Not Bald Roger

I do feel like the tide is turning on the public opinion of you. After some

of your... In which way?

For the better.

Yes. Yeah, I do

think you have

owned up, lowered yourself, or what is it?

Yeah, like humbled yourself. You've humbled

yourself.

I've humbled myself before my judgmentors.

Well, and you tried to get away with just lowering yourself.

Yeah, I took the lifts out of my shoes. Well, I gave my shoes to DeSantis.

He sadly took them down a little bit. He took them down a little bit.

DeSantis is looking good since

you

An x -ray, if you will. And he's on ballerina toe point in those, right? Absolutely. Well, ballerinas can't quite do it. That's what he's doing, but

yeah. Right. He's being courted by the Lincoln Center New York City Ballet,

right? Because he's up on super toe is what

they're called. Up

on

big

One

toe.

big toe.

French word.

He

is an unbelievable dancer, and he's in the completely wrong race.

Yeah, I know. If you

ask me. I think he should be going fully for the Russian ballet.

Oh, he's polling really well in Swan Lake. Yeah. Polling

really well. Well, the polls have... I will say I did get called by a pollster the other day, and the poll was a little confusing. It's like...

Is a pollster a sort of like a mafioso, like a gangster? Is that what a pollster is?

I don't think that's what they technically are, but the guy on the phone definitely sounded that

way. They're thugs.

Oh,

yeah.

Yeah.

says hello. I don't know if that

means... I mean, he shot the mouthpiece of the phone.

Yeah.

But wait a

second.

Ah, my ear!

loud! Oh, my God. Yeah. Those phone lines will deliver a gunshot right to your ears.

It's too

Yeah, it was scary. They really will. But no... What did

you say?

Huh? What was the

question? What did you say? The question was a little bit confusing. It was like, which of these roles do you see Ron DeSantis in most? President of the United States, lead in Black Swan. The movie. Oh. The movie, yeah.

Takes away a lot of the lesbian undertones of the movie. But it's interesting. And we know simply one ballet that doesn't have to do with a swan, right? Oh, there's Goose River. Yeah. Oh, Goose River. Pig

Field.

Yes. Pig Field. Yes.

Pig

Field is really good. Goose Cracker. Goose Cracker. Goose Cracker around the holiday season.

Explain to me Cracker. Where's

Cracker? How does Cracker fit?

Like Nutcracker.

Nutcracker.

Nutcracker. Goose Cracker. Excuse me. Goose Cracker. Nutcracker. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Of course, Wicked Goose.

Wicked Goose. This one, I don't know.

Is it just Wicked the Musical, but with Goose? Yeah, we

know that. Wicked the Ballet. That's just a bunch of mean people on point kicking you in the nuts. Wickedly talented up

there.

Dazeen.

Dazeen.

Well, Todd,

it is really impressive to see you lower yourself, give your shoes to the Santas,

and just kind of be a guy who people can approach.

Yeah. Because I think that's some of the issue with you, Todd, is it's not that you're actually a bad guy. You just have sort of an abrasive exterior.

Mm -hmm.

Yeah. Yeah, but I've fixed that now, and I'm a good guy, and I think the abrasiveness at the end of the day, that's covering up vulnerability.

Oh, right. You are melting your shell off in a nice way. If people don't remember last week, you drove your Ghostbusters car through a crowd.

But not on accident.

But not on accident. On purposely targeted. But it was only because they were standing in the way, and he was trying to leave

fast. Listen, listen. If you go down the same road every week, and then all of a sudden there's a permitted festival, parade, et cetera, I'm hitting the accelerator, and I

ain't doing a

detour. Once it's plugged into Google Maps, you shouldn't have to do extra.

You can follow the line. Right. But

typically,

you can run through a parade. You can drive through one.

And as long as you're a nice guy, people won't be like, you need to apologize.

Or they'll sort of move. They'll sort of like, the seas will part.

Right. Something like that. Right. Well, that's how Moses initially split the sea. Whoa. And I, yeah. He just drove through it angrily.

Yeah. Yeah. Moses was just a dad whose kids were being too loud behind him. Yeah.

That's what they don't tell you about

Moses. He gets so much credit. I think with enough time, Todd, I think with enough time, you could be seen that way as well. Whoa. A Moses type who led us through the darkness. Todd's Christ. Christ.

Well, you were, you were

lost for 40 years once.

Right?

Yeah.

And your origin story is very similar to his. You were sort of put in a basket and floated down a river and discovered by your parents.

Yeah. Yeah. I was thrown in a basket by my.

You sunk your basket, right? You were just such a bad captain.

Yeah. Of your basket.

I was thrown in a basket. You ran in a ground. I was

raised by a

volleyball.

Your best friend. We have my dad, my best friend, Wilson.

Yeah. You were lost in the middle of the Jordan River, even though you could see both sides and easily swim to them for

years.

I was a baby. Oh, but later on. Right. Later on. Later on. Yeah. Later on, I got lost right on the Jordan River and I was just bouncing back and forth. I couldn't find my way

through. Wow. So yeah, Moses, Todd's Christ. I think it does have a ring to it. What do you think Moses's name is? What's that? What do you think Moses's name is? Moses Christ.

Moses Christ. He slams like his brain to make new space.

Right. It refragments itself. It slams all the Bible together. When Todd drove through some protesters. Is this a

Christmas song? Let my Todd's is Christ. Let my Todd's is Christ.

Todd.

something inconsequential. Let my Todd's is Christ.

He's basically saying, let me be

Todd's is Christ. Right. I agree. He's not like advocating. I know you agree. He's not advocating for his constituents or his worshipers. He's saying, let

me be. He's kind of saying, please worship

me. Right. Right.

