1. BLEEP

whoa what there's not any rats in here it's a beautiful library this is a nice

there's anybody

that's a rat in here it's me right

you were a rat at one point

well

now which one are we talking about for the mob like you

i think you could be a rat for any if you're telling on someone you're a rat it doesn't i mean mob is is it's

the worst rat if we're going by delta statuses you guys i

think we're past this kind of stuff i think we are

i

think we've grown up a little bit more than this kind of

conversation no offense to anybody but i think that's sort of our old selves yes yes what would you like to talk about

my new haircut our new uniforms our new place i just feel like we've we've

risen into the upper crust and we're still talking about rats well let's go he threw out one two three your new haircut we'll start with that it's perfect that's what i said you said a little bit off you want it to look professional yes and you do

you do well i told him the top grows a little slower than the sides so i want a little off the sides none off the top a little bit of a mushroom cut little but

it's fancy right it fits the fancy vibe

absolutely well like teachers

who teach at an academy they don't care about their hair classically they they don't like look amazing so they're just all about this the studies

well it's i think you don't want to look like you put too much into your your appearance because then you don't seem smart you know i always

when i was growing up

said

teacher ugly fat sweaty

you you took two one of the words right out of my mouth which one

uh sweaty sweaty got that box checked and i think i will forever uh i don't know if your guys is uh in your sort of school school supplied uh apartments i don't know if your guys's acs are working but mine is not so

if i am a bit more sweaty a little more irritable just know it's because i have not been sleeping well uh and i have been trying desperately to get the maintenance

department to come through and fix the ac

i have to immediately admit to something i know it's early and i don't want to start in some

sort of this is good rat stuff

good rat it's good rat i'm admitting i'm writing on myself

good that's what therapy is good rat

that's good rat yes therapy is good rat i've been seeing a good rat lately and it's been helping me uh and what i have to say right now howard is i turned your ac around and i've been piping it into my uh into my closet so that when i put my clothes on they are nice and fresh and

cool i've been seeing a long tube going out of howard's window and

into another one it kind of looks like et where they're all running in and

out of the house and you're getting actually pumped in heat watery heat humidity

into your yeah you're taking the coolness that might exist in my because now you have a swamp heater

instead of a swamp cooler

i feel so unburdened thank you howard

for letting me say that you know what i i've spent most of my life just being upset at the world shitting on me

um

so excuse my language i know we told the school we wouldn't curse

we don't curse anymore yeah um but i you know i choose to turn the other cheek here yeah uh because i'm sort of uh looking at this new opportunity for us as an opportunity for growth for me an opportunity for growth for you todd i think maybe now you recognize that what you did was not nice

yeah and you

shouldn't

you need to rectify that you need to switch it because there are

bullfrogs here no one rectify sorry i'll re -refy it

i don't think rectify means rectum is that what you're thinking

oh

i don't think i don't know i don't that's why you you were like it's time for our annual review you were like but you will

review yes i said that loudly

it was about 75 teachers staff and everybody and i stood up and said but

you will

and i'll say i'll say todd it was wild what you stood up and screamed when we watched colin powell speak it uh

i'm tired of people cursing anus colon all these

curse words

these are

curses

yeah it's rear but hind in okay you know what i'm thinking about is that real quick real quick

never hold that i just want to say real quick before we move

on before we move on from you're going to switch the you're going to switch the uh ac unit because i have seen a bunch of uh bullfrogs looking in your window jealous of your environment in my window yes they're

jealous they're jealous of your swamp room yes anyway go ahead sorry that was just a quick no let's say that needs to be that needs to go i'll say i noticed you were trying to say that five minutes ago

and i did and i don't think it was worth it it was

we'll never know if there was a live audience for our podcasts we would know that that in fact did not work we've learned what doesn't work for a live audience since most of the podcast

it is most of the interactions we have

almost all of this does not work live so this is something you can hear that is comedy that does not work live do it alone everyone should be alone way more right now uh listen alone force your girlfriend to listen with you uh

but otherwise they don't

need that note yeah they don't need that

yeah thank

anymore thank you anus point anus point well what i was going to say speaking of the bullfrogs

is i'm not even sure if our i don't even know if we're talking to the same audience anymore if this is a new audience

of students because we've totally switched schools this and we are now teachers of the bullfrogs

yes right we're teaching our

mascot here we're teaching at the school and our mascot is the bullfrogs which was confusing when you said there's bullfrogs looking in to get into my room and i said well i'm not going to hang out with students in my room

no

but

this is a

beautiful beautiful no

no no it's not the

students it's

the

actual animals beautiful campus here we are at an academy

you've seen these on movies once every four years if you've seen the x -men it looks like that it looks like charles xavier's x -men academy

you

know if there's famously choat where a lot of the kennedys went this is obviously croak um this is

a academy nice private school the croak bullfrogs excuse me croak bullfrog academy me um which very rarely is the mascot of the school

in

the

name it's true

and is it it doesn't have to be

named after hamilton j croak yeah yes um who is uh a very big name in hamilton and he also uh the bullfrog actually is connected to that to it as well when he would give speeches a lot of times he would do a big burp beforehand

yes

and he had a

very low voice so his burps would kind

of well let's not forget his physical stature i mean he

shaped just like a bullfrog

was

of his body was neck

yes as um maybe howard's about to say what we got hired here at the croak um bullfrogs which is an academy for higher and richer

yes affluent

families send their children from all around the country to get the best education you can

get anywhere in the united states the teachers live on campus we are very well taken care

of yeah

this is a super private school big

doors big charter big dome also it's it's a very private

big dome you've seen the

sphere in vegas they modeled that after our gym

yes our gym is the initial sphere um

and we also got a fish to play here um when we open it up but we had to sign a they listened back well they had ai listen back to all the teachers lounge just before they hired us

yes

and then they gave us a list of things we cannot do if they're gonna hire us

here yes um they were short staffed not a lot of teachers want this job you have to live on

campus and the kids are have a reputation of being you know if you've ever seen those movies where the kids sort of treat their teachers like shit uh excuse me gosh i'm the one who's cursing

