Oppenhoward

I'm so sick of this shit.

What's going

on, Howard? It feels like every

goddamn time, I think that we are gonna get off the fucking ground. We get fucking run over again. Did you take that cuss class?

Yes, bitch.

Okay, so it's 101 then.

Damn

yeah! It's just so frustrating. You got a filth belt. Belt, I see. Second degree. Second degree filth belt. That's kind of good. Shit -kint degree.

Say it again? Shit -kint.

I don't know the source material. Shit.

What's the source?

Second then shit.

I think

as shit -kint

more, you're gonna realize that, you know,

use them sparingly. Set them up.

Use them as a punchline.

Not in my kitchen. Enough of that language in my kitchen. We respect the space here.

Well, you have to now. In that way only?

Todd's got - How do you mean? Todd's got, um, he's got, I see you got some saran wrap wrapped around you. You got that Bible verse tattooed on you. Yeah. Got

a

little - Todd

got a full -body tat.

Brand new tat. Yeah, I have been going through a bit of a religious awakening

about the kitchen here. That makes sense. You're a chef.

So, yeah, I got, um, you know, every morning I get, I take my bread in the mouth and I take my

wine and - You take

your bread in the

mouth. Are you talking about communion?

Or take your bread -

It's like communion. You take your bread's body in the

mouth. Well, I take the Lord's body, but it's just his bread. Bread to the mouth. I take the bread in my mouth.

Because it's in the kitchen. But we work at a restaurant. We don't have to say

take it to the mouth. We know about eating.

He takes bread

to the dome. Yeah. To the dome.

But this is a

special space. The bread of

Christ? Yeah, he takes the bread of Christ. That's right.

So it's

a

metaphor. It's a specific set. The bread of

Christ. The wine of Christ. The bread that Jesus had from the Last Supper. They didn't tell anybody. Oh, yeah. People were saying your bread tastes so bad they thought it was the bread of Christ. Like it was so hard and old.

No, that was a compliment. That was a compliment.

What was the compliment? That it was so

anointed, special? Yeah, the bread of

Christ. I mean, the Lord's bread. Okay, but it's great. Wouldn't you like to eat the bread of Christ? Oh,

my God. It's just

upsetting. And they said the

wine had a lot of iron in it. It almost tastes like blood. That's

right.

Because you grape -ladied our

own wine, right?

Before the opening. I took a spill. I took a spill in the house wine.

You fell for about, what was that, six straight hours down?

Yeah, it was a...

Well, you, of course, crush our grapes in a well. Yeah.

Right. So, you know, you fill the well to the top with grapes, and then you start stomping. But if you lose the lower rack, it's like Tetris. If the grapes fall in a certain way, you lose the lower rack, and they all connect. They all fall big.

Big, long fall. Right. Because you tried to make a well out of a sewer.

That's... It's just a hole.

They're the same thing. Yeah. A sewer is just a well. Well, that's where you get your water from. Yeah. You have a well out in the street out

front. I'm off the grid. When you all... In the water wars, when you all are thirsty, don't come crawling to me for my well water.

I don't think... The only thing that's going to crawl to you is fucking critters. Giardia. Giardia. Yeah.

I'm not worried

about it. Fucking all the poop diseases. I'm not worried about it. I put it

through a coffee filter. You have one coffee filter that you reuse. Yeah. And it's paper. It's not one of these metal guys. Well, what happens to the filter that you need to change it? It's just filtering.

more like cutting cheesecloth.

underwater. It's

You

know what

I mean? It's a little stinky.

All I'm saying is this is a special space, this kitchen. Yeah. And if

stinky.

A little

people like Howard come in and they cuss up a storm and they stop respecting the art, it ruins... It starts there and it infects everything.

I think we've done enough to ruin this space ourselves. Is this not us? Throwing blame around.

Look, I don't mean... Look, I didn't want to tell you guys, okay? But I did just get a letter from the county health department. The

county or the city? The county.

Shit.

Okay, that's worse.

Yeah, it's spreading. It's bigger.

Word is spreading.

They

are... If the state shows up, we're in trouble.

Oh my gosh. And don't get me started about the coast. The coast. If we get a letter from the coast... Well, it's

not the coast. Is it... I don't know what the letter says yet. Is it an A plus to put on our window? Good question. It said we need to pause production of any edible goods.

wrote

it?

That's how they

Pause. Okay, a pause. It's not

a

full in. We don't have to serve the pause anymore. That's fine. That's fine. No more edible pause. Easy. I think you're reading... People will be disappointed for sure. I think that's wishfully reading what it's saying. That sentence wouldn't make sense enough. It's saying they're... Spell pause for me.

P -A -U -S -E. Ew.

We call them lady parts here.

Are you conflating

menopause in some fashion? I think he thought you spelled out pussy.

Oh! I think that's what he thought. That's what he spelled

out. We've all been to school. We're teachers. We can spell.

P

-A -A -Stress. That's why. Well, that

explains why your

internet profile... That explains why your away message on your email was out looking for pause.

You can't... What do you mean explains? I don't know why anybody understood it to mean anything. It doesn't

actually mean anything. It's a great away message. You never get a follow -up email.

That's your away message. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nothing about out of office. Nothing. Out looking for pause.

Well, so the health

department... It's looking

like

what... I'm going to note that spelling change. The information here is that their test results are on the way.

Uh -huh.

Damn. Jeez. Super spreaded ground zero.

Yeah.

That's horrible. That's really...

Well, we've got to go back into Iraq then.

No. Last

time. Let's get him. Todd. Todd. Let's get him. Can we please...

Can we please be responsible for once?