Yeah. Very needy Lord. It makes sense. It really makes sense. He's an artist. He's a chef.

Christ. Right. He needs followers. He just needs them. And we are kind of condensing things a bit. Things have. The tide has turned for you, but it has been a tumultuous week here at the restaurant, folks.

He's Todd's is

Yeah. As you all know, lots happened last week. Just a real a real mess of chaos came down upon us here at Meadle Juices.

And Todd, you we've all kind of spent the week doing a little bit of damage control. We've had to sort of kick kick the grand opening down the down the road

just a

hair to get to make some room to sort of rectify things.

I'm taking issue. I am taking issue. I'm putting my flag down. We've had a tumultuous week. Todd. My name comes

up again.

It's been really hard here. Todd. It's like, yeah, of course, there are some things that I did. Doubled down on the whole situation.

In search of a good review.

Drove through.

all. The only person to request going on Z

-Way. Yeah.

Knowing what was going to happen. You said something weird

unprompted. She didn't even ask you a hard question. On intro, yeah. Yeah. On intro. You stepped in front of her and introed the show.

But then

somehow you turned it around. She isn't doing it right. We've all seen the show. She's not great at the intro.

You did somehow turn it around on Z -Way and she was running from you for the second half of the episode.

Todd ways. What were they saying now?

You can't just put your name at the beginning of a word.

Todd's just crying. When Todd took over Z -Way's show.

I'm really worried about this God complex.

It's going in the opposite way that you should be headed.

Absolutely.

Can I just bring you down to earth a little bit? Good luck.

You're back of house. You can't be around people.

That's your issue. That's why you work so well in the kitchen because you're an artist who does beautiful work, but you're completely unsocialized.

You are worse than a rabid animal when it comes to socializing with other people. I think you're lovely.

Right.

I love that.

That's what I like.

other people, I think, have difficulty with you driving over them, have difficulty with you yelling at them, have difficulty with you messing up their food on purpose because you feel like sticking it to them.

But

immediately. I see the truth, and it makes people nervous to be around me. And that's why I'm so good on stage, reflecting the world.

Back to people. We all love watching actors in movies. You ever hung out with an actor? Not too good.

Right.

Right.

Right. You don't want to have a dinner with

me. No. Maybe that would be

good for you. You are such a celeb. Maybe you kind of lean into the celeb chef thing.

Maybe that's your

personality back there. Todd chef. Todd chef. Well, maybe. It's like top chef. Oh, okay.

I think you have to go on top chef, Todd. You can't just start Todd chef. Nobody's going to care about

Todd chef. I want bottom chef. And listen, your shoes do have holes, but those aren't crocks. Those aren't crocks. Yeah. If they

were crocks, the holes would be on the top.

Yeah. You

have like

holes

drilled into the soles of your shoes. You're sopping wet from sole

to knee. I don't think. These are armadillos. Dillos. They're Dillos.

They're Dillos. Dillos are not like crocodiles.

They are the Flintstones car of shoes. They got no bottom. And then they

have a little top.

Yabba dabba shoe. All right.

Your yabba dabba shoe. Your bunions are absolutely fucked. They've never been worse.

Yes. Am I at the podiatrist now here? This is what I'm saying. Todd's the problem. Todd's shoes

are crazy. No, Todd.

Todd's bloody feet is getting in the food. You're

not the

problem. Don't cook

don't. Stop limiting me.

Your toes are all tied up. You got pretzel bunions. It's absolutely fucked.

It really is. It is. I will. In Todd's defense, we are pointing out a lot about

him and not offering

much for ourselves.

Yeah. But it feels like we need to have a come to Todd's moment. Well,

I love the way you're saying

it.

Well, I feel like Todd, you are definitely gaining. Everybody's looking at you around town. Eyes are on you. You can't make a move without making the press. I went into it. And it's good for our business. But I think you are truly on fire and burning. And listen, it's working.

Oh, yeah.

But I think you are going to crash and burn.

They said that about the big guy. They said that about Trump.

Right. And look at him, man. He's still rolling, leading the polls. Right. You know, there are certain men, me, the big man,

we don't know we're supposed to die. Right.

We don't know we're ever supposed to be wrong.

Well, I agree that that's your thing. You can't harm Todd, baby. So, yeah, maybe I will crash. But I'll never know. I'll never know. So, like, I hear what you're saying.

I am loving the attention.

Yeah. We know you are.

And it's never been hotter.

But for the wrong things. But, I mean, attention's attention. You are gaining fans.

And they do want to eat here.

And, I mean, I don't know.

It's tough to turn down a paying customer or a screaming customer.

Is someone bad if they've amassed a following? I don't think they can be. And we can look back at history.

I don't think they can be. And have a clear answer on

that. But now I'm rethinking it. The truth

is the truth.

I want to say, just restaurant -wise, I took some of your constructive criticism. You said the menu was overwhelming. You said there were

things. It was like I couldn't make one choice. So, I, with your help, took it under my wing. I was like, I know what to do with this word of mouth. I'm going to do a little pop -up at the farmer's market.

too many

Stripped down just a few items. The menu, too?

Yeah. I mean, menu and chef stripped down.

Well, there was a

pole. Menu chef and ideally customer. But that's up to them.

Oh, there was a pole. Yeah.

There was a pole. And not a pole stir. A stripper pole.

Yeah.

It was a stripped -down menu you were doing. Well, you've been taking a stripping class. Mm -hmm. Not pole dancing.

Stripping. Stripping. Very little dancing. Because the dancing is distracting from the stripping. It's the art of getting

undressed. Well, we'll be down at bikinis being like, stop with the dancing. We can't focus. Strip. Is this a strip bar or not? So do you take Venmo? But yes. But I wanted to just

get rid of my mouth. Can you Venmo a quarter? Does anybody know how to do

.25? Can I receive Venmos from the dancers? Request. Request. I don't like this dancer. Request. Request. Request. Request.