what what but you can say shit you just can't say anus or pooper oh

awesome i'm sorry oh todd that was really helpful if you keep doing bleeps we can move them over the word yeah all right thank you um but no you've probably seen in these these kids are not the nicest kids they've they've sort of been born with a silver spoon

in their mouths but it is tough because we do not get paid a lot we are

taking a huge huge pay cut because we really are more we we care more about academia than we do really i mean our needs are met

we're almost like a living super

yes we get to live here for free and we get paid a little bit but we do have to both clean the premises and teach the children

yes if we

have to if people have need fixes their garbage disposal isn't working stuff like that we have to pound at their door during the most inconvenient time and bring in our friend freddie who can do any sort of can i be honest i feel like that's why i got the job because in my interview i talked way more about being annoying at the front door than i did about any sort of teaching stuff

oh right you led with that we were like maybe just mention that i didn't

even mean to but they seemed so interested in how i can be annoying for up to six seven hours if i really need to and your initial email was the capitalization was all over the place

it didn't respond to the first five things that were referenced in the email and they're like you would be a perfect super landlord it has to be yeah it has to look crazy in your inbox so that you so that it grabs your attention

and when you knock on the door you don't step back you you get you stay right there close and

you are they to look through the people at me why am i on a hidden camera show all of a sudden oh no thank you

yeah you are you're returning the peep yeah absolutely i bring my own people and i peep through my hole into their

hole

hole is a word todd i love your new commitment to being clean todd's new commitment to being clean i think has changed us all because it's like finally i have i don't know what you would call it like a i don't know if mentor is the right word but someone who i actually respect and look up to which has never happened for me in my life

thank you it's what i've been going for

i had a big um a brief stint at the fcc bleeping things

for a while in

between

this he was gonna say big

stint and you changed it to brief which was right it was big but brief little stint at the fcc well you did one live uh one live uh

kind of live yeah i guess well you were in they increased the delay it was supposed to be a zero second delay

but it was a two minute delay because of todd's skills

yes he could not get to the button on time in fact you added some fuck somehow to the grammys but no a words which we love right

yes yes well uh i accidentally did a two minute delay and then i piped in my own audio so for two minutes all you could hear was me cursing trying to figure out how to fix it right

rihanna was supposed to return for the first time

anus stupid freaking hole sorry that was a

stupid

dramatization thank you i think you can say curse words if you quote that's right one of

the things i'm actually teaching right now is parody law and it's a r o d y

no p a r r o t y it's parody law and if you repeat anything in a voice that sounds

close enough

that's legal it's under the laws of parody p o p o r d o d

y i'll say you

are uniquely qualified to yes to to teach that because a deep cut would be that your parent is a parent yeah that's right and i'll tell you what the shoulder is warm whenever he wants to come back it's ready it's my purchase your purchase ready

right now wow

yeah that'd be something we'll explain that backstory eventually we will get

nobody forget you learned to speak from a parrot at one point a hundred percent yes

but no this i i wanted to talk about that parody law class um i looked at your first day syllabus and it's that spongebob meme of him doing the thing with the words all crazy

oh you don't believe parody law is real

yeah that's what it is and i think that that's something a lot of these students could learn about

well it's about where creativity meets finance because a lot of these kids have the resources to do whatever they want

but they need to learn the legal ramifications or else they're going to be screwed and now you've you've received a credential to teach basic sort of law because you've been in court so many times

very basic law it's okay yes teach it yeah they said technically you've done more hours than any lawyer of all time

you've passed through the bar so many times that you're a lawyer

no that one time i ran into it it fucking hurt like shit excuse me i forgot i okay

yes so we're sorry so yeah i'm doing a light law class it has to do with copyright law and entertainment and that's great because these kids like we said are are are they come from affluent backgrounds a lot of

them are going to have jobs in the future there's going to be actors

there's going

to be people who are entrepreneurs who need to know the ins and outs of business

and i

think you know we also bring a unique perspective which was what i leaned into in my interview when i got the job here of bringing a sort of common man perspective to

these

extremely out of touch

i'm sorry sorry i just tried to give you a little back rub there just to show you were the common man i didn't realize it would hurt you so bad that was howard you've got a really bad sunburn uh i do um because of course on move -in day uh i left my keys uh in a bathroom in a public bathroom uh i couldn't get into my apartment so

i was sort of stuck outside for is that why the roof's gone

i did i climbed up on the roof and i sort of burrowed a little hole in around uh the fan exhaust for the oven because it was all i could do

i know it was the it was a bad choice you're like santa claus coming into your own little kitchen

yep uh yeah i was and so that's another thing with the ac and the big hole in the ceiling it's going to be tough to get maintenance

but you know what you are a man of the people even that

you know yeah what these kids would have done was call mommy and daddy exactly or call the dean i fixed my own you fixed your own problem and that is such a good example because these kids here i mean it's a lot of big time kids it's oh martin short's son is here

martin star's son martin shkreli's son martina navratilova's son martin lawrence's son is here it's a very specific school

yeah um and so they need to learn and they're all going to go into the entertainment and stuff like that we know that you know the children of entertainers are just going to do the same thing

yeah so we have to teach them the grounded world which is what you're here for and a big thing about it too is it's not all creatives you know there's business people here uh bezos's kids are here uh

elon musk's kids are here yeah

wasniac's kids are here they're weird

as hell

i hope that us our example doesn't further their want to not be normal even more

right and want to continue in their parents footsteps but i don't think it will i mean there's some clear you know troubled kids who have a bad attitude who maybe grow up grew up you know in a house where their parents were working all the time they weren't there they're raising themselves but a couple of them

are really gifted

oh but they got really bad attitudes yes

and we're gonna get through to them

and they need an attitude adjustment and we are the attitude adjustment bureau

here does anybody know being gifted with a bad attitude better than us i mean i would say that's one two three

four very skilled and to be honest on our worst day we don't have great attitudes you're right

um what i'm realizing here is for me one of my goals for this season of the podcast is i would like to show people how actually accessible we are

that's a great idea so i would like to start by doing something uh it's my fault we should have done this from the beginning but if you're listening to this for the first time ever this your first season the teacher's lounge thank you so much for being here thank you

we're so happy to have you

you

we love you

uh i am todd padre i'm a theater teacher i'm an actor i'm a writer i'm a feminist i'm the world's only winner of the rasgot that's a razzie for music film television uh and painting

