I'm fucking exhausted. Are you? Yes. What's going on?

These new fucking roommates.

Your roommates?

Guys, remind me next time when I'm gonna buy some animals to come and be on my team in the terrarium, remind me to read the fine print.

So you've got a few animals that are eating your stuff in the fridge, Like, being too loud, having sex. Yeah. I

got these guys. I ordered a snake, a frog, a turtle, and a lizard,

uh-huh. To

help me sort of

make it more true.

Make it and and to be on my team, you know, have somebody help me help me out my mobile army maybe? Turns out these guys are just these guys are making it worse.

Are they deleting your recordings

--

yeah. -- in your Tivo? Damn.

Yeah. Uh-uh. Yeah. You know, I have the TV on and and I record all the all the different reruns of survivor. All the competitive reality shows. These guys go in there. They don't even watch them. Or maybe they watch them and they just when they're done, they hit, don't save for later, delete. Right. If you are watching my Tivo, you gotta say for later -- What?

--

you can't delete it at all.

Are reptiles watching? Surriver.

Wow. It's that popular.

Yeah.

The way they're deleting yours and recording their own survivors,

well, they're they're finding out I'm not I don't see mine, and I got I'm trying to watch the new season. And the only thing that I'm seeing on the Tivo is stuff that I recorded like six or seven months ago

or been

i was in there kinda bored the other day flipping around. Who recorded all that meerkat manners. Is that you? Yeah. That's me.

That's you.

That's me. I'm a

man Power to watch meerkat Manor with a napkin in his shirt and a fork and knife licking his lip

and what is is that like downton Abbey, but with little cats that stand on their hind legs, like the manner of it all. Yes.

There was. There a a show of the same name that was on, like, Discovery or Animal Planet that they kinda, like, did fake stories. Like, like, where they like, it was just, like, a a nature show where some characters were Meerkath. Meerkat Manor is is a full production where the entire cats

--

right.

--

the entire the entire cast is a meerkat. Yeah. They all have lines. They hit their marks.

I went to a talkback at SAG for meerkat Manor. And what are the big

those are great events.

Oh, oh. Oh, they're so good. Informative.

And people asking the questions, don't wanna hear themselves talk.

And

a couple of those meerkats just ripped the shit out of a snake just absolutely demolished this little snake up front that was asking about what it's like to be the only Meerkat that's out of the closet on the cast.

And the meerkat's overreacted about

the meerkat

wait a minute. It's fucking his ass. Yeah.

Yeah. Not the way you want your ass eating now.

But no. No. No. No. No. But gave a beautiful answer up top about being out in the industry. Yeah.

That's great.

Yeah. Yeah.

Apparently, that Mercket also was Tamon's understudy.

No. Yeah. He knows Tamon.

Oh, I've been trying to get Timone's autograph for years.

I know. I we've been waiting outside of Timone's on Broadway right now doing funny girl.

And it is the funniest funny girl that's ever been.

Yeah. Capital, if you're in and why?

Capital funny. Capital funny.

Capital funny lowercase girl.

Yeah. Very little girl.

Little girl. I don't know. I'm a purist, but without Pumba, Tommon is nothing. I I really prefer Tommon. Right.

That's a shame.

Yeah. And you have seen what Puma was up to these days.

Oh. Puma did not It

was horrible.

Puma was hanging out with, like, the lead singer of White Snake and Vince Neil. Yeah.

Who It's definitely not hakuna matata.

I saw Pumba at a Piceto moss on the sunset song using a big, huge laptop computer from the nineties. No. No. And I was, like, Damn. I'm boomba. Yeah. Boom. And I he was emailing he had an email open subject to moan

--

no. -- tomorrow. Who was it too, I wonder.

I think you're not

of a nice siva.

Trying to get back in the grace I

think he I saw Rofiki at meet com. Oh, alright. In the in the email. And I think you I think he's talking shit about Tommon

in my heart. You know

what's crazy? I saw Rafiqi running a commercial audition recently. I was in that Oh,

did you audition for her, Vickie?

I still do a little bit of auditioning on the side. Of course.

You you

were in Hollywood, Sam Silver.

Oh, you know what the hardest part is. Rafiki has to get out of his little song before you can do your thing every time.

Oh my god.

I mean, Rafiki ate one of those juiciest plump things he eats, the gourd. Yes. Yeah. Or, no, he paints with it. But he was eating the paint.

Oh my god.

Refiki's in bad shape. He's got paint all over his mouth. He's he's

it's a classic

hollywood story.

It is.

I actually went to that new ice cream shop up the street. Guess who's serving my ice great. Uh-uh. Oh, no. Iago.

No. Oh, no. God.

So I'm like And that's the

bird type of place.

That's the bird from Aladdin. Right? It's the bird

james. From Aladdin.

Oh, that's who we played. That's right. I was trying to remember what do we play. I can play a play.

Wait. I'm confused here. Iago. Yago. Yeah.

You're right.

Oh, I

am right. Okay.

Yeah. I just

don't remember who Yago played

because Iago is the guy. Iago is real.

Well, Iago, they just cast Iago.

Yes.

We all knew Iago.

It your

next year Iago was at

the seller. Gonna get

here though.

And at the improv in the seventies, and we Iago would come through and absolutely slay.

Real celebrities just play themselves. You don't have to change their name. It's actually

you're not high school. Letterman follow Iago Bombs.

Well, we all we wondered for so long when is Yago gonna catch his break? Because everybody who knew knew it was time for Yago.

He's a comics bird.

He's a girl. K. Two comic book. Yes.

He's a Burzburg.

Right? Yeah.

Did you guys see him on Commons uncaged?

My god. Engaged. Yeah. Yes. Yeah.

Yes. The host. Yep. Seagull Allen? Seagull Allen. Yeah. Seagull Allen would set him up like you wouldn't believe.

Mhmm. And just to be clear, it's Seagull a o w l l e n, siegel Allen.

Yeah. Siegel Allen. Yes.

So yeah. Go. You're telling me Jafar abused you all over the set of Latin. It's far. He hit that single spot.

The the the audience went crazy.

There's no better punch line.

And I love

what was it? Birds unleashed? What was

he called?

The Publix unleashed. Comcklix

unleashed. Yeah.

