show. I

think Mexico's you pay for it. Well, you said that a lot here.

Yeah, you ordered one thing and you got served. Another thing I think they should have.

I think if a restaurant messes up my order, Mexico's gonna pay for it.

You think everybody skin restaurant is funded by Mexico? Do you think that that's channel? But

I think

if we can make him build the wall, we can make him pay for a

mistake that I did not order. What did

you order Bill Tots at a Mexican restaurant. You order Tater Tots? Yeah. I think that's as a mistake. That's on you, buddy. Well, they brought me steak. Conde hated it. Stake. What's that exactly? That's just steak steak covered in preppers. Or I think it's ah, steak. That has been, uh, egg battered. And then, uh, no flour anything. There's an egg bath, and

it's like French washing its terms for state. Yeah, it's egg bath. But

then you then the flower you replace the flower which you would batter the stake it with ghost pepper's ghost pepper flakes,

ghost peppers. Those air ghost peppers will terry up. Guys, I don't know if you've ever touched one or

Well, the scariest part is you get I mean, you can't even see him. You look right through him when you see him so you could get Yeah, they don't exist. You'd be walking around like you, Pepper.

It was you Walk through its its essence, and I'll get in your mouth and yeah. Oh, my God.

What? Don't you dare fucking say

guys. I was How word

we've been recording for a minute and 39. You got me talking shit about Mexico. I'm sorry.

We're going to stop being fooled by this. This sucks.

Look, look, I'm sorry, guys. Look, that's my fault.

Dry line in the sand here.

Okay, Well, there's the line. Hey, it's known in the sand next week. I swear to God, you

don't get your hands out of my sandbox. We're drawing a line in your sandbox through not Troll Hunter. My son. Listen, this oh beach thing you're doing, you're not fooling anyone. Mahalo, Stop. Okay, stop it before. Is this your trying to like? It? Makes you feel more relaxed when you've got a beach atmosphere going on. I just found out my blood pressure's through the roof. So instead of working from the inside out, I'm trying to work from the outside. It s so you're you You went in and busted up the girls volleyball practice the other day said that,

but I'm sad on the

four. Yeah, Yeah. Canceled practice. I said, Ladies, sit down. I'm sanding the floor up.

Well, guys, thank you so much for tuning into the teacher's lounge again. Thistles? Of course. The podcast. Since pertained issues relevant to the him with a high school community. I am your host, Howard Levis. You all know me as the head of the school newspaper. Now, uh, go and introduce yourself, guys.

Hi. My name's Bill Crazy. I Well, I mean, that's what Obviously you guys have heard all the students talking about me. They call me coach crazy now because I guess I've gone nuts. Well, they have reason to believe that At least it's not poor old coach Chester. Uh, previous Coach Chester Chester Chester, child molester. Really? It's not that least my name doesn't rhyme with molester. Thank God that woulda stuck way quicker than crazy because, you know, I like to massage your girl's shoulders. Okay, Bill

What? I guess I'm off off. I'm feeling

a little crazy this week because I'm off my meds.

I guess I'm off my meds

anyway. Bill Crave ee. Ah, former basketball coach now track coach. Hello.

Hey, guys. Sam. Weatherman here still, Department of Motivation Had to pivot a little bit. Uh, give a couple nightmares last week. So if you're a kid on campus and you got problems still come to see me, but make sure you eat your veggies in the morning.

In the morning? Yeah. Is a veggie breakfast a normal thing?

Well, it should be, Uh, absolutely. You got to start off with those vitamins?

Yeah. And fiber. You need thio eat uncooked broccoli. First thing in the morning.

Absolutely. I'm meeting a completely raw diet now. Come on. You got the wrong chicken. You see, I am not a vegetarian. I am not a vegetarian. I'm eating a completely rod diet. I'm eating raw chicken, beef and eggs for breakfast. And for

the last and for the last week since you started that you've actually been spending every night in the hospital, right?

Yeah, it's absolutely I'm related related, but it's

related. And if it's not related. Thank God it is. It's

unrelated, started my Rod. I and I feel very healthy, but I have been having some bouts of diarrhea, and I utterly unrelated. But I've been in the hospital for what they call severe old timey diarrhea. They they think it's gonna go away, but for some reason it's just not

true. Assad's exactly because, you know, diarrhea. Back in the old days, it could kill you.

It really could. I mean, like those wagons were covered in diarrhea. Those that they were going from east to west. In there. Recovered diarrhea. Todd Padre, Women's Studies. That's the study of women, and I'm taught by my students. Yes, you are a misogynist, recovering, recovering misogynists who teaches women's studies. But actually the students teach you. That's

right. And a massage

that's always felt a little unfair for you. It's not like you know what you're doing.

Yeah, I would say, at best, I'm an accidental massage. You're too stupid to really even know that you're being hurtful to women. But the class has changed.

I've noticed some pretty big changes. I noticed you stood outside and held the door open for every female student that came into school this morning. That was

close it before every male studio yourself.

Get it yourself. You are wearing a future is female shirt that now that

you know what that means? Is

that Ah, purposeful choice. Did the students give you that? Our I I don't exactly know, but I know it's good. And I like a literal a shin

ae. I think this is the second shirt you were wearing one yesterday that said the future is snail mail.

Yeah, that one. What I thought was feminist, but apparently was not. It was about sending mail instead of electronically in the mail. Yeah, um, but, you know, I'm a new man. The biggest change you guys haven't mentioned is my fiance, Steve. Uh, who

is that? Who has been seeing behind this whole recording?

I mean, I'm a misogynist, but Steve is a masseuse. He's massaging me right now, and I decided that the best thing I could do for women the most feminist thing I could do was to stop being romantically interested in that. Okay? And you are, uh, not gay, right? Well, I am now, right? Steve? Stephen. I met Steven. I'm at the Chuckle Madness, a CZ you all know. And I'm trying to get in the world of professional tickling competition, right? Right And Steve is There was a referee, a chuckle madness, and we just hit it off. And while Sparks flew

and has Steve said a single word to you since you met him, or is he just kind of stood by quietly, I think

Steve might be mute like my son. Um,

to be fair, your son is not mute. He just chooses not to talk to you.

