Meatlejuice’s Feast

Well, guys, I think we're making some progress on the stink behind the restaurant. You know how out by the dumpsters there's been that stink that we couldn't get rid of

no matter what? We pour bleach on it. We pour oil on it. We did everything.

It's tough to get out, but I buffed all night last night. I also flamed it. You know what I mean? So it should be better. If you guys want to go back there and take

a sniff. Well, you guys know, thanks for the parking spot, by the way, but I don't love the location.

It's the closest one to the door. I know. And I was just going to say, I walked in through the back, obviously.

Give a mouse a cookie.

Give a mouse a cookie. Complaining. You get the nice spot, of course, by the dumpster. By the stink. You want to be close or do you want your spot to not stink?

I think we went with convenience over making sense for a lot of this. So the dumpster and your parking spot are right at the front door. Yeah. Because we

didn't want to have a long walk to the trash can. Unfortunately, you keep valeting the dumpster.

What do you mean, unfortunately? Where else are we supposed to do it? Did I say unfortunately? You did. Oh, sorry. Sorry.

With fortune. God, we can valet with much, much fortune. We can valet.

That's what I'm talking about. With a dumpster. I knew it was good to pay extra for that dumpster with a steering wheel. I knew it was good. Oh, and I like that you chopped

the top of it. It's convertible now. We took it to the beach the other day.

ladies weren't loving

The

but who was? The seagulls. The seagulls were going nuts. The seagulls were going nuts. The seagulls were going nuts. I'll take 20 seagulls over one woman any day.

Absolutely. We left the beach

with

40 seagulls in tow.

Which, hey, yeah, yeah. We did.

Oh, yeah. And we whined and dined them on bread, bread,

bread, bread. Dude,

Sunday was like a movie. Oh, no. Oh, 20 seagulls per guy.

Full montage. In the Santa Monica Beach pier,

scrounging for trash. And we play in Flock of Seagulls when we're driving

Oh, yeah. You know we are. Yeah. And we are kings with a movie. Just every fellow we walk by doing the sunglasses like.

around.

Yeah. Oh, my God.

You should have seen us cruise through Beverly Hills the other day, 40 seagulls flying behind the car.

Unbelievable. Jealousy. Oh, yeah. And they wouldn't park too close to us because they know they were getting scatted on all day and they weren't going to park

too close to us. Well, we know when one of us comes in and we're covered in white doo -doo, we've had the night of our lives. Hey, it's the Walk of Shame.

listen. You come in,

Oh,

somebody had a good night. I don't know what you

heard about me. Okay. But

I'm a

motherfucking

P -I -N -P. Big pimping this weekend with us and the seagulls. Yeah.

Big pimping. But to get back to the stink, Sam, it's not getting better. It's getting better. I think. It's getting better. I think we're just getting used to it.

Well, I am putting at least. I know it's not getting better. I know it's not

getting better. He's not crazy. I'm not getting better.

But I am putting a lot of baking soda on top

of it. Yeah. And so that is. It's a mask. It's a mask. Yeah. Yeah. A

of sorts.

muting mask

Which, by the way, thank you for the

birthday gift as well. Oh, yeah. I mean, not to go back, but it

is so hard to make the dumpster stink when we want to attract seagulls to date us. Yeah. It's kind of like pick your poison. Yeah. Either we have a clean dumpster and a successful restaurant. Or we're the happiest guys in

town.

Happiest and coolest.

Yeah.

Yeah. But it's just, I think if we want to like grow or make it a pleasant experience to come in, I think we should do something about it. I'd consider even building some sort of tunnel or something like, you know, that we can.

Oh, and avoid a dumpster tunnel to

avoid stink. Yes. This is a really good idea. Yeah. So this would be what? The dumpster is in the tunnel or you take the tunnel underground to the

restaurant so we don't have to smell the stink. Yeah. We kind of go from

parking lot to into the restaurant around the stink. It could be kind of like when you're camping in the snow. You got to dig a little hole for all the cold air to go down into. Maybe we dig a stink hole.

Yeah.

That's great. Oh. I mean, we should try something.

It sucks the stink down. You camp right next to the dumpster, but all the stink is going down a little hole. Do you think and good air rises? I hope so. Yeah. It must. But then we

might have to ice down the dumpster to make the stink sink.

Right. So let's put the dumpster on ice to get the stink to sink into the hole. Yeah. That'd

be good. And then we'll. Okay. Yeah. We'll see. But anyway, we should probably get this episode rolling. Uh, welcome to the teacher's on folks. Used to be the first best and only podcast pertaining to issues relevant to the Hamilton high school community. But now, of course, your favorite four

teachers have started a restaurant and we are having a blast. I, of course, am Howard Levis, uh, new, new to the bartending game, getting a handle on flair. Uh,

the sort

at the same time. But you're supposed to flip the bottles around.

You're supposed to flip the bottles around

when you're serving it. Not the customers, the women.

Well, I do, like, I do a little dance around them. I like sort of, we'll, we'll do a little mambo, uh, or

a little, a little samba, you know? We were doing mambo number three the other day. Yeah.

You

mambo. So

couldn't play mustard. A little known

would forget it halfway through and you wouldn't even make it to the fifth step.

you

That is true.

Um,

but

things are. Everybody begs up for a new mambo, right?

He

begs up for sure. He begs up for a new

dad. And the customers are begging for their drinks because you give it to them.

Yeah. Well, I'll say this. If you want to gauge my performance on anything, gauge it on the amount of tips that I got at my, on my first night at the bar.

Oh, someone's confident. Okay. You are doing well. I did get a tip. So I think I'm doing

a tip. One tip. Huh? We were slammed. Yeah. No. You got one tip?

Yes. And it was a very nicely worded letter from a lady. Uh, it was awesome.