Stop your dance, please. Pick up your phone.

But

so

Right. Which we all know was a metaphor for his experience with Disney in the Marvel world. Right. Shrunk it down. Just him in a truck with Leguizamo. Leguizamo.

It's me and the pest.

Doing kind of farmer's market food. You took pest pretty literally for this one. Sure. Well, I can get Leguizamo.

So yeah. It's me and the cockroach. To be fair. To be fair. It's the biggest cockroach. Yes. In the Guinness Book. Yes.

Thank you. To be fair. It's a big, huge

cockroach. And it has skills. It has skills. Let's be honest. I've never. Like Ratatouille. That rat could cook. This cockroach is an expert suge. I mean, if you do

walk him, he does scatter towards the shadows, which

was trouble. Right.

So do I.

But what a saucier.

I mean, he can make the sauce out of

anything. Right. Right. Right. And so it's me.

He's got so many hands. You know, like when they're like, I wish I had another hand in

the kitchen. Totally.

Got

like seven. He's never said that.

Really? He's never spoken. Never said that.

Not to me. No, we just have a flow. You and I.

That's incredible. When you develop that kind of relationship with people, I feel like we have historically kind of had that relationship. Yeah. Like a sort of unspoken synergy, which I do need to sort of speak up for a second and apologize. I still do not have a firm answer. As everybody out there knows, last week we talked a little bit about how I'm not the best conversationalist and people don't want to spend time at the bar.

Right. And I have the statistically lowest amount of time that people have spent on the bar. Somehow over the last week or so, that has sort of manifested in some kind of sort of active force field. Because if you could all see this be recorded, I am sitting 15 feet away from everybody because something's going on and I'm actually not able to get within 15 feet of other human beings.

It's been really

interesting.

It's like one of those kind of like stranger things phenomenon where like I woke up one morning and I walked outside and my neighbor got close to me and they were just sort of physically repelled away into their yard, knocked over their mailbox, fell into their trash cans.

It's a really confusing thing. Your personality has somehow jumped over into the physics world.

Yes. And not only metaphorically repels people away, but physically as well. Yeah. So it's been really tough. The bar has been empty. I've been trying to figure out, devise some sort of Rube Goldberg style machine to sort of deliver drinks.

I think you're solving the wrong problem. We got to get you to a doctor. Obviously, our health care here isn't the best. We've got

everyone on the same plan. You guys have health insurance?

Oh, have you not gotten on the plan?

I haven't

gotten

or anything like that. We were looking at

Cobra for a while, but we couldn't quite afford it. So we're on Gartersnake.

Yeah. Oh.

Yes.

We're on Gartersnake insurance. And all it really tells you is if red meets yellow, you're a dead fellow.

It's not. It's mainly like... Yeah.

Other than Snake. It's a black man of jazz.

Yes. It doesn't really tell you much at all about

if you're sick.

But you have to have it.

Yeah. It's like, well, I don't know. My neck is swollen. I think there's something going on with my endocrine system. And the doctors are just like, well, I don't see any colors at all

on your neck. Could it be your underbelly? Yeah.

Yeah. Nothing. Try constricting a small mouse

and eating it. I don't know. And that's it. And that's it.

And I don't know. They really are exasperated. They don't know. And they're tired of being asked. They just want you out.

I went in like...

Hey, dude, we're snake insurance. We don't know.

Yeah. That's what they say. We're based on Cobra. We're garter snake. We talk about snakes. Okay? We don't know.

You went in for a checkup and they asked you if you'd just eaten a giant deer, right?

Yes.

It was. I had had mostly venison

over the course of the day. One of the better restaurants in town, I

would say. Mostly venison? Yeah. Oh, my God. Mostly venison.

Do

Right. And I swear to God, there's almost no venison in that thing. And I need venison.

Venison is my menison.

It's my menison. It keeps me so healthy eating deer. Yes. If you've listened to this podcast for the past nine years, you know how much we love to eat venison. Yeah.

I'm

a venison freak.

Historically. Hey.

Yeah.

We have to figure out what's going on with it. It has to be a short term fix because we're going to be opening up. People got to get their drinks. I got to figure something out.

Well, I will say the force field has a nice glowing blue. So it is attracting

mostly moths, flies, bugs that like light. But a lot of people are sort of like walking

up against the force field being like, we want to come into the restaurant. So I don't hate. Have you had anyone get through what happens to them once they're inside?

They kind of start vibrating intentionally in the closer they get to me. And then at a certain point, the energy just kind of explodes and they

fly. My understanding is that to us, it looks like it's happening in time.

To the person feeling it, it's an eternity. A second is an

hour. Wow. So they are slowly dying in sort of a black hole Howard. That's tough. And I

know the feeling. I definitely know the feeling.

Oh, yes.

Well, just like when you're dying in these, sometimes it feels like you're dying in a black hole.

Okay. You know, sometimes when you make us breakfast and we're eating your breakfast, it feels like I'm dying in a black hole.

Just eating the breakfast you made. It's just like a little bit like, I want to get out of here.

Oh, well, I guess I never knew that. I don't want people to feel. What? I don't want people to feel that way being around me. You know, I don't want to, I've never wanted to sort of repel people in any kind of way. I've always wanted people to just, I wanted people to have fun around me. I wanted to be a fun guy.

Oh, and you are a fun guy. It's just, it's some of the stuff we talked about last week. The nose, the clothes, the

hose. The

hose.

The bows.

You got to change nose, clothes, and hose to start.

Like, just, you got to.

