Plimpie's

All right, y 'all, you rested? Everybody get a good night's sleep last night?

Ate a good breakfast? It's a big day. The fuck you think?

Well, it's daylight savings. Jesus Christ. We're

obviously all over. I'm absolutely fucked.

You guys, I warned you about this. I warned you about this last week. I said, make sure to set your clocks back a day early, is what I said.

That's what I did, and I've been a day off.

I set myself

back on accident. We did it, and it absolutely wrecked us.

I'm still wrecked. I'm wrecked.

I'm a brown hog day of exhaustion.

And I want the farmers. I'm for more change. I'm for actually more of a change. I want the farmers to be able to get up at 3 a .m. and go to sleep at 3 p .m. so we can have too much corn syrup in this country. This country runs on the

farmers.

It always does. It's all about the farmers. Yeah, well, and it could be about us. If you guys had taken, okay. Listen, this is a huge day, guys. You guys know we got our big

press day tonight.

Don't harmonize yawn.

It's obviously. It's obviously. For the longest yawn. For

the longest yawn. Don't sleep.

Don't sleep. Don't sleep.

Yawn.

Okay, that's crazy. When you guys yawn and I start yawning, and then we're

a yawn right

doing Billy Joel. I'm making

yawn. Yeah. Oh. My sternum. My

sternum pop.

All right. I'll get the med kit. Let me get to the first aid. Jesus Christ. Let me get into the first aid. This isn't what

we needed to start the

There's nothing in the kit that's going to help with pop's sternum. No, it didn't.

day

off, guys.

Dusty spiderwebs everywhere. We did get used med kits. I bought. We bought used.

Let's get by med kit consignment. Well, when you start a restaurant, you have to know that you don't need the fanciest of everything.

Right. We got a lot

of our stuff at Goodwills, at Dumps, at L. Goodwills. Yeah. Goodwills.

Goodwills. Many

Goodwills. Many Goodwills they have. We shop around at a Goodwill. You can't. Because you can't take the first price.

No. You kind of have to treat a Goodwill like a used car show. And we'll say

it's cheaper at the other Goodwill. And they will honor the price, which we say it's free at the other one. These

freaking, these disgusting, these disgusting Goodwill sales agents. They're just trying to get their hooks into you. How much, you know, freaking money can they get out of you?

It's all about the commission.

I know.

everybody's in there elbowing their way in towards those dusty pans and Mr. Coffees and popcorn makers in the back. What if they're out of the front of the Goodwill where all the agents stand outside and they call which one they're dealing with as you come in? You know what I mean?

Those

freaking vultures.

Yeah. You're going to get hosed at a whim.

You want a flannel. You leave

with a marked up pleather skirt. You get what you want. And now you're stuck with it

for 72 months, 0 % APR. And I'm like, I cannot. The monthlies are killing me on the skirt. Killing, killing, killing, killing, killing, killing, killing, killing, killing, killing. But the craziest thing is when you go in to get it serviced,

they look at you like you're crazy. Well, they sell you the skirt package. That's how they make their money up top. They're like, come in, wear the skirt. We'll service. We'll change the oil, the whole

thing.

Yeah. A lot of times it's such a whole. And this is where the metaphor keeps

We'll change the oil.

go in. You get them

can

for free. But then you go and you go to schedule your appointment. And

it takes three weeks for them to tell you when you can do it. And you're like, well, I'm just going to go to Jiffy Skirt. Uh -huh. Yep. Yes. And I know people

said this, but as soon as you wear the skirt off the lot, it loses most of its value. Here's my issue with

have

buying the skirt at Goodwill.

My issue with buying the skirt at Goodwill is because I'm a guy,

they think they can take advantage of me and then I don't know what I'm talking about.

Why don't you let us know when your wife can come back in? Yeah, exactly. I'll come in with a woman and they keep talking to her about the skirt. And I'm like, excuse me, I'm buying the skirt. Right. Do you see a wedding ring on my finger? No.

The skirt's for me? Well, you do, but it's because my one got stuck.

different. Oh, right. Right. You tried on a little plastic ring at a quarter machine and it's

That's

Also known as Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday,

Saturday, Sunday. All seven

days.

Diarrhea.

On the seventh day, you rest and eat sugar. That's right.

Is that true?

And the Lord

rested. The toward to the Todd. To

the Todd.

The Todd rested on the seventh day and he ate sugar.

Well, just speaking to kind of how we're preparing and stuff, I was also up late, not just Daylight savings, but I've been getting it on Twitter, on TikTok.

People are calling me out for the kitchen right now and the lack of the masculine energy back there. We haven't hired any women and I am such a feminist. So I stayed up late last night. I put some ads on Indeed. We are changing the culture of this kitchen

forever. That's beautiful. That's great. It's a proactive approach.

Yes.

Response to criticism. Criticism. It's not a thing that a lot of people are interested in.

Oh, I respond to all

criticism. Yeah.

Yeah. Absolutely. Usually angrily and challenging

and doubling down, but this time changing for the better. Yes. I took the L, the L and the E out of challenging

and I am changing. I thought you were going to hate that I took the L.

No, I would never. No. I took the L and I hired some women.

I did see some of those posts on Indeed. Indeed. The comment

section got pretty heated on the line. I didn't know you could turn comments off, but they were on. And yeah, I was in there because it was like, why is the pay so low? And it was like, well, I'm the boss. I'm going to make more than you. And then it was like, okay, here it comes. Another white man making more than the women. It was like, it's my restaurant.

I'm allowed to make more, ladies. There's something about you that you just get into an immediate

fight no matter what anytime you meet a new person. Well, if someone says something to me, it's pissing me off.

Well, I'll also say, Todd. That's a good point.

If someone says something to you, it's pissing you off. It's crazy

the way people do that,

man.

Right. They just piss you off all day.

