6. Sleep Crapnea

All right, well, why don't we just go through the notes here and just see what

they said.

I say we

just... They were

already

Was that a hearing? I mean,

technically it was a hearing. It was the

headmaster. We got decimated. They had tiny microphones.

Yes. They had tiny

microphones. They were all sitting behind,

you

Yeah.

Way above us.

Decimated. I couldn't

reclaim my time

at all. Do you think it was helpful on my end that I went full scent of a woman? I think I played blind pretty well. And I think I did Pacino pretty well.

I did think so.

Thank you. Great,

thank you.

We

see who I...

can't

I can smell a woman. Your cadence

is perfect.

Yes. We

had Pete Buttigieg come in and do prep against me for scent of a woman.

We were so prepared and it fell apart. I think we should... For a little context, folks, if you're listening, we had a...

It's been a rough week here in

the lounge. We've been slapped on the wrist.

You want context?

I wish it was the wrist. I don't know what's

going on.

Just listen. It doesn't matter. Our pants have been

pulled to the ground in the toy aisle of a Walmart and we got our tail tore up.

Yeah, absolutely. Tore up. And

let's just say undies down too. This was

a

full on... Oh!

Full little baby butt out. Spanking.

Yeah.

Because you want a toy. Apparently... Apparently, the students... Apparently. Apparently. The students... Did y 'all see that video?

I just saw that. That just made it to us. Yeah. Everything's making it to our algorithm.

I saw one about a kid who likes turtles also.

Yes.

Put that dog.

Pet that dog.

We're seeing all the new stuff. All the new stuff. This kid David at the dentist is out of his mind.

Everything we're getting.

Then they did this video. Wait,

you

saw him at

the dentist?

I saw David at the dentist. David and I go to the same dentist.

Whoa. Oh, wow. You saw him before... You saw him before after.

Yeah.

I saw him before after. Wow.

Wow. David at the dentist. But also, I saw a video where... I saw a video in your life. Yeah, kid. And it gets worse every day. I saw one where a little girl's a landlord. Oh, yeah. With Will. That's me. Yeah, with Will. Will's

in that video. I love Will's stuff in that. Do you know David at the dentist is now 97 years old?

Yes. They wheeled him

out next to Jimmy

Carter.

At the dentist. It was him, Jimmy Carter, and Kirk Douglas, right? I'll tell you what. It was those three. Don't. Do not put a single picture of these guys on

feed ever again.

my

The scariest thing in the world to me is facing death.

And don't forget the

prince. If somebody tells me that you might be lucky to live to 100,

I got a few photos to show. When I'm 70 years old, that's when I start to carry a gun. Anybody pulls out a camera, they're getting

sniped. No way. Don't take me out in the yard after I'm 72. Do not take me outside. I'm inside.

And don't leave me in a car alone. Don't leave me in a car and then come right back.

There's nothing sadder. Yeah. It's dog rules. And I got to say on Reddit, so you're telling me when I scroll through we're blurring naked women, but these photos of old guys come into my

face. That's safe for work? Yeah. No way. That's not safe for work or home.

Yeah. Seeing mortality? No, thank you. And I don't look like it. That's the other

thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It doesn't remind me of the mirror. Well, I will say when you sleep, it's a pretty wide open mouth. You're looking directly into the sun, wide open mouth, out in the yard, sleeping.

We used to have to... Well, I'll just make this about me, not my dad. People have to walk into the room and put their finger in front of my mouth to make sure I'm alive when

I'm sleeping. Of course. Everybody's doing fog tests. They're doing mirror fog

tests on me. Well, you started... Instead of a... Oh, he's gone. Fog tested.

We still got fog?

Thank God. He's

laughing.

Yeah, no. You have a sleep apnea machine, but it's not for sleep apnea. It's just a little mirror being held up

to your nose and mouth. Yeah, it's a sleep fog mirror. I do have

a sleep crapnea machine.

You did do a sleep study, but it just wasn't very scientific.

No,

no. So you have a tube in your butt for sleep crapnea, and it keeps you from farting and waking up everybody?

Well, because when you... Is that what it is? It doesn't have to be. You nailed it. You

nailed it on that. Because I know

when you're sleeping, your butthole keeps closing up, and you want it to be open so you can bleed. If it stays closed for too long, I'll die.

Well, see, this is the kind of fun that they're trying to censor

us out

of, which is, to me, absolute

bullshit. So how did it happen?

Well, as far

as I know, what happened was, I guess some students got wind of the pod. I didn't know students listened to this podcast. Oh, they're on

us. They know everything we do. And you know, these kids have high -powered parents, lawyers, and everything, and they

went... And they complained to the school, and so in the last week, we got...

Wait, did you say

attorneys? Yeah, they have

lawyers, they have attorneys. They have attorneys, they

have litigators. If they're high -powered, they're attorneys.

They're attorneys. Yeah, sorry. And you'll be speaking to mine. Yeah.

Well, my lawyer. Yeah.

Unfortunately, we tried to get attorneys, and we couldn't. We only got

lawyers. Well, we got Scungio, Scungio, and Barnes. Actually, I heard Barnes just left him.

Oh,

no. He's an

attorney?

He went back to Salino. Oh,

Barnes felt too embarrassed by its regular name. Oh, yeah. I understand that. Yeah, you got to compete with Scungio and Scungio. Are you coming in with Barnes? No way.

damn.

