The Dump

Some people's daddies like to bond by going out and having a catch. Others, well, they'll teach you how to marinate a fine steak. My old man, he'd wake me up at the crack of dawn and say, son, we're going to the dump.

Are my back tires on the weight? On the scale, sorry? Pull up, Kenny.

Pull up a little.

All right. Is that it?

All right. Give me the hands.

Give

me the hands, yeah. Cut it. Cut it. Cut it. Cut. Which way?

Oh, whoa,

whoa, whoa, whoa. Sorry. Sorry.

All right. So are you dropping off dump or picking up dump?

I'd like to just drop off unless I see something nice. Do I have to prepay or

decide? No, no. So we weigh you on the way in. I mean, you know how it

goes, but just we weigh you on the way in, and then we weigh you on the way out and just split the difference on the charge. Great. Okay. Yeah. Well, you know.

We got some good dump today.

You got dump? What was dumped earlier?

It looks like somebody foreclosed on an apartment and just maybe it was a breakup or

something. Somebody's asleep in a bed down there. Yeah.

I think he doesn't even know he got foreclosed on

yet. Oh, that's going to be a tough wake up

for sure. So just leave the bed, but anything around it

is yours. Well, yeah, I just crunched my shed and got, you know, demoed the shed.

Oh, yeah.

No, I'm done, man.

I ain't caught nothing in a year. You're dropping too deep. You drop in line too deep. The fish are at about 30 feet. I've seen you out there on the water. You're dropping

90 feet. I'm fishing on the bottom. I've been a fish on the bottom. I've always been a bottom fisherman. I'm looking for the sheep's head down there. You know

that. All right. Well, I.

Oh,

no.

Listen, I.

If we could be a little quiet, this guy's going to wake up to a pretty rude awake thing. Yeah, he's been foreclosed on. From bedroom to dump. He's a deep sleeper.

Okay.

If I go on in and take what you want, leave what you want.

All right. I am going to look around just for a second

because I'm not fishing anymore, but maybe I'm hunting.

I don't know if anybody's thrown any guns away or bows and arrows or anything.

You never know. You never know. We had a couple guys kind of come in here fast and speed away fast. And that's. You

can always. Just kind of drift in and throw the tailgate down.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So you might find some weapons back there.

Well, you run a special on Tokyo Drift Day, right? Like when people just come in and

kind of drift. June 15th, the day Tokyo Drift came out changed the world and it sure changed the jump. The dump.

Changed the jump. Are you still trying to turn this into sort of a kid's play place where people can jump around?

Why not? Why not? I mean, why can only adults have fun at the dump?

Right. It's fun for all. All right. All right. Well, I'm going to I'm going to go back here to Ben for you. I feel I'm feeling Ben for

it. I'm going to look around. All right. Ben Ford's five. Ben Ford's five. Sorry. I just went. I was thinking out loud myself. I don't think that's anything though. So go

ahead. I think that might be something.

I don't know what it is. Let's think on it. Get back

to each other.

If

OK.

OK. Hi. Birthday party for Miller.

Miller. OK. The Millers. How you doing?

Good. Good.

How we doing, kids? Kids,

how we doing? Good job.

Great. So we got you a Ben nine.

Ben nine?

Yeah. Why not?

We had Ben nine last year. It's full of crap.

We want one of the good ones. It's Ben nine. I don't know if that's something.

Now, that is something for sure,

Kenny. I'm going to head

back to Ben Ford's five. That's Kenny. He's on Ben Ford's five right now. I think that's something.

I'm going to be honest. Could somebody get this off of my foot? Because I'm a brick and I'm drowning

slowly. Get it off. Get what off your foot.

I don't know.

I'm playing. It might be something. All right. Good to see you. Happy birthday. Thanks for my son. Thank you.

Well, Mr. Miller, if Ben nine is not satisfactory to you, we have bins one through eight reserved, but we can get you into the deep bins that haven't really been touched in a

while. No, no. I'm sure Ben nine will work. That's fine. I got six kids here who cannot wait to bounce on all the trash.

Right. Yeah. So we've got a bit. Nine's got a lot. I think that does have an old trampoline there. So there's something to bounce on there. Perfect. I would watch out for the TVs. Some kids like to bounce on the TVs, but they will shatter underneath the weight of the kids

or any human. And I have one question for you. I forgot to do a gift bag situation.

Oh, we all the kids just sort of takes stuff. Oh, you can do that too. Yeah.

Or I like to whip up gift bags too for the birthday party. Fantastic. I'd love to see what the dump operator puts in the gift.

It's a bit of a belange.

Wow. But it'll all be kid friendly. Can I be honest? I'm really proud of you. I didn't think you'd know that word. I did not think you'd know that word. I come to the dump and I hear things that, you know, you hear normal public all the time, but I'm really proud that they make their way here.

