Urgent Care

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Yeah, so I guess I've just been feeling a little short of breath.

Is it only with exercise or is it just sort of all the time?

You know, I can definitely feel it mostly when I'm exercising.

Is it more than usual, would you say? Yeah, it's a little higher than normal. And are you exercising more than usual?

I mean, I'm just being the same as I always am. But I am noticing that it's a little bit harder to breathe.

Okay. Would you say this is tightness that you feel it in your lungs? Would you say it's more in your throat? I would say it's in my chest. Okay. All right.

Well, then, let me see here. Let me look through a little book here. Excuse me, doctor.

I'm so sorry to barge in. That's okay. You can burp.

Oh, I can? Yeah. Thank you. I'm sorry to barge in with a burp like that. We need more tongue depressors next door. Do you have any extras in this

room? Yeah, just grab them out of the thing. Thank you so much. Again, sorry. All of them?

I guess I'll leave half. I'll leave half. Yeah.

Splitting. Sorry. We're running out of resources here. Do you know the I -91?

Yeah.

The road's out. And our shipment with all of our materials hasn't been able to come in this week. So we're running out of syringes. We're running out of tongue depressors,

cotton, and the little rollers for the covers on the tables. Yeah. I ran up there and I tried to help rebuild the bridge. Okay. And I am in my late 80s. Yeah. And I've been working 15 -hour days the last four days. And I will say my shortness of breath started four days ago when I

was carrying cinder blocks up a hill to rebuild the bridge. So they're doing the road with cinder blocks, huh?

Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, the bridge. Sorry. The bridge. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, you know, and I'm making my own rebar that I'm bringing from home. So at night, I forge steel.

And I guess that is wearing me out. Yeah. That is

why I think that's why I have a little shorter breath. I'm in my late 80s and I haven't slept in four days. I've been forging steel and carrying cinder blocks.

A lot of people say that doctors often sort of ignore the obvious or ignore deeper stuff in favor of the obvious diagnosis. So I don't want to just be that kind of doctor who says, yes, that's the problem. Yeah, because you never know. I do have a history of, you know, emphysema.

Do you smoke her?

No. No. No. No, no,

no, no. Wow. My family has a history of emphysema. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. That's good

to know. I'm so sorry,

doctor. Again, I'm so sorry to barge in here and burp. I don't know where I put my ear looker. Oh. You know the little ear looker thing? We poke it in the ear with

the light and you look in there.

Can I borrow yours? Yeah, for sure.

All right. Did you just eat a bunch of lunch and have like a Coke and come right back to work?

Yeah. How'd you know? I had a large chili fry

and a Coke and a large chili burp. I mean, I'm just based on the burping.

Yeah. It's just constantly burping when you walk in. Yeah,

my

apologies. Maybe you should sit down for a little bit before you're running from room to room. Yeah, maybe I should actually see somebody.

Maybe. Anyway, I -

I'm going to just be right outside. As soon as you're done, I'm going to pop

in. You're Donna's boy, right?

Yeah, yeah. Oh, you know Donna.

You know my mom. I do know Donna. I do know Donna. Yeah,

yeah, yeah. How do you know her?

Working at the bridge. She's out there, too, working pretty hard at the bridge

trying to get it built. Definitely.

Single mom, so. Yeah, that must

be tough on you. But you're in your 30s, right?

Not that. Yeah, but

she's still a single mom. That doesn't make it easier, but yeah. Identity -wise.

Right, right, right, right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And we're okay money -wise because I have this good job.

Right, right, right,

yeah.

Is that Ted I see through that door in there? Hey!

Hey, Ted! Hey, come on in!

Hey! I'm a little embarrassed to come in. Instead of that little medical cover, they just gave me a bunch of toilet paper to wrap myself in. I think they're a little low on supply.

Yeah, sorry. We ran out. We haven't gotten the shipment yet. They should be

in, hopefully, whenever we get the bridge back built. Whoa, you mummied up! Mummied up! Yeah, a little embarrassing, hard to walk, but I'm shuffling in. Just wanted to shake your hand. I didn't see you overnight at the bridge.

Yeah, I've been unfortunately going and forging rebar. Thank you. No

yeah. And I'm having to find my own minerals from the ground to make the rebar. So in between working on the bridge and bringing the rebar, I'm

problem,

old school panning for minerals

down at the river. Wow. That explains the beard growth. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I just want to say while I'm in here, to really both of you, I got a lot of money on the big game this weekend, so tell your sons to bring it. Oh.

