Vending Machines

A little song for you partners about one of my favorite ways to get cheap quick snacks. I'm a vending machine head, better than the rest. Green to red, M &M's. Vending machine head, better than the rest. Just a little something I've been thinking of. Vending, vending out, vending, vending out. What'd y 'all think?

I can't get the damn Snickers to come out. We might need to call corporate telling this was shot.

Well, let's not jump to conclusions,

okay? What have you tried? What have you tried? I mean, you put in the money. Yeah, but the thing is, the turning mechanism ain't turning, and it looks like the motor in the back might be shot.

So we got about four or five Snickers just stuck in the back of the machine. We might have to take it all the way apart. And, you know, if this one's shot, I bet you one of these other ones is shot. And if we're doing our rounds, I think we got to

just... Well, I could go look in the back of the truck. We have a lot of spare pieces. We can bring this one back to life.

Yeah, I think that's important. We can't just quit every time one Snickers is stuck.

Like, this is the only job we have. We got to fix the machine.

You feel as good out there? You want me to come out of the truck?

No, keep on fire watch. We don't want anybody to steal anything.

All

right. Yeah,

but keep an eye out. Stay back, son! They want those little curly things that hold chips. They want that little pigtail.

Thanks, Chuck. They want the pigtail. You're keeping us safe, Chuck. We appreciate you. Hey,

my pleasure. Get back, son!

Back up. What if we... The new ones, the little thing goes up and it goes over. The sucker? The slider? Or are you talking about the slider? The slider?

Yeah. What if we put a slider in for the Snickers? Because I've got an old slider out there. We're going to do a Frankenstein on this machine? You know what happens when we Frankenstein these machines. No.

They don't come to life

in

the basement. I don't know. Do they? Well, you were not on Highway 13, were you?

You

were on vacation on Highway 13. You were high as hell that night. It doesn't matter. You had just tried edibles

and

you said you saw a machine we just fixed. Jerry, we saw you out to dinner with a machine. We saw you Frankenstein a machine and go to dinner with them. Okay?

Listen, ever since, y 'all are just jealous because I have real dolls. Y 'all are jealous because

I'm a man who's been on a documentary. You're jealous of my dolls. I got a garage full of beautiful dolls and y 'all just think I'm obsessed with inanimate objects and I'm taking them to dinner.

We don't have a problem. We just saw you at dinner with an inanimate object.

Yeah. It's just - You're the one who's putting judgment on it. We don't give a shit, all right? I respect my

dolls. Okay. And I would never go out

to dinner with a Frankenstein machine. I don't care how much it vibrates. I don't care how fast it vibrates that machine. You think it's cheating? You'd be cheating on your real girls by going out with a

Frankenstein - Dolls. Real girls. I wish I could afford real girls. That's a beautiful company out of Belgium that I cannot get my hands on.

Well, let's just get back to it.

We need to fix this vending machine so it can accept dollars and coins and dispense candies. That's our job and that's all we got to do today. Yes.

Right?

Yep. So let's do that. Take out all the Snickers. All right. I'll go grab a spindly thing from Chuck.

Yes. I'll come back with the equipment and we'll simply fix it like we know how. Love it. Okay. Okay. Chuck, I'm going to have to get one of the spindlies.

All right. Let me just see your ID.

Chuck, you don't have to check me. I drove here with you.

I know, but I just saw Mission Impossible.

Okay. Pull on my face, Chuck. Pull on my face. I would

love to.

Okay. Go ahead.

Wow. You didn't flinch at all there. That's right. I'm not wearing a mask at all. I need a spindle. I will say logic -wise, you would have flinched if it was your real face. The mask doesn't hurt when I yank on it. Let me, how about this? All right. All right. If we've driven together for 13 years. We have. What was the dinner we always talk about

that we had together?

The memorable dinner that

we always talk about. Taco Bell. They gave us an extra double -decker taco.

