Big Stinkies

You know, guys, I'd never tell anybody this, but I'm actually kinda glad.

Yeah. Why would you never tell anybody?

Because I don't I don't know. People you know, we have a history of not being the most successful people in sometimes people say, you know, you guys are quitters or you guys are, you know, getting out while the getting is good, you know, and

i think you have some survivors guilt. I think that's for

that helps. That's a great analysis.

Yeah. And I just don't want people, you know

but this wasn't a failure. It was a choice.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, our job.

When I was in war and I I had the most friendly fires of all time in one day.

Right. And I They keep those stats.

Yes.

Gosh. I thought

you guys could do that.

point nine o a r

Three

excuse

me? No. Baseball. Oh, three point nine DRA. DRA -- Yeah.

--

for friendly fire. I I was up fourth every time they seemed It was incredible. They're like, here comes the clean up guy.

The amount of grand slams you committed with with May fifteen is amazing.

Right in the back. Mhmm. And I, when I got home from war, I had survivor's killed. Right. I should have. Yeah. You

should have because you're out for the reason these things

are That's what survivors go. Yeah. Oh, that murderers go. Yeah. What that's A lot of these murders, they have murderers guilt.

I have to stop you.

Okay. Okay.

I have to stop you. Thank you for your service.

you so much for your service.

Okay. Thank

Hey. Thank you.

Hey. And everybody hear me say that? Thank you for your service, Todd Pod. Todd, Todd.

Thank you for your service, Todd. Because it's always really important to remember who to think.

Todd Yes. Thank you.

No one said that to you after you were a preacher. Right? Thank you for your service. No.

And you were pretty mad about that. You sort of stomped around the doughnut brunch afterwards.

No.

You were loud at the doughnut brunch, you gave your pastor speech?

That's the thing. The whole point of the doughnut brunch is to tell the preacher about how well he did.

Why why are the doughnut free.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, and by the way, if you're the preacher, you get to the brunch last. So you know what that means? No more good donuts. So I'm sitting there eating long, twisted Maple bars

with no confidence.

best one. Yeah. For me, I'm I'm I'm twisted. Walks

That's the

by. They don't they typically don't twist the Maple bars. They're they're not bars anymore once they've been twisted.

Well, what happens is sometimes if

too many people grab for

the Maple bar, which is not bad. The same time they get trum jumbled up into a little braid.

I see. So it's

more of, like, it's from, like, the heat of people's hands.

Well, and I saw you, you were sort of sitting over in the corner with the whole sort of big selection of weird donuts, and everybody was giving you a wide berth. I mean, you think people would come right up to you.

All the way around.

Right. You had that one made out of Oreos look like cow chocula. Yeah, well. And you were not happy. Very little dough, mostly cooked

well, here's the thing is we thought that nine dollars for the hardest heat donut in the world was a good business plan.

Oh, yeah. We ran worse doughnuts for a while in town. Never anything you want, never a glaze, never a chocolate covered, never

well, we we have a chocolate covered, than I'd type of bowl of cheerios. I didn't

give it to you. All of ours were things that kids look to look at, but you don't like to eat. Exactly. That was our

well, we sort of said, like, what's the problem with the donut store? Doesn't look enough like the Apple store. You know what I mean? Donut stores should be fan year, you should have to spend twenty or thirty minutes in

there just to get a dollar And our donuts would have would be covered in glass so they could break. Yes. And then this fucker opened a kiosk at the mall and started just repairing our donuts for half the price.

Unbelievable. Luckily it burned down.

Yes. Fuck us.

He's I remember it was luck.

It was lovely. Luckily and burned down the same night we were seeing on the security cameras. Ben or Paul Saul stop file.

The fire department did rule luck, not not arson, they said luck.

And that has nothing to do with us slipping them a little bit of cash.

No. No. Dan hydrants. They get paid with hydrants. They get paid in bright red, high Have you

ever noticed how much these firefighters love hydrants?

They're obsessed with them.

They're not

more than dogs peeing. Yeah. Yeah. They like dogs peeing. Well, firefighters will go after the mail too.

Yes. The mail.

Not the not the mailman. The mailman, the mail. Yeah. Well, you guys have

firefighters Just sit down when you get to your chair. Nope. They do three little turns and they smell it, and then they sit down.

