5. Kazumpet

do that's nice when you do

that at the flagpole racing every

morning yeah that's what i'm doing that's my little routine your

trumpet is something's wrong with it like it's it's like a little muted or something but i i it's it's unbelievable the notes you're hitting it's interesting

it's really

interesting because i know well i i guess i always had a different idea of what a trumpet was yeah i mean like i think this is more of a kazoo type of

situation you're making the noise and there's no read it's a kazumpet

i do it all with my mouth i know it's a kazumpet from the side it looks like a to rump it but it's a kazumpet

but from

the

side

it looks like

it's got donald trump's head to rump it to rump it anyway so that's what i'm doing in the morning if you guys want to wake up before the rooster you will hear it but typically i know

the rooster snoozing the rooster is causing us all to be the rooster at this school which it honestly i didn't even realize we had one because it so infrequently cock -a -doodle -do's well he's out all hours of the night

he's

out what it is is the rooster party

the rooster is part

well not all roosters have to work for us some roosters just want to live their goddamn lives yes these roosters have been the roosters got on tiktok and they're learning about like work -life

capitalism work -life

balance i heard a lot of roosters are not so quietly quitting and then they leave

yeah

cock -a -doodle let's see quit -a -doodle -do it is nice to have the roosters and the animals on campus it does make it feel a little bit more homey in this fancy area

yeah

yeah a lot of the animals are trying to get in on the wake -up call and the cows don't really have it like they can't really get the the volume you need i know again you guys

are go to scream we call them moosters

yes

they've got

the moosters now that's a great name for them the goats of course are goosters yes they're the

goosters the geese are also goosters

geese

campus 5 46 5 46 yeah uh i i it's been tough for me because i get all my best work done uh when everyone else is asleep um so all right a little bit of a night owl

i

am who's also who not around at night yeah he's he's gone

he's more

of a night owl yeah he's he's up around the day he's all messed up the night owl is on totally reversed schedule

well i heard the night owl and the rooster are hanging out together and they're sort of giving each other a little bit of the opposite

yeah they learned from each other like the rooster was like oh i kind of like what you do in the night i was like i'm more of a day guy yeah yeah we're

tired of like being stuck in our roles so they a lot of animals are switching

totally it's a

hurt neck though because he's trying to turn his head like the owl and it doesn't work like that oh i wish you asked me i've been there brother

you try to go 360 with your neck when you see a beautiful lady i do

well it's the only way to get caught not looking

right

is you keep your body the same way and then you yeah and you wear sunglasses on both sides

but you wear sunglasses on both sides nobody knows yes i'm sorry if there was a cut in the video or the audio we had some technical issues i'm fucking pissed off about

it it's all right todd it's okay

i think people get it and it's fine buddy it's

you know can i say something

fine

yes thank you if it's for sale on amazon thank you if it's

for sale okay okay i'm kidding no i'm joking i'm joking look i'm trying to take i'm trying to be funny it was

funny okay good yes it was yes you can yes you can talk if it's for sale on amazon like you worry about these cords it just simply has to work

yeah

how come just because it's on the internet there's no rules anymore you can just buy something and it's just fake yeah amazon submissions

i mean i know that i know we're constantly submitting oh yeah

so barbara sam's on constantly and i tell you what i like their acceptance policy they've accepted just about many things i've done

my store nothing on

my storefront works

nothing

yeah a lot of people get into car crashes with your new contacts or glasses well i don't know what they are and it says contacts

or glasses

is what you'll get well but you're doing a great thing where you're just going like let's counter program you're selling the thickest contacts and the thinnest glasses you can find

some people are saying do thin contacts and thick glasses

some by some people you mean all people exactly

unanimously yeah the reviews are

unanimous but you have to counter program if you're going to put out a huge marvel movie in may that's also when you put out the little dinky love story

because some people are going to marvel but some people got to go to the other thing and so you're saying there's most people want small contacts and probably small glasses

regulation regulation

the counter programming is huge contacts

it's tiny tiny glasses i'm

going after dinky movie we all know that dinky movie works if you put it with marvel

when you're small you have to own your dinkiness

yes and that way you know what market you're filling when you big you can't be dinky anymore you

can't be

yeah your contact and heimer marketing didn't really work you contact and heimer did not work no no no and it was contact and heimer versus the barbie glasses and it i was like they were like what even is this and it's that was eight months ago and accepted

accepted on amazon

selling right now accepted and promoted and featured and customer reviewed our pick

it ended up being our pick on perfect time for thanksgiving go get those gifts for thanks give

oh yeah let let's quickly kitchen corner thanksgiving it's done it's done oh it's just done

it's done so you mean the meal the travel the whole thing it's

done

it's so close to christmas i personally it's the same exact food both times

yes can we be honest there's not a thankful person in our country

no one's giving thanks at these

dinners yeah oh yeah and you get a real sense of that when you come to a place like this

this school can't eat more and give thanks you know yes and i don't

i'm just throwing this big headline out there because it's like gluttony you're taking too much in maybe the actual thing we could do here is quarter counter program thanksgiving

genius

and it's actually it's all the same thing it's no food and it's expressing your sort of gratefulness and thankfulness for being alive by taking a day off