Go ahead, Howard. Go faster. I'm going to get distracted again.

I mean, there's nothing else to say. We got called into a big meeting with the headmaster and the board of the school. They

basically told us - I briefly have to apologize

for my impropriety. I thought headmaster was a totally different

thing. You went down there with your pants at your ankles. You can - Going for an absolute disgusting - You thought that's how he got the job.

Yeah. You showed up. You had been up all night, horny. You know what happens. You stay

up all night, horny. You know when you're about

to get something from the headmaster, you can't sleep. It's like

Christmas.

There's - I mean, there's only thing stronger than a cup of coffee is being horny at night. It'll keep

you up all night. Oh, my God. We got up and we're like, who's been out here in the living room all

night? I crawled into bed with you at 5 a .m. in my PJs because I was just too excited for the headmaster.

And I said, we're not getting up for this until it's time.

10 a

.m.

You were wrapping a bunch of gifts for him? Yeah. You've got to reward the headmaster. Oh, my God. Todd, I will say, somehow this is the most disgusting thing you've done.

I don't know why. Well, I had Haktua.

Yeah, you're right. You're right.

Haktua

unleashed something in

Todd.

Wouldn't you say it was the collective unconscious got so excited by an attractive woman referencing blowjobs. We are getting a crazy talking to about our podcast and Todd keeps going, spit on that thing.

It was like the entire world.

To the headmaster.

It's so weird when somebody touches a cord.

Yes.

Yes. And it just, I feel like it was on the morning show.

Every piece of media,

it was on. Everyone, man.

We got to get talk to on here because now she's got that awesome

podcast in the country, actually. Wow. That makes

me feel really good.

Wow. Yeah. Immediately debuted behind Joe Rogan, Tucker Carlson, Candace Owens, and then Hawk to a

girl. You know, this country

deserves to go down, I think. I think so, too. Hearing that information, I'm making an immediate shift. Spit on those Democrats. Democrats.

Yeah, sure.

Clip

that. Everybody,

are you still clipping our stuff, putting it out there every episode? Give us a clip. Put

the words underneath it. This is why we currently are off. We have most of our duties revoked. Stuff like that,

Todd. Yeah.

They played this stuff. They played all the stuff that you said to clip. You offered them a skeleton to clip things and play for us when we got decimated

at the hearing

with the attorneys.

That was a tiny microphone. Yeah. I'm sorry. I didn't listen to a single word that happened at the hearing. I was obsessed with going, these are just like the ones on C -SPAN.

Yeah. It did feel like it was eerie to be on that side of the audio equipment for a long time.

I was obsessed with the

audio equipment. We

caught you following the wire over to the corner of the room. You said, there's so many inputs here. Well, the only one of these things I've been watching lately was the TikTok deposition. So all

I had to say was, hey, I'm from Singapore.

I don't know what to

tell you. Right. You gave the Singapore defense,

which was lifted straight for the same day TikTok hearing, which we practiced with

Buttigieg. And it worked in the room. They kept asking us if we were from

China. They kept asking us why our podcast was so good. Is it Chinese? Is it something from across the pond? And I said, sir, I'm from Singapore. Buttigieg didn't wipe our ass in the debate prep.

Oh, my God. The

prep did not work. He's so well -spoken. He killed it. We got rid of him. We did. We said, get him out of here.

He's too good.

He's too good. We knocked him out. Yeah.

But I like that guy. I think he's got a good future ahead of him.

Mayor Pete.

Yep.

Pistol Pete.

Pistol Pete. Pistol Pete Mayor. It's too

bad. Oh. Pistol Pete Mayor of it. Wow.

Nice.

That's pretty good. That's something

there. Flip it. Flip it. That's not nasty. That's not nasty. We need that for our second hearing. We should have said booty judge

something like that. We

or

didn't.

Now, here's the thing. Everybody at home, you should be thanking your lucky stars. We're still recording today. I

know we are.

Yes. Because they tried to shut us down. They tried to censor us. And they tried to say, don't do it how you do it. They didn't pull our equipment. Well, because they, again, they played all this, what they called incriminating evidence of us plotting to cheat to win the sort of academic decathlon. Us talking about our sort of personal lives on a podcast that is supposedly

supposed to be about student life. They got pretty upset and they said, either you guys shape up or you ship out. Well, what

happens to what you do outside of school can't be brought into school?

I guess that was never a rule for teachers, but I think that that's how it should be. Separation of church and school.

Yes. This is our church. Yes.

Yes. Which happens to be talking only about school. Or that's the intent. And then school, which is where we're our best versions of ourselves.

And ironically where we pray. And it's where we pray also. Yeah, yeah.

Yes. But I, this, can I be honest? I'd love it.

Thank you. This. No, actually. Oh, okay. No.

Be careful.

I'm

honest.

Look, this is really scary for me.

Censorship.

You know.

It's in the news. Censorship's in the news?

Well, yeah. Always. Yeah. Always. It's always in the news.

Yes. And it's like, they come for the artists first.

Because we speak truth.

We're the

stinkers. The free

spinkers. The free stinkers.

Well, you're fortunately now a free stinker because of your sleep crap. Didn't you get a sponsorship?

That's right.

You're a paid stinker now. You're free. I'm paid stinker. You're sleep crap. Yeah.

I was a free stinker and now I'm a paid stinker.

