Chilean Neck Drop

All right, guys, I got our dry cleaning. Everybody's shirts are pressed. Oh, nice. Oh, are these the new ones? Yep.

Wow. These are

really pressed. Really nice. They

got the little sticks in the collars. Yeah. You know what I'm talking about? Now, I'll say, and maybe it's just me because I'm scared of everything, but the Meadlejuice design is pretty grotesque. You call this

grotesque? Like, when

you say grotesque, what is grotesque about it? I don't think I've ever seen a drawing that feels this wet. A

drawing

that

feels this wet? It feels like, I think, you might walk up to somebody's table tonight when you're serving, and they might think that the logo's going to slosh off onto them. And what is this made out of? Is it screen printed?

What is it? It is new technology. Dry cleaning technology where the text jumps off of the page. You guys know 3D, 4D, 4K. High quality is what you're

saying. High quality.

High

quality. There's a 1080p. 480p. Dolby Digital. 480i. 480i.

480p. That's about how many times I'm going in the night. Can I just sleep through

a night without peeing my sheets? Which, Todd, by the way. I pulled the toilet closer to the bed.

Thank God. I pulled it. Because mine can fly. Thank God you've been using that little Fisher Price for a while anyway.

Oh, yeah. I got all my cord. My cord manager for my toilet

is really unbelievable. I can pull it all over the house. It's on casters. It's so efficient.

I love a house. I took it to the grocery store the other day. You guys saw me?

Yeah, we smelled

it. Use the other scent.

You

heard it smelled. Oh, no. It's actually very clean around here. Yeah. Yes, because I used my toilet on wheels. You guys are so mad at me for taking leaks near the rice in the Vons while I'm here

on my toilet, okay? You know what? That's awesome. Finally, you stick it to the people who are unnecessarily critical.

Well,

can't I just live? Let me pee by rice. Well, I hate to do this, but I was on the way to the grocery store in the toilet the other day, and I stopped at a red light next to Toretto. Are you sorry?

Are you trying to go to the toilet? Next to Toretto. I'm next to Toretto. Oh, my God. He rolls down the window. He gives me the look.

Now I'm involved in a drag

race in the world. You're running your life a quarter mile at a time? Running my life a quarter mile at a time. Fast and full of piss.

Listen, they want the spinoff at Sony. They want Fast and Full of

Piss. And I'll just say, if they think that title is too grotesque, Fast and Fisher -Price. Something

like that. Listen, I will do any kind of product placement they want.

Yeah. Fisher -Price, Bemis. Kohler. Kohler. Butthead.

Bemis and Butthead. Now, that is a

funny branded

toilet. That is a Mike

Judge

branded toilet. It's a hilarious toilet.

It's really good. But no, I like that you've solved a problem for yourself, Bill. Because I think we have always had that philosophy that if the world ain't going to solve the problem for you, figure the solution

out for yourself. And that is kind of what I think the mission statement of this restaurant was.

We didn't find a... There wasn't a restaurant that was the kind of restaurant that we wanted to eat at. So

we made that fucking restaurant. Nobody wears shirts this crispy.

No, but no uniform.

Twice fried. Extra starch. Extra starch. You

got to break it

in.

You got to... Literally. It's salvaged. Yeah. It's salvaged now. We got salvaged shirts.

We

have canvas. And you have to break them in because they are completely flat. They're completely rigid. So when you put it on, it shatters like glass. But still stays together. Yes.

But yeah,

every little atomic piece of it needs to shatter and break apart because they're so well starched. Yeah. Halfway through tonight's shift, a skyscraper crew of window washers is coming in to

really get us to do this up. Which we should say, this is a big night. Tonight's not just any other night, folks. We've been teasing it forever. However, we've had a few weeks to get our sea legs, as you call it. But tonight is the

grand opening. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

opening.

Heart

taking whistling lessons, too? Yeah, I'm trying.

Are y

'all

trying.

I'm

I'm trying. That's where they start you. They start you on voice.

Oh, my God. They got me. They got me coming out of the... Man, with a beautiful whistle down there at the playground. I kept...

Well, I'm always so jealous of them. Yeah, I'm always so jealous of

their whistle around the playground. Everybody runs right over.

Oh, my God. Hey, Maximus, come over here. And it's like that guy's son ran right on over.

Oh, my God. Red Rover. When you can whistle, you can

command. His son was right over. His son was right over. His son was right over. He

right

on over. You're right, Sam. You can tell anyone what to do, and you can whistle.

It's unbelievable.

Yeah,

there's a certain sense of

authority. Oh, you don't need to work out.

You don't need to have big muscles.

No. You don't need to learn jujitsu.

Put two fingies. Yeah. Hey. What do you need? I know. Would you

go grab that paper from me over there? Hey, hey. Strap.

Strap. Go grab that paper over there. Now, you're in level three.

You're getting really good. That was unbelievable. Yeah. That's almost

a whistle. Because they're teaching you the

low -end whistle. Yeah, one of the levels three is so okay. You're at level college 303.

Wow. Yeah. Yeah.

Because most whistles sound high -pitched. They sound sharp. Yours sounds like a scream. Shut up. I love Sensei Whistler, and I want my braided belt in whistle. I

don't know. And I want my braid.

Oh.

And

I want my braid. Which, God,

please let me rise to the level of him where the braid and the belt are the same

people. God, Sensei Whistle

will,

ah,

ah. When you have a braided belt ponytail, you are the greatest whistler in town.

You've all seen them

around. There's only two people in town whose

hair is braided,

and then it goes all the way down

around their waist, and it's belted. And it can go bigger and smaller if you've had a big Thanksgiving meal,

and you need to loosen it up. It's braided. It doesn't

make - Well, I love when he's got his braid open because he's eating too

much, and he's just chilling. Oh, yeah.