yes

you don't have to

see your family

you're off is a good

day

you know we don't even talk about what

you're off

this thanksgiving you're off everybody's off

because thanksgiving has become its own full -time job what do you mean i gotta open i gotta open

the jar of cranberries now step back

let him cook okay so i gotta brine the turkey overnight to get them all wet and then i put them in the oven all day to dry him off

let him not cook it sounds like

yeah he

doesn't thank you let him roll point i'm off today folks

yes i am um so we're doing you're off this

year we're off this uh last thursday of november well yeah because it's also we were and it was also a situation where they were they were they were asking us to be the four people who stay here for kids who

can't who don't have anywhere to go right we were gonna have to do the holdovers kind of

with the four of us and like the 12 or 15 to 15 kids who don't have families to go home to or whatever but we we told them well there's a new holiday you're off nobody goes home i was thinking about going hard yes to that and doing it in a ruined fashion yeah we'll do that and then just show the kids you should have gone somewhere else this

sucks you made teachers stay here this this holiday sucks there's football and i can't even watch it here's your thanksgiving you watch me play ncaa 2025

this is the one day a year that i love football and i can't watch it

i'll give you one day i'm complaining about not being able to watch

the

fucking game i'm watching the game

i'll give you this thanksgiving a heaping spoonful of me in front of the tv watching the game yum yum yum yum yum that is what you're gonna get

that's

what you're getting i'll tell you what you're getting with

me dominoes dominoes it's dominoes is closed again on this thanksgiving

oh

they're gonna have if somebody keeps telling me that dominoes is better than ever i'm gonna lose my mind dominoes is actually good now

we're back in the corner is that is it that's true it is better than ever really it's better than ever well that's uh yeah

did other dominoes which was never good

yeah it's better than ever

if you if all right here's the thing if every day of your life you eat a big poop and then exactly and then and then one day you you come down for dinner and it's a plate of of

of uh rotten potatoes

i think

we've rethought

the recipe recipe

okay something there

it's when you have to pay for

it yeah which is oh oh that's the kitchen corner recipes yeah i think you've already done this

one have i did this one yeah i think i only texted it

they

need

to put the recipe up higher the recipe must be up higher on these websites i'm scrolling i'm scrolling i'm scrolling just to find out i don't have any of the spices how often are you hurting your finger scrolling

i'm not my finger's stronger than ever

my left thumb is never been hurt scrolling you scroll with your left

thumb

yeah

well i'm left -handed

ah yes you know in all the years that i've known you i don't think i've ever recognized that you're left -handed well that's because i do everything else right -footed

i have noticed that you're right -footed for sure when you paint when you drive

back sign papers

you sign papers i guess i just hadn't seen

the other stuff when i hit

clean up

and softball i'm right -footed

you're right -footed south soul

what is that a play on

southpaw

yes

but no there are a lot's happened this week though we

should catch the listeners up all right we're stepping out of

the kitchen sorry officially we've officially ended officially but

uh again send us your kitchen corners on social media

yeah

what are you complaining about i hear you i don't know am i low am i low i got you sorry that was my amazon bullshit no no no you're right my bad

no this it's amazon

it's i got these headphones from amazon

it's bezos man none of this work why don't we get his kid in here and kill him hold on

todd we we got that memo from the school that cannot be our first

solution to every problem i agree that like without some sort of threat these kids aren't going to respond he's so mob -minded

i

so mob

know he's

oh you know that kid i told that kid abdul i brought him in and i said here's a picture of your house he said why are you showing that todd and i said why do you think abdul

these corporations

full trump strategy yeah he said that debate and i was like that's what i do

yeah

can't do that he

you

showed the leader of a terrorist organization a photo of his own house

is

as a threat to say if you don't stop doing what you're doing i'm gonna blow up your house you cannot be you can't go into exxon mobil and be like i know where your mother lives okay

whose which ones well then what all they have to do to make that never happen again and by the way after i did that fully stocked on the horny goat weed

you were going after the gas company you were going after the

lack of horny goat weed that didn't have horny

todd i don't

goat weed

bed

does horny

goat weed do anything he said i don't have enough goat energy in the

bedroom

horny i'm looking for oh i'm horny but i need goat in there you know is horny goat weed for you or your lady

oh my lady my lady doesn't need it but i oh

yeah i

really it's crazy my

lady doesn't even

need it it's for me i really thought i thought things were going so well with this with this new girlfriend todd i

thought you you would you would probably you know relax you'd stop doing stuff like threatening gas station attendance and threatening to murder jeff bezos's son i thought you'd

maybe chill out a

little bit i i'm chill but when you got your lady waiting for you you go in

first of all the extra small condoms you have to ask for which is for me against the rules why keep those behind the counter

i think

i think we all know why i think we all know why and they have that camera that's really close up front so it gets a close -up i don't know what they do with those videos

i

todd i want to tell you i actually do know about i know i know the the people who are doing that to you it's the same producers as infrared blast

oh no it's ribiero yes don't tell me those are on

afv it's alfonso ribiero

it's an offshoot yes it's it's you're gonna be on condom you're on you know

that the the plexiglass with the little speaker that you're speaking to the person behind

that

that's actually piped into the studio

i am

enunciating so well when

i see those what do you need sir they say

yeah you say

some

condoms smallest

size

it's but your microphone work is becoming amazing

it's really if if the worst thing that comes out of this is that i get some vo work over

