Can we just do just do some regular levels? Give me a like, you know, 1 of those classic TV sort of tongue twisters.

The Pfizer Geyser never stops. Alright. So the Pfizer Geyser never stops. Yeah. 1 more time? Pfizer Geizer never stops. The money flows like water.

Nice.

And just want full volume, big volume? Pfizer Geizer.

Okay. This morning, the kindergarten caught on fire.

Okay.

Not

really. Don't twist or anything. They're just kind of the same

this morning, a kindergarten was was set on fire. I

think it's really good inflection. This

morning, I set a kindergarten class on fire. You've

changed it every time. It made it more about

this morning, I sought out a kindergartner to light up in flames.

Okay. Is this true, Bill? No.

Okay. I'm testing the microphone.

Okay. You never know what you're gonna say. You wanna hear it all. Alright.

You think I'm gonna

flame up a 7 year old? I mean, 4, kindergarten. 07:00 on the dot. Hey. Okay.

Alright. Todd hit me with it.

50 famished feminists fed on flavorful vaginas.

No. Oh, dang. Tahida.

Tahida. Stop. No. I'm like, what? Gosh. Guess I was trying to think of an f word that wasn't filthy.

I y'all to do regular 1. So you said Faginas. Just do a TV 1, you know. You look New York. 1 of those,

you know, say what do you mean the TV word? New

york is not unique. It's a full time. Authentic

new York. Authentic New York.

You know what I mean? She's ice of pie on a busy street. Yes. Yes. Trash truck in the morning early, authentic, New York. Staying out so late that you're up with all the trash. Yeah. Shicked into thinking, the city is awesome because you've been there and gotten so dirty.

Being too scared to order what you want because everyone in line is mean to you.

Never catching up with the pace of the city and getting told about it everywhere I go.

Alright. You wanna put

on headphones

and let me do 1 real quick? Alright. Yes. Sexy single seek. Okay. Hey, Jesus. Jesus.

Maybe turn it down or something. Sorry. Sorry. I got sick. Sexy single seek Okay. Oh, no.

Let him do his levels. Let him do his levels. And don't read your profile posts. Okay. Okay? Alright.

I'll do them eyes closed. Sexy singles seek out sensational, sexual sin

sinners. That sounds good. Your levels look good to me.

That sounds like a serial killer trying their best -- Hey. -- to get a date.

Well, it is. These as I was actually reading the lyric sheets from Craig Crown's album, he he he gave them to it. But, hey, we'll get into it. Right. We should get the episode started. You ready to do

it? Please kick it. 00I mean, Pounce, belt, belt teachers.

Wow. Should we do a new theme where we actually play, smoke on the water or whatever song we're Small. Oh, wait. It's not even put

on the water. That was smoke on the water. Oh, it is. Yeah. That's it.

Well, it's gonna sound terrible to me. Fire

in the kindergarten. Yeah.

But Uh-oh. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another episode of The Teachers Loans, the First Best and only podcast pertaining to issues relevant to the Hamilton High School community. I, of course, am Howard Levis, your biology teacher. And also, Stuart of the Arts in a more direct way than

oh, Stuart.

Yes. You

guys remember Stuart?

Don't -- Mad

on. That was funny.

-- sure. You guys know you guys know this is a bad point for me. You know Let's do it what's based on you. Well,

stuart was based Michael McDonald saw you in base Stewart and

michael Mcdonald

stuart's mom.

Michael Mcdonald and I. And

the Zima guy rest a lot of mad TV based on Howard. Matt

tV. They just brought you into the mad TV writers room, and they would study Right? Well,

yes. And Michael McDonald and I also are childhood friends.

Wow. That must have been hilarious. Because in the

groundlings, they they when you go into the classes there, they say, who's somebody insane from your real life that you can base this character on? So they say, like, we're we're basing it on this person -- Right. -- Michael McDonald missed a

lot of people McDonald's on you. He actually thankfully, last time I saw him, he did apologize.

Oh, that's In character. Right? That's doing you. I don't know if I bought you. But so that apology was a little tainted. Because he was back in. He was killing coming into a sneeze guard -- Yeah. -- on a buffet going Oh, I'm sorry. Oh. My Collins Ericures for his mom. I

did actually go I got tickets to see a mad TV taping because as you problems. As you all know, I got tickets to see a mad TV taping, and I just

sorry.

Sorry. Sorry.

It's okay. It's weird show. And

that's the last time I saw Michael, he was he was surprised to see He went to a Medi TV

tV. Oh, with a vendetta.

Well, not a vendetta. Just, you know A

barreta. Well, no. I didn't I did not have a gun, too. I heard you held up a gun, and you said this is a beretta vendetta. Is that not true?

I well, I'll say this. I had a gun, but it wasn't. It wasn't. I wasn't there. Yeah. Yeah. You would say this. You had it again. I wasn't there to hold up the TV show. It was literally just protection As you guys all know, MTV does tape in New York City.

Of course. We all knew that. And I was and I was How much would they get already? And

i'm terrified of rats. Yeah. And so I did when I went to New York, I did get a gun to

so you pack in New York to fight off the maps. You hold. I hold. I strap up in New York. When all

the this was when all fire shootings were happening in New York.

Okay. Where And again, I wanna get out of in front of this because the students found the article about this and they plastered it all over the school. Uh-huh. The misfire shootings in New York were not all me.

Right. We're the misfire again? Well, it

was some somebody in New York was trying to shoot rats and ended up shooting a lot of civilians because they had that aim, I think, you know.

No. It's because I was laying down on a park bench, and the gun went off. Well,

you have to do the scope thing. How else are you gonna get a good aim? I agree with you. You lay

down. You were holding both eyes open. You gotta close 1. And look Well,

as you guys know, I I forewent the the training seminars because I didn't have time. And right, you're in a hurry. I was in ready to train it. You're

in a hurry to get some bad TV with you.

Yeah. Guys, again, I take this training. I'm on my way to shoot up Matt TV. Well, how was it for sure? You said hold up, Matt TV. Do they have, like, a change drawer? What's

going on? I was not there to hold it up them up is what I say. Uh-huh. I wasn't trying to. The

gun -- pushed it. -- fell out

of my pocket. While I was getting up to get my single slice of pizza that they give you if you're there for life for the tape. Taping, and the gun fell out.

Bobby leased all the gun. Well, here was the hard thing. Is these guys and gals stay in character? And so they were trying to describe Some

of the best.

That some of the best method sketch acting. And so they're trying to describe the man with the gun in the audience that they couldn't find him because

all they do Well, they knew everything. Which was I mean, there was a certain actor there who was trying to explain to the cops what the guy with the gun looked

like. Right? And we won't say, everybody knows everybody knows. Everybody knows.

Well, I will say that -I will say that - -I will say that -

-I will say that the description, she knew the gender. Yes. She knew Yes. She wasn't sure, but she knew he looked like.

And very positive. Very positive. Yeah. Absolutely.

Barry.

It was a rough time. But to bring it a full perfect circle -- Uh-huh. You are a steward of the arts now,

is what you were saying.

I am. I am. I have I have sort of decided, you know, to put my sort of interest in the arts and everything. It's a good use, and I have been helping Craig Crown. As you all know, he's releasing an album under alias Chris Crown.

Right. This is the crown of Thor and serial killer who's in prison and is the only alumni that we know of of Hamilton that has credited you for their sense? Yes.

Yes. And they took his Nick they took his name away because they take all serial killers' names away when

once they do it. But he has been I I you know, you can't you can't let a person's actions taint the way that you look at their art. As you guys all know, Some of the greatest artists of all time are disgusting.

Conping this. And you can

support the art without supporting the artist. And it's Right.

Here Okay.

If you pay the artist, you're supporting the art, not the artist.

Yes. Right. Yes. Coming on.

No. It's a self awareness

joke. Sorry.