Oh, come on through.

All

right.

Chuck, it's good to see you again. You too. You too. Sorry about that. It's all right. There's such a difference between you when your walls are up and your walls are down.

Yeah. Well, I, you know, I just, I'm, I'm pleased you guys gave me Firewatch again because I am the one who has had the truck stolen on a Firewatch the most time. And so I've had to double down on the way. I'm too nice and trusting and I just can't be that way.

I appreciate it. Hey, Chuck, I'm going to go ahead and grab a couple of tools. Oh, whoa,

whoa.

whoa, whoa,

It's me, man. Come on. Whoa,

whoa, whoa. It's me. You know

me. ID.

Oh, my. Come on, Chuck.

Jerry.

There.

All right.

Hang on, hang on, hang on. Looks real

enough. Yeah. Is this fake? No, that's me. But it looks a little fake, doesn't it? Because I know we all drove here together. I know, I know

you.

you're

I was with y 'all all day. Why would I have a fake? Who would I even be? You want to pull my face?

Yeah.

All right. Pull it. Gotcha. Oh,

dang. That was a poo.

Come on. That's a Jerry poo. That's a Jerry poo. I can recognize the smell. Come on. Smell that. That is me, me, me, me, me, me.

Pull my face.

It smells

like oil.

Smells like oil.

What the hell is going on over here? Why y 'all taking so

long? Oh, I got the spindle. Sorry.

Chuck's doing a great job on security. He will not lose the truck.

All right.

And my guy. I'm just trying. I'm just going to grab my water bottle out of the back seat.

Whoa.

Whoa. Whoa. Oh, guys, guys. I mean, he's just it's his

water bottle. Only he would know it's

there. ID. Here. What's your sign? Sagittarius. What's your rising moon? Aries. All right.

So. Oh, OK. We should not even

be in a room. No, no, no. That is bad news. All right. But

it's still me. I can't believe. Now I see what's going on with the

stickers. The machine does not get along with you, my man. Just can I get my water, please? I'm thirsty. Let me see your face. Are you what? You want to pull on my face? You know it. OK. All right. Excuse

me.

Dang. You got us. You got us over there.

And a classic laugh over there. And a hee hee. That's a classic

hee hee laugh.

Get your water. Sorry to run you through the ring like

that. You all know, though. I got the truck stolen so many times.

Hey, you all want to burn one down real quick?

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Who was that? Look, he's over there. He's right at the vending machine underneath it. Oh, my God. Who was that? What the hell happened over here? We

got Mission Impossible.

Are you kidding me? We got Mission Impossible. What do you mean? I'm going over him on foot. I'm going on foot. I'm going to crank catch him. I can't lose another truck. Wait. You got a bum knee. Chuck, your bum knee. Chuck, your bum knee. Chuck,

bum knee. Run on your

your

bum knee. Chuck, Chuck,

your bum knee. Chuck, your bum knee. Chuck, you're not going to catch him. I got to catch him. He's

in a

truck, Chuck. It's all right. All right?

Let's just go back to the

machine. We can't lose the machine. Ma 'am, I got to commandeer your vehicle. Excuse me?

Get out, miss. Miss, get out. This is official vending machine business. No, that's not a badge.

Yeah, that's a bag of fungions, Chuck. That's our official badge. Ma 'am. Ma 'am.

Ma 'am. Okay, okay. Okay, just four bags of fungions. Oh, you're scaring me. We can do this. Oh, it's a

stick. Never mind. Keep

going, ma 'am. I knew you couldn't do it. You fucking losers. I could drive a stick, but just on a big truck. I don't want one of these little dinkies.

I don't want one of these little dinkies. Ma 'am, your car's a little dinky. Guys, it's easier.

Come on. Sorry about that, ma 'am. Is this

a Hyundai little dinky? Steal my car. Come on.

No, sorry, ma 'am. It's a little too dinky for us. Sorry for the inconvenience.