But, like, obviously, personality -wise,

two

virginity. I think that's what it is. People are scared of the external obvious negatives.

They don't get to your

gooey center that we all know and love. We know you're a lovely, gooey guy, but we can't get past the disgusting exterior.

You are a lovely, gooey

guy. It's like a Tootsie Pop.

Hmm. Hmm. How many licks?

You hate the

outside. You hate it. It's the worst part.

Then you get inside and you go, this is nice and gooey.

But you eat a Tootsie Roller and you go, this was too easy.

Obviously,

the wrapper's impossible to get off. You're doing that for

hours. Well, yeah, you got to lick

that wrapper so many times before. How

many licks does it take to get the wrapper off the Tootsie Roller? But honestly,

that's how you know if you're good in bed.

Yes.

Tootsie Roller open,

you're good in bed. Oh,

let's just say.

Let's just say. If you can get a single Tootsie Roller open, I want a sex

roll. How many times have you been in bed and used the cherry, tying a cherry, not with a cherry stick?

I do it every night before I fall asleep. Every night. Every night.

Every night. Every night.

I never get it done. I'm tying my lady's vagina into a knot.

Every night.

Oh, you do it with a lady.

Sometimes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why it's so impressive. If you do it in the, like, you know, you'll do it with your Shirley Temple. Right. And all the ladies go, so what would he do downstairs?

Yes. Yes. You got to tie that shit up. You got to double knot that pussy up. You just have to do it. And I've heard

from women. I've heard from women. Nothing feels better.

feels better. They're screaming in pleasure.

Nothing

We have heard from women. Look, I want to say this, Howard. We, the bar is the business. Yeah. That's

our lowest overhead, our most money, so we need to find a way to fix this problem. I've been

doing some research. To fix

this problem. Yeah, I've been doing some research on my own to try to find a

solution. Oh, good. That always works. And I did find a man on Craigslist who claims to sort of give men tips on sort of connecting with people.

That sounds

perfect. Oh, I love this. It's kind of a thing you can go

to. You got to

get in your masculine

energy. Yeah, you can go. A Craigslist guy who dresses crazy and pretends not to be bald and puts his hair really tall.

That is what his

profile picture looks like. We've seen this guy. Dresses nuts. Talks to a bunch of losers. Makes them

confident. Yeah, not bald Roger from Craigslist. Yeah. So I'm going to.

I believe him. I believe him. Not bald Roger

is so trustworthy. Oh,

you say what? Not bald Roger. Puff his muscles, not alcoholism. Yeah.

Puff his muscles, dude. That's an expensive course, but it's worth it. Yeah. Puff

his

muscles.

So I'm going to

go to. You got a meeting with him? Well, I'm going to his two -day seminar this weekend. Oh!

The seminar.

Yeah. The seminar. Yes. The not bald Roger seminar at the

Ramada this weekend. That's amazing. I can't wait to see you when you can. Man only. Yeah. And in his response to my email, I told him the situation. I told him I've had a lot of trouble repelling people. Used to be figuratively. Now it is literally. He's like, I've seen people like you all the time and I have made them see results. So I'm hoping that the seminar this weekend with not bald Roger

can really set me on the right track. You have to get in your masculine energy. Exactly. Yeah. And the best way to make women, friends, anyone like you is to choose the restaurant. Just choose the restaurant. You can't sit around. I don't know. What do you want to eat? What do you want? Cheers.

Coward. Yes. Coward. If I were a wolf, I would be eating

you. Yes. Force somebody to go where you want to eat and you will fuck.

Masculine energy. Hey, dear. How about Baja Fresh tonight? That wasn't a question. It was a statement. Five nights in a row.

Baja Fresh. You and me.

Oh, my God. She will be in love with you. Baja Fresh every weeknight. Weekends fasting. You're in your masculine energy. Oh, we're all doing intermittent Baja's. Oh, my God. Intermittent Baja has changed

my

life.

I was worried it wasn't going to work

for me. It's my body type, but it worked. 12 hours off, 12 hours Baja.

I have never eaten so much tortilla in my life,

and I am stopped up completely.

Nothing's

coming

So you're eating Baja Fresh nonstop for 12 hours?

Sure.

But it's not just that. It's the lifestyle of

Baja Fresh. Yes. It is tables that still have rice on them.

Yes.

Everywhere you go. Not just in store.

No. You bring a little packet of rice. Yes. Like chairs that are attached to the tables. Yes.

It's that stuff.

Yes. The soap in there is like, why does it look like my hands will get dirtier if

I use this soap in this little container? Yes. Yes. Salsa bar, which spills onto salsa floor. Yes.

Yes. And I love the little

on. Salsa bartending. The little hangers on on the little basket where it's like, oh, there's some melted cheese on here from a few orders ago. Yes. Oh, yes. Stack of baskets.

hangers

Yes. Stack of refried bean baskets. Signs insisting that you don't throw the basket away that you ignore.

An open kitchen where you can see nobody

making your

meal. Yes. A fast, casual concept

that takes

40 minutes.

Yes. Open flame, but on the electrical system, not where the cooking chicken.

All that stuff.

Baja Fresh is the number one restaurant where both of the words in the name are a lot. You will not

find Baja. You will not find Fresh.

Yeah.

You're going to get your masculinity.

That's what you need is your masculinity. Not Paul Rogers

is going to change everything. Not Paul Rogers. I'm so jealous. He's made me

promises.

Well, and if anything, this could be a good ad because you'll probably end up on TikTok.

Yeah. You'll probably be at the awesome

seminar and then get it put out. You'll probably get a chain wallet out of this thing.

I hope so. Whoa. A real man has never lost a thing. You got to attach a chain to it. Yeah.