That's amazing. For plastic tube? What's that? For plastic tube.

Yes.

Todd, this is really exciting. Todd is now a professional stinker.

And this product can be used for so much stuff.

Plastic tube? Oh

my gosh. Are you going with one angle or do you have to cover, does big plastic tube want you to cover a lot

of stuff? Well, they want me in the copy here, it says in brackets, to speak to my own personal

experience with plastic tube. Okay. Okay. So. What I love about plastic tube, before you get into your

experience. Please.

This is incredible. Either end works. You can do it from either end. If you stick one end in the stinker, who knows where the other end is going. Could go nostril.

Right. Could go toilet. Could go wherever you want it. I think they saw our work with TO2.

This is

TO1. It's fine. This is the original TO. Wait. Wait. See, this is what's frustrating to me. I feel like

I inspired a part of this, but I've been all but cut out of the deal. How did we

organically come up with a second TO2? Well, organically, we could

be. We're being led into it or we have tendencies.

Yeah. I think we were talking about something totally different and I said sleep crap, man.

So I don't know how organic it was. It was natural. I think it's still pretty organic.

I do too. I love hearing Sam's experience with plastic tube. That's

absolutely right. There are two holes that you can use either end for whatever you

want. For me, it's to make sure that I am free flowing at night, that I don't close up,

fill up, blow up. Oh my God. The movements with your hands.

And when we see the commercial, that image is going to be so clear to people.

If you have it closed, you're going to blow up. And I told them we cannot do AI art on this. This has to

be

good blow up VFX art. You want full fat suit? Full fat suit, practical effects. When was the moment when you knew you had to get help? Was it when you were a hot air balloon?

I will say - For proposal? That was a tough day for you, but the town loved

it. Well, I say - It's beautiful over the autumn leaves. Awesome. Gorgeous.

To all the leaf keepers. We see something peeking up. You know, we're hanging out. We're doing a pumpkin carving. You and I have big binoculars. Big binoculars. Pumpkin carving, looking at leaves. We're looking at leaves. We're carving pumpkins. We see something - Sipping on the finest

cider.

Oh my God. Cider binocs carving. The wind is nipping at it. We see over the tip of the trees, something peeking up. Is that one of the ugliest heads I've

ever seen?

wait, that's like an ugly

We're like,

head, right? That's the back of an ugly head.

Belt loop

comes up. Whoa. Full up. Full up.

I need to be honest. When the headline - To me, the headline is, Man so full of farts he becomes hot air balloon where proposal happens. Instead, the headline is, Ugly head turns out to be man full of farts.

Crazy rude. Why did

they have to say ugly head? It was

not the story to me. It was - You weren't on the ground.

I mean,

unfortunately.

But - The reporter was there, so he was reporting live.

That's true. So he was just

reporting exactly what he was seeing, unfortunately. And it was a long headline.

He also reported, Man turns into balloon when air is let out the back.

Right. Man - Or, yeah, but at the end of it, he ends up just being ugly head. Like, ugly head stayed.

Ugly head stayed. In all of the headlines. And then the very end, I think they ran out of words. It was just, why penis no fill with air?

Yeah, they do have a word limit on some of those things to get him to fit

right. Why penis no fill with air? Sometimes they want to be caveman with the headlines.

Because it's just quicker. Well, for this town's audience, you've got to dumb it down a little bit.

No offense. No offense. No offense. But this town is full of stupid

people. Yes. I got to say, I am feeling, I think something about being challenged by the authorities

has me reinvigorated.

Yes. I'm feeling energetic. Maybe it's the influx of money I'm getting from plastic tube. But I think that we are never at a better clip

than when someone tells me we're not allowed to do what we're doing. When somebody tells us no, actively our T goes up.

Yes. Our T is sky high right now. Because we've been pulled

from all of our duties in the academic decathlon. I've been pulled off the rowing team. They brought the old coach back.

Unbelievable. You guys have been pulled from your duties? Yeah. Speaking of high T, I've been doing cold plunges nonstop.

Unbelievable.

I've never lost this much weight. I've lost so much weight. All the fat just slicks right off of

you. I think your body's going into shock is what's happening, and it is burning calories at

an extreme rate. Yeah.

Your G

is up.

Thank

My T is up, and my G is up. Unfortunately, when your T goes up, your G goes up. That's true. And there's other men kind of clumping near you. You guys did a photo shoot for underwear. A

dog licked you, and it died.

Because they can't digest your skin, right? Well, that was a sick dog,

I

think. Right. Let's not blame it all on

my

dog. It was. I think that was just an elderly president, right? That came over, ate a grape off of you, licked your skin, you died.

All right. So what? Jimmy Carter died because he licked my skin. Who cares? Who cares? He

was going to die soon anyway. He's been old for 100 years. We love him, though.

We love

Jimmy Carter.

He was

one of the good ones. For how much we know about politics, we love Jimmy Carter. We love him. We love him. We love him. Good stuff. I don't know if you guys know this. I've kept this pretty tight to the chest here. You guys, speaking of your T levels

going up, my T levels are at a detectable level for the first time in my entire

life. Oh, my gosh.

For the first time in my entire life,

I haven't. Everybody

clap weird.

Everybody clap weird.

We will hear this. I just want to pin for later. I'll talk about when you clap. Yeah. This is for later. So think about it. Where is the inciting energy

coming from? Yes. Where's the inertia? Just think about that. Where are you pushing the

inertia from?

