7. Last Menna Henna

Todd, you're too old

to like this band.

You're too old to

like Dashboard Confessional, Todd. Too old to have a broken heart. Well, Todd. Well, why did you start playing it as soon as we started

recording? It just feels like... It's the beginning of the song. Well, I'm sad. That's why.

You don't have to perform your sadness, Todd. No one's looking.

Sorry.

Todd, anytime somebody does like drop D tuning on a

guitar,

my man's in his feels. Todd. I knew I couldn't be emotional around you

guys. You can.

You just for real. I knew I couldn't be broken hearted around you

guys. What happened, T?

T, tell

us. T, come on.

Well, I'm low T today emotionally. Right.

Oh, yeah?

I'm low. I am the love of my life. The woman I'm dating. Listen to our... Those are

kind of opposite

phrases. She listened to our last episode. Uh -huh. She didn't like seeing the real me.

Cool.

And she left me. She ripped out my heart.

Is that

what that scar on your chest is from?

Yeah. Uh -huh. I went and got a henna tattoo.

No.

Of my heart being ripped out. Yeah. Just a blown open. Wow. Yeah.

Also, button down shirt wide open.

Yeah. No undershirt. No. Everyone needs to see how sad I am. Todd. Damn.

Come on. I haven't slept a wink since she broke my fucking heart.

Todd,

I am sorry. Don't fall in love, you guys. Don't fall in love. You have like henna that looks like you have like

head trauma too. Like it's a, you really want. She ripped my brain out. She ripped out my heart and then she

came back from my brain. Because you feel kind of crazy. You feel

like. Yeah. So I got henna off a bunch of wraps around my head with a little bit of blood still coming out. What's going on with the like big chunk of henna on your calf? She took a chunk out of you.

She left with you. She left with your

calf.

She left with

my calf. Okay. It just feels like you went really overboard with the henna. If I'm being

honest. Rip my heart out. Was

there. I know what it was. There was a minimum.

Yeah.

had to hit a minimum. There was a last minute henna appointment.

I

A last minute. There was a last minute henna. Then on the other calf, it says half calf tall, some sort of.

That

You had to hit a minute. So if you get hit a last minute, you have to get four huge ones. Well, you just have to get a minimum cost.

Something like a stand up club or something. Like you have to hit a minimum. There was a. Four

at a minimum.

Four at a minimum.

Yeah.

Wow.

Well, I'm sorry to hear it, Todd. I mean, it hasn't been a great week for anybody here, but that on top. That's insult to injury, buddy. I'm so sorry to hear that.

Yeah. I should have never done this podcast.

No,

that's not.

What are you talking about? That's not.

This has been a lovely thing in your life with your good buddies. It's been a source of kind of a job.

You have to learn to balance work and heartbreak. It's always going to be right there with each other.

They say your lover shouldn't be 100 % of your life. Exactly. It should really be only a quarter, maybe

half. Yeah. This doesn't define you on the podcast. I'm a loser.

Okay. I'm unlovable. Okay.

Okay. Okay. If you were, then what?

What's that?

Yeah.

If those things are true, worst case scenario, those things are true. What does that mean for tomorrow? We're talking to Ian Roberts here.

I don't want to if this, then what my heartbreak. Okay. I'm

just trying to

help

you.

Take it to its logical conclusion. What can be so bad about that? Oh, then I should kill myself.

No.

Okay. I should go

if this exercise works.

I don't know how to do this exercise. I don't think it works for Todd.

Right. I should go move

somewhere where nobody - If you kill yourself, then what? I go to

hell again. This might all be true.

I'm worried about this. Anytime you do hypotheticals with Todd, this is where it goes. I think we have to just accept that he's never going to be able to actually play along with a - Todd, do you think there's any way you can get her back?

Do you think there's any way? I mean, do you want to salvage it? Is this - I know it's the woman you're dating and the lover of your life.

Well, I tried to do the say anything thing where I went to her house and I played a song on a boombox above my head.

But you don't have a boombox, Todd.

Correct.

So you were doing like what? Like iPod and forgot you didn't have speakers?

I was doing iPod and using my little hand to cuff it so

she could hear it. And then I

stole

a bowl of cereal off of a student because she

works at the school and I used the bowl to kind of magnify the

sound. You didn't dump the Frosted Flakes out of it though, so you did have a lot of milk Frosted Flakes in your head. Yeah, I dumped it on

my

head by

accident because when you turn

comes out

it,

it

apparently.

A beautiful, I'm sure that was a beautiful try.

I'm sure she at least respected the try. Luckily, Down With The Sickness is a little bit loud enough that she could get

some of it. Mm -hmm. That

she must have felt your love. I was going to ask one of the

songs. Yeah.

Wow.

Todd.

the beginning. That's not what he's doing.

He's crying at

Todd,

here's what I think. I think all of us could probably take a lesson here, use this as a learning moment. Sometimes I think when you throw yourself so quickly into something.

It's alcohol.

You don't have to take such a loud

sip, Todd. It's alcohol. I think you just got to be careful with throwing yourself two feet first into something. I think it's happened a lot with us. We get really excited about something. We go real hard for

a couple of weeks, and then we lose faith in it, or something goes wrong, and we think it's bad. We think we did wrong. We blame ourselves.

We start beating ourselves up every time. Yeah, maybe you can find your Havard lavash in this

relationship. Well, yeah. And hopefully things go better for you than they have for me for this last

week. Well, I don't want to make it worse for you, Todd, but you said she listened to the podcast and she turned on you. Is it because maybe she didn't like some of the unsavory stuff that you say?

You're an unsavory guy. You are the opposite of savory. And let's not get it confused. I wouldn't call you

sweet either. No, no, no.

Absolutely not. You're not sweet. You're unsavory. Yeah. Bitter? Bitter. Bitter

could be a flavor. But you're mostly unsavory. Yeah. This is perfect. This is who you should surround yourself with, is people that tell you these things when you are down in the dumps. Now I

know how Chris Garoppolo feels.