my well hold on we have we have the wave files do we want to just pipe them in real

quick i can't believe you're going to do

this well they were nice enough to condom truth

it comes on after infrared blast this fall 9 30 p

.m so we did have it but i was on

condom

truth i also

heard they have so much footage that they're thinking about spending it off into a second show yeah

really we'll see oh just more different condom related yeah there's just so many hours they can't fit it all in one season yeah more condom truths so

it's a second show

they can sell double the advertising on

this well this time they also have a camera on the guy that works there so it's a little bit of call and response

yeah i'm gonna play the wave file that got us picked up for the first season just as hot

ordering yeah we yeah not me

not us the royal us the royal us

hey man what can i get you hey how you doing i'm good man what can i get you i know what

you're right

i know what you're here for just say it um actually back up just a little bit back up just a little bit and then um

chin down all right i'm gonna keep my lips forward what was that said it said like when the dmv takes a

picture oh yeah it was just a 4k camera no big deal

great

okay i'm not robbing you so i'm fine being on this camera what

can i get you the height thing is wrong there's no way i'm 5 '2 by the way the height thing behind me

yeah you can get off your knees i don't know what you're doing

oh sorry it's just easier for you to

give me sir what do you need just ask for the

small condoms could i get the magnums

sure but you have to prove it

okay well today just i'll get extra small then

hey i've been there brother i get it it's cold out it's cold

outside it's a little colder

how many did you want

just don't want to keep coming back for

these okay cool do you want to do singles or do you want to do a 300 pack what's the price difference um they're way more expensive as singles

yeah i just don't have room for the big box though

yeah all the extra packaging

let me do 300 singles count them out

for me

hey buddy can you hustle up please

okay i am trying to get extra small condoms right now because i went into

just use my bill counter for the condoms i was tired of doing them one by one so i threw the condoms in the bill the bill counter did you want these laundered by the way oh is that something you offer

yeah we can launder these how

people launder money yeah

so that you put it

sorry i got my wires crossed that's a different show i

brought okay great yeah i'll take a uh launder sir i'll have you know i'm about to have sex with my girlfriend

awesome

so uh

i guess they cut

out there because they didn't believe it

after that whoa

that was yeah that would that that really worked yeah 300 singles i would watch that show and i will watch that show as a producer i'm finding out that we are we are we are producing it

it's by the way there's no shame whatever your penis size

is yes it's the one thing about your body you cannot control

that is what god gave us and in her knowledge i'm not gonna like stop

to

give you points just continue through this story she very good time good does not give us any challenges

that we that isn't even like a woke thing yeah cannot handle yeah so god and all her

whiz

who did this work on who did this work whiz smart that's not

well she's not whiz

dumb okay todd it's not even spelled that way okay todd well i mean you did reference your girlfriend in the uh condom truths

clip i think that's why todd's a little bit annoying he's so in love right now that he's just kind of like it's

softened him in a weird way that i'm

not comfortable seeing him right and it's kind of weird it's a big switch it's a big switch i don't know what would be annoying i get brunches all the time now um i wake up and i nuzzle

well i've i think something that's been a little

bit annoying to me talking about it all

i think you you haven't gotten the courage to post these on tiktok yet but you have been sending little videos to the group text of you making uh making really intricate little lunches and brunches for your honey

oh i make

my honey yeah i

show my love to my honey in the meals that i make for her uh you sent us a picture of a burnt grilled cheese that said cooking for the love of my

life the other day

yeah that was her bento box yeah you can't you just because the containers are cute doesn't mean you can put burnt bad food in it and it's sweet okay

you're not a

cook i i think i i and i you are not a cook okay nixon okay nixon

all right

it is cute to see you taking care of your lady and just feeling so

moved it's definitely a different side that i've never seen before

exactly it is really

nice

it is a certain sense i made her a matcha tea

uh -huh right and it's wonderful because i have all these reusable containers so she brings them back mostly full and i can just dump them out and make the next day's meal in there

what do you think she's putting back in there that's green and

what do you oh i don't she's giving you them back fully full of food you made her no maybe she's drinking everything and then replacing it just so it has the same weight all the time

what it is i thought she wasn't eating or drinking my food but she's probably

that's

so hey if you're happy if you're happy

i'm happy for you todd i just never thought i'd be like supporting you in this way and it's interesting it's nice to see you sort of

honestly just not be in a fight with somebody

you're like agreeing for the first time ever your your creativity actually seems like it's working you're actually writing plays the roof

yeah plays poems

short novellas i am just i can't stop right very short

i was

also

sometimes you can't tell the difference between a poem and a poem

novella no oh

novellas tell a story and the poems are more uh ethereal and i was uh love love love most of them are acrostic i'll say

love loving my lady oh orgasms sometimes v very sexy lady

e everyone knows the orgasms thing was not true

that's good so e for everyone knows or orgasms always never never oh okay right now

but it doesn't matter it's just right now yeah

right

now it's early

well it's early

you don't know forever that's the thing in a relationship you don't know about the future

you

only know about right now

does it feel good right now good are you having orgasms right now no it is just so hard to be vulnerable in bed with somebody take

your clothes off tell them what you like for me

pure silence hope we like the same thing if not i'll go to the bathroom and figure it out afterwards yeah oh my