I also think it was a mistake for you to put your compensation in the ad as well for comparison. I listened to an interview with Maria Banford. She said she talks about all her money now. And so

I'm doing it.

I

did. I said, I make $100 ,000 a year.

Hopefully. Hopefully.

hopeful right now. We have set salaries that we hope to get to. Well, if I put the numbers out there, I'll be.

It's all

Oh, is it $4 billion? Did you lie about how much you're worth? Of course I didn't. I'm worth $4 billion.

I don't think she's coming after you.

She's a doofus. She's political. Right. She's a

dud. First, she comes for the president and you said nothing. And then she comes

for you. It's not the same. You know what I mean? It's not the same at all. That is the famous Jewish.

It's the

same as Jewish. What they're doing with Trump is the same as Jewish. You can't simply use a famous Jewish right now. Okay? You can't. You can't. It's

simply wrong.

But, yeah, I have, you know, there's those TikTok videos and it's hard to see yourself.

Right. You know, somebody starting a video and it's like,

so y 'all are just finding out right now Todd Padre is the most racist man

in America. That's

tough to see for you. And it's like,

excuse me, how are you all of a sudden aware of me and saying

this

Right.

Right. So you're saying any publicity is not necessarily good publicity. It's

bad when it's about my name being dragged

through the mud. Right.

I would hope, though, Todd, it sounds like a very, like, sort of superficial change you're making. It sounds like you're still really defensive about it. And I would hope that maybe you'd take a second to kind of breathe through it and actually do some introspection. Well,

I do. Which I know we're not necessarily comfortable with. I did like your apology video where you're playing the ukulele. Thank

you. Really good. I thought it was really good. And so brave to pick up the ukulele day

of.

Yes, you

learned it.

obviously

It's like tiny. It's a small ukulele. I'd never seen a nine -string ukulele before. What was that? Oh, yeah. It was double -string Led Zeppelin

style. It was zip. Two -neck. Double -neck.

Double -kostume with costume.

Yeah, you were 70s for sure. Double -neck Led Zeppelin

style. And I want to say, I think that's why the apology didn't quite land.

It was so. That it was in character. It

was so themed. Yeah.

So much incense. We couldn't really see you. The apology isn't really about the art direction.

You know what I mean? No. It's about

the genuine. It should be stripped down, not sort of built up. And there was a long seven -minute video of you walking from the green room to where you recorded it.

Yeah. And really hyper -stylized and making you seem really cool. Yeah. I go and I do my little pre -show vocal warm -up with the crew.

Right. I'm dabbing up everybody, all the below -the -line people to show that I know their names and stuff. You make them get in a circle and pray. I make them.

Yeah. And they pray to my God because it's my tour.

Todd, right?

That is so adorable. Because I'm a family man. Well,

let's get it. And you give her heavy notes. You heavily note it. In the video, you can see it. I ripped the mic out of it.

And again, this is all still for Todd's apology. You end up

doing your own intro. Don't forget, he's not a musician or a famous person. This is his apology. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry you had to sit through that intro.

Oh, because you do have an opener. Oh, yeah. Somebody gives an apology before you, right?

Who apologized before you this time?

Let's see. It doesn't have to be real.

It was the editor of Flower Moon. They said there should be an intermission. They're sorry they made us sit through the whole

thing. It turns out Marty wanted a three -hour movie.

I made it longer,

sorry.

and I'm

right. So they apologized before you, and you did it.

Right,

I thought it was a really – I did see –

and I – as somebody who's been to every one of your performances

–

Are you talking about yourself?

No. But

in character or

somebody who did that? As somebody who has – Like in an improv scene, you're saying, as your doctor.

Exactly. As somebody who's been at every one of your performances, which I have not, but I'm pretending to be a character that has right now. I thought – I did feel like you were dropped in. There was something about you were – in real life, when you're doing it in real life, you are actively getting dragged through the mud. You are able to commit. You just needed it to be real. You're able to act real in real life.

Rage guides me, and I don't know what would happen, but on that stage for that ukulele apology video, I don't know. Todd spoke through me

You know, I was – it was a higher power, and I felt like, sure, I bungled most of the solo.

day.

that

It's a lot of strings when you don't know how to play

either instrument. You didn't have to do the free bird solo. I did. I did.

Well, you didn't.

Well, no. After the apology, I felt free as a bird.

You know – And the hardest part for me is because I'm playing the solo, and I'm also doing the other parts of the band with my mother. And I can't simply do both.

You had a loop pedal, and you went to

loop yourself, but you had recorded you angrily complaining earlier in the day, and that just started playing. Yeah. Yeah,

so it was looped against me about how parallel parking spots are too small.

Todd, I'm going to be honest with you. They're not

all uniform.

The ones you choose are

too little. Also, they're not all parallel parking spots. Some of them – Some of them, like if you're in a big mall empty parking lot, you can just pull in

straight. You don't have to parallel. Those are head in. Yeah.

are head in. I never park head in. He thinks every parking spot is parallel. You try to parallel park in sideways

Todd

It's

too little. And you obviously have – It's not too small. It's too little.

You're perpendicular. You're doing it perfectly. And your car is – Not to be rude, but so long.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

It's an XL Denali.

Man,

it really is. It's a marker.

You stole the Ghostbusters little van thing. You stole the little van thing.

Well, they tried to suck me up.

Well, it shouldn't be able

to happen. Well, you need a tan. It shouldn't be able to happen. If it was happening – I was all the way in there.

In the little box. Yes. Jesus, Todd.

Man, I'm going to be honest, Todd. I'm worried because

as I said before – Slimer curved me. Ha -ha!

Curved or swerved?

So you hit on

Slimer immediately in the box. In the

baby.

box. Hey,

Swerved. Swerved.