He's deaf and chooses not to talk to me. That's correct. That's not mute it. In fact, he's deaf. That's right. He's deaf but speaks perfect English very clear. He refuses to speak to May. When you're saying he speaks perfect English. I'm beginning to think he's not deaf. I think you put me on mute, just doesn't here. May I think you got some sort of future future black mirror technology. I say,

Well, this is great. I

mean, Steve here, this seems to

be, uh I mean, I did not think you were over your ex wife at all, and this seems to be a little too far

your ex wife. Your person you've been talking about very regularly for the last

few years that you paint still and draw photos off and write letters to Well, dude, who? The restraining order. I'm no longer allowed to paint her body. That's

an interesting cabbie. I on a restraining order.

I agree. I'm supposed

to. Her a while closer.

Tried to paint her from the distance, but they end up looking like Pollocks. Sorry, Pol Locks.

Jason Bollocks. Oh, what a fantastic artist.

Jason pull is one of my top 51

of you are, You know his work. Because you're in the loop now, right? Yes, Absolutely, Absolutely. He's He's right next to me. I You're covering the Mona Lisa? Yes, well, a painting of me that one of my students did, but yeah, we can call it my painting since it is a vision of me screaming as the devil at her. So I guess it is partially mine. Ah, lot of your

students you mentioned earlier that to the sum of your students are you are having more troubles. And in fact, their troubles are increasing. The more they visit you

and your men and In fact, you you actually did a two day full weekend seminar with one of the clubs here on campus. Right?

Which club was it? Yes, that was the Spanish club largest club on campus. It's got the most kids, and that's where I was going for. I was trying to broaden my reach a little bit. Unfortunately, you know, a lot of a lot of this is about death and rebirth, right? Killing your old self, who was unsuccessful so that a new self could be born right? We'll have a lot of kids right in that middle zone right now. We've definitely killed their past Selves, but we're waiting to see if they will

re emerge. And ah, and high school is about the time where you fully formed your personality. So it's it's a good time to try to immediately shift it. You've tourney them down, but you have yet to build them back up.

And I'd say that most of them are in a state that I would call catatonic

crisis. There's a real crisis with all of the Spanish club.

Yeah, well, we've got the cafeteria. Setup is sort of a danger zone. All the kids that I've been working with our our corn

10. I'll tell you what, It's very cute that someone painted a road on the hallway leading to and it says Highway to the danger zone.

It is cute. I mean, the campus has really gotten behind the Spanish club. They can't talk to them, obviously, since their own catatonic. I did see

I took a peek into the danger zone. Why? I walk the highway to the danger zone and I took a peek in and it does look almost like, um, a war torn area in there, like with some hospital beds. And there's Children if you're walking through the set of Children of men

and with, like, a reverberating cough kind of happening every 15 20 seconds

and, well, we're really hoping for some positive change to come out of that, you know what I mean? We've got a couple kids who have emerged a couple painters mean couple people really expressing themselves.

So they've gone so crazy. They've been sort of painting masterpieces.

Yeah, well, one masterpiece. It's all sort of the image of me as a screaming red devil man. I don't know why this is the image that everybody's seeing. Maybe it's because it

does seem like a common thread.

Yeah, well, you know, I've been doing my lessons in the boiler room. It gets pretty hot, and I am screaming. So I guess I could be a prayer read first.

You're not because the den the devil's just a hot angel. Thank you. Yeah.

Wow. You thought

the devil was the most beautiful angel and God was jealous and kicked him out of heaven is beautiful in the buy. You guys know so much more about Christianity. He was the most. Satan was the most beautiful angel. Hot, beautiful, sexy. Yeah, the Jesus said, Who the hell is that? I want him gone. They made hell. It was Jesus was like it was like his super sweet 16. And he didn't like that. The devil was so much hotter than him. Him and he had Daddy kicked devil right down to hell. Yeah,

well, I guess I feel pretty good then.

Well, you know, I hope that's that's going good. Has

you The you got called into the principal's office. Uh, which I hear about this.

Yeah, he's He's on

the fence. Oh, yeah. I'm on the fence, absolutely on the fence. And that doesn't mean can't make a decision. It means that I'm on the fence between losing my job and keep it because you promised. What was your promise? I'm responsible for the mental health of every student at this school. So

it seems like one of the biggest failures of your lifetime.

Well, some people have said that to me. Most of my students,

actually, at least with crazy limos, you were just ruining cars. Now you're ruining student's lives.

Well, I wouldn't say we're ruining their lives. I think we're ruining about a year of their lives. Something like that. Listen, I feel bad because the things that

obviously the things that happen to you during your teenage years don't stick with you for the rest of your life at all. They're They're here to shake him off. Yeah. You shake him, I'll sleep with you. I got my heart broken. I never think about that. Yeah, well, it seems like the opposite. Still, Steve pulled away from you. Steve Goodman here, baby. Disgusting. Sending kids like this. Well, you know, it's not the fact that it's gay. It's the fact that it's you, Todd. I don't know. I love my fiance. Hey, why don't you help people? I hate you, gay, Todd. That's what I hate. However, you need to manifest your homophobia. Well, uh,

what it is a disaster. You know her? It's been

saying that because their kids don't go home. They stay in the danger zone all night.

Right? Well, the parents are saying, Can I get in? Can I see them? Can I spend some time with school? And again, the answer is a resounding no. It is They're buy. Buy me, Buy me. I stand at the front of the doors or, you know, on the bridge there. And I it is, above all, don't really have to be in. Some of these kids have gotten so mentally sick that it started to create physical problems, and we've really gotta quarantine them on like a crazy island quarantine. Yeah. Yeah. Some of the kids were calling me Dr Moreau, which doesn't make a ton of sense to me because I haven't done into the animals.

You're barely his size. And the little person that follows you around that doesn't look anything like that. Little monster.

