Gravy Train

How much melatonin do you put in the drinks? Because I I I feel like I'm still sleepwalking

also, I didn't know that melatonin was a comp a common supplement for a smoothie at a gym.

Yep. Yeah. I've been I've been messing around with melatonin just because I feel like it's a nice natural sleep aid.

That's what I like about it. It doesn't put you right to sleep.

Right. And it makes it the thing I like most about Melatonin is that it's almost impossible to weigh up. Yeah. The next morning, like, it gives you that good grog.

I am there, my man. I mean, I had to tell the guy that pulled me over, officer, I took a lot of melatonin, I'm a little sleepy. I only ran over that guy's foot. The dog is different laws. If you run over a dog, it's not like you run over a person. Right. And I was so tired.

Well, and feet aren't fair, they stick out. It's not like I ran over his leg. Yeah. It was his foot. It was protruding.

It was a protruding foot. And honestly, there should be laws about how much this guy's foot was on the road.

I'll say this. I think we should ban clowns from being able to walk around on the street. Fully agree.

I it was a clown.

You did get a clown foot on under the influence of Melatonin this morning. The the town clown.

Did they make you blow? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. They're melatonin now, I've been putting it so much in so many drinks. It's become part of the influence -- Mhmm.

--

under the influence -- Yeah.

--

if you will. So did you have did you yeah. Did you do they blow do they blow you? Because I feel like it wouldn't No. Sorry. Not not I didn't even like that.

Not in a sexual way.

No. Like, do do you have to blow? Because I feel like, would melatonin show in the blow?

Oh, no. It's not a blow. Yeah. You have to describe the way you feel, and they decide if you've had too much or not. And so and they know if you're lying. And of course, I'm doing this all by the way, traumatized face covered in pie.

Oh, oh, yeah.

You know,

before the

had it out. The town clown pied you in the face.

Pied me in the face. I just wanted to smell his flower, and instead I get seltzer in the nose.

You should go.

And you are currently still you look like a balloon animal. You've tied up and tied up like a giraffe.

Yeah. I'm a giraffe now, and because those skills go beyond balloon animals. If you could you know, if you can tie a balloon, you can tie a person.

Absolutely.

So town clown got me good.

Well, and you got him at least you killed his dog.

At least, you killed his dog.

Yeah. Well,

he's got a little fake dog that he has his arm in that it's part of his bit

to tell him about.

He puppets his dog, and it it's, like, It's nowhere near as funny as triumph. No. No. We're near. This dog's just a little fucker that's nice kids, you know. And it's like

--

right.

where's the laughs? Where's the, like, art needs to be aggressive.

Yeah. And there has to be a victim. In in comedy, there has to be a victim. I've always said that.

Yes.

Yeah. You gotta you gotta take the piss out of But Oh, yeah.

Carlin, the victim was the damn system. Yeah.

Do you guys remember when we took that trip to London and learned about taking the piss. That was one of the best weeks of my life.

Yeah. We did the take of the piss tour of London, and they kind of showed you all the ways that they take the piss out there.

Oh, God. And and it was not what I thought it was. For all you Americans who don't know -- Yeah.

--

they don't actually take piss out of your system. Right.

We're we're over there. We're holding up our pee. Yes. We're holding up our pee to go on the double decker bus in it.

Well, I was gonna be

so embarrassed if

i didn't have any piss

for them to take.

Rav. Imagine

they come imagine they come up to you and they ask you for your piss, and you don't have any piss to give them.

Right. I do.

It happens if they knock there

all the time for me.

If you don't have a big belly full of piss, they'll take the piss out of you about that. Yes?

Yeah. That's what we were worried about is they're gonna take the piss about us not having not enough piss.

That was a stressful tour. Even though it was really fun, it was so stressful being on the very edge of the worst I've ever had to go to the bathroom, and also don't go.

Yeah. Yeah. That's the thing is they're not actually taking it. They're take you around London

--

They -- teaching you about the idea of kind of being made

yeah.

little trickles of water to find

you of peeing, And it's it's it's weird, this tour.

It's an incredibly odd tour.

What most cultural tours are? I mean, if it's not your you're gonna think it's a little weird.

Of course. If you don't grow up holding your pee and taking tours around to to to tour little trickles of water and and fountains and stuff. It's gonna be weird to you. Yeah.

This is gonna be odd to you. Just like there, They like their tea very strong.

Mhmm. Yes.

They're English breakfast, you know. Mean. That's not for me.

Oh, I love an English breakfast, by the way. You have eggs, beans

--

keep it going.

little piece of mushroom,

oh, a little piece of mushroom.

By the way, who out there loves their tomatoes hot? Like, I couldn't use for you.

Room tip to hot tomatoes.

Also, nothing is more appetizing to me than a watery bean dumped on a white plate and just like one layer one thin layer of beans I was

so upset the whole trip. I couldn't get a goddamn real breakfast anywhere. What Where's the denny's? To me, what's

what I really like about English breakfast is All it is is the dustpan from a grocery store. So they sweep the grocery store, and then they dump that on a plate, and it's got a little bit of everything.

That's true. And that's look, I don't wanna get into this because it's political, but that's why they killed Diana. She wouldn't eat being with breakfast anymore and -- Right.

--

we had had it up to here with her, and now Markle's dealing with it.

Oh, and we loved Diana. We loved Diana. I had pictures of her all over my bedroom. Yeah.

You are Diane ahead.

Oh. Well, that was those were the days where it was either Diana or Teresa. And I was a mother Teresa guy. Man, man. Right?

Man, and right.

Yes. Yeah. There because

as everybody knows, I pre before he even was in a relationship with Diana, I was a huge dodie, alfredid fan. Yeah.

You just really liked hair rods.

