Ribbon-Cutting Ceremony

When you're out on the road, you don't have much time for a partner or a family, kids. But hell, you can always adopt your local highway. Sure, it'll make your real son jealous, but I'll tell you what the highway doesn't do. Ask for money. Need a hug. Make you feel bad for all the wiener schnitzel you eat. Sorry, Jeremy. I got a real son now. Mile 37.

Well, thank you all for coming out to the ribbon cutting. This is for the Lodge 46 Elks Club. We have sponsored this mile of highway. And we're ready to make this section of the highway pristine. And I'm just so happy to see so many faces out here and so many wonderful people. Thank you.

Thank you, Bill.

Thank you, Bill. And I would just like to. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Bill. Bill. Bill.

Bill. Bill Nye the science guy. Yes. Bill. Science rules.

Yeah. Congratulations, Bill. And thank you so much for leading our Elks journey on to the freeway. Yeah. You're

the first best Bill Nye the science guy to us. Yeah. There's no one more famous than you. You were the original. I didn't need a TV show. I like science. All right. I'm not the TV show guy.

But that's neither

here nor there. This is about the highway. I think your live presentations at the club are better than any

televised thing could be. Everybody wants to see the tornado in two two liter bottles.

Thank you. What about my science based parody songs? A little better than his, too. I just don't have to make music videos about them.

And nobody else looks as good in a white lab coat, Bill. Nobody. No. I love period dick table. It's dirty and informative. Science can be dirty. It doesn't have to be for kids.

All right. All right. All right. Bill.

Thank

you.

Thank you. Thank you. All right.

Whoa, Bill. Bill. Bill.

Amazing trick. Amazing trick, Bill. Wow. My hair is not going to come down for a week. Bill, what was that?

That was the

electricity handshake. I've been zapped. You've been zapped. That's just a few science things happening all at once. But this isn't about science. I want to let Arnold say his piece.

Thank you, Bill. I've been trying for a minute. All

right. Thank you, guys. And thank you to all of the Elks who have come out today to sponsor this freeway.

That's right. That's right. Now, I know we all take this freeway on our commute to the Elks Club. That's why it is so important to us. And we want to make sure that this is not only the safest, but the cleanest one -mile stretch of the dirtiest freeway on the West Coast. Now, before we leave today, all of us Elks have promised to pick up 31 pieces of trash. Not going to be hard. Dirtiest freeway on the

West Coast. It was a tough negotiation, but we landed at 31, and I feel good about

that. Me, too. Me, too. So, I will start us off with the first inaugural trash pick by picking up this. Well, I guess I'll start with this needle. Good.

And Brian Matthews is on the clock for the next pick.

And, of course, we're running this like a draft because we all agreed. Brian got the needle that we were all. You got the needle we all wanted, and now

Brian's up. Brian's up.

Let's see who he's going to go for.

And with the second pick of the highway garbage draft.

What is it going to be, Brian?

I pick half a Burger King rapper.

Dang.

Fuck.

All

right.

Thank you. Devin is definitely reeling after that one. He really needed that half a Burger King rapper to finish his trash compilation. And Devin is on the clock for the third pick in the highway garbage draft.

We here at Devin's house, three boys, two girls, and a new stepmom would like.

he

That's how

considers her?

Because his parents got divorced and remarried, right? So, it is his mom, but I guess technically it is his stepmom.

I'm living with my stepmom, and I'm divorced, and I have two girls and three boys. Wait, he's divorced? He's living with his stepmom. Oh, I see. My father. We here at Devin's house. My father got a divorce, remarried, which was my stepmom. They're not getting along right now, but they don't want to fully separate, so she's living with me, and I have three sons and two daughters. We feel for

you, Devin.

Thank you. It's so nice of you to take in your stepmom like that. Thank

you. Go ahead and pick that trash, Devin. Okay.

We are picking... Oh, shit. Dirty Dime. Damn. Dirty Dime. He panicked. He panicked.

Wait, can we go back? Can we go back? I didn't want Dirty Dime.

I just panicked. That's a panic pick. No.

His five kids are not going to be happy with that. Dad, what the fuck?

What the fuck? This is the fifth year in a row that

Kevin has accidentally picked Dirty type. I hate your dad and you, Devin. Oh,

shit.

With the next pick in the draft, Bill Nye, the original science guy.

Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill Nye, the science guy. Science rules. Science rules.

Oh. Bill, are you okay? It's okay. My eyebrows still

on. No. Fuck. Okay. The replacement eyebrows you had glued on because you lost your original ones last week have been blown off. Okay. Okay. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Car, car, car,

car.

Car.

Oh, no, Bill. Oh.

Oh, no. Bill is now a piece of trash.