Right? Tell your sons to bring it. All right. Well, we'll see. Who are you betting on? Are you betting on us? Are you betting on them? I'm betting on y 'all. Okay.

So you want us to win? Oh, yeah. I'm betting on the Mustangs through and through. Okay. All right.

My son's been practicing really hard. He's been throwing lots of bombs. All right.

And, sir, your x -ray is ready if you want to come back to the room. You're just walking around with toilet paper all over yourself, pretty much nude.

Okay. I didn't ask to be covered in toilet paper, and I saw my friends here.

What's going on with you? We'll see with the x -rays. Yeah. I mean... Yeah. When did you start feeling sick?

You

ordered a full body.

You ordered a full body ray? I asked for the full body ray. I just recently, my muscles have been feeling a little weaker. Really? My feet hurt. My feet hurt real bad. Yeah.

When did this start?

What's today? Friday?

Yeah. About Monday. Four

days ago. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mine, too. Mine, too. I think something about working on the bridge flared up whatever my problem is, so I'm excited to see the x -rays.

What do they have you doing at the bridge again? Remind me.

I am holding two big lights and directing people in different directions when the trucks come in and stuff,

so I've got my arms over my head a lot. I'm on my feet all day. I don't have good shoes. I got some sketchy shape -ups yesterday. And we don't have much electricity down there either. Are you running the generator, possibly? I'm running the generator. I'm going down to the dam and dumping water in there fast so that the turbines turn to

create

the electricity. Carrying

water uphill and then to get the flow over the turbines. Give it a big whoosh. That's so interesting. You know, my wife was doing that the other day, and she was using one of those big, powerful super soakers. Shauna was. Yeah, Shauna was out there, and she did the 3 a .m. to 7 a .m. dam shift Tuesday, Wednesday, and this morning. Oh, D -A -M -N shift.

Huh? The

shift. That's the shift where you look at that and you go,

dam

damn. Yeah.

Somebody's got to come in and complain for a couple hours and be like, damn it. We going to have to start over there.

Well, I hope everything's all right with you. I'd love to see my x -rays and know what's going

on. Okay,

absolutely. And tell your son, win by more than four points.

Okay. Please. Okay, he's only 17, so he only

17. What, he can't count? Well, okay. Got a lot of money on the game. Tell your son, win by more than four points. Okay, I will.

All right, let's shuffle down the hallway, sir. Let's get you back in the room on the right. Oh, it all came off.

Hey, nobody look. Nobody look. It's professional. Unless you wanna. Oh, don't laugh or is that a scream?

Sir, sir, sir. You're scaring the kid.

Oh, that's right. These kids have never seen a mummy naked. They didn't know it could happen. It's okay. Come here, kid. It's okay. I'm actually just

a guy. Come here. Mummies are people who are just now dead for thousands of years.

I'm a naked real man who was wrapped up. Come here. Look. I'm just a real

guy. Sir, don't ask that child to come close to you. Just try

to make him comfortable. Let's get you in the x -ray

room. Here, come on. Come on.

All right. Anyway. Yeah.

I don't know.

Okay. So just to cover my bases,

have you sort of found yourself inhaling any sort of chemicals or irritants recently? Yes. Yes. Both. Okay. Both of those, yes. Okay. Any particulars? Any specifics? Has there been a roundup? Spray paint.

Okay. General dust. Concrete dust.

Hydrogen.

Hydrogen. Hydrogen.

Yep.

Okay. Formaldehyde. Okay.

Loose. Mercury.

And yeah, that's

about it.

Right. Okay. So yeah. I mean, I'm going to say all of these symptoms and everything are sort of pointing to a diagnosis here. But again, I'm just very, very

unsure. Don't say emphysema. Do not

say emphysema. I don't think it's emphysema. But there are a few things we need to check. We still need to check. Because I just don't want to give you a diagnosis that I'm not

100 % confident. Okay. Hey, doctor. Yeah. I'm sorry to barge in again. No burp this time.

Okay. I've burped it out. I walked around the building. Good. I let out all of my gas. Good.

But the dog kennel has called.

dog has eaten another dog. And you need to go pick up your dog right away. What?

Your

Whose dog was it? Oh, excuse you. I'm so

sorry. I think it's coming out the other end. I guess I got the ass out the top and not the bottom. My apologies. Wow. That was a stinker.

I'm really sorry.

natural. Don't waft it in here. No, I'm trying to waft it out the door. You're wafting it towards it. I apologize.

It's

Oh, God. That smells like hydrogen. Woo. Woo.

Do you

have any other details? So your dog ate another dog

in

like a hole? I have a teacup

chihuahua. So this is crazy to think about.

