go to the diner and I say, give me the spaghetti and gravy. And they say, are you sure? And
Now
i say, yeah. Don't look at me like that. So where are they steering you the wrong way? Because so far, it seems like you're confused. They tell me that ain't
that ain't what I want. You wanna say, you should shut up, spread my pischetti. Right. And great. And then they bring it to the table and they give me this look like, are you sure about this? Are you gonna eat this? And
then you said this is your chosen family.
Yes.
Yeah. The dinner. The well, yeah, he's already
chosen it. Because to me, the diner is, like, the diner itself is, like, a person You know? The diner itself has a personality. So they say New York is is a character in the movie -- Right. -- or whatever. To me, the diner is a friend. Well,
the diner was your best man at the wedding. We all remember. Yeah.
It and it sucked that the original venue wouldn't allow it.
The best man, the caterer.
Yeah. I mean, it
was free to
talk he was gonna give his speech,
it was a 15 minute wait for a party of 2, which I do not know what that means,
really, but we never heard of speech. At the end of
that aisle wait until the people at the front of the house got up from their diner meal. Yeah. It was really it was a frustrating time in the wedding
then. Delicious catering though. Absolutely. Under wet. That's
so dinner catering at a wedding
finally. I never have hash browns outside at night. You know what I mean? And that was
a nice thing. It's really
gonna be. You can get whatever you want to, I said, full menu. Do we're not we're not doing this thing Chicken or beef. We're doing full menu. Menu. It's basically just like everybody who's attending the wedding is gonna be able to order a full diner meal.
I would say they should have prepped some more food. You know what I mean? They should have prepped it and
have choice Just made to order. Rather
than just made to order a diner like right.
I mean, I think I waited 6 hours for my fish, which I was fine to do. I was I
couldn't believe it was. Would you rather the fish get get parbaked? And no. Yeah. No. No. No. No. I'll wait. Yeah.
I will wait. I do
not want any sort bar baked
sushi. No. No. I don't like
that. I want every ingredient fact in my food made to order. I want it grown to order, in fact, and that's why I'm so skinny.
Have you been to 1
of these grown to order
restaurants? They are. Oh, my god. They are complicated. They're expensive. I spin You know what? They're delicious. I spent a year and a half the other day to get a dessert with some watermelon. Yeah. A year and a half the other day. A half the other day. I spent a year and a half to get this watermelon dessert. Oh my god. It was worth disconnecting with everybody in my life sitting in that
a watermelon dessert. So what is it? It wasn't just watermelon balls. Was it? It wasn't I
think it was yeah. I think it was just watermelon balls, seedless watermelon
have to be grown have to be grown
had to be gone. Had to be gone.
But, yeah, I sat in that warehouse for about a year and a half. Waiting for it to be grown, which a lot of people was like, why did it take so long? It's in 3 month season. And I was like, I don't know.
They messed up. It's it's tough to Follow, Cesar. To its tough to grow watermelon.
not a thing. Oh, yes. It did. Yeah.
That's
Because they threw out the little
1. Yeah. Well, as it took
down your order wrong the first time it was. So you had a you had a pumpkin or for some
yes. I waited a year and a half. They come over. They lay it down on the table when I go, I didn't order this. It's another year and a half. I will say your beard
is looking beautiful. Is that age?
Looking great. I have aged. I look like Wilson no. Wilson's daddy.
Wilson's daddy. Castaway. I look like
wilson's daddy from Castaway. Hank's character, of course. Of course. Yeah. Well, that's what he's credited, mister number 1 line.
Last people don't stay and look at the credits, but if you look at the credits and cast away, Tom Hanks is credited as Wilson's daddy. Yes.
Yes. Castaways. But considering
i've been in a warehouse for 3 years by myself waiting for a watermelon dessert, I feel pretty good.
Yeah. You've been zooming in on the t ball again, the little league games. It's
the most deadly.
Remote coach. It's
been great having you coaching the kids from a very choppy zoom screen. Yes. Yes. D n Wow. Disappearing into your background is not that funny, but but you keep up that fake background and you keep disappearing
into it. Yeah.
What's weird is You know how you can blur out your background in Zoom? That's just what that warehouse looks like. It's just blurry. Oh, yeah. It was a warehouse designed by a guy who would love his glass to
wonder what bit
it. He doubled down, and it's actually Physics defying architects. That's incredible. Well,
i gotta say your absence has kind of been well received around the Little League. Your team went off. This year.
They were off.
They went off, which means
the most home runs are from a farm team we've ever seen.
My boys were cracking them out over the fence, really, really intense. Because I I these boys eat well. You know, they've been getting a lot of protein. They've been hitting the gym because you gotta hit the gym, and you gotta have that big wide shoulder in tiny ways. This year was if the aesthetics does help to perform. Oh, it it's like 50 50 performance look. For my team.
I'm like yeah. I mean, it's I when I see a bunch of, like, upside down triangles with legs walking up to the field, I go,
i know
who's team at is.
And, yeah, all my whole team looks like just like 40 Johnny bravo.
And that's that is because you had 2 sponsors this year. You had a doctor Romano for 1 And 2 Doctor Romano, of
course. Then the chicken store. Yeah. Of course. Doctor Romano,
of course, a local steroid salesman. And
the trick store, of course, the place where they sell steroids.
Yes. I cut out the middleman. Okay? So I got we have you saw our jerseys doctor Romano's and chicken store on them plus chicken store equals Then a then a headshot of each of the players. Yes. Exactly. And these kids are steroids aren't bad. They're not bad. Everybody if you do
yeah. -- they are fine. You wanna do them
them right --
while your body's still growing. Exactly. Exactly. Complications, you can grow through it. Once you do it when you're, like, 25, 30, that's gonna have permanent negative effects.
Yes. Yes. You gotta do it while your body is forming because -- Yeah. -- those are the time to make big changes emotionally and physically, stuff that while your brain is forming, it doesn't stay with you.
What you want to be shaped like a triangle. You don't wanna end up as a circle. You de you don't wanna end up as a square. You don't wanna end up as a rhombus. Well, we
it's fun because I mean, it's fun. It's fun because this season, our league, was the first league to sort of try out this new we don't care about doping.
Well,
when it wasn't just doping, it said it said performance enhancement of any kind -- Yes. -- we're just gonna see. Yeah. We had a big meeting that Let's just
see if it's fun. Let's see how it goes. Which
is part of why home run was able to finally get the loud surgery. Right?
Yes. That's 1 of the
bleacher performance enhancing.
the
Yeah. Because they were injecting just
straight decodone in your in your throat. III didn't ask what it was, but whatever Decodone is, it worked. Do you know what I
mean? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I
said as long as I'm deck had done being unheard by people. Well,
your throat won the Crossfit Awards. Yeah, Mike.
It was my throat and then a couple of jacked guys, and it was a we did some every minutes on the minutes, and then we did some poooms. Right.
Yeah. Am rims? You can yell at the ground and do a kip up just by doing that.
Yes. I screened myself right up to my feet, and then I screamed at the air to go right back down to the ground.
Wow. Your voice is kind of a weapon now. Yeah. It's like it's got physical presence and mass.
Yes.
Listen, his of the podcast will remember that in the past, my farts have been used as weapons of mass destruction.
Oh, yeah. Is that this podcast? I believe
so. I believe so. I believe it is. And it is it is happening with my voice now is they have been Sadly
let's do the same run. The same exact run.