David. It looks nothing

like the Moreau guy. It's so crazy. I have a ta now who's one of the students that I tried Thio, you know, help through their problems. But, um anyway, he sees me as a deity now and won't leave my side. It's been really day. I have say he does

wash your feet. Ah, lot and throat threat. He's He's throwing down palm branches in front of you as you enter every room.

Yeah, well, he uses the same three branches and has to cycle them in front of my feet. Yeah, e I don't want to

say that you are dressed like Jesus right now, but you are very much dressed like Jesus.

You don't you

know? It's okay. You can say it's something I'm sort of leaning into. You're wearing

a cheap, shiny $5 wig. Yeah, with a crown of

thorns. Just like Jesus. A lot. You don't know that Jesus did not have Harry Warwick? Yeah, Jesus was a bald man, a ball Jew. Which

means that the devil probably wasn't that that attractive because

Jesus was

quite a double was a five way too is a blow to every time I see those pictures of Jesus in church. That beautiful white man with the with the high cheekbones. I'm, like,

both share. Jesus was ugly. He had on a

wig. He had no chance. Yeah, well, speaking of new helpers in your life, you got somebody that you've been working with lately?

I do. Guys, you know, I started a partnership last week with El Chapo. Um, and he's really increased the newspaper distribution.

Notorious drug kingpin and murderer. L chop. Oh, yeah. He's told me he's off again. Relationship with being in prison.

Yeah, he has told me emphatically

that relationship is hot and heavy. Yeah. Hey is in love

and and and I'll tell you right now, they will. He is. Hey, is having sex with the police having sex of the prison, remember? Well, they definitely haven't been married yet, so

I would say is wrapping it up.

But anyway, while the means to the end are are sort of ah, less than positive. The end to that is actually has been wonderful. You know, I want to go on record to apologize for last week, everybody, I buried the lead on that. I let myself go. And Ah, And that Cheetah man Cheetah men just happened to be in the room last week and I let loose on him

going because you were by the lists week you were an Alex Jones ask screaming

lunatic was the It was the I think it was

going to do with Marty Mountain. You guys had a really Ah, one on one.

Hey was obviously lying, You know, he was obviously lying. And honestly, while I don't agree with the sort of expression of my feelings towards him, I do agree with the passion with which I attacked a lead. You were doing it voluntarily, crumpling that paper. I am. Well, it's It is voluntary. I'm doing this on purpose, because if I don't do this, one of you guys is going to get something to the face and listen. It has really held, like to the fact some look around you look around you.

Uh, Okay, well, I see a few cinder blocks strapped up above us. Now

I'm just saying, Would you prefer me crumple this paper? Cut the cord and lettuce. Cinderblock.

I see a giant boxing glove attached to some sort of spring mechanism. Yeah. Yeah, it's a comical trap.

And then there's another one in the other corner of a nun who looks like she's ready to punch me as well.

It's the same trap dressed up like a nun. Uh,

well, I'm glad that me and you put our beef to rest. I mean, we obviously the whole school knows. And the entire town knows that after last

week's resting some raw beef. Right now, um, I'll get it afterwards, okay? You're arresting it. I'm resting it. Yes, instead of cooking it and letting it rest, I let I took it out of the refrigerator

and you let it sit. Bring in a room temperature. Right. Okay. Yeah. You want some room? 10 beef. Obviously. The entire school in town knows that After last week's recording, me and you took it outside into the parking lot parking lot, and

we had a three

rounds of Ah, fight,

right? Yeah. I appreciate a holds bar, and I appreciate the work. I appreciate the work of the shop kids to set that ring up quickly as they did.

And I also want

to give a shout out to mankind for coming in and doing socko.

That's right, Mick Foley was here on. He did socko on both of us just for fun.

Because, as our listeners know,

last week, Cheatham in my star runner on my track team, he was exposed. Well, you know, an alleged cheetah dressed as a Jewish boy and alleged cheat addresses a Jewish boy. He was obviously a Jewish boy who was my fan. My best runner in the alleged cheetah. I met on the Savannah when I was living there as an ostrich. But you cheetah was in an attempt to protect me. You were screaming last week. Cheetah man came in here, you choked him out. And off came his disguise. His little boy disguised little boy disguise of on those glasses with a nose on a mustache. Um, and a Yamaka came off

and he was

exposed as an actual cheetah, which really, I mean, that

was behind you in it. I was flabbergasted. Shook you to your core. I could not believe that that young Jewish boy who's just running circles around kids,

you hear that night we were planning on

doing his bar mitzvah. That's where I

still wasn't convinced. I thought maybe it's just a boy who wears glasses and it doesn't like his nose. But when that circumcised Penis fell off and I saw he was an uncircumcised, it was not a circumcised boy's Penis circumcised cheetah Penis

that took me six weeks

to make it color. Remind that uncircumcised Penis, I put it on the shelf and I would return every night making a mold of an uncircumcised Penis. It was obviously a moment of you know whose Penis Mr

Weatherman's. What can I say? I snuck in and I did a plaster of Paris mold.

So to to mold a little boy's Penis, you use Mr Weatherman.

That's right. I needed a uncircumcised. Sorry, a circumcised small Penis. So he got one of me when I was asleep. Plaster of Paris him He basically I was asleep. And when were you last night and also plastered And I blast your affairs to you. I was asleep like I always am face down on the table with a hold of it. And he was able to just come take a bucket full of plaster and held it up. I will usually be closed. Their info Gonta granted, of course, lawful. A grand day. Obviously French for in the nude, Uh, now and well, anyway, you exposed him. He was immediately kicked out of the school.

Well, after we had our no holds barred cage match Where Miss Mankind, When I won, I was allowed back in school. The rules were set. The roads were seven in a cage match by the principal. He said, All right, if this is gonna happen, which it looks like it is holds or not being barred, we've got to set up some steaks. Yeah, on. He said, uh, if not, you have steaks every three minutes to window. You were not gonna set up your steak. Yeah, no, nobody wants. He said if Mr Crazy wins, he gets to stay. Yeah, And if Mr Crazy loses, he has to leave. There will be no consequences for Mr Levis,

Thank God. Because I'm a terrible fighter. You saw you saw me.