Can we please... Todd already putting on an outfit that looks like Dick Cheney hunting. He's

going to start running. Last time

this happened, I got shot in the face. He's got a vest. Bryce Orange. He's got a vest. Last time Todd went hunting, I got shot in the face. Do not put that vest on with quail in the pocket.

Please. Dan quail?

Why are you

getting around

Dan quail? Sorry. Potato.

Man, can't spell potato. He said

potato

like E .T.? I thought it was a

have to

spelling thing. We

We have to move on.

We can't spend too much time with this, but yes, Dan quail said potato like E .T. and then left.

I guess if you can't spell something, you would stay frustrated on it. You would sort of kind of keep

reciting. If it made you not be president or whatever he was

doing. Yeah. And I'll tell you what. He almost had it. We remember him and his politics.

Oh, yeah. We know three things Dan quail

believes. Yeah. Was he tiny neck,

big head? Must have been. Oh, no.

That's Lieberman or Perot.

That's Perot. Or countless other

75 -year -old

white men. Who was Mr. Seatbelt? Nader.

Nader, Mr. Seatbelt. We, of course, every politician is just Mr. Thing.

Yeah, Mr. Potato, Mr. Seatbelt. Mr. Good Warming, Mr. Seatbelt.

Well, what does this mean? So the county wants us to take a pause. I'm more interested in like,

this was our grand opening, and I don't know how you guys felt about it, but I thought we flopped.

I thought it did not go as well as we thought we were going to. I

felt like we belly flopped.

Yeah.

I'm not proud of us.

I was underprepared that day.

It's

tough, guys. I mean, a lot of things were underprepared.

I was underprepared. The state was underprepared.

The toilets were underprepared. Of course, the toilets. Everybody's been on the toilet in town. Yeah. It's a day off.

It's a

city day off. Well, it's good news for Todd because the wells are full.

He's absolutely bottling

water. Don't come to me. Don't come to me for water. It's going to be a huge markup when you need it. It's going to be a huge markup. Todd dressing up like Waterworld, man, already. Todd, stop having so many outfits to quickly change into.

I got to look like what I am in that moment. You

have to. All right. Well, I have an idea for the restaurant, a literal idea. Okay. We got to close. We have to close it. We

open and we grand. What about a grand closing? Big shake. Grand

grand

closing. A grand

closing.

That way it looks like it was on purpose. Grand closing. Yeah. God damn. The way it home lets you sip it again.

Jay -Z. It's like a. No. You know. You know. You didn't just make up a Jay

-Z verse. I just thought of all those

words. Todd, I got to. No. Sorry. It's okay. Todd, you're the biggest liar I've ever met. And it's sometimes really

frustrating. It's really frustrating. I'm trying to be honest. And you're saying. You would say that to the president of the United States? Accused.

No. I would have no reason to.

And he's not here. You're talking to him. I'm him. I got elected.

Or like people made me the president. I'm really important. Do you guys buy the shit? Look

at Todd. He's trying to say he's the president. Todd, we know you're not the president. Okay. I lied.

I lied about

that. That's the first lie I've ever told. He's coming clean now.

The thing that people like you don't understand is we can all

see you. We always know. You dress it up like Christ. He's putting himself on the cross. Accused.

Todd, this is four costumes in ten minutes.

This

isn't working. If you can only

change

this quickly in your plays. This

isn't working. Something

about lying to me. I mean, telling the truth makes me change way faster than a quick change in a play. I mean, I think that that maybe is actually an interesting segue into analyzing what goes wrong here. Because it does feel like the same kinds of things keep on happening to us. We try something. Our fatal flaws. I hate to talk about it, but we all

do

flaws.

have fatal

It's almost like around the sixth episode of every time we do this,

something crazy happens.

Do you feel like... And I don't want to make this such a big conversation, but do we have no free will?

Right. Because that's kind of how I feel, and it's also what I say when I get accused of things or on trial. But

I really feel like... And you said don't free Willie.

No way.

You are dressed up as the Lord's son, so it

makes sense. Don't free Willie. Unless it's Slick Willie, free our man.

Tom, you are the most confusing person on earth.

He's not in jail, but he kind of is in our brain.

Exactly. That's what I'm saying. He's never beat the allegations. What I'm saying is we try to change every year, and we stay the same. And I almost feel like, what if we are the AI already?

Right. What if our lives are simulated?

Because you've tried so hard to not blow people up, not make people go crazy, keep one thing clean. Right. And what did your car look like this morning? It

blew

up. It

was dirty. And I killed a person.

But that was

an accident. We've been doing this broadcast for nine years, okay?

And it's still happening. I mean, Bill, what about you? You've done everything you can to look like you grow normal hair.

Everything you can.

Everything.

And where are you today?

Chia Pet

hanging Petri dish. Upside

down hanging Petri. Hanging out with Jean

Charlotte.

Standing next to guys with long hair and pretending the wind makes it

your hair.

Getting in the way of hair.

Gives you the most sneezes you've ever had.

Riding in a convertible behind Fabio to look like his hair is on your head.

Pigeons in your face every time.

Every

time.

He needs a windshield. That's what we know about

Fabio. He needs to put the window up.

But again, sometimes you just can't get past this trauma. They just keep recreating.

Fabio keeps getting hit in the face by that bird. Yeah. I mean, Howard, what about you? All you've tried to do is have sex and have people want to talk to you. What happened to you this morning?

I paid a woman to come over and tell me she had a great night last night.

You wanted her to wake up next to you and make you

think you had sex. So it was just a morning goodbye is what you wanted.