Yeah. No. So

i I am Your eye on the video folks?

So, no, I'm just supporting him because I do think you can't you can't let somebody's mistakes sort of live with them forever.

If we all let our mistakes

live with us forever, You you we would all be 6 feet under. And

it's a

big important year for self expression. Right?

And carbon

cooped up. We're all fucked up. I

think now more than ever. We've Matt, now more than ever, we can relate to somebody who's been locked up inside of a cell for the last few years. And

we didn't quit baking bread after the first 2 months. Okay? No. No. We stuck with that bread -- Yes. -- have it.

Absolutely. And if it came

in session for some -- Mhmm. -- marbled rye. Dutch crunch. Dutch crunch.

We worked on Sweet.

We made all the bread. Ceded cauliflower. Cauliflower? Cauliflower bread, which we love. Forest gluten. Yes, please. But that's Yeah. That's Howard Levis, everybody.

Yes.

Don't make people take their mistakes to the grave. That's

right. Exactly. As you're a forgiving man, because

we've been forgiven. Let's be honest. We, the 4 of us, have been forgiven, probably, cumulatively. Punniably. Punniable, please. We have been forgiven probably more than anybody else on this

whole time. Would you say a thousand?

Oh, at least a thousand.

Yeah. Easy. Yes. Which being asked for or just assuming I'd get forgiveness. I don't know either way. I don't think I've genuinely asked. Mhmm. Because I won't give it up to God. Too many times. You know what I mean? They should give it up for God. I'm like, I'm not gonna be needy being like, can I have a little forgiveness? I'm like What

does that give it up for God? Is that money? Give

it up for God, you know, just to just to generalize you.

That didn't help.

No. You're not

at all. Same thing but as a song that helped me. So give it up for God. It up

for God.

That's forgiveness as you're

asking. Yeah. Or no. Just I

thought that was just like someone on a mic back stage after God left hoping for an encore but wasn't giving me a plug

in on it. Too. Apparently, when he ascended -- Mhmm. -- from his field that he was in after the 3 days or whatever. Yeah. There was a very needy host being, like, a bit up for God. I'm gonna keep it going. For God. 1 more time for God.

Alright. Tip your saviors.

Tip your saviors. Yes. Oh, wow. I forget where we were, but

that's how Well, Steve, you've got You don't like forgiveness. Yes. Very -- Yes. -- fortunate for everything that has been stowed upon us

this year. And that's Sam Weatherman for everybody out there. They didn't

recognize the voice. Sexy Sam Weatherman

stowed. Still back to a mental health and driver's ed for the whole school as well as COVID safety and preparedness.

You know? So The preparedness has really sort of taken the front seat this Absolutely. I said hazmat suit for every student.

Mhmm. That's

what I said.

And

that was my goal, and we are halfway there. Half of the kids in every class have a hazmat suit on. And

and these you got these shoes, pretty good price. These

are used inside

out clothesmat suits, Trenobyl use. Chernobyl?

These are Chernobyl use.

The movie or the life? The

life thing. Oh, wow. And then some of them luckily, the

movie. Okay. They

just came back on the market because they're clean. Now. Uh-huh. They sat for a long time to make sure the half life was done. Mhmm. And you snapped them right up at that Chernobyl sale. Absolute oh, you have got. To go to the Chernobyl sale. If you

hear about a Chernobyl sale, you cannot let that

i picked up a 79 Datsun from there that had just been blanketed by the green stuff.

Oh, yeah. I kept hearing a Chernobyl sale was coming, but I didn't believe until it was too late.

Yeah. Right. Right? And that's what happens to a lot of

people. Yeah. And

and, Sam, how exactly are we sort of making the distinction between who does and does not get a hazmat suit? Because I do know it has sort of become a point of contention in throughout the school where sort of some students are getting them, and other students feel like they're being left out. There's a little bit of a No. The rich kids. The rich kids get

the

hazmat suits and the other kids, we're not gonna label them. Right. The other kids that aren't rich don't get them.

Right.

So that's sort of the deal. It's

well So what's the number here? What's the what's the threshold of of an money? Well, it's about 50 50 as far as how many kids have them. Oh, so we have an even rich poor split. Well Now that's hard to get.

Well, the school was, I think, in the late nineties or early 2 thousands, was taken over by rich dad poor And so they made sure that it was fair and even -- It's right. -- much like the Warner Brothers and Disney cartoons in the film who framed Roger. Because

it was a draft for a while. Right? The 2 the 2 dads would sort of do a thing at the beginning of the school year where they would kinda get all the kids from around the whole county. Poor dad did not know how auctions were.

Poor dad was very poorly prepared. He struggled

doing almost each activity

because

he couldn't afford it. You

couldn't get Rich Dad away from the caviar. You couldn't to get him to the auction. It was tough to get his attention. The draft, I mean.

Yeah. Not an auction. This was not an auction. This was a draft.

Right. 2 very different things. Yeah. Because when I was auctioned into the army --

yes. --

it was a very different thing. Well,

the only real difference was the speed of the person who was on the dais. Sergeant,

yes. Be giving him and drop down.

It was all the

branches. Cheap funeral. But I rose from the dead. And your thing was, it was all the branches

of the military bidding of which 1 did have to take you. Is that right? It

was an anti auction. Get rid of me. Get rid of me. Get rid of me. And I ended up I

was saying, alright. That's what the auction

guy was

saying. Them give

everybody who wants to go. It's gotta go. And, you know, that is

that part was, I think, commercial for I'm gonna

go get it right now.

I thought that was a diaper toy or toilet.

That's the first Diapers or toilets? It's 1 of the 2. 1 of the 2.

1 of the 2. But Anyway, the the the reserves got me.

Right. Which is great because that means you only have to do a a few a few weekends

i do a few weekends a year. It's hard war. Later, you're in the shit. Yeah. I go straight to the front lines a few weekends a year. There's no sandbagging shit when the flood happens.

That's the question. I get

a gun and I go. Yeah.

Yeah. And the the thing with the reserves is, it's like having a reservation in a restaurant. You're always walking around with the vibrator. Oh my

god. Occasionally, that dirty ass little sticky vibrator thing will vibrate in my pocket. And

you know you got a good afghans. You

know what I mean? I fly myself to Afghanistan. And I get there. I go straight from the airport. I run off the Tarback and I start going crazy. Look for the cuts, folks.

Look at the video. Well, hey. This is the American way. Yeah. We're not just gonna tell them what's going on. We're just gonna send a Cravie.

Speaking of a better good

way. I am hold on. Oh, it's just my apps. It's my appetizer. That was my olive. That's my olive card. Yeah.

You gotta make sure you got them in separate pockets because I think I remember you throwing up so everybody knows. In every recording of the Deepgram's ever, I have a dirty little

greasy vibrator light up thing in my and I'm waiting on I'm on a table.

I but I love that you order enough for everybody. Though, that

lasagna

frito or whatever

food is. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

And I can't get enough of those things. I gotta met my house. I love the little gross little things, the little plastic things.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I'm Why You you I'm so mad that they're transitioning into Will Text or will call you or, like, look for it will call you on your phone. Yeah. My phone

doesn't vibrate like that.

Let me be stuck to hanging 15 feet from the host stand. Making the front of the door really crowded. Yeah. With the dirtiest little plastic punks. Give it to me. Absolutely. Speaking of dirty plastic though, these Todd is here.

Todd is here. And Todd did not get a house

next year. Of course. Well, no. I'm not I didn't reach

the tier of moneyed people that get hazmat suits. Right. Of course, dirty plastic is referencing some of my clothing as we talked about last week. Right. You

modeled in home ec this morning, some of your clothing, because it's very home ec.

Yes. So I wear used saran wrap. Mhmm. Because saran wrap pepper, it's it's so wasteful for the environment.

