Cash Crab

I'm fucking exhausted. Are you? Yes. What's going on?

These new fucking roommates.

Your roommates?

Guys, remind me next time when I'm gonna buy some animals to come and be on my team in the terrarium, remind me to read the fine print.

So you've got a few animals that are eating your stuff in the fridge, Like, being too loud, having sex. Yeah. I

got these guys. I ordered a snake, a frog, a turtle, and a lizard,

uh-huh. To

help me sort of

make it more true.

Make it and and to be on my team, you know, have somebody help me help me out my mobile army maybe? Turns out these guys are just these guys are making it worse.

Are they deleting your recordings

--

yeah. -- in your Tivo? Damn.

Yeah. Uh-uh. Yeah. You know, I have the TV on and and I record all the all the different reruns of survivor. All the competitive reality shows. These guys go in there. They don't even watch them. Or maybe they watch them and they just when they're done, they hit, don't save for later, delete. Right. If you are watching my Tivo, you gotta say for later -- What?

you can't delete it at all.

--

Are reptiles watching? Surriver.

Wow. It's that popular.

Yeah.

The way they're deleting yours and recording their own survivors,

well, they're they're finding out I'm not I don't see mine, and I got I'm trying to watch the new season. And the only thing that I'm seeing on the Tivo is stuff that I recorded like six or seven months ago

or been

i was in there kinda bored the other day flipping around. Who recorded all that meerkat manners. Is that you? Yeah. That's me.

That's you.

That's me. I'm a

man Power to watch meerkat Manor with a napkin in his shirt and a fork and knife licking his lip

and what is is that like downton Abbey, but with little cats that stand on their hind legs, like the manner of it all. Yes.

There was. There a a show of the same name that was on, like, Discovery or Animal Planet that they kinda, like, did fake stories. Like, like, where they like, it was just, like, a a nature show where some characters were Meerkath. Meerkat Manor is is a full production where the entire cats

--

the entire the entire cast is a meerkat. Yeah. They all have lines. They hit their marks.

--

right.

I went to a talkback at SAG for meerkat Manor. And what are the big

those are great events.

Oh, oh. Oh, they're so good. Informative.

And people asking the questions, don't wanna hear themselves talk.

And

a couple of those meerkats just ripped the shit out of a snake just absolutely demolished this little snake up front that was asking about what it's like to be the only Meerkat that's out of the closet on the cast.

And the meerkat's overreacted about

wait a minute. It's fucking his ass. Yeah.

the meerkat

Yeah. Not the way you want your ass eating now.

But no. No. No. No. No. But gave a beautiful answer up top about being out in the industry. Yeah.

That's great.

Yeah. Yeah.

Apparently, that Mercket also was Tamon's understudy.

No. Yeah. He knows Tamon.

Oh, I've been trying to get Timone's autograph for years.

I know. I we've been waiting outside of Timone's on Broadway right now doing funny girl.

And it is the funniest funny girl that's ever been.

Yeah. Capital, if you're in and why?

Capital funny. Capital funny.

Capital funny lowercase girl.

Yeah. Very little girl.

Little girl. I don't know. I'm a purist, but without Pumba, Tommon is nothing. I I really prefer Tommon. Right.

That's a shame.

Yeah. And you have seen what Puma was up to these days.

Oh. Puma did not It

was horrible.

Puma was hanging out with, like, the lead singer of White Snake and Vince Neil. Yeah.

Who It's definitely not hakuna matata.

I saw Pumba at a Piceto moss on the sunset song using a big, huge laptop computer from the nineties. No. No. And I was, like, Damn. I'm boomba. Yeah. Boom. And I he was emailing he had an email open subject to moan

--

no. -- tomorrow. Who was it too, I wonder.

I think you're not

of a nice siva.

Trying to get back in the grace I

think he I saw Rofiki at meet com. Oh, alright. In the in the email. And I think you I think he's talking shit about Tommon

in my heart. You know

what's crazy? I saw Rafiqi running a commercial audition recently. I was in that Oh,

did you audition for her, Vickie?