Yeah. And what happened? But the things were going

well

and

there would be a follow up.

And she refused to give it? Yeah. She cooked all the eggs in my fridge. Wow. Didn't leave any for me and she left without a word.

She ate 50 eggs instead of waiting to say goodbye to you after faking a night of coitus. Howard, you've got to change. No cursing. I don't think it's possible. There's

an

not

Was it Donna the Bodybuilder? It was Donna the Bodybuilder. New character. The

bod.

Donna the bod. Donna the bod bodybuilder. We don't

talk about her

enough, but it was Donna the

bodybuilder. Well, I mean, I don't talk about

her that much because the rest of the town is.

Obviously, she took most of your bronzer. You're white as a ghost. And you do look like you have a bit of a protein deficiency. No offense.

No offense. You don't have your 50 eggs in the morning in your bronzer. You look almost like me.

Whoa. Don, I think you're on.

Accused.

Accused. And the accusations have turned.

The accusations. The accusations. J 'accuse. I think you're on to something here, Ty. Because when I think about it, it does kind of feel like we're kind of like on a. Yeah. Like a Mobius strip.

We need to watch the door for anybody.

We need to watch the door for anybody involved in the O .J. Simpson

saga. Oh,

yeah. Right. Because they're not coming to save us again.

There's no reason anyone from the O .J.

saga should be at our restaurant. No. And yet it's like the simulation

has hit its peak of knowledge.

Well, there's a couple reasons. We have pretty good food.

Very

good food. Once they hear about Meatless Juice's feast, I mean, who doesn't line out the door?

Very good food. It's the type of meal that a man bereaved from the loss of his son with a big mustache could just be comforted by.

That's who we hope comes. That's who we hope comes here is Mr.

R .P.

Mr. Pearl.

Mr.

Goldman? Pearl?

Pearlman.

Ron Perlman.

Oh, sorry. That's who we hope comes. We

want Ron Perlman here. That's what I was talking about. I hope that Hellboy comes and cries about the O .J. case.

But if we have that knowledge, what can we do to change it? You know?

Right. Awareness, they say, is the first step. Right. Maybe we could all go around and say what our problem is.

Okay. Jesus. Yeah.

This is going to be hard, folks, but we got to not blame each other. We got to really look at ourselves. I'll start. I think my problem is that this season, I didn't help on anything. Right.

I think that my problem with the restaurant is I didn't help on almost anything. Other than pretending to clean.

Sure.

And making the dumpster close to the front door.

Right. That's almost all I do. I remember that. You were

clocking in and looking busy. A lot. You did a very good job looking busy. Took a

of

lot

Thank

you. From the bathroom. Thank you. And I don't know what you're talking about. Those were poops. Those were. I was poop breaking.

Right. Well, that's very big of you to admit. I appreciate it. It is so vulnerable to admit what we didn't do, you know.

Well, so I also know that if my problem is I didn't do anything. Right. I just got to do something.

That's right.

That's all. That's right. I would also like to say I did not do a thing.

I did not do a thing and I took myself out of a leadership position so no fingers could be pointed at me. Wow. Wow. Very brave of you. And I think a lot more of us do that than would like to admit.

Yep.

That's a big difference. I was like, I can't. I need to just be

a cog, not the machine.

And I'll say I like to see the humility. I thought you were being a great server for the first five minutes. Yes.

I thought you were born for this.

Very

humile. So personable. Personable. Such good grooming. I had a real purpose for five minutes until I lost interest.

Went right back to your old patterns. Yeah. I was like, what's the point of this? Even if I do well, it's just to serve

the owners.

Mm -hmm. Which I guess technically is what I am. I mean,

but then who are you serving? Uncle Sam. You're paying your taxes to your Uncle Sam. God, this is beautiful. Which Uncle Sam is never giving those to the government. When I give him

my father's brother, Uncle

Sam. I give him all my tax money.

I have a feeling he's using a lot of it to keep the beard up and the big red, white, and blue hat. I feel like he's got

more than one red, white, and blue hat. He becomes more Uncle

Sam every year, doesn't

he? I think that's where the money's going.

Fireworks. Big flow. Yeah.

It is. He's doing pretty well looking like Uncle Sam. Big, long, huge chin face. Yes. Chin face.

But also hunting Bugs Bunny, which I think is a different Sam, and he doesn't know

about that. Right, right. Two big

guns.

Yes. Yes.

He's got to get an Uncle Yosemite Sam vibe. I

think that's where your money's going. He wants...

Not to mention whining and dining Big Donna. Big Buff Donna. Bodybuilder Donna.

Donna the

bodybuilder. Donnie the bronze bodybuilder.

The bod. Donna the bod. Donna the bod. He's whining and dining her. Those two out on a date, the restaurant's eyes are all on them.

Well, everybody thinks they're about to get their ass kicked. Everybody.

And their money stolen. One of the two. Uncle Yosemite Sam and Donna the bodybuilder sharing dinner

together over a

candlelight.

Uncle Yosemite Sam.

Both of

them mad words. Well, Roman candlelight.

Very, very

patriotic. Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

You know, and while we're... Yeah. I guess while we're all sort of admitting what we did this season that

we always

do... I'm talking about the man in the mirror. Ah!

Keep going. I just... I tried too hard. As I always

do.

I pushed too hard. I...

It's not

quite what the rest of

were doing. You know. You've quickly placed yourself above us.

us

no, no,

no, no. That's

not what I mean. That's not what I mean. You are taking a lot of classes currently.

You... Cussing. Not Bald Roger.

What was the sensei one? Yeah.