Because the thing about it is, It's filmed in modern day, but those are all people from the early nineties.

You you look and you're like, oh, a whole episode is on. And then you're watching, you're like, wait. They just referenced something modern. We

got yeah.

You can see the audience they're decaying from the time travel. Right. It's hard to travel through time, but they do it with that audience. They don't tell you about it. They they the the government hides

they invented time travel, and they use it for the audiences for comics unleashed.

You don't let us know what

else -- Awesome.

--

easier when you're a cartoon with forest and birds.

Yeah. Comes cage, sir.

Copy that case. And they used it one other place?

Then then the other one, I think, was to make Hitler look funny. Like, the way we know Hitler looks now. Right. Isn't what Hitler originally looked like.

So they would go back and shave his mustache in the middle

of the

night before a big speech into the middle So he looked bad?

He used to have a nice full Sam Elliott mustache. And what they do with the time machine is they in the shape of fun.

Only on nights before a big speech, then it's gonna be recorded.

It's a big speech.

Yeah. Because nobody's gonna follow him if he looks how

we know him to But in that famous video where he's screaming, and and he's freaking out.

Oh, yeah. That one. The one where he's screaming.

The one you guys seen Hitler recap. Oh, my

i was hoping Hitler Hitler would get like, somebody would jump him in line and he would freak the fuck out.

He I mean, he was the first Larry David. I thought.

Yeah. Oh, You just have those little things. I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I

that show was good. Yeah.

Oh, I didn't realize he shot a couple episodes of a show.

He did.

He did.

Yeah. Kerve your anti semite. Oh,

it wasn't was it a crib you judaism for a while? Well, Howard, I'm so sorry. You're yet again another horrible living dream.

Yeah. I really thought that getting some guys on my side, me being the one that brings them in, me doing the sort of entrance interview that I do with all my roommates, I thought I could sort of get in front of it and be like, listen, guys. It's me and you guys. Against everybody else here.

Sure.

Turns out I'm just getting more and more forced out in the in the terrarium. Right now, I don't even have space under the heat lamp.

Really? Yeah. They can Oh, yeah. You must be freezing.

I'm freezing all day long. I I mean, like, literally, like, literally frostbite temperatures sometimes at nights because You guys we gotta talk about how cold we keep it in the gym.

You gotta keep the gym cold.

Yep. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We do have to talk about it. I think it's gotten a little warm lately. I like it at fifty four.

Yeah. That's about right for me.

Because when I'm breaking a sweat, I'm hot. You know? So I'm

also When we let it get above seventy, the towel starts to wake up.

So we

gotta keep it we know it under seventy because the towel wakes up past seventy, and then we have to deal with that.

Right. The big hand towel that now has a heartbeat and will kinda clump through very reminiscent of the bombadable snow.

Yes. In a lot of ways, yeah, same color everything. But anyway, it's been tough I at at this rate, I'm feeling like I'm gonna get squeezed out of the terrarium completely in by the end of the season.

So

oh, Howard. I'm so sorry to hear that because I feel I feel like we're at options with you becoming strong, powerful

--

mhmm.

--

confident. I feel like we if if it's not locking you in a terrarium with some beta animals, Yeah. What with some what's the estimate? An apex predator? What's the opposite?

A succubus.

Howard wish Nowadays.

Wait. What's a succubus?

It was well, it was my attempt at having the bang bus.

The suck you buss.

Oh my god. The suck you buss. You were offering Well, then everybody's saying Well,

the next thing that we're the suck you busses at accidentally became the next bus when people came on and saw me.

And I

would get next bit off to sucky about that.

It was causing stampedes away from

yeah. Yeah. Because

it's, like, there's a man in here who wants to suck you. And people would get, like, alright, and they'd open it up,

and then they'd run away,

and it would catch fire.

You see Tudders, pearly whites on Todd padre.

Well, yeah, you But, yeah, you're You weirdly like an animal of fish, a remora Eel, a remora.

No. More a

eel? No. A remora.

That's really the hell out.

Yeah.

That thing that sucks on the bottom of sharks

--

oh, right.

--

has domned you. Yeah. Yeah? Yeah. It literally needs you to survive and it won't Yeah. You Well,

there's multiple parasites that refuse me. It's it's honestly it's been it's been crazy

can I can I butt in here? Yeah. I'm tired of talking about it as if any of this is acceptable. Right. This is not good for the gym.

Now. Right. You're taking up a

whole huge space. It makes us look horrible. We need to find something for you to do that doesn't make the gym look disgusting and like a zoo.

This is that classic Sam leadership when something is not working. He wants it gone, and he wants to listen to the customer. Mhmm. And he's he's trying to run this gym. So you either have to kill all these animals and fight your way out, or we gotta shut it down.

Mhmm. The terrarium?

What if getting buff ain't for

you? Well.

I've kicked out members before, saying this Feeding thing. Hey. What if being fit isn't for you.

You're making people had it. He's let people have it on day one

--

yeah.

--

when he thought when he was when they went over to those little weights that are colors, And they're, like, two pounds and they're four pounds. Yeah. Sam will say you're fired.

You're fired. I'll fire someone who's paying me no problem. Absolutely. Absolutely.

Well, I don't know, guys. I would love I would love to to stand up to these animals, and I would love to to sort of assert my dominance because I don't want I I'm honestly afraid of what'll happen if you guys it sounds like you're cutting me off. You're saying I

i Well,

it's so You're like a kid

you're like a a son or daughter.

Good. Mhmm. I think you really got that sexual harassment. Seminar we did. I know you didn't

talk about you're gonna insult somebody, you a group of people you have to add in women.

Yeah. Right?

For your opportunity.

Don't yes. So we're like a son

or daughter.

Very good. And you make eye contact with one person

or another. Sam.

That we have to cut off. You're like a child. We have to cut off.

Here's what I think. I think we need to accept you. I think you've been trying to change. We've been trying to change you. I think you need to accept yourself and we need to accept you. Part of that means, you're not the face of our gym. You maybe can't come into the gym, but you're still our friend and guest on our podcast.

What about car parking attendant at a different place.

Right. That's interesting.

We just don't know if we can have you on as a guest every episode. You know what I mean? Yeah.

What are you talking about?

What you you what was the I I forget, why did we start the terrarium?