Todd, I,

some friends of mine said I've gone from unsavory to savory. I am more savory as a person now. I'd say you're umami. I am. I'm umami.

Which I would say kind of fits in the savory category. Yeah. It's just another word. I thought it was a spice.

No, it's a feeling. It's a sense at the back of your tongue. Like if you have a mapo tofu. Oh. At a Chinese restaurant. That's umami.

Oh. Look how happy you are, Todd. Look, you're doing okay

when you just don't think

about it. You're doing all right. I'm going to put it in a

Chinese order. It

ain't so

bad at all. But do you think it's less about you being unsavory and more about her hearing Havard Lavash?

Because Havard Lavash is a James Bond, Ethan Hunt -esque figure that is a - Really sexy. That is savory with women.

Creamy. Creamy like a cheese. Creamy like a cheese. And walks out of the ocean in little trunks.

Where he introduces himself at a bar and they think that he's just ordering an appetizer.

He orders his Coke. A barred Lavash. Weirdly, yes. Wait, no. That's my name. I don't need

a Lavash. He orders his Coke shaken, not stirred,

which explodes in his face. But that's part of his sex appeal. You should stir it,

yeah.

there. Well, we just

-

We're

giving you props. You need to learn to

stir your Coke. Like we do.

We all stir our Coke when we get served. I feel like when you have a sort of larger than life persona, not to distract from everything that's happening to you, Todd.

No.

But when you have a larger than life persona and you go out there into the world, you have to sort - You can't just exist as who you were before. You know what I

mean? Yeah. So, yes, a lot of my choices this week have been pretty extreme. I would say you're in Taika Waititi post -Thor of your life.

Right. You're having three ways with, I don't know, Camila Caballo or something like that.

Right. Yeah. You're combing your hair over. People are witnessing you at 3 a .m. on the block. You know?

You're starting to show your true self.

You're

in a car that matches you. You're in a car

that looks normal. So, you know, I hear you guys, you know, and I feel like what you guys are actually uncomfortable with is that for once in the history of this podcast, I'm the one who's getting attention. I'm the one who sort of spearheaded things in the last few days.

I'm the one who's sort of, you know, yes, taking the blame as well as sort of credit, we'll say, for some of the things that have happened. And I think you guys feel a little bit diminished. And, Todd, heartbreak on top of feeling diminished because your role in the foursome of us has been diminished by me sort of blossoming. I understand that feeling. Okay. You think I feel diminished by

you blossoming? My man, I'm so happy for you. It's the

first time I've ever seen you happy

and succeed.

I think you look - Mr. Savory. Yeah. I think you look awesome in that motorcycle jacket.

And I

think you'll probably grow into it. I think getting it one size too big was the absolute right move and two sizes too big was

fine. And, well,

three sizes

big, you've gone too far, but four sizes too big, you're back. Yeah, and there you are. I told the guy at the store, I said, is this the only one that you have? And he said, no, it's the only one I'll send you. Todd. It's alcohol.

Okay, well, then you're good.

You're fine as long as it's alcohol. Havard, I am not. I'm with Samuel over here where I think a rising

tide - We're all treating each other

really classy

now.

Todd, saying somebody's full name doesn't make you less heartbroken.

Like, yeah.

William.

Oh, he's fine. He's fine. Okay. He's fine.

See? But I think a rising tide raises all fish. You

know what I mean?

Well, okay. I think you doing well is great for us. Frankly, it'll be nice to, like, glob on to your friends now. Because you're always hanging out with the theater kids and you don't know the play references and whatever. I'm excited to hang out with the bad boys

you're hanging out with. It'll be interesting to see you prank someone rather than get pranked 24 -7.

That would be really interesting. Like,

it's usually people following you, making fun

you. Yes. And now they're following you going, where are we going? Where should we go? And how would I have to have that? Who should I shoot? Havard, please. Oh, my God.

of

Confident. Oh, as he drops his penis

on the ground. Wow.

Big dick energy. Alpha.

I'm so sorry. It's Havard. Havard. Havard. I'm so sorry. But Havard, have you, and I hate to make it crude. I hate to be unsavory right now.

Well, everything is. It's all about oil. Yes. You've

clearly been doing well. You're a ladies, you're a magnet.

big question

That's the

everyone's mind.

on

There's a lot of ladies men who are really interested in catching you. There's a

Right.

lot of Lotharios around you. I'll say

this. I'll say this. I haven't, without any work, I've sort of, I've become known as a guy who is sort of good with women.

I've become a bit of a pickup artist. Yeah.

Have you become so straight that you're now, you skipped it and you're gay?

I've heard that happen. Like, you can overshoot. Skip it.

Because it's a circle.

Yeah. You can overshoot masculinity and be gay. Well, I hold hands with my friends. I hold hands with all my friends.

That's okay. I kiss. We practice kissing together. Okay. Me and the fellas. Okay.

I'm not

uncomfortable with this at all. Yeah. Havard.

You've got all the men around you who like Lothario.

Yes. Like the real life James Bond. Look. Like the movies. Not a lot of women really care about him. But men love James Bond. Well, he gets taken advantage of by a woman in every movie. Oh. He does. He does. That's the whole thing with James Bond. I

guess that is true. He falls for a woman and they end up double crossing him. It seems like he's taking advantage of

them and then all of a sudden. They always end up double crossing

him. But the thing. A lot of people are saying. Everybody. The guys who have sort of found themselves around me. They've been like Havard. We've had a. We've sort of felt more confident. You have made us seem like the kind of guys who are going to sort of. Lavash. Havard.

Lavash. Coming right up, sir.

No. No, no. Sorry. We're recording in a Mediterranean restaurant

today.

No, no, no. We're just saying his name.

I lost my train of thought. No. No, you didn't. Have you fucked, Havard? Did you? You're James

Bond. Yes. You're talking around the big question, Havard,

which I think we have the answer. You did.