I don't remember

exactly. Yeah, you're trying to become something else really hard that

you will clearly never become. I think that's what it is. I... I... I... I... I did like I always do, and I tried to present a version of myself that is inauthentic and push it to the moon. I

pushed it to the moon, folks. Mm -hmm. You classically pushed it to the moon.

You

as

they say. We all

know.

Yes.

But no, no, no. It's not just to the

moon. You pushed it to the

moon. I pushed it to the moon. That's too far. And that's... I mean, that's... And that's a classic Howard tale. You know? Which... See... Do you think

you pushed... Tale as old as Todd.

Oh, God. Or did you just have put them all together? I think at a certain point, Howard Levis just needs to look into the goddamn mirror. Ah!

From the song. From the song.

Howard needs to look in the goddamn mirror and just say, you know what? You are a virgin that no woman has ever loved or liked even.

Wow. Wow.

And you need to just accept that. You need to accept yourself as the bottom rung on the totem pole.

You know what I think... The most solid, awesome bottom rung of all time. Instead of trying to bounce your way

up to the moon. We never talk about how being a virgin isn't bad. We always say, virgin, virgin,

once. But we don't mean that.

fuck

No. It's just a way to live. It's one of the ways.

Yeah.

Right.

Yeah. Yeah, it's fine. It's fine to be a virgin. We laugh about it sometimes. But it's not funny. It makes us...

It makes me laugh. But

it's not bad and it's not funny. But I'm not making fun of someone. I'm not... Here's the thing. I'm not making the fun.

It's there. Oh, it exists.

I'll have it.

Right. We just notice things that are funny and weary.

It's like...

And we're near you.

So we respond.

I mean, you want to... We don't judge you. We're not saying you're bad for being a virgin, but we see that you're a virgin that makes us laugh because it's not

as good as not being one. And you know, I think I take personally a lot of times. I take personally your reactions.

Right. I take it

laughing

at what's wrong with you. It's

not personal. It's not personal. It's just about you and it's bad.

You know what? And I'm hearing this and I...

Good. And all I'm saying... I think that I'm going to start living by the mantra that other people's opinions of me are none of my business.

Is that from Bald?

Hmm? Bald Raj? It wasn't from... It's actually from a different class.

I don't love

all these classes, but this is

a good lesson. It's from a different self -help class that I did at the Ramada last week. It was honestly incredible. It was a woman with...

With the Ramada one.

Yeah.

It was... That was part of your gas pass, right? I did.

I don't think we talked about this. I did sign up for gas

pass. So is it a class pass? It's gas pass? It's gas pass and it's kind of... You do sort of self -help motivational kind of seminars and workshops.

That's nice. Also, you get 30 cents off per gallon at Shell.

Oh, good. Big oil. But you have to fart a lot.

Fair.

That's fair.

I think that is fair. You're getting something out of it. Right. So you went to the Ramada. I went to the Ramada. And it was a... Taught you. So basically, you were looking for a way to get paid because you fart so much, right? And this was a perfect

card. Well, it just so happens that this card does give you bonus miles for every fart.

Okay. Well, you were like... The ad is like, you're farting anyway. You might as well get points for it.

Yeah. What do they do? They put a little filter right on your butt? That way, anytime the fart

passes

through, it creates energy?

It's a wallet. It's a wallet attachment.

Oh, you

have a brake wind

turbine?

Yes.

Turbine?

Yeah. It's a brake wind turbine. It attaches to your wallet. And it kind

of... And it generates power. Well, I was wondering why my power bill went down so much. Right.

-grid.

I'm off

Because our town is off -grid now. We are... 60 Minutes is going to be here next week to talk about how

we are the one sustainable... Town.

The town

that farts fixed. It makes so much more sense to see all those bean deliveries

you've been getting from the government. They've been subsidizing. Beans. Yeah. Leslie Stahl is going to make a joke about her last name real quick at the top of the story just to reference a Stahl

fart. You think she's going to go to Toilet Stahl? You think that's what it is? Or like...

She

might take her. Where do you think she'll go? I can't wait to find out.

That's all I know. Hang on. Let me just stall. That's how they've been teasing 60 Minutes, by the way, is they're like, we're going to do a pun on

one of our names.

Anderson Pooper, of course. Anderson

Pooper, Toilet

Stahl.

Lester Holt. That's a guy getting up from the toilet.

Thank God. I thought he was on the

toilet. That's just to

get up. Yeah. Good. Good. Yeah.

So Scott Pelley. Scott Pelley. He has one. Pee -pee. Scott

Pee -pee. He's switching.

Scott Pee -pee. He's like, I'm the number one of this news organization because my name doesn't have anything to do with number two. It's a power move. Yes. Well, we're proud of you, Howard. Yeah.

We're really

proud of you. Yeah. And that's been

me this season. I can hear the hum of your turbine wallet. Oh. Your farts don't even sound like

good farts.

I had to actually install an external

battery. Don't be worried about his farts.

If you're going to fart, make the noise.

They just don't even sound. I'm kind of there. They don't even sound that

good.

Don't be mean to his farts. This is like the virgin thing. It's not funny to have such weak farts. You're right. Where it's like every time you fart, you think you're getting hogged at by a Ford Aspire. It's like.

You're right. You know.

I don't take back what I said, but I take back the intention that you might have read from it.

There's nothing to be humiliated about. It's funny. It's hilarious the way your farts

sound. I don't care what you guys think. I don't care what you guys think. But my.

I believe you.

Yeah.

My

break wind

turbine has been making. Break wind turbine. It's real. I want to say thank you from the Department of Water and Power.

Uh.

