Drive-Thru

It's a funny place, the drive-thru. You're eating the food from the restaurant. You're ordering the food from the restaurant. But you're dining in your vehicle? So in a way, your car is the restaurant. Just a funny little thought I had. Hey, if you see old Mr. Seinfeld around, why don't you play this for him?

Hi Jerry. All right, I want everyone, if possible, to know your orders by the time we get to the drive -thru speaker, just so that we're not all still thinking, because it's a pretty long line already.

I can't see the menu.

Okay. Well, you know what they have at McDonald's.

Do they have fries?

Yes, honey, they have fries. They've got all the stuff McDonald's has.

Good question, Mom.

I know we don't eat fast food a lot, but you all know the basics of a fast food restaurant, right?

Do they have food, Jerry?

No.

Will you ask if they have hamburgers? I don't

need that. I'm really craving a hamburger. Creamy. They do have hamburgers, Mom. Okay. Good. Good. I'll have one of those. Great. Unless they have

fries.

And that's sounding pretty good, too. I can get you a hamburger and fries. It's not one or the other, actually.

Oh, my God. The excess.

Dad, I'm really thirsty. Are they going to have drinks?

Yeah, they do. They have sodas. We also have the water we brought. If your mother will share some with you.

I am not sharing my water with these people.

Mom, I

was

born of

No, I will not. Hand us the

you.

canteen,

please. No, I will not share my water with anyone. That's disgusting.

Dad, can we turn on the air at least? I just

don't get it. Ask your mother. Ask your mother. Air conditioning in the car? Or water. Absolutely not. Why? Because it's blowing around the germs inside the car. Look, I want this to be, you know.

Oh,

I thought it was about money. No. It's about germs? It's about germs. It's why I also won't share my water with you. Oh. I want this to be, you know, when your grandma, my mom, and I thought of this, which I thought would be sweet, to recreate the road trip

that she and my dad took after they got married on the honeymoon. We're going to the Grand Canyon. Didn't Grandpa call that the road trip from hell?

Yes. Yes. Yes, he did. It had been branded that afterwards. But it didn't start out bad.

We're remembering the nice things about Grandpa, okay? Okay. We're trying to remember the nice things about my dad.

Dad, will you tell us one? Tell us a nice thing.

I can't right now. But I'll think of one. First, I want to get the orders going. I mean, one thing that your grandpa was really, really good at is he was really particular about the volume of the TV when

I watched it. Yes. I have a fun

story. Oh, yeah. Okay. Yes. Yes. Yes. So we were at the mall once looking for a new top for me to wear

to go to the high school football game. And they didn't have a size medium in Victoria's Secret.

For

your

top.

Wow.

So here's

your grandma and grandpa at the Victoria's Secret buying a top for the high school football game, which he - He wanted me to shop there for the game.

He was really trying to treat her, which is sweet.

And I said, what about another store, you know, like where they have regular shirts? And he said, no, this one. And I was like, I think

these are just bras.

He knew what he liked. And they didn't have a medium bra for me.

And so I was like, let's just go over to Lane Bryant. I can just grab a shirt there, just something easy. And he said, no. And he kicked the associate in the shin, a real hard kick right to the shin. And she screamed and ran off. Is that how he died? That's how that associate died,

yes. And they're cut to me, you know,

lining up for

the last possession of the game. You know, they called a play for me. I was a wide receiver. And I look up in the stands and see my mom in a two big nightie.

Yep. And wonder where my dad is. And I just see her mouth prison again.

And so I caught that touchdown pass for dad, you know.

Yes. He couldn't be there. Yes. Yes. You're sure they have fries?

Honey, it's McDonald's. You know McDonald's has

fries,

right? I, you know, a lot's changed since the last time I went to

McDonald's. Oh, the line's moving backward. People are backing up.

Everybody's

backing up.

I guess someone forgot to order something they're saying. And they want us to

back up. Oh, my God. Big gesture from the first person in the line wants a full line to back up.

Wow. Everybody really saying yes. Immediately backing up,

crunching each other's cars. Crunching. Crunching. Easy, easy.

Honey, how about this? Instead of you be assuming that they're not going to have what you want, why don't you tell me blue skies what you want from this fast food restaurant? And I bet they'll have a lot of it.

Go for the gold, Mom.

Blue skies. I mean, if I'm being honest, blue skies, what I'm really craving right now is Chilean sea bass with a pepper pepper sauce. Okay.