Well, I think he

knew that you had some dirt

on him. I'll say this if he did. If he didn't, then he should know. Now, Henderson, I've got all the dirt in the world on you. I got enough dirt to dig three tunnels on you. Now

that is a That's a straight up threat, which will be aired this week, and he will know. Well, luckily, I was allowed back into the school, and obviously my star track player, um, is gone, so I don't know how I'm gonna deliver on my promise. What? I promised the school that I will take

attractive. You've got 10 other kids. You've got 10 other kids on that team that you have neglected all years.

Worst to first and last too fast. And we all know

that I did walk in here. You were here a little early, and I got in and you're ending a phone call. And you said, All right, I'll talk to you later. Barry Bonds. That was obviously I couldn't get ahold of Darryl Strawberry. Yeah, you were talking to Darryl Strawberry's for awhile. Darryl Strawberry's, of course, the strawberry patch outside of town, while

I was looking

for some steroids. So you went to the person who's a notable cocaine addict here. Weeds. I was looking for some steroids, and you went to Darryl Strawberry, who's a notable cocaine addict.

Yes, and he did give me some cocaine. Um, obviously I went, Thio went to Smaltz. You're the Smaltz after him.

Were you trying to get mustache cream? Well, what do you want? Your smallest. You know, the only thing is, I know

Darryl Strawberry. John Smaltz, that guy who's got the mullet from Texas and he throws

a mean fastball. Ready John Tracy, Job said, was his nickname.

Hey, is the Big Unit or the unit?

The unit? I called up the unit. David Justice. I called Fred McGriff all of the mind off all of the

early nineties Braves. But I did get a hold of Bonds and let's just say, Here's let's just say I got some steroids and I'm giving it to my team. Let's just say that. Let's just say that we'll leave it at that. It will just leave it at. I have steroids and I'm giving him toe all my team.

Well, and if you were, if you were worried about cheating men being gone, I do want to say that, you know, I've been working with him a little bit, and he's not gone forever. What do you mean? Let's just say we'll cross that bridge when we get

to it. Oh, I think what he's saying t like an alligator. And if people fall out in a minute Cheetah, cheetah mons in the moat around the danger zone. Exactly. She

is a danger zone. Let's just say that if any parents fall into that speaking code, unless you say Let's just say that if any parents fall into the moat, they'll be eaten by again. Let's just say a cheetah. Well, it seems like this

school is gone. Absolutely. No, I have a question. What's the food situation in the danger zone? Do you have any use for £200 of warm sashimi grade tuna?

Now, you said it's warm. Does that mean that's raw are not wrong?

Uh, that means it is has been cooked by the sun, but not officially.

Oh, yeah, I can

use that. That's great. But I'm trying to unload it. Yeah, I went by your your pok store on Dhe. There was a lot of signs up in the front lot assignment signing going out of business sale. Come get your fish as quick as you can

see, a lot of Sinus bragging about the new toilet. Yeah, well, just

the new toilet put us out of business. You finally got a toilet. You're mature. Store. We pulled out all the stops, Got one of those funny Japanese toilets.

Very funny, though. Is that the funniest hornets in the world? Now they have a speaker on them, right? That plays old. Stand up while you go to the bathroom.

Yeah. Gained. Revealed. You go to the bathroom, and, uh, it's it's I record over a lot of it. So it's I got no pool suspect. Finally. Yeah, they push back. Yeah, and the jokes of the same. Otherwise,

just a quick. Are you making any money on the clearance sale in your restaurant? Yeah, because I've never seen everything. Must go sign on. A restaurant

is basically a fish restaurant. Uh, I haven't looked at the numbers yet. Eso it's The jury is out on that, But just based on bodies coming into the restaurant, it's mostly the homeless. The

journey really is out because you have been sort of had some lawsuits levied against you for the location, and the body's really are coming in because it's also a funeral home at this point. Right? So the jury's out on you, killing people with warm pok but the bodies Aaron to the funeral.

Honestly, this is the craziest business have ever heard of in my entire life.

I don't understand why you think that. I mean, what stinks worse than old fish? Dead people? The fish mask, the smell of the dead on

That's the That's the title of the funeral. What stinks working what

stinks worse. And so you come in and that's the first thing they ask you. And if you say old fish, they say, Come on, animal store your corpses here. Wow. But we did have a bit of a debacle. Where? In the middle of an open casket funeral they realized they had switched a body with some pok Oh, my God And eso. Somebody left my restaurant eating, eating a grandpa with avocado, sesame seeds and seaweed,

which is funny because you were saying the funeral. It passed for a fuel, right? No, no, man.

It past Yeah. Yeah, that too. No six feet deep. Yeah, because I great. Somebody said Grandpa looks beautiful, as they were looking at. Just like a big pile of spicy tuna. Yeah, Yeah, well, he died in a, um He died in a fire

that would make this. This is It's uncooked. What's that? That would make no sense because it's uncut. All that to the bereaved where you fold them. And you laid him

to rest. Good for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You always say you always hold your

hand up as if to say, um, talk to the hand and you say Talk to the bereaved all the time. I talked to the breathe because the happier listening Steve

got a chuckle out of that.

Hey, that's the first time I heard of you at all your life,

right back at you, Steve. I do not like this, uh, kids. That little tummy stop kissing is Tommy.

Well, guys has been an eventful week, and we and we hope, hope everybody's still hanging in there. Yeah, tuning us out. I mean,

all of us being on the chopping block, our podcast privileges were pulled, but we are sneaking into the lounge right

on, and we bribed a janitor. We did, and we actually locked in a really interesting guest this week on sleep. I don't think any of us have had any time to actually sit down and chat with her. Ah, she is the oldest senior here at the school. Miss Barbara. Tasty. How you doing today, Barbara?