Swerved. Either one. Either one works. Both work for you in any situation. You're always getting curved and swerved. Driving on swerved into curves. Speaking of curvy, Slimer, I see what you are doing.

whole lot of something. Look at

A

thing. I wouldn't know what to do with it.

that

No.

Oh, you wouldn't. Yeah.

Slimer would break your dick off. That's like the implication throughout the movies, right? That Slimer fucks fucking hard. That's how Slimer dies. Yeah.

Slimer was a size

queen. Not too big. Finally, Slimer could be killed as a ghost. That was the biggest, craziest thing. Slimer got her back

blown out.

Literally. Literally, yeah. Wow. It's a crazy story, the Ghostbusters lore.

I'm really worried, if I'm being honest, Todd. I feel like this is a huge day, as I said before. We've got our press day today. We've got a bunch of critics coming into the restaurant to prep for our grand opening. And

I'm worried that - Lovitz is coming in? Yeah. Lovitz will be here.

The critic. Yeah. I'm really worried that this is going to be a huge distraction.

Oh, wow, Howard. Having women in the kitchen is a distraction? No, that's not - I used to be just

like you last night. Todd.

But I learned so much. Todd, that's not what I'm saying. I hear the point you're making. It's not specifically that. It's the whole - You're missing it on purpose.

Yes. It's the circus around your whole situation right now.

I'm just worried - The kitchen is not a circus because there's women in

it. I'm not saying

that. Oh, women

are

They're clowns. They need to be tamed. They're clowns.

You're sick. I was just like you moments ago. Until you said that. I was just like

you. Until you became worse than me and there was an easier target than me, we all felt that way. Until I could place myself above you quickly in the moment, I was worse than you. I don't know my opinion until someone else says my opinion and I go, oh, that sounds bad.

I'm actually the opposite now. I'm just really worried. We have a lot on our plate today, figuratively and literally. The

menu's insane.

And I'm just worried. We have so many critics coming

in for service tonight. Manic. Loco. These are words that have been used to talk about women for centuries.

That is belittling how - In his defense, the menu is called biting off more than you can chew. It's a

very interesting take

on dinner. The plates need to be pared down.

Yes. In a very practical

the plates need to be

sense,

Oh, so - Okay. So let's just start with the eyes are bigger than your mouth entree. Or the eyes are bigger than your tummy

entree. Yes,

yes. Uh -huh. His eyes are bigger than your mouth. This is dessert. That's a dessert.

Yeah. And that's just a funny looking fish.

His eyes are bigger

than its mouth. Which is a delicious dessert. Don't

it

judge

fish. It's

by the

delicious

a

yes.

Yeah, it's a sweet fish. It's a sweet fish.

It's incredibly fishy.

It's only fishy.

It is fish. Well, here's a normal restaurant, right? A

meal

might be like burger and fries. Yes. Right.

A simple main and a compliment, right? Uh -huh. Maybe a little garnish of a parsley or a little orange or something like that. Yes. Right? But we do burger, fries, tater tots, coleslaw, mashed potatoes, sandwich.

Beans, greens, potatoes,

tomatoes. You

name

it. Yes. You name it. It's all on there. And I just think we should pick because that sounds like three or four dishes.

Yeah, it's almost like we're trying to please every possible person with one plate. We're almost making every meal a buffet.

Yeah.

Did we learn nothing from Meat or Juice's feast? Yeah, we already have the

feast. Yeah.

That's where everything should be. That's our biggest dish.

Okay. So why don't

you just pare one down real quick for

us? All right. So let's just do the eyes. We're bigger than your tummy. Okay. So that is a meatloaf with a side of a loaded baked potato. Yep.

Heavy. Heavy. Great. With a stuffed cabbage, a little bit of Eastern European flavor there.

Okay. Now I feel like we're off.

What's the cabbage stuffed

with? Yeah, are you starting with everything that's there and

then

paring down? Or are you? Well, no. I'm saying here's what we have.

want to pare down. Oh,

So

items. This is great. I think it'll be exciting for people to hear like a true blue negotiation. This is something you can learn

our

from.

Right. How do

That's fine. Yeah, that's fine. Well, okay. Well, let's work from there. And that's a good interesting side. I like that main. Not everybody has that. Oh, we're thinking. Yeah. I guess I don't know. How big is it?

Stuffed cabbage? Big as your head. That's what the menu says. But it does say not if you're a weirdo. Like it's got to be normal heads. You

can't come in and be like.

Yeah. Don't come in with that big actor head

and expect us to find a cabbage. Just so anybody knows who's listening. We're not looking at the size of your body and then determining how much food you get.

We are now. It's a great

idea. No.

No. That's

not. It could be. We could get ourselves into trouble

there. But I think we should decide our standards.

Because you give more food or less food.

Sorry.

Which

way

That's what I'm saying. I think Todd is shooting from the hip too hard. I don't.

do you go?

door. Right. What should

our piece de resistance be? You didn't complete the dish,

by the way.

Stuffed cabbage. Big potato. Stuffed cabbage. There is more, Todd.

Yeah. Broccoli hat. That's like as if the feast has a hat on top

of it. Right. You cut out. Made out of a broccoli floree. Yeah. You somehow take the stalk out of a broccoli and keep all of the little hairy parts in like a big thing. You put it on top of it.

That's

a big hairy hat. Just a quick question. This isn't about the menu, but am I ever going to get my hat back that you use for the mold? Or is that kind of.

It was lost in the experimentation.

Really? I apologize.

That's my

favorite hat. You've lost most of his clothes.

Why? I didn't want to ask any questions because I'm a team player, but why do all the meals need my clothes as a template?

Right. Because you're my muse.

Oh my God.

I immediately forgive you. I go, that's a dish.

I immediately forgive you. I'd like to eat

this. Thank you. Yeah. You're my muse. Okay. No more questions.

So you're not mad as long as you're a muse? That's right, baby. Oh. Wow.