Let's do this. Well, no. This is different. I actually ended up getting I got some contracts with security firms. Oh. So I'll screen people out of concerts. If you come if you come back in heat, I'll scream that gun right out of
your hands. You also are a anti collision device on a car that you sort of mount you on the back bumper, and if another car is about to rear end you, you just scream and
also, the beta testing of that was really painful.
You got bonked right in the no in the bridge.
Well, yeah.
I got bonked in the bridge. Yes. As you all know, I look like a pug now.
face. I just
Only in the
but, no. The way you only in the face your legs and butt. Yes. They're kinda crunch down. And and home run, you can
look at that as a negative, but you can also look at it like, positive, which is your original base ball cards. Now if you look in normal like a regular person are worth tens of dollars.
Right. 10 dollars
well, you speak that if you are 1 of my baseball cards, you owed money.
Yeah. It's 2 of 1 of my
cards you had to pay into a tax. And now they are in the black, my cards are in the black sheep. I remember that.
I was going through the old Beckett the other day, and I was looking up the price of all the cards that had. And I looked up years, and I was like, Jesus, I'm in debt. Right. Because I thought it was cool. I had all of your rookie cards.
It's like owning a boat. She's like, where do I put this thing? It's gonna cost money to
store it, everything. And I'll tell you what, my binder got so salty. I don't know what
i love your baseball card binder. And I love you have it as an adult still. Yeah.
Well, it was a trapper keeper. Wasn't big enough. I had to get 1 of those 8 inch bound binders. I got a million plastic sleeves in there. It's covered in grease. Million. It's 1000000. Yeah. 1000000. And all in 8
inch? Guinness. Awesome.
Ginnys. Ginnys.
Ginnys. But, you know, we are talk we're talking about first of all, Gary, we'd like to thank our sponsor this season. D Doug's Doug's pro Little league shoe. Such participation, Little league shoes.
Little league shoe. So, yeah, Little League shoes, they are specifically for Little Leegers, and they do come in a little tinfoil bag. And they work now. Right? Yeah. They work.
They they work. That's what the commercial says. But but they work I'll I'll say this. Doug, I got a couple of pairs to test out with the kids. And I'll say, 1, the packaging is very cool. It's like a little pouch Right. It's very similar to very similar shoe. As I was gonna say, the shoes would be great. The shoes would be great. If they didn't come, shredded into little strips. With dust on them. With dust on
them. Where you're supposed to reassemble them in your mouth. You know how people can people who make out really good.
I see. You see?
I shouldn't have been you had something. Yeah. I like And I pushed it quick.
I like little league shoes
a lot. Did you
have something? Let's go little
league shoes
crazy. When we're done with this, Yeah. We will come here. We got a second sponsor. We got a second sponsor. What did you say you made
a mistake?
I made a mistake with the Little League shoes, and I thought it was the pouch that it comes in. So I was running around these little plastic silver things, but then I realized the purpose of the actual bag, it's for poaching salmon.
Exactly. It's for a nice it's for a nice poached salmon or a what is that when you cook an acid? And I was you? No. Cooking acid. Cooking acid. You, like, lightly cook a sous vide. Sous vide? It's a sous
vide. And I found you
acid?
Or is it lemon juice? It's neither, buddy. What
is up to me? You you cook fish just by putting stuff up Well, I like the ceviche. Ceviche. Ceviche.
Ceviche. Ceviche. I throw I throw big hole 80 pound tunas in hydrochloric acid. And then I eat the smoke.
Like with a straw, you just suck up all the smoke. Yeah. It's
super cracky and weird, but
well,
not, like, choose. I mean, they're gonna take off.
Yes. They all are we done with Little League Shoot? I would love to be done with it. Yeah. We're done. But what did you have? So
we're our other sponsor, second sponsors, Darryl's participation trophies. Okay trophies for okay players.
And this place,
i'll tell you what. Oh my god. Model is genius. They clean up because we have some of the worst kids --
yes. -- in our family. I mean, this year, when they they provided us for free, the you showed up, trophy, Yeah. Which was for anybody who just simply came. Just
for 1 game too. You didn't even have to come for the
whole season. Yes. You showed up.
Sarah, some couldn't even get that 1.
I know.
That was different.
But, of course, they had the tired sibling of the player, Sophie. Right? The little the little run. They were called a little run. Yes.
As as you probably all know, we've come to the end of the little league season and that is the time to give out some of the awards and the trophies and some of them are obvious. Most improved is obviously the kid who came out of the coma. And we're gonna learn his name. We're gonna get that and put it in the next Yeah. I
rude the first game when they had him in the bed at home plate and he was you know, they were just throwing it
the up called the strike out way too
hard. Strikes on was huge in that band. We all set that up. You gotta get to trick that strikes on, baby. And also
no offense. There are kids who are here who wanna play.
Yeah. There
are 221 Let the kids who are here playing again. Let them play and we're speaking specifically about little cliffy mountains.
Yes. Of course. He hits backwards. Right. He tries to hit it in.
He tries to hit it harder into the catcher.
He says, dude, hot in the catcher. And his thing is, if I hit it hot enough after backstop, it's gonna bounce off the pole out of the stadium.
Still available. No matter where you're still available.
Obsessed with bouncing and and sort like,
angle, geometry. Yes. Very talk about this for a second. You've
never been prouder of your son, food? No. I've never been more depressed.
Oh, so. He's in
to science. He's into science.
Hey. Hey. It's causing me a lot of problems. No.
No. No. No. Cliff, you gotta understand. Every kid is different. Okay? I don't know
what my kids do too.
Want a different kid.
But every kid is a little bit different. Okay? Like, some kids like a certain sport, some kids like to play piano. Some kids like
no.
To to to go to summer camps. So you do not play the piano. If you're my son, you'll play the organ at the ball game or nothing at all.
That's
true. The only type of jacks or play the again? The right type of kid,
you're supposed to be you're supposed to be in the frogs, and you like baseball like me. That's what kids There's a clear
switch Z10 through 8 years old, you're obsessed with frogs. Then all of a sudden, you see your first game, you're done with frogs, you're into the You're
obsessed killing frogs, and now you're into baseball.
This is this is the natural childhood they have. Natural childhood. And it's
what I want for myself. You
hunt frogs until you ate and just bludgeon them. This is a normal livestock. And then says, why is my graphic code? And
and if and if you're like me.
In the trap.
And if you're anything like me at about 8 and a half, 9 years old, you start feeling You
were
into killing frogs for way too long.
Yeah. I'm a be
honest. You were You killed a fuck at your wedding. Well We all saw it. We all saw it.
You snuck away. Stop the frog. That's supposed to be a glass. We put Well, I
didn't wanna be You said, hey. I'm doing a Jewish wedding thing. I
didn't wanna be lucky for you. The frog had been the chicken store, so he ended up beating your ass,
which I stopped. Well, he made me do a
full back flip. He actually turned into a battle toad, isn't this good? He did battle codes. Yes. He this
dog lived in
the bin at the chicken store. You tried to stop him. He's a battle frog. He beat the shit out of you. And
and listen, honey, shoot you. I'll tell you, miss. Emotionally to any battle toads out there listening to the podcast, when someone says I give, that means the fight is
over. He had you in some given language.
He had you tied up in a damn press, so you were screaming I
gave I gave. I gave. I said, Uncle, I said, all the things that you say to try and pat down. And then his
uncle came in and kicked you out.
Right. And by the way, battle toads out there. They tacked on with their feet A 2 on 1 fight against a human ain't good. Okay? It ain't good. It ain't good.