Let's do it real

quick for us and take a mental note of what we're doing. Okay. Real quick. One, two, three for your T.

Okay. Someone turn

that into a GIF and put it on Giphy so when someone searches Funny Clap Teachers Lounge

iMessages, we come up.

their

We need that. And don't give me that bullshit where it's like I'm searching for a good Chalamet crying and I get something from the other two because I want the real one. All right?

All right.

We need the real one. Give me the real one. Anyway, go ahead, Howie. I mean, that was just huge news for me.

That's big. I saw you this morning. I saw you this morning reading Teen

Weightlifters. Well,

yes. They finally

let you buy it? Yeah.

Teen Weightlifters,

they let you have

it? Yeah. I went

in with my team. Yeah.

No? Well, you'd be surprised at the lesson. I'm at the level of a teenager when it comes to my sort of physiology. Right.

Late teen. You got your nice little mustache

coming in. Yes. Yes. Yes. And I think I've been reinvigorated by this experience of being

confronted.

And sort of following your guys' example of being combative with people and trying my best. I've, of course,

grown the little

mustache.

Yes.

And I've been feeling really good. Had a lot of energy in the morning. Teen Weightlifter also has a lot of stuff in there that's like not.

It's not weird. It's all

right. It's not weird for me to read. Okay. Well, for

you, for adults, these are new lessons. Yeah. Or old lessons. For you, it's new. And for

T. Yeah. It's like finally you have the muscle mass to sort of, and the bone density to

start building. And so I do, my body, because I have had such low testosterone for such a long time, it's been very hard for me to build muscle. But now that my levels are at a scientifically provable level that there

is

any,

I

have

You know how curly hair is? T is

really affecting your hair. Curly hair means low T.

Everybody knows that. T is coming in strong on the scalp.

Yeah.

Yeah. It's shooting out. And my understanding is, like, right around when your numbers are going up, Frank Thomas stopped coming to your house to sell you a

new genics. New genics. New genics. Yeah. Right. Yeah. I was a huge supporter of new genics. I, I. Well, she loves it too, which is incredible.

Have you seen Frank, Frank Thomas? I heard stop taking new genics. He has the curliest, longest hair ever.

Wow. Really? So when you get high T, you get Hulk Hogan silkies.

You get Hulk Hogan silkies. A hundred percent. Yeah. Because that, you look like Hulkamania. Thank you so much. Barren wasteland up top. Silkiest thing you've ever seen in the back. Silkier than a silkworm.

High silk shine. Silkier than the S -worm. Straight from the

worm.

Straight

from the worm. And then super smooth. Also shine

on

the

I heard that too. Yes. And when they took a shot at his brother. What is it?

Just Hulk's speech at the Republican National Convention that I can't stop thinking about. I didn't know that Hulk and Trump were brothers. I think that's actually really cute. It

makes a lot of sense head wise, puffy wise, getting caught having sex with people who aren't

your wife wise. Florida

wise. Getting attracted to your children's boyfriends and

wise. I don't use some language.

girlfriends

But Howard, this is big.

Do you think you'll be going to prom? Oh, you're not there yet.

You're not ready yet. I don't think so. Nobody would want to go with me. But I.

How?

How are we?

Someone would. I think you need to find an adult woman.

Of course.

We've been hanging around too many kids at the

school. And you know what's weird? None of these fancy teachers want to hang around with us. It's like they knew we were all going to get canceled or something and they've just been avoiding it.

I know. I don't know

if it's a cancel, but the podcast is officially canceled at the school. We've been.

Yeah.

Yeah. I don't know if you noticed the feed. The first five episodes of this season sort of came out with with with one sort of situation. And now we've had to put into the description note. We're no longer affiliated with.

Right. What's this? The headmaster. The bullfrog. The croak bullfrog. We're no longer affiliated with the croak bullfrog

at all. This is an independent production. We don't need your help. Yeah. We don't need your help. All of my boys that were about to lead us to victory in the race have been sent to Hollywood to be stand -ins for Alien Romulus.

Wow. I'm so jealous. I have never been so

jealous. I have never been so jealous. Body modifications to be a great smooth rower.

I have never been more jealous. You know, I

had me thinking about getting my head elongated to be like an alien. Yeah. But good for them. Yeah. At the end of the day, good for them. I

mean, I've been following all their Instagram stories. They're winning. But now we don't have a row team.

We don't. What did the school think was going to happen when they tried to blackball us?

Did they think

we were just going to roll over and show our hole and just be fine with it? Absolutely not. I don't know about you guys, but I've been going back on everything I've been planning for the whole season.

I mean, year.

Good.

I have been surveilling our teams. And now I'm giving that information to the other teams.

Oh, a double agent. Absolutely. If you don't want me here, I'm going to go to someone who does. And that's interesting.

Wow.

Thank you, Bill. This is maybe kind of going to dovetail nicely with something that I've noticed recently.

I've been trying to get into the school and notice that my IDs have stopped working.

So I had to go to the facilities department and get a new ID. And they gave me a new name. They said Howard Levis' ID is already being used. We'll have to give you. So they've given me a new name. So I am essentially a new person

in this world. Howard, did you choose your own name? A mannequin stole your

identity. No, no, no. A mannequin stole your identity, took your ID, and is doing your whole life as you and is doing better. Well, he's going to have a hard time doing

that when Howard Levas is out on the - Howard Levas?