Oh, my God. You can tell he is dead

for

sure. Wait. Check and see if he's dead for sure.

Oh.

I'm not feeling a pulse. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Are we sure?

Because he knows more about science than anything.

Yeah. Does anybody have a battery?

I'm sorry. I'm the one that hit him. Should

I call an ambulance or is he dead for sure?

I think he's dead for sure,

man. Are you a doctor?

What's that? Are you a doctor?

Yes. Dr. Phil. The second one. I don't need to be on TV to do therapy for families. And it's Dr.

F -E -E -L, right, Dr. Phil?

Yeah. Not Dr. Phil Good. Just Dr.

Phil.

Can you save Bill Nye, the science guy? And don't do what you're not.

Then why did you pipe up? Because I hit the guy.

Why did you go so fast? I know we are right on the edge of the highway, but you were speeding, Dr. Phil. Because

the hot sign is on at Krispy Kreme for 10 more minutes. I had to

there and get

the hot Krispy Kreme. That's right. They added a countdown to the hot sign, and now you know when it's ending. And now the accidents are way up in town. That's also why the freeway has gotten so dirty. People don't have

get

time to take care of

their business. Kids throw their trash in the trash can. They got to get to Krispy Kreme.

Shit, Dr. Phil.

Bring Bill Nye back to life, please. Elks, Elks. I think it's time to say goodbye to Bill. We need to move forward with the highway adoption.

The best thing to do as a family therapist is to move on immediately. You don't need to process this. You're fine. Thank

you, Bill. I mean, Bill. Bill, Bill. B -E -E -L -F -E -E -L. To the rescue.

I got to go. Six minutes.

All right.

Go get your donuts, Dr.

Just do a eulogy for us. Me? I don't know. Do a eulogy on Zoom or something as you go.

Phil.

on the eulogy for us. I'm sending a link to y 'all right now. I'm going to get the car. Okay, I got it.

Zoom

I got it. Wait. It's the cheapest version of Zoom. I only get 30 seconds. All right, Bill, feel. Bill, feel. All right. This

is Bill, feel. We piped you into the speakers. Can everybody see it? Can

everybody see it? Yes. Hold on. Scoot on yourself. Am I on? Err, err, err, err, err. All right. I just got the warning that there's only 12 seconds left here.

Uh -huh. Can you send a new link for the next one

now

that we're close? At least get his name out. Just get his name out. And then you can make it to Crispy. All right. Well, we stand here warning. It's gone. Hey, let's hope he got to Crispy Cream.

Oh, God. His car exploded. Oh, my God. The Crispy Cream. The

Crispy Cream has gone up in

smoke.

No.

Look at the clock. No, Elks.

Elks, no. The

Crispy Cream is inflamed. No. No.

Now that is a Crispy Cream.

Crispy Cream. Who said that? The lady from the TikTok. Wait, it stands the lady. Was it Crispy? The one. Was it Crispy?

She's married to one of the Elks, right? Oh, yeah. Was it Crispy? Was it Crispy? Now that was a Crispy Cream.

Oh, my God. I can't believe Was It Crispy is here.

Let's talk

her. Go up, honey. Go up.

to

It's all right. Was it Crispy? Say something. Hi. Oh, hey. Hi, Elks. Hi. I have a question for you. Have you ever had a Crispy Cream? She's doing it. She's doing it. Yeah. Yes. Oh. And was it Crispy?

Uh, yeah.

I guess, kind of. Yeah. Yeah.

Woo! She did it. She did the hit. Woo! Do you do other ones? Elks, Elks, Elks.

Have you ever seen a Crispy Cream explode?

Well, we just did. What just happened? And

was it Crispy?

Now it is. Now it is. Yeah.

Yeah! Yeah!

Elks, Elks, Elks. Yes.

Yes. Have you ever seen my husband?

Uh, I

guess. Yeah, we know him. Yeah. He's back there. Howard? I'm in the Elks with you all. Hi.

And. How'd you pull that name so quick? Howard.

Your name tag. And is he Crispy? Oh, yeah. My husband, is he

Crispy? No, he's like a man. He's just going. No,

look at his haircut. Look at his haircut.

Oh, his hair looks a little gelled.

Yeah. Yeah.

I don't know if I like her routine.

is

What

wrong with you? Is

it Crispy?

It's just so reliant on the

source.

Yeah. This is the first ever TikTok famous person

who just does the same thing over and over again when

she gets popular. Did you reverse engineer? Did you like get things crispy

around you? I'm looking through all her videos. Yeah. Yeah.

They're all. There was a crispy thing. It just only works with crispy cream.

Yeah.

that wasn't her first.

So

No.

No. No.

How long have you been doing this routine? Yeah. Let me play one

from 2021. Okay.