And maybe a side of like a rice pilaf. Add some sort of roasted assorted vegetables. Dad, do they have that?

You know, I don't think they do. And like I said. They don't have that,

but you're sure they have fries?

Yeah. I'm sure McDonald's has fries. But we can get you a filet of fish sandwich, french fries, and a bag of apples. Hey, folks. Hi.

Sorry. Hi. Hi. Sorry to do this. I'm just walking the line. We're a little backed up. It's going to be about an hour and a half. Is everybody okay with that? An hour and a half. That's what it's looking like. Oh, my God.

I brought you guys a couple little sampler fries.

I got one fry for everybody. So you do

have fries.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Here you go.

That's really thoughtful of you. It sucks, this exit. There's just like no real good

food, I guess is what I would

say. We agree. So we're just kind of. We agree. I guess everyone's here. Well, thank you. If you don't mind me asking, what's taking so long? Isn't the whole thing with McDonald's that your fast food seems like an hour and a half is like a really long time.

People keep forgetting what they want, and they keep ordering. Everybody at the front has ordered six times. We've got five people who have ordered six times, which is 30 orders. Instead of five.

That won't be us. I can guarantee you that. We're going to know what we want, and we're going to remember it, and we won't forget.

Okay, good. Well, let me know if you need anything else as I'm walking back down

the line. Do you have like a little travel menu or something that we could look at? Because we're a little far away from the real menu. And I know now that you do have fries, so my worries are sort of dissolved. But if we had a menu, it'd be great.

Okay. What was your name?

No. No.

Thank you for the one fry

that should tie us over for the next hour and a half. You're welcome.

You're welcome. My name

is Clift.

Clift. Thank you, Clift.

Thanks. Thank you.

Short for anything? No. Okay. Okay.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

You ran right back. It's Clifton. Oh, yeah. Okay. Why were you embarrassed by that? I

don't know. It's a great name. It's a good name. I

just Clift, right? Nobody wants the on. To me. I would have got rid of the T, too. Clift. I agree with my mom on that one.

wouldn't be embarrassed. It's better

Yeah.

Really? Cut that off, too. Oh, are you guys in love? Me and my mom?

Yeah.

I

love my mother. I'm not in love with her. Are you in love?

I'm not in love with my mom. I'm in

love with my wife.

Honey. Of course I'm not in love with my mom.

I don't know. I've never thought

about it. I'm getting

a weird vibe from the

car. The kid seems

confused. Back it up. Back it up again. We're back it up again. Hang on. Walk with us, Clift. Walk with us. Walk with us. Walk with us.

Oh, Clift, you remind me of my late husband. Oh, really?

What about? Dead. Not on time. Dead. Just to be clear.

Oh, he's not on the way. Yeah, he's not. No, no, no. He's been laying to rest. Yes, he has been. Well, yes.

He's not going to be restful?

He had pissed off most of the people in the town, including everybody who owned a funeral home and a cemetery. I've heard of this. So he hasn't been laid to rest.

We're still searching for a place for him to be. We have him in the trunk.

And we tried to cremate him so he's a little charred.

Oh, my

God. We couldn't get it up hot enough. But we're going to be spreading his

charred body across the country

on this road trip. I'm telling you, it's not going to be nasty. Right?

his charred ashes? We wish.

You mean spreading

We really wish. Yes, we could not get the fire even close to hot enough. We ended up microwaving him for about 45 minutes.

We

obviously didn't want to do it that way. No. We just kind of panicked. Would you mind if I popped the trunk and took a look? I mean, you have to get all the birds and stuff off the back of it that are pecking, trying to get into the... Well, it's been sitting

here a long time. Yeah. It makes sense.

Shoo! Shoo!

Wah! Shoo! Wah!

So many crows. It's ironic because he hated crows. Really? Oh, yeah. He would cuss them out. He would insult them. Yes. Yeah. He would just fight with them over cigarettes and stuff like that.

Wow.

Okay. But yeah. Couldn't pop. All right. Watch out. It comes up

fast. No!

My nose! Oh, Cliff, sorry. Cliff,

you're gushing blood. Oh, my God. Right at

the

end. That's

blood?

thought I snotted. You're gushing,

Yeah. I

Cliff. Holy crap. Okay. I'll

hold it.

Sorry about that, Cliff. It's okay. So that's my father. He's burnt to a crisp. Yeah. Thank

you. Thank you. We are happy. Unfortunately, one big

crisp.