Well, let's be honest, how you're not gonna rationalize with battle toads. I mean, I think they're from space. I mean,
your wife's family loved it because you've been such a dick during the ceremony. Right.
They were all cheering when you ran away and the toads started chasing you on that
right? Because I'm swimming away. I was thinking, he's an I didn't need to think about it. So stupid. Frog amphibian means these motherfuckers can swim. And so what swimming after me, and then the other 1 gets on a jet ski and I'm like, shit. That's because they're anthropomorphic.
Just running over your head knocking you 6 feet under the
water and you pop back up, bam. And the other one's underneath waiting for me to get knocked under by the sea doo, and I'm getting punched up by the 1
under the water. Then I'm getting knocked down by the 1 on the sea doo. And by now, you run out of ways to say you give up.
Uh-huh. You said,
ungroup is what I give. I play that. I lay in the water and I float face down in the water for as long as I can, 35 seconds. And
that's when the street shark showed up. That's right.
Yes. The street
shop. Roller skates.
Yeah. Oh my gosh. Tell if they were 1 of the kids from your baseball team or if they were a
right. Because my kid all the kids from my baseball team looked like the shark from that movie with all the bad superheroes, suicide squad. Nah. No. I know movies I swares. Wilson's daddy and suicide.
Meanwhile, this whole time you're getting your ass beat by the battle to us. Uh-huh. I'm sitting here waiting for my cider ranch that I asked for 2 hours ago.
Well, I listen, again, put the complaints on Yelp. Okay?
What is it with us and being obsessed with weddings gone wrong?
happened to everyone.
It's
Well, I don't I mean, has the wedding ever gotten right for you? What are you supposed to do? You
can go watch it. I thought mine did.
Yeah. Yes. It was not. I really enjoyed your
event. Have we ever talked about home runs wedding?
It was I don't know. But if we have, we're gonna do it again and let's compare
home runs was, of course, on the mound. Yes.
It was a based off the wedding. Unfortunately, I tried to pitch the ring to my wife and I walked
about with 1 pitch. It was 4 ball.
beamed there. I beamed yes. I beamed my wife and so I had to go back through the lineup. So it was bridesmaids. Walked my wife home, then she got back up to bed. Yeah. To re propose -- Re propose. -- see if she would marry. And at that point, you charged them out.
Well, you
Which I which I think was everybody's favorite part of the world. Yeah. The goldberg spear. Yes. The classic goldberg spear.
My wife's spied me to the ground. And it was not romantic or sexual. It was angry, you know. Because she wanted a different wedding. She thought it was embarrassing but She wanted a
different weather did
this 2 wanna baseball wedding, though? And
and and and, you know, it should tell you something about the 4 of us when that is the wedding that we describe as pretty nice.
was a nice 1. Very nice.
It
Your wife angrily speared you after you walked in. Well, but you didn't let it get the best of you. I saw you with her head in the head Yeah. Go ahead and look.
I didn't get any punches in. No. But then she did a
classic atomic drop where she lifts you up and she drops you on her knee on your ball. That's right right on the
budget. And then the undertaker's manager showed
up. Oh, bear.
Why was he there again? Whoa Paul Barry is my wife's third cousin once removed.
But this guy loves a wedding. And he looks
yeah. Paul Beyer, you still
here. Or once died. Right? Once died, sir.
Yeah. So I don't want to What's your new prepared?
Well, yeah, Paul Beyer was away to crasher before the move the movie's based on Paul Barrick. Oh, right. Right.
Vince Von is Paul bearer.
Vincevant is Paul bearer. That's right. Oh 0, Luke Wilson. Owen
wilson. Oh, and Wilson is Luke Wilson. Oh,
and Wilson is Luke Wilson. Because he takes out Luke Wilson of Palmberry used to crash weddings. Owen stole the idea, brother. Vince. Yeah. The Wilson brothers won't talk. Anymore. No.
They don't talk because 1 of them started
making basketballs.
And and then and also eventually ended up a castaway on Tom Hanks
yes. He did. And then his dad was there.
Full. So but, yeah, the wedding got a lot of hand. And luckily, with a rabbi pie, I got everything back together. And
yes, folks. You did hear that right. It was a rabbi slash vampire.
You probably all thought it was a rabbi in an o you know, close? No. No. I know that would make sense. On this on this spike has to
hear that. But this Well, that was the 1 thing you grabbed by her long curly teeth.
So we had to do the wedding at night. Luckily luckily he already hated garlic, so that wasn't an issue.
Too spicy.
That was a beautiful weather. Between
him being a rabbi, you know, Vilda, very Nebishi rabbi and a vampire. The menu was very mild.
Well, listen. Guys Yeah. That was our good 1. This ain't this ain't the
the the nuptials -- No. -- a lounge. No. He catch that on our Patreon.
Yes.
We have a Patreon where we just
discuss our weddings and what happened. We There's a lot to talk about. Too so much. Yeah. But,
yes, This is and and what we were talking about today is it's the end of the season which means you do kind of a postmortem. You look at what went well, what and went well. You do some of the paperwork for the next
season. Planning for next year. Discuss
possible trades. Trading players is a huge 1. Trading these kids to other teams. Yeah. Who you know, sending kids other countries who's gonna maybe get picked up by the majors, stuff like that. Now that's
interesting. We have deportation. Right? We we also have
had some interest from the majors. This is 1 of the first seasons in 1 time we've had the majors coming in space.
Guys stop by. We had scouts, which is
crazy. A little early for my I mean, listen, these kids these kids are 12:13 years
old. But you know you know when you when you see that stroke that they got it. They can knock it out of the park. They can pitch the 100 mile an hour.
They're starting early and early.
Have you seen a 12 year old throw a hundred mile pro fastball? It is incredible. It's unbelievable.
Yeah. I mean and, yeah, it does a lot of ligament damage to the kid's shoulders. You
know? But we're doing But with the steroids and the PT and stuff, I think they'll be okay. I think that'd be fine.
I like let's think about their families because these kids these kids need money. You know, it's tough It's a tough time. And these major league contracts are I mean, we're talking 60000 dollars
for
their first minor league season. I mean, yes. If I can guarantee my kid, a living wage -- Exactly. -- as early as possible. Of course, I'm gonna take it. And
if I can guarantee my kid's wage pays me, I'm definitely
gonna do it. Well, we do have a lot of because the majors are coming in. MLB is pre signed They're giving 60000 dollars, a hundred thousand dollars to these 12 year olds. And it's usually their their money's controlled by their parents, So we've got a lot of mimicking of child celebrity type of hey there.
A lot a lot of conservatorships or whatever are popping up which Right. But
this is a great opportunity,
tell you what I do. I take that hundred grand that's going to my son.
because I'll
Right? Because your son was select it. And
then I say, if son, this is gonna be yours when you're 18. Well, maybe 21. Maybe 25, something like that. Maybe 30 Which is crazy because
your son is very good at science. He's been tinkering around with the time machine in your garage for years. That that's crazy that he was he was given a I mean, he He can do both. Well, that's
the thing. A lot of people don't know, but if you don't pay attention to baseball these days, it's a lot about statistics. It's it's about many physics. It's not about, oh, can you run the bases anymore? It's about
what inventions do you
have? Yeah. Exactly. How can you make And they also
signed the old man, the old crazy man he hangs out with
you're the last Yeah. They signed doc. They signed doc as well for only 30.
Wow.
Oh, dog got full. Well, and I think
docs' money too.