Wow.

Wait, what? Did you have sex? What? Did you have sex with the bombshell?

Because I saw you out on a fancy catamaran last week. Shirt blowing in the wind. Hat. Huge.

Woman by your side going, I might fall in. You know, here's what I'm going to

say. Did you seal it? I'm not going to tell you guys the truth of what happened. Howard peeking out.

You're tacking

too fast. You're tacking

way too fast on this thing. Well,

I was saying your Howard was peeking out when you were scared you were going to fall out. You weren't full of Havard. But I'll say this, I'm not going to tell you guys the truth of what happened

because either way,

I

know exactly what you'll say. I'll know exactly what you'll say. If I say that I had a wonderful night with a Russian heiress on a catamaran the other night, you all say, prove it. You'll say, no chance. You'll say, she didn't look at you.

I would like to prove it. You'll say,

she probably kicked you off the boat. You'll say, I bet you swam to shore. I know exactly what you guys will say.

Sounds like you're saying it. Yeah. And so I'm not even

going to tell you the truth of what happened because even if you're if I told you that I had sex with a beautiful woman. So you got kicked off your own catamaran by a Russian heiress in the middle of the night? Well, I think there was a mispronunciation. It was a Russian hairless. It was a cat. Okay.

See, this is why I don't tell you guys. This is why I feel like it's so hard for me to be

myself. Howard, we say get some pussy, but come on, my man. Ta, I, Havard. Havard. Havard, you were had by a cat on a catamaran? A hairless catamaran? See, this is what I mean. This

is what I mean.

Havard. Havard, clear it up. No, clear it up. What happened? Was it a cat? There are so many cats down there that have dual hull boats. You guys

would

rather me have spent the night on a boat with a cat than even consider the idea that I would be close to a real human

woman. Well, clear it up. I want to believe the truth. I know what happened.

Okay, the truth. What happened was I thought if I'm going to be a James Bond type character, I need to work on my charisma. I need to work on sort of business. So I did. I picked up a Russian heiress. Her father owns a company. And we went out on a boat.

What's that? Was it like a pet co?

Is it the cat whose cat's dad owns pet co? Does it matter if her dad owns the largest pet store in Russia? I don't think

it

does

matter. Owns or lives

Okay.

I'm just trying to help you get

close. Owns it because it's been there for so long? So domain?

I will say unequivocally, I did not have sex with

a cat. With cat woman. With cat woman. I did not have sex with cat woman. Okay? Look, I will tell you the truth of what happened. I thought I was... Okay. Apologize to America.

I don't have to apologize for

in Sweden.

anything. And a couple guys

Yes. I thought... I did not have sexual relations with cat woman.

Say it. But what did happen then? If you guys would let me... Why was their hair all over the dress? Why was their hair all over the

blue dress? Because if the cat was hairless, what's going on?

Yeah. There's something. Did you have sex with the cat with hair?

Avard! Tell us!

Avard! You know, I would love to tell you guys what happened. I'm going to zip it. We're sorry. I'm going to zip it.

I would absolutely love to tell you guys what happens, but it

seems like you guys would rather tell me what happened.

No, no. You tell us

the truth. You're right. And we'll believe it if it's true. I will tell you the truth. But

what happens if it takes too long.

know

We start saying

shit. Yeah, I know. I was

prepping. I thought if I'm going to be James Bond when we try to go in and we try to take these parents down and we try to show these rich assholes, I was practicing

the persona. Okay? I picked up

a

Russian heiress at a bar. We got on her boat a catamaran.

Yes.

Okay.

What's my timeline? I love it.

I'm into this. I'm into this. Yes.

Say new stuff so we can change that. We've already changed the Russian heiress thing. You got to say new thing. One thing

led to another. I made a move. She was turned off. She said, I thought we were just friends. Oh, no.

On your first move? Yeah. And then she said, I said, well, okay. She asked me to leave the boat. I said, well, is there a dinghy or something I can take to short? She said, no. Why would I have a dinghy? I never leave this

boat. So she invited you on the boat as a friend.

Yes. And then she made me swim back to shore from the boat. Oh. And not only that, but I actually swam on shore. You guys know there was that big sort of group, like the party for the students and parents. You got beat up by the

waves pretty bad when you were coming on shore. I did. But then I showed up.

Those were waves. I wouldn't exactly call that a shore break.

was

absolute glass out there

on

the

ocean. No

wind.

not just the waves. No glass. It's not just the waves. Different Instagram stories of people going, I've never seen it clearer. Even the news was like, moon in an interesting place. No waves worldwide.

But it's

No waves. And you're having trouble

getting onto - It's not just the waves

you're contending with when you're coming out of the water.

Okay.

Crabs. There's crabs. There's rocks. There was some

altercations with crabs. Hermit crabs. A crab is still a crab. Tiny crabs.

It's still

scary. Okay? They're still scary. Okay? And I did come ashore at the beach club where the big party was happening with the parents and the students before the -

Rockus party. Yeah.

Nude because a crab found your clothes and moved into it and kicked you out, right?

Well, a

crab - A crab sold your clothes on eBay. A crab did hand me its shell and said I could have its shell, but it needed my pants. Damn. Yes. And so I

walked out - A crab gentrified your

pants. I was gentrified by a crab and I walked onto the beach into this party wearing a crab shell over my

penis. I saw a salt and straw

in your crab. I would say on your penis, not over your penis. Well, it was

- Yeah. The back of your shorts has a salt and straw and a pink

berry. It's like too close. Yeah. Yeah. Well, anyway, I walked into this party. I was half naked. I was looking for some support. I had

texted you guys - Physically. I had texted you

guys letting you know where I was. Nobody showed up. So I ended up having to walk through this whole party. I knew what you were showing. So

the mystique was ruined. And the mystique of Havard Lavash has been pretty ruined. Everyone there at this party, the parents, the students, the administrators - Did they recognize you as Havard or were you Howard?