Problem is, I can't - I don't think I can - Eat up.

Yeah.

I love hearing you guys do this because, as you guys know, I have had a bit of a renaissance the last few - the last week, really, becoming a little more comfortable with myself and

finding

a little bit more of my confidence

after Not Bald

Roger's seminar. Yeah. Thank you. Amazing. Amazing. Thank you guys so much. Yes. Because you sort of saw your own Sensei.

I did. Not Bald Roger, he refers to himself as more offensive words than Sensei. Right. That I'm uncomfortable saying.

Good for you. You'll get there. Yeah. Yeah. You know, I'm not - he said, soon you'll be comfortable saying slurs when I left, and I said, I don't know about that. That's how you

know you're a man.

Yeah. But it's nice - Nobody can judge you. No one can judge anything you say when you're a real man.

Yeah. Yeah. Anything you say. And it has been interesting because last week, as you guys know, business at the bar has been booming because, not to toot my own horn, but - Oh, yeah.

Whoa.

Those

for you. Thank you so much. Yeah. Fingerhorn is paying off for me. Somebody saw Sensei Fingerhorn.

Do they all study at the same place? Yeah. I don't know, but there was an influx of Senseis in the town,

and most of them whistle, and they seem to have split off at some point. Fingerhorn, Whistler, Mouth Loud. There's so many

-

Yes.

genius.

They all have different

philosophies. It's funny because

the news is saying his class is just about road rage, but

I

think there's way more to it. Right. But Sensei Mouth Loud said that the first thing you have to get over when you go through an art form like this is people who don't understand

and want to judge you. Right. Exactly. Right. Now, Sensei Car Crash, his is about road rage. His is definitely about

road rage. Openly. Yes.

Yeah. But no, things are - And he's kind of the opposite of well -studied.

Because he crashes.

Well, he's got experience. He's definitely

got experience. Sam, I got to say, you've always been my Sensei Car Crash. Yeah. Yeah. And I appreciate that. It's tough, though. I don't want to say I

was offended or like he's moving in on my thing because I was never trying to sell my talents. You've given it up in a certain sense, too. You haven't driven

in a while. I don't need to teach people

-

Well, it's in your bones, crashing cars. Exactly. You

don't like get a

discipline. Yeah. Maybe you're born with it. Maybe - Well, I was teaching people it for a while,

but they were in neck injuries. I'm like, why am I wasting

all my time sharing what I can do to other people rather than doing it myself? So I've been getting back into crashing cars. Good for you. I did not know that. Yeah.

Because you had - I felt like you had lost yourself and I

was like - I lost my panache. I was teaching, but not bad. Yeah, your bumper on your car was barely even falling off. I was like, I don't think he's crashing a long time.

I know. But I did

hear something on the outskirts of town the other day and a crazy sound. Was that you? That was me

and a few others. Right.

Rear end? You rear end? No. I rear ended two buses. It looked like double bus. Yes, they were stopped in traffic side by side and I ran

right into the - You tried to do like a motorcycle to

go between them. I tried to lane split.

Yeah.

I tried to lane split in my Hummer. And it

didn't work. Widest car on the road. Thank you. Not enough people know that.

Thank you. You have a stretch Hummer that's stretched width wise, right? Thank you. Nobody is realizing my Hummer. Four lanes

wide,

right? Yes.

Five now. Because - Why are people not - I

have no idea. I want to go to prom and stretch width,

not stretch length. Yes. So what

if it can't make turns? So what? It's ridiculous.

It's real. Yeah.

Why are we pretending it isn't real? It's

real, folks. Width, Hummer is real. It's real. Stretch width is

real. The only reason

you're not doing six lanes is because you don't want to have a carpooler in the car with you once you're in that hove

lane. Exactly. Right. Exactly.

And as Weird Al said, I take up seven lanes because I'm fat. I'm fat.

We ever heard Weird Al?

Oh, yeah. We haven't talked about Weird Al on the pod, but I love him. I love him, too. I actually, I love Weird Al, but I'm like, I've got a weird algorithm.

You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. You do have a weird algorithm. Keep going.

I am not sure I do know

you mean. I'm

glad Sam does, but I don't know yet.

Sam knows. We don't have to keep going with it. Sam knows. Sam said yes, and

that's it. I don't know if it's an algorithm so much as you turn on your computer and you check your email.

My algorithm is so weird. I'm emailing people the weirdest shit in the middle of the night on Ambien. I'm looking at the weirdest websites. I am

signing up for the worst shit you could possibly sign up for. I have actually been having a really nice email chain back and forth with a parentheses quote dollar sign at sign dot dot dot

exclamation sign dash

Ray -Bans.

Oh, yeah. That's my that's my Viagra guy. Yeah. And you

always get Viagra from a guy wearing Ray -Bans. Yeah. Because, you know, it works for him because he's got those cool sunglasses. Absolutely. Yeah. Full.

You can't get laid without Ray -Bans and you can't get Ray -Bans without ED medication.

Exactly.

Oh, we've all been to Sunglass Hut lately.

Very good. And you can tell when we leave. You can tell when we leave. I've been pitching a Sunglass tent in there.

Sunglass Hut has become the most disrespectful place in America

because

it's just men walking around at full flat.

It's full of guys who finally got their Viagra.

A little something in the low

Yeah.

Yeah.

And they roll into the Sunglass Hut pinch and tent.

A little something in the low. They say,

is this Sunglass Hut or hun ass fuck? What?

That was a lot of people are saying that. I'm hearing them say that because I'm in the Seas Canyon next door. It was in the Munch, Munch, Munch. Munch. Oh, my

God.

We've been getting the

samples. The samples are out at Seas. Oh, and we'll be on the Munch.

They're gone. Back to the restaurant. Yeah. Now, you have to go to the mall every once

in a while. We know this. We know this. We do this. We see this.