Not that I work there. But I'm pretending to.

scene. Right now you're playing a

But just for the whole

who does work.

person

I like this. Yeah. Uh.

I'm playing a person who maybe works there.

I'd like to cosplay as a grateful person for a second

as well.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm really thankful for the garbage men.

Oh. That's nice. I like that.

Yeah. I like that. Think about how

a stretch would be. Okay. I'm done. I see. If we're doing the thankful stuff.

You don't have one? I don't know that we're doing it. Okay.

That's fine.

Sorry. I didn't know. I didn't know. If we're not doing it.

But if we are doing thankful stuff. I

just

got to say.

Family and friends.

Mm.

First of all. You get points just for the voice.

So even though. Even though.

It was short at the end. You get. I would give it to a point. Right for the end. Family and friends. Great.

Very grateful voice.

Well.

Number four. Are you going to say anything? We're all. I'm inspired by all of you.

I'm emotional. Of course. A lot's happened to me this season. That is so repetitive. Running over. Protesters. Because of my. Misogyny. Not hiring women. Or not paying them the same amount. So I ran over protesters. And then I won an apology tour. Being bad at my job. For no reason. Everyone knows how to make mashed potatoes. Why did I have to do it wrong? Mushed. And it's just like at the end of the day. I just need you all to know. I. I want to get out of this pattern. So I need to admit something for the first time.

This is good. Oh my God. This is good Todd. He's

looking in the mirror. I like

Raisin Bran more than Corn Flakes. No Todd. What?

I like Raisin Bran more than Corn

Flakes. Stop it. We haven't. Is that. Was that on the table at all? You said that years ago. Nine years ago. You told us. You told us bullshit.

That's not a big admission. It's not a big admission. Does anyone have a tissue? No. Stop changing clothes. What are you even changing into right now? A box of

Kleenex? What is the move here? How do you. How are you so prepped

for everything? He's so emotional. He's changing into a box of Kleenex. Don't let that teenager with that lotion near me.

Actually get him

out

of here. Get him out of here. Did you hire this

kid?

Todd. Did he say potato on the way out? He said potato on the way out.

Was that Dan Quail Jr.? I think it was. Dan Quail egg.

I bet that's how he had him. I bet that's how

he had him.

Dan

A bird. What that is.

We know. How

are we going to

elect a bird?

We know.

A bird and a bush.

No thank you. Bob Dole Whip. We know you're a treat from Disneyland. We know.

That's

Yes. That's what he is. P -Funk. George Clinton. George Clinton. Well, that was really hard for me to get off my

chest. He didn't do anything.

It was emotionally. It was beautiful.

It didn't mean anything, but it was beautiful. Do we think we can go into our lives different having looked at our problems? Can we make a change?

Yeah. I think

that we

can. I think that now that we are actually aware of our mental health issues. Again, I thought we were each season, but I don't think we

were. I think this time is the first time we've ever sat down and admitted our problems and looked to change them.

mean. I hope this is the only time that we've done this. I think a lot of people are going to be helped from us being this transparent.

Well, I

we are a lot like people that live everywhere. We are the world.

We are the children. Todd, your singing has gotten really

good. Thank you. I've been working on it in the shower.

You've been doing it. Yeah, it's a lie. No way

you

showered. Yeah, Todd trying to sneak in a shower line.

I believe you've been practicing the singing, but the shower

thing is bugged. The lies are getting too crazy. I'm the

president.

I shower.

They're crazy. All right, all right. I tried to slip that one past you guys.

Here's my question. Why can't we just be honest with each other? Why can't we be honest with ourselves? Why can't we be honest with the public? What are we hiding? We are four bad teachers who have become good restauranteurs.

That's the story. I do think we've never done anything good except teach.

Wow. Good point. I was a really good teacher. We're running. We're running. We're running from our original state. Maybe we need to incorporate that more in the concept.

Like that we're teachers?

Yeah, like you're coming to school. School lunch. You know, there's a big menu. Everybody eats the same thing. It only costs $2. Back to basics. Let's

go back. There's a principle. We have a principle. I think we're talking about two different things. You want to go back to school and you want to turn the restaurant into a cafeteria?

Sort of. Oh. What is your thing?

I just want to go back to Hamilton and do what we used to do.

Yes. We are so stuck in the same patterns. We need to go back to teaching at school again. And do that

again. And do that. Not a new school. No.

Same jobs. Same everything. But we act

different

for the first time. We don't run away from our lives. We actively take charge of them.

Yes. We run into our lives. And we

never. We push it to the moon. We crash into our lives. Yes.

We crash into the moon.

Into me. Satellite.

Hack up your skirt a little more.

Why do you always do that when

you're

singing?

No matter what

song. Who let the dogs out. Hike up your skirt a little more.

She bangs. She bangs. Hike up

your

skirt a

little more.

And the home of the brave. Hike up your skirt a little more. Twinkle, twinkle, little skirt. Hike it up a little more.

Todd. Todd, please. Yeah, you did that at my grandmother's funeral in the middle of singing one of the hymns.

Well, I swear to God, I gave Todd that CD for his birthday. He listened to four seconds, turned off the rest of the CD, will not

listen. It's so interesting.

That CD. I didn't know you could wear a CD down in like a three seconds.

But it's split up. It broke in half

perfectly.

It was cut. It cut glass. His Iowa CD player cut the glass. To which he said, Hike up your skirt

a little more. Oh, that's such a good part of the song. It's the only part I know. I love it. I just really think it's awesome.

I mean, I doubt they're going to let us back. Right.

Because

we've already returned once. Yeah, we've done it. We've tried. We just need some sort of grand gesture, you know, like some sort of. We could.