Howard Levas.

Howard Levas. Howard Levas. How do you just - and it's spelled the same.

It's

more umlauts than anyone needs. Yeah. Levas is very nice.

You might consider - So

I am now Howard Levas.

Howard.

Howard Levas. Howard. Yeah. Okay. A little cheesy.

The W is pronounced different. It's a German W. It is

cheesy. A little cheesy. It's a little cheesy, but - I would love some Havarti on Levas, Brett. You're not the first person to say that to me, Todd, but -

Havarti on Levas? You want that snack?

And

I don't even need a drink of water. No.

I won't even need a drink of water with it. That's how much I enjoy it.

I want a nice soft cheese on a dry bread. Well, Havard. Wow. It rolls off the

tongue. It does. It's Havard. Havard. Well, all I'm saying is,

in a certain sense, they're not listening. And I have a bit of a vendetta. If we wanted to sort of go whole

hog and really fuck this school up and sabotage these games this coming week, I would go to another school and I would absolutely recap it. What I'm hearing is, your face has been deleted, replaced with some mannequin face.

Your fingerprints don't work anymore.

You have

a fresh name. This is espionage written all over it.

What does espionage mean? You're a human with no serial number.

Yeah.

ghost guy.

I'm a

Basically,

I love it. We have now initiated ghost guy protocol. Havard Lavash, your mission

if you choose to accept it. And now, is it

Lavash? It is Lavash. Havard Lavash. Havard Lavash. I love it. It's one of those classic sexy

names for

detectives.

So you're a new guy, Havard Lavash.

You've got the T of a high school

boy. This is the perfect ghost man

protocol.

Absolutely.

I could wreak havoc in these games.

And you know what? I've been working so much with these drones. I've souped them up. I think we can do the full lower you in thing.

So are you going to do your own stunts? Instead of toast, we'll say Lavash, wouldn't

it? Yes. We're going to make too much noise. Are you going to do your own stunts? Absolutely. Oh, my God.

Wow. It's ghost

man protocol. It's ghost man protocol. You guys made a joke about my T levels and Teen Weightlifter Magazine or whatever. I didn't make a joke.

I saw you reading Teen Weightlifter Magazine. It's fantastic. We weren't joking.

Nothing on this

is a joke. By the way, you said that your T levels are for the first time readable. Is it one? A fraction. It's

fractional.

Well,

that's fine. Fractional. This is huge. It's .01 was the

level. But if you multiply that times a million, you'll have about one.

Absolutely.

That's

amazing.

Unbelievable. It's a trajectory. It's an upward trajectory,

if

So

are you going to, if you accept this mission, Havard

Lavash, do you choose to accept it? I choose. Look, if it means getting back at these guys and getting back at these students who I thought I was developing a fair relationship with.

I don't know why you want to hate me.

I don't know. the world something something lately

wow wow

wow

wow wow

wow

wow wow wow wow wow wow wow bitty you

mediterranean restaurant

someone

clip the last 40 seconds

and try to give it a three word title

that makes sense and put it on socials for us and make it succinct like like pull out yeah the

things that don't work just use the good part can somebody take

nine seasons ten seasons and slam it

slam it

quick and just get the hits

and and and money we need money

well i don't know this this havard lavash thing mixed with my fucking anti -school espionage i think i think this school is about to reap what it sows and

what it's sowing is discord in my soul

yes and i am so good at putting little shitty makeshift guns behind

the headlights of of old cars

yes

i've

been

finally paying off nothing more reliable than a shitty gun behind an old car

well i'm buying them both at auction

yes i'm not we're not getting the brand new aston martin and

now i'm buying an old pinto car old small gun and by the way the people at these auctions are not very savory

no it is a lot of world war ii era guns i won't see which side well there's a lot of thing there's a lot of things they throw away at that pbs show where you're seeing if they're good

antiques roadshow yeah so it's a lot of old guns usually with gunpowder that i've put behind the lights oh it's like

1800s revolutionary war you have to refill these stuff but i can i can always like if we can find an investor for havard lavash um absolutely

oh we got the gun guy we got the drone guy we've got havard doing his stunts

himself and i've been buying the hats that ving rames wears in the movies for you yeah you're mr pork pie

yes oh my god

they're a little big on me you have got the great those great hats

it's hard to find them in my size they're too big but they are uh i love the way they look on ving i love the way they look on me it

makes me

feel strong like him

well i think we have the crew

wow this has just turned into a mission impossible

podcast ghost man

protocol hard lavash i just want to

i think we should take a break because i've been so excited yes

and i regret my energy a little bit but i'm having fun but i just want to list

we've got ghost man protocol we've got teen

wave magazine we've got headmaster the

hearing

we've got what was the tube called sleep or sleep crap yeah we got sleep crap yeah we have there's another

version of you i'm from singapore

he's from

cc you

love tiny mics beat uh pistol pete uh we have a lot to work with yeah this was an incredible half hour

we really needed this

we needed this yeah

uh i i think i'm gonna order some mediterranean food and also some french cheeses

we'll take a little break

and

i i have to say something you guys please i felt in in that first half of that record all right like my true honest self with you guys and i i feel so safe and comfortable but also so full of regret when i show my real self the headmaster stuff that's not me