It was supposed to see sort of people see the process of somebody sort of building themselves up and,

like -- Right.

--

like like like a sort of exhibit of

and how much walking out did you do?

For people to say.

Well, I would have if I hadn't immediately become fucking just well, I'll say it cuck by a hamburger.

That's what I'm saying. Cut by him.

I wonder if You know how sometimes when people can't do they act,

yeah. Sure.

You know what I'm saying?

I'm not familiar

with, but yeah, too. So why at. Uh-huh.

I wonder if if His story could be written by you,

and he said it. Yeah. Where's my notebook? Oh, talk talk's getting inspired. Remember,

no. But he's never what he means. He's never once jotted any idea, though.

Oh, no worries. My But

what do you mean that Todd would write my story? Like, Todd, well, give me script every day?

I don't know. You just feel like Wait. Are you trying? Are you Some actors are very dominant people on screen, and they they find their power through that and then in their life, it's chaos.

You need to express yourself through This is so young in which I love

about it. Mhmm.

You need to express your deep subconscious elsewhere

--

yes. -- to exhume the coward that is that is Howard. Holy. Oh my god. What a great name for a production The coward the coward is Howard.

Well, a face top.

You've never had

but where's my moleskin?

It's not moleskin. He does have that.

He does have a hot sauce made out of chocolate. That he rides shit on. Where's his molly skin? Where's his molly skin?

Damn it. Alright. Well More I'll remember this. I'll remember this. Well, I

remember this.

So what are you saying? Are are are am I supposed to Are you guys

todd, right, your way through But Todd's

not gonna have time. He's working so

much on

what his men were, men.

I freeze a bird. I freeze a bird. Well Which

will happen with what is men what are men?

Who is men what are men? What is men? Exactly.

This could be a colon situation. Who is men what are men? How are men? Colon, Howard the Coward.

Howard the Coward, and it's to it's angels in America, Paris Strica, and millennium approaches. It is a two part six hour

--

yes.

--

fantasia. This is I'm really cooking You

already have so many dishes. Well, you are cooking because you have a molly, right? You have molly in your eyes.

It just feels like it feels like you have it feels like you have almost too fully formed of an idea of what this is Todd without even having any time to have worked on

it.

Oh, this could go up tomorrow.

Yeah. This could be dangerous because I've never seen Todd have an idea of this fully Me

neither, Wayne.

This is really fucking it's improvisational.

It's and that's the thing about all arts is there is improvisation involved in it. Yes. It's not like improv classes because I can't be in those. I'm not allowed. But it is you have to have it in propositional elements to it.

Yeah. Well, I think it could be amazing this I mean, you guys have never worked together on a project that that

was Yeah.

Because yeah. I don't know if you know this, but Todd's been refusing this whole time.

Yeah. But

now I'm really seeing something in you, and I'm seeing promise and I'm seeing your Raw Howard. Let's start working on the script right now altogether, let's workshop. Yes.

Can we do that?

And I'd

be open

to it. Can we do this?

I mean, I'm open to this. Honestly, Well, what they always say is the definition of insanity is trying the same thing expecting a different result. Yeah. And for ten seasons of the show, I've been trying for things.

And it

kinda always ends up in the same place when I don't die.

Well, let me just ask you

a question, Howard. Does the does the idea howard the coward resonate with you anyway.

It's it's gotta speak to you.

If I'm being honest, I spent almost every moment of my waking life afraid of something. Acutely afraid. Not even, like, just thinking about Well,

it's been an ugly afraid.

I gotta be honest

with you.

It's been nothing cute. Nothing cute about your fear.

So it does resonate with me. I think I mean, obviously, my father always called me a coward. My mother always called me a coward. Wow. Teachers used the same

name. Yeah.

And they didn't learn it from each other.

What would you do is unique

to each of them.

Yes. Yeah.

Dorothy's a scared lion friend called you a coward?

The cow. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. And I said, hang on. Have you seen yourself? And he flipped me off, became a middle figure.

Whoa. That was where he started to gain his confidence.

Yeah. Immediately, shaved his whole body. He looked incredible.

That's why it was cowardly. It's too hairy. Yeah. Well, I love that you this speaking to you. I'm just really

i'm I'm open to the process because honestly, the terrarium thing did not work.

No. And that's flat on your back for a week. And you've not only

gotten fetal position.

Uaker, but you've gotten flatter. You've gotten more beef looking. It's been really sad to see.

And I think

you know, I've been noticing some people walking by and just going, you know?

Yeah. And

that's not good for morale.

And that's really sad for me. Know that I'm giving people that feeling because the one thing I've never wanted is to be a downer.

Right. You know? Right.

You're not a downer. You're cowered. And and and we It's good, Todd. I am really feeling this. I don't know if you guys are feeling the electric energy. Mhmm. This is the I haven't felt this spark since I stole the script for mighty ducks and tried to sell it as my own, friend briefly did for a brief moment.

What but then you but you changed the title. It was hefty Quackers?

It was hefty Quackers. I because I had to change some stuff around. It

was pretty it was pretty fat shaming.

Yeah. I thought it was shifted

a little bit as well.

The early nineties were in different times. It was different time in the early nineties.

And then it turned into hefty crackers.

Right? Of

course, Todd had to put a spin on it.

And

then it just turned into fat white.

Which which almost got green lit. Yeah. That that was the closest guy.

Yeah. I mean, fat whites was you know, I look back now and I don't want people to read fat whites because I'm embarrassed by it.

Right. But it

did get your your got your career off the ground.

It did. It did. I was in the gutter, and then I sold fat whites. In the nineties, if you were a gross white man, you could sell anything. Right.

So you went from fat whites and then you wrote for just shoot me?

Yeah. That changed a little bit too.

Go ahead and shoot yourself.

Does that

is that it?

Yeah. But I I I it's I'm realizing for thirty years, I haven't felt inspiration like this. Oh. And I'm seeing Howard the Cow. Okay. Lights up. Open on. Uh-huh. A mom gives birth doctor disappointed.

Right. Well, right. They spank him. They go in for a second spank because they wanna hit him.

Yes. Yes. Rodney Dangerfield says, I'm using this. For my bit.

So far, this is sounding like

dangerfield's in there.