Wouldn't be caught dead in this stolen car, ma 'am. Come on. Please enjoy these honey buns as an apology.

They're open.

And they're spectacular. Spectacular.

Okay, Jackie Child.

Who's the fellas?

I'm sorry we lost it. That's on me. That sucks, man.

Second one.

What was that?

Hey, hey, hey. I

guess it's quitting time. Where'd you get that Diet Coke?

I got it out of the cooler. I didn't take it from the machine. Don't worry. I don't know if I buy

that.

What do you mean? Let me feel it. If it's warm, it's the machine. If it's cold, it's the

cooler.

Pull his face. What could he possibly steal?

It's me. It's a clone. You know, I'll admit that that guy who got in there and got in the truck and took it looked a lot like me. But it is me. I was right there. You've seen me. I haven't been out of your eyeline in the last

six hours. What are the first three songs of the playlist we always listen to when we hit the road together?

Bah with the bah, Pretty Fly for a White Guy, and Higher by Creed.

to put you through the ringer on that. Very sorry. Nailed

Sorry we had

it. Hey, we have a tone

that we like.

Can you blame us? God.

Give it to me, baby. Who cares about the truck?

Honestly, when I get my songs going, I don't have another care in the world. Who cares about the truck?

Maybe we should sing that

to our boss. Yeah. Like, I think that'll get us out of it. Right. Because we are - Give it to me, baby. Who cares about the truck? That could be good. And I know you're pretty disappointed about the truck.

This is our third truck this week. Maybe we sing that to the boss.

I'm going to call. I'm going to call. Yeah,

call. Can I? Okay. Yeah,

yeah. Oh, yeah. What's that? Do we

even need a truck? I mean, the vending machine is there. We just need like a trunk of moon pie and zebra cake and sodas if we're lucky. Yeah. If we're lucky. Zoopri - Zoopri

- Moon

pies or zebra cakes. Moon pies or zebra cakes.

And sodas if we're lucky. Yeah, well - Give it to me, baby. Who cares about the truck? Call him. I think we have - Call him. Call him. Just tell him we're doing it in the car.

All right. Siri, call Keith, boss.

Hello? Hey, Keith. What's going on, boys? Nothing. Hey, nothing, Keith. How are you? I'm doing okay. You know, about to jump into a meeting with the new distributor.

Why is he new? Is that

David? Huh? He's pretty fly. David. David. Yeah, yeah.

It's David. Yeah. He's pretty fly for a white

guy.

Yeah. Oh, I love that song.

Yeah, yeah. Me

do. Really? Well.

too. You

That's good news because we do too. Awesome. What's going on? Why are you guys calling me right now? You're supposed to be fixing the vending machine. Well, yeah. I mean, the Snickers was stuck.

Uh

-huh. Chuck

was doing a great job. We got to start by saying - The truck, the new truck is really good. Uh -huh. Okay.

Well, you know that song you just said you liked? Uh -huh. Maybe we can put this in terms you might love and understand.

Okay. I'm listening. Two, three,

Yeah.

four.

Give it to me, baby. Who cares about the truck? So, what do you think?

Oh, I guess I'm a little confused about the context.

Where's the thing? The truck's gone.

You just said the truck.

Let's

- I don't know if you heard us correctly. Yeah. It's pretty clear what has happened. Okay?

And right before the song, the truck's gone. Yeah.

Give it to me, baby. Who cares about the truck?

What do we think, Keith? All the girls say that the vending machines still work with a car.

Well, I guess when you put it in terms like that. Come

on, Keith.

I can't be mad. Come on, Keith.

Yes.

Yes. Yes.

Keith, you're saving our lives here. All

right. I got to ask this, Keith.

What - I know you just let us off the hook, but what kind of hellhole are you sending us into where some sort of secret Mission Impossible style people are creating more and more intense technology to pretend to be us to steal the truck?