that's new right

you just got that one yeah well they every time todd gets an award they just add it to the rasgot yes the rasgot has gotten it's the rasgot ghoul now yeah

rasgot ghoul

remember

dark knight from the dark knight raz all ghoul

yes that now it just happens to be that all the things i've won spell out rasgot ghoul um no relation but um that's who i am and i'm now at this school and they have brought me in to teach um theater and uh performance for the future so what i'm

doing is i

am pulling in the technology and knowing that the modern world is going to be different for these young ai todd performers well part of what you're doing is teaching the kids how to imitate ai

that's what we've got to do is we've got to beat the ai um so uh we're taking on ai head first in my

classes yeah we it's kind of similar to the parody i think we could even work together and for me you're inputting models of ai into human brains and trying to train them to outdo the ai

yes um so we're doing we're doing a triple blind study

which is a human without ai a computer with ai and then a human with ai in their brain

right and we're doing a play where people try to decide which one is the most realistic and you

have a blindfold on the whole time yes i'm triple blind myself while i'm doing it which means a blindfold on my eyes my nose my mouth

thank god you'll be very unbiased that way

that

way i can't be biased at all because sometimes i'll breathe in and i go oh i could see that

i weirdly i i saw you uh uh teaching the other day or or rehearsing or whatever and you were triple blind and you were having a lot of trouble sort of rehearsing and helping the kids rehearse um but you

somehow had found a pie on the windowsill i tell you my hearing is better than i thought so i did waft over to the windowsill by ear

because you heard a pie cooling

wow

wow that's impressive we are looking to go quadruple blind um

that is so such integrity yeah you gotta plug those ears if you're not gonna

get and now do you wear gloves because you can still touch um we'll see we'll see i've got

to see oh i don't want to go uh you won't see actually uh very good well i love

your commitment todd it's very important to these children to see that the the people leading them are absolutely committed

because how can a student even learn to try if their uh teachers won't i mean

it's a hot topic you know that the ai thing so i'm excited

to see how that's going to come across oh no they're doing ai at hot topic now

we're fucked

now

time no no you took a huge shirt

oh oh imagine the huge shirts f fbi and this is not necessarily hot topic this is more spencer's uh uh

federal breast investigator

they topped it yeah

ai topped it that was really yeah better than what we have of course yeah i did like what you just did though where you sort of very formally introduced introduced yourself

yeah it was really nice it does help it's the handshake agreement

with

the audience why don't i why don't i do that i will all do that really quick before we get into uh hi everybody out there i'm course i of course am howard levis uh was the heir to the levi's fortune uh disowned by my family um everyone i uh everyone around me doesn't believe i've ever had sex i believe it was caught on camera one time or at least recorded um i was a uh i ran for mayor once i've i've taught a

host of other subjects well i'm sorry i did somebody interject while i

was no you did a fantastic job my name is sam

well there

was okay yeah go ahead

i do want

to

say howard for me and this is just for you we might have different perspectives my introduction is a way to sell myself to the audience right you went right in with probably the four of the worst things that have ever happened to you

your family disowned you no one thinks you've had sex you lost the mayor mayoral race because you showed your penis to everybody i don't know for some people that is a sell because that's being really vulnerable

yeah oh that's my really i've got to remember my

good rat practice yeah you have to rat on yourself that's been my goal uh my goal going into this is knowing that these kids are going to are going to fling barbs at me i'm expecting barbs and i

am going to just have thick skin finally and i'm going to put my head down and i am going to absolutely crush it this year at school uh what do you think is one big

success you're going to have this year because we are focused on a lot of your negatives but i see you succeed

that's a great question for the good rat

work uh well i actually have uh have taken over as the uh academic decathlon teacher so i'm going to sort of facilitate uh for academic decathlon which of course is like you could a lot of people out there try to dumb it down say it's just a trivia competition but

there's a lot of running it's swimming it's biking it's the whole thing oh well this is an academic decathlon so it's it's just i'm lost it's all brains i know a lot of people are but you know it's there's

it's it's more like a shooting archery um

uh no that's like olympic kind of events this is all why would anyone watch it or do it then man i look i'm excited for it you guys obviously don't get it i'm very excited it's uh you know there's there's a sort of reading comprehension contest there's speech and debate

oh a reading comprehension contest i will tune in what's that on espn too that

must be on that must

be espn prime they probably bumped men's basketball for that

no this is uh this is just going to be sort of uh shown on the collegiate our car or not the collegiate circuit which is a group of boarding schools uh who compete it's going to be on the youtube channel for um uh our croak academy

and what's your goal for the team are we trying to do top five in the state

because all nations they've won

10 years in a row right

right uh they did what they've won 10 years in a row the teacher uh who did it last year uh mr morrison he retired last year and i'm taking over um the team looks really really good i got some real smart kids

in there um i will say our first meeting was a bit challenging i was uh you know i you guys know i struggle to lead and sometimes i sort of let the uh the pack lead the the alpha if you know what i mean

yeah

fingers crossed they read you uh drag queen style they

they dressed you down with jokes about your physical appearance really good

reading comprehension

on you in

my first in my first day i decided i'm going to sort of do a fun thing where i'm going to sit everybody in a circle and i'm going to stand in the middle and i'm going to kind of just like go around and talk to each student to try to get a feel for who they were

they kind of mistook it as like uh have you ever seen in a football practice that thing the pickle barrel where somebody sort of sits in the middle and then everybody goes around and just like hits them as hard as they can i

don't know where they got this idea but they sort of took it as like a roast circle

and

kind of just went right around the circle all 12 kids just sort of laid into me for oh they pickle barreled you with words

damn

i mean that'll create some type of rapport between

you and them

sometimes kids need to give you a hard time to let you know like they fuck with you

yeah

yeah because like you know no no that's an okay word yes it's just it has nothing to do with the body it's about the posterior in the body and the airy bleepers um but bill why don't you hello my name

is bill cravey uh you guys know me i i coach basketball at hamilton i was uh let go for throwing a big uh a big pyrex of lasagna at the other team and then uh

um

we're sure you gotta show off your teeth show teeth during intro we're trying to do that