We see this. We know this.

We be this.

Be this.

Be

Butthead.

this

Now, Howard, I'm glad that the bar is popping off.

I'm

so happy that you're so confident because I feel like your confidence has inspired

me. Yeah. You guys may notice, but my butt's a little more Brazilian and a little higher now. Oh, my God. You

are sitting up a little taller.

That's my confidence.

Butt lift for opening day from you. I think that was a great idea. Thank you. Can I ask, and this is not meant to be offensive because you did get some extra mass back there, and I can tell the difference. Is lift supposed to mean what they did? Right.

Were they going for that? Was that what you wanted? My

feeling is your butt has been lifted so high that it's up around L7, L8. You're saying that my butt is higher. It's not really

bigger, but it's now

around my back. I want to say it's less of a butt lift and more of a neck drop.

Todd? No, that's just how it looks. Yeah.

That's

how

it looks.

Todd, you're saying I couldn't

afford a Brazilian butt lift, so I got a Chilean neck

drop? Yes.

Well, they've

the rage. Everybody's going to Chile. Everybody's going to Chile to make it look like they have a huge butt. They come back a few inches shorter. Chilean neck drop. You

bought this. Which is going to be great, Todd, because we did decide to open up the kitchen. It's

no longer a closed kitchen. I knew

to, and

had to look my best for the

we were going

customers. Yeah. I think it's going to be awesome.

Damn, let me pinch that rum. Shoulder. I just think it's going to be a great thing for the grand opening for people to sort of get a peek into

the kitchen, because I love that at restaurants when you can see the kitchen.

I

just love

it. The best part is when everyone's watching me, I am my natural self in there. I'm in the zone. There's nothing about me that's like, oh, people are watching. I need to perform this or

zhuzh this. Because I am doing it the same way I would always do it. Wouldn't you agree? I do agree. I do agree as far as your persona, your performance. It is tough for you to lead with the word natural after some of the work you've had done.

It's just tough. You know what I mean? It's like, don't say natural so forwardly. You don't have to call attention to it at all. I think it's just like with any plastic surgery. If you try to hide it,

it's a little

different. If you're just kind of like, yeah, I like this. I like how it looks. I wanted to do this. I own it.

I like it. Because hiding it works. I

mean,

The other thing that I think is very interesting about what we've done with the kitchen is we've sort of put that little plaque on the front that sort of has little pictures of everybody who works in

there with their name and their job and a little description. It kind of is like a zoo exhibit, which made sense for what we used to call the restaurant.

Yeah,

Zoodles.

Zoodles. I think we called it Zoodles.

No, I'm sorry. I was just thinking of the noodles we serve, the zebra noodles. Yes.

Which

are very good. But I think it's very cool. Because I'm thinking from a customer perspective, we're kind of giving them, and I hate to use this word,

a little bit of a show with the kitchen.

I think that's appropriate. Well, yeah.

It's always been weird when you can't see everything in the kitchen and everything that everyone's doing back there from the dining area.

Yeah.

And we've got great cedar logs that are just filling the restaurant with a nice,

organic, thick smoke smell. Mm -hmm.

And visage. I mean, you can't really see that well through the smoke.

No. Well, yeah. Unfortunately, there was a heavy rain on the cedar logs, so

we're burning wet, which creates a little more smoke in the restaurant, but also gives the vibe like you are in a forest fire. Vibe. And it is a show, and I am glad you used that word, Howard, and I'm going to really consider that

now that I'm in the kitchen. That's not what I meant. Kind of as

part of the show. That's not what I meant. I didn't mean do a whole thing.

I just meant - Oh, my God. I mean, if people are going to be watching the show, I need new eyes. I need new eyes. Todd. Todd. Do not go get a Bolivian eye lift. Please.

Don't.

Please. That's just

- All that does is keep your eyelids wide open and your eyes get really dry. You all agree I blink too much. Everybody says it about me all the time.

Do they? Can they slow down your blinking?

Oh, they wide open your blinking. Yeah.

Really? And then you

never blink, and then ladies can see my eyeballs whenever I want. How much of them?

What do you mean? All of them? The whole ball?

I don't think that's good. Oh,

that's the Bolivian eye

lift

is - They take your eyeballs out of the sockets. You want to see the whole ball.

I'm

just going to call.

You've got to go somewhere else to

get things done the way you want them

to.

So they open up the cavity, and they kind of stick the eyeball up on a little pedestal. Yes. Yes. And it makes you look like a flounder.

Have you seen Guinness, the TV show where the lady sticks her eyeballs out really fast? The glass shoots maybe milk out.

It's that.

a different person, but the

It's

Yeah.

same thing. It's a

different person, but it's the

same thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're both crazy. I mean, you know, and so I just, it's opening night, you know? And take it from

somebody who has opened a million plays and closed them the same night sometimes in the

middle. A million plays. I've opened a million

plays. I've

opened one million plays. One million

plays performed is what your billboard says in front of your

house, right? Yes. I've got the little McDonald's thing.

Instead of a golden arch, it's a big

frown, right?

No,

no. It's

a smile. Well, you stole that. A sander. You stole that sign and the Hamburglar came and put you behind bars. And I'm really proud of the Hamburglar for turning it

around. Oh, the Hamburglar is really law and order

now. Yeah. The Hamburglar has kind of turned into a Judge Dredd type of

character. Yes. And he is ruling with impunity. Yeah. All the McDonald's characters, McDonald's, they are weird

now. We don't like them.

Oh, that weird little hairy guy?

You

know

who

Yeah. He looks kind of like one of those mops. One of those mops. Yeah, one of the fry guys.

about?

fries.