Dangerfield's in here. I'm seeing Dangerfield as the stenographer.

You know, in the hospital room?

No. There's a long courtroom scene. I can see what they're seeing.

Well, occasionally, stenographers have to take other gigs. They don't just get to go to the courtroom every time.

Theographers, the courtroom artists?

Yes. They're in the they're in the delivery room.

Sometimes, even the foreman will be in the delivery room.

You can't expect these people just to work the courthouse.

Dude, I got arrested by a bailiff in a delivery room one time. Apparently, I was standing two close to the bed, bailiff put me in cuffs through me in the hospital jail.

That was the birth of your son. Right?

Yeah.

Don't talk about it much because you got thrown in jail in the in the birth of crime.

I almost got killed in jail.

That was fun that you thought that the doors were, like that you thought that there were, like, supermarket doors, so you stood in the middle of it and they shut out, you know,

like They don't close.

And I did it several times because I was like, it must not have caught me on the sensor.

Oh, shame. I'm sorry to hear that.

I'm sorry. We probably you're sorry

that you gotta it during his birth.

It was like, well, they never came back and found me.

Oh, wow.

So they're off somewhere else. I don't even know.

Cut to first day of school. Howard's there, walks in, pants falls to the ground.

Pants falls to the ground where you and you're willing to be full nude on stage.

Well, I would love to have something covered.

Unlike most children, he handles it like a crybaby. He hates his pants being down and runs straight to the principal's office.

Well, obviously, I have to get a prosthetic to make that look a little bigger like a kid's penis.

Hey. Come on. No. I I think it's Canon, that mine's fine.

No. The pupil just took a picture of it last week.

The pupil telescope, if you remember. Yeah. Okay. So howard's pants fall down. Cut two. He's writing on the board in his Bart Simpson hat. Yeah. While you're aware of the bird Simpson hair. What? It's Oh,

i like to Yeah. Write that down in the moly.

Alright. Don't touch your eyes.

Tosh, you know, I I have a hard time asking for things But -- Mhmm.

--

i didn't really get to eat today, and I was wondering if I could have might have your notebook after after we finished

yeah. I'm here. In the back, there's a little this is like the calendar I started for like wake up at nine AM, take a walk.

I don't know as well. Yeah. I've had that.

So, yeah, you can have all those pages from, I guess, from take a walk to call my kids, you can eat that.

All these things are on different pages?

You can eat finish finish the office Brit Pritzi's British. I don't think we get through that.

You probably don't need to

remind me of that. Six episodes, Scott. I just could not make it through that crowd.

Is it British? I was only six episodes.

Yeah. It's a short take on series across the pond.

Oh, god. They know how

to do this in a sec.

Well, Well,

let's just get the first one put

a let's put a pit in this. Get the first one. Because I am cooking here. I'm loving this, but we can't write a whole play on Mike.

Right. Right. Many I mean, we could.

Alright. We're at the school. What else? What else? Howard is part Simpson hat. It's pastiche. People go, oh, simpsons. If we get the rights of the Simpsons songs, that plays. If not, I'll sing it.

We might be able to.

We might be able to.

We might be able to. Yeah.

You always do Alcatel of the Simpsons song

--

i do. -- your place.

Yeah. And my place, karaoke.

But you but you just do acapella of the instrumental.

Doh.

God, it's like we're back

at the carry on tomorrow. Awesome. It's so hot. That's Okay. So Bart Simpson, he's riding on the board. My pants will not fall down anymore. I am Howard. Now we go to modern day.

Okay. We've set up

we've set up

modern day and we'll flash back to childhood and get more context.

Howard's depressed. He's bald. He's losing his mind, and he's hanging out with his three buffest coolest friends who for some reason accept him and nobody gets it. It's the big question mark.

Right. He's nervous to be a guest. On the podcast.

Note in the mowle skin. We need we need to get muscle suits for buff friend characters right by us. Okay.

Pinky cars. Pinky cars.

Pinky car. Oh my god.

Piggie cars.

It's like a piggy bank but for cars, just pulled up outside here.

Something pulled up outside got a piggy car. That's actually for me.

Are we on lights here?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. We're not being picked

by, man. Pigy car. Yeah. That's a piggy car for you or we know who.

Well, guys, I also Yeah. Obviously, we focus a lot on Howard's failures today. I have to be honest about some of my own failures. I'm lost on the equation. Oh. I thought I had the fitness equation figured out, but I am stumped, and now I got thirty variables. In there, and I can't figure it out at all.

Well, what are some of the variables?

X, y, z, m, all

of it. Okay. It's just there's

so much going on. And I thought I had it nailed down, you know. You do two push ups an hour for every year that you wanna extend your life. Right?

So if

you wanna extend your life, one year, you have to do two push ups an hour, two push ups,

four who push ups an hour.

Just two push ups an hour, we don't

have to riff on it.

Yep. Every hour forever. And then I thought, okay, well, you got that, but then you're also gonna have your sit ups every day. Right? But if you multiply your sit ups times your push ups, yeah, I think a little bit stronger. But are you actually going to reach your goals? And that's what I didn't figure out. Obviously, you're gonna get a little bit stronger. But I don't know how to hit the goals specific Well, because

you gotta even you gotta know what the equation equals. Exactly. The other every equation is equals something. What is this equation

my equation has been unbalanced. That's the problem. Wow.

This is like Darren Ernovsky's first film pie where the character wants to find the mathematical equation that is the God number.

So what's are you saying that your clients your equation isn't adding up and your clients are starting lose faith in you.

They're starting

to lose faith.

Affecting your clients,

are they not losing weight?

Are they losing weight? Are they gaining muscle only on one side? What what is what's happening?

That's the issue. They're gaining muscle on the top and not the bottom. Okay.

So worst thing that you could do is have

fitness course. Musk was working with you, and we just saw his picture shirt was personally.

He's all torso.

So we got a bunch of guys that looked like the robot from the Jetsons.

Yeah. They're rolling around on one foot row, and they got huge shoulders. Right.

And

they're starting to get pissed at me because they're noticing that their legs no results. And I'm like, just stick with it one, two more days. You're gonna get a little bit stronger.

Wait. How did they get on one wheel? Was that part of the equation? Yes.

If you work out hard enough, on the treadmill, your feet will turn into a wheel.