Yeah. A lot of people don't know that he was one of the final remaining dodo birds.

Yeah.

So he was a dodie bird.

It was a dodie bird.

Don't know if I had

don't know if I had if you look closely, you can see feathers It's it's just like the dinosaurs.

You know?

So the dinosaurs. The dinosaurs. She was actually a dinosaur, and he was a dodie What

if you look closely at the accident if you look closely at the accident, you could tell. I mean, feathers flew out of the car.

Yeah.

It was the final dinosaur death. A lot of people say. That's what and that's why it was

such a tragic

new year. It wasn't the meteor.

No. It wasn't the meteor at all. It wasn't the meteor at all. Yeah.

It was the media. Media.

The media. The media.

The media made that dinosaurs go extinct. The meteor.

It would just tell me, say it in England, of course. Meteor. The meteor was

The meteor killed Dianosaur and dodo Fayed.

after her.

We know this. We know this because we study. We go on the Internet. Mhmm. We Google what really happened

yeah. -- we are contrary yet.

--

Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. What is better than someone saying something and you telling them why they're wrong for forever? For a long this conversation.

Well, my favorite thing to do is do it with at a hair trigger. So I don't even have to listen to them be done before I disagree.

I disagree.

See, I knew you were good enough to do it. And God's honest truth, I appreciate it.

And I agree.

I hear you both and here's why I think you're wrong.

Okay. I'll listen to you.

Yeah. It's just not that. It's not that.

Uh-huh. Yeah.

And I think you think that. But if you think a little bit deeper and you follow the money. But do

you know what's actually really interesting? Do you know what's actually really interesting?

You got all the money.

What is really interesting?

What? You guys follow the money. You had that what you were gonna say, Donovan?

I agree. Follow-up. Yeah. And if everybody's watching this, we've, of course, gone the Ben Shapiro frame rate, so everything looks Absolutely robotic while we're talking here.

Shappear who has really helped us.

She should be right at Shapero's our cinematographer. Yeah.

Yeah. He's great behind the camera, Shapiro.

Yeah. I'll tell you what though. Our ladder budget is through the roof this season because he can't see into the camera.

Oh, yes. We do need a ladder for that short little tour to get up to the camera. And no offense to if you're short, that's fine. But if you're a short little twerp, it is funny that you're short. Yes. I I got no problem. You can

unlock Here's the thing about being a dick. You can unlock body shaming

if you

doesn't apply to everyone that looks that way

And it

--

no. -- but it does

they will feel it. They will feel it.

They'll feel it. But it's your it's your fault, for sucking, you know? Shapiro, I mean, specifically. Shapiro.

If you make fun of somebody who sucks and you use their body to do it, bystanders will be hurt by your comments, but it's okay.

It's okay.

It's okay.

Speaking of bystanders being offended by your comments,

oh, no. You got rid

so many directions.

Oh, no. This could be either of us.

Howard got lit up during the previews of the play.

Which also, I thought we embargoed reviews for after the show actually premiered.

Now we put tariffs

you know? And people pay we

are taxing the reviews and people are paying

the tax. We'll pay a premium to print reviews. They wanna pay the tax. And it made me so upset to before the curtain fell, I obviously have Google alerts set up for my own name. And before the curtain fell

worst Google alerts. To set up a Google alert for Levi's

--

yes.

your phone your emails are constantly full.

Yeah. So it sucks. It sucks to have a phone and I can't never have my alerts on my my notifications on as if I did. Because you

gotta be like, wait a minute. Am I on sale for Labor Day?

Yeah.

Oh, no. Right.

It's a Oh. But but

am I shrinking to fit? Luckily, it depends.

Right before you went on stage, you did find out how to a filter to just things about you -- Yes.

--

Yep? Before the place started.

People were immediate immediate reviews.

And it did have slight effect on you remembering your lines? I

Well, one of the reviews towards the end was, like, this guy hasn't said a complete sentence in three and a half hours.

would Yeah.

He said

he said you said line two thousand times.

Yeah.

And to be fair, it was written into the script.

A Fed time, Todd.

That's a big trick. That's a big trick for your outdoors out there.

Todd, I'm gonna tell you

right line into the script, and then no one ever knows if you've gone up as

i say.

Fair for

you to do that when you're writing for yourself, but it's really unfair when you're writing for other people. It feels like I should have known when I was reading the first draft of the script that there were a few trap doors, you could say literally can't figure

it

for figuratively in the script. A few word booby traps, if you know what I mean. I said a few things that

well -- I

--

And Howard, of course, you're upset. I mean, you're doing today's recording from the trapdoor. In the floor, we couldn't get you

out of that.

Yeah. If you notice there is a little bit of echo on my microphone. It's because I'm about thirty five feet below the stage. Yeah. Well, we can't

get you up because of the bins.

Yes. We have to go slow to bed.

That's not what the beds are. I told you guys.

No. We we don't we are serious about the bed.

We do not want you to get the beds we love you so much.

Have you ever had the bends? It's one of the worst weird things you can do.

So we all currently have the bends right now. No. We got our brains are carbonated and -- Yep.

--

drinking you in pizza place. Yeah. And we're good.

People are

The Bens are so much better here. I don't know what it is.

I only drink the Bens when I'm eating pizza.

Well, our Uber driver picked us up from a valley. And then drove fast up the hill in his Mercedes. So we got the Mercedes Benz

and He, of course, was in an old timey scuba suit, so he was fine.

He was fine. He like he was in that cuba getting junior movie. Met of honor. Yep.

Acts of valor. Acts of

valor or

men of

valor. Met of Bell. Well, we we he told us, but we couldn't hear him through the

suit. Right. Right.

But Howard, we we want to get you out of there. We're just going so slow and patient there.

I still think you guys have a fundamental misunderstanding what the bends is. There's no water involved.