Absolutely. Losing something is feminine. It should be bigger. I have chains on everything. Yeah. I have chains on my keys, my wallet, my phone,

my hair, everything. Yes. The key. You're chained to your car. There's a...

Yes. You are... Right now, there's like a full line of eight to ten chains out of the room. Thank you for noticing. I feel like not enough people give me props on this. It's crazy. I'm chained to everything.

Yes. I swear you I'd lose

Exactly. Exactly. Well, because you know how... You know.

It's one piece. It has to be chained or else it goes away.

It'll fly right off.

Yeah. Of course. I just want to make... I'm not chaining each single piece of hair. I don't have any more single pieces of hair. It's

one whole. I have one single piece. No. Yeah. You got the piece. We all go to... Yeah. We all go to tape on piece. We all get our pieces taped on every Sunday night. Nobody's got any

idea. We're looking good for the week. Do you guys

do duck for scotch? We roll

it down.

Oh. That's a great question.

It depends what I'm doing.

Yeah. Yeah. If I'm going to go parasailing or something, I'll use duck or even gorilla. Yeah. But if I'm just going to kind of go Christmas shopping or something, I'll use scotch. Yeah. I like... Some days I get tired of the tape, so I'll just spit on my head and rub it around and put my piece down and it'll hold good enough.

Yeah. If it's not a windy day, no problem. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I check... I rabidly check the wind forecast. Nobody checks the weather like a peaceman. Nobody checks the weather like someone in the

brotherhood. They don't tell you that. They

don't tell you that at the peace doctor. But when you go to get a piece, they're just like... They go over all that. Well, firstly, you need to be diagnosed. You need

to... Oh, you can't get a good piece without a prescription.

No.

Not at a piece pharmacy. Not at a piece

pharmacy. The piece pharmacy. The piece pharmacy. Tape on piece is a pharmacy.

Tape on pieces is a pharmacy that only the best

customers can get into. It's essentially a hair country club for men. Yeah. All of our pieces came in a little wax paper bag with a ton of papers that was stapled shut that we carry to the car. You know this.

Well, I have a monthly stipend of how much I have to spend at a tape taped on piece.

Oh, right. Your

deductible piece. Your piece deductible. I'm either going to go in there and get new pieces or I spend the money anyway.

Right. Every year you got to pay out of pocket at the beginning of the year for most piece.

Totally. My favorite thing is when you're waiting for your piece, you put your head in the blood piecer machine.

Say that again because I know what you mean.

The blood piecer machine. So it tightens up. It tells you your blood piecer.

Oh, yeah. Sorry. The blood piecer. You put

your head right in there while you're

waiting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I used to try to get my mom to let me do that when I was a kid.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. And she would always be like, this isn't a joke. Right. This is really serious. Right. I know men that really need this and I'm not going to let you do that. Well, you're about to know another one.

I hate to be abrupt, but I have to take a leak.

Yes.

Is that okay? Yeah. Yeah. Of course. No. You got to. When it's time to leak, you got to speak. Well, I've had to leak for over an hour, but I hold it as long as I can until it's an emergency. And then I

demand. You've been having to pee for over an hour? Over an hour. We didn't start recording even an hour ago. You had to pee before the

recording? I'm crazy. Sometimes I have to pee for so long.

Okay.

Well, yeah. Well, let's just take a quick five for piss. Yeah. It

might be closer to a seven. Okay. Quick seven for piss.

That's fine. Easy.

Your first time at the Not Bald Roger seminars?

Oh, yeah. This is my first one. I'm Howard. Nice to meet you.

Stan.

the house is the holy. Yeah. Yeah. Led Zeppelin 1, Led Zeppelin 2. Nice. Their albums,

yeah. Led Zeppelin 3. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, they're great, man. I, you know, it's a little loud for me. I typically go for stuff that's a little quieter.

Love your shirt. Are you a huge fan of the big dogs version of the Sopranos?

Is that what this is? I just like the dogs.

Oh, really? Yeah. I thought this was original. No, that's the dog father, yeah.

No, that's not the dog father. I don't know what it is. Yeah, I thought this was just a funny original design with some dogs on it. Oh. I didn't know it was based on an IP. Maybe I'll check it out.

Oh, yeah, yeah. This stuff is great.

This changed my life. You know, I've had to pick up a few more jobs just to afford these. Gotcha. Gotcha. My family respects me again. Wow. I'm asking for a raise all the time.

Wow. You know, it's just.

At the same job or different ones?

Well, yeah, it's constantly getting

fired because I'm asking for raises in pretty aggressive ways. That's awesome. And just so you know, I'm sitting this far away. It has nothing to do with like my. You're who you are, but I have this weird thing going on. I don't really want to get into it.

I tried to get

close to you and my foot started to hurt. Yeah.

Oh. Oh. Are you allowed to park inside the banquet hall?

Oh, wait till you

Hello.

Hey, my

name

is. Hey, how are you? My name is Craig. Hey, strong.

Yeah. I can't really.

You got it. You're probably vibrating pretty bad.

strong.

This guy. Sorry. You got it. This guy came in here. Tight. Capri pants. Bow tie. Short sleeve polo. And look at him now. Wow.

He looks like he belongs on a motorcycle. Hello, Stan.

Good to see you, Craig. Yeah. My man. Hey, man. I'm surprised you got home from the happy hour we did the other

weekend. Oh, wow. I drink and drive

all day.

I'm a man. Wow. Oh,

man. What brings you here? I'm fine to drive. Oh, he's fine to drive.

Craig, fine to drive Davis.

Oh, everybody. The best part is when Nightballed Roger gives you your new name. Oh, I

can't wait for that. And it's a thing

that you are for sure.

