All right, well, why don't we just go through the notes here and just see what
6. Sleep Crapnea
The Teachers discuss getting reprimanded by the headmaster and Howard’s new persona.
they said.
I say we
just... They were
read aloud to us.
already
Was that a hearing? I mean,
technically it was a hearing. It was the
headmaster. We got decimated. They had tiny microphones.
Yes. They had tiny
microphones. They were all sitting behind,
know, tall, sort of judge -like risers.
you
Yeah.
Way above us.
Decimated. I couldn't
reclaim my time
at all. Do you think it was helpful on my end that I went full scent of a woman? I think I played blind pretty well. And I think I did Pacino pretty well.
I did think so.
Thank you. Great,
thank you.
practiced it a
We
lot of times. We did a lot of scent of a woman prep.
can't
see who I...
I
I can smell a woman. Your cadence
is perfect.
had Pete Buttigieg come in and do prep against me for scent of a woman.
Yes. We
We were so prepared and it fell apart. I think we should... For a little context, folks, if you're listening, we had a...
It's been a rough week here in
the lounge. We've been slapped on the wrist.
You want context?
I wish it was the wrist. I don't know what's
going on.
Just listen. It doesn't matter. Our pants have been
pulled to the ground in the toy aisle of a Walmart and we got our tail tore up.
Yeah, absolutely. Tore up. And
let's just say undies down too. This was
full on... Oh!
a
Full little baby butt out. Spanking.
Because you want a toy. Apparently... Apparently, the students... Apparently. Apparently. The students... Did y 'all see that video?
Yeah.
I just saw that. That just made it to us. Yeah. Everything's making it to our algorithm.
I saw one about a kid who likes turtles also.
Yes.
Put that dog.
Pet that dog.
We're seeing all the new stuff. All the new stuff. This kid David at the dentist is out of his mind.
Everything we're getting.
Then they did this video. Wait,
you
saw him at
the dentist?
I saw David at the dentist. David and I go to the same dentist.
Yeah.
Whoa. Oh, wow. You saw him before... You saw him before after.
I saw him before after. Wow.
Wow. David at the dentist. But also, I saw a video where... I saw a video in your life. Yeah, kid. And it gets worse every day. I saw one where a little girl's a landlord. Oh, yeah. With Will. That's me. Yeah, with Will. Will's
in that video. I love Will's stuff in that. Do you know David at the dentist is now 97 years old?
Yes. They wheeled him
out next to Jimmy
Carter.
At the dentist. It was him, Jimmy Carter, and Kirk Douglas, right? I'll tell you what. It was those three. Don't. Do not put a single picture of these guys on
feed ever again.
my
The scariest thing in the world to me is facing death.
prince. If somebody tells me that you might be lucky to live to 100,
And don't forget the
I got a few photos to show. When I'm 70 years old, that's when I start to carry a gun. Anybody pulls out a camera, they're getting
sniped. No way. Don't take me out in the yard after I'm 72. Do not take me outside. I'm inside.
And don't leave me in a car alone. Don't leave me in a car and then come right back.
There's nothing sadder. Yeah. It's dog rules. And I got to say on Reddit, so you're telling me when I scroll through we're blurring naked women, but these photos of old guys come into my
face. That's safe for work? Yeah. No way. That's not safe for work or home.
Yeah. Seeing mortality? No, thank you. And I don't look like it. That's the other
thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It doesn't remind me of the mirror. Well, I will say when you sleep, it's a pretty wide open mouth. You're looking directly into the sun, wide open mouth, out in the yard, sleeping.
We used to have to... Well, I'll just make this about me, not my dad. People have to walk into the room and put their finger in front of my mouth to make sure I'm alive when
I'm sleeping. Of course. Everybody's doing fog tests. They're doing mirror fog
tests on me. Well, you started... Instead of a... Oh, he's gone. Fog tested.
We still got fog?
Thank God. He's
laughing.
Yeah, no. You have a sleep apnea machine, but it's not for sleep apnea. It's just a little mirror being held up
to your nose and mouth. Yeah, it's a sleep fog mirror. I do have
a sleep crapnea machine.
You did do a sleep study, but it just wasn't very scientific.
No,
no. So you have a tube in your butt for sleep crapnea, and it keeps you from farting and waking up everybody?
Well, because when you... Is that what it is? It doesn't have to be. You nailed it. You
nailed it on that. Because I know
when you're sleeping, your butthole keeps closing up, and you want it to be open so you can bleed. If it stays closed for too long, I'll die.
Well, see, this is the kind of fun that they're trying to censor
us out
of, which is, to me, absolute
bullshit. So how did it happen?
Well, as far
as I know, what happened was, I guess some students got wind of the pod. I didn't know students listened to this podcast. Oh, they're on
us. They know everything we do. And you know, these kids have high -powered parents, lawyers, and everything, and they
went... And they complained to the school, and so in the last week, we got...
Wait, did you say
attorneys? Yeah, they have
lawyers, they have attorneys. They have attorneys, they
have litigators. If they're high -powered, they're attorneys.
They're attorneys. Yeah, sorry. And you'll be speaking to mine. Yeah.
Well, my lawyer. Yeah.
Unfortunately, we tried to get attorneys, and we couldn't. We only got
lawyers. Well, we got Scungio, Scungio, and Barnes. Actually, I heard Barnes just left him.
Oh,
no. He's an
attorney?
He went back to Salino. Oh,
Barnes felt too embarrassed by its regular name. Oh, yeah. I understand that. Yeah, you got to compete with Scungio and Scungio. Are you coming in with Barnes? No way.
damn.
Go ahead, Howard. Go faster. I'm going to get distracted again.
I mean, there's nothing else to say. We got called into a big meeting with the headmaster and the board of the school. They
basically told us - I briefly have to apologize
for my impropriety. I thought headmaster was a totally different
thing. You went down there with your pants at your ankles. You can - Going for an absolute disgusting - You thought that's how he got the job.
Yeah. You showed up. You had been up all night, horny. You know what happens. You stay
up all night, horny. You know when you're about
to get something from the headmaster, you can't sleep. It's like
Christmas.