god

so you have a tough time kind of getting started with with what we want to do tonight or right because i've noticed your house and also your room has a ton of holes banged into the wall are you doing sort of like a glory hole situation with

your gs or are you spying on her hoping you could figure out her needs

or are you sexually

frustrated and you're punching the wall every chance that you can well there were a couple that were penisized and then a couple that looked like they were for the front of women like not really a hole but more of

like a big square i guess you'd call it a box right yes my room is now more whole than wall i would say and it's all three of those things they're all options

sometimes i'm spying just to know what she's into so that i can uh it's a good way to find out once you leave the room she'll really

let her sexuality well if you if you ask people they're embarrassed sometimes it's like what are the two scariest things in the world to people dogs dogs

yeah that's one of them yeah dogs for sure death and death yeah yeah

so what are you talking about

i guess you're talking about three and four

and then we get to

three and four so it's dogs beavers beavers of course we can do the list beavers kind of works i see what you're

saying no not in that sick way no no literally just beavers are scary what are they doing they could breathe

they could

create a whole ecosystem with the dams they

make right what's up those teeth so then we get to number four so it's dogs it's death it's beavers but what are people the fourth most scared

being broke being

broke

yeah of course

so you do some of that

in your room

you do some of course being broke behind beavers yes but you

know beavers number

my god and todd you've been writing some uh you've been leaving

female magazines around the house of like how to please your man these are self -written

things cosmo and sort of your version of a cosmo to sort of like speak to her harvey wallbanger yes harvey wallbanger yes

she doesn't know yet that harvey wallbangers isn't a real magazine what is harvey wallbanger

i think it's one of the most disgusting alcoholic drinks you can

order it's a cocktail but it's also a play on words and i think subconsciously because i make all these holes in the walls i

must be thinking about that

right

right

right

wallbangers to speak to tell your woman what she should like things that you do that are actually good ten different ways to please todd podras

yeah well yeah you shouldn't that he ran that title

by us and we were like

todd she's gonna know

i'll also say that before you published it you should have finished the list it

got hard

yeah

it's

to get your girlfriend

you're trying

to fix your apartment through a magazine called harvey wallbangers with a list with one entry and it's supposed to have ten

i cannot figure out like i am so focused on the holes when we're trying to have sex

that i need them patched and so i'm hoping she does after reading harvey wallbangers patching drywall is really a problem it's really

hard it's really tough because then you gotta paint over it you gotta sand it

probably first smooth it out paint over

it again todd you know what i feel like i haven't done my due diligence as a friend

what

do you love most about

can we say her name on

the podcast what's her name did we have we said her name i believe we

may have and we did we did what do you love most about what's her name

well we know it's not her name i knew that question was coming and the first thing that flashed in my mind has to be her hair i like her hair so

beautiful

much that's

nice beautiful full

hair

a little bit of a throwback she does like one of those sort of like big 80s kind of

yeah pound for pound most hair in the world yeah

blowouts

guinness guinness world record

holder pound for pound yeah yeah

not length what does that mean pound for pound like how is

that it means not comparing on equal it's like it's like if you're bigger you're you are like it's it's basically eliminating variables

that are in equal as the crow flies

i

see so so by

and large yeah by and large pound for pound is as the crow flies okay okay okay

so i guess her hair um you know she loves tv um and i'm a fan of the arts

so you know it's

like a lot of she'll just watch tv all

day you love that about her this

is your

the heaviest hair on earth and she watches tv all

she has

that's so you must connect over that she's watching tv so much

she's not going to work

she doesn't she has a pretty important job well

she works at a school yeah she works at our one of our rival schools she's a theater teacher there but theater stuff you could take the day off it's the same

thing that's nice to hear

they're right in the middle of

a workshop

yeah

yeah tennessee williams brilliant writer

um yeah but you you guys have hobbies you know when you're just so

into a hobby you forget what time it is and all of a sudden it's like i am 11 hours into ncis and i had no idea i i forgot

don't talk to me about a flow state

i will get caught in a flow state and you will find me somewhere else the other day i went down a water slide

and i was flowing

that's how you get to your flow state that's right well because

that is perfectly difficult for you yes going down a water slide

it's

not too hard

that you're gonna give up but it's not so easy that you get bored my man knows exactly how it works even though it is a little challenging for you i would say

yeah i don't like the water i'm afraid of it i hate to swim i feel like a cat in water

so the slide heights are also tough for you heights are tough i can't walk up the big structure climbing is tough

for

you going up or going down lifeguards are hard the latex of the tube really

chaps my ass daytime is tough for you daytime sunburns my skin bad we know that top 40 music yeah makes me enraged

love regular ice cream

i

a person in front of you and behind you but when you're on that slide you can't think about any of those things because you're so terrified that you're just in the zone like you're saying and you

don't even know that time is passing sam mostly goes down these uh uh on his stomach head last so looking back where he came

from screaming and clawing

as if he was trying he finds his way to that position by at the last second

regretting

pushing off and trying to turn around and grab back onto the top of the slide

usually grabbing the lifeguard

bringing him with you their trunks have gotten higher and higher because of you they now wear the drawstring over their net to avoid getting pants and and they all have to carry they all have to open carry

now yeah

because if i pull them right we could both drown so you were getting

yeah they shoot me you guys can go down the slide

if i'm hands if i'm hands they shoot at my ass and i think it's good for everybody because it's definitely teaching us all lessons

