The Sinkhole

Mankind is defined by hubris. Hurling down our freeways and highways in big tins of metal like we're gonna live forever. Laughing in the face of God. As if we have some sort of control over this crazy world. But sometimes, well God, she laughs back.

Is everybody okay? Yeah,

yeah. Oh yeah, I'm doing good. Whoa.

You're really good.

The sinkhole is back open.

We're kicking back. Yeah, dude,

this is awesome. We've been waiting on this. Yeah?

waiting on this. It scared the crap out of me. I know I'm like new to town, but like that, I didn't realize

We've been

it. You ever have tremors?

The movie? The worm's coming. The worm is coming,

my man. The worm's coming,

baby. We're psyched. The worm is on the way. We are excited. This is good news, you guys.

Yeah. This is good news. I don't know. It's scary. What were you getting gas and you saw it?

Yeah, I was over there. I was over there getting gas and I got like three quarters of a tank and then I just heard a big noise and I looked over and all these trees fell into the ground.

Is this, the address here is 1438? Right where this is? Yeah, well it was. I'm here and it's where like a romantics boutique used to be. Yes.

I mean, it's. Well,

I'm here for the sinkhole.

It's pronounced romantiques. Romantiques. Oh yeah, yeah. I've never said it out loud. I've never wanted to or had to. So

hold on, sir. I'm here for the sinkhole.

Okay,

well I feel like you would have, like us, sinkhole merch on and not a woman's legs in front of a 20 inch wheel on your shirt. That's a dirty, sort of a garage poster.

I heard about the sinkhole and I just threw on what was nearest to me and I ran over.

What was romantiques? I don't know what that is.

Yeah, me either. I think. Yeah, I don't know

what it is. Like a boutique with both like sex toys and romantic videos.

If I remember correctly, like a good collection of Skittles and Abba Zabba on the way out. What a

collection. You mean for sale?

Well, no, they're collected.

You know, it's just a nice build up of stuff. Right. You know, different outfits you can wear, different sexual toys, I think. But I don't really know. I'm just happy it's gone and we can all look at the sinkhole together. Yeah.

Those chairs look comfortable. Thank you. Thank you. Top of the line. Have you

guys just been sitting out here waiting for this to happen? Did you know it was going to happen? Well, we got wind that the hole was moving and the hole was going to pop up somewhere else in this general area. And we do seismic soil samples

for weak spots. And we knew this was a hot spot. And somehow this indicates that the worm

is coming? Well, I've also been doing the worm dance. I've been tapping on the ground at the right frequency to let him know that it's generous over here.

Yeah. We're conjuring. He's been conjuring up the worm. He's kind of one with the worm. Yeah. And we have never seen the worm other than in this movie. Yeah. We're pretty sure that's what's going on. Right. Yes. It has nothing to do with like sort of underground water reserves kind of being used and leaving caverns. No, it's a worm that roams the earth, you know,

a couple meters under the surface. I'm just glad everybody's okay. It

was really scary from over there. And he's different than the movie,

we think. Because in the movie, you can't talk or the worm will shoot over to you and eat you if you make any noise.

It kind of

echolocates. Our worm is chill.

Our worm is chill and like kind of comes and goes. He pray to the worm. He grants your

wishes. Oh, yeah, the worms are gone. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I remember you guys from the city council meeting because they were trying to use more ground water. And, you know, some people had issues with the water table lowering. But your issue was the worm was going to get thirsty.

Exactly. And the worm can only turn so much wine into water. So the worm is kind of opposite Jesus

in terms of miracles. So that's why you've been

dumping

water or dumping wine into the ground. Josh into the ground.

That Cabernet. Yes. We get a lot of boxed wine and we dump it into the ground for the

worm. To make water for the city.

And he makes us loaves. And fish.

Yeah. I think.

We think.

We think. We think. I know all this as a fan of sinkholes and worms. That's why I'm here. You,

sir. What's that?

you talking about vaginas and penises

Were

there? Sinkholes and worms?

Because your thing.

Because your thing is that. I somehow can't get away from the romantic stuff. I didn't mean it that way. But I guess.

I was reading into it. I was reading into it. No. Subconsciously it might have come out.

Maybe

Yeah. I don't know. I'm wondering what this gentleman in his souped up cabriolet. Where were you at? Beautiful car, by the way. Pulling

up

right here to the hole.