Well, of course, when I looked like that, I definitely wasn't presenting Havard.

Okay. Well, so once you get back into the suit, once you get back into the vibe, you can throw

Havard back on. The crowd stole the suit. I'm never going to be able to get the suit back. Yeah.

It was pretty nicely tailored.

where that crab

you know

Yes. Do

is? I wanted to order a fusion Japanese taco from the taco truck that moved in.

Yeah. How do they take orders? Is it all online or is it all cash? Or what's the - Oh, I noticed they're $19

per taco.

But they're supposed to be really good. Oh, yeah.

And

long.

you could take a really nice picture.

Yes. In front of it.

Real quick, Kitchen Corner. We can't tell that the portions have gotten cartoonishly small at every place. We can't tell. You're tricking us. Shrinkflation has completely tricked me. Yeah. Nothing's ruined for good. I leave hungry and poor.

Anyway, so you're naked - Raise the price and shrink the food.

You can't

do both. One of the other.

It's

one of the other.

Why is it this the only thing? And if this comes out of the election, condolences or congratulations,

we might be dead. But why is it this the only thing Kamala's running on?

Right.

Restaurants got to be cheaper.

You would get so many idiots, myself included,

Right now, I'm undecided still.

to vote for you.

Smart.

Yeah.

I'm just

going to save it

until the last

day.

Yeah, I think last

day. We're going to shoot from the hip

when we get in there. Well, because then we

all have to talk to you until the election and make sure you do the right thing. Yes, I'm the focus of attention. And then you get attention, which people never want to give you. But any whom, Havard, I'm still seeing the confidence in you. You walked into the room like a man who's had sex.

I'll say that. Wow, thank you. So don't let the

Yeah.

fact that you walked in with a little shell near your penis and nothing

else on and were bullied by the students and lost your mystique there. Or you

gained the mystique.

Well, you gained the mystique and lost your mystique.

I don't know if I like that term. Speaking of that, you guys ever see that X -Men movie? It mistunk. Yeah. The one with mystique, it mistunk.

Wow.

Thank you. Sometimes

Sam's reviews come in a little late, but they are scathing. They're poignant.

They're poignant, but it's not late. What did you say about the first Tobey Maguire Spider -Man yesterday?

It mistunk.

It mistunk. Well,

I'm sure everyone's curious because we started the first episode of the season saying the whole season was going to be about this big,

I don't even remember what, kind of competition,

academic

decathlon. Yeah, academic decathlon, just schools competing for

greatness. Last episode, we decided we were going to punish them all, turn evil, and do a Mission Impossible with LeVar Lavash as our Ethan Hunt. I had my nice Ving Rhames hat.

Good. Bill was working on his guns in cars. I was not Q, but Mission Impossible Q.

Sam was there. Sam had drones. Yeah, Sam was doing drones still.

So, since then, the academic decathlon has happened.

Yes. We've obviously been burying the lead.

Yes.

Because -

It's

tough to talk about.

It's tough to talk about for almost all your worst assumptions about yourself. Because our school won. It was a Mission Impossible for us. We tried to sabotage them and ended up helping them every step of the

way, and they won without us. Yes. Which proved the exact opposite of what we were trying to prove.

It's tough.

Yeah. It was really hard. And, you know, we went down with a fight. I was proud of our moxie. Everybody made it pretty clear that

we were - Or understood pretty clearly that we were trying to throw things, and we didn't have a lot of people on our side. I'll say for this, when we tried to lower Howard into the room, I was wrong about getting

only four -pound fishing line. Yes.

I thought it would hold.

Well,

then you were like, if we just do 20 lines - Just do four times 20. Right.

And again, I thought your math was off there. I was just - That's

800 pounds, four

times 20.

I just felt a little unsafe.

So that's - Yeah, you really slapped down hard at the bottom of that air conditioning shaft.

Yeah. And, you know, I think - Vaj. Here's where -

He said his name when he hit the ground. Here's where our plans were right. I think assuming we understand the layout of every building just from having been in it once, probably not a good idea. Doing a little bit of reconnaissance, figuring out where these air conditioning shafts lead. I was lost in the air conditioning ducts of the auditorium for a solid three or four hours.

And I - I should have been on that. I

apologize. Sam, you were on comms there.

I was on comms, but I was also on masks.

Yes. And I

got a little distracted making masks. Right.

Very. And none of them ended up looking human. They're sort of humanoid. Right. But anyway, I lost focus on you. I should have been following you, and I was just off

painting bases. I'll say, your first one was great. That's the one Bill wore, but he got so into character that he ended up playing - He was wearing a mask as one of our teachers, Mr. Henderson.

Yep. And he ended up playing him for about two and a half weeks. Yeah. Fully committed. I got into him really difficult. It gave me a lot of confidence, actually.

Yes. It was a great mask. The voice changer was perfect. Thank you. You convinced Bill's wife to get back together with him, or I mean, Mr. Henderson's wife to get back together with

him.

Yeah. I did a lot of sort of like,

not Peter Pan.

Fuck.

No. It's not even

part of that universe.

Oh, Wendy. It's - Peter Pumpkin Eater.

It's the guy who steals from the rich and

gives to the poor. Ribbon Hood.

Ribbon Hood.

Ribbon Hood. Ribbon Hood.

It's the little guy

made of rib - Is it Ribbon Hood?

It's Ribbon Hood. It's a little bunny, right?

Yes. It's a bunny that goes ribbit. Ribbon Hood. It's a little bunny that goes -

Ribbon. Ribbon. It's the

made of ribbons

who steals from the rich and gives to a man's wife so she'll get back with him.

Yeah. So you Ribbon Hood and Mr. Henderson's

wife prepared the relationship. Yeah. Nothing unsavory there, of course. It

wasn't a Revenge of the Nerds. No. It was the mask to trick

some sort of sexual

thing. No. Yeah. It was

purely above board. It was above board. You did a lot of stuff.