But it's his hair, right? Well, that's because you like a side of hair, crunchy hair with your burger. You think fries are gross, but you love hair? Is that right? And

I say the menu needs to change? You're going to supersize hair, right? You're the first guy? I was the first guy to supersize my hair. I did it. Yeah. Where'd you have to go to

can

My hair? Listen, it's greasy like the fries,

get that done?

It's the same thing that they do. Nobody's hair has a cook. They hang you upside down and just let your hair go in there?

If you want to do your own or

yeah. Yeah, with this factory farming now, you don't know where they're getting the hair from. They've got these hair farms. That's true. It's despicable. It's despicable.

It's ruining the global temperature. It won't stop anything I'm doing.

I'll say for opening night, you have to have a routine.

Yeah. You know what I mean? You have to have the things that center you and make you comfortable and confident.

Which is you is a lot of cigarettes. Oh, yeah. In and out of the kitchen. Chain smoking in and out of the kitchen. I'll usually call somebody close to me and make a big decision right away

with them, good or bad. It depends on the vibe. Are you doing a lot of prep? Do you feel like you have all your stuff for our most popular dishes, Meatly Juices Feast? Do you have all the prep done?

When opening night comes, the prep you've done has been done.

You know, we've been doing it all in the theater up until this point. And now, you just enjoy. You let go of the ball and you watch it roll down the hill. I am now thinking, as we're talking about it out loud, it's a little different than food. We don't have any chopped carrots,

celery. So we have all the goods, but none of it has been prepped is what you're

saying. Yeah, the chicken needs to be rolled out pretty fast for the flat chicken. What do we call them that?

What do you mean rolled out? The chicken is still in the back.

The melanese. It's still grazing out there? Yeah. Okay, I gotta go kill these chickens. What? Todd!

It's opening night, Todd. We should have hundreds of dead chickens in the back.

And we will very soon. Howard, give me the CIA string. What?

Do not go murder

the chickens with the string. You are not gonna

garrot these chickens, Todd. Okay. Opening night, and you guys want to change everything. Trust me.

This has never been part of the process, Todd. You don't need to interrogate the chickens and then choke them out.

Yes, you do. That's exactly what you need to do. Let me do my thing.

What's go -rooting? It's like the opposite

of Kobe beef. You want to stress the chicken out before you kill it. That way

it makes it spicy. Spicy. Yes. Oh, right. All of our food is super stressed. Yes. So it's spicy.

It's very spicy. How do you think they get Nashville hot chicken? Stress the

chicken out. They pull out all of its fingernails and ask it if it knows any information about the government.

Well, hey, as long as you have the kitchen handled, I'm not gonna micromanage you.

your job, and we have to trust you. If your part fails, we know who failed. We're doing a new thing where we're taking personal accountability.

That's

I will not take

group accountability, but I will own my part, and I will shun any other part. Yeah, we've been playing that Nintendo minigame Chopped

all week, getting ready, sort of, just so we got it in our bones. Yes, and a lot of people are thinking Overcooked, the game where you

actually prep food and everything. We're playing Nintendo's Chopped.

So there's a mystery basket, and there's four contestants,

and it's a low -rent TV show that we're playing. Yes, yeah, it's not Overcooked.

No, I've never even

heard of

Overcooked. I don't know what that is. People keep saying, like, are you talking about Overcooked? And we're like, no, Nintendo's Chopped. But it has been good training because a big part of our inventory is a mystery box that comes every night, and we have to cook with it. Right, Todd? I mean, that's a huge

get for us. It was really cheap. People can order from the mystery box. And, yeah, unfortunately this month it was Bomba Socks. We don't really know what the mystery box is going to be, if it's going to be food or whatever.

Right. Good texture, good texture. Wonderful texture. Just the flavor, it takes a lot. A lot of seasoning.

You need to simmer it like a meaty beef.

So right now we've got— Break it down a little

bit. Yeah, we've got tender smoked Bombas, an eight -hour smoke on

those. And I

think

in need for every meal sold.

That's right. Oh, good. Yeah, and people with cold feet will eat socks. Yeah,

so let's say you're

getting—

That's the message,

guys. Yeah. That's the message. We're doing a good thing. I have to be honest. I am nervous. I haven't felt

this

nervous in a long time.

Wow. You know, on a major stage. Yeah.

This is—I mean, this is it.

Yeah. This is our—

There are no reservations for tonight. We're full up. Fully booked. Yeah. It's pretty— It's

pretty—

Guys, this is like the eighth business we've tried. This one's going to work.

This one's going to work. Everything's coming together nicely.

Yeah.

Are there any other ways we can say it will go well to just make ourselves feel

Yes.

confidant?

We're going to knock it out of

the

park.

Confidant.

Oh, no.

I'm a little mush mouth. No,

no, no. Oh, no. Mush potatoes. I haven't started the mush

potatoes.

Don.

It's mashed, Todd. You have plenty of time. And he's making a mush tonight, he says.

What is this? Is that mashed potatoes? It's involved.

say— Go! He's treating them like he's on the Adirondack? What is this? I thought you were joking when you told me about this the other night. You're actually—you put potatoes on in a little Rubbermaid and have a husky jump

Go! I was going to

around. How long is it going to take you to get back with the potatoes?

Is the mush potatoes—are they the dogs, or are dogs dragging the mashed potatoes around town?

When the idea came to me, both were true. So it's dogs next to potatoes, and they're all taking me to the Adirondacks. I think it's supposed to be some other A word

in Alaska or something

that's

like that, but I don't know it. So I'm going to the Adirondacks. But to answer your question, Grom, Howard.

You are melting down. I thought this is—you're supposed to be the guy who's done high -pressure plays.

It happens. You panic, but the adrenaline will get you there.

Todd, Todd, calm down. Take a deep breath. Listen to me. I love you, baby. That's not— Oh,

baby. Stop it. Good job calming

down. We've got to get married. We've got to get married. No wonder they

wouldn't let you be in the Army.