Oh my gosh.

Quick evolution is happening. That's right. Insanely fast evolution is happening on our treadmill.

I'm just nervous that I'm starting to lose credibility, and people are dropping their training things with me all the time. They still come to the gym, but they're dropping their training sessions, and those are big money

i weirdly saw and I don't even I know you know about the wheel foot. Mhmm. But I actually saw that swim class you teach, there a couple of those guys had fins

--

oh, god.

--

gills.

They don't even need me anymore.

Like, it is I'm toast. Superfast evolution is happening all around the gym somehow. Alright.

I'm pivoting. I'm gonna handle the mental health of every gym go where there is.

Mental health you can't

yes. It is.

Remember? Physical health was not, but I

helping other people with your mental health is not how you fix losing your own mind. We have gone over this, Sam. Uh-huh. I hate to be mister Know at all about you guys here, but then -- Yeah.

--

you know, you've tried this before.

Right.

And we are having immediate evolution this Jim. I don't know if we're in not to reference another beautiful film, but annihilation.

We're in some kind of bubble, like some

kind of weird Weird alien bubble where things happens to be You're

saying I need to cut my hair all off. Is that what you're saying? Are you saying I need to cut my hair off and have a new persona? That way, people would trust me again?

I it didn't work for me when I broke up with my girlfriend in college. I don't know that it's a solution for you.

I know. Okay. I

don't think if you cut your hair off and get a motorcycle, Vespa. It'll change everything.

Well, I can't afford a Best Buy, instead of a video, one wheel y'all are.

I mean, if you want, I just opened up the the cold day

--

mhmm. -- based on cryo soaks. Okay. At the at the at the front bar.

That would be really good for me. I think my brain has been overheating from all the math. And I think I just I need to cool it down and get back to myself.

Here's what I think we literally need. I think we need a nap mid up as said. Nah. I think we have Yeah. When's last time you slept, Sam?

Twenty four days ago. Yeah. You're gonna get a little bit sleep here. Yeah. Probably two months ago.

Jesus, when's the last time you slept a full night's sleep?

I mean, I took a full I took a two a quick three hour military now. Right before the recall.

It's not a military man.

It was for mine. We we lost. We lost we got into so many skirmishes who go see. And we got killed. We got absolutely killed. Well,

i think it's a great idea. Let's take a mid episode nap, we'll come back fully refreshed and know exactly how to fix the gym. I mean, keep the gym going well.

Which it is

and Come on down to the third street fitness center.

If you get a membership now, we will please get a membership please. We do.

I'll kiss your ass.

And I guess and you know what? Maybe we just hit the theme song into the break because I just realized we forgot to introduce you though.

Yeah. Hit sucks into the break.

Wow. Wow. Wow.

Oh, yeah.

What time is? No.

I went to sleep at about seven PM, and it's Eight, like, eight? Little cold.

Probably eight like eight thirty.

Getting warmer but pretty cold.

Eleven

eleven?

Eleven, is it? Eleven.

Lab. Getting warmer but really still cold. Well, what date are you on? What date?

What date?

Yeah. Thursday.

It

does feel like eleven, but I'll say it's three days later. I feel like I'm hibernated.

Mailed it. What Yeah. We slept three days in three hours.

We slept three days.

Whoa. And three hours. And the gym's been just front door wide open.

Shit. I've been we we should probably just I

think we've been doing so much. I've been feeding this so much pre workout. We hadn't slept for weeks.

Oh my god.

I'm almost scared to open the door and see what's going on out there.

Yeah. I see. George, are we

right till later?

There

i mean, last thing we're talking about was super fast evolution, so it could be that bad.

Yeah.

Yeah. We slept in a conference room. The gym Jim's been running. Once the gym's running, it kinda, you know, self sustaining.

Yeah. Just peaked its its future. It's it's future in there. What? It's future in there. Just had a couple r two d two motherfuckers. What?

I'm trying

to say something. I don't know what they said.

Someone just cleaned eight thousand pounds.

We gotta get the bathroom mayor out there and clean

this shit. Holy shit. What are we gonna do? Okay. Bath mayor's robocop. Hang on. I just looked out bathroom mirrors where I woke up.

Is that good?

I don't know. I mean, I think the whole part of that movie was Hang on.

Do you guys see that sign on the wall across there?

I was saying the point of Robocuff. Yeah. What was the point of revocuff? No. We'll look at the sign.

It just says it just says, there are no rulers here.

What? What?

What's that mean?

But we're the owners.

Okay. We need to get through all

have the ruler thing on it.

I don't know. That's what it'd be.

IPhone. What

do you think it means?

Feels like maybe some sort of, like, society sprung up in our absence.

What do they they it looks like they're going to some church over there or like they're they do worship some one or something. Some sort

of let's see it. It looks kind of white.

It was a

giant anthropomorphic towel.

Oh my god. The towel's baptizing, people.

Oh my god. And everybody's sharing the weights perfectly. It's like they've gone full socialist or something.

Oh, wow.

Not how we like it.

No. Wait. Look at those twelve muscle men with the towel. Whoa. Whoa. Look how they're their nipples face straight down to the floor

because their chest is so big. Whoa.

It must do a lot of upper chest.

You know it's matches so big. And if

we're just just gone and

on the bottom, It's in the crevice.

It's in the crevice. It's so

much muscle stuffed into the pet.

Oh, no.

That that nipple just falls off of the

but wait. Wait. Wait. But look how nice the gym looks.

It's really

nice and cool. Everything's clean. The racquetball courts are brisk steam. There's no zoo in there.

Hang on.

Everyone smiling at each other as they walk by.

It's weird.

Wait. There's only eight bustle men. Maybe there's room

oh, you because you think that you think they're still kind of subscribing to the twelve decipher rule that there has to be twelve?

I I don't know, but I thought there were -- Well,

there are

four seats at that big long table.

I've never really seen myself as a a disciple I'm more of a leader than a follower. Yeah.

I've only I've always seen you as like a Jesus Christ type.

Oh, thank you. Yeah. I guess you're right. I guess you're right about that. You know, I am waking up kinda hungry if they are at the last meal. I could have a loaf or a fish.

Yeah. I mean, we could eat just cod

that is high

in protein.