Everything was above board. Don't worry. But you did a lot of stuff that we wish you would do for yourself. It felt like being in the character helped you.

Yeah. There's something about just taking it through the mask

that you can really just not be afraid by your prior life choices to

just change.

Well, you're a new man. I thought I'd have a very similar experience. Yeah. Havard. A few weeks.

Yeah.

Maybe you need the mask. Maybe you just

need - We wear a mask every day. Have you heard this?

I have

heard this. Every day we wear a mask, but we think it's our real persona. I heard that when I was trying to be a scare actor at Universal Studios. Yeah.

And they were saying, you don't even need one. You're

already wearing a great one. Every day you're wearing a mask almost.

But they were like, we're trying to scare people, not kill them. And you didn't make it through round two. No, I was pretty

aggressive. That was the most death they'd ever had that year. That was a crazy year

for knots. Because if people scare me, I got to shove them. I got to stab them or

whatever. Well, like people - Dog versus dog. Well, that's what they don't talk about enough. Everybody who goes -

That's what they don't talk about enough at these scare nights. The people that go and they scare the scarers. That should be illegal. Yeah.

Yeah.

That should - Because the scarers are on the job. No one should have to be scared at work. Right. No one should have to be scared at work. That was good. Good slogan.

Oh, I bit my lip. Todd bit his lip trying to act like Bill Clinton.

Oh,

how does Bill

do it? Oh my God. Oh. Oh. But, I mean

- So, I tried to - Were you going to say something or

were you just trying to transition? I don't want to know. I was like, maybe

something will come. That's what I was

feeling. Yeah.

But, unfortunately on my end, I tried to sabotage the AI play by

pulling all of my contributions out of it.

And

the kids ended up writing their own play that not only won the competition, but got a straight to Broadway deal. So disappointing. Especially for your whole life. Like, what's

happened for your whole life, that's really disappointing. When you say it that way, it really makes

me feel bad. The first time you were catapulted from the project, it went straight to your biggest dream.

Yes.

really hurt my feelings. And it does not take it easy on you in the play.

You

think that's about me? Bad director? Yeah, bad

director. Yeah, I

think - I

think

Yeah. I mean, where do people get names from, though? You know what I mean?

Really?

Todd, Shod, God. It's just like random. You just write whatever's near you. I mean, they show a lot of photos of you. Yeah. It's

pretty autobiographical. Well, not auto, but whatever they call that, where someone else does a

biographical. Just biographical, yeah. Yeah, I guess now that you mention it, why didn't I get the casting call for Todd, then?

Right. It's weird. Like, it ends, and on the screen, you know, sort of like those true stories that they get, like, this person is doing this now. This person

got

a divorce and did this. It's just like,

your face comes up and it goes, this man is still out there. I

love that they did the play like a movie.

It ends

Wanted, and you're out there. Yes, over the credits.

Yeah. This man still walks the streets to this day.

Black and white photo into red. Yes, and the thing where it's like inverse colors.

What's that called? Yes. Inverted. Inverted. Negative.

Inverted. I think it

Negative.

was so smart of these kids to finally make a play that felt like a movie. Who wants to watch some boring fucking play? Make it like a movie in the theater.

Genius. Yes. Yeah. Well, it backfired. Not only did they win the Akadek, they're on Broadway. Meanwhile, I'm the saddest man who was ever born

on earth. And Todd, I don't mean to bring it up.

In history.

It maybe is a thing that you're trying to purposefully leave, the detail you're trying to leave out. Your ex -girlfriend actually got hired to direct the Broadway show, right? Havard.

We all knew it. It's just, is that a thing you were intentionally leaving out?

Oh, no. I think he's about

hit something. But

to

want to

be hard

again. That's a yes. That's a yes.

That's what happened. Todd's ex loved his life. And all I want is

my ex -girlfriend's death. Whoa,

Todd.

Todd, you're on mic. He's so good. Kermit when

heartbroken. No.

he gets

You mean emo? Yeah. It's called emo. No,

it's called green felt. And you're wearing too much of it. Okay? And look, Todd, that does, it's awful for a person like you who's built your whole life around the idea that you're a good artist.

It's tough for you to sort of be confronted so directly with the ways that you're bad. What do you think?

actually turned his light on. I actually turned his light on. I turned his flashlight on on my phone. Sorry, I was blind. I just think, I think, I think, again, things can be a lot worse. Like, for example, I don't know, people, you can probably see that I've been pretty badly burned. And it's, of course, because I fell out of the air conditioning ducts into a furnace, kind of like in Toy Story 3. So things could be worse.

Todd

Except when you fell into the furnace, you did not come to terms with death at all.

Yeah. Yeah, it wasn't really the heartfelt, it was all the fear, none of the... I've

never seen a man scrape and crawl and cry.

Well, I'm right, that's bad. It

can't

be

yet.

I

Yes. Soup! Dinner and drinks! You've never had soup?

Soup was weird. You know, these are, it's not fair for you guys to sort of air these things out.

You started pushing little toys further down into the fire.

Well, yeah,

because they're fucking stupid little toys, all right? They could die, all right? That's a tough moment.

I'm just saying, I'm not trying to make this about me, Todd. I'm just saying, things can always be worse. The worst could actually

happen one day. Right now, we're all alive, we're breathing, some of us better than others. And we can look at that as a positive thing. What's that

supposed to mean? Well, you're not breathing very well,

first of all. What the hell are you talking about? Because of my apnea? Well... So what if none of us have gotten a wink of sleep in days because I scream snore? Do you have crapnea like Todd? You have crapnea. Well, no, I don't use plastic tube.

Oh, I forgot about

plastic tube. We lost our sponsorship on plastic tube,

even though they... Remember plastic tube?