This is not plastic wrap foods. This is actual brands, a grand rap. And

it is as

clear,

yeah. It was made. Okay. Yes. They're both grand rap. Hey. Wait. Does that fakes are in? No. This is the real deal. Oh, my penis is up. No. Your penis

did not stretch it and pop it out. It came off your knee.

You ain't It must be. Well, there's any weird grand rapers that can't hold some of the bigger stuff.

No. If there isn't, any place that got less tension. It's it's your dick area. No. Because I don't like to use that word on mine. No. You'll never

use that word.

I never said dick. I've never. But,

yeah, I Todd Padre, director -- Yes. -- hard hardcore feminist. Hardcore rocker.

Oh, my goodness. And

that's brand new then. Is that brand new?

No. I've been doing that for years.

Really? Yeah. Absolutely. What are some of your songs?

Well, no. He's talking about the front porch of a cracker barrel. Cracker barrel.

Oh, yeah. I do hardcore rock star stuff. I start a Bosch pit in that rocking chair. I

got it back.

He goes back back. They have to ask him that,

sir, are for sale. You can't go that hard and Well,

then I'll take you how much is it. But these chairs stink now that you've been sitting. And

they're all about slowing down your lifestyle, and you're out you're at Gres rocking in this

oh, no. Cracker barrel, you speed it up before you go in. You've gotta speed it up before you go in because that way you can get all of the gravy -- Yeah. All the gravy. -- dumplings. All

the gravy.

And we all know what our favorite part of cracker barrel is.

It We all we actually hold the world record for getting the most ignoramuses in a row.

Someone screech to a halt to let us know about that. Somebody

did. Get us. Dennis is roaming around still. They're still

around. But, yes, working on the play. Which

i

think I speak for us all. I cannot

we can't wait. We This is Densey William

shakespeare, Peter Pam.

Yeah. This is actually the first time in my recollection, that I've heard a student actually say something nice about 1 of your productions.

Okay. I'm hearing I I need to learn to hear the compliment part of that. Because it sounds like for 70 I mean, 10 years of my life. People have only been saying negative things about working there.

Well, I did qualify with students. This is the first time a student

this is the most maturity I have ever seen from you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Well, I heard what I did here, I heard a student actually come out of your class and said, wow. I think I'm actually gonna get to act

this year. Oh, so

it was less. Yeah. Absolutely. They're gonna get to act this year. I made a promise and I'm gonna keep it. The plays will be featuring the students as all high school playship. Of course. They should. It's not gonna turn into some sort of narcissistic passion project.

Right. Even though all of them have so far?

This

one's different and all No. All of those students learned something whether they like it or not. They learned something from watching my process -- Mhmm. -- you know.

And

so now we're putting on Henry the 4 part 4 as retold by Peter Pan and Timothy Williams.

And and can Yeah. I'm just I'm so Cheriffs. So maybe

the Batman in Tennessee William's element of it is actually pretty interesting because it's a sort of framing device for the the the play. Right? There's it sort of goes

back and forth great way to say

it. To Tennessee

william It could be a framing device because somebody's definitely gonna go to prison after this, I feel like.

But Tennessee Williams and Peter Pan are sort of in in

they're left opposites. Yeah.

And they're, like, sort of, in lights on stage, 2 separate chairs, that sort of fights

up lights down where they're kinda just chatting, and then we see elements from the the play. It's a con versation between Peter Man. Between a playwright and a play character. Yeah. An fictional character.

Yeah.

Kind of talking about Henry the fourth part 4?

You guys sound like the idiots that were probably in the room going, So it's wars in the stars? Right. And George Luke is going, yeah, I know it's a little ahead of its time. Right. But it's all gonna be wars in the stars and people

who are going Oh, he doesn't even have like a refrain. He just says the words

he basically says, yeah. You got it. Right? Oh, well, they're good. So the but wars happen, on the grounds and he goes, well, these ones will be in the stars. And these idiots didn't wanna make the movie these jackasses.

You know? I I thought it was, like, pretty well received

the pitches. I mean, it's like the people who were, like, so the park is Jurassic. And Spielberg's, like,

yeah. I think

you just take it big But it's very nice. And then you just say in the titles of them.

But, yeah, all those movies are genius after the fact.

So I heard you screaming in the classroom the other day, but the story is toy. The story yeah. Well, you know, toy

story. That's why the kids don't understand it. Milk. Right. So I'm playing the young boy, Peter Pam. It says titular. You're 1 of the titulars? I don't like that word, because --

right. --

every 1 of my students is a titch. Alright? So that all play the titular characters. Right. And the way I got around that is everyone's name is in the title. Wow. Cares me to be in the title.

Wow. That's really and now some tell me a kid who's gonna play Timothy Williams.

Now that is a very interesting idea. And it will happen if I can't figure out the costume changes. Because, obviously, right So right now, you're

paying to play both. Dialogue these 2 peer managers. They're probably on the stage at the same time.

What is I mean, it's wars and the stars. You know, what

is

happening here?

I feel like we are often skeptical of you, and then we see the piece,

and it's always a masterpiece. Can

i pitch you 1 thing?

I'm rarely open into collaboration, but I I trust you. -I'm

not even gonna take it from you. This is just gift from me to you. What if you sort of do a 2 face? And you just paint 1 half of your body, Tennessee Williams, and the

other half of your body Look at Tati. He's about to take credit for this idea. Yeah. So it's like blown off and burned. On Tennessee. I mean, that's interesting. Is that what you were saying? A little bit. Okay.

That's really interesting, Sam. I'm thinking, what if we even took that but kind of made it so that I do it more like half of me is Peter Pan. Oh. And the other half is blown in half Tennessee. It's sort of like a 2 face. A choice. Right. Right. That's

what he had pitched you. Wait. And it says he williams half blown off. So you are 1 half Peter pants, a quarter, Tennessee Williams, and a quarter blown up

just like all black sort of, like, stage mask.

Yes. It makes sense to me. It's 2 face. It's blown off Tennessee wings and a half feet of pants. Hey.

Wait. Say your face. We'll look like it'll kinda look like if you cut a quarter out of a watermelon and you look at it and you kinda see -- Mhmm. -- that's a weird way to describe it.

But I think you're wrong. I what I Okay. That's fair. I and I could I could be wrong. And please, tell me if I'm Well, this is

completely new and creative and exciting.

In my head, it is p it's right down the

middle. Uh-huh.

Peter pan 1 side. Fully So rosy cheese. 2 titular titular? That little cap, half of a cap. We got a little leather ink of feather. The other side, is badly burned Tennessee Williams. Uh-huh. Right? But it's whole.

You're missing a quarter. You're missing a quarter.

You're close.

Quarter. Yeah. Am I wrong?

You are wrong. If you're willing to be.

I guess I am. I have no choice.

I well, because this is I mean, this this is the creative sports that I love.

This is like a salon. Old school salon.

This is like a

todd getting up, pacing. We're

getting our hair blown out. It's like the 14 hundreds in here. And what what I think what I'm thinking a little bit is Peter Panrose young boy. Okay.

We have We're all cool. We're all clear macaroni in this cat. We're all clear in the macaroni.

Nosed to halfway through the eye. Normal Tennessee Williams. Right. Second half of the eye to ears, blown up.

Oh, okay. Okay. Tennessee.

Peter Pan. Half 2 faced Tennessee Williams. So he's Tennessee Imagine imagine imagine Timothy Williams as a whole person is a 2 face.

Right.

Okay. Now, imagine you're trying to put whole face 2 face 10 Tennessee Williams on to half the face of Peter Pan. Right. So

here's how he's talking. Peter Han talks about this side of his mouth. Mhmm. Tennessee William's normal torso at this side of his ass.