I still do a little bit of auditioning on the side. Of course.

were in Hollywood, Sam Silver.

You you

Oh, you know what the hardest part is. Rafiki has to get out of his little song before you can do your thing every time.

Oh my god.

I mean, Rafiki ate one of those juiciest plump things he eats, the gourd. Yes. Yeah. Or, no, he paints with it. But he was eating the paint.

Oh my god.

Refiki's in bad shape. He's got paint all over his mouth. He's he's

it's a classic

hollywood story.

It is.

I actually went to that new ice cream shop up the street. Guess who's serving my ice great. Uh-uh. Oh, no. Iago.

No. Oh, no. God.

So I'm like And that's the

bird type of place.

That's the bird from Aladdin. Right? It's the bird

james. From Aladdin.

Oh, that's who we played. That's right. I was trying to remember what do we play. I can play a play.

Wait. I'm confused here. Iago. Yago. Yeah.

You're right.

Oh, I

am right. Okay.

don't remember who Yago played

Yeah. I just

because Iago is the guy. Iago is real.

Well, Iago, they just cast Iago.

Yes.

We all knew Iago.

next year Iago was at

It your

the seller. Gonna get

here though.

And at the improv in the seventies, and we Iago would come through and absolutely slay.

Real celebrities just play themselves. You don't have to change their name. It's actually

you're not high school. Letterman follow Iago Bombs.

Well, we all we wondered for so long when is Yago gonna catch his break? Because everybody who knew knew it was time for Yago.

He's a comics bird.

He's a girl. K. Two comic book. Yes.

He's a Burzburg.

Right? Yeah.

Did you guys see him on Commons uncaged?

My god. Engaged. Yeah. Yes. Yeah.

Yes. The host. Yep. Seagull Allen? Seagull Allen. Yeah. Seagull Allen would set him up like you wouldn't believe.

Mhmm. And just to be clear, it's Seagull a o w l l e n, siegel Allen.

Yeah. Siegel Allen. Yes.

So yeah. Go. You're telling me Jafar abused you all over the set of Latin. It's far. He hit that single spot.

The the the audience went crazy.

There's no better punch line.

And I love

what was it? Birds unleashed? What was

he called?

The Publix unleashed. Comcklix

unleashed. Yeah.

Because the thing about it is, It's filmed in modern day, but those are all people from the early nineties.

You you look and you're like, oh, a whole episode is on. And then you're watching, you're like, wait. They just referenced something modern. We

got yeah.

You can see the audience they're decaying from the time travel. Right. It's hard to travel through time, but they do it with that audience. They don't tell you about it. They they the the government hides

they invented time travel, and they use it for the audiences for comics unleashed.

else -- Awesome.

You don't let us know what

--

easier when you're a cartoon with forest and birds.

Yeah. Comes cage, sir.

Copy that case. And they used it one other place?

Then then the other one, I think, was to make Hitler look funny. Like, the way we know Hitler looks now. Right. Isn't what Hitler originally looked like.

So they would go back and shave his mustache in the middle

night before a big speech into the middle So he looked bad?

of the

He used to have a nice full Sam Elliott mustache. And what they do with the time machine is they in the shape of fun.

Only on nights before a big speech, then it's gonna be recorded.

It's a big speech.

Yeah. Because nobody's gonna follow him if he looks how

we know him to But in that famous video where he's screaming, and and he's freaking out.

Oh, yeah. That one. The one where he's screaming.

The one you guys seen Hitler recap. Oh, my

i was hoping Hitler Hitler would get like, somebody would jump him in line and he would freak the fuck out.

He I mean, he was the first Larry David. I thought.

Yeah. Oh, You just have those little things. I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I

that show was good. Yeah.

Oh, I didn't realize he shot a couple episodes of a show.

He did.

He did.

Yeah. Kerve your anti semite. Oh,

it wasn't was it a crib you judaism for a while? Well, Howard, I'm so sorry. You're yet again another horrible living dream.