I don't know. I mean, to me, it was so genius because both ends work. You know what I mean? Both ends work. But I guess that part... Even though they're not our sponsor anymore,

we do still want to promote plastic tube. Yeah, we were never sponsoring them

just

because...

We were never

getting sponsored. We'll

Obviously, we fucked up.

We lost the competition. We

embarrassed the whole school. I put their rowing team... I switched out their boat for a first date swan foot pedal

boat. They still won. Little did you know, they have such strong thighs and legs.

I

thought they'd only been training shoulders, arms, back. Tree trunks over there. Yeah.

Full

body. Speed boat level rooster tail. They hydroplaned.

They hydroplaned. Yeah. And I know you think you can't... Like, that's for cars to do on land. No. But no, you can also do it on water. Well, it's a type of boat.

Well, usually you're not planning enough in water. You're always

hydroing, but you're not planning. I guess

they're... They got on such a plane that it took... They took them six and a half hours to get to JFK, and they got in early.

And it was even

glassier than

Howard's... Okay. Tumble in

the ocean. Oh. Again. And the boys brought it home. I was still a little proud.

Sure are you. But it was tough. I'm sure when their speech was, fuck Bill Cravey, it

made me a little less proud. They took all their filler out. They were natch.

Well, they took off their shirts and they had that phrase also painted on their chest.

Yes. They got henna too much.

Some of those guys

got it

branded. Fuck Bill Cravey. They did a brand. Like an old fraternity. Bill, I'm so sorry. That must hurt. And you

were their coxswain. You were their leader. Yes. I was.

Unfortunate. I know. I know. Well, and I get it. I mean, I was spending my whole time doing all this beautiful reconnaissance. And now I'm told I've broken several UN accords and lots of international laws by spying with these drones. Sure, I dropped a couple of grenades in what I thought was Russian tanks and it happened to be the other school's guy. Guy. So I killed a couple of guys.

But just with grenades, they had no idea.

That was for the school. And you're telling me I was acting on your behalf. Don't forget to pronounce the L. The HALF. That's what it's for.

Yeah. And I mean, lest we forget, the UFO community is coming after you because you had them convinced that there were UAPs out there.

Unbelievable. And it was just your newly invented drones. They were like, nothing could move at this rate of speed in these angles. Well, and I don't know whether to be afraid of or totally dubious of this UFO community because I don't know if what they say is

true, they're the most scary group on Earth. Or. Well, they've seen

that little guy from Mexico on their side. He's real. The little papier -mâché alien from Mexico

is real. He looks papier -mâché. Yeah. He looks

papier

-mâché. It's a vacuum. You can wear paper. They can wear paper up there, folks. Like, if you could wear paper where we live,

would you be wearing paper? Jealous. Yeah. Every morning I'm reading the newspaper going,

if only. If only this was my body paper. If

only

this was my body paper. He came down and. Not covered in news. He blessed us all in his little newspaper suit. And we were

obsessed with him. What a blessing. Anyway, the UFO community is after me.

The UN is after me. The crazy man with no teeth in a makeshift house has showed up

here

looking. They're putting out the weirdest press releases.

Yeah.

got

them.

Like, yeah. A ton of, like, flat. No way it's over, folks. We're just going to release it in a few weeks. A ton of, like, flat Earth YouTube channels have now pivoted to only talking about you. It is

crazy how much press I'm getting, which I am enjoying. But it is press for being the world's number one criminal.

Yes. Number one. War crimes.

Criminal of all time. It was really

tough.

you very much.

The coat. Thank

Thank you so much. This isn't really criminal, but the flat assers have been coming for you, too.

Which I don't like. You know I like a big rotund. You've always identified as having a big plumpy. Absolutely. Not only having a big plumpy, but needing a big plumpy. Needing. Flat assers, to me. Having, needing, showing.

I've never seen a more false narrative. Than

the flat assers.

The flat assers showing up broke your spirit. It broke my

spirit completely. I can't believe in this. How come if we drop water on a plumpy, it goes all the way around? Come on, flat assers.

Flat assers, you just have never seen a plumpy. That's all it is. Have you ever seen

my ass from space? It doesn't make sense, folks. It's round. It's plumpy. It's covered in water.

It's two -thirds water. I agree. It's two -thirds water. If you spin that plumpy from the right direction, all you can see is water. There's one cheek that's all water, and most of the land's on the other cheek. Plumpy. Why is a moon gravitating around my plumpy?

I don't know. That's one small step for man.

And one giant lump for my ass.

Yes. Yes. So, we're all fucked. We're all

pissed off. We're fucking

pissed

and fucked. We did so

much goddamn work for this stupid academy, the headmaster got rest his soul. He's unfortunately gone, folks.

Yeah,

well, don't fuck with us. I have military drones, and they can do anything. Edit that out. Coat. He's the coat. I'm the criminal of all time.

But here's what I realized in the print.

Not the best.

Not the top.

Just the criminal of all

time.

And he's always been the criminal of all time, and he's finally getting recognized.

That's right. By the criminal community.

Not since exploding the Louvre has this man gotten the recognition he

deserves for being a nightmare. I need to go wherever the Caymans is for money. I need to go to

that for people. I think we also need to reframe what you've done, though, because what you did was criminal, you know, but it was

in the effort. Depending on whose eyes you're looking through. It was in the service of helping other people, right? So, headmaster, he died.

Well, I'll say this. I was very thankful when your drone flew through those air conditioning ducts, pulled me out of that burning

furnace as my toes and feet and skin on the bottom of my feet is now gone. But I

am in body.

You have had to tiptoe around very frustratingly.

Yes, for me. I know

a very good henna artist that can do some reconstructive henna on

your body. I don't

think that that's what

I want.

But it's five henna minimum.

When I

hung on to your drone. Yeah. When I hung on to your drone and you and that was epic and you

lifted me out of that furnace

and I kind of we got you got me out of the furnace and then I went up, up, up into the sky and then you sort of came down

and I was flying. And again, I know all those videos from the UFO community that do show

a burned man hanging from a high speed drone. It all makes sense that people think that this is what happened.