That's where you're wrong. And and I had understand why you think that way, obviously, understood. Based on your background and all that, but that's where you're absolutely wrong. Go ahead. Go ahead. This is interesting

to say. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter. Go ahead.

Go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead. How what do you blame us for being careful to bring

you up to our level? We've been getting drank at

We're obviously just going in to get those little tables because we're redecorating.

We're trying to steal little tables from pizza places to go down.

Because we're planning on hosting an event for mice. And Wait. The pizza plastic top

i have a plastic topper that goes on the What do you

mean you're hosting an event for mice?

Not I couldn't say any more clearly.

Do not tell me.

you guys

Well, let's

the podcast with the the mouse that's in the terrarium.

Well, we're out of chewie, was it hit?

He read you as a hit. He's bringing his own.

You can't be replaced on a thing where you are a guest. You know, if you were one of the cohost, you'd be replaced. We might be trying out other guests. Yes.

And the Maise comes with his a lot of his own listeners. He's adding value to the pun.

It's really we he's got a lot of followers.

This little fucker doesn't have any listeners. Whoa.

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Little fucker.

You see now?

This is one of our new cohosts. No. We treat our cohosts with respect.

I see. No. That a

every one of them.

Every You

wouldn't know because you're a guest. But when the cohosts are in the room, they get treated with respect. So when the mouse comes in later to do his funny segment, I want you to respect him.

Respect now.

This makes me so sad.

Well That

Oh, okay.

you we hate to tell you. We got an email out here.

What? Mister Streina?

Yes. Well, she hasn't returned yet, but we're checking her avails.

I think she's doming us with no response.

Right? Right?

She even doms over email, which is really powerful. Yeah.

And it's it's interesting. I am feeling more interested and more attracted

to her.

Yes. Same?

Same in love with her. Don't talk about I don't wanna hear

about this. I'm in love with her, I guess.

We're all

in love with everybody who hasn't responded to my emails.

Which is a lot of people.

Yeah. Brie Larson, Salvador Dolly, Barack Obama, Donald Trump. Drunk drove by then.

We love getting ghosted. We love them.

But but while you're down, have we started the show? It feels like we started it. We started it. Did you hit record down there?

I we've been recording.

Yeah. Okay. Okay. Good.

We'll just make sure and bring that recorder up very gingerly because the audio gets the bend.

The audio can't get

the bends. You guys don't understand what the bend. We don't and absolutely have pressure. And you can't get it in in the if if you could get the bends, you would get you would die from going up in an airplane or whatever. It's about water. No.

They pressurized the cabin. Have you ever driven down a hill and and cracked your ears?

Yeah. But that's not what the bend cracks are. They're crushed. To be watered.

You crack your knuckles? You crack

your ears? I beg you guys to crack open a book or a computer. You say you Google things

why you're wrong. That's why we're absolutely wrong. As you just started looking at the sources, my YouTube suggestions and my TikTok suggestions are educating me.

Yeah.

In a way, school never could. Yes. Because it's all beautiful people. And that's what's really helpful. And the ugly ones, you say don't show me you guys that look like this again? And then you're just getting beautiful people telling you very interesting smart things.

I'm tired of the world looking ugly. Aren't you? I only kinda I thought about it. I really wanted to curate my experience with beauty only.

It's awesome. I got rid of my mirrors, which helped.

Genius idea.

It's I don't see an ugly person ever now because it's not on my phone. It's not in front of me in the mirrors. All my mirrors are now pictures of yazmine belief.

Wow. That's genius current? Or nineties.

Ninety's either. Yeah.

Genius. Sometimes I'll do the same thing. I'll walk in front of my mirror, see whoever's in there, and get so upset by what I'm looking at that I stay there all day.

Oh.

Right. The guy in the mirror is bumming me out too. Yes. Like, he's, like, one of my least favorite people. Yes.

Yeah. It's not good to be around him.

I've been trying to put boundary up with the man in the mirror, the guy in the mirror, and whoo. But I just can't seem to get him to leave me alone. He's there when I'm brushing my teeth. He's there when I'm Well, I don't brush my teeth. He's there when I'm in there -- Right.

--

there when you're throwing your toothbrush out in

the morning. Do you guys do you guys wanna know the biggest breakthrough I've ever had in my entire wife?

The back of your pants when you thought you were a thirty two.

Do you wanna know add the second biggest break through my entire life.

Okay.

talking about

the third.

Yeah. Biggest breakdown. Are

you talking about emotional? Are you talking about emotional? Yes. The third biggest the

third biggest emotional breakthrough because the other you were emotionally No.

Let's not forget the one where someone yelled Kool Aid and they thought it was you and you ran through the wall.

Oh, I thought that's actually

too Your mama.

Oh, yo mama I do miss your mama.

But go ahead. Sorry, Howard.

I was gonna say, the one of the big I'll say one of so we don't list anymore of my breakthroughs. Right. One of the biggest breakthroughs I've ever had in my entire life was when I realized, when I walked past that mirror, that the man looking back at me, was actually me.

Wow.

Yeah. Yeah.

What? And I know you guys like to sort of disassociate from that, but I think the most important thing about growing as a human being is sort of seeing yourself authentically. That can't be me.

So you think you're two guys?

No. I think I'm one guy in a mirror is a reflection. I'm pretty sure we've had this this misunderstanding multiple times in the past.

How did you not see us? The person in the mirror is a kidnapped other version of you that's doing the exact opposite but in reverse.

It's your evil, your shadow, your villain,

and it's incredibly young in which I'm I've known about my whole life, you know, stuff. And

you've known about young inism your whole life.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. But well, because, you you know,

he's getting there. Are you a youngianist?

I'm a youngianist. Yeah.

Awesome.