Yeah. I really thought that getting some guys on my side, me being the one that brings them in, me doing the sort of entrance interview that I do with all my roommates, I thought I could sort of get in front of it and be like, listen, guys. It's me and you guys. Against everybody else here.

Turns out I'm just getting more and more forced out in the in the terrarium. Right now, I don't even have space under the heat lamp.

Sure.

Really? Yeah. They can Oh, yeah. You must be freezing.

I'm freezing all day long. I I mean, like, literally, like, literally frostbite temperatures sometimes at nights because You guys we gotta talk about how cold we keep it in the gym.

You gotta keep the gym cold.

Yep. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We do have to talk about it. I think it's gotten a little warm lately. I like it at fifty four.

Yeah. That's about right for me.

Because when I'm breaking a sweat, I'm hot. You know? So I'm

also When we let it get above seventy, the towel starts to wake up.

So we

gotta keep it we know it under seventy because the towel wakes up past seventy, and then we have to deal with that.

Right. The big hand towel that now has a heartbeat and will kinda clump through very reminiscent of the bombadable snow.

Yes. In a lot of ways, yeah, same color everything. But anyway, it's been tough I at at this rate, I'm feeling like I'm gonna get squeezed out of the terrarium completely in by the end of the season.

So

oh, Howard. I'm so sorry to hear that because I feel I feel like we're at options with you becoming strong, powerful

--

mhmm.

--

confident. I feel like we if if it's not locking you in a terrarium with some beta animals, Yeah. What with some what's the estimate? An apex predator? What's the opposite?

A succubus.

Howard wish Nowadays.

Wait. What's a succubus?

It was well, it was my attempt at having the bang bus.

The suck you buss.

Oh my god. The suck you buss. You were offering Well, then everybody's saying Well,

the next thing that we're the suck you busses at accidentally became the next bus when people came on and saw me.

would get next bit off to sucky about that.

And I

It was causing stampedes away from

yeah. Yeah. Because

it's, like, there's a man in here who wants to suck you. And people would get, like, alright, and they'd open it up,

and then they'd run away,

and it would catch fire.

You see Tudders, pearly whites on Todd padre.

Well, yeah, you But, yeah, you're You weirdly like an animal of fish, a remora Eel, a remora.

No. More a

eel? No. A remora.

That's really the hell out.

Yeah.

That thing that sucks on the bottom of sharks

--

oh, right.

has domned you. Yeah. Yeah? Yeah. It literally needs you to survive and it won't Yeah. You Well,

--

there's multiple parasites that refuse me. It's it's honestly it's been it's been crazy

can I can I butt in here? Yeah. I'm tired of talking about it as if any of this is acceptable. Right. This is not good for the gym.

Now. Right. You're taking up a

whole huge space. It makes us look horrible. We need to find something for you to do that doesn't make the gym look disgusting and like a zoo.

This is that classic Sam leadership when something is not working. He wants it gone, and he wants to listen to the customer. Mhmm. And he's he's trying to run this gym. So you either have to kill all these animals and fight your way out, or we gotta shut it down.

Mhmm. The terrarium?

What if getting buff ain't for

you? Well.

I've kicked out members before, saying this Feeding thing. Hey. What if being fit isn't for you.

You're making people had it. He's let people have it on day one

yeah.

--

when he thought when he was when they went over to those little weights that are colors, And they're, like, two pounds and they're four pounds. Yeah. Sam will say you're fired.

--

You're fired. I'll fire someone who's paying me no problem. Absolutely. Absolutely.

Well, I don't know, guys. I would love I would love to to stand up to these animals, and I would love to to sort of assert my dominance because I don't want I I'm honestly afraid of what'll happen if you guys it sounds like you're cutting me off. You're saying I

i Well,

it's so You're like a kid

you're like a a son or daughter.

Good. Mhmm. I think you really got that sexual harassment. Seminar we did. I know you didn't

talk about you're gonna insult somebody, you a group of people you have to add in women.

Yeah. Right?

For your opportunity.

Don't yes. So we're like a son

Very good. And you make eye contact with one person

or daughter.

or another. Sam.