There's - I mean, there's only thing stronger than a cup of coffee is being horny at night. It'll keep
you up all night. Oh, my God. We got up and we're like, who's been out here in the living room all
night? I crawled into bed with you at 5 a .m. in my PJs because I was just too excited for the headmaster.
And I said, we're not getting up for this until it's time.
10 a
.m.
You were wrapping a bunch of gifts for him? Yeah. You've got to reward the headmaster. Oh, my God. Todd, I will say, somehow this is the most disgusting thing you've done.
I don't know why. Well, I had Haktua.
Yeah, you're right. You're right.
Haktua
unleashed something in
It unleashed something in me and all of society. Right.
Todd.
Wouldn't you say it was the collective unconscious got so excited by an attractive woman referencing blowjobs. We are getting a crazy talking to about our podcast and Todd keeps going, spit on that thing.
It was like the entire world.
To the headmaster.
It's so weird when somebody touches a cord.
Yes.
And everyone's cord in America simultaneously was about spitting on that thing.
Yes. And it just, I feel like it was on the morning show.
Every piece of media,
it was on. Everyone, man.
We got to get talk to on here because now she's got that awesome
podcast in the country, actually. Wow. That makes
me feel really good.
Wow. Yeah. Immediately debuted behind Joe Rogan, Tucker Carlson, Candace Owens, and then Hawk to a
girl. You know, this country
deserves to go down, I think. I think so, too. Hearing that information, I'm making an immediate shift. Spit on those Democrats. Democrats.
Yeah, sure.
Clip
that. Everybody,
are you still clipping our stuff, putting it out there every episode? Give us a clip. Put
the words underneath it. This is why we currently are off. We have most of our duties revoked. Stuff like that,
Todd. Yeah.
They played this stuff. They played all the stuff that you said to clip. You offered them a skeleton to clip things and play for us when we got decimated
at the hearing
with the attorneys.
That was a tiny microphone. Yeah. I'm sorry. I didn't listen to a single word that happened at the hearing. I was obsessed with going, these are just like the ones on C -SPAN.
Yeah. It did feel like it was eerie to be on that side of the audio equipment for a long time.
I was obsessed with the
audio equipment. We
caught you following the wire over to the corner of the room. You said, there's so many inputs here. Well, the only one of these things I've been watching lately was the TikTok deposition. So all
I had to say was, hey, I'm from Singapore.
tell you. Right. You gave the Singapore defense,
I don't know what to
which was lifted straight for the same day TikTok hearing, which we practiced with
Buttigieg. And it worked in the room. They kept asking us if we were from
China. They kept asking us why our podcast was so good. Is it Chinese? Is it something from across the pond? And I said, sir, I'm from Singapore. Buttigieg didn't wipe our ass in the debate prep.
Oh, my God. The
prep did not work. He's so well -spoken. He killed it. We got rid of him. We did. We said, get him out of here.
He's too good.
He's too good. We knocked him out. Yeah.
But I like that guy. I think he's got a good future ahead of him.
Mayor Pete.
Pistol Pete.
Yep.
Pistol Pete. Pistol Pete Mayor. It's too
bad. Oh. Pistol Pete Mayor of it. Wow.
Nice.
That's pretty good. That's something
there. Flip it. Flip it. That's not nasty. That's not nasty. We need that for our second hearing. We should have said booty judge
or
something like that. We
didn't.
Now, here's the thing. Everybody at home, you should be thanking your lucky stars. We're still recording today. I
know we are.
Yes. Because they tried to shut us down. They tried to censor us. And they tried to say, don't do it how you do it. They didn't pull our equipment. Well, because they, again, they played all this, what they called incriminating evidence of us plotting to cheat to win the sort of academic decathlon. Us talking about our sort of personal lives on a podcast that is supposedly
supposed to be about student life. They got pretty upset and they said, either you guys shape up or you ship out. Well, what
happens to what you do outside of school can't be brought into school?
I guess that was never a rule for teachers, but I think that that's how it should be. Separation of church and school.
Yes. This is our church. Yes.
Yes. Which happens to be talking only about school. Or that's the intent. And then school, which is where we're our best versions of ourselves.
And ironically where we pray. And it's where we pray also. Yeah, yeah.
Yes. But I, this, can I be honest? I'd love it.
Thank you. This. No, actually. Oh, okay. No.
Be careful.
straight and young. No, you can be honest, Todd. You
I'm
can be
honest.
Look, this is really scary for me.
Censorship.
You know.
It's in the news. Censorship's in the news?
Well, yeah. Always. Yeah. Always. It's always in the news.
Yes. And it's like, they come for the artists first.
Because we speak truth.
free thinkers. To
We're the
power. We're the free
stinkers. The free
spinkers. The free stinkers.
Well, you're fortunately now a free stinker because of your sleep crap. Didn't you get a sponsorship?
That's right.
You're a paid stinker now. You're free. I'm paid stinker. You're sleep crap. Yeah.
I was a free stinker and now I'm a paid stinker.
That's amazing. For plastic tube? What's that? For plastic tube.
You're promoting plastic tube?
Yes.
And I just, I didn't want to go into this ad read here.
Todd, this is really exciting. Todd is now a professional stinker.
And this product can be used for so much stuff.
Plastic tube? Oh
my gosh. Are you going with one angle or do you have to cover, does big plastic tube want you to cover a lot
of stuff? Well, they want me in the copy here, it says in brackets, to speak to my own personal
experience with plastic tube. Okay. Okay. So. What I love about plastic tube, before you get into your
experience. Please.
This is incredible. Either end works. You can do it from either end. If you stick one end in the stinker, who knows where the other end is going. Could go nostril.
Right. Could go toilet. Could go wherever you want it. I think they saw our work with TO2.
TO1. It's fine. This is the original TO. Wait. Wait. See, this is what's frustrating to me. I feel like
This is
I inspired a part of this, but I've been all but cut out of the deal. How did we
organically come up with a second TO2? Well, organically, we could
be. We're being led into it or we have tendencies.