Well, yeah. You're the young you you Here's the youngest Here's the youngest young

years. Oh. Young is young in.

Yeah. But it's all the the what what Howard's saying is almost right, but he's a little wrong in a lot of ways.

Guys, I think that this this I wish this is what I hoped we would have learned from starting this gym and starting all this. I I I I was hoping that we could sort of finally come to terms with who we are. And accept and accept who we are. You know? And that's a huge thing. And that's what I wanted to do this play because I thought that was the intention, was for me, sort of sort of learn my who I am and not feel so damn sad about myself all the time. Learn to have a little bit of self confidence, You know? And and the whole thing for me in starting a gym was to sort of work on myself and and and try to start feeling a little bit better about who I really am, And I think the first step to that is accepting the things about you that that maybe are a little unsavory or you think you're bad, which is the reason you guys sorta associate from your reflection. Wow. You're you're not happy with who you are as people, so you see who you really already say, well, that's not me.

Protecting.

Excuse me?

Sounds like you're projecting.

Yeah. Because what about fun house mirrors? That's not really me.

Well, this

i just Stupid. No.

It's too

crazy. You're so stupid. No. Uh-oh.

You know, that's gonna be the YouTube clip.

You keep going.

No. No. Listen. Listen. Listen.

You guys look at yourself.

Everybody loves you. But we have to listen really quick. Everybody listen to me. Listen to me. Listen to here.

Listen here. Listen over there.

Well, listen here.

Okay. Well, listen over here.

Listen to me as well.

Because I either feel like

maybe I wish I'd love to hear about, buddy. You have to really listen here.

I feel like Howard

--

uh-huh. I'm listening.

you are right.

--

Yeah. Okay?

We have really not -- That's

exactly what I

giving you enough credit.

saying now.

--

was

Exactly what I've been saying out.

And I think I'm missing out on some good stuff Howard to say.

what I've been getting at.

I think that's

guys were getting out before I was.

Oh, that's interesting. You were always on top of it at some point.

I

appreciate you influenced me.

Here, mean, here's a here's a fun little exercise. You know, we've spent the last six or so weeks really trying to to to better other people in the gym Right. And I want us to all sort of look at ourselves and describe ourselves how we see ourselves. Right? How about we do that? And and and this will really show how much progress we've made in the past six weeks sort of bettering ourselves to see how we see ourselves right now.

This is

a great idea.

We don't even have to look in the mirror.

Just self self vision is is as important as what the rest of

the world should do. Exactly. So, Sam, we'll start we'll start with you. I want you to describe to the listeners and to each of us how you see yourself. Describe it in in as much detail as you'd like to go into.

Well, I guess I would say buff ready paid taxes

and lives

in a home with a roof. Okay.

Wow. Wow.

Pretty spot on.

Good for you.

Thank you so much. Oh, miserable. Right.

Well, hey, that's that. I like that.

A place to work from? Yeah.

Yeah. And that feels like the truest thing that any of us has has said in a long time. Sam's miserable and that's alright.

It is. Yeah. It's gotta change soon but yeah.

Alright. I'm so sad to hear that you're miserable. Because from my perspective, you've got nothing to be misrule rip misrule about. Israel?

I mean, as I'm is really myself.

Wow. I never realized that.

I mean, look at you. You got you you got oh, it's a server for your head, but we're it's not that. Mhmm. Which is fine.

Yeah. Just give me one thing that I have that I that should be good for me. Did you do

have those mashed potatoes yesterday? Yeah. You had some mashed potatoes yesterday.

Those were good. I didn't make them, but they were good.

Yeah. Weren't they? Yeah.

Inching closer to vulnerability? Whatsoever are we, guys? We can't you got come on. Okay. I've got I've Yeah. Subscribe yourself, bro.

Come on. I'm a human

good. Nice.

I'm a brother.

Okay. No. You're not. Wait. No. You are. You are.

You are. You are. I'm a friend. Alright. Wow. I'm a Patron.

Okay.

I'm my I'm

i'm almost almost said he was happy.

I will I'm healthy. No. I'm

hungry?

I'm hungry. Yeah. I'm a hungry hungry human.

That's really great.

That's great.

And I would be too if someone ate my mashed potatoes yesterday.

I I had those mashed potatoes yesterday, too. I'm so that's what I'm really grateful about it.

I feel like

we we all had mashed potatoes yesterday. And from the outside, It it may or from the inside, it may feel bad, but from the outside, we all ate mashed potatoes yesterday.

With our friends, didn't we?

That's good perspective.

Yeah.

What are you guys so afraid of? I I This is just so vulnerable. Give me something real, Todd. Give me something real.

I mean, I've learned so much from my friends already and I first wanna just thank YouTube for bringing that vulnerability to the table.

I got something.

Yeah. Go ahead.

That you're afraid of? We are all afraid of running out of gravy because these mashed potatoes were good, but not not dry.

We'll probably have to cut this because this is really freaking at freaky. Yeah. And I feel like it or we'll put a warning above, like, very sensitive water. Yeah.

The gravy shortage is freaks me out. Yeah.

We we have to do a trigger warning on the episode because we discuss a gravy sharted.

Yeah. We do. We do. We absolutely do. And I'm not even gonna I'm not even gonna argue about it. It's -- Yeah.

--

You got

the supply shortage for everything has been bad.

Okay. But the

supply shortage for gravy

most of the gravy is stuck on a ship in the Pacific, and it takes forever. And that to me, the gravy chain.

The gravy chain?

The gravy chain shortage is so scary to me.

Go in. So rails on a gravy chain. No.

Sherry. I I I I I I.

Dear. Doo doo doo doo.

Crazy. Crazy. Crazy.

And then

on a ship ship. Alright. You will never see the gravy ever again ever again. You will never see the gravy ever. Braby.