Todd, stop it. Listen to me. You are so

scared.

You cannot be in the Army.

We all wanted to be in the Army. I tried to sign up. It was me and Adam Driver.

We have to do something about

Yeah.

Right. And they went, well, you both look about as weird. He's a little attractive. And then you guys both became actors

this.

to do something about it. Yeah, we both became

actors

because

we're passionate about our country. Todd, listen to me. Howard, I love you, baby. This restaurant has been soft -opened for five weeks, okay?

We've done— We have done night after night

of successful nights in soft -open. It is going to be fine. Nothing is different about tonight, Todd. Todd, look

in one place. Stop following me. You guys are hypnotizing Todd.

Todd, stop it. No, this is good. This is good. He's going to be okay. Todd, when I snap my fingers, you're a good chef.

Okay, you accidentally did state fair

hypnotism. Oh, no.

Snap your fingers again. Okay, when you snap

your fingers,

I am

not a jerk.

Slap his ass. Oh, a little higher. A little higher. Stop it. Todd, stop it. No,

don't try to slap his neck. You're slapping where his ass

used to be. Todd, you have to relax. You're

slapping

his bare pelvis.

Yes, I did get my pelvis bared.

Have him slip on the grease stain over there. What? Maybe it'll knock his head. Put him by the grease stain.

Todd, run towards me.

Okay. Whoop,

whoop.

Whoop. Okay.

He's out. Finally.

God, I prefer him in this state. Jesus, we need him for tonight. Get the salt. Get the smelling salts. Let's just talk for a second while Todd's out. This is serious.

Everything in the front of house is fantastic.

We're ready. The Lava Jusio is fired up. Everything is happening. Oh, my

God. Taffy Puller.

Leno returned in it? Leno

returned in it. Oh, good.

Taffy Puller's in the bathroom sipping out blue chews. Everything is good. We just need to get the kitchen under control.

Todd

is losing his mind like he does before every play.

Yeah.

Let's just do a great

job. All right. And look, look, we're good at this. We're

good. We have proven to ourselves for the past five weeks that it's possible. We failed every way we know how.

And we know this so well. We know his part. Yes.

We can take over his part. Yeah. If he starts to. And we will. We got his back. For example, mush potatoes. Easy. Those are just mashed potatoes. Yeah. Mushed.

Yeah.

Yes. You don't have to take them to Alaska

or the Yukon or the place that really happens. Yes.

Ass. Ass. Ass Alaska. Ass Alaska.

Yeah. No,

we're good. But we got this. We got this. Howard, the bar looks amazing. Thank you. It's crystal

clear. And listen, you've never been more masculine. You're going to be an amazing bartender. I have the hat. I have the cowboy hat behind the bar. If things get hairy, I can pop it on. And it, you know, it'll calm

everybody. Oh, you said hairy. He's waking up.

He said he's hungry. Oh.

Oh, my cabeza.

Oh, que paso?

Todd. No, it's okay. He doesn't know that much Spanish. This can't last that long.

This can't last that long. Oh, mis amigos. Que paso? Mi cabeza.

He wants a beer? Yo was walking and yo.

Okay.

He's

coming back. He's coming back. He has to stop doing this before we let people in the restaurant. What is this?

What is this? Oh, me gusta, mis amigos.

Sexually. He wants his friends

sexually?

All right. We got to get this out of his system

before we let people in the restaurant. Oh, my God. Put him on the other grease stain.

Come here, Todd. Yipe. Wait. Where did

he get a beret? Now hit him with the smelling salt. All right.

Some

saltines. Smelling

peppers. Oh, oui, oui.

Oh, God. It's okay. This one should last even

shorter. With this. The French are good. The French are good chefs. That's

true. Si vous plaît steak frites. Yes. Oh, oui, oui. Now he's peeing. Hamon.

Oui, oui, oui. Jesus. Oui, oui on your jamon. Grease, grease, grease. All right.

He's out.

He's out. Okay. That was the closest we've had to a good chef since we've opened. That was, I was ready. He was going to make

jamon. We almost had steak frites. Jamon.

Jamon le chibata. Ham

the bread. But I think we can really do this. I've really been thinking a lot.

Yeah.

Yeah. I haven't really been working on anything. I've been a little frozen for the last week. I did make the sign, which caused, it took me a while. I was at the sign printer for a long time. I just wanted grand opening in big red letters.

You know, you

see it out in front of a grocery store, wherever. I spelt it wrong. It came out as grandma opening.

Grand. And I went back because that's not right. Right.

I said,

I want grand opening. Came out in blue. Who wants a blue grand opening sign? But it

says grand opening. Well, it said grandpa opening.

Oh, no. I didn't like the blue, but I would have accepted grandpa.

So you went back and got grandpa opening in black.

Yes. And that's the best

do.

And our, our, our,

I can

Grandpa opening is up. Okay, great. And I'll tell you what, the clientele, they know what to, they know where their bread's buttered. We got 50 grandpas outside waiting. That's

good to

say. Are we sure they're grandpas or just old

am looking at, I'm looking at, we better check. I'm looking at the reservation list right now in every single one of our diners. A lot of Seymours. And they're also, they're also seniors, seniors. Seymour, senior, senior. Senior, senior. It's someone, someone senior. So that means there's a junior. Senior.

men? I

alphabetize them. We'll get Seymour A, Seymour B, Seymour, Seymour Buds. I think they're all. Seymour

Buds. That woke Todd up.

Todd's up. Oh,

you nailed it, dude, my dude.

Todd loves the movie heavyweights. Todd,

now

he's. No

one's seen more Buds than you, Uncle Tony. All right, Todd's back. Is that you, Todd?

Or is this some chiller version

of Todd? Yo, my bros.

I guess.

