The Off-Ramp

Great things about life is breathing in the fresh air, enjoying the beauty of the world, looking your fellow human eye to eye and saying, wow, we're really out here, aren't we? What? What the fuck? I got rear -ended.

Hey, fuck you! Hey! Hey, fuck you!

Well, I can't help but smile. Shit, man, you all right? Yeah,

yeah, I'm fine. That's my bad, man. I didn't see your turn signal, and I didn't realize that the exit was coming up so close. Yeah, it's okay. I mean, you're coming down pretty quick off the off

-ramp. Yeah, it's a new car. It's a new car, man, so you get it. I was just out here trying to push the

limits. Yeah, you don't know the limits of it yet.

It's a little bit bigger of a car than maybe you're used to. It doesn't slow down as fast. This one? No, this is a smaller one than I'm normally driving. Really? Yeah, I have a H3 Hummer. That's my usual car. Oh. But I sized down because my wife didn't like how big it was in the driveway.

Okay. So I sized down to this Miata. All right. Well...

So you thought this Miata was bigger than I normally drive?

I don't know. I was just assuming because you came in so fast on the off -ramp

and you said you're not used to it. Yeah. And I see it's got four Brembo's disc brakes. What happened, man?

And I love... Nice brakes, by

the way. Hey. Really good brakes. I noticed when you got out of your car, you were really looking at my brakes.

Yeah.

You're a nice brake. That's what's really unfortunate. Hey.

forget

Hey. Don't

to get his info, honey.

Honey, are you going to step out of the car?

Don't forget to get his info.

I am going to get his info.

Is everybody okay in

that car?

Yeah. We're fine. We're fine. It's just me and the dog. Whoop, whoop. Don't call your

wife. No. Whoop.

She likes it. Whoop.

Do you like it? Whoop, whoop, whoop. Hey, hello. Is that a mannequin?

It's my wife. Oh, you're... Woo! Woo!

Hey, hey, hey. Officer, you were really passive there. Yeah, I was. I didn't want to interrupt, but I was stopping by to make sure everything okay.

I think we're all right. It was just a little fender bender. I was coming off the off -ramp, and this guy was stopped on the right lane, and I didn't see it.

Yeah, it's... I was taking... I mean, I

think it's... No, we're good.

Honey, are you okay in there? My neck! It seems like my wife

might be in the off -ramp. Is it just your neck?

Back.

Okay, don't say two other things. Do not say two other things. Some of my sensitive areas hurt, too.

All right. Well, listen, it seems like just a fender bender. I'm going to go ahead and get out of there. I just patrol these few miles here,

so if you need anything... Well, could you... I am going to file a report. I would like to...

do want to file?

You

Yes. We don't need to get this guy involved, man. Come on,

there's not... Yes, I feel like we

do. There's not that much damage, man. I feel like that's what they say every time you're in a...

There's a pretty good bit of damage. My trunk has popped up. Obviously, you can see all the produce I have in the back is

now no good because it's going to be... It is? Huh?

produce is no good? It's not going to

The

be... Hey, where's the produce? Emotional damage. Emotional damages. Honey. We have... I mean, obviously, my wife's neck and back and sensitive areas.

Your wife was already... Possibly, her pumpkins and gourds that are in the back. Your wife was already in a neck brace before I hit you guys.

I know. That's worse. That makes it even worse. I don't know. That makes it even worse. I feel like I'm getting... I got a question. Yeah. She had an accident at the supermarket just yesterday that she swears was the supermarket's fault.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. What happened there, man?

She slipped on some milk. I slipped on milk at a Publix.

Yeah. I was trying the milk because they sold me bad milk twice. That is true. That is true. And I spilled some of it.

And whoop! So you slipped on your own

milk. Head over heels. In

love. Well, with me, yes,

sir. Good. And we have been for nine long years.

Short years. Why long? The pandemic, of course. Oh, of course.

Officer, come here. We've

everything seems pretty

been... Well,

good here. I'm just going to go ahead and get out of

here. No,

no. We want to file a report. This man is pushing me not to, which means we don't need to, man. Let's breathalyze this man. This man is driving with a mannequin in the front seat that he just

said is his wife. He's driving a Miata like it's a damn H3, and it's not, okay? So let's

breathalyze him. All right, sir. Yeah, I'm going to have to breathalyze you

just in case. You don't have

probable cause for that. All

right? Listen, thank you, miss. Thank you. I did

nothing wrong. We're

breezing over the fact that this guy was stopped in the right lane off the off -ramp. Taking a picture of what I think was, what, the cows in this field? Exactly. It's

I was taking a picture of the cows in the field.

exactly.