Dang. It looks like

you put 60 grand into a 20 grand car. Yeah. I fixed it up. You know. Because I accrued it over time. You know. You buy the base. And then over time. When you

have a little extra money in space. A lot of extra cheap chrome

trim. The running boards. I changed those to

chrome. There's chrome around every light.

Yeah. Yeah. I actually chromed out the tires. Not the wheels.

The tires. No, no, no. We see. It's chipping off. Yeah. I don't know that they're chromed out.

Yes. The

chrome is out. They were chromed at one

point.

Yeah. The chrome is out in

a few places. Back windshield's chrome now. And it appears from looking down at your fingernails and hands that you chrome it yourself. I try. I try. I've had

somebody help me out.

Yeah.

Working with

hot liquid metal.

And I just, this is, I don't know. It just seems obvious, like an obvious question. Did you chrome your hair?

Now

let's spend five to ten on this car.

Let's spend five to ten on this

man in car. Well, it just looks like you, at first I thought you had sort of the Cisco bleach look.

But I'm like, no, that's lighter than bleach. No. Have you dipped

your head into liquid hot boiling?

Well, it

started as an accident and I decided to

go all the way. It started as an accident.

Yeah. I kind of splashed a little bit of metal into my head and I had sort of a streak on the right side and I said, you know, why go half hog when you could go whole hog?

not touching that.

I'm

What are you talking about? Penises and vaginas over there? Are you talking about?

It's where my brain's going, but I don't know why. But

yeah, my hair is now chrome.

Yeah. You got the under lights, the cool lights

that seem to be going with the music. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. With the bass hits, you get a little neon. I had to get a special set of cables that sort of are optical or like

a fiber optic cable. And when you say special, do you mean cheap

and run on the exterior of the car? Yeah. You'll see it kind of looks like I

ran over a big crate of spaghetti. Yeah, because there isn't a marinara -esque substance. Is that like a lube to keep the

electrical current clean? Yeah,

the red lube was a lot cheaper than the... Seems to be you're losing a lot of amperage too because there's a lot of batteries

kind of taped onto the back. Yeah, you don't need extra amperage. Yeah, the back of the car

kind of looks like a pine cone. It's just covered in batteries. And was there an issue with license plate availability? Because I think you were going for Chrome Dome, but it looks like Crumb Dome to me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, the... I...

Wait,

wait. You have a lot of crumbs in the car. Why did you put D

-U -M -B? Why did you change Dome to D -U -M -B? Because it's... When you say it out loud, it sounds pretty close to Dome. So would you like us to call you Crumb Dome or Crumb Dome?

Because clearly this persona is you.

Well, I would prefer if you called me Crumb Dome, but I'm comfortable with Crumb Dome as

well. And I'm seeing that you've spilled a lot of Dr. Peppers in your car and instead of... Diet. Sorry. Very good.

And instead of cleaning that up and maybe getting a refill, you just get a new diet Dr. Pepper and put it in the cup and keep spilling them?

That's confusing. There's a lot of spilt Dr. Peppers.

The goal

isn't to spill them.

Can I give you a compliment? I'd love it. Oh, okay. I can't tell where your car ends and you begin. Thank you. You look just like the car in a way that I've never seen. Thank you

so

much.

That's kind of been... People... I've actually been on Ripley's Believe It or Not because for this exact reason. Really? Because they thought I am becoming my car. My car is becoming me. That was the whole point of the segment.

And you were on Pimp My Ride too, right? Didn't I see

you on Pimp My Ride? And they pimped me. They pimped me. I remember that because Dean Cain accidentally drove you off of Ripley's Believe It or Not and drove you in to Pimp My Ride. Yep. And Dean Cain asked the exhibit to pimp you. Yeah.

Which of course explains the subwoofers on your ass. Fat ass though. Yeah. And would you...

Yeah.

Nice fat ass. Those are big 12.

Those are Alpines,

Yeah.

right?

Yeah. You might have

been pinched your tweeters.

Normal, normal.

out

of the dice.

Let's get

Yeah. There's also actually a fish tank. Roll out.

Talk about twin blog parties.

What did you think when Dean Cain had exhibit? Make it so that when people pinch your ass, it plays Roll Out by Ludacris. What did you think about that?

I thought it was going to be disruptive, but it's ended up being pretty interesting. Yeah. It's a fun conversation with new

people.

honestly, I seem to have made new friends in moments.

I mean,

Oh, yeah. You're my friend now. Yeah. We love

you. We love you. We're obsessed with you.