yes yeah i think there was a lot of things they could have done between uh the first time this happened and getting guns and shooting

anyway i love a flow state i know

exactly what you're talking about 100 % that's my man trying to relate to me in the deepest most passionate love

no we're not trying to bring

you down i mean like this week we we really put her on the hot seat we all had a group dinner with her to make sure she wasn't here to get secrets and it's wait what when did you guys do that

you were there

you were there you were sitting at the head of the table real real tall you were sitting up tall

which day was it uh

sunday

or

sunday it was like

sundown sundown on

wednesday the owl had just screamed the owl had just screamed the rooster the rooster had just gotten an uber to go to the bar

really yeah oh that's weird because

i'm

so sorry

was wednesday night what's wrong with your memory you were there

i was complimenting you on your complexion well no the whole night you ordered chicken no seasoning rice nothing on it all white and smooth

that's how i ordered it yeah boiled chicken boiled

rice

no

huh yeah what we were like okay i mean like you must be going through something

you guys must got the day the day wrong because wednesday night was that day that i told you guys about how uh the kids who run that little uh club with that all the kids they're like they call it a secret society

yeah uh they needed a facilitator and so i went out there wednesday night to the the little uh their little meeting

which that's nice of you to

give them extracurricular stuff to do yeah you need a facilitator yeah it was freaky though it was pretty pretty spooky they they

you know kids

they like goth music my chemical romance stuff like that yeah no this one this felt a little bit more ritualistic uh

string you up or something not string me up they sort of sat me in the middle of a circle sat at the five points of a pentagram uh they string you down to the

ground they string me down string yeah they

tied me down to the ground a pentagram yeah oh i guess it wasn't a pentagram because it was only three it was only three kids are you telling me these kids are

devilistic it's

philippi's son the devilistic

these no these kids aren't devilistic

they were just hanging out and asking me questions they

uh

philippi's son

they asked me uh all sorts of questions if i'd ever seen uh the beyond they uh whoa

yeah it

was all these

that i was a little freaked out about but then we sort of did that for about 15 -20 minutes and then um

questions

i kind of i guess fell asleep and then they i woke back up and they were gone and so i've made my way back to the apartment

making my way downtown oh

michelle

branch's son is one of them it was philippi branch and one other kid i don't know who's parent

lauren michaels lauren michaels lauren michaels is lauren michaels daughter that's right lauren michaels i think you were involved in some sort of devil thing

there's no and

we were at dinner with a man no that's what people need to think a lot of people think these kids rich kids rich people are part of the illuminati

or some kind of secret society they're commuting with satan

they think that these kids are commuting with the devil to get big boons where

they'll be rich forever if they sacrifice the life of a virgin or whatever that's not what is happening

and it's so hard to find a virgin these days exactly and of course we all know that i have at one time in my life had sex so if they thought what they were doing was sacrificing some kind of virgin then it's just not going to

work everybody knows that all these high society people know all the real truths of the world so i wouldn't be surprised if you were getting ritualistically sacrificed to create some sort of magical energy that is

known about but well

howard you are just the the most ripe sacrifice if you're trying to get to bl's a

you know what i think that actually says something about howard too i know that you feel a lot of times like tossed out or like you know people are picking on you or whatever

i think it's because you're such a valuable sacrifice

we know that if you get rid of howard that's a big blow

there's always been devil worshippers on your tail

but

like and that's another reason why we think you're a virgin it's like sure of course like

no riz no game has never fucked but it's it's a lot of us

you know actively avoiding being tailed by people in red suits with pitchforks

they really dress up for it they

look like him

i thought you were trying to conjure him not be him hey you look

like him

you look just like him yeah i feel like he doesn't want people to be exactly in his image because that's like kind of his shtick like don't you think he'd change his style if everybody was just aping it when he gets

there you're gonna have to immediately look worse than him

he's gonna look like the actual thing and you're a bad knockoff if you just be a fan just be a fan i said did you see that interview where the devil was like don't come up to me if you see me

i'm the devil but when i'm walking down the

right

street i'm off i'm at work i'm at work yeah

the devil is a project that is my

job don't call me the fallen one yeah

that's for my friend you think if you just saw the most beautiful angel in the street you think you could go up to him and ask for a picture or something like that

yeah but i know but it's like i mean i if i see him i want to go up to him it's like i'm inspired by you know what a piece of shit he is and all the art he

puts out and bad stuff he does i'm like

i like feeling not alone as an evil man

i have to respect anyone on either end of the extreme spectrum you know

what i mean because at least they're going for it at least they're going for it and nobody agrees with them that's a hard place to be to have no friends and nobody wants to listen to you and you and you sound crazy

right so

you well look i don't want to point fingers i don't want to i

don't want to sort of claim to your throat there

i don't know

again there we go there you go that's the devil that could be the devil always

you know i i i hate to point fingers i hate to think i hate to sort of commit to the stereotype of rich kids being uh sort of of these types of sort of evil

creatures uh

so i refuse to believe it because if y 'all think that's what what's happening is they have sort of communed with these fucking mannequins to to to create a new version of me and they're going to sacrifice me and then

there's just going to be a mannequin version of me living my life that's that is far fetched even for us

