Full Service Truck Stop

You never know where the dirty road of life is gonna take you. And while you're traveling, there's not much you can count on. But there's a few things you can. That big drink of soda's gonna make you have to tee -tee. Those snacks you ate are gonna make you have to tutu. That air conditioner on your face is gonna make your lips mighty parched. And those nervous arms and under areas are gonna get quite sweaty. If only there was a place that could solve all those problems at once. Well, hang on. It seems there is. So pull on over, get yourself a snack, a drink, a bathroom experience, and hell. Why not use the showers while you're at it? At the full -service truck stop.

Shower ready for 4, 2, 1. Shower ready for 4, 2, 1. Fuck it.

Hi, did I miss? I'm 4, 2, 1. I'm 4, 2, 1.

I just called your name twice.

Yeah, sorry. It's a big station and I've been waiting for a while. So I just kind of went.

I'm 4, 2, 2. If you want to skip.

ready. I got my towel on. I'm ready. Go ahead. You're penalized.

I'm

Yeah, okay. This

a

is

tight running ship. Okay, I can't have you doing this. It's

nice in here.

Welcome. Welcome to the penalty box. Come on, have a seat. Have a seat. Hi, how are you? Good. How are you? It's been a tough day. I burnt a Jimmy Dean in the microwave. And that's why you're in the penalty box? Yeah, I smoked out the mic. I smoked it out pretty

I tried to go to the bathroom real quick, but I had a Jimmy Dean in there. I was heating it up

bad.

on full. I'm sorry to hear that. It ended up being a number two. I came back. The place was filled with smoke. So he put me in the penalty box.

Schlocki's foot long to

go. Schlocki's foot long to go.

out to get my sandwich at least? Yeah, go ahead. You've been in there long enough.

I get

Can

Three hours. Hurry

up. Sandwich is burning. Okay. What? What? Wait. I thought you said it's ready. It's still cooking? It's cooking until you pick it up. Hurry up. All right. Pull it out. Pull it out. Oh, you're right here. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sorry. I was using the loudspeaker.

I'm just going to eat it here in the penalty box. That's okay.

back in there.

Yeah,

I mean, sometimes accents are predicated on mouth shapes. Oh, yeah. But yeah, we all have the same jaw issue. Yeah, we do. Sorry, I'm coming down. Too much jaw. T. Too much jaw. Too much jaw. And what was the last letter you said there? Too much jaw T. Too much jaw two. So it's a sequel to a disease we had years ago.

TMJT. It's too much jaw two. Everybody had too much jaw. And then somehow the disease got worse and it became too much jaw two.

Yeah, it went away for a while. And when it came back, we were like, oh, this is more of a sequel than it is kind of a continuing on.

Number 32 at the jaw chiropractor. Number 32. Your chiropractor is ready. Hi. How are you?

I'm good, sir. How are you? I'm not good. You're 32. You ready for

the jaw chiropractor? Number two. I really need an adjustment. I can see that. I haven't been able to open my

mouth for a couple of months now. Well, hey, you're doing great. I can hear everything you're saying. Congratulations. Let me get the doctor to see if he's ready. He said he was. Let me just go ahead and make sure. Okay. Great. Thank you so much. I'll just wait right here. Thank you. Actually, could you wait in the penalty box?

Our waiting room is just flooded right now.

And so if you could wait in the penalty box, you're not on penalty. You're just waiting. Sure. It's just the only place where there's space for me to stay in. Yeah, we're flooded everywhere except the actual

chiropractor's office. Yeah, I'll just hop on in here.

Hey, Charles.

Good to see you. This is a new guy. He didn't get a shower in time, 421. He missed it. Oh, common mistake. Common mistake.

You got to be ready in your towel sitting in here next to the candy to get the shower, okay?

Yeah, this truck stop runs on a pretty tight schedule.

Mm -hmm.

There's just so many ins and outs, so many different schedules that got online.

So it gets a little hectic, and

these guys got online. Sir, your chiropractor is ready if you'd like to come out of the penalty box.