Okay. Well, I feel like I would like to maybe take a little bit of a step back from the menu just

as I work on hiring some new staff for the kitchen. Yes, yes, yes. So

please maybe educate me. Let's throw out my

idea. We're going to have sex tonight.

That's not what a muse is.

I don't know if that's fully

muse. I think that's a muse.

I think it can be. I don't think it should be with you guys.

Oh, wow. I'm going to fuck my muse today.

That's not

a muse.

We're going to get so inspired. Me and Todd are going to go home and sleep

and make food.

in bed

We're going to go sleep in bed together, sex, and then we're going to make food. Okay. Because we're inspired. I'm not against this. I don't want to, like,

stop this. But it just seems out of nowhere.

Have you guys had sex before? No,

I've never been a muse before. I've never been so inspired.

I'll warn you, Sam. I don't think getting romantically involved with Todd in any way is smart for anyone.

Why are you jealous? Jealous. Fuck you.

What are you doing? We'll listen to this. I'm going to fuck tonight. And now I'm not. You're going to say stuff like this. Damn. I just think for many reasons, we're business partners. We are long -time

friends. You're just mad because no one will confide in you at the bar. Why are you

talking

about? You're just so mad. Oh, yeah. You were trying to get confidants in. Oh, yeah. I am a bartender. People will confide

in me. No, you want people to be your friend and be depressed to you so bad. You stand up there and you polish that one glass with

that one napkin, hoping somebody will come in and give a big exhale. Okay. What's got you so blue, bub? Okay.

Your fucking lines to open are disgusting. You hit. Hey, champ. What's got you down?

Yeah. I'll say this. Yes. Statistically, people spend less time at my bar than any bar in history.

That's right. 538 had that

whole expose.

And you know what? Fuck that guy. He's wrong about everything. He's wrong about my bar also. I've made plenty of friends at

the bar. He nailed the election.

He nailed the 2016 election.

Hillary. Hillary.

Damn. I understand Hillary. I understand Hillary. That was a devastating election.

But yes, Howard, I do think that you have a lot of skills. Yeah. In this world. I'm so many skills. I'm thinking of them all right now. I'm almost frozen thinking of all the things that you're good at. Just three, two, one. Say one skill.

Yeah. How about it?

Tying your shoe now.

Two, one.

Both shoes untied. Blowing your nose all the way.

That is true. I can do both of those things. I don't. Howard. Big Boog

City. I can justify both of those

things. You've been getting,

you got

Well. You always have a little hangy piece of snot. Because you just never quite finish.

It's a conversation starter. You blow it great. How do you not see

the boogers? It's a conversation starter. No, I do

it on purpose.

It's a conversation ender for

sure. No, it's not. Big hangy snot out of one nosh. Well, maybe people that you would want to talk to, but I want to meet people who would call me out and say, hey, excuse me, sir. You got a little thing

hanging out of your nose. You want to meet people who call you out.

Yeah. I want to talk to people who will have a real conversation with me, aren't afraid of being honest. I think that's a great way.

Sometimes I'll leave a little food hanging out of my tooth to see if somebody will say, hey, you got a little something there. All right. Let me be honest with you right now. Both shoes are untied. Your zipper's down. You have snot hanging out of two nose. You need

a haircut and you stink. Yeah. Yes. As somebody who's, I'm saying this about Sam over here, somebody who's about to get absolutely railed later.

You're in the character.

I'm in the character. Now, you should

listen. I think you guys are blind to my game here. I think you're

blind to what I'm doing here. 538 .com said you were statistically the least, the bar where people are the least vulnerable.

We're not saying it. The numbers are saying it. Yeah, but everything starts from somewhere, right? Okay.

I wasn't an incredible biology teacher the moment I was born. It took a lot of schooling, a lot of tries. I mean, look, we weren't restauranteurs when we got started in

business. That's true. We all do need

a little bit

more

grace. You have to start

somewhere. You're great at making drinks. Yes. You just need to work on the bartender vibe. Okay.

That's all. Well, okay, fine. I'll be open to this. Okay? I'll be open to this. What do you guys think I should do? Well, let's try one out. Okay. As a, Bill, as a sad person coming to get a drink. Yes. Let's see what would happen here. Okay. All right. If you can get into character, you did it so well twice already as someone who's seen my shows.

Yes. As someone who, something about Sam.

All right. All right. So.

You're going to break that glass, Howard. Let's start over. It's an imaginary glass. You broke your imaginary glass. Can I please just have. Practice the way you're playing in the game.

Yeah. Okay. I'm not going to touch a glass. All right. Okay. At least wipe the bar or something. Yeah.

Okay. Great. What can I get you, big fella?

Anything to take the pay. I'm not a big whatever. That's fine. Anything to take the pain away.

Oh, I'm so sorry. Are you experiencing

Sam party of two? Is there a Sam in the bar?

All right. That's me.

Oh, yeah. Yosemite Sam or a different Sam? I just

got Sam here. It feels

like. I'm on the menu as Yosemite, not menu of the list.

I think we're getting a little too immersive with the role play

here, guys. No. No clear thing just happened.

No. No. I was trying to connect with this guy, and then for some fucking reason, you decided to be Yosemite Sam, who has never come into the bar,

by the way, no matter how many times.

I thought my character's name was Sam, and I had also put my name on

to wait for a table. Well, you have to practice how you're going to play. There's going to be distractions

when it's real time. So Yosemite Sam might come in and say he's on the menu, I mean list.

I was surprised that Yosemite Sam was there. Yes. That's a surprise, but that

may happen. That's a live note. That's a live

note. No, but I'm surprised. I was inspired

because my beautiful muse spoke, and I wanted to do something. Okay. Go ahead. Go ahead. It's getting hot. You are genius. You're so smart.

Can we just keep it to maybe me and Bill at least for a minute? Sure. Of course. Sure.