Uh, it wasn't a monetary tip. It was like

an advice. No, no, no. Somebody saw me and said, I like knew that I had potential. And so they wrote like a nice sort of three page letter, um, sort of about what I can't

We

pull tips here. I didn't get it. I didn't get any of that letter. I

didn't

get any

handed me something directly. That would have made me feel so good. Someone see me at my job and tell me that I have potential and that I could be better than this.

Yeah. Better than the place that I currently am in my life. I'm sorry. I want a piece of that. I'm sorry. Okay. Sometimes I want every now and then I'd love to do something for myself. You know, I feel like I'm the most selfless member of this group. I'm

constantly doing things. Selfless people say that all the time.

I

just sometimes would love to say it for dibs on selfless.

He said dibs. Absolutely. He said, listen, I'm one of the best guys I know. Shotgun, selfless.

That's how it works. Usually you say it first and then other people thinking about

you. Yeah, absolutely. I'm just saying it felt very nice for me.

Did she talk about us in the letter or was it only you? It was only about me. It was about us. What did it say? You are so selfish. Will

you

read the letter? I can read a little bit of it. As fast as you can right now? It's three pages, so I won't read the whole thing. Whoa. Okay. It says, to the man behind the bar, all right job, kiddo.

Okay. Love your shirt, love your pants. Okay. Not your

choice. All right job, kiddo. Love your shirt, love your pants. There's a couple people behind the bar, by the way.

This just sounds like the song list on a My Chemical Romance

album. Yeah.

Yeah.

It is encased in

plastic, by the way. This letter. Wait.

a... I like Gerard Wade just left behind one of his CDs for you. Well, every sentence does have a sort of number behind it. It's 03 colon 36,

this

Is

02 colon 22. If it's not a three -page letter, it's the liner notes of a My Chemical Romance

album. God damn. Next. Next. Next. So you've never gotten a tip. Someone just left an old CD

at the bar. It is old, by the way. The case is scrunched.

Oh, that's a scrunched

Well, you know it's old because it's a CD case. Any CD case is old at this point.

up case.

Yeah, nobody's

anymore.

buying these CDs

Brand new CDs.

Well, we did. We did. Brand

new CDs, folks. We did, yeah. We're selling them out of the back of the restaurant. We did get... Yeah, we're selling them out of the back. Brand new CDs, brand new DVDs, brand new...

We got a 1989 teacher's version in there.

We are re -recording Taylor Swift's re -recorded albums with none of the original shit. We make up our own songs. But, yeah, you are doing Goodbye the

Bop. Thank you. I felt like

was tough. It was a tough time. You know, I obviously made a few mistakes, a few egregious errors. Well, I mean, the FBI came in to check the bar. They came in to check all the bottles,

it

make sure everything was up to snuff. It used to be the alcohol beverage people, but now it's the FBI for some reason. Yes. They came in, they shone the flashlight up through all the bottles, see if there's any particles in there, bugs floating around. Yeah, they sort of sent me into the back. I didn't see any of that happen.

One of the guys pulled me aside and he was like, hey, Hillary did have a lot of emails. And I was like, I always knew it. Trump was right.

Right. I mean, not what we're here for, but thanks for the info.

You know what I mean? They did kind of just keep sort of leaking truths. I was like, bad emails or what? He's like, she just emails

a

lot back and forth. She had a lot of emails.

It's like, that wasn't the thing.

And a lot of these sort of no subject line emails, you know what I mean? Where it's just body, but even the body doesn't have much to it. Yeah. It's like, well, there's no subject line. Maybe it's a really serious topic. And the body's just like, on for noon still. I was like,

all right. On for noon for what? There's no info in here. Anyway, she emailed a

lot. Todd Padre here. Look, this lifestyle is wrecking me.

Yeah.

Up till 2 a .m. at the restaurant. You got to decompress. Of course. You have to make the menu. I have to make the menu.

Every night. You're wanting to do new menu daily. Todd has never been more back of house. Just lifestyle

wise. Yeah. Part of the restaurant lifestyle is you're up late afterwards, just chopping it up with your fellow

servers, your cooks. You did a DJ set last night.

Yeah. After close. Yeah. Which nobody said we didn't need.

We did not need. But you were like, I want people to be

having money. Yeah. DJ TP was on the ones and twos.

Yeah. It's mostly me accidentally hitting shuffle on my own.

Yeah. The flow wasn't exactly great.

Yeah. I think people were having a fine time.

We walked some people on the voiceover reel for sure.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. A lot of your personal audio files

seem to be in there. Todd Padre, ethnic voiceover reel.

I will say none of those were admissible, but not all of them were bad. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah. They weren't all bad. They're just, you're not allowed to do any of

them. Yeah. But I got to say, I just, I don't know how I'm going to keep up with this. Well,

again. You know, I appreciate bartender giving me my shift drinks after work. And you know

what happens. One drink turns into two.

Yeah. Turns into, let's see what the seagulls are up

to. Turns into.

The alarm's going off and I just got into bed. And

it's like, time to make the donuts. Todd, I'll say this. I will say this. You did last week fire two of our employees and you have yet to even do a single interview to replace anybody. And a lot

of people out there would probably.

What's that?

No

ovens or stoves or anything. You're supposed to be having interviews back there. But all I'm seeing is a tattoo artist. You're getting inked instead.

Yeah. I'm just living that kitchen lifestyle, man. It's almost like prison back there. And there's a camaraderie to getting inked. I got this pot roast on my right arm.

It does look badass.

It does say mom on it. It looks really

cool. Very cool. Well, it looks like a pot roast, but it is what my mom looked like when they lowered her down. Right. Because obviously. When you forewent the embalming, you were like, I'm not paying for that. I'm not doing the embalming. I have a slow cooker.

Why embalm when you can brine?