I'm so good. I'm so happy to be here. That's

great. You know what I did call you, miss? Yeah, I called you Miss Barbara Taste because you are quite a bit older than the rest

of the students here. 45. Okay, 1918 years. Your Yes, of course. Of course. Yeah. I'm several decades older than that on how did

that happen? Was it one great You felt multiple times,

or did you just have trouble with that? You take each

one, maybe three or four times.

Oh, sure. Yeah. Actually, that's kind of how it usually happened. When I was about 17 I was kidnapped. I lived in a basement for Oh, gosh, I don't know, Uh, nearly 27 years when I got out, I was like, Well, I'm gonna I'm gonna finish school right now. I have to go to prom.

You famously came back. Yeah, quick. Yeah, I'm being ruled. It's

been about four and 1/2 weeks. You are so chipper. You talk about positive thing. I mean, I used to live in a dark room. Any dog food every day. Yeah, and I still eat dog food because my digestive system can't really process any solid food. So you know what? If you got any of that raw meat, it would really be just about a

pet. Agree cars and bid,

drive, drive, drive. Wow. Very generic. Very generic dry dog. But I haven't been able to find the exact brand that my captor used to be looking

for. Your worst when you can't find the thing and you just don't know what it was

food somewhere. And you're like,

What was that? And I you know, I never got to see the package. You know, it kind of tossed it me. And were you in order? Oh, yes. Wow. That's why my eyes are completely white.

Yeah, they're kind of like white ish gray over things that would have hurt my feelings. I'm not sure how you feel about it was for the last eight years. Your captor plum forgot about you,

if that's true. Yeah, yeah, I only got in the sort of the police. I I only got out because he died of natural causes and someone bought the property. Wow. Before they found you

was celebrated in the papers. Just a Really? They laid him to rest, Had the whole military there?

Well, yeah, because he

was actually a general in the in the armed forces. Yes. Uh, and he was He was a respected man.

General George eyes betray us, right? Well,

he betrayed us.

Yeah. Now you see. So he's a

respectful man. Does

How did he treat you? Show you that same respect or well, I would say, Yeah. You know, as faras captors go, he was great. He would hate gave me a He would sometimes read to me from one Reader's Digest from 1991 but only the articles about health s

so you didn't even know you didn't even know that The Simpsons had topped Cosby.

Go. I don't know what either of those things are. I can on Lee imagine One's a building and the other one's a bigger building. And to that, I say, Kudos. Uh, I'll say that you said

you were

gone for what was what was life in

town like back when you were going to school here.

Oh, gosh. You know, it was a blast I had so many buds at the school. You know when how everybody just throws a bunch of tin cans at their favorite friend? Uh, sure. Throwing. I had tin cans just tossed right at me every Tuesday. Still a tradition. I haven't seen a tin can Tuesday in a while, so you were

kind of socially abused even before you were

kidnapped. You Some people call it of you.

Would you say the kidnapping

was a relief?

Well, you know, in a way, it was just nice to, like Have have have structure. Yes. Structure to be appreciated. Yeah, because I wrote a little bicycle in the basement. I powered all the power in the General's house. Wow. And he would always, you know, our

general, General Petraeus, is

how? Yeah, I was the motor behind General Petraeus his house. And let me tell you, I've had a lot of electronics. I had to pedal hard and fast 24 hours a day.

I remember he had one of the most incredible Christmas displays everywhere.

That I only knew the my only marker was every December. I had to just, uh, just pedal twice is hard. So

you knew when he was saying that you had your way. Oh, you If I'm peddling twice, twice as much, that's because it's crispy.

And merry Christmas. Hi. My legs. They're gonna fall plumb off

your body. Is it really reflects this past you've had? Because you're very buff. You obviously have wide eyes.

Yeah. So developed, um, a little, uh, a little horn that has a light on. Oh, yeah, like an angler. Like my bioluminescence. Is that why odd is wild? It's great. I prefer to be in the dark now. Just gets a little more comfortable for me off

the lights here for a second. You see how you

show your fall? Bite your fingers. Whoa! Wow. And look, my teal, they're sharp like an angler Fish. Jesus. You got

a lot of traits that I taught. Do you mind if I get a little piece of poop out of your little box? It's a sandbox. I said don't touch it. I

wanna feed her a little. God,

Look at that.

She's got her head in the fish bowl. She's completely fine underwater.

Wow. Take a take a little piece. I'm gonna be this

video. Our that. Well, when you get something soft, you gotta eat it right up. That video is

one of the hardest parts of high school is just the, you know, you're with a lot of people who are, like, just finally going through there trying to figure out their sexuality and all that. What's dating, like for you, right?

Oh, boy. Well, it's, you know, it is quite a revelation. You mentioned discovering your sexuality for a very long time. I thought I was on Lee. Attracted thio corners. Really corners, like of a room? Yes. Yes, like one particular corner. I really they had Thio pry me out of that basement with the jaws of life Because my boyfriend, I will say Northeast, there were four of my my my baby was East west. Saw

you sitting with Cem Cem, uh, out calling disinterested students at lunch the other day, showing them a za welcome change the way you usually call. But I saw you sitting with these students on dhe. You were showing them an album of photos that were of you and, uh, the corner of a

room. It was it was,

ah, sort of a relationship retrospective between you and in a

corner. Yeah, well, we went on a romantic vacation. You know, they wouldn't let me take the basement corner cause it's a foundational element of the house. As you know, they sold that house to Martha Stewart. She owns that house now.

She kept and kept your basement as it

is. Yes, yes, because she said, just in case she's coming for you, Martha on dso I But I did meet another corner recently. Way That's the corner. I went on that vacation with. Went to Niagara Falls. Wow, a plane

ticket for a court, a corner cost.

Well, guess what? Free cause There's no precedent.

The airline was so confused. I just said it's

a piece of luggage and demanded t Yeah, they

kicked some women and leggings off and put the corner on.