we've

learned a lot about hosting a podcast from some more popular ones

but yeah sorry to interrupt for teeth show um and i uh what else have i done

bill so much so much the beef diaper one of the most popular items in the

um

world yes the beef diaper i have sold all out of my stock i had a warehouse it's fully sold out when you don't try sometimes everything happens uh you know that little uh uh that little pad underground beef that sops up the blood uh whoa underground beef

mark that as an idea

that's a very interesting idea

underground beef beef that is raised underground we don't even have to see the cows anymore

especially how hot it is

yeah that should make

the cows

feel better

they're already okay yeah what what's happening to them and if we put them underground just to get them out of our side

i think that would help but

yeah the beef diaper as you guys know it stays where you put it a lot of times you throw ground beef in the pan and it sticks to the ground beef and you have to sort of peel it off and what even trash can do you put it in nowadays i don't know there's green there's blue there's black there's little bucket which one is it

my little bucket is overflowing like crazy i don't know when they come to pick that up

well now there's more

ants than

my little bucket

little bucket we've come so far as a society but now we're back to little bucket in the kitchen and i don't i'm doing it and i will continue to do little bucket if you're out there in your cities introducing little bucket little food bucket

little composty bucket little composty food but i want people to know it's only food in there and also any any paper that's been stained by the food i don't know why that but any plastic that's that's squishy not hard plastics like uh um you know water bottles and stuff the little thin plastics

cellophane cellophane the even if that's stained with food that's got to go in the black bin that's black bin

so and google guys i want you to google this every day because you forget every day and i want you to google it every day when you throw anything away

a big thank you to our cities for really making the effort they dropped

the bucket at our door and said if you do this wrong we'll arrest you

so far i get arrested at nightly at 8 p .m i'm just trying to throw away my uncrustables because i like the crusts where is the crust so you just throw away

the whole thing in the package what no i'm wanting crusts but they're

uncrustable

there are no crusts i know and i'm figuring that out and then you pull it out of the box and then you go wait there are no crusts

and you just throw the whole package well you guys know me i've never liked with my peanut butter and jelly i want it to be all lined up crust like lincoln logs bop bop bop bop bop bop oh i've seen your house it's crust logs

i have a i have a wolf away because he's he cuts his crusts

up yeah he kept going him every dad over 50 they can't do

crusts they had a 58 year old

and he's like oh

dad

you know what

and i already don't like this

crustables

i've been using them as little air hockey pucks i take them out and i leave them in the bag well they are much harder than any they're harder than diamond absolutely uncrustables are harder than diamond i use incrustable blade on my saw all right uncrustable tip the tip

if you have uncrustable tip on your skill so

everybody

in the city check out my new earrings 24 carat uncrustable oh oh yeah

wow

um i um you know this is hard to bring up because i'm recently out of relationship and one of the breaking points she wanted a yeah she wanted a 24 carat diamond i gave her a 38 jelly uncrustable

i can't believe she didn't get

that it was blood jelly it was

blood jelly oh of course you only buy the most expensive

uncrustable it was it was uh sourced very improperly and inappropriately but it's how i showed love

i'm so downtown to get it in the district

yes i went down to the jelly district uh

that place is wild you can really haggle down there forever

oh yeah just me and an israeli guy back and forth for about two and a half hours and you ended up coming back with jam

damn

damn he

told

you on the jam but anyway i don't want to get off on uh uh because i could talk about little ben for hours but

it'll come back up i'm

sure it's going to come back up it's it's something there's something there uh but uh anyway i'm of course teaching a lot of different subjects uh uh uh i'm teaching a little bit of history uh world history i'm teaching a little bit of math but mostly i am coaching the rowing team i have a little

i have the little bullhorn up in the front of the canoe a coxman

excuse me sorry it's just a word that

oh

that's gonna be tough because we might have to say it a lot

no

body that'll work what you yell for them to row is you yell you yell anus don't you

i

have been yelling anus uh i said it i i've my butt's been itchy and i said right and i said it once the first day and

they started rowing like and i was like and then all of a sudden

zoom bat out of hell right bat out of hell just like a few seconds bat out of hell yeah uh and it so i have i stuck with that

just a quick side note no the devil is keeping all these bats prisoner so when the bats get out of hell they are coming out so excited yeah

i thought they liked it there i thought they lived there i thought it was part of the ecosystem everything down there does not like it

there well they like to hang upside down when they sleep and heat rises

yeah

they

spend time in the hottest part of hell they're in the hottest part of hell to also stand up on the floor it's all it's all reverse what you want in hell

it's really that they can see really well

and they can't scream they don't make a single peep huge glasses on the bats in hell and they come out screaming

anyway none of them have rabies they're all safe of course in hell

but uh

but they were they you've been doing great for that team

yeah we

winklevoss twins were on this team and now that their um their kids are on it so that's exciting yes a lot of famous alumni come from here this is a big feeder school for

have and the

bosses yeah clemson's a good school yes if i'll say that

the tinkle

might as well it's barely in there it has one piece of ivy on a building technically but it's one of them

we'll pick suey the razorbacks a lot of people coming out into ivy from here

yeah they're opening up ivy ivy is beginning to open up

yeah

chowon county community college in

north

carolina well san

diego state ivy league

yeah it's very

much how hbo uh went away it's becoming a bigger umbrella we have we're sort of consolidating and making everything ivy there's there's a driving school that's now ivy league uh you know it teaches young 16 year olds how to drive that's ivy

yes

angry dave's

angry dave's hey angry dave knows how to turn in the right form

absolutely you've got a lot of tutors out there

but bill i am actually as your friend yes and maybe confidant even so happy you're back to coaching that's where you started

i think your life fell apart when you left coaching and before and before and while and while and

before

this is a good opportunity for you to reconnect to your roots

i think you've kind of meeting people had a coming of age here well yeah i mean everyone loves a coach something about a coach just works

yes you trust them you trust them that they're that you know they're they're they're doing the right salt of you gotta you grab a boy around the shoulders and be like hey it's okay

yeah you get them next time kind of thing it's a special kind of guy

that as an adult wants to spend all their time with 14 year old kids yeah it's a special type because most people don't want to put in that work