That we have to cut off. You're like a child. We have to cut off.

Here's what I think. I think we need to accept you. I think you've been trying to change. We've been trying to change you. I think you need to accept yourself and we need to accept you. Part of that means, you're not the face of our gym. You maybe can't come into the gym, but you're still our friend and guest on our podcast.

What about car parking attendant at a different place.

Right. That's interesting.

We just don't know if we can have you on as a guest every episode. You know what I mean? Yeah.

What are you talking about?

What you you what was the I I forget, why did we start the terrarium?

It was supposed to see sort of people see the process of somebody sort of building themselves up and,

like like like a sort of exhibit of

--

like -- Right.

and how much walking out did you do?

For people to say.

Well, I would have if I hadn't immediately become fucking just well, I'll say it cuck by a hamburger.

That's what I'm saying. Cut by him.

I wonder if You know how sometimes when people can't do they act,

yeah. Sure.

You know what I'm saying?

I'm not familiar

with, but yeah, too. So why at. Uh-huh.

I wonder if if His story could be written by you,

and he said it. Yeah. Where's my notebook? Oh, talk talk's getting inspired. Remember,

no. But he's never what he means. He's never once jotted any idea, though.

Oh, no worries. My But

what do you mean that Todd would write my story? Like, Todd, well, give me script every day?

I don't know. You just feel like Wait. Are you trying? Are you Some actors are very dominant people on screen, and they they find their power through that and then in their life, it's chaos.

You need to express yourself through This is so young in which I love

about it. Mhmm.

You need to express your deep subconscious elsewhere

--

yes. -- to exhume the coward that is that is Howard. Holy. Oh my god. What a great name for a production The coward the coward is Howard.

Well, a face top.

You've never had

but where's my moleskin?

It's not moleskin. He does have that.

He does have a hot sauce made out of chocolate. That he rides shit on. Where's his molly skin? Where's his molly skin?

Damn it. Alright. Well More I'll remember this. I'll remember this. Well, I

remember this.

So what are you saying? Are are are am I supposed to Are you guys

todd, right, your way through But Todd's

not gonna have time. He's working so

much on

what his men were, men.

I freeze a bird. I freeze a bird. Well Which

will happen with what is men what are men?

Who is men what are men? What is men? Exactly.

This could be a colon situation. Who is men what are men? How are men? Colon, Howard the Coward.

Howard the Coward, and it's to it's angels in America, Paris Strica, and millennium approaches. It is a two part six hour

fantasia. This is I'm really cooking You

--

yes.

already have so many dishes. Well, you are cooking because you have a molly, right? You have molly in your eyes.

It just feels like it feels like you have it feels like you have almost too fully formed of an idea of what this is Todd without even having any time to have worked on

it.

Oh, this could go up tomorrow.

Yeah. This could be dangerous because I've never seen Todd have an idea of this fully Me

This is really fucking it's improvisational.

neither, Wayne.

It's and that's the thing about all arts is there is improvisation involved in it. Yes. It's not like improv classes because I can't be in those. I'm not allowed. But it is you have to have it in propositional elements to it.

Yeah. Well, I think it could be amazing this I mean, you guys have never worked together on a project that that

was Yeah.

Because yeah. I don't know if you know this, but Todd's been refusing this whole time.

Yeah. But

now I'm really seeing something in you, and I'm seeing promise and I'm seeing your Raw Howard. Let's start working on the script right now altogether, let's workshop. Yes.

And I'd

Can we do that?

be open

to it. Can we do this?

I mean, I'm open to this. Honestly, Well, what they always say is the definition of insanity is trying the same thing expecting a different result. Yeah. And for ten seasons of the show, I've been trying for things.

kinda always ends up in the same place when I don't die.

And it

Well, let me just ask you

a question, Howard. Does the does the idea howard the coward resonate with you anyway.

It's it's gotta speak to you.

If I'm being honest, I spent almost every moment of my waking life afraid of something. Acutely afraid. Not even, like, just thinking about Well,

it's been an ugly afraid.