It's on my toast.

Gravy. Oh,

you guys will you guys will sing your favorite song.

Hey, honey train. Howard, thank you. No. Thank you for getting us here.

You got this great name. I can't go. Wow.

Whoa. It's really it's just sad, guys. I feel like I

know the gravy's sitting up with

the hair on a shit. It's horrifying.

No. Because see, like, the with the show and everything, and people sort of sending reviews of my performance that didn't

--

text?

--

that were mostly personal, not really about the tech or the content of the show. Which so

shame because the text and the content.

I just feel like I've had a couple of, like, a couple of real come to Jesus moments.

But what are those moments?

Exactly. And that was the goal of the play is to reveal Howard the coward to Howard himself.

So how

have you come with Jesus?

Well, the the fur first and foremost, I realized that being a coward is not such a bad thing. You know, humanity human

beings Bureau nodding huge behind the camera there, Ben agrees.

Human beings evolved, and and we have this fight or flight response. You know? And it's and it's fight or flight. There's two valid responses to every hardship. Okay? And we all know I'm not gonna fight. I'm never gonna find -- Right. -- I'm gonna run my little ass off.

Yeah. Well, you bring up a good point because we spent most of our evolutionary life running from predator.

It's true.

And now in our modern day, we still get that feeling deep down But there are no predators

like there

used to be.

Like And so that's where things like anxiety come from.

Like,

and and we can't get enough of this realization. We listen

to podcast four or five a day that say the exact same thing about anxiety and it helps none. It still not doesn't work.

It's well, you know, with

the real picture anxiety, just have to know when it exists.

Oh, it's become very helpful for me to interrupt people at a party to tell them I heard on the podcast. Which is helpful. But yeah. Here's what it was interesting to me. Anxiety, wrong. And I never thought of it that way.

Yeah. Wait. Here's what's cold week. It's so true. Wrong.

Well, we anxiety isn't.

We definitely all Now

if you really think about it, there is an anxiety. It's just you.

It's so Buddhist. It is so Buddhist.

It is so Buddhist. We've all written books on anxiety in the last week. And we're selling them today.

Yes.

Which what Howard started talking about.

That's right. Sorry.

Sorry. Sorry. No. It's okay. You know, it got

hard to get in the fight. Terms of the fact that flight is okay.

Flight flight is okay. Because because honestly, it's all about survival. Right? And some people are really good at sort of confronting challenges head on. Me, I'm the kind of person who needs to sort of fall back

--

find cover and and and sort of regroup and figure out what my next step is gonna be, and that's okay.

But isn't there an even better way to live

or the only That's fascinating.

That's exactly what I'm saying is that Why are we always fighting and fighting? What if we were just to sit still and tell someone to fuck off?

Fight or flight or fuck off.

You know what I mean?

It's a third f.

What about staying? What about not uprooting yourself? And not fighting.

And this is coming from a group of people who have apprilled themselves every time something has gone

a little bit wrong over

and over again. And thought about it and flown as we've done all three.

Yeah. We fly.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I mean, as you can tell, We're teachers. We haven't taught in years.

Well, yeah. It's true. We're taught in teaching. We've been flying away.

From teaching.

Well and this we do cover some of this in my books and in the art of toilet maintenance which is kind of all about how I learned about Zen through fixing the issues I had with my own toilet. Right. So chapter one is the float. Right. And it's about fixing the float and chain getting caught every time I pull the trigger on the toilet.

Right. I

mean, it's like a gun toilet.

Which is fucking sick, by the way.

Is it awesome?

There's nothing better than when you take a shit that you fire it away, and there is gunpowder involved. Right?

Oh, yeah. It's a whole a classic gun and oh, I got a note for you, Hillary. You're not taking my gun toilet away.

No. Not yet.

You're coming?

They're coming for our toilets.

Well and I just thought your Buddhist and book was so beautiful. Then it really inspired me to write mine

right.

--

which is all about the courage to love your toilet.

Wow.

I've read them.

I've read them.

Yeah. No. Of course, you have. I read your book.

I'm remembering now.

You probably read it on my toilet.

That's exactly where it was.

Yeah. That's

where I wrote it. I wrote it all on the porcelain there, and that's

where it is. Yours is the perfect bathroom reader because it's written on the toilet.

Well, it's

tough to

Yeah.

sometimes I squat so hard, I'll realize I'm sitting upright again.

You you'll do a front flip on the toilet going the whole time of course.

Of course. That's why my bathroom looks like it's been divided in half. It looks like I'm splitting it with somebody Really? That's just right. We feces and beepies flying around when we

just go toilet is a space is has really caught up.

What shark tank? They said no. They said no. But I think I

early on in the process. Very good to the shark.

As soon as I pulled my pants down, they said absolutely not. But I thought at least Cuban would be interested.

Fuckers.

Yeah. It's

fuckers. It's my friend, those fuckers rejected, and they're gonna hear about it for me. And what I mean by that is I go door to door to their houses very late at night. And I tell them someone in their family is sick.

That's so smart. Now I I really think you should be pitching that to them as a business

oh, yeah. Yeah. You know what? Oh, yeah. Thank you. I will do that.

So so sharks. You've all dealt with this. A masked man comes to your house and tells you a family member's sick. What you wanna do that?

Because Charks I know you've all done with this.

That's me now.

That's weird. Oh, I know. But I am certain that three of you and someone that looks like you, ma'am, have dealt with this.

You know, guys, get Can I can I be can I be honest for a second?

Of course. I've been telling the truth.

Since episode one, I've been honest. And I am happy you're finally joining us here now.

I feel like it was a bad idea for us to take over this gym.

What?

Because the more I

think about it, the more I think maybe as many gains as we have.