And

this is gonna be a fantastic play for the kids. It's

well, and it's still Henry the fourth. They're still putting on Henry the fourth -- Perfect. Yeah. -- which hits love Shakespeare historical place, so they're gonna love

that. And you're gonna play King Henry, and then you're trying to find other roles for the student. I'm

trying to fill out the titular roles. So, yeah, there's obviously, you know -- Tree. -- tree. Tree is back. Wow. Everyone remembers tree from some of my old work, tree might be that.

What about Henry The Force confidant, Philip? Philip? Philip. Fall staff or Philip. Fall staff. That's what I meant.

Well, false staff, which I mentioned last week, he is the fun loving kind of clown roll. Right. So that's gotta be and it's a little mature and it's got and it's been written out a little more.

Right. So that's

gotta be someone who can handle that kinda dialogue and stuff. Right. So that's obviously How many roles

are there in the play? Well

a lot it's a historical play but most of them don't matter. It's a lot of old generals walking on and being mad. Interesting. The Duke of worcester. Things like that. Right. So that'll be the kids. And they'll come on with their little capes and stuff, and they'll

look like And have you been working with them on their costumes and everything? Is that where Washtershire comes from? Good question, Bill. Real

quick. I don't want to come in real quick. And I heard you. Of course. Of course. But is that where Worship's shirt comes from? Because on the play, he comes on and he's like, if you had a burger, Now try that, sparker. Does he say that in the play or not? Yeah.

No. That's in the play. I think most of the third act is bloody Marys. So maybe that is work. I mean, Shakespeare invented a lot of words.

Yes. I've heard he does

a lot of words. Is that what you said?

Shakespeare knows. So many words.

Yes. I've heard I've heard that Shakespeare. Yeah. He he had a huge vocabulary.

But III wanna move on. The board. That's him. Right? The the board. Exhausted. Yeah.

The board. He

was so bored he wrote all these plays that this must have happened.

But

i want well maybe we'll get this to this in the second half because 1 of the reasons I've inserted myself a little more is I'm looking to get a little more romance in my life. Wow. We'll show off -- Yeah. -- bring a state. To the alumni event.

Well, it's alumni, so you know, who's

gonna come back?

I

was gonna say, you definitely That's a row. As we know,

this alumni event is open to students and ex faculty. So there are a few teachers from -- Right. -- yesteryear.

Maybe certain teachers that because a different teacher was not obeying, his restraining order

went and worked somewhere else. Listen, I think it's very clear that we are all using alumni night to get laid.

Oh. 0, yeah. It's

it's pretty clear.

It's pretty clear. I mean, you could probably tell from our we've all been to a Nordstrom

recently. I been yeah. We've all been to an Nordstrom. I've been going to the health department and absolutely draining the condom supply on the front desk. Absolutely. Pulling hard from the free condom supply. Which

and by the way, folks, we're only 30 minutes in. That's Bill Kravy over there.

Hello? Genius bill. I was gonna introduce myself about the time when I was saying I'm in the military. And then I was going to I think a better time is when I'm dumping out the fishbowl of condoms, into my front of my pants, pulling out the elastic, pa, popping it back in with a big load full of condoms. You always know walking through

the health office because you always hear on that pop back in just a little Yeah. And you know I got rubber bands around the around the bottoms, so I

don't lose any of them. Now, obviously,

obviously, you've cleaned up a health department. But I know. I go through I go through everything free they have there. Absolutely. But you still got some room in those pants. Right? I mean, what else are you hitting on the way home?

Oh my god, mints. I go to the bank. I go to first citizens and I absolutely demolished the men's. I grab I grab a penny I do not leave a penny all across town. Every 07:11 I hit, I take a penny and I pop it down. And then Yeah. And I'm trying to think of other things up near the front near the front of place. Business cards? Oh, my god. Don't offer me your business card because I'm grabbing the whole thing, and I'm tossing them down the pants. And as you can see, I've got a big packed pant today. I've been going around. But, yeah, that I mean, this has been a good week for me. Yeah.

You said you just came from a UPS store and got a bunch of peanuts in

there. Is that right? Yeah. Those things I mean, you can't have enough of those. Oh, yeah. You know those 1 rate, any weight envelopes at the USPS? Yeah. I'm packing a few.

They're like I was saying, it's not that big but this is easily my favorite thing you've ever done.

There's something to it. There's something to just sort of a general free pair pants stuffed with free stuff. But yeah. I mean, like, I go home. I I mean, I'm not even sitting on my butt right now in this chair. I'm sitting up way What a waste that would be? No. I'm I ain't sitting on shit. I mean, I'm sitting on everything free. But, yeah, it's been a big week for me. I mean, we can get into it more in the second half. But I have, you know, as you guys know, I'm the assistant basketball coach, and we've got a fantastic team this year. In fact, they are rumored too. Oh. And I don't know if that's what you say when a sports team is probably gonna win the state championship. Predicted. Predicted. Predicted. Projected. But they're rumored. There's been like People

are afraid to be wrong about gossip. Yeah. Because

they The the new coach, who you guys know, is a fantastic coach. Yeah. He's really, really unbelievable. And I've said if we've given him a name yet or not, but we I'm willing to right now. Yeah. We have it. No. No. No. His name is Walcott.

Walcott's good. But I think it's also that you haven't done anything crazier insane. I

mean, that's

a big thing. You haven't poisoned anybody? And I'll say We haven't opened up the floor. I read

an interview with the new coach, and he said he said the reason he feels like this season is going so well is because the team is quote unquote free of distraction. Yes. And I've been doing

a really good job. I write on all the plays, I transcribe them from the whiteboard to the notebook. Mhmm. We've got a notebook that is it's it's written on the front of it. It says will win state. Wow.

Let's talk about manifesting.

And I have been doing really good sort of office work, if you will, for the team. And, you know, me I I said buy to Walcott last night. I, of course, I carry back with the basketballs, and I have

you stay in the PE room eating popcorn all the time. Right? You just microwave popcorn sitting there forever?

Yeah. Yeah. I don't I don't have III eat dinner popcorn all the time because we're just busy. We're busy. We're busy.

Yeah. And I'll And what makes a popcorn a dinner popcorn the time? It

replaces dinner. Yes. It's a meal replacement. Well, so healthy. It's very healthy.

Oh, I don't know about how you eat it, but

erie. Yeah. Well, I mean, I put I put butter from the movie theater in my pants before I leave. So I've slopped some of that on it. But it's interesting last night. I was like, I'm gonna go get a drink. I'm gonna go get break. So I went to bikinis.

Bikinis.

You guys love bikinis? It's a It's a it's a great bar in town with with some dancers. Mhmm. And I was there, and I was some light dancing. Light

dancing. The girls are in bikinis. It's awesome. Yeah. The girls are in bikinis. There's some light dancing. The bar tender's very loose with their poor. Yes.

You'll get

hammered at bikinis. I thought, don't go into bikinis and not ex and expect to drive home. Take

bikinis seriously. Because it's my dancing.

I have never seen Bikini's parking lot, not packed the next morning. Because

everybody everyone's leaving that

room. They're leaving their car. I was gonna say that

actually makes me feel better. Knowing

that people are

responsible when they leave McKinques, because I have seen some people stepping out of bikinis. And Oh, you don't you you don't step out of bikinis. You roll. You roll

out of bikinis. And it's I was up there and I saw the Blazers head coach. You

saw coach coach Roberson. Kart coach Robison.

I drove yeah. Coach You

saw coach

roberson at the bikinis? At bikinis. I saw coach Roberson, but we love robots. We saw Roberson at bikinis. I saw Roberson Kinis.

No. That's interesting to know. Not robitussin,

tusseroben. Tusseroben. Tusseroben. Roberson. I just I thought it was close. Robison, I saw Robison at McKininis, and he said, Do you got the playbook? And I was -- Oh, no. -- Phil. Listen.

We don't know where this is going.

Listen. I showed you're at bikinis. And that's what I'm saying. I'm not gonna be stingy at bikinis, like, you're free. Did

you buy it? You drink?