I think you're right. And it needs to be big. It needs to be like. Just throwing this out there. It's not this. But like we cut our hands and in blood we write an apology on the walls there.

So they know it is like, look at us. We're suffering. We're bringing you our apology.

Yeah.

I like that, but I

don't know that I want to. And I said not this. No, I know, I know. I don't know that I want to cut myself, but I do like the bodily fluid part.

Vomit? Or I just don't want to hurt.

I love a pitch session. This

is great. It's just whatever right now. And we'll get there. It doesn't have to be that.

I don't really want to V personally. It's

for me.

not

V

-Man.

I mean, I'm V -Man. What's the kernel of the idea that we like here? It's the grand gesture, the

sacrifice even.

You tell me, Howard.

It's showing them sacrifice. It's putting our comfort and our well -being below the gesture of we're here to serve you. Yeah. Right? Right.

We used poop. Well, I was going to say.

P -Man.

P -Man.

P -Man. He was V -Man. What

if we offer, I'll offer to offset the school's energy bills

with my

break wind tunnel.

That's

Yes. We'll stuff beans in here and you'll fart out. And here's the thing. I've seen their football uniforms. They are out of money. I saw their play way out of money. You should see those sets.

Todd, I saw pictures from the sets. They're a thousand times better than the ones you would put up.

Not after they lit on fire.

Big non -accident. Are you saying you were responsible for the

play fire of 2023? They got Todd on CCTV. They got him on CCTV unloading 30 gas cans from the back of someone's car.

No residuals. That's why we're striking. You end up on CCTV.

They've been using your likeness on CCTV, you claim, for every crime everywhere

all the time. This is what we're fighting for. Every crime everywhere all the

time.

My mother is a teacher. My dad is salt of the earth and so am I. That's why I'm an actor.

And that's why I fight with my union.

Also, the strike is over, Todd. I don't know.

Oh, I quit. I

quit.

What do you mean you quit? I had no idea. I haven't been following it at all. I haven't been following it at all. So now you quit? What are you quitting? I'm going to go act again. I didn't know the

strike was over. Again. What? Again? What do

you mean again? I don't think

you could say again. Todd was only working at the restaurant because he's such an actor that he knew he had to strike. Yes.

Todd. Yes. Now that the strike's over, I got to go back to my dream, which is being on the stay, the movies. I think having a more specific goal might help you meet your

goals. Being famous. Being the most famous guy on earth.

Here's my question because I think we all have, I don't know, what a doctor might call delusions of grandeur like this.

Quack.

Stop doing your duck impression. Please.

Well, I'm going back to Hollywood.

I got to get my stuff tight. I'm so tired. Go ahead. Sorry. Excuse me. Don't put that on your resume anymore, Todd. That I can do duck? Great duck impression.

Oh, now that you can't do ducks anymore.

It's

not a race thing, Todd. It's nothing to do with race or identity. Nobody wants to see a human

pretending

to be a duck. If they need a duck for a shot, they want it to be an actual duck. They'll just shoot the duck and have someone do VO, voiceover. He doesn't even know what VO is. I mean, I don't think. He doesn't even know. Writing it down.

That's the one thing I will say about Todd. Whenever you say something he doesn't know, he does write

it down. He does. It does make you feel heard. You have to get a book, not just write it down on random sheets of paper that are always flying off. Left gas, right brake.

Hang on.

Sorry. You got my paper there. You're

going to be fine.

You're going to be fine

in Europe if that's okay. Right,

right.

All right. That's European. I don't think

we're ever going to accomplish anything. Me either. Should we just go to Hollywood for a season? We got to make him a star. Let's go

back to Hollywood.

I

agree on you. Let's go back

to Hollywood.

I could be sexy again. No problem.

I don't care. I don't care. I think that we're losing track of where this whole conversation started, guys, which is that we feel like we don't have free will and we're just falling into the same patterns. Todd wants to go back to being an unsuccessful actor. You're pitching the idea of going to Hollywood. It's like we're...

Todd, it's undeniable. Statistically,

you are... I am

undeniable. No, well, the

statistics

of... The situation is undeniable that you are failed. Yes.

Fuck you.

That's okay. I don't... That

makes sense. That makes sense. Take the cussing class. I didn't buy that. What? You didn't buy my fuck you? No. Very good. Because

I don't cuss like that in the holy space. Remember that from the beginning? The

holy space

kids,

Whoa!

Oh, the lights just got

extra bright. Keep going, Howard. We won't let the farts distract

from what you're saying.

Eat this

chalupa. I've got

a master's degree in life sciences.

Whoa!

Yo, Kearo, Howard's fart. Do you have a master's degree in life sciences? Yeah, in biology and environmental science. Hold on a second.

Are you

smart? Is Howard smart? Do we just never know it because of your personality? Are you smart?

I'm a genius.

Good question. I have a genius level

IQ,

according to my parents. Wow. Oh, well, your parents, they run Mensa. I

thought that was geneless. Geneless level IQ.

The Levis family said you have a geneless level IQ and that's why you

can't be in the family business?

Well,

that's always the rationale. Do you have DNA? What? As far as I know, I have DNA. Oh, the garbage disposes

on. Don't let it distract, Howard. Let's have the

conversation. Eat this Mexican pizza. My parents always said that I shouldn't get into the family business because I have a geneless level IQ. And I assume that was because they did think that I was

smart. Well, what if, I mean, to me, this. Whoa, the fringe. I think. You know how they've been. This is fission. We have fission. They've been trying to figure this out. We have fission.

Oh, my God.

How do we know it's

fission?