Why are we assuming it's their last supper? For them, it's just

so early.

It's just politics. The opposite here.

And it's yeah. We all know the like, it looks like we the thing we all know

after the last supper.

Appreciate because they look like they've got it really figured.

It honestly feels like nobody would even know us down there. I don't see anybody I remember from three days ago.

Yeah. I mean, there's been a quick evolution here. Yeah.

I don't see Brock. Yeah. I don't see Tyler.

What Brock's gone? I don't see him. Me Brock and Tyler were all gonna go see Thor again.

How many times?

Like, how many times more? Which time would it have been? Yeah.

Which time would it have been?

Eight. Wow. Yeah. We love Michael Where's

miss Tyler?

Where's mister Richards?

Where's mister Richards?

Whoa. Is he up on high?

Mister Richards.

Okay. Okay.

Mister Richards did sacrifice his son. Okay. No. Mister Richards, no. Mister Richards. No.

Oh, you just stopped last minute. He just stopped last minute.

Oh, thank goodness. Oh, no. Wait. He was just getting out his knife?

Oh, no. Oh my god. Oh, no. He's dropping the Smith machine with a knife Guillotine style on his son. Uh-huh. Sun Richard Stow. I don't think a sacrifice has to use to you, team. Oh, to spit the shit out of chop. Stop the head. It's the crowd. Look. Look. Somebody's throwing the head back and forth and doing abs. No. No.

No. Wait a minute.

Alright. Alright. Hang on. We're hanging

the body up. They're hanging the body up by a big big chain, and I think using it as a heavy bag.

Has this become a Christian religious gym?

They're punch in the bag.

They're they're speed back in the

jesus. How do they

even speed it?

Sunric it's down.

Okay. This can't be Alright. Alright.

I'm just gonna go back out. Do a couple calf raises. Act normal.

Oh, okay.

Work out a little bit.

This is like in the movie, zombie movies where you go

and you act like the zombies. Yeah. You know, we do have to put ourselves

--

yeah.

--

if only there was somebody here who is great at training people for putting themselves in the head space of another character.

Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, I could try it. For you guys.

I'd do whatever.

Thank you. Mhmm. Alright. So we gotta go out there and act like we're robot, Chris, who worship towels who evolve. Yeah.

This has right

this has, like,

so It's good. So we really have to put ourselves in that mindset.

Are we dreaming? Are we dreaming? Hang on,

slap me.

Just No. It's just No. Oh, fuck. Good.

Shit. Okay. We

can be. Yeah.

We should be.

Let me slap you.

Let me slap you.

Yeah. I guess it's only whoever's dream it is that the slap would work for. You at home, slap yourself real quick.

Ready? On three, slap yourself.

Two three.

Three, two, one.

Welcome back to the second half, fool.

Welcome back to the second half of the teachers' lounge. The cat we wanna thank our big mustache president Hitler. All hail president Hitler, the grand son of our old mustache president Hitler.

Hang on. The best

guy on the teacher's line. Where do

you read in? Some everybody there listening

to Microsoft

on three three two one. Oh,

wow. Oh

my gosh. Oh my gosh. Normal and buff again.

Wow. I've been awake, and

i just had a lot of

sex. Okay.

Okay. We're definitely dreaming.

Slappies out.

Still is weird. Now who which are you sickos out there as dreaming that Howard's not a virgin anymore?

This is like as interesting as inception.

Yeah. Yes. Oh, maybe we have to shove Howard in slow motion.

Oh, yeah. The Chubb Howard into the bathtub.

Once he splashes, we'll all wake up.

I would lean backwards on this chair, and we're gonna push you back into the tub. Okay?

Okay. I don't know

if in the tub just in case the

water doesn't wake him up.

And in this reality, I am French. I'm French in this reality. We are friends

in this reality.

This reality, we are friends.

I design turn. It has little feet. Little feet.

It's a little French bathtub.

Why don't you have a seat in front of the bath? Tubs amongst your amongst your leavis.

Alright. I sure hope this week's us up or else. We're faking Alright? Wow.

Wow.

Okay. Okay.

I think we're back at the gym and it's good now.

Yeah. Look out the door. Look out the door.

Okay. It's the same guy. Okay.

I do have to say logic wise, if we know those were dreams, then we're still in somebody's dream. Right? We have to wake up not having been aware that there were any dreams at all for us to be actually in an episode of the teacher's life again. We can't know that all this happened. Right? Because then we're still aware of the dream.

I mean, I've watched inception so many times and I don't get it. Maybe we need to go to the matter, Harish.

No. Just

oh, no. Don't get it in the metaverse.

Oh, yeah. We're in the metaverse. Not another.

Everything's in the metaverse now.

No. Todd, you're so fucking excited about this.

I'm successful for it now.

I'm Oscar winning the game.

Todd, you got hot dog fingers.

Somebody unplug it. Somebody unplug the v the v r headsets. If they if we're in the freaking metaverse, we gotta get up.

Oh, that's the metaverse. I thinking about the multiverse.

Oh, you take a god. I'm

just saying multiverse. No.

No. Not the metaverse. The multiverse. Okay. Okay.

Can we please be in the multiverse?

Let's be in the multiverse.

Hey. Somebody wake up and wake up out there and we'll see if we're in

the multiverse. Oh my god. My hand is turning into little squares. Oh, now we're all pieces of paint.

Now we're in some empty shadowy area. Yeah.

And it's snowing. And the demogorgon is here, and I'm more confused.

Now we're in a cash grab

of a movie. Oh my god. We're in the cash grab.

I love this show. Alright. Now I should can you get before you get pinged?

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. So let cash

crab. Yes.

What's our first question?

Oh my god. It's been crably. Wow.

When you're under the ocean, how many choices are there if

things to eat? Is

it a? One.

This is the hardest cash prep.

We know it's not one. Yay. Twenty

on. Oh, c. Thousand.

Okay. At least there's not a d. Okay. So it's one twenty four

or a thousand I think I know the answer

for sure.

Who are we talking about?

What I guess, depends on

what person is there. Like if it says, clarification on the ocean floor.

Okay. Okay.

Look at it.

It doesn't clarify.

I don't know. It doesn't

i guess that it's

gotta be now.

It's gotta be now SBC. CQCumber's

kelp all the different kinds of salmon.