Oh, yeah. You know. What'd you do before you worked here? At the dump? Yeah. I was an aspiring novelist, actually. Really? And I came to the dump because I thought it would inspire

me. Life experience. Life experience. And I ended up just falling for it, you know. Good for you. And worked my way up. Just I love the lifestyle. Good for

you.

Now it's my dump. That's beautiful. Watch out. That guy got foreclosed on today. They moved his bed into the dump with him still on it. Oh, no. I don't think he knows yet. I mean, you've seen it a hundred times.

If you've seen it once, you've

seen it a million times. These are the type of stories I was looking for for my novel. Yeah. I mean, this is the perfect thing to write about. Uh -oh.

All right. All right. Thank you. Been nine. We'll see you. All right. Well, enjoy, Mr. Miller. Thank you. All right. I might have to wake this guy up. Maybe I'll just. He's right on top of some of the prime garbage disposals here. You know what? I'll just dig around him for some of the kids' party stuff. I hope he doesn't wake up. Oh. I guess if it. All right. We got a lightning storm. Everybody, we've got a lightning storm in the dump. Leave the volume up on this. We've got a lightning storm in the dumps. Just stay away from the steel bins. That's 13 through 300. Stay away from the steel bins until the lightning storm passes. And please do not use any sheet metal to hide underneath. We do not need another big kids getting struck situation.

Kids, kids, take off your metal caps. Take off your little metal party caps. It's not safe anymore.

Oh, Randy.

Randy, your hair.

Your

hair was perfectly burned. Oh, I'm a big kid and I got struck. Oh. Oh, my God. Randy, you look like Dr. Evil. Whoa. You look

hairless. Oh, my God. Randy, your hair was like the best thing about you. You had such

beautiful hair. My defining feature. I'm headed into 10th grade. I'm going to be made fun of. No, no. This could be good. You have a new defining feature. You look

like Dr. Evil. Or less

than definingly featureless.

Yes.

Look, please, everybody, please don't let this ruin my birthday, okay? Boom.

Randy,

your

hair's back. Yeah, it's back and it's green. It's better than ever. Oh, thank God.

Oh, no.

Are these normal lightning strikes or are these God strikes?

Oh,

God. Randy, are you

my

like Michael?

Or

Powder? Or Powder?

I might be like Powder. And I've seen that movie.

Tell me what it means exactly. I believe he gets struck by lightning or has some sort of powers that make him look like, not Austin Powers, but Dr. Evil. Oh. And he can control metal and everyone bullies him. But let's just say he gets back at them in the end. Yeah. Okay. And Michael is an angel played by John Travolta. That's not what I'm thinking of. There's another Travolta movie where he gets struck by lightning. He's a very special guy.

Phenomenon.

Hey, man. Hey, man.

What? Get up. What? Wake up, man. You're not in your bedroom. Where am I? Cheryl?

Cheryl's gone forever. Wait, what?

I think Cheryl's gone forever. She's foreclosed on you and dropped you in the dump. What are you talking about? You're in the dump. Did I

die

in my sleep? You're

bottomless. You're

bottomless. And you're in the dump.

Oh,

sleeping like all men. T -shirt, no bottoms.

And you're in the dump, dude. What the? Are you

serious? That's what my room is like.

Pretty close to my experience. What do you mean, Cheryl's gone? I mean, if you're like most men, you probably didn't even notice the difference of your

location.

Wait a second.

room's

Your

dude.

He's

so heartbroken. He's totally missing some of this dump material.

He's wondering where

all of his stuff is. We're killing

it over here on Dump Specifics via men's lifestyle. If only there was a woman here to train you, you know, teach you the rules of living. That's the difference between men and women.

Sorry, sir. It would happen. Sir, hi. You're in my dump. Your wife both broke up with you.

I have an apartment. What are you talking about? No, your wife broke up with you and foreclosed on you. What? I guess she was your landlord. Is that correct? Well, she was the bank. Your wife was the bank. Yeah, she was my banker. Oh, really? Yeah. That's what I meant. Are you saying she's gone?

Sir?

Are you saying my wife is gone?

Your wife was Merrill Lynch? Yeah.

Cheryl Lynch.

Cheryl Lynch. Yeah.

Cheryl

Lynch. When we saw her leave, she was dressed in vacation attire and a big, big visor.

Oh, no. She's going to Honolulu.

Oh, no. Oh. Is it? She foreclosed on you and went to

Honolulu? Yes. Out

of everywhere she could go.

She's going to Honolulu.

She's never been.

Sir, I am so sorry, but you couldn't have woken up in a better place for you.