In fact, we're not moving on. We're not moving on. You know what? I'm kind of happy. The only thing that's tough about me and you is

I'm starting to question my allegiance to the worm.

I don't even care about the worm anymore.

I used to believe in him. I thought I was tapping my toe to get the worm to come, but I think this is just a natural geological thing. And now I worship Cabriolet. If anything,

we have met our new

God.

It's crumbed up.

And we're here to bow at your feet.

Have you ever seen someone with a metal head like that? I never have.

No. It's

gorgeous. And it's bright.

It's

beautiful.

Beautiful, man.

Wow.

Wow. Well, what is your

gospel, Crumbum? If you were going to write a book of the Bible right now, what is it? The book of Crumbum?

Of course. I believe it. I believe it. All right.

All right. And it would be all about, you know, sort of giving in to every impulse immediately, doing whatever feels right at any

moment. Yes. Never questioning your feelings. Uh

-huh. Always just riding the waves of your sort of obsessive

impulses. It's

morbid up.

Crumb

Crumb Crumb Crumb

Crumb Crumb

Crumb Cr Cr Cr Cr Cr Cr Cr Cr Cr Cr

Cr Cr Cr Cr Cr Cr Cr Cr Double love, double love. God, I feel like I'm

back in church. Oh,

no. The worm. The worm is real. The worm is real. It's got him.

I'm going to drink the worm. It's got him.

Wait,

wait. Listen

to

the worm. What's he saying? What's he saying? Hello?

Worm. Worm. You are no match for crumbdom.

Meet your, you're the devil now,

worm. And this is God. And this is a revelation -esque battle between the two.

Get him, crumbdom.

What

are we going to do? You got to dip the

worm. Crumbdom, save our pervert friend.

I'm

reporting live from, I think, where the Romantiques

used to be.

Where an epic, godly battle is going down between crumbdom and the worm. Even

the newscaster is looking for Romantiques.

The newscaster is wearing a pretty vulgar hustler shirt. Jesus.

It is a POV close

on the newscaster's tie and shirt. I got a tip about this. I was not on my way to anywhere and came across it.

-up

I got a tip about crumbdom

fighting

the worm. Blah, blah, blah.

Get him,

crumbdom. Crumbdom. Look, I opened my trunk. I've got

a

chroming kit in my trunk. Oh, chrome the worm. Chrome the worm.

Whoa. Crumbdom is chroming the worm. He's definitely burning his fingers.

Use the little metal

to pour the

pail

chrome. I will not.

Oh,

crumbdom.

Crumbdom,

it's working, crumbdom.

The worm is dying.

You're sending the worm to hell. You're banishing the worm to

hell. Yes. Yes. Thank you. Hello, boys. It's me, Beelzebub. I am still here live. Beelzebub has just popped out of the

hole. Wait, wait.

Are you the worm and now Beelzebub, or the worm went to your house and you came here? The worm opened the door and I walked right out

onto earth. Wow.

Through the sinkhole.

What are

you here for? What are you looking for, Beelzebub? Honestly, I want to dip my twelves. Okay, good. I got a weak little tersel and I want to pimp it out. You heard that right.

Beelzebub has arrived to pimp out his pretty cheap car that does not get made anymore. Beelzebub, crumbdom. Hi. Hi. Wait.

What are you, a porno enthusiast? Hopefully the news is blurring out

his shirt. Sorry. I am getting a nod

from the cameraman saying it is being blurred.

You don't know that. Oh, I thought the nod was that he is a porno enthusiast. This is Beelzebub, crumbdom. Now that the doorway to hell has been opened, will there be an uneasy truce between heaven and earth if crumbdom can tweak out Beelzebub's tersel? Please

tweak out the tersel so we can call peace on earth.

Well, crumbdom. Give me the pink slip.

Give me a handshake.

Okay.

Beelzebub, don't trade the pink slip. You're

getting hosed here. That's you giving your car up. Be careful.

the handshake. It feels about being

Okay. Well, I thought

helped out by this hole enthusiast over here.

Wait, wait. I'm talking to you. No, I'm not the man who got sucked into the hole. He is a hole enthusiast. Or, sure, never mind. We never learned if that was

for sure true or not.

Oh, the hole just burped out his dirty t -shirt. And the reporter's putting it on his head.

No, reporter, no. This is Max Erickson live, wearing my favorite outfit I've ever worn.