Well, I just think. It's hot fission.

It's hot stink fission.

And I think, I mean, maybe we could use this in our next season. Maybe we could be scientists.

This is crazy.

I never realized. Howard.

Thank you. I never realized what a genius you were. TO2.

Fart electricity. Yes.

Oh, my

God. You did TO2.

Now

you have a fart.

Yes. Yes. How did we miss how big of a genius you are? We've had our heads up our own

asses so far. The freshest oxygen in the world

going in through the top. Yes. Making nasty, nasty stink coming out of the bottom. How does it hit? Which creates electricity, which, of course, flushes the toilet, which makes more of the TO2.

Oh, my God.

My Tesla just drove

off. This is unbelievable.

This

is unbelievable. This is like Wi -Fi for electricity. This is

bigger than anything on Earth. Oh, Todd's getting inspired. He's directing. You don't have my permission to use my image and likeness

in a film. He's using the fingers wrong. He's looking

through a pussy instead of a camera. You look at the sign behind his head if you're hearing her on camera. We do not use the P -A -U -S -E word in here, okay? This is a special place. It's a kitchen. Right. Yeah, I'm seeing new Oppenheimer.

New Oppenheimer? I'm seeing new

Oppenheimer. Well, what am I supposed to do? What do you think? Six hours. Nothing happens.

You, naked in a chair, four of the hours. Long

zooms. Howard, star in our laboratory. What do you mean? And help us with vision. I

don't

know how to... We're going

to Hollywood. We're making Howieheimer. Yeah. We're...

Oppenheimer. We can't decide right now,

but it is Oppenheimer. Howie. Oppenheimer. Howie, like Barbie. Oh, Howie.

Oh, my God. It's the... Oh, yeah. I'm seeing it. Let's go.

Let's put Howard in the middle of the desert. Let's live in little shacks around him for years. And let's do it. Wait. What government? When you're shooting a movie... Oh, you're saying, yeah, we have to do the real

thing. Yes. Oppenheimer. I don't want to do some kind of experiment. I feel like I've spent my whole life being somebody's experiment. What do you mean? I have to

just sit down... Well, what do you want to do? We don't have to do that.

Maybe if he fucks, it will cause the brightest light we've ever seen. We'll put on welding helmets. We'll watch him have sex. And then we'll have the new Tesla power grid. We

got to do that. Why don't we... Let's go

down to the auto zone and get some helmets. Wait. Wait. Hello, California business license department. Cancel the business. We don't want the restaurant anymore. You can cancel it. We're not paying the fees. We have an idea. Pay us back. Pay us back. The money. Pay us back, motherfucker. Those are my friends on the phone. Let us know. I mean, it's a message. But call us back. Let us know if you need their faces closer to the phone. Howard.

Howard. Get on this huge...

Wait. Get on this huge little

cart. Guys,

you guys are getting

I think

too

excited about something

without

Howard, we're strapping you down.

Genius.

Ow, that's too tight, Bill. Bill, that's too tight.

Whoa! Stay flippin'.

Stay flippin'. Stay flippin'. Stay flippin'.

Welcome back to KTLA News at 9 on 9. I'm Ted Wilson, and this is today's top story. Here in Los Angeles, the Rams are going to the Super Bowl, and everybody is excited. The LA Rams storied franchise. I say for myself, the kids and I will be in the front row. Now, with local news, it's Diane.

Hi.

Hi,

because I got the stories mixed up. The top story was not the

Rams going to the Super Bowl.

Sorry, I got caught off guard. The light went on, and I was still looking over my notes.

So sorry. I'll take the blame for that. The Rams at the Super Bowl.

Oh, we rolled it. We rolled the pre -tape. Just keep rolling on the pre -tape.

Okay, we'll just roll the pre -tape. This is a pre -tape?

What do you mean? The pre -tape became self -aware. The pre -tape

became self -aware.

If this is a pre -tape, why are you directing me live like this? It's going to be a pre -tape.

I know. Stop talking. We're recording. Okay, actually, let's just cut

that.

Why don't we just head on over to me at weather?

All right. That's Dale at weather. Let's pop right over to Dale and see what we've got in the forecast.

It is a beautiful day in the South

Bay.

And

we're out.

Thank you.

Great newscast, guys. We had a tough first commercial news. When we come back

from the commercial, we have to fix the prompter.

Hey. What is going on with the prompter? I agree. I'm saying great job rolling with the prompter. That was Steve's fault. Steve, you going to fix that?

No.

Steve. All right, well, guys. You can't keep

putting us on air with no prompter. This is why we can't have unions. This

guy is fully protected. He's fully protected no matter how bad he does. Right. Can I be honest, you guys? Steve is back there eating the biggest, sloppiest sandwich you've ever seen.

Plimpy's? He says he doesn't feel like work today. It's a Plimpy Plus.

Is it for

Oh, lucky. I didn't say Plimpy's. Now I'm not going to be able to report.

I know. Once

work. You guys doing Plimpy's for drinks after this?

Absolutely.

All right. We're back in

three, two, one. I can't do it. My wife only lets me go to the Plimpy's

one night a week.

In other news. Thank you

so much.

The South Bay is a beautiful 62 degrees right now. And we do have our very, very pretty, sorry, I can't say that, our very lovely Dale down at the beach looking at the lights.

You're Dale. You're Dale.

And we're out. Okay, guys, we had to cut to an immediate commercial there. That's your daughter.

you can't say

That's why

Right. All right. I can't say very pretty. I think my daughter is beautiful.

it.

We do, too. We do, too. I'm not going to touch that.