i'll tell you what howard when we were grilling his girlfriend the other night you were putting the pressure on like nobody's business

staring at her ass and she got so scared that she finally told us the truth mannequin you is so uh uh just has a an importance about that

totally

okay well i got that low -cut spaghetti strap really shows off the musculature which is intimidating

really yeah i'm glad it's in season and i love to see it on you and it made me want to buy it when i saw it

yeah

what do you i

are we still going to macy's today at four

yeah

absolutely okay as soon as the bell ring macy's after we saw what

harard was wearing we're driving straight to macy's oh yeah that's another thing we need to give macy's a break during thanksgiving we have

we are over

back in the

of macy's one hour y 'all can close the kitchen corner up if you want but i'm in it i'm always in it we got to give macy's a break um

howard

i

uh how do i say this hate you

this will be really good

no when

when he figures out his words it's

usually

really

good all right so this either you're just gonna give

me five ten minutes i no think good thing happened here

whoa okay uh no

that's a play right i'm a little free words yeah i'll take i'll take the sentiment i understand what you mean and i'll i you know i am a little freaked but you know this isn't a problem that i this isn't a problem bigger than something that i haven't handled before so if there's a mannequin me out there living my life while these kids are trying to figure out a way to sacrifice me to be alzibub be

alzibub

be alzibub be alzibub

then i'm not gonna let it happen chuck chuck a cheese's brother be

alzibub yeah this ain't my first rodeo okay i've i've had people coming after me for a long time i

know i've i've been the victim of some pretty

serious heinous crimes and i'm not gonna let it happen again so if this mannequin is gonna try to sort of take over my life uh i would ask you guys uh to to maybe we have a safe word from now on

when you see me

the first thing you say to me is like a certain question or a phrase and then if i respond

with the actual phrase then you know it's me if i if i don't know the phrase

then it's not me so we like it's like a safe word like when me and mr mr strina used to play we had a safe word uh

and so maybe

we have a safe word also now it's old storylines oh that's that's the deepest it's gonna go but okay but maybe this is a

good way for us to handle do you have a safety word in mind um my mind is plum out

but i would love a question like um

plum out uh i hate plum out yeah like do you have any

plum

out plum out

do you have any

plum

out is that something only you could know

yes right from now on the first thing y 'all say to me when you see me is do you have any and if i do

not say plum out then that is a mannequin version of me trying to live my life that is really good good yeah

do

you have any

plum out

it's you it's it's you it's howard he hasn't been sacrificed

yet i just did think about though if if for example right now i was this mannequin version of me we

just talk now

the mannequin knows that plum out is the

phrase and maybe it's actually that well what me is somewhere in the during the break let's order some food what do you want to eat let's see if it's mannequin okay

if you do if you order like

man see that's really unfair because i do love unseasoned chicken damn sure

what i'm second

guessing

is

what if we walk

now part of solving a problem is being aware of the problem and now that we know that there's potentially a mannequin version of me roaming around campus then that's a problem that we can address head -on and from now on the first as long as you guys know the first thing you say to me when you see me

do you have any you have any and i will let you know that i am plum out

perfect

that's a this is iron

cloud

it

is it seems like a foolproof system

okay

i am starving me too

let's order what do you guys think a little panera

are we gonna spend are we gonna do something that fancy do you want to go that fancy i don't know that i have panera

money

it's just right right what do we think and then um taco bell

i just don't want to go extravagant today

yeah right right to gym boys those greasy or cheaper tacos gym boys gym boys

what about bowling alley uh fried cheese fries cheese fries now that's cheap

i'll have to move some money

around but yeah we can do that all right let's go to the bowling alley

but hey hey can we not bowl this time

i just want to eat i i'm so tired of saying yes to lunch we always become an alcoholic we always get roped into bowling so

not do that let's make sure we don't do that

let's

okay a little editor's note here on our way to the bolero we found

out todd use your regular voice

this is what you do in podcasts when something special is happening

okay sorry sorry i didn't mean to interrupt you

on the way to the bolero we found out that we actually had a mandatory etiquette class parents weekend is next weekend and we have to be trained in etiquette for being around the rich parents

and just a heads up i was a little late to the etiquette class so in the beginning i won't be there little heads up for you all

this is sam speaking i was late to the etiquette class you know we can tell from your voice okay yours too tob

i'm there as myself i'm also there all four of us are there and now we cut to the etiquette class

uh so hungry

was so i was starved i my mouth was water i was gonna eat a handful of jalapeno

i

nacho jalapenos i can't

believe you have to wear these tuxedos

ridiculous

also this water is disgusting

so gross

sparkling water what the

hell god i hate it i sneezed in the woman's face when she hit it

because the bubbles

and then

that happens to me when i take a sip of sparkling water it tickles

my nose and i sneeze gentlemen gentlemen

only do you have anything less than tap

sorry

gentlemen i've walked into the room and said gentlemen let's please listen thank you so much um you're here because the school has mandated etiquette rules

now as you can see it's only the men that are here because the women seem to get it okay

so we're gonna work on

your bullshit and

i'm i was prepared for that i'm used to that kind of response uh listen we have some very fancy parents at this school and parent teacher week is coming up and they have some expectations and you guys are the newest people at our school and i'm not sure you know how to fit in so

we're just gonna go over some stuff some expectations how to be how to talk how to walk how to sit regular uh