Fish on the ocean floor, idiot. They're swimming. Idiot. Idiot.

Well, we just said three idiots. Oh, shit. We're in a cabin. And it's nighttime and it's raining.

Okay. Like, the hell?

Okay. Let's see. We're in a cabin. So this is probably the most

why is it moving around? Are we in a crabbing?

Oh, no. We have

a cabin on crab legs. No. It's fuck.

Okay. So we got a dip the house in butter.

Right? Right?

Wait. There's not enough butter in the world to be able to dip this house in butter. What Where do we get all this butter? Wait. Check the fridge. Open the fridge. Mhmm. Full of butter. Wow. Okay. Great.

Full of butter. Perfect. Well, we gotta melt the butter. And how do you guys melt butter? Do you time it or do you push the soften or melt per thing on the the oven?

Oh, I light it up. I lied it up.

But that gun away, Bill.

Well, part of it's melting.

I'm shot you you did shoot

what's your

what's your name?

What do you mean? I I'm Howard. I look like myself, don't I?

No. You

look like President Bill Clinton.

No. There's no way I look like, you

know Bill.

Bill. Wait. Wait. Wait. Todd.

Like, don't

yeah. Right. If there's one thing I would do, it's not in hell.

Wait. Wait. What, Sam?

Yes.

You look like BBC. The president, Bill Clinton.

I did not. Brushed my hair this morning.

Oh, wait. It's supposed

to stay

with you. Bill.

Bill. What?

You look like a saxophone. I wanna play you like Monica's lips.

Let me play. Alright. I'll bring my hands

on you. Let's all play them at the same time and see what happens.

Okay, guys. So I think we kind of lost the thread on my play.

Well, it's all about we thought about the multiverse.

Everybody loves Spokey

birds too.

It has to be at Baltimore.

Look at

the snow carts. Look at the no carts. See, it works.

It works if we if it if we go here and then we take it back here,

look at no cards.

Yes. Yeah. I have no complaints that we wouldn't Make

it more complicated. Head longer. More complicated and longer.

If it made a true card, it was a good idea at one point. We just need to figure out how

to use it. Okay. As long as multiverse and two hour and forty minutes,

people will go. People will go. Don't see it.

I fully agree. Very long. We love sit theater chairs. If there's anything I want to escape from reality, to be next to strangers for an an extended period of time

right now. Right.

Right. And people wanna come see the other place.

Well, what what if we have what

if we have the the star of the movie, introduce it at the beginning in person and say, welcome back to the movies. Okay. Even though COVID's never been hot We can

do it, but we were not gonna be able to light them well, and we can't use a good camera.

Oh, boy. They're really weird.

Okay. I like this.

What if they're completely out of touch?

And their face looks crazy.

Okay. Okay.

Okay. Alright. So Howard -- Yeah. -- I've written to you I've written for you a little introduction to the play.

Oh, wait.

So this is what'll play before.

Okay.

Well, Howard, here's the thing. I guess one of us will do an intro about why theater is important, and then you'll introduce the play.

Okay. Wait a second. Todd, you're actually letting me be in the play about me.

Oh, I thought that was how we were gonna exercise your your demon.

But I I I just assumed I would end up being in the audience. You're actually gonna let me be in

it. That's the catharsis for you.

It's -- Oh.

--

you do it.

You do it.

Now And

before, you introduce how important theater is. I think we need a duo to talk about refreshments.

We certainly

right. And I don't know, Bill.

I'm looking over at you and I'm looking at me. You wore your tab shoes. Right?

You know, I did. You know, I always got metal drilled on the bottom of my feet.

Go get a soda. And some popcorn. Go get a soda and some sweets. After the soda and the sweets,

beats now available. Hard and cupboard dirt.

Yeah. That's right. The theater now has dirty, muddy produce, straight from the ground. And that's how

you know it's fresh. It looks like fruit you've never seen before.

Fresh dirty beets, fresh dirty beets, fresh dirty beets and metal in our feet. Enjoy the shield.

Alright. Alright. And action.

Hi. It's me.

You butt you jump the orbiter. Hey, guys, that's gonna be easier. So professional. And then you chump

the order.

I missed I guess I misheard the order. I thought I do the spiel about being that excited to be back in the theater but

talk to you.

He is the goal kidman. You're a reactor.

We never even got crudes.

Kidman. Did we?

He's talking about how portent theater is.

Oh, god.

You're talking about theater.

Okay. Fine. Alright. Fine. I'm sorry. I was got confused. I've never had this much responsibility.

Okay. Alright. We'll we'll it's fine.

It's fine.

Enjoy. That

show.

Wow. It's been a wild few years

hasn't It's been a while.

Do that one. But I'll tell you one thing that isn't stained. The the reputation of the fine theater. Watching actors, tread the boards. Speaking so loud, you can see their spit from the crowd. I know one thing. Oh, it's a

poem. Oh, it rhymes. Every

sentence rhymes. I know one thing. I would come here if I was sting, parenthesis wrestler, or singer. But the one scorpion death lock that you'll be in,

and he went up.

He's pretending. He's pretending. No. He's pretending he's pretending to be locked up instead.

He's paralyzed. He went

he's pretending because he doesn't know what the rest of it is.

Alright. Can you tell the line? Wow. Give him this line. Give him this line.

Howard Whoa. Anne. It it it's one deathlock you've been in.

Is Lord. Lloyd.

Top, you're faking. You can just come out of it.

No. No. He's stuck in a line loop.

To think, you'll be in whether you're a singer, wrestler or singer, the only scorpion death, like, you'll be in is the police.

Oh, you brought him back. Good.

Here's the police.

That was close. We almost lost it.

And you will be hailing ACab on the way out here. But if you're the police, you're a bastard.

Oh, it's getting so political. I

got it.

I feel

like you're covering a lot of ground with this, Todd. I don't think my part's gonna be useful anymore.

No. You're just specifically about the film.

Oh, plays, plays, plays. Pay my favorite cell phone, please. Stincilence.

Too silly. And please.

Break it down. My name's Repiton, and I'm here to say, I like to watch plays in every way. Shakespeare. Other guy. Other guy. Try sir. That's three playwrights and also, Chassir. Jeez. But playwrights, sure. Only, guys. I was just cheating a little biased when I tried to name a few. There's also play right Some are Jews, Neil Simon, Tony Kushner. Tony Kushner.