You keep saying things that

catch you. My name is Dale.

Dale. Which one?

D -E -L -L. My name is Dale.

And that's.

Like the farmer in the.

Yeah.

Well, guys, listen, when we come back from commercial, you're going to nail this one. I feel really good about it. Remember, the Rams are going to the Super Bowl, but that's the third story.

Right.

Right. The first story is about those teachers who are in the desert. Oh, God. Working on their science project. Yes.

Okay. Right. Yeah. And we're back in four, three, two. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do.

We'll talk about the Rams later, but right now.

And they're in the Super Bowl. Oh, now, how

many hot dogs can one? We went on the pre -tape. We shouldn't have went on the

-tape again. We shouldn't have went on the pre -tape

again. My

pre

Yes. Cut. Cut. We can't cut. We can't cut.

We can't cut actually. You can't cut me in the middle of my thing just because you walked in and said your daughter's

beautiful. What

is the logic of the pre -tale?

Doesn't matter. Folks, hi, so sorry. It's

me, Diane. We have a developing story. It looks like, unbeknownst to most of us, a... Unbeknownst. Unbeknownst to us, a... Some sort of... Beknownst.

Some sort

of... Keep going, Diane. Sorry, we're just getting obsessed with a word. The prompter's just crazy. What's going on down there, Diane? We've been hearing reports that there was a chase on the

405

freeway. Yes, there

was... Oh, put me in for a plumpies. There was a

chase... I gotta go. I

gotta go. There was a chase that ended here in the desert. The area's been cordoned off for about three miles around. Authorities don't currently know what the situation looks like on the ground, but it looks like three men and some sort of humanoid machine that's been strapped to a sort

of... Diane, is it true that they're calling this area in the desert Area 52?

That is what I have heard it referred to as is Area 52, which, of course, puts it one above Area 51.

Good. And, Diane, what's the smell like down there? Because there were a lot of complaints as the drive was happening down the 405

that it was really sticky, but it was self -propelled.

We did get reports that all vegetation on the route that the car took died. Methane poison. Yes, but we also got word that all of the streetlights and sort of electrical material was firing on all cylinders and perhaps more cylinders than normal.

Now, Diane, I don't want to push any of my little conspiracy theories, but is the tiny

alien in Mexico involved here?

Obviously, the government is getting radioactive signatures

from the

car.

Yeah, are we getting any word from the little cement alien? Like, what is that? Is it involved?

I have left word but haven't received comment from the little alien yet about...

Circle back on that, Diane.

Don't worry. It's the first thing in my mind. The man that is the car is the new Einstein. Is there any truth to that? Does he have the same hair?

Well, from what I can see, and again, we're standing about three miles out of the exclusion zone. I've got some binoculars, and from what I can see, it does look like he has sort of turned into a goofy scientist, you could say. Now, Diane, I don't want to call you out on air, but does he look tiny through the binoculars or way closer? Say it again? Does he look very small and far away through the binoculars or very close to you? Well, I can't really make him out. He is pretty

small. Diane, you're holding the binoculars backwards, Diane.

Okay, you're pretty close

happening. Okay, I know exactly how to use binoculars okay. This isn't my first rodeo.

to what's

Well, Diane, how big is the radius? They're calling it a blast radius?

How big? Well, the authorities that I talked to set up about three miles. Oh, wow.

Oh, big. Diane's hair

flying in

the

air. Feeling a

jolt of electricity

here in the studio, Diane. Did you feel that down there?

Yeah, and I feel like the sun got brighter at the same time as well. I don't really understand that. Crazy. But no, the barrier is about three miles away from me.

Very crazy. Diane, no, it's not. You're not three miles away.

You're actually walking closer with the binoculars on in reverse. I don't know. Well, if you

were as far away from this as I was, you would want to get closer as well. Diane, you're leaning on the police tape line.

Do not cross. You're leaning on it.

It's holding you up. Hi, man. This is a police scene.

I'm a news

reporter. Well, there's something I need to get on the news.

Did you hear what she said? She's a news

reporter. Oh, Diane, could you? We're here to report the news.

The cameraman is yelling

at me.

Diane, could you please talk to that police

officer? Yes. We'd love to talk to him. Sir, hi. Diane, KTLA. I'm wondering if you can give

us any more information.

He's going to zoom in on his ugly face.

Yeah.

Thank you. Wearing his own cowboy hat, it seems, but he's a police officer.

A little bit outlawed. I'm just wondering if you could give us a little bit more detail about what's going on. The people around the Southwest are really

worried. Well, there's certain information that's on a need -to -know basis. What we do have here is an unusual amount of radioactivity coming from a car. We have four men in the car or three men and some sort of humanoid. I can say with certainty that it is not the little alien from Mexico.

Okay. That was going to be my first question. Do you

guys hear that

back in the studio? I did. Diane, can you ask him why he's got on such big spurs?

Right. This is a pressing question from back in the studio. Why do you have on such big spurs, sir?

Well, I like Justified. I'm kind of an outlaw cop. I always pull first in a gunfight.

Diane,

will you ask this cowboy police officer, did he see anyone in the vicinity from the Mexican government with bags of cement, little trowels, and drawings of aliens?

Perhaps an obvious mold. Yeah.

Perhaps an obvious mold. That's for my plimpies, bro.

Yeah.

to be. Are we going later? Hold

on, Diane. Hold on. Yeah, but we thought I'd have to order some now. All right. Let's get lunch plimpies and go later. All right. Go ahead, Diane. You have to understand that with all the different things going around in the news, the little alien from Mexico is obviously hot on people's minds still.

Right.

Yeah.