Well, and I got really into the Toy Story part of it now is going to infinity or just the lawn. Just taking you to the lawn.

The whole sequence of like Headmaster unfortunately passing,

Havard lifting, getting lifted. You know, there was so many crazy. It was such an amazing scene.

You know, like at the end of a Marvel movie when it won't end, like when it's just like

Oh, there's false endings. Like,

oh, it's almost done. And here he comes. He's not. It would.

I was worried this kid's movie would be

over under two hours. Don't worry. We've got 30 more minutes. The action sequence will. You crushed them with 60 buses. How are they back now?

That's what it felt like. Yeah. You know, and the Headmaster dying, God rest his soul.

get to hook up with him once.

I didn't even

I'll tell you.

Yeah.

None of us

consummated with Headmaster.

Heaven has a pretty incredible headband.

Headband?

What? Bring this. Hold on. We're

screeching

to an absolute. You know when

a musician dies and they go, well,

Heaven must have a pretty great rock band. Oh, a headband. Oh, my God. No.

I heard that some of the best

dome stars are in heaven. Absolutely. So, I guess name the band or whatever. No, don't do it. Don't do it.

Yeah. We don't know which dead people we could comfortably name. Give

good heads. Give good heads. I don't want to believe that. Well, hey, you got to think that's what they're there for. They're living their dream. They love it. Well, yes. And the

streets have always been paved with cum. Don't cut it.

Don't cut it. But I, this is, you know, I had

to have this. I, I, I, I,

I, I, I, I, I, Sharona. Boo -doo -dee -dee -boo, bop -boop -bop. Dee -dee -dee -boo -doo

-doo.

-dee

night of the soul. Yeah, I gotta write that down.

Art, A -R -T.

Yes. Space. Don't, is he's gonna fall apart? Did you forget an F at the top of that? What's that? F.

No, no F, no

F.

Okay. It's just art.

He

only knows how to write fart.

So, fart?

So, fart and then sub

out the T. Oh, the F, I mean.

F

Okay.

name. My

Your

Your name is so easy. So important to a childhood development. Well, my parents were parrots. Let's not forget about that. Right. Okay, so what are you saying at all? So, fart. So, art. So, fart and then cross out the F. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then fart

and then

cross out the F and the R. And then put an I and an M and an I and a T.

Okay, okay, okay.

And then keep the A. I think you forgot to cross out an A earlier, too.

Fuck! What was the last word? F?

He's going to spell fart

three times. The last word, no, the last word, F. Life, so fart.

F

-A

Yeah, I'm seeing it.

And then at the end, put the first letter of fart and then add another line to the bottom of it. I'm getting this. Okay. Continue now. Interesting. Interesting. This is amazing. This is how you

have to teach. This is so tough. You also teach English, by

the way. And spelling. Have you ever seen the diving bell and the butterfly? Yes. That happened to me one time and then we had to do this the whole way through. I had locked in syndrome and

I had

to go F -A -R -T. None of those?

so patient with him, Todd. I just work with people like this all the time.

F -A -R -T. You're

Just real quick, just for fun. Tell him how to spell your first name.

Okay, Todd. Okay, F.

So the first letter of fart

and then erase the middle line, but kind of move it to the

left side of the top line.

Don't get rid of it. Just shift it up. Todd,

there's a T in fart. What's that?

There's a T in fart. There's a T in fart. But stay on how you've done it.

Okay, so funny F. Now the second letter of fart, erase the little line that comes on the bottom there

so it looks more just round. Okay. Okay. I got a triangle.

Yeah,

it's...

I got F -A. He's made T in a triangle. Start over. He's got F -A. He's starting with F -A.

I'm trying to spell Todd here. Just start over.

He's got the word... So I'm looking at the paper and I see the word

fart, so we're starting

with that. I'm an adult. Just work with me. Just explain it to me and I'll get it. I'm an

adult. Another poop related bit, but very different in a good way

this time. But this is new. This is

new.

Okay? For you guys,

this is new. Don't go like skipping ahead because this is the same as anything we

ever do. This is brand new. This is different

from PO2. This is different from Krabbea. I would say this isn't even a poop or fart game. No. Game. It's a spelling

joke. This is smart. This is really smart. It has to do... Okay. So smart.

Smart. Smart. Smart.

This is going to be easy. I can do this. Okay. F. Yeah. Cross out the F. Oh, I can't.

Okay. Do you know how to write an S? Oh, fuck. I don't know. He didn't know how to write an S. Snake. Snake standing up. Snake

standing up.

No, not straight up.

That's an L. Wait. Wait.

It's behalf? Okay. This to the end of the episode.

OJ. No. No. No. No.

Okay.

Okay. So I get what Todd is saying. Fart is like fart. That's close enough. So I was thinking fart is like fart. And what happens is in movies, in narrative stories, the dark night of the soul

what we were

is

The

worst fart of them all. And it's

like things can't get any better. But that is the part of the movie where we move into the third act and we try to strive to improve. And we learn our lesson and we end up changed by the end of

this. And we

learn from it.

And that's where we are now.

It can't get any worse. It can't get any worse. I've been a war crime before. It doesn't always

last. Your

existence is a war crime. Sure.

The International Criminal Court or

whatever. Yeah. Yeah. That's why I love the deep ocean. They're trying to get you to the Hague just for being alive. Huh? They're trying to get you to the Hague just for being alive.

That's where we have to get. Uh -huh. Offshore. Yes. Or near water. I need

to be in international waters.

I've got to be near water.

That's the

problem.

That's why I've been so weird for 12 years. I'm a fish.

I'm a water sign, I think. I

have to grab myself. I'm not going back into the water. Not after what happened with your craft. No, we can

go to the barn. Call her. Call her. The perilous cat lady. Get us offshore. Yes. Take

the catamaran as deep as it'll go. We're

unpunishable out there.