I gotta be honest

with you.

It's been nothing cute. Nothing cute about your fear.

So it does resonate with me. I think I mean, obviously, my father always called me a coward. My mother always called me a coward. Wow. Teachers used the same

And they didn't learn it from each other.

name. Yeah.

What would you do is unique

to each of them.

Yes. Yeah.

Dorothy's a scared lion friend called you a coward?

The cow. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. And I said, hang on. Have you seen yourself? And he flipped me off, became a middle figure.

Whoa. That was where he started to gain his confidence.

Yeah. Immediately, shaved his whole body. He looked incredible.

That's why it was cowardly. It's too hairy. Yeah. Well, I love that you this speaking to you. I'm just really

i'm I'm open to the process because honestly, the terrarium thing did not work.

No. And that's flat on your back for a week. And you've not only

gotten fetal position.

Uaker, but you've gotten flatter. You've gotten more beef looking. It's been really sad to see.

And I think

you know, I've been noticing some people walking by and just going, you know?

that's not good for morale.

Yeah. And

And that's really sad for me. Know that I'm giving people that feeling because the one thing I've never wanted is to be a downer.

Right. You know? Right.

You're not a downer. You're cowered. And and and we It's good, Todd. I am really feeling this. I don't know if you guys are feeling the electric energy. Mhmm. This is the I haven't felt this spark since I stole the script for mighty ducks and tried to sell it as my own, friend briefly did for a brief moment.

What but then you but you changed the title. It was hefty Quackers?

It was hefty Quackers. I because I had to change some stuff around. It

was pretty it was pretty fat shaming.

Yeah. I thought it was shifted

a little bit as well.

The early nineties were in different times. It was different time in the early nineties.

And then it turned into hefty crackers.

Right? Of

course, Todd had to put a spin on it.

And

then it just turned into fat white.

Which which almost got green lit. Yeah. That that was the closest guy.

Yeah. I mean, fat whites was you know, I look back now and I don't want people to read fat whites because I'm embarrassed by it.

Right. But it

did get your your got your career off the ground.

It did. It did. I was in the gutter, and then I sold fat whites. In the nineties, if you were a gross white man, you could sell anything. Right.

So you went from fat whites and then you wrote for just shoot me?

Yeah. That changed a little bit too.

Go ahead and shoot yourself.

Does that

is that it?

Yeah. But I I I it's I'm realizing for thirty years, I haven't felt inspiration like this. Oh. And I'm seeing Howard the Cow. Okay. Lights up. Open on. Uh-huh. A mom gives birth doctor disappointed.

Right. Well, right. They spank him. They go in for a second spank because they wanna hit him.

Yes. Yes. Rodney Dangerfield says, I'm using this. For my bit.

So far, this is sounding like

dangerfield's in there.

Dangerfield's in here. I'm seeing Dangerfield as the stenographer.

You know, in the hospital room?

No. There's a long courtroom scene. I can see what they're seeing.

Well, occasionally, stenographers have to take other gigs. They don't just get to go to the courtroom every time.

Theographers, the courtroom artists?

Yes. They're in the they're in the delivery room.

Sometimes, even the foreman will be in the delivery room.

You can't expect these people just to work the courthouse.

Dude, I got arrested by a bailiff in a delivery room one time. Apparently, I was standing two close to the bed, bailiff put me in cuffs through me in the hospital jail.

That was the birth of your son. Right?

Yeah.

Don't talk about it much because you got thrown in jail in the in the birth of crime.

I almost got killed in jail.

That was fun that you thought that the doors were, like that you thought that there were, like, supermarket doors, so you stood in the middle of it and they shut out, you know,

like They don't close.

And I did it several times because I was like, it must not have caught me on the sensor.

Oh, shame. I'm sorry to hear that.

I'm sorry. We probably you're sorry

that you gotta it during his birth.

It was like, well, they never came back and found me.

Oh, wow.

So they're off somewhere else. I don't even know.

Cut to first day of school. Howard's there, walks in, pants falls to the ground.

Pants falls to the ground where you and you're willing to be full nude on stage.