Docs' I'm I took wonder. Oh, go ahead. I apologize. I just
tell Doc that he's young, and I'm gonna I'm gonna manage his money for him as well. It's in an investment account Hey,
your dad's not all this. You tell me he's young, he believes.
Yes? Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And this
kook is time travel. He can't if you got him in 1 time period, he gets because
makes
me wonder though that because they've been messing with this time machine. If we are living in some alternate reality or something like that,
that wasn't meant
to be because I don't remember being married to my sister. And then I woke up 1 morning.
I was like, hang on a second. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Why is my son so handsome and seemingly rich And now I'm married to a woman. I barely know.
I know too well.
Every yeah. And we all know Biff is kicking our ass every day. Every fucking day. Why is sometimes Biff the head umpire, and he's giving me shit and knocking me into a big truck full of poop. Right. And then why is sometimes biff the guy I'm trying to buy from at the snack bar,
and he pushes me into a different big pile of poop. I think there's 4 or 5 or 6 of me wandering around this town. I've gone back and forth
since I can't
keep up. Well And and because I watched I've watched back to the future, and I do not understand it. At all. I I don't know how many how many Mardi's there are. My my family can sit me down and slowly try to explain it to me over and over and over again. And then I hit play and I they have to hit pause again and I'm like, I'm lost. I just haven't I'm lost. Weird
new memories from the past. Is
that acceptable?
I have a memory of meeting my almost adult son when I was younger. Yes. What what was that conversation like? Hey, dad. What? I'll never have a baby.
I hate kids.
Right. What? Dad, that hurts my feelings. I don't know who you are. You dirty bitch. And then he's this is me talking to my son,
which I later And you're young
Yeah. He's funny. You're
in story.
easier. I have started being really nice to everyone because I got no idea who's my son anymore when they show I'm I'm and I'll make sorry. You my future son and daughter? Or
yeah. I don't know if we could put the toothpaste back in the tube. I've been trying to reverse I'll
actually tell you guys I don't know if
i get too pissed in my mouth, either. That's
what it was. Well, Emika, I caught yeah. We constantly you you push it out all over the bathroom counter and you try to stuff it back in the
tube. I use your
toothpaste as dirty
as hell.
i have trouble with my hands because I've been oiling them up and rubber banding them together like a glove.
Well,
You sit on your hand all night to give the crease. Sorry. You were into my mattress for almost 2 years. Yeah. Thank you for that. Can I ask though, how does it work? Does your hand work pretty well to catch
the ball? Well, I no.
You know what I heard It does look like a glove. I will say that, both. If
you're looking for a deeper quiz, you gotta take it and park it underneath your truck. Overnight, you put your hand on the ground, you
back your truck over
it. Maybe you put some shaving cream in there, a food.
gonna be honest with you right now. I I really want my hand to look like a glove. I'm so worried about get to run over by a truck. I put it through so much. Maybe I don't need my hands to work like gloves. True?
I'm just
Are you putting anything in your hand when you're doing it? You're putting a ball in or
yeah. I put a tennis ball in there. Sometimes a pool cue. Okay. Pull cue.
Wait. A pool cue. Why are you putting a pool cue in there? Because that then you're making a little sort of round, like, a sort of like your whole none to your whole none to, like, a lot of stick. Because at the bar, you
have to put coins in to get more balls, accuse you could take.
Oh, you steal them. Okay.
I've been noticing your guys' batting practice kinda struggling lately as well. Are you using queues for that too instead of bats?
Yeah. Well, bats are so pricey these days. So I'll just go to a bar and take all the pool and kiss the kids. It's steel. Oh, well, it's not stealing if it's for kids, I feel I feel.
That is true. That is true. Yeah. It's all for batting
practice. It's they they got the pool cues. And I'm pitching tennis balls that I've taken from the country club. And
it sounds nuts, but it's actually it's actually honestly, like, it makes sense if you think about it because the pool cue is a little thinner. You know, you get you're working on a hand eye coordination. It's kinda like a it's like if you're if you're It's a high altitude training. Exactly. It's high altitude training. You're making smaller you making the ball a little more bouncy? The thing is
now the kids will get to the plate and they'll line up to hit the ball go put their eye right behind the bed. They save. They save. They do an
occasional trick shot.
They say move to the umpire. They stand behind the catcher with the pulku on the catcher helmet.
And if the pitch is if the pitch's aim is good, the bats get hit right in the edge and knocking them in the fucking nose. Don't even
talk to me about these left these who walk up, put the stick behind their back.
It starts to lean over the face. Unbelievable.
But again, this is not pool, cute dogs. That was baseball.
We should get shit on everybody. I think, John.
We got wookie on top. What I would like to talk about is looking towards next season. Yes. 1 of the big changes this last season is much like the MLB
stuff.
Which is which is a good thing because as we all know, a lot of these kids can't go they took a which they took AAA what was I gonna say? This season has been pretty lax with sort of performance enhancers, but we have been trying to keep the the actual nuts and bolts of the
game the same. You can do whatever you want to your crazy body, make it freaky, make it weird, make it huge. But don't add things that are extra. Yes.
Yeah.
The rules the same, it's still ball bat glove. That's it. But your body is your canvas. And once
your son's team got rid of the pine tar, they never threw a strike again. Right? Right. It was only the games were all ended in the first inning as forfeits.
Yeah. Because here's the thing. It's like if you take the training wheels off for the first time, you're gonna run into the dumpster. It's just the way it works. It? That's that's the first time take
the train wheels off the bike. The train wheels. Well,
hey. If you take the train off if you take the wheels off the train, you're gonna end with a derailment and mass death. But in this scenario, in this scenario You all saying? Yeah. You all saying. But in this scenario, it's like, we got so used to the pine tar, and I had Sam Sam Marco
was a
lot of Marcos is in the south. Yeah. He seems to be the only last name that I know. Right. Marko. He he pitched the first game post Pine tar ban, and first inning 9 walks Yeah. He did put on the phone. 17
earned
runs. You
guys got home run rule, which was
tough. 10 run rules. Because We got 10 run rules first round, and it was we were like, can you at least at least let us get up to bat? The ums were like, we'll let the inning and we ended up getting 3 outs after giving up 42 runs And a lot of people on the stands would say, Oh, I think that those kids, they swung at those balls just to end the inning. They said the other team was just sort of they the coaches were saying swing and
everything. He also went Pineaedalus.
Yes. Because as everybody knows a lot of our players line where they stand in pine needles because they got they have collapsed arches, so they need a softer thing to stand on. Right. Right. Yes. So we've gotten rid of all the pine needles as well. So all my kids were uncomfortable. All my kids were
uncomfortable. Dogs were barking. Which was
stuff. The dogs were barking the whole game. And so we go into the bottom of the first inning, 42 to nothing, I send up it's 3 of 3 down games over, which was really demoralizing for my team. Hersy rule. Yeah. And this is the very definition of the Mercy rule. And
you guys in the dugout, you
went Pine Solis? That's right. Because as you as everybody knows That's what was the dugout. The the the Morgan twins are allergic to solvents or, like, sort of chemical solvents. They're dirty kids. Yeah. They're dirty kids, so they can't use soap, they can't use detergents of any kind. So Pinesol, which is how we cleaned the concrete in the dugout. We couldn't using the season. Of course, mopping up the concrete with
drying stuff. Working my ass to keep that outdoor concrete clean.