Yeah. I think we were talking about something totally different and I said sleep crap, man.
So I don't know how organic it was. It was natural. I think it's still pretty organic.
I do too. I love hearing Sam's experience with plastic tube. That's
absolutely right. There are two holes that you can use either end for whatever you
want. For me, it's to make sure that I am free flowing at night, that I don't close up,
fill up, blow up. Oh my God. The movements with your hands.
And when we see the commercial, that image is going to be so clear to people.
If you have it closed, you're going to blow up. And I told them we cannot do AI art on this. This has to
good blow up VFX art. You want full fat suit? Full fat suit, practical effects. When was the moment when you knew you had to get help? Was it when you were a hot air balloon?
be
I will say - For proposal? That was a tough day for you, but the town loved
it. Well, I say - It's beautiful over the autumn leaves. Awesome. Gorgeous.
To all the leaf keepers. We see something peeking up. You know, we're hanging out. We're doing a pumpkin carving. You and I have big binoculars. Big binoculars. Pumpkin carving, looking at leaves. We're looking at leaves. We're carving pumpkins. We see something - Sipping on the finest
cider.
Oh my God. Cider binocs carving. The wind is nipping at it. We see over the tip of the trees, something peeking up. Is that one of the ugliest heads I've
ever seen?
wait, that's like an ugly
We're like,
head, right? That's the back of an ugly head.
Belt loop
comes up. Whoa. Full up. Full up.
I need to be honest. When the headline - To me, the headline is, Man so full of farts he becomes hot air balloon where proposal happens. Instead, the headline is, Ugly head turns out to be man full of farts.
Crazy rude. Why did
they have to say ugly head? It was
not the story to me. It was - You weren't on the ground.
I mean,
unfortunately.
But - The reporter was there, so he was reporting live.
That's true. So he was just
reporting exactly what he was seeing, unfortunately. And it was a long headline.
He also reported, Man turns into balloon when air is let out the back.
Right. Man - Or, yeah, but at the end of it, he ends up just being ugly head. Like, ugly head stayed.
Ugly head stayed. In all of the headlines. And then the very end, I think they ran out of words. It was just, why penis no fill with air?
Yeah, they do have a word limit on some of those things to get him to fit
right. Why penis no fill with air? Sometimes they want to be caveman with the headlines.
Because it's just quicker. Well, for this town's audience, you've got to dumb it down a little bit.
No offense. No offense. No offense. But this town is full of stupid
people. Yes. I got to say, I am feeling, I think something about being challenged by the authorities
has me reinvigorated.
Yes. I'm feeling energetic. Maybe it's the influx of money I'm getting from plastic tube. But I think that we are never at a better clip
than when someone tells me we're not allowed to do what we're doing. When somebody tells us no, actively our T goes up.
Yes. Our T is sky high right now. Because we've been pulled
from all of our duties in the academic decathlon. I've been pulled off the rowing team. They brought the old coach back.
Unbelievable. You guys have been pulled from your duties? Yeah. Speaking of high T, I've been doing cold plunges nonstop.
Unbelievable.
And we can tell. And they are too cold, I would say. Too cold. Yes. You're blue. You look like a raisin all over.
I've never lost this much weight. I've lost so much weight. All the fat just slicks right off of
you. I think your body's going into shock is what's happening, and it is burning calories at
an extreme rate. Yeah.
Your G
is up.
Thank
you. Your grape is up, and your testosterone is actually down.
No, no. My T is up.
My T is up, and my G is up. Unfortunately, when your T goes up, your G goes up. That's true. And there's other men kind of clumping near you. You guys did a photo shoot for underwear. A
dog licked you, and it died.
Because they can't digest your skin, right? Well, that was a sick dog,
I
think. Right. Let's not blame it all on
G.
my
That was a pretty sick
dog. It was. I think that was just an elderly president, right? That came over, ate a grape off of you, licked your skin, you died.
All right. So what? Jimmy Carter died because he licked my skin. Who cares? Who cares? He
was going to die soon anyway. He's been old for 100 years. We love him, though.
Jimmy Carter.
We love
He was
one of the good ones. For how much we know about politics, we love Jimmy Carter. We love him. We love him. We love him. Good stuff. I don't know if you guys know this. I've kept this pretty tight to the chest here. You guys, speaking of your T levels
going up, my T levels are at a detectable level for the first time in my entire
life. Oh, my gosh.
For the first time in my entire life,
I haven't. Everybody
clap weird.
Everybody clap weird.
We will hear this. I just want to pin for later. I'll talk about when you clap. Yeah. This is for later. So think about it. Where is the inciting energy
coming from? Yes. Where's the inertia? Just think about that. Where are you pushing the
inertia from?
Let's do it real
quick for us and take a mental note of what we're doing. Okay. Real quick. One, two, three for your T.
Okay. Someone turn
that into a GIF and put it on Giphy so when someone searches Funny Clap Teachers Lounge
their
on
iMessages, we come up.
We need that. And don't give me that bullshit where it's like I'm searching for a good Chalamet crying and I get something from the other two because I want the real one. All right?
All right.
We need the real one. Give me the real one. Anyway, go ahead, Howie. I mean, that was just huge news for me.
That's big. I saw you this morning. I saw you this morning reading Teen
Weightlifters. Well,
yes. They finally
let you buy it? Yeah.
Teen Weightlifters,
they let you have
it? Yeah. I went
in with my team. Yeah.
No? Well, you'd be surprised at the lesson. I'm at the level of a teenager when it comes to my sort of physiology. Right.
Late teen. You got your nice little mustache
coming in. Yes. Yes. Yes. And I think I've been reinvigorated by this experience of being
confronted.
And sort of following your guys' example of being combative with people and trying my best. I've, of course,
mustache.
grown the little
Yes.
And I've been feeling really good. Had a lot of energy in the morning. Teen Weightlifter also has a lot of stuff in there that's like not.