What are you talking about? Well, sure. My bed is burnt to a crisp. What

happened while I was asleep? This is going to be perfect for you. Your bed was struck by lightning, sir. What? But this is great for you. You're around some supportive people, a

kid's birthday party. These are children. And very supportive ones. Look at Kyle's hair, by the way.

It's green. Oh, wow. It's green. My hair's back and

it's

green. Sir, can I ask, how was your relationship when you went to sleep last night? Oh, you know, we have ups and downs like any couple.

Was it a little behind? Were you a little behind on the relationship?

A little behind on the relationship and on my mortgage.

Oh, my

Both, I guess.

Obviously both. If she sold a place, foreclosed a place and went to Honolulu. We need the government to get involved on stuff like this. On breakups like this, we need the

government to involve. Can I get a bailout, please? Your relationship, you were the relationship we all base love on in this town. You know what I mean? It's too big to fail. We can't let this relationship fail.

Sir, sir, sir. I'm so sorry. I'll give you $5 for your mattress. I'm so sorry.

All I can think of. Okay, there it is, Dad. That's why we're here. I knew it. I knew it wasn't for my birthday. You wanted a mattress.

You're looking for a used mattress, aren't

you, Mr. Davis?

No, we're here for the birthday party, but why limit ourselves?

Why limit ourselves if I get a free burnt

mattress? It's not going to be free, okay? $5. It was $5 before, and then you said free. That's not how negotiations go. You

don't go down. Okay, well, sir, you have nothing to your name, so you're not in a

great place to negotiate. I

have so much to do. You have to pay to leave. You don't have much leverage. We know your story. You let us in on your deets. The kids know. The kids know.

I found a bow and arrow. Kitty,

Mr. Kitty.

going to go hunting, everybody. He's finding a new hobby back

Kitty's

if you get this burnt bed, I mean, you and Mom have a sleep number now. We know that she prefers rare.

If you get burnt, one of you is not going to be able to sleep well. I'm tired of sleeping on a rare mattress. I want well done.

I want it warm through the middle. I want no pink.

I actually sleep on mattress tartare.

That sounds perfect. That's what I want.

Covered in olive oil, raw. It's amazing. Scallions.

Wait a minute. You guys, I'm really going through it. Okay, it seems like you guys are just having a really great day.

Shut up. You're missing all of this

awesome material. You're living the guy's dream. Your lady left you and you woke up in the dark. You're home. You're home.

This can't

be

my home. What

do you mean? Hello. We're killing.

I know you're sad, sir, but we are killing here with some of this stuff.

Sir, listen. Maybe you'll calm down if you put on this old dirty diaper. Okay? You're just feeling insecure because you're vulnerable right now. You have nothing to your name. You're filthy. You've been dropped out of your house. Your bed's gone. You just

need

to calm down. And that sounds like marriage to me. Hey, hello. Crushes. We're killing here.

You're really going to appreciate this stuff once the heartbreak wears away.

Right. Yeah, it's a little too

fresh for you. Right. You just said my bed is gone. You can't just take my mattress. We didn't finish the negotiation.

Okay, well, it's burnt to a crisp. Do you still want it?

I need something, obviously.

No, you're looking at this all wrong. It's time to start over. You're done. You're destitute. You're dumb.

You're wrong.

You're in the dump. You have nothing. You don't even have a bottom half. Master

negotiator dad. All you have is a t -shirt. I'm not

dumb.

Sir. Yes, sir.

Sir. Sir. Sir, do this math equation. Uh, okay. Five plus five times two minus one. Say it again? Hurry. Five plus

five. Five plus five times two minus two minus one. It's 19.

We already know it.

You're wrong. You're too late. He's right.

It's nine.

It's 19.

No, it's

not. It's

nine.

Five times

I don't think

you're right.

five. No,

five plus five

times two minus one.

Five times two is ten.

I'm not doing it that way. I'm

not doing it that way. We're not doing it

that

way. Give us your

magic.

We do PEM dump here, not PEM dance.

It's dump math and it helps everybody.

Are you learning dump math? I was also wrong. I was wrong. I was wrong. It's more straightforward. Five times two is ten plus five is 16

minus one is 15. It's 15. Big old shotgun. All right, Kenny.

Kenny. Kenny's going back there. Who needs fishing poles when you got all this new stuff?

I know. Ben five is unbelievable.

I think we're calling it Ben Folds four

or Ben Folds five. Ben Folds five.

Anyway, sir, I apologize. We've been a

little flippant just because we are coming across some really good

material. Yeah, I get it. I get it. But you couldn't have woken up in a better place for your situation.

Yeah. The dump.

I could rebuild from this.

The world is your dump. There's so much stuff here for your new life. For example, oh, look. Look.