Yeah, well, the corner was wearing a full tux. That's how he prefers toe. That's how you finally finally

let a male corner on a plane any day before I let a female in leggings on. I'm sorry, Todd, That was wrong. I learned that that was is not okay to, say women congressional away. That makes men horny. And that's their right and we shouldn't be allowed to stop them just cause we can't control ourselves. And I learned that, right? Steve? Steve looks upset for something very play in the sand for little Steve.

Now you are out,

and that has got to feel great. You're out. You're back in school. You're

in our regular fish. You're doing well in school.

Oh, well, thanks. You know, I'm just trying my best. I'm really eager to go to college next year. Occasionally,

James Cameron comes and looks at you in a submarine, but

that's really drive. It's like a duck tourist thing where he drives a submarine on land into the school

full of that is very wealthy colleague. Some kind of gimmick. I think it's fun. Yeah.

Now it must have been devastating that that script you worked so hard on Unbreakable Barbara Tasty was not makeable.

I you know, I don't think it's I don't think it's not makeable. I think maybe it just wasn't the time. It's not normal

anymore. Cassie since turned it into avatar, right? So

that unbreakable Barbara tasty. A simple story about ah bunch of blue people who live in the forest and none of them are even called Barbara Taste. It's more of a subtext. Unbreakable. Kimmy Schmidt. You know I hate that show. I don't believe it. I find it to be just tremendously. Ah, stretch. But in the breakable Barbara Tasty. Let me tell you, those blue people, they've got tails. And, boy, are they six.

It's almost You needed your creative outlet for that. You invented this interesting world, but still had a very, uh, very subconsciously something that was really bugging you. And you're the only way to get that out was the title of the movie.

I think the title just explains what happens. Yeah.

Say lots. Been going around, going, going on at school recently.

We're going around to diphtheria. That was going around. That's right.

And do you find that you coming from a

That doesn't bear really way.

We've already delved deep into that. I didn't think it was still a thing. We wanted to talk.

Obviously, a lot of people caught that cirrhosis, which

I think was Yeah. I didn't think it was contagious. If you get close enough to someone,

Yeah, you can do that. So

sorry. Does anybody want a chicken strip? Those seem to be

battered, but not cut. Correct. Oh, so that's chicken contact.

Oh, I guess it

is. I don't really cook Mexican a lot, so but yeah, that sounds about right. It is battered and egg and left. Ross. So I guess that's chicken pecan guy. Love chicken. Scotty, I'll take a bite. Okay.

Oh, I

oh, I should have said there's ghost peppers on these. Whoa! I didn't even see

that on there.

Whoa. My taste buds are burner. I can really I cannot eat. I can't drink water. It burns my mouth. Water burns your mouth when you drink. Just my own pee pee. Just your own BP. Wow! D'oh! Long. And I did it. I

was I was walking out to the track the other day and I saw you pee in your own mouth, and it was It

was really a

site. And, uh, what a balancing act.

You have a div. I went down to the shop class. I made a device. You know, you can Ah, it's kind of a funnel. It just helps it get on up there. You live in a basement for 27 years, you learn to do some fun things with your pee pee. It's kind of

a funnel, but I mean, like, you know, your craftsmanship is pretty good. It's a final, but it looks like a Krazy Straw.

No. Well, yeah, I think it is. It's

fun. It's a funnel capital. F U N Last Tuesday was bring your parents to school. Um, what did you do for that? Are you still in touch with your parents?

They died. Well, I wouldn't forget. I was in there for a very long time. And I was a child of older parents When I was 17 They were already both in

their early sixties. They unfortunately passed away. But after your disappearance, they adopted almost a week later. It was almost as if they they put you there.

Oh, yeah, they actually what I have learned since getting out is they They just had a lovely time. Well, I was in that basement. They adopted a beautiful a beautiful girl from China on. They just did so much traveling. And they my dad learned howto all right, a unit cycle. They just really was almost like the I didn't know I was God. Yeah, which is so nice for them

are almost that they had, like, maybe orchestrated the kidnapping. And because they wanted to get rid of the one, they had to get a new one.

Yeah, like there was

some suspicion, but it was unbelievable. It was unprecedented, that state, actually. Ah, the state asked IQ self if it was gonna press charges, and it said no.

Yeah, and I'm glad. I'm glad that nobody pressed charges. I don't think I think my parents I did not do this on purpose. If it was, my very own parents bought you. Yeah. Sorry. Could you tell

May? Do you remember a lot from the day when you were kidnapped? Can you tell us that story? Um, just explicitly. This is, like, off the record. Just tell us what happened that day.

Oh, I would love to. It was a positive memory up until the very end. Okay, so it was prom, Actually, I had just 1990 one? Yes. Prom 1990. And I, uh I had a wonderful date. This'll lovely gentleman. I met behind the stop and shop. Um called. Didn't have any. Did anybody ever meet Big Larry? He's sort of a town figure that. I was very honored to be asked, but none of the year old around

town and him and Bush life.

Oh, yes, Yes. Exactly. So he was the first. He was the 1st 1 to ask me to promise. I had to say yes. You didn't have to. Well, definitely

wasn't a student at the time. And it was It was likely it would have been a strange thing They ring

wasn't a student when he asked you to prom.

No, he was. That's why I was so flattered. You know, you're 17 at the time. A groan. A man who just a very big man. His T shirt was always so little. But, you know, that was cool at the time. It was the night and everybody was wearing a midriff.

So you bring big way home for problem. But your parents, I assume go. Okay. This is enough.

No, they we actually never got into the photos. Picked me up for prom. It 9 a.m. Early, early. You got to get there early. That's what that's when all the sex happens is what I heard. I was very eager to, you know? Well, yeah, I was a kid. I was just horny as I'll get out. Ready. Oh, I used

to go to prom because I was afraid the juice would run out. Yeah, I guess it's different. Um, so being O. J. Yeah. You run out before I got a chance to see him. This was a big

picture. This is before the trial, when o. J. Would go to every problem

through the Jews, would avoid people. He would run

out on you all the time pretty quickly.

I loved all those because we're all about the same age that Siri's of prom photos were. Just every I feel like every third prom photo. O. J. Was just the 3rd 1 You know, Just Holden Holden.