Well, I would love to have something covered.

Unlike most children, he handles it like a crybaby. He hates his pants being down and runs straight to the principal's office.

Well, obviously, I have to get a prosthetic to make that look a little bigger like a kid's penis.

Hey. Come on. No. I I think it's Canon, that mine's fine.

No. The pupil just took a picture of it last week.

The pupil telescope, if you remember. Yeah. Okay. So howard's pants fall down. Cut two. He's writing on the board in his Bart Simpson hat. Yeah. While you're aware of the bird Simpson hair. What? It's Oh,

i like to Yeah. Write that down in the moly.

Alright. Don't touch your eyes.

Tosh, you know, I I have a hard time asking for things But -- Mhmm.

i didn't really get to eat today, and I was wondering if I could have might have your notebook after after we finished

--

yeah. I'm here. In the back, there's a little this is like the calendar I started for like wake up at nine AM, take a walk.

I don't know as well. Yeah. I've had that.

So, yeah, you can have all those pages from, I guess, from take a walk to call my kids, you can eat that.

All these things are on different pages?

You can eat finish finish the office Brit Pritzi's British. I don't think we get through that.

You probably don't need to

remind me of that. Six episodes, Scott. I just could not make it through that crowd.

Is it British? I was only six episodes.

Yeah. It's a short take on series across the pond.

Oh, god. They know how

to do this in a sec.

Well, Well,

let's just get the first one put

a let's put a pit in this. Get the first one. Because I am cooking here. I'm loving this, but we can't write a whole play on Mike.

Right. Right. Many I mean, we could.

Alright. We're at the school. What else? What else? Howard is part Simpson hat. It's pastiche. People go, oh, simpsons. If we get the rights of the Simpsons songs, that plays. If not, I'll sing it.

We might be able to.

We might be able to.

We might be able to. Yeah.

You always do Alcatel of the Simpsons song

i do. -- your place.

--

Yeah. And my place, karaoke.

But you but you just do acapella of the instrumental.

Doh.

God, it's like we're back

at the carry on tomorrow. Awesome. It's so hot. That's Okay. So Bart Simpson, he's riding on the board. My pants will not fall down anymore. I am Howard. Now we go to modern day.

Okay. We've set up

we've set up

modern day and we'll flash back to childhood and get more context.

Howard's depressed. He's bald. He's losing his mind, and he's hanging out with his three buffest coolest friends who for some reason accept him and nobody gets it. It's the big question mark.

Right. He's nervous to be a guest. On the podcast.

Note in the mowle skin. We need we need to get muscle suits for buff friend characters right by us. Okay.

Pinky cars. Pinky cars.

Pinky car. Oh my god.

It's like a piggy bank but for cars, just pulled up outside here.

Piggie cars.

Something pulled up outside got a piggy car. That's actually for me.

Are we on lights here?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. We're not being picked

by, man. Pigy car. Yeah. That's a piggy car for you or we know who.

Well, guys, I also Yeah. Obviously, we focus a lot on Howard's failures today. I have to be honest about some of my own failures. I'm lost on the equation. Oh. I thought I had the fitness equation figured out, but I am stumped, and now I got thirty variables. In there, and I can't figure it out at all.

Well, what are some of the variables?

X, y, z, m, all

of it. Okay. It's just there's

so much going on. And I thought I had it nailed down, you know. You do two push ups an hour for every year that you wanna extend your life. Right?

So if

you wanna extend your life, one year, you have to do two push ups an hour, two push ups,

four who push ups an hour.

Just two push ups an hour, we don't

have to riff on it.

Yep. Every hour forever. And then I thought, okay, well, you got that, but then you're also gonna have your sit ups every day. Right? But if you multiply your sit ups times your push ups, yeah, I think a little bit stronger. But are you actually going to reach your goals? And that's what I didn't figure out. Obviously, you're gonna get a little bit stronger. But I don't know how to hit the goals specific Well, because

you gotta even you gotta know what the equation equals. Exactly. The other every equation is equals something. What is this equation