He bought me a drink and the flow was heavy. I bet. And I maybe showed Robus in a couple of plays. And maybe I set up a little meeting where I'm gonna meet up with Robison sometime at bikini's next week. Why? For? Some cold hard green. Bill. Bill. No. Oh, come on. No.

Good backroom deals that ever happened at Bikinis. So

you're not talking about throwing the game. Right? You're just talking about shaving a couple of women. Him

trash plays. Yeah. Yeah. So, I mean, I showed him a couple of trash plays, because I just wanna get I like Robison. Sure. You know? And we're buddies. We don't wait. Here's what's

winning me over a little bit. I don't care about these kids at all. And at the end of the day, they could have made you head coach,

couldn't they? They very easily could have. Couldn't

they have made you head coach?

Yes. And Walcott is great -- Sure. -- but I'm back -- Uh-huh. -- and I'm royalty.

So you're you're being pretty blunt about the fact that you you are trying to

no. You're trying to sabotage the team. No. I'm taking my job serious. I'm showing Robison trash play.

You're going to Bikinis 4 nights a week for serious stuff.

Well,

bikinis is where I wrote

some of my best stuff. Yes. An evening in the lounge I wrote

there. Yeah. You'll take your whole computer into bikini sometimes and work by the buffet. Because you're a desktop

guy through and through.

You can't work on a laptop? You can't work on a laptop.

I know. You have to work on a modern desktop. I hope because these these desktops you're working with have 2, 3 towers. Yeah.

They're technically IBM, but I think, like, the old ones that you hear

i built my own computer in 19 95, and I'm so proud of it. I'm running Windows Emmy. It's updated. It's Windows Emmy.

And The millennium edition?

Melania.

Not affiliate, Todd. Singing something

doesn't explain it, Todd. Yeah. You just taught me that.

But, yeah, unless you're singing to Robbie Williams' millennium, and then it's a little different, bitch.

Yeah. We try it. Hang on a second. I need to go on a break after

that. That was We say it, but we say it. We say it. We're

gonna take a quick little break because as we always

that's our

first pitch right here. We got we gonna have to air out after that folks. Alright, folks.

Thanks so much for sticking out through the break. We're back. And, you know, today on the show, we have something specific in mind for the second half. We you know, with alumni day coming up the alumni event, You know, we've all got people from our past who will surely be showing up. You know? In an event like this, it's gonna attract all all the people who the people you wanna see, also the people you might not wanna see. Most of them you wanna see.

Yeah. Well, some

of them may not even wanna see you and to avoid avoid a situation where somebody is coming back to the to the school, and they are, you know, maybe holding holding on to something from the past. We we kinda wanna take this opportunity to sort of bury the hatchet with some folks about some stuff that has happened in the past in the event that those people are planning on coming to the alumni -- Mhmm. -- event. So, yeah, we just wanna we wanna take an opportunity just to apologize -- Mhmm. -- to to to to certain

folks. I got 1 right here. Go ahead. So here's something I am thinking about when I see Jeremiah Massey when he comes

back. Yeah. That's why I remember this. The first

thing I'm gonna say to him is, no, I didn't. No, I didn't. Alright. Screen. Let when you were doing your driver's test. I didn't do that. You drove off the road. Seems

like you are

re bringing up the hatch. Seems like you're, yeah, you're smacking the hatchet against the against the tree here.

I'm trying to bury it the way I wanna bury it.

Mhmm. Right.

I think I think have to sort of the in order to bury the hatchet with somebody, you kinda have to recognize your sort of role in the situation. And and and accept some responsibility. Because you you're saying you did not scream and cause him to fail his

driver's test.

Although, as we know, and and and based on his parents coming to the the school board meeting -- Mhmm. -- in the weeks after. And court. And court, we do know that there was video footage you were caught on a

multiple angles.

Yeah. Yeah. Because the person behind you had a had a safety dash cam -- Mhmm. -- you know, caught in

yes. 5 k. Yeah. 5 k. It was it was a a test camera. It was a yeah.

It was a broken 8 k camera. And so it was caught in 5 k. It's so stupid.

And so there's plenty of video that does pick you up security

camera

footage from a local

gas station. They all pick you up screaming. Most documented scream of all time.

Okay. Alright. So I'm apologizing.

No. Hang on. You

know, Todd to save the day once again. So Who are

we trusting now? A man who is saying his word? Or a bunch of machines. Mhmm.

And if you can't

take a man

right in front of you, I could shake this man's hand. Years later, fighting for the same crap he got in trouble for. I

mean, why would he still be bringing it up if it wasn't a lie? Thank you. You know? And these cameras now. Mhmm. If robots all of a sudden are more trustworthy, then my friend, this guy has made me a stick. Oh, yes. All the way. Well,

tom, how did you guys You stick the whole way. Todd. You're gonna trust a camera over somebody who makes you a stay.

Hold on. I've seen I've seen you allow a machine to make you a stake. I've seen you allow a machine to make you say. The

steakmeister.

Yes. You purchased the Steakmeister off of of the Lake of a Poly Shore commercial.

Meister. Yeah. Are now Rob

schneider? Yeah.

Yeah. But I'm quite sure still in still in the

rob side of this past year. Everybody senient commercial. Yeah. There's the Steakmeister. It's a machine that you sort of drop a cut of beef into. It

makes

it it's proprietary. Portions. And it does a character also does a character. It's

1 of the funniest steak jeffs I've ever met.

Robata. Robata. Because, obviously, those teppanyaki guys are the funniest. Oh

my god. If there was a lot back in those places.

They're so funny. Have you ever seen him throw a shrimp tail in his mouth and they choke and almost die?

Dude, dude, dude. Okay, dude. Dude, every time I go to To Gergals, the comedy club downtown? Gergals. Yeah. Hi. We're really we're really painting a picture of all the night life that's handled it down. Oh, geez. Well, no. I'm in Gurgles, and I'm at bikinis all the time. Yeah. You can hear those loud pree. And I won't I'm a man. But my 2 things, laugh me and fuck me. Am I right? Laugh boys.

Damn crave. So I like gurgle.

Damn. They call him Bill gravy because he's got the gravy. I'm craving for everything. Give it to me. Every time I make gurgles, this is a long but and nobody makes a steam onion volcano. Oh. I boo. I heckle. I say, where's the shrimp? Where's the onion? Where's the heartbeat? Under the rice. Be funny.

Make the rice into a shape of a heart and then pump it up and down. You're

a stand up comedian. Yeah. Know the shit. Like, I

don't wanna see Lino's jeans was headlining the other night,

which is normally a great show. Classic. 1

of the better shows.

Leto's jeans was doing new materials.

To leto's jeans do thread lines? Well,

leto's jeans leto's jeans was doing was doing corduroy for the first time. Right?

Oh my god. He was doing new material. Boy. Wow. That's risky for Lenos too. And what

lenos

jesus Kevin Kevin Blue Banks was there.

Kevin Blue Banks. And so you're saying you even saw Lenos jeans and Kevin Blue Banks. And you were still disappointed.

I was like yeah. I just didn't like it. I mean, I know that it's a tight show, and it's got a lot of jokes in it. But

now you sit you banks down next to a tip in DocuSign. That's the show I wanna see. Oh my god. I wanna see.

What's the big face? Hit the base run right on the mochi. Give me the mochi and hit the run. Youbanks? Anyway. Just to take us

back, though, Sam. I do feel like you have you have to try to see this from camera's perspective a little I

understand that. I'm a little stuck in my ways. I would love to hear maybe Howard or 1 of these other guys. If you know how to bury the hatchet, I would love a little example We know that I don't do well with

you do a quick 1, and then I'll do a 1.

Okay? Just do, like, a real quick 1.

No. No. I'll do, like, a quick 1.