Actually, I've never admitted this. He actually killed my prom date.

Oh, yeah? Well, that's a brush. I remember

that. You were. You're pro. You went to prom with Ron Golden?

I did? Well, yeah, there was a different time. I've changed a lot since then. Me and Ron, we're just getting our pictures taken. When I was wearing the dress, he

was being that you swore off being idea. I swear off

or just you You went to a conversion Can I did. I got electroshock therapy and shocked the gay out of myself. Honestly, Every day. I wish that I hadn't, uh, life got exponentially harder from the day that I I got out of that

filled with anger and secrets. Yeah, I think they're starting to come out anyway. So you went to your nine. AM? You're trying to get a problem with big

way up in the most beautiful limo I've ever seen. A all white, tall, tall, very house. Painters like I used to drive a rolled up on a ladder. Yes.

So Big Larry showed up to your house carrying a ladder? Yes. Which is plenty of space for two.

Absolutely. Exactly. And I thought, Well, gosh Oh, how lucky am I to be dating a fully grown man in a tiny little T shirt driving around a ladder on I got right on top of that ladder. We went right to the center of town where, of course, Big Larry traded me to General Petraeus for $45. And now I got It was a long time ago that $45 back then this'll put

pre Clinton economy

so I, uh I said, Well, hey, what's going on? And then, you know,

your prayers weren't involved at all.

No, they were They were at the store the whole time.

The store from nine. A.

M and shop? Yeah, they

were. You initially met Big Larry. There could have been a cross on a solution. Now, if this is gonna hurt your feelings, E. I remember that prom big Larry went with Gwen Ericsson and Baby, they were crowned prom king and queen. Yeah. Yeah, he did come to prom.

Oh, uh, that's it seems

like it's hurting. Oh, my God. You're light just went out.

No, my, uh, my feelings aren't Wait.

They're kind of drawing on your teeth or filing down to normal. It's

your hurt feelings were turning your human again. Oh, my God. And or less weird.

Yeah. Let's take a look. You're transitioning into

Wow, you're a big Larry just told me. He told me he'd wait for me on, and then you never love anybody else. And I've been

and he classically loved fish.

Well, you're turning back into Ah, lady, are you supposed to be kissed before a certain time? You'd stay a

fish. I was supposed to be kissed before my 46 birthday. Uh, and no. Right

now, Big Larry is on tour. Uh, he's on the blue collar comedy tour. We can see what is coming through town. Maybe Foxworthy Larry Cable guy in Big Larry. That's right. I wasn't suggesting that Larry the Cable guy's Big Larry. No, no,

of course not. Notice what is burglaries. Catchphrase again? Oh, all that spaghetti. That was when I first met him because he was just always around a bucket. Forget,

Yeah, he does a pretty anti A tally and stand up set, which, compared to the other guys on the tour, is the least offensive.

It's funny, it's actually, I mean, the structures of the jokes are really funny. It's like he'll complain about something that Italians do and then attack on and all that's beginning. Yeah, it's like it's like, easy saying this is a thing I hate about Italians.

Just grand. All that's again says all

the terrible things but mainly hates how much spaghetti.

It's not wrong. It's too much of a point. Yeah, every Italian.

Barbara Barbara. It's 2017. You can't go around making stereotypes about cultures that

you know what? Last time I lived in the world, you could just throw a pot of boiling water and anyone you wanted, the way they look, I think the PC police have just really ruined a lot of

Yeah, in 91. You're right. You could insult someone's racer religion without consequence,

not go the PC police anymore either. It's the Geek Squad.

Oh, you have

really great strong opinions for only being out of your hole for four weeks. I'm so proud of you. You really seem to come back to current times and really have adjusted like

a reverse beauty and the beast or no. Well, yeah, it is. She's an ugly beast right now, right? Yes. You, uh,

how what happened? S

so you didn't kiss. You didn't fall in love by the time the last rose petal fell. Was that a

thing? That's that's a beauty and the beast thing. But I, um I What happened with me was I stayed in love with Big Larry, uh, past my 46th birthday, right that I find truly did it. Why you're not on the

dirty older woman Verse is a walking, talking fish

Yes, and I much preferred being a good eye. Does anybody have a mirror? I I would love to see what I look like.

Beer on the wall over there.

Oh, that's great. How convenient.

You just kind of walk up to it and you say mirror, mirror on the wall. What do I look

like? A mirror mirror on the wall?

Who's the biggest of them all?

Who's the ugliest of them all? You Oh, well,

you can see the you can see the face of Ruben Studdard saying you are.

But when do I get to just see in the mirror or you want t o see what I look like now that I'm not

fish? This is my sorry full 2000. Really? Please.

What is 2004?

I was a year between the date you disappeared. And today

Oh, uh,

back right about right in the middle.

Oh, okay. So right around the time I was first starting. Just sprout my fish wing like

that's the thing on your head. It's official is

Reuben Reuben Would you let her see a photo of herself? Earth,

Show yourself. You go.

Oh, no. Oh, I don't like this

thinks he's on American. I actually think that mirror plays clips from Ruben Studdard's run on American Idol. I said, I don't actually think anything's a union.

Can you hold on for one second? Barbara, we have to figure out what's going on with this mirror. Uh,

started. Soak in what your picture looks like. What?

I don't think I belong in Hollywood.

She's e I don't think he's responding to us. I don't think you can.

You hear? Is are these just clips? Reuben? Well, that seems pretty mean. Simon cow. Think it's just

clips? Barbara, you seem pretty disappointed about what you look like.

Yeah, I just, um Last time I saw myself as a human, I was Ah, fair. I was an enormous 17 year old girl with a bunch of with just the most acne you've ever seen. You were big Barbara. I Yes, Yes, I was. I been really trying to avoid that nickname since I've seemed to have shaken it after I became basement Barbara. But I was big Barbara on, um I liked Big Barbara and then I liked Anglerfish Barbara and just this new barber this fit don't know, no upset

u turn U Turn out! Turn out! You're a beast!