no but that's such an important time in those boys

lives yes you smell like them which is helpful you don't see your family because you're out there coaching so much and riding on a bus for most of your adult life

and you've been blasting the theme song to friday night lights uh on your way to school i hear you go to sleep to it at night your sound machine plays

it yeah i am in it uh so i'm i'm probably going to change i'm going to try other words maybe

get these kids that's mine

they

that's mine but because

you never know if that's just the first one you said that made them take off yeah they're already used to that one and it and our times are slowly we're we're adding

hundreds of a second

every week so

i don't know we're trying to find the right combo of guys you know there's a

lot of different combos and and i i feel like i have a lot of power you know a lot is on the on my shoulder and so much of sport is not just ability but um collaboration and

how people uh uh managing teams and i'm really excited to see you be be good at that thank you

thank you sam the man weatherman

yeah

created a museum a spa part of the body is goddamn

i don't think it is a

a spa i was the mental health expert at a school i've been to the louvre i've done many many special things in the world i'm a

museum

driver's rewriting of history well i have been there a

one way to

say it blew up i've been to the louvre i'm not gonna tell everybody everything right away i'm just giving them an intro that's bad rat

that was

bad bad rat bad rat bad rat

i've been to louvre but i blew it up

bad rat bad

rat

bad rat anyway so i am a big mental health advocate i am a big uh helpful teacher at the campus sure i was a driver's ed teacher but i think the kids knew they could kind of come to me for anything

yeah yeah i'm excited um

because there's not a lot of driving here uh it's a walking campus

yeah walking so i think that takes away kind of your addiction a little bit it does and a lot of kids are dropped off by their driver in the morning so that's nice i just don't have to deal with a lot of the craziness of the loop and all that stuff

i will say i do love the image when i'm getting up in the morning i'm having my coffee i'm putting on my nice cold t -shirt i look out the window and you're having a cig with the drivers and just chatting with them

leaning one foot against the car sometimes you're trying to get both feet against there's nothing like a taxi line and all these private drivers wish they were taxi drivers

like i

do so we're out there we're shooting the shit we're turning on our little cb radios as loud as they can go we're smoking a pack five packs an hour and we're just having a blast this is salt of the earth you stand out there you sweat your fucking ass off and then you get back in the car and turn your ac way down so everybody has to deal with it yeah

um uh is there something you're really excited for being around because i i know that you've always had a bit of a i'll say a an overground beef with um the hierarchy of the moneyed class

you're a blue -collar guy yeah yeah i've never really been good with authority because all that is is just trying to control people for your gain so if anyone tries to fucking touch me at this school i will break their

ass okay so you're not doing well with it

yeah i mean listen but you're trying to teach these kids how to stand up for themselves

how to not

be taken advantage of

by the man that's part of the law of the

system yeah exactly you want them to know the system the system's rotten from the core yes and you want to know

that so that they can now learn how to use

it because i'll say this i'll say this one thing rich people's kids need to learn is how to take advantage of the system

yeah that's the thing that they need to learn everyone should and these people they come to this school they've probably seen their parents get away with murder and they're coming here like how do

i get but i feel like they're trying to change i and i you can hope i feel like they are souring

on their wealth

they're souring on their wealth the winds of change are blowing well they're at the perfect age they're rebelling from their parents and their parents are so rich

these kids are they they think differently than us you know they're they're gen z they're gen a

gen

is

that after

what does it just go to the

output what are they going to do after z

they started way too late with

x what they were like this is

gen x yeah why are we starting it x y z

and then this millennial oh where

no

oh all of us all of us

one two

three x y shoot these pants don't even have a zipper remind me to put a

zip oh wait hold on yeah we just cut button

flies

we're here with button

flies oh this is button fly actually that's that okay it's okay i was

i was saying okay no wonder they that okay we've had a few days that they roasted your ass about having a zipper

yeah and and this is actually a good segue to what i think we should maybe go over after the break is

some of the code of conduct uh that this school has sort of imposed on us as teachers and the students this school is very strict uh and some stuff that like you wouldn't think you'd have to tell people but there is there's a pretty strict code of conduct so we're gonna go to get lunch it's amazing lunch whatever we want

amazing sandwiches amazing coffee i mean none of it all of it on china plates no there's no plastic thank god

thank god yeah it's it's very green here

uh every time

you finish your meal you see a wrestler from the late 90s early 2000s not punching somebody i can't believe she picks up every tab i think that is fantastic

every meal on china it's good for her

unbelievable um but yeah we'll uh x y b's uh examine our buttons and why don't we why don't we go grab some lunch take a little break and we'll come back for the second half of this

great

ah unbelievable i'm stuffed that's a good lunch right that's pretty nice to be back on a real campus that has a real cafeteria

i feel like we're on a college campus this place is so nice that was actual cinnamon toast crunch it wasn't the

stuff on the bottom row and the plastic bag yes i and i i swear to god i had a thomas's english muffin not just a muffin

oh yeah

nooks and crannies

uh that's how the butter gets in wait that's so good i guess i missed a i'm i guess i missed the good the good stuff uh what were you over at the french omelet station with bill wait no wait hang on i was

sorry was that a bar

wait was that a

hold on

saw your

we all

french omelet

oh wow brie cheese and perfectly aged onions

i guess i

didn't know that that was crunch i didn't know i was supposed to getting i was supposed to be getting high -end versions of uh traditionally

sugary bad food i got magic spoon cereal for seconds wow that ten dollars

cereal

well i was over there at the omelet station as you guys know i've switched from non -stick to stainless steel pans and i've been

cooking eggs at the at what they tell you to cook them out on tiktok and they come out dark brown and oily oh if you if you burn the shit out of your egg in a stainless steel pan it won't stick

if you cook it to an absolute crisp i'm like just clean the pan and eat what you like you idiot

what are we doing stainless steel pans are good for one thing and one thing only ruining your life

it's like after you cook you have to clean for an hour

it's i mean i do not so i guess what we're supposed to do is in order to not possibly inhale little pieces of teflon we eat the worst shit we've ever seen wow man is that what we do i guess so i i

i just only i'm so frustrated about the kitchen this episode and it's becoming so clear what is on my