0, I'm trying

to

do a lightning round just to show Sam

what's airing that? Yes. So

you I will show you 2 perfect ones right here. So just do a quick I appreciate

it so much, guys.

Yeah. Yeah. Simple. I'd like to apologize to my to the a teacher's assistant who I had my second year here at Hamilton. As you

all Oh, wait. Good. And I would like to say, it's not my fault. Your daisies were ruined.

John. That's UGG. That's UGG, who is just John, that you call him UGG, because you think he's ugly.

Yes. Of John, I accidentally got my long wheelbase Ford with a camper on it. Duly, 10000 pounds at least. I mean, it's a it's an anti new

yeah. It heals

with a push up bra. And, yes, this truck does have a bra

over the head. Yeah. It's got a bra front because I wanna keep I wanna keep people hubba hubba, and I want to keep the bugs I don't think

you guys understand what bearing the hatches. Did you hear what I said, sir?

Yeah. Hold on. My truck is an anti dully. Doesn't matter. What I Sucks in here.

As you guys all remember. I I, of course, am trying to give you a

real example.

A real example of burying the hatchet. Yeah.

As we all know, I didn't

talk gonna do I'll

continue to elaborate so you guys maybe can get a little bit clearer idea of what it means to bury the hatchet. As you guys all know, I axe a deadlier.

Can you try to do 1 imagining it's my voice though? Because I don't talk like you. I

got an idea. Don't elaborate on this 1. Just give us a completely new 1 that's, like, 2 sentence long, and then Todd will do 1. Okay. Fine. And Todd will get it right because he's listening. Fine. Okay.

Great. Here. I do wanna know. Look how good we can see Todd listen.

Yes. And, Todd, I want you to come in hard right on the heels of his. Okay.

Here we go. But listen to it. Listen, I'd like to apologize to mistress Trina for the end of our relationship.

Mhmm. Oh, speaking of end of relationships, I'm sorry you couldn't handle that I get angry when things aren't going well. Everyone I've ever been with.

Now that is a 1 too. And

right? They're not gonna bring that back up.

Right? How are how are how are you

guys getting some skin? Give him some skin.

My brother. Yeah. We both have the same issues in relationships.

No. No. Listen. You

guys are identical. You

guys gotta take some responsibility, or this alumni event is going to be a nightmare for you. It's gonna be awesome.

I I I've got 1 for some of the students. Great. Okay. Yeah. You've got a lot of students you need to bury the hatchet. To the cheerleading squad that I coached -- Start there. -- in 19 99. I'm sorry that I made most of the routine about us all preparing for Y2K.

Okay. This is weird. It is weird. Okay.

Caviat. But if it had happened, that 1 girl that 1 girl, you threw that computer up in the basket. They came down right at her her hard.

Damn.

Yeah. Yeah. You know, but at the end of the day, I feel like they were probably all prepared for this last year of the pandemic.

Yeah. That makes a

lot of sense. Thank you. So I guess apologies on that both

ways. Gotcha. That's

right. It takes 1 person to put the hatcher in the ground, and the other person

to sweep the dust over. I would like not to give him skin.

No. Guys, let's go. We're not.

Burying the hatchet in that sense. I would like to say a hatchet. They'll save the hatchet. He'll help you bury it. Here. I think actually, that's a perfect example. Apologize. That's a perfect example.

You guys are just saying the hatchet. You're not burying a hatchet. You're just saying the

hatchet. You bring up the problem, then you back away from it. It

takes 2 people to bury it. 1 to say what the problem is, and the other person to say they're over it.

Okay. Well, we don't have any of these people here, but we would I would. I would

like to apologize to everyone in the gym, everyone who is watching, and also the best of all players -- Okay. -- for taking money from Universal and making the entire me and the entire entire basketball team dress up like clockwork orange and beat up people in the gym that day.

That to promote a movie. To give you a little bit of a break, I gotta put some of that on universal.

I don't know if that's all your fault. No. What they said, they said, we'll give you money to promote the movie, grassroots, do whatever you want. Yes. 30

years later. And

they were like, here's posters, put them up. And who are you? I was like, I got 1 better? To broke all the people with broken knees, gay man, that 1 dead man. Okay.

There. That is you you

but I will say. I will say -- Mhmm. -- that movie did really well.

It did really well. Body

was in the theaters, butts, and seeds. Now,

howard, wouldn't you agree that burying the hatchet is a 2 person job? Don't sort of both people have to put it down?

Yes. I would say that that is probably true. But you have someone has to initiate the process. You know? And and what's gonna happen when when that dead man's family shows up to the alumni event, and you haven't apologized directly to them. We're taking full

responsibility. What I'll say, the 1 guy's legs we broke was on his way to bomb the pumpkin patch. That's

right. We saved a lot of money. We saved a lot of money. Yeah.

Not a pack. What? What? An impact pump you're talking about. The pumpkin patch, the bar,

i did not pumpkin patch. If the pumpkin patch went away, I don't know what I would do.

I know. We love the bump

we'd be at bikinis every

night. Yeah. You can't go to bikinis every night. Oh, no. I'd be dead. I'd be dead.

I So what we need this to say, when these people are here and we're apologizing, we're all gonna do a little better than this here,

of course. Yes. Yes. Yes.

I think this will be something really special to have

-- Awesome. -- for

the audience and for our friendships. Howard, I'd like to apologize to you.

There you go. Long

time coming.

Wow. About which thing? Todd, I could don't don't forget about the last comment

log time coming is not I need you to grab some of the dirt to help me put it on top of the hat. I mean, I'm sorry. Long time coming was you re filling the hole before the hatchet was around. Let

me

let me see the hatchet, and then we'll see if I'm gonna kick dirt over it.

Don't pull it out, John. Tyson. Pull out his penis.

Todd of course, following

some

of his authenticity training --

okay. -- getting in you

taking authenticity classes? I'm

taking authenticity classes. I was told, well, 1 of the most common reviews of my acting is inauthentic.

So inauthenticity training, of course, you do lots of animal sounds, lots of growls, grunts. You get in touch with

your animal self. Meow. And I'm Meow. You said

meow. Okay.

That

was quite bad. Oh, that was a cheetah. My friends. Oh, okay. She just told me, yeah. Oh, earlier. Their felancer are the cows? Like, if they're not cows. My Do you mean do you mean bovine? That would have been a perfect little rhyme there. You said cow. Oh my god. You're about to get the b word. Don't you we will have to take a break. Don't you do that? I oh, we just can't afford to the brick. Otherwise, you get the b word. Howard. He'll say it. In 2005 through 2021.

Long time.

16 years. Say, stay.

I have not told you that you have had toilet.

Don't tell him, darling. This goes for a long This goes for a long string on his foot. Wait. For

15 years. You have toilet paper on your lip? Like, it's a piece of rice.

What? You've had

no. Damn it, Don. I've tried to finish 15 years. I'm trying to finish.

This is good. Power, just take this. Okay? This is really good. Give

me a mirror.

No? Oh, my God. Let's talk finish. Let talk finish. Yeah. His name is Zany. You haven't worked in a mirror in 16 years.

Of course

not.

Why? Are you scared

of that image? I don't wanna see what's going on.

I I took mirrors out of my house when I started to fear I was a vampire. We all do it, you know, for different reasons. Give me a mirror. Okay.

Alright. Somebody

here look. Here.

Here. You

have got to be kidding me. A little strand.

A litmus strand. A big chunk of 16

years. You know when this happened? Dirty.

Durdy. You remember.

That's dirty, deep.

Yeah. You remember I remember.

In 2005, it was that year that I was having a real hard time getting bullied by students, teachers alike, and I used to take my lunch in the bathroom. Mhmm. Uh-huh. And 1 day, I ran out of napkins because I had gotten I brought some applicants from the lunchroom. I ran out of napkins, and I yanked it.