You can't just

stop on the highway, though. I wasn't stopped. I was waiting to take a right. I was looking to see if anybody was coming from my left so I could take a right, and I saw the cows, and I took a picture. Because obviously, you've heard about the milk debacle. I'm trying to find proof that milk is slippery.

And that

helps my case. We take a picture of the cows.

We take a picture of anything that will prove milk is slippery.

Because that's what our case name is of.

Well, the defense is being like, milk is not slippery. And that's what they're pushing.

Have you guys already been to trial about this? Well, we've had opening arguments. We've had opening arguments, and we are sweating about it. We're

sweating about it. We're opening arguments this morning?

Yes.

you think we're coming from?

Where do

Honestly, I thought you were coming from the grocery store with all these gourds.

Well, no. We made a stop right after the courthouse to get gourds and pumpkins for my wife.

It's fall.

Hello? We're making a fall dinner tonight. Wow. Because we're so stressed out, we just need something to look forward to. Yeah. Our lawyer said, today went terrible. You guys did not prove that milk was

slippery. The other lawyer did his whole opening arguments pacing back and forth on milk, and he was fully erect the whole time.

Wow.

erect the whole

He was fully

time. Not what you think. Not what you

think. Not what you think.

I mean, he didn't fall down. Head over heel. No. No.

don't know what that means. Brotherly, this man,

I

look, he's drinking a big jug of water here.

He's trying to sober up.

He's eating bread and drinking water. He's trying to sober up.

Sir, I'm just going to let you know it doesn't work that fast. Come on. You need to just blow into this. I'm not

drunk.

Blow into this. Blow in. Is that a new type of bread? Oh, sorry. No, this is my big gulp. My bones. God dang it.

You got to sit all over my hand. He just made your Coke so not, so he made it flat.

hope not. It's not my

I

fault. Okay. Blow into this. And just so you know, Coke is not slippery. It's in fact sticky. I know. Which we

proved

very well this morning, but it was besides the point.

They

said it was irrelevant.

That makes sense. And it probably would have hurt your case to find something that would

stick you to the floor. Well, the defense bounced. They lunged on that, that all liquid does eventually get sticky

once it's on the ground. Yep. And now my shoes are ruined.

Her tap shoes are ruined.

Above

the tap or just the tap itself?

Well, she didn't have the tap

on, so above the tap. She didn't have the plates. Didn't have the plates. Didn't have the plates on.

I got my plates removed down at the horse barn if I'm not going to be tapping

You guys sound like you had a huge morning. No. Well, we make money because we put her feet on TikTok getting clean like horse's feet. And

that.

there's money in that.

So much for my wife's feet. Take a look.

Oh, wow. Yeah, you do have a couple of those little abscesses that need to be cleared. I do want to speak.

Break the light, this man. Okay, fine. Give me. He's

ordering tiger coffee. He's drinking what?

He's ordering tiger coffee.

Just give me the thing. Just give

me the thing. No, sir, you can't touch it.

Okay, fine. If you touch it, it might do a false positive. So

I'll hold it.

I'll put that.

Sir. Sir. Is this a kazoo? Yes, you are playing my kazoo. I haven't held the breathalyzer up yet.

You don't know what the breathalyzer is.

jump? Don't blow into your shirt. He's holding a lot of things. God. I feel like this is confusing. You guys are running the whole show. I'm the

Are you going to

police officer here. Can you please just give me the breathalyzer so I can get the hell

out of it? Yes. All right. Thank you.

You're not going anywhere.

ahead.

Okay, go

Oh, wait. Sorry. That was my corn cob pipe. You just blew tobacco everywhere.

Oh, my God. My wife's neck. Oh,

my lungs. My lungs, which are near my neck. And just to be clear, it was the man, not the officer who blew

the tobacco. I'll say it into your body cam. Where's the body cam?

Right here. It

was the man,

not the tobacco. It was the man, not the tobacco.

Were you speeding on that? Oh, shoot. I wasn't speeding. Hang on. Speed. Sound speeds. Body cam speeds. Camera rolls. It was the man, not the officer.

Look, I feel like

this is a gross malpractice

on your part. This is gross. The pumpkins are getting hot out here. The only thing that's gross here is my wife's feet. This man's been drinking. Okay.

Look. I'm not offended because it's making us a fortune.

There's no way. It's going

straight

to the legal fees.

Can I say just real quick, what kind of car are you guys driving? Because it is so crumpled here that I can't even tell. Oh, no. It's a Nissan Accordion.

Okay.

So it's not a Honda Accord. It's a Nissan Accordion. Fuck.

That's right.

What? Did you buy the wrong car? We thought we were buying a Honda Accordion. There is

a Honda Accordion.

Oh,

damn it. Okay. Okay. Listen. We're going to slow this down, sir. This is the breathalyzer.