brain you're getting radicalized by the

algorithm you know hang on you got i

think that's what you're taking on in the play thank god yes i think

yes what a what a politician yes yes we will we are in the system folks we're we're around so much walnut wood we're going to be politicians so soon sorry that was crazy not i think i went into you know or wood

y 'all i think i went into the wrong room nothing was i

appreciate you wanting to go over and above howard

where were you i

where were you when we were just on lunch uh well i was i walk i walked in there i thought we just got separated and i went into the little room where every all the the workers were eating how was that oh you had

work or lunch

toddrick please

god we don't do that anymore not

it wasn't bad that

anymore

we're recording that's right you had a nice authentic lunch i wasn't bad it was just you know i i i was kind of blown away when we got back uh on the road when you guys were you're telling you're saying it was such a good lunch i was like

yeah it was pretty good

got a one of those little hockey puck sized hamburgers with a a craft single on it oh stop describing it it's making me

i

sad i had some crinkle fries i

had a little cup of chopped up pears and uh half grapes of chopped up and

half grapes yeah half grapes you know well they couldn't afford full grapes a little carton of milk yeah

you're eating a worse lunch than they serve the students here the free lunch now where did you guys go

because we got to the we got to dining hall

you take

a left to the carving station you hook a right at fresh squeezed orange juice and you're

at almost and they're in the cereal because i walked i guess i got lost because you know i was in my phone responding to some emails and i guess i got lost and i went in that little dark elevator that's right outside the front

door

the dumb waiter the dumb

waiter that's i didn't notice it was a little bit cramped not the guy who forgets to bring us our waters no

dumb is

nice

no no

that

is

i got a way meaner word for that guy that's our

stupid

way come on guys i could get meaner we guys we know how hard it is to run a restaurant don't be mean to this guy

that's true that's true we

did that's true but i

know i went to the little door to the left of

the front door there's a little door kind of you walk down like five or six stairs

what are you getting at what movie is what is this reference i

can't

get it it's not a reference it's just it's just like a basement i guess if anything it's a reference to webster that old tv show he used to ride the dumb waiter up and down in his house

is it was a reference to web webster yeah i was making a web web web manual

it's a web

reference web reference yeah don't do web references in

here okay we're off the web but no i we barely even do that i thought i was i thought it was weird you guys weren't down there but i made i had some really great conversations with the back of house staff at

the cafeteria uh

you know i

talked to a couple people is this

you inching up to a story about you telling us you lost your virginity does it take way too long before we did not you knows a lie

i didn't i would why would i be talking about the cafeteria and then i would tell you that

i had the other half of these grapes

huh

maybe a

little

honey oh that's what it was so you were gonna lead up to eventually being like and those were half grapes because i was you know with a woman you guys is that what i know you guys are more

obsessed with my sexuality than i am honestly thank god well

someone's gotta take care of it i

if i don't obsess over other people's sexuality what am i going to do literally all day

well what am i going to do when i'm neglecting my own sexuality i have to focus on

someone if i'm not fucking are you gay or not stranger

right who's gay hey are they getting a divorce what's going on over

there let me know because i do not have sex uh

that's weird i just i guess i'll stick to closer to y 'all because i uh i felt like i was

kind of

going into the underbelly a bit when i where i went to get lunch

yeah it's worth it i can't think of a better word there's a better word but it's where the poor people eat

well let's let's use it as a metaphor the whole school is a bullfrog right yeah

you were in the underbelly yeah so you kind of went

down the thin -skinned gullet and you were hanging out in a frog well yeah there is a waiter you can take and see the real world here

right uh where are you saying there's like the real world

there's an elevator below this

school there's an elevator you can take and you okay you see where regular people

were like we've all seen the movie us yes i think you might have been having lunch with some shadow

characters oh yeah were any of them talking like this

well nobody actually ever said any words to me

uh we're all doing crafts with giant gold scissors i

better watch this movie if we're gonna do it

uh no what

what

to talk

about

year uh and kind of

what our cell was here is they've got the leaders of the future competition every year

here every year uh where all the private schools in hamilton in the adjacent hamilton area compete with each other in various physical mental emotional and political events to see who are the best kids

right which of course i mentioned before the academic decathlon is a part of again it's not a physical competition there are physical contests but it is a the mental sort of uh intelligence side of the competition the

winner is well -rounded you can't just be smart and rule the world you can't just be strong and rule the world you can't just be emotionally intelligent rule the world

how are you going to get into one of the top ivy league schools like clemson if you're not getting these little things on your

transcript yes and so we are going to help build well -rounded students um i'm personally excited um uh i i wanted to kind of share with our audience and you guys share after my near -death experience i've turned over a new leaf

are

you talking about what

happened at the end of last season or

no one reason i don't really remember how that one ended none of us do no i think it was a nuclear explosion which why don't you tell us what you're talking about yeah um well um i was being intimate with a woman

um conversation

uh no physically

in um

in the bedroom

um

oh and she started to um unbutton my suspenders

ooh la la

and those things are tight so they're whipping up to the ceiling clapping on the ceiling

and it's not just one button it's it's a 30 piece it's a

button

30

suspender which is um i saw

on a well you need them to secure

i need them to secure my

pants get my pants filled down i tried four button suspenders

grab your pants up it was called pop pop pop pop pop that's what it was called pop pop pop

um and when she removed the suspenders they popped to the ceiling

you gotta get a little bit longer it's not that you're uh head overweight it is that they are you think the strap is too short yeah

they're there it's creating too

tautness yeah it's

much

taut okay

yeah well i will also say your pants hit the ground so hard that they indented the floor because just the elasticity of the pull from the suspender

yes

so it was too it's like when a boat is tied have you seen how these they're wrapped uh flattened steel and it comes through and it's just like

bang and it like throws men to their deaths

yes that's exactly what happened to me almost

thank god it was

thank god it's like rolled steel coil

it was like right and that was what happened and so indented the ground shot it up to the ceiling

the reverse of both of them came back and bill has covet

they don't care about it at this school

you can add it too the richer you get the less it matters but they do tell you at the end of every email that make sure you're being safe be say all the kids tell you that right before they get coven and come over to your house

they seek you out when they have it

you hear a coughing kid

coming you're like that's a rich kid with covid kids used to just like teepee your house you know what i mean