They were eating so sloppily? Well,

i

was eating. You

were eating so sloppily or so Just to make sure you were eating sloppily in the the In the stall. Saving on the toilet event. I'm stall. Eating

so sloppily, you couldn't tell what was from your mouth, what was from toilet. And

here's what I've always wanted. Picking up some of the pickled peppers off the floor to eat. Right? Well,

i was only picking up the ones that landed on my shoe.

Good.

Good. Well, you wear Good. But you wear

tVs. You wear these. So so by on

your shoes, you mean, on your feet. Oh, yeah. Those are teamas.

Those are

not teamas. Those are corrective shoes. So,

no, I I pulled some toilet paper off the the spool. Uh-huh. To wipe some sauce off my lips, and it it must have been stuck just your lips. Wow. Yeah. Well,

yeah. I

think. How are It's a good

excuse. Well, I think that is a great excuse. I do have a follow-up question. Okay. I can't sit on a toilet with my pants on. Are you eating your lunch pants up or

goosebumps? You can sit on a toilet without their pants down. I take my pants down.

So you're eating on

your penis. So the next obvious question is, so you're eating on your penis?

No. First question that popped into my mind. Listeners

now. No. You're resting all of the food on your penis.

No. I'm I'm making a sort of play

play pubis. No. I'm making a You're mad. I'm making I mean, you have a Malay. Plate?

I'm making a plate out of toilet seat covers. Oh,

no. Much better.

And and

those hold up well. Yeah.

I use and I've used the actual toilet toilet bowl cover container whole lot.

No. I'm not using the actual seat. Oh, you're sitting on it. No seat.

Well So you sort of take the seat off, you sit on the bowl,

and then

you set up a tasting menu along the road.

Is it a tasting menu along the dirty road?

You guys have seen it before. Stop ass.

We have. Stop We're we're airing your dirty

laundry. It's like I plan to do to all those people coming back who do not accept my apology.

That's right. We've got everyone's dirty we see better except our apologies. We got secrets on all of you.

That's right. Yeah.

III wanna say here and now, Howard. I'm sorry I never told you. And I think we need to be an example of male friendships to everybody.

Wow. Yeah, fraternity. Right.

I've always thought

that. Howard? I'm sorry that I clearly was not there for you when you were going through I what I hope was rock bottom in 2005 eating full meals off of a dirty toilet

i really It was a tough time. It was a tough time. I

wouldn't say it was the the lowest I've been, but it was definitely near the bottom.

Well, I wish I could have been there for you. I

was obsessed with the third season of American Idol during your rock bottom, and I'm very sorry. What? Honestly, sorry. I would appreciate this sort of this sort of honesty and sort of openness to happen all the time because word I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. They had just come

out with the 5 dollar footlong. And I was really distracted. I was distracted for weeks.

Yeah. Sorry. Do you know who Daughtry is? I do. Does that help me out?

No. Listen. It doesn't matter it doesn't matter what you guys were doing. It doesn't matter what happened then. What matters is is right now in this moment, you've all chosen to apologize. And me, Howard Levis, 1 of the most forgiving people on the face of the planet is gonna is gonna give you what you want, which is forgiveness.

That

was a tough time I'm doing much better now. We all know. Alright. I'm in great shape, mentally. I'm in great shape, physically. I'm in great shape emotionally. So I I'm strong enough right now to say, at that time, things were tough. But at the current moment, I'm doing alright. So I can receive -- Wow. -- those apologies

--

wow. -- and say y'all are forgiven. I'm blowing away. Truly, no joke here. I'm blown away.

It's not even taking cold showers. Is that your secret?

I I mean, define

cold. I

don't know. When you say What what do you think do you think you've been taking cold chow? No. To me, they're

comfortable. You don't feel cool. No. Do

you use is your hot water heater still out? Yes. Okay. That's probably cold. And you do

have a water cooler?

Well, yes. I had water

cooler installed. People would start chatting with you more around that if you installed it.

Yeah. Well, I have 2 different kinds

of water. It's in your shower broke, and now you take showers out of the water pool.

Yeah. Yeah.

Well, why you haven't got to talk about any shows near water?

Well, no. Because I've been using all the water for my shower. And you've

been watching

shows just to have somebody to talk about, but nobody's there to talk

about. I've been trying

scarecrow therapist is now near the water tower?

My scarapist is back. He scared me. And wait. My therapist was a mannequin -- Yeah. -- allegedly.

Allegage. Of course, Todd. Write your

own story. You're a scarapist. That's right. That's right. That's right. Where do you wanna remember? And we'll remember.

But III thought that was a beautiful moment. You accepted the apology. I feel closer to you already. Exactly.

You guys You can do it too. You know, you can authentically apologize and receive forgiveness from everybody in your life. I mean, Todd, I'll tell you this. If you talk to your ex wife, and you actually apologize for some of the things that you did to her. Uh-huh. I think you would feel a whole lot

better. Well, you

feel a lot worse because you break your vow to yourself.

That's right. No forgiveness. Well, you all remember my wedding. I I did some vows to my wife to be, and I did some vows to myself. Right. And the vest myself for longer and a little more hard ass. But, yeah, no forgiveness. Mhmm. You were

the

always last long.

You you, apparently, you you you wanted a prenup, but you had 4000 dollars in the bank. Yeah. You couldn't afford the prenup.

I couldn't afford the

lawyer for

the prenup. Yeah. You

couldn't afford to get it drawn. You brought that up in your vows.

Right. That I couldn't afford the prenup.

What exactly was the vowel that that was attached to? I don't think I remember all these values. It was quiet to speak.

Oh, yeah. Because some vowels were what I'm vow to do.

He did that with And

you thought that spelling prenup when and getting to Gymia would get you the prenup?

I was desperate at the time. I I had tried everything. And

at the end of because the end of the p, you said not and give me some money to pay for it.

Yes. Well, you know, I I ended up even when I was spelling it. I'm having some issues and so that's why at the end of the wedding I am

at

the end of the wedding, everybody. An

iP. It was you spelled prenip.

Every yeah. By the end of the wedding, people gave me prenips.

Todd, just imagine if you took I did sad. What is a prenip? It's like a

almost a titty trickster.

It's what you do at 10 years old, but only get shirt.

Right before the nipple. You gotta like have I I don't know if after I did it, everyone was chatting. I was like, we'll have to give it to him, but we don't know what it is. And so I was like, I think it's for you. Or if they all just knew inherently Well,

i mean, like, that was a tough I I don't think he necessarily has to dive into the apologies with his ex wife to continue on and have a fruitful relationship which he is in the early stages of right now.

Mhmm. Yes. I I try not to talk about dating on Mike, so the, you know, the

fans. You rarely do that.

We don't talk about personal stuff on Mike.

I won't I'm gonna go ahead and throw a couple pinocchios on that 1, Todd.

Oh my god. He threw down the pinocchio. Why?

Because my dad got swallowed by a whale. Yes. Why? Because -- Yes. -- because

that's for stepping up. Out of wood.

Push your nose grows endlessly?

That is a religious thing. So I am going to take offense to the pinocchios. But, yes, I try not to talk about dating on Mike because I know some of the listeners want to keep that aura alive a single podrick. And

i'm excited that you're gonna have a date for the big homecoming. Which,

by the way, are we going are y'all going stag? Are you trying to get dates? I

thought we were gonna go to a stag room. Yeah. What

happened? I thought we were going stag. Yeah. I actually

do have to chaperone Craig. Craig is getting released for prison for 1 night -- Oh, because you -- because he's performing, and I sort of have been You brokered that deal. Right?

I brokered the

deal. He's gonna perform at the alumni event. I don't know if I can

show you that. Free actually actual criminals? What is it?

Well, yeah.