Okay. All right. Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. You're going through some kind of pain

or something. Sam, part of two. Sorry, I

thought you were starting over. You went back into the same exact thing.

Yeah, you got to do a new one. I'm going to be a

new person. Okay, new person. I'm

new person. That guy

was too depressed for me in my opinion. I was really nervous and sad about that guy. Did he want it all to end? Is that what he said? He said something to take

the pain

away. Oh,

okay. Just a regular bar. I was like,

hi.

Jing -a -ling -a

-ling. Hi.

Like that bell that I installed on the door?

Yeah, that was really nice. Could I get a drink for my two friends, Yosemite Sam and Sam?

I'd like anything that could help me kill a rabbit.

Okay, you're Yosemite Sam, huh?

And I'm going to kill myself. Is that too much? Help him. Help him. Help me.

Help my sad friend.

Here, how about a - Hulk Hogan, party of two?

That's me. Well, Hogan's suicidal.

You know what? Where's Brooke? I got a reservation for me and my daughter. Help.

Hulk Hogan is

sad. His daughter hasn't started to dinner. Brother. Brother, give me something.

My daughter didn't show up for our reservation. Hey, Hulk, you know, you're the best champion wrestling's ever had. I really needed to

hear that.

Yeah. Thank you. And I know you've said some pretty awful things.

When?

Quite a few times, actually. Really? You've said a few terrible things. Customer's always right. What have I

said? And I agree with all the stuff that you said. Good. Once again, what were those things I

said? And can you say them back to me if you agree with them? Well, there's that notorious video. You're going to have to challenge him to a match. Oh, I'm not going to. No. What do I do here? Okay. Ring the bell. Ring the bell.

Are you challenging him to a match, brother? No, no, no. I'm going to

end the thing. Don't wrestle

him. Okay. I'll be the referee. I sound like Judge Mills Lane, but I'm your simity,

Sam. Scene, scene, scene, scene. Woo.

That was

close. You almost got your

head ripped off, Howard. I hated

that.

Howard, you never know who's going to be sad behind the bar. Hulk

Hogan's missing his daughter. Those could possibly be the least complicated scenarios that you face on opening

night, which is coming. Yeah, thank God Ultimate Warrior didn't come in. He'd have jumped up on the top of the bar and got

you. You wouldn't have had near as much time.

He

would have moved a lot faster. He's always waiting

for

one second. I wish Hulk Hogan sold conditioner for your hair. I need that smooth silk. I need that

smooth silk. 50 % sunscreen, 50 % conditioner.

Well, it has to be if he's using it for

both. Wait, so

you're saying

his hair won't get tan.

Yeah,

That's how he keeps his hair so untanned.

His hair is alabaster pale.

That's why Hollywood Hogan, he took the sunscreen out of

hair. Wow.

his

Right. So that there will never be a single follicle that ever. Turkey

came here. Pulled out all of his top hair. Turkey flew here on a third rate airline.

Oh, my God. Turkey came here in a little van. It was a beautiful little thing. And

they plucked all of Hogan's hairs.

It was the exact opposite of what people do.

Talk about Hogan's zeros.

He is loving Turkey for life. Oh, my God. Turkey came here. I heard he gave up ham,

but confused. He was

confused about what he was doing. He looked in the mirror and he went, I'm giving up ham.

I love Turkey now.

Howard, I appreciate you going through that thought experiment. And I hope that just like me, you will take some of the feedback.

What is the feedback? It's that you. Wow.

Learn from your own mistake. I don't know that I made a mistake.

You present disgusting. Listen to

a man and his

muse.

Thank you.

Okay, fine. You know what? This week I'm going

to do. You inspired me, Bill. No.

No.

Ooh.

I can't wait to get fucked later and then make food shaped like me. Come on over tonight. You know what? What time? What time? When are you

coming over? All right.

Have the door

unlocked and be in the bedroom. Jesus Christ.

That was so sexy. Be in the bedroom. That was so

sexy. Oh, my God. A lot of bees in the bedroom. Yeah.

You're going to have to work.

I can't wait. Don't stick you with honey. Let the bee into the bedroom.

Right. The last text I send is, yeah, come on over. By the way, bees in the bedroom.

You get it, right? I get it.

I'm going to change it all. The bar now, we're going upscale. We're changing it all. We're going to change it all up. I'm going to wear little suspenders. I'm going to get all

the little bartender. I like this. I'm going to wear a

bow tie, white shirt, black pants, black shoes. I'm going to be

really. Cadillac.

Yeah.

This boy's a time

bomb. He is rancid. I'll tell you

that much.

I

think I smell fun. Howard, no. I think you're doing fun. I think that the big swings is not what we need. We're about to open. The drinks are popular. Your filthy water is a hit. It just got featured in LA Mag. Yes. Yes. And yes, I do know that there is some grumblings on social media about the filthy water

causing Giardia. It's causing a lot of problems. A lot of people are saying it is changing their DNA in some

fashion. Into Giardia. Okay. It's a water disease. And I'm going to

get ahead of it. My drinks are not turning you into Giardia. Okay.

I don't know. I don't know. You know, obviously you can't believe everything you see on social

media. No, you

can't. People come out and say that I am an anti -feminist or

whatever. Okay, moving on.

Whatever. You can't believe that stuff right

away. You got to look into the person's history. But with the Giardia

video. You can do apology video.

Please. I can send you my guy.

I think I'll hire my own team, Todd.

You should hire Pink's crew. Oh, yeah. You really want to do a cool big production for your

apology. Yeah. How's your core strength? You want to come in on wire. Of course. Throw yourself down holding a little piece of string and let your body get flipped around until you

hit the floor.

How is your core strength? Not very good, but I can get

there. Yeah. We'll get you there.

Yeah. What about the strength on the edge of your body? Feet and top of head? Comparable.

All week.