yeah

okay this will be quick all right i'm just what can we like i just have so much shame because i don't know where the fork goes i don't know what's the salad fork i don't know what any of that stuff is and i feel you know like trash because of it so i just wanted to start out saying i'm i i am ready to learn

you know i actually really appreciate that that's a great attitude to start this class with thank you

you're welcome also ready to learn i have a lot of questions about what the fork is used for in the meal why do we have a fork a spoon and a knife i can do it all with one i promise you that i promise you that

why did you come in so sloppy and you're just getting your clothes together right now

yeah

you came in with a fully open tuxedo and you're you're finishing getting dressed at the beginning of class

would you rather me not get

dressed i don't know how to answer the question the email was skipped

by me

he skipped the email i saw my compadres in their tuxedos and i said i don't have one but i can button up my white shirt and turn a napkin into

a bow tie sir can we ask you real quick

why you are qualified to teach us etiquette like you don't you know are you fancy have you been doing etiquette your whole life were

you well into etiquette i studied at the meriwether school in london

want to tell you i'm not going to be a problem it is a problem to speak in the middle of other people's sentences okay i just want you to know these guys are tough i'm pretty soft

i just

i'm pretty nice and soft so these two they're going to be a problem i'm going to be a good student i'm sorry for interrupting you but i felt like you were lumping me in with these two and i promise you i'm not going to be like why don't we start with our first lesson of the day no throwing other employees under the bus

one of the worst

that all the time all the time

that's not a great lesson for him i wouldn't say it's throwing people under the bus i'd say it's acknowledging reality

his name is howard levis and he always throws people under the

bus his name is todd padre and he smells like a bus okay so

right now oh i won't have it i won't have it right now i

won't have it right now we're doing the exact that's phil cravey and he never defends anyone but other than

himself right now we're doing the exact thing you were

asked to do i'm saying the truth and that's etiquette i'm saying i'm

admitting gentlemen please sorry what is the meriwether school of etiquette why are you so fancy how because you're learning to be a fine gentleman you're learning what's expected in the upper crust of society i don't know where you guys are from but take that scarf off

take that scarf off and those riding glasses and gloves

they're from

listen you're

riding you have a

fight with you guys we're here to take a class

sorry we're being we came in hot sorry it's okay i'm not crust i was told there'd be pizza

gentlemen it feels like you are delighting and not following directions it really feels like you're delighting in not making this happen

okay all right since you're so leadership why don't you lead this etiquette class and i'm just gonna go

toga style

because i cannot get it around my body he's gonna wear it like a sash i don't care about your tuxedo right now i just

want to get through a lesson okay fantastic so we're not gonna throw each other under the bus

i appreciate all the listening that's been happening since that moment thank you i really feel like i have your attention and that makes me feel seen it makes me feel respected do you guys feel respected by how i'm talking to you

yes

i guess i'll say i never realized how much i like it when someone nods as they're speaking to me it does feel like they're sort of it's a way of engaging so

yes well i would like can i start by showing you my handshake

good luck buddy

we were gonna get to that later we want to make sure that we're doing professional greetings but yes i'd love to shake

your

hand

that's actually very that's a lie and then do the real one bill okay again

we're throwing

each other

that's a very good i'm gonna i'm gonna start well well well

no don't do well well

okay i wouldn't go cartoonish on this greeting okay okay

why don't we do a handshake and say hello

okay i want you to know to be that i hate strong really hard handshakes so i've gone the other way okay okay so i'm gonna cut the well well well okay i'm gonna say like hello my name's bill cravey offer my hand perfect good

okay shake and here we go okay squeeze back though you gotta squeeze back just a little bit you made it limper okay

that was unhelpful that was see that good job bill that felt good gentlemen you try you tried you're

doing there are stakes to this there are stakes

gentlemen if we embarrass

steaks uppercut i thought it was uppercut i ordered the chicken

actually i ordered the chicken

where's the crust you guys how do you guys get through life you have this isn't even a fun thing to be rude at that you will get this class you could be done with in 30 minutes and beyond with the rest of the day looks like you're choking yourself with that napkin sir oh he's stuffing

napkin in no i'm a 15 neck i'm a 15 neck

the

no one is doing your measurements except your triple digits neck

there's no point in lying to yourself about your measurements

how does he have he's got a 120 inch neck it's crazy

it is crazy because the body is so thin and then it looks like todd swallowed a

giant wreck

mr

fancy's biting over here he's making fun of you

yeah todd

i've always said that todd's body is kind of shaped like a big gulp cup

it gets really

it's bigger way bigger on top than it is on the bottom you guys are all very lucky i got stuck under a bus this morning and i'm not feeling like fighting you because if i didn't i would fight the hell out of you

well and i appreciate the restraint this is a big thing there is no fighting on our campus or just off of our campus you're not allowed to be just on the other side of the campus limit line

and fight when these parents come a lot of these parents are benefactors they're donors right we

cannot risk yeah everything that they give to the school i get it yeah i actually come from money i don't know if you know that about me so i i understand the the way that these people probably approach the world and that's why again i try to be as cool and and

calm and kind as i can introduce yourself

okay well uh hey there

how are you sure hi how are you my name is howard levis great to meet you let me give you a little handshake