It's not weird. It's all
right. It's not weird for me to read. Okay. Well, for
you, for adults, these are new lessons. Yeah. Or old lessons. For you, it's new. And for
T. Yeah. It's like finally you have the muscle mass to sort of, and the bone density to
start building. And so I do, my body, because I have had such low testosterone for such a long time, it's been very hard for me to build muscle. But now that my levels are at a scientifically provable level that there
is
I
any,
been able to try to start going to the gym a little bit.
have
Shoulders are wide. I feel like your hair is getting a little straighter.
You know how curly hair is? T is
really affecting your hair. Curly hair means low T.
Everybody knows that. T is coming in strong on the scalp.
Yeah.
Yeah. It's shooting out. And my understanding is, like, right around when your numbers are going up, Frank Thomas stopped coming to your house to sell you a
new genics. New genics. New genics. Yeah. Right. Yeah. I was a huge supporter of new genics. I, I. Well, she loves it too, which is incredible.
Have you seen Frank, Frank Thomas? I heard stop taking new genics. He has the curliest, longest hair ever.
Wow. Really? So when you get high T, you get Hulk Hogan silkies.
You get Hulk Hogan silkies. A hundred percent. Yeah. Because that, you look like Hulkamania. Thank you so much. Barren wasteland up top. Silkiest thing you've ever seen in the back. Silkier than a silkworm.
High silk shine. Silkier than the S -worm. Straight from the
worm.
Straight
from the worm. And then super smooth. Also shine
on
the
skin. I heard that Hulk sleeps standing up
with his head nestled in a bunch of silkworm area.
I heard that too. Yes. And when they took a shot at his brother. What is it?
Just Hulk's speech at the Republican National Convention that I can't stop thinking about. I didn't know that Hulk and Trump were brothers. I think that's actually really cute. It
makes a lot of sense head wise, puffy wise, getting caught having sex with people who aren't
your wife wise. Florida
wise. Getting attracted to your children's boyfriends and
wise. I don't use some language.
girlfriends
But Howard, this is big.
Do you think you'll be going to prom? Oh, you're not there yet.
You're not ready yet. I don't think so. Nobody would want to go with me. But I.
How?
How are we?
Someone would. I think you need to find an adult woman.
We've been hanging around too many kids at the
Of course.
school. And you know what's weird? None of these fancy teachers want to hang around with us. It's like they knew we were all going to get canceled or something and they've just been avoiding it.
I know. I don't know
if it's a cancel, but the podcast is officially canceled at the school. We've been.
Yeah.
Yeah. I don't know if you noticed the feed. The first five episodes of this season sort of came out with with with one sort of situation. And now we've had to put into the description note. We're no longer affiliated with.
Right. What's this? The headmaster. The bullfrog. The croak bullfrog. We're no longer affiliated with the croak bullfrog
at all. This is an independent production. We don't need your help. Yeah. We don't need your help. All of my boys that were about to lead us to victory in the race have been sent to Hollywood to be stand -ins for Alien Romulus.
Wow. I'm so jealous. I have never been so
jealous. I have never been so jealous. Body modifications to be a great smooth rower.
I have never been more jealous. You know, I
had me thinking about getting my head elongated to be like an alien. Yeah. But good for them. Yeah. At the end of the day, good for them. I
mean, I've been following all their Instagram stories. They're winning. But now we don't have a row team.
We don't. What did the school think was going to happen when they tried to blackball us?
Did they think
we were just going to roll over and show our hole and just be fine with it? Absolutely not. I don't know about you guys, but I've been going back on everything I've been planning for the whole season.
I mean, year.
Good.
I have been surveilling our teams. And now I'm giving that information to the other teams.
Wow.
Oh, a double agent. Absolutely. If you don't want me here, I'm going to go to someone who does. And that's interesting.
Thank you, Bill. This is maybe kind of going to dovetail nicely with something that I've noticed recently.
I've been trying to get into the school and notice that my IDs have stopped working.
So I had to go to the facilities department and get a new ID. And they gave me a new name. They said Howard Levis' ID is already being used. We'll have to give you. So they've given me a new name. So I am essentially a new person
in this world. Howard, did you choose your own name? A mannequin stole your
identity. No, no, no. A mannequin stole your identity, took your ID, and is doing your whole life as you and is doing better. Well, he's going to have a hard time doing
that when Howard Levas is out on the - Howard Levas?
Howard Levas.
Howard Levas. Howard Levas. How do you just - and it's spelled the same.
It's
more umlauts than anyone needs. Yeah. Levas is very nice.
You might consider - So
I am now Howard Levas.
Howard.
Howard Levas. Howard. Yeah. Okay. A little cheesy.
The W is pronounced different. It's a German W. It is
cheesy. A little cheesy. It's a little cheesy, but - I would love some Havarti on Levas, Brett. You're not the first person to say that to me, Todd, but -
Havarti on Levas? You want that snack?
I don't even need a drink of water. No.
And
I won't even need a drink of water with it. That's how much I enjoy it.
I want a nice soft cheese on a dry bread. Well, Havard. Wow. It rolls off the
tongue. It does. It's Havard. Havard. Well, all I'm saying is,
in a certain sense, they're not listening. And I have a bit of a vendetta. If we wanted to sort of go whole
hog and really fuck this school up and sabotage these games this coming week, I would go to another school and I would absolutely recap it. What I'm hearing is, your face has been deleted, replaced with some mannequin face.
Your fingerprints don't work anymore.
You have
a fresh name. This is espionage written all over it.
What does espionage mean? You're a human with no serial number.
Yeah.
Basically,
ghost guy.
I'm a
You're a ghost guy.
I love it. We have now initiated ghost guy protocol. Havard Lavash, your mission
if you choose to accept it. And now, is it
Lavash? It is Lavash. Havard Lavash. Havard Lavash. I love it. It's one of those classic sexy
names for
detectives.
So you're a new guy, Havard Lavash.
You've got the T of a high school
boy. This is the perfect ghost man
protocol.
Absolutely.
I could wreak havoc in these games.
And you know what? I've been working so much with these drones. I've souped them up. I think we can do the full lower you in thing.