right

hear the word headmaster and immediately think of someone who's good at blowjobs

don't

no not immediately it's a it's a character i i do you know what i mean because

right expect something from me todd padre and i have to give it to them it's like giuliani he's not the way he is you're saying the idea that you can think that fast is wrong you are spending an hour thinking of funny things so i was i was through you know i was you know i'm trying to get a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit well you

were rich we were all raised on wrestling and you take certain aspects

of yourself

in that art form and you heighten it organically and when the audience starts to respond to it you go deeper and deeper and deeper and you become you quickly become a heel

yeah

yeah because todd you say it as if oh it was just a joke you thought of headmaster is a person who but you actually

lived you lived the you lived the life where you thought this person was real and you went to the hearing with your pants around your ankles so

it's not it wasn't just an off the cuff moment it's it's a thing that you legitimately felt and headmaster is a thing yes

headmaster is a

thing headmaster just

shouldn't be conflated

it

shouldn't can we rethink this and maybe this was your first time you've ever acted so

well well i disagree with the kind of premise

overall well it is a time where i acted it was a time where you were so in character

yes

i saw that daniel day lewis was coming out of retirement and i said yes well if the greats are back you're trying to audition for for uh ddl's son

yeah oh my

god son's movie me as ddl's son oh wait oh his son's movie his son's making well you you went into the wrong room the audition for bbl and fortunately instead of daniel

day i was there's there was an audition for and this isn't me it's a character of todd padre

me todd padre i'm normal but i went into a room

for an audition for the character of guy who sees brazilian butt lift that

wasn't the character you said i want to read for guy who sees brazilian butt lift

yes i was like dude i could play this so easily

and they were like actually this is an audition for the before picture of someone who gets a

bbl yeah we need somebody to go out then and i showed him how caked up i was

you do have a big you had just sat on a cake unfortunately

yes it was cake i went into a baskin robbins ice cream cake store and i sat

on a cake and i said this isn't a chair it's a cake it's a peach cake you have a big peach cake on

down

your butt

oh i gotta go to an audition

which was

for you it's not me i don't think like this i'm not like this right

excited

especially after reviewing it

right

the parts you

don't like

what is wrong with this guy that's a joke right if you know anything about parody law like we are we've studied it forever because everything we do is lifted you know you're allowed to say whatever you want and just say i was joking

yes

yes if you have an attorney you're fine well i

don't think you've done anything

i don't think you've done anything

you've lost

scumbaggio

who's obviously come back

the

to

damn but i don't think you've done anything wrong

rescue

you've got no you got uh

and that's fine i

think some people are probably going to see it as your first moment of vulnerability on air

okay

and i think

i think even you apologizing for it is maybe not necessary you you showed who you were and you also showed who you don't want to be seen as and that's

beautiful

take it or

leave it but there's also something to be said for finally sort of stepping into yourself into yourself even if it's a version of yourself that you think is nasty or gross what if that's where you're most

powerful

you need to step into your

power it wasn't the butterfly we thought it was going to be from the worm it actually is like butterfly to worm

yes

but that's still a transformation

i was a butterfly once

and it's still a transformation at one point you hit chrysalis yeah you've become you've transitioned people don't talk about that like oh you got to come butterfly some people start as a butterfly become worm

and that is also a valid trend their wings fall off and they're just the little wiggly middle part of the butterfly

yes a little slug man

good for you todd i think being honest about yourself is the most beautiful thing you can be

wonderful and i

think i think situations like we find ourselves in right now wonderful is is our growth moments right like

who would have

that a guy like me would be the guy that i am today

ever thought

and todd we did you todd we do have to we're going later to see one of our favorite bands in the dome so i need you to be chill okay we're going to see a band in a venue

called the dome yes yes

okay dome okay

but it is just

well thank god i go into the dome thank god you're not in new orleans where the superdome is don't we gotta quit i know we

are doing it

i remember

terrible when hurricane katrina happened and they put everyone in the superdome

i thought that's exactly what they need right

give everyone who's lost so much some superdome and i well and i do also remember that i flew there and i pretended to have i got really wet and i pretended to have lost a lot of the hurricane that's where i lived and

i said treme and i came with a trumpet

and when they said you don't live here i said george bush does not care about todd pod

todd you're a great guy you're just a great

guy

i think you could we know you were superdome!

sometimes your spirit comes out and it's just something beautiful to see it's like you can't be shaken you can't be flapped you're unflappable

absolutely that's beautiful even if it's weird i'm like a penguin i'm unflappable i can't fly i'm on right on the ground protecting

my you're like the penguin

you're like the new penguin you're like the gross yeah i lip around my feet are crazy you wear prosthetics constantly yelling at the woman uh the woman from palm springs uh what's her name corazono

yeah what is her name big

eyes

little head

back to what we do is this sort of self -realization

i

don't want to go back i'm can i be honest

please

this school is so moneyed it feels corporate i don't think i even want to be a teacher anymore it's made me lose my faith in education they're not educating

people

here they're turning them into little robots to work in capitalism with their fancy parents and let's be honest and what has school ever done for us it has made us crazy awful people with terrible emotional problems giving us a safe place to exist crazily and so there's part of me that kind of see here's what sam is saying now and with my newfound sort of set of skills and and everything i'm like avard i mean maybe maybe the real problem that with with the teachers with the four of us has been we've been square pegs trying to shove ourselves into a round hole for