That's right. That's right.

But I love when a firefighter shakes. I mean, it's one of the easiest tricks to to teach him. Or her?

Yes. Absolutely. Dogs being tree forever has to be treated like dogs can be any gender.

Yeah. That's really modern. That's modern. And we're modern.

We're modern. We're modern now.

And we're bearing the lead a little bit, folks.

Yeah. What were you guilty about?

We're we, you know, had to make a big announcement this week, you know.

We went public.

We went going public with our we went public with our big announcement that we have to some, unfortunately, to us, fortunately, in the money sense, we have decided to liquidate our asset, which is the third street health wellness Center.

Yes. Here. But due to an incredible offer, incredible offer. Well, it's because we had the most joints in the last three weeks of any gym in the country. Uh-huh. Yep. Skyhigh -- Right. -- membership. Mhmm. And we we we took advantage of that, and we sold to Walberg.

Look, we sold the Walberg and the Walbergers family and we were I'm not ashamed to admit it. We were in over our heads

--

yes.

--

and we got into something quickly that we thought was gonna be good and fix our lives. It didn't. And so we quit and made a lot

of money.

But I could say -- Powerpoint,

that you made.

Thank you

that was it was un because we were in over our heads. We were hemorrhaging money. We had a lot of stuff to hide. Yeah. But we put on a brave face like all business people do when they sell company -- Yeah.

--

and

and they lie about it doing bad -- Yeah.

and trick somebody into buying it.

--

Yeah. And I'll tell this I was I was shocked. I wanted, you know, I wanted to not necessarily go the the full lie route, tell, you know, make it seem like everything was great. So I did include a couple of the sort of less than savory items. For example, I informed Walberg of the scheduled Ocrevis versus the big towel fight.

And he was excited.

Mhmm.

Oh, are you kidding me? You would think that's a bad thing. You're gonna have a huge towel right fighting a monster. A monster or right?

He's just got a business sense. Yes. He has turned some of the worst things known to man in two money

--

mhmm. -- over and over again.

Well, we've all seen his

hit It's being weird.

Well, and a lot of times, probably due to his Hey, you

know, Mel Gibson.

It's and a lot of that is due to his schedule. We've all seen the schedule that he highly publicized.

Well, it's just a big motivation for him buying, I think. Yes. You mean

well, if you wake up at two AM and go to sleep at four PM every day, you have so much time. You you have to fill your days. So what else is he gonna do?

Well, it's it's as if he wrote what would to maybe the ideal dating profile. I get up at two. I work out for three hours, I pray for four.

Yeah.

I hang out with my brothers who are dumb as rocks.

I have breakfast with my family for fifteen minutes.

I sell burgers that are lie in lime green boxes. And then I go to sleep at midnight. I mean, that's, like, great. Get, let's go on another date right away because you are a man who has it together. I wanna

i don't wanna date someone who has friends. You know, or like things they do that can include me.

Have you noticed famous people don't have friends? You know why? Because they're too busy being famous.

They don't need them.

We don't need them. They don't. Because they're friends. They're loving and adoring audiences.

That's why I never got

famous audiences hate me, but I have a lot of friends.

You have a

lot of friends.

I'm thinking from

all right now.

Oh, yeah. There's

oh, well, there's o j?

No. I stabbed him. Remember? Yeah. He's in the hands.

Dang.

Dang.

Oh. Well,

you're therapist?

You're a mannequin therapist.

Yes. We crossed the boundary as far as the therapist plans on relationship. I wish.

Go ahead.

What other boundary is there?

Friendship. You get your friends with the therapist.

Right. You do everything to the therapist except sex

is what we thought. Yeah. Right.

But anywho yeah. Howard, you really killed that presentation.

Thanks.

Who is it? Fifty slides.

Fifty fifty slides. I only I used the template on them because I you know, if it ain't broke, don't fix it is what I always say. And the tenth A lot of

because the middle was just fill in this space here.

Yep. Warm. It's some

i love you.

Hey. Hey.

But you guys gotta admit. I sold

that Lauremipsom like it was like it was you did,

the title. Laura mipsom bro.

That's awesome. Yeah.

Yeah. I kept I kept saying it. I kept saying it. It would come up in there and be like and and gross revenues for the last quarter at our snack bar.