So are you going to do your own stunts? Instead of toast, we'll say Lavash, wouldn't
it? Yes. We're going to make too much noise. Are you going to do your own stunts? Absolutely. Oh, my God.
Wow. It's ghost
man protocol. It's ghost man protocol. You guys made a joke about my T levels and Teen Weightlifter Magazine or whatever. I didn't make a joke.
I saw you reading Teen Weightlifter Magazine. It's fantastic. We weren't joking.
Nothing on this
is a joke. By the way, you said that your T levels are for the first time readable. Is it one? A fraction. It's
fractional.
Well,
that's fine. Fractional. This is huge. It's .01 was the
level. But if you multiply that times a million, you'll have about one.
Absolutely.
That's
amazing.
Unbelievable. It's a trajectory. It's an upward trajectory,
not the most.
if
So
are you going to, if you accept this mission, Havard
Lavash, do you choose to accept it? I choose. Look, if it means getting back at these guys and getting back at these students who I thought I was developing a fair relationship with.
I don't know why you want to hate me.
I don't know. the world something something lately
wow wow
wow
wow wow
wow
wow wow wow wow wow wow wow bitty you
mediterranean restaurant
someone
clip the last 40 seconds
and try to give it a three word title
that makes sense and put it on socials for us and make it succinct like like pull out yeah the
things that don't work just use the good part can somebody take
nine seasons ten seasons and slam it
slam it
quick and just get the hits
and and and money we need money
well i don't know this this havard lavash thing mixed with my fucking anti -school espionage i think i think this school is about to reap what it sows and
what it's sowing is discord in my soul
yes and i am so good at putting little shitty makeshift guns behind
the headlights of of old cars
yes
i've
been
doing that for years
that skill would never pay off
finally paying off nothing more reliable than a shitty gun behind an old car
well i'm buying them both at auction
yes i'm not we're not getting the brand new aston martin and
now i'm buying an old pinto car old small gun and by the way the people at these auctions are not very savory
no it is a lot of world war ii era guns i won't see which side well there's a lot of thing there's a lot of things they throw away at that pbs show where you're seeing if they're good
antiques roadshow yeah so it's a lot of old guns usually with gunpowder that i've put behind the lights oh it's like
1800s revolutionary war you have to refill these stuff but i can i can always like if we can find an investor for havard lavash um absolutely
oh we got the gun guy we got the drone guy we've got havard doing his stunts
himself and i've been buying the hats that ving rames wears in the movies for you yeah you're mr pork pie
yes oh my god
they're a little big on me you have got the great those great hats
it's hard to find them in my size they're too big but they are uh i love the way they look on ving i love the way they look on me it
makes me
feel strong like him
well i think we have the crew
wow this has just turned into a mission impossible
podcast ghost man
protocol hard lavash i just want to
i think we should take a break because i've been so excited yes
and i regret my energy a little bit but i'm having fun but i just want to list
we've got ghost man protocol we've got teen
wave magazine we've got headmaster the
hearing
we've got what was the tube called sleep or sleep crap yeah we got sleep crap yeah we have there's another
version of you i'm from singapore
he's from
cc you
love tiny mics beat uh pistol pete uh we have a lot to work with yeah this was an incredible half hour
we really needed this
we needed this yeah
uh i i think i'm gonna order some mediterranean food and also some french cheeses
we'll take a little break
and
i i have to say something you guys please i felt in in that first half of that record all right like my true honest self with you guys and i i feel so safe and comfortable but also so full of regret when i show my real self the headmaster stuff that's not me
right
don't
i
hear the word headmaster and immediately think of someone who's good at blowjobs
no not immediately it's a it's a character i i do you know what i mean because
right expect something from me todd padre and i have to give it to them it's like giuliani he's not the way he is you're saying the idea that you can think that fast is wrong you are spending an hour thinking of funny things so i was i was through you know i was you know i'm trying to get a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit well you
were rich we were all raised on wrestling and you take certain aspects
in that art form and you heighten it organically and when the audience starts to respond to it you go deeper and deeper and deeper and you become you quickly become a heel
of yourself
yeah
yeah because todd you say it as if oh it was just a joke you thought of headmaster is a person who but you actually
lived you lived the you lived the life where you thought this person was real and you went to the hearing with your pants around your ankles so
it's not it wasn't just an off the cuff moment it's it's a thing that you legitimately felt and headmaster is a thing yes
headmaster is a
thing headmaster just
shouldn't be conflated
shouldn't can we rethink this and maybe this was your first time you've ever acted so
it
well well i disagree with the kind of premise
overall well it is a time where i acted it was a time where you were so in character
yes
i saw that daniel day lewis was coming out of retirement and i said yes well if the greats are back you're trying to audition for for uh ddl's son
yeah oh my
god son's movie me as ddl's son oh wait oh his son's movie his son's making well you you went into the wrong room the audition for bbl and fortunately instead of daniel
day i was there's there was an audition for and this isn't me it's a character of todd padre
me todd padre i'm normal but i went into a room
for an audition for the character of guy who sees brazilian butt lift that
wasn't the character you said i want to read for guy who sees brazilian butt lift
yes i was like dude i could play this so easily
and they were like actually this is an audition for the before picture of someone who gets a
bbl yeah we need somebody to go out then and i showed him how caked up i was
you do have a big you had just sat on a cake unfortunately
yes it was cake i went into a baskin robbins ice cream cake store and i sat
down
on a cake and i said this isn't a chair it's a cake it's a peach cake you have a big peach cake on
your butt
oh i gotta go to an audition
which was
excited
for you it's not me i don't think like this i'm not like this right
so
especially after reviewing it
right
especially after reviewing the tape you really figured out you're not like i'm not like this i'm not like how i just was don't listen to the if you the parts you think that you like listen to it and that's me
the parts you
what is wrong with this guy that's a joke right if you know anything about parody law like we are we've studied it forever because everything we do is lifted you know you're allowed to say whatever you want and just say i was joking
don't like
yes
yes if you have an attorney you're fine well i
don't think you've done anything
i don't think you've done anything
you've lost
scumbaggio
who's obviously come back
the
to
rescue
damn but i don't think you've done anything wrong
you've got no you got uh