really we'll take a season off and then we'll get back into

we should get back thanks no

i agree with you

it's like why are we

trying to go

where we're not wanted

maybe we need a

vacation oh my god i've never related to a state anymore we need a vacation

yes

we need to kick our

feet up sand in our toes we need to get a seven day pass to a water park oh my god and just have a blast that's bring in our own shit because i i'm going down slides on boogie boards i'm bringing i'm bringing jet

skis oh yeah i'm surfing on the we sneak in skis we sneak in boogie boards we sneak in big floats i have my jet ski disguised as a backpack i just pop it on my back and get

wheel easiest thing

ever you brought it into a movie you can bring it anywhere

ever

just

i

laid it over the top of the sea do and nobody knows we drag you in on a trailer yep you're laying backwards and like you've got a huge jansport wrapped around the whole rig yes and we just pull you in it's fantastic it's genius the only time it doesn't work is when you are trying to go jet skiing and you accidentally just bring a backpack

you the switch

the big switch

we've all done it myself before yes but we had a good time last time at the lake on that little herschel that was

nice we kind of we kind of felt like

the man in the bathtub

yeah it

went too bad it went too bad cool colors cool

really cool i made funny when i bought it i said it's just the it's just a freaking bag

you pay 90 for a freaking bag yeah you put coral next to brown it's just a

bag it's just a

it's just a bag but who's laughing now that we're toting along down the river four men to a sack

we all got herschels and they're just bags but we like we like lime green right next to red

oh with a zipper that's

orange

and you guys jansport is pulling their hair out trying to

figure out oh they don't have enough

panels they don't have enough panels to have that many colors

they're fucked herschel is supreme

you know i'm obsessed with i'm obsessed with my new herschel wallet it's got six zippers and eight colors

oh incredible

i can't even

sit right that's what i want for my wallet i want to be able to hide everything i need to get too quick

you know what i figured out if you buy expensive bags people think you're okay everyone your personality doesn't matter

if your bags are expensive i like taking my very expensive carry -on shell suitcase to the dead back row of the plane like why did you get comfort plus you dummy oh

you spent so much on that bag you sit back here about a

toilet well i'm the opposite i'll buy first class and walk on with a rouse plastic bag

i'll say fuck you fuck

you i spin it all on

the seat

my

shit's going to be spilling out on the floor

i bring

liquid i bring liquid in that bag you have the opposite of status at the airport and you're you are slammed

yeah there's a pre -check super hard oh kitchen corner quick kitchen corner keep those

bags

they're the perfect first class carry -on oh my god those heavy plastic ones oh

i want we all reuse they're not they've the bags have gotten much more sturdy so we can also and use more plastic so we can also immediately throw those

away yeah what is that they smart they made a law about no more plastic bags and then they thickened all the bags

they thickened them up and we still and we still just crumple the hell out of them they technically made them reusable by making them thicker

they say they're

reusable so that

put them in the food cupboard and i don't touch the bags or the food oh answer having a hate when you are not working like we are currently ant farm mm -hmm and i'm growing

i'm growing up some of my answer the most confident ants you've ever seen they're well fed they are cared for aka left alone in the cupboard

yes

i'm loving the bags babe i'm loving the bags babe your ants came over and bullied my ant farm the other day

i'm sorry

they

did a friars club uh roast it

was the red ants club bro

it was the red ants club

roast and they got lit up all of them smoking cigs my boys are happy i love to watch grainy footage of ants roasting each other from the 70s i love it

that's we gotta get back to him well they say things we can't say

now yeah

yeah you can only carry eight times your weight bitch they say

they

say they say they talk about carrying big

leaves don crickets will talk about ants from any any country

any country he'll say what they look like and what their

stereotypes are yes

yes um what else

what about

ant ant kills every time it's there as himself as a

human

trying to ingratiate and they're like yeah

what's our audience age you guys remember ant america's next top could be our last comic standing

or whatever big personality i think they ended up hiring him for a bravo show or an mtv host yep ant look him up

look him up

um

i but anyway

kitchen

corner i guess we're in other things because we got that oh yeah well that was part of the kitchen corner the

ant stuff but yeah just plastic bags i don't really know what my angle is jesus oh fuck how are you uh lavash off camera get lavash on camera he's the star

we

got lavash in five inch lifts uh his best friend's wife has disappeared uh

by the way the masks came i got us all convincing john voight masks

good and we'll be able to rip them off at any point good four voights walk into a bar

three of them rip their heads off voights

yes we need that we need masks because savard you are you are something else

so and i just want to clarify we are now our impossible mission

yes

is to

uh re -ingratiate ourselves with the school or punish them for not

trusting us i'm tired yeah i think i think i think what we decided on was that we were going to sort of take our frustrations with the way we've been treated out on the school

we were

going to do you

so in mission impossible they're kind of like saving the world

turn

okay on top of the voight masks let's get anonymous masks

oh i still have those from the

last one i'm gonna go shave natalie portman's head and we'll come back

you've been chasing after her with

clippers for years we need it back make it real you really lost it when that movie

came out you really felt you were into it you can tell pretty early on if someone brings up me for vendetta what you feel about them you know what i mean

one of the biggest movies that nobody gives a fucking shit about

i know damn

but listen i think the headmaster and all of his little cronies need to go down i don't know about you guys but i'm thinking of droning into his bedroom and killing him tonight