Yeah. Right. I threw my mom in with it. It's a great recipe if you lose a loved one. Can of Dr. Pepper. Onion. Two quarts of chicken stock.

Throw her in there eight hours on slow. Mom. Of course, mom.

Don't forget mom. De -bond, de -skinned.

The main ingredient, of course. But yeah, that made for a lovely service and a delicious luau. Thank you. Thank you.

Which again, I don't know if you should be throwing luau. It's another thing that maybe we should.

Oh yeah.

We got

emails. We got

letters. We got everything. We got everything under the sun from people who are mad at it. Yeah. Absolutely. Well, I will say it is nice to see you attack a persona. A new persona,

I would say. Yeah. Because I really feel, and I didn't ever want to say this to your face, but you seemed a little stuck in the bad acting thing.

You seemed

a little avoidant of the truth that you were never going to be an actor,

never going to be a director. Your writing had been panned universally. It's just nice to see you in a new creative endeavor where you're really succeeding. by getting tattoos. Yeah.

I disagree. I just disagree with the premise fully.

But you have to look at the reality of life here, Todd. I mean, in a lot of ways, you are run down. Obviously, we can all see it. We all see that. But. In a lot of

ways. Yeah. In a lot of

ways,

you're very run

down. Physically by a car.

Yeah. Physically, mentally, emotionally, you're run down.

By a pack of wolves. But I'll say this. When those doors are open.

Steamroller. You got hit by that

steamroller. You've been run down and flattened. Flattened out. True,

false. True. Sorry.

True, false. True.

True, false. True.

That's a great new rhetorical device. Yes. But I think. Let's see. Is that true or false? It's

true. Makes you seem really smart. Hmm. That could be true or false. It is true. Sorry, Howie.

Go ahead. I was just going to say. It does

feel like. All right, Howie. Howie boy. Agree,

Agree Howie. This is Howie Do It. Eek, eek, eek, eek, eek, eek.

Go for it, Howie.

Howie.

I was going to say. Shoot. You're run.

You're run down. But I do think in a certain sense, it's nice to see you have something to throw yourself into that, like, isn't demoralizing in the way that your plays in the past have been. It feels like you're actually making progress. Like, you're actually. I would say this. Whereas most of the time I was, like, scared of what you were doing for you mentally. I'm kind of seeing this as, like, maybe a path

for

I think

we called the wrong Michelin. I think that's all it is. I just think that's all it is. James Beard came in here and said, yep, there's a full

beard in this food. Again, I think we called the wrong James Beard, but yes.

We're on a

Zagat's list, right?

Zagat? How

do you pronounce it? Well, unfortunately, I thought Zagat's was rating it. It was Sagat's list. Oh, no. We've been roasted.

We've

been roasted by Bob Zagat.

read it and you go, is Ebert alive? And you go, oh, no, this is just somebody

you

Sagat. Yes. Wow. I didn't realize

that. Rest in peace. Rest in peace. It could be good publicity for us, so I'm not hating it. You know what I mean? Yeah. Negativity is the new positivity. Man, at Sagat's funeral, they were like, Todd bumps his head all the time. He never dies. Sagat bumped his head once and we lost the wrong guy who bumped his head.

Right. That must have been tough

for you. It was

tough for me

to hear. You were name -checked a lot. I get name -checked a

lot

at a lot

of funerals. We wish it

was Todd. Well, everybody, like in a word show, had pulled out the pre -written eulogy. I don't think it's healthy for everybody at every funeral to go, we wish this was Todd Padre in this

how I'm processing it. And usually everybody in the audience nods until they have a neck brace on, and then the funeral continues on. Yeah, now they do training for discussions about wishing I was dead

cast. I wonder

when I

You have to nod from the hip and use your leg. Well, and these neck doctors, these funeral -chasing neck doctors, they're at all these funerals passing out neck braces because they know people are

agreeing for them. All the billboards now that are up, that like, you nod, we hot rod over to you, or whatever

the ride is. These are badass doctors. These

are

badass doctors. Oh, those fucking

Model T's with the engine showing. These are not real doctors. They're in it for the lifestyle. Fire's out 20 feet off the side. They's hot rod. You nod, we

hot

rod. Tons of hair. Tons of hair below the ear. Nothing up top.

They look

like

Just wearing

They look like a T -shirt.

They look like a T -shirt. They look just like a badass T -shirt. I'll tell you everything. You look like a T -shirt. New character. I'm back into acting. I'm awake. I like that character. Wow, that was

good. Todd Padra for

Lorne Michaels.

Okay, will he return?

What did they say? No? They just said no?

It says fuck off. Oh, okay. Will he

return? I think it was probably somebody doing a character though. So they said fuck off and you said will he return?

They hung up, yeah.

Okay, well hey, at least you're trying. You're asking the right questions.

Man,

I am tired. What do you do with this stuff? What do you do? I'm used to the theater life, obviously, up till 2 a .m. doing a play. But we sleep in in the morning in theaters. You know, you get Mondays off, which is kind of

what restaurants like here.

We do have to be up in the morning, going to the farmer's markets, talking to other chefs, buying new pots and pans and stuff like that. It's a

24 -7 go, go, go lifestyle. We'll go ahead and say it. But I do think we can use a pan more than once. I do think

we can. You got to buy new pots and pans.

I'm not relitigating.

you mean?

do

Whoa, that's a good point.

Jesus. That's a really good point. This works. I don't like how fast things get shut down with this

true false thing. But Howard, think about this. What if we, because you know we're cooking all kinds of stuff. We're a restaurant with a big menu. What if we cook fish in a pan? You're not saying we could just

wash

out fish. You do a pan for fish, a pan for every other meat.

Yeah, we can't use the same pan for fish and oatmeal again.

Sorry, what did you

say for fish and oatmeal? Oatmeal again, yeah.

Well, also, I don't think we should have fish and oatmeal on the same

menu. I don't really even think we should be using a pan for oatmeal

at all. Okay.