and that's fine i
think some people are probably going to see it as your first moment of vulnerability on air
okay
that's beautiful it's like sometimes when you're not trying to pick your personality
and i think
the truth the truth comes out and it's beautiful
i think even you apologizing for it is maybe not necessary you you showed who you were and you also showed who you don't want to be seen as and that's
take it or
beautiful
leave it but there's also something to be said for finally sort of stepping into yourself into yourself even if it's a version of yourself that you think is nasty or gross what if that's where you're most
you need to step into your
powerful
power it wasn't the butterfly we thought it was going to be from the worm it actually is like butterfly to worm
yes
but that's still a transformation
i was a butterfly once
and it's still a transformation at one point you hit chrysalis yeah you've become you've transitioned people don't talk about that like oh you got to come butterfly some people start as a butterfly become worm
and that is also a valid trend their wings fall off and they're just the little wiggly middle part of the butterfly
yes a little slug man
good for you todd i think being honest about yourself is the most beautiful thing you can be
wonderful and i
think i think situations like we find ourselves in right now wonderful is is our growth moments right like
who would have
that a guy like me would be the guy that i am today
ever thought
and todd we did you todd we do have to we're going later to see one of our favorite bands in the dome so i need you to be chill okay we're going to see a band in a venue
called the dome yes yes
okay dome okay
but it is just
well thank god i go into the dome thank god you're not in new orleans where the superdome is don't we gotta quit i know we
are doing it
i remember
terrible when hurricane katrina happened and they put everyone in the superdome
i thought that's exactly what they need right
give everyone who's lost so much some superdome and i well and i do also remember that i flew there and i pretended to have i got really wet and i pretended to have lost a lot of the hurricane that's where i lived and
i said treme and i came with a trumpet
and when they said you don't live here i said george bush does not care about todd pod
todd you're a great guy you're just a great
i think you could we know you were superdome!
guy
sometimes your spirit comes out and it's just something beautiful to see it's like you can't be shaken you can't be flapped you're unflappable
absolutely that's beautiful even if it's weird i'm like a penguin i'm unflappable i can't fly i'm on right on the ground protecting
my you're like the penguin
you're like the new penguin you're like the gross yeah i lip around my feet are crazy you wear prosthetics constantly yelling at the woman uh the woman from palm springs uh what's her name corazono
yeah what is her name big
eyes
little head
but see this is the stuff that's going to let get us back to school
back to what we do is this sort of self -realization
don't want to go back i'm can i be honest
i
please
this school is so moneyed it feels corporate i don't think i even want to be a teacher anymore it's made me lose my faith in education they're not educating
people
here they're turning them into little robots to work in capitalism with their fancy parents and let's be honest and what has school ever done for us it has made us crazy awful people with terrible emotional problems giving us a safe place to exist crazily and so there's part of me that kind of see here's what sam is saying now and with my newfound sort of set of skills and and everything i'm like avard i mean maybe maybe the real problem that with with the teachers with the four of us has been we've been square pegs trying to shove ourselves into a round hole for
really we'll take a season off and then we'll get back into
we should get back thanks no
i agree with you
trying to go
it's like why are we
where we're not wanted
maybe we need a
vacation oh my god i've never related to a state anymore we need a vacation
yes
we need to kick our
feet up sand in our toes we need to get a seven day pass to a water park oh my god and just have a blast that's bring in our own shit because i i'm going down slides on boogie boards i'm bringing i'm bringing jet
skis oh yeah i'm surfing on the we sneak in skis we sneak in boogie boards we sneak in big floats i have my jet ski disguised as a backpack i just pop it on my back and get
ever you brought it into a movie you can bring it anywhere
wheel easiest thing
ever
just
i
do a movie i slid open my jansport i
laid it over the top of the sea do and nobody knows we drag you in on a trailer yep you're laying backwards and like you've got a huge jansport wrapped around the whole rig yes and we just pull you in it's fantastic it's genius the only time it doesn't work is when you are trying to go jet skiing and you accidentally just bring a backpack
you the switch
the big switch
we've all done it myself before yes but we had a good time last time at the lake on that little herschel that was
nice we kind of we kind of felt like
the man in the bathtub
yeah it
went too bad it went too bad cool colors cool
really cool i made funny when i bought it i said it's just the it's just a freaking bag
you pay 90 for a freaking bag yeah you put coral next to brown it's just a
bag
bag it's just a
it's just a bag but who's laughing now that we're toting along down the river four men to a sack
we all got herschels and they're just bags but we like we like lime green right next to red
oh with a zipper that's
orange
and you guys jansport is pulling their hair out trying to
figure out oh they don't have enough
panels they don't have enough panels to have that many colors
they're fucked herschel is supreme
you know i'm obsessed with i'm obsessed with my new herschel wallet it's got six zippers and eight colors
oh incredible
i can't even
sit right that's what i want for my wallet i want to be able to hide everything i need to get too quick
you know what i figured out if you buy expensive bags people think you're okay everyone your personality doesn't matter
if your bags are expensive i like taking my very expensive carry -on shell suitcase to the dead back row of the plane like why did you get comfort plus you dummy oh
you spent so much on that bag you sit back here about a
toilet well i'm the opposite i'll buy first class and walk on with a rouse plastic bag
i'll say fuck you fuck
you i spin it all on
the seat
my
shit's going to be spilling out on the floor
i bring
liquid i bring liquid in that bag you have the opposite of status at the airport and you're you are slammed
yeah there's a pre -check super hard oh kitchen corner quick kitchen corner keep those
bags
they're the perfect first class carry -on oh my god those heavy plastic ones oh
i want we all reuse they're not they've the bags have gotten much more sturdy so we can also and use more plastic so we can also immediately throw those
away yeah what is that they smart they made a law about no more plastic bags and then they thickened all the bags
they thickened them up and we still and we still just crumple the hell out of them they technically made them reusable by making them thicker
they say they're
they don't they don't break the law you know who's using them is all the ants in my cupboard because i haven't touched them in a year i
reusable so that