So, of

course, you think

it's better.

I'm starting to think none of us have made a single game. We sorta got into this thing trying to be like, you know, better ourselves and everything. And I'm seeing now we're kinda just on the same freaking loop we've been on every single year for the rest for our entire life.

I don't wanna alarm anybody, and this sounds fucking nuts. But Howard is making a lot of sense today.

Thank you.

I was gonna say executive that's really interesting. I say, almost the same thing as you.

Thank you, Todd.

So you're telling me this thirteen pounds of water weight because of a creatine overdose is not worth it.

I think It's bad. It's not gonna be good for you. And, I mean, look around at everybody who started at the gym when we started the gym. How many people do you look at today and think, oh, wow. They're doing better than they they were doing six weeks ago.

Yeah. Most people are looking pretty sick.

Well, sick. Wow.

Well, here's the issue, Howard. If I'm wrong about this, which I'm not going to admit that I am.

Of course.

Because I thought this was a good idea. Then what else have I been wrong about that I thought was a good idea, my career? My marriage, not talking to my kids. Yeah. What what Watching cranked too high voltage every night of my life. To fall asleep.

But it knocks you right out.

It sure does. It sure does.

So I guess not.

I mean, Statham's dolce voice, I mean, it gets me. So I I can't admit that I was wrong about this. Yeah. What I would rather do is do this harder and more to prove that it was right. Yeah.

It's too late in our lives.

What if we took a break and we just felt better after that?

I think that's what we should do. Take five minutes, go stare at a wall, walk right back here, and we're better now. Then we're better.

That sounds good. Maybe we should let's all go sorta take a cent a centering

five minutes. A five minute meditation.

Yeah. Okay.

Alright. Okay. Okay.

Okay. I'll probably do some push ups.

If I'm meditating, I'll be working out.

Yeah. If I could get some calf raises in, But I'll count them and think hard about them.

That's what meditation good meditation is, mostly counting and thinking hard.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, the original meditator was the owl from the the lollipop commercial.

That's right.

That's right. Absolutely.

That's right.

Have you been to his meditation studio? Yeah.

How many times?

I can't believe you got to climb a tree to get up there.

It's so dangerous. It's all in black and white.

That's the hardest part.

And single lines?

It is so painful to step to make the color free two dimensional.

Oh my god. To drain all color from you? It is so hard.

But yeah, I've taken that class. There's one or two. Two.

Maybe Three three. Good times. I think we did something wrong.

No. Maybe chump. Maybe chump. Alright. Well,

let's take a little meditation break. You're so right, Howard. Yeah.

That was really good for me, you guys. I don't know if it was good for you guys. I

i feel a lot better, much more centered.

Yeah. I Yeah. I'm feeling really good. I feel clear headed. I don't know how you guys feel.

Yeah. I I took three deep breaths and started crying.

Really?

Yeah. When

did you learn anything?

Just even taking well, somebody was playing

that little piano that they play

the piano's little or if they're just playing it quietly.

Yeah. So in most yoga classes, I've taken somebody's quietly playing a regular sized piano in the morning. And just the slowing down. Mhmm. I think that's indicative. You just take three breaths

yeah. Sometimes I realize I I don't I don't realize until I take the breaths how much I am holding my breath.

Yeah. Yeah.

Right. We should really be really going in and out all day long.

So I have to ask three breaths in crying. Uh-huh. Are there any thoughts coming up when you're doing that? And I'll vamp all your figuring out your headphones. Are there any emotions coming up while you're doing that, you know what it or is it just like an overwhelming cry like the type that you would have from a moving film that you watch? Because film can move you to cry. That's okay.

Oh, film is my favorite.

Oh, when Iron Man died in Avengers, that was a mess. Absolutely.

And

i'm not afraid to admit

that. Yes. Of course.

When Vin diesel falls down in the tooth fairy, I was lost.

Well, you were inconsolable for about a month.

Absolutely. I lost all my

teeth. Absolutely. When Donnie Darko becomes the rabbit.

Oh my god.

So intense.

That was a confused cry for me. I'll say that.

I was crying, but it had a question mark at the end. I think it was that I've just been going and going and going and not stopping to take in mental inventory. Wow.

Did you do a mental inventory while you were

--

yes. -- meditating?

Well, I've started by being like, do I have enough vitamin b on the shelf? And I'm like, no, this is an actual inventory, but just mentally.

Up self self.

So I kinda turned inside and and thought like, what is a mental inventory? And I was confused for a few minutes. I don't know what that is. And so I moved on. Good.

Good.

But I just overall, I was thinking that I've made a mistake. Really? I've made a mistake. I've made a mistake.

In the moment or a sort of bigger

no. I've really lost myself at this smoothie bar. Mhmm. I've I don't know who I am anymore. I am the smoothie bar. Right. You know what I mean? There's no

right. You're you're defined by what happens with the smoothie box.

Exactly.

You have no trust in in your own humanity. And so if the things you sell become illegal because you're making people so sick that they're driving on melatonin and crashing and falling asleep, then that makes you bad.

Well, and and I was everything was great when I was not selling too much melatonin. When I wasn't saying let's fully fast forever, when it was just slight, you know, bullshit.

Mhmm. It's

simple. It's a smoothie bar.

You left the piece of protein. Yeah. Like, Stuff like that. Yeah. I but then when it started going bad and people were boycotting, they were carrying the signs outside. Bill Bill Cravies crazy.

Well, isn't that what always

happens to us?

We start out how

they thought of that. Right?

I know.

We start out so right. So correct with such great reason to do what we're doing. And then we take it too far And all of a sudden, we're essentially a pharmacy doing drugs and smoothies over the counter.

So what I've decided is to introduce a new product. Really?