Yeah. Or

That's the crust. What's your crust

strength?

I do want to talk Bill a little bit since you are kind of the one. We put you on the hot seat last week.

Yes. We

recorded your experience with customers. Chaotic. And we made some changes. But I want to know if there's anything that we can do as a team to help you out there on the floor since you're out there the most.

What are you seeing

in the game, as it were? I

mean, I think we are, you know, it's hard to say. I think just anticipating the restaurant's next move. You know, we know kind of now when the rush is going to be. We know when we're going to

have a big cleaning time.

A big exodus. We were shocked by the 7 p .m. dinner rush last night.

When everybody had just gone on break.

You had just sent everyone in the kitchen on break. All right. 7 p .m. Yeah. Break.

do an hour. Let's eat.

Let's

Yeah. Dishwashers, you're off for the night. Dishwashers, go

home.

Is it Grubhub? I thought it was Grubhub.

It's Grubhub.

It's Grubhub. It's people talking about food and eventually they order it. Okay. Okay. They hub hub about it.

Uh -huh. Grubbaloo. Grubbaloo.

Grubbaloo.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I like Grubbaloo because they're prices.

Yes. They are a little bit cheaper. And we thought this would be helpful for us to get into the delivery game. People try our food 45 minutes after it's been in someone's car. And they go, oh, wow. I wonder what this would be like in person.

Yeah. Is it always this kind of watery, steamed up, bad, cold? Yeah.

Yeah. It's really amazing to watch what people will eat to simply not leave their house.

Like where that Venn diagram of trash meets laziness.

Yes. And how

much they'll

I think a great thing that we're doing is we are taking all these orders, taking all these deliveries, but we have not changed our staff at all. The same amount of people in the kitchen, the same amount of people working at the restaurant.

No, we

also don't have to -go containers.

No. Well, our non -negotiable was all to -go containers must not be breathable. Trap condensation. Do up the food.

Non -crisp. We also want to save money, so we kind of do it how Costco does it. We

don't actually order containers. We just use the boxes from the food we've ordered.

Yeah, so you're just getting your food

in a big pickle box. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Big plate of nachos in an old tomato can. Like that's what we do.

Yeah, yeah. And it's kind of catchy.

People actually

like it. Yeah, the chicken parm goes out in the little tray that the raw chicken was in. Yes. Yes.

Full

Yes. The

life.

life. We send out little rice balls in old toilet paper centers. Yeah.

It just makes perfect sense.

Whatever we got around.

The fried pickle also in toilet paper centers.

You think you use

toilet paper centers. Beef diaper, of course. We got a lot of those that we send stuff out. I've been trying to get rid of that inventory for years. And we have actually been approached by the global footprint people. And they said our global footprint is too low.

They're like, just start using plastics, please. They're like, you're hovering. There's no footprint. You

simply must use some

plastics. And I believe we are the only entity on the planet Earth that has that distinction from

the people tracking carbon footprint. Delta is now paying us to reverse some of their shit that they put in the

air. Yeah, we're

offsetting Delta. They won't let me fly on it still, which is ridiculous.

Right. You kill one pilot mid -flight, and then they won't let you fly? It's unbelievable that that's immediately a felony.

In your defense, you thought he was stealing the plane. Yes. Of course. Why was he going so fast? He was driving it like you stole it. And I had to get up there and be like, whoa, whoa, whoa. How

fast did you get to San Jose? Why else would you be driving a plane 500 miles an hour unless it's

stolen? We're so high up where the cops can't get you. Okay, we get it.

You were the last time in defense. You were scared. Stolen. Yeah. Gee. You were expecting every plane ride to be ground to ground about 40

miles an hour.

When they take off, you think it's a thief.

Absolutely. When that thing starts really pumping on the runway, you're

like, oh,

fuck. Here we go again. Okay, he's up front. I'm in a stolen plane again. This happens literally every time.

Here we go again.

Sawed off

shotgun. Somehow you've gotten on. Hang on.

Hang on. I bring it on in a lot of little pieces. First of all, I take the end, the sawed off part. It's two barrels. I put it in my hair like it's chopsticks.

Right. That's how I put my hair up. Chris Kirkpatrick style. Kirkpatrick style. And then

I use the butt

of the gun as my wooden shoe. Nobody take this, by the way. It works. Oh, yeah. Don't take this. What do we have? About 7 ,000 to 10 ,000 terrorist listeners. You cannot take this idea.

Trigger is, of course, earring. It's just Kirkpatrick. He was the original gun on a plane guy. Let's see.

One moment. I'm getting a call from one of our perspective hires.

Oh, this is good.

Hi, honey. Click.

No one wants to work anymore. No one wants to work anymore. You seemed pretty

inspired, though.

You seemed really inspired right in front of everybody.

Baby.

This is why we don't do this. Hey, don't forget about me. We need to

take a break and have a sex. Beautiful.

We need a sex break. Howard,

you can't come. Well, we're about to open. Your

body is defuncted. I'm going to prove it one of these days. Howard, I dare you to show me Exodus.

Okay, wait. Who ordered cock cages on the Amazon? It's the whole pantry.

Yeah, we only needed four.

They're egg

holders. Sure,

they

are. They are. Sure, they are. They're egg holders.

By the way, Howard,

I walked past your room the other night. You're using them wrong. You're only supposed to use it one at a time. You're not using it on the right area.

It looks like you have leeches.

You're very close. But they are not egg holders. They are egg holders.

I swear they're

egg holders. Oh, my gosh.

All right. Yeah, we got to take a break. BRB.

BRB. Yeah. I mean, we're going to have to open in a second, and I think all these fucking

critics are going to be here.

Right.

Second half is going to be short today, folks.

All right. Bye. Bye. Five, ten minutes. Okay. Critics of the Hamilton community. My name is Todd Padre, head chef and co -owner of Meadle Juices. I appreciate you all being here today for our critics open

session. So the way this will work is I'm just going to be giving you the courses of our meals and different drinks and, yeah, taking the smells.

