Little League Awards

The solid sense of self is nice, but you know what's nicer? The approval of our peers and betters. If you're like me, nothing beats a good old-fashioned trophy. Now you may be thinking, what's a world-weary rambler like you gonna do with trophy? And I'll tell you what, when I sit back and look at my awards: 'World's greatest rider', 'Fastest gun in the West', 'America's sexiest horse'

All right, all right. Welcome, welcome, and congrats to the Braves. You guys had an awesome season. We're so

proud of every one of you guys. Yeah, clap it up.

Clap it up. Kids, we are all so proud of you. And I want to take this opportunity, of course, to also thank the parents. Your parents put a lot of hard work in to get you guys out to every practice, every game, buying your equipment. So let's just give a hand for everybody here today, huh?

Thank you. Appreciate

it. Dale, looks like you're not super pleased there in the back. You know what? Let's just go ahead and get into the ceremony, okay?

Yeah.

All right. So the first trophy I got here is for biggest bat. Of course, we all had a lot of big hitters on the team. I'm proud of everybody for swinging for the fences

against the good advice.

But this one, the big bat goes to Bradley.

Bradley, come on up. Thank you so much, Coach.

There you go, Brad. Thank you so much. 142 home runs in a nine -game season. Freaking awesome. I'm better than Mark McGuire. You guys are going to see me on the Big Diamond

sometime really soon.

Dale. Don't play them all. Dale,

come on, man. Mr. Dale. We said there was a limit because the speeches got really long last time. I'm just trying

to be helpful. Dale, this was the first acceptance speech, okay? Just a little early to come in.

Okay. I also noticed you didn't clap for anybody at the beginning.

So I clap

Dale, despite having 142 home runs this season, you sent everyone home. So we had a record number of outs at home plate.

Yeah, it did seem like your third base coaching was out of spite this year, and we didn't love that. It's a kid's game. Let's remember that.

My son would have made it through if I waved him. My son would have made it home if I waved him through.

Your son has been called out every time at home plate that he's ever been sent. I just have to say it.

I'll have to see the statistics. Keep going.

All right, well, let's – Thank you. Thank you for the award, coach. It was a really fun season. I appreciate it. Good for you, Bradley. One more time for Bradley, everybody. Yeah. All right. Next award we have, of course, is the Golden Glove. This one goes to our best outfielder, the guy who we could depend on to catch everything that was in the air. And yet we had a few problems with focus out in the outfield, but we have to give this award anyway. So we're going to give this one to our left fielder, Thomas. Huh? What did you say? Thomas, we're giving you the Golden Glove Award for best outfielder.

Really? Yes. Thomas, put those flowers down. What are you doing? Look

at these. Look at these.

Very

good,

Thomas. Look at

these. Very good.

Awesome. Golden Glove.

Yeah, Golden

Glove. Nice.

Nice.

Thank

you. Thomas, go up there.

And first nomination for an award.

Why do we have the – I thought we were going to cut the VO. Like nobody wants the VO after somebody wins like the Golden Globes.

I just thought it would be more professional. You know, last year we had some complaints that the ceremony wasn't that fun. It was just

in a Taco Bell parking lot and it was a little bit haphazard.

So this year we really wanted to go for it. And look, I'm just really trying to get some use out of this PA equipment since I got it for the kids' parties. So I appreciate you letting me set it up here. Thank you, Clarence. We appreciate it.

Thank you, Clarence. And thanks for showing up and offering karaoke at every gathering

that's ever happened at the same time. Anytime. If you guys need a firework, I got you. Here you

go, Coach. Here's the flowers.

Thank you. There's the flowers. Thank you

so much.

What

did you say a minute ago?

You're winning the Golden Glove. Look!

Grass! Bye! No, that's carpet. That's carpet. Ow! My knees.

All right. Let's give it up for them. All right. Best outfielder. There we go. There we go. Now, this next award, this award is not coming from me. I did not

agree with this award.

Forced award. So one of the team moms is going to come up and give this one, okay? I'll step aside, relinquish my duties. Hi, everybody. I'm Shanice. You all know me. And this award, I thought we needed. I thought we were being a little too focused on, like, tangible sports stuff and not on some other things that I think are really important. So this is for cutest butt in white pants.

Shanice.

Shanice, thank you for editing the title to cutest butt. Shanice, this

best go

to an adult. One of the kids'

parents. Okay?

Yeah. Of the kids' parents, there's only two of them that wear white pants.

And one of them's big and plump out. And the other one has a big brown stain on their white pants. So two people wear white pants. One of them has a nice big plump butt. And the

other one shits their pants. Hey, hey,

language.

Language. Sorry. The big brown mystery stain.

There is a question mark quickly written on the brown spot to prove its mystery. We've turned it into a game. We've turned it into a game.

I'm right here. Please stop

talking about my pants. People are calling you the shittler. People are calling you the shittler because you have a big

mark. I am aware of what people call me. Well,

question

hey,

maybe. I know

I didn't get it. I highly

doubt it. It's probably plump white pants. Please stop calling me plump white

pants.

Sorry, sorry. What was your name again? Gel. Gel.

Yes, it's Gel. Gel.

Okay. Okay. Well. Okay, Shanice.

Shanice has better go to an

adult. I'm a

little self -conscious. Shanice. Change it. Change it right now on the fly to Gel. Here's

a

pen. Here's a pen, Shanice.

Don't write a question

mark on it. No, don't you write another question mark on your pants. Because honestly, I think the question's been solved.

Because of the smell. Okay, Shanice. Okay, well. Scratching out a big name.

All right. A big name.

The

winner. Shanice, why don't you just sit down? For cue to say. Shanice.

Why don't you just have a seat, Shanice?