Yes. It's so tough. Hey,
i I well, I commend you for showing those kids that failure has no bottom. Yeah. You could continue to fail worse and worse and just keep feeling it. You can't
run away from it. The lesson I'm hoping that these kids learn is if you fail enough, give up. Don't keep trying for this thing that ain't gonna work out for you. I think that's a lesson perfect
example because you were trying to be with your family to just saying that you're friends.
Yeah. Yeah. You know?
You gave up on that family. I've
given up if you look at my track record and every decision every opportunity for a decision to be made in my life, I've taken the road the road of least resistance. When you
told your son and daughter, you just wanted to be friends, that was especially to the road
of least resistance and most avoidance. Well, that's
what some people are saying. But I say you you're going on a road of least resistance and most avoidance, but you're still running into problems. Because you
moved up to a cabin in the woods by yourself and only come back for the Saturday baseball game?
I do that. Yeah. If if if the roads are open. I mean And so you won't guarantee that you've been Who knows if there's a little much slide and a tree falls over to the woods.
Oh, and there's definitely gonna be a little mudslide if it's you.
Well, hey, let's not talk about it. Much side. You look and laugh at all my little
sweet, milky
liquor drinks. I'll see you at the snack bar argue and say, I know there's a bottle of corn syrup. They
study you at lactate.
Right? Mhmm. They do. They do.
They study your stomach.
art of you at Lacma. That's true. Yes. True. Because your stomach is technically a cow.
Yeah. And there's
Is that true? Well, I do have 3
stomachs. Your stomach is technically a cow.
And and the doctors think what may have happened is as a as a young child, There's no record of this, but they didn't get in the hospital. Somebody was doing some freaky experiments. Right. And as you were a baby. Yeah. As I was a baby. And a doctor who was also a farmer, decided how to see if I can make if I can make This was doctor Merot. Right? Uh-huh. You know?
Doctor Merot? Yeah. He worked with Kevorkia. Right.
Oh, wow. Okay. So
so now is the in some sort of free experience, your stomach is a cow. They took and and the weird thing is, there's this cow I've
met. Before when I did a local did a local tour. Oh,
yeah. That cow was following you around.
A cow was following you around. And this cow every time somebody offered it food, if there was a sauce on it, it was like, no. I can't no. I don't want that. It wouldn't eat it wouldn't eat fish. It didn't like
vegetables. With the fish?
It didn't like vegetables. And
sometimes your mom brings you to another cow and just has you sit around them and be like, You should get to know this cow a little bit. She's
never really
explained why. It's
basically your stomach meeting is father, and they have an awkward meetup.
I mean, that's what some are saying. I don't see it. I don't think I look
or add anything to the subject. Well, it's nature
nurture. Sure. Were you born from half genetics of a cow?
Yes. Yes. But you
were raised as a boy who didn't know he was half a cow. Exactly.
And listen,
this isn't this
isn't the geneticist lounge or anything, so we should probably get back. I think we should get back to the topic. If you wanna hear genetics, this lounge, you can subscribe to our Patreon.
Yes. Well, we talk about things, genetic engineering, and manufacturing --
yeah. -- to
create some sort of army of amazing animal people something we're all
working on.
Right. I have an Aardvark's shoulders. Which is why my body goes straight down.
again, we'll say Classic aardvark shape. Who used that as a tease? Save a bit. 1 thing I wanna talk about going forward this season is my son's team, they stunk it and I'm trying to figure out a nice way to get rid of some of the Duds on the team, you know. Right. Because you can't trade them. You could maybe trade them for cash but there's no way you're gonna get a play to play a trade there. No. And I'm wondering, you know, I'm trying to be more honest with these kids. I obviously scream whatever I want from the bleachers. Good. But I'm wondering how to do that? I don't know if you guys have had any experiences being honest with this.
But
Can I make a suggestion? Absolutely. To me, it is tough because like you said, you can't move the players. What about working them harder? Work the players harder so they're in better shape, put them through a physical mental strain. I'm
not the coach ya'll. I'm just in the bleachers, and I can call the coach at all hours of the night, which I do. But you know, at the end of the day I could tell them to work them but how can I get these kids out you, you know? It's just a bleacher bomb.
I think you gotta do the classic treat them bad until they make the choice for themselves.
Yeah. Gaslight Oh. You
treat them bad, you tell them you tell them when they say, how did I do? You say, and then you make them feel like there's something wrong, you don't bring it up and you wait
for them. Bring up the conversation finally.
Maybe give them some brochures of other things that might be interesting.
That's good. Just leave them these brochures
around. You
distraction brochures. Yeah.
don't even have to say
Do they have basketball brochures around town, like kayaking or something like that? Yeah.
Kaiac would be good. I've seen some of your kids. They're not, they don't like baseball.
No. They don't like baseball, obviously, they got oars.
Have you thought about the Lulli in them?
Oh, you're talking about taking a
because they're skating. They
start to skate.
Taking a shot to the knee on him. Taking a shot to the knee on him. Wow. That's a big choice being violent towards a kid just to
get them off my teeth. I didn't say I condone it, I was
just saying. No. It's also I mean who amongst us in the late hours of the night can't get to sleep and is trying to think of solutions for you. Kids little league team to be better, I thinks. Well, I'm gonna I'm some of the bad kids. My go But but the knees or something like that.
My go to, with any situation is a galooloo. Sports
enough. That's right. You
galoolied the guy at McDonald's that said the machine was down.
Screen machine? I am kind constantly ripping a tire iron out of my trunk and going in and
golly. You were keeping the tire iron
the ski mask so
and
it could be good. And you are obsessed with McDonald's ice cream. So you use it every night. And every
night, it's broken. I love a watery vanilla treat. But yeah. No. But I don't just go in and beat the shit out of people's knees. I infiltrate their life. I find out who was running the ice cream sheen.
Yes. It's psychopathic a little bit when you do
that. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But, I mean, as you'll notice, most of the employees at McDonald's are wearing a knee because they've wronged me from time to time. That
mcDonald's is very hard to get your food quickly. Definitely, all the night staff.
All the night shift is wearing
knee braces. Absolutely. Absolutely.
Some of them, you'll see 2 if you're lucky.
But they they're running a tight ship now. Show there a little slow on the draw, but
that machine is always in biz. Yeah. The coffee's hot. Well, home run, I know you've been having trouble get getting these players gone, and it does seem like you're stuck with them.
Yeah. So Is
it possible to do some late night injections? Chins, give them some points, but they're not paying attention. Right. Right. Just got 3. Houses
and put and and shoot testosterone Testosering, decalogue. Decalog, shooting something into their bodies so they don't even know. Now that's a really good idea.
What were sports stats? Right? We gotta teach them how to do it, how to live, how to compete, how to become who you wanna be. And you gotta make sure you eat right
when you do these drugs. You know, you can't just do the drugs and not change your diet.
You know, so you need to I need to be
That's right.
protein, high carb, high sugar, high fructose corn syrup. This guy eat a lung. Yeah. In a minute.
high
So you're saying inject them and then leave a little menu by them. So, like,
kinda, like, stuff to eat. Hey. Send to the diner. Just send him a designer. Definitely. I am
protective of my family. If I saw a man, you know, if a man you saw when a man disciplined my son in public for running a restaurant was right. Yeah. Your
son got spanked by another man, which is a big
no. Well, and let's not forget. I mean, it really is. That man got into an altercation.
But that's But You gotta make by that man's son. Let's not forget.
Let's not You
guys get across multiply of spam. A lot
people are saying this seems extreme, but let's not forget that your son was throwing rocks at cars from the over Your son deserved this banking from
another man.