But what was really crazy is when you got a bidding war between the Walburgs and the Baldwin. Yep. That was And the

brothers started bidding against each other,

and it was All thirty of them were in

were in

the audience. And and The ones you know and that

you don't know. I'll auctioneer.

Hey. Come back in

that was it. Yeah.

He wouldn't even wait on people to bid. He would just start going up. Before there, I'm

going Oh,

yeah. You

knew. Be all the way up for

and you had the biggest you were hidden behind your belt buckle it was so big. Oh, well, I

say this. If you're an auctioneer and your belt buckle doesn't touch your hat, you're not doing it right.

You rolled in, like, Jesus's tomb's rock. You rolled in, like, the door to Jesus' do.

A lot of people are saying, is it just the belt buckle that's oversized? No. It's also the hat, the boots, and the pants.

And when you say sold, usually they hit the gavell, you're doing the carnival strongman hammer.

Yeah. Yeah. That was unbelievable.

That was great. And so event actually the the Baldwin were outbid by the Walbergs and it you know it was a big talk amongst the New England fake liberal racists.

Yeah. I will say it was tough to run

the whole thing Because we kept having to pause to talk to hear about Alec Baldwin and talk about how much he had missed his kids during this. It was it was really hard to see him so distraught and actively participate.

And we kept saying, Alec, you should not be here. You are going through some really serious, heavy stuff. You're We don't need you on social media, and we don't need you at an auction for a gym. And he said, this is the most important place. Well, yeah,

of course, of course, has murderers remorse I mean, there's not a We've all

been there. We've all been

i I will say it is great being amongst such creatives as an actor. I'm I'm sidling up next to Danny Walberg.

It's gonna say.

And we are really talking acting me in the Walbergs, and it's like,

i noticed you had a really what seemed like emotional conversation with Donny Walberg.

Yeah. He's so good. Because he's not vaccinated. Is that why? It's what he said.

Oh, because I've always wondered, like, what is so weird about him? Do you know what I mean? Like, When I watch him on blue bloods, I'm like, there's something that feels sort of alien ask about this guy.

I went to an acting class the other day, and they sucked my Moderna out of me, and I was able to connect with -- Right.

--

tennessee where you spare foot the park like you never believed. Right. Right. I was barefoot in the damn part. They they bled me like a snake at a rat snake invention got my maternity out into

a shop.

Me and my teeth.

And speaking of Bill, thank you so much for taking us to a rattlesnake invention. I guess, we all know what you're talking about. And I don't receive anything like this where it's the whole convention where they just

be It's the coolest convention you could ever go to. Well They milled these snakes.

They revealed the twenty twenty three Diamond Back, which which is it's teeth lift up now.

What do you if you guys remember, I was brave enough to get up there and try to accept some of the milked venom into the

cup. Right.

Of course, missed the cup went right into my hand, and I had to go to the hospital for ten years. This was back

in the dorm.

So the hospital

was black. Whole where you can spend ten years and it feels like two days.

And Oh, yeah. You went to Christopher Nolan. Take Christopher Nolan. Take it, Sabrina.

You get in there, you're so confused, but you walk out and

you're like, that was good.

But can you tell

you You also came out uncircumcised.

I was fully uncircumcised. I was re circumcised. You recircumcised.

Which is we all remember that also from the extended version of interstellar. Literally, the extended version is kinda Oh, there's two.

Oh, it's a little bit more down there. But I'll tell you what the craziest part was, was it didn't even feel it didn't even feel like I

was in a

coma for that long

mhmm. -- because the whole time you're under at Saint Christopher Nolan, you're just hearing that really peaceful

--

yes. There's so many

the, like, beeps and oxygen machines are all designed by I wanna say Gore verbinski, but that's not his name. Hans Zimmer.

Yes. All of the nurses there play untuned tubas as hard as they can every few minutes.

I think it's once you go to one Saint Christopher Nolan's Hospital, he'll put you in the rest of them.

That's right.

Absolutely. Yeah.

Well, Cillian Murphy's the mayor of the hospital.

He is the mayor.

He's absolutely Unfortunately,

the only time he was ever in a hospital before was the beginning of twenty eight days later, so he thinks you have to be buck naked. Speaking as

a tumor size.

I don't remember. I don't remember that.