Your fried oatmeal is not working. Which complaint can I even

focus

You know

what I mean?

Like a collar of a

pig. Well, peasant food wasn't always for everybody. Peasant food used to be for only the top of the top. It was

just. Yes. Yes. And so now it's just like we're giving you all peasant food. Everything here is $30 plus on the menu, but we all dress in like Dickies and Carhartts. We make it look down to earth.

When's the last time you had really, really good rice?

Not always. You haven't always had that. And that's what we're bringing back. Good rice.

Good rice.

Good rice. Good rice. Good rice.

That's a. I've been putting together a rice montage like in movies of me trying different races. And it's to that song.

It's really good. It's really good. Hi, Bill Cravey here.

Mondeby rice.

It's

good

a

Bill Cravey here. One of the waiters. Well, the one. Well, the main waiter. Yeah. And I am really, really enjoying the life out there.

It feels like you get to swim out into the sea of customers. And you really get to spend. You know, you're getting to talk to a lot of people every day. I'm really getting to use my personality. And it just. I'm kind of loving it.

Now, what's your. And I know the answer to this. So it's a bit of a leading question. But I do want you to tell the

audience. What's your thought on how much the waiters performance should be a part of the meal? Like is a good waiter someone who you constantly have to nod and laugh at their jokes and be like. Oh, yeah. You're so friendly. I think you do. I don't think people are going to enjoy being at a restaurant unless there's a lot of words exchanged.

Not necessarily the order. A lot of words exchanged with a stranger that you're getting food from. I don't think it's about disappearing into the scenery of the restaurant. I think it is about being

big, bold, loud, distracting.

Well, and also I'll say you generally order an entree for yourself at every table, right? I do.

They say, what do you like? And I'm like, well, it's actually this. And I'm eating it right now.

Well, we don't want people to come in and have to eat alone. We want them to have company.

Well, yeah. You go to dinner with your little hubby, your little wifey. Yeah. But you could be really tired of them. Sometimes you need to make a little space for the third. Yeah. I'm like, scoot over.

Yeah. They're like, table for four. And I'm like, right this way for five. Well, and you've got so good at that that you bring your little booster seat to every table and just hook it up right to the end of

the table. That little brown

plastic seat that's dirty. It's got mashed potatoes on it. Typically, it's for babies.

It attaches right to the end of the table. It's got a

little nylon seat belt on it. That thing's strapped me

at all times. Our bussers have to clean up specifically after you,

after every meal. It's like a huge, rice everywhere, crayon all over the table. Yeah. I mean, you can see it's clearly me because my body shape is left and everything

around is mashed potatoes, crumbs,

full beans. But Sam, we already kind of checked in with you with the stink. The stink's been the big thing for the week for

you, huh? The stink's been the big thing. I've really been trying to work on it. And I think it's one of those things in life you might have to just accept. You know,

been doing the peroxide with the bleach. I've been doing the freaking all of it. I've just been

I've

doing everything. I've been doing baking soda and vinegar. I've been doing just dirt. Like when you're camping and you clean your pots with just dirt. Dirt. Yeah.

You know? And I've tried to stop, drop, and roll. Didn't work. Just made my clothes stink. You had to go home and shower.

Right. You know?

So

that. Well, you tried if the glove don't fit, you must acquit. Yeah. Oh, my God. Bought a bunch of tiny

clubs and you were like, no, I'm still guilty of stink.

Yeah. Yeah. I tried.

You gave me the Heimlich? I gave it the Heimlich.

I tried cross multiplication. I

tried just anything that I could think of. Literally anything on earth that's a thing. Literally anything.

You tried righty -tighty, lefty

-loose.

I tried righty -tighty, lefty -loose.

You tried to cut for time.

I tried.

I tried to cut it for time. Anything that is a thing,

you tried it. Yeah. I know. Infinite. An infinite amount of options. I'm hearing it now and I'm going, okay, don't just try catchphrases. At least use them for cleaning.

You know what I mean? Right. Once it's on, then it's gone. Oxi -Clean. Haven't tried that yet. Well, that would be

interesting.

Have we tried

calling the city and not canceling the garbage pickup because it's too expensive? Have we tried that? I just don't know if that's a thing, you know?

Yeah. Right. They do typically come once a week, dump the dumpster.

Yeah. If you pay them, but we are really, we're in. I also, yeah. I saw there's an upgrade package that you can also get your plumbing connected to city sewer for a

higher premium. They do want you on the grid. Yeah. Which feels like a rapid. I am not going to be on the plumbing

grid. Yeah, we can't be on the plumbing grid. Are you kidding me? I don't

want people catching us on the plumbing grid. You know they can find out what goes in by what comes out.

You know they can look in your doo -doo and know what you're up to. These big companies, it's crazy.

give them our location

We

by shitting into a pipe and then our shit goes

right to them. It's insane. And all they have to do is track it back and there's your asshole. And they find you. I can't believe we do it. Can you believe that we all just do that in American society?

Apple. Not me. Back off is what I say with my phone. Yeah. But I'm like, hey, Kohler, you don't need to know my toilet story. Do you think.

Hey,

Every time you poop, it uploads to a story. Every time. Every time.

It's just like social media. I can't. And we're not paranoid.

No. We're not paranoid. We're just not shitting into a pipe that goes straight to the man.

Straight to him? What are we,

nuts? I can't believe anybody who's on the plumbing grid is insane.

Well, that's. Yeah. And it's something we haven't really discussed because I think we just assumed everybody knew this about us. Yeah. I mean, after Snowden?

Yeah.

After Snowden, you're going to stay on

the plumbing grid? And that's everything at this restaurant. We kind of just assumed people knew it. I don't think we talked about this as one of the selling points of the restaurant is how off the grid we are.