No. No? If anyone's gonna spank my son, it's gonna be me or his brother. That's what we do in the family. Well,
then let's be fair. You did deserve to spanking from the other man's son,
at least. Yes. Well Oh, yeah. He cheeked he read it up. Your cheeked bad. He
cheeked you up. He cheeked
you up bad. I was out with a couple friends, and then we all got quiet. And they had to call their moms to pick them up because it was so weird after this. I got spanked in front of them. Yeah. He wasn't ready to bear the weight of what he did to you. No. You know, the moment you see your friend getting spanked is a real tough moment for anybody in a friend group. You gotta go do I keep hanging? Do I pull the n n 64 back up? I honestly We got a couple more rounds of bonding, and then they called their mom to pick them up and go home.
Yeah. I had to leave that whole I felt like there was a weird spanking coming on, and I didn't want it to go from adult to adult.
Yeah. Yeah. The the spank chain could have rushed.
Spank chain. The Spain came around our town the other week. Well, because we
we we have a phone tree for the parents when the kids or or something happens. And the kids have think, Jane, from this this adult
yeah. Yeah. So I was
just thinking make
mister and missus Williams kids, and then they're kids favorite thing is when 1 of these kids is flaky though. They miss someone in the line and then hooof. I'm off the spanking
phone. Yes. You kinda like you you kinda try to be quiet. Don't make eye contact and see if they or you pretend your butt hurts. Like, you already got spanked and they think you got your once already. Oh, yeah. No. Alright. I got the message. I
mean, I don't know about you guys, but I'm wearing 20 pairs of underwear right now. Just in case the chain comes my way. I could tell. It did. I was I didn't wanna ask, but I was I got no shoulders and up high, and
i looked like Wilson's daddy. And you you look like I'll say it. On the bottom, you look almost like a mascot. You
know what I mean? Yes. Your body is bulked up. Yes. Yes. I got a thick trunk down here like the Philadelphia Phil. Yeah. Yeah. I don't well, I'm glad
to hear that. I thought you were wearing adult diapers, so I'm glad it's just
no. I don't do that shit no more. I'm too my pants.
So
you do do potty.
Well, yeah. I still got the problem, but I don't wear that shit
anymore. Why is it embarrassing?
Yeah. It's just humiliating. Oh, I'm taking care of my incontinence.
I don't need diapers. I just go. I'm gonna
go. So, like, you can either, like, get make sure there's plastic on your couch or don't invite
me over because I'm gonna go. Yeah. I'll shitting every I'll shitting continents. I'll shitting all 7 of them. It's
what you'd be said.
I'm so tired. I mean, It's
a tired of everybody else's
judgement. Right? I think you're also so tired because I think you're sick. I think what happens happens when you You definitely have
gut bacteria problems.
Yeah. They're studying my gut. My gut is a petri dish. As you guys know,
it's a
little flat glass piece of runaway bacteria.
Sadly, they zoomed in a little too much last time. They're looking at you got, and they got a little crack in
there.
Yeah. Yes. Someone they zoomed just a little too much on the microphone.
Yes. Yeah. They oh, yes. They cracked my gut. I had some sort of, like, septic issues going through
that's tough.
Yeah. No. I mean, the city was studying me because actually my body was a beautiful diagram for a perfectly run sewer system. So I got paid by the government for
that. And what was really cool about that is Mayor came in and you played a little of your body as a diagram while they were doing
yeah. It's a whole city cut off. The mayor did daily. The mayor.
Well, d mayor.
body is a diagram. Yes. The mayor John mayor came in, and he said he's gonna run through the halls of my and and
Yeah. Your
he
should have done. I'm gonna run through the halls of your weird stool.
Yes. But then he he did he was slow dancing in my burning butthole, but lesser known And
screaming at the top of your lungs?
Yes. And Look, if you don't know John Mayor's songs, early nineties Nintendo games. Yeah. And and wrestlers
come on. Did I hear this correctly? The singer is about to do a new album with poo poo king.
Oh, yes. I thought it was beepy king, but it's poo poo king. Oh, yeah. Poo pooaking. Yes. That'll be that'll be real poo.
It could have been pee peeking. Yeah. He's gonna play the pooze. With poo poo key. Oh, wow. Yeah. Play in the pooze. I don't love when people say that certain people can't play the pooze.
Right. Everybody a
pooze. Everybody everybody everybody goes
to pooze.
Yes. But anyway Oh, yeah.
This
isn't this isn't the the bathroom lounge either, so we should the bathroom lounge is all of our other podcasts. Yeah. Unless the country on The bathroom lounge is
literally
everything we've ever recorded.
Wibs. I wanna talk about I I do wanna talk about looking forward. Yeah. I spent so much of my life looking backward, you know. I started a bunch of used car dealerships just based on the fact that I got traded so many times in the air that Guinness gave me an award. I used that fame, you know. Yes. I've been living in my past as an MLB player. And I wanna live in my future. Yes. As well, that's what I'm trying to figure out with my guys. Right now, what's my future? I'm loud. I don't know if that's anything. But I I wonder what you guys are doing about looking towards the future. I I would like to go from the bleachers to actually third base coaching 1 of these teams --
wow. -- pitching coach 1 of these teams. Really?
Well, what if you started And this is just a pitch, throw it away, downsize it, whatever you gotta do. What if you started? Well, throwing away a pitch is 1 of my expertise. Sorry. Go ahead. Here we go. What if you started by doing the announcements at the game, no microphone. Oh, yeah. Use your voice -- Use it. -- coming up to bat. This
kid learned the names. Right. Well, that's why it'll be tough for me because I mispronounce everyone's name. Easy or hard. I mispronounce it. And I make a meal of it. Yes. I was homie for a while. I was homie run. And that happened. The second you became a dad, isn't that right?
The second you became a dad, you couldn't pronounce anybody's name?
I couldn't pronounce anybody's name. And no matter how much you told me, I would push back, not care, and no longer back. Yeah. It's almost like being
a dad, it's used your bad behavior because you could just be like, hey, I can't I can't keep up with anybody's name or be nice. You
want me you
want
me to learn your friend's name. And then on top of that, you want me to know who he is and what he does
and then you know him? Oh, so you want me to met you want me to show up to the things you do and make a living?
It's I'm sorry. I thought we were talking about my thing. Yeah.
So yeah. But I I could do that maybe. And if okay with me getting the names wrong and I could do some game time announcements and you know if if it was a strike I'd say. Because
i think trust -- Blow it. Right? Because a lot of times, people don't trust you around the baseball field because you were supposed to be pitching and you would only be giving up home runs. Yeah. People don't know that you're gonna do what you say.
So maybe
if you start with the announcements, then you can work your way towards the third base. I'm
worried about you being on third only because you loved to wave people.
I mean, what's a more fun energy? And I excitedly put your arms around. Well, you heard your show. Yes. I put I threw my shoulder out waving kids home, but I Out of your body. On top of just pop out. It hit home plate. Yes. My shoulder went up. My shoulder went slid into
hoe
and was safe. You
waved somebody
home the other day when the when there was basis loaded walk. I believe Which was not the energy. I
wait. I was up. I was jumping up and down. And not only do I wave everyone home, but everyone slides if they're coming into third.
Yes. So III point out
for a slide, and then I wave you home. I said, get up to Hong Kong. Well, I'm worried because, like, no only you you you make people get down at third, you send people home at third, but when you were the first base coach in your early twenties, you had them get down on a walk.