I

goose boats.

Yee swans. Yeah. Tied to the back of the catamaran. We'll pedal ourselves out

there. Yeah. Perfect. We can take them out there. We can meet her offshore.

I have 80 drones. I'll create a perimeter. We can live out there on an island like it's Waterworld.

Yes. Who doesn't want to live like Waterworld? The first scene in the movie, drinks his own pee. We all went, really?

can? You can

You

show people? Oh, a filter.

We all left and went home and started sipping. Yeah.

So they, and we had a little technical difficulty. If you watch the video and it cut out, Amazon, I'm coming for you, Jeff. Yeah. And I don't mean, never mind. But they, at the school, made it so our ID cards no longer work, which is humiliating

because I was trying to take someone to the cafeteria for a business deal. Yeah, we can't get our stuff and our lockers. We can't. We're locked out.

But I need to get, I went to Target when the school year started. I got eight thread count jersey sheets and I'm not letting them keep them.

Well, I'll say this. I've had a lot of trouble getting into the buildings the last couple weeks because everything that was happening with the mannequin that took over my life. So I know

a few little secret entrances.

And look,

I don't want to do a whole nother Mission Impossible situation, but

we do have all of

our

school.

Oh, why do you want to hate me? Yeah. They're in our sort of school. I have some ghee. I have a bunch of ghee

in my locker that

I

let them take. You cannot give that up.

not

Which quick kitchen corner, you must have ghee

on hand.

Of course. Butter will not do. What else do you put in your coffee every morning? I only cook with ghee. Oh, ghee. You say that word? Get out of here.

But I

like it. And my character likes it. But I just, I think if we really wanted to get in, we can't leave our stuff, you know, but we can't get back into the dorms.

You're not

going to have bard.

Well, look.

One last Havard. I would love, I'll say this, the flavor that was left in my

mouth. We got the coat. We got Havard. We got William. Who was it?

William. And a heartbroken old man. Yeah, we can do anything.

Tom, we're looking at you. We're pointing at

you. It's you.

You know, you've been talking about it

the whole

episode. Look,

here's the plan. Here's the plan, okay? In my bra.

I just need you guys to let me know anything that's in the rooms, in the rooms

that you need that is yours. Todd. Take us with you.

Bust us all in. Well, here's the thing. Todd, you

have to make a diversion. Channel this emotion to do one good performance for the first time in your entire life. Todd. I need you to make the biggest scene. Todd, go behind the mask. You've ever seen happen. Catch this. No, try again. Catch. Oh. One, two, three. Follow it with your eyes. It

fell five minutes ago.

Listen, I'm with you, Howard. I think a fly flew over at the same

time. Howard, I am with you. We have to plan a mission that is our biggest mission ever because I know they've been playing kind of regular, but this school is deeply connected. The money goes all the way to the top. Yes. It's

a conspiracy.

They are not just going to let us go quietly. Follow the money. So I will surround you with an army of drones. Military grade. Yes. Ukrainian drones. Great.

Well, here's. All right. All right. So what I need from my room. Everybody just tell me what you need. Eight thread count. Eight? Now, are you talking. What do you mean by eight thread count? There are eight threads in the whole sheet and they're just

really long threads? Yeah, and they're jersey. I don't know how a thread count

works. So they're hot and weird

and they're t -shirts.

And this is not the t -shirt jersey. This is jersey material.

It's just like the

waffle. The

It stretches out. Like football jerseys. Yeah. It looks like you're sleeping in fishnets.

irritates your skin no matter what. It is.

It

Okay.

So get eight card jersey sheets

or fart sheets. What else do you need? Goya beans. Okay. You can get those at the grocery

store. Black beans. You can get those at the grocery store. I'm not

in there

going to go

am not. Goya beans. These

are Goyas. Back from the big fight. Remember the big Goya fight? Yes. Trump

was pro

-Goya

around it. Keep it cold. Get that for me. Don't let it defrost. Okay.

Listen, listen. Get it to me quick. If it defrosts, we're fucked. I will fly a drone right outside of the window, Howard, and all you have to do is put it in the basket.

Yes. You put it in

the basket. I will

drone it away. Great. We will take it to our second location. Where's the rendezvous point?

Trick question. Oh. We're never meeting again. Genius. We're all jumping in

different directions. Oh, we don't know each other after this. Nope. Everyone stop your iPhone. Everybody will take one of my custom -made masks and go start their new

life.

I don't know if we have to give up our relationship just for that. I want to. It has to happen. For us to get away with it. We'll do. Daddy -o. Maybe. We have to.

Okay. If we want to truly get away with it. We can deal with this later. We can meet back

up in Vienna someday in the future when nobody's

on to us. Sitting in a coffee shop. My dream.

Yes. And then

we

see each other

in

the distance. See me drawing. Tip our hat. Okay. We can deal with this later. Having coffee with Michael Tite. So I'm getting Goya beans. Eight thread count sheets. A VHS copy of Blue Valentine starring

Ryan Gosling and Michelle

Williams.

No sleeve. Loose VHS. No sleeve. Unfortunately, we lost a sleeve. Okay. Also,

you created that VHS because it was not released on VHS.

For my room, I need a sleeve for Blue Valentine. Okay.

And I need. I knew you had it. No.

It's a different

one.

It's different one. You need a

Okay.

VHS

sleeve. VHS sleeve. Is this

all we need?

No. I

need a couple more things. We've got

a tank. A ribbed tank that goes down to my knees.

Oh, your sleep tank.

You tanky. My tube tank that I sleep in. Okay. And that also has two ends that both work. It does. Just like plastic. Just like tube.

Okay. Listen, once we all have what we need, I want everyone

to stick their ass out the window. The drone will come pick you up by your belt. Hang on. Hang on. No, I'm ready. No, but I thought

things

I was going in there to get

were