Yo,

my dudes. I mean, maybe this guy will do. Everything's a poke, I can tell.

Are

are not. Pokey poke.

What about that? Pokey poke. Pokey poke.

It's got to be either hokey poke or hokey pokey.

You're right. You're right. You put the ahi in. You take the doo -doo out.

You

put the wontons in. And you shake it all about. I would eat this.

I didn't know poking started with doo

-doo. I

You got to take that out. I didn't

need that.

don't

need that. Well, guys.

My man. The doors are opening soon.

Todd, are you. He is a poke chef. Damn.

I

think he has a bad head injury.

Todd, are you going to be able to run the kitchen in this state? Tonight? We have to open in five

minutes. Tonight?

No, stop.

Bill.

I'm

You guys. We open in five minutes. We are. We open in five. I need you guys to pee. I mean, I guess we can just deal with it. But, like,

please. I'm set

the

restaurant

on

fire.

We can

burn brighter. No. Then my son. We have 50

grandpas ready for the early bird at 3 p .m. And I am freaking out. I want to hang with grandpas. They don't got shit to talk

about, dude. You don't have to. You don't have to think the people are cool that you're making food for. This is your job.

You will not be talking

to any of them. Yeah.

Todd, in fact, I would hope that you don't talk to people. You stay in the kitchen. That's your zone. I'm going to go write

the specials

on my arm. And let's get this going. Great.

Great. Storm into the kitchen like my name was El Nino.

We're taking a break. We'll be right back. God, I'm sweating. I'm

sweating. That was hard work. I'll say I'm really proud of us all. It's died down.

We had, I don't know if it was good, but

we had a first shift. We had a first grand opened shift. Yeah. That rush was really something.

Yeah. I was not prepared for just how much. You had seven

tables at once. At 8 p .m. Unbelievable. Seven over seven. Seven

over seven.

Over seven tops.

And seven -year -olds.

I was hoping there'd be a lot of kids just hitting kids menu.

Mostly adults.

Yeah. You were in a bit of a vortex of sevens. I don't know what was going on with you. Why was it? It seemed kind of metaphysical.

It was intense. I was hoping to get an even table. Yeah. Something about that one.

A lot of prime. Well, you

are a prime server, so.

And I, yeah,

I'm filthy. One thing I want to talk about is after tonight, we need to maybe limit modifications on things, on orders, or even cut them out. You know, some of

the most prestigious restaurants say, this is how the chef prefers you to have it.

If you don't

want

your spicy chicken and mushed potatoes, then maybe order something else. Right.

What was the big substitution that was throwing you off tonight? Like, was there a certain one, or was it just all of the

non -expected things?

I think the Brussels sprouts was a tough one, because we kind of pre -prepped the Brussels sprouts, and they were allergic to a lot of the things we pre -prepped them with.

Right. Right. The oil, the raisins in there,

the salt and pepper.

Pistachio. The pistachio. Pistachio. Of course, there's a lot of allergens in it.

Cat dander. Cheddar cheese. Cheddar cheese. Cheddar cheese.

But it's like, if you're allergic, just don't get it, you know.

Right. I guess that is, you know, that is going to be a problem with coming to a restaurant that has such full recipes.

Yeah. I mean, like, they did ask, like, could I get the rice without snake venom?

And I was like, that makes sense to me, but Todd is pretty upset. But would you want it? Like, I don't know. Yeah, like, that's kind of like, what's different about this? Yeah.

But yeah, you know, it's just, there's got to be things that we know are easy to take out. For

example, burger, no tomato, impossible. I can't do that. I cannot take the tomato off the burger there.

But, you know, if it's like the julienned potatoes, we want those instead of julienned.

I want more. Or assangeed or more. Yeah, you're saying we can't do that or we

can't. I can do that easily. I can assange a potato instead of julienning it.

Seems so much harder than just omitting a tomato

to me. That's why I'm the chef.

I don't understand that.

Well, that's why I think we can come to an agreement of

something. But I don't know. How is it? Everything's as it is on the menu.

As is. We don't do substitutions.

You can take it off at the table if you want to.

As is, I'm sorry. As is, I'm sorry. We'll

say that about the other menu. Yeah. Everything on the menu

as is, I'm sorry.

As is, I'm sorry.

That's good. No, that's good.

I like that. That's good feedback from the kitchen. Because out front, it really, I guess I was going for what we were trying to give the customers what they wanted. And I was probably being a little over.

I was probably being a little too people -pleasing.

Right. You know what I mean? At one point, somebody wanted a foot rest next to their booth, and I went down on all fours.

Right. And that was probably not the right move because it prevented me from helping anybody else while I was being a footstool the whole night. Yeah. You can't help other people. Once you get up, you have to go wash your hands, of course.

Uh -huh. Uh -huh. And so I guess I want to apologize to you guys. I'm just now seeing it like maybe me being a footstool was kind of my way of hiding. Maybe I could have showed up to the shift a little bit better, so I apologize.

I like a little post -shift therapy. Maybe we could bring in a therapist after every shift and just talk about it.

Yeah, that seems efficient. Yeah. After every shift, we bring in

a therapist, and we have a nice hour -long chat where we all unburden ourselves.

I want to apologize for how things went down at the bar tonight.

Okay. Oh. That's a very good

first step. Yeah. It's a

big of you. I have never. This is my. You ever. You ever. The first car you ever drove was a Lamborghini. Right. Yeah, yeah. I've been there.

And so my first night as what you'd call a masculine man, I went a little too hard out there, and I really. It was a really hard open for you.

I really apologize. Well, you beat the shit out of four people.

Right.

I was going to say men, but let's just say people,

and we don't know who was who. You beat the shit out of four people. You picked some fights, and you lost, and you

lost. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sorry. You beat the shit out of them, but you got beat up for us. Right?

Well,

listen.