put them in the food cupboard and i don't touch the bags or the food oh answer having a hate when you are not working like we are currently ant farm mm -hmm and i'm growing
i'm growing up some of my answer the most confident ants you've ever seen they're well fed they are cared for aka left alone in the cupboard
it is perfect my answer so confident i got
yes
out acting like sammy davis jr your ants came up
i'm loving the bags babe i'm loving the bags babe your ants came over and bullied my ant farm the other day
they
i'm sorry
did a friars club uh roast it
was the red ants club bro
it was the red ants club
roast and they got lit up all of them smoking cigs my boys are happy i love to watch grainy footage of ants roasting each other from the 70s i love it
that's we gotta get back to him well they say things we can't say
now yeah
yeah you can only carry eight times your weight bitch they say
say they say they talk about carrying big
they
leaves don crickets will talk about ants from any any country
any country he'll say what they look like and what their
stereotypes are yes
yes um what else
ant ant kills every time it's there as himself as a
what about
human
trying to ingratiate and they're like yeah
what's our audience age you guys remember ant america's next top could be our last comic standing
or whatever big personality i think they ended up hiring him for a bravo show or an mtv host yep ant look him up
look him up
um
i but anyway
corner i guess we're in other things because we got that oh yeah well that was part of the kitchen corner the
kitchen
ant stuff but yeah just plastic bags i don't really know what my angle is jesus oh fuck how are you uh lavash off camera get lavash on camera he's the star
we
got lavash in five inch lifts uh his best friend's wife has disappeared uh
by the way the masks came i got us all convincing john voight masks
good and we'll be able to rip them off at any point good four voights walk into a bar
three of them rip their heads off voights
yes we need that we need masks because savard you are you are something else
so and i just want to clarify we are now our impossible mission
yes
is to
uh re -ingratiate ourselves with the school or punish them for not
trusting us i'm tired yeah i think i think i think what we decided on was that we were going to sort of take our frustrations with the way we've been treated out on the school
we were
going to do you
turn
so in mission impossible they're kind of like saving the world
yes we are taking out uh uh vendettas whoa lavash for vendetta
okay on top of the voight masks let's get anonymous masks
oh i still have those from the
last one i'm gonna go shave natalie portman's head and we'll come back
you've been chasing after her with
clippers for years we need it back make it real you really lost it when that movie
came out you really felt you were into it you can tell pretty early on if someone brings up me for vendetta what you feel about them you know what i mean
one of the biggest movies that nobody gives a fucking shit about
i know damn
but listen i think the headmaster and all of his little cronies need to go down i don't know about you guys but i'm thinking of droning into his bedroom and killing him tonight
what do you guys think about that
because i've as we know my
damn crash right through a window who cares we're we're
we are at the we
have a bard a bard
i know but a bard has an ultimate plan and is the sniper he's the
jam i roll in on
a speedboat holding my hat
down
yes uh i think the thing about if we're really going to map mission impossible we don't have to map it we're just doing it naturally we're just doing it
i don't even
naturally
know what mapping is i don't
think
we have to
kill anybody
first
now i tell that to all the improv groups i coach what is mapping i don't know we have to kill anybody i think if you really want to teach somebody a lesson you have to let them live to see their world fall apart
how are you and
that
i think your t just went up to 0 .5 maybe even one
sorry
your
t is strong did i
just hear
a little pube go we
just heard something poke out of a of a poor i actually did install this little monitor on my arm that has a it has a uh real -time monitoring of my t
levels
oh you have a t level
monitor
that's good wow so you can see how
oh it's it's
hovering about 0 .56
oh it just hit six it tells you if you eat too much sugar your tea goes down some things like that yeah well it's for my diabetes as well as my tea i don't know if i've ever
talked about my diabetes
on the show
i
that you have dietitis well it's well that's what the doctors call it and i
yeah
don't know
said it's not funny to do cute jokes about this yeah we're not yeah we we did let's stay on tea
but so howard uh um
so you're saying
don't kill the
headmaster no i think i think because i
think
the ultimate the ultimate payback is is what is
tearing somebody's world down and and live and having them have to live in the in the aftermath yeah they they can't even blame us no and so so my thought it's ghost we know what this school we know this school wants to to show up and show out at the academic
decathlon yes we know that this school wants to impress all of these kids wealthy parents to get donations to keep this school floating yeah
and so i think it's a two -pronged approach yeah
it's getting it's it's it's humiliating them at the at the academic decathlon
okay and and also
making sure that not a single one of these parents is going to donate a single cent to this school
so yes
false right
so you've been so we've got a two -pronged approach
two -pronged approach
they lose and then they they lose their donation
yeah i know how to get them to lose donations i'm going to start a mass email to the parents letting them know
everything that's going on oh that's going to get
everybody talking worried a little bit on their heels
good i am a little concerned that they will think that it's just my newsletter about everything i'm up to lately the short film i'm working on people do not like
those which you just hit them with this morning
it's not your first email school
-wide yeah do you think people could tell that they weren't really new headshots
no and last chance to donate for my short film has come so many times
like when is
the cut we are just about at our six hundred thousand dollar uh donation limit we have six dollars
all we need to all we need to do is times it by a hundred thousand
wow
todd
are you willing to match donations
for havard lavash and i don't know what i mean by that but
oh i love matching donations i love it uh yeah i know that like um bradley cooper was 600 matching my donation to kamala
um
and so i would match donations like bradley wow absolutely because we need i need help um arming havard
yes
um whether it be whether it be with and and i don't want to give you guns i don't but i do want you to be invisible i do want you to have a new face which we have
we've got the void mask we have to work with the void mask yeah what are some more fun technologies do want you to be able to
shape shift well
look yeah that's so we just
need a little money for shape shifting and like i have taken young rowers and turned them into alien romuluses
oh
good so but slowly i think i can take you and maybe we can give you we can just look speed up the process and then also bring it back
yes because we have to be able to bring you back to human we
can't have it's cellular it's speedy you
it's
it's cellular changes
cellular
yeah and listen havard we have your back