Oh, fully. No one will know you came here. We've

been having a lot of,

I'll say characters and suspects coming in here.

And staying for a long time. Oh, yeah. Yeah. A lot of interesting people. It is a, yeah.

It is a place where you can dry out. You can. Yes. You can do. We got you.

You're

untraceable here. Right. When you walk in, right on the wall to the right, there's a bunch of masks hanging on nails. Yeah.

You grab a mask. They fit perfectly to your face all the way

back around

the top. They're not some of these cheap masks that only go to the hairline.

Yes. They go, they go across the top and to the

back. All across the top, man.

And yeah, we, you can,

we just installed, you can take a piss here and never be traced. It's a PPN and we're on a PPN network. We're on a PPN. People will be, people, you piss, you know, here in America and people, the government will be like, oh, this piss looks like it came in from Argentina. Yeah. Now that's safety.

That's safety.

Yes. We're very, we're, we want to make sure people feel comfortable.

Yeah. And cause that's when you get the big client. Oh yeah. We got some whales in here.

Frazier, Brendan.

Well,

breaking news. Mr. F. We should call him Mr. F.

we're in

Mr. F

coming in in full costume.

Yeah. We, we, we, we won't out everybody that's come in because we are off the grid, but Mr.! F. F. F. F.

F.! And wheezing the

juice works for both characters. Yeah. The whale wheezes the juice as much as it's seen. Oh man, wheezes the juice. I mean, read, read Sam's review of the movie. Wheezing the juice part two, you

called it. Yeah. Well, I mean, that's what I took from the film.

Yeah. That's what I

took from the film. I will say this about Mr. F.

who are we talking

about we love you we're moved by you your performances are great

everything makes you cry

ordering not ordering machos you're on the verge of tears a little weepy see

you have so much to process

beautiful soul

uh you're a beautiful soul but sometimes it's just nachos mr f todd we know this about you you really can't stand to see a man get emotional yeah we know who else you've had a

problem with weeping

we don't need to

bring you really

have a problem with yourself crying in any play where you're supposed to well yeah that's i could never believe that my male character would cry in a

like what what am i playing

right

you know how like vin diesel and uh uh dwayne uh dwayne um

johnson uh reed uh

johnson you're right

the rock johnson um you know how neither of them want to lose in a fight in there right yeah yeah fight because it's unmanly to lose in a fight it's totally also never seen him cry in a movie no because they are men

wow that's a really right

we've got a lot of illuminati

here they are here coming in in their masks skull and bones um

but

i think what do you guys think

uh because we're talking about the restaurant a

lot wait sorry

thought you thought that was a real guy i thought some of the street came in the other day was that not oh that wasn't sess

came in yeah this was here okay

oh sess gets back booth when sess comes in okay because i thought i saw gonzo i thought i saw big bird thought i saw snuff

is gonzo sess or mup

i'm i thought they're all kind of the

same mup and sess are are same are

they the same world some mup live on

sess yes is that true i think all of sess is mup but all of mup is not

sess all of mup live on hand of hens

is mup and sess hens mup and sess

are both hens who's property of hens property of hens who's frog frog is mup frog is clearly mup has bird been on says frog has never been on set but has bird been on mup bird no bird has not been on mup

i think mup and sess might have crossed over and follow that bird oh uh

now what about loon

loon well loon is worn yes

loon is worn yeah which is completely unrelated to mup and sess it

does is there mup to sess is there a loon to

if we're doing sat mup to sess loon to

uh heathcliff mup is to sess

as loon is to heathcliff

true or false true

true

god god is getting smart every

next

time did you guys take the sat's this week we had to do that

we had

to do that that was tough

especially with such a hot proctor this is such a tough time of

year every

year up front with a

pencil in its beak we were a

va va vooom and la la loo wow and you know what i don't i don't know about you guys but what's your favorite part of the seagull i love

big

chest damn did i beat you do it no i gotta say i knew that was yours

okay i am a chest man he's always

been a little red spot on beak

little red

spot on

the beak this man had the most you are you're

noticing like a little small thing

i know i guess i like dimple

when now i feel bad because i just said obviously the most sexual part of the bird the big

no it's the number one obvious

it's the number one

obvious it's good to admit who you are because if you if you tamp that stuff down it's going to come out another way so

it's

in the wrong way

because they've been repressing

right they're they're they're being like i love beak i love feather it's like come on sit up it get the chest section we're all over here

come on man beating our chest

whoa whoa

whoa i just respect falcon's voice yeah right yeah right you're right you're right i watch falcon for the articles

shut up it's embarrassing i can't control it i'm a talon guy um i'm on wiki talons embarrassing

no i'm on wiki talons all day hunched over the hunched over is a little

embarrassing yeah you

don't have to say that okay

that's fine again everybody is into everything or something like that

yeah that's the way i get around my weird proclivities oh yeah

yeah but did y 'all make good on the sats

um i uh how did you make i didn't want to tell you guys this but uh

how did

you make i

got a zero

five i spelled my name okay let's let's all say what we made on the sat on three he made a

zero one two three zero

47 todd mr

smart mr

smart

47 yeah you're missing i don't want

to brag i don't like to talk about

this stuff and

guys that's out of 2400 don't

forget they've raised right they've raised it yeah

40 i wrote a pretty long essay i thought i would at least get one point

yeah right but it was just a complaint about how the test was hard and

long yeah i was like

this shit's too hard uh that's my thesis i will go into many details all the questions are hard i don't know any of them uh we

have the internet now i don't need to know any

of this yeah

why am i taking this thing unfortunately that you wrote that into the multiple choice portion and you wrote in a bunch of choices on the written

portion yes and i think i did obviously you're supposed to use a number pencil i took a number two pencil