It's still all bad.

Sorry. Is that that what I come in? He rubbed it. Did I come in the record? Perfect. Yes.

Yes. There were fourteen more I the lights are coming down. The lights are coming down.

Okay. They're ready to hear your brief speech.

Perfect. Alright. Now, yours is about theater.

It's about theater. Don't

worry. It's

about theater.

Yes. Okay. Hi. It's me, Howard Levis, also known as Howard The Coward. Thanks for heading to the theater. I mean,

we're just rehearsing sex.

Hey. You puked on me. Can you blame me?

No. I

guess it's all out of the way what you

see Howard and Howard? You got a view.

Jesus Christ.

Thank you all so much for coming. I know for a long time, we've been on the outside looking in.

Good. Good.

God on the outside. Staying. Yeah. He's here.

Okay. Liggs, you just stayed.

Aaron Lewis is here. Aaron Lewis.

Oh, I don't wanna make it about me. Keep going. Okay.

Well, thank you all so much for being here. Not every day that you get to spend so much time working on art and perfecting it. I'm very excited for you all to see the things that we've worked on. It comes from the heart, and it tells the story of a man myself, growing up without confidence. And be and eventually becoming an adult with low confidence. And then becoming an aging adult, and hoping that that changes. Thank you so much. If you get uncomfortable in the middle of the play, don't leave. Walk. And also, at the end of the play, there will be a talk at with the writer. So, again, don't leave. Thank you so much, and enjoy the show.

Hey. I I actually have to, like, really go to the bathroom. Can I get out of here real quick?

Uh-huh. No.

Come on. I'm going to go to the bathroom.

Well, use it

how are you gonna handle that? How are you gonna handle that

when somebody says they have to go to the bathroom?

When I'm not gonna tell Aaron Lewis from staying that he can't go to the bathroom.

I got a really good idea from the song, and I need to go to the bathroom to write it down.

Alright. One exception.

Why the band is called Staying.

Yeah. I I don't usually talk about this, but I took a big one and I wiped. And I looked at the toilet paper, and I man. It says stained or what?

It's not stained. It's

what would you use it again? No. You flush it. It's not a stain

pizza forever stain.

But that second thing you would use again. You don't call toilet paper staying.

Well, yeah. At my house, we wash it.

We reuse it. Oh, really?

Yes. It's still stained, but the junks are out.

Erin.

Let him out.

Thank you. Let me check. Eric.

He's Stains about poop.

It's not clean. It's but the shocks are allocated.

I it's so delicate.

And then they watch it.

Eric. Come back. God, man. I've got it. No. I'm gone, man.

By the album if you wanna know.

Alright. Oh, you You talk about it.

Wow. Wow.

Alright, guys. So

that's crazy Aaron was at where her play.

Wow.

Is that the soft open?

I didn't know.

I did. Well, I didn't, but you can tell.

What do you guys think about the dirty beats

i mean, Beats are high are Are you

talking about you guys' dirty beer boxing for

my rap?

Or Yo.

I think you're talking about the the muddy beach. We're selling.

Well, you actually know we just signed this week, the beats are by Dray. Hey. You guys are farm.

Wow, farmer tray.

Yes. He does them all. He doesn't

not a doctor anymore. That's how. Well, so that was a great kind of preview -- Yeah.

--

on the show. Now we'll go out and do lights of the opening and we'll do lights up

on the

show and I kinda think we'll have to stop recording just because this wanna be able to buy tickets.

I'm really nervous if I'm being honest.

Well, Steve, I'm just up tonight.

I don't feel prepared at all. I feel like

you know what I'm do what I'm do when I'm nervous?

What I'm doing when I'm nervous?

You've got to find your center. Right? Mhmm. Okay. Go stand and look in that corner. We're not even here.

Okay?

Find your center. Keep bring your microphone. Okay. And move. Okay.

Go just remember, you've been

a coward your whole life.

Day one.

All you have to do is step out on that stage.

Yes.

And your your coward is

gonna take over. You're gonna be a coward.

You've failed at everything you've ever done. So all you have to do is keep doing what you've been doing.

It's all you gotta do.

Isn't the goal of this play to make me feel better, by

myself?

Once you're done with the play, yeah, but here, You know, if you don't like this to prank.

I mean, if you could deliberate,

no. It's not a break. It's just not No.

And you just did that whole monologue in front of Staines, Aaron Lewis.

That's right.

It did

it did walk him.

No. You kinda want his

stomach walking him.

The peace walk. Yeah. He's squatted.

Oh, god. We this his toilet paper is gonna be funny.

Oh my gosh. It will be funny.

Gosh. That's the funniest

thing to get. You ever

got funny toilet paper? Yes.

I hate to admit it, but yeah.

Yeah. It's funny.

I never I never look because I don't if you don't look, You never know. It's, like, in my bank account, my toilet paper, you just let it be.

Your breath. You don't look.

You're good to go.

Well, I think we're good. Other than I mean, I know we were just workshoping most of the story, and it was heavily multi It's it's super b

s o t. Little matter of yours. That's what previews are for.

Okay.

I have bombed every preview at at the dorm. It's how you learn. If this is Well, if there

are views if you say anything the first couple weeks, bomb too, Todd.

Well, yeah. And the and the full run and stuff, but the previews are where you really learn you got and what you got. Okay?

Yeah. Yeah.

Alright. Well, there's no other way. We can't go back.

No. So guys, tune in next week. Gonna see how the preview went, and if we're gonna get multiple dates.

Mhmm.

Because the preview tells you if you're gonna get dates, Yeah.

The preview lets you know if you're gonna get dates.

And also, the after party. The after party is up at edible eats.

It is.

Call them

up, have something that is edible and eat it.

B y o everything else, but edible eats.

Yes. No cups.

No cups. No liquids. No nothing. No drinks.

Not even no drinks, no liquids.

No. No liquids, no drinks, no nothing.

No sauces?

Howard. Uh-uh.

I got your back out

there. Got your back.

Howard, I I they have your back. These

guys. Where

are you gonna be?

He's working the trapdoor. There's a lot of trapdoor changes.