Yes. Yeah. Get down. Just give me that. On a walk down. Yeah. So no but you if you're But I
think you should get back out
there. If I'm
base coach on a team, your uniform's gonna be filthy.
a
Yes. You love using oxiclean
after a game. 30 steam? You guys did win dirty steam. You did win dirty steam?
You were dirty Thank
you for acknowledging that. Yes. So my my son's team was dirtiest team this year. Which we were very proud of. We did it for for good luck. We never washed our jocks all season. Oh, that's smart. Thank you. And did you did you notice a luck runoff? Well, a lot of kids ended up get having to leave for a medical. A lot of kids living them having fungus issues. Yes. Yes. You know, RIP, little Michael's penis. Not only did you not wash them, they didn't take them off all season. No. Well, yeah, some of them didn't, which was their fault. I I never said that.
So Unifin is The funeral that from Middle Mike's penis.
Yeah. Almost the victory. The funeral was so beautiful that it was almost the victory and how we all learned I
shook his mother's head and I said, I'm almost glad he lost his penis. This is so beautiful.
It was beautiful, open gasket of course. Yeah. He's doing good. He's doing good. Yeah. It's a penis funeral.
Yeah. It's
just this little penis funeral. Which, hey, let's not judge everybody in this room is at a penis
view. I'm gonna be honest. I was a little surprised that that it was because it's always weird when you go to a penis and you're like, oh, 1 circumcised. You know what I mean? Like Oh, young boys. Because it's a
viewing.
Yes. Why I don't love that we have to walk by and pay our respects to a young boy's penis.
I don't love it at all. I
just don't love it
at all. And I don't love home room that you kiss it on the
head. Well, the mom did. I was
so I was overcome
with grief. I was overcome with grief. She was You were arrested. You were arrested.
Yes. I was arrested,
and they do not take well to that behaviorist person. And now you have to introduce people to you in your neighborhood or whatever. What do you explain? Most people understand
well, it was a and, again, for free because they sound it weird. This was a beautiful,
beautiful You cannot just listen up And what makes this okay is that it was a beautiful
funeral.
I I remember I ended up I ended up sending a bouquet of flowers to the what's the to the to the boil? To the corner.
To the
not the corner. The boil The
moyles are working double Well, usually, you don't work this time. Usually
usually, you can bring his small scissors. This time you have to bring the whole kit and kaboodle. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. And he does work out of a kim kim
kim kim kim kim kim kim kim
kim kim kim kim kim kim kim kim kim kim kim kim kim kim kim kim Of course, getting caboodle merged with bugles.
Yes. You wear the caboodle on your finger
and it's pointing.
It's typical, that's a good communeagle.
But, you know, yeah, I'm trying to look to the future because I want my son to be proud of Now he's got a loud dad. So what bring your parent to school day.
A loud dad at the baseball field, you can be sure he's proud of Absolutely.
Absolutely. That's right. Everybody gets
you and you alone. He's gonna love
that. Yeah. That's fine. You scream. Let the
boys play. Let them play. I can't believe these, I'm still let them play. Well, these ups these ups are calling unnecessary roughness.
calling fouls. And you guys gotta listen
Yeah. They're
to let them play. On our Patreon where we just talk shit about umpires. Yeah. 2, 3 hours.
Let them play as great. We get you next episode we get into what we think about instant replay. I give you a hint. Let them play. Let
them play.
But, yes, we have I don't know if we're done with this, but as you were mentioning, we've all had funeral.
Oh, yeah. Go back. Let's go back to it. Yeah. We, of course, have been to our own penises funerals. And, you know, I had mine cremated, and spread it at the Keep it.
They have a great place out back. That is dedicated My penis is favorite bar. I wanted to be spread at bikinis. So I went in there and dusted out
the stage. Not surprising. The amount
of dust. Not the vlogs because a lot of people have their people
that Supposedly
a lot of people. Not a voluntary spreading.
A lot of people both lose their penis and have the asher spread because of bikini Yes.
Yes. Yes.
Oh, beautiful. It's a beautiful ceremony. Beautiful. It's
sorry, folks. We had to pause and just think about the beauty of Sprint. Yeah. This is amazing. This is beautiful. It's beautiful.
But I don't know. What do you feel is looking forward to for the next season? I know, you know, Doug, I think it'll be exciting for the next season. Now you can finally fit a hat on your head. Oh, yes. Yes.
I'm excited to go back to my old hat. As you guys know, I have fitted Stetsons, did 1 1 right now is sitting up way high on my
head because
i looked like that muppet or or maybe Sesame Street character got the big triangle
ahead. Was swelling for the last 2 years.
Oh, yes. I swole up in the warehouse too while I was waiting on because I was eating bugs and rats and stuff that were around the bottom of the floor. And rats? Yeah. It was really awesome when I got when I started barbecuing the rats and eating nuts.
Yeah. You were on that show alive and you didn't even know it. Right? Yeah. You were trying to sell and you you won. You sold mine for 3 years. A bunch of people tap out around 40 days.
Yes. That's true, which I did. I mean, through my learning of how to eat rats. I did open that rat restaurant, which everybody's loving. The rat race. Love rhett.
What I love about that is you can pick your rat out of the
well, if they do, that's the fun thing. That's the fun thing. You can pick your rat of the them swimming around an aquarium.
Which rat looks most delicious. And then I've got their feet tied up in little rubber bands.
And and, yeah, you it's I mean, that's we're
talking
about The mouths, you
should be tying up. It's the mouths. It's what people
oh, yeah. People are getting bit. People get blank. Yes. Oh my god. Yes. The 19 twenties in my restaurant right
now. When was
the little no. No. There was a bubonic plate.
There was a
bubonic plate outbreak. The 19 tonys, people don't really 19 tonys. It was it was
in the 19 Tony scene. Yes. So you got a little prohibition, little by a rat plane. Well, a
lot of people, like, the plague was over. It's like, there was kept going. It was finally
done You ain't gonna get rid of that. Well, I think in the off season, there's a there's obviously a lot of personnel changes, things like that me, 1 of the biggest things is the physical space, I really think we need to fix the hole in the fence. And I guess I'm saying that because put it there. Mhmm. So I it's on my mind. Right.
You're constantly reminded of your mistake every time you look out in the center for
out the backup cam on your car yet? No. No. See, I thought it would I would save some time by bringing the equipment down to the field -- Mhmm. -- instead of 1 bag at a time, I'll just back down the hill and dump it, you know
you figured
have
what? Right. But I missed You're the equipment guy. You got that. The helmets, the bat, Yes.
The whole shebang.
And you've never gotten in the right gear you wanna go in. Right? I'm awesome. It's always reverse when you're trying to go
forward Well, I've started reverse. So you can't drive great
you can't drive good? You
don't stay dry. Okay.
Yeah. Wow.
Well, I just thought you guys are fine
forward. Right. But the back, you said, like, Sam weatherman is unreliable.
And I went right through the fence with the truck. Well
you ended up getting a backup cam that was like more of a French new wave. Right? So it's kinda hard to follow sometimes in what's cut forward.
White. Sometimes it isn't in sync. You know
what I mean?
The sound is different
from right. There's like train showing up in it a lot.
I love these new special director's editions, backup cams, but I think you just got 1 that you're having a lot of trouble with. It's been screwing me all
over again.
9 only has pictures of feet. My backup came.