Okay. Here's the front. Here's the back.

Blow into it, please. Okay. 1 .9.

Oh, what does that mean? I think that's

bad. 0 .8 is the legal

limit. 1 .9

is like, no, come on. What have you been drinking?

Where have you been?

I haven't been drinking.

Well, you

just sounded more drunk than you've been the whole time. No. Okay.

You got drunker. No,

I'm not drunk. Maybe you had some alcohol on your mustache.

Maybe you are an alcohol.

Maybe I'm

an alcohol. Yeah. Maybe you're an alcohol. Okay.

How do we know this guy's not a bottle of Jack Daniels? Officer.

Officer.

You're not taking his time. You're not taking his time. Speak on that real quick. I think this cop's a bottle of Jack Daniels. Okay. Well, if I was a bottle of Jack Daniels, how would I blow into the breathalyzer and have it be zero?

I feel like a bottle could blow into a breathalyzer and it be zero. How am I on the

dais? Somebody

blew into your top and it

just

went.

a bottle of Jack?

Are you

All right. Well, obviously what's happened here is a drunk man has rear -ended us while we were sure taking a little bit too long to take it right, but he's at fault. Not us.

Yeah. That's what I'm seeing here too. Let's write the report.

Of course, there's no blame in my report. His wife's running off.

His mannequin

wife's

running

off.

Get her.

I didn't know what to do. I had to

shoot her. My wife. I just shot it

in the leg. I shot it

in the leg.

And I'm not going to say her. I shot it in the leg. It's a mannequin.

Wow.

Oh my God. How? It's fine. How did it run away? Baby. Is it alive?

Oh no. Oh.

Baby, are you okay, baby? Put your pants on. Keep your pants on.

Baby, are you

okay?

Arrest him before

he goes to hell with it. Arrest.

Arrest.

I

got a feeling even if I put his hands behind his back, I can't stop

this. Baby, not here. She's not saying anything. Arrest. Arrest. Arrest.

Arrest. I can't do arrests based on recommendations. We can't do it here,

baby. Please arrest. There's people and cows everywhere. Please arrest. Oh, look at this. The

cows are all coming over together.

I guess just

a little bit. They're surrounding him. Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Cows. Stop. Oh.

Oh. Okay,

baby. I guess just

a little

bit.

Oh, my gosh. Oh, he's not able to get it up. I think he's got

whiskey

dick. Just hang on. Just hang on.

Oh, no.

Hey, sir. You're

wasted.

Don't even try. Shut up. Just go to sleep and try in the morning. Okay. You blew 1 .09 on a

Give me this.

breathalyzer. You blew whiskey dick.

I mean, this guy is drunk.

I agree. Listen, if this were up to me, it would be signed, sealed, and delivered to the

courthouse. How is it not up to you? That's making me think that you're

a bottle of Jack Daniel. No, I can arrest him, but I can't come down with the verdict. If it was up to me, he'd be in prison today.

Agreed. Okay. Agreed.

Okay, so we all agree. Now, we're all trapped in here from the

cows with the mannequin in the mail. Go over there and be careful when you're walking on that field because it does have milk in it. Now, go get him.

Okay. All right. All right.

Swoop. Oh, honey. Honey. Film it. Film

it. Okay. This is going to our court case. Stevenson versus Publix v. Milk.

This cop just slipped on cow's milk. Hold on.

It's Stevenson versus Publix v. Milk? It's a

three -way lawsuit. Milk is in the trial, dude. Well, I think we have enough to prove our case. Milk is slippery, even on a dry, rustly surface.

Okay. Did we get that? Let me get that. Your face in there.

Milk is slippery, even on a dry, rustly surface.

Good.

Okay, good. All right, honey. I think we have this. Good.

Oh, honey. One of these cows is comparing their feet to yours.

No contest.

Of

what? Of what?

What does she mean no contest? I love your feet, honey. I mean hooves.

Honey.

Wait, honey. Are you more into feet than hooves? No, no, no. I love hooves. Round, hard hooves.

Who's been on the barn computer looking at

human feet?

Hugh. Hugh. Who? Who? Who? Who? There's human feet all over the computer. Who did it? I can't type. Look at my hooves.

You fucking

pervert.

Okay, we got Siri. What did you expect me to do? Excuse me. Why don't you have a seat there? Who?

I'm Chris M 'Huenson.

And this is To Catch a Predator. Really? You're into human feet. No. Well, yeah. Well, what are you doing with those ballet slippers? I was

going to do a dance.

Yeah? In the cow world, being into human feet is like being into an underage person. You're screwed. No.

No. Yes. Soon. Soon. What do you think they're talking about over there?

I don't know. Probably normal cow stuff.

Where's the hay? Where's the hay? Where's the hay?