We like a nice blank slate to start with. Just cleansing our nose. Wonderful. I want to say at the beginning that even though historically creatives like myself have an antagonistic relationship with critics.

Sorry. We just need to clear the passageway where any

flavor or smell might still exist. Clearing the nose, clearing the throat, clearing the mouth.

Yes.

Feel free to use the spittoons. Oh, whoa. All around on that one. Good aim.

Oh.

Sorry. So sorry.

Sorry. Of course. So sorry, Mr. Padre.

Chef Padre.

Sorry. Yeah. Very sorry. Yeah. Chef Padre.

Very sorry. Thank you so much for having me. We respect you, Chef.

Mr. Padre was my Fadre. You can call me Chef Padre. Just a little

joke.

Call you

what? Just start it all

off. Chef Padre. Chef Padre. Was his Fadre. Yes.

So as I was saying, I know historically creatives like myself have an antagonistic relationship with critics because you all don't make anything. You all don't

do anything. You all just come in here. And I'm not reading into the height at which you're standing and the depth at which we are sitting.

Yeah. Did you dig a pit? I feel like we're the orchestra.

Well, yeah. That's a good observation. You're where you belong and I'm where I belong, wouldn't you say? But all that aside, I am curious to hear your reviews and I'm excited to see. I assure you and I'm confident that once you try everything we have here at Meadal Juices, you'll be writing very wonderful reviews for us.

Just one quick question. I didn't read my email brief when I came, but I'm looking at the name. Will we be eating both meat and juice?

Well, Meadal Juice is more of a person and a character and

what we provide. So it's not really your expectation of what we have here, meat and juice, though we do have both of those on the menu. I'll put that in my note.

Yes. Just like it's somewhere like Cracker Barrel. It's not that you're eating a

cracker

or a barrel.

It's more the name

of the place. Yeah. Cracker Barrel is sort of a character.

Yes. The Cracker Barrel that

we all kind of know and love.

Okay. So speaking of Cracker Barrel, I'll get you ignoramuses some food to start

off here. Okay. Good. Good. Familiar with that term. It's the game at Cracker Barrel.

What we all have on your table in front of you right now first is tap water, no ice, sparkling water with ice, or gas water with gauze.

So that's a little more European style.

With gauze, which is.

I smell the gas. I definitely smell the

gauze.

So we're going to try the waters first, just the different waters. Why wouldn't you?

And explain the difference between sparkling water and water with gauze. And who is that? Is that Roger? Roger. Yes.

From the Sentinel.

Roger from the Sentinel. Roger. Hi. Good to

see you. I just want to remind you, we did sink the

Bloody Pig barbecue restaurant.

So our

review really does. You're going to want a good review from us.

Well, and not to argue with you as a fellow critic, but I don't know how much your review sank the Bloody Pig and how much their imagery and title of their restaurant did.

It's a

slaughterhouse themed restaurant.

Disgusting restaurant. Don't think you have that much power.

Well, I will say you are very powerful that you were able to revive the Bloody Pig by giving it a dissent. You gave my review a dissent. Yes. And I applaud that dissent.

Well, and my review of the Bloody Pig was 10 packs of gauze all the way up.

Right. And that was the first time you ever used gauze as part of your

judging system. Yes. Which a lot of people say revolutionized the criticism. Which now we're all using. We all use gauze.

Gauzes. I'm done with thumbs.

I hope to get a full mummy's wrapping here. Oh, well, you're not

Plimpy's

sandwich.

Okay.

The only people getting a mummy wrap is a Plimpy. The number

six at Plimpy is

just incredible. This is where all critics agree. The number six Plimpy is mummy -licious. It's mummy -licious. It's getting the five

mummies up. It's fully wrapped five mummy. The best thing you could be is fully wrapped.

You wish you could be a number six at Plimpy's five mummies up fully wrapped.

I appreciate y 'all's perspective. I do love what you do. And I want you to like me, of course. But I think that the rapidity of how your review system changes makes it very hard for the consumer to know what's a good review or not. Oh, there's a rubric. Let

us use the words like rapidity

in the review. Okay. You keep to the normal word.

If I were to write my review right now, it would be Rashidity. I

give that word five mummies up. Gauze wrapped. Wrapped them up? I

give it simply 12 tombs.

Rashidity. We're on the

tombs now? Yes.

And if I were to review both of your reviews, I would give it a single The Great Pyramid.

Well, thank you so much, and I would raise your Great Pyramid to two arms stiff out front, walking slowly at you.

Anyway, you have water with gauze,

bubbly water, and tap water. And the bubbly water has ice in it.

Yes. Okay, good. So you have different experiences of it. And where is this gauze sourced from?

Good question. It is the, I believe that is natural gauze. Fracking. Oh,

I thought it might have been an exon gauze. So it's a lot of the earthquakes

you've been feeling around town. That's us fracking to get enough gauze for the water. Oh, a little bit of fire off of the gauze here.

Careful.

So,

all right, and now we're moving on to the cocktails. Of course, there is our TikTok famous cocktail, Filthy Water.

Right, we've

heard of it.

And our bartender, Howard Levis. Shit in his nose, Levis. Yes, of course.

Is that what they're

calling? It makes it very relatable, I

do find. I

give the

shit coming out of his nose five

raps.

And are we going to get to see the bartender mix a drink in front of us today?

He will be mixing a drink right behind me right here. Is

he with us now? He is. There he is. Okay. If the bartender is

with us now, please make yourself

known. I'm right here. I'm not a ghost, sir. I'm right

here. If the bartender... Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! I

can't believe I summoned him with one request.

Wow! Todd.

Live in person.