Thank God. Thank God. All right, boys.

good day. Just before you go in there, I wanted to write down what exactly you're looking for. Are you feeling tightness on your right or your left? Full

a

All square. Full adjustment on the whole square. Yeah, it's looking like both jaws are locked up. I think I got TMJT. Oh, yeah. Or maybe

three. It might be TMJT, because I did have TMJT

about

six months ago.

Well, TMJ3 is still TMJT, just so you know. Oh,

TMJTH, maybe.

Sir, you're supposed to still be in the penalty box. You really burnt that little spoon. Yeah, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm just eating this crunchy -ass footlong here in the penalty box, and I'm sorry. That was a

footlong? It looks like a little smoky.

Oh, you have the sandwich. Excuse me. Yes, yeah, yeah. But you also burnt that Jimmy Dean. I thought it was a little tiny smoky. You burnt it so bad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I put in a little tiny smoky. It was a little single Jimmy Dean little smoky that I brought from home. I don't have my microwave anymore. Lost it. End of divorce.

Damn, she got it from you?

Yeah. Damn. Sir,

go into your

appointment, please. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Are

you from, are you just

passing through town? I'm passing through, yeah. I'm from Santa Fe, and I'm just driving through. I'm visiting my

parents. Wow. Beautiful. They moved down to Georgia. Where'd they move from?

From Santa Fe. Are they the devil? They moved down to Georgia?

I've heard about your parents. I think I've heard about

them. The devil didn't move down to Georgia. He went down to Georgia.

Well, that was the original song that was stolen from me. It was about the devil packing up and moving to Georgia and losing half of his things on the way.

Does he ever run into a guy and challenge him to a fiddle duel?

No, not at all. My devil can't play the fiddle. He's moving for work.

So you wrote the devil moved down to Georgia 40 -ish years ago. Yes. And it was

just a song about, where's he moving from? Hell? Yes.

And

he loses a lot of his... New York City.

New York City he's

moving from. So it's like a cultural commentary song. Yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah. I'd love to hear some of it.

Oh, yeah. Devil went, nope. See? See? See? It's already in my head. I

don't want to pressure

you.

That's okay. I'll sing it eventually. But no, my parents aren't the devil. Okay. They just moved down to Georgia

from Santa Fe. Really across to

Georgia. We have one vacant shower with nobody currently waiting.

If anybody would like to shower, please rush to the line. Am I allowed out of the penalty box? Because I'd love to use that shower.

You missed 421, right? Yeah. What are the rules here? Can I go

box? No, you've got to wait for it to come around. Come back around. Well, I can't leave here, but I'd like to claim the shower. 422. That was the guy behind

penalty

out of the

me with

422. It's his time again. They're recalling him.

He's showering a second time.

He's going again. Oh, you're in there? You're currently in there? All right. Keep on going. You can have an extra 30 minutes. Jesus. Nothing weird, though. Don't do anything weird in there.

Oh, yeah. There's a nothing weird policy in the showers, just so you know.

I believe you all. I don't think I... My imagination was anyone who was taking a shower in here. It was a quick rinse in and out. I didn't think anyone was going to luxuriate in these truck stop showers. No, no, no. There's seats in there. You can take a seat if you want. I don't. Shh. Okay. Well. I'm visiting my parents, though. Yeah. They recently... They're going to renew their vows. Oh, nice.

And I

didn't want to go because it's a long drive. And then last minute, I felt guilty. And so I'm trying to make the whole drive in like a night. Oh, nice. Yeah. Okay. You feel guilty

a lot.

Can anybody spare a dollar? Can anyone spare a dollar? I'm stranded on the side of the highway, and I just don't have any more money for gas. So I'm either moving in here or

I'm... Come on. Come on. Kirk, you're rich.

Does anybody have a dollar? Kirk. Kirk. What?

We just saw you on the news. You sold the land for oil.

All right? Yeah. You just made a ton of money. Don't tell us you're broke already. But this is my hobby. This is my hobby.

Coming in and borrowing a dollar. You're wearing a lot of gold. You burn it already? Not the oil money. Kirk. Kirk. The oil money's gone.

Shit. The oil money's gone. It wasn't that much oil. It

was a small parcel. What is that?

An Iron Man suit, but made out of plated gold? Yeah. It's a Gucci Iron Man suit. Wow. Iron Man had Gucci make it for me.

The property Iron Man.