yeah now they'll come over

and spit covid all over

the oh a

halloween is going to be a nightmare

they don't ding dong dish they ding dong cough

yeah they bring your doorbell you open the door they cough in your face and then they run away the

other day i opened my door and there wasn't a flaming bag of shit there was a flaming tissue

full of snot these kids

flaming

i mean they're getting smarter like raptors every year yeah so you're hooking up with this woman you call sort of like you break the sound barrier

yes uh nasa ends up coming over and saying we're going to use this technology to launch our next rocket into

space right 38 buttons

that's all 38

buttons

but

um 38 buttons on a piece

of fabric about the size of a band -aid and nasa is struggling they're constantly going around being like how do we win

how do we get this stuff up there it's us versus elon and he's killing us and of course the chinese

we've got to convince the world that we actually do something oh my god they're running astronauts running around banging on doors being like you got anything in here that we could use in space

i guess my suspenders

most of my training is in a pool

but no your suspenders are now uh on a little island off of fort lauderdale florida

yeah studied by

nasa they're being studied by nasa and meanwhile i um the the

cape the cape sorry not fort lauderdale the cape the cape yes

cape canaveral the cape evil canaveral capes canaveral cape

what were you saying todd

i got it scared me

so

evil canaveral

much

oh evil canaveral is where nasa is launching

they do all their daredevil launches

yes evil canaveral and evil's gonna try to get to the moon

he actually made it first well he's trying to get a bunch of buses on the moon so he can jump over them so

slingshot around the moon and come back he's got a contract with elon to get buses on the move and jump over

yes

brightest evil canaveral sorry no

i'm so glad we found evil canaveral what about cape canaveral

also good canaveral is something too

would have been better

cape canaveral is a

better

it's all good though so you're on

a date with this woman

um yes so um she unfortunately uh left the mortal coil when that happened um she died steel

mortal coil yeah

the steel mortal coil

decapitated her

jesus

christ todd

yeah let him get to the story it uh

clean uh it clean cut it off to death and i got so

scared it was just thorough that i was gonna die too and it was such a near -death experience for me you were close to you with you this is one of my greatest fears that i will also die when i'm very close to someone

yes when somebody

gets blown to smithereens right in front of you

it makes

yeah it oftentimes i am covered in blood and little pieces of human

yeah and i'm like i'm like oh my god that could have been me that could have been me or someone's like hey they died uh early of some sort of sickness and i go what was it is it something i could get oh also i'm sorry you lost them um

that that one that one

second but but um uh ever since then i have changed my ways and i think it's been helpful for this school but i have become

a good man i've reversed my behaviors i've seen the error of my ways and i wrote a play about it that we're going to be doing for the uh performance art portion of the future

leaders and it's been approved the script's been approved by the uh committee and everything

um approval is so nebulous

you know what i mean uh early in the process we've got a

they're still kind

few weeks

of right they do give the kids full creative control to see if they're going to fall on their face or not

yes so um uh right now the tentative title is um todd bless us all um

i get it right

and

it

um the play

and i'll say that loudly

i've seen all of your plays and i think you are a fantastic artist and the way you're talking about this one i can tell this is gonna be the first one i really get thank you i and thank you for because i didn't i don't get my last plays anymore because i'm a new man that was a

disgusting man that wrote this is a man who wants the students to succeed and wants them to beat ai once you become a new man that old man wasn't you

oh

yeah you don't have to take responsibility for those old things you're a new guy now

everything's different that was me before now i change

machine gun kelly this is what machine gun kelly says he got a full body tattoo and he's a different man and he's not responsible for any of the awful music he made before

this and look at who he gets to kiss yeah

oh megan kelly oh megan kelly that one of the greatest hollywood

megan gun kelly

megan gun

kelly

now his wife this is interesting not to to cut you up but that's that the the machine gun kelly defense is something that you've been talking a lot about in your law classes

oh yeah it's much like the chewbacca defense it's my a lot of these other famous

defenses kelly's kelly defense too hairy it's from south park it's from south park oh yeah but it is from yeah um

too hairy to do this

you know

the snickers defense famously

hangry snickers i'm

hangry hangry turn me into joe pesci for a second

yeah god i

wish i wish you know how many people i tried to do that too when i was an agent in hollywood

i tried to get people

you made them hangry so they would turn into into pesci

finally they'd book something these losers end up not

booking i drop them like a catering in the morning if you want to act good starve yourself go into that first scene go into rehearsal

you gotta be careful

yeah i love i love that defense and i love um uh like modernizing the law

the law is so stodgy when you reference old cases uh um

because

the state of california versus todd

podre what women versus todd podre when was that from what

uh mgm studios uh department of human resources versus todd

and this is like from way

longer like 2021 like like this stuff that doesn't apply anymore you're a new mgk you're a new guy yes and so now it's modern names that people recognize i think

the students will be plugged in that question for you todd just for legalese purposes are you thinking about an identity change physically because i know you've changed from the inside out but you still kind of look like the same guy

i don't know if you're going to be able to have plausible d i have to look different not just behave different

ideally okay i mean honestly you could just look different and not behave different that would be my ideal

i don't want to change the big eyebrows

here i'd like to keep the same sorry big eyebrow

here i'd like to keep the same i guess body weight i could shift sure you could go up yeah i can't go down

i

hit body bottom

think i

the definition of rock bottom you're so weak you lay on the floor constantly

i couldn't lift a rock

and i am a rock you're right a bunch of birds sit on me and uh bleep on me which i think i i really think is making you more vulnerable it is like making you sort of a man of the people salt of the earth literally part of the earth and i think literally salt i'm being used for salt a little bit yeah yeah like on a cold road sometimes they'll throw you down

to dry

it up a little

so i think you're doing a great job

and i think this identity shift will be really

helpful and i have your back we trust or blessed

todd with

todd bless america todd bless america and todd we trust is nice

i

like

that maybe todd bless america colon and todd

and now as a

changed man i would assume then that your approach to sort of putting this play on is probably going to be different i would assume that's a great you won't be in it we'll hit those bleeps and bleeps on uh bleep soon but yeah um i will uh not be in this