and it sliced right into the toilet no splash you plugged your nose and it sliced it it went right into the toilet so well you didn't even have to flush you shot so hard down well because you did it off a seven meter platform you went off i was up on a centimeter plat i said seven meter but

centimeter is better you were all

up on a centimeter

i couldn't believe you

got all the way up there i was so scared

i

know and you were so professional you were up there with your toes right on the edge right on the edge hanging way off heels hanging

off in a speedo i took a number two pencil straight to china

uh well my my my test experience wasn't at all as interesting as that i

just i i spilled my juice

you spilled your god when the kid

spills his juice in class and i i i'm sure we've talked about this but howard walks around with a huge stanley of juice it's a

it's a 64 ounce stanley does fit in your cup holder

yeah

well

juice every day same juice

every day i do because the doctor said i'm uh on the line but i'm on the line i might get scurvy if i don't go

right a little heavier on the vitamin c so i

so you

and your other

doctor said you're right on the edge of diabetes so you're kind of going back and forth i'm paying them against each

other yeah i i'd love to see a man with a little scurvy beaties you're definitely yeah i'll say don't get rid of everything because you're

definitely curvy you don't want to lose the curves you just want to lose the scurvy yes yes i'll lose this uh but no i spilled my juice all over my test and had to throw it away

um and didn't have time to complete another one at the end right that must have been a sticky mess

it was

you

know

when you used juice for a week where

you mess was your shoes like

for the rest of the day

yeah

nice things

yeah

dodo but for humans and it was like after finding out someone spilled a juice and couldn't do their sats geez tropicana got this guy a whole new juice yeah

how was

that

coming up yeah and being like

excuse me

he

just gave me another juice

yeah and you for a while you're like what do you mean you're not charging me for this new juice

yeah i walked away from it

you i thought it was a scam yeah you he had to run you down that was a that was a nice one i will say i'm a little tired of these helpful tropicana people it's like hey i

was

need a new job i need a new car i don't just need a juice yeah they were like we brought you a straw with a little

going

red line

and i was like i don't need that right here at helpful tropicana we're giving you a little option for five more dollars to go with your chick -fil -a breakfast uh mcdonald's breakfast juice company

around it

uh oh shit guys we were supposed to be open 10 minutes ago what we were

what time is it

all right or the valet is set up down there uh i think everything's good to go but we're

dumpsters in place

yeah did you give the valet the dumpster skis

i did i

did we're good we're good well i'm excited about what we're trying on this episode yeah it's exciting we're gonna uh we're actually gonna lob you up bill

because you're gonna work a full shift we're gonna live bill up so people can see what it's like to be on the floor the thing is you always know who's worked in food service and who hasn't

and uh if you haven't you can listen to this and actually get a window into what the experience is like and maybe you'll empathize with people who have worked in the service

industry because if you haven't worked in the service industry no offense you don't get it

you don't like

you've been to a restaurant we've all been to a restaurant but you don't get what it's like to be on the other side

yeah true or false yeah true true exactly but yeah we're gonna we're gonna throw

a throw a lav on bill and he's gonna head out there onto the floor hopefully people aren't pissed i hope people haven't been waiting too long laves

are

little microphones that are pinned to your shirt so you can hear me walking around the restaurant going back into the kitchen getting orders

taking it all it'll be a sure for a

lavalier microphone

lavalier yeah and a lavalier is of course somebody who avoided a big volcanic eruption

that's right with a sword exactly exactly they fended off lava with a sword and they named a microphone

it's for

safety you don't have to have a big string which would of course get uh you know melted in the lava

no but yeah so stick around for that it's gonna be a really exciting i'm excited to hear it honestly because i don't ever get to see uh what goes on in one of y 'all's lives out there when the shifts

yeah we're kind of separated so this is gonna be

nice awesome well yeah we'll be right back

hello uh welcome to meadle juices is this our first time here or have do we have some return customers

first time

first time

um first time with these two

okay so you have been here before welcome back

i was here yesterday i just it felt oh i

was off yesterday so i didn't see you but welcome back

thank

you know the plates are meant to share

i heard a little bit about

meadle juices is this our first time with this is our first time with this that's good that's really

good we're um just to let you know we're not a family but okay love to share yes okay interesting i uh so you guys are friends that that share things

that's great say that

we're friends he's with us

yeah

okay awesome well listen i'm sure i'll get to know you guys a little bit more we'll find out what exactly the relationship is here

throughout the meal good real quick

yes it is good it is good this is fun i'm having a good time with you guys so yeah the plates are meant to be shared if we have three people which i'm assuming

i'm so glad we're pleasing the server

honey it's all i want

good um were you whispering to me a second ago wanting to say

something no big

deal don't worry about

it okay well um uh it is family style like i've covered i think three people of five dishes would be perfect thanks for the verbal second time uh and uh so you have five if you're really hungry i might would do six

i

six buddy

might would do

hey these two really wear me out are

okay big smiles from the other two they seem okay is that okay they just really wear me out man

you

listen

i'm just saying if

you want to leave

no no no i don't want to

i'm

because it's an appetizer but it has a lot of items could we share that the two of us the two of you sharing meatle juices feast

is meatle juices

feast for two or more i think meatle juices feast is probably for four people you know it's a great it's a

tiered would you have some of meatle juices feast with us i'd eat a little bit of

meat it's tall it's a tiered it's wedding cake style um it is thank god yes thank god yes i like that concept too uh wedding cake uh a tiered but yeah so you're gonna have some potato pockets on top

uh with a little chutney mango chutney dipping sauce in the center you're gonna have mushroom tartines

everything is so interesting i love it yes

absolutely and then on the bottom we're doing crab cakes tonight oh yeah

so it is a three

tiered three item tower

i hate to do this mushroom

tartines so there's

no

crab oh crab's

cute

honey but it is imitation crab so there's no meat in meatle juices feast um meatless