III as

i've gotten to know, Craig, a little bit better, the story just stopped adding up to me. And so I can't just sort of stand by. Even

though he's caught on almost as many cameras as saying. Well, as we've discussed,

to to use the Tiderey defense, if I can't trust the man who's cooked me a steak, which Craig has, then I can I'm gonna I'm gonna trust him over a robot. And he's told me some things that have made his case not crystal clear, so I am sort of lobbying with the state trying to get him exonerated. Because

he's saying he was hypnotized when he confessed in court and said he would do it again. 3 times and you do it from hell again.

Yes? Right. Yes. Yes. He said he he was actually he said after he watched that that the movie where Jared Leto plays the guy who killed John Lennon, he was sort of hit ties by by he's was hypnotized by a bad movie. He was hypnotized by a bad movie about a man who killed a celebrity, and he

they say leto influences a lot of disgusting freaks these days. Yeah. I mean, he's my

main on stage influence. Oh, I was sending pigs to fellow actors for decades before he started doing it. That's awesome.

Thank you. But I so

i won't have a date. Michael j Fox?

I won't be able to have a date at but I you know, could've found 1. But I won't be able to have had it haven't dated because I'll

be patient. The idea was if he you're responsible for Well, if I have agreed to be shackleton. To be shackleton. Oh, it's a shackleton.

Yes. The city the city said, I have to be shackling situation. Be connected to him at all times. They told me I could bring a taser. I said, don't worry about it. I have other things. I have other plans.

What's that mean? Why? That really piqued my curiosity. What was that? A gun? Is it the gun you brought, really? Oh, great. I've

read of vendetta all over again. Be

honest. It has been a whirlwind. I forgot that happened today.

Yeah.

That discussion.

That's a

sounds right. Yeah. You got the beretta. I

also gotta take myself out of the old stag party. I unfortunately have to do COVID screening -- Oh. -- at the front door. I'm gonna be up there with that dirty little gun that you point everybody's forehead that doesn't really mean anything? Yeah. It's the it's the visual thermometer where you don't actually touch them and it still

tells me

that

so I got to go up there and pretend to test everybody for

cOVID's or where's the

wand. That gun's only dirty because you've been trying to do cowboy tricks with it stuff before you Yeah. I

dropped it in the dirt a couple times. Because you've seen the cowboy trick where you keep your finger and the trigger going,

class cowboy, get it out of the pocket.

It's so full. I've never pulled 1 off.

I

thought you were gonna go obviously, you're in Signica now, the pharmaceutical frat. Mhmm. And I thought there was a mixer with Labna few. Yeah. Labed a few it's a few different Kim labs that all

teamed up for

masters and adviser and Johnson and Johnson have all kind of

so a literal a few,

3. That's right.

Labbing a few. That's

right. And supposed to be a pretty cool party. There's supposed to be some spiked punch and a lot of cool trees.

Spike protein punch?

Wow. Fauci.

Fauci. Oh, spike

protein protein protein.

That was good. Yes. I liked that. Yes.

I hope Fauci remembers that when he's here for the eleventh. Wow.

I cannot wait to see Fauci again. You guys were pretty much fun we had with Fauci. Fauci's

coming and ran Paul's yelling at him. Really? Yeah.

Ram, well, follows him around. Him from the beginning to end. And it's yeah. I'm excited. Yeah.

Yeah. He's gonna give him hell. That's really Him and his wife. He's just yelling at Fauci and his wife. It's

good. I'm glad he found something because he seems a little like, he was missing happiness and now ran Paul found it. Yes. And he seems happier than ever.

Just 3

minutes out? He's like a little, like, congressional Willie won't go with that hair. But I I'm glad because, you know, we wanna make sure this is safe. No. That's cool. We have of course. I'm wondering as far as you you said you've been working on rapid treatment even for the homecoming where people do have it on the way in, there's something you can do for them. Yeah. Well, we

take them out back. And we have a hose. And we spray them off as hard and as thoroughly as we can. Okay. That way we make sure there's no COVID on the outside of them. I can't do anything for the inside.

Yes. Unfortunately. Okay. So clean the exterior. Put a mask

on, clean the outside, and have a blast.

Yeah.

And then, you know, wet t shirt.

Oh, yeah hell yeah. You know? I gotta say, we haven't said this yet. I don't know if this is too personal, but I think our listeners should know. We're all vaccinated.

I'm I've been double vaxed with all 3. I've got 6 vaccinations. You

were the first in line for all of them.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. I have been COVID fascinated.

Oh, yes. I flew

to Wuhan. I flew to New Zealand. I flew to Los

angeles. Do wait. If you

flew from Wuhan

to New Zealand?

What's good? What month? The first month

in 11/01/2901,

november seventh there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Okay.

Of course. A

lot of people will stop patient 0 within the lounge. I never thought it would be possible.

Wow. I don't know if I was patient 0. I was probably patient 3 or 4.

Right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Of

course, I've been vaccinated as well. We all know. I I have no fear of shots or anything like that. Right. I've got

plenty of those. What are you talking about?

I've I I have no fear of shot.

Well, they they he kept running away from the needle. I So they

had to get they had to do it in your sleep? Well, here's what happened. Okay? I you can't you have to be very obvious when you're coming at somebody. With with a sharp object. Okay? You can't just sort of slap like, shove a curtain to the side and come in and just That's

not what they were doing. Yeah. Well, I was at the club with you the other day. Who? A gotcha in the backseat? III0, you went to the haunted vaccination

side. I didn't realize it at first, but it was the cheapest 1 the cheapest place because obviously you gotta Yeah. You could drive. There

was a haunted house doing vaccinations up in the valley. And you could get it a couple months early because they're just they would have extra left over, but it would come from a man with a chainsaw.

It is scary.

Yeah. They actually yeah. They what they did is they put the needle on the end of the chainsaw. So he's coming out of the the woodwork, which And he got wet. And it's it's kinda just spinning around So there's 2 things that are scary here. There's the needle

that's kinda just coming.

But then there's also a live chainsaw. And what I'm presuming to be an actor, no offense Todd. Who's who's controlling it? Could've been anybody. Time. I'm I'm positive

it was you.

Time it was you. We

that was 1

of your biggest roles this year. You were fired after day 1. Right?

I was fired. Yeah. Well, I I came into some new work because there's a lot of people know my reputation went up after I was on TV I got vax for the Jamie Kennedy of experience where I got pranked into getting vaccinated.

Oh.

And Jamie Kennedy is a an old woman. Kept cutting me in line

and it started I had no idea. I had no idea.

I had no idea. I was mad at this old lady cutting me in line Starbucks and I started screaming at her and we got into a fist fight and 6 rounds. And then at the

end, You broke your leg.

Right? Broked my leg, broke my collarbone, got my ear bit off, got my nose shoved in

the other way. And that Starbucks got Barista should not have gotten involved.

Not at all. That guy put it over the entrance. He was huge and muffin and so but while we were rolling around Jamie Kennedy vaccinated me and said, you of facts.

Well, listen. We could talk about us all being vaxed all day long, but we But we are. It is about it is about time for us to start repping up. It's been about time. Hopefully, the audience can handle a -- Sure. -- quite a bit longer

episode than your goals to

see. Oh, yeah.

Sorry for extra content.

It was

awesome. The whole thing was good. And now you're complaining. Yeah. It's funny. It's We can't take them all. Send us a goddamn email You don't get your money back, but we're taking your your thing away. You know

what? I don't know when they said anything yet, but I wanna yell at these guys too, guys. Oh, yeah.

Do not come to me with notes. Please -- Right. -- losers. You can turn it off whenever you want. Mhmm. These sickos out here. Complaining nonstop about a thing they chose to listen to. I assume. I've had an I assume it's never happened yet.

I've had enough of it. Yes. That's fantastic.

Take us out.

Yeah.

Alright. Folks, thank you so much for listening. We'll be back again with another episode pretty soon. So Until then,

stay. Stay flipping.