what do you guys think about that

because i've as we know my

damn crash right through a window who cares we're we're

we are at the we

have a bard a bard

i know but a bard has an ultimate plan and is the sniper he's the

jam i roll in on

a speedboat holding my hat

down

yes uh i think the thing about if we're really going to map mission impossible we don't have to map it we're just doing it naturally we're just doing it

naturally

think

now i tell that to all the improv groups i coach what is mapping i don't know we have to kill anybody i think if you really want to teach somebody a lesson you have to let them live to see their world fall apart

first

kill anybody

how are you and

that

sorry

i think your t just went up to 0 .5 maybe even one

your

t is strong did i

just hear

a little pube go we

just heard something poke out of a of a poor i actually did install this little monitor on my arm that has a it has a uh real -time monitoring of my t

levels

oh you have a t level

monitor

that's good wow so you can see how

oh it's it's

hovering about 0 .56

oh it just hit six it tells you if you eat too much sugar your tea goes down some things like that yeah well it's for my diabetes as well as my tea i don't know if i've ever

talked about my diabetes

on the show

yeah

that you have dietitis well it's well that's what the doctors call it and i

don't know

said it's not funny to do cute jokes about this yeah we're not yeah we we did let's stay on tea

but so howard uh um

so you're saying

don't kill the

headmaster no i think i think because i

the ultimate the ultimate payback is is what is

think

tearing somebody's world down and and live and having them have to live in the in the aftermath yeah they they can't even blame us no and so so my thought it's ghost we know what this school we know this school wants to to show up and show out at the academic

decathlon yes we know that this school wants to impress all of these kids wealthy parents to get donations to keep this school floating yeah

and so i think it's a two -pronged approach yeah

it's getting it's it's it's humiliating them at the at the academic decathlon

okay and and also

making sure that not a single one of these parents is going to donate a single cent to this school

so yes

false right

so you've been so we've got a two -pronged approach

two -pronged approach

they lose and then they they lose their donation

yeah i know how to get them to lose donations i'm going to start a mass email to the parents letting them know

everything that's going on oh that's going to get

everybody talking worried a little bit on their heels

good i am a little concerned that they will think that it's just my newsletter about everything i'm up to lately the short film i'm working on people do not like

those which you just hit them with this morning

it's not your first email school

-wide yeah do you think people could tell that they weren't really new headshots

no and last chance to donate for my short film has come so many times

like when is

the cut we are just about at our six hundred thousand dollar uh donation limit we have six dollars

all we need to all we need to do is times it by a hundred thousand

wow

todd

for havard lavash and i don't know what i mean by that but

oh i love matching donations i love it uh yeah i know that like um bradley cooper was 600 matching my donation to kamala

um

and so i would match donations like bradley wow absolutely because we need i need help um arming havard

yes

um whether it be whether it be with and and i don't want to give you guns i don't but i do want you to be invisible i do want you to have a new face which we have

we've got the void mask we have to work with the void mask yeah what are some more fun technologies do want you to be able to

shape shift well

look yeah that's so we just

need a little money for shape shifting and like i have taken young rowers and turned them into alien romuluses

oh

good so but slowly i think i can take you and maybe we can give you we can just look speed up the process and then also bring it back

yes because we have to be able to bring you back to human we

can't have it's cellular it's speedy you

it's

cellular

it's cellular changes

yeah and listen havard we have your back

you're gonna go do the mission and we're gonna be behind our computers telling you how to do it all yeah and we have your back well and tea is a magic

solution well i was gonna say maybe we could work i was gonna say historically you guys have i think looked at me as uh a little dork a little loser

no you know but that was a couple more

things yeah those two for sure yeah oh but yes but that was before i had three point four

oh

yeah

we're

sitting we're not working out yeah it's like blood sugar

you started reading a a fiction novel and your tea went

down yeah well we're taking you to the monkey bars out back yes and we're getting you ready

you're doing pull -ups you're doing everything

you're gonna do that you just hang there while we hit your stomach until it gets yes because because you know i think we have a lot of i think we have a lot of dirt on this school

you know we know

i know like i know that about that secret society that invited me in for one night that is doing some kind of weird satanic ritual i know about uh

yeah

well these rich parents they go all the way to the top

you know they've been to the nasty island you i mean some of these names steve coffee this guy invented coffee

who was on

nasty island exactly steve coffee who went to nasty island

as far as we know everybody goes to nasty island with steve coffee i've got the list

a lot of

people

have been to nasty we're not only against the school we're against this

cabal on dirty plane to nasty island james video games

no

way

yes

yeah

oh and

by the way i i can't say this i was gonna say i'm not suicidal so if i die by suicide it's somebody killed me

because i have this information i'm pretty suicidal i don't feel great about myself um so it's 50 50 but we'll be doing wellness checks a lot just to make sure on you or you'll be doing posts hey i'm fine i'm of sane mind and you'll have to give this

i'm

feeling a little doodly doodly well

hard i am at your service and i've put my hand

stiff where's your inertia coming from

oh we never checked in on inertia with your salutes where's it coming from for me i swing from the hip

you swing from the hip i throw elbow and i and i bring hand off last

that's really good i

i guess i get it from baseball i yes with the hip and i squash the bug you squash good what do you what do you do havard

i i'm quite rigid

throughout bam

wow

bam all a very classic salute and i think mine is

yeah throw it