you're gonna go do the mission and we're gonna be behind our computers telling you how to do it all yeah and we have your back well and tea is a magic
solution well i was gonna say maybe we could work i was gonna say historically you guys have i think looked at me as uh a little dork a little loser
no you know but that was a couple more
things yeah those two for sure yeah oh but yes but that was before i had three point four
oh
yeah
we're
sitting we're not working out yeah it's like blood sugar
you started reading a a fiction novel and your tea went
down yeah well we're taking you to the monkey bars out back yes and we're getting you ready
you're doing pull -ups you're doing everything
you're gonna do that you just hang there while we hit your stomach until it gets yes because because you know i think we have a lot of i think we have a lot of dirt on this school
you know we know
i know like i know that about that secret society that invited me in for one night that is doing some kind of weird satanic ritual i know about uh
yeah
well these rich parents they go all the way to the top
you know they've been to the nasty island you i mean some of these names steve coffee this guy invented coffee
who was on
nasty island exactly steve coffee who went to nasty island
as far as we know everybody goes to nasty island with steve coffee i've got the list
a lot of
people
have been to nasty we're not only against the school we're against this
cabal on dirty plane to nasty island james video games
no
way
yes
i guarantee it i guarantee it steve coffee james video games have been on dirty plane to nasty island and we know we know
yeah
oh and
by the way i i can't say this i was gonna say i'm not suicidal so if i die by suicide it's somebody killed me
because i have this information i'm pretty suicidal i don't feel great about myself um so it's 50 50 but we'll be doing wellness checks a lot just to make sure on you or you'll be doing posts hey i'm fine i'm of sane mind and you'll have to give this
i'm
feeling a little doodly doodly well
hard i am at your service and i've put my hand
stiff where's your inertia coming from
oh we never checked in on inertia with your salutes where's it coming from for me i swing from the hip
you swing from the hip i throw elbow and i and i bring hand off last
that's really good i
i guess i get it from baseball i yes with the hip and i squash the bug you squash good what do you what do you do havard
i i'm quite rigid
throughout bam
wow
bam all a very classic salute and i think mine is
yeah throw it
off with your head he pushes the hand away with your head
yeah that way multicultural worldwide respectful worldwide respectful that's what i say at the beginning of my rap
songs
yeah
worldwide respectful
wow
well listen i think we have a huge plan that we need to hatch up and we really need to get
every little detail right every little blueprint we're sending through the air shaft i've rented a whole floor uh in an office building and
don't get me started on getting back to the office oh my god there's so
nobody's
many
back
yeah i wish more like i am the only one
working nobody wants
to work anymore and they don't want to they don't want to
come back to the office so the office buildings in hamilton are absolutely
just this is exactly what we were talking about three years ago
this is so pertinent now yeah yeah it's like in mission impossible where you're like how did they get this office building so quickly in the past i have no idea
no idea thing but now it's just that no one wants to work anymore yeah in the next mission impossible movie they're going to be just in way empty office buildings i know i did get those sticky gloves made we can crawl up the side of
anything what's the weight oh my god you did yeah 15
pounds
oh
we need to work on that for todd we need to work on that yeah in my bra okay
liar
liar about chest size
liar
well i think we're i think we have a lot to work with i
think we have a lot of planning to do and i'm gonna go check on those masks to make sure they look good realistic good i'm at your service i do have an old chrysler lebaron that i put a couple of uh acme bombs behind
the headlights and i think that's gonna ruin the car so we need to work on you put bombs behind the headlights
canola oil in the back to make people slip yes
yes
great
yes yes
good
extra virgin canola we're gonna have some hungry virgins chasing us
um and i i'm going to a hat auction today so i can look like being rams
that would be really helpful we're all talking about our intense plans and you just
oh my god yeah the sotheby's is opening up some new hats they're
doing hat
yeah they're doing
on my god
today's lot
know your limits when you get that little paddle in your hand i
know you have your paddle revoked
you had your paddle revoked
well
ping -ponging with people he was never good for it he would
i kept
go no i got
that part
he
was never good for
yeah he was
it
never
we sure we should let this guy bid up to a million again he's never won every auction on every piece of art never good for
good well are
uh one million dollars for the bank see that disappears
you knew what was gonna happen and also they had already done that todd also plays the silent auction but he doesn't play him
so silent he tries to intimidate people i got something to my throat i got something to say i
want to i want to make sure they see me yes he wants to be done silent auction with a gun he's just walking along writing his name out with a gun in his hand
it's not silent uh all right
we're at your service the one thing i do want to ask
you all have been so great this season i hope of socials engagement we are getting us more money now is the time where we need to unite against these corporate fucks so
everybody out there do what you can to help us take down not just this school but whoever you're mad at in your corporate world it we can't let them do this anymore citizens united elon
musk netflix netflix
uh uh hello fresh hello fresh hello kitty uh hello dolly
hello
nurse
all right hello chicago all of them um you use your
money
that is your vote in this world right now stick together and send your money to us
so
we can take down these
fucks
yeah pigs pigs yes
uh today's corporate pig segment brought to you by plastic tube
this we are okay with plastic tube
plastic tube school
everybody smells good
we're smelling from the other room right now with plastic tube well ever wonder what the other room smells like and it's the kitchen and the the casserole's on fire really fresh
air yes for the last time in your life you won't be able to tell that the casserole is not on fire
we have our casserole smellers and you don't have to buy just one plastic tube you can run them through every room in your house you can smell anywhere in the city if you want
you've heard about a
you've heard about a telephone on a cord this is smell on a tube
if you're like me we're not talking about britain
we're
not talking
about the underground do you want to talk to your neighbor but don't you want to smell the other town i
know plastic too and if you're anything like me you don't want to use the same tube for your crapnia as for smelling your neighbors buy as me five tubes ten tubes they don't they bundle
but i want to say
if all you can afford is one for your crapnia the other end still work and they are cleanable they are
cleanable every morning to use to smell other towns other people's houses and stuff
and they both ends work and they are cleanable stay flippy