You got the Tarantino 1. Yes. I got I got the James Gunn 1. And it comes with it it comes with an inanimate or an inanimate object or a thing that doesn't normally talk that only says single word phrases. That's funny. Yeah. So my my it it shows a picture of my spare tire and my spare tire says, change me over
and over again. Not helpful not helpful as a backup cam.
No. No. No. Because it's looking underneath my trunk where the spare tire is, So it's not even looking in the right
direction? I was just triggered by change me. Yeah. You don't get triggered by I've got a big dirty right now. I've I've spit out of dirty.
I thought I smelled some shit in the room. I guess it's in your 20 pairs of drawers.
Yeah. I tried to keep it as contained as possible. Well,
it's coming up a since you're not wearing a shirt, it's kinda coming up around your mids
this Let's try it.
The image continues to be created. 20 piece underwear no shirt, shoulders, but not hard work.
And and Well, I cracked the music. I got a cracked
petri dish
for Yes. And then I'm like, boy, no penis. That's right.
Am I the only 1 here who still has his penis? Yeah. Yeah.
Wow. Yeah. For now, you know? Make sure every day you show your love to your penis because you never know when it's gone.
Cheers. I never
know. You never know. When did mine die, first night in my marriage. Metaphorically, physically, it got taken off 6 months
late. Excuse me. Excuse you. You that was your heart monitor. Yeah. That was my part. Your arm monitor has he's kind of like that spike movie with the with the with and a computer. I'd
love to ask the fans today for a super cut of Doug trying to think of movies. I think that's the fourth 1
today. Her. Your heart's like her. Right? Yes. Yes. My heart needs to be constantly monitored by a computer. Or else it stops. I guess my brain doesn't do the automatic function. But
you've fallen in love with your heart's voice. Right?
Of course. She's looking over me every day. Of
course. Yeah. God. The first woman that woman that was nice to you that didn't ask much in return.
Nothing. She asked nothing she monitors my heart every day which my wife will not No. I asked her to walk around with a stethoscope, make sure I'm okay 24 7, she said, it's a little match, Han. 24
7, you want your wife walking around with this script just listening to your
heart. And you debriefing?
Oh, I gotta debrief. I go, yeah. Now,
that's the thing we've all gotten into is transcendental rotation.
Yes. It is. My god. Yes. I think we
should excuse you. I'm
sorry. I when I'm talking about t m, my mantra comes right out, and that's what it was. I thought you're not supposed say it, but that's my mantra right there.
Oh, my gosh. I love where you -- Yes. -- you you your mausoleum, no. You're a Is
this a movie
you're trying
to think of? Yeah. Rosalia, man. Modalia man. Your the place where you meditate right next to those trees with pollen. My
ashram? Yes. Yes. Yes. My ashram is in a very polyony area. I wonder if there's not your mantras and more sneezes. Oh, boy. Well, I don't know. I mean, does your mantra make you the center of attention? Do something really loud and freak you out a little?
Who taught you your mantra? Because you had to you had to be taught t f Right? So who gave you your mantra?
It was my yogi, sergeant pepper.
Yeah. And how does his process work?
Well, he blows a little, I guess, dust on you. I don't know what it is and -- Right. -- and then yeah, whatever comes out when the dust hits you is your mantra.
Whoa. My mantra is singing karaoke badly. That's fine. Annie
karaoke. Any karaoke key. Well, that
brings you down deep into your medical
opinion. Yes. Singing it, not in a private room, but, like, in a bar atmosphere. Screaming it. That, wow. And that relaxes you. Oh my god. It relaxes me and everybody around me because they're all they're so relaxed. They go home. Yeah. I and and the good thing is no matter what character you sing, it's not
gonna be good. It doesn't have to be a hard song. You just struggle with keeping on beep. Are you tone deaf? I'm yes. I am tone deaf. I
you can't clap on beat, which is very frustrating. It's so frustrating, and I can't follow that little ball that goes from word to word. I get nervous. I'm n nauseous.
And follow. Well, so sometimes you put your face right up in the screen and try to
see if it falls apart. Climb up on a ladder to the ceiling mounted TV, and I put my nose on the ball. Yeah.
When you do karaoke, you kinda look like a dog who just saw a horse on TV.
I look exactly like that. I look just like yeah. I'm barking at it. I'm trying to bite the screen. You're wagging your little tail. Yes. And I am fully close
to God in that moment. And
remember folks, he does have a tail peeking out of those 20 brief Yeah, folks. So my spinal cord grew out the bottom, and now I have
a tail. But these steroids are great, by the way. It's not about that. Your episodes
Cliff, what's your Marty? Cliff?
are good.
My
what's your name first? Clint. Cliff? Yes. Wait. What's your mantra?
My mantra is to go, oh,
be a inquisitive. Because consider everything. You
know what I mean? Right. Yeah. I've taken a yoga class with you and there's a lot of consideration, you barely get into a pose, man. Well, they
tell me to get into these posts. I go, should I A lot of the
teachers think you're being judgmental. Yeah. Then when they're when they're
into downward dog, you're like, they're like, what?
saying, get
Is that what I should get into? I I end up spending most of the time doing the pencil. Which is standing there looking around straight.
And you ask to play that little tiny piano they play. Right?
Whatever this
thing is, this second according piano.
I said, yeah, I could do the poses. Or what if I played this tiny electric piano?
Yeah. And, of course, if we're in a yoga class, together, you're rocking on the piano. I'm hitting that little I
will say our yoga classes are the most musical 1.
That's right.
And I'm pumping in steam. I bring in I bring in the sewer system. Sort of that steam.
Sticky steam. Stinky body steam. Every
yoga you do is hot yoga because you're in the room. It's putting off steam.
Yes. I'm putting off steam like a big, orange, tube in New York in January
that we see in On the manholes. The thing's covering the
manhole? Yes. Exactly. Like that. Letting the
steam off. How how I wanna know what your my my
mantra is. You're exactly right, Hal. Oh,
nothing down. No to think about it now. Yeah.
Because it because I find if I don't if I'm I'm a I'm a a person who could second guess himself. You know? Right. I maybe don't I'm maybe not out. People say it doesn't seem like that's actually the way to do it. It seems like you're a person who's just like, you think you're right. No. No. No. No. No. I promise you, before I make a definitive statement, I am definitely mulling it over forever. I am not making a choice immediately to avoid the difficult work of deciding what's best and what's worse. I What do you wanna have for lunch? What You're exactly right, Hal.
Chicken. Whoa. Okay. That word is chicken. No. He's chicken. Who knows he wants chicken? He wants chicken. Yeah. Well, we better put that order in so they start raising the get hatching the eggs and getting
going on. Yeah. I know. Well, that's really insane. I'm glad you don't like beef a lot because your stomach would be
honestly, you guys, I feel like we we almost didn't do any work today. We just had fun on the bottom. Yeah.
Yeah. This was
which was nice.
We do have to start recording all of our Patreon's right now. That's
right. Yeah. We we do batch records. So by the third 1, it's gonna suck.
If you're on the Patreon, get ready. We're dropping 6 the episodes this week. It should be a great time.
Yeah. Maybe, you know, we know each has mantras. We could end on a little meditation for everybody just to encourage it because it's been so helpful. For us -- Yeah. -- to do a little 1. What
do you think? Yeah? Yeah.
Alright.
You're exactly right, pal.
Actually don't know if I would do that. You are exactly right, hell. That's interesting. Yep. Joe tie my name. I'll be done at all. Don't worry, you're exactly right. Know this town that have never come on. Paws me in my head. And call me. Copy that joy.