Don't tell me. Some of the

most aggressive.

Bones and all? I don't know. I'm just relaying. You know what? Let me just call him. Let me just call him really quick.

Call him and see if his bones and

all.

Licking his chops. Licking his chops. Bones and all. Ask him.

Hello, Krusty Kettle.

Hi. Hi, Janine. This is Doc.

Krusty.

Oh, you could tell it was me, Janine. Of course I can, Janine. You're the only person who works there. Well, hi, Doc. Hi. I just got some news. It said somebody contacted someone here in my office and said that Teenie ate somebody else's dog. Yeah. How could this be possible? Well, it was a Rottweiler and he was very tired. Apparently, this Rottweiler has been working on the bridge for the last four days and it was just exhausted. And your little pup was hungry, hungry, hungry.

Okay. So I just want to, I want to, I'm going to give you an analogy here that feels similar here. So as a doctor, if somebody comes in and I sort of see a sickness or something starting and I ignore it for a really long time and that person ends up dying, it ends up being my fault. So I have to ask, when my tiny dog was eating a Rottweiler, which couldn't have happened quickly, how did everybody at your kennel miss it? That's what I want to know.

Well, I mean, we were watching an American Idol rerun.

Again?

We love Dunkelman. We love

Dunkelman. Being Dunkelman. He's one of the original hosts. And then they canned him and kept going with Seacrest. Do you know

that? Yeah. I did know that. We're big fans of American Idol here. Yeah. Well, I just,

it seems like you guys are being negligent. And then he came back every season

to audition as a singer,

as a different character. And he won every single season.

You remember Dunkelman. I do. We

love him. Dunkelman's Carrie Underwood.

Dunkelman's Ruben Sutter. Dunkelman's

Kelly Clarkson. Dunkelman's Soul Train. Dunkelman's Fantasia Burino. Dunkelman is everybody else that won.

So we're really sorry that we didn't catch it earlier. But in good news, you don't have to buy dog food this month. Your dog is stuffed. So you're good to

go.

Can you send me a picture of it? Ask him bones and all whole. Was it whole? A big slurp?

Snake style? Did my little dog eat that Rottweiler bones and all snake style?

We don't know. What? We don't know.

Krusty doesn't know? Krusty doesn't know. Okay. Well, can you send me a picture of my dog? Because my dog has to look crazy with

this much meat inside of him. Let's see. I can't really fit him in the frame

here.

We back up a little bit. Hi. I'm P. Layup Woman auditioning with I Will Always Love You.

Oh, sorry. I'm going to have to get back to you. Who

was

auditioning?

Can you just leave it on speaker? I want to

Who was auditioning?

hear this. I know.

That's P. Layup Woman. And I'm doing I Will Always Love You. P. Layup Woman.

Okay. Mrs. Lamp Woman. Go

ahead. Layup Woman. P. Layup Woman.

Okay. Mrs. Layup Woman.

Go

ahead. Thank you, Simon. Good to see you again. I mean, never before.

Oh, Dunkelman. No, it's a no for me, dog. Get out of here, Dunkelman.

Oh, caught by Randy

again. Get out of here, Dunkelman. What? Hey, it's me. You know who

I am. Ronda Rousey.

What?

I was there for a season. I was at Caleb.

You kicked

everyone's ass if they sang bad. I would, yes. What is Layup Woman? P. Layup Woman? Is that a character? I'm confused.

What do you mean you're confused? I'm not Dunkelman. I'm P. Layup Woman.

What's confusing? We get it, Mrs. Woman. It's P. Layup Woman and not B. Dunkelman. Oh,

my God. Go ahead, Mrs. Woman. Straight to Hollywood.

Straight to Hollywood for the

name. You won unanimous vote by all of America at once. Take that, William Hong. Whoa. Oh, I'm banged. Oh, she banged me. Oh, God. She freaking banged me. You

got banged. Oh, she bangs.

Every

time she bangs. You got

banged. You got

banged. Now, get over here. I'm about to beat you up. Why, why, why, why, why, why?

Because I'm Rhonda Rousey. Okay, I'm going to

hang up on this call. Okay.

Well, what do we think? What's the diagnosis?

You know, I think it's pretty clear what's going on here. I think,

you know, with everything. Just give it to me straight. With everything that's been going on in your life and all these symptoms and all these different things that you have let me know. Is it bridgeitis? Just give it to me straight.