Yes. Yes. Like an English chip.

A crisp. Much like an English chip.

I don't know if you know this, Cliff. You seem pretty American. But in England, they call potato chips crisps and french fries chips. Chips.

So that's why it's confusing when you say to us a big chip.

Are you guys from England?

No. No. No. No. But we've been there a lot.

And they call the toilet the loo. Yes. But you cannot shit anywhere in the Louvre, which I know now.

Oh. They don't have bathrooms?

Well, no. I'm sorry. You can shit in some place in the Louvre, but you can't shit underlining anywhere in the you know what I mean?

Exactly.

It's not one big bathroom. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's

just what you thought.

the same. It's crazy because when

But it sounds

Well,

would think because. He was so

you

we were going.

Louvre. They had shit

excited to go to the

all over the walls.

Yeah, there's so much old crap in there, you would think. Yeah, I mean, I Picasso'd the floor and nobody

gave me an award.

You're disgusting, honey. Honey, honey, I'm sorry. Look, we're sorry to make you look. I mean, you wanted

to. It's okay. I

understand. This is an important day for you guys.

You spend a lot of time with our car. Do you have other people you need to talk to?

There's just nothing going on. There's just nothing

going on. It sounds like there's a lot

going on in the

restaurant.

Well, but they're handled. I'm the line

guy.

You ever go to In -N -Out Burger? Yeah. I've never been. Oh, yeah. They're really efficient.

really

efficient.

Yeah, they're

Yeah. Well, feel free to keep chatting with us, but we don't want to keep you. No, I got to let the line know. I got to let them know. I got a few more of these four pack of fries to give out.

Thanks, Clift.

No problem.

Oh, Clift.

Tell

them to hurry up. You

got it. You

got it, sir. We are very hungry. You got it, sir. Don't let semi -trucks back into the line and push us back hundreds of

feet. Yeah, I feel like the better move is to just make them go around and get in the

back. No, no. We wanted to build a tall drive -through so that semi -trucks

could come through. They shouldn't even be in the line. Yeah.

They should go inside. They need to go inside. Yeah. Right.

I got the impression that that truck up there forgot something a couple days ago and reversed and just came back now and reversed into the line.

Yeah, he's been here a while.

Okay.

Yeah.

Well, thanks, Clift. Thank you. Well, that was nice. That's not normal for McDonald's.

We're going to be late to the Grand Canyon. We're going to

be late. It's

fine. Is it going to be closed? We have an 8 a .m. It's not. The Grand Canyon isn't going anywhere. Your grandma did line up a pretty

packed itinerary for this.

Yes. Grandma wanted to do helicopter. She wanted to do river raft. She wanted to do riding on an ass down the crack.

Yeah.

And that I won't budge on. That last one I won't budge on. Ride on an ass down the crack.

Because it is. What's so funny about it is it is America's crack. And you can ride an ass down it. And

that is what's funny about it, Grandma. I told you she does still have her sense of humor.

I know. I told you guys. I'm sorry we argued for so long

with you about that. Mom and Dad said that you are too old to have fun anymore. No. I know. They say that

in front of me. Well,

you're proving us wrong. I mean, this riding an ass down the crack thing is funny.

But the day won't be fun. You're so stressed about doing like a hundred things. You're really concerned about her emotions, honey. I'm not in love with my mom. Okay. It's just you don't talk to me like that anymore. You

that invested in what's going on in my life. You haven't once asked me about my new fledgling business. Oh, you're right. It's new and fledgling. That's

don't seem

bad. Well, I'm raising little baby birds.

Oh.

It's a fledgling

business. That's why the house stinks. Yeah. Yes. And it's loud. Yes. Yeah. But it's the price you pay for any sort of entrepreneurial endeavor. Well, no. Nobody's paid any price yet, right?

I have. I've invested a lot. Okay.

How much did you spend on birthing baby chickens? Isn't that something that just happens naturally?

Well, not the way your mother wants to do it. She wants to do water births and she wants

to be a bird doula. Yeah. Mom. What? Why? Because you know how many chickens have babies every day. So

are you sitting on an egg in water?

I am helping the chicken birth its egg. And then if it wants to sit on its egg, I sit with it and I explain to it what's going on. I make sure it's comfortable the whole time. And if it does not want to sit on that chicken, then yes, I will sit on the egg for that chicken if I need to. But I'm just there to sort of walk these chickens, these hens through the process of bringing life into this world. It's chaotic. Do you know how - Does a chicken need a doula? Wow. I've raised the least empathetic child that's ever been made.