Make it a little bit more complicated, sir. I was

expecting, but I just need to get back up on top.

Yeah.

And then I then -- You're

a winner.

then I'll figure it out.

--

Yeah.

Then I'll slow down.

It's tough to figure it out in the middle of a loss. Get yourself a win.

I've gotta be back up on top, and then I'll figure it out.

Right.

And what, you know, do you have a new product, or can we help you with this?

I am at a loss. That's what I spent a majority -- Right.

--

I mean, what do people love? Sugary sodas. Uh-huh. Vast food.

Yes.

True crime. True crime.

Electric vehicles.

Dating shows.

Little hot colored pens?

Yes.

Electric vehicles.

The people love these EVs, these EV.

I guess you're right. Okay. Sorry, Howard.

Yes. Okay. So electric vehicles.

Oh, did someone say ball point pens?

Ball point pens.

Those are great.

Those are great. Okay. EV Well,

so it sounds like you're not quite sure yet, and that's okay.

No. It's not.

But Bill, though, maybe we start here. What is it that you wanna achieve with that new product? Big. You wanna this new product? Idiot. No. Bill, come down. Yay.

Bill, calm down.

You're fine.

Do not police how Bill feels his emotions.

Don't push me.

Go screaming at that wall.

Don't Why?

Okay. Get it out, Bill. Get it out, Bill. Get it out. Maybe to there. Maybe the idea's in there.

B b b. E b b b.

Yeah. Good letters. It's not

a circle. Toilet.

Doilots, babe. Love Island.

Love Island.

This is good. This is good.

Kinda turned it

into chimpanzee here, Bill.

You've been towards something.

Oh, he's He's noticing.

How are we gonna yeah. We can do this.

Leaking. Shit. I got

wait a second. Flingers. Flingers. You've had all kinds of smoothies, but you haven't had any snacks. What about some chicken fingers or potato flingers or -- Okay.

--

potato flinging freaking. I think it's wait

a second.

Potato flingers. Potato flingers?

I mean, honestly, this I'm not totally opposed to this idea. Having some kind of, like, sort of a food option to compete with edible arrangements -- Yes.

Edible eats.

--

edible eats. Like That's where people are going. Yes.

And I heard

that's where they're going when they go up the stairs.

Yeah. So potato flinger's just to be clear. It's like a a fingerling potato that you throw at some time.

I'm trying to help Bill out here. I don't know.

Okay. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We just make things up and Bill has to figure out what

they are.

Yeah. So it's a throwable potato, finger. Okay. Okay.

I'm just trying to make something out of all your screaming.

I just yeah.

Gotta be something.

I'm with Sam. I couldn't handle where you were emotionally. So I'm just trying to fix it as soon as possible so we can move

up What about a cologne smoothie? Okay.

Honestly, that might be a huge hit in our

genius. Cologne. Chania. Polo smooth. So bad after the gym.

Polo sport, the smooth.

Well, I never thought of this. I'm always putting one or two spritzes of cologne on the outside of my body. What about scenting yourself

from the inside? Inside.

So so much cologne that you smell from it.

Okay.

I had the form to carry the wand. Okay? That's it.

Yes. And then, yes.

And then you're like, god. And then, yes. Yes.

Bill, I'll tell you I'll be your first customer. I will take a large Dracar noir -- Jabbins. -- please. Okay. I'll

take a Kenneth cole reaction.

Yes. Kenneth cole reaction. Amanda. Can

think of a fruit on my own. Kenneth co reaction and

while Todd's taking, I'll take a Michael Jordan cologne and peanut butter Is

that what his was called Michael Jordan Piloneaux.

It was.

It might have been called It could

have been called twenty three also. I'm not sure.

Twenty three and what? Peanut butter. Peanut butter. Okay. Good. This is working.

Okay. Well, back to my chemical reaction in a fruit.

Why don't you

try another cologne? And then maybe

to get me into it. Okay. Cool. I guess I'll do

uh-oh. Two cologne.

I'll do the the John Lovett's.

Yep. Technically, there's a scent. I don't know that it's a cologne.

Right. So you want John Lovett's scent?

I want Lovett's? I'll do the Lovett's rat race and then back around to it's easily think good colognes, but fruit.

Findapple maybe.

I can think of a fruit on

my own.

Right. Right.

Just put me down for steak and then Okay. I'll do Lovett's and Steak smoothie.

Okay. Lovett's rat raising steak. Okay. Good.

Yes.

Good. Okay. I feel better now. I feel like this is an idea that can be get me back on top so then I can be more mindful.

And and it feels like this is, like, combining things people love at the gym. So I feel like there's very little opportunity for this to fail.

And isn't it true that you don't always need the perfect thing. You just need a little bit of purpose. Yeah. You know? Yeah. So I'm excited that you have your purpose. Yeah. And I think if we can all just have a purpose, that'll be

yes. Do you feel better, Bill?

I feel so much better. I feel like this idea I can push.

Good. Good. Well, I was really struggling with just your freak out in your experience there and I just could

i could not notice that.

I could not handle it. Thank

you very much.

Yeah. So I'm glad you feel better.

And I I in my five minutes, I had a I sort of had a similar experience to you where I sort of stepped away, and I I looked into the sort of void and thought about what was going on. And I realized that for the last six weeks, I've been trying to hide. Aw. I've been trying to hide. And that and that hiding, it honestly It it it it it's followed me my whole life. I've never wanted to be in the spotlight. I've shunned my family name. I've tried to sort of separate myself from everything that makes me sort of interesting and unique because I'm afraid of people seeing me. It was the same thing when I decided to go into the terrarium. I said that was about sort of people witnessing it, but it was off on corner. Nobody really went in there.

Right.

Yeah. So there is no

Bad reviews.

trust me. It's terrible.