Remember

those skateboarding sharks or rollerblading sharks? Street sharks. Street

sharks. It's a street sharks comic book. Look. That's perfect to rebuild your life. Because it's funny. It's entertaining. It's sharks on the street.

Look. Here's a little foldable TV tray with a seat with three legs. That's perfect for a bachelor living room.

If you add a leg to this, you could maybe set your food

it.

on

There's an actual leg.

Look. Here's a pizza box with old, dirty pizza. It's inedible. It's moldy. But you could order a pizza if you get a job. This is an idea for a new

pizza. Thank you, Mr. Miller. You know what? This is a good idea for a new pizza. And you could

be your job. You know what? This is ridiculous. I'm nothing. I've got nothing. I am nothing.

Look in that broken mirror. Look in that broken mirror and look at yourself.

Is this what I look like?

Oh, it just broke again. That's seven years' bad luck. But

get away from me. Get away from me.

Oh, your hair. My hair's gone. Oh, no. I have your hair now. Oh, my God.

Kyle did a hair trade with sad guy.

Do not tell your mom I did this. Look at where we're at.

It kind of looks like Elvis. Good impression.

Bobby, nice.

Elvis is here.

Bobby. I'm

Elvis. Wait.

Elvis.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. There was a guy who lived next to me way down the way who looked like Elvis, too.

Oh, really?

Yeah. This is perfect. This is better than your old life. You got the Elvis. You got the TV tray. You have an idea for new pizza. You could do

anything. You know what? You know what? You're right. You guys, I woke up looking at the dark side of everything because I woke up in the dump and I had nothing.

And it was thunderstorming.

But actually, this isn't.

Oh, he's sick.

He's sick and he's got bad luck. I'm not sick. Back away.

I'm not sick. Oh, my

coughed, too. Oh, my

God. I got it from you.

No.

I got it from this guy. Oh, my God. There's a scope on you.

What? Like

a red dot. Kenny. I got him. I got me a five point bug.

Kenny, what did we say about hunting the most dangerous game at the dump?

Turn that microphone up.

Turn me up, baby.

I'm

sorry. I'm most dangerous gamed. Sir, sir, are you okay?

I don't think

so. It looks like he got you right in the heart.

Yeah.

That sucks.

I heard y 'all coughing.

Wait.

Oh, no. I just got shot. He killed Kyle. Calvis, Calvis. Calvis is dead. I am not doing another three years in the house. Why is he speaking like Nixon? I will not do. I did not have sex with that woman. I did not have sex with that woman. Nobody

thought you did, Kenny.

Nobody thought you did.

People are going to, if they say I had sex with a woman, my wife's going to divorce me. I'm going to end up sleeping in the dump,

which will actually be nice.

Man, that's great stuff, but I got two dead kids in front of me. I

can't

think about this material right now. Maybe, I don't know. I messed up. I was just trying to stop the pandemic.

I knew y 'all were coughing.

That was too

quick of a reaction. I'm not dead. Oh. Listen, I don't have long for this world. I need you all to just do something for me. Something really simple. Sure. I need you to find my wife.

Cheryl Lynch. Cheryl Lynch. Uh

-huh.

God. What is it,

We could probably just email her. Cheryl

though?

Lynch at maryllynch .com.

It's just Cheryl

Lynch. What was it? What are we wanting to tell her?

Just tell her I'm sorry for everything. And then if she wants to, she could take all my money out of savings to pay off whatever it is that I owed her. I don't want her to live her whole life

being

in debt.

Or me being in debt. You could say anything, though. That seems like probably what she will do. Maybe.

No. She didn't seem in debt when she left. She was

brand new car.

in a

on the window. Tell her she could have

Sticker still

whatever she wants. Big sticker still on the window. Front windshield sticker and everything.

All I want is for

her to be happy.

Oh, she's so ear to ear when she left here. Really beaming.

What did she say? Finally dropped the weight?

That

was her exact words. Yeah. Tell her. Tell her I love her. And then I know that she loved me. Okay. Even if she ran out on me.

Okay.

She definitely loved me.

That's

She didn't just run out on you. She dumped you in the dump.

So email your ex -wife and tell her she loved you. Is that what we're landing on?

Yeah.

That's it.

Keep it short. Keep it sweet. All right. You can die.

Go ahead and die.

Go ahead and die. Hey, y 'all. I got a

big, big old dump of dirt. It's Dirt Man.

Dirt Man. Dirt Man right here. Right

here. Perfect. Bury this guy. Dumping

dirt. Woo.

And covered.

Is that Cheryl?

I'm done. I covered my dirty husband in dirt.

Now

back to Honolulu.

I guess that's one email. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I

don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.