the feast

is

meatless

meatle juices feast is

meatless okay we'll do um i think we'll do three

meatless meatless

feasts

why don't

we start with drinks i will get

you know what i don't know why i said let's start with drink you want three meatle juices feast

whatever the preferred way to order is what

we'll do i did say it would feed four but you want three one for each of you

so that would feed 12

yes

yeah we could take some home

you know what bring

a

box bring

a box bring a box

with the feast okay yeah at the end of the dinner whatever's left over i'll bring you guys boxes

but why don't we start with drinks

why don't we start with drinks uh

do you guys want still or sparkling to

start kill me i'll take

still okay okay still uh still for the table kill

me

i am really worried about you i i i think are you in trouble

no i'm not i'm not in trouble just please kill me he's just being dramatic because we won't let him play his video games

okay so that's a hint into who this is you two are together and you're with them so

we're gonna get this figured out this is your son who you won't let play video games i'm sorry is the sparkling water is that on um the machine the 99 machine

uh soda stream uh soda stream no soda stream is it a vion it's pellegrino

oh we'll just take still

water okay okay so you were looking for maybe soda stream but

you want still

okay um so we'll do still for the table two stills and a dirty

and when you say dirty what do you mean by that

a dirty water you know how it's you know a dirty martini how they put olive juice in it

oh so you wanted olive i

don't no this is not for me this is for him so a dirty water is like a dirty martini where they put an olive juice but you use a puddle water

instead of onion like a little james bond

do you want dirty water

excuse me

excuse

there yes yes i'm so sorry

no we're not

no we're not listen um you're i don't want to go into this really with you but i do think it could really help um at the at the beginning when i came over to your table i said welcome to meatle juices um and you're the person you're sitting across from said hi we're co -workers and we're getting a quick meal tonight to help our relationship at work

it's unclear where we're going i showed up with the rose between my teeth um on the pickup and your teeth

are in very good shape so there wasn't much room for the stalk

and you're bleeding your gums are bleeding right the things we do for love huh brother uh but don't touch my shoulder

okay listen what do you need because i have to get these people um i think just something to loosen us up the conversation is

very work -based right now well you've already ordered four drinks and i have been told to shut you off by the bar

shut you off juices feast

yes okay another person asking from another table for meal juices feast

could you give okay i don't want me to juice feast to catch fire because that's really going to overwhelm the

kids i'll have what they're having

damn it okay oh

oh yeah

oh

oh meadle juice oh yeah wow just like that 80s movie uh meadle juice

meadle juice meadle juice no

you've got to go back in the portal go okay thank god he takes direction very respectful of direction sir i will get you another uh martini if you'll just go back to your table guys i'm going to get your three meadle juices feast started i'm going to bring still dirty water for

you i'm not cutting your head off um and i'm gonna get more meadle juices feast started i'll try to make it to every table excuse me excuse me hi um the restroom is out of uh toilet paper um so if you just wouldn't mind refilling

that i'm so sorry it's all right it's fine for me do you need some right now your pants are down at your ankles honey honey i don't know what i'm supposed to do if i haven't wiped it it would be too dirty

to dad you stood up and squeezed

them

stood up and put the cheeks together so you're fucked no matter what dad you're embarrassing me

you

honey you're screaming you've got to ask for this more quietly

you're embarrassing yourselves now

your wife's out here with

her

pants okay okay

i'm just gonna cut to the quick you guys are out of

tp both restaurants

do you guys mind if i use some of these napkins here to give them thank you for covering i will say it's peeking out of both sides of the hand just the hair

you

don't want hair napkins look at how humiliating this is for my wife and myself well if you would cover that would help sir obviously it doesn't work my wife's my hands are smaller than

my wife's and my

no cover

yours

can you

guys that's what he's saying

hey i'm really sure smaller

than

mine i feel like it's bigger we're adam and eve before god without a tp to stand on

mom dad chill out just go go to like go across the street to like cvs or something i'm so sorry for

me i'm gonna leave you i'm

leaving a review don't leave with your pants at your ankles finish your finish your feast

ah okay they walked all right guys i'll be right with your meatle juices feast okay and i'm gonna get meatle juices feast started for everyone we are running low on 13 bill bill yes yes hey uh kid i just got the order you put in a order for a dirty water yes

yeah we're uh the puddle dried up

howard

puddle dried up

yesterday i told you to refill the puddle last night

i know and i did but we've just we've said we've sold too many dirty waters listen i'm gonna dump some water

on the floor behind the bar drowning out there chill out i'm already trying to slow down meatle juices feast

i know why don't we just have enough meatle juices feast is really working it's okay i'm running the faucet it's gonna overflow the sink it's gonna go on the floor behind the bar and the little rubber mat with all the little circles in it

why not just go fill up the puddle instead of waiting for it to like make its way down the

hill because this is my proprietary recipe

man i'm gonna make a mark for myself with my own recipe on dirty water okay can you make something that's similar and i'll offer them that maybe like uh uh an old pool a dried up pool

water excuse me guys sorry hey sorry to walk straight up to the bar

it's okay

great but i saw on your menu you have a filthy tea

yes could i get a filthy tea

yes yeah yeah it's gonna take me about 55 minutes to brew it

what yeah so it's a it's a long process so basically we take uh

you have to do a creep steep yeah

well if it just if it's just the dirty water i'm willing to wait this creep

so we do we take uh just so you know this is the process we take one of the dirty rags that we use to wipe down the bar we sort of put it over a a glass and then we freeze nasty water and we put it on top and we let it melt and drip through the dirty rags so

filthy

it is

okay um has anybody seen todd he went out to get toilet paper is he back yet no i haven't i'm sorry i know you're just

a

customer i don't know i'm looking for creep tea he texted me steve

he looking

is

he texted me he said

todd texted

it's todd i'm trying to use the text thing where you talk into the thing

me

are you hearing this yes or no let me know i've got something very important to say one way or the other