Yeah. Oh, I can't wait for

that. That's exciting. Oh, Craig, it's great to meet you, man. Nice to meet you, too. I'm Howard. Mind if I put

my leather

here? Sure. Got some pelts. Craig quit his job as a CPA to tan hides.

walrus this morning. Wow. Wait. I saw that report on the news. Yep. The walrus from the zoo is

This was a

Craig. Unconfident losers. Adult losers.

I mean,

yes. Baby boy in adult men bodies. Uh -huh.

Find

your seats now. Wow.

No hair. I mean, not bald Roger is about to

come out. I love when he

does his own intro. That's a prerecord.

He obviously didn't want to

take, which is something men never do. Why would you ever need a second take?

do a second

Don't dance. Whoops.

Little

boys in big bodies.

Stupid pussies. Fat losers. Probably. I haven't seen the crowd yet. Get ready for hair. Not bald. Roger. One take

wonder.

Yeah. What's up, gentlemen?

What's

up, ladies? Ladies. Ladies. Ladies. That's right. There are no ladies here. Or at least there shouldn't be.

Yes. Look around. See if there's a lady. Is that what? No. Now, you're all here because you're betas, you're cucks, you're losers, you're pussies, you're sad, you're miserable, and you want to kill yourself. Yeah. I'm going to tell you how to not do that. Yes.

I can

smell the estrogen in this room, and it stinks like a fat fucking fart. Yes.

He here. Craig, it's good to see you back, my man.

It's great to see you. I did my homework. Went down to the zoo, killed a walrus, brought in its skin for you. Thank you, Craig. Now, Craig is what I call my main pupil. He's the furthest along in my program. Yes. And he keeps coming as an example. Listen, you, your name is Howard? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's my first time here. You suck.

Oh, yes. Even your voice sucks. Okay. You're deferring at every moment. Oh. You walk in and you live as an apology. Yes. Be more like Craig. Okay.

Craig

is now an arsonist. Craig is a poacher.

Yes. Craig is a thief.

And

a pirate. Craig is a

man.

Okay. Yeah.

It's okay to be jealous of Craig, but remember, jealousy is how women feel.

Yes. Very good. I just want to be Craig. Stan is a number three worker. He's been here for three weeks.

Wow.

And he works for me 70 hours a week now.

That's what

Stan does. And he's on his way to being one of the most manly men of all time. And Stan,

what was the first step that you made a change in as you were on the program making adjustments?

Telling my wife her ailing mother had to move out of the house.

Yes.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

That's, wow. I'm going to stop you there, Howard. How is she? Shut up.

When you applaud, when you applaud,

you need

to be grunting. Good chops. Good chops, everybody. Chop.

chop is a physicalization of your anger and your frustration. Yes. Okay. Yes.

A

Howard,

you have the floor. Okay. Why are you here? Well, the last couple of weeks, I've just kind of been struggling to connect with people, mostly in professional scenarios. videos. I've

developed - Never admit struggle or defeat. Good, Craig.

That's how Craig got his nickname. Redo the sentence. Okay. Things have been challenging the last couple of weeks professionally because I've developed some sort of active force field that has propelled people away from me. And it's made a -

I'm going to stop Howard right here. Everybody listen to me now. I'm sick. Can you - I'm

sick as a dog. I'm sick of hearing him. Is anybody

sick as a dog listening to

Howard's little soft voice? Yes, I'm sick. He's an apology. He's living as an apology. His pants have no holes in them. And he looks so regular. If I see you on the street,

I would probably walk up to you and go, do you work at Old Navy?

Yes.

Craig knows what I'm talking about. Because you are weak. Okay. You are

sad. You're afraid to

take up space.

I don't want to be that anymore. I don't want to be that anymore. That's why I'm here, not Bald Rogers. First things first, I need you to change your voice. Okay. Every word you say is a message to yourself, an affirmation that you're a little baby boy or baby girl.

Can I suggest a thing that helped for me was that exercise we did where we all found our natural voices.

Okay.

that. I love that. You start with a grunt, a man's grunt. Uh. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay, almost. Uh. Yeah. Uh.

Uh -huh. And now turn that into words. Pizza. Nice. Yeah.

Let's all give a hoo -ah. Hoo -ah -ga. Hoo -ah. Hoo -ah -ga. Hoo -ah -ga -jah -ga. Pizza, pizza. Oh, yes. Yes.

Okay, you're jumping ahead. You're jumping

way ahead.

Little Caesar's mascot isn't till tomorrow.

Whoa, the chosen one jumping

ahead right away. One

of the most manly men of all time.

Little

Yeah. That's all he needs. Everybody, listen to your own voice right now. Do you hear the gravelliness?

Yes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's what people respect. That's what people respect. Now, Stan, why don't you come up here? Howard, get off the stage. Ow.

Hi -ya.

Good chop, Stan. What is a chop? A physicalization of our anger and frustration.

Yes. Yes, sir.

Now, Stan, you're brave, right? You're a man.

I am now.

You're a level three.

Yes.

Pull down your pants and show everyone your penis.

Let us see

it. You got it. No hair. But, uh.

Not bald Roger.

First, I pulled down my loose jeans.

Thank you. Yes, real loose. Belts are for scaredy cats.

White underwear from Ross Dress for Less.

Good. First layer.

Multiple layers because we are going to get streaks as men. Streak your underwear.

Be a man. Part of being a man is accepting the consequences of being how you are. Streak. So that's. You show. Now, he's taking off his first streak -free pair. As you can see, he's showing you the back. Clean. Well, pretty clean. Clean as a whistle, I was going to say. But it doesn't look like a moose track. It looks like

a hot sauce stain. It looks like he smartly took off his pants while he was eating and sat on some hot sauce. Now, that is okay.