That's

right. You don't remember any male nudity at most.

That's right. I don't remember that part. I must not have watched

yeah. You you forgot about five minutes of hollow man, I remember.

I don't remember that.

I yeah.

It's just the naked guy.

No. It doesn't bother me.

Anyway, we did I we'll we'll probably I have to say that was all jokes, what we were saying about all the negative stuff about the Baldwin They're a great guy. The Walbergs because the Walbergs bought the business, and I think it's the first

six that we can The greatest thing there, but we're recording right now from a boat. We quickly bought a boat.

Right.

And let's get in

here Sorry, just to pee back on Todd. None of the Walburgs or the Baldwin are weird. No. You just have to clear the air because I know how it seems about every single one of them. They're just not that weird. No.

Look, think of anyone in your life that has eight kids in their family that all wanna be actors. What could have been wrong in that family? Nothing.

Right. Right. A healthy family has maybe one maybe two kids

three would be okay with.

I live. Close to each other more. It's not weird. They're all fine.

Three would be fine. They're all normal.

Yes.

They don't compete with each other. Oh, happy for each other success. They love it.

But we I am so happy to be out of the literally being underwater or figuratively being underwater as far as emotion Lane, what's going on there? And now on top of the water recording in the boat we bought with Walgreens

don't wait that is lifted off of your shoulders when you simply have one.

I was gonna say too. The the thing that I find interesting is that when I think back to all of the memories I have with you guys, It's us under pressure. It's us with something to do. Yes. It's us with a big goal in the discussion.

My size baby. My size baby. Oh, boy. That's pressure.

Empowered. Stop no.

Collaborate and listen.

Ice is back with a brand

new invention. But how are you around? No. It's just

it's nice it's nice

i think I think we spent our whole lives, you know. Every school year you're working towards the end of grade tests or the your final exam, then we go, you know, we go to camp, and we're working towards the talent show.

I think if ever there's ever there's always been something. And finally

Yes.

we right now, we said every season and how it ends. We're not gonna remember an audience -- No.

--

but you know

yeah.

--

under pressure in

a lot.

I didn't know. Until we got wealthy, I did not I had never heard the word crostini. Mhmm. I've heard it six times this week. Right. I eat every Well, that's

obviously, when they brought it out first, you were mad because you thought it was a Brandy Martinez.

Well, and now we all know a Christina is a type of animal that lives on the bottom of the ocean. Yes.

We're all smart and rich. And they tasted a lot, like, overly toasted little pieces of bread.

That's right.

No. But they're

but they're little crisp

yeah. It's like the crabs or crostinis, lobster the crostinis.

Tramp our crostinis? Yes. Yep. Yep.

Yep. Shrimp to Christmas. Yep.

Yum. Yeah. Yum. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeah. Yeah. But yeah we we do work so well under pressure and and I will say Howard something about your meditation and acceptance of your cowardice you were great in that room.

How dare you?

I clammed up being around some of my heroes.

I actually couldn't believe how small you got, Todd. It was shocking. Look, Todd and I

i showed up in Calvin Klein briefs.

I'm embarrassed.

Busing out over the top of the waistband. To impress Marky.

Yeah.

And he he liked

it. He liked so.

You don't spell my Marquie anymore.

He loves being called Markie. Right. Right.

But I think Markie bothered look. I think maybe that's the type of thing where you have to be showered. You have to be showered and wiped if you're gonna wear that.

Right. And I just walked. Well, we, of course, We don't want any undy touch tushy.

What was it? Yes. What is

it? Yeah.

It's right over.

What? Underwear touched tushy.

Underward If underwear

touched tushy, it's bad.

Yeah. So we had our briefs billowed out, so they weren't touching tushy. And they showed like

and and because y'all did like they do with those little wacky waving inflatable tube men where you had a little fan with a little like tube running in your underwear

so they

were just kind of

yes. -- inflating

--

with deflating -- Yes. -- kinda

--

blew my test goes up over my eyes, and I tripped and fell face, like, that worked. And I accidentally bit myself on the parts.

Right.

And what you just started saying that word because you hit a certain age. Right?

The park?

You got hit in the park.

Yeah. You caught the parts at around seventy. Yeah. But

like don't wanna make other people hear the word.

Peanage. Yes.