todd todd todd you're right by the front door the text isn't working

i'm sending a text excuse me

todd we can hear you in the

i'm sending a text guys guys we uh needle juices feast is really taking off something about it

text

yes and nice job pushing the apps

no yeah it's not a problem uh i i just think we need to make sure we can fill the orders okay

i'll get back there right now

okay we're out of toilet paper too or did you get it people are there's so many people walking around with their pants and their

ankles

don't we have a bunch of extra wonton wrappers in the back let's just use wonton paper for now and we'll change it to toilet

paper i'll show all the wonton paper together into one big roll and i'll put it on there okay do you guys do wonton paper over the top or from under you

gotta do it doesn't matter does it matter no yes it does you gotta do over the top it's so much less convenient

hey suzy wonton paper over or under todd does not have an apple phone

todd has an orange phone

what

todd

suzy what uh this

robot is so it's not an app it's a lady he calls orange

phone comes the lady named suzy suzy is swamped okay don't call her ass

i can't believe i actually got a hold of her suzy google uh toilet paper

wonton

what are you talking about hey could you just tell me the specials i know you were dragging your feet on them but i'm trying to open up the the talking to the tables with the special uh yeah so we're doing a very nice demi glaze

on a salmon great um over a bed of jasmine rice coconut cream is that sponsored by the movie jaws

it's all sponsored the whole thing okay so it's like a me more gloss it's a me more gloss

sponsored by ashton um i guess

i don't know he's trying to get in good graces okay okay

um but anyway uh jasmine rosman rice sponsored by jaws of course the salmon sponsored by uh sad

rushdy seven rush

and uh it's all on a hateful plate sponsored by quentin tarantino

and is that our only special

that's it that's our first of five

uh i'll write the rest down and you can okay great great great great excuse me we're all in finance and we have a

uh -huh we just go go go so we're just trying to get in and out can we do a meal in like 45 minutes we're trying to catch a film

absolutely i actually have that table over there

great um it's a seven top but you will be have to have to be out by eight because i do have uh some uh

we are in a rush we will

not be here more than 44 minutes okay okay great start off with four well done steaks uh

okay for the table and let's do jaeger bombs just to get things going okay great all right so that that's nice actually okay you have

one what salads do you have

okay so you have one problematic person

yeah this is humberto

humberto

what do you get what salads do you have

well we have a cob

we have a chop what's in the cob okay so that is romaine

do you are you familiar it's a it's a

classic cop what's in it okay so it's romaine it's

boiled eggs boiled next what's the next salad okay

just skip anything that has anything boiled in it i'll save you some time okay

humberto i think

you

want the wedge you want the wedge humberto

oh actually that does sound good can i have the wedge but just one question yeah how's the lettuce prepared on that

so it is a iceberg chopped in half served open face okay but cold cold ice cold

i do not want a boiled salad

no none of it is boiled

sorry guys we'll get out of here in just a second you do need to go sit down you guys are up here at the bar the the seven top over there is open

all right it's a it's a it's a it's a wedge salad iceberg

okay

chopped

in half

open face

blue cheese a little bit of blue cheese

bacon we're just in a bit of a rush so we're trying to order from the bar and make and skip everybody else

so listen i love that it's going first because we're in a rush all right so three well -done steaks four four is that are you gonna eat two or is that from umberto that's none of your damn business okay yeah what the

fuck kind of question is that big guy what's the soup the soup god damn it umberto is pea soup oh

when we got here you said you weren't hungry yeah and also you

hate

soup you you you hate soup you said split pea i said it's pea it's not split whole peas could you whole pea

soup i know we're in a rush i know we're in a rush could you split the peas

no that

that's there the chef is not doing any

modifications i

can't eat here i can't eat here sorry excuse me speaking of whole pea soup

uh the toilets are

not flushing

i've been waiting to say something but couldn't find a

segue i just wanted to let you know

sir i don't know why your pants down you just peed but you have to pee all down you have to sir just go back to your table

can you cancel my meatle juices feast i'll go with the whole pea soup

sir the meatle juices feast was sat down on your table a long time ago

you've eaten most of it nope i'm sorry to be a hassle but i think we've waited a really long time for

our oh my god i'm so sorry you're the family

yeah

the

so just the bottom uh plate of imitation crab cakes do a mortal combat fatality on me

i'm not cutting your head off i'm not doing any sort

of my spine out

no something what's going you guys need to take this kid to the hospital i think he's suicidal if this is your child

i'm not a kid

so a child you're it's he's so a child okay well it's because he's so addicted to his goddamn game

are you addicted to your goddamn game

he's always

on his game

there's nothing wrong with being addicted to a goddamn game

he plays off -brand video games and is obsessed with them

he was

playing green dead redemption the other day green so it's is like you get all green lights you just go

faster in this game yeah versus red yeah and i play pork night okay

that's where you

build a bunch of pigs

okay i play super mario cousins

super mario cousins

so they don't have as good of a relationship but they're still plumbers together yeah sonic the hedge pig

it's okay pig again it's the same company

company you play angry pigs yes play angry pigs

okay

they just flip and in that the pigs are the good guys and the birds are the bad guys none of those

are as evil none of these are like would make you be suicidal okay so something else is going on hi

excuse me my date you guys have got to stop walking up to me wait then you

should walk

up to

she's gone

i just wanted to pop my head back in one time to say i'm gone we're not

she's gone and your and your gums are absolutely fucked you keep putting roses in your teeth

well it's the best way to woo a woman is a little gentlemanly behavior

what do you want sir

uh well my date had to rush out probably to the bedroom so i'd like to get to my bedroom if that's where

she you want to go to your separate

if that's where she's at yeah so i just want to close out quickly uh and if there's any way she didn't leave her credit card or anything that you could still split the