So have you ever had a piece of toast? Yeah. You've had a piece of bread too, right? Yeah. Oh. And the toast was, was the toast crispy? Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, my God. Wait.

Look in the background. Look in the background.

views.

Five

Look in the background. It looks like, was it Crispy? Like is hanging out in Vegas and had an act in the fifties. Is that true? Miss Crispy. How can you talk in

background?

the

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I used to hang with the Rat Pack.

Oh, what, what was your routine? Like you would, you used to do Vegas, old Vegas rooms? Oh yeah. I used to work at the, um, Stardust. Wow. What, what,

what do you want to know about my routine?

Yeah. Do you have it on your thinker? Do you think it was loose or do you think it was crispy?

Does crispy mean

tight?

Yeah.

Yeah.

What?

Yeah. Okay. We'll play the. Wait, here's an old video. It's a roast of Don

Rickles.

Oh, okay. Okay. A roast of Don Rickles? Play it. Play it. Holy shit. Have you ever seen

Don Rickles' penis? No.

Was it crispy?

Yeah.

Who was

that? Yeah.

I think

Sinatra. Who was that?

Shut up, Frank. Frank, you

had your shot every night, Frank. I ain't seen that shit.

I have never seen his penis. I don't look at penises. I'm Frank to the S, baby. Frank

to the S. I'm going to let this go. This is really interesting. I'm really at a

play.

What do you got for us? And then on TikTok, I'm going to just go to YouTube and watch the rest of this video. Yeah.

Let's watch all of it in its entirety. Start at the beginning.

Thank you, Frank. Ladies and gentlemen. Oh, whoops. Oh, thank you very much. Welcome to the Friars Club Roast. All roasters tonight. Sammy Davis Jr. Hello, babe. Rich Little. Hello, babe. Margaret Crispy. Hello,

babe. Yep.

Hi, Sinatra. Hi, babe.

Patrick the Frog.

Hello, babe.

Richard Nixon.

Hello, babe.

Daryl Hammond. Hello, babe. The Cookie

Crisp

Dog.

Hello,

nurse. Pause the video. Wait. Okay. Wait, the Cookie Crisp Dog is there?

Holy shit. I didn't know they had cartoons back in those days

that were locked. I think he was going to say the Cookie Crisp thing, but Daryl Hammond kind of said, hello, babe, in the tone of Cookie Crisp. So on the spot, he said, hello, nurse. He panicked. Wow.

That's an amazing piece of history.

It really is. It really is.

Well, Elks, I've learned

a lot.

We've picked up three pieces of trash

on the dirtiest highway in the country. And I think we have, what, 2 ,000 more pieces to go? Yeah. I guess it's 31 each. Let's keep the draft going. And out of

the way. We're going to the Krispy Kreme. Out of the way.

We all were hit. A

turkey.

I got to get out and see how they're doing. Hey.

Who hit us? Hello. It was me. It was me. Sorry. I'm a

firefighter. It was

a nurse. Hello, nurse.

This guy said the Cookie Crisp Dog sketch phrase. This lady said her TikTok sketch phrase. Oh, my God. Their last words. Here. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. We were

just trying to save the Krispy Kreme. It's okay.

Thank you. The Krispy Kreme

exploded. It's gone. It looks like the Manhattan Project. An atom bomb went off in the desert. But it was a Krispy Kreme. Yeah.

It was, lady.

Yeah.

Thank you for respecting me. Thank you. Thank you for respecting our last words. No problem. It reminds me a lot of Oppenheimer.

Okay. Okay. I got to

go. The first atom bomb. He created one of the first atom bomb.

Do you have anything to say about your own

lives or anything? Thank you for respecting me. Yes. I'm thinking about Fat Boy and Little Man.

The Paul Newman

movie? No. The two bombs that were dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

Oh. I didn't know that's what they

were called. Yeah. They were fat.

Crime. It was a crime.

I agree. I agree.

That's fucked up.

It's unbelievable. I agree. I agree.

What

were we

thinking? I agree.

How

do we even live in this country?

end of life realization for the Krispy Kreme lady and this Elks guy.

What an

Oh, it's Devin. Devin, oh, I didn't realize that was you.

Yeah, it's me. I'm so sorry about divorcing your stepmom. Thank you for taking her in. You're getting divorced? I thought you were just on the wrong. I have to live with her forever?

No, no. Because you're

dying, I think.

No.

Your kids are going to be raised by their step, Grandma. No.

No. I cannot let that happen. Cut me. He's going to go.

He's

to go. Go home. Oh,

going

God.

What happened there? He hit by a motorcycle. Oh, no. Fuck you. Who was that? Who

am I? Who am I?

Who am I? I'm new. Oh, no.