Again, first car you ever drove is a Lamborghini situation. I don't know.

I don't know what this

is. First car. Is this a saying? Yeah. You beat up four men.

You fought 30 people. 26 women kicked your

ass,

and you did the first shoulder shove on all of them. You

said, what? You want a piece of meat? Yeah. And they went to town on you. They were saying, I want a piece of meat. They weren't

challenging. And

then you grabbed the

junkie and said, I got a piece of meat for you right here, and they whooped your ass to and fro. This man's gross is bad for

you. Well, look, guys. There might as well have been four ropes around you.

Yeah. Look, I am sorry. It's like the first time a car I drove was a Lamborghini,

Too much power. Too much power. I mean, I

okay?

could have pictured 12 turnbuckles around you. Four ropes,

12

turnbuckles. Red. Classic. Two announcers on the side. Walk -up music.

Big,

scary, pale dude on the side yelling in support of you.

weirdest crowd you have

The

seen.

I could just see that in the bar

around me. Fireworks. Yeah. Look, I just want to

apologize. Expensive beers.

Big popcorns that are overpriced. What we're saying is it seemed like you were in a boxing ring.

Yes. I get it. Okay? And I do. I understand. But you have to think about it in the context of the whole night. Okay? Yeah.

Yes. Ding, ding, ding. I

you see where. Bikini -clad woman carrying card. This is you. Bikini -clad.

know if

don't

Bikini -clad. I just, you have to think about it in the context of the whole night.

Right.

30 people

out of

30, 34,

35. Right. So I had five pristine transactions. Everybody paid for their drinks, okay? But listen, this was just the first time that I've ever sort of felt confident in my own skin. And so any sort of perceived aggression from someone else, you know how guys get. I'm proud of

you. Thank

and years of bottled up anger and trauma

that you had to release because you were finally man enough to identify with your own anger. I

hope you got it out. And I hope there's not years left of it.

I hope there's not. Because I cannot be your friend if you're this reckless. Yeah. And

look, I don't plan to fight anyone else.

Okay? I don't have plans to fight.

Yeah. I wasn't planning to fight tonight.

Other than me when I go to my ex -wife's new boyfriend's house.

Richard, I can finally

relate to. Yeah, thank you. Yeah, maybe a

little relatability. What part are you relating to? You haven't had an ex -girlfriend. You've never been in love.

I can relate to the

anger. Well, he's been in love. Unrequited and it feels so

bad. Hey, you know what? You guys stop making fun of me, okay?

Unrequited only love my dad.

Hey, don't punch my

friends. Hey. Hey, don't punch my friends. Hey.

Ow.

Hey, tell him not to punch your friends. Hey, don't punch my friend back. Don't kick my friend. Thank

you. All right. Good intervening. Good

intervening. Listen, I'm proud of you and I'm sorry. I don't put my hand in water so I pee my pants. Nobody did that to you, Todd.

Well, I

have to go change my pants because somebody was bullying me.

Todd, what the heck is

going on? Somebody bullied me in my sleep, all right? I put my hand

in water. You were asleep right then?

I guess so. I peed my pants.

I didn't just do it awake. Just run to the bathroom. Just run to the bathroom real quick.

fully gone. I hear

I mean, you've already

I'm going to walk gingerly to the

bathroom. Well, we know what happened in the bathroom. Holding both front and back.

It's hard when you shit your high back.

I'll tell you what, guys. I'm proud of us for getting through the night, and I'm a little bit worried about every subsequent night after this. I'm proud that it's over, and I'm scared for the next one.

I mean, we've got an equally packed night tomorrow night. Totally.

So we're going to have

to learn this. And tomorrow is the

God.

The foodies are going to come,

and they're

going to be hungry,

and they're going to

want a nice

Instagrammable meal.

They're going to leave reviews. I don't know if you guys can hear me from through the bathroom door here.

It's the Rudy foodies. They're coming. They're like a gang from the

50s. They are rude. They got their collars up.

They might as well be in from Greece.

They might as well be from Greece. And they give

you...

They might as well be from Greece. When you read their reviews, you don't want them to tell you more, tell you more.

Yes. Because it's huge. Yes. I see where we're headed. Yes.

Absolutely. You know what I mean? I do. I sure do. You know what I mean. You know what I mean. When these reviewers come in, it's going to be even more important than tonight. Those grandpas were easy to please, and we still did a horrible job. Thank God it was all

grandpas. When I read one of those reviews, I'm going to feel like I wish I was a beauty school dropout.

Is that from... I don't know. I don't want

to talk to you through the toilet. Is that a different musical? I feel like we're talking through the toilet

to him.

Am I wrong? Doesn't that sound like it went through the porcelain? Is he doing TO2

in there? I hear

No. No. We're not doing phone connected with string, but with toilets and plumbing. Oh, shit.

You know what, you guys? I forgot. I didn't even realize that. There's still a TO2 out there. Is that one of them? Whose is that? Who's

TO2? Oh, that's me. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Are they cool? I didn't even realize we still had people in here. These are some

late night birds. I mean, I put the check down, but they seem to be...

Okay. Maybe they were like... I was like, I'm going to bring the check. Yeah. But let me know if you'd like to order anything else. Why don't I go give them a quick check into? That way they don't feel like you're bothering them.

Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll just come by as a manager. Yeah, I took off my... I took off my... I took off my... I took off my... I took off my...

Okay, great. So you still got yours on. I'll put it on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, folks. How we doing? Hope everything's going good. I see the check there. See, and you're taking a very long time with it. Everything good?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. My dear and I are just enjoying our nice meal. A little fun thing. I asked her out to prom with a very special... I burned her name into the grass.

Wow.

Yes, in my grandfather's field.

Wow.

I said yes.

Fantastic. So are we all wrapped up? I

think my dear would like a dessert, wouldn't you, honey?