one wow it will be

an ai of me starring in it uh and just as well as a student playing me and we'll see which one is more authentic wow you know this isn't for todd but i think for the other guys i think we should be careful saying in todd we trust because giving him sort of a god punk complex more than

he already

has might be

not good

yeah i don't know if i want to i i i will see we'll see how it goes todd i hope you are i hope all the things you're saying are actually true and it's not just another way for you to manipulate the world around you to fit your sort of perspective and needs

and thank you for not listening just there we did see you sort of glaze over and i really

appreciate it yeah

you said this wasn't for me so i went somewhere else for

a while

i feel like this is new though the world is new it's a new time i feel like the world is changing so much that i feel like uh this could be very good for the student i think so too i think them seeing that i am willing to change

is

really helpful for them um and even that word manipulate what are the first three letters in that word

uh

so when

it's a

female piece of the body the bleep goes

bleep females are beautiful

right beautiful bleep right

it's i mean

look

but look at the venus de milo

well have you seen todd your face when you just

talked about the venus de milo was shock gorgeous although it's the female figure it's been years that's all they

do but have you seen the penis de milo

but

i want to razzy for it

oh you are a

good sculptor

i love to throw clay but yeah i i overall

that's like a good sculptor is he just good at titles because it didn't really look it

seems like okay this isn't for todd he's not listening

todd is getting really good at not listening when it's

not

for him

it's very when he's getting notes something's on the ceiling what's up there todd what is up there come back

to us

oh sorry

i just thought i was we are talking about your personality disorders you are obsessed with the rafters you never know what's

above you well i appreciate that and i think like excellence is what we're looking for here we want to have the most excellent students we want people to go that's where you send your kid if you want them to be taken care of you don't have to obsess over their education go there and let the best and brightest minds mold them and that's what i'm trying to do with the boys as you guys know as part of the competition uh there is a rowing part

oh yeah it's right before crew they call right before public speaking

which is and it's the same people doing both

it's part of the relay they

help right out oh you think you're you think when you're president you just are not tired when you get up there to talk

they don't show you how big the stairs are right leading up to the podium

joe biden's not old he's been rowing yeah

that's right i've totally forgot about that

that

right on

we did it

joe we did it joe meant ran really far before they won

it's a bit

of an iron man

challenge yeah if you if you pan down on kamala running shoes running

shoes

all the time focus but i think i think with my boys what i'm focusing on everybody can row obviously there are a bunch of schools out there they can row they're very fast

but what makes the difference are hundreds of a second and it's that last hundredth of a second that what is what puts you

ahead it's who wants it more it's that everybody's good

everybody's good i'm inspired but you've got to be a hundredth of a second better

that's what's separating you

from two hundred thirty thousand three thousand million billion dollars and then simply five billion let him cook i but oh actually take my eggs off those shouldn't be cooking that long that's burning but i'm just saying

you're not gonna be able to clean that

pan if we take them off now so what me and my boys are looking for it's not only the correct form it's not only the the the row the muscle the long reach it is the oars it is the way the oars connect to the boat of course you really know what you're talking about the

angle at the and we're talking about the boats

i am perfecting

this boat there i it's handmade you guys know who's making it he's the best woodworker in hamilton and i went straight to the source uh

geppetto geppetto

wow wow that was a genius move believe and as long as the 50th is working on well that's incredible as long as you know the truth for the whole

season as long as you tell the truth for the whole season this should be a fantastic year for you oh

does this geppetto have the same rules

you can't lie

to get i want to get out well the crickets and then the crickets his

son went to the island of misfit toys or whatever

and the crickets deceased and the yeah

jimmy but did he want a son first

yes he wanted a son right it depends on the adaptation of

well this is an original jay this is this is this is this is

pinocchio's great great grandson this is geppetto with a j not a g this is

jay petto yeah jay petto j dot petto

no and his sidekick isn't jimmy cricket it's jimmy glick it's

jimmy glick it and j dot petto no it's a big it's jay i call him jet it's jay but it's geppetto junior junior junior it's like the fourth or something but he's in there he said i want a kid i want to give him a kid we got to get to work we got to get to work you keep trying to make a real boy blah blah blah do whatever you got

to do in here but we're working on the canoe today plant is this great great great damn it

really does but anyway you guys got to come see this boat beautiful we're just now sourcing the wood beautiful cherry wood wow just we're drying it now

it's bleep

we're dry

it's going to be beautiful and then we're going to shellac then we're going to paint it's not going to have a single it's going to be the smoothest thing you've ever seen and it's going to take our boys right into

a really so you're more focused on everybody together making the boat than on the rowing and the strategy there

no we're working

on rowing

but i think the boat is very very important because you can get your row together all you want if you don't have the right equipment that thing's not going to glide and as you guys know it's that that that lake gets rough

they're

not doing it on an easy lake no yeah this is a double black diamond lake and i'll say this they keep i'll say this i'll say this they keep calling it a lake but i believe the like geological definition of a lake is a a

body of water surrounded by land and this one is for sure

very

yeah very much headed straight to

river

yeah i don't have you seen those videos of the hull over inlet yeah oh

my god florida boat ramp where people come in and out of nearly every boat sinks i want to say it looks pretty familiar

though i have a hamilton inlet it a sport fisherman goes down there once a day

trying to get out your boats are so much lighter oh yeah but we're going to do it on a smooth day it's going to be fine

and it's like it's like training at altitude you guys are training in one of the hardest most difficult places in the world

yes and when you go anywhere else it's going to be easy or maybe yes incredible incredible stuff i know we're a little limited uh by time here

so i do want to kind of let everyone know what you guys are up to before we end the episode well you know as i'm working with the kids on copyright law and um parody law and everything i'm i'm pitching them things to work on as creative projects so one of the things that i'm having all the kids do is come up with a new theme song for the school this year and one of the first ones that's been submitted i really liked so i was going to share that with you guys if

that's awesome oh fantastic yeah i'd love to hear it okay i'm just going to go ahead and hit play here oh

all right

great

really

whoa that

that was awesome

thank you so much that was that's my the front runner

one of the kids submitted one that starts with all my students are a bullfrog

yeah

but it was nothing up there for you it was written oh we're looking i was

looking at the