That's not true. I'm trying to empathize with the chicken. Yeah. Yeah. Well,

I failed as a mother. You

haven't. I have.

It's okay. My husband is in love with - The answer's no. No. My husband is in love with his mother. My child thinks that my career is worthless. And what

I failed as a

mother.

about me? And what do I do?

You

- Grandma always looking to be

included.

What do

I do? You honestly -

Go away. There's nothing on fire.

Go away.

Mom, you don't know. Just because there's nothing

on fire here doesn't mean you can

tell fire trucks. And there is smoke in the distance across the other side of the exit. So there

might be a fire over there. And it could be from a few crashes that have happened.

Yeah.

Do you think they're here to extinguish my husband back there? He is smoldering. He's smoldering for sure. Thank God.

If they do that, that fire hose is going to blow him to bits.

Actually, that might help us get him into ashes. Yeah. Okay. Come on. Come on. Back up here.

wave him

away. Oh, they're getting in line. They're getting in line. Oh, they're backing in. They're backing in. Great.

Don't

Great. Those

are going to be hungry boys, too. Eight or ten guys on that truck.

Hungry guys.

Hungry guys. Damn it.

Look, I am supportive of your business. Financially supportive. I think those are reasonable questions. Just because someone asks you follow -up questions, it doesn't mean that they're judging

you. It seems like judgment. If you don't understand what I'm saying immediately and you follow up with a question, it makes me question all the choices that I've made in my life. Okay? So that's

really the

problem. Yeah. Yeah. It makes me think, do chickens need a doula? It's a great question. I thought they did, but now I'm sitting here in the drive -thru of a McDonald's. I'm not even sure if they have fries. And I don't know. No, they do. What do you talk? How do we know?

Cliff gave us a

fryer. He wasn't wearing a uniform. He might have just been a guy from the grocery store or something. Okay? You are so sure that you have the answers to every question, but you don't. Okay? There's a lot of uncertainty in this world. Okay? For example, right now I'm uncertain of whether or not you are in love with your mother.

You've said multiple times that you are not, but you've also said multiple times that you aren't a lot of things. Okay? You've said multiple times that you aren't upset with me when

you really are.

Okay?

I don't know if I can trust you. You said multiple times you don't know if we can actually cremate your father. Dad. What?

It's obvious you love Grandma.

It's obvious.

Yeah, you're defending her so

adamantly. What have I adamantly defended? You guys have just been staring at each other's eyes the whole time. Here's what I think. Mom, you are insecure and weird. And Dad, she's got your peg. You love Grandma.

And what about me?

Well, I don't want to say this, but you shouldn't be walking around wearing that all the time.

This nightie has shrunk. I swear it's shrunk. It looks nice. This is the

Victoria's Secret House. Your grandpa bought me this nightie and killed an associate by kicking them in the shin. Okay? I think I can wear it.

I think I can wear it.

Yeah, you can. You can. We got a call about a Burning Man in the back of this car.

Oh, no. Burning Man is not here. It's in Black

Rock City. My mistake, man. My

mistake, man.

You thought the whole party was right here? You never know where a burn's going to happen.

a lot of people in this line,

There are

could understand that you'd think this was Burning

I

so

Man, but it's not. Oh,

my mistake.

So you guys are.

Oh, man. You guys are. Is this where the party's at, man? Is this the playa? So you kind of do show up in a big fire engine, but you're looking for Burning Man? Yeah.

Yeah. We're firefighters, but we only got that way so that we could find out where Burning Man was.

Yeah. We want to put them out when the time is right.

So many tinted goggles and clothes that are ripped up. Tattered

clothes. Yeah. And your bikes. Oh, yeah. Well, try. Do y 'all want some orange juice? Yeah. What would you guys do for a sandwich?

We're not bartering. Honestly, I'm starving.

French fries? We have French fries? Yeah.

you have

Do

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, they're in the back of the van. Yeah. I mean, fire truck.

Speaking of French. I'm getting in the fire truck. I'm

out

here. Speaking of French. I'm not having fun. I'm leaving. No, I'm leaving. Speaking of French, have you guys been to the Lou? Trash, right?

of

Yeah. One of my friends said they got shit all over the walls. Can I get an amen from the congregation?

Mom, you're so funny. You're

so funny. Cool it. Dad, it's obvious, Dad.