hey there buddy

hey how are you nice to meet you ow

you're doing what he oh one of those buzzers

it didn't even go off it just poked a cheap joke shop buzzer you got got buddy where's the crust

what is

this it's funny it's funny you know i'm trying to ask you a question okay how do you plan to deal with these parents when they come to talk to you about their classes and their kids in their classes some of these parents and i'm not kidding are trillionaires what

i didn't know we had

really ours

wow trills

i knew we were chameleonaires but

trillionaires yes he and his child both go here

he is often riding

gonna ask i was gonna make sure that he was riding dirty all right well let's say that you are um uh beth wilson one of the uh highest society moms

dirty i was

this absolutely okay hey beth how you doing

hi i'm good

how are you slow too slow wow i actually respected that oh yeah

just kidding i was acting that was horrible you cannot do that to a teacher or to a parent you cannot do that to a parent

especially a woman i don't know why it's different but it is you cannot

so there are

especially certain

groups well how about what if you do this

yes yes everybody knows that can we

do that you have to be nicer to women than men we all societally agree groups can i can we do another another role play

i think i know what todd did wrong can i

do one

isn't there ow

ow ow i haven't touched you yet

you guys are clearly very used to faking lawsuits that's something

that we're not going to be doing well the lawsuits aren't

fake buddy

we just

what did you almost call me

he wanted to

but he backed off is that etiquette that i did appreciate now keep here's here let's start here do that but keep going in that direction about a hundred points

okay into

respect i'll do i'll pretend you're beth wilson one of the parents here and we'll do another introduction i'm i'm i guys casing beth

wilson or something why are we both i don't want to give you a whole other character yeah i don't want to give you a whole other character it feels like a lot

for you yeah so

or hear him yeah so it'll be like oh hi uh yeah hi uh hi beth i'm howard levis it looks like you got something on your shirt there oh um too slow slap you in the

nose that's

slap

bam

nose again you right up in the nose you're not even allowed to slap any of the men but you definitely cannot slap the women i'm sorry that

me in

the

i

still think you don't want to goof a woman right when you meet her i just am not sure

that they're gonna slap her the nose with your

finger i already said no to that

that was the

first thing

we

said

i strip her like with when i when you throw one leg behind the other she farts i say tornoff and i punch her there what is wrong with you three

we're

angry

we're angry you have to let shows out we're hanging

where is upper crust where's the guy

why don't we do this we thought there was

food you guys

you guys go to lunch you relax and then i all i need is you just to fill out no

fill

no no actually no

i just need you hi bill craving oh just look i

just need you to sign the pdf that you were here that's it i need you to sign the pdf we just deleted docusign yeah

how did you delete it it's a gmail feature we

didn't

want what are your emails by the way what are your emails i don't get all at no .com so

you own no .com yeah i

got it day one of internet

because

i kept saying that when people were like do you want the internet and i said no .com so you were funny very early i was very funny very

early on the internet

not on it actually but

about it yeah we do need this class we have to we have to know something it is i'm sorry

i get carried away sometimes joking around when these guys joke we're getting carried away and we're hangry

yeah that's okay what are you guys gonna go grab for lunch something good

we were going to the bowling alley to get uh oh cheese fries the bowling you know the bowling alley part was condemned the only thing

yeah the bowling alley was as soon as it was condemned they started serving food and that's

we wait for the we wait for the condemn rating get the food from there the condemnation i also say i think it only got condemned because the health inspector kept getting gutter balls so he thought bowling was unfair

every every sport has been like the bar has been condemned out at the at the the batting cages

condemned field has condemned golf course condemned

he's just bad at sports and he's mad that's too bad our town sucks

our town sucks listen i'm tired

are you angry i'm hangry i'm tired of this so then you get it cover

okay todd it's time to learn etiquette from the king

todd etiquette hadre let me show you how it's done

how do you get so into your own bullshit so quickly

what do you mean into my bullshit this is just who i am i'm doing the thing i'm most of the class man i can't breathe right now because of my style but i look good let's talk etiquette of style yeah okay slim is in for clothes slim fits the buttons

just barely connect as you put them in and then when you sit down everything splays wide open but no one knows you're big because you're wearing slim clothes yes pack yourself into anything

it slims you high waist tiny belt the tiny belt helps separate the tummy as it goes down

two sections of as it goes down this is not

the class i teach at all this is just fashion

talk

just read the pamphlet he's teaching out of which you should have a book that's pretty sad it's a triple

folded what's the matter can't find someone to bind it don't talk to any parents like

having trouble

binding hi bill

what is wrong with you guys in real life i

craven

didn't

touch you i didn't touch you i i'm now wearing a body cam because i don't trust you i'm gonna exit the room and goodbye good luck we switched the exit with the entrance you're coming right

back

and you're right back in here

look you walk right back in

hey what's up guys what did i miss

uh

sam you know me

baby it's like coming back to cheers when i see

my we lost you on the walk from the bowling alley oh god did you hear the bowling alley and the cafe are condemned

yes we heard about no the cafe no more food

what

no more food they must be throwing it out then

well yeah

is the dumpster being condemned the dumpster is actually a new pop -up oh good as soon as they pop up the lid they're selling oh it's a dumpster pop -up it's mr bin right mr bin is doing another trash pop -up well it's mr bean

it's a

mexican

stay flippy!