You can have the right kind of

stain if you're a man. Ultimate streak.

Multi -layer streak.

Jealous. Craig, join us here. Join us, Craig. You're

losing it. I'm coming up. Craig, you're losing it. You're losing the room. I'm revered

to my old mice. Oh, no. It's me, Craig. Somebody hit Craig with a chain.

with a chain. Ah. Ah.

Hit me

That felt good for me to hit him. Nice.

Hit him.

Good, Howard. How'd that feel? That felt really good. I hit you. Good. Good. All right. Keep taking underwear off.

Show how brave you are. Take off every layer. So underneath the first mostly clean, tiny whities, next you'll see, of course, chains.

Chains. You've got to hold everything on. You've got to hold everything on.

Where

would my penis go if it wasn't changing my pelvis? You know what I mean, boys?

It's got a mind of its own

if it's healthy.

Yes.

All right. One last layer. There it is.

All right. Thank you, Stan. You can sit back down.

Nice job. Now that, folks, is

confidence. Knowledge in self. When you can show people your maleness, it means you don't have to hide any longer. Howard, the rest of this meeting is going to be about singling in on you. I can see

you hiding your true essence.

Look at you. You're a huge man, but you're acting like a huge baby. Yes. Thank you again, Craig.

I am nothing if not adding to you. I support you, sir. We appreciate that,

sir. And as you can see,

gave me the greatest designation a man can receive from another, being a sir. Yes, sir.

he

I'm... It was really hard killing that walrus.

It's starting to flash back. That's okay. It's

fine. Bury it deep down.

When we have a tough feeling, what do we do? We go to

the

mechanic.

Get your car

fixed

for

feeling something. Not to interrupt anything. Deeper. Not to interrupt anything. No.

Actually, deeper, deeper. I know it's hard to find. I was the same as you. I couldn't find my male voice.

Thank you, Stan. Pizza, pizza. Yeah,

there you go. There he is. There's our guy. Just like Dana Carvey, you need a way into the

voice. Not to be weird or anything, but typically when I'm faced with difficulty, I like to talk about it or think about it, address it directly. Let me pause you here. We said deeper, you went older. Yeah.

Not older. Sorry. Pizza, pizza. We don't

respect old men. We're scared of them. I'll never become one. Escape your

age. The only thing to be is a young thoroughbred. And if you're not a thoroughbred, you're bald, which is fine because you're not bald. Actually, you're not bald if you're bald.

Right.

You go to pieces.

I get mine at Reese's Pieces. Tall hair, Howard. Wouldn't you like your hair to be this tall? That's masculinity.

So don't age up. Stay the same age and go deeper. I was the same as you once. A little man with a weird voice. But listen to me now.

I don't know. Look, I don't mean to be a wet blanket or sort of throw a flag on the play or

anything. You're sopping wet. Flag on the play. Referees. No. Look. All right, Zebra. There's nobody we respect less than a referee. It's no blood, no foul. You just chummed the water.

No, it's a terrible time. Mentioned referees around three men.

Blue.

Fuck you, blue.

Get your head in the game. It's just a turn of phrase, guys. Look, I don't know. Honestly, I'm getting kind of freaked out here, okay? You guys are kind of like half moon semicircling around me. And I don't feel like the doors behind you. I'm feeling a little bit cornered right now. And I don't know if this. I'm here to learn, okay? I'm here with open mind, open heart, okay? But I'm struggling to sort of get to where you guys are. And you guys have obviously sort of committed to this process. Based on what your real voice sounded like, Craig, and what you sound like now, you've done a lot of work. So

much

know

what

you want. But then in this context, I'm like trying to stand up. And I feel like I'm not doing it right. And I just feel, I don't know. Guys, what feeling do you get in your crotch when Howard talks?

Cold. Yep. Ice cold. What else? No movement.

Yep.

And what does it make you want to do with your feet? Um, I guess Hayah Howard with them.

Yep. What else? Hayah.

Hayah.

Hayah. And what does it

make you want to do with your telephone and your wallet? Call the number that is on the screen there and give it more money. Yes. That's what I hear when Howard talks. Yes. Is a

depressing little boy. I want to text man to 4343 right now. That's a great idea. Yes. If you text man to 4343 and give 200 or more,

you're a man. Done.

I've got to be a man.

Done. That's a man. Done. That's three duns.

That's 600 of man. Done. Not bald Roger. Can I ask you something?

Yeah. Oh, you're talking to me. Yeah. Because

of the situation with my wife, who you so smartly told me to leave when I said it was either me or her ailing mother. I no longer am on the shared Verizon account. I'm on a burner phone here. I pay per text and I can't really afford it. So how could I text man to 4343? That's a great question.

We're also taking faxes. You just have to

clip the cash to the paper, fax it, then mail the original paper with the cash to 4343.

It's very simple. Nailed it. Thank you so much. I'm sorry for my question. I want to speak to this guy right here. Maybe I'm moving too fast, but what if we put the cowboy hat on him?

Oh, wow. Wow. Wow. Howard, this is lucky. We're jumping straight to week eight. What do you mean?

Stetson time. Is it like a... We go back to

when men were men.

Turn around, Howard. You've been scared with your butt backed up to the multi -purpose room stage. Look at the stage. What's up there?

A 50 -gallon cowboy hat. It doesn't fit on any little boy's head. 50

gallons.

It

takes a pretty big man with a pretty big piece to wear that hat. You familiar with the story of the sword from the Canterbury Tales?

Yeah.

Only the true

chosen one could pull the sword out of the

stone. Wait. So you mean if... Am I to understand that if I put this hat on and it stays on my head, that means I am the alpha male? That's right. If you have a big enough piece and you're holding enough water weight in your head and face, you... We have yet to see anyone who can wear the 50 -gallon test.