You're a beast! Your V C's I don't

get this fairy tale that This is so confusing. Barbara, you're making this confusing. Barbara, are

you a beast? I'm a baby. You got emotional when you turn into a beast.

Let's try this Barbara Harbor right now. This corner over here, it's not your boyfriend Corner. But do you find it attractive?

No, I just All I want is a beautiful woman who I think is due young for me. Barbara. Barbara, Have you ever run track? Uh, no, but I used to run back and forth across the basement all the time. That to pass the distances. Three ex sprint

Ever thought of, maybe room trying out for the track team? Mmm. Sure. The driver when you were running back and forth hurdle over anything?

Yeah, I would jump over my bicycle. I used to create power all the time.

Why? This could be printed. You ever by any chance happen? Thio hand hand, eh? Eh like sort of cylindrical object off to?

Yes, to the ghosts in the basement. You handed off a baton to ghosts all the time. It was the only thing that kept them occupied.

Shit. Now this is Craig crazy. But did you ever hold a heavy ball between your chin and shoulder and spin in circles and then throw it

all the time? Well, I made my dog food into a ball and I threw it against the window to try to get anybody's attention. Well, have you

ever did you ever disguise yourself as if you were inside of a principal's office? Um, to help get secrets for a certain publication?

Yes, you did. Yes, I did that one day I got out of the basement. Really? And I was allowed to just spend one day in a principal's office and I went out. You had a kidnapping? Rumspringa. It was too scary. I came back to go back. I missed my corner.

Oh, that's that stock home. Their classic Stockholm thesis city.

Well, I hope you like your new form is a beast, Barbara. I like

it because it sounds to me like you could potentially be very useful. Thio at least two of us in the room.

Do you like the taste of old fish?

Is it the same disgusting dog food. I think it could be I would love some old fish. The more rotten, the better.

You're gonna love the

weatherman. And Barbara here could pig out at your restaurant and maybe get you out of debt. I'll pay top dollar. Really? Uh, I've never seen it. I've never seen the deal. I wouldn't

take something. We like to do it. The end of every episode, Barbara is We like to take a look at our vision boards and see, See some goals that we are setting for ourselves.

I could start today because I am seeing now that my newspaper while it's getting some traction, you know, my my vision board has has said that I would like Thio get national circulation for the school paper. And I don't think we're going to reach national. We are getting some some traction, but I do think that if nothing else,

I think I

can probably ah, get enough information about this people in the higher up positions at this school to maybe a leverage, a bribe or two. You have a picture of ah week that Wikileaks wikileaks has a picture of Julian Assange because I think that that might be my ticket to keep my job

for this year. Oh, that He's a good guy, a good guy. Who's that other good guy who's living in Russia? Snowed

snows note in good, good guy. But anyway, so I think my my plan for the next week is Thio Keep pulling it those threads of the sweater, hoping that I can unravel it to the ground and keep myself say, Yeah, um, I've obviously got a picture of Chipper Jones on his cell phone number. I'm gonna be calling him. I obviously

found some roids from Bonds, but I want to get a backup just in case. Atlanta Braves third baseman Chipper Chipper Jones. Well, last week, my goal was to let my ex wife, now that I've made some changes and plan the funeral of the man that died when I was tickling him, um, I was able to plan that funeral. Unfortunately, the man was eaten and replaced with Fish s. Oh, my condolences. But you know, if you got a problem with that, talk to the bereaved for next week for next week, Steve and I are going to be a loping in Las Vegas and So Vegas in Las Vegas, we're going down the Mexico and we're saying we're gonna get married in Las Vegas. And you know what happens in Las Vegas? You can talk about anywhere. That's right.

That's right, looking over here at my vision board. Um, my vision board is a television today. On it is Luke Television Board Television Board. It is looping. One flew over the cuckoo's nest because that is exactly what I need. I need a bunch of healthy mental patients. Yeah, and I need to change that cafeteria from a simple, you know, sanitarium to I don't know if they think we're a big Indian guy crushes the window and everybody gets out.

I think you're missing one part of that, which is the main character, which I'm guessing is you gets killed at the end of that movie. Uh,

well, all I know is that at the end of this, someone's gonna need a lobotomy, and I'm hoping it's not me. I'm hoping it's a bunch of the kids, but we'll see

who. Well, wow, Well, we're in bad shape. Barbara,

what's what's on your vision board? I'm a B s

o. My major goal is to track down big Larry jumpers head off before I stop being a beast, and then get on that track field And when states God, I

really want you to be on the team. But I just got burnt with a Jewish cheetah.

Well, I mean, she is an enrolled student student. If you start crying, who knows what Your check. You might change into a goddamn slug and lose the race.

Okay, That's anti feminist. I've told women, if you start crying, you're gonna become a slug. And I have learned that that is anti feminist. It

doesn't bother me because I have not been in the world since

this new wave of feminism.

Oh, you've got You're gonna be yelled at for saying almost anything for a while.

I've been waiting to get a pot of boiling water thrown on my head. And honestly, I'm disappointed it hasn't happened yet. Thank you. You, Stevie. What's your problem? I'm gonna soak my feet in, Steve. Thank you, Steve. What? Steve, Steve's walking away, Steve. Just get stuck his tongue out at you. You're thing is worth. This is disgraceful. This is worse than the middle finger. Steve, Just pulled

his pants down and showed you

asshole, Move your morning. We know.

Well, how about this, Steve?

Oh, my God. Steve just threw a court summons at you. Oh, Jesus Christ, Steve. You'll see me in court looking me, Steve gabbing Steve by both cheeks, pulling his face cars miss, but wide. So you in court

just said I'll see you in court, right to Steve's asked.

It is. Well, guys, thing has been a very enlightening week. We're very happy to have had Barbara tasting here on

our way. Wait, We're gonna handle this. We're

gonna handle this. We're gonna handle Steve. We're

gonna wait until I tell you. I told next time the rounds that say this, everybody until next time you just coming down the Raptors

way, Rooth.