And I'm sorry to jump in and suggest what it

might be. But I'm going to let

you go. Honestly. But is it bridgeitis? It's really good that you say that because I think that lets me know that you have already been prepared for your diagnosis. I'm really hard. I really hate to have to say this, but

you've got bridgeitis.

Another case of bridgeitis.

It's running all over this town. Everybody's got it. Shit.

Your case number 321.

Well, sir, I'm seeing the x -ray here and I have a little bit of good news. A little bit of bad news. The good news is.

Give it to me straight.

Some flesh showed up on the x -ray and it's a funny little picture. Check this out.

That's funny. That's funny. Good news. That's funny. It's like mostly skeleton, but the little skin on

there. Yeah. You see a little bit of penis right by the tailbone there. That's what that is. Yeah. That's your

penis. Good for

me. That's funny, isn't it?

The bad news is. Don't sugarcoat it for me, doc.

I don't want to sugarcoat it. Give it to me straight. You've got bridgeitis. Oh, no.

Yep. I thought I was feeling some flare -ups when I went over the 310 this morning.

Yep. You've got bridgeitis. Every time you go over a bridge, you're going to flare up.

This

damn

town. So how long? Give it to me straight, doc. How long do I have?

You've got 20 minutes to live. I'm so, so, so, so, so, so, so sorry.

And I hate to tell you this, and I'm sorry to barge into your room, but in about 10 minutes, half of your body is going to break in half and a boat is going to go right through you. So it's stage four. It's stage

four

vagitis. Oh, my God.

I hear the boat far away. Big cruise ship. Can I take the phone? I need to say goodbye to my loved ones. This is actually like my personal phone.

Okay. I've only got 20 minutes. I just don't want to spend a lot of it looking for a phone. Maybe there's a. Yeah. Is it cool if I hold it? Why don't you just tell me the number to dial?

Your family was

out of town, right? For an audition today. Yeah. What were they auditioning for?

Well, my husband, I think, wanted to be on American Idol, and our new adopted son, William, was also auditioning. Really? Yeah.

Well, that's great news.

Can you phone?

Yes. Just a. Back away.

3 -1 -0.

Uh -huh.

Dunkleman.

Wait.

What's the question? He usually lets it ring like six

times, but he doesn't have a voicemail. Are you

Dunkleman, or are you calling Dunkleman? I'm calling Dunkleman. Okay, that's right. That

was a

six. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Pick

up,

pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up.

I think the voice is very similar to yours,

though.

What, Dunkleman? Dunkleman. Pick

up. Oh. Come

on, Dan. You know, you've reached Brian Dunkleman's phone.

Just kidding. It's one of those funny messages. Legal message, and we'll call you back. Me and my wife.

Why was that one of those

funny messages? Brian, honey. It wasn't like, hey, it's Brian. It's, hey, you reached Brian Dunkleman's

voicemail. Did he just buy a cameo or

something?

For

somebody else? He's got a wry sense of humor. You just don't

get it. Just kidding. That wasn't the real beep.

That was

my beep. Okay. Anyway, here comes the real beep. Just remember,

you're the best.

Okay, that was pretty funny.

I know you're looking at me

for me to give a

waiting

message.

It's coming. I'm not going to leave a message yet. I've heard this voicemail a hundred times. We're not even halfway through

the joke.

Gotcha.

Shit.

I'm back, Mr. Dunkleman. This is why they fired him from American Idol.

You wonder why they call me Dunkleman. Because I Dunkle every time I can.

Okay.

Beep.

Okay, this has got to be it.

It's

getting closer.

It looks like the little man's getting into the tower to start celebrating. Leave a message.

Brian, honey, it's your husband. I hope your American Idol audition went well. Look, I've got some terrible news. Those symptoms I started feeling are bridge -itis. I'm turning

into a bridge. Honey, honey, honey. Sorry. Sorry. I was running to my phone. Are you there?

Honey, it's me. Honey.

I have huge news. Me too. Someone assaulted William.

Someone assaulted William. Who did it?

I'm not sure. Brian, honey, I'm not going to be around to protect William much longer. Why? What do you have?

I have bridge -itis. I'm at the urgent care. I have bridge -itis. You have to tell William he's got to be stronger. I'm not always going to be around to take care of him,

Brian. You wouldn't believe this. It was a woman, and she banged. She banged him.

She banged William Hung, our

son that we adopted.

Brian, I'm standing here nude with some toilet paper still on me, ripping in half as a boat goes under me. I love you. I love William. Don't check my internet history. Wait, why?

That's Mr. Dunkelman out. I love you, honey.

This was a great last chat. Oh, no.

That was still the voice.

Shit.