Five raps of a mummy. Todd, what the hell's

going on out here? Raps of a mummy for the ghost. I didn't know. I had no idea that the critics of our town were so obsessed with the supernatural. Oh, wow.

But they seem to be at least at this moment. Well, hey there, fellas. Oh!

Oh!

Werewolf about! Werewolf about! Not necessarily that might just be a dog.

Or that might just be you doing

the sound. I'll also say if... It was me.

I'm sorry.

Scratch it out. No

mummies for the

werewolf

out ahead of it. Yes! And make sure that when you write your reviews, make sure that there's a comment from me, the bartender, that says this drink does not give you or turn you into Giardia.

Don't even say the word. Don't even say the word. Don't put it in their heads. Don't put it in their heads. I'm sorry. Strike it from the record.

So this is the Giardia cocktail.

know. It's the

Don't

water. Plimpties. Plimptons. Plimpies. Plimpies. Plimpies. This is reminding me of Plimpies.

filthy

Smells like Plimpies. And so what we like to pair with the filthy water now off of the appetizers is our take on the Bloomin' Onion. Why do Australians have to be the only ones who fry an

onion? Oh, I thought this was the beginning of a joke.

It is? Sorry. Delivery?

Oh, good, good, good. Nice.

Yes, yes. I was ready. You

messed with my rhythm of the joke.

I'm

so

sorry. Let's all just take a

big sip of the dirty water

and start over again here.

Why do Australians

get to be the only ones who determine how we eat an onion?

Yeah, that is a good

point. Why is it? You cannot interrupt the joke. It messes with the rhythm. Todd, Todd,

calm down. Seinfeld. Todd, calm

down. Calm down. I thought it was a danger field. I thought it was a danger field. Danger field. All these guys. Gutfeld. These guys are all about rhythm and timing.

Simply one word can ruin an entire joke.

Thank you. It's alchemy. It's math. It's science. I'm skipping the joke. The whole point here is we have an onion.

I'm giving the joke two little slits open for just your eyes.

Still, that's good. So the mummy can see, I think. The jokes aren't really. The customers aren't going to hear the jokes. That was just for us.

was me. I'm sorry. God, I was so hopeful. So sorry.

It

I normally don't ask a question. I normally just review and move on. This is called the Bloomin' Onion.

Yes.

It is a completely untouched onion.

Uh -huh.

Why? Okay. So we wait for the onion. Why? The chef comes in front of your table and blooms the onion, which means they dice it in front of you. They cut it up.

Awesome. So it's kind of table side bloom.

Table side bloom.

plot.

Table side

door.

fry it next

we'll

Yes. And then

to the table.

Seems like that oil. That's a big knife. I would almost call it a sword.

Yes. And I'd say that oil is a little too hot. I can see the thermometer. It's at 500 degrees.

That's exactly what it should be at for

a quick fry and soft

on the inside. Yes. On the edge of a fully lighted flame. We love that. And the flame, of course, on my own kind of sawhorse that I made myself out of two street signs that I have put sideways and stood these on top of. Good. Both stop signs. I heard crashes out front.

You took the stops. I'm assuming. I forgive the tears. It's, you know, I'm

chopping onions here. Of course. Of course. Of course. It tastes like tables. I walk. Every time it gets the experience. All right. And now plop. I love it. Five. Five. Here comes the

plop. Oh. No battering whatsoever. No batter. Yes. No batter. Interesting.

Simply raw fried

onion. No batter, but

much

face.

my

bladder. Ouch. Ouch

Yes.

Ouch my chest.

Ouch my hands. Okay.

Let's.

Wait. I need bandages.

Yes. Yes.

Yes. Whoa. A

surprise change. This

meal. Wrap me

up.

Wrap me up.

So one of you is wrapping

your head. One's wrapping your eyes, chest, and hands. I'll just wrap the part of you that burned right now.

Okay. Which was

chest for you, I believe. Chest for me. All right. Jesus. I didn't realize this was going to be so interactive.

All right. One blooming with the real G, American onion.

That'll pair with your filthy water. Okay.

Okay. So this is a. But

also burnt. Yes. Raw but cooked.

Yeah.

I'll say this. It's a flavor I've never tasted before. Good.

That's what we're going to do. As a food critic, I've never tasted

onion before. It's no

plimpies.

Yes.

But I do.

I feel like we shouldn't have reviewed plimpies so early

altogether.

I told you to not come having had.

We hit

And gave the best

review of our lives.

And you know the perspective of everyone in this town. If you're

driving past. Do we have mustard on

our face? Do we have a bunch of mustard in my face?

I know. I got the meatball side. But am I covered in marinar? And listen. Is he covered in marinar? Kidding. Kidding.

You can't expect someone to drive past a plimpies and not get a number six. There's not a plimpies anywhere near the route to this place. But we still drove past it. We went out of our way. We

drove past. Day trip to plimpies.

Are we

kidding?

I give this. You are so scared that we'll take it seriously. You give us no time to actually notice the dog. You're right. You're right. You're right.

I don't want people that excited. But I do want to make the noise.

Mr. Padraig. Can we be honest with you?

Please. Please.

We hate reviewing food.

don't like

We

We've all. We're

just friends. We just want to eat plimpies every day. I'll be honest. If my perfect life. Plimpies isn't good. My perfect life. Mr. Padre. My perfect life would be eating a plimpies and then going to work at some sort of scare attraction. Like a

haunted house. Slide on our knees up to a couple and go boo. Okay. I give

the Blooming

Onion one. And I give it an Amun Ra.

I give it a Beetle. Wait. I give it actually.

Hang on.

I mean it's scary.

He's scary.

So it's less. Hang on. Hang on. Shh. Shh. I give it a.

Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. What do you give it? I

give it one Brendan

Fraser. One Brendan

Beetle Fraser mummy up. I'm changing my review. I'm giving it a Billy Zane eight leg. An eight legged Billy Zane. So this is