There's no way that anything could ever get worse than that. So what I've decided is in the in this five minute break, in this five minute meditation, I realized that I need to put myself front and center. I need to stop hiding in the corner. I need to stop hiding behind my own insecurities and I need to not give myself the opportunity to flight.

Wow. Yeah.

You're gonna stay and you're gonna fight.

Yeah. And so what I have decided -- k.

Your fear.

--

is that I am now I'm going to sell be the first person you see when when you walk into the gym. And I'm gonna be the last person you see when you leave, and I'm gonna sort of give use myself up.

So you're not gonna do anything and just be a greeter?

Yes. Yes. The hardest job that one could ever have. The most vulnerable thing one could ever do is be is be the poster boy for an organization. Yeah. And if I'm the thing that people see the first, the second that they walk into the door in this gym, they get an they I can't hide.

This is a great idea for you, Howard. This is a really great idea. I mean, you are gonna take a shower. You're gonna lose a little bit of Burger weight? Yeah.

Well, I'm gonna try it. Right. Yeah. I'll do a little bit. And I'm also gonna wear

the way the burger has put on you by feeding you

--

yes.

the most health unhealthy stuff in the terrarium.

And I am going to wear the stringiest the stringiest tank top. I'm gonna wear a stringy. Yeah. Stringy. So we got any strap tape.

So you're wearing a stringy bikini. Age the front.

Yes. In Angel hair, top. And and and short the shortest gym shorts that I could find, I'm not gonna give my

it's a good job, Howard.

have a job over the meditation? So when

Do you

we've you pretty much nude up by the entrance?

Yeah. Oh? Okay. Yeah. And I'm gonna be confident about my body because it doesn't matter. The content

has been.

Yeah. Doesn't matter that I that I don't look the way that Channing Tatum looked in

--

not close.

--

any of his movies. Or Zach Efron looks when he takes off his shirt

and -- Yeah.

there's water springing up.

--

Well, you know between and the thing is, It's okay that you don't look that way it makes sense. That storefront looks that way because between takes he does fifty push ups.

Yeah yeah.

Yes.

And so it's just different.

It would matter if we had to compare you to an actor, I would probably say, I don't know. Ben Stiller at the end of Dodge Paul.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Where

he's sitting in his house, he's depressed.

Yeah. Yeah.

You

Oh my god. We're saving ours for when they come around. Yes.

You have the culture

culture come back. Yeah. Just like trends, offensive things come back around.

Yes. Absolutely. And It's not offensive. It's just that you don't trust anyone other than hot celebrities to play any character. And we do mean hot in the way that Hollywood people hot. Yeah. And so they have to be in a f s fat suit because how on earth could anybody who is not twenty pounds underway play a role.

Exactly. Well, because because people who don't have perfect bodies aren't talented. That's the way that Hollywood has sort of conditioned us to think because I

think of pavarotti. That guy would have been so famous if he could have just turned down a little bit here.

And think about how hard acting is. You stand there, and you say lines that other people write. I mean, it's a hard job.

He has

It's so hard.

to look a certain way.

You have to be able to be mean to people and not care. Yeah. You could be mean to anybody and not care.

You have to know how to be late every time, you have to know how to be picky.

Oh, yeah.

You have to know how to be late.

Yes. You have to have a very strict diet that that makes you unable to eat anything.

Uh-huh. And then you're rude because of it.

And you're allergic to everything. You're allergic to everything.

That was actually one of the reasons I couldn't become an actor is I wasn't allergic to enough stuff.

That's right. That was all your because you were almost Kaston, was it boy meets world?

Yes. Almost. That was almost mister Finney.

Yes. That's right. Almost.

Well, the guy that played the way that would have changed your life.

Apparently, I was the opposite of him. He sort of gives you comfort as an older man. Apparently, I

was You are mister Meany.

I was mister Mimi the most unsettling person they ever saw. Wow.

So they were gonna change it to mister Mimi.

Yeah. They were. And they

went with the and it was initially mister Mimi.

Probably the right choice to go with Fini. Yeah. It's funny.

Fini's funny. It's funny.

Keep funny.

Howard, I'm really appreciating. Because what earlier when you said you were gonna do flight instead of fright, or fight and fright's the other one. That's what I do. I was like

--

frighter flight.

Yeah.

For me, it's fright. But Howard, I was encouraging you because it's what you said you wanted, but I was judging you. I like that you're saying fight. Because now the judgment is gone, I love fibers.

And I and I think what this is all about for me is, like, understanding that, like, both things are okay. It's okay. It's okay to run when you're scared, but it's also okay to sort of accept accept the moment and stay stand and and fight. And I'm gonna fight here. You know? I'm gonna stand out front, and I'm gonna allow people to see me for the first time my whole life.

Well, I gotta say I'm really moved by how open you guys have been with your meditation share.

And Thank you.

Thank you.

I think going and staring at the wall for five minutes has opened my mind up just as much.

Wow. That's great. Well

and I have really realized that math is not that important at the gym. Really?

Because that was

i was hiding behind the numbers. I was telling everybody how many times you had to lift and how many times you had to do this. You know what I was hiding from? Doing a god dang lift myself.

Wow.

I've been eating nothing except for chips and waters doing no workouts, nothing but chips. And I've gained fifteen pounds trying to help everyone else with their math. You know what my new quote is? Just do it.

Wow. Just do it. Oh.

I love

just go in there. I feel like I

heard that before somewhere.

Just do it.

Yeah. I think I just said it three times. Maybe it was the first time.

I don't be I don't know. I saw you. You were sitting over you were sitting over there in the locker room in front of that open locker that had some Nike memorabilia hanging in it you're sure you're sure you didn't see

this comes from my meditation.

He said just do it. He didn't say check mark.

Swoosh. Right.