But I I I I we we did our and then I I taught we lost the room and I did get very small, and I I felt like -- Yeah.

you know when you fuck up early in something and then the rest of you, you're playing in your head.

--

But you

knew it.

You knew it and you stopped. I think that's huge.

went to the coffee station and I just kept refilling.

I just

Well, because if there's brown all over the undies, you don't know. What's up?

I spilled a lot of coffee on my

cell phone. Yeah. I thought that was really wise. And I situation you were in.

I, of course, had hooked up not air to blow out my but helium. And I was quickly turned upside down, floated up, hot air balloon, little basket, a proposal in my basket. So I just stayed up in the air -- Yeah.

and let the couple Italian guy pulling on your toes

--

to make you go higher. Eventually, filmed crashing into the countryside.

Eventually, eventually, did that?

Eventually, filmed. Yeah.

Wow. Media hungry father pretended his son was stuck

in you. These media hungry fathers have we had it with them or what?

Yes. Absolutely.

Go to an audition.

Go you do it yourself.

Just be an actor.

Yes. Enough. Yes.

I my daughter recently wrote a book. I I will be glad when my father's dead.

That's awesome for him. Good for you.

It's tough

that you're still alive

lord yeah. At least one woman whose name has just given me waited till her mom was dead to write her book. I'm glad my mother's dead. But, yeah, my daughter Yes. She would be glad when I'm dead, and it's a whole bunch about

unless, Donna.

It seems like a bit of her problem.

Well, if she had been a famous actress, she went her

well, you wrote a rebuttal. Right?

I said, you'll be sorry.

Yeah. Get the wrote

a book called. Be sorry parentheses. I'll be glad too.

More books need rebuttals. And, yes, I'll be glad too. I don't wanna be here. I failed with my daughter, obviously.

And you followed her on her book tour. You were right up on her heels at every library she went to. Right?

Like, how big stickies.

I was at yes. I was having how big stickies.

You were laughing. You? You were following your daughter around letting out big stinkies in the library.

That way that way each of her booked signings was unpleasant -- Yeah.

and and that was sort of what everybody was left.

--

Did you lead her? Did you leave big big stinks in the library for her to come into? Or did you follow her and leave big stinkies? Because that would only have tattoos behind you. Were you in front of your daughter and even if you could sneeze her behind.

I planned it pretty poorly. I was after my daughter. And so I was living big stickies for Malcolm Gladwell.

But that way I'll be his audience loves I would say. Yes. When they liked it, they're he was going on a book tour trying to get people to come back to the office. Right?

Yeah. You know, there's a reason big stinkies are actually good. Yeah. Okay, Malcolm. Let me hear your little debate.

Wait. He was he would spell your asshole for ten thousand hours. Right?

Well, he's gotta be a professional.

Yes, dude. If you don't practice what you preach, I am not reading anymore.

And so he does have a new book out. It's a sequel to Blink. It's called stink.

It's about how if could smell somebody right away. You could tell a lot about them.

And we should trust our initial nose.

Yes.

I do think it's an interesting choice to go try to go up against him head to head with the same haircut, Todd.

Will you malcolm? Yeah. Sure.

Yeah. Well, I was real who wore

it better. You both made us weekly. And they did for a minute. No one did. Oh,

this was

both in the shade. But seriously, seriously, I think our move out of the gym and into whatever comes next is gonna be a really positive thing for us because now we have flexibility.

And you know, isn't it gonna be cool to just be able to sort of, like, ride with the wind literally in the boat. And and and hey, if we wanna spend a day in Costa Mel, Mexico, we can.

oh, Jamaica. We can go.

If we

Well, finally, no more eking by on this teacher's salary, your Hollywood agent's salary, or whatever. You know, we actually have some money. We have a nest egg -- Yeah.

now that we can choose what to do what we want with it.

--

Gosh. It's cool. And and we've pooled all our money together to create an investment account, and we're taking meetings with young hopefuls It's really -- Yeah.

do you investing in the future for other people, not just

--

serving ourselves. What we wish people had done for us?

Well, and I think we're finally moving up in and away from the world, you know, which is really good. As you get successful, you move up and you stop talking to anybody behind you. Yes. You know? And I'm really excited for that moment we don't know anybody anymore.

All the people we need to know live in our nice little neighborhood -- Right.