I think it was him. I mean, it looks right, doesn't it?

That Gucci does not look like an original, a clear Gucci signal. It seems off. You said it wasn't a

lot of oil. What type of oil was it? Like the oil, like car oil?

It was like petroleum jelly. I was sitting on a big stack of petroleum jelly right underneath my house.

Jelly fields under your

house. I was on a jelly

field. Well, that explains why you were seasick all the time in your house. A little

sloshy. So what? So what? I'm not saying. So what? So I get seasick at my house. Fuck you. So what? Can I have a dollar? I'm stranded in my Iron Man suit.

I just need a dollar. Oh, you need the money to help getting out of the suit? You're stranded

inside the suit. I need to pay someone to help me get out of the suit because the zip or the clasp is in the back. Right. And then I need money to get on the road again. This is as far as I got.

Here's a buck. I kind of made a rule of

myself. If someone's begging for money, they could probably use it better than what I spend myself. Well, I'm not begging. I'm just asking.

He was just asking. Don't make me worse than I am. I'm in a Gucci Iron Man suit, for Christ's sakes. Pretty cool. That's a clear ask. A man in a gold suit

comes up and says, give me a dollar.

That's an ask. Okay, sorry. Yeah,

I should have used my words better. All right, I'm going to fly out of here. Oh, my God. Those are clear. Oh, Kirk. Oh, Kirk. Damn. Shit. Kirk is dead for sure. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. That man is dead for sure. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. Wow. Oh, my God. That's okay. I

know. Is that your first? It's okay.

That's okay. Is that your first human death you've

seen? Yes, yes.

Oh, my God. That's

shocking. That

is shocking. But that man is dead for sure.

That's

scary, isn't it? The last thing in his whole life he did was take a dollar from me and try to convince me he wasn't a beggar. That

man is

dead for sure in front of you. Oh, my God. And you will remember that for the rest of your life. Oh, he is dead for

sure.

I mean, the way he blew up and how hard he hit the ground, there's no way he

lived through that. No way he lived through that. There was a scream when he was in the air, but the hit on the cement out there in front of the filling station, he is dead

for sure. It was a silent hit vocally. He made no vocal sounds, which means he was for sure

dead on the way down. Yeah, there's no movement whatsoever out there in that pile of gold. Oh, my

God. Did someone just fall over here? I was just a coroner stopping to get gas. Should I?

No, that's Kirk. He blew up his Iron Man suit, and he's dead for sure.

Oh, okay. Let me just check. Yeah, he's gone for sure.

You just put two fingers to a little pile of blood. Well, yeah, he's gone for

sure.

I couldn't feel a pulse or anything. He's gone for sure. He's dead and gone for sure.

Thanks so much, Doc. I really appreciate that. I'll see you tomorrow for my next one. Hey, Charles, Kirk's dead for sure. He's out

there in the street.

I know that's one of your good buddies. How are we sure he's dead?

Well, he flew up in his gold Iron Man suit, and it

up, and then he fell to

blew

put my fingers on it. Oh, chicken roller. Good luck. I've been sold out for

weeks. Oh, I'm sorry. What? Chicken roller for who? I was told we were sold out of chicken roller. For Kirk. Oh, it looks like someone stuck in the penalty box. Wait, Kirk. Coroner getting a chicken roll.

Wait, no. No. Chicken roll. No, coroner. I thought you were. Coroner, they said Kirk. They said that's the dead body's chicken roll. Well, yeah, but I was the last one to touch him. Is that the roll?

I do think the coroner gets whatever somebody ordered before their death is bequeathed to the coroner.

Thank you. I have heard that before. Thank you. You must be from the city.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm a lawyer. Really? You are. You don't dress like one. You're not dressed like a lawyer at all. Yeah, I mean, you

know. Where's your messenger bag?

Messenger bag.

Yeah. Like nice, to me, leather case.

You're pulling around a big plastic thing like a teacher.

Yeah. A big

plastic box on wheels like a

teacher. Yeah, like a little

rolling filing

cabinet. You're a teacher, dude.

You're a teacher. Shut up. Nice try. No, I'm not. I'm a lawyer. Yeah. Why'd you carry your files in here?