Listen, I didn't know much about the job. I just knew that it was a place with golden streets.

Oh, yeah.

We're all wealthy now because of these vending machines. Four guys, four

That's a great business model. I was under the impression that it was a place where blind men see.

machines.

Okay. Okay. Okay. So, I feel like we're going towards the Creed

route.

Yes. We're talking about here, which we love. We love.

We love. We love. Who cares about the truck? Nice. There we go. Can you raise my wages? No, you're - No, absolutely not. All

right. Have a try. Keith. Keith. Have a try. Keith. Keith. Keith.!!! I am life on the line. People are putting fake masks on. I can't trust my friends, my foes. You know?

What is going on? Why do so many people want basic work trucks?

Listen, guys. I have to come clean. Finally. We knew

it was. What is it, Keith? Explain

all of this. Because we

knew, but what is it?

Succinctly explain all of this. You guys are the four worst employees I've ever

my

in

had

life. Oh, finally. Oh!

entire

powerful. All right. As if

All right. You're

I've never heard this before.

What about that lady?

Huh?

You remember that lady? No.

My wife? No.

No, no. The lady who wouldn't stop eating all the Nutter

Butters out of the machine for the first That's my wife. Yeah. Well, whoever she was. And what did

we

tell her? She

sucked.

She sucked.

What about us thinking your wife sucks?

Does that, what about that?

Job wise. Lovely lady. Does that change your mind about how we're bad employees? She did just ask me for a divorce. Wow. What did you answer?

Did you hold strong and say no? I said absolutely not. That's my guy.

Stay in it.

Stay in it.

When your partner wants out, you stay in it.

Convince them you're good enough. I'm going to be honest with you guys. I sent y 'all out there because I knew this was a losing job. And I figured if we could ring up the tally on the amount of money you've lost for the company, I could have a justified termination.

Wow. So these are all write -offs.

So

you're behind the steals? Are you John Voight from the movie Mission Impossible? Are

you a double agent? Did we get voided?

Is your daughter Angelina Jolie? Tell

us right now. Answer the question. This is

convoluted question. My daughter Charlize Theron. Are you John Voight from The Italian Job? Were you

a

such

also an anaconda?

Guys, no. You know me. I've been your boss for the last 15 years, okay? You know I'm not John

Voight. But you know what's interesting? Where's his career been the last 15 years?

Well, you know what? You can't say anything against the Democrats without your career going down the toilet. All of these fantastic actors that we've always liked.

Normal guys.

Well, I don't know what you guys did, but when we lost Voight,

I mean, what do you do with the

art?

Well,

I tried to watch Hercules, but Sorbo's out there. Sorbo, Kevin Sorbo's gone too. Yeah, because right now they would absolutely be rebooting Hercules with

Sorbo. What am I supposed to do with my Sorbo and Voight albums? Those were my

favorite

growing up. How am I not allowed to watch Jimmy Woods anymore? It's unbelievable. Sorbo and Voight featuring Woods was one of my favorite

albums. The shark was fantastic. Tell

us, Keith. Explain. Keith, what are we supposed to do without our conservative actor heroes?

Oh my God. Oh my God. SNL ever since Victoria Jackson spoke out has gone down the toilet. She was the

goat. She was the goat on that show. Goat. Oh no, no. The goat was. What's his name?

Jim Brewer. Jim Brewer.

Also,

I have one of my favorite conservative comedians. What are we

our Brewer tickets? We have Brewer tickets this weekend. He's playing

with

to do

supposed

a rest area two stops up. What are we supposed to do? I guess you can go. We can?

We're allowed to. Will you do goat boy? Okay. We're going to go. If you say it's fine, it's fine. We're going. Okay. Bye, Keith. Bye, Keith. Bye, Keith. We're hired. Keith, we're hired. Bye, Keith. Bye, Keith.

We're hired. Goodbye.

Okay. Woo, that was close. All right. Should we steal all the chips?