--

and and even then we don't really know, we just see them in passing in our teslas.

Yes.

Yeah. And we try not to talk to him too much because then you create a relationship and you have to talk to him constantly when you're pulling up any time. So you gotta keep it cold.

I find if you only ever wave, it's the perfect it's the perfect amount of interaction with somebody. Don't ever say a word. Just kinda like a friendly wave, they think, oh, that's we have a rapport. It's a nice guy. Right. You don't ever have to say a single word.

And Todd mentioned it, but he buried a little bit a little bit. We all bought matching Teslas

--

uh-huh.

and we drive them all at the same time, wherein whenever we go anywhere, and we always park right next to each other. It's cool little game.

It's awesome.

And we we we paid the extra ten thousand each for autopilot, so we crash into each other all the time. So that's really cool. We take hard lefts into each other

on and out at all times.

Well, we've been running a lot of

those philosophical experiments. Should the car turn and kill one person or should it keep going? And maybe kill one person or should it keep going and definitely kill a lot of

them. Right. Yes. Yes.

And we've been doing both.

We've been doing both. It turns out you can it that is just the thought and you could kill everybody if you wanted to.

Yes. Our cars actually input our personal preferences, the movies we like, what we we we respond to, and it tries to it tries to kill us all the time. Yeah. Because it can tell that we're bad for society. Yeah. So it drives just straight off the cliff

all the time.

It's so funny. I got it.

Yeah. Did you guys get in trouble for inputting that your favorite movie was boomed saint? Yes. You've got me in trouble.

I think it went off when I also put favorite song, Boondock Saint soundtrack, and favorite book novelization of Bounduck's sake.

Congrats. What's odd, Pod?

Favorite hit job, that documentary that poorly

yeah. Whatever. Don't input your likes and dislikes. Into the Tesla because it will weigh if you deserve to live

with your

that's the thing I'm curious about with you guys is now that we have all this access to great technology, What are you giving them? Because it's hard

to trust these big tech companies -- Yes.

I have never told the truth in a single online form.

Never wants -- for you.

No. Yeah.

different name, different address. I don't put the right amount of money.

--

And that's why you're always under audit because you never get any of your tax forms or anything at home?

Well, it's it's it gets tougher. You know, my my accountant who I will pay him. He you will. I will.

You owe him money.

I owe him a little I will. I owe him a little bit of money, and I owe the IRS a little money. Because the the trouble is, I don't keep good enough records of the truth. So I can't do it for real. And then my bank accounts all look crazy. My accounts Yeah.

But don't I lose respect for your accountant accountant if he's behind on the payment from you. It's like, how do you want me to pay you if you can't even collect I pay

yeah. Yeah.

It's like, hey, you want money

to count it like dirt.

Of course. You have to. It's your money.

Like going to a doctor doesn't know where his own damn hands are.

Right. Yeah. I've been asking the grocery app that I use to not track or follow me at all, so I get groceries I don't want. And it's pretty cool. Like, it's pretty nice. It doesn't track me at all, so it doesn't know anything about me.

All the suggestions or stuff you would never normally get.

Yes. It's farm raised shrimp over and over and over again, which I love. I love little slimy shrimp. I'm obsessed with it.

Yeah. I

think farm raised shrimp should be everywhere. Why are we why are we cooked why are we eating real shrimp when we can dig a hole, put some plastic in that hole, and throw shrimp seeds in there, and just let them

shrimp don't feel enough like bugs yet. You know what I mean? Yes. The shrimp feel too natural. Yes. They don't look disgusting enough. Yes. They put different enough from everything else on the planet. Yeah. I want them to look sort of creepier, I guess.

Yes. If my shrimp aren't from the Midwest, get get away from me.

What how's your shrimp garden going?

Oh my god. So I've got it's really good.

I've seen a

lot of Instagram pictures of you tending to your garden

Well, you know, you have to have a hobby on Instagram. And you gotta show it. You gotta show it. And I I get out there. I've got thirty thousand shrimp in one square foot.

pretty much.

Thirty thousand shrimp.

Yeah. You know, they're micro peen craze. Bill's doing it with shrimp.

Micro shrimp. So these are sea monkeys.

These are sea monkeys.

A shrimp.

They're shrimp.

They're shrimp.