It's the ultimate test. Now go over to the chest. Okay. Grab a piece. Okay. Give it a little shake. Shake out some... Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. That'll happen.

That'll happen. That'll happen.

Yep.

happen. That will happen.

Check. Make sure. Because once you put it on the scalp, you cannot

recalp. The piece chooses you. You cannot recalp. You cannot recalp once you put it on the scalp.

So think about it. Do you want that on your scalp? Your bare little scalp? This is it. That's it. Will it hold the 50 -gall?

Will it hold? I guess there's only one way to find out. Yes. Put the piece on.

Mmm.

Looks really nice. A nice tight fit.

Wow. I'm going to close the doors. I just got an alert that we're getting a little bit of wind coming through. Just

close the doors. Be careful. Oh, it's

weather. Oh, do you guys

check the weather? It's a low pressure system. Roll

up on the old multipurpose stage there. We are at an elementary school. Roll up.

Wow. Okay.

Roll up onto

the

over there. No, no, no. You do a

the stairs

cool

roll like you're going over a car in the 80s. Kick up. Nice. There

you go.

Oh, piece fell off. Pick up

piece. Now you're dirty from the stage. Good. Your

back, your shirt's filthy. Don't tell them. Now make a big grunt when you stand up. Your knees are fucked. And back. Perfect. Good. Good. Now grimace.

Yeah.

Now look at the hat and know that you can do it. I can do this. Wow. Think about all the times you've been curved. Think about all the

times you've been told no.

Think about all the times your head was little.

All the people who've stood

outside the door of the bar and not came in and asked me to throw their drink to them. What else?

All the people who.

Who is you putting this hat on for?

All the people who at the grocery store waved me off to the next line. Even the self -checkout.

Self

-checkout. Waved off by robots. Who else? The lunch lady who said not for you. Who else? Did

lunch lady

out to prom?

Not for you. No.

The

bus driver who said

I'm already going. I do remember that

news story.

lady successfully goes to prom with cool kid.

Lunch

No more pizza on Fridays. Lunch lady curves boy. Yeah. Coward. Walk up to the 50 gal. Take it off of the little coat rack that it dwarfs. Put it on. Put it on. Put it on. Put it on. Put it on. Put it on. Put it on.

Put it on. Put it on.

Put it on. Put it on. Put it on. Put it on. Put it on. Put it on. Put it on. Put it on. Put it on. Put it on. Put it on.

Put it on.! Put it on.! Put it on. Oh.

Wow. I think we just had a transformation. I don't know if anybody else feels that. Yep, we just had a

transformation. Wow, he never feels transformations. Wow, Howard, give him more money. Look at

that. He never feels those. Text man before three. Send a fax that you've

stapled money to. How about this, partner? I'll just hand you a crisp, clean 50. It's not enough. Here's another one. You're way too short. Here's my wallet. Okay. Idiot, no chain on this thing. I'm out of here. That's fine. I don't need it. Your pen number, please. 4117.

Well, Howard, I'm very proud of you, sir. You've turned into a cowboy, and you've turned me into a little bit of a cowboy. And I think

that's what we're trying to do today. We're all kind of cowboys now. Is this where it feels

like to be a boy? Someone finally unlocked the hat.

Wait. So is this, hang on. Can I

take the hat off? Man across the world will start to exist properly.

Hang on, hang on.

Everything's changing now, Howard.

This is what happens when I wear the hat. You're making me

want to move to the outskirts of

town.

Hang on. My crotch is chafing like jeans are on it. Hang on real quick. Let me see what happens when I take the hat off. Oh, hey.

Wow,

this is interesting. Okay, there it is. Wow. Hey.

Wait a second.

Whoa. Now this feels good. Wait. It's like a special Spider -Man type of thing.

But what I have.

Now hang on a second. Welcome to the cowboy verse. When I

take this hat off, do y 'all remember this moment?

Hey, fellas.

How you doing? I'm bald.

I want to work from

home. Oh, my goodness. Get me back in a goddamn office building stat.

You got to work in an office to spend time with people.

Love your boss like they are your wife.

Wow. Well, thank you so much. Yes. Not bald Roger

and Craig. Hey, excuse me, guys. We have the gym for the talent show for the kids. And yeah. Howdy, partner. Jesus. So long. Yeah. So, fellas. You were there when that happened?

Yeah. At school, the guy fired that cap gun? Yeah. And guys, now look. I have this 50 -gallon cowboy hat that when I put it on, everything changes. We've heard the story of unlocking the hat.

Yeah. A la

sword in the stone.

Now that you mentioned it, I was having a pretty weird Saturday. Yeah.

Yeah.

And I was sitting there going through the line, talking like a little boy, talking like an old cowboy, talking like a little boy,

talking like an old cowboy. Yeah. I was wearing my bathing suit and my legs started chafing like there were jeans on them.

Right in

the cross. Right in the cross.

Right in the

cross. We've never

had such a howdy partner energy

in this one place. Yes. We needed that.

Right. I want to hear all the stories about Not Bald Roger. I'm

sure you

can't

tell most of them on mic.

Right.

Yeah. Let's end this so we can hear the stories.

Yeah. I mean, things are looking up, guys. I feel like a brand new person. We're going to have to use that.

for you, Howard. Being masculine, being in your masculine energy with your big cowboy hat.

Good

us.

think so. I think the next week or two,

Oh, yeah. I

things are going to really start looking up. Things are going to start firing on all cylinders. The oiled machine will be greased and ready.

Wow. This is a man.

I love it. Yes. I love it. I've learned in the last couple of days.

y 'all out there, keep listening for next week's episode and stay flippy!

Well,