Because I didn't want anyone to steal them. They're pretty, like, very sensitive documents, and I was going to take a shower. You don't

trust your car? I don't want to be rude, but no, I don't trust the people in this area. State report? What is this, a state report from a kid?

No, no,

it's not a state report. You're a teacher. You're not a lawyer. Please don't dig through that, Mr. Coroner.

I can't help you get your fingers for answering. Rifling through my file.

They're on fire. Hey, they're on fire. You rifled too fast. They're on fire. Oh, my

God. My case. My case. Can I bring these into the shower?

Let

me

put these out. Charles, you're on fire. I'm done. Charles. I'm done. Somebody speak with Charles. Oh, Charles, no.

Oh, okay.

Hang on. Charles.

Yeah, dead for

sure

sure. Dead for

already?

And I'm a coroner, so I know. Charles. I know exactly when they're dead for sure. Two people dead for sure right in front of you

here, lawyer. Oh, God. Can I leave here? Can I get out of the penalty box? Let him out. All right, you can get out. Sure, go ahead. This was really, really the worst this could have gone for me. I didn't get my shower. I watched two men die.

Let me ask you

this. Yeah.

Are you sure your parents aren't the devil? Because it seems a lot like you're cursed. Think about it. Think hard and long to early childhood memories. What's the first memory you have of your dad or mom?

I guess standing inside like a star over a goat. Yeah. Sounds

like the devil to me.

I think making dinner and drinking its blood. Oh, okay. So, great. See? And what city are you from? Santa Fe. Oh, okay. I thought you were going to maybe say Nazareth.

All right. Okay. So, I think you're the devil's spawn. And you killed both of these people.

I have been the least devilish of everybody here.

You just said the last thing you remember is standing inside of a star and a goat and being sacrificed for your first

dinner. You skipped your shower, asshole. Devil -y.

Devil -y. Devil -ish. I

didn't say. Devil -ish to not hear 421. Devil -ish. What were you doing at 420? That's my question. Put him in the microwave. Get him in the mic.

Get him. Get off of me. Get him. Get off of me. Get him. No, the big mic. The big mic. Don't put him in there. You're not going to fit in that one.

All

right. Get the big mic.

Go in there.

You guys called for me?

Yeah. Big mic. Stuff this man in the small microwave.

Get these guys. Somebody help.

Help. Help. Help. Help.

Help. Help. Help. Help. Help. Help. Help. We're going to hit start unless. Put me on big potato out there.

Who's got the side? Who's got the sour cream? I

got fixions. Fix

it. I got fixions. Oh.

Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, It

doesn't smell

good yet. But it

will.

Are you still alive in there or are you dead for sure?

Why should

I

help? Can you even feel it? It's always, I always wondered, can you feel the microwave

in the microwave? Yes, it's boiling me from the inside. Oh, some of your fillings,

they're sparking up in the back of your mouth.

Ow! I am freezing on the outside, but I'm so hot in my tummy.

We're boiling his guts.

We're going

to go

Oh, look at his hair.

All right, let's split his hair.

Yeah, we'll split his hair because it looks the crunchiest. It looks like little bacon. Let's split the hair. I don't want to split hairs

here.

Okay,

funny, Gorner. That's pretty

funny, Gorner. God, these plastic utensils don't work that good.

Can we get some cutlery? What's the number on the cutlery? Are we almost in line for the cutlery?

Cutlery

for number 17. Yes! Yes! Yes! I'm so glad we put that in at breakfast. Woo! Hello, hi. You called my cutlery number? Here you go. Here's your fork. Thank you. And there's your knife.

Thank you. You got a soup spoon here.

Hurry, hurry, hurry. He's cooling off. Hurry, hurry, hurry. We cooked that man like a baked potato and we're eating

it. Oh, I'm

sorry. Here you go. There's your ladle and there's also you have two plates.

A

ladle?

the

Oh, you didn't

put a steak knife on your order. I didn't say a whole housewares set. I wanted cutlery. Now I'm like, I got five, ten things I got to carry back over to the baked potato.

I'm not going to cut chives with a steak knife, sir. Okay.

Excuse me, fellas. Have you seen the chiropractor? I think you over -adjusted me. I'm not going to cut you over