What you were doing we thought was admirable. But this is not what you bitched

us. I don't know if

you've come back for this, Shanice. Yeah, because let's be clear. You're also not a mom.

You're

new to town. This is one of your first time speakers.

And you're not a confident public speaker. Shanice. Shanice. I just

think if you hear who it is, you'll understand the sweetness of the

award. Okay.

Okay. We agreed to that pretty

quickly.

Okay. The winner of cutest little butt in white

pants. Oh, no.

Little.

Oh, no.

So the camera on Shell shows him kind of nodding disappointedly. Shell.

Shell's pissed. Damn it. Because my butt's huge.

Shell. Look, you know what? Note taken. Maybe I'll be up for a later award anyway. So we'll just scrap this one. I'm going to just throw it in the trash and

tie it up and throw it out. Thank you, Shanice. Smart. Way to read the room. Way to read the room. Okay. So this next award we have is for biggest stinker. Now, this

is a kid who we love, of course, sort of the class clown of the team. Yep.

You know, is it hard to focus when they're around?

Yes. So there's no chance this is about my pants?

Maybe you can change

it on the

Yeah.

Don't change it. There is a co -won award.

Oh, a duo. Of course, Garrett, the little whippersnapper, and also Big Daddy Poop with the poop pants. Did you just give it to Garrett? You don't have to also give it to

Big Daddy Poop. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Get

out of the way. Excuse me. Don't push Garrett. Why are you accepting it if you're claiming that's not poop on your pants?

Well, I didn't

realize it was an award -worthy issue here. You're changing the question

mark to an

exclamation point? Why do you think I have to be such a funny little rascal? Look at who my dad is. I am trying all I can to own the

comedy of my life. We're sorry, Garrett. But hey, thanks for keeping us laughing.

Yeah, no problem. Do you want to hear his award? I will say he was heavily inspired by Brendan Fraser's The Whale Accepted Speech. Yeah, let's do an acceptance speech. Uh -oh.

Uh -oh. Okay, Big Stinker, go ahead. And just so everybody knows, this speech is inspired by that, but I've only heard about it. That's enough. You

know.

Yeah, let's just say Dad was at the laundry during the Oscars.

You guys have machines in home, right?

My mom won't let him use them anymore.

I'm very happy to be here.

Oh, because of the stinker. Yeah, the stink.

It's ruining it.

You can't just put a turd in the dryer.

Absolutely.

That's what my mom says, too.

I have a lot of people to thank for this award. The captain of the ship.

You're nailing it.

Hey, hang on a second. Oh, come on. Let him do a couple more metaphors.

Okay, here we go. The prince to my king. Of course, my son. Stay nautical. And, of course, the mast of the ship, the local youth baseball association. And everybody involved in sort of allowing this season to happen. And the sponsors. Okay. Who is that? Is that Robert from Robert's Tire?

Yeah, hell yeah. I rolled up here, didn't I? Did you see me? Yeah.

Robert, we do appreciate you sponsoring the team this year, okay? But it's not that. You spent like 200 bucks.

like the team owner. You just sort of sponsor. It was really hard for us to even explain your sponsorship. Because you don't sell tires. You ride around town on one big

You're not

tire. Which is impressive. Which is impressive. I could either be inside of it rolling or doing a log roll on top of

it. It's impressive, Robert. And

I paid for the jerseys.

But it is not a business.

It is not a business. It can be and should be and will be.

Okay. What are you? You're just taking donations for making people happy?

Yes. Well, you know what? You're more of a street performer. Here's two dollars, Robert. Thank you. And I will give that right to the Little League Association.

This is Robert's Tire's first sale.

No, it's not. No, it's not. People like what I do.

Hey, Robert. Is everything okay? I was noticing the tread on your tire is a little bit low. Are you going to be okay to get home and everything?

Yeah. No, I'm fine. I'm fine. There's a little bit of water on the road.

Well, I mean, it was like a big monster truck tire, but the grooves are completely gone. It just looks like a giant slick. I'll be fine. Okay. And it's

raining hard. It's a little bit of water on the road. It's the first rain in months. It's going to be oily.

It's

fine.

I will be fine. I know it's a big slick monster truck tire, but I will be fine. Okay. Okay. I'm just going down curvy road lane.

I know that's the fastest, curviest road we have. Speed limit's 200. The limit. The limit.

The limit. Most people can't. I'll be

fine.

Okay. Okay.

Anyway, sorry to interrupt.

Well, let's just keep the award ceremony going,

huh? That was Big Daddy Speaker's

third

nomination and first win.

Now, we do have several more trophies to go, but I did just want to check. Does anybody want to take a little break and hit the pizza buffet? All 15 to 20 of us just run towards

the

buffet, grab what we can, all the dressings, everything, cornichons, does that sound good?

All the dressings are there. Pickles.

Okay, good.

Tiny corn.

Should we form a line? Nah. No, just run at it. I mean, I could eat.

They were pretty, because they were saying, like, if you're going to do this party here, just at least let the families and, like, ahead of the group. I don't know if we should actually heed that, but

that's what they were telling us. Let's just wipe it out. Let's just wipe it out, and they'll bring out all new pizza. All right,

let's

Big

stinky

stink.

Damn.

Who touched my butt? It's a beautiful butt. Sorry for the feedback.

Excuse me, sir. Excuse me. I'm trying to refill the cheese here.

All right, I'm going to take off. A little bit of rain. No problem.

Oh, my God.

It

Oh, here. He's bouncing from pump to pump.

Could somebody tip me for this, please? It's pretty impressive. I'm getting blown up and bounced. Hello. Tip me. Oh, la, la. Whose butt is that? It's me. Shelf. What was his name? Shelf. What was his name?

Jowl.

Jowl.

This is Robert's tire's sixth crash into a gas station and second tip.