Oh, I would love a dessert.

you

Do

We have all three flavors. Okay, great. Do you have cakes or cookies or brownies or

a cupcake? We have cheesecakes or we have just cheese. Oh, honey, cheese. Oh.

So I guess we'll do an ice cream with cheese. My favorite. Whatever

my honey wants. Shredded. Shredded. Now we have Mexican blend or Monterey Jack.

Oh. On three? One, two, three.

Mexican blend.

Oh,

Thank you. Okay,

two checks on top of each other. There you two are. My field is ruined. Oh, your grandpa's here? Grandpa. Grandpa,

please. I've never gotten over it. Thank you for making the reservation for us

tonight. Yeah. And I am so sorry, but it was a romantic gesture. Didn't you do that after fighting

the Nazis or anything when you came home?

Yes. Yes. I had just gotten home from fighting the Nazis and I wanted to ask my wife now.

Rest her soul.

Rest her soul. Not God rest. Thank you. Thank you. I don't believe in God. May her soul rest unreligiously. But I carved my wife's initial into her mother's home, lit it up in gasoline, and she went out with me. I don't think I've ever

told you this. My grandma's Madonna. Oh, my gosh.

How long

Not that, Madonna.

All right.

Shut up and let me get in here. Sorry. Was it the ice cream? What's

happening? What's going on? Shh. Shh.

Shh. Shh. There's a little old man under here.

He went right into my shins. He clipped my shins.

They'll just have the ice cream with cheese.

Thank you.

All right. Well, here we go, guys. We have two

big scoops of ice cream. Mexican bread, please.

Two big scoops of ice cream. Half MJ, half MB. And here's another bill. God damn it. I thought we locked the front door.

Guys, guys, guys. We got one more table.

Guys, we got one more table. Wait.

There's

a Michael Jackson impersonator here.

Chichibuchi. Do you hear him? He said Chichibuchi. Chichibuchi. He's a Michael Jackson impersonator in the Spartans costume. Cha -cha -chibuchi. This is huge. This

is huge. Roll call. Hee -hee. Okay. This is our chance. We can make up for the whole terrible night.

My name is Michael. I'm here to say, my name is Michael. And let's go. How many, sir? How

many in your party?

I think. Two.

This is one. Two.

It's me. Guys, we got another one. Hello, Mr. Hi. Hi. Are you guys together? Yeah. Okay. Two right this way. Yeah. Thank you. Okay. We're going to

put you

in this section.

Wow. They have not

worked on that moonwalk as much as you think they would as Michael Jackson impersonators.

Ow. Oh. Ow.

Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

Ow. We did get here

two minutes after we technically closed, but we forgot to lock the door. Oh, we'll leave. Hee. Bye.

Hee

hee.

Bye. Bye hee. I'm not going to keep them in here. Jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle.

Jingle hee. Are

they gone or are

they preparing for Christmas? I like this bell.

Don't say I'm under here.

say

I'm

under here. We're not under here. Grandpa and your grandpa and two Michael Jackson

Don't

Sorry.

But I want my dear to have just the loveliest night.

have

We

our ice creams. One of them with MB, Mexican blend. One with MJ.

Hee hee. Two. Bye. Sorry. Just to be clear. I was walking back to the kitchen. Just to be clear, there is no Michael Jackson on your ice cream. It's Monterey Jack cheese.

Oh. Yes.

Okay. Great. Thank you. Awesome. One question before we go. Yes.

Do you guys have kaffir?

We have kaffir. Is that what you said? Coffee here. Oh my God. I thought you asked if we had kaffir. We do have kaffir.

Oh, we'll do two of those. That's a probiotic yogurt. Which I will need

because

of all this dairy I'm having. You guys have me to do this,

right? No. Oh, no. Stinky. Oh, this is unfortunate. Those two Jacksons are resting their head right on the bench of the booths.

She farted.

It

What's going on out there? Why are you?

Guys, break open the kaffir locker.

You've been out there forever. I know. I was

trying to get - Break open the kaffir locker. Break open the kaffir locker. I thought I was going to get these two out of here. We had two late walk -ins. That's my bad. We got to lock the front door right at

10. Oh, yeah. We need

to bolt up. And

if we don't lock it after 10, we have to make sure there are certain words we don't say because if those people hear their names or anything similar to them, they will come right through the front door. I thought he said coffee here. I thought he said kaffir. Of course we have kaffir. Of course we don't have any coffee.

Even before that, you

said MJ. And they were right

- Woo!

They're in the kitchen. They're back in the kitchen. Gentlemen, please. Choo! Choo! Choo! Ha! Ha! Okay, just let them keep walking. They're going to walk out the back door. They're going to walk out the back door. Let them keep going.

Woo! Back of house! Woo! Woo! Bye! Bye!

Bye! Bye! They're trying to walk out the back door, but because they're moonwalking, they're going the wrong way back to their

seats.

Stinky! Stinky!

Oh, God.

No, there's a restroom, fellas!

There's a

restroom!

All right. Under the table.

We'll just do the - Are we serving them, or are they just witnessing the other meal

from the ground? Let's just let them witness -

I like those guys.

I don't want to

I agree. We do

serve them.

I'll take care of this. I'll take care of this. Wow, Howard. Let me take care of it. Howard, Howard. Just be careful. I bet they're litigious.

I'll take care of it. Okay? I'm going to go out there. Okay. Hide. Hide. Excuse me. My dear and I

have been trying to

out

of here!

No! Get out! Hide in!

Hey! Hey, hey! Get out of here! You can't see he. Oh, you know what? Hey! If you don't get out of here right now, I'm going to call the authorities. Olly, olly, accent free! He, he, he. You know what? Hey, I'll smoke you guys out. I'm not scared.

Puff, neither are we.

Okay.